Tag: Monologue

Paul Rudd’s Best Man Speech | Monologue | Season 44 Episode 21

Paul Rudd

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [music playing]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

[Paul Rudd walks in the door and up to the stage.] [Cheers and applause]

Speaker 1: Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much. I am so thrilled to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] Hands down the most anticipated finale of this weekend. You know, I’ve hosted this show a few times now. And what I’ve learned is that these monologues, they should be a little funny, but they should also be heartfelt, sort of like a best man’s speech at a wedding. And well, tonight I would like to be your best man. So could we maybe get some champagne out here, something warm and flat?

[Two tall waiters come in, one hands over Paul a glass of champagne and the other puts a rose on his suit]

Thank you. Hello. Wow. Goodness. They’re tall. When I officially first met SNL in 2008, I was like, this guy is crazy. You were doing sketches about some guy named Barack. I hadn’t done a marvel movie yet so I was still treating people pretty well. Times have changed. Not a lot of people know this, but you and I, we used to kind of make out. I think we have some pictures of that.

[Cut to pictures of Paul Rudd’s kisses on SNL]

There wer are. Oh, man, were we nuts.

[Cut to Paul Rudd on stage]

SNL, you used to be a real dirty dog. I think like a thousand people have been on you. I know that sounds gross but hey, it was the ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s, and whatever this is. True story. I was actually right outside of this building on the night of the very first episode of SNL in 1975. I remember, because I had just turned 30. And I was working as a vomit boy at the studio 54. I thought, this isn’t for me. I thought I would be cleaning up vomit, but I was way off. So, I walked out. I started running. I found myself under a beautiful sign that said NBC. Out walked a guy who called himself Lorne. I went right up to him and I said, “Sir, one day I’ll be hosting your show.” And he said, “Guards, do your worst.” Funny how life works. After all of these years I knew we’d always be here for each other. Whenever you needed a host, and I needed to promote a movie. Now I’m just so honored to be hosting the finale of season 44. So hey, cheers to you. We’ve got a great show, DJ Khaled is here with like 200 friends. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause]

Don Cheadle Monologue | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with SNL intro]

Announcer: [Band is playing the music] Ladies and gentlemen, Don Cheadle.

[Don Cheadle gets in the door. He runs to the stage and dances.]

Don Cheadle: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here. I entered ‘The Avengers Host SNL’ Raffle, and I won! [Cheers and applause] So this is my first time hosting, and I think I waited this long, because I’m a little O.C.D. about my projects. I was in the movie ‘Traffic’. Then I was in ‘Rush Hour’. Then I was in ‘Crash’. So that had to be in the right order.[Laughter] I’ve been in show business for over 30 years and a lot of people know me. And a whole lot of people, you know, they sort of know me. I get was I called ‘Percussive recognition’. People are like – [Acting as if he’s trying to get the person’s name, snapping fingers] “oh, you’re, um—um—’ , you know, the longer it goes on, it kind of turns into a Tito Puente thing like—[Act of Tito Puente, snapping fingers] [Laughter]. But when you’ve played as many characters as I have, you’ve got fans from a lot of different things. It’s gotten to the point where I know what people recognize me from based on the face they make when they walk up. You know if I get a dude with a face like— [Face expression as if being proud] I know it’s ‘Boogie Nights’. If I get this – [Joining hands and crying face expression] that’s ‘Hotel Rwanda’ face. And if I get this – [Face expression as if being shocked] well, that’s the face of a true fan who realizes he’s about to meet ice tray from the ‘Homeboy, Sweet Homeboy’ episode of ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. ! [Cheers and applause]

And really, look, I love any fan who wants to meet me. Especially the people from New York city. I love New Yorkers, because they are direct. Most places, it’s “Hey, can I take a picture?” But in New York it’s like, “Yo, man, let’s get this pic dawg”. [Laughter] And you know they’re not gonna stop with just one. We got three options. We gotta get the goofy one, and we gotta get the serious one, and then all of a sudden I’m taking a picture of just them. [Laughter] I’m not even in it thing. I’m always happy to take a picture. The key is, if you got to wait for the proper  because—

[Leslie Jones joins Don Cheadle]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! That’s all I need to hear, baby. Yeah! Let’s get this thing man. [Leslie starts getting selfies with Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: I’m kind of in the middle of my monologue right now.

Leslie Jones: Oh, we getting this pic. Say ‘Rwanda Forever’.

Don Cheadle: All right. Rwanda Forever.

Leslie Jones: Now take a picture of me [Leslie passes her phone to Don] and make it look like I ain’t looking.

Don Cheadle: I got you. I got you. [Leslie poses] We’re good.

Leslie Jones: Oh my god. Thank, Don! We gotta have a great show tonight. It’s Don Cheadle is here!

Don Cheadle: Hey, Gary Clark Jr.! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

[Ends with Leslie and Don taking more selfies]

James McAvoy Monologue | Season 44 Episode 11

[Starts with monologue intro of the SNL stage]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen. James McAvoy.

[James walks in the door and front to the stage, he is wearing a kilt]

James McAvoy: Thank you. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I am James McAvoy and I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] I’m in the same building as Steve Martin and it truly makes me feel like I’ve made it. I don’t know, some of the more eagle eyed may have noticed I’m wearing a kilt. It’s not a skirt, it’s a kilt. And it’s actually very masculine. It’s here to signify our family, and I wear it because my calves are shredded. Plus I’m Scottish. In our country or in this country even, people seem to recognize me from movies like “Star Wars”, like “Christopher Robin”and “Trainspotting”. But those people would be wrong. Because that’s Ewan McGregor. He’s the other Scottish actor. I think it’s actually easy to tell us apart. My eyes are blue. And he’s got more money than me. This might be the first time you heard my native accident. Because in most of my movies my accident is either English crumpet or American hot dog. I’m actually very proud to be from Scotland. For anybody who’s not familiar with my homeland, I thought I’d give you a quick little primer. Scotland is a part of Great Britain, located north of the wall. That’s where the original wildlings came from. Lots of great inventors are from Scotland. The telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, Scottish. The television invented by John Yoeg By Bear, Scottish. And the deep fried mars bar invented by Wee Patrick from down the road who is stoned out of his nut, Scottish. I hope you all have learned something about my beloved Scotland. And before—yeah, I totally lost my place. Thanks very much. Messing up gets a laugh. Thank you. I’ll be doing that all night. And for anybody who’s watching back home, go to bed, it’s six in the morning. We have a brilliant show for you lined up. [Cheers and applause] Meek Mill is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Jason Mamoa Mo-Monologue | Season 44 Episode 8

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Momoa.

[Jason Momoa comes in the stage from the door. He walks in, jumps on the stage. He is bare feet.

Jason Momoa: Thank you very much, thank you very much. I’m so muscular to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”, huge! It’s such an honor to be on this stage. If you don’t know, I am an ‘SNL’ super nerd, dork. I’ve been watching this my whole entire life. [Applause and cheers]

And there was a time when I actually wanted to quick acting, I wanted to move to New York and try to get cast on ‘SNL’. Fortunately, I got sidetracked by a massively successful career, and I’m playing “Aquaman”. [Applause and cheers]

But now I’m here! And I’m hosting. I mean, this is probably one of the greatest moments of my life, right after having beautiful kids and marrying my red hot smoking wife, Lisa Bonet. Come on, Jase, hold it together. If you cry, it will rain in Hawaii. You know what, if it’s okay, I’m just going to take a second, savor this moment. Eli, if you can play that song I wrote.

[The back of the stage where the band play gets dark. Jason sits down on his knee and smiles as the band plays this song]

“This is my moment, I’m taking into
This is m moment, I’m the strongest man in the world”

[Jason stands]

Okay, great. Thanks, bud. This weekend has been amazing. I was so nervous to meet the cast. But for some reason, they’ve been asking, you know, they’re a little weird.

[Aidy Bryant comes in the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Oh hi, Jason!

Jason Momoa: Hi, Aidy.

Aidy Bryant: Would you mind opening this jar while looking at me directly in the eyes?

Jason Momoa: Sure.

[Jason opens the jar looking at Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, that’s going to be a big thing. I love you, best day of my life. Thanks you. Bye.

[Kenan Thompson, Leslie Jones and Chris Redd comes to the stage dressed up funky]

Leslie Jones: Alright. We got to impress.

Jason Momoa: Oh, wow, you guys look crazy. Is this for a sketch?

Leslie Jones: I’ll get to that. Let me ask you something, does “Aquaman” have a theme song?

Jason Momoa: I mean, not really. There’s music in the movie but it’s not really a theme.

Leslie Jones: Okay. Alright.

Kenan Thompson: Cool, cool.

Leslie Jones: We had an idea. You ever heard of “Aqua Boogie’ by Parliament Funkadelic?

Jason Momoa: Not really.

Chris Redd: You know, like George Clinton? P-Funk?

Jason Momoa: Nope.

Kenan Thompson: Aqua Boogie, from the 1978 album “Motor Booty Affair”?

Jason Momoa: Sorry, I never heard of it.

Chris Redd, Leslie Jones and Kenan Thompson: What? [Acting surprised]

Leslie Jones: It’s perfect for “Aquaman”. Check this out.

[Band starts playing music.Chris Redd, Leslie Jones and Kenan Thompson start dancing and singing]

Aqua boogie baby,
Never learned to swim

Underwater boogie baby,
Can’t catch the rhythm of the stroke

Aqua boogie baby,
Why should I hold my breath

Underwater boogie baby,
Feelin’ that I might choke

Jason Momoa: Whao, hold on, hold on.

Leslie Jones: So, what did you think of that, man?

Jason Momoa: Well, I mean it’s a cool song but did you just say never learnt how to swim?

Leslie Jones: I did. I sure did.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, that’s how the song goes. You can check the lyrics if you need to.

Jason Momoa: So it’s a song about someone who can’t swim?

Leslie Jones: Absolutely.

Kenan Thompson: No doubt. No doubt.

Jason Momoa: Well, I’m Aquaman. His whole thing is he can swim really well.

Chris Redd, Leslie Jones and Kenan Thompson: Oh! [Realizing about the movie theme]

Leslie Jones: Yeah man, but this is about the feeling man! You got to give it a try. You know what I’m saying? Just read what’s on the cue card!

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, come on, man.

Leslie Jones: Come on, man.

Jason Momoa: Okay.

Kenan Thompson:  Put that glass in, dog.

Psycho alpha disco beta bio aqua do loop

Jason Momoa: The motion picture’s underwater, starring most of you-loops

Everybody: Aqua boogie baby,
Never learned to swim

Underwater boogie baby,
Can’t catch the rhythm of the stroke

Aqua boogie baby,

Jason Momoa: Why should I hold my breath

Everybody: Underwater boogie baby,
Feelin’ that I might choke

Psycho alpha disco beta bio aqua do loop

Jason Momoa: We got a great show for you tonight! Mumford and Sons is here. Stick around, man, we’ll be right back.

Claire Foy | Season 44 Episode 7

[Band playing music on Saturday Night Live stage]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen—Claire Foy.

[The door opens. Claire Foy walks to the stage.][Cut to audience cheering][Cut to Claire Foy]

Claire Foy: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s such an honor to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Or as we call it in England, Sunday Morning. It’s wonderful to be here in New York because England is in little bit of a crisis with the whole Brexit thing. But how are things going here, they’re good?

It’s actually a relief to be in a country that is more chaotic than Britain. It’s sort of like when you’re at a party and you’re drunk and you see someone who’s much drunker than you are. I feel so lucky to be here, I really do. Especially since I’m not from here. I am a foreigner. And I know, but please don’t panic, I promise I’m only here taking the jobs that Americans don’t want. For example in the film I did “First Man” I had to play Ryan Gosling’s wife. Because nobody else wanted to do it so I had to.

Most people know me from my role in “The crown”, as Queen Elizabeth II. [Cheers and applause] One of the questions-– one of the questions I get asked the most is whether I have ever actually met the queen. And the truth is, I have. This is a real story. I was invited to an event at Buckingham palace, the real one. And I was waiting in line to meet the queen. And a million questions are running through my mind. What will the queen say to me? How will I respond? And then it happened, I shook the queen’s hand and she smiled at me and she said, absolutely nothing about “The crown”. Not a single word. Of course, this was three years before I did “The crown”, but still.

I have been fortunate to portray many strong women of history, and I’m so glad we have even more women getting involved in politics, even more women getting elected and even more women leading our countries. [Cheers and applause] So hopefully I can get even more roles. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Anderson Paak is here. So stick around. Because we’ll be right back!

Jonah Hill Five-Timers Monologue | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Jonah Hill

…..Tina Fey

…..Drew Barrymore

…..Candice Bergen

…..Kenan Thompson

[ The SNL main stage where the house band is playing. ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

[ Jonah Hill walks out to center stage. ]

Jonah: Hey. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be back here at Saturday Night Live hosting for more my fifth time. That’s right. TOnight I am joining the five-timers club among SNL royalty, like, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Justin Timberlake. I mean this has been a dream of mine since the fourth time I hosted. But I am honestly looking forward to getting the five-timers jacket. Maybe there’s matching pants, I don’t know.

[ Tina Fey walks onto stage. ]

Tina Fey: Hey Jonah! [ They greet with a hug and cheek kisses. ] Okay. It’s a big night. Wow, you look so nice. Don’t mind me. Was it hard walking down here in your heels? No, just me? Anyway, welcome to the Five-Timers Club.

Jonah: Oh my God, thank you fellow five-timer.

Tina Fey: Ahh, don’t say it, just be it. And listen when we get to the five-timers lounge, just, be cool.

Jonah: Oh my God, we’re going to the five-timers lounge?

Tina Fey: Jonah! [ She motions for him to take it down a notch. ]

Jonah: Right, sorry. Let’s go. You got it. [ They walk off stage together. ] [ Cut to a door that says ‘Five Timers Club’ on it. ] [ Jonah and Tina Fey walk through the door into the lounge. ]

Tina Fey: Alright, Jonah. Here it is, the Five-Timers Club.

[ Drew Barrymore and Candice Bergen are waiting in the lounge wearing Five-Timers blazers like the one Tina Fey has on. ]

Jonah: Wow, Drew Barrymore, Candice Bergen, I can’t believe it. Amazing.

Drew Barrymore: You get your butt in here, Jonah.

Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club, Seth.

Jonah: Oh no, I’m not Seth Rogen. No, I’m actually Jonah Hill.

Candice: And that’s not the same guy?

Jonah: Ha, ha. Hazing the new guy. I know you’re very familiar with my work, Candy.

Candice: Sure.

Jonah: So it’s, uh, kind of a light turn-out is it? Ladies night or something?

Drew: What do you mean?

Jonah: No, I…I was just, like, wondering where, where all the men are?

Tina: Oh the guys? Oh they’re not allowed in right now ‘cause it turns out they’re all a bunch of horny perverts. Time’s up on that.

Drew: Yeah, we have to be very careful about which famous men we let in here.

Jonah: You’re kidding, yeah?

Drew: It’s like Tom Hanks, Woody from Toy Story. [ She imitates Woody. ] “There’s a snake in my boot.” Yeah, I think we all know what that means.

Tina: And Steve Martin was always like, ‘Mind if I play the banjo?’ And then he would just like start playing. Like, no consent.

Candice: And Justin Timberlake ripped a lady’s top off at the Super Bowl. I mean, did anybody else see that?

Jonah: Bummer. Hey, this is still great. This is still good.

Drew: Alright, let’s get this party started. Do you wants something to drink?

Candice: Oh, hey. Uh, or smoke?

Jonah: No, I’m good. I’m about to host. I want to stay sharp for the show.

Candice: Ha ha. Cool, nerd. Uh, last time I hosted, I was blacked out. Oh speaking of which, I need a refill. Uh, can I get another Pete Davidson, please.

Jonah: What’s a Pete Davidson?

Candice: Well, all I know is it’s got a lot going on but it gets the job done.

[ Kenan Thompson walks out holding a drink. ]

Kenan: Here you go Candy.

Candice: Thanks, Kenan.

Jonah: Wait, Kenan, they let you in here sometimes?

Kenan: Ha, yeah man, this is my show. I let you in here sometimes. [ He takes Candice’s empty glass and walks off stage. ]

Drew: Alright, Jonah, in honor of you we all chose our favorite sketch of yours. [ She grabs a remote and points it at the TV. ] [ Cut to a sketch between Jonah and Cecily Strong. ]

Jonah (sketch): Okay, okay, okay. I did it. I clogged the toilet and then later in the day, I went on top of the clog.

Jonah: I did more than just bathroom humor.

Candice: But that’s where you shined.

Jonah: You guys are so fun. I am so excited. I just want a jacket right now.

Drew: Wait, you wanna do what?

Jonah: No, no! I want a jacket. A jack-et. A Five-Timers Jack-et!

Tina: Jonah, you gotta be careful. Alright, let’s get this guy a jacket.

Candice: Uh, Kenan! [ Kenan walks back on stage with a Five-Timers jacket. ]

Drew: And you’re in luck, because, uh. We just came up with a brand new design this year. [ Kenan removes Jonah’s jacket and puts the new jacket on Jonah. ]

Jonah: Oh wow. [ The jacket is like the others but with a lot more sequins. ]

Tina: Yes, yes. [ She helps Jonah button the jacket. ] It’s official. Let’s make it official.

Jonah: Is this, is this like a women’s jacket?

Tina: Any jacket can be a women’s jacket. It’s 2018. Okay? Plus, it looks really cute on you.

Jonah: Is it like flattering?

Drew: Are you kidding? You’re crushing it.

Candice: I’d hit that.

Jonah: Wow, thank you, Candy. I’m truly excited. We got a great show for you here tonight. Maggie Rogers is here. Just stick around and we’ll be right back.

Awkwafina Monologue | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Awkwafina

[Starting the show on the stage with a band playing music]

Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, Awkwafina.

[Awkwwafina walks out onto the stage in front of the SNL band and waves to the audience]

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina] Thank you. Thank you. I’m so stoked to be hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is Awkwafina. Thank you, guys.

Yeah, I was going to come out dressed like a water bottle, but apparently, someone did that last week. Just right out at the top, I want to say Hi to my grandma, “Hi Grandma,” who’s watching at home in Queens. She thinks the show is called “Comedy Central.” so she might definitely be watching  a rerun of “Tosh Point.O” right now. Grandma, but either way I love you and this one is for you.

It’s been a really cool year for me. I was in a movie called “Crazy Rich Asians.” [Crowd cheers and applauds for Awkwafina]

Yes, and if you don’t know me, I’m just your average Asian trumpet player turned rapper turned actress, very stereotypical. But people still make all these assumptions about me. Like for example, some of my friends are like, “Oh, your movie is out dude. You must be loaded”, which is not true. I am not a crazy rich Asian. I’m more like a ‘rebuilding my credit’ Asian. [Crowd laughs] I’m not buying private jets. I’m splashing out on economy plus with a light room. So it’s like an extra appetizer red lobster. You know? Like, I buy my underwear in packs of 12 at CVS. That’s me. Thank you. That was a- I love that underwear pack joke.

I’m actually from New York. I grew up in Queens. [Crowd cheers] Whoo! Queens. My dad still lives there. My dad! People assume my dad has an accent and he does. He sounds like Donald Trump because they’re both old guys from Queens. So whenever I go home, he’s like, “Sweetie, I love you so much. Never forget, your family is from China”. Very rattling. Thank you. [Crowd laughs]

Very unsettling. No, but before we start, I just want to say, and this is a true story, back in 2000 I came here to 30 rock and waited outside when my idol Lucy Liu hosted SNL. I was a kid. Yes. I was a kid, and I didn’t have a ticket, so I knew I wasn’t getting in. But I just wanted to be near the building. And I remember how important that episode was for me and how it totally changed what I thought was possible for an Asian-American woman. Standing here tonight is a dream I never thought would come true. So thank you, Lucy, for opening the door. I wasn’t able to make it in the building back then, but 18 years later I am hosting the show. [Crowd cheers and applauds for Awkwafina] So I love you, Lucy. I love you, Lucy Liu, be my friend. We got a great show, Travis Scott is here. Stick around; we’ll be right back.

Seth Meyers Monologue: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Seth Meyers

[ Camera pans to the SNL stage where the house band is playing the theme music. ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Seth Meyers.

[ Seth walks onto the stage smiling and claps along with the audience. ]

Seth Meyers: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, everyone. It is so exciting to be back at SNL. I worked at this show for over 12 years. I loved it. I love being here. Leaving it was incredibly hard. I cried on my last show and then for real took a job down the hall. The Late Night studio is 100 yards that way. I had an emotional breakdown and then basically moved from Rachel and Monica’s apartment to Joey and Chandler’s apartment, which was very emotional or Rachel. So there is precedent. But this place still means so much to me because so many people who worked here are my dear friends.

There were over 100 people at my wedding from this show. I love them all so much. I love Andy Samberg so much, I named my two boys, Dick and Box. And surprisingly, Box is the troublemaker. Dick is a little gentleman. This place makes memories flood back, For example, the cold open was about Donald Trump and Kanye West. I was here when DOnald Trump hosted in 2004. He played my father in a sketch. Let’s take a look.

[ Cut to an image of Seth Meyers sitting on a couch with Donald Trump during a sketch from 2004. ]

Seth Meyers: There you go. Most people who have pictures of themselves with Presidents, get them framed. I did not. And then Kanye. So, a lot of people are surprised that Kanye supports Donald Trump. But I am not, because I have met Kanye. And I am incapable of being surprised by him.

Here is a true story about Kanye West. And let me preface it by saying that I am a huge Kanye West fan. When I was here, no one did more memorable performances than Kanye West. One time, he was the musical guest but we heard that he wanted to do a sketch. So we pitched him a sketch where he would interrupt different award show speeches saying that he made a mistake and he should have won. And Kanye said that’s hilarious because I do that. Which is good self awareness. And so we did the sketch. We had Kanye interrupt the Kids Choice Awards, the Nobel Prize. He interrupted a State Fair because he was upset his pumpkin didn’t win. Fantastic, a great experience.

But here’s the thing. Here’s the reason I will never be surprised by Kanye West. That sketch was in 2007 and he interrupted Taylor Swift in 2009. That whole time I was telling you that story, you thought it was based on him interrupting Taylor Swift. That hadn’t happened yet. Kanye did a sketch about how crazy it was he interrupted speeches, and then two years later he was at an award show and thought, ‘I should do it again’. So when people say are your surprised that Kanye supports Trump, I say ‘No.’ And, look, I don’t usually get to say this, but my first five years were so hard. I was trying to fit it and I was always worried I wouldn’t make it. Five years of constant terror. And that is the truth.

And after that, I got Weekend Update with Amy Poehler. And I sat at a desk that was placed right here on this stage. And I was lucky enough to be head writer. And after that, I was happy every single second that I spent here. And now that I am back, so is the terror. But also the joy. So thank you so much for letting me do this. It’s an honor. We got a great show. Paul Simon is here tonight, everybody! So stick around, and w’ll be right back!