Tag: Sasheer Zamata

Pepboys

Bobby Moynihan

Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a video of Starbucks]

Female voice: Last week, Starbucks created the Race Together campaign, which encourage all the baristas across the country to start a dialog with their customers about race. It was a way to open minds and share thoughts. All over coffee. And we think Starbucks is on the right track.

[Cut to Pep Boys mechanics]

So, we at Pep Boys are starting a conversation too. This month, all Pep Boys mechanics are encouraged to start a dialog with you, the customer, about gender and sexual identity. As part of Pep Boys new Genderflect campaign.

[Cut to a Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Bobby: Listen, I should pull up whatever people wanna do. Like, if you were guy and you wanted to be a girl, that’s great. But me personally, I could never cut off my [bleep]

[The customer is confused and speechless]

Female voice: Because if we don’t talk about these issues, who will?

[Cut to another Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Beck:  gotta question for you. You gay, right?

Colin: Yes, I am.

Beck: So, are you allowed to say, like, “That’s gay?”

Colin: I guess I can.

Beck: Oh, man! You are so lucky.

[Beck telling to his fellow staff at the counter] He get’s to say, “That’s gay!”

Kyle: Oh, so lucky.

Female voice: Our mechanics are ready to start a conversation with you about complex intersex issues.

[Cut to another Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Aidy: If you got both parts down there, then be proud. If I had both, I’d be doing myself all day long.

[Kate doesn’t want to listen]

Kate: Please go get my car.

[Jay walks in]

Jay: You know what my favorite show is? Ellen. That’s important because she used to be a man.

Kate: No, she didn’t.

Jay: Yes, she did.

Kate: No, she didn’t.

Aidy: Yeah, she was a man.

Kate: Will you go get my car?

[cut to Aidy writing ‘Genderflect’ on a car’s windscreen.]

Female voice: Because Pep Boys knows that the only thing more important than your car is taking the time to genderfy.

[Cut to Kyle talking to a customer]

Kyle: I think my cousin’s kid got born wrong. Well, not wrong, you know? Coz that’s the thing, you know? It’s not wrong if it’s right the hip.

Sasheer: Uh-huh! Okay.

Kyle: Anyway. Your car is totaled.

Sasheer: What?

Female voice: Pep Boys.

Male voice: Or girls, or that third kind where you’re both.

[Cut to Aidy and Jay hugging Kate]

Kate: So, do I need new break pads or?

Improv Show

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Noah… Kyle Mooney

Robert Durst… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

[Starts with an Improvisational show]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, everyone. Let’s keep tonight moving. The next team is one of the best improv groups in the city. Give it up for Price Charmin’.

[music playing. Sasheer leaves the stage.]

[three guys and one lady come in dancing]

Aidy: Okay, turn it down in the booth, Frank. Thank you so much. We are Prince Charmin’. Everything you’re about to see is made up for you on the spot. It’s never been done before and it will never be done again.

[Noah walks front]

Noah: Yeah, one night only folks.

Aidy: [laughing] Okay, Noah. So, tonight we’re gonna improvise a whole show about one of you. So, who wants to get up here and get interviewed? Okay, yes! I see a small hand back there. Come on up here, dude. Come on up.

[Robert walks up]

Alright. Take a seat. What’s your name, bud?

Robert: My name is Robert Durst.

Aidy: Okay, Robert. So, Robert, please tell us a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Oh! I don’t know. I’m from Scarsdale. I have black eyes. And one time, I chopped off my best friend. I don’t know, I’m a psycho.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ai-yai-yai! Robert! This is a comedy show. So, let’s keep things a little bit lighter, okay?

Robert: Yeah, of course I can do that.

Aidy: So, robert, what did you do today?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, I woke up. I shaved off my eyebrows. Then for lunch, I went to Wegman’s. I stole a chicken salad sandwich. I had $400,000 cash in the car. I just didn’t want to pay for it. I don’t know.

[Cut to everybody. Noah walks front.]

Noah: Hey, treats are on this guy!

Aidy: [laughing] Noah, you’re crazy!

Robert: [poinging at Aidy] You have too much energy. What’s your address?

Aidy: I live right across from JFK. So, now Robert, is there any special lady in your life? Or gentleman! Or gentleman.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, there is one lady. Her name is Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ooh! And who is this Jeanine?

Robert: Um, she’s some bitch from New York.

Aidy: Oh, gosh! Well, I hope she’s not here tonight.

Jeanine: I am! [Cut to Jeanine] I’m always right behind you, Robert! And I’m gonna catch you with mine two gorgeously manicured hands. Or my name’s not Jeanine Pirro!

[Cut to the stage]

Robert: Ah! She’s gonna die.

[Beck walks front]

Beck: Um, what was that, dude?

Noah: You’re gonna kill her?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: [talking to himself] No, Robert. You did it again. Did what? Killed them all of course.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: Oh-oh! Okay. Very cool. Let’s give Robert up here a round of applause.

[everybody clapping]

[Robert leaves the stage]

Robert: What was this for?

Aidy: Okay, so now we’re gonna improvise a set based entirely on Robert Durst.

[Noah and Beck walk front]

Beck: Hey, will you hold this sandwich for me? I gotta go kill someone.

[Cut to Robert and Beck sitting next to each other in the audience.]

Robert: Oh, wow! That’s me!

[cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson’s Franchise Viagra Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Sasheer Zamata

Cecliy Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. You know, I feel very blessed to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live for the 4th time.

[cheers and applause]

Now, 4th time feels right to me because I’ve actually been in a lot of sequels and I have added some extra, [showing his fist] umph, to franchises. Like, The Mummy, Journey To The Center Of The Earth, GI Joe and of course, The Fast and Furious. [cheers and applause] And some folks in the industry have even referred to me as…

[music playing]

[Dwayne Johnson grabs a mic and backup singers walk in behind him]

“Franchise Viagra”. So, tonight I just want to send the message to Hollywood producers out there who are looking to beef up their next sequel. I’m available.

[singing] If you’re looking for that extra special something
you wanna make sure the Box Office is bumping
need the baddes Mo-Fo since Charles Braton
add dashing Dwayne and a pinch of Johnson

Yo, check this out,

put me in Frozen, or Avatar 2
Don’t need no CGI, just paint my ass blue
make another Home Alone, where I’m the kid
the burglars take a look at me, and they’re like, “Shit!”

Sasheer: Zero Dark Thirty, Bin Laden was toast

Dwayne Johnson: Zero Dark Thirty-one, I kill his ghost
Coz I’m–

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: What about the new Batman?

Sasheer: I can play Bane
I’ll even play Bruce Wayne
you know what? Hell! I’ll even play Michael Kane

Back up singers: That’s insane!

Aidy: Be the 4th Amigo.

Sasheer: The 7th sense

Kate: The 8th Samurai

Dwayne Johnson: And the next president.

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: Fifty Shades of Grey?

Dwayne Johnson: I’d do a 50 a day.

Kate: Sister Act 3?

Dwayne Johnson: Put that habit on me

Sasheer: Toy Story 4?

Dwayne Johnson: Let’s make 20 more

Aidy: Another Smurf movie?

Dwayne Johnson: No!

[audience laughing]

[music stops]

Aidy: Okay, that is fair enough.

Dwayne Johnson: [music starts] Oscar movies this year, didn’t make no dough
even Birdman could use people’s elbow

Cecily: Boyhood 2?

Dwayne Johnson: The kid is jacked

Aidy: The dead gets rude

Dwayne Johnson: Then the dead gets smacked!

Sasheer: The Theory of Everything but it’s good looking

[Cut to Dwayne Johnson making his ‘The Rock’ eyes.]

[music stops]

Computer voice: Can you smell what Stephen Hawking is cooking?

[mus starts]

Back up singers: Franchise, franchise
franchise, franchise

Dwayne Johnson: Franchise Viagra!

[money raining on them]

Whoo! We have got a great show for you tonight. George Ezra is in the house. So, stick around. We will be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Spaceship

Ancent… Cecily Strong

Lieutenant Jericho… Chris Hemsworth

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of space ship]

Male voice: The year 3041. After a difficult journey across hyperspace, the crew of the S.S. Orion find their safety compromised by the actions of reckless captain.

[Cut to inside the space ship]

Ancent: Lieutenant Jericho, we have to do something about captain. She’s out of control.

Jericho: What is it Ancent, do you have problems taking orders from someone who isn’t a human?

Ancent: Of course not. I don’t care what species she is. But her decision to make that last hyperjump could have abruptly damaged the ship.

Jericho: She is in command and you need to accept that.

Sasheer: Captain Bulay’s on the bridge.

[Everyone turns to the door and salutes]

[The door opens. Captain is a chicken.]

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

[The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Yes, captain! Right away.

Ancent: Jericho, just promise to speak to her. She’s acting erratically.

Jericho: It’s not that simple.

[Cut to the chicken sitting on a captain chair.]

[Cut to everybody]

[The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, you heard her. Take us into the Zeta-quadrant.

Sasheer: That’s suicide. It’s full of Trulithian mines.

Jericho: Set the course.

Sasheer: Yes, lieutenant.

Kenan: That’s certain death.

Ancent: This madness has to stop. I’m turning us around.

[chicken noise]

[Cut to Ancent walks to the chicken]

No, this has nothing to do with you being a chicken and us being humans, okay? We have been a good crew to you.

[chicken noise]

I am very aware. The chickens have evolved into a higher intelligent species than humans. I am fine with that.

[chicken noise]

What did you call me?

Jericho: No, no. Take that back Emily. Take that back. For god’s sake, this isn’t like you.

[Ancent looks at Jericho in shock]

Ancent: Emily? Oh, I see. How long have you two?

Jericho: Two years. Ever since academy.

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: I knew he was dating that chicken. I just knew it.

[Cut to the chicken and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily. Look at me. Please, please, look at me. Just turn your head this way. That’s it, that’s it. I’ll give you a hand, look at me. Okay, don’t look at me. Just give me your hand. Okay, don’t worry. Listen, I remember the first time I saw you. You were sitting at the bar by yourself. eating pizza. And I said, “Dang, little thing like you couldn’t possibly finish off that pie by herself.” But eight hours later, you probed me wrong.

[chicken noise]

Ha-ha-ha. There’s that laugh I love. Come on! Come on! Hey, hey. Let’s tun this ship around.

[ship alarm goes off]

[Cut to everybody]

Sasheer: Captain, the chord’s over heated. Probability of melt down is 82%.

Kenan: We have to get to the escape pod.

Jericho: No, no. Wait, we’ll never it to the pods. They’re all the way over that way.

[chicken noise]

No, do not even say that. Don’t even suggest that.

[chicken noise]

Sasheer: She’s right. She’s the only one who can fix the chord.

Jericho: Why does it have to be her? I could do it.

Ancent: No, Jericho, you’re too big. You’ll never fit inside. Let her go. It’s the only chance we have.

[chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, okay. Emily, okay. [Cut to Jericho and the chicken] Com here. [chicken noise] I know, I know. Listen, once you enter the core, you’re gonna have 20 seconds to repair it and get the hell out of there. alright? You get out of there, alright? I love you.

[Jericho puts the chicken inside an oven.]

Ancent: Good luck in there.

[Cut to the chicken inside the over.]

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: It’s working. She’s doing it. She’s doing everything she’s supposed to do.

Sasheer: Course stabilized. We’re going to be okay.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily, you did it. Now get out of there.

Ancent: Jericho, she can’t. There’s no handle on the inside.

Jericho: Well, I’ll just open it.

Ancent: No! There’s too much radiation. She knew that going in. She sacrificed herself for us.

[The oven timer sound beeps]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: She’s done.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho. Jericho is very emotional.]

[Ancent opens the oven and takes out the roast on a plate.]

Jericho: Can I… Can I have a moment with her please?

Ancent: Of course. But, then we’re gonna eat her, okay? Because she smells so good. And she was such a bitch.

[Sasheer and Kenan walk in. They have napkins on their collars ready to eat.]

Kenan: Except at the very end of course, so noble. [Kenan pokes the roast with the fork] And cooked to perfection!

[cheers and applause]

Movie Set

Trice, Amanda… Kate McKinnon

Bob… Chris Hemsworth

Rod… Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Trice looking at the rain outside the window. Bob walks to Trice and holds her.]

Trice: We can’t do this. [Cut to Trice and Bob] You have to go.

Bob: Wait, why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: No, you you can’t. I’m dying.

Bob: You’re dying?

Rod: Cut!

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Good! Good job you guys. Good. The first take, Bob and Trice.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Thank you. Thank you. So, Rod, did you have any tips for us?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: It wasn’t very good. So, how do we make it better? How can I help you get there emotionally? Oh, I know. I have a little trick that I used to tell the actors back in my youth when I was acting coach in the Jeffers-son’s.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: The Jefferson’s.

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Yes! On the Jeffers-son’s, it was so clear where each character was acting emotionally at all times.

Bob: Well, it’s an old sitcome, right? I can’t really say that I’ve ever seen his fire. I don’t know.

Rod: Well, let me show you what I mean. [Bob stands] When you hear that she’s dying, we need to see that moment sink in. React! And then snap it shut like a coin purse. Let me show you. Trice, could you feed me your line?

Trice: Yes, sure. [acting] I’m dying.

[Cut to Bob and Rod. Rod rotates his head a couple of times.]

Rod: [yelling] Dying? Did you see what I did?

Bob: Yeah. I did. Um, I don’t get it.

Rod: Well, let me break it down for you. It’s pretty easy. She says ‘dying’. Then you tuck your chin. Move your face down and around on a count of three. And then you come up and you shake it. And then you say, “Daaaaa-yin?” Okay? Let’s try one.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take two.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: Take it from the couch… and action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob acting]

Bob: Why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, tell me what’s wrong, Amanda. Let me help.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

Rod: Great! Cut!

[Rod walks in]

Oh, that was it. Did that not feel better?

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Ah! How long were you an acting coach on the Jefferson’s for?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: One day. One very long day. But this is all good. Let’s keep going. [Cut to Rod, Trice an Bob] Now, Trice, you can do this too. [Cut to Rod and Bob] When he tells you that he has a wife, that should come as very big news.

Trice: No, no. My character knows that he is married. She knew it from the beginning.

Rod: Oh, yes. But now it’s really sinking in. So, let me show you. Snap that moment shut like this. Bob, what is your cue?

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Bob: Um, is it because of my wife?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: [Rod makes noises] Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki! Your wife?

[Cut to Rod and Trice]

Trice: I’m not doing that.

Rod: Well, of course you will make it your own. But it’s really easy. He says ‘wife’. You let your eyes go down the drain. And then you say “phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu” three times. And then you shake your face. And then snap it shut like a pair of snap phone. Okay? Let’s try it.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take three.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: And action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: We can’t do this, you have to go.

Bob: Hey, why- why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: [shaking her head] Ta-Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki. Your wife? No. It’s just that I- I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, wh- what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

[stops acting]

This feel very weird.

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: Well, well, it doesn’t. Look it. It’s really coming together, you guys. But honestly, I think we can go a little bigger on the ‘your wife’. I think something like, “Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki-phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu. [yelling] Your wife?” I mean, what do you guys think?

[Cut to the set. The actors are gone.]

Wait, are they gone?

Sasheer: Yeah. Yeah.

Rod: So, they already got all of their stuff and they aren’t on the lot anymore?

Sasheer: Uh-huh.

Rod: Why?

Sasheer: They quit.

Rod: Bt-ti-ga-sh-ga-ti. [yelling] They quit? You see? It works.

[Sasheer looks impressed]

It just works.

Iggy Azalea show

Iggy Azalea… Kate McKinnon

TI… Jay Pharoah

Azealia Banks… Sasheer Zamata

Rafty Drans… Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with Iggy Azalea show intro]

Male voice: It’s the Iggy Azalea show.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea in her set]

Iggy Azalea: Guys, welcome. Welcome to the show. I’m Iggy Azalea. Thank you all sory much. I like, can’t even believe you’re here for like, little Aussie me. Like, who even am I?

[music playing]

[rapping] I tell you who I am, see y’all murder been,
tear it up dirty m* you’re my witness
tick tock on the clock as I’m big in bitches
bang bang go to sound on me clipping bitches

You know what I mean? I don’t know. Oh, I love you guys so much. So much. And speaking of love, let me introduce my producer and rap daddy TI

[Cut to TI.]

TI: Nah, nah, nah. That is absolutely correctly. I created her. She’s my frank and fine, Ay!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea]

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god! I love you so much. TI, isn’t rap so fun? And you know what else is fun? Feuds. I’m in a new feud errday. So, my first guest is one of my top feud friends, fellow rapper, Azealia Banks.

[Azelia Banks dances to the set. Iggy Azalea dances with her.]

Azelia Banks: No, no, no, no! That’s mine.

Iggy Azalea: Cool. Okay. Azealia, welcome. Oh, my god. You’re so mad at me. Our feud is so hiphop.

Azelia Banks: I came here because I was told that you were gonna apologize to me.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, how’s this for an apology then?

[rapping] click clack popping cap

Azelia Banks: [interrupting] No, no, no! No!

Iggy Azalea: Okay. Great!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: Look, I’m over this feud. And I called you a poser or whatever, but I want to bury the hatchet. And… wait, did you just put my hat on your head?

[Cut to Iggy Azalea. She is wearing the same hat as Azelia Banks.]

Iggy Azalea: What? Oh, my god! I didn’t even realize. Now, we’re twinsies!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am no one’s twinsie.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Azelia Banks]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, you’re so funny. Okay, not it’s time for my second guest. He’s my cool older cousin and my hiphop mentor, Rafty Drans.

[Rafty Drans walks in dancing]

Rafty Drans: Yeah! Gand-bang boomerang! Thanks everyone for having me.

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god. Isn’t he cute little handfull of hiphop?

Rafty Drans: Stop it. You’re making me blush all over.

Iggy Azalea: Rafty taught me everything I know about hiphop and today he’s joining me in the segment called tip-hops.

[Cut to TI]

TI: Tip-hops! Hiphop tips!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Rafty Drans]

Rafty Drans: That’s right, that’s right. So, tip hop number one, guns. When you don’t know what to do when you rap, just make a gun sound like this. “Bang bang, click clack, tip tip.” That’s a tiny gun.

Iggy Azalea: Don’t use a real gun. Safety first, guys.

Rafty Drans: Yeah.

Iggy Azalea: Tip hop number two, lists. Every good rap has a list of cool things. So, right now, Rafty, me and Azealia are going to create a whole new rap for you by making a list.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am not doing that.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, cool. Just Rafty and I then. TI, hit the beats.

[music playing]

[rapping] Gold chain, paper cranes,
stuck up hundred horsy men

Rafty Drans: Man haters, sweet potatoes
bang bang like a lang

[Cut to TI]

TI: All day! Rafty put a gun sound in his list. Respect.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Rafty Drans: Tip hop number three. When your mouth gets tired of rapping, let your booty do the talking.

[music playing. Iggy Azalea stands up and starts twerking.]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, do you like how I dance?

Azelia Banks: No.

Rafty Drans: Like how I dance?

[Rafty Drans starts twerking at Azelia Banks’s face]

Azelia Banks: A little bit.

[music stops]

Iggy Azalea: Okay, we’re almost at a time, but before we go, I wanna debut a new track. It’s about where I came from. My roots. This song is called “Money Ass”. Play the track.

[music playing]

[rapping] money ass
got that ass, got that money
got that money ass
signing checks out them jeans

Rafty Drans: Bang, bang!

Iggy Azalea: You could take that ass to the bank
and buy my ass with it
that money ass.

Right? I think that was a pretty decent rap. That’s all the time we have. I love you guys so much. Bye.

Empire Promo

Lucious… Kenan Thompson

Cookie… Sasheer Zamata

Chip… Chris Hemsworth

Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a show promo]

Male voice: Empire, the television phenomenon returns this week with all your favorite characters. Lucious.

[Cut to Lucious]

Lucious: This is my kingdom. And as long as I am alive, it will stand. Also, I’m dying.

Male voice: And Cookie

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: I spent 17 years in jail and I haven’t aged a day!

[Cut to the clips of New York city]

Male voice: Empire has already taken black America by storm. But what about white America? We’ve got you covered. This week, we introduce a new character. Chip.

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Hi everyone.

[Cut to a meeting room filled with black people]

[Cookie looking pissed off]

[Cut to Lucious and Chip]

Lucious: He’s gonna be our new office manager.

Chip: Does anyone actually do any work around here? [laughing]

[Cut to Cookie throws a can of coke at Chip]

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: I’m just saying, my name’s Chip.

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: Take a dip, Chip!

Male voice: Drama, we’ve got it!

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Dad, I love Hiphop. And I’m gay. Poof!

[Cut to Lucious]

Lucious: What the hell is poof?

Male voice: Ground breaking music. You bet!

[Cut to Michael in a studio rapping]

Michael: [rapping] drip drop
drip dripiddy drop
what the hell am I saying?
the hell am I saying? Seriously!

Male voice: If that’s not enough, now we’ve got a white dude.

[Cut to Chip clapping]

[Cut to Lucious’s family argument]

Lucious: Ay! Look, I was a good father to you.

[Cut to Jay and Cookie]

Cookie: No, you weren’t. When he was 9, you picked him up, put him in the trash can and put the lid on it.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Damn! That kid was trashed or something?

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Wow, this is my first day. This is fun.

[Cut to Jay and Michael]

Jay: I’m burning the whole world up. My own brother tried to kill me.

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt. Do you mind signing this card? It’s Cookie’s birthday. [Jay and Michael are staring at him angrily] Okay. Go empire!

[Chip leaves]

[Cut to Michael and Cookie. Michael is using cellphone while Cookie is talking to him.

Cookie: Look at me while I’m talking to you. I sacrificed everything for this family.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: You want a medal, bitch?

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: I want some respect!

[Cookie gets a broom stick and starts hitting Michael]

Michael: Ae! Ae! Ah! Ah!

[Chip walks in with a card and balloons. He sees Michael hitting Cookie so he walks away quietly.]

[Cut to Chip and Leslie. In the office behind the, the family is quarreling.]

Chip: Um, just one question. You’ve turned in an expense report but there were no receipts with it.

Leslie: Yeah, I got the receipts right here.

Chip: Great, thank you.

[Leslie pulls her middle finger out of her bag.]

[Cut to Empire video bumper]

Male voice: Empire, now with something for everyone!

[Cut to Jay and Michael]

Jay: You set me up!

[Cut to Lucious’s family argument]

Chip: Guys, guys, guys. This meeting was supposed to be about Email Adecco.

[Cut to Cookie beating up Chip in the meeting hall with a broom stick.]

Cookie: I’m not going back to jail.

[Chip runs away]

Male voice: Wednesdays on Fox.

Net Neutrality

Jennifer Owens… Sasheer Zamata

Samantha Shepard… Dakota Johnson

Chris Konko… Pete Davidson

Mark Falanga… Bobby Moynihan

Veronica Davis… Leslie Jones

Vinton Cerf… Taran Killam

[Starts with Net Effect intro]

[Cut to Jennifer in her set]

Jennifer: Good evening. I’m Jennifer Owens and welcome to Net Effect where a prominent internet users help explain what’s going on in the wold of technology. Tonight’s topic, net neutrality. Joining me to discuss it is a tech blogger, Samantha Shepard.

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: It’s really good to be out of house.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Aspiring Instagram celebrity Chris Konko.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I got no filter.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Self employed CEO Mark Falanga.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Tremendous. [smiles]

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: And prolific YouTube commenter, Veronica Davis.

[Cut to Veronica]

Veronica: First…

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Now, most people barely understand what net neutrality is. Mark, would you care to explain?

Mark: Sure. [Cut to Mark] Well, you see, the net in net neutrality is actually short for internet. Which some people believe is also the web. And please excuse all the technical jargon. Who am I? Bill Jobs? [laughing]

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Okay. Samantha, what is net neutrality to you?

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: Well, I think it’s like with the emojis how they made them in different skin tones. But then, they switch back to like a neutral yellow. And like, the one with the mouth, that’s just a straight line. So, you can’t tell what it’s thinking. So, like it’s, [puts her index finger straight over her lips] like that. You know?

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: So, you think it’s about the internet being neutral?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Yeah, and why would anybody want that? The whole reason I go on the internet is to read really mean comments about people. And if everyone’s neutral, what are the comments gonna be? “This video is fine. I am okay with this. I didn’t notice what race that guys was.” I mean who wants that?

[Cut to Veronica]

Veronica: And news flash! It’s not neutral, okay? That damn dress is white and gold! And if you think it’s blue and black, you need to get your eyes fixed. Coz trust me, no one has ever mistaken black for gold. No one has ever come up to me in street and be like, “Are you gold?”

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: I am sorry. But I still don’t think we’ve nailed down what net neutrality actually means.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Jennifer, this might be a little over your head. Let me see if I can explain. Internet, startups, neutrality.

[Cut to Samantha, Jennifer and Mark]

Jennifer: What?

Samantha: No, actually, I think it’s more like, okay… [Samantha joins her two fists] So, here’s the internet. And here is the stipple and open it up, [Samantha opens her fists] and here’s all the people. Right?

Jennifer: That’s new neutrality?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Wait, wait. I got better one. [Chris puts his hands in clapping position] Put your finger in here. [Cut to Chris, Samantha and Jennifer] What? I can show you the internet.

Jennifer: No, I’m not touching your fingers.

Chris: Fine! Then I just want to point out that Veronica is color blind, coz that dress is black and blue.

Veronica: Say it to my face.

[Cut to everybody. Chris and Veronica stand up in anger.]

Chris: I just did!

Veronica: Say it to my gold face you blue son of a bitch!

Mark: Hey, both of you! Both of you, sit down. Okay? This is tearing us apart! [Cut to Mark] You wanna know what net neutrality is really about? It is about pornos. It is about how fast get pornos when we want pornos. Coz when my wife goes to the store, I got 15 minutes. That is why net neutrality is the single most important issue in the history of this Unite States.

[Cut to everybody]

[Chris stands up and starts clapping]

[audience start clapping with Chris]

Jennifer: Okay! Okay, okay, okay! So, none of you have the slightest idea what net neutrality actually means?

Mark: No.

Samantha: No.

Chris: Blue and black!

Jennifer: Okay, alright. Then in that case, I’d like to welcome Vinton Cerf, who is widely credited as being one of the founding fathers of the internet.

[Cut to Vinton Cerf]

Vinton Cerf: Hi, there.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: And he’s now gonna walk around and slap each of you in the face.

Vinton Cerf: Thank you for the opportunity.

[Vinton Cerf slaps Mark. Then Vinton Cerf slaps Chris. Then Vinton Cerf slaps Samantha]

Samantha: Harder!

[cheers and applause]

[Vinton Cerf raises his hand to slap Veronica]

Veronica: Yeah, I think you better think about it, son.

[Vinton Cerf walks away]

Jennifer: Great! Well, that’s the entire show. Up next is Cable and Bits, the show about computers by dogs. Goodnight.

Giuliani Cold Open

Gretchen Carlson… Venessa Bayer

Rudolph Giuliani… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Caroline

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson in her news set]

Gretchen Carlson: Welcome back. I am Gretchen Carlson. [cheers and applause.] Joining us now is former mayor Rudolph Giuliani [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani nodding his head] who got in some hot water last week at a private dinner for governor Scott Walker when he said, “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the President loves America.”

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Since then Mr. Giuliani has been arguing his point in the Wall Street Journals and many shows just like this one. And he is certainly not backing down [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Are you, Mr. mayor?

Rudolph Giuliani: No, not at all, Gretchen. [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani] I’m sorry, but this president doesn’t have the same love of our great country. Look, I know this is a horrible thing to say but he was brought up different. He’s just not like the rest of us. I mean, is that too much?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: Absolutely not. You warned us that what you were about to say would be horrible, so it’s fine. Let’s take a quick break and we’ll have more with mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Kyle: And we’re clear. Three minute break, guys.

[Kyle and Sasheer walk in the stage.]

Sasheer: That was really great Mr. Giuliani.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani. Sasheer is putting make up on Rudolph Giuliani]

We’re so glad to have you on the shoe.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: How did we end up here? In this dump. You were America’s mayor. Remember?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani]

Rudolph Giuliani: Um, I’m gonna take a walk. Excuse me.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands and walks away]

[Cut to a written video as “GIULIANI or (The unexpected virtue of ignorance)”]

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani at the hallway of the studio]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: I should have done that morning radio show they offered us. “Rise With Rudy.” It would have been 100 times more dignified than this.

[Rudolph Giuliani runs into Bobby]

Bobby: Sir, where are you going?

Rudolph Giuliani: Ah, I just need to take a walk.

Bobby: Okay, well, don’t go too far. We’ve got a very busy day today. You are crushing it, man! At C-PAC you are a rock star. Here, you are talking with Ted Cruz from 1 to 3 and tonight you’re doing a video message and archery demonstration with Ted Nugent. Wang-dang!

Rudolph Giuliani: Ya, ya, ya! That sounds great.

Bobby: Okay.

[Bobby gets on his way and Rudolph Giuliani starts walking in the hallway.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: You once stood at stage of Madison Square Garden with The Hoo and The Stones, man! The 9/11 benefit. Everyone loved you. And now, look at you. Jump in the water for an endless frenzy of cable news.

[Rudolph Giuliani walks in the dressing room. Caroline is there.]

Rudolph Giuliani: Caroline, I thought we were gonna meet downstairs.

Caroline: Are you excited, dad?

Rudolph Giuliani: What?

Caroline: Are you excited that you’re on TV again? You think you’re relevant? You’re not. You were in consulting business. You’re not on twitter. You haven’t been elected to any office in 15 years. No one cares.

Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, yeah? Well if no one cares, why is everybody talking about what I said, huh? Whoah!

[Rudolph Giuliani gestures as pulling down the photo frame, and the frame actually drops down from the wall.]

[Rudolph Giuliani fixes his suit] Excuse me!

[Rudolph Giuliani walks out of the dressing room and is walking in the hallway again.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: She has no clue. You were almost president for a few months in 2007. You were front runner. You were one of the greats. You were… a hero.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands still. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought appears behind him with a black mask and black wings. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought is wearing the same suit as Rudolph Giuliani.]

We were strong, beloved and our hair rocked. Let’s go back one more time and show them what we’re capable of. Admit it, you like to see something terrible happen right now so you can save the day.

Rudolph Giuliani: I would not like that.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Come on, don’t be a panty-waste. A minor emergency. No one really gets hurt.

Rudolph Giuliani: No.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Fine! I’ll just pull the fire alarm

Rudolph Giuliani: Do not!

[Kyle walks in and Rudolph Giuliani’s thought leaves]

Kyle: Mr. Giuliani. Where were you? We got five seconds for you. Come on.

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, let’s go.

Kyle: Five, four, three, two and one.

[Cut to The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: We’re back with mayor Rudy Giuliani. [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Mr. Mayor, some are saying you might be promoting yourself at the expense of the republican.

[The alarm goes off]

Oh dear! What is that?

Rudolph Giuliani: [stands up] Fire alarm. Rudolph Giuliani gets a mic-speaker. Everyone remain calm. We’ll get through this together if you’ll listen to me. Save your ‘thank yous’ for later.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani’s thought]

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought: We’re back, and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

The Jay Z Story

Jay Z… Mike O’ Brien

Jay Pharoah

Taran Killam

Beyonce… Sasheer Zamata

Kanye West… Jason Sudeikis

Nas… J.K. Simmons

[Starts with black and white video clips of the streets.]

Male voice: This is the story of the greatest rapper of all time. This is the definitive funny accurate biopic that is the final word on the subject. This is ‘The Jay Z Story’, with Mike O’ Brien as Jay Z.

[Cut to Jay Z at the cornor of the street selling drugs]

Jay Z: Cocaine? Cocaine for sale. Wanna buy some cocaine? Hello, walked by me.

[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah sitting on a chair]

Jay Pharoah: Hey, you seem a little down. What’s on your mind, man?

Jay Z: I think I might stop selling cocaine.

Jay Pharoah: And do what?

Jay Z: I think I want to be a rapper.

Jay Pharoah: Shawn, that’s an excellent idea.

Jay Z: I should head back to Marcy Projects.

Jay Pharoah: You know what trends around here? You should take the J or the Z.

Jay Z: You just gave me an idea about what my fake name could be, you son of a gun.

[Cut to Jay Z and Taran in the Label office.]

Taran: Look, I gotta be honest. I got a huge kick out of the Black album and people are buying millions of copies.

[Cut to Jay Z]

Jay Z: Ya, right! Are you messing with me?

[Cut to Jay Z and Taran]

Taran: No, I’m not Sha– Jay Z. You are great at rap.

Jay Z: This is insane! I can’t believe I’m great at rap.

[Beyonce walks in the office]

Beyonce: Oh, sorry. I’m early.

[Jay Z turns around and looks at Beyonce in slow motion.]

[Cut to Beyonce. Her hair is blown in slow motion. She smiles.]

[Cut to Jay Z. He stands up.]

Jay Z: I’m Shawn. Um, Jay Z.

[Cut to Beyonce]

Beyonce: I’m Beyonce from Destiny’s Child.

[Cut to Jay Z]

Jay Z: I know who you are. PS, you’re so pretty.

[Cut to video clips of Jay Z struggling in the streets.]

Male voice: A look at the Hard Knock Life of New York’s quirkiest rapper.

[Cut to video clips of Grammy’s and people recognizing Jay Z in the public. His pictures are on the front pages of the magazines.]

[Cut to Jay Z in a restaurant.]

Jay Z: You’ve been making some fantastic beats for me, Kanye.

[Cut to Kanye West. He’s also a white guy.]

Kanye West: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Jay Z and Kanye West]

Jay Z: Ay, where do you see yourself in five years?

Kanye West: I wanna be a rapper. Like you.

Jay Z: I think that…[Kanye West looks nervous] It could be amazing!

Kanye West: Holy guacamole! Ah, man! You had me so nervous. I didn’t know how you would respond to that. I didn’t think you–

Jay Z: Kanye, look at me. Your brain works like no one I’ve ever met, truly.

Kanye West: Thanks.

Jay Z: What are we doing eating these huge salads. Let’s go practice rapping. Meet me in the studio.

Kanye West: Okay, see you there.

[Cut to Jay Z and Nas. Nas is also a white guy.]

Nas: Not so fast, you turd.

Jay Z: Oh, great, Nas. What do you want?

Nas: I want you to go to hell, Jay Z.

Jay Z: How about you kiss my butt, Nas?

Nas: I would, but I can’t tell which end is your butt.

Jay Z: I’ve crossed the line and you know it.

[Jay Z and Nas are fighting]

Time out! Time out! This is silly!

Nas: This is silly.

Jay Z: Buds?

Nas: Buds.

Jay Z: See you now.

Nas: Bye Jay Z.

[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah walking in the streets.]

Jay Z: I wanna write a really great rap about New York.

Jay Pharoah: You know, that’s a great idea. You know, you should be like…

[rapping] I’m out that Brooklyn, now I’m down in Tribeca
Right next to De Niro, but I’ll be hood forever

Jay Z: Hi, hello. Can I talk please? It wouldn’t be like that. I mean, you’re my best friend but that sounded weird.

[Cut to clips of Jay Z walking in the streets]

Male voice: It’s raw. It’s greedy. It’s 100% accurate.

Jay Z: Uh, rapping. To a rapper like me, it’s topnotch. I’m Jay Z and this was my story.