Tag: Chris Redd

Family Feud- Oscars Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

Guillermo del Toro… Beck Bennett

Allison Janney… Heidi Gardner

Jordan Peele… Chris Redd

Common… Sterling K. Brown

Sally Hawkins… Melissa Villaseñor

Willem Dafoe… Alex Moffat

Timothee Chalamet… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro]

Male voice: Celebrity Family Feud, Oscars edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in to the set]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Alright. Okay, now. Welcome to the Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar edition. Now, you might not believe this but I have never went to Oscar. My live show won a Black Tony award which in the industry is called Tony Braxton. Alright, today we got Oscars winners versus Oscar losers. [cheers and applause] On the winner side, she just got Best Actress for three billboards, Frances McDormand.

Frances McDormand: Thank you. Thank you. And for all you ladies out there, I have two words that are going to change our industry. Burlap dress. Thank you.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you the kind of lady who goes to a dog park and appoints herself sheriff. Alright, next up, he won best director for the “Shape of Water,” and let me see if I’m pronouncing it correctly. Gucci Del Taco.

Guillermo del Toro: Hello, Steve. It’s Guillermo del Toro.

Steve Harvey: Now, your movie is about a lady who gets busy with a fish.

Guillermo del Toro: Ah! Fish monster. Yes. I love my monsters.

Steve Harvey: And it won Best Picture? Man, that sounds like Wayne’s Brothers movie. Ha-ha-ha. Alright, next. She just on an Oscar for “I, Tonya,” and Im’ sorry but I din’t see it, this is Allison Janney.

Allison Janney: Well, if you wanna know Oscar, I have one piece of advice. Act with the bird. [giggling] Oh! Thank you, pumpkin. If anything you gave me wings.

Steve Harvey: Oh, man I wish they made tiny little Oscars for birds. Oh! Alright, next. He just won best screenplay for “Get Out.” This is Jordan Peele. Congratulations, bro.

Jordan Peele: Thank you very much, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Oh, man. You are so funny too. I loved you on Key and Peele.

Jordan Peele: Well, sketch comedy is great but at some point, you have to move on. You know?

[Steve Harvey looks disappointed.]

Steve Harvey: [clears his throat] Um, you do?

Jordan Peele: Yeah. After a few years, you just gotta do something more artistic. You know?

Steve Harvey: How many years?

Jordan Peele: Are you okay, Steve?

Steve Harvey: Oh, who? Who? Me? Yeah. No, Im’ fine, player. Yeah. I’m real good. I’m real good. Let’s go over to the Oscars losers side. Alright, first up, he’s a rapper who won last year for best song but he lost this year. Common.

Common: Yo! Yo! Blessings, yo! It’s an honor to be a part of this family. Like, despite our feud, we still put food on the table. Provide for the children, make sure their future’s stable.

Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Yeah. Okay, okay. Let’s just slow it down there, Dr. Martin Luther sues. Alright, next, she was nominated for the “Shape of Water,” it’s the lady that got busy with the fish-man, Sally Hawkins.

Sally Hawkins: Hello, Steve. [does the sign language]

Steve Harvey: Now, tell me. Was that fish-man actually sexy?

[Sally Hawkins does the sign language again. She looks like she’s blushing.]

Oh! Whoo! Swampy! Alright, next, he’s a best supporting actor nominee and he kind of looks like the Joker without the make up. It’s Willem Dafoe. How are you feeling Willem?

Willem Dafoe: Totally relaxed.

Steve Harvey: You sure?

Willem Dafoe: Yep. Just cooling out, Steve. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Steve Harvey: Ooh, you spooky little goblin. Alright, finally, he was nominated for “Call Me By Your Name.” This is Timothee Chalamet.

Timothee Chalamet: Stop! Come on! You’re embarrassing me. I’m so cute.

Steve Harvey: Man! I saw you in that movie getting busy with a peach. I guess a fish wasn’t available. Alright, give me two players up here. Let’s play the Feud.

[Steve Harvey and Common walk to Steve Harvey.]

Common: Yo, yo, Frances, this is a privilege.

Frances McDormand: Yeah. Yeah. I might be smiling but I’m not friendly.

Steve Harvey: Feel that chemistry cracker! Alright, 100 people surveyed. Name something that you do when you get up in the morning. [buzzer sound] Common.

Common: Oh, the first thing I do? Well, [background music playing] inspire, illuminate and multiply, teach our children the ways in which one amplifies our voices and out choices will glorify.

Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Alright. Alright. Let’s just buzz that. Let’s buzz them. [wrong answer buzzer] Man! You ain’t no rapper. You more like a Ted talk set to music. Frances, first thing you do in the morning.

Frances McDormand: Well, hmm. You know, as a woman in the industry, I got to doll myself up. So, I do my skincare regimen which is just straight up vaseline. And then I curl my hair using my own anger coz I’ve, you know, had it!

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me, “Some lady yelling.”

[right answer bell]

[The answer board has ‘Fix hair’ in the answers]

Oh, man! Number three answer. Alright, y’all got the board. [cheers and applause] Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Steve Harvey walks to Guillermo del Toro] Jasape De Tona, something that you do when you get up in the morning.

Guillermo del Toro: Our mornings are mysterious. When dawn breaks, I check my nightmare traps for monsters. [Guillermo del Toro drops his glasses] Excuse me, I dropped my glasses. [Guillermo del Toro leans down. Then he scares Steve Harvey making the monster face putting his both palms on his face. His palms have eyes on them.]

Steve Harvey: Ah! No! No! No! [wrong answer buzzer] Man, you are crazy, Del Taco! Alright, let’s go with Allison Janney. What do you do in the morning?

Allison Janney: Gosh. I don’t do much. I mean, I shoot an episode of “Mom”, then two Windy’s, then a commercial. That’s where there are no older women. Jobs for them in Hollywood, I took em’ all. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me loading up your IMDB page. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! Not there. I’m sorry. Jordan Peele, something that you do in the morning.

Jordan Peele: Well, right now, I’m working on a movie about Ben Carson.

Steve Harvey: Oh, really? What’s that called?

Jordan Peele: “Get Out 2: Wake Up Brother.”

Steve Harvey: Oh. Yeah. That would explain it. Show me, making a movie about the walking dead. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! It’s not up there. Alright, Oscar losers, you got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to Oscar losers] Give me some answers.

Timothee Chalamet: Oh, I can’t say, man.

Willem Dafoe: Frolic.

[Sally Hawkins just does the sign language]

Steve Harvey: Um-hmm. Yeah. Alright. Common, you’re the team leader. Do you got an answer?

Common: Oh. Answers. They not up in some board, they’re inside us.

Steve Harvey: Oh, lord. Here we go. Here we go.

[music playing in the background. Common walks to the center.]

Common: Ay. From Martin to Malcolm to Barack and Michelle
we can make light out of dark and find heaven in hell

Steve Harvey: There’s like, church too.

Common: You’re your own future, just come out of your shell
raise fists, take risks, and believe in yourself

Steve Harvey: Just go to commercial!

Common: No, you have the power and you have the ability
everything can change in an instant

Hump or Dump

Freddie Hobbes… Kenan Thompson

Amanda Derkle… Aidy Bryant

Trent Perket… Alex Moffat

Chad Robbins… Chris Redd

Doug… Charles Barkley

[Starts with VHone video bumper]

[Cut to Hump or Dump set]

Male voice: What’s up and welcome to VHone Hump or Dump. Put your hands together for your host Freddie Hobbes.

Freddie: What’s up, y’all? What’s up? I’m Freddie Hobbes and you’re watching the only show where one guy gets humped and two losers get dumped. Now, let’s meet our lucky bachelorette, our miss thing of the moment, Amanda Derkle.

Amanda: [giggling] Oh! So happy to be here, Freddie. I just ended a six year relationship. So, I’m not gonna get slammed by some trash.

Freddie: Alright. Well, Amanda. You’re here for all the right reasons. Let’s meet our potential baes.

Trent: What’s up, Amanda? My name’s Trent Perket and I like to work it. I wanna send a quick shoutout to my homies of the hookah hideout.

Amanda: Ooh! Me likey.

Chad: Amanda. I’m Chad Robbins. Ha-ha-ha. And when I’m not teaching Zumba, I’m mastering the ancient art of Captain Wera. Hai-ya!

Amanda: Ooh! Hachi-machi!

Doug: Hey, Amanda. I’m Doug. Let’s just say it’s in everybody’s best interest you pick me.

Freddie: Yikes! You konw, Doug, you catch more flies with honey then you do with vinegar.

Doug: Who the hell want flies? I want a woman.

Freddie: Okay. Let’s get into it. Amanda, the floor is your’s.

Amanda: Okay, Trent, as the manager of the PF Changs, I’m used to being the head bitch. So, what do you bring to the table?

Trent: Well, Amanda, when you roll wit the T dog, you’re VIP. Helicopters, Hamptons, and half off all on trays in Devin Buster’s.

Amanda: Ooh-la-la. That’s tempting.

Chad: Nah, girl. You pick me because I’m Twitter verified and I’ll always send you home in an Uber pool.

Amanda: Ooh! Color me intrigued. And Doug?

Doug: Let me put this plainly, Amanda. If you don’t pick me, I’m gonna kill myself.

Amanda: Oh! I’m sorry. I don’t think I heard you right.

Doug: Yeah, you did. I’m gonna kill myself. I came to win and I’m putting all my chips on the table.

Freddie: Hey, come on, man! That’s not cool. I mean, you can’t put that on her. If you’re battling depression right now, we can get you some help.

Doug: I’m not depressed. This is a game show. I wanna win.

Amanda: Um, is he allowed to do this?

Freddie: No. Of course not. Usually, our producer, Tina vets these people.

Tina: He seemed cool.

Freddie: Let’s just move on.

Amanda: Um, okay. Trent, it’s 2 AM and I text you, “Sup?” What combo of emojis do you send back?

Trent: I’m going peach emoji, eggplant emoji, water squirt and tongue out.

Doug: I’ll tell you what I’ll do if you don’t pick me.

Amanda: Oh, that’s not the question.

Doug: I’ma drive home, park my oldest mobile in my garage, tape this his hose to my exhaust [showing her a pipe], roll down my windows and it goes dark sleep. Eternal sleep. Just like my daddy and my daddy’s daddies before him.

Amanda: Okay. I don’t like this. [to Freddie] I don’t like this at all.

Freddie: Yeah. Agreed.

Amanda: Um, it kind of feels like I have to pick Doug or he’s gonna kill him.

Doug: I sure am.

Chad: What? Wait, what? That’s not fair. I’ll do it. I’ll kill myself too.

Doug: How?

Chad: I don’t know.

Doug: Well, you ain’t serious.

Freddie: Well, Amanda, I hate to push you in this position. But you’re gonna have to pick somebody. Honestly, you do not have to pick Doug. His mental stability is not your responsibility.

Doug: Yes, it is.

Freddie: You don’t owe him anything.

Doug: Yes, you do!

Freddie: There’s no blood on your hands.

Doug: It isn’t if you pick me.

Freddie: Hey! Relax! Alright? Amanda, I’m gonna need that answer. Will it be Treant? Will it be Chad? Or will it be Doug?

Amanda: Chad! I choose Chad.

Chad: Whoo! Ha-ha-ha.

[Chad starts dancing. Amanda walks to Chad and they both walk out.]

Doug: What? What happened here? I gotta do it. I gotta keep my word.

Freddie: Doug, you don’t need to go through with that. You’re worth something.

Doug: Thanks, man.

Freddie: Now, let’s take out that trash!

[trash is falling upon Trent and Doug]

Female voice: These losers got dumped!

Freddie: Ha-ha-ha! We’ll see you next week on Hump or Dump.

[The End]

Harassment Awards

Danny Kilmartin… Beck Bennett

Yolanda beaks… Cecily Strong

Tom Sturgeson… Alex Moffat

Lenny Martin… Pete Davidson

Renee Genevieve… Kate McKinnon

Ronald Kellogg… Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Tim Franklin… Charles Barkley

Catherine LeBourge… Aidy Bryant

Jack… Luke Null

[Starts with a video clip of Hollywood city]

Male voice: And now, The Academy of Sexual harassment and Misconduct in Hollywood presents, The Grabbies. Celebrating this year’s worst behavior in entertainment. We take you live to the red carpet with [Cut to Danny and Yolanda in the event] Danny Kilmartin and Yolanda Beaks.

Yolanda: Alright, it is finally that time of year. And what a year it’s been.

Danny: I’m sure excited, and as a man, I’m nervous. [smiling]

Yolanda: So many folks in Hollywood have been accused of so much this year but who will take home the coveted Grabbie?

[Danny shows the award. The award is two hands positioned as they’re going to grab something.]

Danny: I was about to jokingly grab you with the award, Yolanda, but then I stopped myself.

Yolanda: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good instinct, Danny. And look who’s heading our way. Grabby nominee, Tom Sturgeson.

[Tom Sturgeson walks in]

Tom Sturgeson: Hey, guys. Hey, it’s really upsetting to be here tonight. [smiling]

Danny: So, Tom, you’re nominated for ‘Handsiest Actor’.

Tom Sturgeson: Um, that’s right. I gave out a lot of unwanted massages to my female costars. Also, I showed an intern my penis and said, “Any idea?”

Yolanda: Wow! Don’t want to jinx it but that sounds like award winning behavior to me.

Tom Sturgeson: Well, thanks. You think so, but it’s such a tough category this year. The competition is so stiff. I’m sorry, poor choice of words. I just mean everyone’s rock hard to be here.

Yolanda: Okay. Move along.

Tom Sturgeson: Yeap, I get that.

[Tom Sturgeson walks away]

And look who it is. Approaching us on the red carpet, one of the nominees for ‘Most Open Robe’, Lenny Martin.

Danny: Lenny, who are you wearing tonight?

Lenny Martin: Um, thin sweatpants with no underwear.

Yolanda: Umm, terrific. Now, this is such a huge moment for you. You must be so ashamed!

Lenny Martin: You think so but no.

Danny: Now, can you give us a preview of your speech tonight if you win?

Lenny Martin: Of course. Well, first I’d like to thank guns for pivoting the national conversation away from harassment. I’d also like to thank my uncle for always saying, “Boys will be boys.” Even when it was like OJ. And of course, I’d like to thank drugs and puking for keeping me in shape. It’s hard to look this good when you’re 57.

Danny: Ha-ha-ha. I like this guy.

Yolanda: Danny, don’t!

Danny: Alright.

Yolanda: Now, let’s start over to Renee who is standing by with a very special guest.

[Cut to Renee. She is standing with Ronald Kellogg and Heidi. Ronald Kellogg and Heidi are together. They’re holding hands.]

Renee: That’s right. I’m here with Ronald Kellogg who is receiving the coveted ‘Cecil B. Molestin’ lifetime achievement award.

Ronald Kellogg: You know, when I started out in this business I was just a kid with two hands, one floppy penis and no sense of boundaries. And now look at me. Praise to the devil. And if the clean up crew at the Peninsula Hotel is watching, get to bed you guys. You’re gonna have a big morning tomorrow.

Renee: [laughing] Okay, great. And is this your wife? [pointing at Heidi]

Ronald Kellogg: Um, no, this is a prostitute.

Heidi: This is fun.

Ronald Kellogg: Oh, you like that? Why don’t you eat this apple?

Renee: Okay, cool. Back to you Yolanda and Danny.

[Cut to Yolanda and Kevin. Kevin is there replacing Danny]

Yolanda: Oh, correction! Yolanda and Kevin. Because that stuff we always suspected about my cohost Danny just showed up on Babe.net.

Kevin: Happy to be here. Is this a trap?

Yolanda: And look who it is. He is nominated tonight for “Best Non Apology’, Tim Franklin.

Tim Franklin: Hey, honey. How is it going?

Yolanda: And his hand is already on the small of my back.

Tim Franklin: Oops! That’s why I’m nominated.

Yolanda: Yeah. Now, when women first started speaking out in Hollywood, you made a public statement.

Tim Franklin: That’s right. I said all women deserve to be heard.

Yolanda: Right. And then, when a woman accused you of misconduct, what did you do?

Tim Franklin: I called her a liar and troll. I had my lawyer publish her home address.

Kevin: Um, but I can’t help notice you’re wearing several pins. Is that a “Time’s Up” pin right up there?

Tim Franklin: Oh, it’s a “Tim’s up”, coz my name is “Tim”, and I’m “UP” to trying anything.

Yolanda: And, does that one say, “I’m with her?”

Tim Franklin: No. It says, “I’m with Herpes.” The doctors gave it to me this morning.

Yolanda: Well. I hope you get what’s coming to you. And Renee, what kind of swag bag are people taking home tonight?

[Cut to Renee]

Renee: Well, all the nominees tonight get a gift certificate to Massage Envy. They’ve got over 1,000 locations and over 10,000 accusations. And speaking of accusations, here comes the first woman ever nominated for a Grabby, Catherine LeBourge

Catherine LeBourge: Yes, so proud to be here.

Renee: Wow! You know, for a woman to get accused, you must have done something truly extraordinary.

Catherine LeBourge: Yes. I bit off an intern’s penis.

Renee: Ah! Amazing. Amazing.

Catherine LeBourge: Yeah. Well, I thought it was a about time that Women got into some trouble too. That’s why from here on out, I’ll be peeping peepees and squeezing sausages all over Tinseltown.

Renee: Okay. That’s great. And which movie did you work on this year?

Catherine LeBourge: Oh. “Shape of Water.” It was actually my job to get the fish horny.

Renee: Well, congratulations. And back to Yolanda and Heidi.

[Cut to Yolanda and Jack. Jack is replacing Kevin.]

Yolanda: Nope. Kevin’s gone too. This is… I wanna say Jack.

Jack: I’d rather not say.

Yolanda: Oh! Good call. We’re gonna take a quick break. And we’ll be back with the nominees for ‘Best Animated Grope’ and ‘Worst Thing Done To A Plant.’

Jack: Oh, man! Twitter just found out my name.

[Cut to The Grabbies video bumper]

Male voice: When The Grabbies return on ABC.

Con Ed Repair Site

Chet… Kenan Thompson

Jack… Charles Barkley

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of men working at the construction repair site. One is using a jackhammer It’s making a lot of noise.]

Chet: Hey, hey, hey. Jack, jack, shut it down. Shut it down. [Jack shuts it down] You’ve been on the jackhammer all day. Stop hogging it. Let somebody else get in there.

Jack: I don’t mind. I love it. There’s something about breaking pavement that relaxes me. [Chet takes the jackhammer]

Beck: Heads up guys. Killer babe, ten o’clock.

[A very attractive woman walks by]

Chris: Damn girl. You’re really killing them.

[The woman turns around]

Woman: Don’t! Don’t even, okay? This may come as a shock to you but I am not n object and you need to wake up.

[The woman leaves.]

Men: Oh!

Chris: All I was gonna say is it was nice. You look nice. And thanks for the splashing color.

Beck: Yeah. Yeah. Right. Of course you were.

Jack: Why do always ladies get to wear the best color? You can’t find that magenta that sings like that in men’s clothes.

Chet: You know, sometimes– you know, this might be stupid but I wonder what I would wear, you know? If was like a lady, you know? Like, what my style would be?

Beck: Where are we going with this?

Pete: I don’t know. Chet is right. I mean, it’s so dumb but women have so many options. You know what I mean?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, when you look at my closet, it’s just a sea of tans and browns. But, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Jack: I am with you with that. Why do women get to echo the season with such a playful ways?

Chris: Hell! I’ma say this. If I were a woman, I’d rock a high waisted harem pants. There it is.

Beck: Did we get high and I not know about it? Come on, guys. Let’s eat roast beef sandwiches and talk about the girls we’d like to date around with.

Chet: Man, we do that everyday. Today, we’re exploring our new avenue.

Mikey: You know, sometimes when I watch the Oscars and the red carpet, I’m like, “How would I wow them if I were a nominated actress?” I don’t know. Right?

Jack: I think I’d wear a gown that had a large peekaboo hole in the back. I’d put a backward necklace with a little pendant that comes around and float in the middle. I don’t know. I’m just spitballing.

Chet: Huh! Well, what might you carry as a clutch there, Jack?

Jack: Something small. Just big enough for my phone, acceptance speech and a few pills.

Pete: I’d like to think how I’d pose on the carpet. Maybe something like this. [Pete does the pose] I don’t know. It’s one of my bad things.

Chet: You know, I think I might wear like a gold slouchy boot. You know? The one that you can push down around your ankle. maybe some shimmery stretch pants with like, an oversized soft piece sweat top that has like, a large enough neck opening so they will fall down. I don’t know. Suppose in like, one shoulder. And maybe the shirt would have like, a phrase on the front. Like, “I’m no angel.” I don’t know.

Guys: [laughing] You wearing that to the Oscars?

Jack: You out of your mind. That’s a VMA look. You don’t disrespect The Academy show looking like brass doll.

Chet: Ay! You putting words in my mouth. I never said I’d wear that to the Oscars.

Jack: Don’t be mad at me. We were talking about the Oscars. And you bring up this outfit sounding like straight out of mannequin from Strawberries.

Guys: Oh!

Pete: It went there!

Chet: Well, maybe you’re just jealous because you wouldn’t be able to pull that look off.

Jack: I outta crack your skull right now.

Beck: Ay, easy! I’m trying to digest my roast beef here. Can we change the subject please?

Chris: Definitely. So, pantyhose or no? Where are we at?

Jack: That’s a big no. What are you? A cemetery from the 80s?

Beck: Guys, come on. Heads up. What’s coming our way.

[Another very attractive woman walks by them]

Hey, you looking hot.

Woman: Get a freaking life, you moron.

Beck: You know what? [music playing in the background] Toxic masculinity is a pair of velvet handcuffs. And gender norms have the hidden key. I’m comfortable with it. But I know I’m restricted. Hell, I couldn’t even figure out what dress I’d wear to the Oscars. It’s because I have no imagination. My mind can’t go there. You know? I’m not suited for abstract thinking.

Jack: Well, I think you’d probably wear long denim skirt with a really thin metallic belt.

Mikey: Yeah. With like, a nice shawl.

Beck: A shawl? Is my daughter getting married? Why am I covering my shoulders?

Chet: Well, we think that will look good on you.

Beck: [yelling] You would! You have no taste. I can’t believe this is how you see me. I thought you guys were my friends.

[Beck walks away]

Jack: What was that all about? Give me that jackhammer back. This is stressing me out.

[The End]

 

Revolutionary War

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Rachel Dratch

Netalie Portman

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Dunken… Chris Redd

Tina Fey

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Mikey Day

[Starts with a picture of an old painting where there are men sitting inside a room]

Male voice: 1775, American colonists in New England are in open revolt against their British overlords. In Philadelphia, representatives of each colony meet to address the crisis.

[Cut to the representatives’ meeting]

Beck: Order! Order! Order! We must declare ourselves an independent nation.

Kyle: And fight the British army? We cannot win, sir!

[Pete walks in with a letter in his hands]

Pete: Glorious news from Boston. It seems the New England have just won an astounding victory over the British in a place called Bonker Hill.

[The men are not excited. They all sigh.]

I don’t understand. Is this not a welcome news?

Beck: No, it is. It’s just that now we have to hear the boasting from the Patriots of New England.

[A group of people wearing blue clothes walk in cheering and making noise. They have glasses in their hands. They are celebrating.]

Alex: Oh, yay!

Rachel: We crushed your chief again. We are the Patriots of New England and we are unstoppable.

New England Patriots: Yeah!

Alex: Do we even know how to lose? No!

Natalie: Dynasty! That’s the word you’re looking for. Dynasty.

Heidi: That’s just how we do it in Massachusetts, kid.

Luke: And Connecticut was there too.

Rachel: Yeah. Sure. A bit. But we’re number one!

New England Patriots: Number one!

Beck: [whispering] I recognize that New England wins battles, but must they be so obnoxious about it?

Kyle: Dreadfully annoying. Frankly, I’m willing to lose this whole war if it means not seeing them win again.

Beck: New Englanders, are you drinking beer? This is not a public house!

Rachel: Knock it! This is coffee from Dunkens.

Natalie: The best. Hey, Dunken, thanks!

[Dunken walks in with two more glasses]

Dunken: It’s good, right? I feel like I should like– It should go like a sweet bread. Like, a very– [Alex looks at Dunken and shakes his head. Dunken keeps quiet and walks out.]

Pete: [very excited] Well, I for one applaud you New England Patriots. On your many victories. What’s up?

Rachel: Many? Many victories? Try five, boss.

New England Patriots: Five!

Rachel: Yeah, we won them all. French and Indian war.

Natalie: Won it.

Rachel: King Phillips war.

Natalie: Killed it.

Rachel: Lexington, Concord!

Natalie: Crushed it.

Rachel: And now, Bonker Hill.

Natalie: The best one yet kid. Oh! Oh! Oh! Tell em’ the story!

Alex: Alright! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Alex walks near Beck,Kyle and Pete]

Beck: Oh, god! Here we go.

Alex: Okay. It was insane, bro! The British got like, 50 ships, okay? We get pushed back way behind our line like 40 yards.

Beck: I see.

Alex: Okay. But, our guy, Captain Thomas Brady, he’s got like a best cannon and boom! We come back like we always do.

Natalie: It was wicked sick! Wicked!

Beck: Wonderful. It’s always lovely to hear another story about Thomas Brady. Now…

Rachel: Thomas Brady is like a machine.

Alex: Um-hmm.

Rachel: We’re all machines. We’re New England. Yeah!

Natalie: We eat the most lobsters.

Heidi: And we got the most rocks in the soil. So, how you like us now?

Beck: Ha-ha. Yes, yes. Well, congratulations again. But I’m sure others would fight just as bravely if given the chance.

Natalie: Oh, yeah?

Heidi: What?

[Kenan, Tina and Charlie walk in. They’re Philadelphians.]

Tina: Yea! We won. [cheers and applause]

Beck: Ah! The delegation from Philadelphia.

Tina: Yeah. How you’s doing? We crossed many waters up the Scoogle river to give all you’s a message. Philly is mad strong. From the lil babies to all our mom-moms and pop-pops. We is ready to fight!

Charlie: Yeah! We whip their horseshoe at their head and sent the British home.

Tina: Yeah. So, grease up them polls, coz Philly’s gonna win and then one of these guys are gonna punch a police horse.

Kenan: Yeah. We’s a bunch of rowdy quakers!

Kyle: Sir, you’re form Philadelphia?

Kenan: Yeah. West Philadelphia, born and raised.

Beck: Alright. I admire your spirit, Philadelphia, but you don’t exactly have history of winning battles like New England does.

Tina: Yeah. Well, that was then. This is now. Okay? Call us the Eagles, coz we’re ready to fly.

Charlie: Fly, Eagles, fly!

Beck: The Eagles?

Tina: Yeah. And like Eagles, we Philadelphians are swift. We are deadly. And our eyes are all built too close together.

Kenan: Yeah! And we got the best food.

Tina: Yeah. Hand me that, Charlie. Hand me that. [Tina takes a bucket from Charlie’s hand] I brought venison hoagies, porch stuffed peppers and corn fritters from Wawa. Wawa. Wawa is an Indian lady who lives just outside of country house.

Natalie: Philadelphia, please! You got no chance, kid!

Rachel: Yeah! Let New England handle this, you skeezer!

Kenan: Oh, go home, New England!

Tina: Yeah. And can I tell you something about your precious captain, Thomas Brady? He’s old, okay? He’s like, forty. That’s four years pass life expectancy.

Rachel: No, sir. You take that back, sir! You take that back!

Tina: Na-ah! Na-ah! Boston’s not even a real city. It’s a college town with a fishing pier.

Rachel: Oh, yeah? Oh, talk to us when you win one, num nuts!

[The two groups are feuding]

Beck: Hey! Patriots of New England, you have truly achieved remarkable success. I believe I speak for this entire chamber when I say, “Just shut up.” Shut up! Yes, you have won in the past. But by no means does that guarantee future victory. And Philadelphians, you are overdue for victory. And I wish you all the best in your upcoming battles. But if you do win, please be cool. Okay? Just because the British don’t burn your city doesn’t mean you have to. Do we nave an understanding?

Tina: Nope!

Natalie: Yeah. We’re the best. You know it.

Rachel: Yeah. Because New England brings the pain!

Luke: And Connecticut too.

Tina: Oh, you trying to get beat tonight? We don’t need the British. We can settle this outside right now.

Rachel: Oh, good with me. Come on! One if by land. Two by your mother.

[They start feuding again. They all walk out.]

Beck: They are the worst. Is there any way they both could lose?

Kyle: God, let’s hope so.

FOX & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Brian Kilmeade… Beck Bennett

Hope Hicks… Cecily Strong

Louis Farrakhan… Chris Redd

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching FOX & friends.

[Cut to Steve, Ainsley and Brian in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Steve: Good morning. I’m Steve Big Poppa Doocy. That’s Ainsley  and Brian.

Brian: Howdy?

Ainsley: Hello. [Cut to Ainsley] We want to say a big hello to all our fans out there, whether you’re fixing your breakfast or getting dressed for work or laying in the Lincoln bedroom

tweeting with an egg mug muffin on your chest, hello.

[Cut to all]

Brian: Yes, you.

Steve: Yes, indeed. [Cut to Steve] Now, coming up, we’ll show you more from our trip to Washington DC where we sit on different balconies and point at Trump hotels. But first, that FinCEN memo is out and it is a bombshell. Um, here to comment is White House communications director, Hope Hicks.

[Cut to Hope in her office]

Hope: Hi everyone. We love the show over here at the White House. It’s playing at full volume during every meeting.

[Cut to split screen with Hope and Brian]

Brian: Now, Hope, this is so exciting. Two years ago, you were a 26 year old former model working for Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. But now, you’re White House communications director.

[Cut to Hope]

Hope: Sure. If you say so. There are no real jobs here. You know? Everyday feels like when a group of strangers suddenly work together to push a beached whale back into the sea

[Cut to split screen with Hope and Steve]

Steve: Well, Hope, this memo proves that the FBI is totally out of control. I hope they don’t drag you into this mess. You seem like an honorable young woman.

Hope: I know. [Cut to Hope] People are treating me like I’m the gossip girl of the White House. But even if a certain White House IT boy did get a little chatty with some Russian hunks, you wouldn’t hear about it from me. Xoxo. [winks]

[Cut to FOX News set]

Steve: Thanks, Hope. Well, the resignation of Andrew McCabe is another chapter of an FBI interim oil.

Brian: It’s a mess over there. [Cut to Brian] Deep state stuff. It’s disgusting. [laughing] Luckily for us, one man has been warning people for years about this and he’s not a partisan politician. He’s a minister. His name is Louis Farrakhan and he joins us now.

[Louis is sitting beside them. He is wearing a suit and a bow tie.]

Louis: Thank you Steve, Brian, Ainsley. I’m surprised to be on your show.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I don’t know much about you but you’re a guy who was telling the truth about the FBI before any of us. What is going on over there?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Ha-ha. Yes, the FBI are next Vipers and Devils, whispering, plotting, spying but believe me when I say this. Their day of retribution is coming for as a man sow with, the same shall he also reap. That’s god.

[Cut to all]

Brian: That’s a great take. That’s a great take.

Ainsley: Mr. Farrakhan, this bow tie is so great, giving Tucker Carlson some competition.

[all laughing]

Louis: Ha-ha-ha. I do not know who that is.

Ainsley: Now, if the FBI can go after the president, aren’t you worried that they might come after you?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, no. I do not fear that for god is justice and he is on the rise.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ainsley: That’s right.

Brian: I am digging this. I am digging this.

Louis: And if retribution pleases god then all of y’all are going to die.

[Cut to all]

Brian: Absolutely.

Louis: Every white person in this room. [pointing at them] You. And you. And even bubble head you.

Brian: Yeah.

Ainsley: Okay.

Brian: Love this guy. Fist bump.

Louis: No, white man. Hell, no.

Steve: I got you. [Steve and Brian do the fist bump]

Ainsley: Thank you. Thank you.

[Louis stands and walks away]

You know what? Hold on. I’m told we’re getting a special call. He’s on the line.

[Cut to Donald Trump in his bedroom. He is talking on phone.]

Donald Trump: It’s me. Good morning Ainsley, Steve and Brian. [cheers and applause]

[Cut to FOX News set]

Ainsley: Oh, my god. President Trump? How are you?

Brian: Hey, big guy.

Steve: Sir, it is such an honor. thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.

[Cut to Donald Trump. He is breathing heavy.]

Donald Trump: Yes. I’m so busy. And if you’re wondering why I’m so out of breath, it’s because I’m doing my P-90 morning exercises right now. [Donald Trump pulls a burger and takes a bite.] But I’m saving the economy, destroying ISIS and right now I’m getting my daily intelligence briefing.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Oh! Um, from who?

[Cut to Louis]

Donald Trump: From you guys. Thanks so much. The show is so great. Huge ratings. Of course not as big as the ratings from my State of the Union speech which was watched by 10 billion people, including all of Gina (China). Now, they say there’s only 7 billion people on earth, so where did the other 3 billion come from? Illegals? I don’t know.

[Cut to Ainsley]

Ainsley: Okay, Mr. President, can I say your speech was maybe the best speech in the history in this country?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Ainsley. I’m gonna tweet that right now. Boom, tweeted. Mega! You know, a lot of folks are saying including Paul Ryan that it was better than Martin Luther King’s “I dream of Genie” speech. Isn’t it amazing what’s happening? Senator Orrin Hatch said I’m the single greatest president ever. And this is Orrin Hatch people! The hottest guy in congress saying I’m better than Lincoln or Washington or anyone else in the country’s history.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Or, even the world. I’ve heard better than Ceasar.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I make buildings. That guy just made salads. No contest. But guys, this memo might be the greatest memo since the declaration of independence. I don’t know. I haven’t read either one of them. And Devin Nunes, I love that guy. My sweet little house elf. So close. So close to earning his freedom. His memo proves that the FBI is biased and they have a history of this, folks. Okay? The history. [Donald Trump drinks soda out of can using straw] Biased against Richard Nixon. They were biased against John Gotti. Biased against Dillinger. Dillinger! I can’t figure that out. And they’re biased against me. Now, can I ask you all a question? Okay?

[Cut to FOX News set]

Brian: Sure.

Steve: Go ahead.

Ainsley: Anything.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Whose State of the Union that 10 billion people watched it?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: Your’s.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Who is the most innocent guy in the whole wide world?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

Ainsley: You are, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: One more time?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear you.

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

Ainsley: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ah! Daddy needed that. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Office Breakroom

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Jason… Will Farrell

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

[starts with office colleagues getting lunch]

Cecily: Oh, I know. It’s impossible to find any vegan food in this town.

Chris: Ah! But who wants to be vegan in the south with all that delicious fried food?

Jason: Guys, time out. I have a story about the south and it’s foods. Um, gosh. How do I start this? Um, I’ll just dive right in. So, I’m taking a road trip and we stop at a Crate and Barrel. And I tell the waitress, “Hey, I’m on a diet. Is there anything in the menu you’d suggest?” And she’s like, “Sugar pie, you’re in Crate and Barrel. Even our menus have butter all over them.”

Alex: Um, Jason, I think you mean Cracker Barrel. Not Crate and Barrel.

Jason: What are you saying?

Heidi: Yeah. I was also confused. I think you meant Cracker Barrel, the kind of country restaurant.

Chris: Yeah. Not Crate and Barrel, the fine sort of upper middle range furniture place.

Jason: Oh, okay.

Cecily: Yeah. Like, if you walk into a Crate and Barrel and ask for a biscuit, they’ll be like, “We don’t have that but we have ottomans.”

[everybody laughing]

Jason: I said, okay! I made a mistake. I walked into a restaurant. It had crates and barrels for their decor. Some shovels here and there. Some little signs saying quint little things. But predominantly, barrels and crates. So maybe we can let it go.

Cecily: Yeah. Um, oh, anyway, I saw the new Jumanji. They go into a video game.

Alex: Yeah. I liked it when it was a board game.

Jason: I’m not from the south, okay? Or from a Crate and Barrel kind of place. So, forgive me for making an honest mistake about something that clearly means a lot to all of you. I’m still figuring everything out.

Heidi: Jason, let it go.

Jason: You know what? You’re awful. All of you are awful.

Chris: Okay. Calm down, man.

Jason: This office is so clicky.

Chris: We- we have moved on, Jason.

Jason: [to Chris] You brought a nasty, nasty prostitute to the holiday party.

Chris: Jason, that was my daughter.

Jason: Oh, okay. So now, you know what it feels like to make a mix up? Now, you can feel the deep shame I felt when I mixed up the two restaurants.

Chris: Okay. One is a restaurant and one is a furniture place. And I didn’t mix anything up. Okay?

Alex: Yeah. You really gotta drop this. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

Jason: Speaking of molehills, you don’t wear condoms.

Heidi: Jason, you don’t know that.

Jason: I’ve seen it.

Alex: You haven’t seen anything, man.

Jason: Okay. But now you know what I’m going through.

Heidi: Wait, what? No, you can’t compare mixing up Crate and Barrel with Crackle Barrel for him being sexually reckless.

Alex: What? Ay! It’s not reckless if everyone involved is cool with it, right?

Heidi: Um, okay. This is silly. Let’s just get back to work and forget.

Jason: I quit!

Cecily: This is your company. You’re our boss. You can’t quit.

Jason: Yes, I can. I’m quitting. And I’m taking all of my pens. All of them. And I’m leaving like an idiot. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Here I go. Dummy off to have a big southern meal at Cracker Barrel because I’m so stupid. I don’t even know that Cracker Barrel actually sells nicely designed furnishings for modern interiors.

Chris: Oh, Jason, you’re talking about Crate and Barrel.

Jason: Wait, what?

Cecily: You just– you did it again.

Jason: Really? Well, guess what. You’re never gonna find your birth parents.

Cecily: I’m not adopted. I know who my parents are.

Jason: Well, all I’ll say is that, you know, life has the sickest way of revealing to you that you’ve been wrong all along about something you were completely sure of. I won’t be back. Alright? P.S., not coming back. I’m off to find a new life without ridicule. Goodbye. And I’m taking this. [Jason carries the jar of drinking water. He’s spilling water all over the place.] I paid for the water. Geez. What a day? What a great day.

Alex: Man, what the hell is wrong with him?

[Jason is looking at them from behind]

Cecily: I don’ know. You know, I don’t even know why I’m married to him. But he’s my husband and I love him.

Flight Attendants

Spencer… Chris Redd

Sabrina… Aidy Bryant

Gareth… Will Farrell

Luke Null

Leslie Jones

[Starts with the flight attendants speaking to the passengers]

Spencer: Welcome aboard flight 1250-C. Service from Lubbock, Texas to Charleston, South Carolina. My name is Spencer.

Sabrina: I’m Sabrina. And returning to the flight crew this week is Gareth.

Gareth: Hi, y’all. I’m Gareth.

Spencer: Gareth just got back from a month long sabbatical. So, let’s give him a hand.

[everyone is clapping]

Gareth: Oh, stop. You’re making me blush.

Sabrina: Now, typically, this is when you sit though some boring safety demonstration.

Spencer: Argh, snooze fast.

Sabrina: But we like to do things a little different around here.

Spencer: We sure do. Someone give us a beat.

[Cut to Luke in the passenger seat]

Luke: I mean, I used to beatbox in college. But I don’t know if I can still ever-ever– [Luke starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: Ooh! That’s nice.

[rapping] 1250-C is a real fun flight

We’ll be soaring through the sky like a big old kite

Sabrina: Your crew is Spencer, Sabrina and Gareth
your comfort and safety is what we cherish

Spencer: Fasten your seatbelt and pull them up tight
and don’t unbuckle if you see that light

Sabrina: Be sure to stay seated or you’ll bump your head

Gareth: And god’s not real, when you die, you’re dead

All: Oh, my god!

Spencer: Dammit, Gareth!

Sabrina: Why would you say that?

Spencer: Gareth!

Gareth: They deserve to know.

Spencer: We’re doing a safety rap, dude!

Sabrina: Yeah. Your line was “Exit rows are marked in red.”

Gareth: I’m just preparing them.

Sabrina: For what?

Gareth: The beyond.

Spencer: Um, look folks, we apologize. God is real and Gareth will stick to the rat we agreed on.

Gareth: We are alone in the cosmos and Gareth will rap as he pleases.

Sabrina: Spencer, just ignore him. [to Luke] Sir, would you please bring that beat back in? I thought that was pretty fire.

[Cut to Luke]

Luke: Thanks. But it’s just something I ever-ever– [starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: [rapping] If you happen to be seating in the exit row
there’s a couple of things we think you should know

Sabrina: Your closest exit might be to the back

Gareth: And afterlife is just a void of black.

Spencer: [yelling at Gareth] Stop doing that!

Gareth: I will not be silenced.

Sabrina: What’s happened to you, Gareth?

Gareth: I woke up, Sabrina. I woke the hell up.

Sabrina: Well, Spencer worked very hard on this rap. So cut it out!

[Cut to Leslie in the passenger seat]

Leslie: Um, yes, I have a question.

Spencer: Yes, ma’am. You are in fact seated in the exit row. yes.

Leslie: Oh, no. My question is for Gareth. So, when you die, you just gone forever?

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Gareth: Bingo!

Sabrina: Ma’am, why?

Gareth: And religion is a delusion that shields us from that im-permanance. If you’re interested, I can recommend several podcasts.

Spencer: Can we please just finish the rap, please? Thank you.

Sabrina: Yeah. I agree. Gareth, the freak show ends now. Okay. Sir, please bring that sweet ass beat back in one more time.

Gareth: It is a very sweet beat.

[Cut to Luke]

Luke: Really, it’s not that ever-ever– [starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: [rapping] Now, let’s discuss an important task
how to apply your oxygen mask

Sabrina: Look out below when they start to fall
you gotta move quick, there’s no time to stall

Spencer: Strap to the head, pull the tight ends tight

Gareth: Be sure to do your’s before helping your friends

Spencer: Now you all understanding

Sabrina: But you should be doing something in the water landing

Gareth: The cushion on your seat can be used as a float
you can slide down the ramp and into a boat
blood stains the water, and you start to scream
what benivolant god would allow such a thing?

Spencer: [yelling] There is an air Marshall in here at all?

Gareth: [rapping] When I say ‘death is’, you say ‘Final’

Death is

Leslie: Final!

Gareth: Death is…

Leslie: Final!

Spencer: Okay, that’s it. Give me that. [Spencer takes Gareth’s mic away]

[Air Marshall walks in]

Air Marshall: Air Marshall here. [holding Gareth tight] You’re gonna have to take a seat sir. Come on.

Gareth: Okay. Wow. Sic the thought police on me, Adolf. Real nice. Everyone here should read 1984. It’s irrelevant now as forever. You 3-F

Fighter Pilots

Wild Card… Mikey Day

Side Winder… Beck Bennett

Viper… Chris Redd

Clown Penis… Will Farrell

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of four fighter planes flying somewhere over the South China sea]

[Cut to Wild Card flying a plane]

Wild Card: Morning, pilots. This is squad leader. We’re about twenty minutes out from the Korean Peninsula. Since we were all scrambled from different bases, go ahead and introduce yourself. I’m Wild Card.

[Cut to Side Winder flying a plane]

Side Winder: Side Winder.

[Cut to Viper flying a plane]

Viper: Viper.

[Cut to Clown Penis flying a plane]

Clown Penis: Clown Penis.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Pilot, you got a little static there. Um, mind repeating that call sign again?

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Sure thing. Clown Penis. Clown like, the circus. Penis like, your penis. Lovely day to fly, huh, boys? Clown Penis, over and out.

[Cut to Cecliy in the ground control office listening to the conversation]

Cecliy: Squad, this is Honolulu ground control. Com’s signals are a little spotty. So, we just wanna clarify a couple of things. One, are you guys saying ‘Clown Penis’? And two, why? Over.

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Hello, Honolulu. That is affirmative. You are hearing Clown Penis because I am Clown Penis. Over.

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Copy. Is this some sort of pilot joke?

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: A joke? Ma’am, a pilot’s call sign is very serious. When an enemy sees me on his tail, I want him to feel the fail the same way that you’d feel if a clown showed you his penis. Confused, unsettled and most of all, very, very scared. Rest to sure it, if you see a clown penis, me or an actual clown’s penis, this just ate your day. So, Honolulu, how do you feel about saying Clown Penis now?

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Still weird. Over and out.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: I’ve heard worse call signs. Flew with a pilot in academy named ‘Mr. Pick Ass.’

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: You might want to change that to ‘Mr. Corny Ass.’

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Hey, guys. Let’s watch our language over the calls please. We’re in the air force. Not the 7th grade. Clown Penis out.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Copy that. Okay. Let’s switch up to stealth formation. Confirm. New position. Over.

[Cut to Side Winder]

Side Winder: Right wing high.

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: Left wing low.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He is upside down.]

Clown Penis: Unintentional upside down I don’t know how I did this. But it’s happening.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Whoa! Clown Penis, you need some help correcting that invert. Over.

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: All good now. Just a little nine seconds of sheer abject terror. Won’t happen again, fellas. Sincerely, your pal, Clown Penis.

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Okay, squad, we’re gonna run a pursuit drill here. Increase speed, decline to 50,000 ft. Over.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: You heard her, boys. Engage afterburners.

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: Wo-hoo! This raft is a worth that price tag.

[Cut to Side Winder]

Side Winder: Side Winder to Wild Card. I don’t see Clown Penis information. Over.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Copy that. Clown Penis, what is your current position.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He’s now flying over the space.]

Clown Penis: Hard to tell. But looks like I’m where space starts. I have to bow out of this drill, boys. This may take a while to fix. Just saw a satellite. Yeah. And there go the arms. [Clown Penis starts floating inside his plane] Oh, I’m definitely in space, fellas. ON the bright side, can’t get worse than this.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Roger that, Clown Penis. Will alert ground at your situation.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He is hanging upside down again.]

Clown Penis: Never mind, guys. It got worse.

[The End]

Fresh Prince

Will Smith… Chris Redd

[Starts with Will Smith rotating on a chair. Music video starting.]

[music playing]

Will Smith: [rapping] In West Philadelphia born and raised
on the playground is where I spent most of my days
when a couple of guys, they were up to no good
started making trouble in my neighborhood

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
she said…

Mom: You’re moving with your aunty and uncle in Bel-Air.”

Will Smith: I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there
the seat of my throne as the prince of Bel-Air

Turns out, the guys I fought weren’t regular thugs
they were a powerful gang running guns and drugs
and because of our fight one went to jail
so they followed me all the way out to Bel-Air

Thug: Let’s go to Bel-Air and kill that nerd!

Will Smith: They barged right through the door, started trashing the place
my uncle Phil got all up in the leader space
He said…

Uncle: Son, I’m a judge, so you better think twice.

Will Smith: Then they beat my uncle Phil with an inch of his life

Uncle: Call somebody. Call the cops.

Will Smith: Car roll, Tim pissed his caceis and snitched me out.

Tim: He’s hiding outside in the poolhouse

Will Smith: So, I got out of there as quick as I can,
laid low in a motel hiding from that gang

Then this lady showed up and here’s what she said

Lady: I’m FBI, you stay here, you’re dead

Will Smith: At that very moment, I was frozen with fear,
she said…

Lady: You wanna stay alive, you got to disappear

Will Smith: Cut to the city morgue where I’m scared and confused
she’s dressing a dead body in my clothes and my shoes
she said she needs my teeth and couple of hair
to make the thugs think the body’s of fresh Prince of Bel-Air

News: The body in the car has been identified as a Philadelphia man who according to friends, enjoyed Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool.

Will Smith: I watched my own funeral from behind the tree
I saw my mama cry as they buried me
I said, “Can I just let them know I’m alright?”
She said…

Lady: Now you’re a ghost, say goodnight.

Will Smith: I woke up in the warehouse on a maddow seat
where this scary Japanese male looking at me

Lady: The debt is repaid

Will Smith: The lady said to the man
I asked her, “Yo, what the fuck is happening?”
She said…

Lady: I’m not FBI, but I’m sorry I used you
but my father owes a lot of money to the Yakuza

Will Smith: So all of this was just a crazy ploy?

Man: Silence, worm, now you’re a nobody boy

Will Smith: Didn’t know what that was, didn’t wanna find out
butt they burned off my fingerprints and duck-taped my mouth
then, gunshots and the hits been dropped
the Philly thugs enter holding nines and glocks

Thug: Ay, yo, Philly’s my town..

Will Smith: Said the thug to the man

Thug: Gather up your crew and go back to Japan

Will Smith: The man just smiled and quietly answered

Man: Gentlemen, please teach our guests some manners

Will Smith: Both crews opened up, bullets firing pass through
red head got hit with a shotgun blast
in a shadow stood a man who nobody knew who he was

Thug: Who the hell are you?

Uncle: You can call me the judge

[everybody start shooting at each other.]

Will Smith: Uncle Phil said…

Uncle: You need to get off the grid
you can never go back to the life that you lived

Will Smith: So I crawl on the floor pass the red headed traitor
and her las words were….

Lady: Yo, see you later.

[Uncle Phill gets shot several times]

Will Smith: That’s my story, y’all about how
my life got flipped turned upside down
and if anybody asks, just stay right there
and tell them how I became [Cut to a homeless man] Jasper Mitchell of White Ridge, NH