Tag: Season 40

Home 2

Jim Parsons… Taram Killam

Rihanna… Sasheer Zamata

Kendrick Lamar… Jay Pharoah

Missy Elliot… Leslie Jones

Nicki Minaj… Taraji P. Henson

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

Rick Ross… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with DreamWorks Sneak Peek video bumper.]

[Cut to a trailer of animated movie ‘Home’]

Male voice: This April, DreamWork’s newest animated movie ‘Home’ is  dominating the Box Office. Thanks to the voice of Jim Parsons as a lovable alien outcast.

[Cut to Jim Parsons doing the voiceover]

Jim Parsons: My hands are in the air like I just do not care.

[Cut to a girl from animated movie]

Male voice: And Rihanna as an earth girl with an attitude.

[Cut to Rihanna doing the voiceover]

Rihanna: Our tradition is to punch you in the nose. Ay-ay-ay.

Male voice: So, DreamWorks is already at work on Home 2. With Jim Parsons and more hiphop than you can handle. Featuring characters like Twee Tor, the alien voiced by Kendrick Lamar.

[Cut to Kendrick Lamar doing the voiceover]

Kendrick Lamar: Yo, I’m Twee Tor

so let’s hit the skies in my bubble car

it runs a milk shakes from here to the north star

Male voice: It’s a G rated run featuring the OG’s of rap. Including Missy Elliot as Boop the sky.

[Cut to Missy Elliot doing the voiceover]

Missy Elliot: Well, I’m not from this galaxy. I’m from [mumbles]

Male voice: Nicky Minaj doing double duty as star cops Thwick & Thwack.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj doing the voiceover]

Nicki Minaj: I’m all so sorry but you’re under inter-gallectic arrest.

Jim Parsons: Well I’m–

Nicki Minaj: [interrupting] Bro, I ain’t sorry, coz Thwack don’t apologize.

Jim Parsons: You don’t under–

Nicki Minaj: You have the right to remain silent.
Jim Parsons: Oh!

Nicki Minaj: But I won’t remain silent. I have a right to remain violent.

Jim Parsons: Do I need to be here for this?

[Cut to animated movie clips]

Male voice: You’ll be spending all of your young money on this funky fresh sequel, featuring Sofia Vergara as nurse Bickle Bam. With Rick Ross as Sky Cat.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara and Rick Ross doing the voiceover]

Sofia Vergara: Oh, you have a wound rash.

Rick Ross: Sky Cat!

Sofia Vergara: You don’t have to say your name before every line.

Rick Ross: [looks around] Sky Cat!

[Cut to animated movie clips]

Male voice: And we’re pulling out all the hiphop starts with Alt rappers Die Antwoord, as alien babies Peebo & Quiggles.

[Cut to Jim Parsons and Die Antwoord members doing voiceover. Jim Parsons is scared of them.]

[Cut to animated movie clips]

Be sure to download the Home 2 soundtrack, featuring the hit single, Hustle Home.

[Cut to Jim Parsons singing]

Jim Parsons: [singing] Hustle home…

[Nicki Minaj comes in]

Nicki Minaj: [rapping] Don’t send me with a hustle
I’m the almighty hustler
They all must be talking
but nobody touch us

Male voice: Home 2. Coming this summer

Hollywood Game Night

Jane Lynch… Kate McKinnon

Kelly… Venessa Bayer

Vin Diesel… Taran Killam

Wynonna Judd… Aidy Bryant

Common … Jay Pharoah

Eddie… Kyle Mooney

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Wanda Sykes… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[Cut to the game stage]

Jane Lynch: Yes! Yes! You’re watching Hollywood Game Night. I am Jane Lynch. Men’s warehouse was right. I do like the way I look. Here’s how the show works. We pair two regular people with celebrities and they play series of dumb games for a chance to win $25,000. Let’s meet the team from Tulsa, it’s Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly]

Kelly: Woo! Let’s do this, Jane!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Settle! Playing for Kelly from Furious 7, we got Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: No. I’m Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yikes! Yikes! Country music legend, Wynonna Judd.

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Oh, am I on TV? Well, let me brush my hair so I look good for mama. Oh, not to brag, but this is the same brush they use on horses.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And finally we got Oscar winning musician, Common.

[Cut to Common]

Common: I play tonight on behalf of every black man who was ever struggle. Look how far we’ve come, brothers. Here I am, on top of the mountain.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Whoof! Keep climbing. Alright, we’re gonna meet our other team, it’s Eddie.

[Cut to Eddie]

Eddie: Hey, Jane. I’m psyched to be here.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And I am psyched to be done with Glee. Yes! Playing for Eddie from Parks and Recreation, it’s Nick Offerman and his mustache.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: What? It’s back? I shaved it 10 minutes ago.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: French actress and Oscar winner, the beautiful Marion Cotillard.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: Oh, Jane, that’s so nice of you. In France, I am considered 7, but here in America I am… um, you see… 300!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yeah. And finally stand up comedy legend, we got Wanda Sykes.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: That’s right. I am a legend. The hell am I doing here?

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Alright, let’s get into our first game. It’s called Hollywoof. We’ll take a movie poster, replace the actors with dogs and you guess the film. That’s a real game that will be played by the millionaires. Let’s see the clue, time starts now.

[A poster of Titanc appears on the game screen, but the actors are replaced by the dogs.]

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: I got this! Dog Boat!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Jane, I know the answer and I’d like to give it in the form of a 7 minute song about the lord. [singng] He left me up…

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Common. Do you know the movie?

[Cut to Common]

Common: Selma.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Unrecognized once again! Why not Selma? That is the question we have been asking ourselves! But we must be brave this day. Glory!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: My god! It’s Titanic! Oh! Eddie’s team, the next game is called Namous Fames. We jumbled the letters of celebrities’ names and you guess who it is. It’s created by the adults who were fed up of their work. Here’s the clue, time starts now.

[The screen shows “Brad Ttip” on the screen.]

Nick Offerman, you’re up!

[Cut to Nick Offerman. He has more mustache now.]

What the hell?

Nick Offerman: Jane, it appears my mustache is still growing. It cannot be stopped. And Jane, it’s angry.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: I do not know the answer, but we simply must win because if we lose I will cry, and when I cry, I cry in French like this.

[The video turns black and white and has old movie effect]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Wanda, you’re a smart woman. Tell me who this is.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: This is so easy. You got an A, B, R and A. Couple of Ts, so it’s obvious who that is. it’s Raba TT.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Who is Raba TT?

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: I don’t know. You wrote the clue! Tall ass white lady asking me who Raba TT is.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: The answer is Brad freaking Pitt. Okay, since no one’s done anything right, it’s time for the tie breaker. Each team picks a celebrity to represent them. Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly and Vin Diesel]

Kelly: I’ll go with Vin Diesel because he’s breathing so hard. I think he needs to get up and move around.

[Cut to Eddie’s team]

Eddie: I’m gonna pick Wanda Sykes.

Wanda Sykes: Yeah, of course you do. Looking at this sad ass couch, I would have picked me too.

[Cut to everybody. Vin Diesel and Wanda Sykes walk to Jane Lynch.]

Jane Lynch: Alright, here’s the game. I’m gonna give you the beginning of a movie quote, you finish it. Oh, Vin baby, you’re first. Let’s do this. Luke, I am your…

Vin Diesel: Worst nightmare!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Okay. Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Finish the line. I feel the need, the need…

Wanda Sykes: To leave. I don’t like the way this man is looking at me. He looks like a big toe on a t-shirt. All these people be crazy… which is inside of my new stand up special coming soon to HBO, yeah baby!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Alright. Enough! Enough! This has been Hollywood Game Night. I’m Jane Lynch and I’m getting out of here right this second. Boom!

[End]

Hillary Clinton Election Video Cold Open

Christina… Venessa Bayer

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with The Clinton Residence, Chappaqua, New York.]

Christina: Okay, tomorrow’s the big day, Mrs. Clinton.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton in the Clinton Residence.]

[cheers and applause]

You’re finally going to announce that you’re running for president.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, my gosh! I don’t know if I have it in me. I’m scared. I’m kidding. Let’s do this. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Christina: [laughing] Oh, Hillary, you put the hill in hilarious. [Cut to Christina] Now, since we’re announcing your candidacy via social media, we thought it would be fun if you’d actually film the video yourself, on your own phone. [Christina pulls out an old generation mobile phone] That way it seems more personal and intimate.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Personal and intimate, yes. I better take off this jacket then.

[Hillary Clinton opens her coat.]

Christina: That’s much better. Now, I want you to do some vocal warm ups and then we’ll get started.

[Hillary Clinton is taking deep breaths.]

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Love to.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

[clears throat]

Hillary’s a granny with a twinkle in her eye.

Hillary’s a granny and she makes an apple pie.

First female president. First female president. Me, me, me, me, me, me.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Christina: Graet, Mrs. Clinton. Okay, now hold up your phone. And you can just look natural.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

[Cut to Hillary’s selfie video. She is making aggressive teeth face.]

Christina: Maybe, you wanna soften a little.

[Hillary Clinton closes her mouth a little]

Okay, a little more.

[Now, Hillary Clinton is just smiling]

Okay, maybe a lot more.

[Hillary Clinton is pouting]

Great, and action!

Hillary Clinton: [aggressive again] Citizens, you will elect me. I will be your leader.

Christina: Okay, great. [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] Let’s stop there.

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Okay.

Christina: Ma’am. I think you may be coming off. It’s just a little hard.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, shoot! What part?

Christina: Sort of, all of it. But that’s okay. Let’s try again. And remember, you said this new campaign is not about you, it’s about the people. So, let’s try one where you don’t say I or even your own name.

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Oh, that will be easy. Got it.

[Cut to selfie video of Hillary Clinton]

Hello, it is I, Hillary Clinton.

Christina: Let’s stop again.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

You said ‘I’ and you full name immediately.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, oh shit! I did!

Christina: Yes, but don’t worry. We’ll just delete that one up your phone.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Know a thing or two about that, right?

[Christina and Hillary Clinton laugh]

Oh, Christina, meet my hand in the air.

[Hillary Clinton gives her hand for a high-five.]

Christina: Okay.

[They high-five]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you so much. Yes. Good, good.

Christina: Okay, let’s keep going. This time, maybe focus in all that you’ve done for women’s rights.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, okay. That’s good.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]
Hillary Clinton: I am running because I want to be a voice for women everywhere.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Did someone say women everywhere?

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, Bill. Hello, Bill. Ha-ha-ha.

Bill Clinton: Hillary would make a great President. And I would make an ever greater First Dude.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you Bill. It’s nice.

Bill Clinton: Hillary, isn’t it crazy that phones can take videos now?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bill Clinton: I mean, if they could have done that in the 90s, I’d be in jail.

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Great Bill. I love jokes about that.

[Hillary Clinton pushes Bill Clinton away]

Bill Clinton: Okay. I get it. This election is about you. I don’t want to hold your limelight. I am leaving. Look at me go. Bye, I’m gone.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Hillary Clinton: Aren’t we such a fun approachable dynasty?

Christina: Alright, um… [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] you know what? Let’s refocus on your candidacy. And remember, the new Hillary is humble and gracious.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, got it.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]

I know this election season won’t be easy. I’m sure I will face some stiff competition from my fellow democrats. People like Martin O’Malley who could really give me a run [starts laughing] I’m sorry I broke. It’s too funny. Martin O’Malley instead of me. He sounds like a Simpsons character. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Okay. Let me keep going. At the end of the day, America, you deserve a leader who cares about you. And that is why I would make a great president.

[Bill Clinton walks in again]

Bill Clinton: And surprise, I will be her VP. And if anything happens to her… god forbid, I will happily be president of the United States again. It will be Bill Clinton II, bigger and blacker.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, buddy! Bill, Bill!

Bill Clinton: Alright, okay.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Hillary Clinton: He’s joking, America. My vice president of course will be me.

Christina: Okay. [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] Ma’am! Once again, you can’t be your own vice president.

Hillary Clinton: We will see about that.

Christina: Well, let’s just jump to the end of the speech, okay?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]

Hillary Clinton: In closing, I am so excited for the next chapter in American history. And I promise that with Hillary Clinton in charge, it will be a brand new White House.

[Bill Clinton walks in again, this time playing a sax.]

Oh, who am I kidding? Buckle up America, coz the Clintons are back! And live from New York

Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton: It’s Saturday Night!

Depend Legends

Venessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

[Starts with an upset old man sitting on a couch.]

Venessa: What’s wrong with dad?

Beck: He refuses to wear is hold diapers. But I think he keeps having accidents.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: [smiles] Let me handle this.

[Cut to Venessa and Old man]

Old man: I am not wearing those things. They’re for kids.

Venessa: Are they?

[Venessa hands Old man a diaper with Clark Gable’s picture on it]

Old man: Clark Gable?

Male voice: It can be embarrassing to talk to your parents about adult diapers. But now, it’s a lot easier with Depend Legends.

[Cut to Venessa, Beck and Old man. Venessa hands over Old man a pack of Depend Legends diapers.]

Featuring illustrations of their favorite figures from history and their golden age of television. Like, Micky Mantle, Jack Paar and the clown prince of the piano, Victor Borge.

[Cut to Venessa and Old man]

Venessa: Depend Legends are great. He’s not embarrassed about wearing diapers anymore.

Old man: Why should I be embarrassed? I just went on Ms. Bettie Page.

Male voice: Depend Legends come in a variety of new styles your parents will love. the greatest generation collection, masterpieces of art and architecture, and newsmen and news makers.

[Cut to Old man showing a picture on his diaper that he is wearing to Venessa and Beck]

Old man: That’s Joseph Welch confronting senator McCarthy on live television. Have you no sense of decency?

Male voice: Collect them all and trade them with friends. [Cut to Old man exchanging his diapers with his friend] And for those with more contemporary taste, Depend Legends is introducing it’s stars of syndication line with Castle, all the female DAs from law and order, and Tony Shalhoub.

[Cut to Old man talking to his family about the diaper.]

Old man: On a diaper? That’s the last place a monk wants to be.

Male voice: Depend Legends. Make history, in your pants.

Connectatron

Xandar… Taran Killam

Dutch… Bobby Moynihan

Evelyn… Cecily Strong

Dante… Jay Pharoah

Mevis… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Connectatron intro]

[Cut to a half shark half dinosaur monster destroying the city. It’s a resemblance of Power Rangers.]

[Cut to Xandar wearing red suit]

Xandar: Oh, no! Zelda used his grow magic of that Shark-a-saur. Now, it’s destroying downtown.

[Cut to Dutch wearing yellow suit]

Dutch: He just crushed my favorite Hogi shop. Let me have him.

[Cut to Evelyn wearing pink suit]

Evelyn: It’s no use. Our ships are so weak against him.

[Cut to Dante wearing blue suit]

Dante: You all thinking what I’m thinking?

[Cut to the Tronners]

Xandar: Tronners, time to connect! Forming head and torso. Evelyn, attach right arm.

Evelyn: Comes up to that.

Xandar: Dante, attach left arm.

Dante: Happy to lend a hand.

Xandar: Dutch, attach right leg.

Dutch: You can lean on me.

Xandar: Mevis, attach left leg.

Mevis: No.

Xandar: Mevis, we need you to form Connectatron.

Mevis: I’m not stopping you.

Xandar: No, you literally are. We can’t move without you.

Dante: Shark-a-saur is attacking.

[Cut to Shark-a-saur attacking one legged Connectatron]

Xandar: Mevis, please! Please help us. Tell us what happened?

Mevis: Ask Dutch.

Dutch: What did I do?

Mevis: Why don’t you tell everybody what happened in the hallway?

Dutch: I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.

Mevis: You bumped me and I spilled kombucha on my jacket.

Xandar: Dutch! Just apologize!

Dutch: Boy! I’m sorry!

Xandar: Okay, great! Attach left leg.

Mevis: Excuse me? Xander! Don’t you shout, coz you know you… hitting this thing.

[Other Tronners are laughing]

Xandar: Baby. please.

Mevis: Oh! So, now I’m baby when Shark-a-saur is winning.

Dante: Shield’s down to 15%. Hurry!

Xandar: Mevis. Please! Attach, we can’t do this without you.

Mevis: Let me control the head.

Xandar: Mevis, the cosmic being entrusted me with the responsibility–

Mevis: I’m not asking the cosmic being. I’m asking you baby! Let me control the head.

Dante: 2%!

Xandar: Okay, fine!

Mevis: Attaching!

[Cut to Shark-a-saur and Connectatron. Connectatron is now standing well.]

[Cut to Xandar. Mevis walks in and takes his chair.]

Alright, it’s on now! Take my rings off to whip your ass!

[Cut to Shark-a-saur and Connectatron. Connectatron beats Shark-a-saur.]

[The end]

Cinema Classics Their Own League

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Coach… Taran Killam

Katty… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Taraji P. Henson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese D’What? The Natural, Field of Dreams, movie celebrating America’s past time have inspired and entertained audiences for decades. Sadly tonight’s film entitled, “Their Own League” is a forgotten example of the genre. Why is it forgotten? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m not a good guesser. Ask my wife. She recently asked me to guess what she was going to do to me in bed. And I said, “I don’t know. Let me be.” Let us take a look at a scene from “Their Own League”.

[Cut to a scene from the movie]

[Cut to a coach yelling at his players. The players are females.]

Coach: You dang girls. How am I supposed to coach this team with nothing but a bunch of dang girls.

[Katty stands before Coach and wipes her tears]

Are you sobbing? There is no sobbing in baseball! This is pathetic. I’m gonna go drink Coca-cola that still has cocaine in it.

[Coach leaves. Cecily walks to Katty]

Cecily: Hey, don’t let him get you down, Katty. He’s just a big old bully.

Katty: Maybe he’s right. Maybe girls shouldn’t play baseball.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Of course he’s not right.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Yeah, we should be aloud.

Aidy: Yeah, we can play this game as well as any man.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: You mean it?

Cecily: I sure do! Now say it! Women can play baseball.

Katty: Women can play baseball.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Women can play baseball.

Aidy: Women can play baseball.

[Taraji walks in. She is wearing very lady-like dress and a hat.]

Taraji: So, can I play baseball?

[Everyone looks at her not wanting to answer the question]

[Cut to Taraji]

What? What is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: It’s just–

Kate: We kind of already have the woman thing. You know? Don’t really want to complicate it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Oh, I get it. It’s coz I’m black.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, no. It’s not that.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Then what is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, it’s that.

Katty: People are actually pretty ticked that we are doing it. Imagine if… you know it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Darling, face it. It’s coz you’re not a classic beauty like the rest of us.

Aidy: No, no.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: That’s not it.

Kate: Look, we’re gonna pave the way for black women in professional baseball. But it’s gonna take time.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. Come on, you know the plan. Like, first white women are allowed to play baseball. Then black men are allowed to play. Then all women are allowed to play under hand with a big softball like a child.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy and Taraji]

Bobby: Yeah. That’s a good plan.

[Leslie walks in. She is tall and looks more athletic.]

Leslie: What about me? Can I play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Oh, this blows coz we can really use her in our team.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy, Taraji and Leslie]

Aidy: Yeah, forget about the team. We could use her in the war.

Bobby: Yeah, send her overseas to kill some crouts.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie]

Leslie: So, You saying I could play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: Okay, okay. Here’s the thing. While our husbands are away, we are the racists.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie

Taraji: Look, ladies. Whether you like it or not, black, white, we are all women. And we’re all in this together.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: hey, maybe she’s right, girls. Maybe they should be allowed to play.

[Cut to everybody]

Taraji: Really?

Cecily: Yeah!

Girls: Yeah!

[Coach walks in]

Coach: Alright! Listen up. I got some good news. The war’s over. The men are coming home, so get off the dang field and never come back!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Sadly, Their Own League never made it to theaters as it was sued for copyright infringement by the makers of ‘A League Of Their Own’, which came out two years earlier. Youch! For Cinema Classics, I have been Reese D’What?

[The end]

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on The Walking Dead Season Finale (ft. Norman Reedus)

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Norman Reedus

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Over a 15 million people tuned in to the hit zombie drama, The Walking Dead this past Sunday. Here to give us a spoiler free recap of that big season 5 finale is our own resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: How is it going, Pete? So, now, what did you think of this big Walking Dead finale?

Pete Davidson: It scared me, Colin. It scared me bad. I’m kind of like freaking out right now.

Colin Jost: You are? Well, just take it easy. I mean, it’s just a show.

Pete Davidson: Is it? Or is it a glimpse of our near future? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes I smoke a little weed.

[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah, yeah. We know. Because we have noses.

Pete Davidson: Ah! Then you see my problem. [Cut to Pete Davidson] The zombie apocalypse is coming and odds are I’m gonna be stoned when it happens. Especially if it happens during the hours of day time or night time. So, this is not gonna go well. First off, it will probably take me hours… for me to even notice what’s going on. I’ll be like, “Wow. Ms. Kar Michael from downstairs can’t keep her hands off me today. But hold up. Isn’t she like, 88? And hold up, didn’t she like used to have a jaw? And hey, remember jawbreakers? I love that candy. Candy, sugary sweet.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost. Colin Jost is clueless.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And then what happens?

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. That’s the problem. I’ll probably be wandering around in search of candy and I’ll stagger in to like, some survivor’s camp, and then they’re gonna shoot me, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, they’re not gonna shoot you.

Pete Davidson: When I’m high, it’s really easy to mistake me for a zombie, you know? [Cut to Pete Davidson] My eyes are glazed and bloodshot. I’m sluggish. I’m hunched over and shuffling coz that’s how I walk normally.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you know Pete, if you’re that worried about it, you could always just stop smoking pot.

Pete Davidson: I came to you for help, Colin. Alright? There’s a zombie apocalypse going on and you’re being a real ass.

Colin Jost: Well, I think you’re being kind of paranoid. And honestly, I have to ask, did you smoke a little before you came out here? Is that what happened?

Pete Davidson: [smiles] Maybe! Are you wearing three different kinds of hair product?

Colin Jost: Maybe. Listen, there’s nothing to worry about Pete. Okay? I’m sure you would never be mistaken for a zombie.

[Pete Davidson turns towards Colin Jost]

Pete Davidson: Really? You sure?

Colin Jost: Yes, sure. I’m positive.

Pete Davidson: Coz I’m like, really worried about it. I hope not–

Colin Jost: Absolutely. I think you’re totally fine.

[Pete Davidson gets shot by an arrow.]

Pete Davidson: Ouch!

[Norman Reedus walks in]

Norman Reedus: Don’t worry, don’t worry! [talking to Colin] You gotta be careful buddy, he was about to go for your throat.

Colin Jost: No, no, no. Daryl Dixon, he’s not a zombie.

Norman Reedus: Really?

Colin Jost: Ya.

Norman Reedus: What about this complexion? Ain’t no living thing got that color. And he’s so slow moving. I’m confused.

Pete Davidson: It’s just good weed, man!

Norman Reedus: So, wait a minute. You telling me I just shot an ordinary person?

Colin Jost: Ya!

Norman Reedus: Huh! What about that dude in the elevator?

Colin Jost: Where in the elevator?

Norman Reedus: Never mind.

Pete Davidson: I’d just like to point out that there’s an arrow in my chest. And I feel no pain coz this weed is fire!

Norman Reedus: You’re gonna be fine, buddy! Come on, walk it off.

Pete Davidson: Ay, you’re the dude from The Boondock Saints!

Norman Reedus: And you’re the dude who’s gonna show me where that weed is. Come on!

Colin Jost: Yeah! Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus, everyone!

[Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus leave]

Weekend Update Jebidiah Atkinson Reviews Television Shows

Michael Che

Jebidia Atkinson… Taran Killam

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New seasons of the critically acclaimed series Mad Men and the Game of Thrones will begin soon. And many are saying we are in a golden age of television. Here with his reviews of some of these hit shows is a man who has been around longer than TV itself, 1860s newspaper critic, Jebidia Atkinson.

[Jebidia Atkinson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jebidia Atkinson: Thank you Michael, for that [sarcastically] enthusiastic introduction. So good to be back.

Michael Che: So, Jebidia, have you been keeping up with all these big TV shows?

Jebidia Atkinson: Of course I have, Michael. And as always, you’ll find my reviews to be perfectly moderate and totally rational.

Michael Che: You know, I was worried about that.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

Jebidia Atkinson: [clears throat] [yellng] All TV is excument. Mad Men, the most likeable character in this show is cigarettes. Hey AMC, if I wanted to know what life is like in the 1960s, I’d move to Indiana. Oh! I’ve been around a long time, it’s never been a great state.

Game of Thrones, oh great! A softcore porn with 100 hours of back story. At least in porn, you know how it’s gonna finish. Oh, and George R. R. Martin, you better hurry up and write those books, because from the look of you, winter is coming.

And House of Cards. The only thing lazier than the writing is Kevin Spacey’s attempt to solve the accent. Uh! And when he makes those turns to camera, I haven’t witnesses shots that jarring since the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Wait, Jebidia. You were at the even that started World War I?

Jebidia Atkinson: Of course I was, Michael. But I prefer the sequel.

Michael Che: Come on! Jebi–

Jebidia Atkinson: Oh, what? World War II wasn’t a better war?

Michael Che: That’s pretty harsh, man! There must be some shows that you do like.

Jebidia Atkinson: [yelling] I haven’t liked any television ever! [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] It’s been 80 years of mind-poisoning rrrefuse, and I’ve rrrrreviewed it all! Herrrrre. Refuse from the archives.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m listening.

Jebidia Atkinson: Thanks. [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] I want your full attention, Michael. The West Wing, the best lines on that show are the ones that went up Sorkin’s nose. Next! [Jebidia Atkinson throws the flash card he has.]

Good distance on that one.

Cheers, where everybody knows your name, from the AA meetings. Next!

Oh, and Lost! Sure it started out good, but I haven’t seen a final season that bad since Joe Paterno’s.

Oh! Oh! Oh! If you don’t like that joke, just do as Joe did in “Turn A Blind Eye”.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on! You don’t like anything on TV? What about like a classic comedy? Like Seinfeld?

Jebidia Atkinson: Ah! Seinfeld. I’d rather watch Michael Richards do stand up at the Apollo. [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] That’s right. I haven’t forgiven him yet. Hey Kramer, I can say an N word too… Next! [Jebidia Atkinson throws the flash card he has.] Keep that for souvenir.

Saturday Night Live. The same tired characters repeating the same tired catch phrases. Next!

The Honeymooners. A greedy depiction of a bus driver from the slums who abuses his wife. It’s a comedy? [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che] And who is the genius who said, “Oh, this is great. Let’s turn it into a cartoon, set it in the stone age when women had it even harder time?”

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

And now, we come to the worst television show of all time, I Love Lucy. But I don’t think I should do this joke after the audience rioted over the Paterno joke.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You know what? I don’t think you should–

Jebidia Atkinson: [interrupting and yelling] Well, I’m going to, Michael! It’s my thing.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

I Love Lucy. Hey, Lucy, you got some explaining to do like why you’d stay married to a man who rafted over from Cuba just to crush your dreams? They should have called this show, “I Love Lucy’s Ability To Get Me A Green Card.”

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Jebidia Atkinson, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Barbara Walters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: ABC is denying that Barbara Walters wants to replace Rosie O’Donnell with Monica Lewinsky on ‘The View’. Said an ABC spokesman, “We have not had contractual relations with that woman. Maybe an old remit, but that doesn’t count.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a shape-shifting metal at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers in China have developed shape-shifting liquid metal machines, while researchers here in the US have developed a breakfast sandwich with [Picture changes to a Taco Bell Hash Brow] the hash browns on the inside. So, good luck with your real life version of a dude from the Terminator, China! We’ll be here in America eating Tacos for breakfast.

[Picture changes to candies, flowers and a calendar marked on April-5]

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. So, to all you Christians out there, happy Easter. And to the Jews, nice try!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a kid smoking cigarette and Indonesian flag on right top corner.]

Michael Che: You just started a holy war. The parents of a 6 year old Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking say that he is cut down to 5 cigarettes a day. That’s very impressive considering how stressed he has been at the sneaker factory.

[Picture changes to a brothel house]

Nevada’s  fame Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel is searching for a quality control tester who will be paid to have sex with prostitutes and rate their performance. The prostitutes will be graded from a scale from “F” to “Don’t F”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a pregnant woman and Uber logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Brooklyn gave birth in the back of an Uber car on the way to the hospital. This according to a zero-star review from the next passenger.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Hello everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

President Obama announced that a deal has been reached with Iran on their nuclear program that would leave sanctions and prevent the country from making a nuclear weapon. Because nuclear weapon should only be enhanced of responsible nations like, Britain, or France, [Picture changes to Vladimir Putin riding a horse shirtless.] or a country run by a Bond villain. [Picture changes to Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman] Or Dennis Rodman’s booty call. [Picture changes to a map of China] Or these human enthusiasts. Or the one country that’s actually used them. [Picture changes to map of USA.] Ay, it was only twice! It’s important to know that this deal is not a treaty and won’t be put onto writing until June. But when it comes to preventing nuclear holocaust, the last thing I wanna hear is, [pointing to his head] Don’t worry. I got it all up here.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of USA flag and Israel flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There’s concern in Washington that the nuclear deal with Iran is gong to hurt relations between the US and Israel. But our relationship is going to be fine. The US and Israel is like buddy cops in an action movie. [Picture changes to a photo of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover from the movie Lethal Weapon.] We were forced to be partners. We have very different methods of keeping the peace, and we blow up a ton of stuff in the process. Oh yeah, [Picture changes to Danny Glover and Barack Obama] and one of us is getting too old for this. And yes, [Picture changes to Mel Gibson and Benjamin Netanyahi] I am aware that Benjamin Netanyahu would probably be pretty upset that in this analogy he is Mel Gibson. But he definitely wouldn’t be as upset as Mel Gibson.

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

Despite Hillary Clinton’s claims that she used her personal email while Secretary of State to avoid carrying more than one device. A new report shows that she emailed with her iPad in addition to her Blackberry. Even more alarming, her email signature was “Sent fro my Benghazi cover up device.”

[Picture changes to Robert Menendez]

New Jersey senator Robert Menendez was indicted this week on federal corruption charges. It’s no surprise considering that a senator taking a bribe [Picture chnges to seal logo of State of New Jersey] is the New Jersey state seal.

[Cut to Michael Che. Thre’s a picture

Michael Che: For the first time in nearly 20 years, Tyga Woods is not ranked in the list of the top 100 golfers in the world. This according to a recent toast, “An all white country club.”