Tag: Chris Redd

The Race

Ian… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffatt

Chris Redd

Kevins… Kyle Mooney

Lindsay… Saoirse Ronan

Mrs. Routs…Saoirse Ronan

[Starts with Ian running somewhere in the office. He’s wearing a black suit. He crosses the hallway, passes many staffs and reaches to Alex and Chris. Alex is looking at the timer.]

Alex: Eight seconds flat.

Chris: Even better than last week.

Ian: Wow. I didn’t think I could get any faster.

[Kevins walks in]

Oh, I see you finally made it to work, Kevins. What happened? Did you walk here?

[everyone laughing]

Kevins: [sarcastically] Really funny, Ian.

[Kevins takes his seat. Lindsay is looking at him. She sits just at the next desk.]

Lindsay: Hey, you okay?

Kevins: Yeah. I’m fine.

[Mrs. Routs walks in]

Mrs. Routs: Good morning, everyone.

All: Good morning, Mrs. Routs.

Mrs. Routs: As you all know, it’s a big week for us. So I printed out some copies of– Oh, no! I left them down the hall.

[Ian suddenly starts running, comes back with the prints and gives them to Mrs. Routs.]

Wow! Okay, well, everyone take a good look at these and keep it up, Ian. That was fast.

Ian: Thank you, Mrs. Routs.

[Cut to Kevins and Lindsay]

Kevins: I hate him.

Lindsay: So he’s fast, big deal.

Kevins: You don’t get it. When you can run like that, you’ve got it all. Money, all of those.

Lindsay: Why don’t you race him?

Kevins: I haven’t run for years.

Lindsay: You used to run around the office all the time.

[Cut to video clip of Kevins running around the office and everybody clapping for him]

[Cut back to Kevins and Lindsay]

Kevins: Yeah. But then this happened.

[Kevins shows Lindsay a hole on his pants.]

Lindsay: So you made it complete fool out of yourself once. Who’s to say you can’t run fast again?

Kevins: And risk getting another hole in my pants? I’d rather [bleep] kill myself.

[Mrs. Routs walks in]

Mrs. Routs: And one more thing, I’m gonna need someone to run down the hall and pick up the signed documents tomorrow.

[Lindsay stands]

Lindsay: Kevins will do it.

Ian: What?

[Others are laughing]

Kevins: [whispering] What the hell are you doing?

Mrs. Routs: Kevins? Huh, well, I’ll let you guys decide.

[Ian, Alex and Chris walk to Kevins]

Ian: Well, well, well. What have you gotten yourself into, Kevins? Why don’t you leave it to somebody who isn’t slow?

[Alex and Chris are laughing]

Kevins: Okay, Ian, you wanna get the signed documents? Why don’t we race for it? Winner gets the signed documents.

Ian: Alright, Kevins, after hours, reception, be there. That is if you’re not too busy being slow.

[Ian, Alex and Chris jog away.]

Kevins: What have I gotten myself into?

Lindsay: Listen, I’ll train you.

Kevins: What?

Lindsay: I used to run fast too. Well, before this happened.

[Lindsay shows Kevins two holes on her pants.]

Kevins: Oh!

Lindsay: I understand if you don’t want my help.

[Lindsay turns and walks away]

Kevins: Wait, Lindsay. Or should I say, coach?

[Cut to Kevins walking. It looks like he’s trying to run. Lindsay is looking at him looking at the timer.]

Lindsay: Faster. I think my work here is done.

[Cut to Ian and Kevins getting ready to race. Lindsay had a gun in her hand.]

Kevins: Good luck.

[Ian spits on Kevins’s face.]

Lindsay: Ready?

[Lindsay shoots the gun upwards and Ian and Kevins begin running. All the staffs are looking and cheering for the race. Kevins wins the race. As everybody are cheering for him, Kevins looks at Lindsay and waves. Lindsay disappears.]

Random creature: She was a ghost.

[Cut to everybody in the office. Mrs. Routs walks in.]

Mrs. Routs: Alright everybody, let’s jump right in. As you all know, Lindsay turned out to be a ghost, that’s neither here or–

Ian: [interrupting] There’s something I need to tell you. Kevins is gonna pick up the signed documents from own the hall. He’s the fastest man for the job.

Mrs. Routs: Oh, no need. I came in a little early and I got them myself.

Ian: Okay.

Kevins: Cool.

Ian: No problem.

Mrs. Routs: I don’t know exactly what we do here, but let’s get to work.

Return Counter

Mikey Day

Luke Null

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Saoirse Ronan

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with some people in line at a mart’s return/exchange counter]

Mikey: Sir, I’m sorry, but we cannot accept any returns or exchanges without a receipt. Our store policy, man.

Luke: Man, that’s such a bull-crap. I’m sopping at Walmart from now on. That’s a better mart.

[Luke walks out]

Mikey: Okay, sir. You’re free to do that. Next in line, return or exchange?

Kyle: I’d like to return these [in loud voice] magnum condoms. Guys like me need bigger condoms. Do you see a bigger size?

Mikey: I don’t think so, man.

Kyle: [in loud voice] Dang, so the biggest condoms you sell are too small for me? I guess I’ll just have to go online to a bot guy website and see if I can find some there.

[Kyle walks out]

Mikey: Okay. Good luck with that. Next.

[Kenan walks front]

Kenan: Well, I hope that you have had a good life. You people have sold me a woman’s hand muff. Now that you’ve had your fun, kindly point me towards the men’s muff section please.

Mikey: Yeah, I don’t think we have those, sir.

Kenan: Oh, so you’re all sold out? Perfect!

[Kenan walks out]

Mikey: Hello.

[Leslie storms in]

Leslie: These diapers leak. Not to mention, my baby looks ridiculous in them.

Mikey: Um, these are adult diapers, ma’am.

Leslie: Man, what the kind of hell of an adult be dooking in his pants?

Mikey: I think when some people get older, it just happens. Either way, I’ll give you store credit, okay ma’am?

[Mikey hands Leslie over a paper. Leslie takes is angrily.]

Next please.

[Saoirse and Chris walk in]

Saoirse: Hi. I bought my boyfriend this men’s cologne because I thought he was a man. But he’s actually a bitch on the rags, so I’d like to exchange it for these tampons.

Mikey: Alright.

Chris: Babe, why are you doing this?

Saoirse: Because the man protects his woman.

Chris: Babe, a drunk guy spilled a drink on your shoe, I’m not gonna kick his ass for that.

Saoirse: Right, yeah. Because you’re a little girl who needs her tampons.

Mikey: [passing the tampons] Okay, you guys are all set.

Saoirse: Great, thanks. [to Chris] I’m leaving. Don’t follow me. [Saoirse walks away while Chris just looks around] [yelling] Are you coming?

Chris: Yes! I don’t know what to do, man!

[Saoirse and Chris leave]

Mikey: Next, ma’am. Hello.

[Aidy walks in. He has a parrot on her shoulder and it has pooped all over her shoulder.]

Aidy: Hello. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say that the brand of bird seed doesn’t agree with my parrot’s stomach.

Mikey: Yeah. I can see that. I can give you store credit.

Aidy: Okay. Wonderful. And can you just point me in the direction of women’s shirts, carpet cleaner and I guess, unfortunately, mouth wash.

Mikey: Oh, they’re all out in the store, ma’am. Thank you. Next.

[Aidy walks out. Cecily walks in taking a selfie video.]

Cecily: Okay, Facebook live.

Mikey: No, don’t.

Cecily: Get ready to watch a customer begging out her right.

Mikey: Ma’am. Stop doing–

Cecily: What? What? Can I talk?

Mikey: Can you just stop?

Cecily: Can I talk? Oh, can I talk?

Mikey: You come in here a lot.

Cecily: Coz y’all told me to test it, right? Watch, does this say goodbye to stains?

[Cecily opens a pan and tries to cover her shirt stain writing on it]

Look, stain. I’m stain. It ain’t doing nothing. Stain.

Mikey: You can’t rub it on mustard.

Cecily: And y’all trynna’ charge me $100?

Mikey: No, it didn’t cost $100.

Cecily: Oh, he calling me a liar. Facebook live. Say it again. It’s on Facebook live.

Mikey: No, I’m not calling you a liar.

Cecily: You know what? That’s racial discrimination. Find this man.

Mikey: Racial? You’re white!

Cecily: You don’t know that. Find this man! You going viral! You going– He going– You going viral!

[Cecily leaves]

Mikey: Okay. I’m not going viral. Next.

[Pete and Heidi walk in. Heidi has pregnant belly.]

Pete: Yo! These pregnancy test don’t work, man!

Mikey: Okay. Did you read the instructions?

Pete: Dude, yes. I’m not stupid. I read the instructions. I took it out, I peed on it, I waited 15 minutes and nothing happened.

Mikey: Oh wait, dude, you peed on it? No, she got to pee on it, man.

Heidi: I freaking told you, you freaking idiot! Now we’ll never know.

[Pete and Heidi storm out]

Mikey: [looking at Heidi’s belly.] Yeah. She’s pregnant, man. Um, you’re next.

[Cut to Kate at the doorway. She is an old lady on automated wheelchair.]

Kate: These jeans are too baggy. I look like an urban in them.

Mikey: Alright, can you just come up a little closer?

Kate: You’re the boss.

[Kate moves forward on her wheelchair and hits Mikey’s counter. Wheelchair’s airbag is triggered.]

Mikey: You did it again.

[Cecily walks in again taking selfie video]

Cecily: Oh, watch! Watch! Facebook live, he just killed that old lady. Y’all can see that? You’re going viral!

Mikey: No, I didn’t.

Cecily: He’s going viral.

Mikey: She’s not dead.

New Student

Mr. Nicetro… Kenan Thompson

Broady… Luke Null

Jacquelin… Saoirse Ronan

Aaron… Mikey Day

Randy… Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

William… Chris Redd

Janitor… Alex Moffat

Linch… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mr. Nicetro speaking to the students]

Mr. Nicetro: Okay, class, before we dive into the unit review, I have cue the growns, rule breaks for midterm exam.

Students: Aw!

Mr. Nicetro: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Get it out now. Alright, first–

[New guy walks in]

New guy: Mr. C. Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my alarm clock. [throws his back pack to his classmate] Hold my back pack. [walks to Jacquelin] Mr. C, Kelly’s a thief. She stole my breath away.

Jacquelin: Go away.

New guy: Ha-ha. Ouch, that hurt my feelings. But you can make it up to me by taking me to the movie on Friday.

Jacquelin: No, for real. Just get out of my space.

New guy: Alright, cool. Turning me down. Must be lesbian.

[New guy lights up a cigarette] Hold this. [passes the cigarette to Brad] Oh, my god! Brad, is that a cigarette? [takes a puff] It is! It is a cigarette. Shame on you, Brad. I’ll take care of this, Mr. C. He’s a jerk.

[New guy looks at Randy] Oh, Finkle Stein. Let me have your yamaka-dot-kamaka. Mr. C, don’t give me any homework this week. It’s Rashishanika. Salam. [

New guy runs to Pete] Nerd-le-Stein. Nerd-le-dean. [grabs Pete’s lunch bag] Oh, what do we got here? A little bit of egg salad. Very good. I’ll do you a favor and throw that into trach.

[New guy reaches to William] Yo, yo, yo. What’s going on, my dude? What’s good? Oh, nice kicks! Damn, Jina!

[Janitor walks in]

Janitor: Bad time to get the trash?

New guy: Oh, it’s the Janitor. Question, is the first thing your wife says when you get home? You smell? Or you smell terrible? I’m kidding with ya. Now, Mr. C, enough foreplay. What do you say, we learn a little English lit?

[New guy takes his seat. He puts his feet on the table.]

[Mr. Nicetro walks to New guy]

Mr. Nicetro: Shut up and get your feet out of the table.

New guy: Yes, sir.

Mr. Nicetro: Young man, in my 38 years as an educator, I have never seen anything as misguided and brazen as your behavior these last three minutes. Specially seeing as you are new here. And it is your first day at this school. None of us have ever met you. My name by the way is Mr. Nicetro. Not Mr. C. And the names you called them aren’t them either. Furthermore, this is an algebra 2 class, not English lit.

New guy: Oh, I’m sorry I had– I just wanted to make a splash.

Mr. Nicetro: Well, it was a belly flop. I think you owe everybody here an apology starting with the young lady you drooled over like a pig.

New guy: I’m sorry, Kelly.

Jacquelin: My name’s Jacquelin. And you’re right, I am a lesbian. It was really hard for me to come out. But you know, thinking about dating a guy like you makes me really glad I did.

William: My name is William, man! Not Lil D. Man, you said, “Yo, yo, yo,” I’m like, “Is this guy racist?” And then by “Damn Jina,” I was like, “Yeah.”

New guy: I’m sorry again. I just wanted to make the splash.

Aaron: Cool man. Hey, my name is Aaron. You called me Brad. I’m allergic to smokes. So I had to stick epipen into my leg after our interaction. So, thank you for that.

New guy: Oh, really. Dang!

Randy: For future reference, my name is Randy Goodman. Not Finkle Stein. And it’s Yamaka, not yamaka-dot-kamaka.

New guy: I was just trying to make everyone laugh. Also, I’m really sorry for whoever’s lunch I threw in the trash.

Pete: Oh, no worries, man. It’s not like I have a stomach issue and everything in that lunch was carefully picked out by a dietician. Killer joke!

Janitor: And that leaves me. I’m sorry your work isn’t up to your standards. And if you wanna let my wife know how bad I smell, she’s easy– She’s easy to find. Plot 199-J at New Haven cemetary.

[Janitor walks out staring at New guy]

Mr. Nicetro: Well, young man, today was not your day. But, perhaps, you’ll be able to move pass this socially. Now, what is your name?

New guy: Broady Cho.

[Jacquelin starts laughing]

Mr. Nicetro: Nope! Never mind. You’re doomed!

[Linch walks in. He is wearing a leather jacket.]

Linch: Oh, you’re starting without me?

Mr. Nicetro: Oh, Mr. Linch. How nice for you to join us.

Linch: Yeah, I’m sorry Mr. Nicetrum. You know, I lost track of time when I was writing in my diary about how much I love this class.

[Everybody cheers]

Mr. Nicetro: B! See Mr. Cho, that’s how it’s done. Come on, get in.

Floribama Shore

Kyler… Mikey Day

Trish… Saoirse Ronan

Pontoon… Luke Null

Epcot… Heidi Gardner

Quartney… Aidy Bryant

Justin… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: From the creators of Jersey Shore, MTV’s hot new show “Floribama Shore” brings the party to the Gold Coast. The co-eds are hot, the parties are jumping and it was all filmed in the middle of Hurricane Irma.

[Cut to Kyler.]

Kyler narrating: Sup? My name’s Kyler and I’m a piece of [bleep].

[Cut to Trish]

Trish narrating: My mama didn’t raise me to be afraid of no storm. She raised me to be a fearless Christian sex addict with gum diseases that you ain’t even heard of, player!

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: Sup, y’all? My name’s Pontoon. And I used to carry around my dad’s ashes until I let go of him on a roller coaster. Oh-Wa-ah-ah-ah!

[Cut to Epcot]

Epcot narrating: My name’s Epcot. I was born in the Chinese part of Epcot center. My favorite food is gum.

[Cut to Quartney]

Quartney narrating: What’s up, weiners? My name’s Quartney with a Quart. I’mma freaking the sheets in the Benghazi. Truth are in the streets.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin narrating: Wait a minute, there’s a hurricane coming? We need to go, y’all!

[Cut to clips of people partying]

Male voice: A party’s brewing down south y’all. And there’s a 90% chance of drama.

[Cut to everyone chilling. Quartney walks in with cocktails.]

Quartney: Hurricanes for the hurricane, y’all!

[Cut to Epcot]

Epcot narrating: Hurricanes? Her a bitch!

[Cut to Epcot trashing Quartney’s cocktails]

Epcot: You’ve been getting on my damn nerves ever since we got to this house.

Quartney: You can’t talk to me like that!

Epcot: Oh, what are you going to do about it? Cry to you daddy?

Quartney: You don’t know my daddy.

Epcot: You don’t know… my daddy!

Epcot and Quartney: My daddy’s Hulk Hogan!

[Epcot and Quartney look at each other being emotional for some time, and then hug each other crying.]

[Cut to Epcot and Quartney]

Quartney narrating: Hogan sisters reunited.

Epcot narrating: Have you ever met him?

Quartney narrating: No, I want to, though.

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: At this point, seems like everybody in the house is coupled up. Trish is with Kyler. Epcot is with Kyler. And Quartney, I believe, is with Kyler. Justin’s freaking out coz his wife’s not answering the phone.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin narrating: Sharon, call me.

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: But I’m not worried, y’all, because Trish said that she’d bang me… after Kyler.

[Cut to everyone praying at the table]

Male voice: Despite everything, this house is all about the love.

Trish: Guys, I think staying in here through the hurricane was the best decision we ever made.

Quartney: Yeah! Otherwise, I would have never met my long lost sister.

Pontoon: We’re falling in love. Y’all, this hurricane has taught me something important. When you find someone you love, never let em go. Trish, will you marry me?

[a ‘STOP’ sign board flies in breaking window and cuts Pontoon through his stomach. Everyone is panicking.]

Male voice: “Floribama Shore,” why do you make us do this?

Wayne Thanksgiving

Bruce… Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Chance the Rapper

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a clip of Wayne Manor in Gotham City in Thanksgiving eve’]

[Cut to the thanksgiving party inside Wayne Manor]

Kate: Bruce, the mayor once again thanks you for your generosity. Your annual Wayne Manor holiday food drive has become an important tradition for our inner city in these hard times.

Bruce: Please, whatever I can do to give back to the good citizens of Gotham is my pleasure.

Kate: Also, some of the people that you helped this year would just like to personally say thank you if it’s not too much trouble.

Bruce: Oh, of course not. I would love to talk to them.

Kate: Okay, wonderful. Right, this way.

[Leslie and Chance walk in]

Leslie: Thank you so much, Mr. Wayne. The food drive is a godsend. We haven’t gotten this lucky since the Joker hijacked the fresh direct truck and left it open in the projects.

Bruce: Well, the joker is a bad man. And we’re very lucky that Batman has brought him to justice.

Leslie: Either way, me and my son really thank you.

Chance: Can I ask him now, mama?

Leslie: Boy! I am not bothering this nice man. He has done a good thing. Let it go.

Bruce: What is it, son? You can ask your old pal Bruce anything.

Chance: Okay, Bruce, do you know how Batman is always so tough on crime?

Bruce: He sure is, son. And I’ll tell you a little secret. I actually know Batman.

Chance: Okay. Well, can you tell him to cool it down in our neighborhood?

Bruce: Cool it down? What do you mean?

Chance: Somebody’s gotta do something about him. I mean, he broke my best friend’s jaw in two places and all he did was steal a TV. That’s excessive.

[Leslie tries to shut Chance up]

Leslie: Malik!

Bruce: It’s okay, ma’am. Listen, Malik. Stealing is a crime and Batman doesn’t take crime lightly.

Chance: Obviously, coz then he zip lined him to the top of the building and then left him hanging for like, 30 minutes, 30 stories up on a gargoyle by his under wear.

Bruce: Um, well, Batman fights crime wherever he sees it.

Chance: Just seems like he’s in our neighborhood all the time.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Who y’all talking about? Batman?

Leslie and Chance: Yeah.

Kenan: Man, somebody has to do something about him.

Chance: That’s what I’m saying.

Kenan: You know, he broke my jaw in three places just for littering.

Leslie: For real?

Chance: See? I told you.

Kenan: Yeah. He did that back hand thing and like, knocked all my damn teeth out.

Bruce: Alright. Well, there’s a lot of other families that would like to talk to me, now.

Kenan: Then, he picked my ass up in that zip line thing. Sent me flying up like 30 stories on a gargoyle and just left me there hanging by my drawers.

Leslie: Why does he always leave brothers dangling from the gargoyle?

Chance: It’s weird. That’s my whole point.

Bruce: Look, crime happens really fast. I’m sure Batman has to make a lot of split seconds judgment calls.

[Chris walks in]

Chris: Who y’all talking about? Batman?

All: Yeah.

Chris: Somebody got to do something about him, man. Man, my car stalled out in the middle of the road one night and he came out of nowhere and broke all my damn windows. Snatched me out the car and threw me outside of a Best Buy.

Chance: Did your jaw break?

Chris: Oh, for sure. Immediately. It goes without saying. He just leaves me hanging there. I’m like, “Um, hello, am I even under arrest? Am I gonna get charged for something?”

Kenan: You know, he crashed a full plane on my street and then just walked away. I was like, “I guess my mercury bobcat is under here somewhere.”

Bruce: Look, I’m sorry.

Kenan: Sorry?

Chance: Why are you sorry?

Bruce: I’m just empathizing, like, I’m sorry for you.

Leslie: Well, I tell you what, I hope somebody kicks Batman’s ass.

Kenan: Whoo! I would love that. We should all jump him. The whole community. Teach him a lesson.

Chris: Yeah, yeah. Get all the baseball bats we can find and break his jaw for a change.

Chance: Yeah. Leave him hanging by his drawers for a change.

Bruce: I don’t think that’s a good idea, guys.

Chance: You’re right. We should burn his cave down.

All: Yeah!

Bruce: No, not my cave!

Chris: What?

Chance: What?

Bruce: Is what he would say, I’m sure. Look, I’ll talk to Batman for you guys. I’ll tell him to give you all a break. He’s not a bad guy, I swear.

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: What y’all talking about? Batman?

All: Yeah.

Chance: Somebody’s gotta do something about him.

Melissa: Oh, don’t worry about that. My cousin is locked up with the joker right now and they are cooking a perfect plan to get rid of him for good.

Chance: That’s what I’m talking about.

Chris: Whatever I could do to help.

Bruce: Um, so what’s this plan?

Leslie: Don’t worry about it, Mr. Wayne. You’ve done enough for us.

Melissa: Come on, y’all. I’ll tell you all about it. The joker’s gonna cut off Batman’s weiner.

Bruce: Not my weiner! Is what he’s going to say!

Rap History

Lil’ Doo Doo… Pete Davidson

Corey Bonds… Kenan Thompson

Kenneth Moore… Chance the Rapper

Eddie Smith… Chris Redd

[Starts with video clips of hiphop culture in the streets]

Female voice: Hiphop has always been extremely competitive, specially between the generations.

Questlove: You know, you always gotta pay homage to the pioneers that put it down before us because if it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t be here.

Common: It’s a respect thing. I’ve always been as student of hiphop.

Questlove: These new rappers coming out getting deals without even knowing the history of the game. It’s crazy.

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo. He has colorful hair, face tattoos, oversized sun glasses and blings.]

Female voice: Perhaps, there’s no better example of this than budding Soundcloud rapper Lil’ Doo Doo.

Lil’ Doo Doo: [rapping] Doodie gang, Doodie gang, Doodie gang, Doodie gang
wipe my butt with cocaine

Female voice: Who caused controversy recently when he claimed publicly that he’s never heard rap before 2009.

Lil’ Doo Doo: Ah, my influences? Sometimes I listen to old school hiphop, you know. Like, Soulja Boy, Bow Wow, sometimes Nick Cannon. You feel me?

Interview: What do you think about Run DMC?

Lil’ Doo Doo: Um, I think Hillary Clinton should have won.

Female voice: Lil’ Doo Doo’s attitude rubbed many hip hop pioneers the wrong way. Most notedly late 70 rappers, the Soul Crush Crew.

Corey Bonds: Man, all that ink on his face must be sleeping into his brain. Dissing the old school in the Soul Crush Crew.

Kenneth Moore: That child know nothing about hiphop. I don’t even recognize the new junk.

Eddie Smith: Boy, looking like that? He would not have made it back in my day.. where it all started. Let me take you back, 1978, the Bronx, New York.

Corey Bonds: Broken glass. Rats and roaches. Abandoned buildings. We had to dress tough. Not like this clown here.

[Cut to old picture of Soul Crush Crew. They were wearing funky outfit for that time.]

Kenneth Moore: I’m Kool Kenny Blade.

Eddie Smith: Chief Bronco.

Corey Bonds: And I’m DJ Grand Wizard Karate.

Kenneth Moore: And together, we are the Soul Crush Crew.

Corey Bonds: Rough!

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo laughin]

Lil’ Doo Doo: What the [bleep] was that, bro?

Kenneth Moore: We looked good.

Eddie Smith: All leather, everything.

Corey Bonds: Chains, spikes, fingerless gloves.

Kenneth Moore: And absolutely, no underclothes.

Corey Bonds: Fur coat. Pearls. Broaches. Pillbox hat. Tough stuff.

Eddie Smith: See, we was a group. So, we had to match. My thing was Indian head dresses and chaps because I’m Chief Bronco.

Corey Bonds: I always wore karate pants because my beats was kicking.

Kenneth Moore: And I never wore drawers. Swinging.

[Cut to Questlove]

Interviewer: You heard of Soul Crush Crew?

Questlove: Soul Crush Crew? Um..

[Cut to videos of Soul Crush Crew]

Kenneth Moore: Singing about popping pills and sipping lean. Please! These drugs are frying your brain.

Eddie Smith: The only drugs we ever did was reefer with a little bit of crack in it.

Corey Bonds: I bet this chump don’t even have a DJ.

Kenneth Moore: All our raps was clear and concise. And everything made sense.

[music playing]

Eddie Smith: Dibby, dibby, dabba, dabba, dibby
Dibby, dibby, dabba, dabba, dibby

Common: They’re the only rappers that I know that are pro crack.

Kenneth Moore: To the beat y’all, you don’t stop
I like my reefer with crack rock

Corey Bonds: Rough!

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo]

Lil’ Doo Doo: Alright, turn that off! This is ridiculous.

[Corey Bonds, Kenneth Moore and Eddie Smith walk in to confront Lil’ Doo Doo]

Kenneth Moore: What? You’re ridiculous.

Eddie Smith: Your raps are ridiculous.

Corey Bonds: Well, look at this chump. I bet you don’t even got a DJ.

Interviewer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Let’s take five minutes, everyone. [Cut to video bumper. Plays sound of smoking drugs.]

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo, Corey Bonds, Kenneth Moore and Eddie Smith]

Lil’ Doo Doo: Yo, I talked to these dudes. We cool now. You feel me? We smoked some weed.

Eddie Smith: With a little bit of crack in it.

Lil’ Doo Doo: Ha-ha.

Corey Bonds: Rough!

Family Feud- Harvey Family Thanksgiving

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Janelle… Leslie Jones

Mike… Chris Redd

Andre… Michael Che

Ricky Harvey

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Peter… Beck Bennett

Justin… Mikey Day

Cecil… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud, thanks giving edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Okay, now, welcome to a special thanksgiving edition of Family Feud. Now, some folks like white meat. Some folks like dark meat. Let me tell you a secret. Everybody like dark meat. Now, thanksgiving is all about family. So, I got two special ones here today. First, it’s my own. It’s the Harvey family.

[Cut to the Harvey family]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. These people are not only related to me, but they also work in Steve Harvey organization. First, we got my wife, Janelle who handles all my appearances. What else I got to do today, darling?

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Well, after this, you got your daytime show. Then you got your radio show. Then you got your book signing at Red Lobster.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Yeah. You like it when I’m busy. Big daddy getting that money. Ha-ha. Next, we’ve got my brother, Mike, who designs all my suits.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up, Steve? I came up with a new suit color yesterday. It is palorange.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That’s gonna be a number one best seller. Plorange. Ha-ha-ha. I like that. Plorange. Next, we got my nephew Andre who writes jokes for me.

[Cut to Andre]

Andre: That’s right. I came up with the bit on ‘Little Big Shots’ where when a child says something you stare at him for 20 seconds like he’s a ghost.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you mean like this? [Steve Harvey looks at camera] Yeah, I love that bit, man. And finally, we got my cousin Ricky who runs my personal line of mustache conditioning products.

[Cut to Ricky Harvey]

Ricky Harvey: That’s right. It’s called the Greasy Caterpillar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huge seller, man. Make you mustache dark and shiny like a slippery little penguin. And on the other side, we have got the Diedrichson family. [Cut to Diedrichson family. They are white] Now, we not blood related but these folks are like family to me. Carol Diedrichson has been on of my closest friends for over 30 years.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol: Yeah, that’s true. And I brought my wonderful family. You remember my husband Peter?

[cut to Peter]

Peter: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, good to see you, Peter.

Carol: My son, Justin.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin: Hey, Steve.

[cut to Carol]

Carol: And my other son, Cecil.

[Cut to Cecil. He is black. he has mustache like Steve Harvey, he looks like Steve Harvey and he speaks like Steve Harvey.]

Cecil: How you doing, player? [he speaks like Steve Harvey]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, hey there, Cecil. Wow. You sure have grown up since I last saw you.

[Cut to Cecil]

Cecil: Yeah, it has been a minute.

[Cut to Carol looking at Steve Harvey and Cecil]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hm, there’s something about you.

[Cut to Janelle looking furious at Steve Harvey]

Janelle: Yeah, I say so.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just start the game? Give me two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Janelle and Carol walk to the stage. Carol tries to shake her hand with Janelle but Janelle rejects.]

Janelle: No, thank you.

Steve Harvey: What? I thought you all was friends. Women are strange. Okay, 100 people surveyed. Top four answers on the board. Name something that you’re thankful for.

[Carol presses the button]

Carol: My home.

Steve Harvey: Oh, good answer. Good answer. You like your home, huh?

Carol: Oh, yes. We love it in Tempe.

Steve Harvey: Tempe, Arizona? Oh, I love Tempe. I spent some time on tour there about 17, 18 years ago.

Carol: Oh, I remember. It was raining.

Steve Harvey: Huh! Anyway, show me a place to do the nasty!

[right answer bell]

Ay! Number one answer. Alright, do y’all want to pass or play?

Carol: Well, I’m glad to play with you, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, you were always like that.

Carol: Yeah.

[Steve Harvey peeks at Janelle. She is looking at him furiously.]

Alright, come on Diedrichson family. Something that you are thankful for. Peter? [Steve Harvey walks to Dierdrichson family]

Peter: Well, I hope this isn’t selfish, Steve, but I’m thankful for money. Not for me, but to provide for my family. Like, equipment for Justin’s street hockey team. Or buying pocket squares and super shiny shoes for Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you like shiny shoes, huh?

Cecil: Yeah. The shinier the better.

Steve Harvey: I hear you, man. I love me some gators. Show me, getting that money. [right answer bell] Alright, it’s up there. Okay, we got two left. Justin, something that you’re thankful for.

Justin: Oh, um, I gotta say my health. I’m the fastest one on my cross country team. But I’m not strong like Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, he is strong, ain’t he? He must have good genes.

Justin: Oh, yeah. Cecil’s always been big.He’s had a full mustache since age 11.

Cecil: And, I was the sexiest boy in the 6th grade.

Steve Harvey: Well, you and I are very similar. Show me, big and manly at an early age. [right answer bell] Oh, yes.

[Justin and Cecil do high-five]

Cecil: Half brother. All in.

Steve Harvey: Wait, wait. Hold up? Half brother? I thought you wasadopted.

Cecil: Oh, no, Steve. Mama had me before she got married 17 years ago.

Steve Harvey: 17 years? Okay. Now, I’m doing a math. That’s–

Steve Harvey and Cecil: Kind of freaky.

[Steve Harvey and Cecil look at each other awkwardly]

Steve Harvey: Oh my lord, help me. [sad music playing] [Steve Harvey walks to Carol] I did a bad thing. I did bad. I thought I was out. I thought I was all the way out.

Carol: No, Steve, there’s nothing you need to do, okay?

Peter: And what are we talking about?

Carol: Steve, Steve, look at me. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Steve Harvey: But, is he smart os is he like– [pointing at himself]

Carol: He’s so smart, Steve. So, smart. Go over. Say hi.

[Steve Harvey walks to Cecil]

Steve Harvey: Hey, there, little fellow. Do you mind if I play the feud with you? Tell me what you’r thankful for.

Cecil: Well, player, I’m thankful for family in whatever form it takes.

Steve Harvey: You damn right. Show me family. [right answer bell] Ay! There it is. The Diedrichson family win. Next up, we going to play the lightning round but I feel like I should just give them the money. We’ll be right back.

Janelle: Hold up. This ain’t no happy ending.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, we got a lot of stuff to talk about. We do.

Come Back, Barack

Chance the Rapper

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

[Music video starts. Artists- De-Von-Tre, song- “Come Back”.]

[Chance the Rapper, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson are the singers]

Chance the Rapper: Ooh!

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chance the Rapper: [singing] This time a year I get thankful babe
thankful for you

Kenan Thompson: But now, you’re gone
and I don’t know what to do

Chris Redd: You were so intelligent, you were so strong
waited my whole life for you, so damn long

Chance the Rapper: And now I see you moving on
and I’m begging you come back home

All: And every night
I turn the TV on and cry
I say why
I feel like we’re all going to die

So, come back Barack [Chris Redd is looking at Barack Obama’s picture]
even though it’s not allowed
we want you back somehow
I need you in my life

So, come back Barack,
we didn’t know just what we had
Now things are looking bad
like, really bad, like, World War bad, like, nuclear bad
So, come back Barack

Chance the Rapper: I see you hang gliding
living your life

Kenan Thompson: Dropping your daughter off
at college with your wife

Chris Redd: And you look so damn happy
and you deserve it, yeah, but I’m a selfish man

Kenan Thompson: And I know there is other democrats
more than just a few

Chance the Rapper: But when I think of change
the only chance I want is you

All: I’m in hell, dreaming about you and Michelle

So, come back Barack,
don’t leave us here alone
please pick up the phone
the White House ain’t a home

Just come back Barack

Kenan Thompson: It’s been a long time, Barack. Almost as long as since the guy talked over a record like this but for real, why would leave us? Oh, coz you had to? Because of the constitution? But you can come back, right? Oh, you can’t? Coz that would undermine the very institutions that we’re barely holding on to as it is? I see. I guess we stuck with this dude for a while then. Maybe you can come back and make a speech? How much would that cost? For real? Oh, no, we definitely can’t afford that. So, I’m just getting rained over for nothing. That’s interesting. Well, you enjoy your retirement, homie.

All: Come back Barack,
we need you all so bad
2020’s looking sad

Kenan Thompson: Maybe Michelle could run.

All: Like, really sad, like, super sad, like, what the hell we gonna do sad

Kenan Thompson: No, let’s not put Michelle through that.

All: Come back Barack

Kenan Thompson: But if she wanted to–

Chris Redd: I’d vote for Joe Biden

Kenan Thompson: What about George Clooney? I mean, that dude was Batman. That’d be cool. You know what? I don’t think the three of us have firmest grasp on government. But, hey, happy thanksgiving, everybody.

All: Come back Barack!

The Price Is Right Celebrity Edition

Drew… Beck Bennett

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Ramal… Kenan Thompson

Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Marcia… Leslie Jones

Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat

Amanda… Miley Cyrus

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Derek… Pete Davidson

Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor

Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro]

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!

Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.

Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.

Amanda: You’re really cute.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.

Amanda: Do you have a brother?

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek

Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.

Derek: Are you okay?

Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.

Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.

[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]

Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.

Tony Bennett: What?

Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.

Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.

Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]

Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can]

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.

Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.

Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.

Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink]

[Ramal takes a sip]

Ramal: Damn! $92,000!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.

Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.

Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.

Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.

Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]

Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.

Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.

Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.

Chris Hemsworth: Love it.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.

Derek: Already a bad start.

Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.

Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: The actual price is $600.

[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]

Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.

[Tony Bennett walks in]

Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?

Drew: Please don’t do this.

Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.

Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.

Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.

Drew: With more of the Price is Right.

New Wife

Beck Bennett

Jan… Kate McKinnon

Vincent… Larry David

Chris Redd

Candice…Cecily Strong

[Starts with Beck and Jan walking to Vincent and Chris]

Beck: Vincent, there you are. What re we celebrating tonight, bud?

Vincent: You haven’t heard? I got married this past weekend.

Chris: You did what?

Vincent: I met and married a wonderful woman. She opened up a whole new world to me.

[Candice walks in]

Candice: Vincent! Here, pocket square. Oh, my god! Look at you lawyers just serving alley McBeal realness. I’m gagging.

Beck: Gagging?

Vincent: Come on, Greg. She’s gagging. Candice is gay famous. She knows all the lingo.

Jan: Okay. And where did you two meet?

Candice: Mykonos.

Chris: Greece?

Candice: No. The other one. Yes, fool! Greece.

Beck: So, Candice, what do you do?

Candice: Appearances.

Vincent: yeah. She does the whole gay circuit. She’s big with the Twinks, daddies and even the techno sluts. You know, the gay world isn’t just one thing. It is a complex tapestry of cultures. You know, like South America. I’ve learned so much from her.

Candice: Yeah, I’m basically the kitty ambassador to the Twink republic of Quank.

Jan: What does that mean?

Vincent: Jan, are you paying attention? She says she is the kitty ambassador of the Twink Republic of Quank.

Jan: Uh-huh. So, does that mean that you’re a singer?

Vincent: Pfft! Singer? She’s an entertainer. Like, later tonight, she’s co-hosting power bottom at Yes Twink.

Candice: Yeah. You guys can come, but you have to bring three friends and they have to be either bus cute or rude. Two out of three. Oh, I got to go. Xavier is almost set up.

[Candice leaves]

Chris: Uh, set up?

Vincent: Yeah, yeah. She’s gonna perform for us. Let me ask you something. How old do you think she is?

Beck: Your new wife Candice?

Vincent: Yeah, yeah. She won’t tell me. She’s either 18 or 55. Either way, she’s timeless A.F.

Jan: Alright, well, if you’re happy, then we are happy for you. Cheers.

Beck: We’re here.

Chris: Cheers.

[music playing]

[Candice walks in with four half nude dancers]

Candice: Hey queers, are you bitches ready to make nasty?

Vincent: Hello? Called a response. Answer her!

Jan: Yes. Yes. We’re here.

Candice: I say, where are my queens?

Vincent: Answer her!

Candice: I said, who is queer in the house?

Chris: Sure, I’ll be, I guess.

Vincent: See?

Candice: [singing] Boys in high heels getting higher and higher
queens getting snatched as their drag time expires
attention embraces, he’s just as crazy
I only work for the monty, hunty

Oh-oh-oh, say it, oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, say it, oh-oh

Beck: So, what is this song about?

Vincent: What’s it about? Are you listening? It’s like when you walk into the club and the A list queens and Twinks are up front with the money crowd. And in the back half, you’re trolls and the lowest of the queens. Just haters looking for problems. But she doesn’t do it for the approval, no. No, no, no, no. She does it for the monty and the Givenchy hunty. It’s empowering, man!

Jan: Okay. What’s happening now?

Vincent: Oh, I love this part. She’s simulating sex with all her gay dancers. It’s fun.

Candice: [singing] I bought five tickets for the train
Yi, er, san, su

Beck: Did she just count to five in Mandarin?

Vincent: No. To four. She doesn’t know five.

Beck: Why did she have five tickets for the train then?

Vincent: Because the squad has four queens, plus her makes five. You know what? You know what? Get out! Just get the hell out. [pushing Beck] I want you off the property now. Get the hell out of here. You’re fired. Get out.

Jan: Is everything okay? You got so mad.

Vincent: Yeah. I’m sorry. I took my prep in an empty stomach.

Candice: Vincent, baby, we need to get going. We need to get to my gig.

Vincent: Oh, look at the time. Yeah. We got to go now if we want to be at power bottoms for her. You know, 3:30 AM performance.

Jan: Okay. But we do have a meeting at 6 AM.

Vincent: Yeah, we got that 6 AM meeting, right? You know, we have time to hear one song and then go, which is perfect because after that the club is overrun with thirsty bottom feeders. You know. You know what I’m talking about.

Chris: what is a thirsty bottom feeder?

Vincent: Girl, please. Like you don’t know.