Tag: Kenan Thompson

Old New York

Bobby Moynihan, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam, Woody Harrelson

[Starts with four men having a drink]

Bobby: I’m telling you, boys, this city has changed for the worst.

Kenan: It’s unbelievable. I can’t tell you the last time I had a decent slice of pizza here.

Taran: Yeah, forget about it. Remember, Mod Nelly’s on 9th. Best sauce in the city, hands down.

Bobby: Oh, hands down.

Kenan: And now, it’s replaced by a damn dog spa. I men, what the hell is that?

Taran: I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a crime and a shame. Ay, let me ask you this. When was the last time you had a good knish?

Kenan: Couldn’t tell ya.

Bobby: Yeah, you know, you can’t find a decent knish in the city but I’ll tell you, you can get a friggin froyo every 13 feet.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Yeah, remember the crack?

[audience laughing]

Kenan: What?

Woody: Crack. I mean, have you had it lately? It’s awful.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Like, smoking crack?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: I mean, that’s if you gonna even find it. But like you said, there’s friggin froyo everywhere. You know?

Kenan: You know what I miss?

Woody: Crack?

Kenan: No. New York city hotdogs.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Kenan: Real dogs. Bright red with a good snap. Spicy mustard!

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Um-hmm.

Taran: There used to be a good hotdog cart on every corner. But now, it’s all just Korean barbecue and tacos.

Bobby: Yeah, when did New York city become the friggin taco capital of the world.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Man, you can clearly like taste the difference, let alone the high is kind of twitchy.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: What high?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: The crack high. It tasted better, lasted longer and cost less. It’s almost like they know would you settle for any crack.

Kenan: Ay man, what the hell you talking about?

Woody: I’m saying what you guys are saying. That the city has changed.

Kenan: Well, no, you’re not.

Woody: Yeah, you said the pizza thing. And then you’re talking about the knishes and who I can’t remember said something about crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: You! You brought up crack. Again. We don’t smoke crack.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: And I don’t blame you. It’s not as good.

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Alright buddy, just stop bringing it up.

Woody: Alright, jeez. [Cut to Kenan and Woody] I mean, we’re all talking. It’s a free country.

Kenan: I miss the respect. Kids used to have respect in this city.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Absolutely, but not anymore. Now, every time I get on the subway, I see some punk sitting down and some old lady standing up.

Taran: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Not to mention that the price to ride the subway is just insane.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Tell me about it. It’s like where do you even find crack at this time a day?

Kenan: Hey, man. We warned you.

Woody: I mean on a subway for what they charging us to ride a damn thing, you think they give us just a little crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: We don’t smoke crack. Okay? Will you just get lost, man?

Taran: Please!

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Oh! I see what this is. I mean, you guys just want to talk to each other. I guess I’m intruding and maybe I should go.

Kenan: Yeah. [00:Woody0:Kenan6]

[Cut to everybody]

Bobby: Yeah, that would be great.

Woody: Very well, then. Good day gentlemen. But before I go, I have to say you’re all under arrest.

Taran: For what?

[Cut to Woody]

Woody: For possession of crack, cocaine. Now, put your drugs on the table.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: We don’t have any crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Wait, is that a vote for native button?

[Cut to Woody showing an election badge.]

Woody: Worth a shot. Good night guys.

[Cut to Bobby, Kenan and Taran]

Bobby: Uh, what a weirdo.

Taran: Yeah, I do miss the meth though.

Bobby: Oh! So much.

Kenan: Oh, meth was my favorite.

[cheers and applause]

New Marijuana Policy

Taran Killam

Pete Davidson

Hippie… Woody Harrelson

[Starts with clip of New York city.]

Male voice: We’re gonna talk about a change in the NYPD’s marijuana enforcement policy. None necessary arrest from minor marijuana–

[Cut to Taran Killam in his news set]

Taran Killam: If caught in public with up to 25 grams of marijuana, you will not be charged or arrested. [Cut to Pete watching the news] But receive what basically comes down to, a slap on the wrist. Truly historic. We go for now to Jake Fugazaki with sports.

[Cut to Pete recalling the news]

Taran Killam: 25 grams, in public, you will not be arrested.

[Pete take a small bag of  marijuana and goes out. He looks around, others are getting out as well. They are showing their marijuana bags to each other.]

[Cut to a car that runs over a sidewalk. A woman gets out of the car, the car is filled with smoke.]

[Cut to a hippie walking out to the street with his bong.]

Hippie: [screaming] Free. At last!

[Cut toe everybody walking in the street being very happy.]

[Cut to a woman walking with a baby stroller. She takes a small bag of marijuana out and shows it to Pete.]

[Cut to Pete smiling at the woman]

[Cut to everybody walking. They stop in front of two police officers.]

[Pete shows a bag of marijuana to the police officers. The police smiles and puts down his hat.]

[Everyone is jumping and celebrating.]

[The policemen join them too.]

[Pete takes a roll out and almost lights it.]

Police: Hey, hey, hey, hey! You can’t smoke that out here.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: But, the new law?

[Cut to the policeman]

Police: Yeah, you can have it. But it’s still illegal to smoke in public. I’ll have to arrest.

[Cut to everybody]

Pete: Oh!

Everybody: [disappointed] Oh!

[Cut to everybody getting disappointed]

[Cut to Pete inside his house]

Pete: Maybe, we have the power to change things. We can organize. Persuade law makers to– [music on TV] Oh! Sweet! Rugrats is on.

[Cut to the clip of New York city. Smoke is coming out of every building.]

Last Call with Woody Harrelson

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Chip Fister… Woody Harrelson

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth. There are two customers.]

Bartender: Okay, last call, you two. Order now before I turn on the lights and you really see what’s going on with yourselves.

Chip Fister: Bartender, [Cut to Chip Fister] I have a legal speed ball that’s red bull and ambien.

[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: And I’ll take a tequila and condensed milk, please. I’m meeting a friend here tonight, Mr. Al K. Hal. [laughing]

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Chip Fister: Ah! I see there’s still one dried up old leaf that hasn’t dropped off the tree yet.

[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Why don’t you wreck me up in a pile and jump on top of me before you bag me and leave me on the curb for someone else to deal with, huh?

[Cut to Chip Fister]

Chip Fister: Sounds like a job for my leaf blower. Eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows.

[Cut to Bartender looking at Chip Fister disgusted.]

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Hey, is this stool taken? Coz, the one I’m sitting on’s got a nail that’s giving my butt meat the what for.

Chip Fister: Screw it on over. I don’t bite. My poligrip won’t allow it.

[Sheila Sauvage moves near Chip Fister]

Sheila Sauvage: I noticed you over here coz you’re so breathing.

Chip Fister: And I noticed you coz you’re vertical and you have a pepperoni on your neck.

Sheila Sauvage: Then it worked.

[Sheila Sauvage takes the pepperoni out of her neck and eats it.]

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Okay, let’s wrap it up. Moonlight come and me wanna go home.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage. Sheila Sauvage puts her hand on Chip Fister’s shoulder.]

Sheila Sauvage: Hey, they call me Sheila Sauvage. They being the people who hold bathroom key at White Castle. What’s your mommy yell when she wants you to come home for dinner, huh?

Chip Fister: Chip. Chip Fister. Which is weird because I work as Lays as a chip shifter. I pick out the gross ones.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: You sure do.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Chip Fister: What do you do for a living?

Sheila Sauvage: Oh, me? I replaster unpopular glory holes.

Chip Fister: I think I’ve seen your work.

[Bartender giving them drinks]

Bartender: Alright, alright. Here you go, name and nut. I put them into go cups coz you need to go.

Chip Fister: Wow. I’ve been looking at you all night. You were, uhhh [gesturing average] But now I’m thinking, yeww.

Sheila Sauvage: And you? You had me at when you didn’t leave with the others.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Could you two hurry this up? I gotta get up at the dawn.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Alright. You heard the man. Let’s speed this mama up and take the express train to Penetracia.

Chip Fister: As long as you don’t mind taking a detour through STDetroit.

[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage start touching each other’s faces]

Sheila Sauvage: Are you feeling what I’m feeling?

Chip Fister: You’re feel it’s an impulse to rech, then yes, but I’m willing to ignore it.

Sheila Sauvage: Wait, hang on. Hang on. Apparently there’s a lot of nasty stuff going around since the CDC.

Chip Fister: And who knows better than the sinner for doing it correctly?

[Sheila Sauvage takes plastic wrap out]

Sheila Sauvage: We need to use protection. Bar keep, I’m gonna borrow a square foot of your cling wrap if that’s okay.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: But that’s not my front.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Alright.

[Sheila Sauvage covers her face with plastic wrap paper and kisses Chip Fister]

[Cut to Bartender looking at them shockingly.]

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kissing with the plastic on.]

Chip Fister: Oh, oh! Hey! Let’s==

Sheila Sauvage: That was unstrordinary.

Chip Fister: I think I dejaculated.

Sheila Sauvage: You know what, buster? We’re gonna live on the edge here. Come on.

[Sheila Sauvage puts the plastic wrap on again]

Chip Fister: Yeah! Hey, let’s break the seal on this deal.

[Chip Fister makes a hole on the plastic]

Sheila Sauvage: I’ve been breached.

[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kiss without the plastic wrap]

[Bartender is putting kerosine everywhere]

Bartender: Well, I gotta kill us all, I guess.

[cheers and applause]

Zombie Apocalypse High School

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Dunken… Kyle Mooney

Megan… Cecily Strong

Harry Miller… Jim Carrey

Ben… Pete Davidson

[Starts with a clip of destroyed houses. The screen reads “Powder Springs, Georgia. Kenan0 days after the zombie apocalypse.”]

Kenan: Hey, you think this buried Kater hall?
Beck: It better.

[Cut to the four survivors]

This is the last safe place in town.

Dunken: Never thought I’d be so happy to be stuck at school.

Megan: Shut up, Dunken.

Dunken: Whatever, Megan!

Kenan: Hey, somebody’s coming.

Beck: Who’s out there?

[Cut to everybody. Harry Miller is standing with a baseball bat and a cushion tied on on arm.]

Harry Miller: Hey there, neighbor. My name’s Harry Miller, seeking refuge. You went to school with my boy, Ben.

Megan: Oh, yeah! Ben Miller. I had science with him.

Beck: You ain’t been bit, right?

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Do I look like I’ve been bit, y’all? Could a zombie do this? A-B-C-D-E-F-G– and the rest?

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Very impressive. Clear path for him boys.

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Ben, come on now. Come on boy.

[Harry Miller has Ben who is a zombie on a rod leash. He is hitting him with the baseball bat.]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Uh, Ben’s a zombie, dude!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Ben? That’s bananas.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Now, look at him. It’s not bananas at all.

Megan: He’s acting all sparling.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Anyone can tell this boy suffers from classic case of ADHD.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Ay! He’s trying to say flesh. And that is a zombie word.

Dunken: Yeah! Plus, if he’s not a zombie then why am I like, super scared of him?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Oh, I get it. Y’all don’t want him in there because you think he different. Well, you know what? He is different. He likes art, he reads books that challenge him. That’s why we can’t come in, right?

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: [putting on some lip gloss] He’s right, y’all. We shouldn’t not let Ben in just because he is a bookworm.

Dunken: Where did you even get the lip gloss, Megan?

Megan: I looted it from Sephora.

Beck: Ah! Dude, Ben’s eating a hand.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Ben is eating a hand.]

Harry Miller: [Hitting Ben with the bat] Hey, put that down.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket hiding from the other four survivors]

Here, I tell you what. For now, just take this. Eat it.

[Ben eats it]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Oh! You just fed him brain. I saw it.

Kenan: Come on! Why wasting our time, man? He’s a zombie. You’re not. I mean, this is just straight up stupid?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What does he have to do to get in there? Put on a show? I mean, he does impressions. Do one Ben.

[Cut to Ben. He’s just screaming like a zombie.]

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: I’ll give you a hint. Talks real slow. Stares at you with dead eyes. It’s Brian Williams.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: Oh, my god! That is good, right?

Beck: Watch out!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Another zombie tries to attack Harry Miller but Ben stops him]

[Cut to Ben and another zombie. They talk in zombie language then bite each other’s flesh.]

[Cut to Harry Miller, Ben and the other zombie. The other zombie leaves.]

Harry Miller: That’s my boy. Bossing around with his pals.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Why are you keeping this up? Your son speaks to zombies.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Well, I speak a few words Spanish, that don’t make me a Mexican.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: You know what? Last chance, dude! You can come in but your zombie son can’t.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Alright. Guess I’m busted. He is a zombie.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: We know!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Let me just say goodbye to my boy. Will You? Now Ben.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

Now, you listen here Ben. You gotta be your own man Ben. Ben, you gotta be your own man, make an ashed dead girl a happy, happy dead girl. Marry her, fall in love. Have a baby and eat it. Here.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket]

I want you to have this. It’s the last little bit of brain your mama had.

[Ben eats it]

Now you go on and be the zombie [crying] that I know you can be. Well, I guess one more hug wouldn’t hurt. Come here.

[When Harry Miller tries to hug Ben, he bites him on the shoulder.]

Oh, god! Oh, my god! That was just not really smart thing to–

[Harry Miller is also growling now. They walk to the four survivors]

[Cut to the four survivors. Harry Miller and Ben are trying to reach them]

Dunken: I’ll get the crossbows.

Megan: Get right, Dunken. You suck at shooting.

Dunken: Shut up, Megan!

[Ends with the clip of the destroyed house]

Lincoln Ads 2

[Start with Kenan speaking in front of a house about insurance]

Kenan: You probably have deductible of $500 on your car insurance. Why shouldn’t you drink to drive safely? All state thinks it should. Down to nothing. Can you afford not to be in good– Oh my god!

[1 gets hit by a car]

[Cut to Jim Carrey driving the car. It’s the Lincoln car commercial. He is not wearing any shirt. His tie is on his forehead.]

Jim Carrey: They say that god made the moon. But, I don’t know. Maybe the moon made him. Or her.

[Cut to Kenan at 1’s car’s boot. The car is still moving.]

Kenan: Please, stop the car.

Jim Carrey: No, that’s freaking cool. Lincoln.

Ebola Press Conference

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Ron Klain… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moyniham

Aidy Bryant

Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with C-SPAN intro]

Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, earlier today President Obama introduced Ebola czar Ron Klain who took questions on the latest developments in the Ebola crisis.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

[cheers and applause]

Barack Obama: Well, thank you all for coming. As you know, just two days ago, another American, this time a doctor in New York was diagnosed with Ebola. Now, some people want to criticize the way our administration has handled this crisis. And it’s true, we made a few mistakes early on. But I assure you, it was nowhere near as bad as how we handled the ISIS situation. I mean, our very Secret Service mishaps, or the scandals of the IRS and the NSA. And I don’t know if you guys remember, but the Obamacare website had some pretty serious problems too. In fact, if you look at all the stuff that’s happened my second term, this whole Ebola thing is probably one of my greatest accomplishments.

Now, I’d like to introduce the man who will be managing this crisis moving forward. New Ebola czar, Ron Klain.

[Ron Klain walks in]

Ron Klain: Thank you Mr. President. Thank you. [applause] Thank you members of the press. I am really more of a behind the scene’s guy but I am excited to take your questions. Yes.

[Cut to the press.]

Cecily: Mr. Klain, you have no actual medical training or background with dealing with infectious disease, is that correct?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Um, yes. Yes, that is true. I am not a doctor. But, to be fair, I did service chief of staff to vice president Joe Biden. So, I do have some experience with the little something called food in mouth disease. [laughing]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: It seems like that’s a joke disease. Just to confirm, no experience with actual medical diseases?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: No. Next question.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: A lot of Americans still don’t understand why we have an issue to travel ban on flights on West Africa.

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Okay, at this point, a travel ban on country is with Ebola would be an overreaction. If anything, we should be more afraid of the flu. It kills many more people every year.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: But 0.01% with the flu die from it. And with Ebola, it’s Aidy0%.

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Yes, yes, well we could all go throwing statistics around.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha. Such as?

[Cut to Ron Klain. He doesn’t know any statistic.]

Ron Klain: I don’t have any with me at the moment but if you just give me some time, everything will be 100% cool as hell.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Mr. Klain, some have speculated you were brought in mainly to handle this from a political perspective. Even the midterm elections are in two weeks. Any comment on that?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Yeah! Right now, I am not worried about winning elections. However, there are a few safety tips that people should know heading towards election day. For example, the Ebola virus actually flourishes in warmer clients– climates, excuse me. So, if you live in a southern state such as Louisiana, Arkansas or Kentucky, you actually may want to avoid any large public spaces like, say a polling booth. One exception however, is that we believe Latinos in red states may actually have immunity to Ebola. So, they’re good to go.

And now, finally, we wanted someone from New York to talk directly to you. So, we asked mayor De Blasio and governor Cuomo, but it turns out there was only one New York democrat willing to be seen with President Obama today.

[Al Sharpton walks in]

Al Sharpton: Hey, hey, hey. [cheers and applause] To save the day! Thank you Ron Klain, Ebola Czar. Okay, first off, yes, Ebola is in New York. But don’t worry about me, I’m immuned to all infectious diseases as even the tiniest particles cannot get past this mustache. And all you other New Yorkers shouldn’t worry either. People should go about their daily lives. And so should New York’s pigeons, rats and sewer monsters. Because if you worry that some parts of New York are contaminated, you’re wrong. All of New York is contaminated all the time.

I once got the clap by wearing short shorts through the port authority. Snap!

So, information. Be safe, brush your teeth and [shouting] live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

39 Cents

Charles Daniels… Bill Hader

Jay Pharoah

Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Ballery… Vanessa Bayer

[Start with video clips of slum dwellers.]

[Cut to Charles Daniels]

Charles Daniels: Hello. I’m Charles Daniels. For years, we’ve been taking it to villages like his, and showing you the heartbreak of families whose only mistake was being born poor. They need your help. And for only 39 cents a day, you can provide water, food and medicine for these people. Just 39 cents, that’s less than a small cup of coffee, but it can make all the difference in the world to the people in this village.

[A slum dweller washing clothes whispering]

Jay: Ask for more.

Charles Daniels: Sorry?

Jay: Ask for more money. Why are you starting so low?

[Cut to Charles Daniels speaking in the village]

Charles Daniels: As you can see these villagers are desperate for your help. So, don’t hesitate. Pick up the phone.

[Slum dwellers at the back talking]

Kenan: Ay, what they shooting?

Jay: Commercial of something.

Kenan: A what?

Charles Daniels: Dial the number and send over 39 cents. That’s all we need.

Kenan: [yelling from the back] Start higher!

Jay: I know, right?

Charles Daniels: 39 cents may not sound like a lot, but it can mean so much to these families.

Jay: [speaking from behind] It’s not even a round number. Like, if he said $one, I could see how he got there.

Kenan: Yeah, but you know, they always have to take away a penny to make it sound like less.

Jay: I get that. I’m just saying, why not start at 99 cents?

Charles Daniels: 39 cents, that’s [speaking loudly so that Jay and Kenan can hear] all these people need survive. And they’d be so, so lucky and appreciative to get it. So, for the price of a cup coffee.

[Sasheer walks to Jay and Kenan behind]

Sasheer: Who that?

Kenan: He talking about all they need to send is a bare minimum to keep us alive.

[Cut to Charles Daniels talking in another place]
Charles Daniels: We’re not asking for the bare minimum. [Jay, Kenan and Sasheer are following Charles Daniels] This number has been decided by very educated and caring people who can save your lives.

Sasheer: How?

Charles Daniels: How?

Sasheer: How are you gonna safe our lives from only 39 cents? Because I’m trying to do the math in my head but I just can’t see it.

Charles Daniels: 39 cents is plenty.

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: He keeps saying 39  cents. Why you keep saying 39 cents?

Charles Daniels: For the price of a cup of coffee.

Leslie: Why can’t it be the price of Arizona Ice Tea? They 99 cents.

Charles Daniels: Because it’s not the price of an Arizona. It’s gotta be coffee.

Jay: It don’t though.

Sasheer: Plus, coffee is way more expensive than 39 cents.

Charles Daniels: It’s 39 cents. You know, for starving village, you people have a lot of energy. Maybe people will just send their checks some place else.

Kenan: Oh, you asking for a check? Yo, why would you ask for a check?

Sasheer: You’d settle for a check.

Charles Daniels: It’s got to be a check, okay?

Jay: It don’t though.

[Ballery walks in]

Ballery: Here’s your coffee and your change, Mr. Daniels.

Charles Daniels: Perfect timing Ballery. I love it.

Kenan: Ay, white lady, how much is that coffee?

Charles Daniels: It doesn’t matter.

Leslie: I bet you don’t even know what country you in.

Charles Daniels: I do know what country I’m in.

Jay, Kenan, Sasheer and Leslie: What? What country are you at?

Charles Daniels: Africa?

Jay, Kenan, Sasheer and Leslie: Oh! Listen! Hell no!

[Leslie looks at the camera and speaks]

Leslie: Ay! If you wanna see this cheap ass white man again, you better send us $Jay00 cash right now. Don’t hesitate.

[Cut to HelpFund video bumper. It has ‘Send $Jay00 to save Charles Daniels’ on it.]

The Fault in Our Stars 2

Theodore… Taran Killam

Olive… Sarah Silverman

Terrence Howard… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of Fault In Our Starts]

Male voice: From the makers of Fault In Our Stars. [Cuts to clips from another movie] Comes in all new film about heartbreak, and teenage love against the odds.

[Theodore and Olive look at each other. They are in the hospital and they show the patient band to each other.]

Based on the best selling novel.

Theodore: What’s your name?

Olive: Olive.

Theodore: I’m Theodore. At your service. [Olive laughs]

[Theodore and Olive shake their hands]

[Cut to Theodore and Olive walking around holding hands. Theodore is walking around with oxygen cylinder with her.]

Olive: When I said I’d do anything to get out of high school, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

Theodore: Tell me your story.

Olive: Well, when I was first diagnosed, I didn’t really–

Theodore: No. Tell me your real story.

Male voice: Because being sick doesn’t have to be a life sentence.

Theodore: I know that love is just a shouting at the void and that oblivion is inevitable. But, I’m sticking with you no matter what kind of cancer you have.

Olive: No, I don’t have cancer. I have Ebola.

[audience laughing]

Theodore: [shocked] Oh!

Male voice: It’s “The Fault In Our Stars 2: The Ebola In Our Everything.”

[Cut to Theodore moving away from Olive]

Sometimes the most contagious disease is love.

[Olive smiles at Theodore]

[Cut to Theodore in the farm at night]

Olive: Maybe we should as your doctor if this is okay.

[Cut to Olive]

Olive: If doctors know so much than why doctor dead from Ebola?

[Cut to Theodore fake smiling and walking away]

Male voice: The movie that LA Times calls, “Astonishing.” And the World Health Organization calls, “Plausible.”

[Cut to Olive looking at the stars]

Olive: I just live for these little infinities with you.

[Cut to Theodore]

Theodore: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Olive]

Olive: Can you hear me? You’re so far away.

[Cut to Theodore and Olive both lying on the ground but they are far away]

Theodore: I’m good.

Male voice: USA Today says, “I laughed. I panicked. I mostly panicked.”

Olive: Let’s just travel the world. Get on a plane or a crowded bus and just go.

Theodore: Oh! That’s not a good idea.

Olive: Is this a good idea?

[Olive moves forward to kiss Theodore. Theodore is about to cry being scared.]

[Cut to Terrence Howard ]

Male voice: With Terrence Howard as the trusted guidance counselor.

Terrence Howard : It’s not how long you live, it’s how you live it.

[Cut to Theodore]

Theodore: She wants to have sex.

Terrence Howard : Hell, no!

Theodore: Just a tip?

Terrence Howard : [thinks for a moment] Maybe.

[Cut to Olive undressing herself.]

[Cut to Theodore undressing himself but he’s wearing hospital suit from the inside.]

Male voice: The Fault In Our Stars 2: The Ebola In Our Everything. Because you can’t quarantine your heart.

Forgotten Television Gems

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Miss Mondre… Cecily Strong

Monica… Sarah Silverman

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Rosa… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Forgotten TV Gems intro]

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good afternoon. I’m Reese De’What. Welcome to the Forgotten TV Gems. Today, we look back at the short lived soap opera “Supported Women”. The first serial drama to break away from the soap opera cliche of Katty, backstabbing female character. And instead of present women as nurturing and empathetic. Audiences tuned in and whatever the opposite of droves is. Why did they not tune in? I do not know. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she did today. And I said, “I don’t know. Sit your ass into the car.” Worst anniversary ever.

Let’s watch a scene from a “Supportive Women” now.

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Two women are standing in office.]
Miss Mondre: Monica, you’ve made quite an impression in the short time you’ve been here.

[Cut to Monica]

Monica: Thank you Ms. Mondre. I enjoy the work that I do.

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Well, if you’re not careful, you’ll work yourself to death. Say, did I just hear a knock at the door?

[Cut to Miss Mondre and Monica. Monica looks away at the door while Miss Mondre puts something in Monica’s glass of water.]

Monica: Well, I don’t think so.

Miss Mondre: Oh, my mistake. Well, here you go. [Miss Mondre gives the glass of water to Monica]

[Monica takes the glass and drinks the water]

Monica: This isn’t just water, is it?

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Not quite. And the effects should be kicking in right about now.

[Cut to Monica choking]

Monica: I feel, [chokes again] better!

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Yeah, it’s emergency because I noticed you were coughing earlier.

[Cut to Miss Mondre and Monica]

Monica: Thank you. That is so sweet.

Miss Mondre: Well, you’re welcome.

[Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut to Miss Mondre looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Isn’t that weird? Women being nice and not hurtful to each other. Audiences clearly would have rather seen that white boss lady grabbed that other girl by her weave and jack-smack her across the lobby and into the break room. And that is a review quote from Variety magazine. The big one. The one that comes out on the weekends that recaps everything.

Here’s another scene from “Supportive Women.”

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Taran is holding Monica from the back in the office.]

Taran: I need you. Kiss me.

Monica: I can’t. You’re married to my best friend.

[Cut to Aidy walking in on them]

Aidy: What’s going on in here?

[Cut to Monica and Taran]

Monica: Your husband tried to kiss me but I said no.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And I believe you.

[cut to Monica and Taran]

Monica: Thank you.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re welcome, girlfriend.

[Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut to Aidy looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut to Taran looking confused]

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Did you see that? Even that man in the scene comprehend the way these women were acting towards each other. Women are instinctively awful to each other. Yesterday, I saw a gal trip another gal and called her an old pig just because she had the same iPhone case. I think that’s what she said. It happened kind of, far away. Here’s one last very dramatic scene from “Supportive women.” Enjoy.

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Monica has a gun in her hand.]

Monica: It’s all going to be better soon. Ha-ha-ha-ha. She won’t know what hit her.

[Cut to Rosa holding a mop]

Rosa: Miss, what are you doing in here?

[Cut to Monica and Rosa]

Monica: [pointing a gun at Rosa] Don’t move, Rosa. Stay right where you are.

[Cut to Rosa being scared.]

[Cut to Monica]

Monica: Because I have a gun I wanna give you. I know you live in a crappy neighborhood. I’d feel terrible if anything happened to you. You’re such a cool chic.

[Cut to Rosa smiling]

Rosa: Thank you. I’ll use that gun in my neighborhood for sure. What a considerate gift.

[Cut to Monica and Rosa]

Monica: I’m so glad you liked it. Here.

[Monica mistakenly pulls the trigger and shoots Rosa]

[Monica holds Rosa]

Monica: Rosa, it was a mistake.

Rosa: I know that dummy. Don’t give it a second thought. You were just trying to be nice. Just all me an ambulance. I’ll be fine. You smell good.

Monica: Aw, gracious.

Rosa: Bienvenida.

[Rosa dies in Monica’s arms.]

[Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: That character died with a smile on her face. I do not know why. Do not ask me those things. This is not why I’m here. Not at this stage in the game. Thank you for watching Forgotten Television Gems. I have been Reese De’What. Good night.

 

NFL intros

Jim Nantz… Beck Bennett

Phil Simms… Taran Killam

Derrick Watkins, Terrence White, Devin Peters, Kendrick Douglas… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Jeffries, Bart Doleman… Bobby Moynihan

Terry Pope, Lavar Washington, Jacob Reynolds, Abaskuul Sulemon… Jay Pharoah

Victor Naples, Jeffrey Wilkins, Donald Washburn, Barry Jenkins… Chris Pratt

Calvin Williams, Greg Watkins… Kyle Mooney

Marvin Ingram… Michael Che

Willie Sampson, Wendell Jones… Pete Davidson

Tim Stevens… Colin Jost

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas… Leslie Jones

[Starts with NFL intro]

[Cut to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. They are the show reporters.]

Jim Nantz: Hello and welcome to the NFL on CBS. I’m Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim.

Jim Nantz: Obviously, NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now, with the series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.

Phil Simms: But they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.

Jim Nantz: Accountability. That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet Baltimore Raven’s offense.

[Cut to Derrick Watkins]

Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. Assault!

[Cut to Kyle Jeffries]

Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Man slaughter!

[Cut to Terry Pope.]

Terry Pope: Terry Pope. Abort an assault rifle to a barbecue.

[Cut to Victor Naples]

Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch of stuff.

[Cut to Calvin Williams]

Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Lootering with an intent to murder.

[Cut to Marvin Ingram]

Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State University.

[Cut to Willie Sampson]

Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason.

[Cut to Jeffrey Wilkins]

Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution.

[Cut to Terrence White]

Terrence White: Terrence White. I od’ed on penis pills.

[Cut to Lavar Washington]

Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman. That’s federal, baby.

[Cut to Tim Stevens]

Tim Stevens: And I am the punter. Tax fraud.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Wow, certainly a different line than we used to see.

Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the team looks significantly different than they did last week.

Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.

Phil Simms: I notice that as well.

Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they receive for their offences?

Phil Simms: [speaking secretly] Well, no, there weren’t any. So were not.

Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panther’s defense.

[Cut to Jacob Reynolds]

Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club.

[Cut to Donald Washburn]

Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American taliban.

[cut to Wendell Jones]

Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine.

[Cut to Devin Peters]

Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford.

[Cut to Bart Doleman]

Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nothing yet, but I’m gonna.

[cut to Barry Jenkins]

Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship.

[Cut to Greg Watkins]

Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was in that cruise too. It was pretty fun.

[Cut to Abaskuul Sulemon]

Abaskuul Sulemon: Abaskuul Sulemon. Somali pirate.

[Cut to Kendrick Douglas]

Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.

[Cut to Mrs. Kendrick Douglas]

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife. I hit his ass back.

[Cut to Melvin McDonald]

Melvin McDonald: Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.

Phil Simms: So, let’s get you straight to the field for kick off. We’ll see you back here for the half time show featuring Chris Brown. And a very special tribute to Pacman Jones.

Jim Nantz: Yes, it’s the NFL on CBS.

[Ends with an outro]