Tag: Cecily Strong

Movie Interview

Amy Lapore… Cecily Strong

Adam Perkins… Kyle Mooney

Sarah Wilner… Felicity Jones

Sam Stevens… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Fandango All Access video bumper]

[Cut to Amy Lapore in her set]
Amy Lapore: Hi, I’m Amy Lapore and you’re watching Fandango All Access. Fandango was just a website. Now look at us. I’m here with writer/director Adam Perkins.

Adam Perkins: Thank you for having me.

Amy Lapore: Adam, this week you joined a growing chorus of actors and directors speaking to Hollywood’s invaluable role in politics. You tweeted, “Now, more than ever we artists must rise up, dig deep, and create.” Can you say a little more about that?

Adam Perkins: Thanks, Amy. Yeah. People really responded to that. You know, in this political climate, artists have a responsibility to make good work, no matter the cost.

Amy Lapore: Also joining me are Sarah Wilner and Sam Stevens.

Sarah Wilner: Hi.

Sam Stevens: Good to be here.

Amy Lapore: They’re the stars of Adam’s new movie, ‘Hot Robot 3: Journey to Boob Mountain.’ Now, we know from the first Hot Robot movie that, Sarah, you play hot robot, bisexual robot exchange student from Sweden.

Sarah Wilner: That’s right, Amy. There’s so much about her story that resonates today because Hot Robot is an immigrant and also Hot Robot is a robot.

Amy Lapore: And Sam, you fall in love with Hot Robot as Danny Burke, A.K.A. Skidmark.

Sam Stevens: Yes. Um, it was great to dive back into Skidmark.

Amy Lapore: Now, it’s been said the Hot Robot movies dare to ask the question, “What if American Pie had robots?” In ‘Journey to Boob Mountain’, what’s changed?

Sarah Wilner: Amy, I think the actual world around us has changed in a very scary way. The third Hot Robot film has a duty to reflect that. That’s why Hot Robot’s boos have gotten bigger and pointier.

Sam Stevens: Absolutely. In Robot 1, Skidmark first catches Hot Robot’s eye–

Amy Lapore: By making a bong out of hamburger buns.

Sam Stevens: In the cafeteria of college. Right. Yes. Um, but in the third film, Skidmark and his buddy Tweezer go to the factory Double D4 20, to get all the Hot Robots to harness their boob energy.

Adam Perkins: Yeah. Obviously, there’s a lot of anger about the election in that choice, but also a lot of hope. You know, if we could all harness out boob energy, who knows what we could accomplish?

Sarah Wilner: Yes. Now more than ever, artists must speak truth to power. I mean, that’s what the whole horny grandma scene is about.

Amy Lapore: Um, you’re talking about the scene where the nerd robot loses his virginity to a bus full of grandmas?

Sam Stevens: Absolutely–

Adam Perkins: I think that–

Sam Stevens: Oops, please, go ahead.

Adam Perkins: No, no.

Sam Stevens: No, please.

Adam Perkins: Well, thank you. I think that scene is about all of us. I think the horny grandmas are storytellers.

Amy Lapore: I noticed that all the grandmas were played by twenty year olds. Was that deliberate?

Adam Perkins: Ah! Good eye, Amy. Yeah, it was an illusion to utopia where no women are discarded because all women are hot.

Sarah Wilner: Oh! Sorry, that just gave me chills.

Amy Lapore: Alright, guys. Let’s get serious for a moment. The day after the election, you guys had a shoot day. What was that like?

Sam Stevens: Whew! Hmm, that was a hard one.

Sarah Wilner: Ah! Adam, who was so strong the whole day said, “Guys, just put everything you’re feeling about the election into this scene.”

Amy Lapore: I think we have a clip of that.

[Cut to the clip from the movie]

Sam Stevens: Ooh! We made it to Boob Mountain. But will I ever see you again?

Sarah Wilner: [robot voice] Me not know.

Sam Stevens: What about one last boink?

Sarah Wilner: [robot voice] Boink initiated.

[Sarah Wilner raises her both feet straight above her.

[Sam Stevens is shocked]

[Cut back to the show set]

Sarah Wilner: That was November 9th.

Amy Lapore: Wow. Alright, guys, I have one more question. And this is for anyone. If you could say anything to president-elect Trump, what would it be?

Sarah Wilner: I think I would quote my character, Hot Robot. “Me may be robot, but me love Skidmark until me go sleep sleep, bye-bye.”

Sam Stevens: [sobbing] I’m sorry. I just imagined Obama saying that.

Amy Lapore: Thanks for talking with me today, guys. ‘Hot Robot 3: Journey to Boob Mountain’ comes out January 15th, exclusively on Samsung Gear VR.

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Sherry Dillon… Cecily Strong

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Vladimi Putin… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a rebroadcast of Donald Trump’s first press conference as President-Elect.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his press conference]

Donald Trump: Hello. Thank you for coming. I’d like to start by answering the question that’s on everyone’s mind. Yes, this is real life. This is really happening. On January 28th, I Donald J. Trump will become the 45th president of the United States, and then two months later Mike Pence will become the 46th. I am so excited to live in the White House. I’m even gonna have a little pet like all the presidents do. Bill Clinton had Sox, Barack Obama had Bow and I’ll have Paul Ryan. I mean I’m not gay but I cannot wait to give it to that man for four years. Hey guys, who is excited for my inauguration day?

[cheers and applause]

Yes, thank you to those people over there who I definitely did not pay to do that. And we have got some of the biggest performers of the world lined up. Hold on to your tits and bits because we have got Three Doors Down. Also from America’s Got Talent, we’ve got Jackie what’s her face. Beast of all, we’ve got the One Rockette with the least money in her savings. We’ve also got some huge A list actors coming like, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. They’ll all be at my inauguration, courtesy of Madame Tussauds.

Now, as you all know, this is my first press conference in six months. There’s so much to talk about. I’m bringing jobs back. I’m picking the best cabinet. So, go ahead, ask me anything. Yes, you.

[Cut to Pere]

Pete: Hey, ABC news. I’d like to ask you about your big Russian pee-pee party.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. I am not talking about the pee-pee because because it didn’t happen and it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Next question.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yes. Justice Scalia’s death has left a vacancy on the supreme court. Many are wondering about your timeline for replacement. So I guess my question is, did you guys like all pee or just watch them pee?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys. No, no, I do not want to talk about the pee-pee. I want to talk about what is really important which is jobs, because I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs back to this country. The biggest, strongest, steadiest stream you’ve ever seen. This country will be literally showered with jobs. Because I am a major wiz at jobs. It will be a golden opportunity for me as a president to make a big splash. Now, who’s with me? I know you’re in. How about you? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? [sounds like ‘urine’] Okay. Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes, Mr. Trump, you and the republicans want to repeal Obamacare, but why would you do that before coming up with a replacement plan?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Because Obamacare is a disaster and I actually do have a replacement plan, okay? I just read about it this week. It’s a terrific plan, just great. It’s called the Affordable Care Act.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: That’s the same thing as Obamacare. And if you repeal it, 20 million people will lose their health insurance. I mean, people could die.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, sweetheart, I’m about to be president. We’re all going to die. Next question.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Yes. Mr. Trump, many people are concerned about all your business conflicts. Have you taken the proper steps to divest from your companies?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes, I have. I’ve turned over all my businesses to my two sons, Beavis and Butthead. They’re here today. Come and get a shot of them.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric]

Look at those two little American psychos. You can tell they’re good businessmen because of how licked back their hair is. Explain how it will work, boys.

Donald Trump Jr.: I’ll be in charge of the day to day operations as well as overseeing all new deals moving forward.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks boys. I know some of you think I”m not really divesting from my companies and it’s all a big scam. Here with actual proof of my tax lawyer.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tax lawyer. She is standing behind a table that has a lot of paper works on it.]

Sherry Dillon: Hello, yes, my name is Sherry Dillon. I’m his lawyer. And this right here are the papers to prove Mr. Trump is really divesting. I mean, look at all these papers. If he wasn’t divesting, how could there be so many dang papers? This paper’s here. This paper’s here. It’s like, “Help, help, lifeguard, I’m practically drowning in papers.” Still don’t believe me? I’ll read every paper out loud right now. Starting with this one, oh that’s right, they’re fake.

[Sherry Dillon walks away]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I’m loving this press conference. Love the press. I respect the press. Let’s take another question from press.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi. Yeah, I’m from Buzzfeed, and–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [interrupting] No, no, no, no. Not you, Buzzfeed. You’re a failing pile of garbage and you wanna know why? Because I took your quiz yesterday. I’ll tel you right now, I”m not a Joey, I am a Rachel. Who else has a question? I love the press.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: Um, Yes. Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, not CNN either. You’re overrated. Fake news. I tried to watch your network last night and it was just some crazy blonde woman sprouting lies.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: That was Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, right. God, I love Kellyanne. Everyday it looks like she does the ice bucket challenge with her make up. Next question.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Hi. Yes, Dr. Ben Carson’s confirmation hearing this week has characterized as shanky. Are you sure he’s qualified for this cabinet position?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let me tell you something. Ben Carson is great. He’s going to be the best brain surgeon to ever run the housing department.If he has any trouble, I just appointed someone yesterday to help him out. This man is an African American icon who has done so much for our country.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, is it congressman John Lewis? that man is a hero.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. I got someone even better. Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that’s right. It’s me Steve Harvey. Yeah, I do government now. Does this bode well for our country? Survey says! [wrong answer buzzer]

[Steve Harvey walks out]

Donald Trump: thank you, Steve. Let’s take another question.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Hello, Mr. Trump. The intelligence community has said definitively that Russia hacked the election. Why won’t you say one the records that you agree with them?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I will. I’m happy to say that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Then do it. Say Russia hacked the election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you. A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, fine! Russia hacked the election. are you happy, mom? Next question. Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, hello. I am American Journalist Wolf Blitzer. Are you sure Russia was behind hacking?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, maybe.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: But are you really, really sure? [showing Donald Trump pee-pee party video tape]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It was China. I mean Canada.  It was Meryl Streep. Okay. This press converence is over. Thank you all for peeing here– I mean, for pissing here– I mean being here. And Life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Corporate Retreat

Gary… Mikey day

Sandy… Sasheer Zamata

Jim… Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Cecily Strong

Felicity Jones

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Gary and Sandy on the stage announcing their show]

Gary: Alright, welcome to Night 2 of the Hartford Pharmaceuticals Corporate Retreat here at Aston Waikiki Beach Hotel.

Sandy: And a big shout out again to Jim R. from Sedona who wowed us all with his beautiful Hula dancing skills last night.

Gary: Yeah. You sure filled out that hula skirt, Jim.

Jim: Guess what? I didn’t wear underwear.

Gary: Yeah, Jim, we know.

Sandy: Yeah, we saw that.

Jim: Ha-ha-ha. Nice, it was seen.

Gary: Okay. So, Sandy and I were arguing earlier and she thinks people who work in pharmaceuticals are stuffy.

Sandy: That’s right. But, here’s your chance to prove me wrong. Tonight, you’re the entertainment.

Gary: That’s right. It’s Jokey Okey. It’s like Karaoke without music or singing.

Sandy: It’s just you guys telling your favorite jokes. So who wants to go first?

Gary: Oh! Looks like I got someone right up at table three.

[Melissa is raising her hand]

Melissa: She has a joke.

Cecily: Huh? No, I don’t.

Felicity: Yes, you do. the joke from your joke book.

[All Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are speaking weirdly and expressionlessly.]

Cecily: Oh, from my joke book? Oh, I guess I can do it.

Gary: Alright. Let’s hear it.

Cecily: Okay. So, there were two prostitutes sitting in a bar and one says, “Wanna know why I’m so popular?” And she takes a banana and she puts it all the way into her mouth and down. And the bartender says, “Oh, wow! So what makes you popular?” And the second one doesn’t say anything. She just slides down the base of the stool because it goes inside her because she’s so loose.

[Gary and Sandy are shocked]

Sandy: Okay. Well, the seagull was a fan of that.  Who’s next?

Felicity: I have one. Look at me.

Gary: Um, well we jsut had one from your table, so we’re gonna spread it around a little bit.

Felicity: Um, nobody’s hands are up and I’m ready to go. So I’m gonna do it.

Gary: Okay, just one more.

Felicity: Here it goes. What’s the difference between oral and anal relations? One makes your whole night and one makes your whole week (hole weak). Not week like seven days, weak like damaged. Or loose.

[Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are giggling]

[Gary takes the mic back]

Gary:  Okay! I think we covered being loose. What else do the people have? [Melissa pulls the mic] Okay. You’ve already done it.

Melissa: Not me. So a man has a sore rear hole. So the doctor tells the guy to take off all his pants and he reaches in there.

Cecily: With that? His hand?

Melissa: Yeah. He reaches up and pulls out a bouquet of flowers.

Felicity: They were roses.

Gary: Wow, okay. Excellent.

Melissa: So the doctor says, “Sir, did you know you have flowers inside you? What gives?” And the patient says, “Well, read the card.”

Cecily: I guess he must have been pretty loose back there.

[Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are giggling]

Gary: Wow. All your jokes deal with being loose. I guess comedy is not for everybody, right folks?

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hey! Who the hell are you to talk to these women like that? Okay? Maybe no one’s laughing because they’re thinking. These are thinkers. That’s what they call it in the biz.  I know because I dated Richard Lewis before I met the love of my life. Maybe you didn’t like all these those jokes about being loose… coz you’re so uptight.

[Everybody clapping for Kate]

Jim: My beautiful wife. My wife is right, you jackass!

Gary: [confused] Am I missing something? How did I become the bad guy here?

Sandy: She’s right, Gary. You’ve been a jerk all day.

Gary: What?

Sandy: Ladies, you got another one in here?

Cecily: That’s what she said. Oh, wait. No, no. She said, “No, but I would like another one in me.”

Felicity: That’s how loose she is.

Melissa: [giggling] And that’s what he said.

[Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are giggling]

[The End]

Beard Hunk

Nick… Beck Bennett

Raquel… Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Ashley… Felicity Jones

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Beard Hunk intro]

Male voice: One hunk with a sculpted beard. 25 beautiful adjacent ladies. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on ‘Beard Hunk.’

[Cut to Nick’s intro video]

Nick: Hi, I’m Nick, and this season there’s gonna be a lot of drama. a lot of excitement and as always, minimal Asians. I can’t wait.

[Cut to Nick and Raquel sitting on a park bench]

Raquel: Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Raquel: Well, my name is Raquel. I’m 24 but my face is 36. And I’m the worst girl in any room I’m in.

Nick: I like that.

Raquel: Also, i’m a business owner.

Nick: What kind of business?

Raquel: Okay, I’m not.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Raquel walks out and Vanessa sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Vanessa: Well, my name is whatever. Also, all of the girls here, I have the most abrupt ombre. And I’m looking for a husband even though I’m not old enough to vote.

Nick: How old are you?

Vanessa: 26.

Nick: That is old enough to vote.

Vanessa: Oh well.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Vanessa walks out and Ashley sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Ashley: My name is Ally and I was born in Ashley. Sorry, my name is Ashley and I was born in an alley.

Nick: I like that.

Ashley: Also I have a twin sister and this is really hard to tell you, but she’s sick… of the way I treat her.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out and Kate sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this. I’ve been waiting to talk to you all night. Cuz it’s 5:30 in the morning.

Nick: So, when was your last relationship?

Kate: Um, well, I was married last year.

Nick: Oh, really?

Kate: Yes. To you.

Nick: Oh, right. Hi.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Aidy: Well, I am a veterinarian. So, I love animals. But I’m also a very sexual person, so I’d love to jack you off whenever you want.

Nick: I’d like that.

Aidy: And here’s another little secret about me. I don’t have a gag reflex.

Nick: That’s hot.

Aidy: Yeah. But I do have four very sharp teeth.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick]

I’m so lucky to be here. In fact, I’m lucky to be alive at all. I was born eight months early. I was in an incubator for five years. The doctors spent millions of dollars to keep me alive and I survived.

Nick: Wow. What do you do now?

Ashley: I promote ice tea on Instagram.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry, Can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick]

Nick, I want to tell you something. I have a daughter. She’s 3 and she’s my best friend in the world.

Nick: Where is she right now?

Aidy: Um, I think like the neighbor’s or something. But she’s always with me because I have this drawing of us. [showing a kid’s drawing]

Nick: Aw, she’s a good artist.

Aidy: Oh, no, I did this.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Kate sits beside Nick.]

Hi, I missed you.

Nick: Thanks. So, tell me about yourself.

Kate: Well, I’m a judge… mental bitch. And for my job, I work at Hooter’s.

Nick: Wow. That’s hot.

Kate: Yeah, it’s so hot coz I work in the kitchen.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, it feels so safe right now.

Nick: So, tell me more about yourself.

Aidy: Well, my favorite animal is a frog. Because I love the water and my eye color is green. And I do pee and poop out of the same hole.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick.

Nick, I’ve been lying to you and I need to come clean. I have five STDs.

Nick: That’s okay. I don’t mind.

Ashley: Also, I didn’t bring a bikini. I only brought a one piece.

Nick: I’ll walk you out.

[Cut to the show outro]

Male voice: We’ll be right back with more ‘Beard Hunk.’]

New York Now

Jen Jen Binks… Vanessa Bayer

Sara Hors… Sasheer Zamata

Nate Rivers… Kyle Mooney

Penny… Kate McKinnon

Ronnie… Casey Affleck

Mary Kay… Cecily Strong

Isaac… Chance the Rapper

Robin… Mikey Day

[Starts with Jen Jen Binks and Sara Hors in their set]

Jen Jen Binks: Welcome to another installment of New York now.

Sara Hors: The show where we fill you on what’s happening around the city. I’m Sara Hors.

Jen Jen Binks: And I’m Jen Jen Binks. It’s no secret when it comes to Christmas, New Yorkers know how to celebrate.

Sara Hors: That’s right. And our own Nate Rivers has a special report on a very unique nativity pageant that’s bringing the laughs to long islanders.

Jen Jen Binks: Take it away Nate.

[Cut to Nate Rivers]

Nate Rivers: Thanks, ladies. Today I’m on the set of Silent Night, HIlarious Night, a Christmas nativity pageant with a broad comedic take on the birth of Christ. Let’s take a quick look at some extremely funny highlights.

[Cut to show video]

Penny: Joseph, where have you been?

Ronnie: Well, I was just looking at the bill from the inn keeper.

Mary Kay: They gotta get out of here. [hold’s a lamb poster] I’m gonna ride home in my lamb-orghini.

Ronnie: What did the wisemen bring?

Penny: Well, they brought frankincense myrrh and peanut brittle.

[Cut to Penny, Ronnie, Mary Kay and Nate Rivers]

Nate Rivers: I”m here now with the show’s creators, Penny, Ronnie and Mary Kay.

Ronnie: Hello.

Mary Kay: Hi.

Penny: Welcome.

Nate Rivers: Your show has been getting quite a bit of buzz.

Ronnie: Oh, we know.

Mary Kay: We’re blessed.

Penny: We’re sold out almost every night.

Nate Rivers: Tell me about your pageant and what makes it so special.

Ronnie: Well, we took the story of Christ and we just blew it out.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. We kept the basic plot and then we just added tons of jokes.

Mary Kay: Tond!

Ronnie: So many jokes.

Nate Rivers: Sounds hilarious. And you act in the show as well?

Penny: Yeah, we kind of had to. You know, we had kids in it but we had to let them go. Coz the kids just have no comedic instinct. They’re not funny like us.

Mary Kay: They’re not half as funny. That’s the whole show.

Ronnie: Well, you got to get the laugh.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. So, in this show, I play Mary.

Ronnie: And I play Joseph. And I’m always saying [loudly] “My wife”, which is like from the “Borat” movie of course.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. WE borrow jokes that we like.

Mary Kay: Yeah, and my character is just like their nosy neighbor, you know? Always looking out of my window going, “What are they up to?”

Penny: Yeah, which is already funny because [gibberish] — the whole idea of a neighbor at Christ’s birth.

Nate Rivers: Wow! And you thought you were funnier than the kids?

Mary Kay: That’s right. We had to get rid of the kids.

Penny: Yeah. They weren’t funny.

Ronnie: Well, yeah. There’s this one part where she’s just giving birth to Jesus, and I look over and say, “Mary, high-five, we did it.”

Penny: And I’m like, “We? I would love to know how ‘we’ accomplished any of this.”

Ronnie: And then I say, “Don’t make me horny baby,” which is from the Austin Power’s film.

Mary Kay: [laughing] And then I come in, I look at the donkey and I say, “Talk about a jackass, right?” And you know, those are the kind of jokes that the kids enjoy but just can’t execute.

Penny: Oh, this is good, come here. My husband Isaac plays the three wise men. Look at him. Do little of your song.

[Isaac walks in. He has two other puppets wearing human clothes attached on both his sides.]

Isaac: It’s us, the three wisemen. We brought you this gift. Enjoy this. Take away, fellas.

[music playing]

[singing] Da-da-da-da-da-da, three wise men
Da-da-da-da-da-da, three wise men

[Isaac walks out]

Mary Kay: Is that great or is that great?

Ronnie: Now you see, not oly can a child no perform the adult humor, but they couldn’t physically carry the puppets. So…

[Robin walks in]

Robin: Ma? Ma?

Penny: What? What Robin?

Robin: Do you have time to talk to me later?

Penny: No. I’m doing my pageant thing right now. All day.

Robin: I want to talk to you about sex and drugs.

Penny: No. Not right now.

Robin: [yelling] You’re letting me down, ma!

[Robin leaves]

Mary Kay: See? Kids! This is why they can’t be a part of what we’re doing here.

Penny: No, no. They can’t see bigger than them.

Nate Rivers: Wow! Thanks so much. I can’t believe I got through this interview with a straight face. [laughing] If you’re in the Long Island area, be sure to check out the funniest birth of Jesus you’re likely to ever see. For New York now, I’m Nate Rivers.

Ronnie: Ha-ha. [shouting] My wife!

Donald Trump Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, it’s almost Christmas. Do we have to talk business now?

Kellyanne Conway: I am afraid so, Mr. Trump. I know you’ve been so busy out on your thank you tour.

Donald Trump: I had to do it. I just felt an obligation to thank all my supporters by standing in front of them while they cheer for me. Let’s get this over with. Are there any more cabinet picks left?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, we’re almost full, sir. Rick Perry has agreed to be secretary of energy.

Donald Trump: Is that a great choice? I saw him on Dancing With the Stars. This guy has so much energy. He’s just unpresidented. So now, all I have to do is pick who will be president.

Kellyanne Conway: That’s you, sir.

Donald Trump: Can I just do it three days a week like Howard Stern does?

Kellyanne Conway: I don’t think so.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what will you be doing in my administration?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, oh, what I’ve always done. Master Illusionist. Also, I’ve put together a list of people who have agreed to perform you inauguration at seven. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a small piece of paper as the list]

Donald Trump: So many great names here. Really. I love them both.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald, enough with the working. Let’s do the Christmas.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Kellyanne, let’s take a break but stay close by, would you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, don’t worry. I’m handcuffed to you for all of histories.

[Kellyanne Conway walks out]

[banging sound]

Donald Trump: What’s that sound?

Melania Trump: I think it’s coming from the chimney.

Donald Trump: Is it a ghost? Am I being scrooged? I hate that.

Melania Trump: Oh, Donald! I think it’s a–

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the chimney top nude with Santa’s gift sack]

Vladimir Putin: That’s right.

Donald Trump: Vladimir, this is such a great surprise.

Melania Trump: What are you doing here?

Vladimir Putin: I was just in town. You know, hiding in the walls.

Donald Trump: Okay, come in, come in. It’s so great to finally get a chance to talk in person. I composed an email to you but I haven’t even sent it yet.

Vladimir Putin: I know. Mr. Trump, I’m here because your CIA is saying that we Russians tried to make you win election.

Donald Trump: I know, all lies made up by some very bitter people who need to move on.

Vladimir Putin: So, you trust me more than American CIA?

Donald Trump: All I know is I won.

Vladimir Putin: Wow, this guy is blowing my mind. Donald, I want to state officially that we in Russia are so happy that you are US president.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank you.

Vladimir Putin: We think you’re the best candidate.

Donald Trump: Sure.

Vladimir Putin: The smartest candidate.

Donald Trump: No doubt.

Vladimir Putin: The Manchurian candidate.

Donald Trump: I don’t know what that means but it sounds tremendous.

Vladimir Putin: And since it is Christmas after all, you know, I got you a gift. [Vladimir Putin pulls out a doll from the sack] This is Elf on the Shelf. He’s fun. You just put it right here next to your internet router. [Vladimir Putin puts the doll over the chimney next to the internet router]

[sound of machine turning]

Yeah, you keep it there all year. It’s fun. Yes?

Donald Trump: Yeah. it’s beautiful, Vladimir. I’m sorry but I didn’t know you were coming, so I do not have a gift for you.

Vladimir Putin: Please, Mr. Trump, you are the gift.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Um, Donald, can we talk?

Donald Trump: Of course, excuse us, Vladimir.

[Donald Trump goes to a corner with Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Donald, I do not trust this man. Okay? Think of it this way. He’s a person you did not know who came from a foreign country and just started flattering you, what would you do?

Donald Trump: Marry them.

Melania Trump: Donald, no. You must tell this man to leave.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Alright. [walks to Vladimir Putin] Vladimir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to go. Frankly, it might not look– it might look bad for us to be seen together.

Vladimir Putin: Brilliant observation. You are always so smart Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: You can stay as long as you want.

[Kellyanne Conway walks in]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, sir?

Donald Trump: Oh my god, it’s the ghost of Christmas past. Scrooged!

Kellyanne Conway: No, I’m not a ghost. This is just my face and hair. It’s Kellyanne. Um, your secretary of stage pick Rex Tillerson is here.

[Rex Tillerson walks in]

Rex Tillerson: Merry Chriatmas! Merry Christmas Mr. President elect. I just wanted to come by and– [sees Vladimir Putin] Pudie? Oh my god!

Vladimir Putin: Rexi baby.

[Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson starts celebrating in Russian language]

Rex Tillerson: Oh my star, Donald! You didn’t tell me Pudie was going to be here. Man, have I been hoping to catch up with you.

Vladimir Putin: As have I, old friend. So much to talk about. Hah? [Vladimir Putin pulls out a map] Right here, we’re having some oil drilling problems here.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, that’s no problem. As soon as the sanctions are lifted, we’ll up our intake by 30%.

Donald Trump: What are you guys talking about?

Vladimir Putin: Don’t worry about it.

Rex Tillerson: What about doubling production here in the Pechora sea?

Vladimir Putin: Already under way. Just have to take control of the Lomonosov Ridge. Our military is on it.

Donald Trump: And then we destroy vanity fair, right? They are terrible publication, just terrible.

Rex Tillerson: Sure buddy, sure. [to Vladimir Putin] You set up shop up on Lomonosov?

Vladimir Putin: Oh yes, for years. Great black crude there.

Donald Trump: Speaking of black and crude, I know Kanye. He came here. He’s using my colorist now. He just says whatever he feels. He’s like me, but a black.

Rex Tillerson: That’s cool, buddy. Excuse us for a sec.

Donald Trump: You’re not going to say “Live from New York” without me, right?

Rex Tillerson: No. We’d never do that.

Vladimir Putin: But maybe.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Christmas Miracle

Dr. Bethel… Aidy Bryant

Cardinal Hanson… Bobby Moynihan

Sharon… Cecily Strong

Doug… Casey Affleck

Colleen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson interviewing three people]

Dr. Bethel: I’m Dr. Bethel, professor of geology at Yale. And this is Cardinal Hansom from the council of miraculous phenomena.

Cardinal Hanson: As you can imagine, you are of great interest to both the secular and religious communities.

Dr. Bethel: Yeah. We believe you’ve had a genuine encounter with the real Santa Claus.

[Cut to the interviewees]

Sharon: This is nuts, man! I mean, we’re just regular people who heard footsteps on Christmas eve and now we’re a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Indeed. Tell us what happened after you awoke.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Well, me and my girl woke up and came downstairs and Santa was standing there in our living room. Real as rain.

[Cut to Sharon]

Sharon: And he said, “Come with me to the North Pole”, and just like that we were on his sleigh with the reindeer and everything.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Huh, miraculous.

Dr. Bethel: And you, Ms. Rafferty?

[Cut to Colleen. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Colleen: Yeah, a little different for me. I’m crashing in their guest room, right? I came downstairs a little later. They were gone. And I was met by a nine foot tall goad man named Crinkle Mouse who according to some German fairytale is Santa’s helper. And he points a hoof at me and he goes [making animal sound]. And I kind of got the hint that I should come with.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: And were you taken to Santa’s sleigh?

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Oh, no, no, no, no. Crinkle mouse turns out travels by dog sled. Which sounds fun but then he straps a harness on me, throws me in with the freaking dog team. And these dogs don’t fly, they run. Let me tell you, if you think you can’t run as fast as a dog, you’re right. A minute in, I fall, get dragged for a mile over a forest floor and my sweats get yanked off. So, now there’s nothing between the ground and my cooter and tooter. Look, wasn’t the worst time I have had on all fours.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: Fascinating. Now, what happened when you arrived at the North Pole?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Doug: Well, it sounds crazy but we were taken to Santa’s workshop, man. It was beautiful. And it smelled just like gingerbread. My beard still smells like it, ma’am.

Sharon: Yeah, yeah. Oh, and Mrs. Claus came out with mugs of hot cocoa. Warmed my tummy and my heart.

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Colleen: [shocked] What? [Cut to Colleen] These two were in a Disney movie. Meanwhile, Crinkle Mouse takes me to the reindeer stables. He hands me a shovel. He goes, “You work!” Also I had the pleasure of meeting the Mrs, that’s Mrs. Crinkle Mouse who looks more like a ram than a goat. She’s either jealous or a les, coz she starts ramming my knocker like– [Cut to Colleen and Sharon] Pardon me, Sharon. She’s going [starts rubbing her face on Sharon’s breasts]

Sharon: That’s enough. They get it, I think. They get it.

Colleen: Like that.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: And what happened next in the workshop?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Sharon: Well, you’re not going to believe me, but the elves came out. We all sang songs.

Doug: Yeah. There were a bunch of cubby guys in fun pointy hats with these cute toes and noses.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yo, stables have one elf. He looks exactly like Golem. Smelled like a hard-boiled egg and I swear to god, this little bastard’s name was Shart.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Okay. Well, did he also sing and dance?

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: No. No. He’s in charge of the reindeer, right? And he tells me it’s time to check them for worms. Cut to I’m holding onto a lady reindeer, I’m keeping her steady while Shart is poking around. And remember, these reindeer can fly, so when she bucks, I’m 20, 30 feet off the ground and still rocking zero pants here. So my hog taker and log maker are on full display. Let’s just say I understand why Crinkle Mouse and company aren’t showing up on any Coca-Cola Christmas cans.

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Doug: God, I don’t think you had as good a time as we did.

Colleen: Oh, yeah, Doug? Yeah?

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: And how were you returned home?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Sharon: Well, Santa sprinkled magic dust and the whole workshop dissolved around us.

Doug: Then we were back in our living room, Christmas morning. We went right out and loaded up the flat bed with Christmas ham for the poor, came home that night and made tender love for the first time in six years.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: [smiling] Lord works in mysterious ways.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yeah, so does Shart. Coz when it was time for me to go, Crinkle Mouse hands him a magic stick and this son of a bitch steps up to the plate and cracks me in the back of the knee with it. And I dissolved into a closed Bank of America 15 miles from my house. And I tripped some sort of alarm so the cops show up and mind you, I am still pants-less. So now, I’m spending Christmas morning in the back of a squad car with my grassy knoll and my gassy hole hanging out. And I’m thinking, “Dammit! Colleen, you’re becoming your mother.”

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Wow! Remarkable. Do you think you’ll ever see these spirits again?

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Sharon: No. But I feel St. Nick in my heart.

Doug: Yeah. I see him whenever I see a child smile.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yeah, I smell hard-boiled eggs, so Shart can’t be too far off. I think that little bastard followed me hom.

[Cut to the window. Shart is knocking the window looking at Colleen. Colleen sees him]

Oh, boy! Great! What the hell am I going to feed that thing?

Talent Competition

Damien Knox… Beck Bennett

Rachel Bell… Cecily Strong

Tay-Tay Dubbs… Kenan Thompson

Yoet Klovok… Mikey Day

Bogdan Klovok… John Cena

[Starts with United States of Talent intro]

[Cut to Damien Knox and Rachel Bell at the stage]

Damien Knox: Welcome back to United States of Talent.

Rachel Bell: It’s time for our last act to take the stage and hope it’s blowing away our studio audience and our judge, entertainment industry professional, Tay-Tay Dubbs.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Holla!

Damien Knox: Alright, let’s bring out our final act. Brothers Yoet and Bogdan Klovok and their act, The Mighty Owl.

[Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok walk in with a big owl]

Yoet Klovok: Hello.

Rachel Bell: Now, guys, we are so excited to have you here. For years, you’ve wowed audiences all over Europe. But we understand this is your first time performing in six months.

Yoet Klovok: Um, that’s right. Six months ago our own Majesty flew head first into a stone wall.

Damien Knox: Oh, gosh!

Yoet Klovok: But vets were able to rebuild parts of his brain with healthy tissues from his intestines and rear end.

Bogdan Klovok: And now, Majesty has fully recovered in tip top shape. Right Majesty?

[owl growling]

Damien Knox: Well, good luck, boys.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Alright, let’s see it, fellows.

Yoet Klovok: On our command, Majesty will fly from my arm and soar over you all.

Bogdan Klovok: Then, he will swoop through these hoops and retrieve this scroll from my mouth.

Yoet Klovok: Then he shall brave death by gliding through the ring of flame to deliver the scroll into that tiny mailbox.

[Tay-Tay Dubbs is holding a tiny mailbox]

Tay-Tay Dubbs: You sure that owl can do all that?

Yoet Klovok: Oh, Majesty will succeed because Majesty…

Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok: [giving a pose] Is a mighty owl!

[the owl poops and pees on Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok]

Yoet Klovok: Oh, god!

Bogdan Klovok: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yoet Klovok: No, no, no, no. Majesty!

Bogdan Klovok: Disgusting! He pie-pied all over my show coat. Tell you, he’s not ready.

Yoet Klovok: He is!

Bogdan Klovok: Apology to you all. Majesty had a small issue. But now, behold the mighty owl.

[The own pukes all over Bogdan Klovok and Yoet Klovok’s faces.]

Yoet Klovok: No! No!

Bogdan Klovok: No, Majesty. Majesty!

Yoet Klovok: Majesty up. Majesty up.

Bogdan Klovok: He’s not ready.

Yoet Klovok: Thank you. And now you have experienced the Mighty owl.

Rachel Bell: Okay. The mighty owl with quite a performance. Bud did it fly with our judge? Tay-Tay.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: I mean, let’s just say it. Your owl is wack. Your owl is out of order. I mean you said it. It’s got ass in his brains. Well, it shows fellas. Tip-top shape? Don’t lie to a man. That owl is sick!

Yoet Klovok: Okay.

Bogdan Klovok: Okay.

Yoet Klovok: Right.

Damien Knox: Okay, any areas of improvement?

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Yeah. Get a new owl. Look, I work in Hollywood and that owl is not a star. That owl is and I can’t prove this, but I know it’s true, that owl is the worst owl in the world.

Bogdan Klovok: Thank you. Thank you.

Rachel Bell: Okay. Let’s bring out our other acts. Three incredibles acts. Which one will be leaving tonight? Will it be bling juggler Max Insight who Tay-Tay called the ninth wonder of the world?

Damien Knox: Will it be 17 year old opera prodigy Erika Le’Saw who Tay-Tay said would win it all?

Rachel Bell: Or will it be the Mighty Owl to which Tay-Tay said got ass in it’s brain.

Damien Knox: Three incredible acts and we’ll find out who is going home after the break.

[The End]

Joanne & The Tree

Mr. Jenkins… John Cena

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Cara… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

[Starts with office colleagues preparing for Christmas party]

Mr. Jenkins: Okie-dokie gang. Start the Yankee Swap in a second. First, I want to thank Cara for getting us such a great tree this year. So, all we need is a volunteer to put this crazy little angel on top of that tree.

Joanne: Oh, I’ll do it Mr. Jenkins.

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne from accounts stepping up. Nice initiative. Here you go. Get it done.

[Joanne stands on a chair to put the angel on top of the Christmas tree. The tree is in front of a window.]

Joanne: Oh, I’m a little excited.

Cara: Go, Joanne

All: Joanne! Joanne! Joanne!

Cara: Little higher Joanne.

[Joanne falls out of the window with the Christmas tree.]

Mr. Jenkins: Did Joanne just fall off the frigging window?

[Everyone goes to the window to take a look]

Cara: Oh my god!

Beck: We don’t even have the tree anymore.

Cara: Christmas is ruined.

Leslie: Look, there she is.

[Joanne is hanging by the side of the window. She is still holding the tree.]

Joanne: Oh! Stupid Joanne. this is what you get for trying to step into spotlight. Guys, I’m not dead. Co-workers, I’m sorry. I’m not dead. I’m sorry for the drama earlier, but I’m out here.

Cara: Oh my god, Joanne. And she’s got the tree.

Beck: Everything’s going to be okay.

Leslie: And you saved the tree, girl.

Mr. Jenkins: Two for two on the initiative, Joanne.

Joanne: Okay, well, I think I’m losing my grip. I think I need to drop the tree.

Beck: Don’t do that Joanne. Without the tree, there’s no party.

Mr. Jenkins: We can save you both. I know it.

Cara: Alright, let’s bring the tree in first so we know we have it.

Joanne: Okay. Or could I suggest that we bring in my human body first?

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne, stop trying to control everything.

Cara: Alright, look, I have an idea. Joanne, start whipping that tree round, okay? Get a nice windmill action going. Then use that momentum to fly upwards through the window.

Joanne: Okay, I don’t think I can do that. This tree has got to go.

Beck: Don’t drop that tree, you frigging grinch! Okay, new plan. I’m going to pour this Monster energy drink in your mouth. YOu’re going to go all Popeye on us and throw that tree up to us like it’s nothing.

Joanne: Oh, please don”t do that.

[Beck pours Monster energy drink all over Joanne’s face]

Leslie: It’s working! It’s working!

Joanne: No, it’s not working. It’s really only in my eyes. Please, Mr. Jenkins. Just pull me up. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever seen. I can see you muscles through your business shirt like every damn day. Just grab my wrist.

Mr. Jenkins: Love to, Joanne, but I can’t. I got in a lot of trouble around here for grabbing women’s wrists. But I do want to give you something. It’s a pair of women’s Isotoners. I got your name in the Yankee Swap.

Joanne: Oh, oh, thank you Mr. Jenkins. They’re really nice.

Beck: Okay, but here’s where Yankee Swap gets interesting. I’m gonna steal the women’s gloves and I’m going to give you the 30 pounds kettle bell that Felicia gave me.

Joanne: Oh, that will do it.

[Joanne slips her hand and falls]

Cara: Oh, no! Well, we tried. Poor Joanne.

Beck: Poor tree as well.

Mr. Jenkins: Alright, somebody is going to have to scoop her off the sidewalk when the party’s done.

Leslie: I’ll do it. Just remind me.

[Cut to Joanne falling down]

Joanne: [screaming] Ahhhhh!

Male voice: Ho, ho, ho, Joanne, it’s me.

Joanne: Santa, you’re here to save me?

[Santa just takes the tree away]

Santa, no!

Dating Show

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Dustin… Beck Bennett

Jared… Kyle Mooney

Frank… Mikey Day

Ryan Mack… John Cena

[Starts with MTV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching MTV. At six, it’s ‘Teen Mom’. At seven, it’s ‘Teen Wolf’. And at eight, it’s ‘Teen Wolf Mom’. But first, it’s time for all new, ‘Hook a Hunk’.

[Cut to the Hook a Hunk stage. There is a lady and three guys on the stage.]

Female voice: Tonight, things are heating up. We got one lucky girl.

[Cut to Michelle]

Michelle: I’m Michelle. I’m 22. and when it comes to love, I’ma all about it.

Female voice: Who gets to hook one of three hot hunks.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: I’m Dustin. I have two cats and I think you’re purr-fect.

Jared: I’m Jared. I love hotdogs. And if you are, I’d relish you.

Frank: I’m Frank. I’m a magician. And if you give me a chance, I think my penis could do the trick.

Female voice: Who will she choose? Let’s find out now on Hook a Hunk. With your host Ryan Mack.

[Ryan Mack walks in]

Ryan Mack: Hey, everyone. Welcome to the show. Let’s get started.

Michelle: Oh, my god. You’re– you’re the host?

Ryan Mack: Yeah, I’m Ryan.

Michelle: Oh, I’m– I’m Michelle. I’m the contestant.

Ryan Mack: I know it. I know coz I’m–

Michelle: You’re the host. Of course. I’m– That was stupid.

Ryan Mack: No. No, it was cool. You wanna play the game?

Michelle: Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m just– I’m nervous.

Ryan Mack: You’re gonna do great. Just be yourself and relax.

Michelle: [flirting] Yeah, easy for you to say. You run this whole place.

Ryan Mack: Shut up.

Michelle: You shut up.

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Ha-ha. Ready whenever you are, Ryan.

Dustin: Yeah, this hunk is ready to get hooked.

Frank: Forget these bozos, Michelle. I know you’re going to hook me.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is feeling Ryan Mack’s biceps.]

Michelle: My god, your arms are so big.

Ryan Mack: Too big?

Michelle: No, no, no. Like, I bet you could pick me up so easily.

Ryan Mack: You want me to try?

Michelle: Right now? You are so crazy, Ryan. Um, but… what are you doing tonight?

Ryan Mack: Well, I just have this thing to do for an hour. Then I’m free. You wanna grab some food?

Michelle: Yeah. Sure. What kind of food do you like?

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Well, for me, my favorite food is strawberries because I’m sweet and, yeah, I like to jam.

Dustin: And I like toast because I want to toast to you, Michelle, and the rest of our lives together.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is holding Ryan Mack’s hand.]

Michelle: Babe, it’s okay, you can tell me what it is.

Ryan Mack: Well, I had a younger brother but he died.

Michelle: Oh, no. I’m so sorry.

Ryan Mack: His last words were ‘Find the right girl.”

Michelle: We should visit his grave. Oh my god, I’m sorry. That was so forward of me.

Ryan Mack: No, it’s not. You’re a family now.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: And if I was on a desert island, the two things I would bring are my guitar and you, Michelle.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is leaning her head on Ryan Mack’s shoulder.]

Ryan Mack: I feel like we’re the only two people alive.

Michelle: Hey, how did you get that scar?

Ryan Mack: I don’t want to tell you. I would just scare you away.

Michelle: Look at me. Nothing is scaring me away.

[Michelle and Ryan Mack start kissing]

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: [looking around confused] And for me, if I was on a desert island, I would bring you, Michelle, and one dozen roses.

Dustin: That’s a really good answer.

Jared: No, it wasn’t. They’re not even listening. I feel so stupid.

Dustin: Hey, you’re not stupid. You’re smart.

Jared: Thanks.

Dustin: Yeah. I mean, that thing you said before about the strawberries, that was awesome.

[Jared hits Dustin in a playful way]

Jared: You’re just saying that.

Dustin: [staring at Jared] I’m not

[Dustin and Jared start kissing]

Female voice: This is been another episode of ‘Hook a hunk’. Until next time, stay horny.

Frank: Um, so, should I just go or…?