Tag: episode 21

Final Encounter Cold Open

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Natasha Lyonne

Colleen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with three people being held for investigation in NSA office]

Morris: Well, hello once again. [cheers and applause] I am agent Morris with the NSA and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are a great interest to the US government as the bulk of you have experienced a third verified alien abduction.

Cecily: I mean, this is wild cuz we were just three gal pals road trippin to a hot sauce Expo. Now we’re VIP guests at the Pentagon.

Natasha: Yeah, and I just like to say for the record, Pentagon has always been my favorite shape. So this is a real treat for me.

Fitzsimmons: All right, good to hear. Now let’s start with how you were all brought into the spacecraft.

Cecily: Um, well we had pulled over on the side of the highway just to stretch our legs and suddenly I was like enveloped by this warm blue light.

Natasha: And it gently lifted us up onto the ship like we was floating. Well, then we met these aliens made pure energy. Almost like angels sir. I just about cried.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty?

Colleen: [smoking] Yes, same.

Morris: Oh, really.

Colleen: No, obviously not. Yeah, I wasn’t so much gently lifted as I was yanked skyward by some kind of claw machine device. And mind you, I’m popping squat on the median at the time. So I slide right out of my slacks and I’m being rocketed up to the ship with my coot-coote prune shooting, yeah. I barely managed to pull my Wonder ware backup.

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry, your wonder wear?

Colleen: Yeah, I call them that because if you saw him, you’d wonder where they’ve been. Anyway, so I get dumped on board the bottom of the ship and I see my old pals, a little grey aliens with the big dumb eyes and it hits me, “Colleen, this might be the most stable relationship you ever had.”

Morris: Well, that’s unfortunate. Now once you were on board, what happened?

Natasha: While the aliens, they showed us like the five elemental forces that knit the fabric of reality together. And y’all never believe this but those five forces were arranged in a pentagon.

Cecily: And there’s a universal language that like, bond’s the universe together. The closest word we have to describe it is love.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty.

Colleen: A little different down in third class. I get on board and the grey aliens, god bless them, they’re already standing in line waiting about my knockers around. So I think what the hell, play the hits, right? I started on buttoning my blouse, but I’m still in my skivvies which are real loose. So my yeasty and my beastie are in full view. Listen, not to get too graphic but pubic-ly speaking, it’s is a jungle down there. I got more hair poking out the sides than a hipsters beard stuffed into an n95. I’m not proud of it but hey, why clean the house and nobody’s coming over, right?

Morris: Thanks, Ms. Rafferty for that detailed account? Now? What happened next with the energy beings?

Natasha: Well, aliens showed us how an infinite number of realities can coexist at once.

Cecily: Yeah, and like how, all the different realities converge in this one spot where all the love of every being exists forever. It’s kind of what we would call heaven.

Colleen: What? All right, no, these are these two are hanging with Dr. Strange in the multiverse. Meanwhile I’m stuck with the Madness, okay? Because back in economy, word is out about my hairy squatter and the greys are all buzzed, okay? These clowns are pointing at Madame their hair, and they’re kind of— They’re elbowing each other. Like, “Hey, are you guys seeing this?”

Fitzsimmons: So the group’s reaction was one of excitement?

Colleen: Yeah, like when a dog— Like a dog when its owner comes home from work. Whoo! It was bedlam, okay? They’re running around. They’re waving their arms like Kermit the Frog. Making weird little noises like [making noise] And then one of these little bastards runs up, and I’m sorry Carla, I gotta use you here. Plucks one, yeah. Plucks one right out, start showing it off. And suddenly my curlies have become the must have item of the season. And they’re flying out the shelves. These morons are grabbing and grabbing, climbing all over each other like my bush is the last lifeboat on the Titanic.

Morris: And were you unsettled by this at all.?

Colleen: No, honestly, the entire time all I could think was “Damn, that fortune teller was dead on.” Did you guys get any that pube stuff?

Cecily: No, no pube stuff. Sorry.

Colleen: Hey, don’t apologize. First time in my life, I’m ready for bikini season.

Morris: Wow. Again, very detailed. Well, how are you returned to Earth?

Cecily: So there was another self light that washed over me and I was instantly just back to where I was before.

Natasha: Oh, it was like waking up from an amazing dream.

Colleen: Okay, see now, that really rips my nips. Because I had to climb down a GD rope ladder that was too short. Right? So I dropped 20 feet and I land ass up with my dong haul and my wrong haul out in the middle of a field.

Fitzsimmons: And what happened next?

Colleen: the umpire called timeout. And the mid security staff took me out of the stadium. Look not the most embarrassing thing I’ve done on a Jumbotron.

Morris: That was a riveting testimony. But there is something you should all know. We’ve been in contact with the beings.

Fitzsimmons: They have offered the US government access to some of their technology if one of you agrees to go with them permanently.

Colleen: Well, I can read the room, it’s me right? Sure. Why not? I always kind of felt like an alien on this planet anyway.

[a door opens. It’s dark here and very bright behind the door. Colleen walks to the door.]

Well, Earth, I love you. Thanks for letting me stay a while. [two aliens come out and look around] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

ESPNs First Take NBA

Molly Coram… Chloe

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Kendrick Perkins…. Kenan Thompson

Michael Rapaport… Natasha Lyonne

[Starts with four people on First Take set]

Molly: Welcome to first take ESPN home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Coram here with the outspoken Stephen A. Smith

Stephen: Molly, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, this right here, this is a good morning.

Molly: And former Boston Celtics big man, Kendrick Perkins.

Kendrick: Steve a day, I’m sorry brother but you wrong on this one. This is actually a great morning, okay? Historically, it goes this morning right here, and then the morning when Jesus came back, and then where we at right here is three. All right, let’s carry the hell on.

Molly: Glad we got that sorted. And also joining us is New York super fan and occasional guest, the always outspoken Michael Rapaport.

Michael: Yo, yo, yo, what up, my leagues? I make this quick because I got a long day ahead of me walking around my neighborhood, waving my arms like a frickin idiot and yelling in my phone. But listen, you guys are wrong, okay? God, you’re so frickin wrong, alright? Because it’s a frickin spectacular day. Don’t rangers are in the playoffs. The Yankees are in first place. And the Jets are undefeated because the season hasn’t started.

Kendrick: Oh, there’s a diss. You’re dissing now.

Molly: Guys, let’s remember, it’s 10 AM. Our audience of unemployed dads is just waking up. Okay? Four teams are left in the NBA playoffs and everyone is talking about Dallas vs. Golden State Luca Doncic. vs. Steph Curry. So who you got Doncic or Curry?

Stephen: Molly. I’ve thought about this question very deeply. I’ve consulted with my family, my friends and my doctor. And today, I must declare that I got Steph Curry because he’s the greatest shooter of all time. And he can, and Molly, I’ve personally seen him do this, shoot a ball from San Francisco into the first class seat on an airplane, and stay with me, six hours later the ball switches into a basket at Madison Square Garden.

Kendrick: Stephen, with all due respect, Steph Curry is the worst player to ever play the game of basketball. I made sure he scored 30 last game but my man Luca got a 40 piece, and then he pulled down eight biscuits and threw in some extra sauces. Okay, your man Steph is too short. The boy needs a ladder to comb his own hair.

Molly: Michael, you’re the tiebreaker. Steph or Luca?

Michael: Yo man. I’m not even watching the playoffs.

Molly: I thought you were a huge fan of basketball.

Michael: Yo, you’re freaking wrong about that. Look, I’m a fan of Knicks. And it’s not basketball. It is players playing in layups off the bottom of the frickin rim. It’s fans catching foul basketballs. It’s leaving the game 20 minutes early and twice as frickin angry. That’s the real NBA you frickin worms.

Kendrick: Come on. That ain’t real NBA.

Molly: Guys, guys, please calm down. We just got a noise complaint from the church across the street. Alright, let’s get back on track. Dallas is number two in the league scoring defense which brings us to our next big sports question, is a hot dog a sandwich?

Stephen: Molly, this is the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make and my grandmother spent four months on a ventilator. That’s why we don’t attend city listening tour in Wienermobile. And today I can say without a doubt that a hot dog is a sandwich for that one forever, Amen.

Kendrick: No, no no. Steven A, somebody that go oops upside your head. A hot dog is a sandwich in the same way cereal is a soup.

Stephen: Oh, cereal is a soup. Cereal is a soup.

Kendrick: It’s not even close. Come on, now. Soup is only a soup because you got to cook it.

Michael: Oh, is that right? Oh, you got to cook soup, huh? Well, I got one boy that’s gonna knock the beard right off your frickin smug face. Because Gazpacho, oh! Oh, I guess somebody forgot the friggin cuisine of Spain, and that’s sports.

Kendrick: Hold on. Gazpacho ain’t no soup. That’s just a salsa that went to finish school. Let’s go.

Molly: Okay, guys, let’s take a break so our airport bar viewers can order another morning beer. When we come back, we’ll ask the sports question on everybody’s mind, does Bigfoot exist?

Kendrick: Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. That stinky little freak walked into my house one time, and then I shave him down. And we went to the club.

Stephen: Oh come on.

Michael: Ay, invite me next time, alright?

After High School

[Starts with students enjoying their senior prom]

DJ: All good things must come to an end including this prom. But we got a couple of songs left, so let’s make a count. Class of 2002, how are you all feeling?

[everyone cheering]

[slow guitar plaing]

Andrew: Hard to believe it’s been 20 years since that night. After graduation, we all went our separate ways. But I still like to think about my old friends and smile.

Shelly Heinz graduated first in our class, then went to Harvard, where she graduated dead last. I guess our high school just wasn’t that good.

Tessa White got married, and two beautiful daughters and one fat ugly son.

As for Rachel Finster, well, the less said about her the better.

Dana Miguel made good on her promise to hike the Appalachian Trail. She remains missing to this day.

Trina dash played D1 soccer in college and won a national championship. She should have been happy, but she never got over Rachel Finster sleeping with her dad.

Darius Caldwell eventually made it to the pros. Professional pornography. He’s worked with all the greats, even Rachel Fenster.

As for Carly Hill, she moved to West Virginia after high school and married a minor. A coal miner, who was 16 years old.

Billy Wendell followed his dreams. Unfortunately, he only dreamed about killing his grandparents.

Dougie Finnegan never stopped inventing things. And eventually, one of those inventions made him rich. Fentanyl. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Rachel Fenster Sure has.

Class sweethearts, Becca and Robbie made a vow to lose their virginity that night. And they both did to the DJ.

Some people are happier stories like Natalie Turner, who was granted the first gay marriage license in the state. We all went to the wedding. Even Rachel Finster, who was there protesting with their hateful church. Some years later, Jeff Ahmed reached out to Rachel to try to talk some sense into her. And it worked. They started dating and eventually moved in together. His body was never found.

Some of our friends surprised us. Carla Andretti followed her mother’s footsteps all the way to the US Capitol building on January 6th.

And how can we forget Amy faltan? Well, I’m not sure how, but we all did. Just completely forgot about her. Like she didn’t exist.

And then there’s Peter Liu, who left a huge mark on Broadway after he threw himself off the roof of the Winter Garden Theatre to protest the governors.

Herschel Williams, he became a writer. His first book, “Friend of the devil: Growing up with Rachel Finster: was a best seller.

Time took us all in so many different directions. For a brief moment, we were all there together, dancing the night away, with our whole lives ahead of us. Except for me, I was murdered by Rachel Finster, and my soul cannot cross over until she is brought to justice.

50s Baseball Broadcast

Lyle O’ Riley… Mikey Day

Diz Newsome… Sarah Sherman

Walt… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with commentators in Yankee Stadium, 1951. The video is black and white.]

Lyle O’ Riley: No score as we head into the bottom of the 3rd Yankees White Sox. Lyle O’ Riley for WNYC radio alongside Hall of Famer Diz Newsome.

Diz Newsome: Gorgeous day for all ballgame.

Lyle O’ Riley: It is. Before we get back to the action on the field, let’s go to Walt Hall for a word from our sponsors. Walt?

Walt: WNYX Yankees coverage is brought to you by Shmack Men’s department store. Hey, where’d you get that Blaine brown suit and plain brown hat? Why? Shmack Men’s of course. Now back to the ballgame.

Lyle O’ Riley: Thank you. Walt. Diz, glad you made it in today. I understand you were feeling a little under the weather this morning.

Diz Newsome: Oh, yeah. Stuffy head, sore throat, the works. So luckily my doctor prescribed me this new cold medicine called methamphetamine. Yeah. It just knocked my cold right out.

Lyle O’ Riley: Well, glad you’re feeling better.

Diz Newsome: Oh, I’m excited. I’m feeling chatty. Like I could talk about everything forever.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right, well, this methamphetamine medicine did the trick. And Gene Wendling comes to the plate. 15 for 25 this season against lefty pitches.

Diz Newsome: I mean not bad for an alcoholic.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right. Don’t say that, Diz.

Diz Newsome: Hey, you see now Wood Ling’s wife. Mama Mia. Okay. 22 years old. The tush on that woman like soldiers hair cut, high and tight.

Lyle O’ Riley: Alright, let’s not talk about another man’s wife like that, Diz. And here’s the pitch.

Diz Newsome: And it’s out of here.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, except it’s not. Pop fly directly over home plate.

Diz Newsome: You know what? I’m gonna take another cold pill so I don’t get stuffy.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay, sounds good Diz. Jolting Joe DiMaggio is headed to the plate. Or should I say Mr. Marilyn Monroe.

Diz Newsome: How the hell did Joe DiMaggio, the ugliest son of a bitch in baseball snag that bra?

Lyle O’ Riley: Alright, watch the language, Diz.

Diz Newsome: I mean, you know he’s Italian, right?

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay.

Diz Newsome: Italians aren’t even white.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay. Please don’t say that, Diz. And here’s the pitch. Lne drawn past third.

Diz Newsome: And it’s out of here.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, it’s not. It is not. But DiMaggio easily makes it to first.

Diz Newsome: Ah, yeah. Question. How much money would you pay to sniff Marilyn Monroe’s bedsheet?

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay. I’m not going to answer that because that is inappropriate.

Diz Newsome: Oh, no, it’s not. Inappropriate would be something like “How do you fit for hookers on one chair? You turn it upside down.”

Lyle O’ Riley: Oh my god. No Diz. How about a sponsor ID, Walt?

Walt: Today’s coverage is brought to you by Micha the businessman Scotch.

Lyle O’ Riley: Thank you, Walt. One out. Runner on first and rookie Mickey Mantle is coming to the plate.

Diz Newsome: Another boo sound.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right. A lot of folks are saying this kid’s power reminds them of a young Babe Ruth.

Diz Newsome: I mean, yeah, the story about Babe Ruth in Cleveland, right? [phone ringing] [oh phone] Hah? Of course. [hangs up the phone] Well, the station manager told me not to tell the story about Babe Ruth. It’s real shame because it’s wanted.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay, maybe lay off that cold medicine, Diz. Mantle squaring up at the plate.

Diz Newsome: Hah! What the hell, right? Okay, so, Ruth’s down the road in Cleveland.

Lyle O’ Riley: Pitch is low by one.

Diz Newsome: I mean, it’s about midnight after the game. Babe is drunk as a skunk, looking for what else? Horse and hotdogs.

Lyle O’ Riley: Please stop and right winds up.

Diz Newsome: Okay, so nothing’s open and Babe is starving.

Lyle O’ Riley: The pitch ball two.

Diz Newsome: So he sees this little street kid about 10 years old and Babe Ruth, he ate him.

Lyle O’ Riley: No. No. He did not.

Diz Newsome: Babe Ruth was so hungry that he ate a child alive.

Lyle O’ Riley: No. He did not. And is ball three.

Diz Newsome: He did.

Lyle O’ Riley: He did not.

Diz Newsome: He did. Clothes and all.

Lyle O’ Riley: Babe Ruth was famously kind to children. 3-0 is the count.

Diz Newsome: Well, he ate one.

Lyle O’ Riley: No.

Diz Newsome: Hey, if you’re listening to this and you’re in your car, and you’re stuck in traffic, I have an idea. Just gun it.

Lyle O’ Riley: Don’t do that.

Diz Newsome: Slam the gas and see what happens.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, he’s joking. Don’t do that.

Diz Newsome: I’m not.

Lyle O’ Riley: Ball four, bases loaded.

Diz Newsome: You know, I have some observations on different races.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, no, no. Let’s hear from our sponsor.

Walt: I kind of want to hear this.

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Trump Tower Meeting

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the senate released over 2,000 pages of testimony regarding a 2016 meeting at Trump Tower with a Russian lawyer, here to comment are first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes. Colin, thanks for having us. Eric, what do you say when you’re a guest at someone’s place?

Eric: I’m sorry. I missed the toilet.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, bud.

Colin Jost: That’s a great start. Now, Don Jr., many in the media are speculating their calls made to a blocked number before and after your Trump Tower meeting were actually calls you made to your father.

Donald Trump Jr.: You know, this may sound crazy, Colin, [Eric is copying every movement Donald Trump Jr. is doing] but the dishonest media is being dishonest.

Eric: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Donald Trump Jr. turns to Eric and gives his hand for high-five. But Eric raises his hand and turns away trying to copy what Donald Trump Jr. is doing.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, it’s a high-five, bud.

[Eric kisses Donald Trump Jr.’s palm]

Alright, baby steps, buddy. Colin, as I’ve repeatedly said, I never spoke with my father about that harmless little meeting.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you don’t remember whose blocked number that was?

Donald Trump Jr.: No.

Eric: I do. You said, “Siri, call dad.”

Donald Trump Jr.: No. I did not, Eric. How could you possibly even remember that?

Eric: Coz I have pornographic memory.

Donald Trump Jr.: Bud, it’s photographic memory. Okay?

Colin Jost: Let’s just get back to the meeting for a second. Now, some democrats are calling on the judiciary committee to subpoena your phone record.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And they need to give it up because there is no collusion here. You know, Colin, I’m reminded of some words of wisdom my father gave us as boys. He sat us down, he pointed to a framed picture of the designs for Trump Tower and said–

Eric: Look at all the hidden swastikas.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Eric, you wanna play with your play dough, buddy?

Eric: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: Play dough. there you go. He’s really into play dough lately. The bottomline– [Eric is just smiling and staring at the play dough] Bud, the whole thing. You don’t know how it works? [teaching Eric how to play with it] Look, you put some play dough in here, right? Now, push the lever down. Come on. Push it down. Look at that. It makes noodles. [Eric is amazed] Yeah. That’s what it does, buddy. Keep cooking. I’m hungry, chef Eric. [Eric acts like he’s playing with his mustache.] He did a chef. Proud of you. The bottom line Colin, is that this is just another desperate attempt by the liberals to undermine all the great work my father is doing in the white house. [Eric eats the dough] Eric! Did you just eat play dough, bud?

Eric: No. [There is play dough all over his mouth.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Do not eat play dough. it’s bad for you, buddy. [Donald Trump Jr. gives his hand to Eric’s mouth] Spit it out. Let’s go. Spit it out. There you go.

Colin Jost: Well, thanks for stopping by.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. I feel like it was a success. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. This was great.

Donald Trump Jr.: We better get going. We have a big day tomorrow. I’m having lunch with some new clients from Indonesia.

Eric: I’m going to see “Paw Patrol” on ice.

Colin Jost: Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Weekend Update- Bishop Michael Curry

Michael Che

Bishop Michael Curry… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The unexpected star of this morning’s Royal wedding is Chicago Bishop Michael Curry who delivered a lively sermon that British journalists called “Unconventional.” Here to explain is Bishop Michael Curry..

[Bishop Michael Curry slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh! What’s up, Michael? Oh, thank the lord above. It is good to be back around black folks again.

Michael Che: So, how was it?

Bishop Michael Curry: Did you see it? Oh, it was tough, man. Real tough. I preached and I testified and I yelled while 500 stuffy people looked at me like I was farting in an elevator.

Michael Che: Yeah, I feel for you, man. what did it feel like up there?

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, man, it felt kind of like somebody opened up a chicken and waffle skios in a middle of a pottery barn. And I was working it, Michael. I’m up there giving my all, and a sea of white faces is just looking back at me and I thought, “Oh, lord, help me. This must be what it’s like to be Darius Rucker.”

Michael Che: I take you’ve never done a royal wedding before.

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, of course I have, Michael. I’m a black preacher from Chicago. The biggest wedding I ever did was Scotty Pippin.

Michael Che: Well, despite the crowd, your sermon got great reviews.

Bishop Michael Curry: That’s coz it was all about love. Love is great. Love is redemptive. Love can change the world. And love is what makes a Subaru a Subaru. Subaruuuu!

Michael Che: You’re comfortable, man. I think you did great. But some people said it went on too long.

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, that’s nonsense. They told me I have five minutes. But the good lord multiplied it into a cool 16.

Michael Che: Well, you did great and whole world knows your name now.

Bishop Michael Curry: Yeah. I’m really excited. When you’re a black preacher who becomes famous, you need to get your phone tapped by the FBI or audited by the IRS. I’m looking forward to it. Praise Jesus.

Michael Che: Bishop Michael Curry, everybody.

Weekend Update on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Royal Wedding

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of the Royal Wedding at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: Earlier today, “Suits” actress Meghan Markle married some unemployed dude who still lives with his grandma.

[Picture changes to New York city and marijuana leaves.]

A report has found that 86% of the people arrested in New York for marijuana possession are black or latino. Well, duh, we’re the only ones they search. That’s like saying the only people that have STDs are the people that take test for STDs. We’re not the only ones that carry drugs. If cops searched white dudes in cargo shorts as much as they search black dudes in hoodies, prison would look like a Dave Matthew’s concert. You know, people always talking about deed in diversity in Hollywood? You know where we really need diversity? Jail! Forget about Oscar so white. How about prison’s too black? Colin?

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of map of Arlington city at left top corner.]

Michael Che: What? A new report has selected the fittest city in the country to be Arlington, Virginia. While the least fit city in the country was once again, Man Boobs, Lousiana.

Weekend Update on One-Year Anniversary of Robert Mueller Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Well, Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of the start of Robert Mueller’s investigation which is the first anniversary Trump actually remembered. He jus asked his wife [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet where he calls his wife “Melanie.”] Melanie. And for those of us following this investigation, it’s been an exhausting year. It actually ages a person. I mean, here’s a picture of me and Che now. [Cut to picture of Colin Jost and Michael Che] And here’s a picture of us from last year. [Cut to picture of Lucas and Eleven from Stranger Things.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

I think with Russian investigation, ultimately what you think about the investigation really depends on what you think of Trump. It’s sort of like, when you hear this. [Picture changes to “What do you hear? Yanny/Laurel.”] Yeah, like, some people hear Laurel while some idiots hear Yanny. Lot of Laurel fans. That’s sort of how it is with the Russian investigation. If you like Trump, this is kind of what you hear.

[Cut to a vide of Donald Trump speaking, but the sound is a voiceover.]

Voiceover: It’s a witch hunt, that’s all it is. There was no collusion.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But if you don’t like Trump, this is what you hear.

[Cut to a vide of Donald Trump speaking, but the sound is a voiceover.]

Voiceover: I’m getting away with it, bitches!

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump posted a sarcastic message on the anniversary of the Mueller probe saying [cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Congratulations America, we are now into the second year of the greatest Witch Hunt in American History.” [Cut to Michael Che] You know what? It is pretty great. Personally, I like how unfair and mean spirited it is. It’s not everyday that a black man can root for the Feds, but I am really enjoying this. I feel like I’m watching [Picture changes to Rachel Dolezal] Rachel Dolezal get kicked out of Starbucks. Okay. I’m for that.

[Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani.]

Rudy Giuliani claimed that his legal team has been told off the record of an informant in the Trump campaign which is hilarious. Coz Giuliani is like one of those rappers that sings about all the people he shot and then he finally gets locked up for it and says, “Yo, I think somebody snitching.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Shawn Hannity at left top corner.]

It was reported that president Trump talked to Shawn Hannity almost every night before bed. Wow, I never thought I’d say this but poor Shawn Hannity! Can you imagine a worse voice to hear right before you go to sleep? Just heavy breathing mixed with the crinkling of the cheese burger wrappers? Was that a flush? Also, Shawn Hannity is a journalist. Can you imagine if Obama had been calling Anderson Cooper every night before he went to bed? I mean Anderson can. I just think Hannity loses a lot of integrity as a journalist if he ends his night saying, “No, Mr. President, you hang up.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Bolton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: North Korea issued a statement condemning national security advisor John Bolton saying they do not hide their feeling of repugnance toward them. Which I can get because look at him. He looks like he still calls Jazz jungle music.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un.]

Trump promised protections for Kim Jong-Un if he makes a deal during their meeting but warned if talks fall apart, he would decimate them. You know, real Noble Peace Price stuff. Reminds me of Martin Luther King’s famous speech, “Dream a nightmare, take your pick.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Bill Gates at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New footage was released of Bill Gates talking about a meeting with president Trump in which Trump asked him if HPV and HIV were the same thing. Adding, “And which is the one that shows Property Brothers?” For real, Trump asks this of Bill Gates on two separate occasions. So, you know, homie got HPV.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Homie? Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump attended the ribbon cutting ceremony of the new US embassy in Jerusalem. Or as they call a ribbon cutting cutting ceremony in Israel, a bris.

Weekend Update Offensive Jokes

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of a goat, hedgehog and American Airlines logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: American Airlines has revised a guideline to ban passengers from bringing goats and hedgehogs on board as emotional support animals. Meanwhile, over at Spirit Airlines, it’s still a full on Noah’s Ark.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a moon at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A non-profit group has announced plans to create a library on the moon. “Cool,” said kids in Chicago.

[Picture changes to a kindergarten classroom]

Police in Philadelphia said that a six year old girl in a kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student’s backpack. The student was bringing a cocaine in for showing, [yelling] “Tell, tell, tell!” That’s a nice one.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: That’s nice.

Michael Che: That’s sweet one.

Colin Jost: That was a sweet one.

Michael Che: Kids on cocaine. That’s sweet.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s really sweet. Well, this is the last episode of our season and there were a lot of jokes we tried this year. And some of them were deemed too offensive to do on air.

Michael Che: So we decided that since it’s the end of the year, we’re gonna do some anyway. How about that?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Boy Scouts of America’ logo at right top corner.]

The Boy Scouts of America agreed this week to allow girls into their organization, coz somebody gotta sow those badges on. Now, again, these jokes are offensive and that’s why we won’t tell them on air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of restroom doors with women posters on them.]

Colin Jost: These are the ones we won’t be telling. A restaurant in Texas has created a controversy by putting pictures of Bruce Jenner on the men’s room door and Caitlyn Jenner on the women’s room door. Even worse, they called the handicapped door, “Rob.”

Michael Che: Now, you can’t do that joke.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a police car at right top corner.]

You can’t do that. You can’t do that on TV. Pennsylvania police arrested a one armed woman who was trying to rob a bank. Police said the hardest part was figuring out how to handcuff her. Now, that’s– that’s just– you can’t say that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Hamilton and Ponhub logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, you can’t. Pornhub has released– this is exciting– has released it’s parody of the musical Hamilton. And in the porn version, Hamilton absolutely throws away his shot.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of marijuana leaf at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York Daily News published an editorial calling for New York to legalize marijuana saying that the current law has primarily hurt people of color. But since it is the Daily News, the headline read, “Pot cigs catch nigs.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Went better than when I did it. Jocelyn Wildenstein, the plastic surgery obsessed woman known as Cat Woman has filed for bankruptcy. But don’t worry about Jocelyn, from the looks of her this is one cat who always lands… on her face.

Michael Che: Oh-ho!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Have a great summer. Goodnight.

What I Did For Trump

Sarah Palin… Tina Fey

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Sarah Palin in the White House.]

Sarah Palin: Hello, it’s me. [cheers and applause] It’s me, the ghost of Sarah Palin. No, I’m just kidding. I’m still alive. But you had to think about it, didn’t you? Here is a refresher. I was the first female on a republican presidential ticket and now I get paid to tweet for Bass Pro Shops. Take it from me, politics is a wild ride. One minute you’re on top and then you’re gone in a blink of a Scaramucci. Well, I have a message for all the people in the Trump White House. Enjoy your moment. Who knows how long it will last?

[music playing]

[singing] Kiss today goodbye
the sweetness and the sorrow
wish me luck the same to you

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, hi, Sarah.

Sarah Palin: Oh, hey, Sarah.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, isn’t it funny that our names are both Sarah, when we’re both classic Beckies?

Sarah Palin: Oh! You’re doing good though. You’ve lasted longer in the White House than most.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, I know. But all my friends are gone. You know. It’s like saved by the bell the new class and I’m screeching, I’m just still there for some reason.

Sarah Palin: Sarah, what if today was the last day you were working for Trump?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hmm…

[singing] Kiss White House goodbye
and point me towards FOX News
I did what he said to do
and I might regret what I did for Trump
what I fed for Trump

[Kellyanne Conway floats down from the above]

Kellyanne Conway: [singing] What, I am my regard
and as we travel on
and we’ll always remember, okay?

[Michael Wolff walks in]

Sarah Palin: Aww.

Michael Wolff: Sarah, how are ya?

Sarah Palin: Hey, Michael Wolff. You were everywhere after you wrote that book “Fire & Fury.” Then you kind of disappeared, didn’t ya?

Michael Wolff: Well, I’m gonna be back because I’m writing a book about Jared and Ivanka. Did you know they’er actually the same person? That’s why you never see them together.

Sarah Palin: Is it true?

Michael Wolff: Yeah, sure, whatever.

[singing] I won’t say I lied
all of a sudden we care about facts
but juke was mine to borrow
oh, come on, you love it
I did what I had to do
won’t regret, you’ll forget,
what I did for Trump

Sarah Palin: Miss Stormy Daniels, everybody.

[Two men carry Stormy Daniels by her arms and brings her in]

Stormy Daniels: [singing] Gone, they wish I were gone
as time travels on
I will be remembered

You can check out my ted-talk on sex value politics. Or catch me on my star sprinkled boner to earth this weekend at “Squeeze and Splat Pals.”

[Rex Tillerson walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Rex Tillerson: Howdy, y’all?

Sarah Palin: Aw, Rex Tillerson. You were fired months ago. You look great!

Rex Tillerson: Oh, yeah. Being fired by Trump was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m the only man ever to go into a situation on scaith and come out unscaith. Trump was the biggest mess I’ve ever dealt with and I work for Exxon Mobil.

[singing] Kiss today goodbye
and point me toward tomorrow

Sarah Palin: Point him towards tomorrow

Rex Tillerson: You do what you have to do
don’t forget, I regret
what I did for Trump

Stormy Daniels: What I did with Trump

Sarah Palin: I would work for Trump.

Oh, hi, Omarosa.

[Omarosa Manigault walks in]

Omarosa Manigault: Look, Trump thinks he fired me but I fired myself.

[singing] Kiss my ass goodbye
and point me towards a book deal

All: We did what we had to do
won’t forget, can’t regret
what I did for Trump
what I did for Trump

Sarah Palin: Nothing wrong with doing dancing with the stars. Just don’t do a quick step on the first week. It’s too darn hard.

All: What I did for Trump