Tag: Kenan Thompson

Blocking It Out for Christmas Cold Open

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Sarah Sherman

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with three adults in a Christmas party]

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas.

Kenan: Is it already?

Bowen: Yeah, that’s right. Mariah Carey saw her shadow. That means two more weeks till Christmas.

Cecily: Oh, yes. What a year it’s been.

Kenan: What a three years.

Bowen: I know. I’m still signing my checks 2019.

Cecily: Well, I’m more concerned that you’re still writing checks.

Bowen: You know what I mean. I mean, the whole world is just so overwhelming sometimes. War, climate change, Prince Harry Megan Markel documentary.

Cecily: You’re right. It’s hard not to feel helpless. I think I should be doing more for myself or friends, for society. But then I remember.

[singing] It’s Christmas
and all of my stress fades away

all the problems and issues

and crying and tissues

can wait until January

Kenan: You just give your concerns a delay?

Cecily: Till Christmas

Bowen: Oh, you mean block it all out? Bury your feelings deep inside where they can’t hurt you?

Cecily: Yes, exactly.

Kenan: Like…

[singing] My drinking
it’s starting to get out of hand
I knew that it may have crossed
into a dark place
when Burger King said I was banned

But maybe I’ll just make that my brand.

Till Christmas.

Cecily: You see, you’re getting it. What about you?

Bowen: Oh, I don’t know. Let me try.

[singing] My mental health
my mental health hasn’t been great
I wake up at noon and the sun somehow setting
than I fall back asleep around eight
But I can live in the delusional states

All: For Chrismas

Sarah: Hey, we heard you guys singing about ignoring your anxiety in an unhealthy way.

Ego: You don’t mind if we join you and do a little ooze in the background?

Cecily: Sure. And you know we can complain about specific people too. Like…

[singing] Elon. 

[Sarah and Ego oozing in the background]

Why does he own all this stuff
Why does he have to run Tesla and Twitter
was outerspace not enough?

Bowen: And Hitler.

[Sarah and Ego oozing in the background]

Since when did Hitler come back?
Didn’t we basically all agree years ago
Hitler should never come back

Kenan: And why are all his new fans black?

All: For Christmas.
Let’s block it all out for Chriastmas

Kenan: There’s sober October and no nut November
so let’s introduce no remember December

Cecily: Family visits and you just want to hide
that’s why I drink eggnog with the Xanax inside

Ego: For Easter and who thinks whose lifestyles wrong

Sarah: Forget your uncle who hurt you way too long

Bowen: Your grandma will whisper your living in sin

Cecily: So just TikTok on the toilet till your ass falls in

Kenan: You’re worrying too much when you’re giving gifts
it’s easy here to buy a gun than tickets to Taylor Swift
Ego: Stop obsessing about every decision from Scotis
or the mental well being of our current protest

All: Just focus on who’s gonna die on White Lotus.
Because it’s Christmas.

[doorbell ringing]

[Devon walks in with a box]

Devon: Hey, did somebody order a Grub Hub?

Cecily: Oh, my dinner’s here. I got Italian.

Devon: Yes, that’s one order a garlic bread and 12 bottles of wine.

Cecily: Yes, that’s right. You can leave the wine over there.

Devon: Okay, and did you want the garlic bread?

Cecily: I think you know I don’t.

Kenan: Wow. I feel like all our holiday worries have gone away.

Bowen: Me too. Except for a few things, just off the top of my head.

Schools are failing kids don’t know Jack
Coleman never left and also it’s bad
Cable News is awful but I can put it
R Kelly dropped an album called ‘I admit it’

So I really want to shout
but I’m blocking everything out

for Christmas

All: For Christmas.

Sarah: Okay. So you bury all all your feelings for Christmas, okay? But what happens in January?

Cecily: Oh, then…

We explode
we freak out and threaten our ex
we drink to the point
where we contemplate murderer
and accept Venmo payments for sex
but that’s just what happens next
because for now is it’s Christmas

[Santa Clause walks in]

Santa Clause: Ho-ho-ho-ho. And live from New York… Wait did you say Venmo payments for sex?

Cecily: It’s Saturday night!

Herschel Walker Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… James Austin Johnson

John Cornyn… Mikey Day

Marsha Blackburn… Cecily Strong

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

[starts with Mitch McConnell, John Cornyn and Marsha Blackburn having a meeting]

Mitch McConnell: Well Senator, Republicans face an uphill battle on Tuesday.

John Cornyn: I know. Obama was just in Georgia campaigning for the other guy.

Marsha Blackburn: Did you see it? It was like a comedy central roast up there.

Mitch McConnell: I figured guy could use some help. Send him in. Herschel Walker!

[Herschel Walker walks in]

Herschel Walker: Hey there. Mitch McDonald’s. I’m sorry I’m late. I was having too much fun in a free merry go round y’all got out front.

Mitch: That’s a revolving door, Herschel. Have a seat.

John Cornyn: Great job on your campaign. Hershel.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes, excellent.

Mitch McConnell: You remember, former majority whip Senator John Cornyn?

Herschel Walker: No.

Mitch McConnell: Of course, Marsha Blackburn. senator from Tennessee.

Herschel Walker: Oh, Your Highness.

Mkey: Well, Herschel, the midterms wasn’t the red wave we hoped for but we think you can win this Tuesday.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes. The priority now is to get out the vote because you got this big runoff coming up.

Herschel Walker: Oh, well, I’m good at those. My ex wife said all I do is run off.

John Cornyn: No, Herschel, the Georgia run off. The polls show it’s very close.

Herschel Walker: Oh, how close?

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, so close, Herschel. Warnock is polling at 50.9%. You are polling at 49.1.

Herschel Walker: Well, then the first priority is to figure out which number is bigger.

Mitch McConnell: Well, the election is this Tuesday, they’ve already started counting votes by mail.

Herschel Walker: Right. But you gotta remember, they still got to count votes by female.

John Cornyn: Sure, but we wanted to talk to you because this runoff is really important, Herschel. We could really use a win right now.

Herschel Walker: Well, you can count on me. I came to two S and kicked bubble gum, and I’m all out a gubble bum.

Mitch McConnell: There’s already three days left. We want to be really careful. And you’ve had some scandals already. Is there anything else we should know in the final stretch?

Herschel Walker: What do you mean?

Marsha Blackburn: Like bad things from your past that maybe people don’t know yet?

Herschel Walker: Oh, yes, definitely. Yes. So many.

Marsha Blackburn: Well, I hate to ask, but can you tell us some of them?

Herschel Walker: Let me see, where do I start? Okay, so there’s this pretty lady that works at the McDonald’s. Right? So I went down there… [the clock’s shows one hour has passed] Anyway, she didn’t want to keep it so I drove it down to the planned Parent Trap.

Marsha Blackburn: Wow, that’s a lot.

Mitch McConnell: I’m gonna be honest. For sure. This might be tough.

Herschel Walker: Oh, don’t worry. I’m feeling very confident about this erection.

John Cornyn: Don’t you mean election?

Herschel Walker: I do not.

Marsha Blackburn: Maybe in the final push, let’s lay low and focus on the message.

Herschel Walker: Exactly. Just like Kanye.

Marsha Blackburn: No, no. On the issues people care about. Inflation, crime…

Herschel Walker: Vampires, werewolves. They’re scary little GEICO Gecko. We’re gonna be looking into all of that.

Marsha Blackburn: Right? So maybe less of that. Or even better, none of that.

Herschel Walker: Really? Because that’s like 90% of my next speech.

Mitch McConnell: Right. Herschel, can we have a moment alone?

Herschel Walker: Oh, sure. You can toss a blanket right over me and I fall asleep like a parakeet.

Marsha Blackburn: Okay. Well, that sounds great. [Marsha Blackburn puts a blanket on Herschel Walker] Night, night.

[Herschel Walker is snoring]

John Cornyn: Well done. So just to be clear, our last hope to win this year is Herschel Walker?

Marsha Blackburn: Yeah, so plan B.

Mitch McConnell: I don’t think we have no choice.

[Marsha Blackburn pulls out the blanket]

Herschel Walker: [talking in sleep] Come on, girl. Don’t take that name for no Big Mac. [wakes up] Oh, I’m sorry.

Mitch McConnell: Hershel, get up. I’m gonna show you something very exciting.

Herschel Walker: Oh, yeah, sure.

Mitch McConnell: Why don’t you take a look up in there?

[Mitch McConnell opens a hugs door size safe]

Herschel Walker: Oh, wow. Look, there’s a little room.

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. It used to be my panic room. Now. It’s all yours just till Election Day.

Herschel Walker: Well, wait, why am I already in there?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, that’s a mirror Herschel. Go on ahead. We got everything you need in there. Get in there.

Herschel Walker: Look at that. They got Lunchables in here and everything.

[Herschel Walker walks in and Mitch McConnell shuts the door]

Mitch McConnell: it’s only for a few days. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

House of the Dragon

Silky/ARhaenan… Dave Chappelle

Rhaenyra … Chloe Fineman

Daemon… Michael Longfellow

Guard… Mikey Day

Corlys Velaryon… Kenan Thompson

Baela… Punkie Johnson

Rhaena… Ego Nwodim

King… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Dave Chappelle on SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: Anyone out here watching this new show ‘House of Dragons’? I am the biggest Game of Thrones fan. I love the new show. And I gotta tell yo,u I love that they’re including black characters. But to be honest, the black characters— They take me out of it a little bit with the— It’s that blonde hair and the old time accents. It’s a little jarring. Like, where are these people from? You know what I mean? And then they’re coming out with season two, I guess soon. And somehow Lorn Daemons arranged a sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons exclusive. so check it out.

[cheers and applause]

[cut to sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons]

Rhaenyra: Before we go to war with King’s Landing, we must know who our true allies are.

Daemon: These represent all of our possible alliances, Your Grace.

Rhaenyra: Thank you, Daemon.

Daemon: And I prepared this family tree so we know who the hell everyone is.

Rhaenyra: Yes, because our names are insane and sound identical.

Daemon: I’ve also prepared a chart of who’s having sex with whom. And weirdly enough, it’s the same as a family tree.

Guard: You are the visitor Your Grace. Lord of the tides, the sea snake himself, Corlys Velaryon.

Rhaenyra: Lord Corlys, this is a most welcome surprise. Where have you come from?

Corlys: The Matrix. Just kidding.

Daemon: You must have been at sea a long time then.

Corlys: Oh, of course. This is where my people are most comfortable. The ocean. Yeah, we especially love being on ships. Never have any concerns with ships or what might happen to us on ships.

Rhaenyra: Have you come alone?

Corlys: Oh no, no, I brought my granddaughters Baela and Rhaena.

Baela: Greetings, Your Grace.

Rhaena: So happy to have traveled 40 days by ship in this ballgown, Your Grace.

Daemon: It’s wonderful to see you. Since you are betrothed to my nephews/stepsons, Jason and Luke.

Baela: Yeah, I look at my future husband and I think he is definitely going to satisfy me sexually.

Rhaenyra: And to what do we owe the honor of your visit lord Corlys?

Corlys: Yeah, well, you know, I know that you are in need of allies now that your father has died.

King: Died? [he’s walking as his face is bleeding]

Corlys: Oh my god, man, what has happening with your face?

King: The doctor says it’s nothing. Just a little cough and my skin melted and my eye fell.

Corlys: Well, I found you some new allies from even further away lands that have come to pay their respects to the true queen.

Dave: [walking in] Well, well, well. Good to see you, Your Grace. Cousin Daemon, well, haven’t ever seen in long time. How does it feel to have sex with your niece? Yuck.

Dave’s wife: This whole family is like the sun took a look and said, “No, thank you.”

Dave: Your Majesty looks like you got a case of the monkey pox. You’re gonna die any minute, ain’t you?

King: Yeah, yeah.

Dave: Well, if it isn’t our cousin, light-skinned Larry Targaryen.

Larry: [Chuckles] Silky, your hoes are so old, their titties give powdered milk.

Dave: You look like E.T. when they dressed him up for Halloween.

Larry: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! All that was hateful, man.

Dave: Your Jheri curls are getting a little dry.

Dave’s wife: That’s that dragon spray.

Guard: More visitors approach.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dave: Pardon me, Your Grace, but I think your penis just fell off. If you don’t want it anymore, can I keep it? Might be able to get some money for that.

Rhaenyra: Who is this foul man?

Dave: I came here for some dragon rocks. I’m down to my last one.

Guard: What the hell is going on here?

Dave: You mind if I, um, get a light? [He’s asking fire to light his cigarette. He raises his hand holding a cigarette. The dragons comes behind him.] Dracarys. [The dragon breathes the fire and he lights his cigarette]

Rhaenyra: Be gone, all of you.

Corlys: Oh, no, there’s more.

Dave: I’m one of the baddest mother Westeros has ever seen. One of the best singers and one of the best dancers, too. I’m ARhaenan Targaryen, bitch, rider of dragons. I heard you like to ride lizards. Want to ride mine, Your freaking Majesty?

[There are dragons flying in the sky. There are Targarians riding the dragon. They have seats in shape of motorcycles on the dragon’s back.]

Tar: Take me to Flea Bottom so I can check on my hoes.

Dave: What up, Tar? I got a dragon now.

Dave: No, dragon.

[While they’re riding dragons, there’s red siren lights flashing]

Dave: Good God, it’s the police. What are they doing all the way up here? No matter how high I fly, they always find you, don’t they?

President Biden Midterms Address Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Marrianne Williamson… Chloe Fineman

Guy Fieri… Molly Kearney

Takashi 6ix9ine… Marcello Hernández

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Azealia Banks… Ego Nwodim

Tracy Morgan… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message]

Male voice: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: My fellow Americans, it’s Tuesday. Our midterm elections will determine the fate of our democracy and let’s just say, big yikes. What’s going on? I guess the Democrats message just ain’t getting through. Plus I’m over here talking to people who don’t exist. I don’t know much. Who’s there? Well, nobody’s there.

Folks, I’m trying like hell, I promise. I’m on the peloton every morning tilting fate. I passed that big ass infrastructure bill, remember that? $65 billion. A lot of your Redstate types finally got broadband internet so you can share your Paul Pelosi gay erotic fiction at lightspeed. Which by the way, your right wingers sure do love thinking up these gay little scenario. Kind of suss. But look, I get it. I’m no spring chicken. But people at rallies are yelling at Obama calling him high. How do you think that makes me feel? Do yourself a favor. Google “young Joe Biden” and start a bubble bath.

You guys think I’m and boring now? Well, I can do crazy stuff too. [screams out] I’m scared myself. But listen, folks, that’s the problem. We don’t have any stars anymore. Too many Raphael Warnock and not enough Herschel Walker’s. Which is why we’re going to make some last minute changes before Tuesday with the Democrats who are exciting. Got that sizzle. For example, “Hey, California sick Adam Schiff.” Or, “Meet your next Congresswoman. She ran for president back in 2020 and loves a good crystal. It’s Marianne Williamson.”

[Marrianne Williamson walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Marrianne Williamson: As a prominent author, her lover for Enchantress, I am ready to fight for the American Dream, which I caught in this Tibetan singing bowl. [hits the singing bowl and walks out]

Joe Biden: Sounds cool. America’s next defense against the dark arts teacher folks. Now unlike Dr. Oz, this next guy’s got political experience. He was a mayor of flavortown for over 20 years, Guy Fieri.

[Guy Fieri walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Guy Fieri: Whoo! Listen, man. America’s hungry for change. But Do y’all want Dr. Oz take a full plate of paid family leave dripping in Donkey sauce? Full throttle. Whoo! [walks out]

Joe Biden: Oh my god. Dream job, dream job. Hey Ohio, meet your next senator, Takashi 6ix9ine.

Takashi 6ix9ine: Hey blood. I want no cap on Social Security. No cap. Democrats baby, Tray Way. Tray Way. [walks out]

Joe Biden: What a terrifying young man. Tired of Gretchen Whitmer? Meet your next Governor of Michigan, adult film star Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels walks in]

Stormy Daniels: Hi TV. I may be a former adult star, currently on season seven of the Surreal Life, but I’m willing to debase myself and enter US politics. I can work with anyone and I’m willing to reach around the aisle to get things done.

Joe Biden: Yeah. I think it’s reach across the aisle.

Stormy Daniels: Yes sir. You do you. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Talented actress. Now introducing someone who’s gonna beat Marco Rubio because she’s not afraid to fight. She’s the next senator from Florida, Azealia Banks.

[Azealia Banks walks in]

Azealia Banks: I’m a rich bitch. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Okay. And finally, people got mad at me about student loan forgiveness. Well he’s in charge of it now. Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Okay. Y’all want that money? Why don’t you come on over here and rub my belly?

Joe Biden: Thank you, Tracy. And everybody get up here. Get up everybody. There they are, your new Democratic candidates. Alright team, so what do we want?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I kind of want some sugar free White Castle.

Joe Biden: Well. And when do we want it?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I mean, in my mind, it’s like whenever you good, baby girl.

Joe Biden: All right. Let’s go, team. We’re gonna be fine. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Jurors

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Mr. Hubbard… Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with an attorney debating at the courtroom]

Andrew: So with that said, Mr. Hubbard could not have been at the scene of the crime. Your witness.

Judge: Thank you, counsel. Moving on to cross examination, prosecution has the court.

Heidi: So Mr. Hubbard, on the night of your wife’s disappearance, what did you do?

Mr. Hubbard: I called the police.

Heidi: Really? Because records show that you did not. [Jurors making humming noise] And in fact the police didn’t show up until your neighbors call. [Jurors making humming noise] And when the forensic team examined your clothing, they found traces of blood. [Jurors making shocked noise]

Judge: Order. Order in the court. You don’t need any vocal reactions from the jury.

Amy: Oh, us?

Sarah: Us?

Bowen: Oh, so sorry. We just did not expect traces of blood.

Judge: Prosecution, the floor is yours.

Heidi: For the forensic investigation, the victim was found with multiple lacerations to her abdomen. [Jurors making shocked noise]

Judge: Do we need to take a recess?

Bowen: Oh, no, no, it’s just getting good.

Sarah: I’m seriously at the edge of my seat. Like, look at me, I’m shaking. Look at me. I’m shaking.

Amy: Me too. My heart’s beating so fast. My Apple Watch thinks I’m like getting steps.

Judge: Order in the court or I will hold you in contempt.

Amy: Guys?

Bowen: Did you hear that? Contempt.

Amy: Contempt, guys.

Judge: All right, prosecution, please, on to your next line of questioning.

Heidi: Yes, your Honor. Mr. Hubbard, you claim that you were at the office on the 14th but as the defense was saying— Looking at the jury, I’m sorry, what are you guys doing now?

Amy: Oh, we’re posing for the sketch artist.

Bowen: Yeah, could you please justify us.

Mr. Hubbard: I’m up for the death penalty.

Bowen: Oh my god, now the murderer is yelling at us.

Amy: Oh my god. I’m like crazy triggered. Can I just like lie down and look at my phone for a little while?

Judge: Order. Jurors, this is your final warning.

Bowen: Okay, now the judge is trying to silence three women of color.

Heidi: Okay, can we please move on? As I was saying—

Bowen: Oh my god, wait, I’m literally so bored.

Amy: Yeah. Can we just put on music or something?

All: Midnights.

[singing] Midnight, I stay up
I’m Taylor Swift

Judge: That is not a song for midnight. That is a song from Fun.

Heidi: I just need to finish my cross exam. Mr. Hubbard? How do you explain the steak knife that was missing from your set?

Mr. Hubbard: It had been missing since we moved in.

Heidi: Really? Because in a storm drain nearby, detectives found this supposedly missing knife. Bailiff, show the court Exhibit B.

Bailiff: It’s not in here.

Amy: Oh my god, did you need this? [Amy is cutting a steak with the knife] I’m sorry this chicken cacciatore is tough.

Judge: Alright, that is it. Your three are in contempt of court for disorderly conduct.

Amy: Wait, wait. Sorry, but like real quick, who am I? [acts like she’s stabbing someone]

Sarah and Bowen: Oh! Oh! [pointing at Mr. Hubbard] You’re him.

Sarah: Okay. And who am I? [acts dead]

Judge: Oh, you’re the dead wife.

Heidi: Your honor, she’s using the murder weapon to cut up her saucy chicken.

Amy: Okay, relax, because I can barely even cut through this chicken any way. Wait a minute.

Bowen: The lawyer lady is saying he killed her with that knife.

Amy: But the knife isn’t even sharp enough…

Judge: To cut through her chicken cacciatore.

Sarah: Which means…

All: He’s innocent.

Mr. Hubbard: That’s what I’ve been saying.

All: Hurray.

PBS NewsHourRepublican Momentum Cold Open

Judy Woodruff…Heidi Gardner

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

Dr. Oz…Mikey Day

Kari Lake… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to 1 in her set]

Judy Woodruff: Good evening. I’m Judy Woodruff. And this is the PBS News Hour. We’re what’s your grandma’s talking about when she says “I saw this on the news.” With the midterms less than two weeks away, republicans appear to be surging with a strong closing message from candidates who have gone from underdogs to stars of the Republican Party. But how? Tonight we talked to three of them. First Senate candidate from Georgia, Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker: Yeah, hello, Judas. My name is Herschel Walker, Texas Ranger, and I’m running for President of the United Airlines.

Judy Woodruff: Next, here’s Pennsylvania’s Republican Senate candidate, Dr. Oz.

Dr. Oz: Hello, Judy. My Pennsylvania Phillies are in the World Series. And I just had a delicious Philadelphia cheese and steak. Yum.

Judy Woodruff: And also joining us is Arizona’s Republican candidate for governor, Kari Lake.

Kari Lake: Great to be with you, Judy, on your sweet little show full of lies.

Judy Woodruff: Okay, well, all three of you have been gaining in the polls the past few weeks, despite none of you having any political experience.

Herschel Walker: That’s absolutely right.

Dr. Oz: Right.

Kari Lake: Proud of it.

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Walker, you’re now within three points of Senator Raphael Warnock? Why is your support growing?

Herschel Walker: And that’s where I don’t know. See? The whole world is a mystery. Ain’ it? So for example, a thermos, it keeps the hot things hot, but also the cold things cold. But my question is, how do we decide? So we’re gonna be looking into that very much.

Judy Woodruff: Well, you’ve had a tough campaign. A second woman has now claimed you paid for her abortion. And your ex wife has said you once held a gun to her head. Why are millions of Georgia residents still voting for you?

Herschel Walker: Gas.

Judy Woodruff: Okay, gas prices are high. But is there more to it than that?

Herschel Walker: Well, of course there is. I’m fun. Look, if you want to get on the Jumbotron at the Falcons game, you’ll throw on a cardigan and start making sense. You take your shirt off and you shake your belly around. That’s what I’m doing. And people love me no matter what. Like, the great Trump Donald said, I could pay for the bus in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters. And that’s a promise for me, Herschel Walker potamus.

Judy Woodruff: Very well. Now Dr. Oz, you’ve caught up to your opponent John Fetterman recently surprising many in the media.

Dr. Oz: I sure have. Let’s remember I was a long shot, Judy. But I was told myself, you can win this election if you’re honest, if you’re fair, and if your opponent has a debilitating medical emergency. So we’re very lucky.

Judy Woodruff: Got it. Miss Lake, you’ve pulled ahead of your Democratic opponent Arizona Secretary of State Katie Hobbs.

Kari Lake: Yes, I have.

Judy Woodruff: Now you were a local news anchor and a Democrat for many years.

Kari Lake: Correct, yeah.

Judy Woodruff: And yet you’re gaining voters. Why?

Kari Lake: Because I’m normal, Judy. I’m just a regular hometown gal constantly and soft focus and lit like a 90’s Cinemax soft core. And frankly, I’ve just clicked with many of the wonderful terrified elderly people here in Arizona, the Florida of the West. Also, I’m a fighter. In my life, I’ve sent back over 2000 salads. And I’m not afraid to do the same thing with democracy.

Judy Woodruff: Very well. Now, one of your main campaign issues is the denial of the 2020 election.

Kari Lake: Can you mediate tags just get over the one thing I’ve made the center of my campaign for months and months? Arizonans want to talk about the issues that affect them, like crime in New York or crime in Detroit. And the most pressing issue, drag queen story time. Men dressing as loud sassy women introducing children to the joys of reading? Not on my watch.

Herschel Walker: Hey, can you pass it to me please? I’m open. Listen, Judas. We got babies in school out here identifying as a Pokemon. Okay. And that’s crazy. My son is a boy, last time I checked by text, you know? He certainly ain’t no Snorlax and that’s your science. Excuse me. I’m getting all worked up right now. My head is getting very, very hot.

Dr. Oz: Judy, we need to take care of ourselves. And I recommend the miraculous Alpha cyclo dextrin to help them lose 30 pounds in just one calendar day.

Judy Woodruff: Great. Now Miss Lake, you have proposed some big changes to local voting laws. If you become governor, do you promise to make sure everyone’s vote counts?

Kari Lake: Judy, I’ll make it easy. If the people of Arizona elect me, I’ll make sure they never have to vote ever again.

Judy Woodruff: Now some people are saying that kind of election denialism contributes to violence.

Kari Lake: Violence? What do you mean? Like crazy eyed men in tactical gear waving assault rifles next to ballot boxes? That’s just Arizona, baby. Look, nothing I say can be incendiary because I say it in TV voice. So jump on into Kari Lake, Arizona, because it’s placid and serene on top, but underneath it’s a whole lot of giardia.

Judy Woodruff: Ms. Lake, thank you for being here. And thank you to Dr. Oz and Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker: Go Halloween.

Judy Woodruff: When we return, JD Vance asked President Trump for money to go get an ice cream. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Bartenders

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Michael Longfellow

Heidi Gardner

Duke… Bowen  Yang

Earl… Jack Harlow

Marcello Hernandez

[starts with two couples sitting in a restaurant]

Cecily: I’m so excited to try this place. It got a great review in San Diego magazine.

Kenan: Well, I am starving.

Heidi: Well, all we need as a waiter, so I’m getting my block on.

Duke: Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome to Casita. My name is Duke St. Shoots.

Earl: And I am Earl Twirl Jazz.

Kenan: Nice. Wow. Well, we’d love to start with some tableside gua—

Duke: Oh, we’re out of avocado, cilantro and red onion unfortunately.

Earl: However, we are Horne up to prepare your flight of tableside cocktails this evening.

Cecily: My friend told me about this. They make drinks right at your table.

Kenan: Oh well I think we just want food.

Duke: No, solids can wait. Our first cocked, a classic screwdriver with flair. Head it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Cecily: Well, that was fun.

Kenan: Yeah. And you missed the glasses a lot.

Earl: Next we will make you a custom beverage.

Heidi: Oh, I don’t drink.

Earl: Oh, then we can make you a Vagido?

Heidi: What is a Vagido?

Earl: A Virgin Vagido.

Michael: Do they mean Mojito?

Duke: Cocked number two, hit it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Kenan: All right. Really? Really working those napkins.

Michael: Are we supposed to catch those?

Heidi: Yeah, that wasn’t even virgin. I saw you put rum in it.

Cecily: at least we got to hear that song again.

Earl: Shout out to our DJ.

Duke: Yeah, he’s a busboy with the aux cord.

Marcello: Everyone in here is lucky as hell.

Cecily: Okay, fine. You know what I’ll have? Your pay. A Negroni Sbagliato with Prosecco in it.

Earl: We don’t make those.

Duke: Yeah, we don’t bend to lesbian TikTok.

Marcello: Ayo, Duke, Earl, make them a Long Brown.

Kenan: What on earth is a long brown?

Earl: Gin and Nesquick.

Duke: Cocked number three. Hit it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

[they break all the glasses]

Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter at all. Doesn’t matter. You guys okay?

Kenan: It actually does matter. There’s glass everywhere.

Earl: Okay, wow. Y’all haven’t changed a bit.

Heidi: Excuse me.

Duke: Maybe you’ll remember us now.

[acts like they’re pulling off moustache]

Cecily: You weren’t wearing moustache.

Duke: Oh, we forgot to bring them. We forgot to put them on. But we served you and 2017. we made you all delicious margaritas and you said “This isn’t a margarita. It’s a Mountain Dew.”

Michael: Oh right. You guys immediately started crying.

Earl: The point is you lit a fire under us.

Duke: And we trained for five years to come back here and prove to you that we are the best bartenders in the world. For cocked number four, mashed avocado with cilantro and red onion.

Earl: Bur first—

Kenan: So you do have guac?

Earl: Mouth Vagidos.

Duke: Hey!

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Jan 6th Final Hearing Cold Open

Bennie Thompson… Kenan Thompson

Adam Schiff… Michael Longfellow

Mr. Kinzinger… Andrew Dismukes

Liz Cheney… Heidi Gardner

Jamie Raskin… Mikey Day

Nancy Pelosi… Chloe Fineman

Chuck Schumer… Sarah Sherman

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN. Can you believe it stands for cocker spaniel? We’re now return to the closing statements of the January 6th committee to investigate the attack on our nation’s capital.

[Cut to the House Select Committee’s hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Bennie Thompson: Alright. The House Select Committee will now come to order for its 9th and final hearing. The January 6 was one of the most dramatic and consequential moments in our nation’s history. So to fight back, we assembled a team of monotone nerds to do a PowerPoint.

Adam Schiff: I made mine with Google Slides.

Bennie Thompson: We’ve been investigating this horrible attack for more than a year. But today’s session is going to be a little different. We’re going to summarize our findings, hold a history making vote and then, and only then [pulls out a plate of desserts] we all get to have a little treat.

Mr. Kinzinger:

Oh, come on. Can I have one cupcake now?

Bennie Thompson: No, no, no, no. It’s evidence, then a vote., then a little treat. All right, I would first like to recognize the gentle lady from Wyoming, who I am shocked to say has become my best friend. Liz Cheney.

Liz Cheney: Thank you, Benny. Over the past few months, this bipartisan committee has presented our case to all Americans. Whether you’re a Republican who’s not watching or a Democrat who’s not in so hard, your head is falling off. One person is responsible for this insurrection, Donald Trump. And one person will suffer the consequences, me. You might be wondering what makes me so tough? And I asked you, who is your dad? Is it Dick Cheney? You might wonder how do you have the guts to take on your entire party alone? And I’d say when you were little, who tucked you in at night? Was it Dick Cheney? I’ve been asked how did you get a backbone made of steel? And I asked back, for your 10th birthday, did you eat pizza at Chucky Cheese with all your friends? Or did you shoot a deer in the face with Dick Cheney? So yeah, I guess you could say I have big Dick Cheney energy.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you very much gentle lady from Wyoming. The Chair now recognizes the gentleman from California, and maybe the horror movie Smile. [Adam Schiff is smiling creepily] Actually, no, no, no, we’re gonna skip him. Too spooking. All right. The chair instead recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

Jamie Raskin: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Leading up to January 6, the FBI scoured through alt-right message boards and found disturbing comments like “Who wants to burn DC to the ground?” “Anyone got room in their car for me, 10 rifles, and 30 snakes?” “Where do we park?” “Is their shuttle from La Quinta Inn to coup?” And “Am I at wrong Washington? I see Space Needle.” Yet again, President Trump didn’t raise a finger. And while these hooligans were ransacking our beloved capitol, real leaders like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were bunkered in a Senate hideaway trying to save the country.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone]

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, hello, Mr. Vice President. It’s Pelosi. What is happening over there? Why can’t we get back to the capitol and resume the vote?

[Chuck Schumer is sitting beside Nancy Pelosi, talking on the phone]

Chuck Schumer: Hello, DoorDash. It’s Chuck Schumer? Yes, we still haven’t received any of our lunch order. And yes, I did change the drop off location due to some unfortunate treason. But it still should have arrived by now.

Nancy Pelosi: The President is doing nothing? This is completely unacceptable.

Chuck Schumer: My order, 12 dill pickles still floating in the juice and a hot pastrami sandwich with very light mustard. Did you hear me? I’m not afraid to leave a negative review. I am in a confined space with 30 people and if I get an upset stomach, all hell is gonna break loose.

[Cut back to Jamie Raskin]

Jamie Raskin: And it continues for hours from there.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you, Mr. Raskin. The Chair now recognizes the tenderoni from Illinois.

Mr. Kinzinger: Thank you, Mr. Chair. I took a cupcake. Now, Donald Trump knew he had lost the election. Everyone around him knew. He asked White House Counsel Pat Cipollone “Did I lose the election?” And Pat said, “Yes.” He then asked Ivanka, “Did I really lose the election?” She said, “Yes.” He then tried to janitor, “Hey, you don’t think I lost, do you?” The janitor responded, “I do.” Then the President turned to a dog and said, “What about you? Did I win?” And the dog legit shook its head side to side, then barked a perfect human “No.” Donald was desperate to hang on to power. Meanwhile, real heroes like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were the ones actually running this country.

[Cut to video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, Mr. Vice President, it’s Pelosi again.

Chuck Schumer: Tell him I’m here too.

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, where is President Trump? What is he doing this stop this?

Chuck Schumer: And Hi, Mike. It’s Chuck Schumer. I’m here as well.

Nancy Pelosi: Let me tell you, if Trump comes here now, I’m gonna punch him in the face. Right in the face. I’ll go to jail, but I’ll be happy.

Chuck Schumer: And let me tell you if Trump comes I’m gonna let him punch me in the face. I’ll go to the hospital, free soup.

Bennie Thompson: Yeah, not sure Schumer needs to be in all these clips. Miss Cheney, any final thoughts?

Liz Cheney: The fact is Trump planned to declare victory no matter the results. Look at this video of the president the day before the election,

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You know the votes don’t matter. I’ve always said that that the votes don’t matter at all. Because what even is a vote? It’s just a piece of paper you fold up and put it in a hat a guy shakes it around. And I’m gonna say it by the way, he had a great hat, didn’t he? It was very tall. He borrowed it from Apollo Creed who is a very close friend of mine. We talk on the phone every day. Our wives their friends. He should never have died in that ring. Obama told him to fight Drago and then he gets whacked in the head and boom, where’s the Obamacare? So now, we don’t vote. We don’t vote. [door knocking] It’s open. [someone brings him a can of coke] Thank you very much. Is Mike Pence dead yet?

Bennie Thompson: All right. I think we’ve seen quite enough. Let us now take a vote. Should we subpoena President Trump and force him to testify before this committee?

Liz Cheney: Yes, we must. And this vote is not just an empty gesture. He will testify.

Jamie Raskin: That’s right. He will get on a plane and leave Florida where he is beloved. And he will fly to Washington where he is hated. And he will answer my questions. Questions like, “Hey, who do you think you are, mister?”

Mr. Kinzinger: Trump is 100% coming and this time he will be held accountable? Sure, he got away with a lot of stuff in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, the early 2000s, the 2010s and the early 2020s. But that ends now with us because I’m [looks at his table name plate] Mr. Kinzinger, and he will respect my authority.

Bennie Thompson: All right, well, I can already see this is a complete zero. I want to thank my colleagues for throwing away their summers and in some cases, their careers to serve on this committee.

Jamie Raskin: Ain’t no problem. My calendar was empty.

Liz Cheney: I do have a couple of regrets.

Bennie Thompson: America, I don’t know what more we could possibly show you, except maybe this clip of Nancy Pelosi saying poo poo.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: There is poopoo. There is poopoo on the walls of the Capitol.

Chuck Schumer: What’s that?

Nancy Pelosi: I said they are smearing poopoo  onthe walls with poopoo.

Chuck Schumer: Oh, poop poop. See? That’s what happens with too much mustard.

Bennie Thompson: All right. Well, we tried. It was a fun country while it lasted.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Girl Talk

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Monique… Ego Nwodim

Stacy… Megan Thee Stallion

Kim… Punkie Johnson

Paul… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Willie introducing the show]

Willie: Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show where the tea is hot and the bras are off. It’s time for Girl Talk.

[Monique walks in to the show set]

Monique: Hello. I’m your host Monique Money Monique Problems. And this is girl talk. The talk show where ladies tell me their problems and I keep my advice real simple. I’m like a wise old grandma except I still look good. Ha-ha-ha. Y’all want to know my measurements? Nah, not, maybe. And as always, we got Willie in the DJ booth. How you doing DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh man, I love life. I got two girlfriends. They know about each other and they both cool with it. I’m strong and I’m happy.

Monique: Okay, good for you. DJ Willie. Thank you.

Willie: Ay, thank you.

Monique: All right, let’s get started with our first guest. Please welcome Stacey.

[Stacy walks in]

Hi. How are you doing?

Stacy: Hi, Monique.

Monique: Hi Stacey. So talk to me. What’s going on with you?

Stacy: Okay, well, here’s my problem. My boyfriend of four years just asked me to move in with him. But I’ve recently caught him cheating. What should I do?

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: You’re right. When you put it like that, I need save my coins and break up his ass.

Monique: Um-hmm. There she is y’all. Come on, give it up for Stacey. I saved another life today, y’all. Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our next guest. Please welcome Kim.

[Kim walks in]

Kim: Nice to meet you.

Monique: Okay, hi Kim. What’s going on with you?

Kim: Oh my god, it’s just everything that’s going on with the world is stressing me out. My anxiety is through the roof.

Monique: Umm. You know, this sounds like it’s about to be complex. So why don’t we get our subtitles off for any white people or men tuning in. Go ahead Kim.

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Don’t get me started.]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Pop off!]

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: First off…] Girl… [Subtitle reads: What’s going on with the situation in Ukraine?]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads:I know: How did it come to this?]

Stacey: Girl… [Subtitle reads: I’m not an expert, but…] Girl la… Girl… [Subtitle reads a long paragraph of over Stacy00 words]

Kim: Girl!

Monique: Okay, good boss. Stacy knows her stuff. Does she knows stuff or what? I will be honest, that just got a little too real for me. So why don’t you pick us back up DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh, man. I love my life. You know? My clothes are awesome. I got a cool car. I wake up laughing every morning. Because my life is better than my dreams.

Monique: Alright. Thank you DJ Willie.

Willie: Man, thank you!

Monique: Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our final guests. Paul, come on out.

[Paul walks in]

So Paul, what’s up? Why are you here?

Paul: Well, I thought anyone could come on.

Monique: They can.

Paul: Okay, so my issue is this. I’ve got a great job, but I’m worried if I don’t quit now. I’ll never pursue my real passion drawing. What should I do?

Monique:  Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Okay, so quit my job?

Monique: Okay, you know what? You’re not getting it. Stacy, you’re the one with the boyfriend, right? So why don’t you help us out? Yeah.

Stacey: I got this. Bro…

Paul: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I should quit drawing because I’m not really good at it.

Monique: Um-hmm. There we go. Boom. Third life saved, y’all.

Paul: Wow. And you’re the best. So I guess instead of saying thank you, I’ll take a page out of your book and say girl!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Monique: No, you’re not doing that. No way.

Stacey: You know where to go.

Monique: Alright, that’s our show. Play my song DJ Willie

Deer

Mr. Reynolds… Kenan Thompson

Megan Thee Stallion

Molly Kearney

Devon Walker

James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Mr. Reynolds visiting his daughter’s country house. There’s Megan, Devon and their friends.]

Mr. Reynolds: My goodness, my goodness. I can’t believe my daughter lives in this beautiful house.

Molly: It really is so cozy.

Megan: Thanks everybody. I know it’s remote, but we love it.

Devon: And the schools are great, you know, if you decide to have kids one day.

Mr. Reynolds: One day? You need them now.

Megan: Dad Stop.

Mr. Reynolds: Well, I will not stop. I will never stop on that.

James: Well you guys, look out the window. There’s a deer in your woods.

Megan: Oh really? A deer? Where is it?

James: It’s right there by that pine tree.

[everybody goes to the window to have a look]

Molly: Oh, right. Cute.

Mr. Reynolds: Where is it? I don’t see it.

Devon:  It’s right by the pine tree, dad, look.

Megan: Awww. He a big one. Or is it a girl deer because it don’t have horns.

Mr. Reynolds: Where’s this deer you’re talking about?

Molly: It’s by the pine tree, Mr. Reynolds.

Mr. Reynolds: I know what it’s by. But where’s that?

Megan: It’s right there, dad. Do you see the two rocks?

Mr. Reynolds: I thought I was looking for a deer. Now I got to find rocks.

Molly: There’s two big round rocks, Mr. Reynolds.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay. Don’t yell at me. Just show me where the deer is that.

Megan: Do you see where I’m pointing?

Mr. Reynolds: Yes. At rocks.

Megan: Dad, bring your eyes by my hand and follow the arc of the point.

Mr. Reynolds: You know what? Nevermind. I don’t need to see it.

Megan: Dad just follow the arc of my point with your eyes to the deer.

Mr. Reynolds: I said it’s okay. I don’t really care.

Megan: But it’s right there. Just make your eyes go in line with the angle of my point.

Mr. Reynolds: [yelling] I said forget it. I don’t need to see no deer. Deers are boring anyway.

James: Oh my god. There’s a bunny riding on the back of the deer.

Mr. Reynolds: Oh now what? Where’s that happening now?

[There’s really a bunny on a deer’s back]

Devon: Aww, and the bunny has a tail.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay, and if I wanted to see that, where exactly would I look?

Devon: It’s walking straight towards us. See? Look.

Megan: Dad. Imagine a laser coming from my finger.

Mr. Reynolds: What?

Megan: Do you see the third clouds on the side of the sky?

Mr. Reynolds: The side of the sky?

James: It’s right there at 12 o’clock.

Mr. Reynolds: Was that east coast time or the west coast time?

Molly: There’s no difference.

Mr. Reynolds: Oh, just shut up.

Devon: The deers right there. You have to see it.

Mr. Reynolds:  Yeah, but I don’t and I don’t want to. Shoot. I think you’re making all this up.

Megan: Alright, daddy. It’s okay. Let’s just talk about something else.

James: Yeah, it’s not that great of a deer anyway.

Molly: Oh my god, it’s at the window, Mr. Reynolds. Look.

[It’s jus behind Mr. Reynolds, peeking in through the window.]

Mr. Reynolds: I will not. I have lost all interest in the deer.

Megan: But it’s right there waving at us.

[The deer is actually waving at them]

Mr. Reynolds: I don’t care is doing the Macarena.

James: For the love of God, just turn around and you’ll see it.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay fine. But it better be there.

[as Mr. Reynolds turns around, the deer ducks and hides]

You know, I’m gonna burn this whole house down.

Molly: It was right there. It just ducked down somewhere.

Mr. Reynolds: Yeah, y’all messing with me. Just like when you pulled my pants down at the Yankee game.

Devon: I didn’t pull your pants down. They were loose, they fell on their own.

Mr. Reynolds: Yeah, whatever. everybody always messing with me.

James: Oh my god.

[Megan looks around and jumps away being scared.]

Megan: Oh my god, daddy. The deer’s in the house.

[The deer is just behind the couch that Mr. Reynolds’s sitting on]

Mr. Reynolds: I don’t want to hear about no deer.

James: It’s right behind you.

Mr. Reynolds: Hue? Who is Hue?

Megan: Not Hue. You.

Mr. Reynolds: Will ya’ll please stop messing with me?

Molly: Mr. Reynolds, it’s got a knife.

Mr. Reynolds: What? [Mr. Reynolds looks around. The deer is really holding a knife. Mr. Reynolds being shocked, punches the deer down.]

Megan: Oh my god, daddy, you saved us.

Mr. Reynolds: That’s right. Pack your bags, girl. You move in back to the city. Out here fooling with these deers.

[sad music playing]

Megan: No. No, daddy. We love it out here. I know you worry about me but I promise we’re gonna be okay.

Mr. Reynolds: Well, you know I do worry. Maybe you right? Maybe my baby girl…

Molly: Oh my god. Mr. Reynolds, the deer is pulling down your pants.

Mr. Reynolds: Hey, get off my pants, you porno deer. What’s wrong with you? Everybody messing with me.