Tag: Chris Redd

Amazon’s New Headquarters

Jeff Bezos… Kyle Mooney

Jeanine Flanigan… Jessica Chastain

Tommy Geleki… Beck Bennett

Casey Affleck… Mikey Day

Reverand Jeremiah Green… Kenan Thompson

Camelle Lo… Leslie Jones

Shep Pauladinau… Aidy Bryant

Corey Booker… Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

Cecily Strong

Pitbull… Mikey Day

[Starts with Jeff Bezos in his Amazon office.]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, are we ready for the presentations?

Alexa: Yes, sir. We are down to twenty cities for our new Amazon headquarters.

Jeff Bezos: Great. The winning city would get 50,000 new jobs and billions of dollars. Alexa, isn’t this exciting?

Alexa: Yes, it is exciting.

Jeff Bezos: And just to make sure, Alexa, who is the richest man in the world?

Alexa: The richest man in the world is Jeff Bezus.

Jeff Bezos: Close enough. Um, let’s begin.

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Boston.

[rock music playing]

[Jeanine Flanigan and Tommy Geleki walk in]

Jeanine Flanigan: Hey, Jeff.

Tommy Geleki: How are you doing, Chief?

Jeanine Flanigan: Thank you for having us, Mr. Bezos. [music stops] My name is Jeanine Flanigan.

Tommy Geleki: And I’m Tommy Geleki.

Jeanine Flanigan: And we are from Boston’s chamber of commerce. We’d like to present you with a pound of Dunken doughnut’s coffee. Dock Roast.

Tommy Geleki: The good stuff.

Jeanine Flanigan: And two tickets to store Centway Park.

Tommy Geleki: Yeah. Upper level. You know, we’re not millennials– millionairs, sorry.

Jeanine Flanigan: Ha-ha. Look, Mr. Bezos, Boston is the best.

Tommy Geleki: The best.

Jeanine Flanigan: I’ll take it, but don’t take it from us. Take it from Oscar winning actor, Mr. Casey Affleck.

[Casey Affleck walks in]

Casey Affleck: How are you doing?

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey was so excited when he heard Boston was in Amazon headquarter finalist.

Casey Affleck: Yeah. Um, this guy, I guess. I don’t know.

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey, you grew up in Boston. Wouldn’t Amazon love it there?

Casey Affleck: Umm.. yeah. I don’t know. I, um, I live in LA now. Maybe, um– Maybe put your office there.

Tommy Geleki: Oh my god, Casey! Bro!

Casey Affleck: You think you’re better than us?

Tommy Geleki: Okay, okay. Let’s take this outside. Thank you so much, Mr. Bezos. [to Casey Affleck] Are you going to Hollywood, bro?

Jeff Bezos: I like em’. They’re passionate. Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Atlanta.

[Jeremiah, Camelle and Shep walk in]

Jeremiah: Yeah. What’ good, partner? Man, y’all need to come see the A filming. Let’s do the damn thing, man. My name is Reverand Jeremiah Green. And I am here on behalf of the mayor’s office.

Camelle: And I am Camelle Lo from Atlanta’s office of business development.

Shep: And I’m Shep Pauladinau and I’ma be careful what I say.

Jeremiah: Ay, look here, man. Atlanta’s made for business, okay? Airport’s only 20 minutes away from downtown.

Camelle: Two hours with traffic.

Jeremiah: We had Olympics there back in 96.

Camelle: The one with the bomb.

Jeremiah: And you know, Atlanta has these wonderful places where people from all walks of life come together.

Camelle: It’s called the Waffle house.

Jeremiah: Yeah. We ready. So, today, we present you some of the symbols of our city, a can of Coca-Cola and a sandwich from Chipotle.

Shep: And I brought my delicious signature three butter pudding, y’all. It’s the dish that American Heart Association rated ‘doubt’.

Jeremiah: And to show you how much we love Amazon, we give you an Atlanta t-shirt delivered by Amazon drone.

[a drone is flying over them]

Hey! Man, I don’t trust that thing.

Camelle: Oh, hell no. Let’s get out. That’s the police.

Jeremiah: That’s the police.

Camelle: That’s the police.

Jeff Bezos: Um, we’ll be in touch. Um, Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Newark.

[Corey Booker walks in]

Corey Booker: Hello, Mr. Bezos. My name is Corey Booker and I am so proud to be representing Newark, a city on the rise. By the way, I know we’re not getting this at all. And that gives me [yelling in squeaky voice] authentic rage! This is a nice office. Anyway, have a good day. #AuthenticRage.

[Corey Booker walks out]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Miami.

[Melissa and Cecily walk in]

Melissa: Ola, Mr. Bezos. We are from the Chamber of Commerce for the city of Miami. A diverse group of people all living in harmony together. Cubans, Jews, gays.

Cecily: Lizards, bugs, beans, cocaine.

Melissa: And featuring, Pitbull.

[Pitbull walks in]

[music playing]

Pitbull: Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Putbull starts dancing]

Melissa and Cecily: [singing] It is Miami and it is loco
It is Miami and it is loco

Pitbull: Yeah! 2018, Miami. This is all I do. Hah! Hah! Hah! Pitbull, dale!

Melissa: Today, we present you with the tasty pina colada.

Cecily: And a souvenir of our city. Pitbull.

Pitbull: Hah!

Jeff Bezos: He’s all your’s now.

Pitbull: Hah! Pitbull! A-bi-ano-bi! Dale! Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Melissa, Cecily and Pitbull walk out]

Jeff Bezos: Wow, this is a tough decision, Alexa. Who should I choose?

Alexa: I didn’t hear that.

Jeff Bezos: It’s okay. I love you.

[The End]

Weekend Update- Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham

Colin Jost

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

Stedman Graham… Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: After her claimed Golden Globe speech, Oprah Winfrey is considering running for president. Oprah’s long time partner Stedman Graham added to the rumors when he said the she would absolutely. Here to explain are Oprah and Stedman.

[Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham slide in]

Oprah Winfrey: Hello, America.

Stedman Graham: Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. What she say.

Colin Jost: Alright. Let’s just start with this. Oprah, are you running?

Oprah Winfrey: Colin, I thought about it for a while.

Stedman Graham: Long time.

Oprah Winfrey: And I’d love to give you an answer.

Stedman Graham: Here it comes.

Oprah Winfrey: But I don’t know.

Stedman Graham: Nah. No answer today.

Oprah Winfrey: This is America. Running for political office is tough.

Stedman Graham: So, we’re not doing it.

Oprah Winfrey: But it would be worth it to serve my country.

Stedman Graham: Which is why we’re gonna do it.

Colin Jost: Now, Oprah, you’re already very powerful.

[Stedman Graham laughing hard]

Stedman Graham: You don’t even know.

Colin Jost: Why would you ever do this?

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll tell you, Colin. I need to get white women back on track.

Stedman Graham: Get them back on track, white women.

Oprah Winfrey: Ever since I’ve been off the air, they’ve gotten out of control. They voted for Trump.

Stedman Graham: Why?

Oprah Winfrey: They voted for Roy Moore

Stedman Graham: Yeah.

Oprah Winfrey: They kept twelve different shows about flipping houses on air. It’s a mess.

Stedman Graham: It’s a mess.

Oprah Winfrey: Somebody needs to look these women into eye and say, “You deserve my three favorite things.” Love.

Stedman Graham: Um-hmm.

Oprah Winfrey: Respect.

Stedman Graham: That’s right.

Oprah Winfrey: And a new panini maker. [pointing at the audience] You get a panini. You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: You too.

Oprah Winfrey: You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: At least three of y’all get paninis.

Oprah Winfrey: Who else is going to do that for them?

Stedman Graham: Nobody, that’s who.

Oprah Winfrey: I’m the only woman in America who is on first name basis with Dr. Phil…

Stedman Graham: Doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: Dr. Oz…

Stedman Graham: Another doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: And Dr. Dre.

Stedman Graham: That’s the whole medical community.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. I understand. I’m sure you would be great but some people are saying that we don’t even know there’s celebrity president.

Oprah Winfrey: And I certainly understand that.

Stedman Graham: Yeah. That’s a good point.

Oprah Winfrey: But I disagree.

Stedman Graham: So, you’re wrong, Colin. Very mistaken.

Colin Jost: Now, if Oprah was president, can I ask what would your role be, Stedman?

Stedman Graham: Who? Me? You got a question for me? No one has ever asked me a question before. [clears throat] Okay, well my role would be simple. I’m gonna be the first Stedman.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And what does that mean?

Stedman Graham: TBD. We’ll see what happens.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think you’ll both be great. Oprah, is there anyone out there who you think could beat you?

Oprah Winfrey: Yes. There’s one thing in my life that’s been able to beat me. Bread. All my life, I’ve lost a bread. Please. Don’t make me run against bread. I hate bread.

Colin Jost: Oprah and Stedman, everyone.

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll let you know soon.

Stedman Graham: I’ll let you know after she lets you know.

Morning Joe Michael Wolff Cold Open

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Eddie Glaude… Chris Redd

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Steve Bannon… Bill Murray

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mornig Joe intro]

Song: Welcome to the nut house.

[Cut to Mika and Joe in their set]

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Good morning.

[cheers and applause]

It’s a great song. Who is that?

Mika: Joe, you know who it is.

Joe: Oh yeah, it’s me. Ha-ha. That’s my original jam, ‘Welcome to the nut house.’ I’m Joe, that’s Mika. Willie Geist is here.

Willie: Good morning.

Joe: We just played that song live last night in prohibition. Mika was there.

Mika: I come because I have to.

[Mika and Joe start looking at each other intimately]

Joe: You come because I tell you to.

Mika: Oh my god. Can we not be this self aggrandizing this early in the morning? You’re digusting.

Joe: And you’re foul.

Mika: I’m gonna bar foul over you.

[Willie is confused]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Joe: Let’s get to the news. President Trump is at it again. He’s using a deeply offensive when describing Haiti and some African country.

Mika: Can you trust?

Joe: Joining me to break this down is chair for the Center of African American Studies at Princeton, [Cut to Eddie] Eddie Glaude.

Eddie: How are you doing?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Eddie]

Joe: Eddie, this is an example of inflammatory racist language. Why do GOP leaders condemn this immediately?

Eddie: Well, first–

Joe: [interrupting] Because Eddie, you’ve studied this stuff extensively, okay? I mean, can you imagine any other president making comments like this? What’s your take?

Eddie: I mean–

Joe: [interrupting] I mean, this is not the first time that he said something like this. Is this a surprise giving his comments in the past? He’s taking about asian, he’s talking about Africans, and the question is this, when will they get to speak? When is it their turn? How long will they be silenced.

Eddie: I personally–

Joe: [interrupting] Eddie Glaude, great points. Thanks for joining us.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Mika: Well, it has been a tough week for the president with the release of the sensational new book ‘Fire and Fury.’ Joining us is the author of that book, Michael Wolff.

[Michael Wolff joins Mika and Joe]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Wolff: Thanks for having me.

Joe: Now, Michael, this book is wild.

Mika: Insane.

Joe: The conversations are so intimate–

Mika: It’s depressing. I’m depressed. It’s amazing what you’ve found. You say the president watches TV most of the day. He eats McDonald’s because he’s afraid of being poisoned. Is there anything you didn’t include?

Michael Wolff: Well, sure. Probably the worst one is the baby races.

Mika: What?

Joe: Can I get your pardon?

Michael Wolff: There were baby races. Trump would ask to have two babies placed in his office usually of different ethnicities. Someone would put a bowl of goldfish crackers on the other side of the room and Trump would say, “1,000 bucks on the black one.”

Mika: My– Is that real?

Michael Wolff: [smiling] Yeah.

Willie: Now, Michael, there has been several errors pointed out in this book already. Do you take responsibility for those?

Michael Wolff: Look, you read it, right?

[looks like they haven’t read it]

Mika: Yeah.

Joe: Of course.

Michael Wolff: And you liked it? You had fun?

[Willie is just nodding his head]

Joe: Yeah.

Mika: Yeah.

Michael Wolff: Well, what’s the problem? You got the gist. So, shut up. You know, even the stuff that’s not true, it’s true.

Mika: I knew it. I knew it was true. The White House is a– I can’t, and I can’t.

Joe: [interrupting] Okay, you know, hey, this one. [Mika is trying to speak] It has been at an 11 for the past year. Okay? I think you’re hangry.

Mika: Oh, you stop.

Joe: This one’s hangry. Come on. Hey, you, calm down. What do you want to do for lunch?

Mika: I don’t know.

Joe: Yeah. I know what you want. [Mika and Joe look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re a steak florentine gal.

Mika: Yeah? You’re gonna feed me my meat? Coz you’re a dirty dog?

[Willie is shaking his head]

Joe: You know I am. Ruff. Ruff.

[Michael Wolff is looking at them and is uncomfortable]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Michael, one person who is heavily featured in this book is Steve Bannon who is just like goes had a Breitbart news. Here to talk about it. Steve Bannon.

[Steve Bannon joins them. He is wearing grim reaper costume. He opens the costume and takes a seat.]

[cheers and applause]

Steve, good lord.

Mika: My god, Steve. I always thought you look like death but this is death form–

Steve Bannon: Mika, nice words, blessings.

Mika: Okay, so you guys know each other, right?

Michael Wolff: Of course. I got him fired.

Steve Bannon: Come on. I got you hired.

Michael Wolff: Oh, you love it. Even the negative stuff. You love it.

Steve Bannon: Do love it, do live it. Look, no one gets the Bannon fire. No one.

Michael Wolff: Um, except me.

Steve Bannon: Hey!

Michael Wolff: I did.

Steve Bannon: I never said Don Jr. was treasonous.

Michael Wolff: Yes, you did.

Steve Bannon: Well, I certainly never said that he cracked like an egg on TV.

Michael Wolff: Uh, yeah, that sounds exactly like you.

Steve Bannon: Okay, that does sound like me. Yeah. Alright, thank you. Good reporting. But look, the Cannon magic still out there. Steve Bannon, the Bannon Cannon, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, kind of king makers, ozymandias, the Bannon dynasty is dawning.

Mika: Uh-huh. And, um, what are you doing now?

Steve Bannon: I’m working on a web series for crackle. It’s called ‘Cocksy cars getting coffee.’ And I’m also coming out with a new line of wrinkled barn jackets called fruppers for guys. Spring time, skin care line. Blotch.

Michael Wolff: You know what? Come on. You know you’re done. It’s over.

Joe: Yeah, Steve, you think they’re ever let you back in politics?

Steve Bannon: Yes and on the Cannon’s terms too, as a king maker. I convinced this country to elect Donald. And I can do it again. Already auditioning candidates. Got some prospects. Logan Paul. Martin Shkreli. The subway guy, Jared Fogle. He’s back. He’s electable. It’s time for America to slide down the Bannon-ster. [smiles]

Michael Wolff: You know, Steve, I have to admit it. You did something amazing. You took the biggest long shot in history and you got him elected president. And you unleashed this monster of biblical proportions upon the universe.

Steve Bannon: Michael Wolff, it’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: The America we loved is over and no one is coming to save us and no one can.

Joe: Well, you know what? Let’s go live by satellite to special guest.

[Cut to Oprah Winfrey]

[cheers and applause]

Mika: Oh my god, it’s Oprah. I thought I smelled lavender and money.

Joe: Oprah, are you running?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Oprah]

Oprah: Well, I am a celebrity, so I’m qualified. But I’m different from Donald Trump because I am actually a billionaire. So, who knows? I mean there’s only one job in the world more powerful than being president.

Mika: And what’s that?

Oprah: Being Oprah. Bye.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Joe: Thank you, Oprah. That was delightful. Thanks for being here. And

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Marcus Comes to Dinner

Richard… Sam Rockwell

Aidy Bryant

Tim… Alex Moffat

Marcus… Chris Redd

[Starts with Richard and Aidy waiting for the guests in home]

Richard: What time are Tim and his friend coming over?

Aidy: Okay, it’s Tim’s boyfriend, Richard. If we’re going to make an effort then we really have to make an effort.

Richard: Yeah. Boyfriend. I’m sorry. Their light has part I don’t like.

[Cut to Tim and Marcus outside the door.]

Tim: Yeah. It’ll be okay. We’ll get through it. Just we’ll be out of here in like an hour, tops. Okay?

Marcus: Yeah. If you say so.

Tim: Yeah.

Marcus: Um, do they know I’m a pornstar?

Tim: What? No. No. God. I didn’t tell them that. Why would I tell them that you are a pornstar?

[Aidy opens the doory]

Aidy: Timmy?

[Tim and Marcus walk inside the door]

Tim: Hey!

Aidy: Oh, come on in here, guys.

Richard: Hey.

Tim: How are you doing?

Richard: [looks at Marcus] Wait, um. Never mind.

Marcus: Oh.

Tim: Um, you know, we’re really happy to see you guys.

Aidy: Of course. Have a seat, you guys. You know, we are so happy to have our little angel home and you must be Marcus.

Marcus: Yes, ma’am.

Richard: Does Marcus seem familiar to you?

Aidy: How so?

Richard: I don’t know. Marcus, do I know you?

Marcus: Nah, we never met.

Richard: Really? I feel like I see you all the time. Are you working at that coffee shop on second or something? Where do I know you from? What do you do?

Marcus: Some freelance stuff.

Tim: You know, Marcus is a dental hygienist. He cleans teeth. It’s all he does.

[Aidy has a wine and wine opener in her hands]

Aidy: Oh, well, sweetie, there’s no need to be tensed. Your father and I are very much happy that both of you are here. You know, I am struggling with this thing. Can one of you open it?

Marcus: Oh, definitely. I will definitely.

[Marcus gets the wine bottle and the opener. He puts it between his legs and he is making noises while using his strength.]

Richard: I would disagree on a lot son. I’m getting used to your lifestyle. We can still be a fit family. [Richard is looking at Marcus making noises with a bottle between his legs] I was thinking maybe you could join us at church sometime.

Marcus: So hard sometimes, you know?

Richard: God, where do I know you from?

Tim: Hey, dad! Dad, can you just drop it?

Richard: You work at a Crunch? I know I’ve seen you.

Marcus: Yeah. That’s becoming very clear. Very clear.

Aidy: Well, you know boys, I got those sneaker doodle cookies that you like. They’re in the kitchen. You know, the thing about these two boys is that they share everything the same. They got the same taste in everything.

Marcus: Yeah. I’m very popular with certain type of democraphic.

Tim: Um, mom, how’s Kathleen?

Aidy: Well, she’s out of control. I mean she has two tattoos. Now, you don’t have any tattoos, do you Tim?

Tim: No, mom.

Aidy: What about you, Marcus?

Marcus: Well, I got a couple.

Richard: Couple of guns right above your butt. Oh! You’re a gay pornstar. That’s what it is. I feel so stupid. I got one of my top tier gay pornstar in my house and we’re giving him cookies. I can’t believe I wore this shirt to meet Marco Pumpgood like an idiot. I have cuter shirts, just so you know. See, I got confused earlier because you kind of look like Jason Thrust. But I thought, “No, no, he hasn’t been with the cocky boys for like..”, I don’t know, three years. But, you both went on that Palm Springs getaway together? Boy! As soon as I saw that trailer, that’s when I finally subscribed. Just bootlegging off that tube size for that but I wasn’t about to wait a whole week for that scene. Well, [walks to the door and gets his coat] anyhow, I guess I’m getting a divorce. Now, I’m probably stepping down this pastry. Goodbye, family.

[Richard walks out]

Aidy: Well, okay. So, that was a lot to take.

[Richard walks in again and takes his laptop with him]

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. And you’re gonna need your laptop. Sure. Okay. Well, so, Pumpgood, is that Irish or?

Marcus: Um, no, ma’am. It’s from porn.

Aidy: Yeah. I know that. It was a joke. My marriage just fell apart. Will you let me have one thing?

[The end]

ATM

Kate McKinnon

Sam Rockwell

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[Starts with a car pulling over in the streets. It’s very dark.]

[Cut to Kate and Sam inside the car]

Kate: Wait, what are we doing? We’re stopping?

Sam: Yeah. Gotta get some cash.

Kate: [pointing towards ATM vestibule] In there?

Sam: That’s a bank, ain’t it?

Kate: I just– I don’t want to stop in this neighborhood.

Sam: Relax. It’ll be like, two minutes.

Kate: Okay. Well, hurry up.

[Sam opens the vestibule door using his card. Kenan comes running in the rain.]

Kenan: Yo, yo, yo, hold that door.

[Sam holds the door for Kenan. Kenan gets in and is cleaning up. He is a black man wearing a red sweatshirt. Sam looks at him and gets nervous. He doesn’t want to cash out in front of Kenan.]

Sam: You know what? You can go ahead if you want to.

Kenan: No man, you were first.

Sam: No, I’m not really in hurry. It’s fine.

Kenan: Neither am I. Go ahead, man.

Sam: You know what? It’s silly. I think I grabbed the wrong card.

[Sam and Kenan look at each other for some time]

Kenan: Oh, I get it. A black man followed you in here dressed like this. And now all of a sudden you grabbed the wrong card, huh?

Sam: No. No. No.

Kenan: Yo, I work my ass off 60 hours a week so I don’t have to steal from you or anybody else, alright?

Sam: It’s late, okay? You ran in here. I guess I got a little rattled, alright?

Kenan: Well, ay, here’s a tip. Not every black man is a damn thief, you racist bastard!

Sam: Okay. Sorry. I swear I’m not a racist, okay?

Kenan: Well, then, go first.

Sam: Alright. Fine. I’m gonna go first.

[Sam walks to the ATM machine and takes some cash out.]

Kenan: Yo man, ain’t you gonna count it? Make sure it’s right?

Sam: Yeah, it’s all here.

Kenan: Great. Well, then, give it to me. Give me the money.

[Kenan puts his hand inside his sweatshirt. It looks like he has a gun. Sam puts his both hands up.]

Sam: Hey, man. Um…

Kenan: [laughing] Ah! I was just kidding, man. Look how scared you were, man. You see that, right?

Sam: Yeah. You got me. Wow.

Kenan: We gotta stop that. Have a good night man.

Sam: Okay, man.

[Kenan walks to the ATM machine]

Hey man, I’m sorry again. Thank you for– I’m not a racist.

Kenan: No sweating, man. But hey, maybe next time, don’t freak out just because a black man wants to use the ATM machine.

Sam: Alright, fair enough. Sorry about that. Sorry, man.

[Sam walks out. There are a bunch of black young guys walking in.]

Chris: Yo, hold that door, man.

[Now Kenan is scared]

Kenan: Oh my good lord. Please don’t.

[Chris and his group walk in]

Chris: Hey, yo, what’s up, man? How you feel? What’s good, bitch? You’re using machine or what?

Kenan: Um, you know, you guys can just go ahead.

Chris: Oh, no. No. I wanna go second. I’m mad patient.

Kenan: The thing is I might have grabbed the wrong card.

Chris: Try it, dog. I’m feeling lucky, for you. Go ahead. Yeah. Be brave.

[Kenan walks to the machine. He slips a little.]

Ay! Watch yourself, big man.

[Kenan’s hand is shaking while putting his card into the ATM machine]

Hurry up, bitch! Come on. What? You nervous a black man walk in here, just wanna use ATM?

Kenan: No, my brother.

Chris: What’s taking you so long, dog?

Kenan: I told you it doesn’t seem to be working.

Chris: You try it again, dog. Come on. Breathe, man. Are you crying?

Kenan: No.

[The boys are laughing]

Chris: [yelling] Everybody stop laughing. I’m tired of waiting on you, dog.

Kenan: I wanna go home.

Chris: Suck it up, man!

[Kenan is crying]

[Cut to  Sam getting in his car.]

Kate: Can we get out of here? Coz I saw some sketchy looking guys earlier.

Sam: What do you mean sketchy?

Kate: You know, they were–

Sam: Black? You know, honey, you can’t just judge people by the way they look, you know. I mean, for all you know, they are hard working honest people just like us.

[Behind Sam, we can see that Chris and his friends are beating Kenan up.]

Kate: God, you’re right.

[Cut to Kenan getting beat up]

Kenan: Why don’t you just swipe the card? I wanna help you guys.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah.

[Cut to Kate and Sam]

Sam: You know, you look really beautiful.

[Sam leans forward to kiss]

Kate: Whoa! No kissing.

Sam: Oh, that’s right. Because you’re a prostitute.

Kate: Yeah, that’s the rule.

[Cut to Kenan getting beat up]

[The End]

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson… Alex Moffat

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Inside The NBA intro]

[Cut to the show set]

Ernie: Hey, welcome back to Inside The NBA. I’m Ernie Johnson. That’s Kenny the Jet Smith and Charles Barkley.

Charles: Hey, there.

Kenny: What’s up?

Ernie: And on my right is Shaquille O’Neal.

Shaq: Happy holidays and Merry Christmas. Very merry. If you’re Jewish, happy home manukkah.

Ernie: Thank you, Shaq. Um, we also want to welcome back Charles who spent the past few days in his home state of Alabama campaign for Doug Jones. I’m sure you’re happy, Charles.

Charles: Oh, man, I am, Ernie. First of all, I’m happy for Alabama. I’m happy for the country. And I’d be personally happy if I hadn’t bet $100,000 on Roy Moore.

Kenny: Wait, you bet on Roy Moore?

Charles: I couldn’t help it, man. I thought he was a lock. I’m from Alabama. That’s not the most progressive place. I mean a lot of folks down there think that Ellen DeGeneres is going through a phase. I mean, Roy Moore rode a horse to the polls.

Shaq: Hah! Ay, Shaq can’t ride no horse. Feet don’t touch the ground. But you can’t be the dead horse because dead horse tell no tales. Coz they’re horses. We lost their tails.

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, you gotta get it together, man. I think you’re the only basketball player whose brain has aged like a football player. Let’s just say congratulations to Doug Jones.

Kenny: It’s amazing that the underdog won.

Shaq: Yeah. Well, let me say something. Every dog has it’s day. But it was night time. No time for dogs. Dogs are asleep, so it’s cat time. Cats come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Shaq a freak!

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, what the hell are you saying, man? We talking about the senate election.

Shaq: Ho-ho. Hey, I love the send-it (senate). I write an email, hit the send button, boom. Send it (senate).

Charles: Oh, damn, Shaq. It’s like a whole bunch of words got jumbled up in your brain and a fire marshall said, “Everybody out!”

Shaq: Hey, you shut your mouth, Charles. Don’t make me come over there and do something Shaq for you ass. Ya-ha-haa.

Ernie: Okie, dokie. Um, let’s just move on to tonight’s games. First up, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavs are taking on the LA Lakers.

Kenny: Expect a big game from LeBron having another NVP. He’s just on an entirely different playing field this season.

Shaq: No, no, no. No. That’s ridiculous Kenny. LeBron is not on his field. He’s on a court, dummy. You dumb. A court is in session. Alright. The honorable Shaq and Shaq don’t crack. Haaa.

Charles: Damn, Shaq. I can hear your tiny brain rattling around your skull like a little bean in a maraca.

Ernie: Oh, alright. Alright. Let’s all try to get along for once?

Shaq: Yeah. That’s right. Coz when you get along, you go along. And when you go along, you tag along. And Shaq loves Tag alongs. Best girls got cookies. Tag alongs. It is the Shaq of cookies. Haaa.

Charles: Shaq, that didn’t make a lick of sense. How do you even do endorsements? Do they just put a pack of ice in your hand and then sprayed peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and dropped over the words later.

Shaq: Okay. That’s it. It’s go time. [Shaq stands, he is very tall] Let’s go, Chuck. Throw me the ball.  [someone throws a basketball to Shaq.] Haa, yeah. Me and you, Charles.

Charles: Okay.

Shaq: Let’s go.

Charles: Come on, man. We are getting too old for this.

Ernie: Guys, guys, we are paid to come to work and talk bout basketball.

Shaq: No. No. No. I’m about to get you barbecued chicken. It’s duckets coz you shaqed in a fool. Let’s go, Chuck.

Charles: Man, look at you. Tall body with little arms. You look like the letter ‘F’ came to life.

Ernie: Okay. Hey, we’ll be right back where maybe, we’ll even talk a little basketball.

Charles: $1,000 says we won’t.

Captain Shadow and the Cardinal

Captain Shadow… Kevin Hart

Cardinal… Chris Redd

Police officers… Alex Moffat, Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of robbers robbing a bank’s vault. They’re wearing clown masks.]

Captain Shadow: Hey, fellas!

[ Suddenly two vigilante superheroes come in and beat up all the robbers]

[Cut to Captain Shadow and Cardinal inside their Shadow mobile. They’re wearing masks, superhero costumes and are driving really fast.]

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, we did it, Captain Shadow.

Captain Shadow: But the Killer Clown is still eluded us once again. Let’s hurry back to the shadow cave and inspect this mysterious clue he left behind.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] That sick bastard will never go away with whatever he’s planning. Thanks to us.

Captain Shadow: Don’t get too cocky, Cardinal. The Killer Clown is still– [police siren] Ah! God dammit! It’s the cops.

[Captain Shadow pulls over.]

Alex: [on speaker] Turn off the engine.

Cardinal: They probably just wanna thank us.

Captain Shadow: Yeah, I bet. Look, just be cool and let me do all the talking, okay?

[Alex walks out of his vehicle and approaches Captain Shadow]

Cardinal: Okay. I won’t say a word.

Alex: Good morning, fellas.

Cardinal: Good morning.

Captain Shadow: Uh, hello officer.

Alex: Nice masks. What are you guys? Coming from a party or something?

Captain Shadow: No, sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] But I guess you can say we busted one up, right Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Shut up, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

Alex: Any idea how fast you were going?

Captain Shadow: Uh, I mean, I’m really not sure. 65? 70 maybe?

Alex: Collect you guys at 140.

Captain Shadow: Oh.

Alex: Yeah. License and registration, please sir.

Captain Shadow: It’s me. It’s Captain Shadow. This is my trustee sidekick Cardinal.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] The dynamite two-some. At your service.

Captain Shadow: Hey Cardinal, will you just shut up?

Alex: Okay. I see you’re rappers or something. I still need to see your ID.

Captain Shadow: No. We’re not rappers. And my identity is a secret. So…

Alex: Ah! A secret?

Captain Shadow: Yeah. I’m a crime fighter.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] You really don’t recognize us?

Alex: [to Cardinal] How old are you?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] 16.

Alex: Is that your son?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] No. But we live together in the cave.

Alex: Okay. Out of the car. Let’s go.

Captain Shadow: [getting out of the car] Cardinal, that’s gonna be your biggest setback. You don’t listen.

Alex: Well, do you need help? Get out.

Captain Shadow: Alright.

Alex: Been drinking today?

Captain Shadow: Uh, no sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never drink.

Captain Shadow: Hey!

Alex: Uh-huh. Pretty sweet ride you got. You got fire coming out of the exhaust. I don’t see a license plate on this thing.

Captain Shadow: Yeah. Well, of course, not. It’s the shadow mobile. Alright? I made this car myself.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Yeah. Coz he’s a genius.

Alex: Ay, was I talking to you?

Cardinal: No. But he is.

Alex: [to Captain Shadow] Okay. Hands on the hood.

Captain Shadow: Okay. I really don’t think–

Alex: Let’s go. Common. [Alex starts searching Captain Shadow’s body] Alright. Do you have anything that will stick me?

Captain Shadow: Probably.

Alex: Any weapons or gun?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never use guns. Coz guns are for cowards. Right, Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Will you shut up, Cardinal?

Cardinal: Sure.

Alex: [looking at Captain Shadow’s belt] What is this?

Captain Shadow: It’s my utility belt.

Alex: Yeah. What’s on it?

Captain Shadow: I don’t know. Smoke bomb, gadgets, it’s a lot of–

Alex: Uh-huh.

[Alex takes the belt off of Captain Shadow]

Captain Shadow: This isn’t really necessary. Just call commissioner Morgan. He knows who I am.

Alex: Yeah. teneightyfive, I’m gonna need a car.

Captain Shadow: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Any time a black man wants to do something good for his community, we gotta go through something like this. Every time.

[Alex shows a small packet of cocaine]

Alex: What’s this?

Captain Shadow: What’s what?

Alex: This bag. What’s in it?

Captain Shadow: That’s um– That’s dust. That’s energy dust.

Alex: Oh yeah? Looks little bit like cocaine.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh please!

Captain Shadow: What? It’s not cocaine. It’s like cocaine but it’s different. It’s–

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] He just needs it for energy and courage.

Captain Shadow: Shut your trap.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, what seems to be the problem here? Hey, Captain Shadow? What’s going on, my brother? [takes the packet] What’s this right here? [tastes it] Oh, that’s cocaine.

Captain Shadow: Well, it’s not mine. It’s not mine.

Alex: You said it was your energy dust.

Captain Shadow: Did I say that? But it’s not mine. I probably confiscated it and just forgot about it. Left it in the belt after taking it.

Kenan: Alright, let’s go ahead and get you in some cuffs, buddy.

Captain Shadow: No. We don’t need those.

Kenan: Thank you very much.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, no! Captain Shadow. What should I do?

Captain Shadow: Call my lady. Tell her they got me again, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

[Cardinal runs in the streets wearing his superhero costume.]

[Cut to the newspaper with front page article ‘Capt Bust for the Dust.]

Za

Heidi Gardner

Mr. Reynolds… Pete Davidson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

James Franco

Delivery boy… Chris Redd

[Starts with Heidi asking questions to Mr. Reynolds in the court]

Heidi: Would you remind the jury again of the make and model of your car?

Mr. Reynolds: Um, yes. I drive a 93, Toyota Corolla.

Heidi: Which witnesses say was never at the scene of the crime. Thank you. No further questions you honor.

Judge: Alright. Very well.

James: Your honor, the prosecution would like to cross examine the witness.

Judge: Well, the floor is your’s, counselor.

James: Mr. Reynolds, would you please remind me one more time about your whereabouts on the night in question.

Mr. Reynolds: Sure. Like I already said, I was at Venny’s having two slices of Za.

James: Ah! That’s what I thought you said. Well, I find that really interesting because I happen to have a menu from Venny’s pizza pizzaria right here. Let’s see if we can find ourselves a couple of slices of Za. [James looks at the menu he has brought] Cheese pizza. Pepperoni pizza. Ham and pineapple pizza. And that’s all she wrote, your honor. I rest my case.

Judge: Counselors, approach the bench.

[Heidi and James walk to Judge]

What the hell is going on?

James: I caught him in a lie. He said he was having Za. But there was no la-ZA-nia (lasagna) on the menu.

Judge: Excuse me?

James: He said he was having Za. But the menu I just read had no la-ZA-nia on it.

Heidi: You now Za is slang for pizza, right?

James: False. It’s lasagna.

Heidi: Your honor. Clearly, my colleague is confused.

James: You don’t make nicknames based on how things are spelled. You make them on how they sound.

Heidi: Even if that was the case, it doesn’t apply here.

James: Your honor, may I elaborate?

Judge: I’ll allow it. But I hope you’re going somewhere with this, counselor. For your sake.

James: It’s la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. See? la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Sa, pizza. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. la-Za-nia. Za. Pizza. Sa. Mr. Williams, what were you eating?

Heidi: I object.

Judge: Overruled. Mr. Williams. Please answer the question.

Mr. Reynolds: Za.

James: Ah! When the young man says he was having Za, he is speaking of lasagna.

Heidi: This is preposterous.

James: It’s not preposterous. [James pulls out a huge board where he has explained the pronunciation of lasagna and pizza.] Look! It’s pizza. Suh. Lasagna. Za. Lasagna. Pizza. Suh.  Lasagna. Za. Za. That’s in lasagna. Not pizza. Because that would be “Suh.” Pizza.

Judge: Counselor, you are playing a dangerous game.

James: [yelling] Your honor, two girls are dead. [throws the board away aggressively] And I’ve pinned killer. This young man, Mr. Za, lasagna, za-nia, za, za, za. Pizza. Suh. Suh, your honor.

Heidi: Your honor. It is pizza, suh. And it is lasagna, za-nia, za. But that has nothing to do with this case.

[a pizza delivery guy enters the court]

Delivery boy: Excuse me. Excuse me. I got a large ‘Suh’ here for Mr. Williams. That’s one large ‘Suh!’

Mr. Reynolds: Oh, right here, dude.

[the crowd goes “Ahh!”]

James: There it is!

Mr. Reynolds: Alright. I admit it. I ordered the ‘Suh’.

James: I knew it. Lasagna, za. Your honor, I re-rest my case.

Judge: Well, in light of these developments, I have found the defendant guilty.

James: And I guess I don’t need this picture of you at the scene of the crime. [James shows a picture of Mr. Reynolds committing the crime]

Heidi: Okay. You had that the whole time?

James: Yeah. I needed some real evidence. I can’t really bank on that Za thing.

Spelling Bee

Emily Steel… Kate McKinnon

Todd Saint Lucian… Alex Moffat

Kevin Black… James Franco

Tania… Melissa Villaseñor

Johnathan… Luke Null

Kinson… Chris Redd

David… Pete Davidson

Emily: You’re listening to 91.7, Iowa city radio. We’re here broadcasting live from the Hancher Auditorium for the 2017 Iowa city all district spelling bee. I’m your host Emily Steel.

Todd: And I am still you color commentator, Todd Saint Lucian.

Emily: Todd, what do you make of the bee so far?

Todd: Emily, let me tell ya’, some of the words these kids have been spelling are absolutely magnificent.

Emily: Ooh! Ha-ha. Nice word, Todd.

Todd: Thanks. Just don’t ask me to spell it. [laughing]

Emily: Seriously? Alright. Well, the second round is just about to start. So, why don’t we join the action?

[Cut to the spelling contest]

Kevin: Congratulations to all of you for making it this far. My name is Kevin Black. And I’ll be moderating this round. Well, the first contestant, please step forward.

[Tania walks to the mic]

Emily: And first to the mic is 8th grader, Tania Clark. She breeze through round one. Let’s see how she does the second time around.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Berate.’

Tania: Could you use it in a sentence?

Kevin: Berate. I’m dead inside because my stepfather used to berate me with insults and emasculate me with feminine nicknames. Berate.

Tania: Could I get the definition please?

Kevin: Berate. To use insults in feminine nicknames such as ‘stupid Suzie tampon princess’ to emasculate your stepson and make him dead inside. Berate.

Tania: Um, okay. Berate. B-E-R-A-T-E. Berate.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: Congratulations. That is correct.

[Cut to Emily and Todd]

Emily: Well, that was insane.

Todd: I know. Six letters. That’s a lot.

Emily: Do you know how to spell, Todd?

Todd: Ha-ha-ha. Let’s get back to the action.

[Cut to the spelling contest. Johnathan is on the mic.]

Todd: 14 year old, Johnathan Winslow.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Chagrin.’

Johnathan: Could you use it in a sentence please?

Kevin: Chagrin. My step father, Kevin, told the entire lacrosse team that I hadn’t yet developed pubic hair much to my Chagrin.

Johnathan: Could I get a definition, please?

Kevin: Chagrin. The feeling of shame that results from your stepfather, Kevin, telling the entire lacrosse team that you’re ‘Like a baby seal down there.’

Johnathan: Um, okay. Chagrin. C-H-A-G-R-I-N. Chagrin.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: That is correct.

[Cut to Emily and Todd]

Todd: Well, Emily, we’re two words into round two. Any thoughts so far?

Emily: Well, Todd, so far it’s been depraved.

Todd: Ha-ha-ha. Sounds more like a round three word.

[Cut to the spelling contest. Kinson is on the mic.]

Uh, next stop is Kinson Clare. Let’s see what word he gets.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Urophiliac.’

Emily: Okay. So that’s a word for people who like getting peed on. So, um– [referee walks to Kevin and whispers on his ears] Yeah. Okay. Looks like the ref is getting involved.

[referee takes his flashcard away]

Kevin: Sorry for the delay. Apparently ‘Urophiliac’ is inappropriate word for Spelling Bee. But they’ve given me a replacement word instead. Your new word is ‘Adolescent.’

Kinson: Could you use it in a sentence?

Kevin: Adolescent. I used to be an adolescent. Now, as an adult, I’m a urophiliac. I derive sexual pleasure from being treated like a toilet. Adolescent.

Kinson: Can I get the definition please?

Kevin: Adolescent. What I was before I became an adult urophiliac. Meaning, I derive erotic pleasure from being treated like a toilet. Adolescent.

Kinson: Damn, man! Um, okay. Adolescent. A-D-O-L-E-S-C-E-N-T. Adolescent.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: Congratulations. You have spelled it correctly.

Kinson: You need help.

[Kinson walks out and David walks in]

Todd: And last stop is David Roberts.

David: Um, hey, man. Could I get like, a normal word?

Kevin: I’m just reading the cards.

David: Okay. Whatever, man.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Little Pig Boy.’

David: Oh. Could you use it in a sentence?

Kevin: Little pig boy. Mistress hates her little pig boy. I am her dirty little big boy. Please stand on me with your boots on. Little pig boy.

David: Could I get the definiton?

Kevin: Little pig boy. He’s that pathetic dirty bitch baby mistress gets to stand on. Little pig boy.

David: Um, country of origin?

Kevin: Little pig boy comes from the dirt. He’s a weasely little mud grub who needs to be stood on. Little pig boy.

David: Okay. Guess I’ll give it a shot. Um, little pig boy. L-I-T-T-L-E P-I-G B-O-Y. Little pig boy.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: That is correct.

[Cut to Emily and Todd. Emily looks shocked. Todd seems to have no idea.]

Todd: Well, that’s it for round two. Emily, how do you think it went?

Emily: Bad.

Todd: Well, at least the kids had fun.

Emily: They did not.

Todd: Okay. We’ll be right back.

Scrudge

Scrudge… Beck Bennett

Michael… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Derek… Chris Redd

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

James Franco

[Starts with Scrudge reading a book in a dark room. He looks like a scary man in horror movies.]

[door knocking]

Scrudge: Hey, go away! [door knocking] [Scrudge walks to the door and opens it. It’s Michael.]

Michael: Hey, man. Sorry to bother you. Um, we’re about to head over to this Christmas party.

Scrudge: [interrupting] Cool. Bye!

[Scrudge shuts the door]

Michael: [speaking from outside the door] I was just thinking if you don’t have any plans, you’re more than welcome to come. We don’t get to kick it that much anymore. It can be fun, you know?

Scrudge: Fine!

[Cut to Kevin and Derek all ready for the party. Michael walks in.]

Kevin: [to Michael] You ready?

Michael: Um, just a few more minutes. I think my roommate is coming with us.

Kevin: What?

Derek: Seriously? You invited Scrudge?

Michael: Come on. It’s Christmas. The guy doesn’t have any friends.

Derek: Yeah, because he’s a nightmare, man!

[Scrudge walks in wearing nice clothes and a hat.]

Scrudge: Wad up, players? Kevin, Derek, still really boring? Cool. Let’s get faded.

[Cut to the party. Anna opens the door.]

Michael: Hey! We come bearing gifts.

Scrudge: Anna, your place looks so inexpensive.

Anna: Thanks.

Scrudge: Oh! And ugly Christmas sweater. So brave of you to do something so played out.

[Scrudge is opening a bottle of liquor. He looks at a girl. The girl is waving at him.]

Oh, no! Katy’s here. We hooked up like, once. And now she won’t stop texting me. It’s like, “Hey.” “Hi.” “What are you doing?” “You know what I’m doing. I see you watching my Insta stories.” Argh! Another reason to get blacked out.

Michael: Just try not to be dick to everyone tonight, please?

Scrudge: Duh! Bumble Dog.

[Scrudge walks to the TV set]

Hey, Heather. Dope DVD collection. I can’t believe there are other Wes Anderson fans out there. [showing a DVD of the movie Life Aquatic.] Let me guess, you like the soundtracks too? Coz you and your friends suck?

[Scrudge is walking to the bathroom. Three men walk out of the bathroom.]

Oh, I see what’s going on here. [stops Mikey] Mind if I sneak like, just a little tini tiny key bump?

Mikey: Um, yeah. We don’t have much left coz–

[Mikey gives Scrudge a tiny packet of cocaine. Scrudge just takes it and goes inside the bathroom. Mikey is waiting for him to get out and give him his packet back. But Scrudge comes out and just walks by.]

Hey, dude! Can I get that bag back?

Scrudge: Dude, what? I gave it back to you.

Mikey: No, you didn’t.

Scrudge: Yeah, dude. I literally, like, just gave it back to you. Are you like, high dude?

[Scrudge walks away]

Mikey: What?

[Cut to the rooftop. James is smoking a cigarette. Scrudge walks to him.]

Scrudge: Hey, can I bum a cigarette?

[James looks at his packet]

James: I got one left.

[Scrudge takes that cigarette]

Scrudge: Oh, that’s all I need.

James: Hey, Scrudge, yo’re kind of an asshole.

Scrudge: Wow, everybody has been dying to know what the sad lonely roof guy thinks. And I get to hear it first? #winning #Tygablood. Ha-ha-ha. Fuck you, loser!

James: Why don’t you take a look downstairs. You might not be as cool as you think.

[Scrudge looks down to the party. He sees people making fun of him.]

Mikey: I’m Scrudge. I make everyone feel uncomfortable.

Anna: Is he like a thousand years old?

Kevin: [to Michael] You would know this, does he own a toothbrush?

Michael: He’s just my roommate. He’s not really my friend. I don’t even know how much longer I want to live with him.

Scrudge: [to himself in the rooftop] Michael?

James: [to Scrudge] It’s not too late, Scrudge.

Scrudge: [singing] What have I become?

[Scrudge looks at James. James gets wings and he flies away.]

[Scrudge walks back to the party]

Everybody, please listen. I have something to say. [everybody look at him.] I’m sorry. I’ve been awful to each and everyone of you. But tonight, thanks to you, I’ve realized that the true meaning of Christmas is to spend time with those you love. Which is why, I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry.

[Michael tries to stop Scrudge. But as Scrudge turns around, he is showing his butt off his pants to everyone.]

Truly, really sorry everyone.