Tag: episode 21

Tina Fey Audience Questions Monologue

Tina Fey

Jerry Seinfeld

Benedict Cumberbatch

Chris Rock

Robert De Niro

Fred Armisen

Anne Hathaway

Donald Glover

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey.

[Tina Fey walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Thank you, guys. It is so great to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. We’ve had a lovely time here this week. In fact, I realized it’s been 20 years since I started working here. [cheers and applause] Yeah. And I got here on Monday. And people in the crew came up to me in the studio and said, “Welcome home.” And it just made me feel so bad that I didn’t remember their names.

Also, kind of exciting, yesterday was my birthday. [cheers and applause] Yeah. I turned 60. No. Not really. I just say that so that people will be like, “Wow! You look amazing.” And since it is my birthday this week, they said that I could do anything I wanted for my monologue, so I would like to take some questions from the audience. So, does anybody have a question? Yes, you sir.

Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, hi. I have a question. [cheers and applause] Do you think the show has too many celebrity cameos these days? Because I’m worried the cast isn’t getting a chance to grow.

Tina Fey: Um, yeah. I agree. Actually, I think it kind of hurts the show a little bit. Thank you. Um, yes, you sir.

Beck Bennett: Um, yes–

Tina Fey: [interrupting] No, sir, I’m pointing at the man behind you.

[Beck Bennett walks away. Benedict Cumberbatch is behind him.]

[cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Yeah. Is Kenan Thompson gonna be on the show tonight?

Tina Fey: Um, yeah. Kenan will definitely be on the show tonight.

Benedict Cumberbatch: He’s great. But have you ever thought about replacing Kenan with a slightly more famous person? It could be fun.

Tina Fey: Ah! I don’t think that’s been suggested. But I’ll pass it along. Thank you. Yes, anyone else? Uh, yes! Right over there, sir.

Chris Rock: Ah! Never mind. [cheers and applause] He already asked my question. [pointing at Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tina Fey: Oh! Yes, you, sir.

Robert De Niro: Yeah, I just wanted to ask [cheers and applause] with all of the make up, I mean, could you tell that I was Robert Mueller?

Tina Fey: Yes, Mr. De Niro, we knew that was you. Yeah.

Rovert De Niro: Okay. Okay. That’s a relief because this could be, you know, a big break for me.

Tina Fey: Yes. Oh! Yes, hey. it’s Fred Armisen. Okay.

[cheers and applause]

Fred Armisen: Hi, Tina. I have  question. Do you think it’s weird that so many former cast members hang around the show all the time?

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah. It just seem to be a lot of us. But I don’t know. Does it seem weird to you?

Fred Armisen: No. I think it’s great!

Tina Fey: Yeah, but doesn’t a part of you feel like, “Oh, when we come back we take up time that should go to new people on the show?”

Fred Armisen: You know what? That’s a good point. I guess we shouldn’t take up all that time that the new people could be using. You look great, by the way.

Tina Fey: Oh, thanks. You look great too.

Fred Armisen: Thank you. I’m on this whole new program. I’m walking a lot. And I’m trying to do more of regular sleep schedule. I’m drinking a lot of juice.

Tina Fey: Sounds really healthy, Fred.

Fred Armisen: It’s so important. Next time you’re in LA, I’m gonna take you to my juice guy. He’s Brazilian. He only speaks Portuguese. He does this thing where he puts a lot of the pulp in the juices so you get more of the fiber. Otherwise, you know, you’re just getting the sugar and the water. And that’s not enough. The fiber is what your body really wants. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. The new people. They should get more camera time. Yeah.

Tina Fey: Yeah. Oh, yes. Over here.

Anne Hathaway: Hi. [cheers and applause] So, that was actually Robert De Niro?

Tina Fey: Um, yes. Yes, it was.

Anne Hathaway: [gesturing her mind blown] Wow!

Tina Fey: Yes! Another guest, over here.

Jerry Seinfeld: Hi, yeah. Me again. How come you haven’t asked me to play anyone from the news? I literally live down the street.

Tina Fey: Yeah. That’s a great question. I don’t know why they haven’t asked you to play someone from the news. I’m not in charge of that.

Jerry Seinfeld: I mean, what about Steve Mnuchin? People say I look a little bit like him.

Tina Fey: Do you want to play Steve Mnuchin?

Jerry Seinfeld: I don’t know who he is, but if I look like him, you know? Give me something to do.

Tina Fey: Okay. Well, there’s a sign up sheet in the hall. Anybody else? Oh, yeah.

Donald Glover: Yeah. Hey. [cheers and applause] I was here a couple of weeks ago and I forgot my hat. I think I left it in the host dressing room.

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah. I think I saw that. I’ll try to get that back to you.

Donald Glover: Okay, cool. But just so you know, I have this system in place. So I’ll be able to tell if you wore it or not. So…

Tina Fey: Okay. Well, if there are no other questions, then I guess we are done.

[Tracy Morgan walks on stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: No, we are not, Tina. Well, if you thought I was gonna forget to surprise you on your birthday, you are crazy. On behalf of everyone here and everyone watching at home, or at a bus station, happy birthday Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Aw, thank you Tracy. My birthday was actually yesterday though.

Tracy Morgan: No surprise, girl. If your man isn’t making you feel special today, I will. If your man isn’t giving you what you need today, I will.

Tina Fey: Okay, Tracy. You’re friends with my husband, Jeff. You worked together for a long time.

Tracy Morgan: Nah! When it’s birthday, all bets are off. You’re 60, baby. That’s gross, but I love you.

Tina Fey: I love you too, Tracy. We have a great show for you tonight. Tracy, you know who’s here?

Tracy Morgan: Who?

Tina Fey: Nicki Minaj is here.

[cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: Nicki Minaj is here?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, I’mma get that pregnant.

Tina Fey: Alright. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Talent Show

Devin… Mikey Day

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Principal Rigen… Kenan Thompson

Roberta… Tina Fey

Susan… Melissa Villaseñor

Leslie Jones

Devin… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Devin and Tyler performing in a talent show. They’re both wearing karate gee. Tyler is holding a fort and Devin is about to hit it.]

Devin: Using the raw power of my right hand, I will chop this fort in half.

Tyler: Wait, Devin, what if you hit my chest and my heart stops?

Devin: Good point. Never mind, we withdraw from competition because we are afraid.

[Devin and Tyler bow. Principal Rigen walks in.]

Principal Rigen: Okay. let’s give it up for Devin and Tyler. Ha-ha. [audience clapping] Right. Devin and Tyler. Two 18 old boys terrified by a piece of wood. Ain’t that nice. Ha-ha. Alright now. Up next is Susan Turners performing with her mother’s last PTA majority whip, Roberta Turners.

[Roberta and Susan walk to the stage]

Roberta: Whoo! Hello! Livingston high school, class of 2018, how we doing, Lions? Rawr! Fun. Anyway, I am Roberta.

Susan: I am Scissors.

Roberta: She is Susan.

Susan: Don’t run with me. I’ll poke your eye out.

Roberta: Okay. Spooky! Susan’s going through a bit of a phase. I’m sure all your parents can understand that.

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No, my son is his own person and I respect his choices.

[Cut to Roberta and Susan]

Roberta: Okay. Wow, you really hung me out to dry there. Well, everybody, we are performing the very same mother-daughter routine that we did at her first grade talent show. [sobbing] Oh, my god. Okay.

Susan: For the record, I wanted to do a different song.

Roberta: Okay. The song choice is final. DJ, hit it.

[music playing]

[Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Roberta: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “Where you gonna live your life right?”

Susan: [singing] Well, maybe I just wanna live my life wrong
Bill Gates never went to college, mom!

Roberta: Okay, stop. Susan, can I speak to you in private?

[Principal Rigen walks in]

Principal Rigen: Ha-ha, okay. Alright. Little mother-daughter moment there folks. They’ll be back momentarily. Ah, now, some of y’all might be wondering, “Why is Principal Rigen’s allowing this to continue?” Well, the answer is, Roberta and I have a sexual relationship. And, yeah, the phrase ‘no strings’ was throwing around a lot at the beginning. Yet here I am obligated to assist. Isn’t sex funny like that to y’all?

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No. Sex isn’t funny. It’s beautiful and sacred.

[Cut to the stage]

Principal Rigen: Okay, so you just disagree with everybody? Huh?

[Roberta and Susan walk to stage again]

Roberta: Sorry for the disruption. I think Susan might be a little hermonal.

Susan: Argh!

Roberta: Okay. DJ, hit that track.

[music playing]

[Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Susan: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “I can’t drive you to the protest, Susan. I have book club.” Mom?

Roberta: Alright. That’s enough. Okay, Susan, may I have a word with you in the wings please?

Susan: Argh!

[Principal Rigen walks in again]

Principal Rigen: It’s like, you know, one day we just banging, you know? But then the next day, it’s like, “Hey, can you take Susan to school? You already going there, right?” And then it’s like, “Oh, I’m getting groceries now. Alright.” And now I’ma be making a fool out of myself. Well, you know what? Why don’t we just move on to the next act. Give it up for Dylan and his amazing invisible box.

[Devin walks in. He acts like he is putting his hand on the box, then stepping on it. Then he leaves the stage.]

Principal Rigen: Well, I mean the booty is worth it. You know? Like, the booty is worth it, y’all.

[Roberta and Susan walk in]

Roberta: Okay, okay. Now, Susan has generously agreed to cooperate. DJ, play the song.

Susan: Yeah, Brandon, play the song.

[The DJ plays the song “Chop Suey” by System Of A Down.]

Roberta: Oh, Susan, turn this off right this instant.

Susan: [singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: Stop. This is last warning. I’ll call the authorities. [looks at the audience] Everyone’s nodding. I think they love it.

[The audience are doing the headbang]

I think I love it.

Susan: There’s a part where you come in at mom.

Roberta: We’re doing this together?

Susan: Yeah.

[singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: You wanted to

Oh, this song is fun. I like this.

Royal Wedding

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

DeShawn… Chris Redd

Kate Middleton… Cecily Strong

Prince Charles… Beck Bennett

Queen Elizabeth… Kate McKinnon

Meghan’s uncle… Kenan Thompson

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Amber… Heidi Gardner

Sefdevin… Tina Fey

Russell Brand… Pete Davidson

Elton John… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Prince Harry making video at Royal Wedding Reception at Frogmore House]

Prince Harry: What’s up? It’s your boy, Harry Windsor, a.k.a., grown sleezely. Yeah. Official wedding video, 2018. It’s 2 AM, royal reception still going strong. Meghan’s out in the hallway trying to stop some of her white relatives from getting in coz they’re mental. But let’s see who’s hanging out. Right? Everybody’s here. Right?

[Prince Harry walks to 2]

What about you? What’s your name?

DeShawn: DeShawn.  I’m from Meghan’s side of family.

Prince Harry: Alright. I kind of figured that, right? How are you feeling tonight?

DeShawn: Um, outnumbered but good, man.

Prince Harry: Yeah.

[3 walks pass]

Oh, sis-in-law, Kate Middleton, right? You look a little tipsy, Kate.

Kate Middleton: Well, yeah. You know, for the past six years, I’ve been like, pregnant the whole time. So, I’m going hard tonight.

Prince Harry: Yeah. I can tell. I can tell. How much have you had to drink?

Kate Middleton: One glass of champagne, whoooo!

Prince Harry: Lightweight, lightweight. [turns around and sees his father] Oh, there he is. My dad, Prince Charles himself. So, pop, you proud of your youngest son?

Prince Charles: Yes.

Prince Harry: Anything else you’d like to say?

Prince Charles: No.

Prince Harry: Okay, then. Alright. Um, look at this combo here. Meghan’s great uncle talking to my grandmom, the queen of England. [They are sitting at the dining table]

Uncle: [he is drunk] Ay! Harry, man, I was just telling her majesty here that she has got to start watching “The Crown” because they make her look like a bitch on that show. Girl, they’re doing you dirty.

Queen Elizabeth: See, this gentleman has also said that I must visit Philadelphia.

Uncle: Yes! You got to visit Philly, man, and get some real food. Some Philly food.

Prince Harry: Alright. Little drunk. Good luck with that. Oh, now, get a shot of my brother William, the party animal right here.

[Prince William is drinking tea.]

He looks 50 years old.

Prince William: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: Hey, how you doing? Chilling alone? Right? Right? What are you drinking, mate?

Prince William: Virgin Hot Toddy.

Prince Harry: So, a tea then. So sorry to hear that your hair could not make it.

Prince William: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha. Brilliant! What a brilliant boy.

Prince Harry: Come on, dance, mate.

Prince William: No. I’m okay.

Prince Harry: Wills, come on. It’s my reception.

Prince William: Well, I suppose I could pass a few.

Prince Harry: There you go.

[Prince William and Prince Harry dance for the camera for some time.]

There you go.

Prince William: Oh, no. Grand mom just saw that. Bullocks!

[Queen Elizabeth is staring furiously at them]

Prince Harry: It’s alright. It’s my fault. Grandma, my fault.

Prince William: Apologize to grand mom.

Prince Harry: Enough family. Let’s go this way. Let’s go see the sheep sheets. We’ll say hi to the rando table. Every wedding’s got one. It’s the people who show up even though you didn’t think they would. Right? So, we’re gonna go say hi. It’s the polite thing to do. So, follow me. [Prince Harry walks through the door] Come on. Here we go. [walks to guests at the table] Alright, hello. How are you?

Amber: Hi.

Prince Harry: How are you doing? You friend of Meghan?

Amber: Yeah. I’m Amber. I worked with Meghan on “Deal or No Deal.” We were briefcase. We were briefcase girls together. I brought my briefcase. [she shows a briefcase to Prince Harry]

Prince Harry: You did. She brought the briefcase. Alright, that’s not sad at all. That’s very cool. I love it. [Prince Harry walks to another guest] Oh, let me guess, you’re from the groom side.

Sefdevin: Yes. I’m Dr. Sefdevin Pon Comp. Your father’s uncle once removed, married my mom who is his cousin. So, I am both your aunt and your niece.

Prince Harry: Lovely.

Sefdevin: Last I saw you, you were we wee boy. it was after polo match in comp.

Prince Harry: Alright, stop saying comp.

Sefdevin: And I was kicked in the face by a horse.

Prince Harry: Oh, yeah. Aunty Creepy. Oh, my lord. Dad used to say if we were bad, we’d have to come live with you.

Sefdevin: Ha-ha-ha. Right, he was because I’m the monster and bit of a paedophile.

Prince Harry: Okay. Wish you well here. Thank you for coming. Here’s your hat. That’s concerning. Alright, let’s go to the celebrity table. Russell Brand!

Russell Brand: Yeah!

Prince Harry: Alright. That’s all. And oh, sir Elton John. Yeah!

Elton John: [singing] Hold me closer, tight,
coz we’re here

Prince Harry: Yeah. Very clever. Yeah. You enjoying yourselves?

Elton John: Look at my jacket, Harry. What do you think? I’m having a wonderful Saturday! [singing]

Prince Harry: Singing the heat. Alright. Oh, he’s an American celebrity, miss Leslie Jones.

[Prince Harry walks to Leslie Jones.]

Yeah? Thank you. Leslie, tell everyone why you’re here.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. So, I started tweeting about the wedding 2 days ago. And then I got invited. Just like the olympics. That’s my thing. I might be at that North Korean meeting. We’ll see. Where Oprah at? Oh, there she goes. [yelling] Oprah!

[Leslie Jones walks away]

Prince Harry: Okay. This is wild. Oh-oh! Look what’s going on over there. Aunt Creepy! [His aunt is kissing DeShawn] Alright, watch out. She is a paedophile. Alright, I need to stop DeShawn from making the worst mistake of his life. Royal 2018. Prince Harry Markle, signing off, right? Yeah!

Pervert Hunters

Dana Millbrook… Tina Fey

Beck Bennett

Director… Mikey Day

MUA… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with “Dateline” show video bumper]

[Cut to Dana in her studio set]

Dana: I’m Dana Millbrook. Everyday, millions of perverts attempt to buy sex online. It’s a disgusting industry that fuels human trafficking and we’re doing our part to stop it. This is pervert hunters.

[Cut to a guy getting in a kitchen. The video is taken by a hidden camera.]

Dana narrating: This creep thinks he’s meeting a Romanian prostitute name Svetla. Let’s see what happens when he meets me instead.

Guy: Hello? Svetla?

[Dana walks in]

Dana: Hi, there. Why don’t you have a seat?

Guy: Um, wait, who are you?

Dana: We’ll get to that. What’s in the bag?

Guy: Um, none of your business.

Dana: Hmm. [looks through the bag] Looks like beer, condoms and what’s this? Cookies? Hmm. I wonder if they serve jukies in cail– Oh! Crap.

Director: And cut!

Dana: Sorry, cookies in jail. Duh! So sorry.

[Director walks in]

Director: No, no. It’s fine. It’s fine. [meeting Guy] Hi, I’m Mitch. The director.

Guy: A director? What is this?

Dana: Oh, you’re on a pervert show. it’s “Pervert Hunters.”

Guy: Pervert Hunters? The show where they catch online creeps?

Dana: Yeah. You’re the creep we’re catching in this episode.

Guy: Argh!

Director: Yeah. And we need to get that entrance again.

Guy: Oh, god.

Director: Because someone has a big old logo on their shirt. [Guy is wearing Jack Daniel’s shirt] I will have to blurr. Go ahead and just zip up this hoodie.

Guy: Ah! I made a mistake. I didn’t– I won’t do it again. Please.

Director: Oh, my god. I love that energy. I love it. Save that. But let’s get that entrance again and then we can talk about how you’re not guilty. Okay?

Guy: Okay.

Dana: And Mitch, I might change my entrance. I didn’t love it.

Director: Okay. All good. But Dana, what am I going to remind you?

Dana: Get out of my head.

[Guy walks outside with his bag to do the entrance again.]

Director: Thank you. Pervert, whenever you’re ready, okay? Ready, and action!

[Guy walks in.]

Guy: [sobbing] Hello, Svetla.

Director: Cut. Dana, can you–

Dana: Yeah, I’m on it. Pervert, remember. At this point you still think you’re gonna have sex with the prostitute. So, no crying.

Guy: I’m sorry. I’m not like an actor or–

Dana: Oh, you’re doing great.

Guy: Oh, thanks.

Director: Okay. No crying this time, pervert. [Guy walks out again] And action!

[Guy walks in]

Guy: Svetla? Hello?

Director: Perfect.

[Dana walks in]

Dana: Svetla will have to take a rain check. Have a seat.

Guy: Wait. Who are you?

Director: Cut! So, sorry. I just wanna move you so your face is towards camera. Okay. And actually, his face is a little shiny. Can we get some make up?

[Make up artist walks in and does the make up on Guy]

MUA: Oh my god, Mitch! This pervert is sweating a lot.

Guy: Sorry. I–

Director: Well, we’ll just shoot around it, okay? We gotta move. We’re losing light. Okay? And action!

Dana: So, what’s in the bag?

Guy: None of your business. I’m sorry. Can we cut?

Dana: What’s wrong? I thought that was great.

Guy: Well, at this point in the show, I don’t know who you are, right?

Dana: No. Not yet.

Guy: Okay. Then I wanna do that a little differently. Could you give me the line into it?

Dana: Yeah, of course. Maybe do three in a row.

Guy: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Director: And action!

Dana: What’s in the bag?

Guy: [softly] None of your business. [raising voice a little] None of your business. [different voice] None of your business. I just want to give options.

Dana: Yeah. Second one was great. Looks like beer, condoms and what’s this? Cookies? I wonder if they serve cookies in jail. [laughs] Sorry.

Director: Okay, cut.

[Dana and Guy are laughing]

Dana: You know, I’m sorry. I just remembered how I messed it up before. It got me–

Guy: You got me started. I’m sorry. Ha-ha-ha.

Director: Okay, I love that you guys are having fun. Okay? But we need to get this before our next pervert.

Guy: Right.

Dana: Sorry. Serious. Serious. Okay.

Director: Okay. No giggles this time, you two. And action.

Dana: I wonder if they serve cookies in jail.

Guy: All never do it again. It’s just that, well, I’m a lonely man. And I was weak. I’m sorry.

Dana: Save it for a judge, creep.

Director: And cut! I think we got it. Wow. Pervert, I really felt something there at the end. That’s amazing.

Guy: Thanks. Thank you so much. That ‘save it for the judge’ line. That was amazing.

Dana: No. That was all you. You brought that line out of me.

Director: Well, I think that’s a wrap on our pervert.

[everyone clapping]

Guy: Ha-ah. Stop that. Come on, guys. Thank you so much. Seriously. I’ll be watching.

Dana: Aw, one more time for our pervert.

Director: Yeah.

[everyone clapping]

Guy: Alright, see ya’.

[Guy walks out the door. Two policemen jump on him as soon as he gets out.]

Police: Get on the ground, creep!

Morning Joe

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Meghan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Natalia Veselnitskaya… Tina Fey

[Starts with “Morning Joe” intro.]

[song playing]

[Cut to Joe and Mika. Mika is drinking a smoothie.]

Joe: Yeah, good morning.

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Oh, that’s an original song by guess who?

Mika: Oh, who?

Joe: Mua, Joe Scarborough.

Mika: Oh, my god.

Joe: Ha-ha. It’s called “World of Insanity.” Mika loves it.

Mika: Everyone already knows this but Joe has a band.

Joe: Yeah. That’s right. We’re called Scarborough. Pretty sick. We play that at “Prohibition” on Friday. The audience was just packed with MSNBC interns. Welcome to “Morning Joe.” It’s like crossfire that took place in the cafe car of an amtrak. I’m Joe, that’s Mika.

Mika: And joining us as always is Norman Rockwell painting come to life, Willie Geist.

Willie: Good morning, guys.

Joe: Alright. We got a great show. Mika has added two new exasperated groans to her repertoire.

Mika: Oh! Stop that!

Joe: Seriously. Watch this.

Mika: Don’t! Don’t do it.

Joe: Devin Nunes says that publicly naming members of the FBI is a patriotic act.

Mika: Ghaah!

Joe: Ooh, ha-ha. I love that one. Very nice, Mika. Very nice.

Mika: I cannot.

Joe: Okay, here we go. Trump said anyone who didn’t vote for Gina Haspel for the CIA is not a feminist like he is.

Mika: [squeaky voice] Oooh!

Joe: Oh, ha-ha-ha. This tea kettle’s about to blow, baby.

Mika: And the level of hypocrisy–

Joe: Off she goes.

Mika: — is unparalled on this or any other time. And I can’t. And I [squeaky voice] aaaah!

Joe: Hey, she’s got a third ground but that’s only for daddy. Ain’t it?

Mika: Would you stop? [Joe and Mika look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re horrible.

Joe: You’re worse.

[Willie is confused]

Willie Geist, the White House still hasn’t apologized for the outrageous remarks about senator John McCain.

Mika: It’s outrageous.

Joe: Special assistant Kelly Sadler made a tasteless joke about McCain who was very sick.

Mika: Unconscionable.

Joe: Now, joining us is a woman who I’m sure has been hurt by this. Meghan McCain.

[Cut to Meghan McCain in her home.]

Meghan: Hi, Joe.

[Cut to split screen with Joe, Mika and Meghan]

Joe: Meghan, such a pleasure to have you on

Mika: It’s a pleasure.

Joe: Now, these comments about your dad are frankly disrespectful.

Mika: Vile.

Joe: What is your reaction here?

Meghan: Well, I–

Joe: [interrupting] Because from where we’re sitting, your dad is a hero.

Mika: Truly.

Joe: I mean the man was tortured for six years.

Mika: I have his picture on my fireplace.

Joe: So, tell us. What are you feeling right now.

Meghan: I am–

Joe: [interrupting] Because I would be hurt.

Mika: Me too.

Joe: I would be outraged.

Mika: I mean, I am.

Joe: It’s a terrible time but you’re holding up great.

Mika: Youre amazing, Meghan.

Joe: Meghan McCain, thanks for joining us. And hang in there, okay?

[Cut to the show set]

She’s a peach, ain’t she?

Mika: Yes. She’s  beautiful woman.

Joe: Well, she’s no Mika mouse, I’ll tell you that.

[Joe and Mika look into each other’s eyes intimately]

Mika: Yeah?

Joe: That’s right.

Mika: You wanna play peekaboo with your Mika mouse?

Joe: You bet I do.

Mika: Yeah? [Joe covers his eyes. Mika stands and moves close to Joe and puts her breasts near his eyes.] Peek-ah-boob!

[Willie is fully confused]

Joe: Mama-sita.

Mika: It’s okay.

Joe: Well, the senate has just released thousands of pages about that June 2016 meeting between the members of the Trump campaign and Russians who said they had damaging information on Hillary Clinton.

Mika: Wow!

Joe: President Trump says he knew nothing about the meeting.

Mika: About?

Joe: Yeah. Here to explain is the Russian lawyer who is there, Natalia Veselnitskaya.

[Cut to Natalia in her home]

Natalia: Greetings, Joe and Mika. I’m so happy to clear this up.

[Cut to split screen with Joe, Mika and Natalia]

Joe: So, Natalia, Don Jr. thought you had some secret information on Hillary Clinton. That’s collusion, isn’t it?

Natalia: No, Joe. They say this meeting is illegal but it’s so ridiculous. It makes me laugh hysterically. [laughing]

Mika: Miss, Veselnitskaya, now, did Donald Trump know about this meeting?

Natalia: Of course not. The meeting was top secret held at an undisclosed location in Trump Tower, three floors below apartment of Donald Trump.

Mika: Right. So, the meeting with Trump campaign took place in Trump Tower with Donald Trump Jr. and Donald Trump knew nothing about it?

Natalia: Well, when you say it like that, it sounds like idiot. But, yes.

Joe: Alright. So, tell us exactly what happened in that meeting?

Natalia: It was also harmless. I go to Trump Tower. It is beautiful place with tourists and shops that sell cologne and fancy chocolates. It’s like a very tall duty free store. Then you go upstairs to meet Don Jr. who was very mysterious man. You don’t know where his chin ends and his neck begins. Then the meeting begins by handing out the customary Russian gift– um, my English not good, the rectangle with the money, bribe. Then I say, “My name is Natalia. I am lawyer who can help Mr. Trump to make lots of money from Russia.” They said, “We already have one of those. His name is Michael Cohen.” And then they leave. Very easy meeting. Very fun. And no one was poisoned.

Joe: Well, I guess that settles it. Natalia Veselnitskaya, thank you.

Mika: Thank you. Let’s take a break. As we go out, here’s a preview of Joe’s new single, “Circus fun.”

Joe: Ha-ha. Available on iTunes, gang.

[Cut to “Morning Joe” outro. “Circus fun” song playing in the background.]

 

Donald Trump Robert Mueller Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Waitress… Heidi Gardner

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with Donald Trump walking into a Holsten’s Restaurant in Bloomfield, NJ. He takes a seat and a waitress comes to him.]

Waitress: Oh, my god. Mr. President. Welcome. Is it just you?

Donald Trump: No, I’m meeting some friends.

Waitress: Okay. Great. [passing Donald Trump the menu] Well, let me know if you have any questions.

Donald Trump: I do, actually. Is HPV different than HIV?

Waitress: I’ll give you a minute.

[Donald Trump looks at the small jukebox on his table. He puts a coin and plays music.]

[Rudy Giuliani walks in and takes seat on the same booth.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hey.

Donald Trump: Hey.

Rudy Giuliani: How are you doing?

Donald Trump: So, Rudy, did you go on FOX News last night?

Rudy Giuliani: Like, 20 times, yeah. Don’t worry, I told them that you are openly colluding with Russia but then I ended with, “So what?” It should all be fine. Yeah.

Donald Trump: Thanks, Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani: I even confessed to some crimes you didn’t do. And then I said, “What are you gonna do? Arrest the president? I dare you. Ah!”

Donald Trump: Okay! I think they get the point. [Donald Trump holds Rudy Giuliani’s hands] Rudy, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.

Rudy Giuliani: Hey, you’re the best client I’ll ever have.

[Michael Cohen walks in and takes seat on the same booth.]

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, there’s my guy.

Rudy Giuliani: So, how was work today?

Michael Cohen: Ah! You know, really bad. Mostly just prepared to go to jail and stuff. He said I might get 20 years unless I give you up.

Donald Trump: I’ve heard jail’s fun.

Michael Cohen: Fun?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Just like camp. Plus there’s free gym. Dude, you’re going to get so jacked.

Rudy Giuliani: They’re giving up programs in jail where you can get a real law degree. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Cohen: Well, you can always come visit.

Donald Trump: I would but golf.

Michael Cohen: Anyway, you got to focus on the good times. Isn’t that what you once told me boss?

Donald Trump: I did?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. Remember? That’s why you told me to keep a copy of that Russian Pee-tape.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I gotta remember the show that is on clip on CNN tomorrow. Don Lemon’s gonna love that.

Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump holds Michael Cohen’s hand] Hey, whatever happens, I’m proud of you, Michael.

Michael Cohen: Thanks. I love you too.

Donald Trump: I didn’t say that.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks in.]

Don Jr.

[Donald Trump Jr. takes seat in the same booth.]

So, where is Eric?

Donald Trump Jr.: He is still parallel parking outside.

[Cut to Eric trying to park his tricycle.]

[Cut back to inside the restaurant]

Donald Trump: You know, I couldn’t think of three people I’d rather be here with tonight. A best son and two of my last 15 lawyers.

Michael Cohen: Hey, [raising his glass of soda] to a great first year of the Russian investigation.

Rudy Giuliani: And many more.

[They all raise their glasses]

[Robert Mueller walks in and takes seat in another booth.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, maybe tomorrow I can show you that Chinese deal we didn’t talk about.

Donald Trump: Yeah, yeah. That sounds great. [whispering] Is that Robert Mueller?

Michael Cohen: Oh, and good news. You know that woman who is suing you for groping in defaming her? I found a guy who is willing to threaten her kids.

Donald Trump: Yeah, that sounds great, Michael. [whispering] Am I the only one that sees that guy? [pointing at Robert Mueller]

Rudy Giuliani: And hey, hey, I think I figured out a loophole where they can’t legally subpoena you. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘faking your own death?’

Donald Trump: Uh, yeah, sure. Rudy, we can look into that for sure.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, are you okay?

[Robert Mueller walks pass them and points at Donald Trump. Nobody sees him except Donald Trump.]

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Chicago Improv

Alex Moffat

Tina Fey

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Luke Null

[Starts with video clips of “Chicago Fire.”]

Male voice: You love “Chicago Fire”, the greedy drama about the brave men and women in the windy city. And you couldn’t tear your eyes away from Chicago PD. Now, Dick Wolf is back with a new drama about another group of Chicago and struggling in the face of an unforgiving city.

[A group of young people gather together]

Alex: You guys ready?

Tina: Let’s do this.

[The group walk to the stage]

Male voice: It’s Dick Wolf’s “Chicago Improv.” An unfiltered look at the cut through world of the Chicago’s Improv comedy scene.

Tina: All we need is a suggestion of household object. Anything you have around your house.

Audience: Dildo.

Tina: Okay. Um, something other than dildo please.

Audience: Two dildos.

Male voice: Unflinching in its depiction of the real lives of the Chicago Improvisors. Dialog ripped from real life improv classes.

[Cut to Alex and Mikey arguing about their improv]

Alex: Hey! Great object work out there.

Mikey: Oh, yeah. Coz all of your sweep edits were perfectly timed.

[Melissa walks in sobbing]

Melissa: [yelling] Stop it! We’re all in the same Herald team.

[Chris walks in from the door]

Chris: Guys, you know who’s in the audience right now?

Male voice: “What the hell was everything they just said?” asks The New York Times. And the Boston Globe wonders, “Who is Greg Amico? Should I know who that is?” Watch as people wearing plaid balance love and ambition in America’s number three comedy market.

[Cut to Alex running into Tina in the streets]

Alex: I heard you’re doing standup now?

Tina: Just some open mics.

Alex: I guess you’ll have what you wanted. Stage all to yourself.

Tina: Hey! How many people from Torco even make it to main stage?

Male voice: I don’t really know who the bad guys is here.

[Cut to the team having fun in a room. Mikey walks in.]

Mikey: Guys, I booked it. I’m filming two commercials for Lou Malnati’s.

[Everyone is speechless and angry. Chris walks towards him clapping slowly]

Chris: Congrats… Hollywood.

Male voice: “The only show with real Chicago faces and bodies… I wanna see pretty people” complains the Hollywood Reporter. While USA Today says, “The fire imagery was misleading.”

[Cut to the team performing]

Tina: [acting handicapped] My name is Jakie Jake and I was born in a log cabin.

Male voice: “Did Dick Wolf lose a bet? Why did he make this?” asks the Wall Street Journal. “Too much improv” says Improv Magazine. If they didn’t like it, you’re gonna hate Dick Wolf’s “Chicago Improv.”

Wrestle Mania PromoWrestle Mania Promo

Director… Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mutt… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Beck Bennett

[Starts with filming of wrestling event promo]

Director: Okay. Moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our next two wrestlers in there. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

[Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt walk in]

Trashyard Mutt: Wow! Alright! Good to see you, man. Good to see you again.

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah. Hey. Good to see you. Right back at you, brother.

Director: Hey guys, it’s a normal 30 second promo. We can start whenever you are ready.

Trashyard Mutt: Great, thanks man.

[Director leaves]

Hey, fair warning. I might get a little harsh with some of the stuff I say. Its just kind of my thing. So…

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah, yeah. Completely understood, man. Well, let’s have a good one. And oh, give me all you got.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, great.

Director: Okay, set?

[Host walks in behind them]

And, action.

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors. Director and Coco Watchout. and it doesn’t get much uglier than a rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right, Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: You’re darn right. And when I get my paws on him, it’s gonna be dinner time for old Mutt. And it looks like tonight’s main coarse is a big heaping sticky pile of loser. [barking]

Host: What do you have to say to that, Coco?

Coco Watchout: Well, let me tell you something about this guy. He’s shooting blanks. He has been trying to get his wife pregnant for two years. And he cannot get it done. And it is putting a lot of stress on their marriage.

Trashyard Mutt:Yeah. [pauses] Well, I’m gonna put some stress on you in that ring. I’mma mess you up!

Coco Watchout: I’ll tell you what’s messed up. This guy’s sperm. They don’t have tails. They’re just little heads. The doctor said that he has never seen that before. And the only bun this guy is putting in the oven is a cinnabon because he’s not fertile.

Host: Well, you’re here, heard it here first. Trashyard Mutt is sterile and it all gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Director: And cut.

Coco Watchout: Oh, that was good. Right? Would you go with that one?

Trashyard Mutt: No. Not really, man! I told you that in private. Okay? Maybe we could talk more about like, wrestling stuff, okay? And like, less emotional stuff.

Coco Watchout: Okay. Wrestling stuff.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah.

Coco Watchout: Cool, cool, cool. Okay. Hey, great note.

Director: Alright, promo take two. And action!

Host: I’m here with Director and Coco Watchout. And it doesn’t get much uglier than the rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, yeah! And lord help him when I come flying down from that top rope with my double doggie drop. [barking]

Coco Watchout: Actually, Mutt, you’re not flying anywhere coz you’re on the no-fly list. Because the last time you flew, you took a dump so bad they had to turn the plane around. They heard the noise and thought it was a bomb. An 80 year old woman fell into a coma and she still hasn’t woken up. At one point, you tried to blame it on a soldier returning home from Afghanistan.

Trashyard Mutt: Urgh! How did you know about that?

Coco Watchout: I know everything about you Mutt because I hacked into your laptop. And I’ve been watching you. That’s how I found out what a big Katy Perry fan you really are.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, no!

Coco Watchout: Roll the tape.

[Cut to a webcam video where Trashyard Mutt is wearing a wig, bra and is stripping.]

[Cut to Coco Watchout, Trashyard Mutt and Host]

Trashyard Mutt: That was– That was long time ago.

Coco Watchout: It was yesterday! And that’s what Coco is cooking. Whoo!

Director: Cut! Cut! Um, felt good to me. You guys happy?

Coco Watchout: Yeah.

Trashyard Mutt: No! No! I’m unhappy.

Coco Watchout: But you said I should just go after you.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, well, don’t, okay? Just keep it generic stuff, okay? Like I’ll be crying for my mama or something silly.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Yes. Sure. Cry for you mama. Okay, cool. Hey, again, great note.

Trashyard Mutt: Thanks.

Director: Take three, and action.

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

Coco Watchout: And when I get through with this guy, he’ll be crying for his mama. Or at least, for the woman who he thinks is his mama.

[Trashyard Mutt is angry and walks around to calm himself down]

Because he doesn’t know he’s adopted!

Trashyard Mutt: Why are you doing this, Steve?

Coco Watchout: See, your birth mother was part of a government experiment to produce the perfect child. To the surprise of the scientist, the embryo split and twins were born. You and me. That’s right, Mutt. We’re twins. And you’re the defeato.

Trashyard Mutt: What? We’ve been wrestling together for years. Why wouldn’t you tell me?

Coco Watchout: I was saving it for this promo. And I asked mom if she wants to meet you and she said, “No, I’m good.”

Trashyard Mutt: What is happening?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know how your wife said she was going to meet her friend for lunch week?

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, I know.

Coco Watchout: Well, she actually went to the fertility clinic. And guess what, not only is she pregnant, but you’ll never believe who the sperm donor is.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, boy.

Coco Watchout: Uncle Coco! Your unborn baby is both my nephew and my son. And you had no idea.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, my god! I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mutt runs out]

Coco Watchout: And that’s what the Coco is cooking.

World’s Most Evil Invention

Bobby Moynihan

Dr. Microknox… Kyle Mooney

Baroness Antarctica… Sasheer Zamata

Roy… Dwayne Johnson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]

Bobby: Order, order, my colleagues and calamity. I hereby call to order the meeting of the international mad scientists society. As you know, it is time for the mad scientists society’s annual most evil invention in the world contest.

All: Hear, hear, evil!

Bobby: Yes. Esteemed evil doers. You have had all year to work in your secret laboratories on an evil invention that will shock the entire world with it’s dastardly design. Who is first?

[Dr. Microknox walks forward with a gun that looks futuristic]

Dr. Microknox: [Laughing] I am Dr. Microknox. And the most evil invention in the world is my shrink ray.

All: Ooh!

Dr. Microknox: It can reduce a monument to the size of a toy. I will have the eiffel tower on my key chain and Mt. Rushmore as a paper weight.

Bobby: [evil laughter] Very evil, Dr. Microknox. I guess bad things do come in small packages. [evil laughter] Who is next?

[Baroness Antarctica walks forward with her gun]

Baroness Antarctica: I am Baroness Antarctica. My entry for world’s most evil invention is the freeze ray.

All: Ooh!

Baroness Antarctica: I shall incase all the world’s most famous monuments in solid ice.

Bobby: [evil laughter] How chillingly evil. Okay, who is next?

[Roy walks in with a tin robot]

Roy: Hey. Hi, guys. My name is Roy. And for the most evil invention in the world contest, I invented a child molesting robot.

[All scientists are confused]

Bobby: I beg your pardon. What?

Roy: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll speak up. It’s a robot that’s designed to molest children. And I call it Robochomo. You see, it’s powered by solar rechargeable fuel cells, cost pennies to manufacture and it can theoretically most twice as many children as a human molester in quite frankly half the time. So, um, do I win the contest? Seems like I win.

Baroness Antarctica: Oh, my god!

Roy: What’s wrong?

Baroness Antarctica: What’s wrong? My most evil idea was blizzard in July.

Roy: Right. Well, I went in a slightly different direction with the assignment.

Dr. Microknox: You built a mechanical sex predator.

Roy: Yes. Yes. yes. That’s exactly right. This guy gets it. You get it.

Dr. Microknox: Oh my god! No, I don’t!

Beck: How do you even build a child molesting robot?

Roy: Well, that’s a great question. What you do is you start by building a regular robot. Then you molest and hope it continues the cycle.

Beck: Dear lord almighty!

Dr. Microknox: That’s the most hideous thing I have heard in my life.

Roy: Oh, well. Thank you very much. You see, the shrink guy is with me all the way.

Dr. Microknox: Stop saying that.

Roy: You know, I want to remind you guys that in Webster’s dictionary, it defines evil as profoundly immoral.

Baroness Antarctica: We know what evil means.

Roy: Well, it doesn’t seem like you do because you built a freeze ray. I mean, Benito Mussolini used to force feed people castor oil until they literally died of diarrhea. I mean, that’s got to be there the goal posts are, right? Am I crazy or–?

Beck: I think someone should call the police.

Roy: Okay. Okay. Well, I think we all are getting hangry right now. Let’s break for lunch. I’ll buy you all a sandwich at the restaurant across the street.

Bobby: Get our of here now!

Roy: let’s just talk it over at the restaurant across the street with the medieval decor and the little miniature beef sandwiches.

Dr. Microknox: It’s a White Castle man! Just say White Castle. Who the hell calls White Castle a sandwich restaurant?

Roy: Okay. Well, you guys are mad. I’m sorry. I just wanted to win the contest. I guess I screwed up.

Bobby: No, Roy. You have nothing to apologize for. Yes, you made a robot that molests children. But you also made an important point here today. Things are always better with juicy beef and onion sandwiches from White Castle, America’s medieval sandwich restaurant.

[Cut to White Castle video bumper]

Male voice: White Castle, we’ll serve anybody!

Wingman

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Dwayne Johnson

Carlos… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Dwayne sitting at a bar.]

Bartender: Hey, another round, boss?

Dwayne: Um, yeah, I guess I could do one more.

Bartender: You’ve got it.

Dwayne: Thank you.

[Dwayne is looking at a girl at the next table]

Bartender: Looks like she’s alone. You should go talk to her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa! No no, no, no, no. No way, Jose. I can’t.

Bartender: Why? You married or something?

Dwayne: No, I’m just not good at approaching women. I get so nervous. I always mess it up. I men, my gosh. She’s beautiful, though.

Bartender: I’ll tell you what, I’m the perfect wingman. I’ll go over there and put in a good word for you.

Dwayne: Oh, no man! It’s okay. That’s too embarrassing.

Bartender: Come on! Come on!

Dwayne: No, no, no.

Bartender: Trust me. I got this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Good news, my friend.

Dwayne: What did she say?

Bartender: She’s into it. Yeah. She wants to have a threesome with us.

Dwayne: Hey! Wait, what?

Bartender: I made it happen. She’s into the threesome idea.

Dwayne: Wait, wait. What threesome idea? I don’t even know you.

Bartender: Oh! You don’t know her either. What’s the difference? She wants to hook up.

Dwayne: Okay. Well, tell her I want to hook up with her, but not a threesome.

Bartender: Alright! Alright! Okay. I’ll see what she says.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Alright, all cleared up. She’s willing to have sex with us one at a time, but says I get to go first.

Dwayne: What? Why do you keep putting yourself into this?

Bartender: Dude, I’m trying to wing you, man. You said you’re bad with women.

Dwayne: Okay, okay. Look, no offense but I’m only interested if she’s just her and me, not you.

Bartender: Uh, are you sure? That might piss her off.

Dwayne: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m positive.

Bartender: Okay. Your funeral.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again. It seems like the girl actually likes it better.]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: She’s not into it, man.

Dwayne: Really? Well, she was nodding a lot.

Bartender: Yeah, she said it has to be a threesome or one at a time with me going first and then again right after you.

Dwayne: What? No! No!

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Okay. Let’s see who else is in here.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Just forget it. Go away. No. No.

Bartender: Come on. Dude, hang on. I’m the wingman. I want to hook you up. [another girl walks in to the bar] Whoa, whoa, hang on. The redhead over there. She’s definitely into you.

[the girl is looking at Dwayne and smiling]

Dwayne: She is so hot.

Bartender: Say no more. I’ll go over and ask if she wants to do a threesome.

Dwayne: No, no. I don’t want a threesome.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. No threesomes.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Dwayne: What happened?

Bartender: She said she would only sleep with you if her girlfriend could join in too. But I told her you don’t do threesomes.

Dwayne: No, wait! No! No! Dude, go back there and tell them yes.

Bartender: Oh, so now you’re into it?

Dwayne: Yes, I’m into it! It’s two girls. Of course I’m into it.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Let me wing this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay. She said she’ll have a fivesome with us.

Dwayne: What? What’s a fivesome?

Bartender: You know. A five some. You and me, her and her girl and Carlos.

Dwayne: Who is Carlos?

[Carlos is standing behind Dwayne]

Carlos: Hey!

Dwayne: No, dude. No. Just forget it. Forget about it.

Bartender: Come on. I feel bad. I messed up. Give me one more shot.

[Bartender walks to another girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay, she’s into it.

Dwayne: Hey, just me and her?

Bartender: No, her and him.

Carlos: Hey!

Bartender: Yeah. You know, what can I say? Wingman strikes again. Ha-ha!