Category: 2018

Prison Job

Phillip… Chris Redd

Norman… Donald Glover

Allen… Kenan Thompson

Prison guard… Alex Moffat

Spider… Beck Benett

[Starts with guys talking to each other.]

Phillip: Yo, I’m telling y’all, man. I gotta get out of this prison, dog.

Norman: Man, I’m never coming back here.They got us working thirty cents an hour.

Allen: It’s like modern day slavery. I feel like these walls are changing me.

Phillip: I know what you mean, man. Like, last week this new MA came up, asked me what size my sneakers was. I said, “Yo size, bitch!”

Norman: Damn! So then what happened?

Phillip: Then he tried to grab me by my collar, right? That’s when I– [phone ringing] Hold on a second. [speaking very politely on the phone] Um, good morning. Customer service. My name is Phillip. Oh, how can I assist you today? Uh, alright ma’am. Please stay online while I direct you to the manager. Alright. Thank you. [Phillip presses the extension number and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly again.] Then I grabbed the razor that I was hiding in my butt cheeks and cut his ear off, fam.

Allen: I know exactly who you talking about, man. He tried the same thing with my boy Freddie. You know Freddie, right?

Norman: Freddie that made cognac in the toilet?

Allen: No, not that Freddie. [phone ringing] Hold on. [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. This is Allen speaking. How can I assist you this afternoon? Well, yes. That particular necklace is real turquoise in a 14 carat gold plated trim. Oh, you have a lovely day too. Alright. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] No. Freddie that stabbed the guard in the neck with a spoon.

Norman: Oh, yeah. I know Freddie. Um-hmm. He trie to jump me in a bathroom. There was like, five of em’. But you know me, I’m crazy. So, I pulled down my pants and then– [phone ringing] Hond on. [speaking very politely on the phone] It’s a gorgeous Wednesday morning. This is Norman. How can I be at your service today? Well, yes, ma’am. And might I say, that is a lovely choice. I personally have that in my very same unit in my kitchen. Okay. Okay, now. I’m gonna put you through. Alright, bye. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] I crapped in my hands and then I threatened to touch them with it.

Phillip: Yo, we been there. Err’body been there. Y’all heard about Rico though?

Norman: Who Rico? The cop killer?

Phillip: Nah, nah, nah. Not that Rico, man.

Allen: Rico the drug lord?

Phillip: Nah, man! Rico! The guy that makes all the silly puns.

Norman: Oh! You mean fun Rico.

Phillip: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fun Rico.

Norman: Oh, he’s the best. I just love his silly puns.

Allen: Yeah. He’s the only thing that keeps me going. But what about him?

Phillip: He hung himself.

Norman: Oh, my god.

Allen: No.

Phillip: He was hanging there.

[phone ringing]

Norman: [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. Well, thank you very much for the positive feedback, ma’am. I do remind you that there is a short five minute survey– [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] She hung up on me.

Allen: Argh! I hate when they do that.

Norman: How hard is it to take a five minute survey?

Phillip: I know. It’s like, one more good review and I make parole, lady.

[phone ringing]

Allen: Ma’am, are you still waiting on hold? I am so sorry for the inconvenience. Please be patient with us. God bless you too. [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] Argh! I hate when customers have to hold. Makes me wanna kill again.

Phillip and Norman: I feel you. Me too.

[A prison guard walks in with a guy, Spider, on straitjacket]

Prison guard: Enough chitchat in here fellas!

Spider: [making crazy face] Why don’t you loosen these straps for me just a little, will ya?

Prison guard: Yeah, right. So you can eat me like you did your last cell mate? You sick bastard!

Norman: Yo, this lady on line four wants to speak to a manager.

Prison guard: Alright. I got this.

[Prison guard puts the headphones with mic on Spider]

Spider: [speaking very politely on the phone] Hello, this is Spider, the manager speaking. Oh, well, I am so sorry to hear that you did not enjoy those Omaha steaks. They’re all I ever eat. A lot of em’. Now, if I can just get some personal information, what are you fears?

[The End]

Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Harold Bornstein… Martin Short

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Host… Heidi Gardner

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johansson

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

Stormy Daniels

[Starts with a video message “The following is based on real events.”]

[Cut to Michael Cohen walking around a telephone booth. He is wearing a suit. He picks up the phone and dials the number. The phone is connecting.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [answering the phone] Hello, it’s Donald Trump. Who this?

Michael Cohen: It’s Michael Cohen. God, I miss you so much.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey. What’s up, amigo? How you holding up in prison?

Michael Cohen: I’m not in prison.

Donald Trump: Oh, well. Give it a couple of weeks.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, we’re in big trouble. I think they know about our allusion-K and obstruction of justice, J.

Donald Trump: Sorry. I don’t speak Spanish.Wait, are you on a secure line?

Michael Cohen: Absolutely. I dialed *Mike PenceMelania Trump before the numbers. So, it’s completely untraceable.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.]

[Cut back to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Listen, Trump. I don’t know what to do. You keep changing your story on Stormy Daniels payment.

Donald Trump: Look. Let’s get Rudy Giuliani on the phone. He’ll fix this. He’s got the sharpest legal mind since my cousin Vinny.

Michael Cohen: Um, okay. But, just to be safe let me call you back with one of my burner phones.

Donald Trump: Wait, you kept the burner phones? That’s not good.

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone, and dials the number on his burner phone.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein.]

Harold Bornstein: [Harold Bornstein answering the phone] Yes, hello. This is Dr. Harold Bornstein. Would you like to know any of my patient’s medical history?

Michael Cohen: Dammit! I tried to dial Trump Donald but I dialed Trump doctor.

Harold Bornstein: Is this you, Michael Cohen? Michael, I’m glad you called. Someone broke into my office and stole my file. I guess you could say I was [yelling] raped!

Michael Cohen: I don’t think you could say that.

Harold Bornstein: Well, I already did. [yelling] Raped!

Michael Cohen: Alright. Can we talk about this later?

Harold Bornstein: No. I’m busy later. [giggling] No, I’m kidding. I have zero commitment personally and professionally. But if you ever want to do drugs, I can get you all the drugs.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.]

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein]

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll call you back, Harold. Goodbye.

Harold Bornstein: Okay. I’ll just be sitting here in my office where I live. [yelling] Bye!

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone and dials another number.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: [answering the phone] Hello.

Michael Cohen: Rudy? Is that you?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. That’s right. It’s me, Rudy. Rudy Giuliani. Trump’s lawyer and his worst nightmare.

Michael Cohen: Rudy, can we speak freely? Are you alone?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani in the set of an interview at FOX News. The host is sitting right next to him.]

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Yeah. I’m pretty much alone. [to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] This is a commercial break, right toots?

Host: No.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Yeah, we’re, good to talk. Good to talk.

Michael Cohen: Alright. Let in loop in Mr. Trump. [Rudy Giuliani presses buttons] Alright, is everyone on?

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Yes.

Rudy Giuliani: Yes.

[The FBI Agents are nodding their heads yes.]

Michael Cohen: Guys, can we please just decide on one lie and stick to it? Coz our stories are all over the place.

Donald Trump: Guys, hold that thought. I’m getting a call from work. [Donald Trump presses a button.]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Mr. President, I have lost all credibility. Did you lie to me about the Stormy Daniels affair?

Donald Trump: Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good. Just as long as we’re on the same page. I’m good to go. See you on Monday.

[Donald Trump presses a button.]

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Okay, I’m back.

Rudy Giuliani: Guys, guys, can we hurry this up? I’m supposed to do 25 more talk show appearances today and I’m trying to make it like an advert calendar where I reveal one new crime in each show.

[phone ringing]

Michael Cohen: Oh, I’m getting another call. Hang on.

[Michael Cohen answers the phone]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Hello, Michael. It’s Melania.

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey, Melania. I was just talking to Donald about–

Melania Trump: Yeah, yeah. Listen, I have completely hypothetical question for a friend of mine, okay? If your husband is accused of crime, would she have to testify against him?

Michael Cohen: No.

Melania Trump: But could she? If she wants to?

Michael Cohen: I guess she could.

Melania Trump: Oh, my friend will be so happy. Thank you Michael.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone. He is looking at all the phones and is confused.]

Michael Cohen: Wait, which phone was Mr. Trump on? [looks at one phone and speaks on it] Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Omarosa Manigault]

Omarosa Manigault: Yeah. This is Omarosa an I’m still pissed off.

Michael Cohen: No!

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Hi there, stranger. What’s your name?

Michael Cohen: Mike Pence?

Mike Pence: Who is this? I was told this was a party line with no questions asked?

Michael Cohen: Ah! I gotta call you back.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are standing together. Ivanka is on the phone.]

Ivanka Trump: Yes, this is Ivanka and Jared. [cheers and applause]

Jared Kushner: [squeaky voice] Hi, hi. Hello.

Ivanka Trump: Michael, did we hear Giuliani called Jared disposable on national television? Coz, Jared is furious.

Jared Kushner: [yelling] Yeah, man! Like, what the hell? I’m so mad right now. You didn’t even want to see me. I mean, I could cut a bitch! Don’t ever try to cover me. [making noise]

Michael Cohen: Listen. Ivanka, you know your dad would do anything to protect you. But if he needs to, he’d throw Jared under the bus in a heartbeat.

Jared Kushner: What did he say?

Ivanka Trump: He said you’re fine.

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll talk to you later.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Mr. Trump?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Where the hell were you Michael? I don’t have time to wait on hold. I was supposed to be meeting with my new chief strategist, Kanye West.

Michael Cohen: What do you want me to do?

Donald Trump: Call up Stormy Daniels and fix this once and for all. Maybe keep me on the phone too. I’ll just be quiet and listen.

[Michael Cohen presses buttons]

[Cut to Stormy Daniels answering the phone]

Stormy Daniels: Hello.

[Cut to split screen with Stormy Daniels, Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: Stormy, this is Michael Cohen. Are you alone?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Donald Trump: And what are you wearing?

Stormy Daniels: Excuse me?

[Michael Cohen is pissed off that Donald Trump spoke]

Donald Trump: Okay, Michael. I can take it from here.

Michael Cohen: Okay. But as your attorney, I highly advice against you–

[Donald Trump cuts Michael Cohen from the line]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels.]

Donald Trump: So, wad up, girl?

Stormy Daniels: Hello, Donald.

Donald Trump: Come on, Stormy. Stop making such a big deal about this. Everyone knows it’s just an act.

Stormy Daniels: I work in adult films. We’re really not known for our acting.

Donald Trump: Just tell me what do you need for this to all go away?

Stormy Daniels: A resignation.

Donald Trump: Yeah, right. Being president is like doing porn. Once you do it, it’s hard to do anything else. Besides, my poll numbers are finally up. And speaking of polls being up–

Stormy Daniels: Donald?

Donald Trump: Oh, come on. We’ll always have shark week. I solved North and South Korea. But can I solve us?

Stormy Daniels: Sorry, Donald. It’s too late for that. I know you don’t believe in climate change but a storm’s coming, baby.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’ve never been so scared and so horny at the same time.

Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Lando’s Summit

Lubestein… Mikey Day

Lando Calrissian… Donald Glover

Sal Guerero… Kenan Thompson

Key Beeba… Leslie Jones

Emchigo… Chris Redd

[Starts with a message video. Message reads: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…]

[Cut to Lubestein speaking at the stage podium]

Lubestein: Sorry to interrupt your mingling. I am Lubestein, Hospitality Director here at the Naboo Beachfront Hotel. We are thrilled to host your event and it’s fun activities all week long as you enjoy our beautiful view. Now, please welcome the chairman of this event, Mr. Lando Calrissian.

[Lando Calrissian walks in and Lubestein leaves the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Lando Calrissian: Yes, yes. I like that guy. Classy guy right there. My, my. We weren’t kidding. This hotel does have a gorgeous view. I love alien girls coz it’s always a surprise when their clothes come off. So, it’s like, “Oh, that’s your that? We’ll figure it out.” Welcome, my brothers and sisters to the first ever galactic summit for all black humans. This started with one question. “Where the hell are all the black people in space?” For a while, I thought it was me, the only one but now I see before me all the black humans in the galaxy.

[Cut to the audience. There are three black people in the empty hall clapping for him]

[Cut to Lando Calrissian.]

I’ll say it. Turnout was a little low. We were expecting a thousand guests. I held out hope that there was a black human planet somewhere but I guess it’s just us. Lots of lizard men wearing vests, just four black people though. Okay, let’s kick things off with a welcoming remarks from my man, Mr. Sal Guerero.

[Sal Guerero walks in]

Sal Guerero: Thank you, everyone. As I look upon the hundreds of faces like my own– Sorry, I wrote this like, a week ago. I am filled with hope. Our voice was once a whisper. Now, it is a roar. Let me hear your roar. Roar!

[Cut to the audience. There are two black people in the empty hall clapping for him]

Audience: Roar.

[Cut to Sal Guerero]

Sal Guerero: I would now like to read a list of all the black humans who lived before us to honor their memory. Mace Windu. Thank you.

[Sal Guerero walks out]

Lando Calrissian: Up next, the lovely Key Beeba. Talk about all the activities we have going on this week.

[Key Beeba walks in. Lando Calrissian takes holds and kisses her hand.]

Key Beeba: [staring at Lando Calrissian] I don’t know you like that. That ain’t coo.

[Lando Calrissian just walks backwards.]

The following activities have been canceled due to low attendants. Everything except meals.

[Cut to Sal Guerero]

Sal Guerero: Does that include the thousand man march?

[Cut to Key Beeba looking at Sal Guerero fiercely.]

Key Beeba: What do you think, dude? Also, the location of the group picture has been changed from the outdoor coliseum to anywhere we want. That’s it.

[Key Beeba walks out]

Lando Calrissian: Alright. Emchigo, you wanna say anything up here?

[Cut to Emchigo]

Emchigo: Nah, I’m good.

[Cut to Lubestein walking in the stage]

Lubestein: Alright. Our seafood buffet is officially open. Grab a plate and help yourself. While you eat, please enjoy music from a blue monster and Mr. Lando Calrissian.

[There’s a creature that has big ears and long nose trunk like an elephant. He is playing the musical instrument.]

Lando Calrissian: You know, before I made a living playing cards an doing other stuffs that’s not really explained. I wanted to be a singer. There’s a little song I wrote about space and it’s called making love in space. Two, three, four.

[singing] Making love in space
yeah, making love in space
you need a man though, girl
come see Lando

Girl, making love in space
I love my….

Friendos (featuring A$AP Rocky)

Donald Glover

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Angela… Cecily Strong

[Music video starts with clips of rappers flexing their money, cars and lifestyle.]

Donald Glover: Friendo!
Yeah, you already know
Kenan: Skrt skrt!

Donald Glover: Ayy, lambo
Out the bando

Kenan: Ayy, ayy, ayy ayy!

Donald Glover: [rapping] Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up (yeah) [Kenan doing all the backup voices]
We in the club and we turn it up (turn up)
Pinky worth Chris Redd50 thou’ (wow)
Double that up in my mouth (teeth)

Chris Redd: Shorty she bad, like all my swag
Boy, she got all of that ass (booty)
Getting that cash, haters be mad
Friendos, we stay with that bag (cookie)

Donald Glover: Woke up in the morning with some bitches and I’m smiling

Chris Redd: But we gotta put in work if we wanna stay shining

Donald Glover and Chris Redd: We go to therapy (therapy), therapy (therapy)
We spent a milli on therapy (woo)
Angela (Angela), Angela (Angela)
Twice a week we go to Angela (ayy)

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: Go on

Chris Redd: Ahem, it’s just like every time I bring up emotional conflict, he always want to—

Angela: You know what, let’s use “I feel” statements.

Chris Redd: Oh, my bad. I feel like every time I bring up emotional conflict, he want to talk about the Lambo.

Kenan Thompson: [giving back up voice] Lambo!

Donald Glover: But it got the suicide doors though.

Chris Redd: Enough with the Lambo man!

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Chris Redd: Just talk to me dawg.

Kenan Thompson: Ayy!

[Cut to music video]

Chris Redd: She wanna hear ’bout our Mommas (Momma)
All of our fears and our traumas (bad)

Donald Glover: Homies be asking me stuff (what?)
I don’t be opening up (I’m fine)

Chris Redd: Sometimes I cry, I don’t know why
I just be wanting to fight (aggression)

Donald Glover: Lambo on dub, doors going up, you know I don’t give a fu-

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: See, you’re deflecting. Do you see that? I think you do care

Donald Glover: Naw

Chris Redd: Dawg, whose idea was it to buy the Lambo in the first place?

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Donald Glover: Mine!Chris Redd: No! No, I showed you Chris Redd months ago on

Instagram. I said “I want the ice cream-colored Lambo, with the suicide doors.” Guess who pulled up to the strip club, very next week, looking like a dessert on a wheels?

Kenan Thompson: Pull up

Angela: Sounds like that ice cream Lambo was important to you.

Chris Redd: Mmhmm…

Angela: And when he bought it first, you felt…?

Chris Redd: Invisible.

Kenan Thompson: Visible!

Angela: You needed him to hear you, but instead of being present, he was gone.

Kenan Thompson: Skrt skrt!

Donald Glover: Look, I see that I hurt you. I’m sorry dawg. I think I was acting out ’cause I just missed our friendship. You know, before the money, before the Lambo.

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Chris Redd: Ayy man, I miss that too, you know what I mean? Like, you think we can work on that?

Donald Glover: We sure can.

Angela: Wow, you see what that was?

Kenan Thompson: Ayy.

Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson: Ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy!

[Cut to music video]

All: Breakthrough (breakthrough), breakthrough (breakthrough)

Donald Glover: Stunt on these hoes with my breakthrough (stunt on ’em)

Chris Redd: We got some issues, hand me some tissues–

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: We haven’t heard much from you today

Kenan Thompson: Huh?

Angela: You haven’t spoken up at all.

Kenan Thompson: Y-yeah I have, I-I’ve been repeating—

Angela: Repeating what these two say, I know, but what do you think?

Kenan Thompson: I-I don’t know, nobody care what I think, I just do the ad-libs.

Chris Redd: Ayy, that’s not true man, c’mon now.

Angela: Let’s, let’s let him speak.

Chris Redd: First of all, don’t interrupt me bitch, I’m talking to my brother.

Angela: Yeah, but instead of talking, bitch, how ’bout you listen?

Chris Redd: Oh damn.

Kenan Thompson: I guess I just assume that you guys, like, pity me? Like y’all really don’t want me around?

Donald Glover: No, man! You funny!

Chris Redd: Yeah.

Donald Glover: Yeah.

Kenan Thompson: Really?

Chris Redd: Yeah man!

Kenan Thompson: Thank you, ’cause you know I actually be thinking about my jokes and stuff.

Donald Glover: Man, don’t start crying man. You start crying and I’ma start crying.

Kenan Thompson: Why don’t y’all let it out, you know what I’m saying? Woo.

All: Woo, woo, woo, woo!

[Cut to music video]

All: Group hug (group hug), group hug (group hug)
Me and my homies a group hug (growth)
In therapy (therapy), therapy (therapy)
We make it rain on our therapist

Chris Redd: Damn, Angela sexy!

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: Well, that’s all the time we have.

Donald Glover: Alright, well.

Kenan Thompson: Cool, okay man.

Chris Redd: I guess we just gon’ leave then. Thank you Angela.

Donald Glover: Alright, cool.

Kenan Thompson: Alright, bye.

Chris Redd: Ayy.

[Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson walk out of Dr. Angela’s office. A$AP Rocky is sitting in waiting lounge]

Donald Glover: Ayy, what’s up A$AP?

A$AP Rocky: Friendos! Yo, what’s happening bro? Yo, I peeped the ice cream Lambo parked out front. It’s hot!

Donald Glover: Thanks, that was his idea. [pointing at Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: Damn…

Donald Glover Monologue

Donald Glover

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Donald Glover.

[Donald Glover walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Glover: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys, so much. Thank you. I’m really excited to be hosting Saturday Night Live. And the answer to the question everyone’s asking is, “Yes, I am Dani Glover’s father.” I used to live in New York and it’s so great to be back here. Specially now that I’m rich. You know, seriously. I recommend it. I was poor here and it’s way better when you’re rich. But it’s truly is an honor to be hosting SNL, and you know, instead of just auditioning for it which I did twice. That’s not a joke. I just still pissed. But it all kind of worked out for me. I was on a show called “Community.” [cheers and applause] And I play Lando Calrissian in the new Star Wars movie solo. [cheers and applause] And if you’re black, I met Atlanta and Redbone. [cheers and applause] Lot of black people in here.

I’m an actor, a writer and a singer. Some people have described me as a triple threat. But I kind of like to call myself just a threat. Not to bring up my audition because I’m not hung up on it. I still don’t know why I didn’t get the job. I’m good at lot of things like, music. Can I get a 180 tempo, something jazzy in the key of D? Hit it.

[The band playing music]

There we go. That feels good. Let’s take a walk, shall we?

[Donald Glover walks out of the stage.]

[singing] I really can do anything

[walks to Kyle Mooney] Hey, what’s going on, Kyle?

Kyle: Hey, Donald. Not much.

Donald Glover: Ah! Hey, let me ask you a question. What did you do for you audition?

Kyle: Bunch of characters. [showing the skateboard] Then I did this skateboarding a bit.

Donald Glover: Oh, you skateboard?

Kyle: Yeah. Yeah.

Donald Glover: Can I have the skateboard? I can do that too. You know?

Kyle: No problem, yeah. Go for it.

Donald Glover: You mind if I do it?

Kyle: Please.

Donald Glover: Awesome.

[Donald Glover tries the skateboard. He falls down badly. He stands suddenly.]

That’s called an ollie.

Kyle: Oh, my god. Are you okay?

Donald Glover: Yeah. I’m great. I’ll see you later.

Kyle: Are you sure?

[Donald Glover just walks way]

Donald Glover: [singing] I really can do anything

[Donald Glover walks to Kenan Thompson. He is cooking something.]

Hey, Kenan. How are you?

Kenan: Hey. Good, man.

Donald Glover: So, what did you do for your audition?

Kenan: Do you have any idea how long ago that was? I have no idea.

Donald Glover: Are you doing your chef character? Can I? I can do that too.

[Donald Glover picks up a cup, takes whatever Kenan is cooking in it and drinks it.]

Kenan: No, no. I’m sorry. I was cleaning rags in there. You gonna get sick, man.

Donald Glover: Oh! Nah, dude. I’ve got an iron stomach. All I ate is hotdogs backstage. I can really do anything.

[Donald Glover walks away]

[singing] I really can do anything

[Donald Glover walks to a guy who is fixing things at the ceiling with a long stick]

Hey, that looks– you mind if I give it a little– I can do that. [Donald Glover takes the stick] [Donald Glover burps] Oh! Got a little tummy trouble. Let me try this a little bit. [Donald Glover tries to do what the guys was doing. All the lights turn off.] Oh! That fixed it.

[Donald Glover walks away to Cecily Strong and Beck Bennett]

Hey, Cecily, Beck. What did you guys do for your audition?

Beck: Oh, well, I’m very glad you asked.

Donald Glover: Oh, I do not want to know.

[Donald Glover walks away]

Cecily: Oh, he’s obsessed with his audition.

Beck: I know. He keeps showing us his audition tape and he won’t watch mine.

Cecily: Alright. He keeps bragging that he can play clarinet. What even is that?

Beck: Yeah. He thinks being here this week will help him get on SNL.

Cecily: He’s hosting SNL.

Beck: Oh, have I shown you my audition tape?

Cecily: Beck?

[Cut to Donald Glover back on the stage. He is carrying a clarinet.]

Donald Glover: Did I mention I can play clarinet?

[Donald Glover just screams into the clarinet. The clarinet is not playing at all.]

You know, it actually went better at my audition. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Childish Gambino is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Dirty Talk

Donald Clover

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a man and a woman getting into their bed.]

Man: Hey, baby. Looking good.

Woman: Thanks. Well, goodnight.

Man: Wait, wait, wait. Baby, it’s Saturday.

Woman: Oh, yeah. Sex night. I’m jazzed to do it. Let’s start.

[Woman leans towards Man]

Man: Wait, wait, wait. I was just thinking maybe we can mix it up a little tonight. You know, try a little dirty talk. Saying stuff that you shouldn’t say.

Woman: Alright.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Yeah. You’re like the little slut, huh?

Woman: Um, that’s so retarded.

[Man backs off]

Man: What? What? Don’t say the R word though, coz that’s like, really offensive, right?

Woman: Depends on how I use it, I guess.

Man: No, it’s kind of bad. Let’s just stay away from that. Maybe try like, being, you know, little mean to me. You know?

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Yeah, come on, girl. Hurt me.

Woman: Your dad’s dead.

[Man backs off]

Man: Baby? That wound’s still fresh. I’m like, really sad now.

Woman: Oh, man. I’m sorry. Are you sure you don’t want to do it the normal way? Lazy sideways?

Man: No. Look, I wanna try this. I think we could spice things up. It’d be good for us, you know? How about you just call me a little bitch or something.

Woman: Ooh, okay. I like that.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Oh, I want you.

Woman: Yeah, you do, you little bitch.

Man: Ooh, you’re so mean to me.

Woman: Coz you’re my little brother, bitch. Now, scram!

[Man backs off]

Man: What?

Woman: Stay out of my room, dork!

Man: No. Don’t. Baby, don’t be my sister. That turns me off.

Woman: But you were saying, “Oh, yeah.”

Man: Yeah, that was before I knew you had made us siblings. You know? So, no big twists. Maybe we just– I’ll take a lead. How about that? [Woman nods yes] Alright.

Woman: Yeah, right, dweeb! Mom and dad put me in charge.

Man: Baby, that scenario, we’re not doing it anymore. Okay? Here, I’ll talk dirty to you. Alright? Is that cool? [They try to do the dirty talk] Oh, you little freak!

Woman: [impersonating] Yes, I’m the Elephant Man.

[Man backs off]

Man: No. Not the Elephant Man, okay? That’s not sexy. That’s like, really sad. He had a sad life and the image in my head is the worst possible thing for sex. You know? Okay, but clearly you wanna role play. So, how about I’m a cop and you’re a criminal?

Woman: Oh, sounds naughty.

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Coz I killed my mom.

Man: No, no, no. You didn’t murder anyone.

Woman: Yeah, I did. She’s in the trunk.

Man: No, no, no. Different crime, okay? You’re not a murderer. You’re different criminal, baby. You’re like– [They try to do the dirty talk] Hand up, you’re under arrest.

Woman: [impersonating Bill Cosby] But the general pudding pop said–

[Man backs off]

Man: No! Don’t be Bill Cosby. Don’t ever be Bill Cosby in the bedroom. Don’t. You know what? Forget it. It’s fine. This isn’t gonna work. Let’s just watch TV.

Woman: Oh, so that’s it? Man, you’re such a bitch sometimes.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Yeah, I like that.

Woman: [impersonating Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.

Man: No, don’t be Fat Albert.

Courtroom

Plaintiff’s attorney… Cecily Strong

Mr. Miller… Mikey Day

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Defendant’s attorney … Donald Glover

[Starts with plaintiff’s attorney asking Mr. Miller questions in the court]

Plaintiff’s attorney: One final question, Mr. Miller and I know this has been a difficult experience to relive.

Mr. Miller: It has.

Plaintiff’s attorney: Do you feel that you are in any way at fault for your friends and family being eaten?

Mr. Miller: Of course, not. All I know is that I miss them.

Plaintiff’s attorney: Hmm. All he knows is that he misses them. No further questions.

Judge: Your witness?

Defendant’s attorney: Thank you, your honor. [Defendant’s attorney stands and walks to Mr. Miller] All he knows is that he misses them. And that might be true but that is not why we are here today. We re hereto determine whether my client, Jurassic Park, the beautiful island full of real life dinosaurs, is responsible for the death of Mr. Miller’s friends and family when all the dinosaurs got out. And I say no.

Mr. Miller: I say yes.

Defendant’s attorney: Your honor. Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: No, man. Definitely not.

Defendant’s attorney: So, Mr. Miller, Jurassic World shouldn’t have to pay you money even though you agreed to waive all rights to sue the park.

Mr. Miller: What? No. I did not agree to that.

Defendant’s attorney: Exhibit A. [Defendant’s attorney passes a paper full of blood to Mr. Miller] Mr. Miller, could you please read the indemnification on the back of your VIP all access raptor’s pass?

Mr. Miller: I can’t read it. It’s covered in my friend Scott’s blood.

Defendant’s attorney: Well, move your friend Scott’s blood around with your finger until you can read it. [Defendant’s attorney walks to a member jury who is black] I mean, can you really believe this, sister?

Jury member: Get out of my face.

Mr. Miller: Um, it says Jurassic World is not responsible for lost or damaged items.

Defendant’s attorney: Lost or damaged items, like your friends and family.

Mr. Miller: Well, I don’t consider my friends and family items.

Defendant’s attorney: But the law does.

Judge: Let the record show that he law does not.

Defendant’s attorney: Alright. Let me ask you this, Mr. Miller. Did you have a good time at Jurassic Park?

Mr. Miller: Um, no. It was the single worst experience of my life.

Defendant’s attorney: Ah! Please direct your attention to the monitor. This is an Instagram story posted by Mr. Miller on the date in question.

[Defendant’s attorney turns plays the video on the screen.]

[Cut to the video. Mr. Miller is with two of his friends and they have having a lot of fun.]

Alright, stop. Stop. Stop. [Defendant’s attorney pauses the video] Sure sounded like you were having fun to me. Good time, liar!

Plaintiff’s attorney: Okay, request permission to show the rest of the video?

Defendant’s attorney: Your honor. I do not see why that would be relevant in this case.

Judge: Permission granted.

[Defendant’s attorney plays the video. As soon as the video plays, Mr. Miller in the video starts screaming and the screen goes all bloody.]

Defendant’s attorney: Who even knows what is happening there? I mean, really?

Judge: That’s him and his friends getting eaten by the dinosaur. I mean, I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to weigh in but that’s what it is.

Mr. Miller: Specifically, a T-Rex grabbed my friend Rachel and swallowed her without biting like you would take a Tylenol.

Defendant’s attorney: Objection, your honor. The T-Rex is a good guy now. It is consistently saving the day. Sustained!

Judge: Counsellor, you can’t sustain your own objection. [to Mr. Miller] Continue, sir.

Mr. Miller: Yeah. After that, a flying dinosaur, the long nose landed on my brother and he ate my brother’s face. And then one of those big new genetically engineered ones that you guys made with like, the giant claws–

Defendant’s attorney: Yeah, the Psychosaurus, yes.

Mr. Miller: Yeah. That guy came in and he ate the dinosaur that ate my brother.

Defendant’s attorney: Hmm. “He” ate my brother. “That guy” came in. And yet, Mr. Miller, may I remind you and the court that all dinosaurs at Jurassic park are female. Your honor, the witness had lied under oath. I declare a mistrial because Mr. Miller’s credibility is extinct. Ha-ha! [Defendant’s attorney pours himself a glass of water and drinks it.] This court is adjourned.

Judge: Well, the court is not adjourned because this was not a mistrial. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you will now begin the liberations to reach a verdict.

Jury member: We have reached a verdict already. We all just kind of looked at each other and nodded. We find the defendant Jurassic World Theme Park guilty of charges. They got to learn. The dinosaurs always get out.

Judge: Ha-ha. That they do. That they do.

Defendant’s attorney: I see. Well, I guess that’s lunch then.

[Defendant’s attorney pulls out a huge egg]

Plaintiff’s attorney: Is that a dinosaur egg?

Defendant’s attorney: Well, yes. You think this is okay to eat?

Barbie Instagram

Diedra… Cecily Strong

Bernard… Kenan Thompson

Tamra… Heidi Gardner

Michael… Pete Davidson

Donald Glover

[Starts with Diedra and Bernard holding orientation for new interns]

Diedra: Guys, welcome to your first day as interns at Mattel, the Barbie division. You’re all here because of your interest in toy marketing or in Barbie herself. We take the Barbie brand very seriously here. Let the senior VP of Barbie social media elaborate more on that.

Bernard: Who is Barbie? Barbie is fun. Barbie works hard and plays thoughtfully. She has one boyfriend. She is impossible. She is girl to the max. Barbie is current, you understand?

Diedra: Yes, exactly. And last year we launched our very popular instagram account which allows her to connect with her fans online. And you three will be helping out with the captions.

Bernard: Why don’t we give it a try?

[There’s a picture of a Barbie in the screen]

Diedra: What would be a fun caption for this post? Tamra?

Tamra: “Um, love my juice and my chocolate bar.”

Bernard: That’s not a chocolate bar. It’s a clutch.

Diedra: It’s fine. You, what would you write here?

Michael: “I’m holding a chocolate bar.”

Bernard: I swear to god–

Diedra: Michael, sweetie, he just told you it’s a clutch.

Michael: Oh, oh. Then, “Oh, no. I forgot my clutch.”

Bernard: She is holding the clutch!

Michael: Oh. Then where is her chocolate bar?

Bernard: [yelling] There never was one.

Diedra: Alright. Never mind. What about you?

Donald: “I can’t shake the image of that girl getting hit by that car four years ago outside of my dream house. Anyway, I was holing a chocolate bar like this one.”

Bernard: Listen to me boy, Barbie never witnessed such a thing. That sort of thing does not happen outside of Barbie’s house.

Diedra: Bernard, calm down. It’s okay. Let’s just– we’ll do another picture. [the picture on the screen changes] Tamra, what’s your caption?

Tamra: “Hi, it’s Barbie. I can’t find my dog.”

Bernard: The dog is right there at her feet.

Tamra: Yeah. But she’s not seeing it.

Diedra: Alright. Michael, what’s your caption?

Michael: “I’m Barbie.”

Diedra: She’s answering the phone saying, “I’m Barbie?”

Michael: No. She’s just thinking it.

Bernard: So, she picked up the phone, held to her face and mouth and thought, “I’m Barbie?”

Michael: Yes. Exactly. She’s practicing.

Bernard: Practicing what? Thinking that she’s Barbie?

Michael: Okay. Let’s move on. Jason, your caption?

Donald: “Hey, I’m so sorry to do this but I won’t be able to come to the party. I just can’t. I got all dressed up but I just can’t shake this funk I’m in. I’m freaking out. I’m back to thinking about that girl from four years ago. I know it sounds crazy but I think she was trying to tell me something. I’m sorry. I’m stuck. Anyway, give me a call when you can. Oh, I’m sorry. This is Barbie. But you knew that. You have caller ID. I’m so stupid. Good bye.”

Bernard: So, young man, you are suggesting that not only Barbie will miss a party, but that she’s traumatized by something that I just told you never happened to her?

Donald: I think addressing the trauma is important. It’s a discussion that needs to be have.

Bernard: Not by Barbie. Not by Barbie.

Diedra: Bernard, breathe. Remember your condition. Okay, let’s just do another one but I’ll show you what we have in mind, okay. [Another picture of Barbie appears on the screen. Barbie is looking away at the sunset.] “Beautiful sunset in Malibu.” You see? Just like that.

Tamra: Oh.

Michael: Sure.

Donald: I like it.

Diedra: Okay? Go for it.

Tamra: “It’s almost not night anymore.”

Diedra: Oh, my god. And you?

Michael: Is that Barbie?

Diedra: Is that Barbie in the picture? Of course that’s Barbie.

Michael: Oh. I didn’t recognize her back. In that case, “I’m Barbie. This is just my back.”

Donald: Now me. “I overheard a woman at the supermarket say the strangest thing. She said, ‘There goes Barbie. Poor thing. She doesn’t know she’s a toy created by a corporation. Silly thing has never wondered where the car or the house came from.’ And the truth is I never thought of those things until today. Today is the first and very last day of my life.”

Bernard: Okay. I’m really trying to wrap my brain around this. You’re suggesting that Barbie find out that she’s a toy in a supermarket and then she has some sort of identity crisis that drives her to suicide?

Donald: It’s the only way she can be free.

Bernard: Okay, Diedra. I’m going to close my eyes and when I open them, I want all three of them out of the building.

Diedra: Yes. Yes. And I’m going to leave my eyes open and make sure that that happens for him. Well, leave! [the interns leave] Alright. You can open your eyes. They’re gone. Alright. So, we’re gonna go with “I’m Barbie. This is my back.” Right?

Bernard: Oh, definitely. It gets to the point.

A Kanye Place

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

David… Donald Glover

[Starts with five people walking in a farm at night. It’s dark. They are whispering while speaking.]

Cecily: I’m so scared.

Beck: Shh. Don’t let the monsters hear us.

Kenan: We have to be quiet.

Aidy: [to Kenan] I love you.

[David is using his phone as he’s walking. He gets surprised.]

David: You guys.

Cecily: Shh.

David: Kanye just tweeted–

Aidy: David! Shh!

David: He said he would have voted for Trump.

Cecily: Wait, seriously? When?

Kenan: Guys, don’t talk unless it’s absolutely necessary. The monsters can’t see us but they can hear us. And if we’re too loud, we’ll all be killed.

[David looks at the phone again]

David: Kanye has the hat and everything.

Beck: Shh!

David: He signed it. He signed the hat, y’all!

Kenan: Let me see that. [in loud voice] Oh, common, Kanye!

[Suddenly something pulls Kenan into the bushes. He’s gone.]

[Cut to A Kanye Place video bumper]

[Cut to the farm. The other four are still there. Beck gestures not to make a sound.]

[David looks at the phone. He is shocked again]

David: Trump tweeted Kanye.

[Beck gestures “We don’t care. Shut up.”]

Aidy: Kanye is a distraction. We should only talk about what’s important.

Beck: Like, how to survive the monsters.

Aidy: And then I guess also like, the midterms. Coz like, what’s happening with that?

Cecily: I don’t know. I can’t keep up.

[David looks at the phone]

David: Guys, they’re at Chrissy Teigen’s house.

Cecily: No, Kanye. Leave Chrissy Teigen out of this.

David: It really feels like damage control.

Cecily: Did Chrissy Teigen cook anything?

[David looks at the phone]

David: Combo.

Beck: Shh. The monsters will hear us.

Aidy: Well, why are we even talking about this?

David: Because it’s out. It’s all about them. And guess who as at the baby shower. Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

Cecily: [in loud voice] From Modern freaking Family?

[Suddenly something pulls Cecily into the bushes. She’s gone.]

Aidy: Oh, my god! She’s gone.

Beck: What if we die here?

David: What if Kanye’s just playing us?

Aidy: You think that’s what’s happening? That is so scary.

David: Thank god he just released a new track.

Aidy: What? But we can’t take the risk of listening to it. Two people just got taken by monsters.

David: I’ve got earbuds.

Aidy: Then cue it up, bitch.

[The music plays without earbuds. Beck takes the phone from them and throws it to the bushes.]

Beck: You idiots.

Aidy: Did he just say, “Poopadi scoop?” [referring to Kanye’s song]

Beck: It doesn’t matter. None of this matters.

Aidy: I need to know if he said “Poopadi scoop.”

[Aidy walks in the bushes to find the phone Beck threw.]

[in loud voice] Yes, he said “Poopadi scoop!”

[Suddenly something pulls Aidy into away. Beck and David start running.]

[Cut to Beck putting sand on the floor. David is still lookin at a phone. The red lights around them turn on.]

Beck: Oh, no. The red lights. It’s an emergency.

David: I know. Kanye was just on TMZ and he said, “Slavery was a choice.”

Beck: [yelling] Nooo!

[Suddenly something pulls Beck into the bushes. She’s gone.]

[Cut to David getting inside a room. There are security camera monitors in that room. There he sees something running on four feet. But David changes the screen visual into Kanye’s speech.]

Kanye: I don’t want y’all to call me fat, so I go liposuction. Right? And they gave me Opoids.

[David takes his phone and starts listening to Kanye’s new music]

David: Hmm, kind of grows on you.

[The monster catches David too.]

[The End]

80’s Music Video

Raz P. Berry… Donald Glover

Ann Saunders.. Cecily Strong

Reginald Saunders… Kenan Thompson

[Music video starts with man and a woman walking. Raz P. Berry is standing behind them and singing. The video looks like an old music video]

[music playing]

Raz P. Berry: [singing] I watched you with him
Strolling in the night
You kissed him twice
Now nothing seems alright

Yes, I watched you with him
Hugging in the night
I love you girl
But the writing’s on the wall tonight

[Cut to Raz P. Berry walking in a restaurant. Jade is sitting there. She is wearing a nice dress.]

Raz P. Berry: Hey girl, how you doing? [Jade stands up] No, no, no! Don’t get up. I’m just gonna join you. Is that alright, Jade?

Woman: I-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] You’re not expecting anybody, are you?

Woman: I-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] You wouldn’t be playing me like that, would you? So I’m just gonna sit here, in this seat, and tell you a little secret. I followed you. Yup, I got in my big car, and followed you, and I saw everything, Jade. And I mean, so mad! I wanted to run you down, Rambo-style. But I chilled–

Woman: I-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, wait. I went back to our apartment, and cancelled all our credit cards. All your nice jewelry? Heh, I put it right up my ass

Woman: I’m so-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] Shh. Because you gotta learn about loyalty, baby girl. So now who’s laughing? Heh heh heh, not me. Because if I laugh too hard, that jewelry will fly right out my ass. And I don’t wanna give you the satisfaction. You wanna know what else. I was so mad at you, girl, I tried to cut my own damn thing off.

Woman: I-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] Oh, wait. But I couldn’t do it, you wanna know why? ‘Cause I passed out just from holding the knife. But you wanna know what I did when I woke up? I remembered how much you love the smell of my hair, and how much you don’t like the smell of my pee. You know where I’m going with this, right?

Woman: I-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] I poured my own pee in my own hair. How does that make you feel? Because tricks are for cereal, and this is the truth, or my name isn’t Raz P. Berry. What do you have to say to that?

Woman: I-I don’t know who you are.

Raz P. Berry: (laughs) Oh, is that so? Listen to this jackass bray.

Woman: No-no, yeah, I-I don’t mean to embarrass you, I just, what I think what is happening is that your sunglasses are very dark. And it’s, it’s very dark in here.

Raz P. Berry: Right.

Woman: And it’s dark and foggy out there.

Raz P. Berry: That’s also true.

Woman: Because, because I’m not the woman you think I am because I don’t know who you are. Does that make sense?

Raz P. Berry: Back up. So, you’re not my girlfriend Jade?

Woman: No, I’m Ann Saunders, this is my husband Reginald Saunders, M.D.

[Her husband walks in]

Husband: Yes, hello. Who is this?

Woman: Um, this is Raz P. Berry. He’s a, he’s a singer.

Raz P. Berry: And a dancer.

Husband: Oh, it smells like pee around here.

Woman: Oh right. Yes, I remember the things he just sang at me. He um, he, he poured pee in his hair, and he tried to cut his penis off.

Raz P. Berry: And I put jewelry up my butt.

Husband: Why did you those things?

Raz P. Berry: To teach a woman a lesson

Husband: Yes, but how does that do that though?

Woman: Oh, oh, oh, and you were right, there was a car that almost hit us, because he wanted to run us over “Rambo-style”. I don’t know what that means.

Raz P. Berry: It’s Rambo-style because of the sunglasses.

Husband: Rambo didn’t wear sunglasses.

Raz P. Berry: Yeah, but he also didn’t put jewelry up his own ass. Look, I am sorry for the misunderstanding but I have to get home and clean up because I did a lot of horrible things in my apartment that I didn’t even get to in the song. And hey, man-to-man, keep an eye on your woman.

Husband: Oh, you know I do my brother.

Woman: Wha- honey! Come on, let’s get back to heavy drinking now that he’s gone.

Husband: Yeah, alright. Well no, he’s not gone, he’s dancing in the window.

[music playing]

Raz P. Berry: I thought she was her, young girlfriend Jade
But it was the wife
Of doctor, Reginald, Saunders