Tag: season 48

Please Don’t Destroy – Self-Defense

Kurt lightning… Travis Kelce

John: Dude, where are our coffees? Wasn’t an intern supposed to grab them?

Ben: Let me check. Looks like they said we don’t get coffee’s for little bitch boys.

John: Again?

Ben: I mean, come on, man? Are we little bitch boys?

John: Guys, we need to learn how to stick up for ourselves.

Ben: We can’t keep getting bullied by interns.

John: I think I know someone who can help us.

Kurt Lightning: I’m Kurt lightning. And I know why you all signed up for my class. You’re searching for confidence. The confidence of not only knowing you can defend yourself, but that you’re somebody worth defending. Say it with me, I am worth it.

All: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Say it’s like you mean it.

All: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Feel it. You, get up here. What’s your name, son?

John: John.

Kurt Lightning: Oh, John. I can hear it in your voice. You feel small, don’t you son?

John: Yes.

Kurt Lightning: You got to own it, son. Own your truth.

John: I feel small.

Kurt Lightning: But you’re not small. Put your hands up. I am going to strike. And when I strike you deflect. And I want you to hit me back. And when you do, imagine I’m the voice in your head telling you “You aren’t worth it.” Because what are you?

John: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Now, are you ready?

John: I am ready.

[Kurt Lightning punches John so hard, he is knocked out on the floor]

Kurt Lightning: Woo-hoo. Too slow, fasto. Who’s next?

Ben: John? Are you okay? [to Kurt Lightning] Why did you do that to him?

Kurt Lightning: You’re next.

Ben: No, no, I don’t want to-

Kurt Lightning: Why are you so afraid, son?

Ben: You punched my friend and I’m worried he’s dead.

Kurt Lightning: That’s not it. You’re afriaid that your father was right.

Ben: I don’t want to talk about him.

Kurt Lightning: Well, that’s not an option. Because your father was wrong.

Ben: Kurt, please.

Kurt Lightning: You are a man and I need you to tell him that.

Ben: But how?

Kurt Lightning: Close your eyes.

[Kurt Lightning punches Ben so hard, now he is also knocked out on the floor]

Martin: Oh!

Kurt Lightning: Didn’t stand a chance, bucko! He really closed his eyes. [everyone is laughing]

Martin: Is this what the class is?

Kurt Lightning: You’ve been scared your whole life.

Martin: Oh, no.

Kurt Lightning: You lost your mother at a young age.

Martin: That didn’t happen.

Kurt Lightning: Because your father wasn’t there to protect her.

Martin: You’re making stuff up, man.

Kurt Lightning: But I’m here to show you that a man can defend the ones he loves. I want you to punch this woman right here. [there’s an old lady standing beside him]

Martin: No way.

Kurt Lightning: And I will deflect your strike.

Martin: Okay, but why are we doing this?

Kurt Lightning: I want to show you a real man defends the woman he loves.

Martin: Right, but you’re positive that you will block.

Kurt Lightning: Absolutely.

Martin: Because if I hit this woman, she will die.

Kurt Lightning: Punch her or I’m gonna punch you.

Martin: Okay, you got it.

[The old lady blocks the punch]

Old lady: Nice try, bitch.

Martin: Oh my god.

[Old lady throws Martin hard]

Kurt Lightning: Oh, Shally, you did that damn thing.

[a revolver falls out of Martin’s pants]

John: Martin, a revolver fall out of your pants? Why do you have this?

Martin: Because I live in fear. What do you think of in this class?

Old lady: Give me that. [throws all the bullet away except one] You want to play a game?

John: What? Russian Roullette?

Old lady: Ha-ha-ha. Feeling lucky, slick?

John: Come on, don’t do it.

[Ben throws the old lady to the shelf]

Ben: Are you okay? Oh my god.

[Kurt Lightning starts clapping. Everybody starts clapping.]

Kurt Lightning: Great work guys. You finally stood up for yourself.

Martin: What the hell are you talking about?

Kurt Lightning: I think somebody owes you some coffees.

[the interns walk in with coffees]

Ben: What? The interns?

Intern: Hey guys, after you shove that old lady into the trophy case, I finally respect you.

Ben: Thanks, guys.

[Kurt Lightning hits all three of them and they all fall]

Intern: And here’s your coffee. [they throw coffee on their faces]

Mama’s Funeral

Travis: I’m very honored to be here today, as we fondly remember mother, grandmother and lover, Miss Glenda. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Dylan. I was Glenda’s nurse and we had an intimate loving relationship in her final months.

Kenan: Wait. Mama started dating him?

Punkie: Well, good for you, Mama. That man is a fine.

Travis: I know how important Glenda was to you all, so I organized and funded this home going service in her honor. Now if you knew Glenda, you knew she was a free spirit.

Kenan: Yeah, what do you mean by that?

Travis: So I thought she would be laid to rest how we all knew her. Tada.

[Travis pulls the curtain. Glenda is there with a cigarette in her hips and bottle of soda in her hand.]

Kenan: What the hell is this?

Punkie: This white boy got our dead mama sitting up.

Travis: Yes, yes, I do. Shades on, world out, puffing on the menthol. That’s my Glinda.

Devon: How could you do this to her? She looks crazy.

Punkie: Well, at least he got it in a nice shirt.

Travis: Um-hmm, that’s Glenda. Little mom always Boolean. You know what hit different when they in the nightgown. Now, I’d like to open the floor to friends and family so they can share a few words in Glinda’s memory.

Kenan: Alright ,yeah. You know what? I’m not gonna let Vanillasaurus Rex over here ruin my mom a funeral. She was a good mama. Taught me everything I knew. She was strong.

[Travis is slurping soda from Glenda’s hand]

Stop it! She had a smile for every stranger and a story for every occasion. I swear, it’s like I can almost hear her voice now.

[Travis play a recording of Glenda]

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you’re letting out the good air.

Kenan: Hold on, that the-

Glenda’s recording: Don’t you embarrass me in front of these white people.

Travis: Don’t, right? They rigged her up, put a speaker in her. And all of her favorite sayings are right there.

Glenda’s recording: JJ acted stuck up because he got that small headed white girlfriend with him.

Sarah: Me? My head isn’t small.

Devon: Wait, you programmed her to say that?

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you let- let- let-

Travis: Oh, she’s stuck. I got this.

[Travis blows on her head]

Glenda’s recording: Letting all the good air out.

Kenan: Hey, man. You just blowed on my mama head like she was a Nintendo cartridge?

Travis: Let’s just move on. Glenda didn’t want this to be a sad service. DJ Roscoe, hit it.

[music playing]

[Glenda’s body is also dancing a bit]

Go ahead, Ms. Glenda. With your bad self.

Devon: Yo, you put hydraulics on my grandma?

Kenan: What the hell is wrong with you?

Travis: Hey, I spent $30,000 on this. And that’s every penny that she had. And I’ll be damned if I spend it in vain. Now y’all are gonna sit back and watch your mama go to heaven.

[Glenda’s chair starts throwing smoke like a rocket]

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you’re letting out the good air.

Garrett from Hinge

Kyra… Heidi Gardner

Travis Kelce

Garrett… Bowen Yang

Kyra: I can’t believe we just did that. Every time you’re in town, you suck me back in.

Travis: It’s because we were meant for each other baby.

Kyra: God, you know I bailed on a date tonight because of you.

Travis: Oh, your bad. Now come on. Should I make some pancakes? That is special recipe.

[Garrett walks in]

Garrett: Hey.

Kyra: Oh my god.

Garrett: Um, what’s up?

Kyra: What are you doing in my house?

Travis: Who is that?

Garrett: Um, I’m Garrett from Hinge. We had plans for seven at Buccacinos.

Travis: What? Kyra This is the guy you blew off?

Garrett: Yeah, afraid so. Now, I’m here and you’re in bed with like, a Hemsworth brother I didn’t know about? How do you think that makes me feel?

Kyra: Dude, you broke into my house? I don’t even know you.

Garrett: Yeah, you do. I’m Garrett from Hinge. AKA the guy who’s been waiting for you a Buccacinos like some kind of Sucka.

Kyra: What is your problem? Leave.

Garrett: Oh my god, this is so overwhelming. I’m gonna go to the bathroom and when I come out, we can figure this all out. Okay?

Kyra: There was nothing to figure out. Okay, we got to call the cops.

Travis: No, you can’t. I’m not supposed to be here. I can’t leave the state because my parole.

Kyra: Wait, what parole?

Garrett: [talking to the mirror] Garrett? I know your feelings are hurt. And that’s hard. But no matter what, you cannot kill them. Okay. [walks out of the bathroom] Alright, I’m back. And I’ve been thinking a lot about it. And I’m open to being a throuple.

Kyra: Yeah, we’re not gonna do that, Garrett.

Garrett: Kyra, tonight. You made me look like an absolute sucker. I left work early to change.

Travis: You changed into that Stewie Griffin t shirt?

Garrett: Can give you some advice, Kyra? If you’re not emotionally available, maybe don’t be on the apps right?

Kyra: Oh my god.

Garrett: Especially Hinge, because Hinge is the app that’s designed to be deleted, right?

Kyra: Okay, will you stop making the same pose as your shirt?

Garrett: Oh, Kyra, Kyra, Kyra. You want a little foot rub?

[Garrett starts rubbing Kyra’s foot]

Kyra: No, don’t rub my foot.

Garrett: Hey, it’s just me, Garrett from Hinge, the dating app for people who hate dating apps.

Kyra: Do you, like, work for Hinge?

Garrett: Hey, this little piggy left me at Buccacinos.

Kyra: No, stop.

Garrett: Oh my God. You know what? I need to use the restroom again. And I don’t mean to make this awkward, but could you please rapid test? There was a plandemic going on.

Kyra: Did he say plandemic?

Garrett: [talking to the mirror] Garrett, I know this is hard, but you cannot kill them. Even though it would be so easy, oh man, I really wish it and bring poison here. Guys! [walks out of the bathroom] You know what? I think I’m just gonna stay the night if that’s cool.

Kyra: No, Garrett, get your psychopath ass out of here now.

Garrett: Dammit, woman! Sorry, that was my Stewie impression.

Travis: No, Garrett, that was actually an amazing Stewie impression. And to be fair, Kyra, you did make him look like a sucker at Buccacinos. So you know what? Maybe we’re in the wrong too now. Get in here with us.

Garrett: Wow. Thanks guys. That’s so nice. Oh.

Travis: Oh damn, I’m positive.

Kyra and Garrett: You took it?

Fox & Friends Cold Open- Dominion Lawsuit

Steve Doocy… Mikey Day

Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… James Austin Johnson

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Famale voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set]

Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with my good friends Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.

Brian Kilmeade: Thank you, Steve. As always, we are coming to you live from our studio in New York City. New York what a cesspool.

Steve Doocy: Oh, that’s a Democrat run city for you.

Ainsley Earhardt: I know. Just today I was pushed onto the subway tracks by a homeless man and then push back on the platform by rats.

Steve Doocy: Argh, terrible. Well, you may have heard that Fox News is currently facing a $1.6 billion lawsuit from Dominion voting systems.

Brian Kilmeade: I’m surprised because I’m such a fan of Dominions. The little yellow guys with the overalls they go Banana.

Mike: No, Brian, not the Minions. We’re talking about the Dominion voting machines lawsuits. And our boss Rupert Murdoch gave some pretty shocking testimony in the case.

Ainsley Earhardt: This whole trial has been so unfair. They are raking him over the coals. Rupert Murdoch would never murder anyone.

Steve Doocy: Sorry. What?

Ainsley Earhardt: They sent him away for life. Look how sad he looks. Now, where’s that picture I found?

[a picture of Alex Murdoch appears on the screen]

Steve Doocy: Ainsley!

Ainsley Earhardt: What?

Steve Doocy: That’s not Rupert Murdoch. That’s Alex Murdoch.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, we just blew the case wide open. They got the wrong guy.

Steve Doocy: Okay, I’ll explain later. Anyway, Rupert Murdoch admitted that Fox News aired election fraud conspiracies to get ratings even though everyone at Fox knew they were false.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I didn’t. Loop a brother in next time.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, you may be wondering if it’s such a big story, why haven’t I heard about it on Fox?

Brian Kilmeade: I think it’s because they’re suing us for $1.6 billion.

Steve Doocy: No, it’s cuz it’s complete BS. The media is taking private texts from Fox News hosts and showing them completely out of content.

Brian Kilmeade: Like this one from Sean Hannity. “Rudy Giuliani is insane…” How could you leave out the rest? It’s “Rudy Giuliani is insanely hot. I just want to lick that head guy.”

Steve Doocy: Oh-hoo. I mean, who wouldn’t? Right? And some of the messages they showed at the trial didn’t even relate to the lawsuit at all. For example, the text “Mind blowingly nuts,” “Off the rails,” and “F-ing lunatic” were all sent in response to Laura Ingram’s text, “What should I put my Tinder bio?”

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay. You go girl. It’s hard out there.

Steve Doocy: All right. We have a special guest whose appearances on Fox were heavily featured in the trial, is a Fox News staple and happens to be our number one advertiser, it’s mMy Pillow’s Mike Lindell.

Mike Lindell: Hello Ainsley and the guys. I’m down at CPAC right now and it is an absolute blast. I was just over at the Biden dunk tank. It’s not the real Biden you dunk, but the actor is just as old. So you never know if he’s coming back up. There’s real risk there.

Brian Kilmeade: It’s great. Well, we’re glad to have you on but because of this lawsuit, our lawyers have asked you please don’t say anything crazy about Dominion.

Mike Lindell: No problem, I’ve been briefed. I know the rules. Every Dominion machine has a Venezuelan Oompah Loompah inside. They eat the votes with its little mouth.

Steve Doocy: Mike, gotta cut you off there, pal. You know, we can’t just be saying whatever anymore.

Mike Lindell: Oh, of course. Of course. Let me choose my words carefully. Dominion voting machines give triple votes to Democrats, illegals, and that lady Eminem that stuck shaving her pits.

Steve Doocy: Mike, okay, we’re gonna have to end it there.

Mike Lindell: That’s probably for the best. I have to say there’s whole Dominion thing has been a nightmare for me and my family, especially my wife. [pulls out a pillow] Sorry, Philomena, you know, it’s true.

Steve Doocy: All right. Okay. Well, let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll talk more about the Alex Murdoch’s sentencing with our Fox Crime expert, OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: What? Man, I don’t know why everybody thinks I’m an expert on this. Shoot. Booking me on the show without telling me why. Makes me so mad. I could just- No, I’m okay. Hey, man, live from New York. It’s Saturday night. You know what I’m saying?

Family Meeting

Dad… James Austin Johnson

Mom… Mom Nwodim

Sucre… Travis Kelce

Dad: Thanks for making the trip kids.

Chloe: Well, when you said it was an emergency, we flew in right away.

Marcello: Yeah, you’re kind of freaking us out. Are you guys okay?

Mom: Oh, we are better than okay.

Dad: Look, the truth is we had a hard time figuring out how to break the news.

Mom: That’s what the song is for.

Devon: The song?

Dad: I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but don’t worry, the song will explain everything.

[music playing]

[Dad and go hold mics]

Dad: [singing] When I think about love
I’m so grateful for the times we have

Mom: A beautiful house
our wonderful children
1000 memories good and bad

Dad: But we’ve been drifted apart from one another
even though we still love each other
but now she’s given our bed to another
but I’m cool with it and watch…
I watch from the corner

Devon: Wait, mom, you’re cheating on Dad?

Mom: God no. Didn’t you hear the part where he said he’s cool with it?

Dad: Yeah, I believe my exact words were I’m cool with it and I watch. I watch from the corner.

Marcello: So who’s the other man?

Chloe: I don’t know. But I would guess it’s the guy sitting in dad’s chair playing Streets of Rage II.

Sucre: What up?

Marcello: God, I’m so confused right now.

Mom: Oh, well I’m so glad you said that.

Dad: Because the next part of the song will explain everything.

[music playing]

Mom: His name is Sucre and he’s a felon
he explored my whole body like Magellan
he plays Streets of Rage II and then he pleasures me in bed

Dad: And I’m cool with it and I watch…
I watch from the corner

Chloe: I don’t understand why you’re so pumped about watching from the corner.

Devon: Yeah, and I’m sorry. His name is Sucre?

Sucre: Yeah, Sucre Willadauski.

Chloe: Well, what? You’re in a throttle now with a guy named Suecre Willadauski?

Sucre: Damn, you guys are being mad annoying right now. How many times your parents have to say this? The next part of the song will explain everything.

Dad: Thank you, Sucre.

Sucre: And by the way, I’m not happy that I just had to stop just now. You distracting me so badly that a guy with a mohawk just punched me and my health window.

Dad: I think you guys should apologize to Sucre about the mohawk guy.

Devon: No, I’m not apologizing to Sucre. You got to tell us what’s actually happening.

Mom: Well, we’re trying to but you keep interrupting.

Sucre: The next part of the song really tpills things out.

[music playing]

[singing] My name spelled S-U-C-R-E- W-O-L-O-D-R-Ski.

Devon: Yo, spelling of your name was not the part we were confused about.

Sucre: Hey, can I ask you a question?

Dad: Yes, Sucre.

Sucre: How are these three kids yours?

Mom: I was on top for him. [for Devon]

Dad: Yeah. And I was on top for her. [for chloe]

Mom: Then we did it on the side one time and he came out. [for Marcello Hernandez]

Marcello: That’s not how it works.

Chloe: Okay, you guys are adults. You can do what you want. I just want to make sure that you didn’t touch the grandkids college funds.

Dad: Of course, we go over that in this next part.

[music playing]

Mom: The money’s all gone now.

Devon: Wait, you gave all the college money to Sucre?

Dad: Sucre this, Sucre that. What do you think of the guitar solo?

Devon: This a nightmare.

Sucre: Guys, I know this is a lot to take in. But I have some good news. I just be Streets of Rage II. This is the best day of my life.

All: Sucre!

Mom: Also, I’m not 100% sure, but I’m almost positive I’m pregnant.

All: Sucre!

Dad: And watch from the corner.

American Girl Café

Shane… Mikey Day

Travis Kelce

Shane: And some more tea for Clara Bell, but make sure Claire Bell knows it’s very hot. Okay?

Girl: Okay.

Sarah: Thank you.

Shane: Thank you.

[There’s a man wearing a pink suit in the cafe sitting with two dolls]

Hi there. Welcome to American Girl cafe. I’m Shane. I’ll be taking care of you this afternoon. I still see you’re waiting on some folks.

Travis: Nope. Gang’s all here.

Shane: Okay. So you’re not waiting for your daughter or niece?

Travis: Nope. Just me and the girls. This is Claire. That’s Isabel. [introducing the dolls]

Shane: Okie dokie. I always start by asking if there are any food allergies I should be aware of?

Travis: No, but this one is doing keto right now.

Shane: Okay. And are you allowed within 1000 feet of the school?

Travis: Yes, why?

Shane: Just a standard question we ask all of our patrons. Can I start you out with something to drink?

Travis: A glass of Rosae. I’ll need a drink to get me through lunch with these two drama queens.

Shane: Okay. Wonderful. I just need to see your ID. So sorry. They make us ask everyone. [Travis gives him his ID] Thanks. And so you don’t have any other names you use, right? This is the name that would appear on any online court documents or registered on any government list?

Travis: That’s the one but the only list you’ll find me on is the hungriest customer list.

Shane: Right? Okay, shall I bring you some menus then?

Travis: No need. I already know what I want. I’ll have a 64 ounce Porterhouse rare.

Shane: Okay, so unfortunately, we do not serve giant steaks here. It’s just a cafe.

Travis: Oh, well, we’ll need menus then. But FYI, don’t bring out any kids menus for the girls. Isabella just had her period and she thinks she’s a woman now.

Shane: Wonderful. Thank you for telling me that. Let me just take a quick look under here. Make sure you’re not aroused. No. All clear. Okay, I’ll be back shortly.

[Sarah walks to Travis with her daughter]

Sarah: Hi, my daughter is shy but she wanted to know if your dolls wanted some of her pizza.

Travis: Thanks. but no thanks. They don’t need the calories, and frankly, neither does your daughter.

Sarah: What did you say to me?

Travis: The truth Honey. Bye now.

Heidi: Hi there. I’m Lucy the manager. Just a safety thing we do here. You mind always keeping both hands on the table? Just so we know you’re not doing anything inappropriate under there. Sorry. It’s a vestige of the COVID era. Enjoy.

[There’s Kenan sitting with his daughter and a doll at the next table]

Kenan: Wow, how cool is this sweetheart? I hope Logan is hungry.

Travis: Oh, check your makeup, girls. Boy alert.

Kenan: Hello, is there a reason that your dolls are looking at us, sir?

Travis: You bring a stud like that in here, he’s gonna turn a few heads.

Kenan: Ha-ha-ha. [to Shane] Excuse me?

Shane: Yes.

Kenan: Yeah. That gentleman at that table-

Shane: Oh, he is here alone. But he seems to be harmless.

Kenan: So he’s not-

Shane: Aroused? No, I checked.

Kenan: Okay. And you’re sure he’s harmless? Because I really don’t like what he’s doing right now.

Travis: Isabelle said she was hot, but I think she just wanted to show her body off.

Kenan: Yeah, he talking about showing up the body of a doll. That’s not my favorite thing I’ve heard today. He’s coming over here. Okay.

[Travis brings his doll and puts it on side of Kenan’s doll]

Travis: Let the flirting begin. Don’t worry, she’s on the pill.

Shane: You know what? Let me just- Darius? Can you?

Darius: Yeah? What’s up? Lucy said we have a possible creeper in here?

Kenan: Yeah, over there.

Darius: Huh. All right. Don’t worry sir. I’m on it

Shane: Thank you so much.

[Darius walks to Sarah]

Darius: [to Sarah] Ay, listen up pervert! You do anything shady in here, we’re gonna have a problem. You understand me?

Sarah: What did you just say to me?

Darius: The truth, honey.

Abby the Ex-Girlfriend

Abby… Heidi Gardner

Graham… Travis Kelce

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Sarah Sherman

Ego: Okay, that movie was wild.

Abby: Yeah, Paddington three was not what I expected.

Sarah: That was cocaine bear.

Abby: Okay, see? I was so worried about Paddington.

Sarah: Shoot, Abby, Graham is here.

Ego: Abby, we can totally leave.

Abby: Look out. It’s been three years. I can be around my ex. I’m totally cool.

[Abby walks to her ex]

Hey, stranger. How are you, Bubba?

Graham: Abby. Hey, it’s it’s been a minute. What’s new?

Abby: I’m actually in the best place I’ve been in a long time. Yeah, I’m with someone new and life is pretty rad. How have you been? You look like hell. Just kidding. Just kidding. You look awesome.

Graham: Yeah, I’ve been good. Working out a lot. Oh, hey, thanks for paying me back about my car getting fixed.

Abby: Yeah, sorry. I do that kettlebell through your windshield. I had a lot to process, but now I can look at you with no attachment. And I think that’s pretty freakin rad.

Madison: Sorry, babe. The line for the bathroom was crazy.

Graham: Madison, this is Abby.

Madison: Oh, hi.

Abby: Oh, you two are together? Well, congrats. You got yourself a stunning girlfriend.

Graham: This is my fiance.

Abby: Your fiance?

[Abby’s eye starts tearing like it’s squirting]

Graham: Abby, are you crying?

Abby: No. Remember, I just had that thing with my eyes where I had to poke it up?

Graham: I don’t, but if you say so.

Abby: Yeah. So how did you two meet?

Graham: We met on a little cruise.

Madison: Well, it wasn’t a cruise for me. I’m a bosun on Below Deck.

Abby: Okay, that’s my dream job.

Graham: Abby, are you okay?

Abby: Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s that eye thing again. I’m fine. I might just have to hold them. You guys can kiss if you want. I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Graham: We’re really not trying to kiss this moment.

Madison: So how do you guys know each other?

Abby: Oh my god, girl. How long do you have?

Graham: Abby and I went on one date in 2019.

Abby: Okay, excuse me, we went on three dates. It was dinner and movie and a walk.

Graham: The walk was from dinner to the movie. The whole thing was like two hours.

Abby: Okay, regardless, Graham and I have history. But now I think we’re killing this friends thing, Bubba.

Madison: Well, we’re moving next month, but you’ll have to come visit us if you’re ever in New Orleans.

Abby: Where the Saints Go marching.

Graham: Oh my god. Abby, do you need a tissue?

Abby: No. Because these are happy tears.

Madison: I mean, you know, we’re really happy too. It feels like a great place to raise a kid.

Abby: You’re pregnant? Yes!

Madison: Yes, we’re doing August, but maybe we should talk about something else. I’m starting to feel bad.

Graham: You shouldn’t. It was one date.

Abby: Okay, look. Okay. None of that matters now because like I said, I am in a relationship and it’s so good. He’s a little bit older and he’s totally ripped.

Graham: Abby, that’s great for you. I’m happy.

[Jason Kelce walks in and hugs Abby]

Jason: Hey, Baba, sorry, I’m late. Is this guy bothering you? Do you need me to beat him up? Cuz I definitely could.

Graham: Wait, that’s your boyfriend?  It’s totally cool. [Graham starts becoming teary] Oh my god. It’s totally cool. Oh my god.

Weekend Update- Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly’s Prison Sentences, NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of books.]

Colin Jost: The publisher of Roald Dahl’s books announced that they’re altering some of his insensitive language like the words “fat” and “ugly”, as well as modernizing his portrayal of women, which will mostly affect dolls beloved children’s classic, “the fat ugly wife who knew her place”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Brittney Griner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that Brittney Griner has signed with the Phoenix Mercury for one year. Unfortunately, the WNBA pays less than a Russian prison.

[picture changes to an alligator]

A four foot long alligator was discovered in Brooklyn’s prospect park. So you can probably take down all those missing dog posters.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]

Colin Jost: This week, both Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly were given additional prison sentences on top of the ones they are already serving. Which brings us to Michael Che’s new segment, “What do they even do wrong?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]

Michael Che: I mean, if anything, they’re guilty of loving too much, right? Players gotta play, am I right? Ladies? No!

Male voice: This has been “What did they even do wrong?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New Jersey map.]

Colin Jost: You made some really good points, Michael. A new report shows that New Jersey has the second worst roads in the country. While the worst roads are the ones that go into New Jersey.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a pack of Vitamin C pills]

Michael Che: Experts have debunked claims that an unwanted pregnancy can be terminated with high doses of vitamin C. Well, that’s the last time I ask a woman to stay over for breakfast, Colin.

The NBA slam dunk was won by MAC McClung, a 6’2″ white man who has only appeared in two NBA games, which is just a terrible way to end Black History Month.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Push for more people in winter sports”.]

Colin Jost: The National brotherhood of skiers is pushing for greater representation of black people in winter sports, which are predominantly white. Hmm. So it seems like someone’s a little jealous that we took their precious dunk contest.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on February Michael Che7th.]

Michael Che: Monday is national polar bear day, previously known as national “polar bears” day. I don’t know, I love this audience. It’s going great from me.

A woman at an art fair in Miami accidentally shattered a Jeff Koons sculpture worth more than $40,000. Well, I guess it’s like you always say, Colin, coons ain’t safe in Florida.

Colin Jost: You’re gonna get me killed.

Weekend Update- Gina Bianchi on the Joys of Motherhood

Gina Bianchi… Heidi Gardner

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that the COVID baby bump is over as fewer Americans are choosing to have kids. Here to comment on the joys of motherhood is Gina Bianchi, a woman with four daughters and one son?

[Gina Bianchi slides in]

Gina Bianchi: Hi. Hey, sweetheart. Oh, you boys look so nice.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Gina. So you’re a mom of five . Tell us about motherhood.

Gina Bianchi: Oh my god. I love it. I mean, so I’ve got my four daughters. And you know, my daughter, they’re fine. But, my son. Oh my god, I love my son. Okay, so he came over last Sunday. He was hungover. I mean, he’s always hungover. What was he doing? He’s in my fridge. Okay, he’s pulling out ham, turkey, mayonnaise. He’s filling up a cooler. He leaves. Doesn’t say bye. I’m cracking up. And my daughter’s, they say, “You can’t take ma’s food. That’s ma’s food.” I say, “Who cares? Girls, shut up.” Anthony’s 38 years old. He’s a growing boy. Oh, my daughter is so annoying. But my son, oh I love my son.

Colin Jost: Right. I got it. So what would you tell someone that’s on the fence about having kids?

Gina Bianchi: They surprise you every day. Like yesterday, my son. [laughing] Oh, what was he doing? Oh, he was going through my wallet. The kid is pulling out $20, $40, $60 bills. He writes himself a check for 14 grand from my checkbook. Okay. What’s he writing on the memo? Putting up with ma. I’m dying over here. I’m dying over here. My daughters say, “That’s ma’s money. You can’t take ma’s money.” I’m like, “Girls, please. You’re not pretty enough to be this irritating.” But my son, oh my god, I love my son.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, no, we’ve heard a lot about your son. Well, why don’t you tell me about your daughters?

Gina Bianchi: They’re doctors. But my son, he did this hilarious prank last night where he pretended to rob me at gunpoint.

Colin Jost: Oh, no, that’s terrible.

Gina Bianchi: My daughter’s say “You can’t do that.” My daughters? Argh, they bought me a house. But my son? I mean, I would if I could.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Well, yeah. Let’s getting back to the topic of parenthood. Do you think your kids are going to have kids someday?

Gina Bianchi: Oh, please. There’s not a woman out there good enough for my son.

Colin Jost: Okay, so Anthony’s single.

Gina Bianchi: No. He’s been married for two years. And I just have this feeling, okay? That she has given him nothing in bed. Like she completely ignores his balls. What?

Colin Jost: Okay. Why are you thinking about that?

Gina Bianchi: Okay. And I bet she’s obsessed with having an orgasm. Like, no honey, that’s not how it works. When he’s done, you’re done.

Colin Jost: Gina Bianchi, everyone.

Gina Bianchi: I love all my kids equally.

Weekend Update- Biden Meets with Zelenskyy in Ukraine, the Oscars’ Crisis Team

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Zelenskyy]

This week, President Biden made a historic visit to Ukraine and met with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, where they greeted each other like two action figures having sex. Then on the one year anniversary of the war in Ukraine, both Biden and Vladimir Putin gave speeches about the conflict. There was a language barrier, but the subtitles helped me figure out what Biden was saying. Many Republicans are criticizing President Biden’s decision to go to the Ukraine instead of going to Ohio to deal with a toxic train derailment. But Biden said he was just waiting to shoot the train down until it was over the ocean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden is being praised for his surprise visit to Ukraine by taking a 10 hour train ride from Poland. You know who else takes a long ass train ride through an active war zone? Every New Yorker.

[picture changes to Ukraine map]

China’s trying to help in the war in Ukraine and propose a 12 part plan for peace. The catch is the 12 parts have to be assembled by children.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump visited East Palestine the site of the recent train derailment because Trump usually likes to try to make himself look better by standing next to a train wreck. [picture changes to Giuliani]

The train that was derailed was carrying highly toxic vinyl chloride, which I think is something Trump recommended as a cure for COVID. Then while visiting the disaster site, Trump also gave out bottles of Trump branded water. Said residents, “Thanks but we’d rather drink the toxic train water.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture Pete Buttigieg.]

Michael Che: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg visited the site of the train derailment and was criticized for wearing leather dress boots. But give him a break, that’s all they had at baby GAP.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictre of Tucker Carlson.]

Colin Jost: Tucker Carlson seen here at a whites only rave has been granted access to over 40,000 hours of security footage from the January 6 attack on the Capitol. “Who could watch all that without going insane?” said psychiatrist about Tucker Carlson show.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene.]

Michael Che: Georgia representative and cocaine bear Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted the country needs a national divorce, which makes sense because she’s the most divorce looking woman I have ever seen.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is releasing a new memoir called “The Courage To Be Free”. Even though the courage to be free sounds like a black history book he’s banned.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of The Oscars logo.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that the producers of this year’s Academy Awards have set up a crisis team to deal with any incidents similar to last year as Will Smith slap. Guys, it’s not gonna happen again. I’m sure you wish it would for ratings. If anything, the promos for the Oscars should be “Who’s gonna get slapped this year?” “Can Ana de Armas beat the  Tar out of Caitlyn?” “Which Banshee will knock the shoes off Marcel the Shell?” And “Who has what it takes to whale on Brendan Fraser?”