Tag: Monologue

Monologue Bill Hader Sings With Kristen Wiig And Harvey Fierstein

Bill Hader

Kristen Wiig

Harvey Fierstein

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[the band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hader.

[Bill Hader walks in and to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Bill Hader: Wow!Thank you, thank you, thank you! So excited to get here hosting Saturday Night Live. What? Oh! I am so nervous. [audience laughing] It’s not a joke. I am so nervous.

A girl in the audience: I love you!

Bill Hader: I love you.

[audience cheering]

Never ever supposed to be on Saturday Night Live. I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma like an idiot in some book. [audience laughing] Bill Hader0 years ago, I was working as an assistant editor on Iron Chef America, doing a comedy show in a backyard in Los Angeles. And Megan Maloney saw me and called Lorne Michaels and he came to see me, here I am. It’s crazy.

[cheers and applause]

You know what? Despite all the years in this show and all the movies, I still get up every morning and I go into work on Iron Chef. [audience laughing] Who I am?

I have a new film out right now called ‘The Skeleton Twins’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. With Ms. Kristen Wiig. It’s a spectacular Halloween remake of the classic film ‘Twins’. [audience laughing] You’re very surprised by the good reviews. You know, when I was on this show, I was known for doing impressions. I did Clint Eastwood, Vincent Price, Alan Alda. Basically, I could do anyone over 80. But one thing I never did here was sing because my singing voice is not for everyone. It’s very low. Kind of like Harvey Fierstein. [audience laughing] Yeah! And even though I always dreamed of singing on this show, I’m not gonna put you through that. Okay, don’t worry about it.

[Kristen Wiif walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen! Kristen! I told you to stay back stage.

Kristen Wiig: I don’t recall that. Look, I’m here to help you, Bill. It is your dream to sing on SNL and you’re gonna do it.

Bill Hader: I can’t

Kristen Wiig: Of course, you can.

Bill Hader: Uh! Don’t make me sing.

[music starts playing]

Kristen Wiig: You have to. You have to, because I wrote this song. And if you don’t sing it, I don’t get paid. And I need the money, because I just bought a pantine boat.

Bill Hader: Don’t you mean a pontoon boat?

Kristen Wiig: No, it’s a Pantine boat. I only wash my hair on it. Listen to me.

[singing]

I know you can sing it

go ahead and wing it

they are gonna love it

Bill Hader: No, but Kristen, it’s not that easy. You can do anything!

Kristen Wiig: I know. [audience laughing] Actually, that’s not true. I can’t play the saxophone, but most everything else. Bill, come on, don’t be scared.

[drums roll]

Kristen Wiig: #HaderSinging, it’s already trending

now you have to do it

tonight’s your night

you’re gonna wild the crowd

Bill Hader: Really? [Bill Hader starts rocking his body]

Kristen Wiig: No fear, coz I’m here

so Bill just sing it loud

Bill Hader:[singing horribly] Thank you Kristen Wiig

thank you for talking me into this

this is a dream come true [audience laughing]

I’m really killing this.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, stop, stop.

[cheers and applause]

With love, yikes! That was really, really bad. I love you, but don’t ever do that again to television.

Harvey Fierstein: Don’t listen to her! Don’t listen to her!

[Harvey Fierstein walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig: Harvey Fierstein? What are you doing here?

Harvey Fierstein: I am here saving the day, dammit! Kristen, can I have a second alone with Bill?

Kristen Wiig: I just got here.

Harvey Fierstein: There’s saxophone back stage.

Kristen Wiig: There better be!

[Kristen Wiig walks away]

Harvey Fierstein: Billy, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. You can’t sing from your head. You gotta sing from your heart. [pointing at Bill’s penis] Sorry! You gotta sing. You gotta listen to me sing, just like me.

Bill Hader: Just like you?

Harvey Fierstein: Exactly.

[drums roll and music starts]

Harvey Fierstein: Now, let your voice be heard

Bill Hader: I’m singing like a bird

Harvey Fierstein: Look, how you did it

[Kristen Wiig walks in playing a saxophone]

Bill Hader: Tonight’s my night

Harvey Fierstein: Damn right, tonight’s your night.

Kristen Wiig: It’s your show, so let’s go

Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein: Coz it’s Saturday, oh yeah! It’s Saturday night!

Bill Hader: Yeah! We got a great show for you tonight. Hozier is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein are dancing on the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Sarah Silverman Monologue

Sarah Silverman

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[The band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Silverman.

[Sarah Silverman walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Sarah Silverman: Wow! Thank you so much. Wow, it is so crazy to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I mean, is it really crazy? Everybody always says it’s so crazy to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I’m a pretty big comedian, kind of makes all the sense in the world.

Tonight is the end of the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. [slight claps from the audience.] And, um– Thank you. [audience laughing] And I just want to take this opportunity to say to all the Hasidic Jews out there, I promise you, god will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in this summer. You are being ridiculous.

Anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, I guess I’m knows as a bit of blue comedian which is– I find that annoying. It kind of bothers me. I don’t think of myself that way. I think of myself more as an important comedian. Anyway, because of this, they had to censor a lot of my jokes after dress rehearsal. Like, um, here’s what’s left of my favorite joke. Can we get a shot of Walley?

[Cut to Walley carrying the cue card. All the script is censored except ‘Black guy’ and ‘God’s mouth’.]

It’s all that’s left.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Guys, it was such a cute joke. It was totally innocuous. I saw Lorne laughing really hard at it during dress, like almost too hard at it. Screw it. Can I just, um– Is there like a hand held mic? Can I just– Oh! Thank you.

[Sarah Silverman walks down the stage to the audience]

Let’s get real. Come on. This is live television. [cheers and applause] Let’s go among the people.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman with the audience]

Who are you? Can I sit on your lap?

[Sarah Silverman sits on a random woman’s lap]

Oh! This feels nice.

What is your name?

Lindsay: It’s Lindsay.

Sarah Silverman: Lindsay? Um, I’m Sarah. I guess you know that. Lindsay, I wanna tell you something, it’s really important. You’re beautiful. And you deserve love. And I hope that you are as kind to yourself as you are to any shmo on the street. And I love you.

Lindsay: Thank you.

Sarah Silverman: Your turn. [audience laughing]

[Lindsay is laughing]

Lindsay: You’re amazing. And you’re beautiful. And you’re smart.

Sarah Silverman: Keep going. Be creative.  [audience laughing]

Lindsay: You’re my favorite.

Sarah Silverman: You know what it is, Lindsay? It’s like, I get sad sometimes. I feel like, it’s over– in terms of like, we’re never gonna get carried again. You know what I mean? We’re grown ups. We’re not gonna, you know, fall asleep at our parent’s party and overhear adults going like, [whispering] “I got her. No, I’ll take her.” It’s never gonna happen again. And it makes me sad. It’s just like, I wanna be carried. I wanna be bathed and cared for. I wanna get my hair shampooed. You know, like a little child, or a princess, or a quadriplegic I guess. [audience laughing] Very similar lifestyles, very different circumstances. Am I sitting on your phone?

[Sarah Silverman looks at Lindsay’s lap]

Lindsay: No, you’re good.

Sarah Silverman: Oh! [audience laughing] I wanna think of an app. Wouldn’t it be great to think of that million dollar app? Let’s think of that million dollar app. God! I was thinking like an hour ago. It’s like, “Wouldn’t it be great if you had an app that told you and all your friends were making a duty.” And I was pretty excited about it. I would pay 99 cents for that. But then, somebody told me that they have that. I think it’s called ‘Words With Friends’. How old are you?

Lindsay: 32.

Sarah Silverman: You are? Oh, you’re 32. You’re only little. You don’t know nothing. Here’s some advice. If you’re ever drunk at a party and you throw up at a party, I feel like you can save the moment if you can muster like a, “Tadaa!” [audience laughing]

Alright, I guess I should go back to the stage. You keep this. [Sarah Silverman gives her the mic and walks to the stage] You can have that.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, god! This feels so right. I mean, it’s live. I could stay here. I love this stage. I mean this is the first time I’ve hosted but I have been on this stage before. I was like a featured performer on this show in the 90s. I wasn’t in much, but I– A lot of times it’d mostly be like, a plant in the audience asking fake questions to the host during the monologue. And, um– Oh! Yes, you have a question.

[Cut to old clip of Sarah Silverman when she was young in SNL show in the audience]

The girl: I think you’re great. I love you.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Oh! [audience laughing] I love you more. You have a question for me cutie?

[Cut to the girl]

The girl: Are you gonna be doing a solo albums now that you’ve left Wilson Phillips?

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Great question. You know, I left Wilson Phillips because I felt like it wasn’t really my thing anymore and I’m not sure about a solo album. Though, the album of my stand up special “We Are Miracles” is out now. [cheers and applause] Oh, yes you! [pointing at the audience]

[Cut to another old clip of Sarah Silverman when she was young in SNL show in the audience]

The girl: Yeah, what did you feed the dinosaurs?

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Uh, what is this? Pretty girl in the audience night? This is crazy. Of course, the stegosaurus is a herbivorous. So, they eat mostly plants but the T-rexes are carnivorous. They’d be more inclined to eat you because you’re delicious. [audience laughing] Let’s take a– yes! You, sparkled face over here.

[Cut to another old clip of Sarah Silverman when she was young in SNL show in the audience]

The girl: Yeah, um, what makes the human knee bend?

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Okay, um, well the knee is technically a joint where the tibia in the femur meat, right? And the bending of the joint is aided by two menisci. I hope that helped and I hope you stay this curious and strong for the next 20 years. [audience laughing] I’m feeling that you will. And maybe someday you’ll even get to say, “We have got a great show for you tonight. All of Maroon 5 is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Monologue Chris Pratt Sings About Himself

Chris Pratt

Anna Faris

[Starts SNL monologue intro]

[The band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Pratt.

[Chris Pratt walks in and to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]
Chris Pratt: Wow! Woo-hoo! Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I am so pumped to be here hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Ah! This is SNL’s 40th anniversary. I have always felt such a connection to this show. A lot of that is because when I dropped out of college and moved to Hawaii, I literally lived in a van down by the river. Yeah. Oh! This summer, I was in this great movie called Guardians of the Galaxy [cheers and applause] for which I lost 60 pounds. I found this great diet. It’s called the, “Hey fat ass, get into shape so you can be in my movie” diet. [audience laughing] It actually really works. I recommend it.

Anyways, [laughing] you know, I was so excited to be here tonight. [Chris Pratt gets a guitar] I actually wrote a song. [cheers and applause] Yes, thank you. I know that I’m not half the singer that Ariana Grande is but I am technically three times her body weight. So, the math works out. Again, like I said, I didn’t go to college. Here’s a little song I wrote about me.

[playing guitar]

Good lord, I’m hosting SNL
and so far it’s going pretty well
I’ve only sang two sentences
so it’s probably too soon to tell
In four years, I had lot of shows
and I joined a lit of some amazing hosts
some of them did not do well
hopefully I’m not one of those
home’s where the heart is and mine’s right here
it belongs to the hottie in the audience there

[Cut to Anna Faris in the audience getting shy]

Her name’s Anna Faris, she’s hosted twice
we had sex and a baby popped out

[audience laughing]

It’s true. Do you remember that?

[Cut to Anna Faris]

Anna Faris: [speaking in moaning voice] Oh, yeah!

[Cut to Chris Pratt]

Chris Pratt: It was really sexy birth.

I’ve gone from skinny to fat back to skinny back to fat
probably gonna die if I don’t stop that
but all my tombstones are gonna read Chris Pratt
he hosted SNL
it’s been a damn good year, it’s a damn good show
have I slept in 40 hours, the answer’s no
buckle up, you better hold on tight,
It’s live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you. Ariana Grande is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Scarlett Johansson Holiday Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Tweezel… Aidy Bryant

Nick Fury… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[band is playing music]

[Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johannson: Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be back hosting SNL for the sixth time. You know, the sixth time is even more exciting than the fifth because you’re not worried anymore. I mean, if the show is bad, what are they going to do? Fire my fiance? Oh, no, what will we do without his pay check? I’m also so happy to be here because it’s Christmas time. And I don’t know about you but I still believe in the magic of Christmas.

Tweezel: Well, that’s good to hear, Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, my god, it’s Tweezel! My old elf on the shelf.

Speaker 2: That’s right. It’s me and I hear you’ve been a very good girl this year.

Scarlett Johannson: Well, I certainly tried my best. That’s for sure.

Speaker 2: I’m sure Santa would want to—

[Tweezel slowly turns to dust]

Well—what is this?

Scarlett Johannson: Aidy! Your arm!

Speaker 2: Hey, hey—what the hell is happening?

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, no, Thanos. From “The Avengers” movie I was in. Not the last one. The one before that.

[Cut to Alex Moffat, Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd backstage]

Alex Moffat: No, no! [Alex turns to dust]

Chris Redd: Oh, my god. Mikey.

Ego Nwodim: I thought that was Alex.

ChrisReddRedd: It’s the same damn thing.

[Cut to 1]

Scarlett Johannson: My god! Am I gonna have to save everyone? I left my Black Widow costume in my car.

[Beck Bennet walks in]

Beck Bennett: Scarlett, what is this happening?

Scarlett Johannson: I think Thanos may have somehow returned and found the infinity stone.

Beck Bennet: No, I meant this monologue. This doesn’t seem super top call right? This is like the back-up monologue from the last time you hosted or something?

Scarlett Johannson: Okay, hey, Beck, I love you and it’s Christmas, but you just got to get out of here.

[Beck Bennett slowly turns to dust]

Beck Bennett: No. You need me. Who is going to play the dumb idiot?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner back stage]

Heidi Gardner: Cecily, thank god you’re okay. I think Thanos took Pete.

Cecily Strong: No, it’s just one of those weeks when Pete doesn’t show up.

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god! Look at Bowen.

[Cut to Bowen Yang turning to dust]

Bowen Yang: Wow, first Asian cast member. Now you’re dusting me? Twitter’s gonna eat you alive.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johannson: Bowen too? I have to stop this.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Ah! Michael! Oh, thank god you’re safe. But if you’re here, that must mean that Colin is—

[Colin Jost walks in]

Colin Jost: Hey. Don’t worry. I’m safe.

Scarlett Johannson: Hi, hey. What’s up?

Colin Jost: Well, I thought you’d be more, like, relieved to see me.

Scarlett Johannson: No, I am. No, it’s great.

Colin Jost: It just doesn’t feel great.

Michael Che: Well, I’m just going to head out.

[Michael Che leaves]

Scarlett Johannson: I’m sorry. It’s just, like, I’m focused on Thanos right now.

Colin Jost: Yes! Totally. I got to update stuffs anyway. It’s like saving the world too. Just on a smaller level.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Nick Fury: Natasha! If you gonna stop Thanos, you gonna need my help.

Scarlett Johannson: Sam Jackson, I mean, wait, what’s your name in the movie again?

Colin Jost: Nick Fury from S.H.I.E.L.D. Did you now watch the movies? [Scarlett Johansson is staring at Colin Jost] I’m just going to get out of here.

Scarlett Johannson: Why is Thanos doing this?

Nick Fury: It’s not Thanos this time. Somebody else has got Thanos’s glove.

[Cut to Pete Davidson playing with Thanos’s gauntlet on.

Pete Davidson: Yo, man! This is insane. I have to stop getting high and buying things on ebay. Half the people disappears. Sick, right?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Pete Davidson]

Kyle Mooney: So sick! And hey, thanks for getting rid of Beck for me.

Pete Davidson: Oh, no problem dude.

[Scarlett Johansson and Nick Fury walk in]

Scarlett Johannson: Pete, you have to stop this at once. Where did they all disappear to?

Pete Davidson: Peacock. It’s NBC’s new streaming service.[Cut to Peacock video bumper.] Peacock. Comedy starts here.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Scarlett Johansson and Pete Davidson]

Scarlett Johannson: Can you please bring him back? Please Pete? Just for Christmas?

Nick Fury: Please, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay, fine. I’ll bring them back.

Scarlett Johannson: No, Pete, you gotta snap it.

Pete Davidson: Oh. Okay. I didn’t see the movie.

Scarlett Johannson: Okay. Merry Christmas, Pete!

Pete Davidson: Oh, thank you. You too.

Nick Fury: So, Pete, taking a few shows off, are you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. You know, when you’ve been here as long as I have, you can do that.

Nick Fury: Really? Well, that’s good to know.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and all the SNL cast members on the stage]
Scarlett Johannson: Well, it’s great to have you all back. I just want to say, this place means so much to me. I have so many friends here, and I met the love of my life here. Merry Christmas. We get a great show. Niall Horan is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Jennifer Lopez’s Unbelievable Year Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jennifer Lopez!

[music playing]

[cheers and applause]

[Jennifer Lopez walks in the door and to the stage]

Jennifer Lopez: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much. I love being in this city this time of the year because of the great New York holiday traditions. Like people lining up to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree, and New Yorkers gently shoving those same people out of the way so they can get to work, yeah. But Christmas is such an important time to me, because it really makes you look back at the past year. And think about all the things you’re thankful for. And some people are like, “That’s not Christmas. That’s thanksgiving.” To them I say, “No. Shut up.” Okay. Because this year I gotta be honest, I have been so blessed. First off, I got what every girl from the Bronx dreams of. Proposed to by a Yankee. I had the biggest movie opening I’ve ever had, that included a lap dance from Cardi B. I went on to a sold out tour. I slayed the MET GALA and that’s not a brag. A doctor diagnosed it on the spot as a fourth degree slay. I’m about to perform in the super bowl halftime show. And I walked the runway in Milan for the first time wearing a dress I wore 20 years ago. Some people said I look better now than I did then. I’m not bragging. That’s just—you know, gossip. What else? Oh, yeah. I had a big birthday. I turned 50.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Beck Bennett sitting with the audience]

Beck Bennett: Did she say she’s 50?

[Beck Bennett’s head blows up like a balloon]

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Wow! That man’s head exploded. I’m sorry. But seriously, what I really want to say to everyone watching out there is that the best is yet to come. People try to write you off. It’s all BS. None of us have a shelf life. I mean, look at me. They tried to count me out so many times. But I’m still here. I’m like a little roach, you know. You think I’m gone for good, maybe you haven’t seen me in a few months, but then you go to get a glass of water in the middle of the night and boom, I’ve got an album. Do you want to sing a little song with me?

[music playing]

[cheers and applause]

You better watch out

you better not cry

you better not pout

I’m telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

he’s making a list

checking it twice

gonna find out

who’s naughty or nice

Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you’re sleeping

he knows when you’re awake

He knows if you’ve been bad or good

so be good for Goodness sake

you better watch out

you better not cry

you better not pout

I’m telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town \

Let me get some rockettes out here?

[rockettes come in and dance with Jennifer Lopez]

Come on! It ain’t Christmas without the rockettes. Whoo!

Santa Claus is coming

Santa Claus is coming

Santa Claus is coming to town

[music stops]

Merry Christmas! We’ve got an amazing show. DaBaby is here! So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Paul Rudd’s Best Man Speech | Monologue | Season 44 Episode 21

Paul Rudd

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[music playing]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

[Paul Rudd walks in the door and up to the stage.]

[Cheers and applause]

Speaker 1: Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much. I am so thrilled to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] Hands down the most anticipated finale of this weekend. You know, I’ve hosted this show a few times now. And what I’ve learned is that these monologues, they should be a little funny, but they should also be heartfelt, sort of like a best man’s speech at a wedding. And well, tonight I would like to be your best man. So could we maybe get some champagne out here, something warm and flat?

[Two tall waiters come in, one hands over Paul a glass of champagne and the other puts a rose on his suit]

Thank you. Hello. Wow. Goodness. They’re tall. When I officially first met SNL in 2008, I was like, this guy is crazy. You were doing sketches about some guy named Barack. I hadn’t done a marvel movie yet so I was still treating people pretty well. Times have changed. Not a lot of people know this, but you and I, we used to kind of make out. I think we have some pictures of that.

[Cut to pictures of Paul Rudd’s kisses on SNL]

There wer are. Oh, man, were we nuts.

[Cut to Paul Rudd on stage]

SNL, you used to be a real dirty dog. I think like a thousand people have been on you. I know that sounds gross but hey, it was the ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s, and whatever this is. True story. I was actually right outside of this building on the night of the very first episode of SNL in 1975. I remember, because I had just turned 30. And I was working as a vomit boy at the studio 54. I thought, this isn’t for me. I thought I would be cleaning up vomit, but I was way off. So, I walked out. I started running. I found myself under a beautiful sign that said NBC. Out walked a guy who called himself Lorne. I went right up to him and I said, “Sir, one day I’ll be hosting your show.” And he said, “Guards, do your worst.” Funny how life works. After all of these years I knew we’d always be here for each other. Whenever you needed a host, and I needed to promote a movie. Now I’m just so honored to be hosting the finale of season 44. So hey, cheers to you. We’ve got a great show, DJ Khaled is here with like 200 friends. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause]

Don Cheadle Monologue | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with SNL intro]

Announcer: [Band is playing the music] Ladies and gentlemen, Don Cheadle.

[Don Cheadle gets in the door. He runs to the stage and dances.]

Don Cheadle: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here. I entered ‘The Avengers Host SNL’ Raffle, and I won! [Cheers and applause] So this is my first time hosting, and I think I waited this long, because I’m a little O.C.D. about my projects. I was in the movie ‘Traffic’. Then I was in ‘Rush Hour’. Then I was in ‘Crash’. So that had to be in the right order.[Laughter] I’ve been in show business for over 30 years and a lot of people know me. And a whole lot of people, you know, they sort of know me. I get was I called ‘Percussive recognition’. People are like – [Acting as if he’s trying to get the person’s name, snapping fingers] “oh, you’re, um—um—’ , you know, the longer it goes on, it kind of turns into a Tito Puente thing like—[Act of Tito Puente, snapping fingers] [Laughter]. But when you’ve played as many characters as I have, you’ve got fans from a lot of different things. It’s gotten to the point where I know what people recognize me from based on the face they make when they walk up. You know if I get a dude with a face like— [Face expression as if being proud] I know it’s ‘Boogie Nights’. If I get this – [Joining hands and crying face expression] that’s ‘Hotel Rwanda’ face. And if I get this – [Face expression as if being shocked] well, that’s the face of a true fan who realizes he’s about to meet ice tray from the ‘Homeboy, Sweet Homeboy’ episode of ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. ! [Cheers and applause]

And really, look, I love any fan who wants to meet me. Especially the people from New York city. I love New Yorkers, because they are direct. Most places, it’s “Hey, can I take a picture?” But in New York it’s like, “Yo, man, let’s get this pic dawg”. [Laughter] And you know they’re not gonna stop with just one. We got three options. We gotta get the goofy one, and we gotta get the serious one, and then all of a sudden I’m taking a picture of just them. [Laughter] I’m not even in it thing. I’m always happy to take a picture. The key is, if you got to wait for the proper  because—

[Leslie Jones joins Don Cheadle]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! That’s all I need to hear, baby. Yeah! Let’s get this thing man. [Leslie starts getting selfies with Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: I’m kind of in the middle of my monologue right now.

Leslie Jones: Oh, we getting this pic. Say ‘Rwanda Forever’.

Don Cheadle: All right. Rwanda Forever.

Leslie Jones: Now take a picture of me [Leslie passes her phone to Don] and make it look like I ain’t looking.

Don Cheadle: I got you. I got you. [Leslie poses] We’re good.

Leslie Jones: Oh my god. Thank, Don! We gotta have a great show tonight. It’s Don Cheadle is here!

Don Cheadle: Hey, Gary Clark Jr.! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

[Ends with Leslie and Don taking more selfies]

James McAvoy Monologue | Season 44 Episode 11

[Starts with monologue intro of the SNL stage]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen. James McAvoy.

[James walks in the door and front to the stage, he is wearing a kilt]

James McAvoy: Thank you. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I am James McAvoy and I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] I’m in the same building as Steve Martin and it truly makes me feel like I’ve made it. I don’t know, some of the more eagle eyed may have noticed I’m wearing a kilt. It’s not a skirt, it’s a kilt. And it’s actually very masculine. It’s here to signify our family, and I wear it because my calves are shredded. Plus I’m Scottish. In our country or in this country even, people seem to recognize me from movies like “Star Wars”, like “Christopher Robin”and “Trainspotting”. But those people would be wrong. Because that’s Ewan McGregor. He’s the other Scottish actor. I think it’s actually easy to tell us apart. My eyes are blue. And he’s got more money than me. This might be the first time you heard my native accident. Because in most of my movies my accident is either English crumpet or American hot dog. I’m actually very proud to be from Scotland. For anybody who’s not familiar with my homeland, I thought I’d give you a quick little primer. Scotland is a part of Great Britain, located north of the wall. That’s where the original wildlings came from. Lots of great inventors are from Scotland. The telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, Scottish. The television invented by John Yoeg By Bear, Scottish. And the deep fried mars bar invented by Wee Patrick from down the road who is stoned out of his nut, Scottish. I hope you all have learned something about my beloved Scotland. And before—yeah, I totally lost my place. Thanks very much. Messing up gets a laugh. Thank you. I’ll be doing that all night. And for anybody who’s watching back home, go to bed, it’s six in the morning. We have a brilliant show for you lined up. [Cheers and applause] Meek Mill is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Jason Mamoa Mo-Monologue | Season 44 Episode 8

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Momoa.

[Jason Momoa comes in the stage from the door. He walks in, jumps on the stage. He is bare feet.

Jason Momoa: Thank you very much, thank you very much. I’m so muscular to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”, huge! It’s such an honor to be on this stage. If you don’t know, I am an ‘SNL’ super nerd, dork. I’ve been watching this my whole entire life. [Applause and cheers]

And there was a time when I actually wanted to quick acting, I wanted to move to New York and try to get cast on ‘SNL’. Fortunately, I got sidetracked by a massively successful career, and I’m playing “Aquaman”. [Applause and cheers]

But now I’m here! And I’m hosting. I mean, this is probably one of the greatest moments of my life, right after having beautiful kids and marrying my red hot smoking wife, Lisa Bonet. Come on, Jase, hold it together. If you cry, it will rain in Hawaii. You know what, if it’s okay, I’m just going to take a second, savor this moment. Eli, if you can play that song I wrote.

[The back of the stage where the band play gets dark. Jason sits down on his knee and smiles as the band plays this song]

“This is my moment, I’m taking into
This is m moment, I’m the strongest man in the world”

[Jason stands]

Okay, great. Thanks, bud. This weekend has been amazing. I was so nervous to meet the cast. But for some reason, they’ve been asking, you know, they’re a little weird.

[Aidy Bryant comes in the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Oh hi, Jason!

Jason Momoa: Hi, Aidy.

Aidy Bryant: Would you mind opening this jar while looking at me directly in the eyes?

Jason Momoa: Sure.

[Jason opens the jar looking at Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, that’s going to be a big thing. I love you, best day of my life. Thanks you. Bye.

[Kenan Thompson, Leslie Jones and Chris Redd comes to the stage dressed up funky]

Leslie Jones: Alright. We got to impress.

Jason Momoa: Oh, wow, you guys look crazy. Is this for a sketch?

Leslie Jones: I’ll get to that. Let me ask you something, does “Aquaman” have a theme song?

Jason Momoa: I mean, not really. There’s music in the movie but it’s not really a theme.

Leslie Jones: Okay. Alright.

Kenan Thompson: Cool, cool.

Leslie Jones: We had an idea. You ever heard of “Aqua Boogie’ by Parliament Funkadelic?

Jason Momoa: Not really.

Chris Redd: You know, like George Clinton? P-Funk?

Jason Momoa: Nope.

Kenan Thompson: Aqua Boogie, from the 1978 album “Motor Booty Affair”?

Jason Momoa: Sorry, I never heard of it.

Chris Redd, Leslie Jones and Kenan Thompson: What? [Acting surprised]

Leslie Jones: It’s perfect for “Aquaman”. Check this out.

[Band starts playing music.Chris Redd, Leslie Jones and Kenan Thompson start dancing and singing]

Aqua boogie baby,
Never learned to swim

Underwater boogie baby,
Can’t catch the rhythm of the stroke

Aqua boogie baby,
Why should I hold my breath

Underwater boogie baby,
Feelin’ that I might choke

Jason Momoa: Whao, hold on, hold on.

Leslie Jones: So, what did you think of that, man?

Jason Momoa: Well, I mean it’s a cool song but did you just say never learnt how to swim?

Leslie Jones: I did. I sure did.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, that’s how the song goes. You can check the lyrics if you need to.

Jason Momoa: So it’s a song about someone who can’t swim?

Leslie Jones: Absolutely.

Kenan Thompson: No doubt. No doubt.

Jason Momoa: Well, I’m Aquaman. His whole thing is he can swim really well.

Chris Redd, Leslie Jones and Kenan Thompson: Oh! [Realizing about the movie theme]

Leslie Jones: Yeah man, but this is about the feeling man! You got to give it a try. You know what I’m saying? Just read what’s on the cue card!

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, come on, man.

Leslie Jones: Come on, man.

Jason Momoa: Okay.

Kenan Thompson:  Put that glass in, dog.

Psycho alpha disco beta bio aqua do loop

Jason Momoa: The motion picture’s underwater, starring most of you-loops

Everybody: Aqua boogie baby,
Never learned to swim

Underwater boogie baby,
Can’t catch the rhythm of the stroke

Aqua boogie baby,

Jason Momoa: Why should I hold my breath

Everybody: Underwater boogie baby,
Feelin’ that I might choke

Psycho alpha disco beta bio aqua do loop

Jason Momoa: We got a great show for you tonight! Mumford and Sons is here. Stick around, man, we’ll be right back.

Claire Foy | Season 44 Episode 7

[Band playing music on Saturday Night Live stage]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen—Claire Foy.

[The door opens. Claire Foy walks to the stage.][Cut to audience cheering][Cut to Claire Foy]

Claire Foy: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s such an honor to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Or as we call it in England, Sunday Morning. It’s wonderful to be here in New York because England is in little bit of a crisis with the whole Brexit thing. But how are things going here, they’re good?

It’s actually a relief to be in a country that is more chaotic than Britain. It’s sort of like when you’re at a party and you’re drunk and you see someone who’s much drunker than you are. I feel so lucky to be here, I really do. Especially since I’m not from here. I am a foreigner. And I know, but please don’t panic, I promise I’m only here taking the jobs that Americans don’t want. For example in the film I did “First Man” I had to play Ryan Gosling’s wife. Because nobody else wanted to do it so I had to.

Most people know me from my role in “The crown”, as Queen Elizabeth II. [Cheers and applause] One of the questions-– one of the questions I get asked the most is whether I have ever actually met the queen. And the truth is, I have. This is a real story. I was invited to an event at Buckingham palace, the real one. And I was waiting in line to meet the queen. And a million questions are running through my mind. What will the queen say to me? How will I respond? And then it happened, I shook the queen’s hand and she smiled at me and she said, absolutely nothing about “The crown”. Not a single word. Of course, this was three years before I did “The crown”, but still.

I have been fortunate to portray many strong women of history, and I’m so glad we have even more women getting involved in politics, even more women getting elected and even more women leading our countries. [Cheers and applause] So hopefully I can get even more roles. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Anderson Paak is here. So stick around. Because we’ll be right back!