Tag: Chris Redd

Hotel Check In

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kumail Nanjiani

Chris Redd

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Beck showing Mr. Adams around]

Beck: Here we are, Mr. Adams. We figured you would like to spend your first night seaside at something a little more nicer than a Motel 6.

Mr. Adams: Yeah. This is– wow. I can’t thank you enough, sir. Not just for this, but for everything you guys did to get me out of North Korea.

Beck: Just doing our job. And the next time you wanna make a documentary, try Paris. I hear they’re a little more welcoming to Americans with cameras. But not much. Now, get some rest and enjoy the hotel. The US government is picking up the tab. Welcome home.

Mr. Adams: Thank you so much, sir.

[Mr. Adams walks to the reception]

Kumail: Hello, welcome to Chatsworth Marriott experience. May I have the last name on the reservation, please?

Mr. Adams: Yeah. Adams.

[Kumail looks into computer]

Kumail: Can you spell that for me?

Mr. Adams: Um, sure. A–

Kumail: Found it. I see your room and incidentals have been taken care of. And since this is your first time staying with us, I would love to tell you about some of our amenities such as the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: Oh. You know what, man, I’m good. I just want to get into my room and relax.

Kumail: Wonderful. And where are you traveling in from?

Mr. Adams: Um, North Korea.

Kumail: Fantastic. Just give me a moment while I pull up your room.

[Chris and Leslie walk in]

Chris: Hey man, sorry to interrupt. Could you get us some towels sent to room? It’s room 904.

Leslie: Can you also send up a boyfriend who doesn’t flirt with other girls to room 904?

Chris: Ha-ha-ha. Perfect. Another night of screaming. All the time.

[Chris and Leslie leave]

Kumail: Okay. So we have you in room 905. And while I print your key, I would love to tell you about some of our amenities such as the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: Again, man, I’m not interested, man.

Kumail: Of course. More time to enjoy our spa, indulge, which was featured in Latitudes. That’s Southwest Airlines inflight magazine.

Mr. Adams: No. Thank you.

Kumail: Are you sure? Your reservation comes with a complimentary spa service. I could book you a hot stone massage for tomorrow.

Mr. Adams: Well, that actually sounds nice.

Kumail: Fantastic. And I see we have an appointment. You’re in luck. And done. Hot stone massage tomorrow with Carly at 5:15 AM.

Mr. Adams: Oh, that’s too early. Cancel that please.

Kumail: My apologies, but cancellations must be made 24 hours in advance. Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?

Mr. Adams: Yeah, man. I want to check into my room.

Kumail: Ha-ha. Of course. And while I finish your reservation, canI offer you a complimentary glass of champagne?

Mr. Adams: Yes, please.

Kumail: Excellent, that will be available in the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: You keep pushing the Stargazer lounge. I’m not going there, man.

Kumail: Of course. However, you didn’t hear this from me, but the Stargazer’s headline act this evening is the Danny band. They were featured in Latitude magasine.

Mr. Adams: Okay. I don’t know what the Danny band is. I don’t read Latitude’s magazine. I just want you to show me to my room, man.

Kumail: Of course. [Kumail hands over a paper] Here’s a map of the property. We are here on that x that I have just drawn for you. This is Indulge, our spa which was featured in Latitudes magazine.

Mr. Adams: I don’t care. I don’t care.

Kumail: Okay. The escalator here will bring you to the Mezzanine where you will find the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: No, my room. My room.

Kumail: Of course. The lobby elevator which is right here will take you to your room as well as the bar entrance to the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: Oh, my god! [Mr. Adams punches Kumail] I’m so sorry.

Kumail: Perfectly alright, sir. Happens all the time. [Kumail hands in Mr. Adams his key] Here’s your key. Your room 905.

Mr. Adams: Excellent. Thank you.

Kumail: Is there anything else I can help you with while you wait for your room to be cleaned? Check in starts in four hours.

Mr. Adams: What? What am I supposed to do for four hours?

Kumail: Might I suggest, you visit the Stargazer–

Mr. Adams: Right! The Stargazer lounge and listen to Danny band. Can’t wait. [Mr. Adams enters the elevator. There’s the Danny Band poster and the singer is Kumail.]

First Date

Amelia… Gal Gadot

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Waiter… Chris Redd

Waitress… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with OJ and Amelia in a restaurant on a date]

OJ: This place is really nice.

Amelia: Oh, you like it? I haven’t been here in years. I was worried it might have changed.

[A waitress walks in and rudely picks up their plates and walks away]

OJ: Well, service might have gone downhill.

Amelia: Uh, you think? Ha-ha.[Cut to Amelia] Listen, Amelia, I have got to be honest with you. I am a little nervous. This is my first Bumble date.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, yeah, right. That’s what everyone says.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: No, no, no. I swear. I never used dating apps before. But hey, [raises his glass of wine] to trying new things.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: To trying new things. [Hitting Amelia’s glass with her’s]

Amelia: Alright. So, um, Amelia, what kind of name is that?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Well, I’m originally from Bosnia-Herzegovina. Do you know of it?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: I think so. You guys had a big war there in the 90s, right?

OJ: Yeah. [Cut to OJ] Yes. It was the war for independence.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: That probably dominated all the news around there, huh?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, big time. Yea, of course. We were very, very isolated from the outside world. It was horrible.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Well, I’m glad you survived, so I could meet you.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: Aw, me too. So, um, OJ, is that a nickname?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Um, no. Actually, it’s my first and middle name. Orenthal James. I did have a nickname for a little while. “Juice”, as in juice is loose?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Loose from what?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: [shaking his head] Just a juice container. I guess. You know, it’s silly.

[A waiter walks in with their food]

Waiter: Okay. For the lady we have the halibut and for the gentleman we have the steak, the lamb chops and the burger and fries.

OJ: I can’t believe you ordered all that.

Amelia: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m starving. I feel like I haven’t eaten a decent meal in years.

Waiter: [giving his fist to Amelia] My man.

Amelia: Oh, you know what it is.

[Waiter walks away]

OJ: Wait a second. [Cut to OJ] Are you famous or something?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Who? Me? No. I’m mean not really famous. So, when you are dating somebody, you like, ever Google them?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh. No. I really prefer the mystery of it. You know, to sit together, talk to you face to face.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Fantastic. Fantastic. I feel the same way. Plus, you know, there is a lot of fake news out there.

[A woman walks in]

Woman: [to OJ] I’m sorry. I just wanna say I can’t believe you’re sitting here having dinner with this man. [to Amelia] You are disgusting.

[The woman walks away]

OJ: What was that all about?

Amelia: Well, I’m sad to admit this. But when you look like I do in this country, people treat you differently.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: You mean because of racism?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Yes. [Cut to OJ and Amelia] Um, OJ, I gotta confess something. This steak is incredible. You want some?

OJ: Sure. Why not?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Alright, cool. Give me a second. [Amelia is trying to cut the steak] For some reason they gave me a plastic knife. [He can’t cut the steak] Meanwhile, why do’t you tell me a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Uh-uh, mister, I’m not done with you yet.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Oh, your witness, counselor.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: So, what exactly is it that you do? [Cut to OJ] In your profile you just wrote this and that.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: I mean, you could say I’m semi-retired but I was actually a pretty good athlete back in the day.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, so that’s why people recognize you?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: It could be from that. Yes. Sure.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: So, do you still have any of your trophies or awards?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: You know, it’s funny that you bring that up. I mean, coz I tried getting some of those back a few years ago. I mean, you know, [yelling] since they were mine to begin with! But it was a little harder than I thought.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Wow. So you’re an athlete too. Pfft. I have to ask, how is it that you are still single?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: It’s a mystery.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

[phone ringing]

OJ: Oh, excuse me. It’s my friend. I told her to call me in case you were a psycho.

Amelia: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Hey, Rachel. No, no, no. Everything is okay. Don’t worry. I’m having a really good time with OJ. Muah!

[as soon as OJ hangs up the phone, it starts ringing and receiving messages]

Oh, I’ll just turn this off.

Amelia: Yeah. That’s probably a great idea. Maybe some others here could take a cue from that and turn their phones off too!

[Cut to a group of people taking pictures of OJ and Amelia with their mobile phones]

You know, hey, let’s get out of here, OJ. Some people have no shame. [OJ and Amelia stand] I tell my friend AC to pull the car around. You know, I almost forgot. I wanted to show you the license plate. I made it myself.

[looking at the camera] Still got it! [winking]

E! New Line Up

Kendall Jenner, Gigi Hadid… Gal Gadot

Bella Hadid… Kate McKinnon

Blake Shelton… Luke Null

Gwen Stefani… Melissa Villaseñor

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Nene Leaks… Leslie Jones

[Starts with video Channel commericial]

Female voice: The world is a complete bummer right now. And here at E, we know that sometimes you just have to be like, “Buhh.” So turn your brain off with our new line-up of fall programming. First, we’re celebrating 10 years of the Kardashian dynasty with our new series, “Kendall’s Model House.” Tune in, it’s Kendall Jenner and super model sisters Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid complain around a huge bowl of fruits.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid]

Kendall Jenner: I’m under a lot of pressure.

Bella Hadid: So much pressure.

Kendall Jenner: [looking at Gigi Hadid] You’re prettier than me.

Gigi Hadid: No way. You are so much prettier than me.

Kendall Jenner: Wait. Which one am I? [Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid are thinking] Alexa?

Alexa: You are Kendall Jenner.

Female voice: What? Not everything can be good news. So, if you wanna feel absolutely nothing, watch ‘Down Home with Blake and Gwynn’, Tuesdays at 9:30.

[Cut to Blake and gwynn singing]

Blake Shelton: [singing] I love you, girl.

Gwen Stefani: [singing badly] I love you too.

Blake Shelton: No, you go high.

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani: [singing] I love you.

Blake Shelton: You know what? We’re going to work on it.

Female voice: You’d watch that for 20 minutes, and that’s okay. [Cut to Kanye West hiding from the camera] You know the moments on the Kardashians where Kanye clearly doesn’t want to be on camera? Now, there’s a show that’s just that. It’s “Where’s Kanye?” He’s hanging back because he is shy or he doesn’t want to be associated with the show. “Where’s Kanye?” Then Wednesday at 10:15, get lost in Kendall’s World.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner walking around her house]

Kendall Jenner: Hello? [looking around]

Female voice: As Kendall Jenner literally gets lost in her own house.

Kendall Jenner: Hello?

Female voice: The house is so big and empty and she’s only there two weeks out of the year.

[Kendall Jenner opening door]

Kendall Jenner: Is this the bathroom? Damn, closet again!

Female voice: But hey, that’s “Kendall’s World.” And Thursdays at 10, “Background Actors of Riverdale.” Then, their bosses, hoes and twins on “Powerful Sluts of Miami.” And you love her on “Fashion Police”, now reality star Nene Leaks has her own show.

Nene Leaks: I was on Bravo. Now I’m on E! I’m everywhere, bitch! I hate that.

Female voice: Nene Leaks, “If I Hate That.” Round out the week with special episodes of “Kendall’s World”. That’s right. She’s still lost. But she found a comfy closed to hunker down in.

[Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid finally meet]

Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid: Oh, yay!

Kendall Jenner: Where is Gigi?

Bella Hadid: She didn’t make it. did you go to the bathroom in here?

Female voice: Kendall’s World, Fridays at 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30 and so on forever. Only on E. You want this!

Papyrus

Steven… Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Steven sleeping at night]

Narrating: It happened again. [Steven wakes up] I thought it was behind me. But the dreams came back. [Steven is in the kitchen with Cecily] I was up all night. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.

Cecily: What’s wrong?

Narrating: You know, it haunts me.

Steven: Nothing.

Cecily: Oh, Steven. Not this again.

Narrating: I forgot about it for years but then I remembered that Avatar, the giant international blockbuster used the Papyrus font as it’s logo.

[Cut to Kate in Steven’s therapy session]

Kate: Avatar, the movie from nine years ago?

Steven: Yeah. He just highlighted Avatar, he clicked the drop down menu and then he randomly selected Papyrus. Like a thoughtless child just wandering by a garden yanking leaves along the way.

Kate: And so now you’re worried about the sequels that are coming out?

Steven: They’re making more?

Kate: Yes. Well, I think I heard that.

Steven: They changed the artwork. They fixed it!

[Kate looks for Avatar 2 in the internet]

Kate: Um, it looks similar.

[Steven gets angry and flips the table in front of him]

[Cut to Steven driving]

Narrating: He just got away with it. This man, this professional graphic designer. Was it laziness? Was it cruelty?

[Cut to Steven showing the Avatar poster to Chris]

Chris: You’ve showed me this before. I don’t think this is literally Papyrus. Maybe that was the starting point but they clearly modified this.

Steven: But whatever they did, [yelling] it wasn’t enough!

Narrating: And now, here I am doing what I vowed to never do again, sitting outside his house, hoping to catch a glimpse of him to see him doing his little things, live his insane little life.

[Cut to Steven drinking beer]

Steven: I think about it every time I see Papyrus.

Chris: Okay. Where else do you even see this font?

Steven: Hookah bars. Tequila merch. Off brand tees.

[As Steven is driving, he sees a man looking at him and whispering ‘Papyrus’. Being distracted, he crashes his car]

[Heidi walks to Steven as he is getting out of the car]

Heidi: My god, are you okay? What happened?

Steven: Do you remember the Avatar logo?

Heidi: Um, yeah. It was tribal yet futuristic.

Steven: Papyrus.

Heidi: Oh, sure.

[Behind Heidi, Steven sees the man again]

Steven: I know what you did. [yelling] I know what you did.

Italian Restaurant

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mark… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Chef… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mikey serving the guests at a restaurant. There are customers sitting at different tables.]

Mikey: So, thank you for trying the food. Tell me, what do you guys think?

Kyle: Yum.

Heidi: Really good.

Mark: fantastic.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Terrazano’s gonna be even better with this new menu.

Cecily: Yeah. I’m 50% Italian, so I know what pasta should taste like. And Terrazano’s does it right.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m so glad you guys feel that way because what if I told you that the delicious pasta dishes you’re digging into right now aren’t actually fron an authentic Italian restaurant?

[Cut to all. Three people walk in with trays of food.]

Ryan: What do you mean?

Cecily: Babe, what’s going on?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That theyr’e actually the new pasta selections from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily looking around]

Cecily: No!

Mikey: Familia Italiano–

Cecily: No!

Mikey: — pasta menu.

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: What? This is Pizza Hut? Really?

Heidi: You guys got us. That was good.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily. They stand.]

Cecily: No, no, no. Stop!

Ryan: Buddy, you better pump your brakes. I’m just a little confused. I was just sitting here eating Terrazano’s pasta with my beautiful fiancée. And now a bunch of clowns come out with Pizza Hut and you are saying that’s what we actually ate? I’m a little confused.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really? Because you got it exactly right, sir. The Terrazano’s pasta you enjoyed is really from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Kyle and Melissa]

Kyle: I gotta say. You are blowing my mind right now.

Melissa: I’m going to be ordering this primavera all the time.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: [yelling] Yea, right! From Terrazano’s, my favorite restaurant.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Okay. But remember, it’s actually Pizza Hut and you still liked them. So, isn’t that fun?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: You son of a bitch.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Whoa, easy!

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. So, you tricked us? What? This whole night was just like one big long trick?

Ryan: Who else knew about this? Huh? [Cut to Ryan, Cecily, Mark and Heidi] What about you, Mark? What was your involvement in all this?

Mark: What? No! I’m just like you. I don’t know about this.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: You can’t do this to me. I’m not a Pizza Hut girl. I’m a Terrazano girl.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Guys, guys. Terrazano’s is not a real restaurant. I never existed before today, okay? This is a warehouse with three tables.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Well, we’re not gonna stand for being made fools of. Not in front of our fiancées. Right, Mark?

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: I wish I hadn’t told you my name.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, the point is, you guys enjoyed the food, right?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: I ought to beat you to death.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Guys, you both signed a release. Your fiancée asked where the camera was, looked directly into it and said “Yum, yum, good.”

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Because I thought it was Terrazano’s.

Ryan: You get off on this? You planting little cameras around and you watch women eat garbage?

Cecily: The chef, babe. Does chef really know?

Ryan: What about chef Luigi Marinara? Is he real?

[Cut to Chef standing. He is wearing chef outfit and has big mustache.]

Chef: I am a real chef, but my actual name is Claud and I did not cook this meal for you.

[Cut to all]

Cecily: You should be disbarred. You should literally be disbarred.

[Ryan walks near to Chef]

Ryan: You looked me in the eyes. You looked my fiancée in the eyes. Where we come from, that means something. You know what? You just lost two people forever.

[Cut to Cecily holding her wine glass]

Cecily: Is this wine even real?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You ordered a diet coke.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Then why am I buzzed?

[Ryan walks to Cecily]

Ryan: You are scaring my girl. And let me tell you, I see red when my girl gets scared. I ought to beat the death out of you.

Cecily: You’re just a loser who could never afford to eat at Terrazano’s. So you made it your pathetic life’s little mission to destroy the people who can.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Okay look, you guys both signed the release. [walking towards Ryan and Cecily] You seemed to like the food. But we won’t use any of the footage if you don’t want, okay? We promise. I’m sorry this was so upsetting to you.

Cecily: Oh, stop yelling at me. I can’t be yelled at. My dad was a really messed up guy. He was really messed but he would never do this to me, not at Terrazano’s.

Ryan: [hugging Cecily] I know, babe. I know. [to Mikey] If this weren’t Terrazano’s, I ould beat you to death.

Mikey: There is no Terrazano’s!

[Cut to Domino’s video bumper]

Male voice: Domino’s, at least we’re not liars!

Medieval Times

Mikey Day

King…Beck Bennett

Princess… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Blue Knight… Alex Moffat

Green Knight… Chris Redd

Red and Yellow Knight… Adam Driver

Kyle Mooney

Green Knight’s squire… Melissa Villaseñor

Red and Yellow Knight’s squire… Bowen Yang

[Starts with horns blowing in Medieval Times building]

[Cut to Mikey, King and Princess. They’re wearing clothes of medieval age.]

Mikey: Lords and ladies welcome to Medieval Times in the mighty kingdom of New Jersey. Are you enjoying the garlic bread and entire small chicken?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yeah! Whoo! This is good bird. Smells a little like horse crap in here though.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Fairly. What say you might, king and fair princess?

[Cut to King and Princess]

King: Bring forth the knights.

Princess: And let the tournament commence.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: As you wish. From the hills of Don With, it’s the brave Blue Knight!

[Cut to Blue Knight. He is wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Blue Knight: I fight for king and country.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the planes of Campweld, it’s the just, Green Knight!

[Cut to Green Knight. He is also wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Green Knight: My king, I pledge your fidelity.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the field of Firth, a knight who decided to wear his own costume from home for some reason. The noble Red and Yellow knight!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight. He is not wearing any armor.]

Red and Yellow Knight: My lands were taken. My village burnt on the orders of this false king. All because we would not pay his unjust tax.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Cameron. I know you’re taking that acting class, but please don’t do this.

Red and Yellow Knight: His soldiers murdered my son and ravaged my wife.

Mikey: Except, they didn’t! Now, don’t you have a greeting for the fair princess?

Red and Yellow Knight: Hi! [spits]

Mikey: No, please don’t say hi. Lords and ladies, the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh, that’s our guy. Cheers son! Whoo!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: My family lay murdered and you cheer?

[Cut to Kenan and his son serious.]

Kenan: I’m sorry. [raising his glass] Wench, can I get another– what’s this called? Pleasant punch? With this junk, I’ve been leaning.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: God, speak to our knights

[Red and Yellow Knight walks in]

Red and Yellow Knight: My son’s name was Brandon.

Mikey: No, it wasn’t. You have no son. Go away.

[Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away]

Now, as our knights prepare for the tournament, please welcome the Castle Falcon.

[Kyle walks in with a falcon]

Kyle: The falcon is famed for it’s intelligence. Now, prepare to be awed as it flies in a circle.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Oh! Look at him go. Look son.

Kyle: The falcon can fly pedro. Hop! That speeds up pedro, hop! Hop! [Red and Yellow Knight walks in slowly with a bow and arrow.] Moving 50 miles per–

[Mikey runs in to stop Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: That bird is a spy for the king.

Mikey: Cameron, your acting class is a community college class. [Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away] Now, come off.

King: Chill! I retire of this bird. Let the knights cross weapons.

Princess: I wish to see the Green Knight battle the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: And so you shall. Now, I ask the squires with which weapon will they do battle?

[Cut to Green Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Green Knight chooses a mace.

[His squire passes a mace to Green Knight]

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Red and Yellow Knight has this which he brought from home. [His weapon is a mixture of every other weapons into one weapon.]

Red and Yellow Knight: The mongolian speaks the truth.
Squire: [Yelling] No!

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Apologies to Squire. That was unacceptable. Now, let the fight begin.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! Here we go. If your mama asks, I had only one of these, alright? Let’s go Red and Yellow.

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and Green Knight]

Green Knight: You’re not gonna hit me with that thing, right?

Red and Yellow Knight: Fear not. [Red and Yellow Knight puts the weapon down] I have no quarrel with the blackamore.

Green Knight: Blackamore? Na-ah! That’s strike two, bitch! I’m tired.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Strike two indeed. And now I’m hearing in my earpiece that our noble branch manager Steve P. would like to see you in his office immediately.

Red and Yellow Knight: Steve P. can wait for first I must slay this bloated bastard king!

Mikey: Okay, Steve P. is screaming. Please go.

Red and Yellow Knight: He charges you $110 for chicken and potato and does not give you the dignity of a fork?

[Cut to Kenan and his son. Kenan is eating his chicken with his hand.]

Kenan: Yeah, I do want a fork. No grown man should have to eat bake potato with his hands?

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: And when your children asks who killed this putrid king–

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: Tell them it was I, Cameron Bissle. Sad and eligible. Justice!

[Cut to everybody. Red and Yellow Knight runs to attack the king]

Mikey: No, no.

[The king is running]

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! This is a hell of a birthday son. Here, have a little sip of that.

[Kenan gives his son to have his drink]

[The End]

Del Taco Shoot

Douglas… Kyle Mooney

Miranda… Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Adam Driver

Jordan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Douglas and Miranda in a studio]

Douglas: So cool, right?

Miranda: Yeah, congrats on the gig. It’s actually a really fun commercial.

Douglas: Hey, I’m just here for check. Kidding!

Miranda: Ha-ha. True.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hello actors. Douglas, Miranda, thanks for being here. We’re so lucky we got our first choices.

Miranda: Oh, that’s so nice.

Douglas: That’s awesome.

Beck: Yeah. So, listen. Del Taco’s VP branding is here today. And he is very excited about their buck and under menu.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: Happy to be here. Have a good day.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, ready to give it a try?

Miranda: Yeah! Let’s do it.

Douglas: Definitely, yes. I almost didn’t make it today coz I almost stopped at Del Taco on the way.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: [laughing] Ya, save that. that’s funny.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, I’ll take these scripts. Jordan, ready to roll?

[Cut to Jordan behind the camera]

Jordan: Ready when you are, boss.

[Adam walks behind the camera]

Beck: Okay, quite on set. And, action.

[Cut to Douglas and Miranda]

[music playing]

Miranda: Um-um. this Del Taco is amazing. You gotta get some.

Douglas: Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.

Miranda: Well, with Del Taco buck and under menu, you can get all this–

[Cut to Beck and Jordan]

Beck: Okay, you know, let’s hold that there.

[Adam walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Sorry to interrupt. Um, Miranda, that was great. Douglas, what we’re trying to get here is that you’re hungry but you’re all out of cash. So it’s like, “Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.”

Douglas: Okay.

Beck: Try that. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, it’s like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Sort of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s kind of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s more of, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, right, right. So, it’s “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No.

[Cut to Adam, Beck and Douglas]

Adam: Mark, can I talk to you?

Beck: Yes, sir.

[Beck walks to Adam]

Adam: He’s bad. He’s very, very bad. He should be fun and lively. It’s a buck and under menu for crying out loud. He should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Exactly! That’s perfect. Okay, I’ll handle it.

[Beck walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Miranda, killing it. Douglas, you’re kind of freaking us out. Coz you don’t want it to be bad, right?

Douglas: No, sir.

Beck: Alright. So, maybe it’s brighter.

Douglas: Oh,okay.

Beck: Yeah, we were thinking it’s kind if like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Got it. Yeah, yeah.

Beck: Yeah, let’s hear it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Adam walks in]

Adam: No, you don’t wanna kill yourself. You just want a taco. It should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay.

Adam: Now, say it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: You’re not a pervert.

Beck: He’s got to get out of his head.

Adam: I think we just gotta beat the hell out of this guy.

Beck: No. No, no, no. We can’t.

Adam: Oh, crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Beck: I know. Wait, wait! I’ve got an idea. Dougie, you gotta get out of your head and in your body. Loosen up, alright? Come on. [jumping] Hoo! Hoo! “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: [jumping with Beck] “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, you’re still tight. You gotta loose it up. Drop your pants. Pull it down. Get it off your body. Now breathe deep through your butt hole. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, no, no. Squat into it. Squat into it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No, you’re still reading like you’re a pervert. Put your shirt over like cornholio.

Douglas: Yes sir.

Adam: Alright, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No.

Beck: Dougie, you gotta slow it down. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Now he’s saying like he’s hard.

Douglas: Sorry sir. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Just throw out away.”Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes, that’s it. One more time.

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes! Nailed it. Finally.

Beck: Did we get that?

[Cut to Jordan]

Jordan: No!

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: It doesn’t matter. Great day people. That’s a wrap!

[The End]

Alan Dershowitz Argues for Trump Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Alan Dershowitz… Jon Lovitz

Devil… Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Chloe Fineman

Jeffrey Epstein… Adam Driver

Bowen Yang

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Mr. Peanut… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Mpffat

[Starts with a meeting in United States Capitol]

Mitch McConnell: Senator Collins, thank you for meeting me back in the chamber tonight.

[cheers and applause]

I wanted to see what you thought about the democrats kicks.

Susan Collins: Well, I was upset that Adam Schiff said republicans are afraid of standing up to the president coz if Trump ever tried to intimidate Susan Collins, I’d walk right up to him and say, [in soft voice] “You don’t do that, do you? I love you.”

Mitch McConnell: Um-hmm. We all know this impeachment proceeding is a sham and a hoax. Republicans are simply requesting a fair trial. No witnesses, no evidence! That way we can acquit president Trump and focus on the real criminals in this country, teenagers who try marijuana.

Susan Collins: Well, the evidence against Trump is pretty damning. So, I’m still on the fans. [wink her right eye]

Mitch McConnell: Hmm. Don’t worry. Our star defense attorney is presenting his case on Monday. He’s here right now to rehearse his arguments. Mr. Dershowitz! You wanna get in here?

[Alan Dershowitz walks in]

Alan Dershowitz: Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

[cheers and applause]

Jealous? Yes, hello everyone. It’s I, alan Dershowitz. Ah! It’s wonderful to be here coz I’m not welcome anywhere else. The line of haters out there for no good reason. But like I said to my client and my dear friend, Jeffrey Epstein, haters gonna hate.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah, um, Alan, I think you’re gonna wanna stay away from Epstein.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, right. Good point. Alright, let me try again then.

[Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins step aside and Alan Dershowitz stand behind the podium]

Now, members of this senate, president Trump is a lot like another client of mine, sir OJ Simpson.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Susan Collins: Could you not mention your previous clients and connection with the president? It’s not a great look.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, hey! It’s not a great look? It’s printed on my business cards.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Alan Dershowitz: Okay, okay. I digress. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! If I learned one thing from my time with accused wife murderer Claus von Bülow, it’s that appearances can be deceiving. Trump couldn’t possibly be guilty because– [putting his hand on his chest] Uh! Uh!

Mitch McConnell: Alan?

Susan Collins: Alan, are you okay?

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! My heart!

[Alan Dershowitz falls on podium and smokes appears everywhere]

[Cut to hell. Devil has horns on her head and she is sitting on a chair. There are minions behind her with red tridents.]

Devil: Oh, my god! Sorry! Oh, my gosh! Look at that. [Alan Dershowitz walks in] Freaking Alan Dershowitz.

[Devil and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands and hug.]

Alan Dershowitz: Huh? I’m in hell?

Devil: No! I mean, yes, you are. Let me explain. You’re not going to hell. You’re not even dying. I’m just gonna send up back upstairs in a minute. Honestly, I just really wanted to meet you. I never said it, I’m a huge fan.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Thank you.

Devil: No, seriously. You are– you’re the GOAT! And I should know. That’s what my legs are made of. Here, I have a– [pointing to a rock] pull the rock!

[Alan Dershowitz pulls the rock and sits on it]

This is crazy. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to fan girl out so hard right now. Ay, you mind if I record this for my podcast?

Alan Dershowitz: You have a podcast?

Devil: Oh, yeah. I invented them. Minions, can you bring us the mics please?

[Minion brings in a mic on a mic stand.]

Thank you so much. Okay, here we go.

[starting the podcast]

Ay! What’s up guys? It’s your main squeeze the devil. Reminding you ironically to visit adamandeve.com for all your adult toys. And shout out to our other sponsors too. Like, Vaping! You’re never too young to start vaping. And of course, My Pillow. Not the Pillow, the guy. We’re here today with the Alan Dershowitz, so inspiring.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Satan, you’re making me blush.

Devil: Okay. But let me ask you something.

Alan Dershowitz: Fire away!

Devil: Okay. Careful now! How did you come up with this Trump defense? Coz years ago you said you don’t need a crime to impeach the president. And now you say you need something crime-like. I’m speechless.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah, yes sweetie.

Devil: And I gotta ask. Is there anyone you wouldn’t represent?

Alan Dershowitz: Well, as long as client is famous enough to get me on TV, it’s all good.

Devil: Yeah, yeah. Someone’s not famous, that’s a waste of time. I used to let nobodies into hell. But now it’s all influencers. Like in a fast pass. Fast pass straight to hell.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, okay. Like a fast pass, like in the Disney World?

Devil: Yeah, yeah. The folks at Disney tried out fast pass in hell before it went to Orlando. Frankly, a lot of stuff in Orlando started out right here in hell. Listen, I’m hogging all your time. A lot of friends started to stop by and see you.

[Jeffrey Epstein walks in]

Jeffrey Epstein: [clapping] Hey, hey!

[Cut to Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz]

[Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands]

[cheers and applause]

Alan Dershowitz: Look who it is. Jeffrey Epstein. Great to see you. What are you doing here?

Jeffrey Epstein: Ah! Just hanging.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, very nice.

Jeffrey Epstein: Well I gotta say, I love what you’ve been doing for the president. All we get down here if FOX news and it’s been a joy to see your work.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! I wish you could have been there in person.

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s too bad I was murdered!

Alan Dershowitz: Ha-ha! I know. Trust me. I know.

[Cut to everybody. Bowen walks in.]

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Totally, you guys are hillarious.

Alan Dershowitz: ‘m sorry. Who are you?
Jeffrey Epstein: He’s the– He’s the– Well, you tell him.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Um, yeah. I wrote Baby Shark.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! Genius.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Yeah, and that’s why I’m in hell, tu-tu-tu-tu. You know the rest. You know the rest.

[Flo walks in]

Flo: Did someone say hell?

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Flo from Progressive.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Yeah, yeah. She’s just visiting.

[Cut to Bowen and Flo

Flo: Yeah. I made a deal with a devil so I can be on TV forever!

[Mr. Peanut walks in]

Mr. Peanut: Man! I wish I had done that.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, that’s right. Planters just killed off Mr. Peanut.

Alan Dershowitz: And you ended up in hell?

[Cut to Mr. Peanut]

Mr. Peanut: Well, I took out a lot of first graders with peanut allergies. Plus I never wore pants.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein. Mitch McConnell walks in.]

Mitch McConnell: Speaking of no pants, you about done here Alan? We got a lot more work to do for Mr. Trump.

Alan Dershowitz: You’re in hell too, Mitch?

Mitch McConnell: No. I just come down and use it as a sauna. But I’ve made a lot of friends here and they give me great advice about how to run the senate.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Hey, hey. Did you do that thing with Mary Garland that I pitched you?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell and Alan Dershowitz]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it worked great. I meant to say thank you.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Oh, please! The smile on Mitch McConnell’s face is thanks enough.

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Aw! [laughing]

[Alan Dershowitz loos at Mitch McConnell laughing and gets scared.]

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, well, thank you. It was very nice meeting you. And, I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this but I always suspected that you were a woman.

Devil: Yeah. I appear differently to different people.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, to me the devil is a woman my own age. Alright, we gotta skedaddle.

[Cut to Bowen, Flo and Mr. Peanut]

Bowen: Yeah, we’ve got a double’s tennis against Menendez brothers. Alright, bye guys!

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Bye, bye. Stay cool Alan!

[Jeffrey Epstein and Bowen leave]

Alan Dershowitz: Okay! See you later. Ah, the Menendez brothers. Ones that got away.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Devil]

Devil: Well, good luck Mr. Dershowitz. We’re gonna be watching the trial this week. So, make us proud. If we get our TVs fixed in time, that is. Where is out IT guy? Mark Zuckerberg!

[Cut to everybody. Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Almost done, boss! And I just want everyone to know that I don’t endorse evil. I just helped millions of people share it. Ha-ha-ha!

Devil: Wow. Even for me, that’s haunting. Alan you wanna do this with me, bud?

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, be on it.

[Everyone comes close]

Everobody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Family Charades

Chris Redd

Paul… RuPaul

Kate McKinnon

Frank… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Sheila… Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with neighbors sitting in a hall after dinner]

Chris: You guys, dinner was amazing.

Paul: Is everyone in the neighborhood as nice as you?

Kate: Oh, you guys are sweet. We just wanted to give you a warm welcome.

Frank: Ay, you know, after dinner we normally play games.

Kyle: Yeah. You guys wanna play charades?

Everybody: Yeah.

Heidi: Okay. What are the teams?

Sheila: Should we do family versus family?

Kenan: Oh, well, more importantly, what are the stakes?

[Cut to Frank and Kate]

Frank: $1,000?

Kate: Frank!

Frank: Okay, well, too low? 5,000?

[Cut to everybody. Kate, Frank, Kyle and Heidi are sitting together as Barren family team. Chris, Paul, Sheila and Kenan are together as Johnson family team.]

Sheila: Okay. Alright, high stake charades. I like it. Alright, you guys go first.

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Alright, Barren family. Let’s lock in. I’m the start. Ready?

[Kate starts trying to tell her team using her actions only]

Kyle: Three words.

Frank: It’s a movie.

Heidi: Second word.

Kyle: Running.

Frank: Third word.

Heidi: Man. Running man!

Frank: Yes!

Kyle: Yes!

[The Barren family are celebrating]

[Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: Don’t get too excited. The Johnson family is pretty darn good at charades.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s right. Sheila, why don’t you kick us all, babe?

Sheila: Yeah. Watch how it’s done. [Sheila stands to give her team hints] Three words.

Kate: No talking.

Sheila: Oh, you see. I didn’t interrupt you sis. So, let me have my round.

Kate: Okay. The one rule is that–

Sheila: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! I’m opening this and I’m reading this coz..

Chris: A book!

Sheila: Yes! Yes! Okay. So, we’re gonna skip the first word coz it’s just ‘The’, okay? Alright. Second word. Not big, rhymes with skittle.

Kenan: Little!

Sheila: Yes! Yes! That’s correct. That’s right! That’s right.

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: What’s happening?

Kyle: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: What’s happening is you’re getting your ass whooped in charades.

Sheila: Okay! Okay! Third word. Purple rain, purple rain!

Paul: Prince! The little prince!

Sheila: Yeah!

[The Johnson family are celebrating]

Chris: Rolling baby!

Kenan: That’s my girl!

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: There seems to be some confusion about the rules.

Frank: Yeah. Yeah. Maybe let’s just call that a practice round. There were some discrepancies in that round.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: Well, y’all was trolling us.

Sheila: Um-hmm. And those who kept talking.

Kenan: Yeah, no talking. This is charades.

[Cut to Barren family become confused]

[Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: That was practice. This is real. Okay?

[Paul stands up to give his team hints]

Alright. Um, four words. And it’s a movie. And the first word’s just a number. So, just keep that in mind, okay?

[Cut to the Barren family]

Kate: See, but you can’t do that though. You’re supposed to mime it. There’s no words.

[Cut to everybody]

Paul: Oh, okay. Got it.

[Paul shows his own face, then points at Frank]

Johnson family: 12 years of slave. Oh!

[Johnson family are celebrating]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank: What about me made you think of 12 years of slave?

[Cut to the Johnson family]

Kenan: I mean, come on!

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: No, you guys don’t get it. You have to mime everything. Like for that last round, you should have gone. [Heidi is giving an example]

Paul: Arsenio Hall!

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: No. I’m looking for a movie.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: A movie with Arsenio Hall. Oh! Come to America!

Kenan: Oh, man! We are like five to nothing!

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Okay. You’re also not allowed to point to anyone or anything in the room.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Sheila: Okay, I have literally never heard that.

[Cut to Barren family]

Kyle: These are standard rules. Go again. Try to follow them this time.

[Cut to Johnson family. Kenan walking forward.]

Kenan: Hey, y’all starting to look like some sort of losers. But I’m happy to try it your way. Alright, here we go. [Kenan mimes just like Heidi before]

Sheila: It’s not Arsenio Hall but it’s a movie.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

[Kenan starts giving hints. He acts like he’s laughing, crying and then using a calculator.]

Paul: Bad boys for life!

Kenan: Yeah!

Chris: Oh! Looking like a blow out, baby!

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: How did they possibly get that?

[Cut to Johnson family]

Sheila: Oh, girl, that was easy. He spelled it out. It was a movie that made you laugh, made you cry and afterwards made you google ‘When did Martin Lawrence get old as hell?

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Okay, I guess that technically counts as a point.

Kyle: That’s not how you play charades! You have to go word by word like this, [miming] Bad! Boys! For! Life!

[Cut to Johnson family. They are all laughing out loud.]

Kenan: What the hell was that?

Chris: Nobody knows. Okay, my turn.

[Chris stands up]

[Cut to Barren family]

Frank: How come they just keep going?

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: Aite, here we go.

[Chris starts miming]

Sheila: A movie!

Chris: Uh-huh!

Paul: 14 words.

Chris: Yeah.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: 14 words? This one’s gonna take forever.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: No, it won’t. I’ll get in two seconds.

[Chris starts miming]

Sheila: Oh, he’s making Marlon Wayans face. Oh!

Johnson family: Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood!

Chris: Ah!

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Yeah! Ah!

Chris: Now, that’s enough to get our $5,000.

Kenan: Yeah, and this is our house now, so you all can leave.

Chris: Bye-bye.

Kenan: Bye-bye!

Check-Splitting

Waitress… Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Kandis… Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

Mary… Cecily Strong

Beth… RuPaul

[Starts with a waitress handing over the check to a group in a restaurant.]

Waitress: Okay, guys. No rush. Just gonna leave the check.

Chris: Well, thank you.

Kyle: Hang on, birthday boy. You’re not paying a dime.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kandis: Yes. Let’s all of us, the rest of us, we’re gonna split it. Is that okay with everyone?

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Heidi: Oh, well, I didn’t have wine. Oh, but you know what? Who cares? It’s fine.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kandis: Yeah, it’s just easier if you’re okay with that. I mean, and since we all have places to go, I think.

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Heidi: Um, no. It’s totally fine.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: Excuse me! Now the last thing I want is you call a fuss. But I cannot sit here and silence for one more moment while this unequal, unjust action unfolds!

Kandis: Mary, Beth, is there a problem?

Mary: Remind me, what is your name again?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Seriously? I’m your supervisor. It’s Kandis.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Beth: Well, Kandis, I think you ought to ask yourself if you’re a supervisor or a taker of advantages of people.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: I’m sorry. I’m not following.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: Well, let me draw a map for your thoughts then. You are storming on a woman to pay for wine that she did not have.

Beth: And further most, expect her to quietly sit and roll over like a prostitute from the Amsterdam district, I think not!

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: You two haven’t spoken a word all night and now you’re like, mad?

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Chris: Honestly, I can pay. I have a real birthday party to go to. So?

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: No one’s going anywhere. Because this situation has become un-tonable!

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: Actually, I am gonna go because my babysitter leaves at eight whether I’m there or not.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle leaves.]

Beth: Well, fine! He left. But that’s the only one who leaves this table. Because the rest of you will stay and hear what you need to hear. Lock the doors!

[Cut to the waitress]

Waitress: You got it!

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: What?

[Cut to everybody]

Mary: You’re going to hear the story of this woman that you’ve all decided as too pathetic to be cheated with dignity!

Heidi: Whoa!

Beth: Because every night this woman goes home to nothing and nothing!

Mary: Empty apartment. Empty bed. Empty head. And now you predators want to empty her purse as well.

Beth: She want to Sephora on her lunch break to get eyelashes put on top of her own eyelashes.

[Heidi is getting embarrassed]

Hoping beyond all reason that maybe someone would become a true friend, she has none.

Heidi: Oh, my god!

[Heidi tries to stand but Mary and Beth push her back to the seat]

Mary: And again, might I remind you that she makes much less than everyone at this table.

Heidi: I do?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Yes, but they weren’t supposed to tell you that.

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Heidi: Okay, also, I have friends.

Mary: [interrupting] Bop-bop-bop! Kandis, don’t worry about Kandis. Why don’t you leave Kandis to me.

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Seriously guys, I will pay the whole bill. It’s no big deal.

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Mary: Oh! Shall we all applaud queen Kandis? The queen of kindness and generosity?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: I wasn’t trying to be–

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Beth: And I want the entire restaurant to hear this.

[Cut to everybody in the restaurant]

Everyone turn to me! This woman who you so easily throw away like trash, do you know what she did today? Do you know what she did that none of you took the time to notice but us? She has been silently releasing wind at this dinner and said nothing because she didn’t want to miss a moment or steal any of the birthday attention.

Everybody: Wow!

Mary: Yes! So next time you decide that it’s okay to take advantage of the advantage-less, remind yourself that they’re but for the grace of god go you!

Beth: And Kandis, just so you know, and so your children will know, tonight is the night the lights went out in Georgia.

[The other people are clapping]

[Mary and Beth leave]

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: So, I guess they’re not gonna pay?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: No, they left. And they’re temps, right?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Yeah, just for a week!

[The End]