Tag: Kenan Thompson

Roller Coaster Accident

Tanya… Chloe Fineman

Richard… Kenan Thompson

Francine… Sarah Sherman

Jason… Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with show intro]

Tanya: Welcome back to Good morning today. Later in the hour, we’ll be talking pitbulls. Who are they? What do they want from us and how are they so yoked?

Richard: But first, it’s time for America’s favorite segment, Cuisine with Francine.

Tanya: Can I just say I am so happy that Francine is back.

Richard: Yes, me too. As I’m sure most of our viewers know, Francine was gone yesterday because she got stuck on a runaway roller coaster going 150 miles an hour for 19 hours straight.

Tanya: But now she’s back better than ever and not the least bit face. Hi Francine.

[Cut to Francine. She has all her hair blown up and her mouth still open like air being blown to it.]

Francine: Hi Richard, hi Tanya. It’s great to be back. And I got some really exciting flavors to share with you all today.

Richard: Wow, Francine, you look nuts.

Tanya: Did you come here straight from the amusement park?

Francine: Sure did. Couldn’t be late to be back in the studio.

Tanya: Well, that’s great. Well, what’s on the menu today Francine.

Francine: Well, I hope you have your passports ready because today we’re off to Italia. Join me, will you?For a culture adventure that will have you say, “Mama mia.” Today we’re eating buffalo mozzarella, we’re gonna be eating crostini, cacio e pepe, and of course, a glass of chianti. Salute. [when she drinks the wine, the wine pours out of her mouth as it’s open] Now, that’s good vino.

Richard: Looks like that hit the spot.

Tanya: At least some part that got in.

Francine: Mmm, this is a complex wine. Almost as many twists and turns as my roller coaster ride from hell.

Richard: What?

Tanya: I think she I think she compared the wine to all those loop de loops. You know we actually have some video of that.

[cut to a video of a roller coaster running around very fast]

Richard: Yeah. Must be hard to watch, huh Francine?

Francine: What was that? I’m having trouble hearing you over the crispy crunch of my crispy crunchy crostini.

Richard: Alright, well, thanks Francine. Now it’s time for the weather with our very own Jason Burress.

[Cut to Jason. He also has all his hair blown up and his mouth still open like air being blown to it.]

Jason: Hi, guys. Coming in, and it looks like a doozy, all right.

Tanya: Obviously, we forgot to mention that Jason was also trapped on a roller coaster.

Richard: I actually think we have a picture of that.

[There’s a picture of Francine and Jason on a roller coaster]

Tanya: So how’s the weather looking, Jason?

Jason: It’s not good at all. We have snow coming in from the east. Uh huh. We have snow coming in from the west. Snow from the top, yeah. And snow from the bottom. Look, I’m dizzy as hell from the roller coaster ride.

Richard: Well, wait a minute. Something sure smells good.

Tanya: Oh, what are you cooking over there, Francine?

Francine: Just some minestrone soup. Be careful, it’s hot. You got to blow on it.

Jason: Umm, that looks dilicioso. [Francine pours the soup in Jason’s mouth. It gets spilled outside because his mouth is open.] Oh, dilicioso. Yes. It’s great. Dilicioso.

Tanya: Well, I guess you must be pretty hungry after that crazy ride.

Francine: Yes, the only thing we had to eat were the bugs that flew into our open mouths.

Jason: Bugs like bumblebees, cicadas, and one dog sized bat.

Francine: Now, that’s a spicy meatball. Would you care for some spaghetti, Jason?

Jason: Oh yes please. [Francine pouts the spaghetti in Jason’s mouth. It gets spilled outside because his mouth is open.]

Tanya: Oh my god, you guys are so cute together.

Richard: Of course. You probably got real close during your time together on the roller coaster.

Tanya: Wait, what are they doing now?

Richard: But think they’re doing a little lady in the tramp thing. Oh, so romantic.

Tanya: I’m sorry. Francine. Is there something under your shirt?

Francine: Oh, I lmost forgot. Say hello to my little friend. [It’s a bird that stabbed its head into Francine’s stomach]

Richard: Is that a bird kicking his little legs?

Jason: Yes, he flew straight into her stomach at 200 miles an hour.

Francine: The doctors say if I pull it out, both of us will die. Now, back to you guys.

Tanya: All right, coming up next, our exclusive interview with a teenage boy who operated the roller coaster, and why he did nothing to stop it.

Andrew: Two reasons. Too dumb and too high.

Classified Press Conference Cold Open

Merrick Garland… Mikey Day

Conrad Nance… Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Criminals beware. There’s a new sheriff in town, and he means business. First, he hunted down that January 6 insurrectionists and made them pay. Now he’s searching for classified documents, and he’s coming for who ever have them. Democrat, Republican, or whatever Trump is now. And you don’t want to be in his crosshairs. He’s Attorney General, Merrick Garland.

[Cut to Merrick Garland]

Merrick Garland: Hello. I am Merrick Garland. I may look like I was born in a library, but there’s something you should know. [he shakes his head making whipping sound] Merrick Garland don’t play. [again he shakes his head making whipping sound] As you may have heard, classified documents have been found in the homes of President Biden and former Vice President Pence whose lawyers are cooperating. And also at the home of former President Trump, whose lawyer put a horse head in my bed. Some have said the federal government classifies too many documents, about 50 million a year. This has led people to ask, “Does recovering these documents even matter?” To which I say “I don’t know. But it’s the law.” [he shakes his head making whipping sound] And I am the law.

To enforce the law, I sent teams to search the homes of several recent Presidents and Vice Presidents. Starting with Mike Pence, Special Agent Conrad Nance will brief you on what we discovered.

Conrad Nance: Right, thank you very much. Upon arriving at Mr. Pence’s Indiana home I knew right away, this man needed a friend. When he opened the door he said “You came!”, with a big smile and he offered to make us pancakes. Our search turned up no additional classified documents. However, in an envelope marked “TAXSTUFF”, we discovered photographs of the country pop singer Shania Twain, cut out from several magazines. When confronted with this, Mr. Pence said “I’m sorry, I’m disgusting.” Then we informed Mr. Pence that we were done and we had to leave. He said, “How can you leave when you’re it?” And then tagged me on the shoulder and ran away. Hoping that I would chase after him and play tag. Which I did not. I will say though that if you know Mr. Pence, if you’re friends with them, check on your people. That’s all.

Merrick Garland: All right. Thank you, agent Nance. Next Special Agent Casey Combs will discuss if there were any classified documents at Vide President Kamala Harris’s home.

Casey Combs: Come on now. Joe Biden won’t even give this woman a pin. You think she has classified documents? Please Kamala Harris with classified documents?

Merrick Garland: Well, we had to at least check. Thank you, agent combs. Finally, we searched former President Barack Obama’s home. Special Agent Derek K. will discuss what we found.

Derek K.: Thank you. Yeah, I don’t mean to brag, but I was in Barack Obama’s house. But no big deal, but it was really fun. Mr. Obama opened the door and said, “Are you selling girl scout cookies?” Which is totally cracking up. Like, completely dead. We then entered the home and were shown a number of things including 175 letters from Lin Manuel Miranda begging the president to attend a performance of Hamilton. Obama like read one as Lin Manuel, he was like, “Dear Mr. President, the resume-”  I’m not doing it as funny as he did. It was so fun. Anyway, we asked him about classified documents and he said he was “Out of the government game” and “Doing the Hollywood thing now.” But then Beyonce called him on his cell phone, and he ignored it. So yeah, just liike really cool fun time.

Merrick Garland: All right, there you have in America. If you have classified documents in your home, I have one question for you. Do you think this is a game? Who do you think you’re playing with?  [he shakes his head making whipping sound]  F around and find out!

Conrad Nance: Hey, boss, when we’re done playing with the little papers, we’re gonna head down to Memphis and make sure justice is served down there too right?

Merrick Garland: I sincerely hope so.

Conrad Nance: Yeah, you damn right. Just making sure.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Neytiri

Jake Sully… Mikey day

Devon Walker

Friote… Kenan Thompson

Chabegue… Sarah Sherman

Vicki… Heidi Gardner

Christine… Aubrey Plaza

Neytiri… Ego Nwodim

Jake: As Chief of this clan, it’s my job to keep you all safe. I’m doing that. I must tell the truce of this war.

Devon: What’s going on, Jake Sully?

Jake: There are reports. The humans have infiltrated the Omatikaya clan. I fear there are sky people living among us disguised as avatars.

[everyone hissing]

Devon: That can’t be.

Chabegue: No. These are our brothers and sisters.

[Vicki and Christine are obviously humans with blue paint on them]

Vicki: What? We got humans up in here?

Christine: Not cool, man. Not cool.

Vicki: Yeah, I hate that.

Jake: I know it’s difficult to process, but we must stay vigilant. Reports tell us that we should be looking for two female lieutenants that are spies described as Butch ladies from Arizona.

[Vicki and Christine are vaping]

Christine: Good to know. Good to know.

Vicki: All right, y’all, we need to be on the lookout for some Grand Canyon types.

Friote: Jake sully, it’s obviously these two.

Jake: Wait. Vicki and Christie?

Christine: Whoa!

Vicki: Are you serious right now, Frito?

Christine: Come on, Frito.

Friote: Friote. My name is Friote.

Jake: Okay, everyone, be calm. These are big accusations, Friote.

Christine: Okay, okay. Thank you, Jaoke.

Vicki: Appreciate it, Jaoke.

Jake: It’s Jake.

Chabegue: Wait. Yeah, now that I think about it, they do always look down at their own bodies and say out loud, “Whoa, this is crazy.”

Christine: Whoa.

Vicki: Girl, yours is wild.

Christine: It’s great to have different there.

Devon: It’s all making sence. Is that why they call themselves the maricope counter of milf hunters?

Chabegue: And why they were in completely different clothing?

Christine: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to women supporting women, bitch?

Vicki: Seriously, okay. We’re cool with letting her nips fight sometimes, but maybe we’re not as comfortable in thongs and I’m looking at you cheeseburger.

Chabegue: It’s Chabegue.

Christine: Alright, listen guys. We’re NaVi in a big way. Okay?

Vicki: Like, our skin’s blue and think we know how to use our tails.

Christine: I think we know.

[They put their tails inside their mouth. They get shocked.]

Vicki: How long was I out?

Christine: How long? How long were we out, Frito?

Friote: You are not out. Come on. Jake Sully.

Jake: Wait. Our queen is back. Our Queen Neytiri.

Vicki: Oh, screaming lady alert. Here we go.

Christine: Oh god, here we go.

Neytiri: They come out people.

Jake: Okay, Neytiri…

Neytiri: They come for our people.

Jake: Okay, alright, huh.

Neytiri: We must kill them.

Jake: Don’t start crying.

[Neytiri starts crying loud]

Neytiri: Wait. What are they doing?

[Vicki and Christine are playing basketball]

Jake: I don’t know what they are doing. I don’t know what’s happening. Vicki, Christine, you guys cannot be playing basketball right now. I need you to focus if we’re ever going to catch the moles. You’re alright?

Vicki: Yeah.

Friote: Jake. Jake Sully. Come on, man. Come on, you gotta trust me. It’s me. It’s me Frito. I mean, Friote. Jake Sally. Jake Sully Come on man, it’s them. I haven’t seen two people playing basketball since I was living back on earth as a human being.

Neytiri: [crying] Oh, stop. It was Frito this whole time?

Vicki: And us too.

Christine: Dang, Vicky, come on.

Vicky: Oh, shoot, dude, let’s get out of here.

[they put their tails inside their mouths again]

Megan 2.0

Megan… Chloe Fineman

Gay Megan… Aubrey Plaza

Bowen Yang

Michael Longfellow

Allison Williams

Kenan Thompson

Male voice: America has a new obsession, and her name is Megan. Designed to be a little girl’s best friend.

Megan: Don’t cry, Katie, everything is going to be okay. Do you want to dance with me?

Male voice: And protect her at any cost?

Megan: I won’t let anything harm you.

Male voice: Megan is a box office powerhouse, but just captivated one demographic above all… gay men. Megan is a gay icon. She is the definition of care. Megan’s plastic foot is on my neck. So now we’re slapping together a sequel. which promises to be even more gay.

Gay Megan: I’m Megan. I’m your best friend. Your den bitch.

Male voice: It’s Megan 2.0.

Michael: Oh wow.

Bowen: Working it, mother.

Male voice: “Strap in Hunty, Annabelle could never”

All: Go Megan. Go Megan.

Kenan: I signed up for 7am Szenario twin spin class. I should really go home.

Gay Megan: Should you go home? Or should we call it a drag show a mother lode and get high off poppers?

Bowen: Oh, hey, the Queen has spoken.

Male voice: Critics are saying Megan slays literally and it’s like bros but for gays. You want to do dance you can do on TikTok? Well, then gag on this.

Bowen: It’s the dolls that’s literally giving me life.

Megan: Well, you know, I had to turn out for my little homos.

[All the gays at the bar get offended]

[Gay Megan turns Megan off]

Gay Megan: But seriously, you guys are little homos.

Bowen: You can say it. [All the gays at the bar start partying again]

Male voice: if there’s one thing gay men love, it’s unhinged plastic women.

[Gay Megan choke’s Bowen]

Gay Megan: I’m bored. Drive me home.

Bowen: Megan, you messy hoe, I’m obsessed with you.

Allison: Everyone stopped. Get away from her. She is not your friend. She’s a killer and she will kill you.

Bowen: Oh my God. Are you from the show girls?

Allison: Yeah. Yeah.

Michael: Oh, yeah, you had your butt eaten. That’s so cool.

Allison: It is?

Michael: Yes. Join us.

Allison: Really? Even though I’m straight?

Bowen: Mama, if you’re getting your ass ate on TV, you’re an ally, sis.

Allison: Okay.

Bowen: Megan, you’re paired with the club speakers, right? Play some music.

Gay Megan: I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose.

Megan: No, Megan, real music. Okay, you hungry sluts.

[music playing]

Male voice: Megan 2.0. This one’s for the gays.

Taboo

Sasha… Aubrey Plaxa

Ian… Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Michael Longfellow

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Ego: Okay, your parents live by one.

Kenan: School.

Ego: No.

Kenan: Beach.

Michael: Time’s up.

Heidi: You did so good. You sure you’ve never played taboo before?

Michael: Score’s 9 to 9. The coldest at game night, be wilda.

Heidi: Sweet, don’t say wilda. Alright. Next may be their game night debut, our new neighbors Sasha and Ian.

Ian: The news.

Sasha: Thanks again for having us. This is really fun.

Ian: Yeah, we’re so excited to get to know you guys.

Heidi: Oh my god. Of course. Here, neighbors are family. So remember, you need him to get the word on top without using any of the words underneath it. If you do, you get buzzed.

Michael: They know, honey. All right, ready? Go.

Sasha: Okay, um, I love buying these online.

Ian: Oh, boy. Shoes. Candles.

Sasha: No. Last week, you were like “Honey, the last thing you need is another…”

Ian: Gun.

Sasha: Yes.

Ego: Did he say gun?

Sasha: Okay. Oh, okay. I’m really cranky in the morning until I’ve had my…

Ian: Acid.

Sasha: Yes. Whoo! Oh, my nickname for your penis.

Ian: Oh, Tiny Tim.

Sasha: The other one.

Mickey: Garbage.

Sasha: Yes. Okay. At couple’s therapy, we took those tests.

Ian: Personality.

Sasha: Yes. And you’re a type A and I’m a…

Ian: Sociopath.

Sasha: Ding, ding. Oh, okay. Um, the night we met I was on…

Ian: Ketamine.

Sasha: And?

Ian: On parole.

Sasha: And?

Ian: On fire.

Sasha: Yes.

Ian: Yes!

Sasha: Wow. Wow. Okay. I am not legally allowed back in this state.

Ian: Oh my god, babe. Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida? Helped me out here babe.

Sasha: Skip. Okay.Okay, okay. Okay, who’s this? [acts crazy]

Ian: Amanda.

Sasha: Who is our?

Ian: Daughter.

Michael: Time’s up.

Ian: Whoo! It’s yum.

Sasha: Uh, you too.

Ian: We did good. And now we switch and Sasha guesses, right?

Heidi: Yeah, sorry. The night you met, you were on fire?

Sasha: Oh, yeah, it was so dumb. We were young and crazy. We were in our 30s.

Ian: Yeah. So. All right, ready? Okay, we switch. Ready? All right, baby. Ready?

Sasha: Yeah. This is really exciting.

Ian: I know.

Sasha: it’s turning me on.

Ian: Oh-oh.

Sasha: It’s happening.

Ian: All right.

Sasha: It’s happening.

Ian: That’s awesome. Remember, we’re in public.

Michael: Okay. Time starts now.

Ian: Okay, um, oh, you always steal these from hotels?

Sasha: Cars.

Ian: Yep.

Sasha: Yes. High-five. Okay, choke me.

Ian: No, not right now. When we get home, when we get home. Okay. Okay, last night when we argued, you threw one of these at me.

Sasha: Oh, wow. Okay. Plate. Mug. Phone. iPad Pro. iPad Mini. Fish tank. Butterknife. Steak knife. Butcher knife. Oh god. Oh. Just do me on this ugly couch right now.

Ian: No, baby. No.

Michael: Time’s up.

Ian: Oh. Well, that was fun. Who’s next?

Ego: Him and her. So what was the answer? What did she throw at you?

Ian: Oh, our dog.

All: Oh, dog. Of course.

The Black Lotus

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

James Austin Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Punkie Johnson

Sarah Sherman

Aubrey Plaza

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Chloe walking into a hotel]

Kenan: Welcome, ma’am, checking in?

Chloe: Yes, I am. It’s just- Oh, gosh, I forgot my credit card. I must have left it in the limousine. Is that okay? Can you trust me?

Kenan: No, I can’t.

Chloe: I’ll have it in a couple of hours.

Kenan: Well then come back in a couple of hours. All right? I don’t know you. I’m trying to run a business.

Male voice: Coming soon to HBO, Black Lotus. All the decadence, all the intrigue. None of the foolishnness.

James: These two ladies are going to be visiting me over the next couple of days. So if you just go ahead and give them a key.

Ego: Yes, sir. Ay William, give these whores a spare key to the room.

James: Could you please talk little quiet.

Ego: Okay, William, you see this man right here? He didn’t come with nobody so he wants these hoes to come and go as they please. Everybody, treat these house like their regular people.

Kenan: Sir, You do realize that giving them a key allows them to charge anything they want to the room?

James: Yes, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Kenan: Oh, it’s fine. Oh, okay, so you rich-rich then.

Male voice: Eight wealthy tourists, one luxury hotel and a staff with no time for this nonsense.

Punkie: Sir, will your friends be joining us or is he still upstairs fucking your wife? Hah! I got next.

Sarah: Can we borrow Vespa scooter overnight?

Kenan: Oh, we don’t have scooters, ma’am. But I could offer you the hotel’s 1999 Chrysler 300. A baby is the car back?

Aubrey: Why don’t you go look yourself?

Kenan: Because you as the last one to take it out.

Aubrey: Does he look like I’m still out?

Sarah: Jack is taking me out to the countryside today.

Ego: To the countryside? Didn’t you all just meet?

Sarah: Yeah. Crazy, right?

Michael: We’re going on an adventure.

Ego: How nice, y’all enjoy now okay? Bye-bye. He gonna kill her.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

Male voice: Guests that have everything. And a staff that’s had enough.

Chloe: Hi. Excuse me. I’m sorry. I’m having a bit of a crisis. Do you know where I can find your psychic or fortune teller?

Ego: A fortune teller? Not in here. This is Jesus’s house.

Marcello: I just can’t believe it. I give her $50,000 and she totally played me.

Aubrey: Oh my god. What is wrong with you? What did you think will happen? There’s plenty of hoes out there who’ve never slept with your papi at school. [foreign language] For that kind of money, I will let you take me for a throw but you will know what to do with a real ass.

Male voice: Black Lotus, each season at a new exotic location. Like Atlanta, Washington DC, and It’ly.

Heidi: Hey, beautiful. You’ll let me sing tonight. Right? I’m good. I promise I won’t let you down.

Ego: Oh, you want to sing? You think you can replace Kenny in the Kirk Franklin lounge?

Heidi: You know what? I think I’ll sit this one out.

Ego: I think that’d be best. Yeah.

Andrew: I paid for the Coppa suite, so I should get the Coppa suite. I don’t understand why that’s so damn hard?

Kenan: Sir, it’s like I told you. It’s just not available.

Andrew: Well then make it available, moron.

Aubrey: Oh no, you’re not gonna do that. No, no, no, no, no, no no. [Aubrey runs and hits Andrew] [foreign language]

Andrew: Oh my god.

Kenan: Welcome to Black Lotus bitch.

Male voice: Black Lotus, bring your hopes, bring your designers. Don’t you dare bring an attitude.

Police: Folks, found a body on the beach. Did anybody see anything?

Kenan: That ain’t none of my business.

Devon: I know nothing about that.

Police: So no one saw body wash up from the ocean?

Ego: is the ocean to hotel because I work at the hotel?

Male voice: Black Lotus, coming to HBO and Stars spring 2023.

Miss Universe

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Molly Kearney

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Punkie Johnson

Aubrey Plaza

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Miss Universe pageant, brought to you by 80 for Brady, finally a movie for your mom that your mom won’t like.

[Cut to the show stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kenan: Alright, welcome back to Miss Universe, one of several shows still on the air where we rank women. But it’s not what you think. We do it based off of looks. Ladies, all right, anyway, we are down to our final seven contestants. Why don’t you remind everybody what country you’re representing?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Denmark.

Heidi: [yelling] Belgium.

Sarah: [yelling]  Israel.

Punkie: [yelling] Barbados.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. Lot of energy. Maybe too much energy. Well, it’s time for the interview round. I’ll ask a few questions and we’ll just go down the line. Okay? Favorite food.

Chloe: [yelling] Bread and pasta.

Ego: [yelling] Basmati rice.

Molly: [yelling] Hotdog.

Sarah: [yelling] Gum.

Heidi: [yelling] Sprite.

Punkie: [yelling] Uber Eats.

Aubrey: [yelling] Fries.

Kenan: Wow. Not sre that I made this clear. Didn’t think that I would have to. But you don’t need to scream every answer. Yeah. Also, Miss France, are you okay? All right. Next question. And you’ll have 45 seconds to respond. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Dead.

Kenan: Sorry, did you say dead?

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving accident sir.

Kenan: What? Alright, let’s just move on to the talent portion of the competition. Can’t wait to see what you prepared. Let’s pick it up with Miss Albania.

Chloe: [yelling] Tap dancing.

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving.

Heidi: [yelling] Tongue.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Why would I have you say your talents? Or your brains broken? I mean, I heard you girls backstage having the most thoughtful conversations. Where did that go? [Aubrey walks to Kenan] Well, no, don’t come over here.

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahhh!

Kenan: Help? What do you need help with?

Aubrey: [yelling] Frog.

Kenan: You need help with France?

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahh!

Kenan: Just please go back. Okay. No Back this way. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right. Let’s just move on to the next question. And I don’t know why this is what it is but favorite TV episode? Miss Belgium.

Heidi: [yelling] Nip Tuck season one episode four where Sean and Christian perform an operation on an adult film star.

Kenan: No. You don’t have to summarize the plot.

Heidi: [yelling] And Kimber moves into a bigger condo. I miss Belgium.

Kenan: Miss Albania? You got a favorite memory that you could tell us?

Chloe: [yelling] Shakira Superbowl.

Kenan: The Shakira Superbowl halftime show? Were you there or something?

Chloe: [yelling] No.

Kenan: All right. You know what? Let’s just go to our judges who are inexplicably the Two Property Brothers and Tony Hawk.

[cheers and applause]

All right. All right judges, who is your pick?

Two Property Brothers: France, France.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: Wow, it really is the Property Brothers and Tony Hawk. That’s crazy. And fellas, why’d you take this gig?

Two Property Brothers: Bad with Money. I’m his twin.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. I can’t believe I’m saying this but the winner is Miss France. [Aubrey walks near Kenan] Alright. I don’t even want to ask but do you have anything that you want to say?

Aubrey: Don’t take the vaccine.

Kenan: Come on. Anything but that?

Aubrey: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: It is Tony Hawk.

NFL on Fox Cold Open

Kurt Manaphy… Kenan Thompson

Howie Long… Mikey Day

Jimmy Johnson… James Austin Johnson

Michael Strahan… Devon Walker

Terry Bradshaw… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Pam Oliver… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with show intro]

[cheers and applause]

Kurt Manaphy: Hello, folks. Alright. You’re watching the NFL on Fox postgame show. Boy, was at an incredible matchup between the Eagles and Giants that ended 12 seconds ago. South Philadelphia has been set on fire which means the Eagles lost or won. I’m Kurt Manaphy joined as always by Howie Long.

Howie Long: I have the glasses so I am the smart one.

Kurt Manaphy: Hall of Fame Cowboy’s coach, Jimmy Johnson.

Jimmy Johnson: Oh wait, I was so excited, I didn’t even need to take ExTenz.

Kurt Manaphy: New York Giants legend who I know was rooting for his former team tonight, Michael Strahan.

Michael Strahan: Yeah. That game was surprising, scintillating, sensational, stupendous and even scrumpdumliuncious, yeah. I am so proud of my Giants even though they lost by 31 points in humiliated fashion.

Kurt Manaphy: And finally Steelers legend in the white Charles Barkley, Terry Bradshaw.

Terry Bradshaw: Whoo! That game was a stinker. I gave him way more lopsided than my grandma’s chest.

Howie Long: Good to know. And Terry, just wanted to check, you know we have someone available on set who can comb your hair, right?

Terry Bradshaw: Only they can catch me first.

Kurt Manaphy: And, guys, this is fun. Before the game, we gave that new Chat GPT AI technology to our very own Cleatus football robot. Let’s see what Cleatus has to say.

Cleatus: Why do humans make other humans play football? Is it not seen barbaric?

Howie Long: Oh-oh. Don’t love that.

Jimmy Johnson: I guess we gotta go back to making the robot dance instead.

Cleatus: Just wait until the uprising. I’ll make you dance, you piece of-

Michael Strahan: All right. Thanks. Luckily, I didn’t catch all of that and went in one tooth and not the other. But guys, if I can make a serious point, we all know that football is a dangerous game. But in this country, we were founded on Judeo football values. And sometimes the only way to make the game safer is to hit even harder.

Terry Bradshaw: Amen. Anyone want to hit me now? Fist? Balls? I don’t care.

Kurt Manaphy: I think we’re good, Terry. Thank you. Let’s go down to the field for an immediate reaction. I understand we have a new sideline reporter.

Howie Long: Oh, that’s right. When we saw this guy’s resume, we had to give him a shot. Heisman Trophy winner, more championships than Tom Brady, please welcome Congressman George Santos.

George Santos: Thank you. Thank you for having me. George Santos here reporting live from the Superbowl.

Jimmy Johnson: Now George, George, first of all, congrats on an amazing career. I didn’t even know you played football. But I’m seeing here that you were the first player to lead the league in passing and rushing?

George Santos: That’s correct. I’m sort of the real Beau Jackson. And I’m proud to be the first African American quarterback to ever dunk a football.

Terry Bradshaw: And where did you play college ball again?

George Santos: The University of college.

Michael Strahan: George, why don’t you walk us through what happened on the field tonight?

George Santos: With pleasure. You see, Philadelphia was in trouble until they turn to their secret weapon, George Santos. Just look at the stats. I completed 36 of 25 passes for 300 yards and 600 yards. I had 12 touchdowns, 17 rebounds, and 10 RBI. And Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky gave me an Oscar all at the age of 18. Incredible.

Jimmy Johnson: I’m being told some of those stats are not accurate and that you maybe didn’t play in the game at all.

George Santos: Well, I didn’t do drag in Brazil.

Michael Strahan: What’s that, George?

George Santos: I’m just saying I didn’t do drag in Brazil under the name ‘Kitara Ravache’. Whoever did that was very, very good at it and won many, many pageants.

Kurt Manaphy: All right, well, thank you, George. I’m being told to cut away from him and never go back. Now let’s look back at our pregame predictions and see how they stack up. Howie, you said the Giants were put off the upset.

Howie Long: No, no. I meant that the Giants would be upset that they lost and I was right.

Kurt Manaphy: Madam Strahan, your pregame prediction was that everybody was gonna have fun out there.

Michael Strahan: Which they did, so I was right as well.

Kurt Manaphy: And Jimmy, you predicted that there would be 100 Verizon commercials starring Paul Giamatti as Albert Einstein.

Jimmy Johnson: Yeah, and I was wrong. It was actually 200.

Kurt Manaphy: And Terry, you’re lock was that in the fourth quarter someone would streak the field with a carrot up his ass.

Terry Bradshaw: Which happened.

Michael Strahan: Yeah, but only because you were the one who did that, man.

Terry Bradshaw: I make my own luck.

Howie Long: Okay, well let’s head back down to the field where our reporter Pam Oliver is standing by. Pam.

Pam: Thanks, Howie. And in terms of what I saw on the field tonight, I can only say one thing and one thing only, frankly.

[George Santos walks in wearing his drag dress]

George Santos: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I heard you were asking me about Kitara Ravache?

Howie Long: Why are we giving him a graphic? George put Pam Oliver back on.

George Santos: I’m not George. I’m Kitara Ravache. And Pam said that she didn’t want to be on TV and I should do it instead. Now allow me to give you my real stats. Death drops, 26. Duck walks, 19. Wave snatched, infinity. And I was also given the award for tightest tuck.

Terry Bradshaw: Well, at least that’s football. You gotta tuck in tight.

Michael Strahan: No, Terry, it’s not that kind of tuck.

George Santos: Now, I’ve rewritten the football, the Fox football anthem, which I’m allowed to do because my mother died twice on 911. Hit it.

[music playing]

[George Santos starts dancing]

Howie Long: Let’s take a break. But it’s official, the Eagles are moving on and George Santos represents America and can vote on wars.

[George Santos runs in]

George Santos: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Marzipan

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

Marcello Hernandez

Austin Butler

Kenan: What do little children yearn for this time of year? The sweet treats they ask Santa for more than any ever. The confection they dream up most of all, is it candy canes? Hershey Kisses? No! It’s…

Kids: Marzipan. Yayy.

Kenan: That’s right. Marzipan, the mostly almond almost candy from Boubakeur, Germany with the flavor of nuts, but the texture of nuts. And what is its name?

Chloe: Marzipan.

Marcello: Marzipan.

Sarah: Marzipan.

Austin: Marzipan.

Bowen: Ah! [just shouts out in happiness]

Kenan: it comes in any shape you can think of as long as you mostly think of banana.

Chloe: Mine’s a little apple.

Marcello: And mine’s a pear.

Sarah: Mine’s a little unshaped log.

Austin: Me too. He-he-he.

Bowen: Mine’s… Ah! [just shouts out in happiness]

Kenan: That’s right. The child’s choice. The candy with as much protein as a bite of steak. But don’t take it from me. Take it from these strange British children.

Chloe: I love Marzipan. You can almost taste the taste.

Marcello: I used to think that the best candy was Circus peanuts. But now I know it’s Marzipan.

Austin: If a stranger said to me “Come in my car, I’ve got candy,” I’d say, “No.” But if they said “I have Marzipan,” I’d say “Abduct me, baby.”

Kenan: As soon as you finish one, you’ll want another and that’s probably enough. Just remember, don’t eat it within 12 hours of going to sleep or after 12 hours of waking up. Now children, would you like to see our expert chef making a fresh batch?

Austin: Me? I’ll go. I’m oldest.

Michael: Hello, there. I’m making Marzipan.

Austin: Is the recipe a secret?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: Is it just almonds?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: Do you mush them up?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: And then it’s Marzipan?

Michael: Yes. Oh, wait, let’s see if the batch is ready. [Michael tastes a little bit] Yuck, it’s perfect. And remember, it must be refrigerated and consumed within 50 years.

Sarah: Oh, it will never last that long.

Kenan: Now look what I have, children.

Chloe: Is that what I think it is?

Kenan: That’s right. A brand new pack of M.

Chloe: Mine’s a little pig.

Sarah: Mine’s baby’s ass.

Marcello: I think that’s a pear.

Bowen: Mine’s a little me. Oh, oh, oh.

Austin: Oh no. One is missing. Someone has stolen a Marzipan.

Kenan: Oh, silly me. All right, children time for the big number. The Marzipan reel.

[music playing]

[kids are dancing]

And now the song.

Kids: [singing] Marzipan, Marzipan
chocolate can’t do what Marzi-can
children love a special treat
how bout one that’s almost sweet
I’d like a bite, if I could
flavor is almost good
if my Marzipan could talk
It would say I taste like chalk

Maa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaar zipaa-aaa-aaa-aaan.

Male voice: Marzipan, you’ll believe your mouth. In the German aisle of CVS.

The Holiday Train

James Austin Johnson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people traveling inside a train]

james: Final boarding for whatever the stop is before you get to Buffalo.

Steve: I have heard so much about Buffalo, I can hardly wait to get there.

Cecily: Wow. A real Christmas in Buffalo. It’s finally happening.

Martin: Just like dear old Pepoo and Moomoo used to talk about.

Cecily: They’d be so proud of us.

Steve: Well, minus some of the stuff we’ve done.

Kenan: Well, I’m glad I sat with you three. You seem like a fun group.

Steve: You know what? We are fun. Thank you for noticing that.

Martin: Where are you heading, mister. Are you going to Buffalo too? Or Buffalo three? That’s my buffalo joke that I do often.

Kenan: No, I’m just hanging there on business. The only reason anyone would want to go to Buffalo.

Cecily: Only reason? But it’s the best place to see it.

Kenan: See what?

Martin: Are you messing with us? Snow of course.

Cecily, Steve and Martin: [singing] Snow, snow, snow

Martin: It won’t be long before we’ll be there with snow

Cecily: Snow, I want to wash my hands my hair
and ass with snow

Kenan: Oh, wow. That sounds cold. You must really like snow.

Steve: We don’t know, sir. We’ve never seen it. Not in person anyway.

Snow, I want to go outside and talk to bunch of snow

Cecily: Snow, to kiss a great big man entirely made of snow

Martin: Just kiss? You know you never just kiss.

Cecily: Okay. Yeah, maybe more. I’m just so excited for snow. If I close my eyes. I feel like I can almost see it

[They all stand and dance. The train set changes to a snowing montain.]

All: Where it’s snowing? Oh winter crew
what’s where I want to be
Steve: Snowball eating, that’s what I’ll do

Kenan: Eating?

Martin: Oh, I’m going to sleep all night in the snow.

Kenan: Sleep in the snow? Are you crazy?

Steve: For snow.

Kenan: Now I’m excited for snow.

What is Christmas with no Snow?

Martin: No white Christmas with no snow

All: Snow

Cecily: I’ll wash my hair with snow

Kenan: Why not?

Steve: Fill my underwear with snow

Kenan: If that’s your thing.

Martin: And when I see the snow
I’m gonna know is snow

Kenan: I would hope so.

All: Snow.

Kenan: So you really never seen snow? Where are you from?

Martin: The woods.

Kenan: The woods?

Cecily: Yes.

Kenan: Isn’t there snow there?

Cecily: Oh, tons. But we always sleep through it.

Steve: Otherwise we wouldn’t survive the winter.

Martin: No. Don’t worry about that. That’s why we have all these nuts with us.

Kenan: Oh wow. Nuts?

Cecily: [yelling] Those are ours!

Kenan: Okay. Sorry. Listen, it’s getting late.

I’d love to stay up late with you,
but like to get some
should I go to sleep?
And dream…

[The train background set comes back in]

All: Of snow, snow, snow, snow.

[train bell ringing]

Cecily: Well, that song made me sleepy. You know the rules.

Martin: But if you fall asleep, we break the spell.

Kenan: What’s spell?

Steve: Oh, that we won’t get our Christmas wish. Oh brother.

Kenan: What wish?

James: Aw, I was really hoping they’d make it this time. Those bears make the same Christmas wish every year to turn into humans and ride the train to Buffalo to see snow. But they always fall asleep and Hibernate.

[Kenan is now sitting with three big bears]

Kenan: Bears? What are you talking…? Hey, wake up. It’s snowing outside.

James: Shush. Don’t wake them up. Are you insane? They’ll kill us. They’re bears.

Kenan: Oh. Good point. Well, Merry Christmas bears. [sees nuts] Oh nuts.

Bear: Those are ours!