Tag: Taran Killam

The Loveliest Kingdom

Judith… Aidy Bryant

Thomas… Bobby Moynihan

School Mam… Kate McKinnon

Avanathy… Jon Rudnitsky

Pastor Dane… Taran Killam

Bernard… Tracy Morgan

Cecily Strong

Branda… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with the book ‘The Loveliest Kingdom’.]

[Cut to Judith and Thomas in the market]

Judith: Good morning, farmer Thomas.

Thomas: Oh, good morning spinster Judith. Care for an apple?

Judith: Oh, how generous. I’ll pay for it with a kiss.

Thomas: No need.

Judith and Thomas: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Mam and Avanathy]

Mam: Well, good morning, Avanathy.

Avanathy: Good morning School Mam.

Mam: Shouldn’t you be in school?

Avanathy: Well, shouldn’t you?

Mam: Well, it’s okay for adults to take beautiful days off.

Mam and Avanathy: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Pastor Dane and Bernard]

Pastor Dane: Ah! Good morning clock maker Bernard.

Bernard: Well, hello there Pastor Dane.

Pastor Dane: Oh, this morning finds you in a jolly mood.

Bernard: I should be.

Pastor Dane: Oh, do tell.

Bernard: I saw a horse take a wiz. It was insane.

Pastor Dane: What

Bernard: It made a puddle so big, our duck landed in it.

Pastor Dane and Bernard: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Bernard leaves and Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Good morning, Pastor Dane. Is there something of matter?

Pastor Dane: Oh, no. No. I don’t think so. I was just talking to Bernard the clock maker. [Bernard walks in]

Bernard: Hey, can I ask you a girl question?

Cecily: Ah! I bet I know what it is and yes, you may have a buttercup.

Bernard: No. Do you cross your legs when you sit on the toilet?

Cecily: Why do I do what?

Bernard: You know, so if someone walks in, you look like a lady.

Bernard and Cecily: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Dancers are dancing behind Pastor Dane, Bernard and Cecily. Everyone joins them.]

Everybody: This morning is like no morning before

This morning teachers mornings what mornings are for

[Branda walks by]

Pastor Dane: Oh, good morning cheese maker Branda.

Branda: Oh, yes. What a wonderful day it is.

Bernard: It sure is. I wrote a song about titties. Anybody wants to hear it?

Thomas: Bernard! It is 8 am and you are out here in the middle of the square talking utter nonsense. What is wrong with you?

Bernard: I’m just expressing myself. If something’s going on with me? I just say it. Sometimes I don’t even think. You guys are too uptight to say what’s on your mind.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Judith: He has a point.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: So? Who wants to go first?

[Cut to Pastor Dane]

Pastor Dane: Well, I guess it shall be me.

[Pastor Dane pulls Avanathy]

I’m sleeping with this boy child.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: Wait! [Bernard walks to Pastor Dane and Avanathy] You dong what?

Pastor Dane: Well, Bernard, maybe child is not the right word. He is 18.

Avanathy: He waited till I was 18, so it’s cool

Bernard: No, no, no. You did what?

Pastor Dane: Let’s get the music going.

Bernard: Dude, there ain’t no music. You shouldn’t have told us that.

Pastor Dane: Someone else can take a turn. Cheese lady, go.

[Cut to Branda]

Branda: I can’t even talk right now.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Avanathy: It’s okay. If anything, I pushed for it.

Bernard: Alright, it’s okay, as long as you’re happy. It just seems weird.

[Cut to everybody]

Hey, did I tell you about the puddle the horse made?

Everybody: [singing] And on our way we go!

[The End]

Tango

Karen… Sasheer Zamata

David… Taran Killam

Tracy Morgan

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Karen and David in the bar booth]

Karen: It’s not a big deal. Just let it go.

[David is having a beer]

David: Uh-uh. I’m just gonna talk to him man to man.

[David starts walking]

Karen: Promise me you won’t lose your temper.

[Karen reaches to Morgan and Jay]

Karen: Excuse me. Excuse me!

[Morgan turns around]

Morgan: Yeah, wad up?

Karen: My girlfriend says you made some inappropriate comments when she walked by? We have a problem?

[Jay talks to Morgan]

Jay: Yo! I know you’re not gonna let a man talk to you like this.

Morgan: Nah! There ain’t no problem. Lovely dove is looking good. Just thought I let her know.

Karen: Let’s just go.

David: Yeah, the thing is she doesn’t need you to let her know anything.

Morgan: Who do you think you talking to?

David: I’m pretty sure I’m talking to you.

Morgan: You wanna tangle with something?

David: Let’s dance right now, bro.

Karen: David!No!

Morgan: Then it’s a good thing I got on my dancing shoes boy! Your lead.

David: After you buddy.

Morgan: [raising his arms] Grab my waist

David: What? Grab your waist?

Morgan: Your lead, fool.

[Karen pulls David away]

Karen: I don’t think he wants to fight. I think he actually wants to dance.

Morgan: You’re damn right I do.

David: No. It’s just a euphemism, Karen.

Karen: No, but look at his shoes.

[Cut to Morgan’s shoes. He is wearing ballet dancing shoes.]

[David walks to Morgan again]

David: Alright, look. Can we just say what we really mean for a second?

Morgan: Now you wanna talk? What happened to all that dancing you promised though?

Karen: This is just a big misunderstanding.

Morgan: If you don’t want to try on me man, then just be a man and say it. You don’t wanna take me bro? You don’t wanna put a rose in my mouth?

David: No! No, I don’t wanna do any of those things. Look, you don’t– I don’t even know how to tango.

Morgan: You wanna learn?

David: No.

Morgan: Why? You scared?

David: What? No!

Morgan: [yelling] Then put your hands on my waist!

David: I thought you wanted to fight.

Morgan: In these shoes?

David: Forget I said anything. Karen, let’s get our of here.

[Karen and David walk away]

Morgan: Oh, I see what’s going on here now. You see the baggy clothes, the hooded sweatshirt, and all you think is I’m some type of thug.

Karen: We didn’t mean that.

Morgan: You sound just like my pops. All I ever wanted to do was dance, lady! I come in by every night. I lean on this jukebox every night hoping that someday someone wants to share the magical rhythm with me. Not with these. [showing his fists]  But with these. [showing his ballet dancing shoes]

Jay: Hilarious!

Karen: It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Sir, I’ll dance with you.

Morgan: No. It’s gotta be him. [pointing at David] I can’t lead. I don’t know how. And you can’t give me.

Karen: David?

[Morgan looks very sad. David feels for him.]

David: Alright. I’ll tango with you.

Morgan: [smiling] Word?

David: [laughing] Yes, word.

[Jay plays a music for tango]

[David and Morgan are ready to dance]

Morgan: alright, grab my waist.

[David grabs Morgan’s waist]

Ou! Not that hard.

[David and Morgan start dancing]

[The End]

Democratic Debate Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Jon Rudnitsky

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Lincoln Chafee… Kyle Mooney

Jim Webb… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Good evening and welcome to the first Democratic debate of the 2016 campaign. I’m your moderator Anderson Cooper and I hope I do you proud tonight, Kathy Griffin. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former governor of Maryland, Martin O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley walking to his podium]

Martin O’Malley: Hello. I’m Martin O’Malley. This is what my voice sounds like. This is what my face looks like. When I was bear of Baltimore, I did such a good job they made two TV shows about my city, Homicide and The Wire.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Former Road Island governor, Lincoln Chafee.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee walking to his podium]

Lincoln Chafee: Hey, everyone. I’m Lincoln Chafee. I used to be senator. That was fun. And now I’m here. This is fun too.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Former US senator, Jim Webb.

[Cut to Jim Webb walking to his podium]

Jim Webb: Hello. I’m Jim Webb and it’s about damn time I get to talk. What has it been? A thousand years? Here’s the deal. I fought in Vietnam. And I’m not gonna brag about how much ass I kicked but let’s just say I kicked every single ass.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Now that we’ve met those people, let’s bring out the real candidates. Former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to her podium]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. I think you’re really gonna like the Hillary Clinton that my team and I have created for this debate. She’s warm but strong. Flawed, yet perfect. Relaxed but racing full speed toward the White House like the T1000 from Terminator.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: And from the state of Vermont, senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders walking to his podium]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah! Hello, hello. Enough with the hellos. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Senator Sanders, how are you?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m good. I’m hungry but I’m good. And now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna dialect right up to 10.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Go right ahead.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We’re doomed. We need a revolution. Millions of people on the streets. And we got to do something. And we got to do it now. Ah!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Bernie, pace yourself. Now, before we begin, we at CNN wanna say quick word to vice president Joe Biden. Joe, if you decide to run at any time tonight, we will happily make room for you on the stage. No press, but we’d love to have you. Wouldn’t we, candidates?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Uh-huh!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay. Let’s get started. This first question is for everyone. Senator Sanders, some of your opponents believe regulating Wall Street is enough. What is your position on the big banks?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Ah! Not a fan of the banks. They trap a lot in the middle class, they control Washington and why do they chain all that that pens to the desks? Who’s trying to steal a pen from a bank? It makes no sense. That’s why we gotta break up the banks into little pieces and then flush the pieces down the toilet so you can never put the banks back together. Then you just make the bankers pay for college for everyone. And America’s fixed! Ay!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: America, allow me to pop an ice cube in that scalding hot soup he just served you. We do need to fix things Bernie, but you’re promising everyone a golden goose. And there is no golden goose. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] So, America, follow me coz I got some chicken that will do.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can find the goose. I found geese before and I can find them again. They congregate near ponds. It’s not rocket science.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Wait a minute, do you all like this? I’m not losing, am I? I mean in 2008, of course I lost. I was running against a cool black guy. But this year, I thought I got to be the cool black guy.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Excuse me, it’s me Jim Webb, your future president. I was promised I’d get time but I’ve had no time. Where is my time? Come on Anderson, lobe one at me. Give Jimmy W a shot and watch him sore.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, senator. Sure. Here is a question. You’re the only democrat up here with an A-rating from the NRA. Wanna tell us why?

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Pass!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, our next question is for governor O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley. He was not ready.]

Martin O’Malley: Really?

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: No. It’s for Hillary. Senator Clinton, you’re struggled to put your scandal behind you.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [interrupting] Ah! Sorry, just clearing my throat. Go on.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: What does the email scandals say about your ability to handle other crisis as president?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, I welcome this question because I rehearsed this one the longest.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: [interrupting] You know what? Can I just jump in here? This may not be great politics, but I think the American people are sick and tired of hearig about your damn emails.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Thank you.

[Hillary Clinton shakes her hand with Bernie Sanders]

Thank you, Bernie. Got, it must be fun to scream and cuss in public. I have to do all mine in tiny little jars.

Bernie Sanders: Hey, what’s the deal with emails anyway? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I forgot my password the other day. So, they say we’ll email you a new one. But I can’t get in to my email to get the password. I mean, talk about a ball buster.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]

Lincoln Chafee: Excuse me, Anderson. Not to be a little stinker, but I think the emails are a big deal. We need good ethics in the White House.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Secretary Clinton, do you want to respond?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Hillary Clinton: No.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, then. Next question, how would you each differentiate yourself from the Obama Administration?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: For me, I’m an outsider Anderson. I’m the only candidate up here who is not a billionaire. I don’t have super pack. I don’t even have a back-pack. I carry my stuff around loose in my arms like a professor, you know, between classes. I own one pair of underwear. That’s it! Some of these billionaires, three-four pairs. And I don’t have a drawer. I have to put my clothes on the radiator. So, who do you want as president? One of these Washington insiders? Or guy who has one pair, a clean underwear that he dries on a radiator? BernieSanders.com, check it out. It’s a mess.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen my teens and my twenty-somethings, I get it. He’s cool. He’s the song of the summer. He’s Trap Queen by Fetty Wap.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

But I’m the birthday song, guys, and you’re gonna be singing me until the day you die.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Excuse me. President Webb here. Where is my time? I know I’ve got this in the bag but I need some more time. So, come on Andy. Hit me with a question right between the eyes, direct shot right here.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, senator, here’s a question. You once said that affirmitive action is racist against whites. Explain.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Pass.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, it’s now time for one final statement from each of the candidates. We’ll begin with governor O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley]

Martin O’Malley: America, let me just say this. I may not have been much to listen to tonight… [stops]

Oh, sorry. That’s all. You can cut away.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]

Lincoln Chafee: Oh, boy, what a debate. And to think the center of it all was me. Lincoln Dabbin Poor Chafee. Well, good night America. Bye forever.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: America, I didn’t have enough time but I still crushed it. See you in the White House. President Webb out.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: This debate has been a blast. But let me leave you with one sobering thought. If you get into bed with Bernie Sanders tonight, you’re gonna wake up with President Trump tomorrow. So instead, get into bed with me, Hillary Clinton. You can be the big spoon and I’ll be downstairs hard at work.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what I don’t understand, America? These podiums. What are you supposed to do with your elbows. Rest them on top? They too short! Anyway, I’m Bernie Sanders and come next November, I will be Hillary Clinton’s vice president.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is smiling and clapping.]

How cool is that?

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders hug]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Astronaut Jones

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Jones… Tracy Morgan

Marcina… Tina Fey

[Starts with Cecily briefing an incident to her staff]

Cecily: Here’s what we know so far. At around 4:30 am yesterday our satellites detected a storm approaching the area’s three mission site on mars. The storm escalated to severe and we had no choice but to abort the mission. But during the evacuation, one of our men was lost. We’ll give you more information as we get it.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Captain, you need to see something.

[Cut to Kate on a computer. Taran and Cecily walk in.]

Show her.

Kate: This is the Satellite feed of Mars right now.

Taran: Look at those robo tracks. Someone has been moving around up there.

Cecily: What are you saying?

Taran: It’s him.

Cecily: That’s impossible.

Taran: He’s still alive up there.

Cecily: He died in the storm.

[alert bell ringing]

Kate: Oh, my god. We just received an incoming video message from Mars.

Cecily: This can’t be happening.

Taran: Play it. Play the message.

[Cut to the video message. It’s an astronaut without his space helmet in outer space]

Jones: Hello, it’s me astronaut Jones.

[music start playing]

[Astronaut Jones intro starts]

[singing] I’m taking a rocket
I’m packing my suitcase
and look out moon
yeah, on rocket
into outer space
goodbye human race
I’ll be there soon
pass out for an adventure
yes, I said adventure
collecting stones
yeah, it’s my way
on the space highway
that’s why they all say
there goes astronaut Jones

Male voice: Hey! It’s Astronaut Jones in the Martian.

[Cut to Jones]

Jones: This is astronaut Jones. My crew left without me. I’m alone on the planet Mars. Oh, wait! I hear somebody.

[Marcina walks in in a pink glossy dress]

Marcina: Space man, my name is Marcina. Proud ruler of the Martian people.

Jones: Yeah, right.

Marcina: We understand [Jones is mumbling things that sound like what Marcina is saying] that you’ve been abandoned here and require subsistence  just arrived for 400 souls. Until you can be returned to your home, we are willing to help you. Give you food and water. In return, help us make contact with the earthlings and understand their strange way. What do you say, space man?

Jones: I say you take that butt out of the space suit and let me see it clap.

[Cut to Astronaut Jones video bumper]

I’m taking a rocket
I’m packing my suitcase

Male voice: Astronaut Jones, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb production.

Guns

Amy Schumer

Kenan Thomspon

Jay Pharoah

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Amy waiting for someone in a restaurant]

Female voice: Whatever you’re waiting for

[Cut to Kenan and Jay sitting together and reading a book]

Whatever you face.

[Cut to Beck staying late at office]

[Cut to Kyle looking around alone in the party]

Whatever you’re looking for.

[Cut to Bobby and Venessa in a taxi. Venessa is pregnant.]

There are things that we share.

[Cut to Amy. Taran arrives and gives Amy a present and sits next to her.]

Love.

[Cut to Kenan and Jay]

Family.

[Cut to Beck. Aidy is comforting Beck]

Connection.

[Cut to Kyle. He walks up to Sasheer and talks to her]

Kyle: Hey.

Sasheer: Hey.

[Cut to Kate running]

Female voice: A sense of purpose.

[Cut to a taxi parking at the hospital. Bobby is getting Venessa out.]

[Cut to Amy opening her present. There’s a gun inside.]

And also, guns.

Taran: You like it?

Amy: I love it.

[Cut to Kenan and Jay. Kenan has a gun in his hand.]

Female voice: Guns are there.

[Cut to Kate running with a gun.]

In lighter moments,

[Cut to Venessa getting out of the taxi with a big fun]

and big ones. When things fall apart.

[Cut to Beck and Aidy. Beck has his gun disassembled.]

Or it comes all together.

[Cut to a gun rotating on a table. As it stops Kyle and Sasheer kiss.]

[Cut to Kenan and Jay]

They unite us.

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Comfort us.

[Bobby is pushing Venessa on a wheelchair while Venessa is pointing a big gun at the hospital counter.]

Bring us joy.

[Aidy assembles Beck’s gun and they hug out.]

And strength.

[Cut to Kate running and shooting at sky.]

From first loves,

[Cut to Kyle and Sasheer shooting guns at a shooting star]

to new beginnings,

[Cut to Venessa holding a baby and Bobby is handing a small gun to the baby.]

wherever life takes you.

[Cut to Amy and Taran sleeping. Amy has a gun gun in her hand.]

Guns, we’re here to stay.

FOX & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Taran Killam

Elisabeth Hasselbeck… Venessa Bayer

Brian Kilmeade… Bobby Moynihan

Jason Chaffetz… Pete Davidson

Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching FOX & friends.

[Cut to Steve, Elisabeth and Brian in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Steve: Welcome back to FOX & friends. I’m Steve Doocy. And with me is usual Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Brian Kilmeade.

Elisabeth: Hi there.

Brian: Good morning.

Steve: Well, congress is having a few problems.

Elisabeth: What else is new?

Brian: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha. that’s so true. Now that representative Kevin McCarthy has withdrawn from the race for house speaker, the position is wide open.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I don’t know why they don’t let them all speak.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Now, here’s something interesting actually. Um, you know that the speaker doesn’t actually have to be a member of congress? It can be anybody. Folks have thrown our names like Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, I don’t know about him. That’s the man who stole Christmas.

[Cut to all]

Elisabeth: You know, I’d love to see Tim Tibow.

Steve: Oh, solid. Solid! What about Buzz Aldrin?

Elisabeth: Wow. That’s a real hero.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Yeah. Yeah. He is great in all three toy story movies. May I make a suggestion quickly?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Sure Brian.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: May I humbly nominate the great president Ronald Regan for speaker of the house? I met Mr. Regan recently in Orlando, Florida at his home in the magnificent hall of presidence, and even though he had many visitors, he took the time to talk to me, Brian Kilmeade.

[Cut to Elisabeth and Brian]

Elisabeth: Brian. Brian!

Brian: Just crazy.

Elisabeth: I think you are in Disney World.

Brian: Whoo! Good think you warned me. That place is full of pirates.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Um, well, one person who has thrown his name out there for speaker is the congressman from Utah, Mr. Jason Chaffetz. He’s a little young but he feels he’s ready. [Cut to Jason Chaffetz in his office] And Mr. Chaffetz joins us now. Hello there.

Jason Chaffetz: Hey, Steve. Great to be on TV.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Jason Chaffetz]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha. Now, Mr. Chaffetz, you’re a rising star after your bold showing at the planned parenthood hearings.

Jason Chaffetz: Oh, thanks. You see those? I talked more than anybody.

[Elisabeth appears at the place of Steve]

Elisabeth: Yeah, you sure did. And did you know that as speaker, you’d be third in line for the presidency?

[Jason Chaffetz freezes]

Jason Chaffetz: For real?

Elisabeth: Yea, it’s true.

Jason Chaffetz: Wow, that’s amazing. But you know what? I’m ready, I’m able, I’m gonna win this thing.

Elisabeth: We’ve heard that Paul Ryan might run.

Jason Chaffetz: Oh. [thinks for a moment] Okay, I’m gonna lose this thing. That guy is a lot more qualified than me. He can bench like, 150. Sorry for wasting your time.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Hey, not a problem. Well, this stems from the republican effort to defund planned parenthood.

[Cut to all]

Elisabeth: Those videos are shocking. Did you know that they’re selling baby parts on snapchat.

Steve: It’s outrageous.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I saw the video and it is stomach turning. I mean, the way that rat dragged that baby down the stairs. Disgusting.

[Cut to all]

Steve: No, no, Brian. You’re talking about pizza rat again.

[Brian is laughing hard]

Brian: Well, I just love em’. I wish I had me some flour pizza.

Steve: We know, you say it all the time. Joining us now, is a woman who has been shame fully defunding planned parenthood. [Cut to Debbie Wasserman Schultz in her office] Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Hi, Steve, Elisabeth, Brian. It’s a pleasure to not be there in person.

[Cut to split screen of Elisabeth and Debbie Wasserman Schultz]

Elisabeth: Debbie, are you really defending an organization that sells babies the way that KFC sells chicken?

[Debbie Wasserman Schultz is yawning]

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Elisabeth, you know that’s not true. Let me ask you Elisabeth, do you want to get into a legal battle with a woman named Debbie Wasserman Schultz? My name sounds like a law firm.

Elisabeth: Okay, Debbie, there is no need to–

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: You really wanna take on planned parenthood, Elizabeth? I will put all three of your heads in mammogram machine and squish em’ like pancakes and serve them.

[Steve appears in place of Elisabeth]

Steve: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Debbie, you’re being hysterical.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: I will smack your upside the head with a transvaginal wand. Wasserman Schultz does not play around. Have you considered what might happen when you mess with millions of women? You know when a bachelorette party walks into a bar, it just blows the place up. It’s gonna be like that. But instead of a bar, it’s America. We’re organized, we’re pissed, and we’re all looking for a pap smear. Wasserman out!

[Cut to the Steve, Elisabeth and Brian. Brian is clapping.]

Brian: Yayyy! Yayyy!

Elisabeth: Brian, please!

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: I’m sorry. I always agree with whoever is the loudest.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Alright, you know what? Why don’t we take a break? But before we go, we’ve got a quick list of corrections from our first hour.

[music playing]

[Corrections appear on the screen like post credits.]

Corrections: iPads are not “just for women.”

Bernie Sanders is not the founder of KFC.

Tom Hanks did not play Martin Luther King in Selma.

There is no emoji for “illegal immigrant.”

Magic Johnson is not a warlock

Safeway is a supermarket chain, not the slang word for abstinence.

Sneezing is not an effective form of birth control.

“Pac Man Fever” did not kill 400,000 children in the 80s.

Jewish people do exist.

Billy Bush is not a presidential candidate.

“Kokomo” is a Beach Boys song; “Guantanamo” is a US detention came.

Twins are not the result of group sex.

The black Market is not where African-Americans buy their produce

Obama is not a former member of Jodeci

Charles Schultz didn’t die from a Peanuts allergy

People who are colorblind can see Tom Green

John Stamos isn’t the Greek God of Yogurt

Ronald Reagan’s heart is not at the bottom of a volcano

On Fridays during Lent, Catholics can still listen to Meatloaf

Donald Trump has no plans to deport Speedy Gonzalez

SeaWorld is not a Kevin Costner movie.

Muslims are allowed to be girls.

King Cobras are not elected.

Mass shootings are not necessarily only on Massachusetts.

The water on Mars isn’t bottled.

An IUD does not explode inside of a woman.

Obama’s oldest daughter is named Malia, not Syria

Bernie Sanders not related to Santa Claus

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: We’ll see you after this quick break. And…

[Elisabeth and Steve come in]

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Air Plane Performance

Becca… Amy Schumer

Carla… Venessa Bayer

Mark… Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of DELTA airlines flying]

Becca: Okay folks. [Cut to inside the plane.] We’ve reached our cruising altitude but when seated, we ask that you keep your seat belt fastened. In a moment, we’ll begin our complimentary beverage and snacks service.

Carla: Our recent survey in Delta magazine placed Delta as the third most fun airline and that is something to sing about.

Becca: Hit the jam, DJ.

[music playing]

Carla: [singing] Tell em’ what they want, what they really, really want

Becca: I’ll tell what they want, what they really, really want

Carla: They wanna, they wanna, they wanna, they wanna

Becca: What they really, really, really want is to have a nice flight.

Carla: If you’re feeling hungry, we’ve got great snacks

Becca: If you wanna buy a headset, we’ll be coming right back
So tell em’ what they want, what they really, really want

Carla: I’ll tell what they want, what they really, really want

[As Carla dances while singing, she mistakenly opens the airplane door and gets sucked out.]

[Everybody in the plane are screaming.]

[Mark comes in, screams and goes back.]

[Carla is still hanging by the airplane door]

[Becca pulls Carla in and closes the door]

[Carla is horrified]

Becca: Are you okay? Oh, my god!

Carla: I swallowed so much air.

Becca: Oh, my god. Sit down. Oh, my god.

Carla: I’m fine. I’m fine.

Becca: Carla, you were just outside the plane. What do you need?

Carla: All I need is to finish the announcement song that we worked so hard on in my garage. Folks, as you can see I am fine. So, on with the jam.

[music playing]

So, here’s the story from us to you
to have a great flight, you gotta know your flight crew
you got Becca up front, she’s the best
Mark in the back, [yelling] I was outside the plane.

[Becca takes the microphone from Carla]

Becca: Turn the music off, Mark. Mark!

[music stops]

Carla: I was out there and then I was in the sky. And then I saw myself as a little girl.

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Carla, Carla, are you okay?

Carla: Get away, Mark!

Becca: You did nothing, useless Mark.

Carla: Mark!

Becca: Mark!

Carla: Mark!

[Becca picks up the mic]

Becca: Ladies and gentlemen, Mark did nothing. And also, please do not be afraid of using the forward restroom because of the door. It is secure now. It is locked. [Becca walks to the door] As you can see, you can knock on it. You can lean on it like, “Hello fella, how you’re doing?”

[When Becca leans on the door, it opens and Becca falls off this time.]

Carla: Oh, my god!

[Carla runs to get Becca. Becca is hanging on the door.]

[Mark just comes in, screams and goes back.]

[Carla pushes Becca away on her head and closes the door.]

[Carla picks up the mic]

Carla: Um, I couldn’t pull her, okay? The passengers have to come first. So, you all saw there was nothing I could do.

[Cut to Kenan sitting in the plane. Becca is looking through the window by Kenan’s side.]

Kenan: Ma’am, that woman is right there holding on real hard.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Go to the door. Go to the door. Okay folks, everything’s going to be fine. And because it is inconvenience, you can all watch San Andres for free. So, anyway, you guys pretty pumped to go Milwaukee?

[Cut to Becca looking through the door window]

Okay, okay. Here we go. Hold on one sec.

[Carla walks to the door and opens it and pulls Becca in]

[Becca is making noise]

Becca: Carla! Oh, my god, was I out there for a full year?

Carla: I closed the door on you.

Becca: I know. Shut up, Carla. We’ll deal with it later.

Carla: I left you out there.

Becca:

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Ladies, ladies, both of you sit down. Please, please. I’ve got this. Please, both of you.

[Becca and Carla sit down]

Just rest.

[Mark grabs the mic]

Folks, I am so sorry about all of this. What do you say we get this flight back on track? Huh? And speaking of track, hit it.

[music playing]

[singing] I’m giving you everything

[Cut to Becca, Carla and Kenan sitting together. They are loving Mark’s performance.]

all the drinks you need

[The End]

Abraham Lincoln Reenactment

Kenan Thompson

Amy Schumer

Taran Killam

Jerry … Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Ford’s Theatre]

Kenan: Alright, we’ll bringing first two in a moment.

[Cut to inside the theatre. Kenan is speaking to Amy and Taran. Jerry is standing behind them.]

Thanks for filling in the day. Our regular Mary Todd is sick.

Amy: It’s exciting.

Taran: You’re gonna be fantastic. It’s a pretty simple reenactment. Just you and I pretend to watch the play, I say few lines, then Jerry comes, John Wilkes Booth, shoots me, you cry, we bow, that’s it. Alright, any questions?

Amy: Looking forward to hit the boards with you, man.

Taran: You’re gonna be great. Okay. Oh! Here comes the first tour.

[Jerry walks out the door.]

Amy: Okay.

[The audience walk in from the other door]

Kenan: Alright ladies and gentlemen. This is the very same box in which Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln sat on that faithful night of April 14th, 1865. Let’s now be transported. Back into time.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: Mary, I’m glad you convinced me to come to the theater tonight. We’ve won the war and I can finally enjoy a night out with my wife.

Amy: Yeah, I don’t know about that Ab. I got a bad feeling about this.

Taran: Ah! Well, let’s just enjoy the play.

Amy: No, you know me Ab, gotta trust my gut. something about this place gives me the creeps.

[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]

Jerry: I’m sick of this.

Taran: [scared] Ah!

Amy: I knew it!

[Amy punches Jerry on his face]

Jerry: Ou!

Amy: I don’t think so boo!

Jerry: What the hell?

Amy: You see that everybody. This guy is trying to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and have sex with me.

Jerry: No. No I did not.

Amy: And that’s how it happened, folks.

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously]

Alright, have a great rest of the day in DC. [Cut to everybody] America’s only capital.

[Kenan opens the door and the audience walk out.]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Oh, that was fun. You weren’t half bad yourself.

[Amy pinches Taran]

Taran: Ah! What were you doing?

Amy: Um, spicing it up a little bit. Something I learned on the BK set.

Taran: The BK set?

Amy: Oh, they didn’t tell you? That’s weird. Yeah, I’m fresh out filming the Burger King commercial for those like, black burgers that are making everybody crap green. I had a ton of ad libs.

Taran: Okay, well just don’t do any of that for the next tour.

Amy: Ya, ya, Lincoln.

[Kenan walks in with another group of audience]

Kenan: Alright, ladies and gentlemen. Let us now be transported back into time.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: Mary, for the first time in a long time, I feel it peace.

Amy: I wouldn’t get too comfortable there. Just saw John Wilkes Booth and he looked a little off.

Taran: Well, I’m sure it’s fine.

Amy: Well, tell that to my gut Lincoln.

[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]

Jerry: I’m sick of this.

Amy: I knew it. Duck Lincoln.

[Amy punches Taran on his face again]

Ha-ha. Missed him, pecker head! You may be a great actor but you’re never gonna blow my husband’s brain out just to get in my pants.

[looks at the audience]

What do we say folks? [clapping] Huh?

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously]

[Cut to Amy, Taran and Jerry]

Alright. Y’all have a great day in DC. Now, get out of here and never come back. Ha-ha-ha.

[The audiences leave]

I never said this, but you suck at ad libs.

Jerry: We’re not supposed to ad lib.

Amy: Alright, well when I was on the BK set, all I was supposed to do was bite into a hamburger and go, “Umm.” But instead, I look straight into the camera and I said, “That’s a great black Halloween burger.” And I pretended I was choking to death. Everybody flipped out.

Taran: Here comes the next tour. Just please, be quiet.

Amy: Your wish is my command.

Taran: Shut up!

[Kenan comes in with another group of audiences]

Kenan: Let us now be transported to the past.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: I’m so glad to enjoy a night at the theatre.

Amy: [standing and yelling] Booth! Show your face! I know you’re out there. You hate my husband just coz he loves blacks.

[Cut to the audiences. They are all African-American people.]

Kenan: I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Amy: Booth wants nothing more than to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and plow me, the most beautiful woman in the land. But I only plow one man and that’s Abraham Lincoln.

[Jerry walks in hopelessly]

There’s that horny little piece of crap now!

Jerry: Come on!

Amy: Let’s show him he can’t plow me. Right folks?

[Amy punches Jerry on his face again]

Jerry: Ah!

[Amy pulls off the fake mustache off of Jerry’s face]

Amy: Look at that. Just as I suspected. John Wilkes Booth, the very same son of a bitch who tried to blast my husband and plow me.

[Amy takes a cigarette out of her bra and starts pretending like she’s smoking]

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking furiously]

Just another night in DC, folks.

Kenan: Hey, you can’t smoke in here.

[Cut to Amy]

Amy: I’m not. I’m acting.

[The End]

Settl

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Byer

Henry… Taran Killam

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kate walking down the stairs]

Kate: I think I’m a pretty good catch. So, why can’t I meet the right guy? I’ve tried all the online dating apps like Tinder, Okay Cupid and Match.com but I wanna get married now. That’s why I joined the new online dating app, Settl.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: There’s nothing wrong with the men on Settl. They’re just normal guys with characteristic I am now willing to overlook.

[Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Kate sitting on sofa drinking wine.]

Venessa: I already bought my wedding dress. So, I just needed a groom. I joined Settl and went on tons of okay dates. That’s how I met my Henry. [Henry walks in] He may drive a smart car but he’s a manager at Cutco and even has a 401K. We’re getting married in April which is before my sister.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Settl isn’t misleading like those other dating apps. It’s honest. For example, men are only allowed to upload their passport photos or ones they’ve been pretending to hold the leaning tower of Pisa. That way, we can’t focus on their looks.

[Kyle walks in]

Hi.

Kyle: Sorry, I’m late. I don’t have a car.

Leslie: Whatever.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: And, they guarantee the date because Settl won’t allow us to swipe left.

[Cut to Venessa and Henry]

Venessa: Because remember, it’s not giving up, it’s settling up.

[Henry and Venessa kiss awkwardly]

Female voice: Settl, tick tock.

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle]

Leslie: Would you like to have another glass of wine?

Kyle: Oh no, thank you. I’m usually in bed by now.

[The End]

Nespresso

Danny DaVito… Bobby Moynihan

George Clooney…Taran Killam

[Starts with a message video]

Written: George Clooney & Danny DaVito for NESPRESSO.

[Cut to film studio. People are in line for coffee.]

Danny DaVito: What’s that?

George Clooney: Nespresso.

Danny DaVito: Is that coffee?

George Clooney: Yeah.

[George Clooney walks away]

[Cut to George Clooney with his colleagues having his Nespresso. Danny DaVito walks in.]

Danny DaVito: I want in.

George Clooney: You ready?

Danny DaVito: For what? I just want a cup of coffee.

George Clooney: So it begins.

[Cut to a tailor shop. Danny DaVito is getting his measurements while George Clooney is sitting and having coffee.]

Danny DaVito: Hey, can I ask you something? What’s happening right now? Where are we? Why am I getting fitted for a suit.

George Clooney: Patience.

Danny DaVito: I just don’t get the logic. How does this help me get coffee?

[George Clooney raises his glass]

That’s not an answer.

[Cut to Danny DaVito and George Clooney in bar. George Clooney is smelling the scent of his wine.]

Is this a prank or something?

[George Clooney makes a face]

Just shut up.

[Cut to Danny DaVito and George Clooney having sushi]

What? Now we’re eating sushi? It’s like, the one thing that doesn’t go with coffee. We just went to an Italian restaurant. I’ve had like, three meals today. I’m so confused.

[Cut to Danny DaVito and George Clooney looking at an art at art gallery]

And how do we know each other? We in Batman together? No, right?

[George Clooney shakes his head no.]

Man was Keaton. Then, why me and you? I just–

[George Clooney just gestures showing his two index fingers]

[Danny DaVito mocking George Clooney] Dang! What is that? Say something.

[Cut to Danny DaVito suited in a tailor shop talking on the phone]

Honey, I think there’s something with Clooney. We’ve been driving around aimlessly for hours. He’s barely speaking to me. And he won’t let me have any coffee.

George Clooney: You’re ready.

Danny DaVito: Okay, whatever you say, judge.

[drums rolling]

[Cut to Danny DaVito and George Clooney walking on the street near studio. They’re both wearing suits.]

[Cut to Danny DaVito getting his cup of coffee]

Finally!

[A woman comes in wearing a beaver outfit. She opens the helmet and she’s an attractive woman.]

Kate: Is that coffee?

[Cut to Danny DaVito looking at the camera]

Danny DaVito: It’s Nespresso.

[music playing and Danny DaVito takes a sip]

[Danny DaVito spits out the coffee]

It’s not bad.

Male voice: Nespresso. Whaaaat?