Tag: Cecily Strong

Drug Company Hearing

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Alex Moffat

Mrs. William... Octavia Spencer

Seasonique… Sasheer Zamata

Lunestra… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Beck briefing about the hearing]
Beck: Alright, thank you all for agreeing to this hearing. Both of you understand that the decisions made today are legally binding?

Vanessa and Alex: Yes.

Beck: Okay. Mrs. Williams, you are filing a claim against your former employer, Merck Pharmaceuticals where you worked for the past 22 years.

Mrs. William: Yes, sir. I’m suing for intellectual property theft because they’ve stolen many of my ideas. And I am asking for $20 millions in damages.

Vanessa: That’s ridiculous. MR.s Williams worked in accounting. No one there is responsible for ideas.

Mrs. William: Sir, let me give you an example. IN December, 2004, this company created a drug called Seasonique. Well, back in 1997, I had a child. Please say hello to Seasonique. [Seasonique walks in]

Seasonique: Hello.

Beck: Oh, your name is Seasonique?

Seasonique: Yes, sir. My name is Seasonique Boniva Williams.

Mrs. William: That’s right. Seasonique was born on the one special day between spring and summer. She was seasonique. And that’s not the only example. This company has named dozens of their drugs after members of my family.

Beck: Mrs. Williams, I–

Mrs. William: Please call me Lyrica. That’s my name, but it’s also an anti-epilepsy drug.

Beck: That’s certainly interesting.

Alex: Please! We have a whole team that names our products according to years of research. This is clearly a coincidence.

Mrs. William: Oh, really? Let’s look at some other examples, shall we? Celexa.

Seasonique: That’s my cousin.

Mrs. William: Femara.

Seasonique: My other cousin.

Mrs. William: Eliquis. She lives down the way.

Seasonique: Over there.

Mrs. William: Cymbalta.

Seasonique: She’s trouble, but she’s fun.

Mrs. William: Um-hmm. Allegra. Now she does my hair, now she don’t have a shop, so I go to her house where she has a little baby name little Nicorette. So, you see sir, these people aren’t coming up with new drug names. They’re just flipping through the contacts of my phone.

Beck: Well, there does appear to be evidence here.

Vanessa: Sir, this is just payback. Mrs. Williams was recently laid off from Merck and she’s looking for retribution.

Mrs. William: You think so? Well, let me bring in one of my co-workers who’s still an employee there today. Come on, in.

Beck: And you are?

Lunestra: Lunestra. Lunestra Crestor Harrison. And I worked at Merk for 11 years. Back in 2009, I fell asleep on my computer keyboard, and two weeks later this company came out with a sleep aid called Lunestra. This company has taken the names of so many people in our neighborhood including my sister Propecia.

Seasonique: Or my nephew, Dayquil.

Beck: Huh! Well, I have to say that seems more than circumstantial.

Vanessa: Perhaps. But even if it was, there’s just no proof that having the same names as the drugs has caused the women any harm.

Seasonique: Really? You think it is nice to be associated with high cholesterol and erectile dysfunction?

Alex: Oh, that’s terrible. Sorry!

Lunestra: See? He knows this is the biggest corporate injustice since my aunt, Activia, worked at this yogurt company.

Mrs. William: It’s a travesty. [putting her hand over her chest] Oh, oh, I am sorry sir. I’m having a little episode. I need my Humira.

Beck: Oh, that’s fine. Can we get you a glass of water?

Mrs. William: No, Humira is my emotional support dog. She always calms m down.

Seasonique: You even stole her dog.

Alex: Come on!

Beck: Okay, alright. I have to say the evidence is overwhelming. It is my ruling that Mrs. William’s claim has merit. I am awarding her the full amount in damages. Thank you all.

Mrs. William: [cheering] So we get the money? I can finally put Tylenol through college.

Lunestra: I can’t believe they stole that from you too.

Chucky Chocolate

Octavia Spencer

Mike… Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Steve… Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Security… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Octavia talking to her staff]

Octavia: Circle up, everybody. Now, I wanna talk about what happened on Friday. Obviously that was pretty upsetting for everyone.

Mike: Yeah, just awful.

Vanessa: I’m still little shaken up.

Octavia: Well, suffice to say, Steve will not be working here anymore. I’ve been told he won’t even be allowed on the premises.

Cecily: Thank god.

Octavia: And I want to reassure you that this is an office where you can feel safe and comfortable.

[funny music playing]

[Steve walks in with a cart]

What’s that?

Vanessa: Oh, my god! I think, Steve.’

Steve: Hey, hey, hey. Chocolate delivery. Here I am, your humble chocolate delivery man. Your most apology in the form of chocolates. You see? Fripples for all.

Bobby: Are you wearing makeup?

Steve: Just a little bit.

Vanessa: Steve, sweets are not gonna make up for what you did.

Steve: Oh, yeah? Well, here’s a question. [singing] Do you like chocolate lotto? With peppermint crump. du-du-du-du
Do you even like second chances? To a real sorry boy.

What do you say, guys?

Bobby: You shouldn’t be here, man!

Steve: Look, ha-ha-ha, I know I was a bit of a dick. It’s nothing that chocolates can’t fix.

Octavia: You came in with a gun, Steve.

Steve: [singing] Rocky road, lotto, chocolate chips, double dip

[trying to put a chocolate bar in Vanessa’s mouth] Ooh! Those are bars.

Vanessa: Get it off my face, please.

Octavia: How did you get pass security, Steve?

Steve: Steve? Steve? I don’t see Steve. I only see Chucky Chocolate.

Octavia: Chucky Chocolate?

Steve: Jackie Chocolate.

Cecily: No, you said Chucky.

Steve: Who cares? Get over it. I don’t know.

Aidy: Steve, you can’t be here. Okay? You grabbed Debby by the shirt and you screamed, “I’m seeing that chest for once and for all.”

Steve: Thick move. My bad. But in my defense,

[singing] Oh, chikidi-chocolate, the Chinese chocolate,
you have a pepper mint and your mouth start singing
ooh-yeah! Chocolate time for the lady.

Mike: Steve! Are you honestly so insane that you think free chocolates are gonna get you your job back?

[Steve nodding his head]

Octavia: Oh, my god! He just pissed his pants.

Steve: Ha-ha. You wish. [Steve’s pants are all wet]

Octavia: Steve, you need to get out of here.

Steve: Oh, and go to my desk? And start my day? Unpack my things and such?

Octavia: No. I just called security.

Steve: Oh! To escort me to my desk? So I can start my day? Unpack my things and such?

[the security walks in]

Oh, who’s this hungry boy? Chocolate, alright! [puts a chocolate in Security’s mouth]

Security: Hey! Come on! Let’s go.

Steve: Hey, can I just say one freaking thing? Nobody will let me even talk.

Octavia: Bitch, you’ve been talking the whole time.

Steve: Look, gang, I know I was a bit of a dick. But look at Mike, he’s going– dude, you’re being too hard on yourself.

Mike: No, I’m not.

Steve: If I had a gun, I’d blow your brains out, Mike. And that’s why I’m Chuckie Chocolate, the elegant chocolate man.

Bar Centrale

Candis… Aidy Bryant

Noal… Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Terry… Cecily Strong

Jode… Octavia Spencer

Waiter… Alex Moffat

[Starts with four ladies getting seats at a restaurant]

Candis: Oh, here’s an open table.

Noal: Perfect!

Vanessa: Let’s get out girl time on. I can only sneak off for two hours.

Terry: Hey, guys, I hope you don’t mind but I invited a new friend that y’all are gonna lose your damn minds over.

Candis: Oh, cool.

Terry: Yeah, yeah. She keeps it real and a hundred. Okay? You guys are gonna love her. Just keep your eyes open for her. She’s black. Oh, there she is. Girl! [calling] Girl, we over here.

[Jode walks in]

Jode: Hi. I’m Jode.

Terry: It’s that fierce B I’m telling you about.

Candis: Um, Jode?

Jode: Yeah, Jode. Sorry, I’m late. I was stuck at the CVS waiting for my prescription bra.

Terry: Ah! Prescription bra! Girl! [Terry is only the one who is over-excited] I should have known you’ve already been cracking me up. Didn’t I warn y’all? She’s crazy.

Noal: Okay. Yeah. Well, let’s just order some drinks and then try to figure out all that’s happening with you and her.

Terry: Oh, Jode, you’re ready to get your drink on?

Jode: Hell, yeah.

Candis: Oh, well, there’s out waiter. I’ll call him. Sir!

Terry: Oh, okay. Hot waiter with the beard. Guys, I cannot be responsible for what this B is about to say to this man.

[the waiter walks in]

Waiter: Ladies, welcome to Bar Centrale. I’m Nelson. How can I be of service tonight?

Terry: Oh, okay, Jode is about to slay. I know that look. You need to watch. You need to watch and learn.

Jode: Um, can I get a two liters of diet right. And can you let me know when the ladies’ room is completely empty? And then, when I go in there, would you put the ‘out of order’ sign on the door?

Terry: Word!

Waiter: Um, I’m gonna have to check my manager, but I will see what I can do for you. And the rest of you ladies, do you want some drinks?

Candis: Um, yeah. Can we just have a bottle of riesling?

Waiter: Absolutely.

Vanessa: So, Jode, what do you do?

Terry: Oh, besides giving zero f’s.

Jode: Um, I kill bugs for Orkin.

Terry: What? Girl. You are cracking me up talking about Orkin.

Candis: Um, Terry, I think that’s just where she works.

Terry: Candis, girl, jealous is not pretty on you. You know what I’m saying, Jode?

Jode: I got jealous once of my uncle’s haircut and I didn’t speak to him for a month. And then I realized I could get the same haircut, and I did. It’s this one on my head.

Terry: Now, that’s the damn truth. Right? Look at Noal all like, “The thirst is real?”

Noal: What? Jode, you seem nice. And I don’t mean to be rude, but Terry, I’m wondering if you’re putting things on this relationship that just aren’t there.

Terry: What?

Candis: Yeah, Terry. I think you got embarrassed about not knowing that February is Black History Month, and now you’re doing this.

Terry: Oh my–! Okay, are you even–! Jode, I’m sorry. We need to go dance because I am being trolled by these damn trolls.

Jode: Wait, Terry, were you using me to impress your friends?

Terry: Okay. [music playing in the background] Maybe it started that way. But the two days I’ve spent with you have really been special to me. And I really hope you’ll still consider being my friend, because you know how to have a damn good time.

Jode: You know what? I was using you too to impress my friends. And they think the crazy way you talk is funny. You sound like a teenager in a potato chips commercial.

Terry: Aw, girl. We played each other. But ended up BFFs.

Jode: Now, let’s show these bitches what true friendship is. [to waiter] Sir!

Waiter: Yes?

Jode: Can you play Mumbo Number Five by Lou Bega?

Waiter: For a couple of real friends who just taught us a lesson, of course.

[music playing]

[Terry and Jode start dancing]

Noal: I guess we weren’t being very fair. They really are good friends.

Candis: Yeah. And look, Jode backed that waiter!

[Jode and Waiter are dancing and Terry is cheering for them]

Terry: Whoo! Get it girl! Right? Jode for the win. Candis, I know you’re watching this.

Pitch Meeting

Cecily Strong

Alex Moffat

Alec Baldwin

Melissa Villaseñor

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a meeting at Cheetos office]

Cecily: Thank you all so much for coming in today. There were so many amazing commercials at the Super Bowl this year. And we are really looking to step our game.

Alex: Yeah. we can’t wait to see what you’ve come up with for Cheetos.

Alec: Well, it’s an honor just to pitch.

Melissa: Yes, thank you for having us.

Cecily: Right. Well, whenever you’re ready, we will start with the team from Murphy and Kennedy.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: [speaking on mic] We open on a little immigrant girl. She’s dusty. She’s tired. She’s come a long way.

Aidy: She looks up and sees a wall. How will she get over it?

Alec: A boy appears at the top. He throws down a rope. The rope is made from American flags.

Aidy: The girl climbs the rope. She sees her new country for the first time, and she cries.

Alec: Hard cut. Cheetos.

Cecily: Wow! I love that.

Alex: It’s important. It’s now. It’s Cheetos.

Cecily: Alright, A.K. Foster, you’re up.

[Kyle turns on music]

Kyle: Okay, so we open on a bunch of kids in the minivan.

Melissa: They’re roughhousing. They’re playing around.

Kyle: And their mom’s like, “Hey, what is going on back there?”

Melissa: And they’re like, “Just eating Cheetos, mom!”

Kyle: Cut to, Cheetos.

Cecily: [looking unimpressed] Hah! Okay.

Alex: I’m not really sure what the message of the ad is, but maybe–

Melissa: I think it’s like, “Eat Cheetos. They’re good.”

Cecily: Yeah, right. Okay. You know what? Let’s just hear another pitch from Murphy and Kennedy, maybe.

Aidy: Oh, absolutely.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: We open on a Mexican person wearing a sombrero. He takes it off. Underneath is a Muslim woman.

Aidy: The Muslim woman takes off her hijab, underneath is a Jewish person.

Alec: The Jewish person takes off his yamika, underneath is a Cheeto.

Aidy: Hard cut, we are one.

Alec: Harder cut, Cheetos.

Cecily: God, I love that. You know what? But, I’m worried that feels more like a Twix commercial.

Alex: Yeah. I actually saw Excederin do something very similar.

Cecily: Yeah, okay. You know what? Let’s take another pitch from A.K. foster.

Melissa: Right. Okay.

[Kyle turns on music]

Open on a bunch of friends hanging out.

Kyle: Suddenly, Chester the cheetah skateboards in and is like, “How about some Cheetos?”

Melissa: The kids cheer. Cut to Cheetos.

Cecily: I’m sorry. I just– I so don’t recognize the world you’re describing.

Alec: This is so embarrassing, but we also had a Chester the cheetah idea.

Cecily: No, that’s okay. Go ahead.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: We open on Chester the cheetah. He has gauze around his chest where his new breasts are.

Aidy: Chester now identifies as Danielle the cheetah.

Alec: One of her cheetah friends enter the room. She is scared she will be judged.

Aidy: But the friend cheetah looks at Danielle and she simply says, “You’re beautiful.”

Alec: Hard cut. Cheetos.

[Cecily and Alex have tears in their eyes]

Cecily: [breaking voice] Wow! I am absolutely starving for a Cheeto right now.

Melissa: Wait, you like that?

Cecily: Yes. It shines a light on transgender issues.

Kyle: But it’s a cartoon cheetah. It just kind of feels like you’re using that issue to sell Cheetos.

Cecily: No! Not true. We care about that issue because there is a guy in our office whose son is transgender. Oh wait. [asking Alex] Is he trans or adopted?

Alex: Adopted.

Cecily: That’s right. Coz we don’t know anyone trans, right? And that is the problem.

Aidy: You know, we have one more pitch if there’s time.

Alex: By all means.

[music playing]

Alec: We open on real people. No actors, no make up, no lines, no lights, no props, no costumes, no cameras, no Cheetos. Hard cut.

Aidy: Cheetos!

[Cecily and Alex are clapping]

Cecily: I am– I am– I can’t. That’s incredible.

Kyle: Okay. Okay. I think we get it now. We know just what you’re looking for.

Melissa: Absolutely. [Kyle turns on music] We open on the Twin Towers.

Cecily and Alex: No! No!

Dry Fridays

Hunter… Mikey Day

Dana… Cecily Strong

Jenna… Aidy Bryant

Kenny… Pete Davidson

Courtney… Kristen Stewart

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Hunter talking to the students]

Hunter: Alright, what’s up everyone. Snake a seat if you can. I’m Hunter, class of ‘19 and welcome to UCONN Dry Fridays. Now, I know you’re all here coz you were caught drinking in the dorms but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Dana’s got some ‘za for us.

Dana: And cheesy bread. What, what?

Hunter: Noice! So, if it’s your first time at Dry Fridays, go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us why you’re here.

Jenna: Okay, I can go. I’m Jenna and I got caught drinking a beer in my suite. And it just sucked because it was the night before my 21st birthday.

Hunter: Yeah, zero tolerance policy on campus. What’s up, man?

Kenny: Oh, hey. I’m Kenny and I was pouring vodka into a water bottle in the bathroom when my R.A. walked in.

Hunter: Ooh! Busted! Um, hi there.

Courtney: Hey. I’m Courtney. Classic college story, you know? I Drank 40 beers, got naked, grabbed a chainsaw and went behind north quad and cut down 35 pine trees. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, but of course this time I get caught, right?

Hunter: Yeah, I mean, I don’t know about that. But that’s a good segue. Coz everyone’s done or knows someone who’s done something stupid while drunk. Right Dana?

Dana: Ah! Thanks, Hunt! Alright, freshman year, I had a few too many and mooned a cop.

Kyle: Oh! My friend R.J. fell and knocked out three of his bottom teeth.

Courtney: Oh, man! Last weekend, I did a 10 minutes solo keg stand and got so faded. Wake up the next morning, I’m like, “When did I get a no-hawk?”

Kenny: What’s a no-hawk?

Courtney: It’s like opposite mohawk.

[Courtney opens her beanie, she has her middle part of her head shaved]

Hunter: Um, okay. Yeah, see, sometimes it’s just not worth it, right?

Kenny: Dude, totally. Anyone ever get wasted and text an ex?

Everyone: Yes!

Jenna: Or ever ordered food and then pass out before it’s delivered?

Dana: Yeah, that was my move freshman year, right?

Courtney: Yeah, but did you ever black out and when you wake up you have a dog-tracking chip in your neck and you’re like, “What is that?”

Kenny: No.

Hunter: Yeah, I mean everyone’s got a story. Courtney, you go ahead and pop that beanie back on if you want. I’ll be straight with you guys. My freshman year, Dana knows about this, I passed out in the hall outside my dorm room.

Kyle: Hey, I can beat that. Spring weekend, I passed out in the Taco Bell bathroom.

Courtney:  [laughing] Oh, I can’t top that, but this one I passed out on Mr. Shinto’s island and totally missed the submarine back to the mainland. Mr. Shinto was so mad at me. Yeah.

[All the students are confused looking at Courtney]

Hunter: Alright, yeah. Not really sure who Mr. Shinto is or what that story was about, but alright.

Dana: Yeah, and like if you’re cold, feel free to go ahead and pop that beanie back on. The point is guys, drinking can lead to bad choices. Like, when I was drunk and got a tramp stamp.

Hunter: It’s a mermaid, by the way.

Dana: Thanks hunt!

Courtney: I got you beat though. You know, those indigenous tribes that put, like discs on their lips like this? I got that, but I got it here. [starts opening her pants] You guys should see this.

Hunter: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, Courtney. We’ll take your word for it. Okay? And we’ve all seen the haircut by now, so feel free to pop that beanig back on.

Dana: Guys, we’re not here to lecture you or tell you not to have a good time. But the fact is heavy drinking does some real nasty stuff to your body.

Kenny: Yeah, like, if I go hard one weekend, I get like heartburn for a week and I’m just like tired of that.

Courtney: Yeah, I’m like, legit worried about my body too. Like a month ago, I got blitzed by myself and I guess I ate eggs or something. The next morning, sorry if this is kind of nasty, I go to the bathroom and egg just comes out and it’s still in it’s shell. And I’m like, “My body is so jacked, I can’t digest an egg?” That’s crazy.

Hunter: Right. I mean, I don’t know if alcohol does that. But maybe you didn’t necessarily eat the egg? If that makes sense? Maybe you–

Courtney: Oh my god, that does make so much more sense coz I hate eggs. I would never eat one.

Kenny: But you would put one–

Hunter: Okay, hey, we don’t need to say it. Um, it’s probably a good time, Dana, to get our za?

Dana: What? Oh, I’m sorry, I’m still thinking about that egg. Like, how did it nor crack?

Jenna: And I want to hear so much more about Mr. Shinto.

Kenny: Yeah, do you have a picture of that disc thing?

Hunter: Yeah, I’m sure we all want Courtney to answer some questions and maybe put that beanie back on. But, let’s wait till after the meeting.

Courtney: Yeah, I mean, after party, my place, I got keg shots, whatever. My roommate is really cool but all of his wives are so annoying. It’s crazy.

Jenna: What is your life?

[The End]

Sean Spicer Press Conference (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Flush… Bobby Moynihan

Kristen Stewart

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Betsy DeVos… Kate McKinnon

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with C-SPAN show schedule]

Male voice: Next on C-SPAN, the daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to the White House podium. Sean Spicer walks in.]

[cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Good afternoon. [yelling] Settle down! Settle down! Settle down! Before we begin, I know that myself and the press have gotten off to a rocky start. [cheers and applause] Alright! Alright! alright! alright! In a sense, when I say rocky start, I mean it in the sense of ‘Rocky’ the movie because I came out here to punch you in the face. And also, I don’t talk so good. So, I’d like to begin today by apologizing on behalf of you, to me for how you have treated me in the last two weeks. And that apology is not accepted. Coz I’m not here to be your buddy. I’m here to swallow gum, and I’m here to take names.

[Sean Spicer takes a pack of gums out and pours it all in his mouth and starts chewing]

[speaking with gums in his mouth] Okay, now let me wave something shiny in front of you monkeys. [Sean Spicer pulls the gum out of his mouth and sticks it on the podium] I’ll get back to you. As you know, President Trump announced his supreme court pick on the national TV today. When he entered the room, the crows greeted him with a standing ovation which lasted a full 15 minutes. And you can check the tape on that. Everyone was smiling. Everyone was happy. The men all had erections and every single one of women was ovulating left and right. And no one, no one was sad. Those are the facts forever and there’s something else. We got something X, three, four, capital T, capital P, eight, four. Hang on, wait a minute, that’s my email password. Forget that. Nobody write that. Stop writing that down!

Now, president’s schedule for today, at 3:45 the president will host an encore screening of ‘Finding Dory’. Okay? The story of a forgetful fish, okay? Everybody likes that. Then at 6 PM he’s going to abolish the national park system. But ‘Dory’, good stuff. So, if nobody has any questions.. [Sean Spicer prepares to leave]

[Cut to the media raising their hands for questions]

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Okay, we’ll do a couple of questions. Go, Glen Flush, New York Times. Boo, go ahead.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Yeah, I wanted to ask about the travel ban on Muslims?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban.

Glen Flush: I’m sorry?

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban. The travel ban is not a ban which makes it not a ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: But you just called it a ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Because I’m using your words. You said ban. You said ban, now I’m saying ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: The president tweeted and I quote, “If the ban were announced with a one-week notice–”

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [interrupting] Yeah, exactly. You just said that. He’s quoting you. It’s your words. He’s using your words when you used the words and he uses them back, it’s circular using of the word and that’s from you. Seriously, Glen, are you going to start with me right out of the gate? I mean, what do you want? Me to take my nuts out so you can get a better kick at them?

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Okay. You had to have known that I would ask that question.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Okay, sit down, Glen. Who here– just by show of hands, who hates Glen? Right? [no one is raising hand] Everybody? One, to, three, infinity. Now, let the record that everyone raised their hands and everyone hates Glen. So print that. That’s your story. Next question, go.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Yeah, I would like to ask about Steve Bannon’s role on the national security council.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, that’s a dumb question. that’s a stupid question. Sit down, Glen.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: My name is not Glen.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: I know your names. I’m just saying “Glen” like in a general Glen. It’s your word. It’s your word. Next, go.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, I’m also concerned about Steve Bannon. A lot of people are saying he’s the one behind the Muslim ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, alright, you guys still aren’t getting it. You need some props? My word’s too big, I got to show you in pictures? [Sean Spicer walks aside. There are two boxes.] Great. Here we go. When it comes to these decisions, the constitution [pulling out a huge paper out of one box] gives our president [pulling out Donald Trump’s picture] lots of power [pulling out an electric plug]. And Steve Bannon is the key [pulling out a huge key] advisor [pulling out a visor cap]. And our president will not [showing a rope knot] be deterred [pulling out fake poop]. In his fight against radical Muslims [pulling out a toy Moose and Lamb (moose-lamb)]. Now, does anybody else have any questions?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yeah. Wall Street Journal. Are you okay?

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Vanessa with it]

Sean Spicer: Take it! You take it! You cannot come at me like that. I will put you in the corner with CNN!

[Cut to Kyle inside bars wearing CNN ID card and diapers]

Kyle: [yelling] We’re not fake news!

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: You like that? You like that, dork? You like that, dork?

[Sean Spicer puts the podium back]

Everybody just cool out, alright? Obviously I’ve been getting a lot of questions about Betsy DeVos, okay? Our nominee for secretary of education. So we actually have her here today to field some few simple question, which I’m sure she’s capable of doing. Betsy!

[Betsy DeVos walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Betsy DeVos: Hello. Thank you, yeah. Yes. The man?

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Hi. I don’t think we ever got a clear answer on this. How do you value growth versus proficiency in measuring progress in students?

[Cut to Betsy DeVos]

Betsy DeVos: Okay, well, yes, I don’t know anything about school. But I do think there should be a school. Probably Jesus school. and I do think it should have walls and roof and gun for potential grizzly.

[Sean Spicer walks in and pushes Betsy DeVos out]

Sean Spicer: Thank you. that’s enough for now. Thank you. Um, I’ll accept one last question. I’ll take this loser.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: I’ve got a question about the statement in White House released on Holocaust Remembrance Day. Do you think it was anti-semitic to not even mention the Jewish people in this statement? [Mikey is being water sprayed] What are you dong?

[Cut to Sean Spicer spraying water on Mikey using a water gun toy]

Sean Spicer: This is soapy water and I’m washing that filthy lying mouth out! First of all, how could the statement, a statement be anti-semitic? The guy who write it was super Jewy. Okay? And the fact is a lot of different people suffered in the holocaust, it wasn’t just Jews. It was also the Gypsies, the lesbies, and these other guys. That’s your word. Your word. That’s enough for today. Spicy’s got to go, bye-bye right now. Need a big-boy nap. Wake up up exactly one minute before tomorrow’s press conference. [pointing at the camera] And Live From New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, that already happened.

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Mikey with it]

[cheers and applause]

[The End]

Welcome Video

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Customs Officer… Kate McKinnon

Visitor… Melissa Villaseñor

[Stars with video clips of US flag and iconic places from US]

[Cut to Cecily at the airport]

Cecily: Hello. Bonjour. Hola. Konichiwa. And welcome to the United States. As you’re waiting in line, this video will let you know what to expect and what is required to pass through US customs. We take our border very seriously. Be sure to pay attention and we’ll get you going as soon as po–

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Portions of this video have been recently edited.

Cecily:  Let’s go ove a few documents you’ll need. First, your completed customs form. You’ll lso need a valid passport from your country of origin.

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Not including Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, Somalia, Sudan or Yemen. And maybe Australia. We’ll see.

Cecily: Our priority is to make this process easy for each and every one of you.

Oh wait, he’s good. Come on in, bud. [zooming to a kid] Aw, no.

Cecily: In addition, you may be asked to provide a few–

Male voice: Hundred.

Cecily: — simple–

Male voice: Confusing.

Cecily: Forms. If you need assistance, there will be someone–

Male voice: No one.

Cecily: — to help you. With all your forms filled out, proceed ahead–

Male voice: Also form C-9, F-12, and D-9B.

Cecily: — you’re almost done.

[Cut to Male speaking inside US Department of Homeland Security office]

Male voice: Getting started. Effective immediately, all visitors will be subject to extreme vetting procedures including a highly detailed questionnaire. [Showing questionnaire with a question “Are you Muslim?”] We also need fingerprints, blood sample, urine sample, stool sample. And you will be required to eat a hot dog in front of us.

[phone ringing] Hello, yeah, it’s going- The video is coming along really well.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You can now approach the customs desk. When you reach the customs officer, she will–

Male voice: He will.

Cecily: — ask you a series of questions, such as-

Customs officer: What is the purpose of your visit?

Visitor: I’m here to see my mother. She is a–

Male voice: Terrorist.

Customs officer: What is your occupation?

Visitor: I am a certified nurse.

Male voice: Drug dealer.

Customs officer: Welcome to the United States.

Male voice: Go home please. Okay, I understand. Bye. America first.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Congratulations. And welcome to the United States. A land of opportunity from sea–

Male voice: Trump Tower.

Cecily: — to shining.

Male voice: To Trump Tower.

[Cut to Male speaking inside US Department of Homeland Security office]

[phone ringing]

Judge blocked the ban? No! Please, I just made the whole video!

Weekend Update Jake Rocheck from Friend Zone

Michael Che

Jake Rocheck… Mikey Day

Shannon… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: A recent survey found that a majority of men with a close female friend secretly hope their relationship will turn sexual. Here with more on that shocking statistic is Jake Rocheck who joins us live via satellite from the friend zone.

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Hi. Hi, Michael. Um, I’m currently here deep in the friend zone helping my friend Shannon move into her new apartment. So, I’ve been driving boxes across town all day and carrying awkward furniture upstairs for a pretty girl who is not attracted to me, whatsoever. In fact, just today, Shannon said to me and I quote, “I can’t even picture you having sex,” which I find confusing because I can picture her having sex very easily.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Ouff! Yeah, well, tell us what’s the hardest part about being in the friend zone.

Jake Rocheck: Um, all of it, but [cut to Jake Rocheck] nights are specially difficult. Often times Shannon will have drama with one of the selfish bad boys she’s attracted to, ask me to come over and we’ll sleep in the same bed so she’s not lonely. She easily falls asleep where as I lay awake all night actively suppressing an erection and painfully holding in gas.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Oh, man! Jake, how does a guy like you end up in the friend zone?

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Um, well, in my case, I found myself in the friend zone with Shannon because when we met I was nice and kind.

Michael Che: Oh! [laughing]

Jake Rocheck: Um, it absolutely killed my chance at a physical relationship. but I ended up with a friendship that honestly, Michael, I wouldn’t trade for anything.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: OH, so what if Shannon had change of heart and wanted to–

Jake Rocheck: [interrupting] To start having sex? I would immediately do that.

Michael Che: Well, have you considered telling Shannon how you feel about her?

Jake Rocheck: Um, to be honest, Michael, [Cut to Jake Rocheck] I haven’t given it much thought, besides the six-page email explaining why we belong together currently saved in my drafts folder. Sometimes when I’m drunk, I’ll read it, add a few lines and hover the cursor over the send button, but never clock send because unfortunately, Michael, I am a little baby bitch boy.

[Shannon walks in]

Shannon: Jakey, don’t hate me, but can you build my IKEA stuff?

Michael Che: Oh, I’d love to. Um, Michael, this is Shannon.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che, Jake Rocheck and Shannon]

Shannon: Oh! Hey, sorry I interrupted.

Michael Che: [sarcastically] Ah, you’re so rude, Shannon. I can’t believe you did that.

Shannon: [flirting and laughing] Oh my god, shut up. Jake, your friend is a jerk. Um, [looking at the camera] we should hang out. Get my number from Jake.

Michael Che: Oh, oh my god, Shannon, stop telling me what to do!

Shannon: [laughing] Shut up. You are trouble.

Michael Che: Yeah, I know.

[Jake Rocheck is nodding his head feeling awkward]

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: [yelling] Wow, that was so much fun to be here for. I’m so pumped you guys flirted and made plans in front of me. Just, um, make sure you are always there for her.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Nah, Jake. That’s your job. From the friend zone, Jake Rocheck, everybody!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

La La Land Interrogation

Damarco… Cecily Strong

Santagelli… Beck Bennett

Mr. Shah… Aziz Ansari

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Damarco and Santagelli getting inside the interrogating room. Mr. Shah is a suspect.]

Damarco: Well, well, well. Look who it is.

Santagelli: You smell that, Damarco?

Damarco: Yeah! It’s a big fat piece of dog crap.

Mr. Shah: I’m sorry. What? I’ve been in this room for two hours and no one will tell me what I did.

Damarco: Shut up, punk! You know what you did.

Santagelli: I can’t even look at you. You disgust me.

Damarco: Last night, 7 PM. Ring any bells?

Mr. Shah: [shaking head] Yeah. I was on a date with this new girl I’m seeing. Call her. She’ll tell you.

Santagelli: No need. We’ve got the security footage for your little date right here.

Damarco: It’s gonna help put you away for a very long time. Roll it, Santagelli.

[Santagelli plays the tape on the TV]

[Cut to Mr. Shah’s date with Aidy]

Aidy: So, what’s been your favorite movie this year? Mine was ‘La La Land’. Hands down.

Mr. Shah: ReallY?

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, it was good, but I thought it kind of dragged in the middle.

[Cut to the interrogation room. Santagelli turns off the TV.]

Damarco: What do you have to say for yourself you sick son of a bitch?

Mr. Shah: What do you mean?

[Damarco walks to Mr. Shah and gets aggressive]

Damarco: ‘La La Land’ is a perfect film!

Mr. Shah: Whoa! Okay! I mean, I liked it. I just thought there were too many montages in the middle.

Damarco: that’s how you show the passage of time you dumb mother–

Santagelli: [interrupting] Damarco! Damarco!

Damarco: Sorry. I just– Ryan Gosling didn’t learn piano from scratch so some little prick could come and nitpick.

Santagelli: Listen, Mr. Shah, we’re on your side. Just help us understand why you said what you said about this gorgeous musical.

Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I mean, I liked it. It was fun. The singing was good. I mean I guess I just didn’t think it was like amazing singing.

Santagelli: [yelling] That’s the f-ing point!

Damarco: They’re just regular people falling in love and singing.

Santagelli: And they weren’t singing to a track. They were really singing on the day.

Damarco: Yeah, yeah. I’d like to see you sing on the day you dumb sack of–

[Damarco throws the chair to one sided see through mirror and breaks it.]

Santagelli: Now, I’m gonna show you a picture and I want you to tell me what you see, alright?

[Santagelli puts a picture on the table]

Mr. Shah: A bloody woman?

Santagelli: Oh, sorry, that’s from our other case. [Santagelli shows a picture of an award] Now, what do you see?

Mr. Shah: That’s a Golden Globe.

Damarco: Yeah. Yeah it is. Now tell me, why would a bad movie win seven of these?

Santagelli: I mean, I’m just wondering, you know, what do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’? Huh? [Santagelli gets aggressive and holds on Mr. Shah’s collar] What do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’?

Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I guess, ‘Moonlight’.

Santagelli: Oh, ‘Moonlight’, so good.

Damarco: Yes, Moonlight’s so important. So good. Yeah.

Santagelli: Yeah, yeah.

Mr. Shah: Did you guys see it?

Santagelli: Oh, you know, no. But I want to. I just can’t get myself to go.

Damarco: Yeah, just coz I know it’s gonna be a whole thing.

Mr. Shah: What do you mean a whole thing?

Santagelli: Hey, don’t try and turn this on us, you sick pervert.

Mr. Shah: Pervert? Listen, I liked the movie. I just didn’t love it! It’s a whole movie about jazz and there’s no black people in it.

Damarco: Oh, oh, oh. Weird. Santagelli, now I didn’t realize John Legend was white.

Santagelli: Yeah, weird, Damarco. Last time I checked, John Legend was black.

Mr. Shah: Come on, guys.

Damarco: Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, and Santagelli, I didn’t realize that the couple on the bridge was also white?

Santagelli: Oh, yeah, Damarco. I could have sworn, they were black. Yeah, he was black, she was black.

Mr. Shah: Okay, wait. I don’t remember a bridge scene. That might have been when I feel asleep.

[Santagelli walks to Mr. Shah and puts him down on the table]

Santagelli: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you what?

Mr. Shah: I fell asleep for just like a sec.

Santagelli: Tell me you saw them dancing in the sky.

Mr. Shah: What?

Santagelli: I wanna hear it. Tell me you say them dancing in the sky.

Mr. Shah: I don’t think so. Was that like a huge plot point?

Santagelli: [yelling] No! It was just lovely, and that’s okay.

Damarco: Not everything has to be plot. God!

Mr. Shah: I just liked ‘Manchester by the sea’.

Damarco: Hey! News flash, you can like them both!

[Vanessa gets in with Kenan on handcuffs]

Aidy: Excuse me officers, I have another one. Mind if I put him in here?

Damarco: Yeah. Go ahead.

[Vanessa walks out]

Kenan: Hey, what’s up, man?

Mr. Shah: You didn’t like ‘La La Land’ either?

Kenan: Na, I didn’t like ‘Westworld’. It’s too slow. I thought the finale could have been the premiere.

Damarco and Santagelli: [yelling] They had to build up to that!

[The End]

Susan B. Anthony

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Felicity Jones

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Susan B. Anthony… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Alex giving a tour to a house]

Alex: And that’s the end of the official tour. Thank you guys so much for coming. Feel free to stick around and poke around as long as you want.

Aidy: Gosh, I can’t believe we just toured Susan B. Anthony’s real house. I mean, this was so cool.

Felicity: I know. She did so much for women’s rights. I wish we could thank her.

Vanessa: Well, girls. Maybe we can.

Aidy: What do you mean?

Vanessa: I heard a secret that if a group of women holds hands in her living room and says her name three times, she’ll appear.

Cecily: No way. That’s an urban legend.

Vanessa: Only one way to find out.

All: [chanting] Susan B., Susan B., Susan B. [laughing]

[Susan B. Anthony appears into the smoke]

Susan B. Anthony: Hello! I am Susan B. Anthony, America’s most famous suffragette.

Aidy: Oh my god! It worked!

Melissa : Susan, I can’t believe it’s you.

Felicity: We just wanna thank you. It’s kind of a hard time for women right now but you give us hope.

Susan B. Anthony: It is always a hard time for women my dear. The important thing is to never give up. I paved the way for you. And now you must pave the way for women 100 years from now. You are the future, my dears.

Aidy: Wow! That is so true. Thank you, Susan. Thank you for everything.

[Everyone hugs Susan B. Anthony]

Susan B. Anthony: Well, well, thank you.

[Everyone prepares to leave.]

Cecily: Should I call cab?

Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I think the last train to the city is in like 20 minutes.

Aidy: Oh, but maybe get two cabs coz there’s five of us, right?

Cecily: No, I don’t want to pay for two cabs. Let’s just squeeze.

Aidy: Okay, well I don’t think cabs let you squeeze.

Felicity: Um, no, I had one guy where I hid on the floor and he didn’t say anything.

Vanessa: Yeah, I think it just depends on the driver.

Susan B. Anthony: [interrupting] And another thing, girls. A woman can only be in chains if she allows herself to be in chains.

Cecily: Ah, yeah.

Aidy: Totally.

Vanessa: Okay, but wait. So one of us is just going to lay on the floor of the cab? Like, no.

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, we all have jobs. Let’s just pay for two cabs.

Cecily: Okay, I’ll pay for it. You guys just Venmo me.

Felicity: I don’t have Venmo.

Vanessa: Katie, get Venmo, it’s great.

Susan B. Anthony: [interrupting] Also, girls, don’t forget, idea is the most dangerous weapon a woman can have.

Cecily: What was that Susan?

Susan B. Anthony: I said, an idea is the most dangerous weapon a woman can have.

All: Yeah. For sure.

[Cecily talking on the phone]

Cecily: Hi, yes. We need two cabs please, for now. Right at the Susan B. Anthony’s house.

Susan B. Anthony: [walking very close to Cecily] What’s that?

Cecily: It’s the cab company, Susan. We’re going to the Rochester train station.

Susan B. Anthony: No, but what is that in your ear?

Cecily: It’s a phone, Susan. Okay? Yeah, two cabs. As soon as possible, please.

Susan B. Anthony: What’s a phone?

Cecily: Susan!

Susan B. Anthony: What?

Cecily: No, I’m sorry. You know, thank you so much for getting us the right to vote. We just have to do this quickly okay? [on the phone] I’m sorry. Susan B. Anthony is being like, such a pain in the ass.

[Cecily runs out]

Aidy: Okay, so wait. Are we going to have time to get food before we go?

Felicity: I don’t think so. but there’s going to be food on the train.

Aidy: Oh, no. That food is disgusting. It’s just like hard wet sandwiches.

Susan B. Anthony: Um, girls, did you see my little desk? [pointing at her desk] This is where I wrote my diary about the women’s movement.

Vanessa: Yes, Susan, we saw it. It’s so cool.

Felicity: I can’t believe you sat right there.

Girls: Wow!

Felicity: Can we just like go through McDonalds?

Vanessa: No. If we miss this train, we’ll all have to take a cab all the way back to the city.

Susan B. Anthony: And girls, this is my little stove. [showing her stove] Did you see this stove? Back then I would heat it with a very hot stone.

Melissa : Yeah, we heard that on the tour.

Aidy: Yeah, so cool, Susan.

Girls: So cool.

Aidy: Well, you know what? Couldn’t Dustin just come get us?

Vanessa: Dustin works. I’m not going to have him come all the way up to Rochester because you two want burgers.

Susan B. Anthony: Did you see my little shoes? [showing her shoes]

Vanessa: Yes, bitch. We saw your crap! Oh god! Oh my god! I’m so sorry, Susan B. Anthony.

Aidy: Yeah, sorry. That was rude.

Felicity: We’re really, really sorry.

Susan B. Anthony: That’s alright. I fought so that women like you could speak your minds. I’m proud of you.

Vanessa: Thank you, Susan. We have to go. But it was such an honor to meet you.

Girls: Bye!

Susan B. Anthony: Just remember, girls, a woman is just as good as a man.

Aidy: Oh, yes. Thank you.

Susan B. Anthony: Also, abortion is murder.

Aidy: What?