Tag: season 48

Woody Harrelson Monologue

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson.

[Woody Harrelson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Thank you. Thank very, very much. Hello you beautiful people, and you ugly people too. I jest. This country seems so divided, beautiful, ugly, black, white, blue, red. I love everybody. Maybe because I’m a redneck hippie. You know, the red in me thinks you shouldn’t be allowed to own guns. The blue in me thanks squirt guns. So I’m red and blue, which makes purple. I’m purple.

So this is my fifth time doing SNL. And you know what that means? No jacket? Okay. The last time I did SNL was around Thanksgiving 2019, three years ago, and you will not believe what happened after the show. The next day, it was a Sunday, as it always is the day after I do Saturday Night Live, it’s like a pattern I noticed. Anyway, I went walking in the greatest part of this city, Central Park, leaned against the tree and started to read the craziest script. Okay, full disclosure. I smoked a joint first. The reason I like herb more than alcohol is because it makes me feel good, no hangover, and I never wake up covered in blood. But regardless, I have decided to quit smoking pot altogether and I’m sticking with it, till after the show.

Yeah, last week in Austin, I was talking with my friend Nick and we have a lot in common. He wrote “True Detective”, and I was in True Detective. I’m vegan and all the animals he eats are vegan. Anyway, I was complaining about how I start smoking around noon and get progressively dumber as the day unfolds. Forget basic words, simple objects, e-t-cetera. And I was hoping that the wifey Poo might say, “Oh, no, that’s not true.” But instead she says, “At least you’re aware of it.” And I say, “Well, that doesn’t feel like much consolation.” And she says, “Think of all the dumb people who don’t know they’re dumb. You’re ahead of them.” “Um, thanks hun.”

But on top of the herb, are we a bit of a drinker? I don’t know why I went Irish there. Anyway. But in a personal triumph, last year I had seven months with no alcohol, and five glorious months.

Anyway, what are we talking about? Oh, yeah, it’s telling you about that script. So I blaze a fatty which I got in LA at my dispensary, The Woods. I mean, obviously, I didn’t transport the herb from California to New York, because that’s highly illegal. My manager Jeremy did. He muled it from LA. Speaking of Jeremy, he’s here tonight. He’s newly single, ladies. Very handsome. I know he would prefer I talk about our movie “Champions”. It’s coming out in two weeks. Comedic masterpiece. But I’m not here to sell “Champions”. It sells itself. Projections have it making more than avatar. But whatever. I’m no salesman.

Yeah. Where was I? Yeah. Okay. So three years ago, Center Park, Sunday morning, the Lord’s day, trying to resist the temptation to puff too early in the day. Of course, I succumb. Like a lot of people I have a devil on one shoulder. And on the other shoulder. I have a larger, more frightening devil. And there’s a battle going on in here. I’m just saying that I am many different things. Anarchist, Marxist, Ethical hiddenness, non discriminatory empath, epistemological deconstructionist Texan. But back to the tree in Central Park and that script. Put yourselves in my place. Lay the curb of your neck against the roots of the tree. What kind of tree was it? I mean, what kind of trees they have in Central Park? Oh, yeah, it was a palm tree. So lay your head on the palm, fire up a hooter from Jeremy, and start reading. Okay, so the movie goes like this. The biggest drug cartels in the world get together and buy up all the media and all the politicians and force all the people in the world stay locked in their homes. And people can only come out if they take the cartels drugs and keep taking them over and over. I threw the script away. I mean, who is gonna believe that crazy idea being forced to do drugs? I do that voluntarily all day long.

Anyway, it’s about that time. Come on. Still no jacket. Okay. Well, we got a great show for you tonight. Jack White is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Trump Train Visit Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Emily Kohrs… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: You’re watching C span. Up next, former President Trump addresses residents of East Palestine, Ohio, following this month’s train derailment.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hello everyone. Hello, it’s wonderful to be here in the town of East Palestine. Not a great name. But I had to come here and see these wonderful people who have been abandoned by Biden. He’s on spring break in Ukraine with his friends Zelensky in the t-shirt, very disrespectful. Zelensky thinks he’s rocking that ringadee like Scott Pilgrim. But I’m here and I brought hats, cameras and hats, because it’s terrible what’s happening here. You know, earlier today a farmer came up to me, big fella, and he said, “Sir, we have nothing to eat because dirt is poison.” And I said, “Well, what are you doing eating the dirt? Don’t eat the dirt, folks. Don’t eat the dirt. You should be eating the cold McDonald’s I brought you. And the bottled water, Trump ice.”

I’ll be honest, I just put my sticker on some Dasani. We like to say Dasani. I’ve heard all about your situation with the water, but I was looking at your river and it’s so shiny. I’ve never seen water so beautiful. Beautiful rainbows and discolorations. It’s wearing makeup. Fendy Beauty Water. Fendi by Rihanna. Rihanna. By the way you know she was pregnant doing Super Bowl, can you believe that? I said, “Of course, she is. She’s not moving at all. It was just arms, right?” She was just doing arms the whole time.

But your train exploded and who do we blame? Who do we blame. We blame Buttigieg. Pete Buttigeig. This was his responsibility. Unfortunately he was too busy being a nerd and being gay to have dealt with a very much more important issue of should drains have big poison? And I have to tell you, I call him Pete Butt. I call him Pete Butt. There’s no way around it. That’s just the best one. Believe me, I’ve tried it every which way and it really doesn’t get better than Pete Butt. But this would have never happened  under my administration. People are saying I made the trains less safe. Not true, okay? Not true. I did a lot for trains. I made them bigger, faster, less safe perhaps. I’m here paying my respects because your train exploded and now your birds and fish are all dead. That’s got to not be so great. Wake up in the morning and not hear the beautiful chirping of birds and instead of your train’s exploding and derailing all over the place. You’re town is hurting, that’s why you need me. I feel like I could “Schitt’s Creek” this place, right? But I need the big eyebrows, right? That guy Schitts Creek, he’s got big eyebrows. You watched Schitts Creek? No you guys watch Yellowstone.

Anyway, I have a very special surprise guest for you today. You’ve seen a blinding all over TV this week. It’s the foreman of the Georgia, Grand Jury investigating me, Ms. Emily Kohrs.

Emily Kohrs: Oh my god. This is so cool. First Giuliani and now you. Good day, sir.

Donald Trump: She’s an odd duck but we like her. She’s either 7 or 40. We can’t tell. And she’s got a very big secret for such a kooky little lady.

Emily Kohrs: Potentially. I might. I don’t know. Eeeeeee.

Donald Trump: Wow, we don’t like that. We don’t like that sound. Because she knows if I’m getting indicted. She’s a head juror, can you believe that? They elected her. They’ll elect anyone. I started that. Come on, spill the tea. Come on.

Emily Kohrs: Nope. You just want me to ruin the case. But I guess I can say we’ve been saying your name a lot.

Donald Trump: Can you believe that? They almost had me and then this little horse girl comes in and saves the day. Thank you Emily.

Emily Kohrs: Farewell.

Donald Trump: Do we like her or what? Right? She looks like Haley Joel Osment and she’s my best friend. Well, I’m gonna get out of here soon because the air is full of poison, but you know everyone in Ohio has asked me “What do I do now? There’s poison gas in the air.” Could be a good thing, right? I know some of the husbands are happy to have the stinky gas as an excuse, right? I mean, “Did you pass gas?” “No, it was the train.” Right? Blame the train, right? You’d normally blame it on the dog, but they’re all done now aren’t they? So in conclusion, Schitt’s Creek, Rihanna, Pete Butt and live from New York and Saturday night.

The Hippo

Shana… Ego Nwodim

Keith… Woody Harrelson

Jonas… James Austin Johnson

Blake… Mikey Day

Chloe fineman

Blake: Guys, can I get my cast for a second? So I just got off the phone with the studio.

Shana: Oh no, God, was it about that potential writer’s strike?

Blake: No, worse. The geniuses at the studio are no longer interested in a gut wrenching drama about obesity. So they’re shutting the film down. It’s a wrap on “The Hippo”. Movie is dead, guys.

Chloe: What?

Shana: For real?

Jonas: Seriously?

Blake: And the worst part is I know how much work you all did to prepare for your roles.

Shana: Yeah, a lot. I shadow the therapist for two weeks to get into character, Blake.

Blake: I know. I know. And Jonas drew a beard, which I know he hates.

Jonas: I do. I hate it?

Blake: And for his role, Keith gained 450 pounds in six months.

Keith: Yeah, and sorry, just to be clear, that movie is officially dead? As in we’re not making it?

Blake: No, “The Hippo” will never see the light of day.

Keith: Ah, well, that is- That’s rough to hear.

Chloe: Wait, so if we’re not making the movie, that means I dyed my hair brown for nothing?

Blake: Hey, hey, hey, it’s fine. Okay? We’re all upset. Keith. You look like this is hitting you pretty hard too buddy.

Keith: Yeah, I gotta say this is really unfortunate for me, personally.

Shana: For all of us. We all sacrifice for this film. I shadowed that therapist on my own time. I can’t get those two weeks back.

Keith: Right. And I gained 450 real pounds in six months. That’s a big lifestyle change. I have something called Triabetes now. It’s the one after diabetes.

Jonas: And I have this goddamn beard. [kicks a stool] Sorry, it’s itchy and growing it was a horrible experience.

Keith: I can relate, because gaining 450 pounds in six months also was not fun. I had to eat something called gristle loaf. Does anyone know about this? It’s a brick compressed- You know, it’s a compressed be fat and corn syrup.

Chloe: I know exactly how you feel Keith. My hair is like so brittle from the brown dot.

Keith: But this is gristle loaf, by the way. It’s what they feed sick elephants at the zoo to get them back to their normal way. Ate nine of these a day because I thought I would win the Oscar.

Blake: Yeah, and you would have. Dammit. I should have seen this coming. Studio was fighting me from day one. Shana, did you know they wanted your part to be played by a white woman?

Shana: The sad thing is I’m not surprised.

Blake: And Jonas, they wanted to cut you out of act three.

Jonas: And then there’d be what? No resolution to the custody battle storyline? God they’re so afraid of original ideas.

Blake: And get this. Instead of gaining 450 pounds in six months, they wanted Keith wear a fat suit.

Keith: Was that an option?

Blake: Yeah. But I told them. I said “Keith is a method actor. He’s not going to wear a fat suit.”

Keith: Oh, yeah. I’m really kind of wish you brought me into that conversation.

Blake: Oh really? That’s my bad, man. I’m sorry guys, this whole thing is my bad. But look at least you guys are free. You okay?

[Keith sits on a couch]

At least you guys are free to do other projects, right? Like Keith, you had an offer for a Marvel movie, right?

Keith: I think that ship has sailed. I’m not exactly in X Men shape.

Mkey: Right, well, something else will come along. All right. Well, I do this on all my films guys. On our last day as set, we all say one thing this experience gave us. So I’ll go first. I have 28 new friends.

Jonas: I have one hell of a story.

Shana: I have a deeper respect for our craft.

Chloe: same.

Blake: Alright your turn Keith. I have…

Keith: … not seen my penis in four months.

Blake: Keith, you know what? Make that 29 new friends for me.

Keith: I wasn’t included in your original count?

Shana: Hey, did the studio same why they shut the movie down?

Blake: Oh, you’ll love this. They said the script is almost word for word the same as that Brendan Fraser movie “The whale”.

Jonas: Incredible film

Shana: I thought Brendan Fraser is going to win an Oscar.

Keith: Oh, good for him.

Submarine Launch

Mr. Dobbs… Kenan Thompson

Captain… Woody Harrelson

Mr. Dobbs: Attention. Crew, President accounted for, sir.

Captain: Thank you, Mr. Dobbs. At ease. Little fish. there’s trouble out there in the water so they turned us? We’re not going out there with a pants down. No, sir. Uncle Sam gave us first class tickets on a $5 billion nuclear submarine, isn’t that right?

Soldiers: Sir, yes, sir.

Captain: And this lethal Ohio class killer machine has been entrusted to us for one purpose, to defend our country, God’s country. Now the President may call the shots, but this here is my submarine. And it’s a proud boat, isn’t it, Mr. Dobbs?

Mr. Dobbs: Very proud, sir.

Captain: It represents the best of us.

Mr. Dobbs: The absolute best, sir.

Captain: And this ship has noble name doesn’t it, Mr. Dobbs.

Mr. Dobbs: Very normal, sir.

Captain: And what is that name, Mr. Dobbs?

Mr. Dobbs: Mr. dingleberries Gooch Balloon ASDFJKL; 6969, sir.

Captain: Say it again?

Soldiers: Mr. dingleberries Gooch Balloon ASDFJKL; 6969, sir.

Captain: And why does it have that name?

Mikey: Because it was decided by an online poll, sir.

Captain: Why did we let that be the name?

Mikey: Because we didn’t take the poll seriously until it was too late, sir.

Captain: What percentage of people voted for this to be the name?

Soldiers: An overwhelming majority, sir.

Captain: And why did we have a poll in the first place?

Michael: to get more followers on Instagram, si.

Captain: And did this mission succeed?

Bowen: We got more views on our stories, but our followers grew pretty much the normal rate, sir.

Captain: And who is Mr. Dingleberry?

Soldiers: Everyone assumes it was you, sir.

Captain: And what was the runner up in the poll?

Marcello: Dookie Cruiser, sir.

Captain: And was that any better?

Soldiers: If it was shorter but equally bad, sir.

Captain: And what does ASDFJKL; mean?

James: It’s just what you get if you roll your fingers across the keyboard, sir.

Captain: And how to rearrange it and try to pronounce it?

Andrew: By saying ass of a jackal, sir.

Captain: But we decided what?

Mikey: That ass of the jackal was too complicated. And we should just say the letter, sir.

Captain: And did we know how to deal with the semicolon?

Soldiers: We did not, sir.

Captain: So, what did we decide to do?

Devon: We decided to just call it semicolon, sir.

Captain: And who was behind this prank?

Mikey: @GayKevinFromTheOffice420, sir.

Captain: And who is that GayKevinFromTheOffice?

Soldiers: Just a random guy, sir.

[phone ringing]

Captain: Hello, my darling wife. Is it urgent? And why is it urgent? And why are you leaving me? And on which days will I see the kids? Okay, then. Now, who thinks they know why my wife is leaving me?

Soliders: We all do.

Captain: And why is that?

Mr. Dobbs: Because she didn’t want to be Mrs. Dingleberry, sir.

[Submarine starts shaking]

Captain: And who blew up the submarine just now?

Soldiers: We all did, sir.

Captain: And why did we do it?

Bowen: Because we didn’t want to die on something called the Gooch Balloon, sir.

Captain: Damn right. Chief of the boat, dismiss the crew.

Mr. Dobbs: Aye-aye. Mr. Dingleberry crew, fall out.

Soldiers: Yeah!

Slingshot

Sam… Woody Harrelson

Kevin… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of people in line to play Slingshot]

Kevin: Oh man, here we are. Come on. Y’all want to do the Slingshot?

Heidi: Oh my god, look at this thing. It’s so high.

Sam: Man. That’s way up there.

Kevin: Come on, it’s not that high. Let’s do it. Who’s coming?

Ego: Baby, you know I can’t get on that thing. I get so scared.

Kevin: Oh, come on. Please.

Heidi: Sam will go with you.

Sam: Me? Yeah, well, I don’t know. I mean-

Kevin: Yeah, come on, Sam. You can punk out in front of your girl.

Heidi: Yes, Sam. Kevin needs a partner. You’re brave, right?

Sam: Okay. I guess.

Attendant: Gentlemen, ready to fly?

Kevin: Oh, yeah.

Attendant: We’re clear for takeoff.

Sam: This thing’s safe, right?

Attendant: Of course. It shoots you up 400 feet for three seconds. No problem, right?

Kevin: Sounds good to me.

Attendant: Yeah. Just 10 G’s right in your face. Hope you’re okay with that.

Kevin:  Doesn’t bother me at all, man. I’m a veteran. I was in the Air Force.

Attendant: Love that.

Sam: You know what? I want to get off.

Kevin: Get off? Man, it’s too late with that now, Sammy.

Sam: No, no, no, I really, really want to get off.

Kevin: Hey, he can’t hear you, man. Just get ready for the countdown. Oh, here we go. All right, it’s happening in 3-2-1. Oh my goodness. Oh my god, Jesus.

[Kevin faints]

Sam: Man, this is so high. Whooo! It’s like we’re birds. Hey Kevin, I think I can see my house. Kevin? You see it?

Kevin: Yeah, I got it. [wakes up] Ahh! [He screams for a while then faints again]

Sam: Hey man, you passed out? Kevin? Kevin?

Heidi: Oh my god. Did you see how fast they went up?

Ego: That was insane. It was so insane. I know. I know. I know. Okay, here they come, here they come.

[Sam and Kevin walk to them]

Heidi: Hey, you’re alive.

Sam: Ha-ha-ha.

Ego: How was it?

Sam: Crazy. I can’t believe I did that. They shoot you up so high.

Kevin: Yeah, that was pretty wild.

Ego: Was it fun?

Sam: Oh, actually it was. Man, I mean, that was a once in a lifetime experience.

Kevin: It sure was. Let’s go and get in the car now.

Ego: No, you know what, Kevin? I’ll do it.

Kevin: Oh you gonna do it?

Ego: Yeah. You’ll go with me right, baby?

Kevin: Yeah, yeah, of course.

Heidi: Go, girl. I love it.

Ego: I can’t believe we’re doing this.

Kevin: I can’t believe it either.

[Ego and Kevin walk to the seats]

Attendant: Glad to have you back.

Attendant: Looks like a returned customer. Very brave.

Kevin: Yeah, yeah. Hey man, can we go up real soft and come down real gentle?

Attendant: No can do. This thing has only one speed.

Ego: Baby, we’re gonna be okay, right?

Kevin: I want to say yes. I guess we just gotta wait for the countdown. Alright, here we go. In 3-2. Ahhh! [screaming] No, no, no.

[Kevin faints]

Ego: Kevin? Kevin, you okay baby? Kevin? Oh my god. Talk to me. Kevin?

Kevin: [wakes up] Ah, I’m passing out. I’m passing out!

[Kevin faints again]

Ego: What do you mean passing out? You were in the Air Force.

Kevin: Yes, yes. I was only painting the planes though.

Ego: Kevin? Just calm down.

Kevin: Oh baby, I lost my job three weeks ago.

Ego: You lost your job?

Kevin: Oh my goodness. I’m 17 years older too, by the way. I ain’t tell you, I thought you daddy was gonna tell you. [faints again]

Ego: What? Kevin?

Kevin: [wakes up] Oh, I’m peeing. I’m peeing on everything. I’m peeing all over the place, honey. Oh, get me out of here.

Heidi: You know what? I wanna do it.

Ego: Oh good. Kevin will go with you.

Kevin: No. No, I’m done.

Heidi: Oh, this is fun.

Kevin: Why is nobody listening to me? Oh, I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready. Ah!

[Kevin faints again]

Please Don’t Destroy – The Stakeout

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, and Martin Herlihy in their office.]

Ben: Fellaas, what are we up to tonight? You guys come on over play Tony Hawk I’m busy?

John: I’m busy tonight.

Martin: I’m tired tonight.

Ben: You’re busy and you’re tired.

John: But maybe tomorrow.

Ben: Oh yeah. Cool. Cool. No sweat.

Martin: Next time.

[John and Martin leave]

[Woody Harrelson walks in knocking the door]

Woody: Hey man. Everything okay with you and your little friends?

Ben: I don’t know. I’m kind of worried they’re hanging out without me.

Woody: Do you think maybe we should follow them to find out?

Ben: Follow them? You don’t mean-?

Woody: Yeah. Stakeout.

[Ben and Woody are following John and Martin. They reach a house.]

Woody: What are they doing out here in the suburbs?

Ben: Whose house is this?

[John and Martin are playing video game together.]

John: Kickflip.

Martin: Oh dude, oli, oli. I just olied.

Ben: Wow, dude. Okay, I’m gonna text them.

[Ben texts them]

John: Who’s that?

Martin: Ben.

[Martin looks at the message and throws the phone into the trash]

Ben: Did he just throw his phone away?

Woody: That’s a low blow. Well, [pulls out a gun] time to go in there and kill them.

Ben: No, man. What?

Woody: We’ll make it look like a robbery.

Ben: Jesus, dude. That’s not why we’re here. We’re just trying to figure out why they bailed on me. What’s going on with them?

[John and Martin are not cuddling]

Ben: They look really cozy.

John: It’s really nice.

Martin: Yes.

[John and Martin start kissing]

Woody: Hey, are they together?

Ben: What?

Woody: Alright, should we head out?

Ben: No, we’re not done, man. Oh my god.

[John is holding a baby]

Woody: They got a baby too.

John: I’ll email them.

Martin: Kids, dino nuggets are ready.

John: Come on, daddy made your favorite.

[two other children run into the kitchen]

Ben: They have a family?

[a teenager joins them at the dinner table]

Woody: Oh-oh, and one moody teen.

Teen: Dino nuggets again?

Martin: Okay, mister, I worked very hard-

John: Okay, radical acceptance.

Ben: This is insane.

Woody: Ben, it’s 2015. It’s not insane to be gay.

Ben: It’s not 2015, man! And I’m not mad they’re gay. I’m mad they have a secret beautiful life they never told me about.

Woody: Well, maybe they’re just afraid to tell anyone.

[Kenan walks in the house]

Kenan: I brought Keesh.

John: Oh my god. Kids, uncle Kenan’s here.

Ben: Uncle Kenan? Okay, well, I’m gonna text him because Kenan wouldn’t lie to me.

[Ben texts Kenan. Kenan checks his phone, shakes his head and throws his phone into the trash]

They can’t just keep throwing their phones away.

Woody: Man, you never saw any signs of this in the past.

Ben: I mean, not that I remember. We would just hang out and laugh together. Maybe they were just afraid to tell me because they were afraid to hurt me. They can’t risk losing me because they love me too much.

Woody: Are you sure?

[The kids are hitting a punching bag that has Ben’s face on it with baseball bats]

Ben: Where did they even get that?

John: Alright, kids. Time for bed. We got work to do.

Ben: Work? What work?

[John and Martin are auditioning for ‘new Ben’]

Martin: Next. Excellent. Whenever you’re ready.

[there are few people who are auditioning for the role]

Woody: It’s like they’re doing auditions to replace you.

Actor: Oh, John, did you get a weird new haircut?

John: Way funnier than Ben?

Ben: Okay, I’m going in there.

John: And Saturdays, you’re available? Because-

Martin: Ben, it’s not what it looks like.

Ben: Then tell me what it is.

Martin: John and I have a secret family and we’re holding auditions to replace you.

Ben: That’s what I thought it was. This is insane, man. Why are you doing this?

John: You’re right, man. What are we doing? We shouldn’t be holding auditions to replace him.

Martin: Because the group would be fine if it was just us two.

Ben: Wha?

John: But we wouldn’t do that to you. Because there’s only one you.

Martin: And you are irreplaceable. Right, Ben?

[Woody is wearing red wig. He has already replaced Ben.]

Woody: Thanks, guys. Bad Boys for life. Man. I feel like we’re back at NYU right now.

[Cut to John and Martin watching the video at their office.]

Martin: Oh my God, he is so much better than Bne.

John: He’s the perfect replacement.

Cologuard

Male voice: If you’re over 45 that means it’s time to start screening for colon cancer. And there’s no easier way to do it than with Cologuard. The simple, efficient box delivered straight to your doorstep.

[Cologuard rings the bell. Woody walks out of the door.]

Woody: Oh, hello. Can I help you?

Cologuard: Hi, I’m Cologuard, a non invasive way to screen for colon cancer at home.

Woody: Oh, yeah, my doctor ordered you.

Cologuard: That’s right, because I’m safe, easy to use, and I find 92% of colon cancers.

Woody: Okay, cool. How’s it work?

Cologuard: I just need to collect a sample. So open me up and you know, go inside me.

Woody: Inside you?

Cologuard: Yeah, just go inside me. It’s okay. I like it.

Woody: Are you looking at me like that while I do it?

Cologuard: Sure. I’m just smiling because I love my job. And I love what you’re about to do to me.

Woody: Yeah. Well, I love that you have a face and a little mouth.

Cologuard: And a name. I’m Thomas.

Woody: Why do I hate knowing that?

Cologuard: Come on. It’s fun for both of us. You get the satisfaction of knowing you’re doing everything you can to protect the health of your colon. And I get another kind of satisfaction. So go ahead. Unload in me.

Woody: Why is the UPS guy watching?

[Delivery guy is watching him and smiling]

Cologuard: He’s just waiting to collect a sample after you’re done.

Kenan: Yeah. So go ahead. Unleash.

Woody: Man, I really don’t feel comfortable doing this in front of you guys.

Female Cologuard: Would you feel more comfortable going in me? Unloading on a little woman like me? Would that make you feel like a real man?

Woody: Oh, my God. No. I just wanted to screen for colon cancer.

Female Cologuard: Then go ahead. Destroy me daddy. Blow my box open.

Kenan: Yeah, I wanna see you blow that box wide open.

Woody: This is sick.

Cologuard: Yeah, but not sick from colon cancer. So come on. Just go inside her, then pass the super warm box to the UPS guy.

Kenan: Get that box nice and warm before you hand it back to me.

Cologuard: I’ll even close my eyes while you do it.

Woody: I see you peeking. [there are many Cologuards walking to Woody] Oh my god. Wait, how many of you are there?

Cologuard: It’s okay. We’re just here to watch.

Female Cologuard: We’re friendly like minions. So go ahead and unleash.

Woody: Stop saying unleash.

Cologuard: Would it helps if you knew their names?

Woody: No.

Cologuard: That’s Kylie, Victor, Neil and Shevat.

Cologuard: We can’t wait to see you unleash.

Woody: You know what? I’m actually good. I just remembered that I screened for colon cancer last year. So…

Cologuard: bAnd you wouldn’t be lying to us, right?

Woody: Oh, no, of course not.

Female Cologuard: Because we can also detect liars.

[A female cologuard pulls out a knife]

Female Cologuard: Now, drop your pants, blow out his box and this will all be over.

Kenan: Just do what the little boxes say to do.

Woody: I’ll give you what you want. Just please don’t kill me.

Neighbor Heidi: Man, is Woody okay?

[The boxes aren’t moving in real. Woody is hallucinating.]

Neighbor Andrew: I know he smokes a ton of weed, but really starting to worry about him.

[Woody stars opening his pants]

Neighbor Heidi: All right, let’s head inside. Give him some privacy.

Neighbor Andrew: Actually. I’m gonna stay. I’m gonna watch him unleash.

Cologuard: Cologuard, go ahead. We like it.

Beautiful Gym

Male voice: And now, two men speak in the most beautiful gym in the world.

[Woody and Bowen are wearing suits, but they’re carrying weights]

Bowen: Hello, mind if I use my kettlebells next to you?

Woody: Only if you’ll spot me.

Bowen: I already did, from across the room.

Woody: I like your suit. I always thought I was the only one here who wore one.

Bowen: Well, I’m coming from a wedding.

Woody: Whose?

Bowen: My own. Her name is Ashley or something.

Woody: She sounds beautiful.

Bowen: Well, she looks ugly. She has a face for a KN95. That’s why I come here to escape.

Woody: Me too. And the music exhilarates me, so can we turn it up, Morris?

[Morris is playing piano]

Morris: Of course, sir.

Woody: That’s beautiful. What is that your playing?

Morris: A big piano, sir.

Woody: I thought so.

Bowen: So, is it leg day?

Woody: I don’t know. I don’t celebrate that in my culture.

Bowen: Of course. Well, it’s a cheat day for me.

Woody: Does that mean-

Bowen: I’m allowed to commit adultery. Yes.

Woody: I should tell you, I’m also married.

Bowen: Yes. I think our wives know each other from that lesbian relationship they’re in.

Woody: That’s right. How do you feel about that?

Bowen: I think it’s disgusting. One pair of boobies is bad enough. Say, do you have a favorite machine?

Woody: I like the one that makes the toast.

Bowen: I meant one at the gym.

Woody: Oh. I guess it’s a tie between the cobblestone treadmill and the stationary Vespa.

Bowen: This gym is so classy, it should be called James. Now excuse me, I’m going to use the rowing machine.

Woody: Boat rhymes with float. Coincidence? I think note. Wow, look at you go, girl.

Bowen: Thanks for noticing. I’ve really been going beast mode lately. And that I keep a beautiful rose under a bell drum.

Woody: Oh course. Oh shoot, I forgot my protein powder.

Bowen: I brought some.

Woody: Ah, may I borrow?

Bowen: Of course. How do you take it?

Woody: Here and here. [Bowen puts protein powder on Woody like putting on makeup] Good. Thank you. Are going to wipe the machine?

Bowen: Wipe? Why? Did it doo doo?

Woody: Did it doo doo? Ha-ha-ha-ha. That sounds like Morse code.

Bowen: Well, I was in the Army. BTS.

Woody: And I was in the Navy, Rihanna.

Bowen: I’ve never actually used that machine before. But I like how there’s a poster that shows you how to do the exercise.

[the poster shows two guys hugging]

Woody: Ah! It looks like two fellows exploring each other’s bodies.

Bowen: It’s helpful either way. You know, this place can be so sensual. Look, my gym crush over there.

[There’s a very old person there.]

Old guy: I see you.

Woody: What a hunk. This gym really is a place for everyone. Roid boys, yoga girls, gym rats.

Bowen: Look, there’s a gym rat over there. [There’s a rat carrying a dumbbell]  Wow, what a great day at the most beautiful gym in the world. I’m beginning to think I’ve made a new best friend.

Woody: As have I, friend. Now shall we get back to our workout?

Bowen: Great idea. There’s nothing like a good old stretch. Oh no, I tore my ACL.

Woody: What does that stand for?

Bowen: My ass crack and legs.

Woody: Oh no, then I think we’ve done enough for today. We’ve already worked the most important muscle.

Bowen: The pictorials?

Woody: Close. The heart.

Male voice: This has been Two men speak in the most beautiful gym in the world.

Wing Pit

[Starts with a group of people watching a game]

Male voice: The big game is right around the corner and Wing Pit has your party covered.

[door bell ringing]

Pedro: Wings are here.

All: Yes!

Male voice: We’ve got game day specials that will keep the whole party happy like our touchdown tray.

Heidi: Two dozen wings and two sauces delivered piping that to your door in time for kickoff, for only $24.99.

Pedro: That’s something we can both agree on.

Male voice: For calling audible and try Wing Pit Super Bowl supreme platform.

Heidi: Four dozen juicy buffalo wings for only $39.99.

Kenan: Now we’re talking.

Male voice: And if your party’s really raging, go for two with Wing Pit’s Tailgate Feast.

Heidi: 20 dozen wings, five ethnically troubling sauces like Asian zing and Jamaican me spicy, a gallon of ranch for just $89.99.

Pedro: Awesome. Thank you. We’re probably good on wings though.

Male voice: But you could be great on us with we pitch new tray of tears.

Heidi: 600 of our succulent wings, plus 15 butt destroying sauce, and a kiddie pool of ranch for $205.99.

Kenan: There’s only like 15 people here. We don’t need all that.

Male voice: But you want it, just like you want Wing Pit’s hard slurry chicken smoothie. It’s 40 liquified wings mixed with 80 proof grain alcohol. You must be over 12 to order.

Kenan: Over 12?

Male voice: And if you’re thirsty for more, try Wing Pit’s new chicken carnage platter.

Heidi: 3000 tangy wings packed in black contractor bag thrown straight through your window in time for kickoff.

Kenan: Hey, if you don’t stop, I’m calling the police.

Male voice: Well, good luck because we own the police. Wing Pit donates millions to police charities so we can operate with total immunity.

Heidi: And that let us serve you the chip noble.

Male voice: 5000 wings, 10,000 beaks, a full pallet of hot sauce Airdropped ranch. And two of the sickest saddest celery sticks you’ll ever see.

Heidi: All pumped in your party via cement chute.

Pedro: Why are you doing this?

Male voice: To honor Chirax the chicken god of death. To save the souls of the chickens you have slayed.

Pedro: No. Please make it stop.

Male voice: Your friend your sheer.

Male voice: Wing pit, let the slaughter begin.

Weekend Update- U.S. Shoots Down Chinese Spy Balloon, FBI Searches Biden’s Beach House

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a balloon.]

Earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotted crossing the United States officially ending history’s most complicated gender reveal party. And bad news for China, it’s a girl.

[picture changes to China’s map]

Chinese officials condemn the US decision to destroy the surveillance balloon saying it was a civilian aircraft. Okay, but even civilian aircraft can be extremely dangerous. [picture changes to Spirit airlines]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a book.]

Michael Che: The revised AP African American history class removed the names of several black authors that Florida officials called problematic. Instead, they’ve been replaced with authors they call “One of the good ones.”

[picture changes to George Santos]

Representative George Santos said that he is stepping aside from his committee assignments to prevent being a distraction. He added, “The last thing I want is attention,” then he sashayed away in a feather boa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Colin Jost: It was also reported that George Santos lied to potential campaign donors that he was a producer of the Broadway musical “Spider Man Turn Off the Dark.” Though he did end up working with the Green Goblin. [picture changes to George Santos wearing green dress] Thank you.

[picture changes to Kevin McCarthy]

Speaker The House Kevin McCarthy seen here wanting to know if you or someone you love has been injured in a car accident, met in person with President Biden about the debt ceiling and said they had a good conversation. It went so well, Biden let him pick a couple of classified documents out of the bowl.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: The FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware beach house but found no classified documents. Also, the next time somebody tells you that Biden got billions from China, remember that his beach house is in Delaware.

[picture changes to Donald Trump]

It was announced that Donald Trump’s golf courses will host three live golf tournaments this year furthering Trump’s ties to Saudi Arabia. That relationship makes sense. I mean, Saudi Arabia needs venues for their golf tournaments and Trump needs oil for that big old dump truck. [picture changes to Donald Trump playing tennis]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of capitol building.]

Colin Jost: Senate voted to designate January ‘National stalking Awareness Month,’ which is a good reminder that we’re only a few weeks away from stalker’s Christmas. [picture changes to a Valentine’s Day card] To close to home.

[picture changes to a handgun]

Florida has proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. Also everyone gets to do one murder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: Newly released video of a deposition to New York’s Attorney General’s Office shows former President Trump taking the 5th hundreds of times. Also taking a 5th, his lawyer. [picture changes to Giuliani holding a bottle of liquor]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’ a picture of LVII Super Bowl logo.]

Colin Jost: For the first time ever, two brothers will be facing off against each other in the Super Bowl. Incidentally, two brothers in the Super Bowl is why my grandfather won’t be watching.

Michael Che: On February, man. Wow.