Tag: Kenan Thompson

Oscars Red Carpet Cold Open

Mario Lopez… Marcello Hernandez

Maria Menounos… Heidi Gardner

Mike Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Jamie Lee Curtis… Chloe Fineman

Colin Farrell… Mikey Day

Brandon Gleason… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Maria Menounos: Hello and welcome back to the  Oscars Red Carpet Pre Show.

Mario Lopez: I’m the man inside your hotel TV who tells you what the movies are, Mario Lopez.

Maria Menounos: And either Maria Menounos or Kit Hoover, they haven’t told me what yet.

Mario Lopez: And you’re about to watch the 95th Annual Academy Awards sponsored by Ozempic.

Maria Menounos: Ozempic, I guess everyone in Hollywood has diabetes.

Mario Lopez: And we are so excited to have been standing outside the Dolby Theatre for almost 153 hours.

Maria Menounos: We have not slept or use the bathroom. Our only food is a handful of sardines that they throw at us like we’re seals at the zoo.

Mario Lopez: But it’s all worth it to ask Angela Bassett if she really did the thing.

Maria Menounos: Oops, we almost forgot every 30 seconds we have to do a few awkward pan downs to women’s feed. Here we go.

[cut to videos of women’s lower halves walking in the red carpet]

Mario Lopez: Everyone needed to see that.

Maria Menounos: Now last year the Oscars had the slap which was awesome. I mean bad, so bad.

Mario Lopez: We hated all the attention.

Maria Menounos: So this year to make sure nothing crazy happens, the Academy hired a new head of security notoriously calm and same person, Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson: Oh, my goodness. Oh wow, thank you. Oh my goodness, that’s so nice of you. Thank you so much. I’m ready to handle the proceedings judiciously and expeditiously. But I should warn you, the following things will set me off. Clapping, statues of gold people and shows that lasts more than two hours. And also hearing the phrase “the magic of movies.”

Mario Lopez: And are there any new security measures in place?

Mike Tyosn: Oh, well, thank you for that question, Mario Luigi. Yes. This year all the nominees have been given tasers. All the seat fillers have been given guns. And Jimmy Kimmel has been given the flame thrower.

Maria Menounos: And not that we’re hoping for this, but are you worried at all that Will Smith is planning a second attack?

Mike Tyson: Yes, we are taking that threat very seriously. Luckily, we were able to slip one of those Apple air tags into Will Smith pocket. So we know exactly where he’ll be at all time. Unless of course he changed his pants and then he could be anywhere. So stay frosty everybody. Stay frosty.

Maria Menounos: Oh-oh, I’m legit scared.

Mario Lopez: And now of course, the show has faced a lot of complaints about a lack of diversity. But remember, Oscar turns 95 this year.

Maria Menounos: So, if you think about how racist and sexist your grandpa was at 95, by comparison, Oscar is looking pretty darn good.

Mario Lopez: And oh my gosh, speaking of looking good, it’s first time nominee for best supporting actress, Jamie Lee Curtis.

Jamie Lee Curtis: I mean, seriously, how great is this? I sold yogurt that made you poop and now I’m nominated?

Mario Lopez: Now, you have been refreshingly down to earth this whole award season. Who are you wearing tonight?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Kirkland by Costco.

Maria Menounos: Jamie, you’ve also been so vocally supportive of all your fellow nominees.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Well, because these actresses rule. Cate Blanchett, are you kidding me? She is so- Am I allowed to curse?

Mario Lopez: No.

Jamie Lee Curtis: She is so hot. And Tar? Oh my god. Tar was iconic, vivacious, carnivorous, queer, vague, confusing, long, partially in German and it was hands down the funniest movie of the year. And can I say one more thing?

Mario Lopez: I think you’re gonna.

Jamie Lee Curtis: What Ariana DeBose did at the Baptist was fun. It was by far the best live rat performance I’ve seen all year. It was incredible.

Mario Lopez: Well, good luck and have fun tonight. Oh no, I’m on my way home. It’s way past mommy’s bedtime.

Maria Menounos: Oh, I just love her. Now, one group that doesn’t traditionally watch the Oscars are Degenerate Gamblers. And that’s why this year we’re partnering with DraftKings to offer up to the minute gambling odds. What’s the latest update fellas?

Andrew: Well, guys, here are some of the latest betting lines. We got 3 to 1 odds that a young actor brings out an old actor in a wheelchair and regrets it immediately.

Devon: 2 in 1 that an actress who made $20 million last year will say the phrase “We are all Ukraine.”

Andrew: And 10 to 1 that someone in the in Memoriam is still alive.

Devon: We’re also seeing a lot of movement in the “Who’s gonna make a surprise appearance” poll.

Andrew: That’s right. Some of the favorite Long Shot picks so far are Chris Rock, Jared from Subway, Armie Hammer, The judges that overturn Roe V. Wade, George Santos pretending to be Tom Cruise, and this is 1 billion to 1 odds, Harvey Weinstein introduces Kanye West.

Maria Menounos: Wow, a girl can dream. But hold that thought because I’m told we have the stars of the Banshees of inner Sharon, Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason.

Colin Farrell: Hello.

Maria Menounos: How do you guys like your chances tonight?

[Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason start answering in hard Irish accents]

Mario Lopez: Wow, and they haven’t even started drinking yet.

Maria Menounos: This is so exciting. I’m being told we have Michelle Williams.

Mario Lopez: Close. It’s Michelle William’s Jewish acting coach for The Fablemans.

Sarah: Hello, hello, it’s wonderful to be here even though my hair is full cocked. But Barak Hashem, I’m here.

Maria Menounos: So is The Fablemans your first Hollywood project?

Sarah: Oh, sweetie, no. I was also that Jewish acting coach for marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and weirdly for Avatar. The third one is set in a thinly veiled Hasidic community, and I believe we have a photo.

Mario Lopez: And how did you think that Michelle’s performance turned out?

Sarah: Oh, for a goyim, she was amazing. And if I close my eyes and ears, I think she is Jewish. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find my acting coach Chuck Schumer.

Maria Menounos: Wow, I love getting that insight.

Mario Lopez: And finally, this is a surprise but we are joined by the one and only Tom Cruise.

George Santos: Hello, hi. Hi. Tom Cruise here. Wonderful to be here.

Maria Menounos: Oh my god. It’s George Santos.

George Santos: No, no, I’m definitely Thomas Q. Crew. Star of this year’s blockbuster film “Top Gun II: Top Bottom”.

Mario Lopez: George, you’re not fooling anyone.

George Santos: Yeah, except I did. And now I’m in Congress. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go be everyone everywhere all at once.

Maria Menounos: Okay, he’s a hoot. He’s a hoot.

Mario Lopez: Now, let’s take a quick break. And when we return, we’ll be talking with Pinocchio from Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio.

Pinocchio: I’m gonna scare so many kids.

Maria Menounos and Mario Lopez: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Exorcism

Father… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Andrew Dismukes

Claire… Jenna Ortega

Mrs. Shaw…Ego Nwodim

Frank… Kenan Thompson

Chloe: Father, can you save her? Can you save my daughter?

Father: I need Father Murphy? I can’t perform an exorcism alone.

[Claire is possessed]

Claire: You will rot in hell.

Andrew: Honey, hear my voice. I know you’re still in there, Claire.

[door knocking]

Chloe: Did someone just knock on our door?

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, hello. It’s the middle of the night. What is all the ruckus?

Chloe: Oh Father, this is our upstairs neighbor Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, and I should have been asleep 45 minutes ago. But I guess you all decided to throw a party on a Tuesday.

Father: This isn’t a party, Mrs. Shaw.

Andrew: It’s our daughter. She’s been possessed.

Chloe: We’re waiting for Father Murphy.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, don’t no one have to wait for him. I’ll do it.

Chloe: Do what?

Mrs. Shaw: The exorcism, I’m getting my sleep tonight.

[Claire is screaming] [Mrs. Shaw also screams in the same way]

Mrs. Shaw: See, I can do it too, okay? You don’t scare me sweetie.

Father; You should be careful. You’re in over your head.

Mrs. Shaw: In over my head? You know I have been a crossing guard at Nasaau and Edge Mont for 40 years. That’s six lanes. Every day, I’m the only thing stopping 300 mean fifth graders from getting sent straight to hell by UPS truck. Now where the cross at? Give it here. Give it here.

[Father gives the cross to Mrs. Shaw.]

Okay hello. [Claire screaming] Okay, you need to get out. [Claire screaming] Uh-uh, use your words.

Claire: Suck my butt.

Mrs. Shaw: No ma’am, I don’t do all that. I tossed salad once, and I was like, “Um-um, this ain’t for me.”

Chloe: Maybe we should just wait for the priest, Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I need to get my eight hours. [Claire starts levitating] Oh-oh, where is she going?

Claire: You’re going to hell, you stupid whore.

Mrs. Shaw: Stupid what now? Oh honey, you’re gonna have to do much better than that. Yesterday a third grader called me “A used up skank.” What else you got? Come on.

Claire: You’re an ugly- um.. umm…

Mrs. Shaw: Umm… Umm… what? Look at your stuttering. Now sit down baby before I turn on the ceiling fan. [Claire falls down] That’s what thought.

Andrew: My god, is it working?

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, it is. That is exactly what I thought.

Claire: Let me out.

Father: She’s expelling the demon. Quick. We’ll need a new vessel.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh okay good, I got you. I got you a vessel, all right. [walks to the window and screams upstairs] Frank! Get down here, Frank!

Frank: Woman, what do you want? I’m trying to sleep.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, you kind of asleep, but you’re talking. [Claire starts levitating again] A little girl. your ass better not be levitating back there. [Claire falls down again]

Claire: Sorry, Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Thank you baby.

Frank: Waking my ass up at 9pm in the middle of the night.

Mrs. Shaw: We doing an exorcism, Frank.

Frank: Yeah, well I shoulda been asleep 47 minutes ago.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, we know, baby. Now you gotta be a vessel for this demon.

Frank: Well, I want to do that.

Mrs. Shaw: Frank, if you don’t do it I’m a counselor sex date next week.

Frank: Oh, okay. Found my weak spot. Let me get situated first. All right. Come on now, demon. Do you worst. [Frank gets posses for a second, then continues reading the magazine.]

Claire: Oh my god. Mom, dad, what just happened? Why are the Shaws in our house? Shouldn’t they be asleep?

Chloe: Oh, my God. Mrs. Shaw, we can’t thank you enough.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, it’s all good. Y’all sleep tight now. Come on, Frank. Frank.

[Frank’s head is spinning around]

Frank: Ah! I don’t like this.

Fox & Friends Cold Open- Dominion Lawsuit

Steve Doocy… Mikey Day

Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… James Austin Johnson

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Famale voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set]

Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with my good friends Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.

Brian Kilmeade: Thank you, Steve. As always, we are coming to you live from our studio in New York City. New York what a cesspool.

Steve Doocy: Oh, that’s a Democrat run city for you.

Ainsley Earhardt: I know. Just today I was pushed onto the subway tracks by a homeless man and then push back on the platform by rats.

Steve Doocy: Argh, terrible. Well, you may have heard that Fox News is currently facing a $1.6 billion lawsuit from Dominion voting systems.

Brian Kilmeade: I’m surprised because I’m such a fan of Dominions. The little yellow guys with the overalls they go Banana.

Mike: No, Brian, not the Minions. We’re talking about the Dominion voting machines lawsuits. And our boss Rupert Murdoch gave some pretty shocking testimony in the case.

Ainsley Earhardt: This whole trial has been so unfair. They are raking him over the coals. Rupert Murdoch would never murder anyone.

Steve Doocy: Sorry. What?

Ainsley Earhardt: They sent him away for life. Look how sad he looks. Now, where’s that picture I found?

[a picture of Alex Murdoch appears on the screen]

Steve Doocy: Ainsley!

Ainsley Earhardt: What?

Steve Doocy: That’s not Rupert Murdoch. That’s Alex Murdoch.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, we just blew the case wide open. They got the wrong guy.

Steve Doocy: Okay, I’ll explain later. Anyway, Rupert Murdoch admitted that Fox News aired election fraud conspiracies to get ratings even though everyone at Fox knew they were false.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I didn’t. Loop a brother in next time.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, you may be wondering if it’s such a big story, why haven’t I heard about it on Fox?

Brian Kilmeade: I think it’s because they’re suing us for $1.6 billion.

Steve Doocy: No, it’s cuz it’s complete BS. The media is taking private texts from Fox News hosts and showing them completely out of content.

Brian Kilmeade: Like this one from Sean Hannity. “Rudy Giuliani is insane…” How could you leave out the rest? It’s “Rudy Giuliani is insanely hot. I just want to lick that head guy.”

Steve Doocy: Oh-hoo. I mean, who wouldn’t? Right? And some of the messages they showed at the trial didn’t even relate to the lawsuit at all. For example, the text “Mind blowingly nuts,” “Off the rails,” and “F-ing lunatic” were all sent in response to Laura Ingram’s text, “What should I put my Tinder bio?”

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay. You go girl. It’s hard out there.

Steve Doocy: All right. We have a special guest whose appearances on Fox were heavily featured in the trial, is a Fox News staple and happens to be our number one advertiser, it’s mMy Pillow’s Mike Lindell.

Mike Lindell: Hello Ainsley and the guys. I’m down at CPAC right now and it is an absolute blast. I was just over at the Biden dunk tank. It’s not the real Biden you dunk, but the actor is just as old. So you never know if he’s coming back up. There’s real risk there.

Brian Kilmeade: It’s great. Well, we’re glad to have you on but because of this lawsuit, our lawyers have asked you please don’t say anything crazy about Dominion.

Mike Lindell: No problem, I’ve been briefed. I know the rules. Every Dominion machine has a Venezuelan Oompah Loompah inside. They eat the votes with its little mouth.

Steve Doocy: Mike, gotta cut you off there, pal. You know, we can’t just be saying whatever anymore.

Mike Lindell: Oh, of course. Of course. Let me choose my words carefully. Dominion voting machines give triple votes to Democrats, illegals, and that lady Eminem that stuck shaving her pits.

Steve Doocy: Mike, okay, we’re gonna have to end it there.

Mike Lindell: That’s probably for the best. I have to say there’s whole Dominion thing has been a nightmare for me and my family, especially my wife. [pulls out a pillow] Sorry, Philomena, you know, it’s true.

Steve Doocy: All right. Okay. Well, let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll talk more about the Alex Murdoch’s sentencing with our Fox Crime expert, OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: What? Man, I don’t know why everybody thinks I’m an expert on this. Shoot. Booking me on the show without telling me why. Makes me so mad. I could just- No, I’m okay. Hey, man, live from New York. It’s Saturday night. You know what I’m saying?

Submarine Launch

Mr. Dobbs… Kenan Thompson

Captain… Woody Harrelson

Mr. Dobbs: Attention. Crew, President accounted for, sir.

Captain: Thank you, Mr. Dobbs. At ease. Little fish. there’s trouble out there in the water so they turned us? We’re not going out there with a pants down. No, sir. Uncle Sam gave us first class tickets on a $5 billion nuclear submarine, isn’t that right?

Soldiers: Sir, yes, sir.

Captain: And this lethal Ohio class killer machine has been entrusted to us for one purpose, to defend our country, God’s country. Now the President may call the shots, but this here is my submarine. And it’s a proud boat, isn’t it, Mr. Dobbs?

Mr. Dobbs: Very proud, sir.

Captain: It represents the best of us.

Mr. Dobbs: The absolute best, sir.

Captain: And this ship has noble name doesn’t it, Mr. Dobbs.

Mr. Dobbs: Very normal, sir.

Captain: And what is that name, Mr. Dobbs?

Mr. Dobbs: Mr. dingleberries Gooch Balloon ASDFJKL; 6969, sir.

Captain: Say it again?

Soldiers: Mr. dingleberries Gooch Balloon ASDFJKL; 6969, sir.

Captain: And why does it have that name?

Mikey: Because it was decided by an online poll, sir.

Captain: Why did we let that be the name?

Mikey: Because we didn’t take the poll seriously until it was too late, sir.

Captain: What percentage of people voted for this to be the name?

Soldiers: An overwhelming majority, sir.

Captain: And why did we have a poll in the first place?

Michael: to get more followers on Instagram, si.

Captain: And did this mission succeed?

Bowen: We got more views on our stories, but our followers grew pretty much the normal rate, sir.

Captain: And who is Mr. Dingleberry?

Soldiers: Everyone assumes it was you, sir.

Captain: And what was the runner up in the poll?

Marcello: Dookie Cruiser, sir.

Captain: And was that any better?

Soldiers: If it was shorter but equally bad, sir.

Captain: And what does ASDFJKL; mean?

James: It’s just what you get if you roll your fingers across the keyboard, sir.

Captain: And how to rearrange it and try to pronounce it?

Andrew: By saying ass of a jackal, sir.

Captain: But we decided what?

Mikey: That ass of the jackal was too complicated. And we should just say the letter, sir.

Captain: And did we know how to deal with the semicolon?

Soldiers: We did not, sir.

Captain: So, what did we decide to do?

Devon: We decided to just call it semicolon, sir.

Captain: And who was behind this prank?

Mikey: @GayKevinFromTheOffice420, sir.

Captain: And who is that GayKevinFromTheOffice?

Soldiers: Just a random guy, sir.

[phone ringing]

Captain: Hello, my darling wife. Is it urgent? And why is it urgent? And why are you leaving me? And on which days will I see the kids? Okay, then. Now, who thinks they know why my wife is leaving me?

Soliders: We all do.

Captain: And why is that?

Mr. Dobbs: Because she didn’t want to be Mrs. Dingleberry, sir.

[Submarine starts shaking]

Captain: And who blew up the submarine just now?

Soldiers: We all did, sir.

Captain: And why did we do it?

Bowen: Because we didn’t want to die on something called the Gooch Balloon, sir.

Captain: Damn right. Chief of the boat, dismiss the crew.

Mr. Dobbs: Aye-aye. Mr. Dingleberry crew, fall out.

Soldiers: Yeah!

Slingshot

Sam… Woody Harrelson

Kevin… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of people in line to play Slingshot]

Kevin: Oh man, here we are. Come on. Y’all want to do the Slingshot?

Heidi: Oh my god, look at this thing. It’s so high.

Sam: Man. That’s way up there.

Kevin: Come on, it’s not that high. Let’s do it. Who’s coming?

Ego: Baby, you know I can’t get on that thing. I get so scared.

Kevin: Oh, come on. Please.

Heidi: Sam will go with you.

Sam: Me? Yeah, well, I don’t know. I mean-

Kevin: Yeah, come on, Sam. You can punk out in front of your girl.

Heidi: Yes, Sam. Kevin needs a partner. You’re brave, right?

Sam: Okay. I guess.

Attendant: Gentlemen, ready to fly?

Kevin: Oh, yeah.

Attendant: We’re clear for takeoff.

Sam: This thing’s safe, right?

Attendant: Of course. It shoots you up 400 feet for three seconds. No problem, right?

Kevin: Sounds good to me.

Attendant: Yeah. Just 10 G’s right in your face. Hope you’re okay with that.

Kevin:  Doesn’t bother me at all, man. I’m a veteran. I was in the Air Force.

Attendant: Love that.

Sam: You know what? I want to get off.

Kevin: Get off? Man, it’s too late with that now, Sammy.

Sam: No, no, no, I really, really want to get off.

Kevin: Hey, he can’t hear you, man. Just get ready for the countdown. Oh, here we go. All right, it’s happening in 3-2-1. Oh my goodness. Oh my god, Jesus.

[Kevin faints]

Sam: Man, this is so high. Whooo! It’s like we’re birds. Hey Kevin, I think I can see my house. Kevin? You see it?

Kevin: Yeah, I got it. [wakes up] Ahh! [He screams for a while then faints again]

Sam: Hey man, you passed out? Kevin? Kevin?

Heidi: Oh my god. Did you see how fast they went up?

Ego: That was insane. It was so insane. I know. I know. I know. Okay, here they come, here they come.

[Sam and Kevin walk to them]

Heidi: Hey, you’re alive.

Sam: Ha-ha-ha.

Ego: How was it?

Sam: Crazy. I can’t believe I did that. They shoot you up so high.

Kevin: Yeah, that was pretty wild.

Ego: Was it fun?

Sam: Oh, actually it was. Man, I mean, that was a once in a lifetime experience.

Kevin: It sure was. Let’s go and get in the car now.

Ego: No, you know what, Kevin? I’ll do it.

Kevin: Oh you gonna do it?

Ego: Yeah. You’ll go with me right, baby?

Kevin: Yeah, yeah, of course.

Heidi: Go, girl. I love it.

Ego: I can’t believe we’re doing this.

Kevin: I can’t believe it either.

[Ego and Kevin walk to the seats]

Attendant: Glad to have you back.

Attendant: Looks like a returned customer. Very brave.

Kevin: Yeah, yeah. Hey man, can we go up real soft and come down real gentle?

Attendant: No can do. This thing has only one speed.

Ego: Baby, we’re gonna be okay, right?

Kevin: I want to say yes. I guess we just gotta wait for the countdown. Alright, here we go. In 3-2. Ahhh! [screaming] No, no, no.

[Kevin faints]

Ego: Kevin? Kevin, you okay baby? Kevin? Oh my god. Talk to me. Kevin?

Kevin: [wakes up] Ah, I’m passing out. I’m passing out!

[Kevin faints again]

Ego: What do you mean passing out? You were in the Air Force.

Kevin: Yes, yes. I was only painting the planes though.

Ego: Kevin? Just calm down.

Kevin: Oh baby, I lost my job three weeks ago.

Ego: You lost your job?

Kevin: Oh my goodness. I’m 17 years older too, by the way. I ain’t tell you, I thought you daddy was gonna tell you. [faints again]

Ego: What? Kevin?

Kevin: [wakes up] Oh, I’m peeing. I’m peeing on everything. I’m peeing all over the place, honey. Oh, get me out of here.

Heidi: You know what? I wanna do it.

Ego: Oh good. Kevin will go with you.

Kevin: No. No, I’m done.

Heidi: Oh, this is fun.

Kevin: Why is nobody listening to me? Oh, I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready. Ah!

[Kevin faints again]

Jail Scene

Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

Willie… Woody Harrelson

Carla… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Woody’s wife visiting him in jail]

Officer: All right. 6117, you got five minutes.

Willy: Oh, Carla Jean. God, so good to see your face.

Carla: I missed you too, Willie.

Willy: Look, I know I made a damn mess of things on the outside, but I swear I’ve changed.

Carla: I hope so. I’m tired of coming here Willie. I really am.

Willy: I know honey. I know. Listen, when I get out of here I’m gonna do you right. I mean, you hear me? I am I’m gonna give you the life you’ve always deserved. Mark my words. I’m gonna be out of here soon.

Ego: No, he’s not.

Willy: What was that?

Ego: Hey, you say whatever you want. That’s your conversation.

Willy: Listen here Carla Jean, you remember that house on Cherry Lane, the one with the white picket fence? When I get out of here, I’m gonna buy us that house.

Ego: Whooo! In today’s market? That is funny.

Willy: I’m sorry it’s a problem?

Ego: Hey, it seems to me like you want one. Leave me out of this. All y’all get on my damn nerves. This man say he gonna buy her house. Buy a house?

Willy: You know, Carla Jean, prison’s actually been good for me.

Ego: No he lying.

Willy: I’ve been reading a lot.

Ego: Say he gonna buy a house.

Willy: I’m actually trying to get my GED.

Ego: Wanna buy a full damn house? Not even a duplex, but a house?

Willy: I think I’m-

Ego: I can’t buy a house and I’m not even in jail. I rent one bedroom apartment and got a damn roommate, who’s always using my soap. Seeing her hair on my bar soap and not from her head either. You want to buy a house? I had a house, ex boyfriend caught it on fire.

Willy: Will you please? I’m trying to talk to my wife.

Ego: That’s your wife. You’re still married?

Carla: Listen baby, you’re the only man for me and no matter how long you’re in here, whether it’s a day or 1000 years I will always wait for you.

Kenan: No, she not.

Carla: Sorry, can you not?

Kenan: Hey, I’m not here. I’m just wallpaper, okay? But she sure had some tall brother drop her off. He out there waiting in the car. AC cranked all the way up. Probably wasting all the damn gas. Listening to Club Random, you know, Bill Maher’s podcast. Yeah, but she talking about she gonna wait for him. Yeah, okay.

Carla: You know, little Willie Jr. is growing up so fast, he got the cutest smile. In fact, he looks just like you.

Kenan: No, he don’t.

Carla: Come on.

Kenan: Wallpaper, okay? Little boy got red hair, though. I mean, you ain’t got no rain. He ain’t got no red hair. tall brother in the car got some red hair though. Man, somebody’s math ain’t mathing. That boy look like Chucky. Yeah, you know Chucky from the Rugrats? Not knife Chucky. Yeah, coming to think of it, knife Chucky got red hair too. every damn Chucky got red hair. Wow, name me one Chucky that ain’t got red hair. Probably Chucky Cheese. Yeah, the Chucky Cheese. What’s he? A rat with a hat? Underneath that, there’s probably some red hair.

Carla: Oh my god, I really can’t with you over my shoulder.

Kenan: Ma’am. I am not your problem. Okay? What I am is wallpaper. El Papel of the wall.

Willie: Look, Carla Jean.

Ego: Ay, hold up, hold up. Ay, Carla Jean, give Dudsy the phone.

Kenan: What, you want to talk to me?

Ego: Yeah, Dudsy, Dudsy.

Kenan: Yes, one second.

Ego: This fool over her talking about he gonna buy her house.

Willie: It’s called manifest.

Ego: Why are you eavesdropping?

Kenan: Well, this lady over here talking about she going wait for him because she thinks he getting that house. She ain’t waiting for nobody. She got a tall red haired Chucky out there-

Ego: House? How’s he gonna buy a house? He has no money. He can’t even afford a candy bar. [crosstalk]

Kenan and Ego: You know what I should do? Go in on a time share.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s what I’m saying.

Carla: Yeah, okay. I guess I’m just gonna go.

Willie: I’ll just head back to the jail.

Kenan: Go ahead, man.

[crosstalk]

Waking Up

Doctor… Bowen Yang

Charlie… Pedro Pascal

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Sarah Sherman

Heidi: Doctor, I can’t believe this. How long has my husband been awake?

Bowen: Since this morning. And hey, call me Dr. Jim. He’s still very weak after the coma, but his mouth is moving and it seems like he wants to speak.

Kenan: Oh my god, I thought I lost my best friend. This is a miracle.

Sarah: I know. Look, he’s waking up.

Heidi: Charlie. Hey, it’s me. Welcome back.

Charlie: Oh my god. Where am I? Why am I in a bed? I don’t got anything that’s going on right now.

Heidi: Doctor?

Doctor: It’s very common. He’s gonna be a little confused at first.

Charlie: Why is everybody-? Who is everybody? Why am I wearing paper?

Kenan: Did you say paper? Now that your hospital robe, buddy?

Heidi: Yeah, honey, you were in a little accident.

Charlie: Why are you calling me honey? Who are you?

Heidi: I’m your wife.

Charlie: Okay, not today.

Heidi: Did he say “Not today?” Honey, we’ve been married for eight years.

Charlie: Let’s just put a pin in that.

Heidi: Doctor?

Doctor: He may not recognize you right now. But the important thing is, is that he’s up and talking.

Kenan: Yeah, but he’s talking with this like LA Mosh mouth thing. I mean, I’ve literally never heard that before.

Charlie: You think I sound LA? Thank you. I love LA.

Heidi: He has a totally different personality.

Doctor: This is completely normal and temporary. There’s even been instances of people coming out of comas and speaking foreign languages they could never before.

Charlie: Can I speak Spanish? Let me try. Saba, saba, sama, sama. Sounds like Spanish to me.

Kenan: No. It’s not Spanish. Is his brain okay?

Doctor: Let’s find out. Charlie, listen very carefully. You measure my life in two hours. And I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. What am I?

Charlie: Duh, you’re a condo.

Doctor: He’s fine.

Heidi: That’s how you test for brain damage? [pulls out her phone] Okay honey, look at this video. This is what you normally sound like.

Charlie [in video]: Hey babe, made it to Arkansas. Pretty cool place. Miss you.

Charlie: Okay, he’s the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. Why does he live in Arkansas?

Sarah: No, Charlie, that’s you. You are on a business trip in Arkansas. That’s where you got hit by that Party City Truck.

Charlie: That’s not me. And who are you? Another wife?

Sarah: No, I’m not your wife. I’m your sister.

Charlie: Let’s put a pin in that.

Heidi: Why does he keep wanting to put a pin in things? Are you sure his brand is okay?

Doctor: Absolutely. Watch this. Charlie, Identify these objects. Okay?

Charlie: [ball card] Baa. [bird card] Bi. [boat card] Bo. [card with Bill Burr’s face] Bill Burr.

Doctor: He’s fine. Great job Charlie.

Charlie: Aw, thank you.

Heidi: Please, I want my old Charlie back. Look at him.

Charlie: No. I’m way skinnier than him.

Kenan: That’s because you lost 50 pounds in the coma.

Charlie: Oh, good for me.

Heidi: Doctor, I just don’t know if I can handle that.

Charlie: Oh my god. Don’t cry. You’re gonna make me cry. Come on, hold my hand. Look, I don’t know who you are. And despite what I said, I can’t speak Spanish. But the important thing is you’re my soulmate. And you and I, [in normal voice] you and I are going to be fine.

Doctor: See how he’s sounding clearer already?

Charlie: Because no matter what, people always gonna do that talk. And that’s the truth.

Doctor: Okay, he’s back sliding a little.

Heidi: What do I do?

Doctor: Meet him where he’s at.

Heidi: [speaking like him] Charlie, I’m your wife and I’ll never get tired.

Doctor: Really?

Sarah: [speaking like him] Yes, and that goes same for me.

Kenan: [speaking like him] Now, I’m going to cry. And I like, never cry.

Charlie: Aww, you guys

Spy Balloon Cold Open

Katy Tur… Chloe Fineman

William Hamilton… Kenan Thompson

Balloon… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro] [Cut to Katy in her news set] [cheers and applause]

Katy: Good evening. It’s good to be with you. I’m Katy Tur, and tonight Our long national nightmare is over. We got the balloon. The discovery of the massive surveillance balloon earlier this week inflammed already volatile US-Chinese relations and had many on the right calling the Biden administration’s response soft, including this tweet from Donald Trump Jr. saying, “If my dad was president, there would be no balloons!!!!” And this one from Marjorie Taylor Greene saying, “Look, it’s the real moon.” For more details, I’m honored to be joined tonight by Pentagon official and aviation expert General William Hamilton.

William: Thank you for having me.

Katy: Congratulations general, on your successful mission.

William: Thank you. We popped the balloon.

Katy: General, we’ve never seen an object like this gain entry into our airspace before. How did that happen?

William: That’s an excellent question, Katy. The balloon was somehow able to get past our West Coast anti balloon defense system, the Seattle Space Needle. But once it was here, we were able to keep an eye on it with our sophisticated tracking technology of going like this. [looks above]

Katy: Understood.

William: I know there were questions about why we didn’t shoot it down immediately. But we wanted to wait till it was over the coast so that it wouldn’t fall on people or go shoos-shoo-shoo-shoo and land on my car.

Katy: It looked like it was a very exciting operation. Can you take us through it?

William: Well, I did bring a 3d rendering of the enemy target. [pulls out a small balloon toy out of his pocket] Now, imagine this is a lot bigger, but then pretty far away it looks a lot smaller too.

Katy: Now, that was gathering intel. Was it taking pictures?

William: We don’t know. But I do know if you tap it, it plays music [William taps the small balloon toy. It plays music.]

Katy: Okay, well General, thank you so much for your heroism and for protecting our nation.

William: Thank you, Mrs. Tur. And I want everyone to know that we will not tolerate any form of Chinese spy. But to be honest, they already have everything they need from TikTok. So scroll away, kids.

Katy: Thank you General, and this is exciting. I’m getting word we have located the remains of the balloon and I’m told we have a live feed. Let’s see how it looks.

[Cut to Bowen as a balloon, wearing balloon costume floating on a sea]

Balloon: Well, you got me. Congrats, you shot a balloon.

Katy: Wow, balloon. Well, I’m sorry. You’re in the water. But thank you for speaking to us.

Balloon: I entertain new people for four days. And then get shot by Biden? I can’t believe I’m Joe’s O’Sama.

Katy: Now I have to ask What were you doing flying over Montana?

Balloon: I love the show Yellowstone, so I was just there. It’s like succession but outside. Now I’m all wet. So what a day.

Katy: Well, I’m actually surprised you’re still floating. Experts were saying you’re the size of three buses.

Balloon: Okay, ouch. I’m a balloon. So that’s my body. How would you like it if someone measured your width in buses? I’m sorry. I’m not camera ready. And who’s this? [a pigeon flies near] No, no, no, no, no, don’t, get away. God. I hate the ocean. I’m really more of an air guy.

Katy: Look, I’m sorry. But people were worried they were being spied on.

Balloon: By me? A balloon. Everyone’s being surveilled constantly, but it’s always shoot the balloon and never unplug Alexa. If you care so much about your data, why do you all keep your bank passwords in the Notes app? Okay? You mail your literal DNA to a company to find out if you’re 10% French, but just we just a balloon.

Katy: Now the concern was that you were taking sensitive images of the US.

Balloon:I was so far away. It’s like when your aunt takes a concert video on her iPad. And you’re like, I guess that’s my Googoo Bleh. I couldn’t even tell what I was looking at from up there. Like frankly, I thought the state lines would be like drawn out. I thought I would see words over the places

Katy: Well, we just did what we had to do to protect the security of our country.

Balloon: Oh, why is everyone freaking out because I’m a Chinese balloon? Because where I come from, I’m just a balloon.

Katy: Well thanks for speaking with us today and we’re sorry for how everything had to go down.

Balloon: Oh Katy, don’t do that. You’ve made it very clear that I’m not welcome here. So good job. But let me tell you something. You’re gonna miss this Chinese spy balloon, I mean normal balloon. Dammit. Well, whatever. We already have your data. And live from New York it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Doorman Carl on the New York Rental Market

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York is expected to be the most expensive rental market in 2023. Here to talk about it is the new doorman to my building, Carl.

[Carl slides in]

Carl: Ay! What’s up, Mr. Che? How are you doing, man? Just a little reminder, I noticed that you haven’t given me end of the year tip yet.

Michael Che: You just started.

Carl: Oh, well maybe soon then. Mam, you remember that night when things got wild? I talked to the police for you?

Michael Che: I don’t remember that.

Carl: I know right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Carl: Hard to keep track of all the crazy nights when Mr. Michael Che is your tenant. Tough to remember which night is wild? And which night is just ruggle? Oh man, we living that life, Che.

Michael Che: We?

Carl: Yeah, man. We doing the damn thing? My dog. [looking around] So what’s this? What do you do here, man?

Michael Che: This is SNL, man. It’s my job.

Carl: Oh, okay. Oh, so you just out here making the big bucks in a half suit and jeans. Hey buddy, Che. Che.

Michael Che: What, man?

Carl: You know that lady came around looking for you again. Right?

Michael Che: Who?

Carl: You know the one. That lady. She like, real smart.

Michael Che: All right.

Carl: Always mad. She came to the building again asking about you, man. But don’t worry. I told her you moved to Jamaica. I did good, right?

Michael Che: Why would you say that? I’m absolutely here in New York on live TV right now.

Carl: Yeah, she ain’t watching.

Michael Che: Okay, well, thank you Carl.

Carl: Hey, Che! Che! You know, that little kid came around looking for you, right? He was talking about, “Tell Che my mama said he got to take me to the zoo.” He said his name was DeMichael or something. I don’t know, man. I’m just a vessel.

Michael Che: Oh my god. That’s not my kid.

Carl: That’s right. That’s what I told that little dummy. That’s right. Che, teamwork make the dream work. Up top, man.

Michael Che: Well, thank you for stopping by man. I really—

Carl: Hey, Che! You know, that dog came around looking for you, right? He got that bark like, “Hrrr, hrrr, Che, Che, Che, Che.” I swear, that’s what he’d be saying, man. I understood the dog talking. Yeah. Hey, man. Who is Cornelius?

Michael Che: I don’t know.

Carl: You sure? Because every night at eight o’clock, this man shows up and leaves one shoe on my desk and says, “Tell Michael Chang this is from Cornelius. And if he wants the other shoe, tell him to meet me under the bridge.” Bro, New York is wild, man.

Michael Che: Okay, now I know you have to go. I mean, I mean, who’s watching the building right now?

Carl: Oh, no. Don’t worry. I put a sign up there, says “If you look up Michael Che, just call 9Carl7-7Carl—

Michael Che: No, don’t give them my phone number.

Carl: Why not?

Michael Che: That’s against the rules.

Carl: It is? Well, I guess that’s why I’m a doorman and you here making crazy money using that desk to hide your dirty jeans.

Michael Che: Carl, my doorman, everybody.

Carl: Hey man, there were six cats looking for you.

Towel Guys

Kenan Thompson

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with two towel guys talking to each other]

Kenan: And they looking man, they looking, they looking, and then somehow they find Nemo?

Marcello: No. That’s crazy, man. It’s a big ocean and like a small little fish.

Kenan: Oh man. They got lucky, man. What can I say? They got lucky?

Heidi: Hey, can I get a towel?

Kenan: Yeah, one more. Hey, you American?

Heidi: I am, yeah.

Marcello: Ellen Dememenemes?

Heidi: What?

Marcello: You know, the TV lady. Ellen Demenemes. She always come out dancing. You know what I mean? Like…

[Marcello and Kenan start dancing]

Heidi: Okay.

Kenan: You don’t know Ellen Demenemes? She married to the car. The Porsche. This chick is funny, man.

Heidi: Yeah, Ellen DeGeneres. Can I please have my towel?

Marcello: Of course. No problem.

Heidi: Okay, that took way too long.

Kenan: [mocking] Oh, I’m sorry. Way too long. You know? Last night I saw this movie ‘Mission Impossible’. But the mission not impossible because he gonna do it.

Marcello: They should call it ‘Mission He Probably Gonna Do It’.

Kenan: Right?

Michael: What’s up, fellas? Can I get a towel por favor?

Kenan: Oh, my friend is on dualingo.

Michael: Ah! You know, to show you a little taste.

Kenan: Yeah. You American?

Michael: Yeah, I’m from New Jersey.

Marcello: Oh, Tony Soprano.

Kenan: Tony Soprano.

Marcello: Give me a cannoli.

Kenan: Give me a cannoli.

Marcello: Give me a cannoli, or I’m gonna drown you.

Kenan: One thing about Tony, man. You don’t give him his Cannoli, he gonna drown you. That’s easy for him coz he’s strong.

Marcello: Hey man, here’s your towel.

Michael: Thanks. Gracias. Todo del banyo.

Marcello: Dualingo.

Kenan: You’re welcome for the bathroom, man. Did you guys see?

Mike: Ah, what’s so funny?  Did you guys see Ellen Demenemes?

[They start dancing]

Kenan: No, no. She’s not here.

Mike: Well, I just want to take in with my two favorite towel guys.

Marcello: Hey, question for you. Is it true that you trying to replace us with a machine?

Mike: No, no, no, I would never do that. No.

Kenan: Could you please?

Marcello: Yeah, man, because then we can do different job in the hotel. You know, I want to fold the toilet paper into a little triangle. So for the first wipe is crazy.

Kenan: Yeah. And I want to be the concierge. You know? I get a map. And then I circled things on the map. And then I say you can go down.

Mike: Well, as William Shakespeare once said, the very substance of the ambition is merely a shadow of a dream.

Sarah: Excuse me. I’ve been waiting 15 minutes for my umbrella.

Mike: Sorry, I no speak English. [Sarah leaves getting frustrated] Guys want to know a secret? I do speak English.

Marcello: Oh man, you’re crazy.

Kenan: Oh my god. Mamacitas, two o’clock.

Chloe: Hey, can we get a couple of towels?

Marcello: Oh yes, of course. This one for the old little mermaid and one for the new little mermaid.

Kenan: A whole new girl.

Chloe: Yeah, very funny, guys.

Ego: And that song is from Aladdin. Yeah.

Kenan: Aladdin?

Marcello: Like, climb on a-ladder?

Kenan: Climb on a-ladder.

James: Hey, I’m having the time of my life down here in Punta Cana.

Marcello: Oh, that’s nice.

James: Yeah, I love the way you’ll be playing with the plantain. I didn’t think I was gonna like it, but now I’m like banana for dinner? Okay.

Kenan: Hey, man, you know who you sound like? You sound like the Forrest Gump.

Marcello: Oh yeah. That guy who can’t find Yanni, you know? His brain don’t reach his leg, so he can run forever.

Kenan: So he can run forever.

James: Hey, I just want to thank you fellows for all your help today. Do you mind if I give you a little something for your trouble?

Kenan: Oh, yes. It’s okay, we accept tips, papi.

James: I’ll do you one better than a tip. How about a prayer? Here we go. Lord, please protect these wonderful Dominican gentlemen from the harsh rays of the sun Lord.

Marcello: That’s nice.

Kenan: I wanted the money.

James: Please, Lord, this morning, please put a cool fresh breeze in their hearts, Lord.

Marcello: That’s good.

Kenan: The money will be better.

James: And Lord, protect them from all evil in Jesus name. Amen.

Kenan: Alright. Thank you very much.

Marcello: You know Jesus is good.

Kenan: Yes, Jesus is good. Money is better. You know what I’m saying? Hey, you know who has a lot of money?

Both: Ellen Demenemes.

[they start dancing]