Tag: Ego Nwodim

Workout Class

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Megan Thee Stallion

Keely… Heidi Gardner

Kelly K… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Ego entering a gym. There are other people working out in there.]

Ego: Hey, excuse me. Is this Butt Day at Studio Thick Thighs and Nasty Romp?

Bowen: If it’s 9AM on a Thursday, then yeah.

Ego: Well, it’s 10 on Saturday.

Bowen: Oh. We know it’s asked and you’ll love the teacher. Everyone calls her Sargent Cake.

Ego: Oh, great. Because I’m getting married in a month and I’m trying to drag a wagon down the aisle.

Megan: Attention. For those of you who want to get that booty booty booty booty rocking everywhere, you came to the right place.  We want to get those booties ready for Halloween. Whether you’re dressing up as a sexy witch with a fat ass or a first responder with a fat ass.. Or even Jeffrey Dahmer with a— You know what I’m about to say.

All: Fat ass.

Megan: Alright. Time to sweat. Now, let’s start off in a squat and pump and pump. Now remember, with big ass comes big responsibility. If you need a modified version, turn your eyes to Keely and Kelly K.

Keely: That’s right. Any of you looking to not get a butt today, look our way. I’m Keely and that’s Kelly K. And we don’t have butts.

Kelly K: That’s right. We go from back to leg.

Keely: Y’all ever drive from Kansas to Iowa? That’s our ass.

Ego: Oh my God. They literally have no buts.

Bowen: Yeah, it’s like actually spooky.

Megan: Hey, not everybody has been butt blessed. So if you wanna go over and see Keely and Kelly K, I won’t be offended.

Ego: No. I truly want my wedding dress seems to be splitting.

Megan: Okay, well, now I’m about to end this class before we go to bed and sit on your ass. Now drop low. Drop it low. Drop it low.

Keely: And once again for my flat butt army, drop it high. Drop it high. Drop it high.

Megan: Big booty hoes, wiggle with that, wiggle with that.

Kelly K: Tiny booty hoes, get little with it, get little with it. Little, little, little, little. Sag the ass, release the tension. Sag the ass, release the tension.

Sarah: Sag the ass? I’m paying $40 to sag the ass?

Bowen: What is that even accomplishing?

Megan: Alright. For you big bum bitches, it’s time to get those wastes out. And I don’t want to see you grabbing quarter pounders. I want to see you slanging 10 pounders.

Keely: Every pancake nation, grab your weights which are your own thumbs and drop it low, drop it low. Get sexy with it. Drop it low.

Megan: Alright, my apple bottoms, grab your knees and work it. Grab your knees and working.

Kelly K: And for my weak little girlies, grab your partner and punch them in the butt. She’s your best friend, so smash that ass down.

Ego: That can’t be a real exercise.

Bowen: Yeah, I’m really regretting purchasing this a year in advance.

Megan: Alright. It seems like some of y’all getting tempted to leave me for tortilla booty worldwide over there. I mean, look how cure those little panini girls are.

Kelly K: Attention. Ham slice legion, light it up.

Keely: Oh, oh, light it up. That’s right my baby bootays. If you feel our micro cheeks bump bump your back, you’re in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang.

Sarah: Stop. You guys are like, wiping your asses on us dead real.

Ego: Ah-ah-ah, don’t even think about it. I’ll sue your flat ass.

Megan: Come on, y’all. Be nice. Keely and Kelly K are my friends. They took my class for six years.

Ego: Then you should give them their money back.

Keely: Wow. And the body shaming continues. But you’re right. We have ugly flat butts. Sorry we’re not Kardas-skins (Kardashians).

Kelly K: Our backsides are basically paper plates. We weren’t gifted with the genetics of Iggy Amellia (Iggy Azelea).

Keely: Maybe we should just leave.

Megan: No. Your depleted whoopy cushions aren’t going anywhere. In fact, I’m going to let you lead the class and erase all these asses.

Keely and Kelly K: Thanks Sargent Cake.

Kelly K: Hit our music

Keely: And if you think this is a Pirates of the Caribbean music, you’re totally right. Now…

We Got Brought

Phil… Bowen Yang

Heather… Ego Nwodim

Megan Thee Stallion

[Music video starts]

[music playing]

Phil: [rapping] My friend is going out and I’m tagging along

She’s gonna see some pals she hasn’t seen in so long

Heather: [rapping] It’s my boyfriend’s friend’s birthday and I was free

Will I know people there? He said…

Heather’s boyfriend: You’ll know me.

Megan: My sister’s meeting friends. She said…

Megan’s Sister: You’ll love ’em, I think.

Megan: I said, “I don’t love strangers, but I do like to drink.”

Alexis: Everybody, this is Phil

Phil: Hey, I’m friends with Alexis

Megan’s sister: Guys, this is my sister

Megan: I flew in from Texas

Heather’s boyfriend: And I finally brought my girlfriend

Heather: That’s me, I’m Heather Where did you three meet?

Alexis, Heather’s boyfriend and Megan’s sister: We grew up together!

Phil: Aw, they leave us at the table and they go do a shot

Heather: They ask if we’ll save their seats

Megan: We say, “Sure, why not?”

Phil: But now we’re three strangers that our friends forgot

Megan: Oh-oh

Heather: Uh-oh

Phil: Uh-oh

[Hook]

We got brought
And we don’t know each other
We got brought
So we all have to suffer

We’re all plus-ones just nodding a lot
And we all wanna leave, but it’s only 8 o’clock
We got brought

Megan: It’s hell on earth, but we try to push through
I ask, “Where y’all from?”

Heather: And I ask, “What do you do?”

Phil: And I couldn’t think of a single other question
So I also asked, “Where y’all from?”

Heather: We already covered that.

Phil: Does anyone have another question?

Megan: Okay, so what’s y’all’s trauma?

I make my escape and say I’m going to the bathroom
But this crazy bitch says…

Heather: Oh, I’ll go with you.

Megan: No, you won’t!

Phil: Is she leaving? Nice meeting you.

Now we’re waiting at the bar and no one’s coming by
And if there’s one second of silence then we’ll both die
So I reach into the depths of what I know
And I say, “Did you know there’s only been 25 deaths
at DIsneyland since 1955?”
And she says…

Heather: Only?

Phil: I say, “Never mind.”

I ask, “What neighborhood is your apartment in?”
She says…

Heather: Brooklyn.

Phil: And I say, “Oh, whereabouts in Brooklyn?”
And without skipping a beat she says…

Heather: Oh, the safe part.

Phil: Which was shocking, so I panicked,

and all I could say was…

“Oh good, I love the safe part.”

Heather: Wait, no. I said the south part.

Phil: No!

We got brought!

Megan: Your mutual ones are gone! Your mutual ones are missing!
You’re wandering in a dance club while your friends are reminiscing.

Phil: Where are our friends? Where have they gone?
Why would they bring us here and leave us so long?

Megan: You’re all out of topics and the conversation’s lazy
So you just keep on saying, “That’s crazy.”

That’s crazy

Oh really? That’s crazy
So crazy. That’s crazy
No way, that’s crazy
Wow! Crazy!

Phil: That’s crazy

Heather: So crazy

Phil: Well, it’s nice to meet you. It’s getting late.

Heather: It’s 8:05.

Phil: [screaming] I don’t want to be here anymore!

Heather, Phil and Megan: We got brought!

Hot Girl Hospital

Megan Thee Stallion

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Punkie Johnson

Marcello Hernandez

James Austin Johnson

Charlie… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro clips]

Male voice: This fall, a new medical drama for our times, it’s Hot Girl Hospital.

[Nurse pushes Heidi into the hospital on a hospital bed]

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m right here. You are in good hands.

Doctor:  What’s her status?

Nurse: 46, Female, mad as hell. She ain’t given what a game.

Doctor: Oh my god. And the fit?

Nurse: Trash.

Doctor: I need a BBM stat. 6 cc’s of Tommy T and whatever fashion nova we got.

Heidi: What’s a BBL? Just let my basic ass die.

Nurse: No, ma’am. You’re gonna be a bad bitch real soon.

Male voice: From Shonda Rhimes, and the top commenters on the shade room.s Instagram, it’s Hot Girl Hospital. The story of three everyday heroes blowing up their community, one dusty chick at a time.

Punkie: Oh girl, I gotta work on double tonight.

Nurse: Girl, I know. and I got a Weebo plasty followed by emergency twerk exam? This job, I swear to god.

Doctor: Hold up. Who that?

[4 and 5 are panicking]

Marcello: My friend, my friend. He’s been in an accident.

James: I don’t wanna die.

Nurse: Uh-uh.

Heidi: He is bleeding.

Nurse: We don’t do all that here. Leave.

Punkie: You can go, sir.

Male voice: When life is on the line, these are the three women who will answer the call, say something rude, then hang up.

Charlie: Hey, I’m Charlie, New York Presbyterian cardiology.

Nurse: Okay. But we don’t do that here. We do wigs, butts and clothes. If you want something else, you’re more than welcome to look around.

Charlie: Okay, so what kind of hospital is this then?

Nurse: Okay, so boom. Draymond Green got in trouble for punching his teammate, right? And NBA had made him do community service. So basically, he flew out a bunch of IG baddies, and put up in a building with some wheelchairs, he called it a hospital.

Doctor and Punkie: Thank you, Draymond.

Male voice: The New York Times calls it somehow empowering and regressive at the same time. And Variety says, I don’t feel comfortable reviewing this as a white guy. Five stars.

Chloe: I need to speak to Dr. Simmons. It’s an emergency.

Punkie: I ain’t talking to know Dr. Simmons right now because she fake.

Chloe: What? Can I just see a doctor please?

Punkie: I mean, you can see her. But I’m not going to get her. Nurse, where’s Janelle?

[Nurse is taking pictures of her butt]

Nurse: Huh? I ain’t talking to her. She fake. She got a little white coat, she thinks she’s better than everybody.

Chloe: Okay. Can you just page her place?

Nurse: Imagine. Imagine me saying page in Dr. Simmons. Couldn’t be me.

Punkie: Couldn’t be me.

Male voice: All of the drama. None of the appropriate response because at the Hot Girl Hospital, help ain’t on the way.

Devon: Please help. My wife’s water broke.

[Sarah screaming]

Punkie: Oh no. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Devon, is that you, Devon?

Doctor: Hold up. Hold up. Devon who be in our DMs every day?

Devon: Oh snap. What’s up?

Sarah: Do you know them?

Devon: No, baby. I’ve never seen them before in my life.

Nurse: You think you sleek? Coming in here with your white white? Talking about her water broke.

Doctor: Boy, get your lying ass on.

Nurse: Good luck to their baby. Her daddy went Aubert’s.

Male voice: And on a very special season finale.

Michael: Where’s my wife? Is she okay?

Punkie: Oh, she wasn’t okay, baby. She bad. Girl, come on out, girl.

[Heidi walks out with make up on, long hair, wearing pink revealing dress.]

Heidi: It’s giving. Thank you.

Nurse: Yeah!

Doctor: I’m proud, bitch.

Punkie: You better work it, bitch.

Male voice: Hot Girl Hospital, coming this hot girl fall.

Nurse, Doctor and Punkie: Thank you, Draymond.

Girl Talk

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Monique… Ego Nwodim

Stacy… Megan Thee Stallion

Kim… Punkie Johnson

Paul… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Willie introducing the show]

Willie: Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show where the tea is hot and the bras are off. It’s time for Girl Talk.

[Monique walks in to the show set]

Monique: Hello. I’m your host Monique Money Monique Problems. And this is girl talk. The talk show where ladies tell me their problems and I keep my advice real simple. I’m like a wise old grandma except I still look good. Ha-ha-ha. Y’all want to know my measurements? Nah, not, maybe. And as always, we got Willie in the DJ booth. How you doing DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh man, I love life. I got two girlfriends. They know about each other and they both cool with it. I’m strong and I’m happy.

Monique: Okay, good for you. DJ Willie. Thank you.

Willie: Ay, thank you.

Monique: All right, let’s get started with our first guest. Please welcome Stacey.

[Stacy walks in]

Hi. How are you doing?

Stacy: Hi, Monique.

Monique: Hi Stacey. So talk to me. What’s going on with you?

Stacy: Okay, well, here’s my problem. My boyfriend of four years just asked me to move in with him. But I’ve recently caught him cheating. What should I do?

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: You’re right. When you put it like that, I need save my coins and break up his ass.

Monique: Um-hmm. There she is y’all. Come on, give it up for Stacey. I saved another life today, y’all. Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our next guest. Please welcome Kim.

[Kim walks in]

Kim: Nice to meet you.

Monique: Okay, hi Kim. What’s going on with you?

Kim: Oh my god, it’s just everything that’s going on with the world is stressing me out. My anxiety is through the roof.

Monique: Umm. You know, this sounds like it’s about to be complex. So why don’t we get our subtitles off for any white people or men tuning in. Go ahead Kim.

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Don’t get me started.]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Pop off!]

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: First off…] Girl… [Subtitle reads: What’s going on with the situation in Ukraine?]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads:I know: How did it come to this?]

Stacey: Girl… [Subtitle reads: I’m not an expert, but…] Girl la… Girl… [Subtitle reads a long paragraph of over Stacy00 words]

Kim: Girl!

Monique: Okay, good boss. Stacy knows her stuff. Does she knows stuff or what? I will be honest, that just got a little too real for me. So why don’t you pick us back up DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh, man. I love my life. You know? My clothes are awesome. I got a cool car. I wake up laughing every morning. Because my life is better than my dreams.

Monique: Alright. Thank you DJ Willie.

Willie: Man, thank you!

Monique: Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our final guests. Paul, come on out.

[Paul walks in]

So Paul, what’s up? Why are you here?

Paul: Well, I thought anyone could come on.

Monique: They can.

Paul: Okay, so my issue is this. I’ve got a great job, but I’m worried if I don’t quit now. I’ll never pursue my real passion drawing. What should I do?

Monique:  Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Okay, so quit my job?

Monique: Okay, you know what? You’re not getting it. Stacy, you’re the one with the boyfriend, right? So why don’t you help us out? Yeah.

Stacey: I got this. Bro…

Paul: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I should quit drawing because I’m not really good at it.

Monique: Um-hmm. There we go. Boom. Third life saved, y’all.

Paul: Wow. And you’re the best. So I guess instead of saying thank you, I’ll take a page out of your book and say girl!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Monique: No, you’re not doing that. No way.

Stacey: You know where to go.

Monique: Alright, that’s our show. Play my song DJ Willie

Classroom

Ego Nwodim

Amy… Megan Thee Stallion

Devon Walker

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with students playing music and dancing in the classroom at school.]

[The teacher walks in and throws her bag on the table]

Ego: Turn that music off and sit in your seats. My name is Ms. Fink. And I will be your substitute tecaher today. Now, I don’t know what your regular teacher does during this class, but I am here to instruct and you are here to learn. And there is one more thing you should know. I believe in you. Now, I don’t care what you’ve been told your whole lives. You are not dumb. You are not a lost cause. Maybe everyone in your live thinks it’s high school, then the streets, then prison. But not me. When I look at this room, I don’t see thugs. I don’t see dummies. I see a group of young people whose is only fault was being born the wrong color in this country. So yes, you may be dumb today, but what you are tomorrow starts right here in this classroom. Am I understood.

Devon: Yes.

Amy: Yes.

Punkie: Okay.

Ego: ow, don’t be embarrassed. How many of you can read?

Punkie: All of us.

Amy: Miss, this is an honors level physics class.

Ego: This class is that?

Devon: Yeah. Every class at this school is honors level.

Amy: This is a STEM school.

Ego: Okay.

Amy: We all had to take a college level test to get in here.

Ego: Okay.

Devon: Did the principle not tell you?

Ego: Not.

Punkie: And wait, who is calling us dumb?

Ego: [singing] Nobody.

Amy: But when you came into the class, you gave that long speech and you said people were saying we were dumb. Who said that?

Ego: Okay.

Devon: And who said we were born the wrong color? What was that about?

Amy: Yeah. That sounded racist as hell.

Ego: It does now, yes. What kind of school did you say this was again?

Punkie: It’s a STEM school, miss.

Devon: Stands for Science, Technology, Engineering and Math.

Ego: Um, all subjects I know very well. S-T-E-M. But I’d like to say it stands for Students Together Achieving Much.

Amy: But miss, the word ‘Achieve’ starts with an A.

Ego: Exactly. Did we all hear that? Let’s all try to be more like Laquan Tisha.

Amy: My name is Amy.

Ego: Quiet unless called on. Now, let’s begin the lesson. Where did we leave off in the text?

Amy: Chapter 237, particle behavior and wave mechanics.

Ego: Big old book. I will read. A photon can behave both as a wave and a particle. This… da… hmm.

Punkie: Miss, it’s ‘duality’.

Ego: Now, one more time for me, baby?

Devon: It’s ‘duality’.

Ego: Detention. And that concludes the reading. Students, here’s some truth for you. Sometimes the teachers are the ones who are dumb. And sometimes they take a job not realizing it’s at a STAM school.

Punkie: It’s a STEM. With an E.

Ego: Detention. And sometimes, that makes them say and do racist. But you can’t hold them against them. Because some of these teachers did not go to college.

Amy: But miss, I thought you had to go to college to be a teacher.

Ego: Detention. The point is I believe in you. And that is why I should still get paid today. Class dismissed.

Amy: But the bell didn’t ring.

[Ego breaks the fire alarm]

Ego: Believe in yourself. [Ego is trying to run away, but she can’t open the door.] What the hell is wrong with this damn door?

Devon: Miss, the door opens in. You got to pull in.

Ego: Detention!

Weekend Update Black Ariel on Disneys LiveAction Ariel Remake

Colin Jost

Ariel… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Disney… Great transition. Disney recently made history after announcing the live action remake of “The Little Mermaid” featuring a black Ariel. Here to comment is black Ariel.

[Ariel slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Ariel: Hi. Thanks so much, Colin. You know, you can you can just call me Ariel. I don’t call you white Colin to your face.

Colin Jost: That’s my bad. So Ariel, some people online are now calling you a hero and a role model.

Ariel: Role model to who? Black girls who want to be a fish? I gotta be honest, Colin, it’s a lot of pressure. People are all like, “Oh, Ariel, you’re perfect. You’re the hero we need.” Bitch, I am normal.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I guess hero’s a lot to live up to.

Ariel: Yeah, it is. I did not ask for any of this. My mom got drunk and had sex with a tuna and now I’m here. Yo, well, y’all gotta chill with the  hero talk.

Colin Jost: Right. So I guess you’re not perfect, right?

Ariel: Honestly, worse than that. I’m kind of bad. Yeah, I grew up rich. Like, Bezos rich. My dad was the king of the sea. We had money money. I used to ride around a little see horses for fun.

Colin Jost: What’s wrong with that?

Ariel: Down there, those are just poor people. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Wow, yeah, well, that’s not great. No.

Ariel: I’m dumb too, Colin. Yes. Like stupid stupid. My brains have fish. I’m dead ass by the worm on a hook, gets me every damn time.

Colin Jost: Me too, sometimes. Ariel why are you telling us all this?

Ariel: Because I’m just trying to get ahead of stuff. For example, I hate the ocean. I’m pro SeaWorld. I met Shamu. And let me put it like this, I’m glad has ass us locked up.

Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well, I’m sure there’s some other—

Ariel: Also, supported the war in Iraq. Got nothing to do with being in the sea, just wanted revenge for 9/11 Jost. Come on, I know some of you did too, stop playing.

Colin Jost: Alright. Okay. I don’t know why you’re telling us all this but I understand there’s a lot of pressure being the hero.

Ariel: Also did the oil spill.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

Ariel: Did the BP oil spill. Yes. I ran up on that pipeline drunk as hell one night and did a little damage. Yes, to this day flounder still won’t talk to me.

Colin Jost: I’m so sorry. Well, Ariel, that was really bad for the environment.

Ariel: Oh, come on. Who cares? Sea levels are rising, salmon are dying. Good. Salmon are racist. Have you ever talked to one?

Colin Jost: No, I have not.

Ariel: Of course not. Because you’re not willing to do the work.

Colin Jost: Ariel, I thought you were just gonna come out here and you know, like, sing a little song. Don’t you have a little Jamaican crab that you sing with?

Ariel: Listen, Colin, I got a lot of crabs but they don’t sing. They are Jamaican though. Jamaican my nuts itch.

Colin Jost: Ariel, black Ariel, everyone.

Ariel: You just call me Ariel.

Try Guys

Laura Fields… Ego Nwodim

Colin O’Doherty… Brendan Gleeson

Eugene Yang… Eugene

Zack day… Zack

Keith Dismukes… Keith

[Starts with CNN TODAY intro]

Laura Fields: Welcome to CNN today. I’m Laura Fields. Let’s go right to the White House with our very own Colin O’Doherty. Colin?

Colin O’Doherty: Thanks, Laura. President Biden just reiterated his steadfast support for Ukraine after last night. I’m sorry, I’m just hearing.

Laura Fields: Colin. Colin is everything okay?

Colin O’Doherty: And that’s confirmed. Okay. Yes. Sorry, Laura. I’m getting breaking news that the Try Guys have now in fact responded to the whole Ned Fulmer situation. Wow.

Laura Fields: I’m sorry, what?

Colin O’Doherty: Well, it’s obviously an evolving story but CNN can confirm that the Try Guys have released their official YouTube video clapping back at ex-Try Guy Ned Fulmer, the wife guy try guy. He disrespected the brand by making out with one of the food babies at the Harry Styles concert. It’s a sad day indeed. Colin O’Doherty, the White House.

Laura Fields: I’m going to be honest, Colin, I don’t know what any of that is. What in the world is a Try Guy?

Colin O’Doherty: Laura, how do you not know the Try Guys? Oh. They’re BuzzFeed pranksters who try stuff. Like trying fingernail polish or weird hair cuts. Hell, they’ve even tried eating bugs.

Laura Fields: Gotcha. Back to President Biden. Russia’s escalating threats to the west with a tax plan—

Colin O’Doherty: Sorry to interrupt, Laura. This is unbelievable. I’m told we actually have the three remaining Try Guys on the line. Ready to talk? Are you there, Try Guys?

[Cut to Try Guys]

[cheers and applause]

Keith: Hello.

Eugene: Hello.

Zack: Hi.

Colin O’Doherty: Wow, first off, Eugene, Zack, Keith. It’s an honor.

Eugene: Thank you. This is— Yeah, it’s just surreal. There’s a lot of anger on this couch.

Laura Fields: Okay, welcome, Try Guys. I’m trying to understand why this story is such a scandal. Was this affair non consensual?

Zack: No. Worse. He committed the heinous act of having a consensual kiss and not telling us, his friends.

Laura Fields: I’m sorry. Why is that heinous?

Colin O’Doherty: Well, you have to remember the power dynamics, Laura. He’s a Try Guy and she’s a food baby.

Laura Fields: Right, right, right. Yeah, you’ve said that. So what now?

Keith: Well, we’ve conducted an internal review with a team of HR professionals and are no longer working with white guy wife guy try guy Ned. I don’t know what else to say. He has to pay.

Laura Fields: Okay. Wow. So the full story is that your friend had a side chick and you fired him?

Eugene: Yes, we had no choice. And we hope he has somewhere on his back with a bullet in his brain and belly.

Laura Fields: Walk. Is that a bit extreme?

Colin O’Doherty: No. Well, you have to remember Laura. You have to remember Laura, the side chick was the food baby.

Laura Fields: Yeah. You keep saying that. What is a food baby?

Colin O’Doherty: Food babies is a spin off food show on the Try Guy’s channel, you idiot.

Laura Fields: Okay, stop. Turning back to the actual news. Iran is on the cusp of a new cultural revolution being—

Keith: Cut back to us.

Laura Fields: No.

Keith: Due to the trauma we are facing, our editors are working around the clock to remove any trace of Ned from past Try Guys content. This is the battle of our lives.

Laura Fields: Bro, Jay Z cheated on Beyonce. It’s gonna be okay.

Eugene: Cut back to us. Look at me. This is the face of grief.

Laura Fields: No, it’s not.

Eugene: It is though. And just FYI, we are still going to be releasing some previously filmed branded videos. So yeah, you might see Ned in sweet green presents the Try Guys try salad with bugs on top.

Zack: And it will still be amazeballs, but it will also be sad balls. We’re all processing this horrific, violent and probably racist tragedy.

Laura Fields: Can you come back to me please

Keith: No. Stay with us. Hear this America, we will never stop bringing you the same Try Guys adventures.

Eugene: I will still be trying super weird Cambodian food. Zack will still be trying super weird Malaysian food. And Keith is still going to try wearing a thong for a week because it’s our duty.

Zack: Okay, this is too traumatic. This interview is over. Please.

Colin O’Doherty: Thank you for your bravery, Try Guys. Know that the country is with you. What’s today’s date? Whatever it is, never forget. For CNN, I’m  Colin O’Doherty.

Laura Fields: And they’re millionaires. Okay. I’m gonna go see what ketamine is all about. This has been CNN today. Good night.

[Ends with CNN TODAY outro]

Eyes

Boss… Brendan Gleeson

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Janine… Sarah Sherman

Michael Longfellow

Carl… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five colleagues in a meeting]

Boss: Alright guys, focus. Denver is counting on us to come up with new slogan for the city.

Ego: Okay, how about “Denver, sky’s the limit”?

Boss: That’s good. That’s really good.

Bowen: All right. I was thinking “Denver, gateway to the Rockies.”

Boss: All right, now we’re talking.

Janine: Ah, who even cares? [Janine is hiding her face]

Boss: Janine, you’ve had a bad attitude all morning. What’s the problem?

Janine: Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s just that nobody noticed.

Bowen: Noticed what?

Janine: Nobody noticed I got my eyes replaced. [Janine shows her eyes. It’s like a toy.]

Ego: No, no. Yeah, Janine. We definitely noticed.

Bowen: We had an emergency meeting about it the second you walked in the door.

Boss: Ultimately, we decided that legally it would be just be safest that we pretended we didn’t see it.

Michael: But  since you brought it up, why did you do this, Janine?

Janine: This is ridiculous. Nobody’s asking Luann about why she got a huge fake rack.

Ego: I literally didn’t.

Janine: Oh my god. Good for you.

Boss: Janine, I can’t help but feel you. Like, you’ve made a grave mistake.

Janine: Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s totally reversible. All I have to do is keep my old eyeballs refrigerated. Oh my god! Oh my god, no. Oh my god. I forgot to put my eyeballs in the refrigerator. Oh my god. Oh my god, no. [Janine pulls out her eyes our of her two pockers] They’ve been loose in my pockets for the last 72 hours. Oh my god, no. They’re still god, right? Can you smell them? And tell me if they’re still good. Right? And you guys are smelling them? And they’re good? I can’t see you guys’s reaction right now. I can’t read facial expressions.

Michael: Wait, your eyes are worse now?

Janine: Yes, 100%.

Ego: Then why did you do it?

Janine: To improve my appearance?

Bowen: But it looks worse.

Janine: It does? Oh my god. No!

[Carl walks in]

Carl: Hey, everybody, sorry. I’m late.

Janine: Hey, Carl, what do you think my new eyeballs?

Carl: And I’m going straight to church.

Janine: Guys, come on. Seriously? Let’s focus up, okay? We got a lot of business to take care of. Okay? Hey, how about this? “Denver City of Angels”?

Ego: That’s Los Angeles.

Janine: Oh my God, are you serious? Oh my god, no.

Bowen: Yeah, that’s famously Los Angeles.

Janine: Don’t be mean to me, okay? I can’t cry because the tears go back inside my head, and my brain will drown.

Boss: Your brain will drown? What are you talking about?

Janine: You know what? You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Today, you all put a woman’s body on trial.

Michael: You brought it up.

Janine: You know what? I came in this morning with a lot of great pitches. Pitches like “Denver, City of Angels.” “Denver, Keep Austin weird.”

Boss: You know, we can’t use that.

Janine: So I quit. And I’m leaving not in disgrace, but with dignity, elegance and class. I’m gonna be taking my portfolio with me. [grabs some cake]

Bowen: That’s coffee cake.

Janine: And of course, I will also be taking my jacket. [pulls out the curtain] And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you all a Jew. [Janine walks and hits water cooler] Oh, oh my god. Allen. I didn’t know you were in here. You look amazing. See how easy that was? To pay a compliment to a friend?

Boss: Janine, that’s not a human being. That’s a water cooler.

Janine: I’ll leave you all with this. Life comes at you pretty fast. And if you blink, you just might miss it. And me? well, I’m not gonna miss a thing.

Boss: So, “Denver, if you blink, you will miss it.”

Ego: Yeah, I love that one.

Boss: You like that one?

Rooftop Bar

Miles Teller

Mikey day

Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Tyler and Chodecork in a rooftop bar]

Tyler: Hell yeah, cloud bars hopping tonight.

Chodecork: Hell yeah. it’s gonna be a good night, dude.

Tyler: Damn right. Deserve it. I crushed work today.

Chodecork: Yes.

Tyler: God damn, I love day trading bro. I live for it.

Chodecork: Heard dude, I stand day trading bro.

Tyler: Yo, not gonna lie, girls in here tonight, decent. Lot of talent in the room this eve. Going to get my flirt on them, I squirt on, you feel me?

Chodecork: Yes, dude. Yo, lately I’ve been into like flat ass, flat chest, tiny teeth.

Tyler: Okay, yeah, not as much into the tiny teeth thing as much, but you know, I’m just looking for a cutie to make a mess with, you know? Yo, honey alert. Let’s close these two finies.

Chodecork: Oh, hell yeah. Charm never did no harm.

[Chloe and Ego walk in. They just sit beside Tyler and Chodecork. But now, Tyler and Chodecork aren’t able to speak a word.]

Chodecork: Getting drunk?

Chloe: Sorry?

Chodecork: [speaking weirdly] You guys getting drinks?

Chloe: Oh, drinks. Yeah.

Chodecork: Cool. Cool. [in ridiculous voice] Alcohol! [pokes her twice] Boop, boop. Sorry. Yeah, I love alcohol.

Tyler: [to Ego] I work in Finance.

Ego: Okay, cool. Excuse me, bartender.

5: Yeah, what do you need sweetie?

Ego: I can I get a Stella?

Tyler: Stella! Ha-ha.

Chloe: And can I get a vodka cran?

Chodecork: Ooh, cranberry. Oh-oh. UTI?

Chloe: Excuse me?

Chodecork: I don’t know. That was weird. [singing] Why am I talking like this? Put these fair maids drinks on mine tab, good miss.

Ego: You don’t have to do that.

Chodecork: Yes. With your finest top shelf liquor.

5: Okay, top shelf has a $90 up charge. That okay?

Chodecork: [high pitched voice] Oh, why so much? [deep voice] Why so serious? Batman. No, we chilling. Um, how much is the liquor three shelves down from the top?

5: All right. Let’s just do Stella. You gotta a tab?

Chodecork: Yeah, name is Nick Chodecork.

5: You got to speak up, hun.

Chodecork: Nick Chodecork. It’s a VMA debit.

5: Okay, Chodecork? Got it.

Tyler: So you guys are friends?

Chloe and Ego: Yeah.

Tyler: Black and white? Hell yeah. I’ll clap for that.

Chodecork: Yeah. So, let’s chat. Did you guys buy your clothes at a store or online?

Chloe: Store.

Ego: Store as well.

Tyler: We all like stores. Yeah.

Ego: I mean, it depends on which one. Is she almost back with the drinks?

Tyler: Depends on which one. Okay, very cool. You like some stores, you like other stores? You’re like, I don’t know. I don’t know. Might not go in there.

Chodecork: Yeah.

Chloe: I mean, yeah.

Tyler: Yeah, that’s interesting. Very, very cool. Stores, yeah. Whoo!

5: Chodecork, your card was declined.

Chodecork: Please run it again.

Tyler: What are y’all streaming? Y’all watch Stranger Things?

Ego: If you’re asking if I watch Stranger Things, then yes, I do.

Tyler: Yes. I’m running on back gear. [singing]

Chodecork: [pointing at Chloe’s breasts] Boobies. I’m sorry. [singing] Why did I do that?

Tyler: I work in Finance.

Ego: Yeah. You said that?

Tyler: Ha-ha-ha-ha. You guys would like come over to our apartment?

Ego: Wait, you’re roommates? You guys are like, 40.

Tyler: Yeah. Good one.

Chloe: Let’s just got to the patio bar. Nice talking.

Chodecork: Yeah.

Chloe and Ego: Bye.

Chodecork: Yeah. [Chloe and Ego leave] Yo, how did that happen, bro? Your game was on point.

Tyler: I know dude, right? Like I’m in a mad dry spell right now. No joke. It’s been 11 years since I did it. But like on purpose, you know?

Chodecork: Yeah. I mean, I’ve never done it. So I mean, I guess the last time was like, I’ve been waiting my whole life I guess. I don’t know. Should I just like give up?

Tyler: No. Let’s do a lap.

Chodecork: Yeah, most that.

Caribbean Queens

Trinity Summers… Ego Nwodim

Deseret Wingo… Heidi Gardner

Leah… Punkie Johnson

Gordy… Myles Teller

Brock… Kenan Thompson

Frank… Devon Walker

[Starts with Trinity Summers and Deseret Wingo dancing and drinking cocktails in a bar]

[music playing]

Both: Hello. We’re moving. We’re moving. We’re moving.

Deseret Wingo: Oh, welcome to Caribbean Queens.

Trinity Summers: My name is Trinity Summers.

Deseret Wingo: And I am Deseret Wingo. And we are coming to you live…

Trinity Summers: And hungover…

Deseret Wingo: From Grabbers Resort and Spa where the party never stops.

Trinity Summers: You know, we met on Spirit Airlines on the way over. Yeah, we came over here for a week long vacation but we’ve been here for five amazing months. We’re doing a little eating, zero praying and a whole lot of loving.

Deseret Wingo: Plus, you know what? It’s off peak, which means there’s no sun, but there’s also no women younger than us.

Trinity Summers: Yeah, we’re bragging. Yes we are. Okay, now play our song.

[music playing]

Now our theme song is of course by the greatest Musician of the last Deseret Wingo00 years, Mr. Billy Ocean.

Deseret Wingo: No man sing so good, they named the ocean after him. Which brings us to the first segment of every show, Google if Billy Ocean is still married.

[Trinity Summers and Deseret Wingo start googling]

Trinity Summers: Ah, he is.

Deseret Wingo: Still?

Trinity Summers: That bitch.

Deseret Wingo: Well, bless their love, and that means I need a drink. Please welcome our favorite bartender, Lisa.

Trinity Summers: Hey, Lisa.

[Gordy walks in with drinks]

Leah: Hey, my name is Leah. But that’s okay.

Trinity Summers: We love her.

Deseret Wingo: We’re so close.

Trinity Summers: We’re like family.

Deseret Wingo: We don’t even tip her.

Leah: But you could.

Deseret Wingo: Now our next segment is what we got up to this week?

Trinity Summers: We went parasailing, shorts fell off. Jet skiing, shorts fell off. Breakfast bar, you know our shorts fell off.

Deseret Wingo: All right. Well, our guest today, as always, are some hunky guys we met last night that we’re now going to speak to in the light of day.

Trinity Summers: That’s right. We’re gonna see if the sparks are still sparking. Come on out Gordy and Brock.

[Gordy and Brock walk in sipping cocktails]

Gordy: Hey ladies, looking good.

Brock: Yeah, looking well lit but still good.

Deseret Wingo: Okay, so you remember us?

Brock: Yeah, we do. I just don’t remember if it was like fun or like “Oh-oh!”

Trinity Summers: It was both.

Deseret Wingo: Little bit of both. So we want to know more about you. You said last night you were a sports agent.

Brock: I sell catheters.

Deseret Wingo: Well, hook a girl up.

Trinity Summers: And I’m trying to remember what you said your job was? Lawyer.

Gordy: White rapper.

Trinity Summers: Oh, okay. I love white rap.

Gordy: Well, I do rap and reggae too. I go by Swaggy, that’s White Swaggy. [singing Shaggy’s verse] Life is one big party when you’re still young

Trinity Summers: Okay, I’m ready to go. I’m ready to go.

Deseret Wingo: Yeah, I’m poppin, okay? So all right, it’s time for the final vibe check. Let’s see if the vibes are still vibin.

[music starts playing. They start dancing]

Deseret Wingo: Okay, this is nice. Oh, get it a little closer to me. Oh, Trinity, my guys got a hardy.

Brock: No. No, I don’t.

Trinity Summers: Well, let me just check mine. Okay, he’s growing, all right. It’s getting there.

Gordy: Oh, my bad.

Trinity Summers: No, baby. It’s a good thing.

Trinity Summers: Okay.

Deseret Wingo: Oh, I think we’ve got to wrap this show up before shorts fall off?

Leah: Oh, get it ladies. You two are the proudest, oldest skanks I’ve ever seen.

Trinity Summers: We love you too.

Deseret Wingo: Okay, now play us out Billy’s little brother Frank Ocean is here.

Trinity Summers: Yeah, give it to us, Frank.

Frank: Yo, I keep telling you, we are not related.

Trinity Summers: Oh, come on. Just get over here and sing the damn song.

[everyone start singing]