Tag: season 42

Thanksgiving Parade

Nate… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Woody balloon… Mikey Day

Madeline balloon… Kristen Wiig

Clown balloon… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with short video clip of Macy’s parade]

[Cut to Nate with his friends at an apartment. There are two kids playing.]

Nate: So, does this beat thanksgiving in Pennsylvania or what?

Kyle: You know, it’s really nice. Thanks again for having us.

Nate: Hey, when my baby brother says Rugrats want to come to Unkie Nate’s apartment and see the parade balloons up close, I answered with a resounding, “No, prob.” But seriously, how about this pad, huh? Damn! Would you kill for this place or what?

Vanessa: It’s really something, Nate. I don’t even want to know how much you paid for this place.

Nate: And… I don’t wanna tell you. [laughing] But it’s $28,500 a month.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Alright, that’s enough, Nate!

Nate: Oh, look who finally decided to join the living? Sleep well, Tess?

Cecily: You know what? It’s just too early for like, the full ‘Nate’ right now. Okay? [to the kids] Hey you guys, did I miss the balloons?

Vanessa: Oh, no. I think they’re starting now.

Kyle: [to the kids] Ooh, guys, hey look. It’s Woody from Toy Story.

[Woody balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh, my gosh. Look, you guys. Oh, wow, he’s right there. Say hi to Woody, kids. Oh, my god. Hey, this is so incredible.

Nate: I know, right? It’s even got steam shower.

Cecily: She’s not talking about the apartment, Nate.

Nate: She should be, it’s sick.

Vanessa: Oh, look! I think another balloon is coming.

Kyle: Oh, yes. it’s Madeline.

[Madeline balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh my gosh! She’s my favorite. You guys, I used to love those books.

[the balloon turns toward them]

Kyle: Hi! Guys! Hi, Madeline.

Vanessa: Hi. Um, is she getting closer?

Kyle: Yeah, um, you know what? It’s probably just the wind.

Vanessa: Um, does that normally happen, Nate?

Nate: I don’t know. I usually go to the Islands for thanksgivings, but um… [gets scared of the balloon as it’s too close] Whow!

Kyle: It’s okay, kids. It’s just a little windy and that makes it hard for the people on the ground to control the balloons.

[Madeline balloon passes. A clown ballon comes in.]

Nate: Oh my god! Oh, no!

Vanessa: Ah! It’s horrifying.

Kyle: It’s just one of those vintage balloon. Vintage balloons, they’re bringing back this year, guys.

Vanessa: I don’t know if I like seeing the balloons so close.

[Woody balloon and Madeline balloon also comes in]

Kyle: Wait, it seem to be sort of… they’re bunching up together. What’s happening?

Nate: Yeah. Yeah. I see the hold up. Kristen Chenoweth is singing some sort of song down there.

Vanessa: Oh, okay, let’s go by uncle Nate. Maybe you can see better. Okay? Let’s go right over here.

[Vanessa pulls their kids to another corner. As they move, the balloons turn their heads wherever they’re moving.]

Are they following us?

Cecily: Alright, um, yap. Yap, they’re definitely following us.

Vanessa: Honey, the kids are scared. Can you–

Kyle: Yes. Yes. Of course. I know they’re kind of scary up close, okay? But there is nothing to be afraid of.

Vanessa: Why don’t these balloons just leave.

[The other balloons are gone. But now, there’s a girl in Madeline balloons hand.]

Is that stupid song done yet?

Nate: Oh, man! Somebody got tangled up in Madeline’s cables.

[The girl is screaming]

Cecily: Oh my god! Is that Kristen Chenoweth?

Vanessa: Oh, that poor woman. She is so small.

Kyle: Kids, kids, Kristen Chenoweth is going to be fine. Okay?

[Kristen Chenoweth falls]

Okay, you know. Um, let’s go. Let’s go to bedroom and watch TV. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Nate: So much for defying gravity.

Cecily: Nate!

[Woody balloon and clown balloon are tangled together like they’re having sex.]

Nate: What the hell is happening.

[The End]

Target Commercial

[Target commercial for Thanksgiving starts]

Female voice: It’s thanksgiving, and as always, Target has your whole family covered. Whether you need festive home decor, last minute bakeware, or even a turkey. And if you’re home for the first time since the election, Target’s got what you need the most. A big empty parking lot you can just come sit in for a sec.

[A woman pulls over at the parking lot and takes a deep breath.]

With over 500 beautiful empty spots as far as the eye can see, Target’s parking lot is the perfect place to stare out, band your head on your steering wheel, or text a friend “I honestly can’t with them today.” You can even put your seat all the way flat and then put it back up again. That took a couple of seconds. Or turn off your car’s ignition and just look at your breath for a while. And while you’re there, why not make eye contact with a stranger in another car? And without either of you saying a word, communicate the entire story of your day.

Wanna kill more time? Head inside. You can wander at clothes Aisle and think to yourself, “Oh, yeah, Masimo.” Plop down by our bras and add random numbers on your calculator. Or go to our toy section and just lay down back there. And here’s a tip, check out the play dough.  Open the blue one, and surprise, we hid a flask in there for you. Bottoms up, girl. You deserve it. So this thanksgiving, tell your parents you’re going to brag something from Target real quick, come kick it, then go home and tell them they didn’t have it. It’ll be our little secret. Target. Buy yourself some time.

Target staff: You do have to pay for all this, though.

Woman: What?

Surprise Lady- Thanksgiving

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Paul… Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a group of adults gathered for thanksgiving.]

Cecily: Okay, you guys, can I haver your attention? First, just so I don’t have to tell you all individually coz I know you’re all gonna ask, yes, everything in this house is from Pier one. Okay? Everything. Second, and this is slightly more important, my brother Paul got special holiday leave from the military and he is going to be here tonight for thanksgiving dinner.

Bobby: That’s amazing.

Mikey: Oh, wow.

Aidy: That’s wonderful.

Cecily: It gets better. We didn’t tell mom. She has no idea. We’re gonna surprise her.

Sue: [looking very excited] Oh!

Aidy: She is going to be shocked.

Bobby: Yeah. I can’t wait to see her face.

Sue: Oh, my god!

Mikey: This was a great idea. What do you need us to dy?

Cecily: Well, we have a whole thing planned out.

Sue: [excited and squeaky voice] Oh, my god! It’s a surprise? And there’s a plan? She doesn’t know it?

Leslie: Sue, are you alright?

Sue: Yes. [breathing heavy] I just love surprises. So freaking f-ing excited.

Cecily: Okay. So, Paul’s waiting right now at our neighbor’s house. As soon as mom is here, I’ll text him to come in and surprise her. Um, Sue?

[Sue is too excited]

Sue: Don’t you see? Just gonna get here? Like, your son is overseas but he’s over there? Behind the door? And she’s surprised?

Bobby: Oh, I have an idea. Should I film it with my phone?

Sue: [loud voice] Yes!

Cecily: Okay. Well, anyway, I thought after mom gets here, we’ll start eating and then Paul–

Sue: Oh, god! What are we eating? Corn? Tell me, is it butter?

Mikey: Sue, Sue, everyone’s excited. But we have to keep it together.

Aidy: Yeah, when mom gets here we can’t act like anything out of the ordinary is happening. Everybody just has to act natural. Can you do that, Sue?

Sue: Natural, yes. Yes. I’ll just look at my hand. I don’t know. My legs are locking up. I’ll walk around.

[Sue stands up. Her legs are stiff. She is trying to walk around.]

Cecily: Well, you know, mom’s gonna be here any minute. How about, you know what? How about when she sees Paul, everyone just yell, “Surprise!”

Sue: My god! I forgot about the yelling.

[Sue falls down and breaks a pot]

Cecily: That pot is from Pier one.

Mikey: And, Sue, you’re ruining the surprise.

Sue: Ah! I’m just so freaking freaked. Oh! Okay, I think I know what’s gonna make me feel better. Can we do a practice surprise? I need to dry run.

Cecily: Okay, fine. I’ll be mom, right. We’re all acting natural right. The doorbell rings. She opens the door. Paul’s there and we all yell…

Sue: [screaming] Surprise! Surprise! Yeah! Oh, god!

Aidy: Sue!

[car sound]

Mikey: Oh, that’s her. That’s her. She’s coming.

Leslie: Okay, everyone be calm. By everyone, I mean Sue.

Bobby: Sue, just sit down, okay? If you feel like you’re gonna say anything, just put this pillow on your mouth.

[Sue immediately puts the pillow in her mouth]

[Cecily opens the door. Mom walks in]

Mom: Hi.

Cecily: Hi.

Mom: Happy thanksgiving, everyone. Am I the last one here?

Cecily: Um-hmm.

[everyone is shaking their heads.]

[Sue now has only small part of the pillow inside her mouth]

Leslie: Did you eat the pillow? Did you eat that whole pillow?

[Sue nods her head yes.]

Cecily: Okay, mom, dinner’s ready. Maybe, we should all sit down before it gets cold. [whispering to everyone else] He’s coming.

Sue: Oh, god! [whispering] He’s coming. Oh, god, here it comes.

Mikey: Shh, don’t!

Sue: Oh god, here it comes. It’s coming. Someone’s coming. No, they’re not. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Yeah, it’s camouflage, oh, god! Army. What? No, Paul. Yes.

Mom: Did she say something about Paul?

Cecily: No.

[doorbell ringing]

Mom: Oh, now who could that be?

[Sue is struggling to close her mouth]

Sue?

Bobby: Sue, you’re ruining it.

Sue: I gotta get out of here.

[Sue runs, grabs the turkey and throws it on the window to breaking it. She runs through the window.]

[Mom opens the door. Paul walks in.]

Paul: Surprise!

Mom: Oh, my goodness. Paul, you’re here.

Paul: Happy thanksgiving, mom. Surprise! And I have more news. I brought my boyfriend home.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Hi.

[Sue runs in again with the turkey on her head]

Sue: [yelling] I love same sex relationships.

[Sue holds Aidy’s hand and they both run out]

Secret Word with Kristen Wiig

Grant Chaod… Kenan Thompson

Lyle Round… Bill Hader

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Isabella Lolacopolla… Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with GSN channel program schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Quiz Pigz, but first, Secret Word.

Announcer: it’s time to play the game the stars play. Secret Word, with your host Grant, Choad!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

[cheers and applause]

Grant Chaod: Welcome to Secret Word. I am Grant Choad. It’s such a thrill to be taking over as a new host of this show, and to be America’s first eve black game show host. I think it happened because I auditioned over the phone. Over the phone. For those of you who are missing the previous host, Lyle Round, he recently retired Palm Springs and sent us this pre-recorded message for his fans.

[Cut to picture of Lyle Round]

Lyle Round: I’m sorry I’m not there. I stopped wanting to be. Alright!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

Grant Chaod: Thank you, Lyle. Enjoy your retirement. Okay, why don’t we meet our celebrities? Our first guest is a regular on this show and is best known for a work on the broadway stage. Please welcome, Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson comes in dancing]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hello. Hello. When I’m not doing this, I’m waiting to do this.

Grant Chaod: Oh, Mindy. You look amazing as always.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Melissa]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Grant. I lubed my lips with margarine and I’m wearing scotch tape on my temples to hold my face up.

[Grant Chaod laughing]

Grant Chaod: Terrific. Well, we’re very lucky to have our next celebrity. She is the Italian star of such movies as ‘Il Bastardo’ and ‘La Vida Pizza’. Please welcome Italian bombshell,Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in]

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s so good to be here. Oh, my god, look. [Mindy Elise Grayson holds a puppy] Look, my little Bambino followed me out here. [to puppy] Why you no listen to me, hah? Go home. Go. You want more than I can give, baby. Come on. Go.

[The dog runs out]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Well, that chihuahua really loves you. I can’t say that I blame him.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, [slaps Grant Chaod] watch your mouth. I’m sorry baby, I love you, don’t be mad at me.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Oh, you’re an emotional jack in the box. Let’s begin the game. Mindy, are you ready?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, yes. Just let me do my vocal warm up. Tanya told the teacher that the preacher didn’t touch her. La, la, la. The preacher told the teacher that he simply couldn’t reach her. Let’s play.

Grant Chaod: 10 seconds on the clock, Mindy.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Branch’.

Mindy Elise Grayson: [thinking] Alright. Alright. Look at me. This one’s easy.

Grant Chaod: Remember Mindy, do not say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I think I’ve played this game enough to know the rules. I know. You’re new but I’ve got this covered. Branch.

[buzzer]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hah! She said the secret word, huh?

Bobby: Oh, okay. Just relax!

[Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, you, be a man.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, um, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, I did. I did. It’s the actress in me. I see a word and I bring it to life. Just like I did in the play “She Stoops to Concord: The Story of a Legless Grape Picker.” [acting] Mama! Mama! I picked all the grapes. Could someone throw me on the truck? Why didn’t you tell me I didn’t have legs?

The New York time said, “Bad!”

Grant Chaod: Alright. Let’s go over to Isabella’s team. Isabella, are you going to give or receive?

Mindy Elise Grayson: I will give until there’s nothing left to give.

Grant Chaod: Oh! Well, that will cook my spaghetti. 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Bird.’

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s Bird. [buzzer] Hey, what’s the matter with you, huh? I tell you what it is and you sit there like a donkey in the square.

Bobby: I’m sorry. Just please don’t hit me again.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! But I want to. [Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Isabella, you said the secret word. I can’t give you a point. Well, Mindy, I guess it’s your turn again.

Melissa: Maybe you should receive this time?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! The last time I received was after a drunken night with producer Darryl Zanuck. Yes. He made me cover my face with one of Elizabeth Taylor’s publicity photos. I just wish there had been eyeholes.

Grant Chaod: Yeah, we don’t need a story every time. Let’s put 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is Floral.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Alright. Um, this is a nice word. It’s what you give on a opening night.

Melissa: Champagne?

Mindy Elise Grayson: No. It’s what you give the director for casting you in the show.

Melissa: A card.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah, right. I didn’t wanna get graphic. It’s when you undo his tuxedo zipper and sing into his pink friend.

Grant Chaod: What?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh! Wait. I got some hand creme on the screen. it’s Floral, not oral. I did oral.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, you said the secret word again. And you also said “Pink friend”

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yeah. I know I did. I blew it, yes, I did. Just like I blew all my lines in the musical, “Saimese Sally and the Pad Thai Clan.” Here’s the 11 o’clock number, hit it.

[music playing]

[singing] who’s hungry for spring rolls, Siam, Siam
who’s brining tom yums, Siam, Siam

Grant Chaod: Stop it! Stop that! We’ll be back after this message from our sponsor, Winston Baby Cigarettes. We’ll be right back.

QVC Auditions

Joyce Childers… Cecily Strong

Joe… Bobby Moynihan

Christie Berkie… Kristen Wiig

Louis… Beck Bennett

[Starts with video title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Joyce Childers in her closet]

Joyce Childers: Hi, I am Joyce Childers and I am making this video in order to audition reel for the guest host position at QVC. As you can see, we are in my closet because, my forte is closet. Well, organization in closet. And I am realizing right now that my panties are all behind my head. And now I look like a pantie addict. Thanks, Joe!

Joe: What? I thought it was good.

Joyce Childers: It’s not good, Joe. And now you’re in my shot. So, let’s just do it again. Please, just let’s do it again.

[Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]

Christie Berkie: Hi. I’m Christie Berkie. And this is my audition reel for guest host for QVC. Right away, I just wanna say I do know that my friend and neighbor Joyce Childers is auditioning as well. She is an amazing person. But I do think she is– no. I’m not gonna say anything bad. No. I’ll just say that all of my friends think that– no. I just said I wasn’t gonna say anything bad. She is what she is. You can always just google her, which I think you should, and stuff will come up. I love her.

Um, okay, accessories. We are currently in my necklace room. And what I wanna show you is–

[dog crying]

Oh, my god! I just stepped on the dog. He can’t be here, Louis!

Louis: I didn’t know.

Christie Berkie: Peanut has to be in his crate. And now that’s one point for Joyce coz I look like a dick that kicks dogs in the butt. Great! Start over. Cut. Great, Louis.

[Cut to with title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Joyce Childers. She has her panties removed this time]

Joyce Childers: Hi, it’s me Joyce, future QVC host. I just– I ant you guys to know that QVC is my number one dream and every single person that knows me has said that I was born to do this. And there are people out there that are okay with like, hijacking dreams because– um– [breathing heavy] I have to– um, I have to get out of here. I can’t breathe.

[Joe walks in]

Joe: Are you okay?

Joyce Childers: No. Joe! Please don’t come over here. You stress me out. Just… I gotta go. Walk around. Just, please do not follow me and do not touch anything. I am fine. Okay.

[Joyce Childers walks out]

[Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]

Christie Berkie: Hey guys, it’s your gal pal Christie Berkie here to show you how to dress up any work outfit and give it a touch of sparkle and glam with clip-on glamour baubles. [Christie Berkie shows a necklace] Look how this glistens in the sunlight.

[Joyce Childers is peeking through the window glass]

Was that Joyce? Did I just see Joyce in our window?

Louis: That was Joyce.

Christie Berkie: What is that bitch up to? Anyway, we’ll cut around all this. Okay. This imitation crystal pieces will enliven any–

[Joyce Childers throws dirt on Christie Berkie’s window and looks at her.]

I see you! I see you, get over here!

[Joyce Childers opens the window]

Joyce Childers: What?

Christie Berkie: What are you doing? What are you even doing?

Joyce Childers: What are you doing? Stealing dreams that friends know is for me?

Christie Berkie: That is not good English. You will never make it with that kind of English on QVC.

Joyce Childers: [mocking] “On QVC, on QVC.” That’s what you sound like. Get your own life.

Christie Berkie: I have it! I have a life. Stop talking about that because I have it.

Joyce Childers: Maybe I should take it away! You see what this is in my pocket? [trying to bluff]

Christie Berkie: I don’t know what that is Joyce. Okay? I have no idea.

[Joyce Childers lifts her shirt a little. We can see a gun handle out of her pocket]

Joyce Childers: What do you think that handles to?

Christie Berkie: Oh, is that you gun? Is that what that is? Louis, she brought her gun. Surprise! Surprise! I guess she’s going to kill another person on accident.

Joyce Childers: Well, if I do it, will you stop stealing?

Louis: Joyce, don’t be a fool.

Christie Berkie: Look, this is all going to QVC. This is all going to QVC, Joyce.

Joyce Childers: No, it’s not.

Christie Berkie: Yes, it is. This is my audition tape. And I can have it be whatever I want.

[Joe walks in]

Joe: Honey, what are you doing here?

Christie Berkie: Your wife is going to shoot us through our window.

Joe: Ah! It’s not a real gun. It’s from a play I’m directing.

Christie Berkie: Oh, my god! Joyce! You are such a joke!

Joyce Childers: Oh, really? Well, you wanna know what’s a better joke? Your husband is gay and I know it because he is sleeping with my husband.

[Joe and Louis walk away]

I hear them every night in our baby’s room just going, “Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I want it.”

Christie Berkie: Stop it.

Joyce Childers: Okay, Christie, are you going to send that to QVC? Coz I’m sure they’ll love that.

Christie Berkie: Get out of my house!

Joyce Childers: [screaming] Ah!

[Cut to QVC video bumper]

[Cut to Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie hosting the show together]

Christie Berkie: Well, guys, that hour just flew.

Joyce Childers: I guess that’s just what happens when you guest host QVC with your best friend.

Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie: Keep shopping, you guys.

Kristen Wiig’s Thanksgiving Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Steve Martin

Will Forte

Indian… Kyle Mooney

Paul Revere… Alex Moffat

Benjamin Franklyn… Beck Bennett

Sacagawea… Melissa Villaseñor

Viking… Bobby Moynihan

Columbus… Kenan Thompson

Napoleon… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so wonderful to be back here hosting SNL for the econd time. But I specially love being here right before Thanksgiving. Yuu might not know this about me, some of you might know, but I am what they call a ‘Thanksgiving freak.’ I am a real turkey head. So tongiht I wanted to sing for you a song my family always sings every year. Can I have my ukulele and a stool please? [She gets a ukulele and a stool] Oh, great. Here we go. Yeah. And I think we can all agree thanksgiving is the most magical Thursday of the year. And– yYou know, I’m actually going to go with my personal guitar, is that here?

[Kristen Wiig gives the ukulele away and gets a rock double neck electric guitar]

My family told me facts about thanksgiving I bet you didn’t even know. By the way, I should mention I was raised by wolves. Um, near wolves. You know, maybe I’ll go back to the first one. Go back? Yeah.

[Kristen Wiig gives the guitar away and gets the ukulele again]

And can I lose the stool? Can you take that? Okay. I’d like to take us back to the first thanksgiving where it all began. In ancient Egypt. You konw what? I was wrong about the ukulele. I’m sorry. Can someone take this? [Kristen Wiig gives away the ukulele] Thank you very much.

[band playing guitar]

[singing] The first thanksgiving was in pyramid rock
The Indians and pilgrims said, “Let’s eat on this rock [an Indian walks in]
Paul Revere said “Dinner’s served, let’s all say grace.” [Paul Revere walks in]
Ben Franklyn brought salad, Paul slapped him in the face [Ben Franklyn walks in with salad, and Paul Revere slaps him]

The pilgrims charged everyone a thanksgiving fee [Sacagawea walks in]
but Sacagawea used her coins and said, “This one’s on me.”

Kristen Wiig:Then vikings showed up on a double decker bus [A Viking walks in]
they said,

Viking: If we don’t eat those turkeys, they’re going to eat us.

[awkward silence]

Kristen Wiig: And that’s why we eat turkey.

It was…

All: …Thanksgiving
The first thanksgiving
they were unforgiving
in their love of stuffing

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The second thanksgiving was in 1492
there were 10 kinds of meat, like they had murdered a zoo
Columbus was there, he had sailed from Korea [Columbus walks in with Korean flag bandana on] 
with Mina, Pinta, Santa and Maria [They all walk in]

This I know for sure, I told this to Lorne
The second thanksgiving , aliens beamed down the corn. [two aliens walk in with corns in their hands]
The Napoleon showed up, so he brought the ice cream [Napoleon walks in with ice cream in his hand]
strawberry, vanilla and chocolate in between

You see why? Coz pink, white and brown, those are the colors of the French Flag.

All: And that’s thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
it ain’t city living
unless you live in the city

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The third thanks giving was in 1953
and people gathered

Steve Martin: [interrupting] Oh, Kristen. Kristen. I am so sorry.

[cheers and applause]

It’s not necessary. But thank you. I just– I really– I just needed to stop you for a second because you have not gotten one fact correct in this song. Not one. You know, and if you don’t get your facts correct, you’re just going to end up like one of those sites on the internet, what is that?

Kristen Wiig: Like, fake news?

Steve Martin: No, I like that. But I- I just worry about your song. You’ve got to get the facts correct, so I’m a little bit worried about.

[Will Forte walks in]

Will Forte: Yeah, you know, I’m worried too. Less applause than Steve Martin. Gonna remember that. Kristen, I was just listening with Steve… Martin, that I just say Steve, we’re friends. And I agree, Kristen. At least two of your facts were wrong.

Kristen Wiig: Guys, I know I adjusted a few facts so they would rhyme, like any true historian. But won’t you both please sing with me? Please?

Will Forte: Ah! I’d be happy to sing with my friend Steve here. Hit it!

[singing] The fourth thanks giving was in 1969 

Steve Martin: The turkey was high and I was high too

Kristen Wiig: FDR was upset he spilled cranberry sauce

Steve Martin: But he had the first napkin, thanks to Betsy Ross.

Kristen Wiig: The three wisemen brought frankincense and pie

Steve Martin: Hey, don’t say the word pie to someone who’s high

Kristen Wiig: Wait, there’s something I just realized while singing this song
thanksgiving never really happened, it was in our hearts all along

All: And that’s, thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
the perfect history of thanks giving
so have a hippy happy hoppy thanksgiving

We have a great show for you tonight. The XX is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Donald Trump Prepares Cold Open

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

General Dunlap… Mikey Day

Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?

Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?

Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.

Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?

[General Dunlap enters]

General Dunlap: Here he is.

Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.

General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.

Donald Trump: Sure.

General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.

Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.

General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.

[General Dunlap walks out]

Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.

Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.

Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?

Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!

Donald Trump: Every single one?

Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.

Donald Trump: How long is that wall?

Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.

Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?

Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.

Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.

Peter Chucksell: Okay.

[Peter Chucksell walks out]

Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]

Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?

Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.

[Mitt Romney walks in]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.

[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]

Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?

Donald Trump: I don’t think so.

Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.

[Mitt Romney walks out]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.

Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.

[Mike Pence walks in]

Mike Pence: Hello, sir.

Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?

Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.

Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.

Mike Pence: Absolutely.

Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.

Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.

Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.

Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.

Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.

Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Scrapped?

Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.

Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.

Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.

Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.

Mike Pence: Don’t do it?

Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.

Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?

Mike Pence: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Anderson Cooper 360

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Gloria Borger… Cecily Strong

David Axelrod… Kyle Mooney

Dana Bash… Kristen Wiig

Kayleigh McEnany… Kate McKinnon

Van Jones… Kenan Thompson

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper with five participants to his show in the set]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening and welcome to Anderson Cooper 360. It’s been 10 days since the election and we are covering every moment of Donald Trump’s Transition. Joining me tonight at two gib ugly desks are CNN Chief Political Analyst, Gloria Borger.

[She is busy on her phone.]

Gloria Borger: Yeah, uh-huh. Sure.

Anderson Cooper: Former advisor of President Obama, David Axelrod

David Axelrod: Hi, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: CNN Chief Political Correspondent, Dana Bash.

Dana Bash: It’s Dana, for some reason.

Anderson Cooper: Trump supporter, Kayleigh McEnany.

Kayleigh McEnany: Thank you. I am smug to be here.

Anderson Cooper: And former Obama Administration Official, Van Jones.

Van Jones: I’m the good one.

Anderson Cooper: Now, this has been an unprecedented week, but we at CNN are here to hold Donald Trump accountable. Let’s start with some breaking news. Donald Trump wants top secret security clearance for his kids, even though they’re also running his business. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: Uh- this isn’t like when Trump called women fat. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares. But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Um, more breaking news. The entire KKK is planning a parade to celebrate Trump’s win. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he asked for security clearances for his kids. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Sorry, more breaking news. Donald Trump may force all Muslims to register in the United States. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when the entire KKK threw him a parade. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Breaking news again. Steve Bannon, a white nationalist has been named Trump’s Chief Strategist. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he wanted to put all the Muslims on the list. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Looks like we have some more breaking news. I– I– I’m sorry, I just had this weird memory like we keep doing the same–

[Anderson Cooper and all the participants are paused. They are not moving.]

[Two guys come in wearing a protective suit.]

Pete: Which one’s malfunctioning?

Mikey: One on the glasses has skipped out of his loop. He was starting to remember.

Pete: Alright, let’s get it back to programming.

Mikey: Bring in the replacement host.

[Pete and Mikey walk out with Anderson Cooper]

[Jake Tapper walks in as substitute host]

Jake Tapper: I’m Jake Tapper. Breaking news, Donald Trump has settled a massive fraud lawsuit for $25 million. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

[The End]

Weekend Update- Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Not Retiring

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsberg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: As president, Donald Trump is now in charge of supreme court appointments which many predict will lead to a conservative majority for decades to come. Here to comment is liberal justice, Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsberg slides in]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Woo! Woo! RBG in the house, baby. I’m never gonna step down now. You can’t get rid of me.

Colin Jost: But justice Ginsberg, I think everyone expected you to retire soon. I mean, you’re 83.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Yeah. You’re damn right I was gonna retire. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] Clinton was gonna win, I was going straight to the Dominican Republic. Even the last time I was there, they thought I was a zika mosquito. But not now! Not now! Now I gotta stay alive and healthy, dammit! Give me my thing. [Ruth Bader Ginsberg pulls out a packet of vitamins] Excuse me. Gotta take my vitamin.

[Ruth Bader Ginsberg raises the packet and pours the vitamin all over her mouth.]

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s- That’s a packet. [Michael Che laughing] It’s good. It’s good. You got a little– kind of all over. [wiping powder off of Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s face]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: How dare?

Colin Jost: Alright. Sure. So you have no plans to leave the supreme court>

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Colin, the bench is now my porch. I’m gonna sit down on it all day and scream, “No, get out of my yard.”

Colin Jost: But come on, realistically, how long do you think you can hold on?

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, forever, Colin. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] I’m eating an apple a day to keep Ben Carson away. And by apple, I mean pure human growth hormone. And if that doesn’t work, I’ve hidden horcruxes in all the taverns in the DC metro area.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, people are also worried about all these people Trump is choosing for his cabinet. You know, Newt Gingrich, Steve Bannon, Rudy Giuliani.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: No! Stop it. Too much, Colin. Is that ghoul Giuliani really gonna be our attorney general? Although, if I wanna live forever, maybe I should just let him bite me. Speaking of biting me, Giuliani, you just got Ginsburned!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Crazy on emergency right now. Now, what do you think Trump does next?

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, whatever he wants. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] Thanks to half the country that didn’t even vote. You know, I regretted my comments about Colin Kaepernick. Then this week, he said he didn’t vote. So, I guess this guy takes a knee on everything. And that’s a hot Ginsburn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Oh god! You know, there are some people like Michael Moore too who say that Trump might get impeached before his four years are even over.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, great! And then we’ll get Pence. ‘The gay people can’t get a pizza’ guy. Awesome. Even though, I’m sorry, to me he kind of looks like the neighbor who kisses Kevin Spacey in ‘American Beauty.’ Hey, Mike Pence, sorry you looked at Magnum PI once and got a quarter chub and you’e been haunted by it ever since. And that’s a gay Ginsburn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Justice!

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: It might not be just emergency.

Colin Jost: Um, is there anything that can be done, do you think?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Yeah, yeah. Of course. Obama can confirm Merrick Garland tomorrow. And that way, I can finally leave DC, get this little beach house in Aruba I’ve had my eye on. Um! I just need the hermit crab inside it to die and I’m in, baby! And that’s not a Ginsburn. That’s a sunburn.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Ruth Bader Ginsberg, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on President-elect Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, Colin, it’s official. Donald Trump is the next president of the United States. Ha-ha, United. You know, I didn’t want Trump to win, but as a comedian, it is a little encouraging. Coz people are always telling me, “Che, you know you can lose your job for saying that”, and now I’m like, “No, I can’t.” How did this happen? Either Donald Trump is actually a genius or Hillary Clinton hit a voodoo priest with her car. I don’t think there has ever been two more unlikable candidates. Not one time in election have I heard anyone say, “You know what? I like them both.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And Donald Trump is now the oldest person ever elected president and has never held a job in government. If you’re 70 and you have no experience, you couldn’t get hired at Target. A 70 year old holding a new career is not how president supposed to work. It’s the plot of the Intern. [Picture changes to Robert De Niro’s picture from Intern.] A plot which Rolling Stone called “Pure fantasy.” It’s like if America needed life saving surgery and we could have got world’s most experienced doctors, but instead we went with a guy wearing a hat that says, “I am a good doctor.”

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Liberals did not see this coming because we’re too segregated. It’s like we forget there’s another half of the country. I didn’t think anybody would vote for Trump just like I didn’t think ‘A Madea Halloween’ would be the number one movie in America. I mean, who would choose that? Democrats got too cocky, man. They were like the Golden State Warriors winning 73 games. They won so often that they didn’t even think they could lose again. Then, they got their ass kicked in Ohio.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, I know this outcome seems shocking, but remember, America’s like Leslie Jones, addicted to white guys. [Michael Che laughing] I mean, sure for a while [Picture changes to Barack Obama] our friend Barry got us clean and sober for eight years, but then uncle Donny rolled into town with a gold plane and a stack o cash, and he was like, “One more hit of a white stuff won’t kill ya!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: People are blaming Trump’s victory on racism, I disagree, coz I’m racist, I didn’t vote for Donald Trump. I think the election came down to feeling special. Donald Trump made white guys feel special again. He spoke directly to them. He mad eye contact. Gave them little hats. He made white guys feel pretty and strong. He’s like Beyonce. 54% of white women voted for Trump. You don’t think that had something to do with senior out of work depressed husbands coming home from Trump rallies all jacked up and horny, ready to seize the day?

What did surprise me was that 30% of Latinos voted for Trump. I even asked my Mexican friend. I was like, “How could you vote for Donald Trump?” And he said, “Che! I’m Mexican… I’m Puerto Rican.”

[Colin Jost laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: You didn’t know? He wasn’t sure. [laughing] Ethnicity- other. And look, I–

Michael Che: Don’t look at me.

Colin Jost: And look, I know that this seems like a huge step backwards for our country, but we have to remember that progress isn’t just a straight line upwards. It’s a weird rollercoaster where sometimes you’re screaming for joy, and other times you’re barfing in your own face.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a crowd at right top corner.]

Michael Che: If anything this election shows, just how disconnected we are from each other. Okay? I mean look at this map of votes by county. [Picture changes to US map with blue and red zones separated by votes.] You see how the democrat areas look like the metro PCS coverage zone? I mean, we’re sharing a bet together and conservatives are all sprawled out in the middle while liberals are on the edge passing aggressively tweeting. You want this relationship to work, we got to cuddle, man! We got to talk, get familiar. You can’t just wait until you’re in desperate need of attention and poke her on the back with your penis and ask, “You asleep?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Barack Obama shaking their hands at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  ON Thursday, Trump went to the White House and showed us how brave he is, by meeting face to face with the man who founded ISIS.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

Yesterday was announced that mike Pence will lead Trump’s transition team which is weird because normally when people transition, Pence sends them to conversion therapy.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Despite Donald Trump’s campaign promised to drain the swamp, many of the people in line for his administration are long time Washington insiders and lobbyists. Because even if you drain a swamp, it’s still full of nuts [Jebb Bush] , sleepy little turtle [Dr. Ben Carson], a hissing possum [Rudy Giuliani] and pile of wet garbage [Chris Christie].

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know you still got to drive to New Jersey, right?

Colin Jost: I just won’t take the bridge.

Michael Che: And please people… [laughing] And let’s not mourn to political career of Hillary Clinton. Okay? She’s not going anywhere. This woman is a gangster. She’s unbreakable. This is not her first upset. Okay? Hillary Clinton once lost a presidential race to a black guy named Hussain and she is still fighting. Hillary Clinton is like Roy Jones Jr., every time she gets knocked out again, I’m like, “Why are you even still doing this? Do you need money? I’ll give you money.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton facing backwards at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m hopeful now that Hillary can finally have some time for herself. Like, the day after the election, she was already spotted hiking in the woods near her house. And weirdly, she had already grown out a full David Letterman retirement beard. There were also some really good historical moments on Tuesday. For example, a record number of female minorities were elected to the senate. [cheers and applause] That’s what I’m saying. Let’s see all their names right now.

[Cut to the video list. The list is as short as ‘Kamala Harris, Tammy Duckworth, Catherine Cortez Masto, Mazie Hirono’.]

[Cut back to Colin Jost. He is holding his coffee mug and about to drink it.]

Wait, what? That was it? That was the record? I thought I had more time. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Walt Disney]

Disney has received permission to fly drones over it’s themed parks. In an effort to caption or kill Aladdin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of vegetables at right top corner.]

Michael Che: “Che, I’m Mexican.” What are they thinking? [Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: So confident. [Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: Right down the part. A new study shows that people with the vegetarian diet may live longer. Okay, but for what?