Tag: Season 40

Blazer

Blazer… Taran Killam

Wiz Khalifa

Kenan Thompson

Chief… Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Blazer intro]

Male voice: Blazer! He gets the job done. Cleaning up the streets, one thug at a time. The best.

[Cut to Blazer interrogating Wiz]

Blazer: You ready to talk?

Wiz: Talk about what?

[Blazer punches Wiz]

Male voice: Unstoppable! He’s not afraid to get his hands dirty.

[Blazer jumps into an apartment through the window where Kenan is sitting]

Kenan: No, not again, Blazer!

[Blazer punches Kenan]

Male voice: Justice has a new name.

[Blazer is punching everybody but he stops when it’s a white guy.]

[Video paused on TV]

[Cut to Blazer and Chief in a police office]

Chief: So, you see why I gotta fire you, right Blazer?

Blazer: Coz I only beat up black guys?

Chief: Yeah, coz you only beat up black guys.

Blazer: Coz my partner filmed everything with his bodycam?

Chief: Yeah.

Blazer: Also coz I edited it altogether and added music and put it up on YouTube?

Chief: Yeah, all that. yeah.

Blazer: Well, had a good run while it lasted, didn’t we chief?

Chief: [smiles] We sure did. We sure did.

[Blazer and Chief laughing and shaking hands]

[Video pauses on TV]

[Cut to Bobby and Chief in the office]

Bobby: So, you see why you can’t be police chief anymore?

Chief: Because I may have lied of race based police brutality?

Bobby: Yeah.

[Cut to Blazer running over the walls]

Male voice: Blazer!

[Blazer falls]

Black Widow Trailer

Black Widow… Scarlett Johansson

Kate McKinnon

Thor… Taran Killam

Nick Fury… Jay Pharoah

Reporter… Cecily Strong

Captain America… Beck Bennett

Hulk… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Marvel Universe intro]

Male voice: You love the Marvel Universe. Avengers: Age of Ultron, Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, but you wanna know why no Black Widow movie? Does marvel not know how to make a girl superhero movie? Chill! Marvel gets women. Coming in 2016. When it came to life in a big city, [Cut to Black Widow walking in the street] Black Widow had it all figured out. [Black Widow’s heel breaks]

A huge apartment, great friends and an internship at Fashion Weekly.

Kate: Where’s the new girl?

[Cut to Black Widow coming in the office doing somersault.]

Black Widow: Sorry.

Kate: Leather, with a low neckline? Take that off… and put it on the cover of our magazine.

[Black Widow is so happy]

Male voice: The only thing missing in Black Widow’s life was love.

[Black Widow meets Ultron in the park. Ultron is wearing a suit.]

Ultron: Hey, I’m Ultron.

Black Widow: Black Widow.

Ultron: You wanna grab a coffee?

Black Widow: I don’t really have time for dating guys now.

Ultron: What about robots?

[Cut to Thor and Black Widow]

Thor: So, who’s the guy?

Black Widow: Why do you think it’s always a guy, Thor?

Thor: Honey, you’re putting ketchup on your cereal.

Male voice: From Marvel Studios, and the writers of dresses, [Cut to Black Widow and Ultron enjoying in the park] comes the story of a super hero and her super romance.

[Cut to Black Widow and Ultron in a room. Ultron opens his pants and all sorts of robot sounds and lights are coming. Black Widow is looking carefully.]

Robot voice: Penis activated.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Black Widow and Captain America]

Nick Fury: I don’t know, Black Widow, I think you’re moving way too fast with this guy.

Captain America: Does he even know anything about you? Like your favorite food is ice cream?

[Thor walks in wearing a towel.]

Thor: Hey, BW. Your boyfriend is on the news.

[Cut to the TV]

Reporter: The robot named Ultron threw a bus at the Fashion Weekly building. I’d hate to be that guy’s girlfriend.

[Cut to Black Widow sobbing and crying alone]

[News showing “I’m sorry” written on a building by fire]

[Ultron visits Black Widow]

Black Widow: What are you doing here? You knew how much that job meant to me.

Ultron: I…

Black Widow: Do you even know what my favorite food is?

Ultron: Pizza?

Black Widow: Huh! Thank you!

[Black Widow kicks Ultron]

Male voice: For Black Widow, falling in love can be hard. But it can also be ‘Incredible’.

[Hulk walks to Black Widow]

Hulk: Where will you go?

Black Widow: Paris, France.

Hulk: But if you go Paris, then who help Hulk… [Hulk shows two ice creams] eat ice cream?

Male voice: Black Widow: Age of Me. Marvel, we know girls.

Weekend Update Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy Explains Passover With His Dad

Jacob… Venessa Bayer

Michael Che

Dr. Hankin… Billy Crystal

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Today marks the end of the Jewish holiday of Passover. Here to give us some info about the holiday is my podiatrist’s son and recent Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: Hi, Michael. My dad wanted me to give you this ointment for your athlete foot.

Michael Che: Oh, thank you, Jacob. So, did you have a good Passover this year?

[Jacob does not answer. He opens his notes and starts reading.]

Jacob: [clears throat] Each year at Passover, we ask four questions which explains why this night is different from all other nights.

Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh?

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The first reason Passover is different from other nights is that instead of eating leavened bread, we eat matzah. It’s pretty blend, but don’t quote me under it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Jacob]

Michael Che: Okay. So, it sounds like you’re not a big fan of matzah.

[Jacob just looks and Michael Che and continues reading his notes.]

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The second reason is that we eat bitter herbs to remind us the cruel way the Jews were punished in Egypt. Sounds pretty bad, but not as bad as my brother Ethan got punished for grinding at his BBYO dance. But don’t quote me under it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Jacob]

Michael Che: Yeah, I wasn’t gonna. Jacob, it seems like you really like telling jokes? I mean where did you get that great sense of humor from?

Jacob: My dad who happens to be here tonight.

[Dr. Hankin slides in]

Dr. Hankin: Hi. Michael, here is the foot cream. He has toe nails that look like potato chips.

Michael Che: It’s my podiatrist, everybody. Dr. Hankin. So, doc, what’s your favorite thing about the Passover holiday?

[Dr. Hankin just looks at Michael Che and then opens his notes too.]

[Cut to Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Dr. Hankin: [clears throat] The third reason Passover is different from other nights is that we dip twice. I don’t know about you but I always dip my food twice, once in salsa and once in guacamole. You do that math!

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: What math, man? Look doc, we can just have a conversation like we do at the office.

[Dr. Hankin just looks at Michael Che and then looks at notes.]

[Cut to Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Dr. Hankin: The fourth reason Passover is different is that on Passover, we eat reclining back on our chairs. Sort of like when I took Peggy Tinkerton to the prom. She was a goy.. as in goy-geous. We did a lot of reclining in the back seat. You do the math!

Jacob: But don’t quote him under it.

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: I promise I won’t. Yes, so Yankees. They had a rough loss last night. Nineteen innings. Are you guys sad that there Derek Jeter isn’t playing anymore?

[Jacob and Dr. Hankin start scratching their eyes.]

Hey, I’m sorry guys. I didn’t mean to make it weird.

[Jacob and Dr. Hankin look at Michael Che for a moment]

Jacob: In conclusion, I want to thank my wonderful dad for joining me on this special day.

Dr. Hankin: Oh, Jacob. I remember the moment you were born. You mother was screaming, “I’m not doing this again.” Let us pray. I don’t know what they’re putting in the water these days because look how big you’re getting. You look mar….ginally bigger than you were before.

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob and his dad, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Jacob: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a gas station at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey man is claiming he was robbed by rapper DMX at a local gas station. He knew it was DMX because it said so right on his name tag. He’s not doing good, guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: In an up head in the Washington post, republican presidential hopeful Dr. Ben Carson said that he wants to get rid of the selfie stick, which raises the question, what does Ben Carson think a president does?

[Picture changes to Golf Digest magazine]

Golf Digest magazine has created a controversy over a new cover featuring 20 year old golfer Lexi Tompson posing with only a towel covering her breasts. But before you call them sexist, they did the same thing last month with Arnold Palmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Maya Angelou stamp at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was revealed that a new stamp featuring the late poet Maya Angelou contains a quote that she did not write. Now that’s bad but not as bad as how none of you noticed, that his is actually picture of Della Reese. Oh, you feel a little racist now, don’t you? And you should coz I’m lying. That’s actually Toni Morrison. This is Della Reese. [Picture changes to Morgan Freeman]

[Picture changes to a cop car]

A Pennsylvania woman was arrested for allegedly giving her six month old son cocaine. But on a bright side, he did say his first million words.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grilled cheese sandwich at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that people who find grilled cheese sandwiches have more sex. Read more about it in this month’s issue of [picture changes to a magazine called ‘What?’] What?

[Picture changes to 7Eleven logo]

Today was bring your own cup day at 7Elevens around the country where customers could fill up any cup they brought in with a Slurpee. But if you missed it, don’t worry, you could just do it any day. It’s 7Eleven, man! Go nuts! What’s the worst thing that happens? You get kicked out of a 7Eleven? That’s the best thing that can happen.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of NCAA, Duke and Wisconsin team logos]

Michael Che: Duke beat Wisconsin 68-63 to win the NCAA championship. Afterwards, disappointed Wisconsin students took to the streets to riot the only way white people know how… without consequence. You lucky bastards.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of baseball field at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hey. During opening day at Chicago’s Wrigley field, lines for bathrooms were so long that fans resorted to urinating in cups. A move Chicago-ains are calling, “Hey, free beer”, and “Oh, no!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture from a scene from Game of Thrones at left top corner.]

This Sunday is the premiere of Game of Thrones. This season focuses on a woman from a once powerful family who will stop at nothing to claim her rightful place on the throne. Based on the true story of [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] Hillary Clinton. I guess that does explain Hillary’s new campaign slogan ‘Winter is Coming’.

Sources say that tomorrow Hillary Clinton will formally announce her presidential campaign. Early polling shows that Hillary has a substantial lead over her nearest democratic challenger, the margin of error.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and Raul Castro at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At the Summit of Americas on Friday, president Obama shook hands with Cuban president Raul Castro. But don’t get your hopes up for peace because the only time I’ve ever seen a black guy and Cuban guy shake hands was [Picture changes to a boxing match] in the ring before fight.

[Picture changes to Rand Paul]

Rand Paul announced that he is running for president and his slogan will be ‘Defeat the Washington machine, unleash the American dream’, which is lot better than Jeff Bush’s slogan, ‘Buy two Bush’s, get one free.”

[Picture changed to apple watch]

Apple made it’s new watch available for pre-order on Friday. Consumers are disappointed that it doesn’t have a camera while police are happy that it doesn’t have a camera. What? Cops hate pictures. It’s like their least favorite thing to shoot.

Teacher Trial

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Gabbin Deli… Pete Davidson

Cathy Deli… Kate McKinnon

Plaintiff lawyer… Taraji P. Henson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Deli… Bobby Moynihan

Defense lawyer… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’r watching HLN. That stands for Head Line News.

[Cut to the pieces of news on cut news papers]

When I return to HLN’s live coverage of Hot For Teacher: the Janet Johnson-Luna’s civil trial.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott. Here at the Hillsborough County Courthouse in Tampa Bay for day six of the trial of Janet Johnson-Luna.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna sitting in a courtroom.]

A 32 year old teacher at Villa River High School, [Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott] who was caught having a sexual relationship with 16 year old student Gabbin Deli.

Paula Abbott: In court today is Deli’s mother, [Cut to 5 crying in the courtroom] Cathy Deli, who is suing Ms. Luna on behalf of her son.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: We now go to the courtroom where Gabbin Deli has taken the stand.

[Cut to the courtroom.]

Plaintiff lawyer: Good morning, Mr. Deli.

Gabbin Deli: Hello, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, your physical relationship with the defendant lasted how long?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, five glorious weeks, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Can you point out the defendant for the court.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yeah, she is right over there, looking all fine.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna. She is blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] You’re stupid.

[Cut to 5, Plaintiff lawyer and Janet Johnson-luna]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling]

She’s a monster!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s keep it cool.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: The affair began on April 15, 2014, correct?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yes, ma’am. It was the best day of my life.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did you feel pressured into being physical with Ms. Luna?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, no. I instigated it. After school, I went in and said, “What can I do for some extra credit?” And it was on.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Judge: Look at you.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli. You mother said you came home that day and felt sick.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Oh, yeah. I asked for some time in home because I was fist pumping the entire walk home from school, and my arm muscles were a little sore.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: How would you describe your mental state after the affair began?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, I’d say it felt like what Disney Land is.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] Oh, my god! So embarrassing.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, when your classmates became aware of your relationship with Ms. Luna, what happened at school?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: I just remember giving thousands of high-fives.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did the kids call you names?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, yes ma’am. The man, luckiest guy ever, my hero, baller, lil Pimp, lil baller, the one, good year pimp, Fred Pimpstone, Ran and Pimpy, king of the teachers, after school special, teacher’s petter, the boy who lived, Gabbin the great, Magic the Gabbining, Legend, super cala fragalistic this be such a dope kid, and he who had sex with teachers. I’m sorry, that’s all I can remember but those were the main ones.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Noted. Now, Mr. Deli, were you bullied as the result of the affair?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: No, I wasn’t. I would describe it as the end of the movie ‘Rudy’. I was Rudy.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Are you okay, your honor?

[Cut to Judge laughing]

Judge: Yeah, yeah. It’s just this guy. Extra credit!

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] So corny.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: [clears throat as to get attention] Mr. Deli, how did your relationship with the defendant affect your home life?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, it actually brought me closer to my dad. After he saw a picture of Ms. Luna, he took me to a Mallen’s game and bought me my first beer.

[Cut to 5 and Mr. Deli. 5 is staring at Mr. Deli angrily and Mr. Deli is just looking at Gabbin Deli.]

Mr. Deli: [nodding his head to Gabbin Deli] I love you.

[Mr. Deli is really proud]

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did Ms. Luna make arrangements to meet you after your mother filed a restraining order?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, she did say she wanted to meet that weekend but my schedule was so hectic. I had some meet and greets. And that Sunday, it was Gabbin night at the minor league hockey game. And I was asked to ride the zamboni and sing, “Hot for Teacher.”

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Yeah, I’m done!

[Cut to the courtroom]

[Plaintiff lawyer sits down]

Judge: Defense.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Defense lawyer]

Defense lawyer: You know, we’re beyond good at this point, your honor.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, may I be excused, sir?

Judge: No… not until you pound it! Ha-ha-ha.

[Judge gives Gabbin Deli a fist to pound]

Mr. Extra Credit right here. Yeah, you excused.

[Gabbin Deli climbs over the stand and goes to Janet Johnson-luna in haste]

2014 minute recess.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli]

Janet Johnson-luna: Don’t do that.

Gabbin Deli: I wasn’t gonna.

[Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli are blushing]

Sesame Street with Taraji P. Henson

Cookie… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Sesame Street intro]

Male voice: This week on Sesame Street, the count is making cupcakes.

[Cut to Count Von Count counting cupcakes]

Count Von Count: Five, six and seven. Seven cup cakes. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Elmo]

Male voice: Elmo’s got a new backpack. And Cookie is being a real monster.

[Cut to Cookie Monster]

Cookie Monster: Who? Me?

Cookie: No, me.

[Cookie from Empire walks in]

Cookie Monster: Wow, wow, wait a minute.

Male voice: From the hit show, Empire, it’s special guest Cookie.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: Hey, Bert. I’ll change my apple for half of your sandwich.

[Cut to Bert and Ernie. Cookie from Empire walks in]

Cookie: No, uh-uh! He’s trying to play you. What you trying to do, big man?

[Cut to Ernie looking worried]

Ernie: But- but–

Cookie: B-B-B-But! Oh, now you can’t speak English?

[Cut to Bert looking shocked]

Male voice: Relationships will crumble.

[Cut to Cookie from Empire with Big Bird and Mr. Snuffleupagus]

Cookie: You remember something, Snuffy, I knew this bird first.

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Can’t we all be friends Cookie?

Cookie: Snuffy, you need to stop rapping like you from the streets, coz you not about that life!

Male voice: And this week, Cookie is gonna get what’s her’s.

[Cut to Cookie Monster and Cookie from Empire]

Cookie Monster: You want to share me cookie?

[Cookie Monster shows Cookie a cookie]

Cookie: Oh, no baby, Cookie don’t share.

Male voice: No matter what the cost.

[Cut to Cookie from Empire and Murray Monster]

Murray Monster: Oh, no! I can’t find Elmo anywhere.

[Murray Monster looks at Cookie. She is wearing a red fur coat.]

Oh, wait a minute. Cookie, where did you get that red fur?

Cookie: Don’t you worry about it baby!

Male voice: Betrayal, revenge, sing-a-longs.

[Cut to Sesame Street characters singing with Cookie from Empire]

Cookie: Y’all are freaks. That’s good. I can mark at that.

Male voice: Sesame Street, starring Taraji P. Henson.

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: The P is for Puppet! Hmph!

[The end]

QVC

Temora Stans… Taraji P. Henson

Claudette Fontaine… Kate McKinnon

Blayah… Aidy Bryant

Rick Warson…. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with QVC intro]

Female voice: You’re watching QVC, which means you’re a cat who’s owner’s at work. Hi little guy!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Well, hello everyone. I’m Temora Stans and I was born right here on this very set. Now, our guest today is a legendary actress, singer and as of last Thursday, she’s a designer. Please welcome Claudette Fontaine.

[Claudette walks in]

Claudette: Oh, splash! Splash! Here I am. Thank you so much for having me. I won’t forget it. Thank you so much.

Temora: Okay. Now, you have a new item for us today. it’s called the 3-way poncho, is that right?

Claudette: Yeah, that’s correct. No woman of a certain age wants to be boxed in by a business shirts. So, I thought, you know, what’s the loosest thing you can wear? What’s perfectly elegant but also very, very loose. So, 3-way poncho.

Temora: Oh! Now, I’m just dying to see that poncho. Let’s bring out the mode.

[Blayah walks in wearing a huge red 3-way poncho.]

Claudette: Yes, lets get her out. This is Blayah. [Cut to Claudette and Blayah] Now, Blayah is wearing my 3-way ponchos in curtain red.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ah! This is just gorgeous. Can Blayah show us the 3 ways?

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yes, of course. Now, the first way is the way it is now. Isn’t she so elegant? Look at her. She’s a perfect square.

[Cut to all]

Temora: Absolutely, I love it. And now, let’s see the second way.

Claudette: Okay, here it is.

[Blayah pulls the poncho a little bit down on her left shoulder]

Temora: Wow, down on the shoulder.

Claudette: Now, could’t you just– It’s gotta sear the Oscars at the very end of an inmemoriam real.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: I could, I could. And now, let’s see the third way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yeah, the third way.

[Claudette looks around thinking]

Phew! It’s just kind of went like right out of my head! What is that pesky third way? Oh, I remember it. It’s up! [gestures Blayah to pull the poncho up on her shoulder again] Up that way. That’s the third way.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: No, no, no. I think that was the first way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Ah! You’re right, you’re right. Well, we’re gonna run through them again. We got up! And then we got off the shoulder. And that’s 3, ya?

[Cut to all]

Temora: Uh, that’s two.

Claudette: Oh, darling, darling. What the heck is that third way?

Temora: Blayah, why don’t you try to figure it out while we take a call? Viewer, you’re on with Claudette .

Caller: Hi, Claudette, my name is Rachel.

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Oh, hello Emily.

Caller: No, it’s Rachel.

Claudette: Oh, I love ya’, Emily. And I won’t ever forget you. I won’t!

Caller: Okay. Um, I’m calling because I ordered a 3-way poncho and it was shipped to me without a box. It was just left on my lawn in a little bowl.

Claudette: Oh, I’m so glad you got it. Bye bye, Emily.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Alright, and it looks like Blayah has figured out the third way to wear the poncho.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah. Blayah is covering her face with the front part of the poncho.]

Claudette: Blayah, honey, that can’t be it, coz how are you gonna see or eat?

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Is the third way… Well, if she puts her legs through the arm holes, so it will be up side down like a pant.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: That’s it. That’s the third way. Yes! [Blayah is opening the poncho.] Oh, wait, because then her crutor could be poken up through the net.

Temora: Oh, no, no.

Claudette: No, I’m not pervert. What is that ding-ding third way?

Temora: Okay, let’s take another call. Viewer, you’re on with Claudette Fontaine/

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Hi Claudette, my name is Amy.

Claudette: Hi, Lisa. Lisa, you’re shooting star. Kill anyone for you.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Now, how do you like your 3 way poncho?

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Well, I also had a problem with shipping. I did receive a box, but there was no poncho inside. Just a small dog.

Claudette: Oh, that’s my dog Kiko. I was wondering where she went. Keep her. Oh, bye-bye, Michelle. Thank you so much.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Now, Claudette, you have also designed a fabulous necklace. [Cut to all] Why don’t you tell us about that?

Claudette: Of course, I will. Yes. I will tell the 10-way necklace.

[Cut to Blayah. She is wearing a necklace.]

Now, this is a gorgeous sapphire pendant. [Claudette is touching Blayah’s neck and face very hardly.] And the first way is, you hang it like this. You hand it and it’s a necklace.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Just so beautiful. And what’s the second way?

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Dang it! What is that second way? Oh, never mind. It’s just a necklace. Woo!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Okay. Well, that’s all the time we have with Claudette Fontaine. Next we have Rick Warson. He’s 75 years old and he’s the inventor of the world’s cheapest ladder.

[Cut to Rick with his ladder behind him]

He’s gonna climb it live when we come back right after this. Only on QVC.

Claudette: Bye guys.

[End]

 

I Made It Monologue

Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Taraji P. Henson.

[Taraji P. Henson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Taraji P. Henson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is so nice! Oh my god, being in Saturday Night Live really means so much to me because it proves that after 20 years of show business, white people finally know who I am.

[cheers and applause]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Look, now I’ve been around a while, but a lot of you are just getting to know me as Cookie on Empire.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. No, no, no, real talk. This role changed my life. I mean, I spent so many years hustling in this business and now I’m here. So, I guess you can say I made it. Hallelujah!

[Taraji P. Henson gets a mic]

[music playing]

[singing] Don’t worry about where you are
be grateful that you’ve come this far
you may not always come in first
just remember, that it could be worse
I could have been in acts to older Lion King
could be wearing some giant two wings
could be tryina’ make some bachelor holla!
could be twerking on a pole for a dollar
I could have been a hiphop, being a hoe
didn’t work no twice, but let no more

[backup singers come behind her.]

I know all that stuff matters now
coz I made it.

Backup singers: Oh, yes, you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: I used to tip 5, now it’s 30%

Backup singers: Oh, yes, you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Oh, yes! I made it.
All my stuffs at apartment just to pay rent

Backup singers: Oh, yes, you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Oh, yes I made it
Kudo pasta samples in the grocery store
although they know that I couldn’t pay no more

Backup singers: I know all that stuff matters now
coz you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Oh, yes, I made it.

Now listen. Instead of worrying about where we want to be, how about we try to be thankful for where we’re not? Tthink about all the things we could be doing right now. We’re blessed. Somebody better testify.

[Taran Killam walks in]

Taran: I could still be performing magic for my parent’s friends.

Taraji P. Henson: But you made it.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan: I could be the oldest cast member in Good Burger 7.

Taraji P. Henson: Hey, dawg, you made it.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: I could have been behind the counter at Nathan’s. Now, I’m in front of it.

Taraji P. Henson: Ah! You made it!

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete: I could be a well adjusted college sophomore .

Taraji P. Henson: But you made it young man.

Pete: Sure!

[Venessa Bayer walks in]

Venessa: I could have been the most famous Jewish person from Cleveland. JK, I am!

Taraji P. Henson: You made it!

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: I could have straight up been in jail.

[music stops]

Taraji P. Henson: Oh!

Leslie: Seriously. I have done some stuff.

[Taraji P. Henson hides behind Leslie]

I even shouldn’t be on TV right now because somebody might recognize me and turn me in.

Taraji P. Henson: But you made it.

Leslie: Yes, I did.

Taraji P. Henson: We used to steal cable and watch the TV

Everyone: But we made it. Oh, yes, we made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Think about where we could have been
think how we moved on up like the tread machine

Everybody: Coz, we made it, we made it.
Whoo! Yeah!

Wow! We got a great show for you tonight. Mumford & Sons are here with me. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

How 2 Dance with Janelle

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy… Kyle Mooney

Mom…Taraji P. Henson

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with How 2 dance with Janelle intro]

[Cut to Janelle streaming live with her friend Teddy sitting behind her.]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, a.k.a. Jay Train, a.k.a. Janelle. And I’m here as always with my best friend Teddy.

Teddy: [walks near to Janelle] Best friend and prom date.

Janelle: That’s right. We’re going together as a joke. [laughs]

Teddy: So funny!

Janelle: Anyway, we’re live streaming today in honor of my channel hitting 1 million subscribers. So, shout out to my 1 million subscriber, Jeremy Gates from Danberi state penitentiary. [Janelle hits the play button and the music starts playing] Okay, let’s get dancing.

[Janelle and Teddy stand]

Today we’re gonna learn how to do the Do Drop. Alright Teddy, first you have to shake your shoulders like you’re cold then roll your body like it’s a snake. It’s easy. Let’s try it full speed.

[Janelle starts dancing]

Teddy: Oh, my god!

[Mom opens the door enters the room]

Mom: Woo-hoo! Y’all better be kissing in here.

Janelle: Ew, gross!

Teddy: Yeah, that’d be so gross.

[Janelle pauses the music]

Janelle: Can you leave? I’m doing my dances.

Mom: Oh, I know baby. Your brothers and friends are all watching in the living room.

[Michael walks in]

Michael: Janelle! None of my friends want to play Xbox with me.

Mom: Michael! Go take the garbage!

Michael: Mom, it’s not even making sense!

Mom: You better get out of here boy!

[Michael leaves]

Baby, show me the dance you were doing?

Janelle: Oh, it’s call the Do Drop. Like this.

[Janelle shows the dance.]

Mom: Oh, no, no, no. That is not how we move in this house. I raised you better than that. We move like this.

[Mom shows Janelle how to move even better.]

Teddy: [looking at Mom] Oh, how cool pillow. I’m just gonna put it right here.

[Janelle puts the pillow over his lap.]

Janelle: Oh, mom!

Mom: Please! You know I auditioned to be a fly girl. Now let me show you how real real woman dances.

Janelle: But I’m not a woman.

Mom: Well, your body disagrees. Alright, step one, jam!

[Mom plays the music and starts dancing]

Ay! Ay! Step two, it’s all about arms and back. You gotta pop it like this. Pop! Pop! Pop it out! Pop it! Pop it!

Janelle: It looks like someone’s trying to punch you in the spine.

Mom: That’s what’s hot about it. Pop it! Pop it!

[Janelle and Mom are dancing together]

Bang! Bang! Bang! Now, how does that feel for you?

Janelle: It hurts everything.

Mom: Hah! Then you’re doing it right, baby. Now watch this. This is when you’re dropping it low.

[Mom starts shaking her butt]

[Michael walks in]

Michael: Mom, my friends are watching this!

Mom: Hey, boys! Don’t you eat all my food!

[Michael leaves]

Janelle: Teddy, get in here.

Mom: Yeah! Teddy!

[Janelle pulls Teddy in the middle of her and Mom.]

Mom: Come on, Teddy! You have to move your hips like this.

Janelle: Yeah, and move your arms and chest like this.

Mom: Yeah, go Teddy! Go Teddy!

[Teddy faints]

Is he alright?

Janelle: Yeah, he faints a lot. I’ll just get him some water.

Mom: Okay, baby. You go.

[Janelle leaves]

Mom: [looking at the computer] What’s that comment say? Do you know how to twerk? Oh, baby. I was made for–

[Michael storms in]

Michael: No, no, no, no.

[Michael is pressing all the buttons trying to stop the streaming]

[This livestream has now ended.]