Tag: Kate McKinnon

Band with Laser Harp

Kenan Thompson

Tommy T. Vilaris… Beck Bennett

Tanya Grapes… Aidy Bryant

Joe Hobs… Jay Pharoah

Shina Ray… Cecily Strong

Blade… Kate McKinnon

Jean Breads… Donald Trump

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a band playing in a bar]

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: Are we there yet?

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: I bet he feels just like me

[music stops]

Thank you very much, Lake George. Wow, what a great crowd tonight. So, let’s meet the band. On the bass guitar, it’s Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: On the keyboards, give it up for miss Tanya Grapes.

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: He’s our drummer and our band’s resting hound, Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. And over here, singing back up vocals and light dancing, Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Alright. And where would we be without our very own, Jean Breads on laser harp.

[Cut to Jean on laser harp. He just plays two keys and looks at Kenan]

[Cut to Kenan disappointed.]

Kenan: Is that it? Is that your whole solo?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I guess it has to be.

[Cut to Tommy]

Tommy: What do you mean? What’s wrong, Jean Breads?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Oh, nothing. It’s just every night, everyone’s solos get longer and longer, by the time I get there nobody is even listening.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Blade: Jean, we’re doing the same thing we always do. We always– we go…

[Shina and Blade start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Now, Shina Ray, Blade, let him finish his thought.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: It doesn’t matter. I mean, I’m only playing the most fantastic instrument ever made. It’s lasers!

[Cut to Tanya]

Tanya: Well then, play them Jean Breads.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, easy Tanya. We are in front of an audience.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Shina: That’s right guys. There are eight people here that wanna kill our show.

[Cut to the eight people in the audience]

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Whoop! Sorry, there’s nine now. Sorry, I just got here.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, well great. Would you like us to re-introduce ourselves?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah. I would love that. Just so I know who’s on what instrument. Yes.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. Real fast so that there’s plenty of time for Jean at the end. Let’s go. Tanya Grapes!

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Jean. He is dancing.]

Jean: Here we go. It’s my moment.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hang on a second. I almost forgot, I sometimes play the sax.

[Kenan starts playing sax solo]

[Cut to Jean getting disappointed]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: And Jean Breads–

Jean: I quit.

Kenan: –on the laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Let me just tell ya’. I quit.

[Cut to the band]

All: No.

Joe: Don’t be like that, Jean.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I joined this band to be a part of a team.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: But you are, Jean Breads. You are a part of this.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I’m not if you don’t give me a chance to shine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You’re right. Please take all the time you need. Play your laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Great! I’m about to rock this place down.

[Jean starts playing his laser harp and dancing]

[Tommy comes in]

Tommy: Oh, he’s doing it. Look at the audience.

[Tommy leaves]

[Cut to the bar. There is no audience.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Wow!

Joe: I guess they’re leaving to tell their friends. Hit it guys!

[The End]\

Bad Girls

Stacey… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Gretchen… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Bayer

Josh… Beck Bennett

[Starts a Bad Girls band’s music video with girls posing in a car]

Stacey: Life is short. And we only get one chance to live it. So we do whatever the hell we want, whenever the hell we want. Because we’re bad girls and we do it well.

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Shorty’s fast food. Cecily is approaching the counter.]

Kenan: Hey, what can I get for you?

Cecily: Um, can I just do a turkey and avocado sandwich?

Kenan: Sure. You want a drink with that?

Cecily: No, no, no. That’s okay. But you know what? Actually, can I just do like a free cup for water…

[Cut to Cecily at the soda station looking around]

… that I’ma fill with lemonade.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to an elevator. Few people are getting in.]

Kyle: Hey, what floor guys?

Pete: Um, 62 please.

Jon: 66 for me please.

Kyle: For you?

Gretchen: 2.0

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer trying to get in the fine dining restaurant]

Taran: Um, we only receive full parties. Are all four of your members here?

Leslie: Oh, yeah. She’s just in the bathroom.

Taran: Fantastic. Right this way.

Leslie: The bathroom at her house.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Bobby with the trolley at the grocery store. Venessa comes with few items to put in the trolley]

Venessa: Okay, I think I got everything. Milk, broccoli and ice-cream.

Bobby: Oh! We already got an ice-cream.

Venessa: Oh, okay. I’ll just put it back… right here… by the bread.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer at the restaurant]

Sasheer: God, our waitress was terrible.

Leslie: Yeah, such a bad service.

Stacey: Well, it’s time to leave the tip. Think what I’m gonna do. Let’s still tip 20% because being server is hard and you don’t know what’s going on her day today.

Sasheer: Yeah.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Josh doing the dishes]

Josh: Dishes are all done babe. Can you just take out the trash? I think it’s full.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Um, sure.

[Gretchen looks at the bin. The bin looks full. She just kick-pushes the trash in to squeeze in making space available in the bin.]

Actually, it’s not full.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls —

[Cut to Stacey at the restroom using the toilet. She’s out of toilet-tissues.]

Stacey: Shoot!

[Stacey looks at the socks she’s wearing, opens it and used it as a tissue]

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[The girls are shooting guns at the sky]

Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey! Hey! Hey! Gretchen!

Gretchen: Hi baby.

Josh: What are you dong? I told you to take out the trash and now you’re out here shooting guns with like, 50 women?

Gretchen: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Girls, I gotta go. But, Bad Girls for life, right?

[Gretchen hugs goodbye to her girls and runs to Josh]

Bye girls. Bye, bye, bye.

Stacey: [Smiling at Josh] Hi, Josh.

Josh: Hi, Stacey.

Stacey: We’re Bad Girls.

[The End]

The Loveliest Kingdom

Judith… Aidy Bryant

Thomas… Bobby Moynihan

School Mam… Kate McKinnon

Avanathy… Jon Rudnitsky

Pastor Dane… Taran Killam

Bernard… Tracy Morgan

Cecily Strong

Branda… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with the book ‘The Loveliest Kingdom’.]

[Cut to Judith and Thomas in the market]

Judith: Good morning, farmer Thomas.

Thomas: Oh, good morning spinster Judith. Care for an apple?

Judith: Oh, how generous. I’ll pay for it with a kiss.

Thomas: No need.

Judith and Thomas: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Mam and Avanathy]

Mam: Well, good morning, Avanathy.

Avanathy: Good morning School Mam.

Mam: Shouldn’t you be in school?

Avanathy: Well, shouldn’t you?

Mam: Well, it’s okay for adults to take beautiful days off.

Mam and Avanathy: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Pastor Dane and Bernard]

Pastor Dane: Ah! Good morning clock maker Bernard.

Bernard: Well, hello there Pastor Dane.

Pastor Dane: Oh, this morning finds you in a jolly mood.

Bernard: I should be.

Pastor Dane: Oh, do tell.

Bernard: I saw a horse take a wiz. It was insane.

Pastor Dane: What

Bernard: It made a puddle so big, our duck landed in it.

Pastor Dane and Bernard: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Bernard leaves and Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Good morning, Pastor Dane. Is there something of matter?

Pastor Dane: Oh, no. No. I don’t think so. I was just talking to Bernard the clock maker. [Bernard walks in]

Bernard: Hey, can I ask you a girl question?

Cecily: Ah! I bet I know what it is and yes, you may have a buttercup.

Bernard: No. Do you cross your legs when you sit on the toilet?

Cecily: Why do I do what?

Bernard: You know, so if someone walks in, you look like a lady.

Bernard and Cecily: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Dancers are dancing behind Pastor Dane, Bernard and Cecily. Everyone joins them.]

Everybody: This morning is like no morning before

This morning teachers mornings what mornings are for

[Branda walks by]

Pastor Dane: Oh, good morning cheese maker Branda.

Branda: Oh, yes. What a wonderful day it is.

Bernard: It sure is. I wrote a song about titties. Anybody wants to hear it?

Thomas: Bernard! It is 8 am and you are out here in the middle of the square talking utter nonsense. What is wrong with you?

Bernard: I’m just expressing myself. If something’s going on with me? I just say it. Sometimes I don’t even think. You guys are too uptight to say what’s on your mind.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Judith: He has a point.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: So? Who wants to go first?

[Cut to Pastor Dane]

Pastor Dane: Well, I guess it shall be me.

[Pastor Dane pulls Avanathy]

I’m sleeping with this boy child.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: Wait! [Bernard walks to Pastor Dane and Avanathy] You dong what?

Pastor Dane: Well, Bernard, maybe child is not the right word. He is 18.

Avanathy: He waited till I was 18, so it’s cool

Bernard: No, no, no. You did what?

Pastor Dane: Let’s get the music going.

Bernard: Dude, there ain’t no music. You shouldn’t have told us that.

Pastor Dane: Someone else can take a turn. Cheese lady, go.

[Cut to Branda]

Branda: I can’t even talk right now.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Avanathy: It’s okay. If anything, I pushed for it.

Bernard: Alright, it’s okay, as long as you’re happy. It just seems weird.

[Cut to everybody]

Hey, did I tell you about the puddle the horse made?

Everybody: [singing] And on our way we go!

[The End]

Democratic Debate Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Jon Rudnitsky

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Lincoln Chafee… Kyle Mooney

Jim Webb… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Good evening and welcome to the first Democratic debate of the 2016 campaign. I’m your moderator Anderson Cooper and I hope I do you proud tonight, Kathy Griffin. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former governor of Maryland, Martin O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley walking to his podium]

Martin O’Malley: Hello. I’m Martin O’Malley. This is what my voice sounds like. This is what my face looks like. When I was bear of Baltimore, I did such a good job they made two TV shows about my city, Homicide and The Wire.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Former Road Island governor, Lincoln Chafee.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee walking to his podium]

Lincoln Chafee: Hey, everyone. I’m Lincoln Chafee. I used to be senator. That was fun. And now I’m here. This is fun too.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Former US senator, Jim Webb.

[Cut to Jim Webb walking to his podium]

Jim Webb: Hello. I’m Jim Webb and it’s about damn time I get to talk. What has it been? A thousand years? Here’s the deal. I fought in Vietnam. And I’m not gonna brag about how much ass I kicked but let’s just say I kicked every single ass.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Now that we’ve met those people, let’s bring out the real candidates. Former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to her podium]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. I think you’re really gonna like the Hillary Clinton that my team and I have created for this debate. She’s warm but strong. Flawed, yet perfect. Relaxed but racing full speed toward the White House like the T1000 from Terminator.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: And from the state of Vermont, senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders walking to his podium]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah! Hello, hello. Enough with the hellos. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Senator Sanders, how are you?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m good. I’m hungry but I’m good. And now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna dialect right up to 10.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Go right ahead.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We’re doomed. We need a revolution. Millions of people on the streets. And we got to do something. And we got to do it now. Ah!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Bernie, pace yourself. Now, before we begin, we at CNN wanna say quick word to vice president Joe Biden. Joe, if you decide to run at any time tonight, we will happily make room for you on the stage. No press, but we’d love to have you. Wouldn’t we, candidates?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Uh-huh!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay. Let’s get started. This first question is for everyone. Senator Sanders, some of your opponents believe regulating Wall Street is enough. What is your position on the big banks?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Ah! Not a fan of the banks. They trap a lot in the middle class, they control Washington and why do they chain all that that pens to the desks? Who’s trying to steal a pen from a bank? It makes no sense. That’s why we gotta break up the banks into little pieces and then flush the pieces down the toilet so you can never put the banks back together. Then you just make the bankers pay for college for everyone. And America’s fixed! Ay!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: America, allow me to pop an ice cube in that scalding hot soup he just served you. We do need to fix things Bernie, but you’re promising everyone a golden goose. And there is no golden goose. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] So, America, follow me coz I got some chicken that will do.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can find the goose. I found geese before and I can find them again. They congregate near ponds. It’s not rocket science.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Wait a minute, do you all like this? I’m not losing, am I? I mean in 2008, of course I lost. I was running against a cool black guy. But this year, I thought I got to be the cool black guy.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Excuse me, it’s me Jim Webb, your future president. I was promised I’d get time but I’ve had no time. Where is my time? Come on Anderson, lobe one at me. Give Jimmy W a shot and watch him sore.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, senator. Sure. Here is a question. You’re the only democrat up here with an A-rating from the NRA. Wanna tell us why?

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Pass!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, our next question is for governor O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley. He was not ready.]

Martin O’Malley: Really?

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: No. It’s for Hillary. Senator Clinton, you’re struggled to put your scandal behind you.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [interrupting] Ah! Sorry, just clearing my throat. Go on.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: What does the email scandals say about your ability to handle other crisis as president?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, I welcome this question because I rehearsed this one the longest.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: [interrupting] You know what? Can I just jump in here? This may not be great politics, but I think the American people are sick and tired of hearig about your damn emails.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Thank you.

[Hillary Clinton shakes her hand with Bernie Sanders]

Thank you, Bernie. Got, it must be fun to scream and cuss in public. I have to do all mine in tiny little jars.

Bernie Sanders: Hey, what’s the deal with emails anyway? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I forgot my password the other day. So, they say we’ll email you a new one. But I can’t get in to my email to get the password. I mean, talk about a ball buster.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]

Lincoln Chafee: Excuse me, Anderson. Not to be a little stinker, but I think the emails are a big deal. We need good ethics in the White House.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Secretary Clinton, do you want to respond?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Hillary Clinton: No.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, then. Next question, how would you each differentiate yourself from the Obama Administration?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: For me, I’m an outsider Anderson. I’m the only candidate up here who is not a billionaire. I don’t have super pack. I don’t even have a back-pack. I carry my stuff around loose in my arms like a professor, you know, between classes. I own one pair of underwear. That’s it! Some of these billionaires, three-four pairs. And I don’t have a drawer. I have to put my clothes on the radiator. So, who do you want as president? One of these Washington insiders? Or guy who has one pair, a clean underwear that he dries on a radiator? BernieSanders.com, check it out. It’s a mess.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen my teens and my twenty-somethings, I get it. He’s cool. He’s the song of the summer. He’s Trap Queen by Fetty Wap.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

But I’m the birthday song, guys, and you’re gonna be singing me until the day you die.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Excuse me. President Webb here. Where is my time? I know I’ve got this in the bag but I need some more time. So, come on Andy. Hit me with a question right between the eyes, direct shot right here.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, senator, here’s a question. You once said that affirmitive action is racist against whites. Explain.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Pass.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, it’s now time for one final statement from each of the candidates. We’ll begin with governor O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley]

Martin O’Malley: America, let me just say this. I may not have been much to listen to tonight… [stops]

Oh, sorry. That’s all. You can cut away.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]

Lincoln Chafee: Oh, boy, what a debate. And to think the center of it all was me. Lincoln Dabbin Poor Chafee. Well, good night America. Bye forever.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: America, I didn’t have enough time but I still crushed it. See you in the White House. President Webb out.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: This debate has been a blast. But let me leave you with one sobering thought. If you get into bed with Bernie Sanders tonight, you’re gonna wake up with President Trump tomorrow. So instead, get into bed with me, Hillary Clinton. You can be the big spoon and I’ll be downstairs hard at work.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what I don’t understand, America? These podiums. What are you supposed to do with your elbows. Rest them on top? They too short! Anyway, I’m Bernie Sanders and come next November, I will be Hillary Clinton’s vice president.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is smiling and clapping.]

How cool is that?

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders hug]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Astronaut Jones

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Jones… Tracy Morgan

Marcina… Tina Fey

[Starts with Cecily briefing an incident to her staff]

Cecily: Here’s what we know so far. At around 4:30 am yesterday our satellites detected a storm approaching the area’s three mission site on mars. The storm escalated to severe and we had no choice but to abort the mission. But during the evacuation, one of our men was lost. We’ll give you more information as we get it.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Captain, you need to see something.

[Cut to Kate on a computer. Taran and Cecily walk in.]

Show her.

Kate: This is the Satellite feed of Mars right now.

Taran: Look at those robo tracks. Someone has been moving around up there.

Cecily: What are you saying?

Taran: It’s him.

Cecily: That’s impossible.

Taran: He’s still alive up there.

Cecily: He died in the storm.

[alert bell ringing]

Kate: Oh, my god. We just received an incoming video message from Mars.

Cecily: This can’t be happening.

Taran: Play it. Play the message.

[Cut to the video message. It’s an astronaut without his space helmet in outer space]

Jones: Hello, it’s me astronaut Jones.

[music start playing]

[Astronaut Jones intro starts]

[singing] I’m taking a rocket
I’m packing my suitcase
and look out moon
yeah, on rocket
into outer space
goodbye human race
I’ll be there soon
pass out for an adventure
yes, I said adventure
collecting stones
yeah, it’s my way
on the space highway
that’s why they all say
there goes astronaut Jones

Male voice: Hey! It’s Astronaut Jones in the Martian.

[Cut to Jones]

Jones: This is astronaut Jones. My crew left without me. I’m alone on the planet Mars. Oh, wait! I hear somebody.

[Marcina walks in in a pink glossy dress]

Marcina: Space man, my name is Marcina. Proud ruler of the Martian people.

Jones: Yeah, right.

Marcina: We understand [Jones is mumbling things that sound like what Marcina is saying] that you’ve been abandoned here and require subsistence  just arrived for 400 souls. Until you can be returned to your home, we are willing to help you. Give you food and water. In return, help us make contact with the earthlings and understand their strange way. What do you say, space man?

Jones: I say you take that butt out of the space suit and let me see it clap.

[Cut to Astronaut Jones video bumper]

I’m taking a rocket
I’m packing my suitcase

Male voice: Astronaut Jones, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb production.

Weekend Update Frida Santini and her Apartment

Colin Jost

Frida Santini… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new survey finds that 1 in 12 apartments in New York city are overcrowded. Here to talk about it is a woman who lives in my building, Mrs. Santini.

[Frida slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Frida: Hi Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi.

Frida: Colin, you left your shoes outside your apartment. I borrowed them. Here is one back.

[Frida hands a shoe over to Colin.]

Colin Jost: What happened to the other one?

Frida: You don’t want it. Trust me.

Colin Jost: Okay. Now, Mrs. Santini, you’re really all over our building. Now, I have to ask have you personally seen any overcrowding?

Frida: No, no, the building is great, okay? [Cut to Frida] But just one family moving up stairs, they have a little baby, a new born baby, make a little bit of noise. But its okay because you just have to write a nice note. Like this. [Cut to Frida and Colin Jost. Frida takes a note out of her pocket.] I wrote a nice note. Dear parents of Damien. [Cut to Frida] I’m so sorry that your baby is a kara lounge. This must be very hard for you but for me it’s nice. How does your baby know my favorite song? It goes like this, [makes sound of a baby crying]. This song was originally recorded by Britney Spears when someone was putting her feet first into a wood chipper. And you baby, you baby sing this song every second. So I record a Lula for your baby. It goes like this. “Be quiet! I’m gonna throw you out the window.” Anyway, thank you for keeping me up all night so I sleep through my jab the next day. Frida Santini.

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

That’s a nice note!

Colin Jost: Okay.

Frida: That’s a nice note.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s a nice note. That’s a nice note. Well, I’m sorry you were up all night and late for work. What’s your job?

[Cut to Frida]

Frida: Oh, I am a teacher.

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s nice. What grade do you teach?

Frida: I teach my monkey how to steal in the street. Yesterday, he bring me back twentyeleven Ford Festiva. And I said, “Okay, Jeff, that’s not bad but where am I supposed to park it?” Dumb ass monkey.

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, did you hear the smoke alarm that went off the other day in our building?

Frida: Oh, yeah, I heard that. I think it was the kids down the hall. They smoke a lot of, you know, marijuana. But it’s not a problem because you just write them a friendly note. Here, the note that I wrote to them.

[Cut to Frida. She pulls out another note out of her pocket.]

Dear cast of the movie Friday, I’m so sorry that your apartment is Banuru. It’s so sad for you that the mayor of Boulder, Colorado came to you and said, “Take everything from my city, put it on your bed and set it on fire. Now!” Thank you for making my apartment smell like Adam Darwish’s hair and for force me to use oxygen tank. I don’t mind. Frida Santini.”

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

That’s a nice note. That’s a gentle, nice note.

Colin Jost: That’s a very nice note. That’s a very nice note. And yes, I didn’t realize that you need an oxygen tank?

Frida: Yes. Tomorrow I have to burn a storage unit. It’s gotta go quick. Police are after monkey.

Colin Jost: My neighbor, Friday Santini everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Frida: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Guns

Amy Schumer

Kenan Thomspon

Jay Pharoah

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Amy waiting for someone in a restaurant]

Female voice: Whatever you’re waiting for

[Cut to Kenan and Jay sitting together and reading a book]

Whatever you face.

[Cut to Beck staying late at office]

[Cut to Kyle looking around alone in the party]

Whatever you’re looking for.

[Cut to Bobby and Venessa in a taxi. Venessa is pregnant.]

There are things that we share.

[Cut to Amy. Taran arrives and gives Amy a present and sits next to her.]

Love.

[Cut to Kenan and Jay]

Family.

[Cut to Beck. Aidy is comforting Beck]

Connection.

[Cut to Kyle. He walks up to Sasheer and talks to her]

Kyle: Hey.

Sasheer: Hey.

[Cut to Kate running]

Female voice: A sense of purpose.

[Cut to a taxi parking at the hospital. Bobby is getting Venessa out.]

[Cut to Amy opening her present. There’s a gun inside.]

And also, guns.

Taran: You like it?

Amy: I love it.

[Cut to Kenan and Jay. Kenan has a gun in his hand.]

Female voice: Guns are there.

[Cut to Kate running with a gun.]

In lighter moments,

[Cut to Venessa getting out of the taxi with a big fun]

and big ones. When things fall apart.

[Cut to Beck and Aidy. Beck has his gun disassembled.]

Or it comes all together.

[Cut to a gun rotating on a table. As it stops Kyle and Sasheer kiss.]

[Cut to Kenan and Jay]

They unite us.

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Comfort us.

[Bobby is pushing Venessa on a wheelchair while Venessa is pointing a big gun at the hospital counter.]

Bring us joy.

[Aidy assembles Beck’s gun and they hug out.]

And strength.

[Cut to Kate running and shooting at sky.]

From first loves,

[Cut to Kyle and Sasheer shooting guns at a shooting star]

to new beginnings,

[Cut to Venessa holding a baby and Bobby is handing a small gun to the baby.]

wherever life takes you.

[Cut to Amy and Taran sleeping. Amy has a gun gun in her hand.]

Guns, we’re here to stay.

FOX & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Taran Killam

Elisabeth Hasselbeck… Venessa Bayer

Brian Kilmeade… Bobby Moynihan

Jason Chaffetz… Pete Davidson

Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching FOX & friends.

[Cut to Steve, Elisabeth and Brian in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Steve: Welcome back to FOX & friends. I’m Steve Doocy. And with me is usual Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Brian Kilmeade.

Elisabeth: Hi there.

Brian: Good morning.

Steve: Well, congress is having a few problems.

Elisabeth: What else is new?

Brian: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha. that’s so true. Now that representative Kevin McCarthy has withdrawn from the race for house speaker, the position is wide open.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I don’t know why they don’t let them all speak.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Now, here’s something interesting actually. Um, you know that the speaker doesn’t actually have to be a member of congress? It can be anybody. Folks have thrown our names like Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, I don’t know about him. That’s the man who stole Christmas.

[Cut to all]

Elisabeth: You know, I’d love to see Tim Tibow.

Steve: Oh, solid. Solid! What about Buzz Aldrin?

Elisabeth: Wow. That’s a real hero.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Yeah. Yeah. He is great in all three toy story movies. May I make a suggestion quickly?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Sure Brian.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: May I humbly nominate the great president Ronald Regan for speaker of the house? I met Mr. Regan recently in Orlando, Florida at his home in the magnificent hall of presidence, and even though he had many visitors, he took the time to talk to me, Brian Kilmeade.

[Cut to Elisabeth and Brian]

Elisabeth: Brian. Brian!

Brian: Just crazy.

Elisabeth: I think you are in Disney World.

Brian: Whoo! Good think you warned me. That place is full of pirates.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Um, well, one person who has thrown his name out there for speaker is the congressman from Utah, Mr. Jason Chaffetz. He’s a little young but he feels he’s ready. [Cut to Jason Chaffetz in his office] And Mr. Chaffetz joins us now. Hello there.

Jason Chaffetz: Hey, Steve. Great to be on TV.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Jason Chaffetz]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha. Now, Mr. Chaffetz, you’re a rising star after your bold showing at the planned parenthood hearings.

Jason Chaffetz: Oh, thanks. You see those? I talked more than anybody.

[Elisabeth appears at the place of Steve]

Elisabeth: Yeah, you sure did. And did you know that as speaker, you’d be third in line for the presidency?

[Jason Chaffetz freezes]

Jason Chaffetz: For real?

Elisabeth: Yea, it’s true.

Jason Chaffetz: Wow, that’s amazing. But you know what? I’m ready, I’m able, I’m gonna win this thing.

Elisabeth: We’ve heard that Paul Ryan might run.

Jason Chaffetz: Oh. [thinks for a moment] Okay, I’m gonna lose this thing. That guy is a lot more qualified than me. He can bench like, 150. Sorry for wasting your time.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Hey, not a problem. Well, this stems from the republican effort to defund planned parenthood.

[Cut to all]

Elisabeth: Those videos are shocking. Did you know that they’re selling baby parts on snapchat.

Steve: It’s outrageous.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I saw the video and it is stomach turning. I mean, the way that rat dragged that baby down the stairs. Disgusting.

[Cut to all]

Steve: No, no, Brian. You’re talking about pizza rat again.

[Brian is laughing hard]

Brian: Well, I just love em’. I wish I had me some flour pizza.

Steve: We know, you say it all the time. Joining us now, is a woman who has been shame fully defunding planned parenthood. [Cut to Debbie Wasserman Schultz in her office] Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Hi, Steve, Elisabeth, Brian. It’s a pleasure to not be there in person.

[Cut to split screen of Elisabeth and Debbie Wasserman Schultz]

Elisabeth: Debbie, are you really defending an organization that sells babies the way that KFC sells chicken?

[Debbie Wasserman Schultz is yawning]

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Elisabeth, you know that’s not true. Let me ask you Elisabeth, do you want to get into a legal battle with a woman named Debbie Wasserman Schultz? My name sounds like a law firm.

Elisabeth: Okay, Debbie, there is no need to–

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: You really wanna take on planned parenthood, Elizabeth? I will put all three of your heads in mammogram machine and squish em’ like pancakes and serve them.

[Steve appears in place of Elisabeth]

Steve: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Debbie, you’re being hysterical.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: I will smack your upside the head with a transvaginal wand. Wasserman Schultz does not play around. Have you considered what might happen when you mess with millions of women? You know when a bachelorette party walks into a bar, it just blows the place up. It’s gonna be like that. But instead of a bar, it’s America. We’re organized, we’re pissed, and we’re all looking for a pap smear. Wasserman out!

[Cut to the Steve, Elisabeth and Brian. Brian is clapping.]

Brian: Yayyy! Yayyy!

Elisabeth: Brian, please!

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: I’m sorry. I always agree with whoever is the loudest.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Alright, you know what? Why don’t we take a break? But before we go, we’ve got a quick list of corrections from our first hour.

[music playing]

[Corrections appear on the screen like post credits.]

Corrections: iPads are not “just for women.”

Bernie Sanders is not the founder of KFC.

Tom Hanks did not play Martin Luther King in Selma.

There is no emoji for “illegal immigrant.”

Magic Johnson is not a warlock

Safeway is a supermarket chain, not the slang word for abstinence.

Sneezing is not an effective form of birth control.

“Pac Man Fever” did not kill 400,000 children in the 80s.

Jewish people do exist.

Billy Bush is not a presidential candidate.

“Kokomo” is a Beach Boys song; “Guantanamo” is a US detention came.

Twins are not the result of group sex.

The black Market is not where African-Americans buy their produce

Obama is not a former member of Jodeci

Charles Schultz didn’t die from a Peanuts allergy

People who are colorblind can see Tom Green

John Stamos isn’t the Greek God of Yogurt

Ronald Reagan’s heart is not at the bottom of a volcano

On Fridays during Lent, Catholics can still listen to Meatloaf

Donald Trump has no plans to deport Speedy Gonzalez

SeaWorld is not a Kevin Costner movie.

Muslims are allowed to be girls.

King Cobras are not elected.

Mass shootings are not necessarily only on Massachusetts.

The water on Mars isn’t bottled.

An IUD does not explode inside of a woman.

Obama’s oldest daughter is named Malia, not Syria

Bernie Sanders not related to Santa Claus

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: We’ll see you after this quick break. And…

[Elisabeth and Steve come in]

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Baby Shower

Sasheer Zamata

Teresa .. Venessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Jessie… Amy Schumer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ladies having a Baby shower]

Sasheer: How far long are you, Teresa ? You look like your’e about to pop.

Teresa: Ah, we think two months. We haven’t been keeping count.

Sasheer: What?

Teresa: We don’t really know how it works and we don’t believe in doctors. We’re just kind of winging it.

Sasheer: Cool.

[Aidy walks n]

Aidy: Okay, everybody. Let’s get this baby shower started.

[All the ladies sit down]

So I’ve got paper and pen so we can play some fun shower games.

[Jessie walks in]

Jessie: Okay, so fun. Where should I sit? I know I’m not invited. I don’t wanna make, like, everybody annoyed.

[Jessie takes a seat in between Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: She can sit next to me, right? She’s my best friend. It’s okay that I brought Jessie, right?

[Cut to Teresa]

Teresa: Yeah, I guess I didn’t say not to do it. So…

[Cut to everybody]

Jessie: Oh, okay. Good. I just like, don’t wanna take away your day or whatever.

[Cut to Aidy and Sasheer]

Aidy: So, how do you two know each other?

[cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, she bartends at the bar I spend all my nights in.

Jessie: Yeah. We became best friends.

Cecily: Yeah, Jessie totally has my back.

Jessie: Coz she used to order like, rail vodka and I was like, “Oh, Absolute.” Hello, right?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Well, why don’t you start opening your gifts?

[Cut to everybody]

Teresa: Okay, alright. [picks up a present] Oh, the wrapping is so cute.

Cecily: Wait, wait, wait. I wanna take a picture. Let me get my purse.

[Cecily walks away to get her purse]

[Teresa is opening the present]

Jessie: Wait! Hold on! She’s getting her purse.
[Cecily walks back]

Cecily: Jessie, my purse is gone.

Jessie: What? What do you mean? Like, your purse is like, completely gone?

Cecily: Yeah.

Jessie: Okay, so someone took it.

Cecily: What? I don’t know.

Kate: No, no. I’m sure no one took it.

Jessie: No, if it’s not there then yes, someone took it.

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: Can she open her present now?

Cecily: Did someone took my purse?

[Cut to Kate, Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: No, someone took it. You don’t move a purse. You take it.

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: What?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: You guys, everything is fine. I’m not mad. Just please tell me where it is.

Jessie: And then, maybe explain why you took it because like, she deserves answers?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I’m sure it’s here somewhere.

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: Then where is it?

Jessie: Okay, don’t freak out. Nobody is leaving here. And if it turns out that one of them took it, they will pay.

[Cut to everybody]

Does that sound okay with everybody? Is that cool?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: No one took your purse.

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: Okay, can someone write down that she just said that in case we need it?

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: I just want my purse.

Kate: It’s here somewhere. I know it’s here.

[Jessie stares at Kate furiously]

Aidy: You know what? Let’s just play a baby shower game and have some fun.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Fine! I’ll shut the hell up.

Jessie: No, like, your friends are ridiculous right now.

Aidy: Okay, so everybody take a marker and write down a baby name. And then, Teresa has to guess who wrote what name.

[Everybody takes a paper and writes on it]

[Cut to Teresa]

Teresa: This is fun. This will be great.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Okay, Teresa, pick one.

Teresa: Okay. Okay.

[Cut to Teresa]

First name is… [picks up a paper] did you take my purse. Are you serious?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: Yes, answer the question.

Cecily: [sobbing] Guys, please, my purse has everything in it. Just give me my purse.

Jessie: What was in there, sweetie? Tell them what’s in your purse?

Cecily: My parent’s address and information. My passport and I’m going to Mexico in a month. My UTI medics and my heart burn pills.

Jessie: No, keep going. Tell them what they took from you.

Cecily: My phone charger and my sunglasses and my norse.

Jessie: Your norse? Wait, they took your norse?

Cecily: Yes, they took it all and everything else.

[Cut to everybody]

Jessie: You know what? I can’t stand it. [Jessie throws everything on the table away] God damn, you people! Everybody get up!

[Everybody gets up]

Get up, I don’t care if you’re pregnant. Get up!

[Jessie starts throwing stuffs here and there]

Teresa: What are you doing?

Jessie: Look, I don’t care if you guys like me. I’m never gonna see any of you again. I don’t care if you think I’m a bitch coz I wont’ see you unless you come into my bar. And if you come in and you don’t tip 20%, guess what? Your ass is getting kicked out.

Sasheer: Wait, is that your purse right under where your friend was sitting?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily looking at the purse]

Jessie: Oh, my god. Check it. Is that your purse?

Cecily: Ah! This is it.

Jessie: Wait! Make sure everything’s in it, because if even one thing’s missing, I’m calling the police.

Cecily: It’s all here.

Jessie: God! Okay, so you guys clean up. I’m gonna use the upstairs bathroom and let’s get this shower back on track!

Cecily: Woo-hoo!

[The End]

Settl

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Byer

Henry… Taran Killam

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kate walking down the stairs]

Kate: I think I’m a pretty good catch. So, why can’t I meet the right guy? I’ve tried all the online dating apps like Tinder, Okay Cupid and Match.com but I wanna get married now. That’s why I joined the new online dating app, Settl.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: There’s nothing wrong with the men on Settl. They’re just normal guys with characteristic I am now willing to overlook.

[Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Kate sitting on sofa drinking wine.]

Venessa: I already bought my wedding dress. So, I just needed a groom. I joined Settl and went on tons of okay dates. That’s how I met my Henry. [Henry walks in] He may drive a smart car but he’s a manager at Cutco and even has a 401K. We’re getting married in April which is before my sister.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Settl isn’t misleading like those other dating apps. It’s honest. For example, men are only allowed to upload their passport photos or ones they’ve been pretending to hold the leaning tower of Pisa. That way, we can’t focus on their looks.

[Kyle walks in]

Hi.

Kyle: Sorry, I’m late. I don’t have a car.

Leslie: Whatever.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: And, they guarantee the date because Settl won’t allow us to swipe left.

[Cut to Venessa and Henry]

Venessa: Because remember, it’s not giving up, it’s settling up.

[Henry and Venessa kiss awkwardly]

Female voice: Settl, tick tock.

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle]

Leslie: Would you like to have another glass of wine?

Kyle: Oh no, thank you. I’m usually in bed by now.

[The End]