Category: 2020

Weekend Update COVID-19 Protests & Sexy Hand Sanitizer

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a news article titled ‘Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods protest restrictions’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Orthodox Jewish in New York city lashed out at a newly impulsed coronavirus restriction in their neighborhood by setting fires and burning mask. And it’s a miracle because the mask burned for eight nights.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article about Goldman Sachs at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Come on, dude!

Michael Che: That’s a good one. Come on. Stop it. Stop it.

Colin Jost: Goldman Sachs is reporting that if Joe Biden wins the election and democrats regain the control of congress, the economy will recover faster. I don’t have a joke for that. I just wanted to point out that Trump’s only thing he says he’s good at is the economy, and the economy itself was like, “I’m voting for Biden.”

[Picture changes to a woman holding a sanitizer.]

This is worse. A new Halloween costume being sold this year is for sexy hand sanitizer which I think is just lube.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s new breakfast items at right top corner.]

Michael Che: McDonald’s announced that for the first time in a decade, it’s adding new items to it’s breakfast bakery menu, including an apple fritter, a blueberry muffin and cinnamon rolls, all for the low-low price of one of your feet.

[Picture changes to Whitey Ford]

Yankee’s legend Whitey Ford died this week at the age of 91. Ford reminds us of a simpler time when you could just name your kid ‘Whitey’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sizzler logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It is dark. Sizzler restaurants have announced that as a result of the impact from covid, they are filing bankruptcy. Which is probably a good idea since the Sizzler buffet is the closest thing America has to a Wuhan wet market.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a shark at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Nova Scotia have found a 50 year old great white shark that they’re calling queen of the ocean, because he gay as hell.

[Picture changes to a horse]

Pennsylvania police arrested a man who tried to rent a horse online so that he and his wife could have sex with the animal. But the man had no idea that the whole time, he was actually chatting with a police horse.

VP Fly Debate Cold Open

Susan Page… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Jill Biden… Heidi Gardner

Scientist… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with vice-presidential debate intro]

Male voice: And now, the thing that will change everyone’s minds. The vice-presidential debate.

[Cut to Susan Page in her set]

Susan Page: Good evening. I’m Susan Page and I missed book club for this. Tonight, we’ll be discussing who cares number of topics, each lasting I couldn’t tell you minute. But one thing is for sure. If anything’s gonna be trending on Twitter tonight, it’ll be one of the humans involved in this debate. Let’s welcome them now. Vice president Mike Pence [Mike Pence walks in] and senator Kamala Harris [Kamala Harris walks in spraying sanitizer] [cheers and applause]

Kamala Harris: Oh! Oh! Oh! That’s right. The scent-tator from Kamala-fornia is present.

Susan Page: Thank you, senator. And tonight, you’ll notice that between the candidates, we’ve installed buffet-styled sneeze guards on account of one of you works for patient zero.

Mike Pence: It’s actually fine by me, Susan. Susan PageMike Pence feet apart and separated by plexiglass is how mother and I sleep.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, my first question is for you.

Mike Pence: Thank you.

Susan Page: The topic is coronavirus.

Mike Pence: Dammit.

Susan Page: Now, you were in charge of the coronavirus task force, and since you took charge, over Mike Pence00,000 Americans have died. How do you explain that?

Mike Pence: Well, Susan, I’d like to begin by stalling hard. We’re in Utah, wow, what a magnificent state. Even though their basketball team is named after my greatest fear, Jazz. I yield the remainder of my time.

Susan Page: Alright. Senator Harris.

Kamala Harris: You see, this is what they do, Susan. They avoid taking any responsibility–

Mike Pence: We do not.

Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking. I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: Yeah. Well, I’m just trying–

Kamala Harris: I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: Yes, but–

Kamala Harris: Yeah, but I’m speaking. See, I’m speaking right now. Estoy hablando Nevada, Arizona, some parts of Texas. I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: I understand that. I understand.

Kamala Harris: Yeah. I don’t think you do. Because you talking and I’m speaking. See, this administration has consistently lied to us about the virus. They said they wanted to keep us calm, but let me ask the American people this, how calm were you when you didn’t know where you were going to get your next roll of toilet paper? Huh? How calm were you when you were staring at that cardboard tube when you finished the roll and you thought, “Well, it’s technically paper.” And how calm were you when even that tube was gone and you looked at your old t-shirts and a pair of scissors and thought, “Are we doing this?” Now, I’d like to hear the vice-president’s response, and while he speaks, I’m gonna smile at him like I’m in a TJ Maxx and a white lady asked me if I work here.

[Kamala Harris is nodding her head and smiling]

Mike Pence: Look, I promise you, the president has taken this virus seriously since the very beginning of last week.

Kamala Harris: Okay, now Susan, what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna switch to more of a Clair Huxtable side eye.

[Kamala Harris is looking at Mike Pence with her side eye]

Mike Pence: President Trump puts the health of all Americans way ahead of his own personal and financial gain.

Kamala Harris: Okay. So now what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna fix my face so you have no idea what I’m thinking, but black women at home knows exactly what I’m thinking. And a few of the white women. And all of the gays.

[Kamala Harris acts like she’s wearing makeup]

Mike Pence: But enough of covid. Lets on the two issues Americans do care about. Swine flu and fracking.

Kamala Harris: Now if anyone should be talking about fracking, it’s my guy Joe Biden. Joe Biden fracks in his free time. Joe Biden will frack you so good, Pennsylvania, and while I personally wanted to ban fracking, now that I know Pennsylvania loves it, I just want to say this. [in accent] You guys can bet your wawa cheesesteak hoagie and all the water in the Schuylkill river, then Joe Biden need to be fracking. Go Wagles!

Susan Page: Now Mr. Vice President, I have to ask this. What is the current health of president Trump?

Mike Pence: Thank you for asking, Susan.

Susan Page: Oh, I wasn’t asking out of sympathy, Mike. I was asking with a shimmering rage for his incompetence in a sadistic hope that he is not well.

Mike Pence: Unfortunately for you then, the president is doing amazing. Thanks to his team of terrified doctors. As you heard from his primary physician Dr. Handsome Liar, Trump is in peak physical condition.

Susan Page: [with disappointed face] Uh-huh. And to be clear, what medication has the president taken?

Mike Pence: Almost none, Susan. He has taken Asprin which he’s always taking, an injection of experimental monoclonal antibodies, a macho man Randy Savage amount of steroids, a woman’s pro-biotic for balance and 60 cc of helium into his skull, so his head doesn’t fall over on TV.

Susan Page: So, like a balloon head?

Mike Pence: That’s correct. Like a balloon head. He is also taking viagra for morale and some horny goat weed he bought at a gas station, because the president believes in medicine. Unlike senator Harris who said she wouldn’t even take a vaccine.

Kamala Harris: Look, if Dr. Fauci says a vaccine is good, I will be the first in line like it’s an Ann Taylor sample sale. But if Trump says it’s safe, I will throw that vaccine in the trash like last week’s shrimp pad thai. Besides, mama’s got all the vaccine she needs right here. [she pulls her martini glass in.]

Susan Page: And senator Harris, if elected, would you pack the supreme court?

[Kamala Harris spits out the martini]

Kamala Harris: Susan, instead of answering that exact question, I would like to tell you the story of when Joe picked me to be his running mate. Joe told me we were just going out for dinner. Then he got down on one knee and that’s when I knew that he needed help up. After that, he gathered himself and said, “Kammala, let’s do this.” And I said, “it’s Kamala.” And he said, “I will never ever, ever get that right.”

Susan Page: That’s very sweet. And vice president Pence, how did president Trump ask you?

Mike Pence: He texted me “Oh my god. I can’t believe those religious psychos made me pick Pence.” And then he texted, “Oops, wrong person.” Then he hasn’t texted me since. Oh, except in March when he wrote “coronavirus is your’s now.”

Kamala Harris: And what did you do to stop that virus? Because Joe Biden and I have a plan.

Mike Pence: Oh, like swine flu?

Kamala Harris: What?

Mike Pence: Swine flu. 2 million dead.

Kamala Harris: 2 million?

Mike Pence: 2 million if you include the swine. Those poor little piggies.

Kamala Harris: Okay. This fool’s up here talking about dead pigs.

[Cut to Joe Biden in his home with his wife watching the debate]

Joe Biden: Lord, love a duck. Kamala can’t get a word in edgewise. This joker drops more road apples than a bull eating a bran muffin.

Jill: Calm down, Joe. It’s okay.

Joe Biden: No, it’s not, Jill. I need to do something. [stands] I need to teleport to that debate and save the soul of this nation. [feeling dizzy] Woah! Got up way too fast.

[There’s a scientist at Joe Biden’s home]

Scientist: But sir, the teleportation machine is not ready yet. M-tracks says it needs at least six more months.

Jill: You heard him, Joe. It’s too dangerous. And what about COVID protocols?

Joe Biden: Don’t worry. I’ll wear a mask… on my eyes.

[The teleportation count-down begins. Joe Biden gets inside the machine. There’s a fly in the time machine too.]

[Cut to Mike Pence speaking at the debate. There’s that fly on his head.]

Mike Pence: And that is how president Trump will make the economy better by making it worse.

Susan Page: I’m sorry to interrupt vice-president Pence. There’s a–

Mike Pence: War on police in this country? I couldn’t agree more.

Susan Page: No, no. There’s a giant–

Mike Pence: Lack of respect for militias? You’re darn right.

Susan Page: No. Senator Harris, help me out.

Kamala Harris: Oh, no. I’m good. Looking real good, Mike. Keep it up.

[Cut to Joe Biden as a fly on Mike Pence’s hair.]

Joe Biden: Let me at him! Buzz, let me at him!

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, do you not feel that at all?

Mike Pence: I’ll tell you what I feel, Susan. I feel for the businesses that are going to be crippled by Joe Biden’s tax cuts.

Joe Biden: Yes, yes. Your economy is so on the toilet, I wanna lay my eggs on it. What? What?

[Cut to Jill Biden in her home watching the debate]

Jill: Oh, no. There must have been a fly in the teleportation machine. That’s why Joe turned into a fly.

Scientist: Yeah. But that doesn’t explain why he sounds like Jeff Goldblum.

[Cut to Jeff Goldblum playing Joe Biden as the fly]

Jeff Goldblum: God created dinosaurs. Dinosaurs became republican. Republicans created Trump. Trump destroys god. Oh!

[Cut to Jill Biden in her home watching the debate]

Jill: Oh, no. Now he’s gone full Goldblum.

Scientist: He even has the glasses.

[Cut to Jeff Goldblum playing Joe Biden as the fly]

Jeff Goldblum: apartments.com. The most popular place to find a place. No, no. Yes, yes. Because life finds way.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President.

[Now there are two flies on Mike Pence’s head]

Mike Pence: Yes.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, there’s another one.

Mike Pence: Another Antifa rally? No surprise there.

Kamala Harris: Oh, honey. At this point, I’m just enjoying the show. [Kamala Harris pulls out and starts eating popcorn]

[Cut to two flies, Jeff Goldblum and Herman Cain]

Herman Cain: Man, what kind of nonsense is Mike Pence trying to pull?

Jeff Goldblum: Do tell, do tell. Wait, I’m sorry. Friend, you look familiar.

Herman Cain: Well, I better. I’m Herman Cain reincarnated as a damn fly. And these fools, Trump and Pence killed me, man. They invited me to a rally with no mask. Said, “Everything is fine, Herman.” I catch corona. Trump tell me, “Everything is fine, Herman.” The White House doctors, they checked me out and they said, “Everything fine, Herman.” Three days later, I’m gone. If you watching this at home, don’t trust this white devil about corona.

Susan Page: Yes, vice president Pence, I think one of your flies is screaming at you.

Tiny voice: Whity’s gonna give you the corona.

Susan Page: Okay, I think we need to shut this debate down for the good of humanity. Senator Harris, would you like to do what everyone at home wants to do?

[Kamala Harris is holding a fly killer racket]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I would.

[Kamala Harris hits on Mike Pence’s head]

Susan Page: Flies, anything else you’d like to add?

[Cut to the two flies. Herman Cain is injured by the hit.]

Herman Cain: Oh! Am I dying again?

[Fly Jeff Goldblum pukes]

Jeff Goldblum: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Herman Cain and Jeff Goldblum: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Sports Debate

Michelle Compton… Ego Nwodim

Kevin Dozier… Kenan Thompson

Gill Scott… Bill Burr

[Starts with ‘The Blitz’ intro]

[Cut to the set]

Michelle: Good morning. Welcome to ‘The Blitz’. I’m Michelle Compton. With me as always is Hall of Fame receiver Kevin ‘Cash’ Dozier and the incomparable Gill Scott. How are you gentlement?

Kevin: Well, I’ve been better, Michelle.

Gill: I’ll tell you. I am fired up today, Michelle, because how about them bears?

Michelle: Okay. I see. Gill is excited to talk about Chicago’s win over Tempa.

Gill: No, no, no. That wasn’t just a win. That was a statement to the rest of the NFL. And I specifically remember my esteemed colleague, Mr. Hall of Famer here not only called me a stupid idiot for believing in Chicago, but you even bet me a steak dinner at Lombardo’s that they’d lose. Don’t even try weaseling out of it like you always do.

Michelle: Okay. Alright. Gill seems very happy here.

Gill: I am– I am more than happy. Last night was like, the best night of my life. I’m gonna put my bears gear on here, huh? I haven’t eaten all day to make room for that steak you owe me, buddy. Oh, I see Mr. Quiet over there doesn’t have much to say, do you? Look at you. You’re about to cry or something.

Kevin: No, I just– I didn’t actually watch the game.

Gill: Oh, I bet you didn’t, coz you owe me a steak.

Kevin: Well, as I was saying, I didn’t watch the game after hearing about Kareem Jenkins, the black man who was shot by police last night. It was a terrible tragedy.

Michelle: Yeah, me neither, Kevin. Football, sports in general, everything just feels so small after yesterday’s tragedy.

Kevin: Yeah. I totally agree, Michelle. All I can watch was the news coverage of the ongoing protest and riots.

Michelle: Oh, yeah. And that speech from his parents, it was truly heart breaking.

Gill: Yeah, yeah. I mean that was truly heartbreaking.

Michelle: Gill, but since you watched the game last night, if you–

Gill: I mean– I mean I watched some of the game. But I was flipping back and forth between the news. But I was mostly watching the news.

Kevin: Ah. You’re stronger man than I am, Gill. Coz I couldn’t stomach one second of football last night.

Michelle: I went out and spoke with some protestors.

Gill: And just to be clear, there was a ticker score at the bottom of the news. I mean, that’s what I was watching. You know what? I think I should take this crap off. [pulls off his bears hat.]

Kevin: Actually, I’m sorry to cut you off, Gill, but I just have to say this into the camera. As a black man, I wanna know when is this all gonna stop?

[A waiter brings in a steak to Gill that he won on bet]

Michelle: I’m sorry to stop you, Kevin, but there’s something going on here.

Gill: Okay. This is awkward. But I thought Kevin might welch on our steak bet like he always does, so I thought it would be fun to have Lombardo’s send the stuff directly to the studio as a joke. So, I’m sorry. Please continue.

[There’s another waiter holding a big baby bottle by Kevin’s side.]

Waiter: And for the big baby.

Gill: That’s my fault. That’s my fault.

Kevin: What the hell? What is this?

Gill: It’s a baby bottle. Coz I thought you were gonna make excuses for the Bucks losing. It was supposed to be funny.

[Waiter walks in with a pepper crusher]

Waiter: Fresh crack pepper, sir?

Gill: No, no, that’s fine. That’s fine.

Waiter: Fresh crack pepper for your steak, sir?

Gill: No, no. I don’t even want this. I don’t even want this.

Waiter: Is it not the right temperature, sir?

Gill: No, I can tell by looking at it, it’s perfect. Just get it out of here.

Michelle: You know, Kevin, why don’t you finish what you were saying while Gill enjoys his juicy steak.

[Now, a baby face filter is applied on Kevin]

Kevin: Yeah. So, as I was saying, as a black man, I am sick and tired of asking– Ay! Is that a filter on me?

Gill: I told the booth to do that. Cut it out, guys. Please. Just get this stupid steak out of here, man. Please.

Waiter: Sorry about that guys. I’ll just throw that right now.

Gill: Just wrap it up or something.

Waiter: It’s no problem. We can throw it away.

Gill: Can you please get rid of it? Well, might as well wrap it up now that you have it.

Waiter: Okay. Whatever you want.

Gill: Keep it out in the open. Look, I just want to say what happened–

Kevin: Why don’t you just eat the steak, Gill?

Michelle: Yeah, get over it.

Gill: I don’t want to eat the steak. Okay? I just– We shouldn’t waste it, right? I mean, it smells so good. So, let’s just wrap it up and put it in the break room. Someone will eat it eventually.

Michelle: Gill, you don’t have to pretend, okay? You don’t have to pretend you’re upset, okay? You clearly are not.

Gill: I am upset. Give me a camera. [looks right into the camera] I want to make this perfectly clear that I do not support nor will I be defined by the comments of a couple of trolls. What happened last night is completely unacceptable and it breaks my heart what happened to that guy.

Michelle: What guy?

Gill: The guy you were talking about.

Kevin: Yeah, but what’s his name?

Gill: You said it earlier.

Michelle: And?

Gill: God, you know, there’s so many guys to it’s name. [looking and pointing at the camera] And that’s the problem. You know what? Give me the steak. I saw a homeless guy. I can give it to him.

[Waiter walks in with a packed paper bag]

Waiter: Alright, here you go, sir.

Gill: Thank you.

[The waiter walks to Kevin with a bill]

Waiter: I was told that you’d take care of the bill?

Kevin: Man, I ain’t paying the damn bill.

Gill: [shouting] See? See? I knew he was gonna welch on it. Every time! Come on, man. Deal’s a deal. Chicago Bears, baby!

Sam Adams

Heidi Gardner

Kevin R. … Alex Moffat

Jonathan E. … Beck Bennett

Sean S. … Bill Burr

Kori A. … Ego Nwodim

Daria C. … Lauren Holt

Son… Mikey Day

[Starts with Heidi serving the beer in glass and speaking.]

Female voice: Sam Adams has brewed signature beers in the heart of Boston since 1984. So who better to try out our Jack-O Pumpkin Boston Ale than real Bostonians?

Kevin R.: You know, it’s got that great Sam Adams taste, but the pumpkin flavor. Really kicks it up a notch.

Jonathan E.: I love Sam October fest, but I think this might even be better.

[Seas S. takes of sip of beer and spits it out.]

Sean S.: Jesus Christ. What the [bleep] is that?

Kori A.: Okay. This is the perfect beer for sweater weather.

Sean S.: Okay, let’s try this for real. [Sean S. drinks a whole glass of beer at once.] I don’t like that.

Daria C.: I’m not a really beer drinker, but this might change that.

Sean S.: This is a kind of beer somebody brings to a party at your house and then just sits in the fridge for like, 8 months. And then one day, your buddy comes your home and he’s like, “Hey, you got a beer?” And I’m like, “Well, you know, I got this pumpkin shit.” So, you drink it. And, you know, gets you a buzz.

[His son is behind him shopping]

Son: Pop, come on!

Sean S.: [yelling] I’m coming!

Son: You’ve been sitting there for half an hour and I have to work.

Sean S.: I’m enjoying myself. You know, you’re just like your mother! [son walks away] Oh, there you go.

Kori A.: You guys should sell this year around. Seriously, it’s so–

[Sean S. walks behind Kori A. interrupting the video.]

Sean S.: Sorry, sorry. Just grabbing one more. [He opens the bottle and spills the beer everywhere.] Oh, watch it. My bad.

Jonathan E.: I can definitely taste the hops.

[Sean S. is shopping his groceries being very loud with his son.]

Sean S.: Hot Tots, Reese’s Puffs? What are you, eight? Go get some stop & shop corn flakes in the Welfare Bag. [his son is staring at him] What’s that look? Are you gonna take a swing at me? Is today the day? Hah? Is this the day that you swing at your old man? Is that what it is? Come on, you a man now? [son walks away] Didn’t think so.

[Son throws a bag of corn flakes at him. They start fighting.]

Female voice: Sam Adams Jack-O Pumpkin Ale, real Bostonians agree.

All: It’s a winner.

Sean S.: You know, it’s kind of sweet and [bleep] but, you know, there’s nothing else to drink. You guys called the cops?

New Normal

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kyle Mooney

Jeannie…Kate McKinnon

Don… Bill Burr

[Starts with three adult couples enjoying barbecue at backyard.]

Chloe: Thank you so much for doing this. It’s so nice to have to have a reason to get out of the house.

Kenan: Well, we thought that we could at least get together out here so we can social distance on the deck.

Ego: Yeah. As much as we wanna see people, I know it’s still a little nerve wrecking.

Kyle: Jeannie and Don, we haven’t seen you this whole time.

Jeannie: Oh, no. We’ve been really, really deep in our bubble. You’re the first people we’ve seen in six months. I hope you remember how.

Don: Ha-ha. Yeah. I’d say we’re a little freaked out just seeing people in 3D, but you know, I am so glad that we did this.

Jeannie: Yeah, me too.

Kyle: It’s such a weird time.

Jeannie: Um-hmm, it really is. It’s a cliche, but it’s unpresidented.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s funny.

Ego: That is funny.

Don: What? What’s funny?

Kyle: Well, you said ‘unpresidented’. That does a joke, you know? Like, we don’t have president.

Jeannie: Oh, no. I just said the word.

Don: Yeah. Like, you know, they say it at the ending of every commercial. Like, “In these unpresidented times.”

Jeannie: “In the unpresidented times, you need snickers” or whatever.

Chloe: Oh. Okay. Well, I guess we had it confused.

Ego: Yeah. Because the word is actually–

Kenan: You know, you don’t have to actually do that.

Ego: I mean, but I would want to know.

Kenan: Or you can just let it go.

Don: No, no, say, say. Let what go?

Chloe: No. It’s just the word you’re thinking of is unprecedented.

Jeannie: Is it really? Unprecedented. Unprecedented.

Don: Unprecedented. Okay.

Jeannie: I guess we said that wrong. I guess.

Don: Hah. Unprecedented. Okay. Thank you.

Jeannie: Yes. Unprecedented? Yeah.  Thank you.

Kyle: Well, you know what’s unprecedented? These wings.

Kenan: Ha-ha. Okay.

Ego: Ha-ha-ha. Do you like em’? I bake them.

Kenan: Yeah. I actually think they taste better than the fried one.

Don: You know, I’m sorry we said the word wrong. Okay?

Kenan: I’m sorry. What was that?

Jeannie: I’m sorry we said the word wrong in your house. Or on your deck. Sorry, we’re on your deck!

Don: It was nothing. Watch it, Jeannie. Don’t say you’re in the house when we’re on the deck. You wouldn’t want to say the wrong place.

Jeannie: Yeah. We made so many mistakes tonight and I am sorry.

Don: Hey, sorry. Sorry, we had to make– we have a nerve to make so many mistakes on your deck.

Kyle: Don’t get upset. It’s nothing.

Ego: Yeah. You know, the other day I said ‘Dua Lipi’ instead of ‘Dua Lipa’.

Don: Look, we have not been out of the house in six months.

Jeannie: We’ve had show many COVID scares?

Don: I don’t know. I get–

Jeannie: [yelling] Kenan0! Kenan0!

Don: I get fevers. I don’t even know why. Okay?

Jeannie: So, I’m sorry we’re a little on edge. It’s just where we’re at.

Don: Okay? This is just our noon normal. Okay?

Kyle: New normal?

Don: What?

Kenan: Don’t correct him. You ain’t got to correct him.

Don: No, no, no, no, no. What did you say? I said noon normal. What did you say?

Chloe: The phrase is ‘new normal’.

Jeannie: He said noon normal.

Chloe: I know, but it’s new normal. What is noon normal?

Don: You know, it’s like when the day’s going great and then at around noon time, it just– [yelling] [Don throws his wine glass at the wall]

Kyle: Good god!

Jeannie: We are all we have. You see? We only see each other every day.

Don: Things get repeated. Our brains get confused.

Jeannie: We don’t have a deck. We don’t have outdoor lights. Well, we don’t have baked wings. We’re not rich.

Don: We drink our money.

Jeannie: Our money goes to drinks. [Jeannie throws her wine glass on the wall too]

Kyle: Oh good Jesus!

[Jeannie kicks the wings away]

Jeannie: I’m sorry. I have kicked the wings. I’m sorry.

Don: Yeah. And I might have broken a glass. And I think she broke one too. So, we owe you two glasses. Alright? For all intent and porposes, I’m sorry.

Jeannie: I’m sorry we’re bad.

Kenan: Jeannie, Don, calm down. Come on. It’s okay. The world is really stressful right now. You don’t have to be sorry for anything.

Ego: My wings are everywhere, but the important thing is that we’re together.

Kyle: And we’re safe and healthy.

Ego: Yeah. And thank god, no one has COVID.

Jeannie: I think you mean COVIN.

Kenan: [whispering to Ego] Girl, we’re gonna run out of glasses if you say something.

Ego: That’s right. It is COVIN. I meant to say COVIN.

All: Here’s to the end of COVIN.

Gospel Play Promo

Kenan Thompson

Bill Burr

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

[Starts with short clips of the show]

Male voice: North Carolina come on down to the Raleigh Praise Center to catch the opening weekend of Kim Fitzgerald’s new play, ‘God, don’t let Whitey take the house’. The Cole’s are a good Christian family.

Kenan: Now, y’all kids know you ain’t got nothing that can touch your temptations.

[Kenan starts laughing]

Male voice: Watch as they take not one, not two but all the white devils for this epic three night event. Enjoy all your favorites like Chet Roth as evil white landlord “Merriwether Windbanks”.

Merriwether Windbanks: Now you give me that rented A or you and your family have to be homeless.

Kenan: [yelling] Why?

Male voice: The Coles are gonna beg but Whitey just don’t give a damn.

Kenan: [speaking on the phone] I collect all orders from Jesus.

Male voice: But no worries. God’s got their back and he’s willing. Returning to the stage, we have stunning Charlotte Amory as Mrs. Baker, the guidance counselor.

[Cut to Mrs. Baker and Ego at school.]

Mrs. Baker: You expect me to believe he got these scores with no help?

Ego: He did have help, from Jesus!

Male voice: Introducing Topher Beatty as a devious white mayor ‘Williams Kingsbury’.

[Cut to Williams Kingsbury and Derome at veranda]

Derome: You can’t just come in here and take the house that my daddy built.

Williams Kingsbury: Derome, is it? Son, I’m the mayor of this town and I’m rezoning this property for a haunted house. But there is a way for you to stop the construction.

Derome: What is it? Whatever it is, I know god will help make it happen.

Williams Kingsbury: I want you to sleep with my wife while I watch.

Derome: Now you know I can’t do that. I’m a Christian man.

Williams Kingsbury: Boys! Tear it down.

[Bulldozer sound]

Derome: [crying] Jesus!

Male voice: New comers Tanesha Jenkins and Rebecca Longfellow blaze the staze.

[Cut to Tanesha and Rebecca at an office.]

Rebecca: Why can’t I have the job, Ms. Waterberry? I need it to save my momma’s house.

Tanesha: It’s your butt. It’s too much.

Rebecca: [looking at her own butt] Damn!

Male voice: And you know you don’t want to miss Saturday’s matinee. For Kenan night only, SNL’s Pete Davidson joins the cast as 90’s R&B star John B.

[Cut to Pate Davidson singing to Ego]

Pete: [singing] Don’t listen to what people say

I know I’m white, but I go to black barber shop, I love church, and I got my own business doing yacht work. Will you marry me?

Ego: Yes! Thank you Jesus.

[Williams Kingsbury walks in]

Williams Kingsbury: Not so fast.

[gunshot sound]

Male voice: Don’t be the only person who doesn’t know how it all goes down. “God, don’t let whity take the house.]

Enough Is Enough

Benjy … Beck Bennett

[Starts with 1 on IGTV]

Benjy: Hey, guys. It’s me, Benjy from the hit show ‘The Bodies’ on Nintendo TV. I’ve also got a fun auditions and really cool stuff coming up. But I’m here today because the state of the world is so awful. Now, I can’t just sit back and be an actor anymore. Not with this incredible platform ‘The Bodies’ has given me. So, Mr. President, hear me when I say…

[music playing]

[singing] Look out the window, there’s kids and cages
bet you can’t see them from your golfing ranges
you’ve had three wives, you don’t care about our lives
well enough is enough is enough Mr. Trump

You’re a puppet from Mr. Putin

You’re the one who’s doing all the looting
You’re no up to the task, you don’t even wear a mask
so enough is enough is enough Mr. Trump

I won’t sit back like everything is fine
I can’t sit back with so much on the line
you may be president, but you’re not mine
enough is enough is enough Mr. Trump

I tag Leonardo DiCaprio,
Trevor Noah and Jason Momoa
let’s get this video to a 100 million views by midnight
so we can finally send Donald Trump the message

that enough is enough.

[Cut to 1 pulling his phone out of the tripod in his house.]

And posted. I did it.

[1 goes to the the toilet. This phone starts ringing.]

[answering the phone] Hey, Kevin. How’s it going, man? Did you see my video? Yeah, I just felt like I couldn’t sit by any longer and not say something, you know? In order to make my voice heard– I should take it down? Take it down immediately? Uh-huh. No one needs this from me.

[phone vibrating] You know what? I gotta go, Kevin. Kelsey’s calling me.

[answering the phone] Hey, Kels. Did you see my vid? Yes. Yes, I just– You know, I wanted to use my platform as an artist to– I should take it down? I should take it down right now? Yeah. But here’s– I really think that this is such an important election. And I feel like I need to do my part as an actor to make it different. I’m not famous enough? Just a desperate career move? Could actually mobilize his base? Okay. Kels, you know what? I actually gotta go.

[1 walks to his roommate’s door]

Hey, roomie. Just wanted to say sorry about the mess in the living room. I don’t know if you saw– Take it down? Yeah, well, I know it’s a little embarrassing coz I realized it after I shot it that I forgot to put a shirt on– No one’s buying that? You heard me doing pushups before?

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, sorry. My girlfriend’s here.

[1 opens the door]

Hey, baby. You’re not coming in? And this is what? A box of all my stuff.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

[Jason Momoa is on FaceTime]

Jason Momoa: Is this the guy from Enough is Enough video?

Benjy: Yes. I–

Jason Momoa: Don’t tag me from that pathetic piece of [bleep].

Benjy: I–

Jason Momoa: That was the saddest weakest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m watching it and I’m thinking myself, “How the [bleep] did this guy even get to that age without dying?” You need to take it down coz it’s pathetic and you’re loser. [hangs up the phone]

Benjy: It worked. Jason Momoa knows me.

Don Pauly

Joey… Pete Davidson

Don Pauly… Bill Burr

Mikey Day

Vinny… Kyle Mooney

Johnny… Alex Moffat

Nicky… Beck Bennett

Glar … Punkie Johnson

[Starts with a group of mean having a meeting at a restaurant]

Joey: Before we get down to business, how about a welcome home after Don Pauly0 years in the joint for Don Pauly? Salute.

All: [raising their glasses] Salute.

Don Pauly: You know, as I look around this room, I see what used to be the most ruthless, powerful crime family in this city.

Joey: Damn right.

Don Pauly: Shut up! I said used to be. Coz that sure is hell ain’t what it is now. What happened to this gang? We used to own this city. I go away Don Pauly0 years, and all of a sudden now there’s friggin Mexicans controlling the neighborhood?

Mikey: Um, okay.

Don Pauly: What? What? Did I say something wrong?

Mikey: No disrespect, Don Pauly, we all get your point. I just think it’s a little weird that you made it so– I don’t know.

Vinny: Racial.

Mikey: Yes. Thank you. One person.

Don Pauly: [looking confused] What do you mean racial? Vinny, the Diablos control all the drugs in the neighborhood, do they not?

Vinny: Yeah, they do. They do.

Don Pauly: Okay. And the last I checked, the Diablos are friggin Mexicans. Are they not?

Mikey: And he’s doubling down. Great!

Joey: Oh, hoof!

Don Pauly: Joey, you got a problem with what I’m saying here? Hah? We’re losing money over here.

Joey: We understand your point, Don Pauly. But with all due respect, your choice of words to some people may seem a little, I don’t know, outdated.

Don Pauly: My choice of words? Is this a joke? Hah? Is there a hidden video around? Is Jamey Kennedy around here somewhere gonna film me?

Vinny: Jamey Kennedy?

Mikey: Who’s Jamey Kennedy?

Don Pauly: Jamey Kennedy, the king of the pranks. He got the TV show, he pranks people.

Joey: Oh, you mean Aston Kutcher.

Johnny: No, Kutcher was Punk’d.

Don Pauly: Just forget it. Just forget it. Am I losing my freaking mind over here? I mean, Nicky the nose, you tell me if I’m going nuts, right? You’d tell me?

Nicky: Hey, Don Pauly, you know I don’t mean no disrespect to you but I just go by Nicky now.

Don Pauly: What? You’ve been Nicky the nose since we were kids.

Mikey: Yeah. We don’t get people nicknames based on their physical appearances anymore. That’s called shaming.

Nicky: It didn’t feel too great sometimes.

Mikey: See, Don Pauly, your words have… I don’t know.

Vinny: Power.

Mikey: Yes, thank you.

Don Pauly: I can’t believe my friggin ears. I mean, are we still gangsters here? We still in the friggin mob over here?

Joey: Of course, we are, Don Pauly. But all that’s changed in the last Don Pauly0 years.

Don Pauly: No kidding. This gang didn’t use to be filled with a bunch of queers.

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

Johnny: Easy, Don Pauly. No disrespect, but as someone who identifies a queer, I take a little exception to that last comment of your’s.

Don Pauly: What?

Johnny: So, if you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna take a mental health day and I’m gonna work from home now.

Joey: Of course, Johnny. God bless.

All: Salute.

Don Pauly: Wow, wow, wow. What the hell was that all about?

Joey: Don Pauly, you gotta understand. Johnny is sensitive.

Don Pauly: Sensitive? He’s a freaking murderer.

Mikey: Ay, they’re a friggin murderer.

Don Pauly: Jesus! I mean, what happened to you people, huh?

Glar: Wow, wow, wow. You people? With all due respect, Don Pauly, what do you mean by ‘you people’?

Don Pauly: No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant everybody in general. Wait a minute. Who’s the black chic? hah?

Joey: Um, the woman of color you’re referring to is Glar. She’s a capo.

Don Pauly: Of this gang? How the hell did that happen?

Vinny: We got slammed pretty hard on Twitter for our lack of diversity.

Nicky: Yeah. You remember the #MafiaSoWhite?

Don Pauly: Oh, god, you should be friggin kidding me.

Glar: Look, Don Pauly, representation is very important even in crime. Besides, I’m more capable and dangerous than CIS black white male gangster here.

Don Pauly: Oh, really? Okay. Then shoot Vinny.

Vinny: With all due respect, Don Pauly, that’s not how we– [Glar shoots at Vinny] Ah!

Don Pauly: Wow! Get over here. That’s what I’m talking about. Alright. Let me welcome you officially to the club.

[Don Pauly and Glar walk to each other. Don Pauly leans towards Glar.]

Glar: Hey! Did this guy just try to friggin kiss me?

Nicky: Without consent?

Joey: In a pandemic?

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

Bill Burr Stand-Up Monologue

Bill Burr

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr.

[Bill Burr walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Bill Burr: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Wow, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. I am so excited to be here. I have been doing stand-up forever. And this has always been a life long dream of mine to come here and host Saturday Night Live. So, thank you so much for coming out during these difficult times. You guys all look like surgeons with your masks on. Makes me feel comfortable that you’re wearing masks. I like people who wear masks. That’s good. You’re listening to the egg heads, the people who we all cheated off of in high school, right? Keep listening to them. And then if you don’t wear a mask, that doesn’t bug me either. Right? Take out your grandparents. You know? Take out your weak cousin with the asthma. I don’t care. It’s your decision. There’s too many people. It’s a dream come true. If you’re that dumb and you wanna kill your own family members, by all means, do it. Stops you from reproducing. It’s literally a dream come true. And speaking of dreams come true, did you see Rick Moranis got sucker punched on the Upper West side? New York is back, baby. New York is back. Yes. We lost our edge there for a minute. City started looking like a giant Bed Bath & Beyond, and then bam! Oh, Ricky took one in the chops. It had to happen. It had to happen. That’s what happens when you stick in M&M’s store at Time Square. Alright? The universe has to balance itself. Get the peep show back in Time Square, old people can walk safely 40 blocks away.

I don’t know. I’ll probably get canceled for doing that joke. How stupid is that cancel thing? They’re literally running out of people to cancel. They’re going after dead people now. They’re trying to cancel John Wayne. It’s like, god did that 40 years ago. They’re all up in arms. “Did you hear what he said in that interview in Playboy in 1970? Can you believe that?” It’s like, “Yeah. He was born in 1907. That’s what these people sounded like.” You never talk to your grandparents and brought up the wrong subject? And all of a sudden it went off the rails like, “Oh! Grandma! Just keep making the cookies.” Yeah. You don’t bring up race or religion with your grandparents. You keep it simple. Anyway, I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess my grandparents were older. I don’t know.

Ploughing ahead. Ploughing ahead, let’s talk white women here. Shall we? Let’s talk white women. White women, you’re amazing. Amazing. Your accomplishments over the last few years. I gotta tell you, the way white women somehow hijacked the ‘woke’ movement, generals around the world should be analyzing this. Just to refresh your memory, the ‘woke’ movement was supposed to be about people of color not getting opportunities, things that they deserve, finally making that happen. And it was about that for about 8 seconds. And then somehow white women swung their Gucci booted feet over the fence of oppression and stuck themselves at the front of the line. I don’t know how they did it. I’ve never heard so much complaining in my life from white women. “My life is so hard. Ah! With my SUV in my heated seats. You have no idea what it’s like to be me.” Trashing white guys. The nerve… where’s the camera at? [He looks around for the camera, then he’s pointing at the camera.] The nerve of you white women.

Listen, I don’t want to speak ill of my bitches here, okay? I don’t. But let’s go back in history here, okay? You guys stood by us toxic white males through centuries of our crimes against humanity, you rolled around in the blood money and occasionally when you wanted to sneak off and hook up with a black dude, if you got caught you said it wasn’t consensual. Yeah! That’s what you did. That’s what you did. So, why don’t you shut up, sit down next to me and take your talking to. [applause] Thank you.

So, I haven’t been in New York for about a year. I was here last year. I was shooting a movie. I had a great time with Judd Apatow, Pete Davidson and all the guys. Yeah, had a great time. And I hadn’t been here for like, 13 years and I immediately noticed how extra crowded this city was. And I was getting all claustrophobic. I’m like, “What’s going on? I’m like, “Some people not using safe sex and making all these babies?” So, I finally walked up to this old New York door guy and I was just like, “Dude, what’s going on? What’s with all these people here?” And he was just like, “Oh, no, no. Don’t worry. It’s June. It’s Pride month.” And I’m like, “What’s that?” I’m 52. I never heard of it, right? Didn’t have that when I was a kid. He goes, “It’s gay pride month.”And I was just like, “Oh!” Dude, you know when you’re just like, stuck in the matrix and you just can’t– [keeping his palm very close to his face.] everything’s just pressed up, you can’t see anything. And then somebody gives you that little nugget of information that just pulls it back? Like, “Why is it so crowded?” “It’s gay pride month.” “Oh! Tank tops! 0% body fat. Two guys kissing. Rainbow flags. Oh!” I didn’t know that. That’s what I learned. The month of June is gay pride month. That’s a little long, don’t you think? For a group of people that were never enslaved? How did they get all the June? Dude, black people were actually enslaved, they get February. They get 28 days of overcast weather. Sun goes down at 4 in the afternoon. Everybody’s shivering. Nobody wants to go on the parade. Yeah. How about you hook them up with July? These are equator people. Give them the sun for 31 days. There’s gay black people, they can celebrate from June 1st, July 31st, 61 days of celebrating.

Alright, that’s all my time. We got a great show for you guys everybody. Jack White is here. It’s gonna be amazing. Please stick around, we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Vin Diesel Releases Song

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching an injured puppy try to cross a busy highway, said that the senate would move forward with a vote on Trump’s supreme court nominee even though he denied Obama’s nominee a vote in Michael Che0Colin Jost6. And if that makes you angry at Mitch McConnell, you’re going to be really upset when you find out your anger sexually excites him.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tennessee Titans logo at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: That’s gross. The Tennessee Titans halted in person wokouts after three players tested positive for the coronavirus. Well, I guess we’ve got to cancel the whole season and forget it ever happened, said the New York Jets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says ‘woman arrested for importing bull semen’ at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: This is fun. A Canadian was fined more than $Michael Che5,000 for illegally importing bull semen. Meanwhile, in the US, bull semen is sold legally under the name ‘White Claw’. [Picture changes to three cans of White Claw soda.]

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘New law making boards of directors more diverse’.]

A new law has been passed in California requiring companies to have more diversity in their board of directors, which is how I forced my way on to the board of BET. “BET, there’s gonna be some changes around here.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a lizard at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: The CDC reported that there’s a salmonella outbreak involving people who had pet bearded dragons. So, if you have one at home, remember to cook them all the way through.

[Picture changes to Vin Diesel]

Actor Vin Diesel has released a dance music song called “Feel like I do.” And look, I know a lot of people are making fun of him and saying it’s terrible and he should stick to acting…

[Michael Che looks away]

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is waiting for Michael Che to finish. There’s a picture of Pogo stick at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: A seven year old boy in Pennsylvania set a new world record by bouncing on a pogo stick over Michael Che,000 times in a row. Said the boys parents, “Open the schools!”