Last Call with Amy Schumer

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Sue… Amy Schumer

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender asking his customers for their last orders.]

Bartender: Alright, last call ladies. You scared off all my male customers. So, it’s time to go home or try something new.

Sue: Mama always said, a mouth’s a mouth. Bartender, give me one more Slow Fin Gizz. That’s granity in a caviar.

Sheila: And I’ll take Monstat 7 and 7. I got places to be. [bangs the table] Ou!

Bartender: Alright. Well, just drink them and go. My children are unattended.

[Bartender serves them the drinks] [Sue and Sheila look at each other]

Sue: Oh!

Sheila: [raising her glass] Hey!

Sue: I thought the Kentucky Derby was last week. But looks like there’s one little nag still limping around the track.

Sheila: Why don’t you mount me and ride me in a victory before they turn me in the glue?

[Bartender spits out food that he’s eating] [to Sue] Ay, you mind if I move my poof a little closer? I’m sitting here on what I’m choosing to believe is dumb.

Sue: Sure. Let me just move my stool.

[Sue pulls away a cup of her stool sample and gives it to Bartender. Bartender is disgusted.]

There. I’m ready.

[Sheila sits closer to Sue]

Sheila: Alright.

Sue: Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? And can I assume you landed on your face?

Sheila: Oh, good one. Hey, was your mother a beaver? Coz, damn, you got a flat tail, furry face and smell like a lake.

Bartender: The crazy thing is I used to fantasize about something like this.

Sheila: My name’s Sheila Sauvage. You can remember that coz if you mix up all the letters, it’s spells ‘hole ass vag.’ What about you? What are they gonna write on your tombstone?

Sue: Other than RIP? Rancid in pants. I love the name Sue Seil. Which is weird because seal sued me for having to a look at my face.

Sheila: [bangs the table] Get out.

Sue: Yeah.

Sheila: Get out. Coz I saw seal at a club. Excuse me. I clubbed a seal with a saw. Yeah. Yeah. It didn’t work. He lived. But either way, I’m not welcome at any beach.

Bartender: Alexa, what do I do?

Alexa: Kill yourself.

[Sheila puts her hand on Sue’s shoulders]

Sheila: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you, I was like, “God, no!” And now I’m like, “God might as well. I can’t find my keys.”

Sue: And when I saw you earlier, I was like, “Should I do something? But then you got up off the floor and you seemed okay.”

Sheila: God, this is crazy. I can’t– Something’s happening here.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

Sheila: What do you say we go back to my place and make out?… A living will.

Sue: Heck! Let’s just do doggie style. That’s when I run away and you walk through the neighborhood screaming my name.

Sheila: Ooh!

[Bartender is wearing muffler, glasses and is holding a magic wand like harry Potter.]

Bartender: Expelio-lesbiosos!

Sheila: Alright, let’s do this.

Sue: Yeah.

[they both lean to kiss]

Sheila: Wait a minute. Wait. Better safe than sorry.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

[Sheila puts sanitizer in both their mouths.]

Sue and Sheila: Ready?

[Sue and Sheila kiss each other.] [Bartender is putting sanitizer in his eyes.]

Sue: Yikes! That was unrousing.

Sheila: Wow, yeah. I just pitched a cave. Here’s what. Since our poots are dry as bone, why don’t we get some moisture on our faces with these? And now, that way, we won’t have to look at each other’s rosacea.

[They both put beauty face masks on.]

This should be good.

Sue: One. Two. Three. Let’s hit.

[They start kissing again.]

Bartender: Well then, for me I guess there’s only one option left. Good thing I hid this thing from the Nazis.

[Bartender opens a box. Smoke is coming out of it. Bartender puts his face in the smoke. The smoke melts his face.]

Handmaids in the City

Alex Moffat

Of Fred… Amy Schumer

Of Warren… Kate McKinnon

Of John… Aidy Bryant

Of Gary… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “Handmaids in the City” intro]

Female voice: Let’s face it, ladies. In 2018, a handmaid’s tale is basically our “Sex and the City.” So, whether you’re Of Fred or Of Warren, you’ll love who lose all new spinoff show, “Handmaids in the City.”

[Cut to Of Fred having her meal. She is talking to Alex. He a guard with a taser in his hand. All women are wearing red robes and white bonnets.]

Of Fred: We’ve been sent good weather.

Alex: Praise be.

Female voice: As I waited for the girls in Downtown, Gillette, I was feeling like an uptown gal and I couldn’t help but wonder, “Are women allowed to do anything anymore?”

[Of John and Cecily walk in]

Of John: Under his eye.

Of Fred: Oh! Under his eye? What about under my eye? Look at these bags.

Cecily: Oh, stop it, Of Fred. You know it doesn’t matter what our faces look like,

Of Fred: As long as we’re fertile.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of John, how’s the new place?

Of John: Amazing. It’s rent controlled. John controls me. And I don’t pay rent.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: You’re bad.

Of Fred: Yeah, but not too bad. Otherwise you get [makes choking sound, gesturing her hand as hanging on a rope].

[ladies laughing] [Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: From the Executive Producer of “Sex and the City” and 80 year old author, Margaret Atwood, it’s a show critics are calling, “So brutal” and “More uplifting than the news.”

[Cut back to the ladies. Of Warren joins them.]

Of Warren: Sorry, I’m late.

Of John: Under his–

Of Warren: [interrupting] Ah! don’t. [She has swollen eye.]

Of John: Ooh.

Of Fred: Did you get a little work done?

Of Warren: Is it that obvious?

Of John: No. It looks good on you. You look younger.

Of Warren: Well, this is what I get for reading a newspaper.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of Warren, something really is different about you.

Of Fred: I know. It’s that new manolo bonnet.

Cecily: No. No, that’s not it. You lost weight?

Of Warren: I gave birth. Does that count?

[ladies laughing] [Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll say, “Oh my god, this so could be me and my friends. You know, with the way things are going.”

[Cut back to the ladies]

Of John: Gals, guess what I did last night?

Of Fred: Are your rashan in silence and cried into your straw bed?

Of John: Yes. Classic me.

Of Warren: Well, I had sex with a married couple.

Of John: Ooh, so did I. Who would have guessed we’d be having three ways in our 30s?

Of Fred: Three way? How about a one way ticket out of here?

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: So, I’m seeing someone new.

Of Warren: Really?

Cecily: Yeah. I’m Of Gary now.

Of Fred: Bless it be the fruit.

Of John: Bless it be my fruit. I’m sweating under these robes.

[ladies laughing]

Of Warren: Oh! I hate to always talk about our guy problems. But my commanding officer Warren and I are having issues.

Of Fred: Of what? What’s wrong?

Of Warren: Argh! It’s his ex. His last handmaid hung herself and he’s just not over it.

Of Fred: So, you’re saying he’s ‘hung up’ on her?

[Alex tases Of Fred]

Of Fred thinking: As I was getting tased, I was shocked at my lack of rights in this new world but stunned at how amazing I look in red.

[Of Fred smiles as she gets tased.] [Cut to show outro]

Female voice: “Handmaids in the City.” If you’re not traumatized, you’re not watching TV.

Graduation Commercial

Amy Mitchell… Kate McKinnon

Oliver Klein… Kyle Mooney

Ashley Brandt… Aidy Bryant

Natt Jones… Chris Redd

Courtney King… Heidi Gardner

Debin Alma… Pete Davidson

[Starts with video clips of high school events]

Male voice: Summer is just around the corner. So, kick things off right with the most highly anticipated event in town. “James Madison High School Graduation.” It’s gonna be Hot as Hell. 100 grads, 400 family members. All in direct three plus hours. Grandpa might pass out. It all kicks off with class speaker Amy Mitchell who does not know how to work that mic.

[Amy walks to the podium and speaks. She is looking here and there and the mic isn’t catching everything she’s saying.]

Amy: Sometimes I wish [inaudible] and that I could stay at this school [inaudible].

Male voice: Followed by victorian Oliver Klein, the smartest kid in class giving the world’s saltiest speech.

[Oliver walks to the podium.]

Oliver: Some of us weren’t considered cool or popular. And girls didn’t notice me. But in few years, boy oh boy, things are gonna change. You’re gonna wish you have gotten with me. Congratulations to the class of 2018.

Male voice: Bitter much? Bad enough? I didn’t think so. Because it’s time for the main event. Handing out diplomas. All your favorites will be there. Like, grads with unfortunate names.

Principal: Witney Slickt.

[the girl makes sad face]

Male voice: And class radical Ashley Brandt who is making a confused political statement with her gown.

[Ashley walks to podium and holds the mic.]

Get your laws off my uterus. And save the honey bees!

Male voice: Pick a lane! And how about Natt Jones who has been telling every one he’s going to do a back handspring but then bails it the last minute?

[Natt is ready for the backflip but he doesn’t do it. Everyone is staring at him. He just walks out.]

And when visibly pregnant senior Courtney King takes the stage, watch that news hit the parents section like an atomic bomb.

[As Courtney walks to the front, the parents are shocked and are talking bout her.]

Who’s the father?

And just when you thought the fun was over, watch your principal confidently mispronounce the Indian kid’s last name.

Principal: Parswa– Parsajabadajubis.

Male voice: Butchered! And of course, everybody’s dabbing. Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab!

[Courtney King is walking]

Is it a boy or a girl? It’s a Dab!

And after the ceremony, it’s time for dads with iPads!  [All the old men are taking their iPads out to take pictures.] And lots of group pictures where no one knows which phone to look at. Plus, secrets will be revealed. Like, when you realize goth kid Debin Alma’s parent’s are like, normal? How did that happen?

And hey, look. There is a senior having drama with his girlfriend who’s a sophmore.

[Mikey is talking to his girlfriend]

Mikey: I don’t want to date college girls. Baby, we’re not gonna break up. Okay?

Male voice: Ha-ha. Yeah, they will. It will be a thing to remember. But the only thing everyone will actually remember is when the principal fell off the stage.

[Principal is speaking on the stage walking around]

Principal: Webster defines the term gradu–

[Principal falls down the stage]

Male voice: The James Madison High School Graduation. Your grandma flew in for this.

Gospel Brunch

Deacon Mac…Chris Redd

Pervis… Kenan Thompson

Traci… Leslie Jones

Melissa Malik… Cecily Strong

Kayla Manik… Amy Schumer

[Starts with Deacon speaking]

Deacon: From Huntsville, Alabama, welcome to “Gospel Brunch, with Traci and Pervis Scott.” [Cut to a choir group in a church dancing and singing] Come on, everybody.

All: [singing] Feed the body, feed the soul
ooh, feed the soul

Pervis: Come on, raise your voices.

[singing] blessed us from his hands
left it to our mouths

Traci: Stew some butter bee
and praise him all around

Pervis: For on this day,
we take our daily bread

Pervis and Traci: We give him thanks
to keep us all well,
sing it.

All: She’s a body, feed the soul
ooh, feed the soul

Pervis: Amen.

Traci: Amen.

Pervis: Amen.

Traci: Amen.

Pervis: Amen. Alright. Praise him. Well, welcome to “Gospel Brunch” everybody. Say hello to Deacon Mac.

Deacon: Am, thank you. Blessed to be here. Blessed and hungry.

Pervis: Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful.

[Pervis and Traci walk to the kitchen set]

Traci: Blesses. I’m Traci. That’s Pervis. And each week we show you how to make southern cooking with spirit.

Pervis: From fried chicken to fried okra. Alright, Deacon Mac, how’s your twin brother doing?

Deacon: Oh, not too good. He just had sex tuple bypass.

Traci: Sex tuple?

Deacon: Uh-huh. That’s six of em’. Yup. By the time they unclogged four chambers of his heart, two more got clogged right on the operation table. But he better do praise god. Amen.

Pervis: Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus. Alright. Alright.

Traci: Um-um-um. Seems like there’s a new case of heart disease or diabetes every week around here.

Pervis: Well, I don’t know where it could be coming from. Well, today we’re going to be making our honey butter fried pork casserole. [They show the dish. It doesn’t look good.] And Traci’s famous four-cheese mac and cheese with bacon and potato chips.

Traci: Um, delicious! Now, let’s get to cooking. And to help us is a chef all the way from Phoenix, Ariozona.

Pervis: That’s right. She’s taken southern cooking and added an asian twist, here’s Melissa Malik.

[Melissa walks in. She is wearing chef’s dress. She brings in some food with her.] [cheers and applause]

Pervis: Alright.

Melissa: Hello, Traci, Pervis. This is so fun.

Traci: Now, Melissa, you got something special for us.

Melissa: Um, yes, I do. Today, I’ll be making Teriyaki chicken wings.

Pervis: Oh, praise. Jesus, that sounds delicious. Let’s praise him together.

Traci: Let’s praise him.

[Pervis and Traci try to hold Melissa’s hand to praise god.]

Melissa: Guys, you know what? I would but I’m an atheist.

[Pervis and Traci looks shocked]

Pervis: Oh. Melissa Malik, everybody. Ha-ha. [Traci packs everything that belongs to Melissa] Time for you to go, Melissa. Bye, bye.

[Deacon walks in with a broom and pushes Melissa with it.]

Traci: [singing] You can’t come up in the lord’s house and say that it don’t live.

Pervis: Hah! Alright. Now, she was really nice.

Traci: Yes, she was. Too bad she couldn’t stay.

Pervis: I hear that.

Traci: Our next guest is a chef from Marietta, Georgia, who just put out her own cookbook called “Eating healthy the southern way.” Here’s Kayla Manik.

Pervis: Come on, Kayla.

[Kayla is walking in dancing.]

Traci: Praise him. Praise him. Praise him.

Pervis: What you doing over there? What was that? What was that? Girl, you got so much energy.

Kayla: Oh, yeah. That’s right. You know I do. Now tell me, who’s ready to get healthy?

Traci: I am.

Pervis: I don’t know how are we going to do that.

Kayla: Well, you can eat healthy by just making a small few changes to your diet. Okay, like, I know we all love biscuits in gravy, right? I’m not speaking out of school here. But you can’t have all that meat. All right? Well, here’s my own recipe for vegetarian biscuits and gravy. Okay, here it is looking very good.

Pervis: It looks nice.

Kayla: Thank you. Now, this is 100% no meat except for a little bit of chicken and a lot of sauce.

Pervis: Well, you need that for the flavor.

Traci: It has to taste good.

Pervis: You got to have that for the flavor. That’s for the flavor.

Kayla: That’s right. Well, you got to make it edible before we’re gonna eat it. Right? Praise him.

Choir group: [singing] Praise him.

Kayla: Oh, great. Okay. Next, a great way to eat healthy is to make a smoothie. Right? If it’s through a straw, it’s healthy. And that is a fact.

Pervis: That’s right. That is fact. That’s right.

Kayla: Okay. So, this is a healthy smoothie I made myself with my own hands on my own time. Okay? And it tastes just like pecan pie.

Traci: What? You serious?

Kayla: Any pecan fans?

[Pervis raises his hand]

Pervis: Right here.

Kayla: I’m thinking of you, Pervis.

Traci: You can’t be serious.

Kayla: Yes, I am. I promise y’all. You just blend up some ice, some low fat milk. Okay, the banana, cinnamon– And you know what? Just a little a whole pecan pie.

Pervis: Oh, that’s how it’s gonna taste like pecan pie.

Traci: That’s how it’s gonna taste.

Pervis: Yeah, you just blend all that up. That’s nice. Oh, be careful though.

Kayla: Here you go. Here you go.

Pervis: That’s wonderful. Alright, well, praise him!

Traci: Praise the lord.

Kayla: The lord doesn’t always work, and that’s fine.

Pervis: That’s alright.

Traci: That’s– well, I know that.

Kayla: You’ll have to trust me. This is delicious.

Pervis: I believe you. This is sort of a miracle.

Traci: It’s a show miracle. Now, you got more healthy tips for us.

Kayla: You know I do.

Traci: But before we get into that, we gonna take a moment to acknowledge the friends who passed from heart disease, diabetes and sugar foot.

Pervis: It is such a shame I don’t know why this keeps happening. Must be something in the water. Well, this song is for you.

Pervis and Traci: [singing] Ummm…
butter, salt, pepper and mayonnaise
stuff it in cheese
put it all in a turkey for Jesus
a turkey for Jesus
living in peace

Pervis: Oh, man. Thank you so much, Traci. Why don’t we go to commercial. When we come back, we’ll get to cooking. Come on, y’all.

Traci: Ay!

All: [singing] Feed the body, feed the soul
ooh, feed the soul

Pervis: When we come back, we gonna show y’all how to add a little flavor to your salad with salt and just a little bit of–

[The End]

Amy Schumer Mother Knows Best

Paul… Pete Davidson

Shelby McAllister… Amy Schumer

Summer… Cecily Strong

Jackie… Aidy Bryant

Mason… Chris Redd

Shanile… Leslie Jones

Christopher… Mikey Day

Abissaleth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Game Show Network” intro.]

Female voice: You’re watching “Game Show Network.”

[Cut to game stage. The contestants are waiting for the host.]

Male voice: It’s “Mother Knows Best” where moms and their teams team up to win cash. Here’s your hostess with the mostest, Shelby McAllister.

[Shelby walks in]

Shelby: Thank you. Thank you and welcome to “Mother Knows Best.” I’m your host, Shelby. I’m a YouTube sketch comedian and a serious genuine singer. Okay, to find out what our teams are playing for today, let’s check in with our announcer cutie pie Paul.

Paul: Hmm. Please don’t call me that. Just ‘Paul’ please. Our teams are playing for a grand prize of $10,000. And again, just Paul.

Shelby: Hmm, thank you cutie pie Paul. Okay, let’s meet today’s teams. From Fountain Valley, California, 17 year old Summer and her mom Jackie.

Summer: My mom can be really strict.

Jackie: Oh, and if we don’t win today, she’s grounded.

Shelby: From Tempe, Arizona, it’s 16 year old Mace and his mom Shanile.

Mason: My mom says raising kids is full time job.

Shanile: And today, I plan on getting that $10,000 raise.

Shelby: And from Fortress-of-the-Lamb, Pennsylvania, a close community of friends, it’s 17 year old John Christopher and his mom Abissaleth.

Christopher: My mom is my best friend.

Abissaleth: My son is my life. [Christopher and Abissaleth hug closely] He is of me.

Shelby: Awesome! Awesome! Before the show, we asked our teams questions about their moms. If their moms’ answers match up, they get 50 points. First question. Teams, what’s something you do that drives your mom crazy?

Summer: Oh, ma’am, this is easy. My mom hates when I chew my hair.

Jackie: Oh, yeap. I said “Chewing her darn hair.” [showing board with the same thing written.] [right answer bell]

Shelby: Correct. 50 points on the board. Christopher, what’s something you do that annoys your mom?

[Christopher and Abissaleth are holing hands]

Christopher: [giggling] Sometimes in the morning, I wake up before she does and I get up out of our bed. And when she wakes up, she won’t know I’m there.

Shelby: Did you say our bed? Mom, show us your answer.

Abissaleth: I said, [showing her written board] “Leaving our bed early and making mommy worry.”

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Yes, you did. Correct. You got 50 points.

[Christopher and Abissaleth hug very closely and tightly again]

Abissaleth: [singing] [Christopher and Abissaleth kiss on lips softly.]

Shelby: Cool. Cool. Okay. On to Mason and his mom. Mason, what drives your mom nuts?

[Mason and Shanile are still shocked]

Mason: [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] Um, they’re still going. [Christopher and Abissaleth are still kissing]

Shelby: Okay. Alright.

Abissaleth: We won the points.

Shelby: Okay, we’re done with that. We’re done with that. So, no more of that. Okay. Mason, what drives your mom crazy?

Mason: Um, when I play my music real loud. She hates that.

Shanile: What? I said “When you wear one of those dumb hats.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, yikes! No points. Okay, after one round, we got Summer and Jackie with 50 points, Mason and Shanile with 0, and John Christopher and Abissaleth with 50 points.

[Christopher is brushing Abissaleth’s hair.]

Close game so far, huh, cutie pie Paul?

Paul: Please, just call me Paul.

Shelby: We’ll see. Second question, and we’ll start with John Christopher. What’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Christopher: Oh, that’s easy. That I’ll meet a woman and get married one day.

Abissaleth: Yes, I put [shows her written card] “That a woman whose menarche has come will ensnare him, leaving me to perish in my loneliness and filth, alone, alone, alooooone. Also, lyme disease.”

Shelby: I really don’t want to give that answer points, but that’s 50 points.

[right answer bell] [Abissaleth starts singing and then Christopher and Abissaleth kiss again.]

Shelby: Okay. Okay. Okay. And my producers are asking that you limit your songs to no songs. Alright, Summer, what’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Summer: Oh, um, probably spiders.

Jackie: Oh, shoot. I said [showing her written card] I said that “My husband and I will get into one of our loud fights in front of her friends.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, oh! No points. I hear you though. My mom and dad would fight all the time. My dad was not afraid of a drink. Let’s go to Mason and Shanile.

Shanile: Ah, we forfeit. We can’t beat these two. [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] They kissing on the lip. Look at them. Look.

[Christopher is sitting on Abissaleth’s lap. Abissaleth is caressing his thighs.]

Shelby: Yeah. Yeah. No one’s gonna beat them. I don’t think they’ve ever slept in separate rooms. Okay, we’ve got to take a quick break before round two.

Christopher: Well, will I have time for restroom?

Abissaleth: And will I have time to help him in there? Coz he can’t aim.

Shelby: Oh, my god! We’ll be right back.

Amy Schumer Monologue

Amy Schumer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.

[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Amy Schumer: Thank you very much. Thank you so much. [someone passes her a mic] Oh, and thank you so much. It is so great to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live. Yes. It’s the best. Some of you may have heard, I got married this year. Sorry, ladies. It’s been locked down. And some people are like, “What are you gonna talk about now on your stand up? All you talked about was getting railed.” And I’m like, “Thank you.” But it’s true. I mean, I’m a little sad. I’m never gonna get a “You up?” text again. You know? Not like they were rolling in but it was nice to know someone was thinking about me. I one time got a “You up?” text and I wrote the guy back and he texted me, “Sorry. Wrong text.” I was like, “Me too. I’ll just cancel my Uber. Who cares?”

So, I did. I got married in the way that my now husband proposed was so worthless. It was such a dumb proposal. It was the morning. I was still asleep. He threw the box at me and said, “I got you this.” Like, it’s just– But that’s really– That’s a realistic proposal, you know? I feel like in all the movies and TV shows, it’s always a guy getting down on one knee and the girl’s always like, shocked. You know? Like, she’s like, “[screams] I didn’t even know you liked me.” You know, like, you’re gonna spend your life with this dude who you didn’t even know he liked you?

But, the girls I know, I’m from New York, we all got married in like mid late 30s. The guy would propose and all my friends are like, “Oh, now? Now you’re ready? That I probably can’t have kids? Great! Cool! You’re not in love. You’re tired. You’re tired. And I know all your passwords. That’s what’s happening.”

I have been a bridesmaid in six Long Island weddings. Do you understand what that means? And again, it’s like they all got married in their mid or late 30s. It’s like– you know, it’s New York. If you get engaged in 40, people are just like, “Whoa, teen bride! Get to know him. Meet this man. Go through menopause.”

And there’s something like, a little bit sad about being a bride’s maid in your late 30s. It’s like I’m always standing there in a Greecian gown with my aging cleavage, like coachella flower thing. And you’re just standing in that line of bridesmaids hoping you don’t have the biggest arm. That’s it. You’re just like, “Is my–” You’re like doing an arm workout. You’re doing a tricep press. Like, “She does.”

But my friends– People when they were younger, it used to be you get married in your 20s and you have a little spaghetti arm, you’re holding champagne like, “This is heavy.” You know? 30s, it’s just like a sea of turkey leg. You’re all just like, “Ugh!”

One of my best friends got married this summer. She’s an anthropologist and by that I just mean she goes to that store Anthropology a lot. She loves like, a lobster print on her dress. I could not afford anthropology growing up. I still, if I can get anything for free, I want it. There are things like, you could get for free. Like, a razor, your could seal from a gym or something. And they’re not like, a moisturized razor. It’s kind of just like a violent straight razor. But they’re free. They are free. Something else you can get for free. Tampons. Honestly, someone will always hook you up. You’ll never have to just like, bleed out. Someone will– A sister will be there for you. It’s true. We get each other’s backs. We do. And the way we ask each other, it’s not even like– you don’t even have to say the word. It’s more like a rhythm and motion. You look around like you’re about to talk rudely about somebody at a family reunion. And you go, [in soft voice] “Does anyone have like, the… huh?” You don’t even say the last words. You’re just, “Ya. Ya. [gibberish] ?” We say it like that because we’ve been taught to be ashamed of being born human women because men, I think you think that we just get our periods every month but we choose to get it. We go, “I’m bored. What should I do? I think I’ll bleed. Just bleed for a couple of days.” So, we whisper it coz we’re embarrassed.

So, I asked this group of girls. I was at a gym locker room the other day. And I was like, “Does anyone [gibberish] ?” And this girl was like, “Oh, yeah. I do. What size?” And I’m like– Of course I know there’s different sizes of tampons. But I’ve never been confronted with that question. Like, “Oh, yeah. What’s the circumference of your vagina hole? Is that– Do you have a big hole? Or is it a smaller?” And then everyone in the locker room kind of turns to see my answer. And I’m like, “How about, do you have something in a gaping? How about that? Gaping days? Is that? Just something that could plug a small hole in a Kayak. Is that in your Louis Vuitton?”

This one’s just for the ladies. Ladies, remember how we were raised with the illusion of equality, right? That was our Santa Claus, right? Wasn’t that funny? Oh. When we were little girls, they were like, [nagging voice] “You can do anything.” And we were like, “Yayy!” And then we got older and they were like, “Psyche!” And we were like, “You guys, you got us again. This sucks. This sucks.”

I think something that we can do is to just– if your mother raised these boys to be a little nicer at a young age, I really think that’s a good idea. Let’s think about it. When you’re a little girl, a little boy is men to you or he teases you. What does everyone say? “He likes you.” Right? And you’re like, “Okay, great.” You’re like, “He knocked my books out of my hands.” “Valentine.” “He pushed me on the floor.” “You’re going to prom.” Okay, great.

You guys are such a great crowd. I really hope, if you haven’t already, you see my film “I Feel Pretty.” [cheers and applause] Thank you. I’m so proud of it. But, if you see it, bring tissues… coz you’re gonna want to masturbate. I look so good in this movie.

You’re such a great crowd. We’ve got a great show tonight. Kacey Musgraves is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Colin Jost, Michael Che

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With temperatures in the 70s, spring has officially come to New York. Here to talk about his favorite season is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Wad up, man? Hi, Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Pete.

Pete Davidson: So I actually kind of lied. I’m not really gonna talk about spring. I just needed a way to get out here so I could talk about what’s really on my mind. Which is that you guys are hosting the Emmy’s this year. [cheers and applause] Relax! I’m a little sick about it. No, it’s bad enough watching you guys strut around this place with all your accomplishments. Head writers, update hosts, [pointing at Colin Jost] Harvard, [pointing at Michael Che] black. You got it all, man. Who made this decision? What did that sound like? “Any idea for a host this year? How about less entertaining version of Riggs and Murtaugh?

Michael Che: Alright, that’s-

Pete Davidson: No, I’m kidding. No, I think it’s great that Emmy hosts now are just cute friends. That’s awesome. How’s hosting next year? Squirrel and a cat? No, I know what happened. America saw you read a joke [pointing at Colin Jost] and then you read a different joke [pointing at Michael Che], and they were like, “What a chemistry!”

Michael Che: Pete, are you jealous?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m not jealous because it’s actually the worst job you can get in the show business. I just mad that you guys get to do it. I never would have done it but I would have done it if I knew it would keep you guys from doing it. Does that make sense? But seriously guys, how does it taste, boys?

Michael Che: What?

Colin Jost: Don’t ask.

Michael Che: How does what taste?

Pete Davidson: Warren Littlefield’s nuts! He runs NBC, I looked it up. How else are you getting these jobs? I know you’re doing the boss.

Michael Che: Pete, Warren Littlefield hasn’t worked in like, 20 years.

Pete Davidson: Well, South West needs to get some new magazine.

Michael Che: What is your life, man?

Pete Davidson: Well, who cares? I went to the Emmy’s last year and it sucked. So, it doesn’t matter. Some guy just gets on stage wearing a funny hat. And everyone claps. And they just read off names forever. And the biggest nerd in the class gets to give a speech. It’s a ton of crap.

Michael Che: Pete, that sounds like a high school graduation. You didn’t even go to the Emmy’s last year.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. I didn’t. No, it still sucked though.

Michael Che: It did? Pete, you know, if it makes you so mad that we’re hosting, you don’t have to watch.

Pete Davidson: Not watch and not support my friends? What do you think? I’m a monster? No, seriously guys, you know, you’re not just my friends. You’re my mentors. And I can’t wait to watch you guys hit it out on a park on your big night.

Michael Che: Aw, thanks man. Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: I hope they fail.

Weekend Update on Vet Who Smuggled Heroin in Puppies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of dogs and Colombian flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Columbian veterinarian has been charged with allegedly smuggling heroin inside of puppies. This according to the very dark sequel to the “Secret Life of Pets.”

[Cut to Michael Che There’ a picture of Kim Jong-Un and Moon Jae-in at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the historic summit between Kim Jong-Un and the leader of South Korea, Kim Jong-Un brought his own personal toilet to the meeting. Worse, the toilet was an uncle who betrayed him.

[Picture changes to Kanye West] [looks at Kanye West’s picture] Pass!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 7Eleven at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: As 7Eleven in California is trying to keep people from begging for money outside of the store by loudly playing classical music. Unfortunately, it’s only making the vagrants smarter.

[Picture changes to a police car]

A man in Kansas was arrested after he was caught having sex with a tailpipe of a car. The sex was described as “exhausting.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California man was arrested after being accused of waterboarding his wife. Still no word on where the remote control is.

Weekend Update on Rudy Giuliani’s Confessions

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of White House at left top corner.]

Well, the clock might be running out on Trump’s presidency. So, you know what that means. They’re finally putting in Rudy. [Picture changes to Rudy wearing a substitute jersey.] But instead of making a great play, this Rudy immediately tackled his own quarterback. [Picture changes to Donald Trump.] [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani’s interview on FOX News.]

Giuliani appeared on FOX News and straight up admitted that Trump knew about the Stormy Daniels payment which is maybe the best confession I’ve seen on TV that didn’t end with “Created by Dick Wolf.” The Stormy Daniels payment has turned out to be the loudest hush money in history. And during his Kings of Dementia comedy tour, Giuliani also said that the hush money was “funneled through a law firm.” Dude, funneled is not typically a word innocent people use when talking about money. No one says, “Yeah, my grandma funneled me $5 on my birthday.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are picture of Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani and Michael Cohen at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rudy Giuliani is claiming that president Trump only learned a week ago that he was reimbursing Michael Cohen’s payment to Stormy Daniels in $35,000 installments. I have a couple of questions. Like, what kind of billionaire pays for stuff in installments? You’re the president of the United States. Why are you paying for sex like it’s a nordictrack? And how did you all land on $130,000. That’s such an oddly specific number. I asked Stormy to come on Update and explain it but her agent said no because if she’s seen on camera with a black guy, her price goes down.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s are pictures of Stormy Daniels and at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: That was so far. Michael Avenatti, the lawyer for Stormy Daniels said that he was speechless after Giuliani said that Trump reimbursed Michael Cohen. In fact Avenatti was so speechless that night, he only appeared on 20 shows on six different networks.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York times has published a list of 49 questions that Robert Mueller reportedly wants to ask president Trump. The first one is, “Colluder says what? Ah!” Trump is calling this probe a trap but questions are only a trap if you’re lying. If you would ask your husband, “Where were you last night?” and he says, “Bitch, you trying to trap me?” He’s probably lying.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald trump and Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And let’s just be clear about this. Trump and his legal team are clearly the ones who leaked these questions. And I figured out why. Trump’s been so desperate to find a decent lawyer that at this point he’s just crowdsourcing his legal strategy. He’s just throwing the Mueller questions out there like, “How do you guys think I should respond?” It’s basically the same strategy Lay’s use to pick a new potato chip flavor. Which could be a smart approach for Trump or he could end up like Lays with biscuits and gravy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FBI logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: If I may ask the FBI directly, why is this taking so long? I mean, look at Trump’s team. You can’t beat them? They look like they have a commercial that goes, “Have you been hurt in a triple four? Even if you don’t have enough evidence, just frame them. Whatever happened to that? Are there different FBIs for white people and black people? Coz if the FBI was this incompetent against us, Martin Luther King would have died a lot later, peacefully in his bed on top of his mistress.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Harold Bornstein at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, president’s former doctor who by the way I loved on “Twin Peaks” said that the 2015 letter which described Trump as the healthiest individual ever elected president was dictated by Trump himself. Which also explains why Trump’s blood pressure was listed as “Haters over losers.”

[Picture changes to Ty Cobb]

White House lawyer Ty Cobb has announced that he will be stepping down at the end of May. Cobb will return to his old job of challenging you to a hot-air balloon race around the world.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Facebook announced that they’ll add a dating feature to their mobile app competing with apps like Tinder and OkCupid. Here with her thoughts is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whooo! What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, Leslie? So, you think you’re gonna use this new dating app on Facebook?

Leslie Jones: Hell, no. Because the truth is I pick the worst men. But that’s because there are so many bad men to choose from. Coz they always thinking with their penis, right?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. We sure do.

[Leslie Jones stares at Colin Jost angrily]

Leslie Jones: Shut up. And I have dated some terrible men. But what I learn is that I’m not attracting these men. I am picking these men. But that is tonight. So, I wanna have a tribute to all the ragly ass men who I thought I could rescue like the dogs they were. But I couldn’t. And let me tell you these stories are real. But the pictures are fake to protect the innocent. Ain’t nobody innocent.

[melodic music playing in the background] [singing] In the arms of an angel
fly away from here

[A man’s picture appears in the screen]

Stacey. I bought that man groceries one time. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] This man is 30 years old, y’all. I brought the groceries to his house and his mama whose house he lived in put her hand on my shoulder and whispered, “I had that boy. And I know you can do much better.”

[Another man’s picture appears in the screen]

Rodney, he had four kids and six babies mamas. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] I don’t even know how math work on that. And then he had the nerve to tell me that he had a part time job. Well, you got a full time family, Rodney! And they need your ass to work, not to be a rapper who works at Panera Bread.

[singing] In the arms of an angel
fly away from here

[Another man’s picture appears in the screen]

Chester. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] He picked me up for a date and I didn’t even know he was homeless. Even though he had all of his stuff in the back of his car. I was like, “So you ride around with a toaster and an iron back there?” And he said, “I was moving.” Well, by the end of the day, I found that he was moving in with me.

[Another black man’s picture appears in the screen]

Cimor. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] I met his ass in Jamaica. But I Jamaica a mistake-a. He said he was going to teach me a few things but all he taught me was how to cry in hotel rooms. Boy, you think you don’t like hearing people have sex through the wall of your hotel? Well, try listening to a bitch cry for six hours while playing Mary J. Blige.

[singing] In the arms of an angel

[Colin Jost’s picture appears in the screen]

Colin. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] He was so cute and sweet and kind but it would never work because he gay.

Colin Jost: I am not gay. I told you, I have a girlfriend.

Leslie Jones: And I have told you that I am not acknowledging that bitch. You need to prove that you are not gay or I’m going to keep telling everybody that you are.

[singing] fly away from here

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Chester, call me. I got a new apartment.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.