Weekend Update Willie on Thanksgiving

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, Thursday is Thanksgiving and I for one is really not looking forward to it. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Michael, how are you doing? Oh, I just love thanksgiving. My whole family getting together. Sitting around the table giving me ultimatum to quit drinking.

Michael Che: That sounds terrible.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Yeah. Family time is best part of thanksgiving, Michael. Reminds of me when I was a little boy. Me and my cousins going to our grandparents’ house, sneaking a sip of warm spicy cider from my grand daddy’s bedpan.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Dude!

Willie: And boy, do I miss my granny’s cooking. Oh, you would have loved her famous pecan pie. That crust was so  b, pecan so juicy, you can barely taste the legs. [Cut to Willie] I can still hear my grandmama now yelling, “It’s roaches in the pie, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: That’s disgusting.

Willie: Oh? But don’t you love watching football on thanksgiving day, Michael? It reminds me of when I watched the game on TV with my daddy. [Cut to Willie] He pointed to the screen and he said, “Son, you see that man running with the ball? That’s OJ Simpson. He had sex with your mama and one day I’m gonna frame him for murder.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: Well, I mean, sure! I may not live a life of luxury, maybe I don’t have a coat, or toenails, but I do have something that nobody could ever take away from me.

Michael Che: What’s that?

Willie: Outstanding warrants. Let me tell you, Michael, [Cut to Willie] I can’t wait to see that Macy’s parade again. You ever gone there as a kid?

Michael Che: I have actually.

Willie: You see all those big pretty balloons? I remember every thanksgiving, my uncle Joe would show me ‘Woody woodpecker’, and then he zip up his pants drive me down to the parade.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Yeah, man. I really can’t relate to any of those stuff, Willie.

Willie: Well, you know who really loves thanksgiving, my old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] Yeah, every year I take him down to the turkey farm to play with the turkeys. You should see, just wrestling and trolling, feathers flying everywhere, and if you listen real close, it almost sounds like old Lucias is definitely crying for help. For like they always say, Michael, “Those turkeys are running the train on your dog, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: My neighbor, Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Secret Word with Kristen Wiig

Grant Chaod… Kenan Thompson

Lyle Round… Bill Hader

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Isabella Lolacopolla… Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with GSN channel program schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Quiz Pigz, but first, Secret Word.

Announcer: it’s time to play the game the stars play. Secret Word, with your host Grant, Choad!

[Cut to Grant Chaod] [cheers and applause]

Grant Chaod: Welcome to Secret Word. I am Grant Choad. It’s such a thrill to be taking over as a new host of this show, and to be America’s first eve black game show host. I think it happened because I auditioned over the phone. Over the phone. For those of you who are missing the previous host, Lyle Round, he recently retired Palm Springs and sent us this pre-recorded message for his fans.

[Cut to picture of Lyle Round]

Lyle Round: I’m sorry I’m not there. I stopped wanting to be. Alright!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

Grant Chaod: Thank you, Lyle. Enjoy your retirement. Okay, why don’t we meet our celebrities? Our first guest is a regular on this show and is best known for a work on the broadway stage. Please welcome, Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson comes in dancing]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hello. Hello. When I’m not doing this, I’m waiting to do this.

Grant Chaod: Oh, Mindy. You look amazing as always.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Melissa]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Grant. I lubed my lips with margarine and I’m wearing scotch tape on my temples to hold my face up.

[Grant Chaod laughing]

Grant Chaod: Terrific. Well, we’re very lucky to have our next celebrity. She is the Italian star of such movies as ‘Il Bastardo’ and ‘La Vida Pizza’. Please welcome Italian bombshell,Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in]

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s so good to be here. Oh, my god, look. [Mindy Elise Grayson holds a puppy] Look, my little Bambino followed me out here. [to puppy] Why you no listen to me, hah? Go home. Go. You want more than I can give, baby. Come on. Go.

[The dog runs out]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Well, that chihuahua really loves you. I can’t say that I blame him.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, [slaps Grant Chaod] watch your mouth. I’m sorry baby, I love you, don’t be mad at me.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Oh, you’re an emotional jack in the box. Let’s begin the game. Mindy, are you ready?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, yes. Just let me do my vocal warm up. Tanya told the teacher that the preacher didn’t touch her. La, la, la. The preacher told the teacher that he simply couldn’t reach her. Let’s play.

Grant Chaod: 10 seconds on the clock, Mindy.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Branch’.

Mindy Elise Grayson: [thinking] Alright. Alright. Look at me. This one’s easy.

Grant Chaod: Remember Mindy, do not say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I think I’ve played this game enough to know the rules. I know. You’re new but I’ve got this covered. Branch.

[buzzer]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hah! She said the secret word, huh?

Bobby: Oh, okay. Just relax!

[Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, you, be a man.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, um, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, I did. I did. It’s the actress in me. I see a word and I bring it to life. Just like I did in the play “She Stoops to Concord: The Story of a Legless Grape Picker.” [acting] Mama! Mama! I picked all the grapes. Could someone throw me on the truck? Why didn’t you tell me I didn’t have legs?

The New York time said, “Bad!”

Grant Chaod: Alright. Let’s go over to Isabella’s team. Isabella, are you going to give or receive?

Mindy Elise Grayson: I will give until there’s nothing left to give.

Grant Chaod: Oh! Well, that will cook my spaghetti. 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Bird.’

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s Bird. [buzzer] Hey, what’s the matter with you, huh? I tell you what it is and you sit there like a donkey in the square.

Bobby: I’m sorry. Just please don’t hit me again.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! But I want to. [Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Isabella, you said the secret word. I can’t give you a point. Well, Mindy, I guess it’s your turn again.

Melissa: Maybe you should receive this time?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! The last time I received was after a drunken night with producer Darryl Zanuck. Yes. He made me cover my face with one of Elizabeth Taylor’s publicity photos. I just wish there had been eyeholes.

Grant Chaod: Yeah, we don’t need a story every time. Let’s put 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is Floral.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Alright. Um, this is a nice word. It’s what you give on a opening night.

Melissa: Champagne?

Mindy Elise Grayson: No. It’s what you give the director for casting you in the show.

Melissa: A card.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah, right. I didn’t wanna get graphic. It’s when you undo his tuxedo zipper and sing into his pink friend.

Grant Chaod: What?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh! Wait. I got some hand creme on the screen. it’s Floral, not oral. I did oral.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, you said the secret word again. And you also said “Pink friend”

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yeah. I know I did. I blew it, yes, I did. Just like I blew all my lines in the musical, “Saimese Sally and the Pad Thai Clan.” Here’s the 11 o’clock number, hit it.

[music playing] [singing] who’s hungry for spring rolls, Siam, Siam
who’s brining tom yums, Siam, Siam

Grant Chaod: Stop it! Stop that! We’ll be back after this message from our sponsor, Winston Baby Cigarettes. We’ll be right back.

Kristen Wiig’s Thanksgiving Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Steve Martin

Will Forte

Indian… Kyle Mooney

Paul Revere… Alex Moffat

Benjamin Franklyn… Beck Bennett

Sacagawea… Melissa Villaseñor

Viking… Bobby Moynihan

Columbus… Kenan Thompson

Napoleon… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so wonderful to be back here hosting SNL for the econd time. But I specially love being here right before Thanksgiving. Yuu might not know this about me, some of you might know, but I am what they call a ‘Thanksgiving freak.’ I am a real turkey head. So tongiht I wanted to sing for you a song my family always sings every year. Can I have my ukulele and a stool please? [She gets a ukulele and a stool] Oh, great. Here we go. Yeah. And I think we can all agree thanksgiving is the most magical Thursday of the year. And– yYou know, I’m actually going to go with my personal guitar, is that here?

[Kristen Wiig gives the ukulele away and gets a rock double neck electric guitar]

My family told me facts about thanksgiving I bet you didn’t even know. By the way, I should mention I was raised by wolves. Um, near wolves. You know, maybe I’ll go back to the first one. Go back? Yeah.

[Kristen Wiig gives the guitar away and gets the ukulele again]

And can I lose the stool? Can you take that? Okay. I’d like to take us back to the first thanksgiving where it all began. In ancient Egypt. You konw what? I was wrong about the ukulele. I’m sorry. Can someone take this? [Kristen Wiig gives away the ukulele] Thank you very much.

[band playing guitar] [singing] The first thanksgiving was in pyramid rock
The Indians and pilgrims said, “Let’s eat on this rock
[an Indian walks in]
Paul Revere said “Dinner’s served, let’s all say grace.”
[Paul Revere walks in]
Ben Franklyn brought salad, Paul slapped him in the face
[Ben Franklyn walks in with salad, and Paul Revere slaps him]

The pilgrims charged everyone a thanksgiving fee [Sacagawea walks in] but Sacagawea used her coins and said, “This one’s on me.”

Kristen Wiig:Then vikings showed up on a double decker bus [A Viking walks in]
they said,

Viking: If we don’t eat those turkeys, they’re going to eat us.

[awkward silence]

Kristen Wiig: And that’s why we eat turkey.

It was…

All: …Thanksgiving
The first thanksgiving
they were unforgiving
in their love of stuffing

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The second thanksgiving was in 1492
there were
10 kinds of meat, like they had murdered a zoo
Columbus was there, he had sailed from Korea
[Columbus walks in with Korean flag bandana on] 
with Mina, Pinta, Santa and Maria
[They all walk in]

This I know for sure, I told this to Lorne
The second thanksgiving , aliens beamed down the corn.
[two aliens walk in with corns in their hands]
The Napoleon showed up, so he brought the ice cream
[Napoleon walks in with ice cream in his hand]
strawberry, vanilla and chocolate in between

You see why? Coz pink, white and brown, those are the colors of the French Flag.

All: And that’s thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
it ain’t city living
unless you live in the city

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The third thanks giving was in 1953
and people gathered

Steve Martin: [interrupting] Oh, Kristen. Kristen. I am so sorry.

[cheers and applause]

It’s not necessary. But thank you. I just– I really– I just needed to stop you for a second because you have not gotten one fact correct in this song. Not one. You know, and if you don’t get your facts correct, you’re just going to end up like one of those sites on the internet, what is that?

Kristen Wiig: Like, fake news?

Steve Martin: No, I like that. But I- I just worry about your song. You’ve got to get the facts correct, so I’m a little bit worried about.

[Will Forte walks in]

Will Forte: Yeah, you know, I’m worried too. Less applause than Steve Martin. Gonna remember that. Kristen, I was just listening with Steve… Martin, that I just say Steve, we’re friends. And I agree, Kristen. At least two of your facts were wrong.

Kristen Wiig: Guys, I know I adjusted a few facts so they would rhyme, like any true historian. But won’t you both please sing with me? Please?

Will Forte: Ah! I’d be happy to sing with my friend Steve here. Hit it!

[singing] The fourth thanks giving was in 1969 

Steve Martin: The turkey was high and I was high too

Kristen Wiig: FDR was upset he spilled cranberry sauce

Steve Martin: But he had the first napkin, thanks to Betsy Ross.

Kristen Wiig: The three wisemen brought frankincense and pie

Steve Martin: Hey, don’t say the word pie to someone who’s high

Kristen Wiig: Wait, there’s something I just realized while singing this song
thanksgiving never really happened, it was in our hearts all along

All: And that’s, thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
the perfect history of thanks giving
so have a hippy happy hoppy thanksgiving

We have a great show for you tonight. The XX is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Anderson Cooper 360

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Gloria Borger… Cecily Strong

David Axelrod… Kyle Mooney

Dana Bash… Kristen Wiig

Kayleigh McEnany… Kate McKinnon

Van Jones… Kenan Thompson

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro] [Cut to Anderson Cooper with five participants to his show in the set]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening and welcome to Anderson Cooper 360. It’s been 10 days since the election and we are covering every moment of Donald Trump’s Transition. Joining me tonight at two gib ugly desks are CNN Chief Political Analyst, Gloria Borger.

[She is busy on her phone.]

Gloria Borger: Yeah, uh-huh. Sure.

Anderson Cooper: Former advisor of President Obama, David Axelrod

David Axelrod: Hi, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: CNN Chief Political Correspondent, Dana Bash.

Dana Bash: It’s Dana, for some reason.

Anderson Cooper: Trump supporter, Kayleigh McEnany.

Kayleigh McEnany: Thank you. I am smug to be here.

Anderson Cooper: And former Obama Administration Official, Van Jones.

Van Jones: I’m the good one.

Anderson Cooper: Now, this has been an unprecedented week, but we at CNN are here to hold Donald Trump accountable. Let’s start with some breaking news. Donald Trump wants top secret security clearance for his kids, even though they’re also running his business. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: Uh- this isn’t like when Trump called women fat. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares. But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Um, more breaking news. The entire KKK is planning a parade to celebrate Trump’s win. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he asked for security clearances for his kids. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Sorry, more breaking news. Donald Trump may force all Muslims to register in the United States. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when the entire KKK threw him a parade. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Breaking news again. Steve Bannon, a white nationalist has been named Trump’s Chief Strategist. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he wanted to put all the Muslims on the list. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Looks like we have some more breaking news. I– I– I’m sorry, I just had this weird memory like we keep doing the same–

[Anderson Cooper and all the participants are paused. They are not moving.] [Two guys come in wearing a protective suit.]

Pete: Which one’s malfunctioning?

Mikey: One on the glasses has skipped out of his loop. He was starting to remember.

Pete: Alright, let’s get it back to programming.

Mikey: Bring in the replacement host.

[Pete and Mikey walk out with Anderson Cooper] [Jake Tapper walks in as substitute host]

Jake Tapper: I’m Jake Tapper. Breaking news, Donald Trump has settled a massive fraud lawsuit for $25 million. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

[The End]

Last Call with Dave Chappelle

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Corey Dipships… Dave Chappelle

Sheila Savage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender calling for the last call at the bar booth]

Bartender: Alright drunky McDrunks. Last call. Hook up now or go home and hump your body pillows.

Corey Dipships: Hang on, bartender. Give me one more of those scotch and pepto. I got a case of the squirts but I still want to drink.

Sheila Savage: Make mine a gin and sonic please. That’s gin with a little hamburger in it. What have i got to lose besides another foot? Ha-ha-ha.

Bartender: Oh, brother.

Corey Dipships: [looking at Sheila Savage] Well, well, well. Is this thanksgiving yet? Looks like there’s one little butterball rolling around in the freezer.

Sheila Savage: Why don’t you set me on the counter and let me come to room temp before you stuff my butt full of cornbread, huh?

[Bartender looks pissed off and shows a yellow card]

Bartender: Yellow card.

Sheila Savage: You mind if I plot my slop a little closer?

Corey Dipships: Sure, let me just love my briefcase. By briefcase, I mean zip-loc bag filled with emergency underwear. Bartender, do you have a coat check?

Bartender: Yes, sir. [receiving the zip-loc bag using a tong] I’ll take care of it.

Sheila Savage: You know, I was looking at you because you have that certain still here quality.

Corey Dipships: And I noticed you because the whole back of your shirt is burnt out.

Sheila Savage: Well jokes on you, coz it’s the front. A rival tried to set me on fire and she did it. Hi, I’m Sheila Savage.

Corey Dipships: I feel like I’ve seen you before.

Sheila Savage: Uh-huh. You might recognize me from ABC’s “What would you do?” I was the one that didn’t help the tourist getting mugged. Matter of fact, I joined in. So, what ‘s on your driver’s license?

Corey Dipships: Besides legally blind and organ needer? Well, it’s got the name Corey Dipships, which is weird because I ship dips to Korea.

Sheila Savage: Get out!

Corey Dipships: Yeah.

Sheila Savage: That’s crazy. I’ve been banned from Chinatown.

Corey Dipships: Oh? Something’s happening here.

Bartender: Yeah. It’s called the first sign of the apocalypse.

[a frog falls down in front of Bartender]

Corey Dipships:  You know, when I first saw you, I was like, “F- no!” But now, I’m like, “F-I guess.”

Sheila Savage: You had me at when I remembered there are detectives waiting for me at my apartment. You feeling what I’m feeling?

Corey Dipships: If it’s resignation, then yes.

Sheila Savage: Hey, what’s your sign?

Corey Dipships: Oh, I’m on the cusp. You see, my head poked out on Tuesday, but I keep my feet in till Friday. What’s your sign?

Sheila Savage: Vagitarius.

[Bartender is blowing blow-horns on his both ears.]

Bartender: Good. Now, I can’t hear things.

Sheila Savage: Alright, alright. I can take a hint. Hey, why don’t we go back to your place and 67?

Corey Dipships: 67?

Sheila Savage: that’s me trying to get at your junk while you’re like this. [posing with her arms spread in front.]

Corey Dipships: I would rather go back to my place and do a little 66.

Sheila Savage: Oh yeah? What’s that?

Corey Dipships: That’s you facing away from me and I just work on myself.

Bartender: Look, just seat the deal so I can power wash your stools.

Sheila Savage: Slugger, looks like you just hit a grounder and you’re headed to first base.

Corey Dipships: Well, that’s good because I have a rod and it’s as unpopular as the ball player.

Sheila Savage: Alright. Let me just get my axe body spray on .

[Corey Dipships and dSheila Savage are spraying on themselves] [Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage start kissing] [Bartender is washing his eyes]

Wow, it as de-rotic.

Corey Dipships: Yeah, you gave me a hard-off.

Sheila Savage: Hang on. Hang on. I think these dark times, we need a little grace and a little beauty. Let’s bellagio this sucker. Huh?
Corey Dipships: Let’s do it.

Sheila Savage: Bartender, a little WC please.

[Bartender plays music on the jukebox.] [Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage are spraying water on teach other and kissing.] [Bartender is now sobbing looking at them]

Bartender: Dammit, Anthony! You let her get to you. Well, time to be a good guy with a gun.

[Bartender pulls a gun out shoots at Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage]

Sheila Savage: Hey, we’re making out over here!

Jheri’s Place

Leslie Jones

Dante… Dave Chappelle

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Benjamin… Mikey Day

Inspector… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Leslie briefing the staff]

Leslie: Listen up, Jheri’s Place staff. The health inspector is coming today and I need this place to be clean, understand? Because lately we’ve had a lot of complaints about hair in the food and that cannot happen.

[Dante, Kenan and Aidy have long curly hair and they are spraying on it]

Dante: Oh, don’t even look at me Donnie. You know whose fault that is.

Kenan: Yeah, all signs pointing to Benjamin.

Aidy: What the hell, Benjamin?

[Benjamin is looking at them confused. He has very short and well cut hair.]

Benjamin: What? Me?

Leslie: Let’s not point fingers.

Benjamin: I think it was Dante.

Dante: Excuse you. The only thing I’m doing is standing here looking so god damn beautiful.

Leslie: Oh, the health inspector is here.

[Inspector walks in and he finds a bundle of hair.]

Inspector: [bad accent] Oh, oh. We are not off to a great start.

Leslie: Benjamin!

[Cut to Inside SNL video bumper] [Cut to Beck reporting the incident]

Beck Bennett: And that about does it for the Jheri’s place sketch here at Studio 8H. In a word, ‘ouch.’ A very thin premise beset by technical slip-ups and performance issues. Let’s now go live to the post-sketch conference and we start with a statement from Dave Chappelle.

[Cut to the post-sketch press conference like that of boxing or MMA fights.]

Dave Chappelle: Um, hello. That was a tough one. But, you know, we’re going to keep out heads down and just look forward, keep moving on to the next sketch.

Alex: So, Dave, what do you think went wrong out there tonight?

Dave Chappelle: Well,  for starters, it was the wigs, man. I think we relied on the wigs too much, you know. You got to realize a wig can’t carry in a tight sketch. I knew that, and I take responsibility for that.

Bobby: Okay, well, speaking of mistakes, Leslie, can you tell us what happened with your late line there?

Leslie Jones: I didn’t mess up.

Bobby: Okay, well, let’s take a look at the replay.

[Cut to the replay where Leslie gets confused with her dialog in the middle] [Cut back to the conference]

Yeah, it really seems like you were having trouble with the cue cards there.

Leslie Jones: Alright, look. ‘SNL’ knew what they was getting into when they hired me, okay? You know what I’m saying? You’re talking cue cards right now? Really? We’re talking about cards? That’s not the sketch. You talking about cards? Man! Next question.

Alex: Kyle, you took a big swing with the accent right there. Tell me, what was going through your head?

Kyle Mooney: Um, I guess I just didn’t have it today.

Alex: Well, do you think you will find it for the remainder of the show?

Kyle Mooney: [bad accent] I don’t know, you– Nope! I don’t think so.

Bobby: Aidy, you were quoted earlier in the week as saying this sketch was a heater and was going to break the internet. Do you think either of those things came to pass?

Aidy Bryant: [staring at Bobby] Next question.

Alex: Dave, you’re a comedy legend, why this sketch?

Dave Chappelle:  Man, the wig was funny, alright? I put it on, I really thought I was going to be the next David S. Pumpkins. Clearly I was wrong.

Mikey Day: Any questions for me? Mikey Day?

Bobby: No. Kenan, I have to ask, with all your experience on the show, could you have done anything to save this?

Kenan Thompson: Yo, I ain’t got time for this. I been on this show for 62 years. And you going to dwell on this? Come on, man! I got to go get ready for my Puerto Rican Peter Pan sketch. Yeah, yeah. You laughing New York, y’all can kiss my ass.

[All the cast members leave]

Male voice: We’ll be back with more SNL.

[The End]

Football Party

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Brandon… Dave Chappelle

Andrew… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Leslie Jones

Andrea… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with guys having a football party]

Kenan: Oh, damn! That was holding.

Pete: Yeah, call it back!

Brandon: Hell, no. That’s a touchdown, baby. Let’s go for two.

Andrew: Alright. Now we got a game on our hands.

Brandon: Yeah. You want some beers?

Andrew: Yeah, I’d do one.

Brandon: Alright. Hey, mama!

Andrew: Oh, does your mom live with you?

Brandon: No. I kind of live with her.

Pete: Ha-ha. What?

Kenan: She wash your drawers for you too?

[Brandon laughing sarcastically]

Brandon: No. I do that for myself.

Kyle: Guys, go easy. Sounds kind of nice.

[Mom walks in with some beers]

Mom: Hey, you boys. Brewskis!

Andrew: Alright, I guess I can see how you can get used to this.

Mom: So, you thirsty baby?

Brandon: Oh, hell yeah. I could drink something.

[Mom gets ready with a covering sheet to breastfeed Brandon]

No peeking fellas!

Pete: At what?

[Brandon gets inside the sheet]

Mom: Go ahead baby, get in there. Oh, that Cam Newton is something else!

Brandon: Ummm. What did I miss? Did he go for two?

[Brandon’s friends are shocked]

Kenan: Uh, what just transpired exactly?

Brandon: Um, I was thirsty so I had a drink.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, did you just breast-feed?

Brandon: Jealous? Breastfeeding is healthy for the mom and the baby.

Andrew: You’re 43!

Mom: But you’ll always be my baby.

Pete: Ha-ha. Gross!

Kyle: I don’t know. That’s probably he’s so jacked!

Brandon: Bingo. That’s exactly why I’m so jacked. Got any idea how many vitamins are in the elixir?

Mom: It’s nature’s most perfect food.

Brandon: Plus, it’s free as hell. As a matter of fact, mama, if you would?

[passes a small glass to Mom]

Mom: Yeah, sure.

Brandon: So, y’all been planning thanksgiving? You’re welcome to come here, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Kenan: Ah, I’m good.

Andrew: Yeah.

Kyle: I’ll be around.

[Mom passes the small glass filled with milk to Brandon]

Brandon: Ooh! Still warm. [Brandon takes a shot of that milk] What’s going on in the game?

Kyle: Um, they just recovered the onside kick.

Brandon: Hell yeah! Let’s go.

[microwave beeps.]

Mom: Oh, that will be the snacks, I’ll be right back.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, what’s the story here, man?

Brandon: The story? I’ll tell you the story, Andrew. I have never once had an ear infection. I have zero allergies. No respiratory illnesses or bout diarrhea. is that enough of a story for you?

[Mom walks in with five glasses of milk]

Mom: Alright. Fresh baked cookies and milk!

Pete: Um, I guess I’ll take a cookie.

Kyle: I’ll have some.

[Kyle drinks the milk]

Brandon: Not me guys. I’m gonna go straight to the source, excuse me.

[Brandon starts to breastfeed again]

Mom: Get your muscle milk. Easy Brandon, you getting a little toothy down there.

[Brandon gets out of the cover. He has milk all over his face.]

Brandon: Sorry about that mama.

[Awkward silence between friends]

That’s what I’m talking about. Ah! That’s the game. That’s the game.

[Andrea walks in]

Andrea: Brandon! What are you doing? You’re supposed to take me to work. I’m gonna bel late.

Brandon: Oh, hey guys, this is my sister Andrea.

Andrea: Hi. Now, let’s go.

Mom: No. Not before y’all eat something. Everybody in.

Brandon: Alright.

[Brandon and Andrea get into the cover for breastfeeding]

Brandon: Stop pushing, Andrea! God damn!

[the milk is spraying outside all over Brandon’s friends]

Andrea: You’re wasting it!

Andrew: Alright. Okay. I think it’s time for us to head out.

Kenan: Yeah.

Andrew: Thank you for having us. Alright.

[Kenan, Pete and Andrew head out]

Kyle: I might chill here for a bit if that’s cool.

Meeting with Mr. Shaw

Benedict Cumberbatch

David Hoff… Beck Bennett

Dan FletcherKenan Thompson

Carolina… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with David Hoff and Dan Fletcher having a meeting with Benedict] Benedict: You must be the gentlemen from Mercy General.

David Hoff: I am David Hoff and this is Dan Fletcher.

Dan Fletcher: Yes. I’m sorry but we were under the impression that we would be meeting directly with Mr. Shaw.

Benedict: Mr. Shaw’s time is extremely valuable. If I deem your proposal worthwhile, I will involve him.

Dan Fletcher: Alright, well, as you know, a hospital has fallen on some hard times.

David Hoff: Frankly, we’re looking for someone who can make a sizable donation.

Benedict: Hm, philanthropy does give Mr. Shaw a kind of thrill. Very well. Carolina, could you ask Mr. Shaw to join us please? Now, whatever you do, do not mention his scar.

[Carolina brings Mr. Shaw in. Mr. Shaw is an eagle wearing a human suit.]

Mr. Shaw. How was your round of golf this morning? Well, that’s why they call it a dog lake, sir. I’m joking of course. [David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are shocked] Well, these gentlemen are from Mercy General. Gentlemen, the floor is your’s.

David Hoff: Yeah.

Dan Fletcher: I’m sorry but is this a joke?

Benedict: Does Mr. Shaw seem like the joking type?

David Hoff: So, should we ask him about the donation?

Benedict: Yes. Mr. Shaw is a little embarrassed to talk about money because, well, he’s on it.

Dan Fletcher: Okay. Well, we’re talking to various investors in the hopes of–

Benedict: [interrupting] I’m sorry. I need to stop you for a moment. Mr. Shaw would like to see your watch?

Dan Fletcher: Oh?

Benedict: He finds it quite shiny.

[Dan Fletcher opens his watch and hands it over to Benedict] [Benedict shakes the watch in front of Mr. Shaw]

Yes, very shiny sir. Mr. Shaw brightly notes that when the light hits your watch, it reminds him of a fish glinsing in the stream. Ha-ha-ha. Woo, could it jump.

[Benedict gives Dan Fletcher’s back back]

Dan Fletcher: Um, I’m sorry but what are we doing here?

David Hoff: Yes, I’m afraid this is a complete waste of time.

Benedict: Really? A waste of time? But it wasn’t a waste of time when Dalai Lama spent his 16th birthday here, with Mr. Shaw. [Benedict shows pictures of celebrities with Mr. Shaw] Richard Ransom seemed very content a while away that afternoon. As the both Nelson Mandela and Howei Mandel. And of course there was that time that Mr. Shaw met Search Salman Rushdie. And was quite disappointed to find that this was one Salman (salmon) he couldn’t eat.

Dan Fletcher: Look, we need money for our hospital to help sick people.

Benedict: Interesting. Now we are getting somewhere. Quick conference. [whispering with Mr. Shaw] Very well sir, congratulations gentlemen.

Dan Fletcher: You’re serious? You’re going to donate to the hospital?

Benedict: $1.7 million in courtesy of this old softy. Sir, maybe they’ll after your donation name a wing after you.  Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, no, I intended it as a joke sir. I meant no disrespect. No, that was not my intention at all. What subtext? Sir, you– you can’t mean that. After all I’ve given 27 years. I missed my daughter’s birth. Well, you can’t fire me sir, because I quit. Good luck with everything, gentlemen. I hope your hospital can fix a broken heart.

[David Hoff is crying]

David Hoff: So sad.

Dan Fletcher: Actually, cardiology is one of our specialties.

Benedict: I suppose I’ll collect my things. [Benedict walks pass the door and comes back with a football and

Gentlemen, good luck with your hospital. Mr. Shaw, it’s been a wild ride.

[Benedict walks out] [David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are looking at the Mr. Shaw]

Dan Fletcher: So, do you write us the check? Or…

[Carolina walks in]

Carolina: Excuse me, Mr. Shaw will take his bath now. What’s that sir? Join you? Oh, Mr Shaw! [smiling] [The End]

Gemma and Ricky

Vanessa Bayer

Jean… Kenan Thompson

Ricky Diamonds… Benedict Cumberbatch

Jemma… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Vanessa and Jean having dinner at a nice restaurant]

Vanessa: Well, Jean, I have to hand it to you. Atlantic city isn’t all gross. I mean Bobby Flay Steak house? Fancy!

Jean: And? Bobby Flay is your celebrity hall pass.

Vanessa: Jean, you’re not supposed to know that.

Jean: Oh, I’m not judging. Mine is Miller Kunis as Meg from Family Guy.

Vanessa: Fair enough, Mr.

[Vanessa and Jean are hugging] [Ricky Diamonds and Jemma walk in. Ricky Diamonds is wearing leather jacket and has long black hair. Jemma is a very fancy girl.]

Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god, Jean? Of course, my best bro Jean’s getting some hot public action.

Jean: Excuse me?

Ricky Diamonds: Jean, don’t be selfish. Tag your boy in.

Jemma: [strong accent] Babe, I’m not standing right here. I’m Jemma.

Jean: I’m sorry. Who are you again?

Ricky Diamonds: It’s me, Ricky Diamonds. We met in that male body acceptance workshop?

Jean: Oh, right.

Vanessa: Um, what’s a male body acceptance workshop?

Ricky Diamonds: Oh, I had to look at your husband’s junk and tell him what I found beautiful about it.

Jemma: And I’m Jemma.

Ricky Diamonds: Scoot over. We have to catch up.

Vanessa: Oh, you know, we’re just sort of doing like, a date night.

[Ricky Diamonds and Jemma sit in the same booth.]

Ricky Diamonds: Ah! Then you’re gonna love it when you hear what I do. I am a rock n’ roll mentalist. That means I do like, magic to rock n’ roll music. And this is Jemma.

Jemma: I’m British.

Ricky Diamonds: How great is that accent? She sounds like a GPS. Go on. Do it.

Jemma: [acting like GPS] Recalculating. Recalculating.

Jean: Oh. Oh. So–

Ricky Diamonds: How did we meet?

Jemma: We met at the plastic surgeons. We were about to get our tits doen.

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Coz I need that good cleavage for my magic shows.

Vanessa: You do?

[Ricky Diamonds gets Vanessa’s hand and makes her feel his chest]

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah, look, here. Feel. Feels real, right? But it’s not. I paid for it. Now feel her’s. [Ricky Diamonds puts Vanessa’s hand on Jemma’s breasts] Feels real too, right?

Jemma: Mine’s not paid for yet. Still got to balance. So, I’m gonna have to give him back. So I’m thinking of doing like, kickstarter. Can I count on you? I need a little bit of help.

Jean: Well, I guess we could chip in a little bit.

Vanessa: Jean!

Ricky Diamonds: Hey, wanna see a trick?

Vanessa: Not really.

Jemma: Yeah, magic. Magic. Do a trick, babe.

Ricky Diamonds: It’s not a trick babe, it’s an illusion. [Ricky Diamonds pulls out a deck of cards] Okay, pick a card. [Vanessa starts following instructions] Any card. And put it back in the deck. Don’t show me. And put the deck in your mouth.

Vanessa: What?

Ricky Diamonds: Now Jean, can you confirm that this is a real gun?

[Ricky Diamonds passes a gun to Jean]

Jean: Yeah. It’s a real gun. And it’s fully loaded.

Vanessa: [with a deck of cards in her mouth] What? Am I going to get shot?

Jean: Oh, no, no. You’re not going to get shot. It’s a trick.

[Jemma puts a napkin on her head covering her face]

Jemma: Okay, so I’m gonna put a napkin on my head, right? I can’t see nothing. Alright, here we go. [Jemma points the gun forward] One, two–

Jean: No, no. You’re aiming at me. One foot to the left.

Vanessa: Hey!

Jemma: Okay.

Jean: It’s a trick, honey!

Jemma: Here we go.

[Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Excuse me. You can’t have guns in here.

Jemma: No, it’s a magic trick.

[The waiter takes away the gun]

Waiter: Yeah, well, I have to take it up front.

Ricky Diamonds: But dude, I’m in a middle of illusion? Would you treat Chris Angel this way?

Waiter: Who?

Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god! What a dumb dork! You don’t know who Chris Angel is? Seriously, you’re a dumb dork, dude!

Jemma: Babe, should I take the napkin off my head now?

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Magic’s over. Sorry Jean, Jemma can shoot your wife outside.

Vanessa: Okay. You know, it’s been a long night. So we’re just–

Ricky Diamonds: No, wait. Don’t let that dork ruin my fun. My girl here is a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer.

Ricky Diamonds: Sing a song, babe.

Jemma: It’s called Magic. Give me a beat, babe.

[Ricky Diamonds starts tapping on the table] [singing] DJ brought the magic last night
casting spells on the dance floor
hypnotize, mesmerize,
magic hat, I know of that
cast a spell, just as well
Harry Potter thinks he’s got a
five, four, three, two, whoop!
She’s gone!

Ricky Diamonds: Babe, if you were trying to get the whole table hard as rock, you succeeded. I know Jean’s hard. I can tell by how he’s squiggling in his seat.

Jean: What? Who is squiggling? Not me.

Vanessa: Hah! You are! You are re-arranging something.

Jean: Well, can’t you just be appreciative that it can still happen?

Vanessa: [smiling] I guess so.

Jemma: Aw, they’re in love again. All because of my song. Five, four, three, two, whoop!

She’s gone!

Haunted Elevator (ft. David S. Pumpkins)

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Mark… Kenan Thompson

David Pumpkins… Tom Hanks

[Starts with 100 Floors of Frights intro]

Announcer: Welcome to 100 Floors of Frights. Enter at your own risk.

[Cut to Kate and Beck getting inside the elevator. Mark is standing inside the elevator.]

Kate: Do you things jump right at you at this ride?

Beck: Yeah, babe. It’s a scary ride.

Mark: Good evening. I am your elevator operator Mark. Now please, hold on as this ride goes boom, in the night.

Kate: Oh! Don’t make fun of me if I scream, okay?

Beck: It’s a 100 Floors of Frights babe, I’ll probably be screaming too.

Mark: And now, hold on for dear death. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a woman wearing a wedding dress, holding flowers in one hand and a rope in the other.]

The women: Winafred Rogers got cold feet, and hung herself in a honeymoon suite

[the elevator door closes]

Kate: Oh, my god!

Beck: You totally dropped.

Kate: So did you.

Mark: Floor 20. Hall of our five scar restaurant.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a waiter with a big plate in his hands and the meal is covered.]

Waiter: Today’s special, your head. [When he opens the cover, it’s Kate’s head.] [The elevator door closes]

Kate: Ah! That was my head! Is that why they take your picture when you enter the park?

Mark: I’m not telling. 49th floor.

Beck: Here we go. Here we go.

[The elevator door opens. There is David Pumpkins with two other people. He is wearing a suit that hast pumpkins printed on it. The other two are wearing skeleton skin costume.]

David Pumpkins: How’s it hanging? I’m David Pumpkins. And I’m gonna scare the hell out of you.

[music playing] [David Pumpkins and the two skeletons start dancing]

Any questions?

[The elevator door closes] [Kate and Beck say nothing. They are confused.]

Mark: Scared to speechless?

Beck: Oh, no. No. I’m just trying to wrap my head around, David Pumpkins? I mean, are we supposed to know who that is?

Kate: Yeah. It was just a guy in a pumpkin suit with two B-boy skeletons. I don’t get how that’s scary.

Mark: Well, you don’t get frights. You fear them. 26th floor.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a lady ghost wearing white pajamas and has black hair covering all her face.]

Lady: Can I sleep in your bed tonight? [screaming] [The elevator door closes]

Kate: Yeah. I get why she is here.

Beck: Yeah. Creepy girl from ‘The Ring’. But David Pumpkins? I mean, is he from something?

Kate: Yeah. Like, is he from a local commercial?

Mark: Well, the scariest thing to the mind is the unknown.

[The elevator door opens. There’s David Pumpkins and his dancers again.]

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins.

Beck: I know. But like, who are you?

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins, man!

Kate: Okay. Yeah, yeah, and David Pumpkins is?

David Pumpkins: Is own thang!

Beck: And the skeletons are?

Skeletons: Part of it!

Kate: Why are you a part of this ride?

David Pumpkins: To do this.

[music playing] [David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing]

What’s my name?

Skeletons: David S. Pumpkins.

David Pumpkins: Any questions?

[The elevator door closes]

Beck: Yes! Several! I mean, he has a middle initial now? I am so in the weave for David Pumpkins.

Kate: Babe, don’t let David Pumpkins ruin your night.

Mark: David S. Pumpkins! Floor 99.

[The elevator door opens] [There is a woman wearing straitjacket with a huge chainsaw. She turns on the chainsaw.]

Woman: [screaming] Ah! I’m crazy… for… David Pumpkins.

[music playing] [Crazy woman starts dancing.  David Pumpkins and the two skeletons join her.] [The elevator door closes]

Kate: How much David Pumpkins is in this?

Mark: Um, 73 out of 100 floors.

Beck: Why did you go all in on David Pumpkins?

Mark: Ay, look! It’s 100 floors of frights. They’re not all going to be winners. Floor 100.

[The elevator door opens. There are two skeletons of David Pumpkins.]

Kate: Okay. So now it’s just the skeletons?

Skeletons: Ready or now? Here we dance.

[music playing] [The skeletons start dancing]

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Kate and Beck looking at the skeletons with attention. David Pumpkins is sitting just behind him.]

David Pumpkins: [by surprise] Any questions?

[Kate and Beck are scared to death.]