Category: 2020

Issa Rae Monologue

Issa Rae

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Issa Rae.

[Issa Rae walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Issa Rae: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. This is incredible. It’s so crazy to be here right now. I cannot believe it that I’m hosting Saturday Night Live, y’all. I can’t believe I just walked down the stairs, the same stairs as the comedy legends like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler and Molly Shannon. Like, my family, all of our inside jokes are from SNL. This is incredible. And actually, I’m so scared right now. I’m scared as hell. I’m not going to lie. I might throw up. But I’m going to hold it down because I’m the first black to host SNL. [cheers and applause] Wait, that’s actually not true. Y’all really clap quick. What if I just kept lying to y’all all night and y’all wouldn’t even notice. But if this show goes bad tonight, just blame it on me, Mary J. Blige. I was actually supposed to host this show back in March when I had two movies and season four of my show ‘Insecure’ coming out. [cheers and applause] Thank you. But now I’m here and there really is no reason. I have nothing going on at all. People keep asking me, “What have you been working on? And I’m like, “Um, puzzles, bitch. I don’t know. What have you been working on, since you all in my business?”

But my show premiered exactly four years ago this month right before the last election. Yes. It was crazy because the results came in and of course everyone was freaking out. I was freaking out. It just felt really awkward from my life to be going so good, like, it was rude for me to be peaking right when democracy was collapsing. It’s just weird to say, “Thank god for what happened in the fall of 2016.”

When I first got a TV show, I thought everything would feel so different, but it really just felt like high school. The show was kind of based on a web series I did back in the day called “The misadventures of an awkward black girl.” You know what it is. Honestly, that’s how I felt all the time. Just awkward and black. I felt like a freshman that first year. And I see all the clicks and the cool girls. I wanted to be friends with them. I even dealt with bullies some times which you guys know as Twitter. Twitter can be so scary. Sometimes, being dragged in social media feels like a low stakes horror movie where when you’re on it, it feels like, [squeaky voice] “Oh my god, ah! They’re coming for me. What am I going to do?” And then your battery dies and then you’re like, “Oh, guess I’ll just go outside.”

Now, I’m in my senior year and I felt like I learned a lot. I learned how to do the “Oh my god, hey.” That’s when you see someone at a Hollywood event and you have four seconds to remember their name, so you buy a little time by starting with, “Oh my god, hey. Look at you.” And if they call me out on it like, “Come on, Issa. You know me.” I just go, “Excuse me. I’m Mary J. Blige, racist.”

But if doing my show for the last four years is like high school, then hosting SNL is my prom and you guys are all my dates. [cheers and applause] And I’m ready to go all the way. We got a great show for you guys. Justin Bieber is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

First Date Exes

Sharon… Issa Rae

Dwayne… Chris Redd

Clifford… Kenan Thompson

Karate man… Pete Davidson

Robot… Bowen Yang

Crystal… Punkie Johnson

Sharon: I guess the waiter forgot to give us menus.

Dwayne: Oh, no. The menu’s on the barcode thing. You just go and take a picture of it and it pops on your phone.

Sharon: Oh. That’s convenient.

Dwayne: Right? I take you haven’t been out on any dates since COVID?

Sharon: Not really. But then, I didn’t really date much before COVID either.

Dwayne: Really? That’s surprising.

Sharon: Yes. I don’t have the best luck with guys. They all end up crazy.

Dwayne: Oh. So, what’s your type?

Sharon: Not you.

Dwayne: Damn!

Sharon: No, no. I didn’t mean it like that. That came out wrong. I meant I don’t usually date guys who take me to fancy places like this. This is really nice.

Dwayne: Oh. Well, I’m happy I could show you something different.

Sharon: Me too.

Dwayne: You know, what’s really good is this crab ravioli. It comes in this cream, right.

[a guy walks in with a roses in his hand. He looks poor.]

Clifford: Sharon?

Sharon: Oh, god.

Clifford: Sharon, that is you, girl.

Sharon: Hey, Clifford.

Clifford: You are looking good. Um. Um. Um. I see you. Got them yams all out. Um-hmm. Toes looking all pretty. Titty meat popping out.

Sharon: Clifford, I’m kind of busy right now.

Clifford: Oh, oh, my bad. I don’t mean to intrude.

Sharon: Well, you are.

Clifford: Okay, okay. Live your life, girl. Live your life. But it is good to see you. Here you go. Um, um, um. [Clifford pours wine on Sharon’s glass] The one that got away.

Sharon: Good bye, Clifford.

Clifford: Oh. Alright. Ay, bro, she is the woman, alright? Don’t mess it up like I did.

Dwayne: Okay.

Clifford: [handing over the rose] Hey, you want to buy this flower?

[Dwayne is reaching over to his wallet]

Sharon: You don’t have to do that. Bye, Clifford.

Clifford: Why you hating on my business? Okay, fine.

Sharon: I am so sorry about that.

Dwayne: No, it’s cool. You know him or something?

Sharon: Yeah, we sort of kind of dated for a while.

Dwayne: Like, when ya’ll were kids?

Sharon: No. We used to work together. Anyway, so the ravioli in the cream sauce?

Dwayne: The what now?

Sharon: The crab ravioli.

Dwayne: Oh, yes.

[a guys wearing a karate gee walks in shouting]

Karate man: I will burn this whole place to the ground. [looks at Sharon] Sharon? You girl?

Sharon: You gotta be kidding. Hey, karate man.

Dwayne: Karate man?

Karate man: Konichiwa, girl. Look at you. Legs all out like pa-dow! Titty meat like Ka-ram!

Dwayne: Yo, my man.

Karate man: Karate man.

Dwayne: Okay, karate man. Do you mind? We on a date right now.

Karate man: A date? So, that’s how you living now, Sharon?

Sharon: Karate man, what do you want from me? You said you wanted your space so I gave it to you.

Karate man: You right, you right. But losing you is my only regret.

Dwayne: You only have one regret?

Karate man: Anyway, I’ll go. I don’t mean to ruin your feng shui.

Sharon: Well, you are.

Karate man: Take care of her, man. [whispering] She likes her butt slapped.

Sharon: I am so sorry. Wow. Two exes on a row. What are the odds?

Dwayne: And he broke up with you?

Sharon: I wish. He just ghosted me. Maybe we should just go inside?

Dwayne: We can’t. They’re like, 2% capacity. Where are you meeting these dudes?

Sharon: Oh. Work, mostly. Look, I don’t want to talk about them. Tell me about you. What do you do?

Dwayne: Well, I just made partner at the law firm I work at. First person.

[Another guy who is fully painted like a statue walks in]

Robot: Is that Sharon?

Sharon: Don’t look.

Dwayne: That’s another one?

Robot: That is Sharon. I see you tryna’ hide from me, girl, acting like that. I’d recognize that titty meat anywhere.

Sharon: Oh, hey, Robot. It’s been a while.

Robot: Remember my dog, Astro? I see you got a little chocolate daddy now, too. I ain’t mad at you, girl.

Dwayne: What the hell did he call me?

Robot: Look, I ain’t got time to flap gums. I’m late for a protest. They’re trying to close down the peep world on 8th avenue. Hey, you using them dinner rolls? I need some carbs.

Sharon: Just take them, Robot.

Robot: Well, I’ll see you around, sugar foot

Dwayne: Okay, tell me you didn’t date him too.

Sharon: No. He was just a work friend. But we’ve had a lot of sex.

Dwayne: Ew. Where the hell do you work?

Sharon: Just around the corner. I told you. I’m an Elsa.

Dwayne: An Elsa?

Sharon: Yes. I’m a Time Square Elsa. First woman of color, by the way.

Dwayne: Okay, you definitely never told me that.

Sharon: Remember? I said I was a princess?

Dwayne: I thought you just meant your dad was rich.

Sharon: Look, I’m sorry if this is all too weird. Maybe I should just leave.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Wait. Look, I’m not going to judge you based off your past. Let’s just forget all that and start over. Deal?

[a very unhygienic looking woman walks in]

Crystal: Dwayne? Is that you, Dwayne?

Dwayne: Oh, hey, Crystal.

Crystal: Who is this bitch?

Dwayne: Are you drunk?

eBay

Female voice: We spend so much on things we need. But what about the things we want?

Chris: I wanna better myself.

Ego: I wanna treat myself.

Heidi: I wanna enjoy myself.

Female voice: The things we buy to invest in our lives.

Ego: Oil paints.

Chris: An instrument to learn.

Heidi: An elliptical.

Female voice: The things that aren’t our to-do list, but about our bucket list.

Heidi: Rosetta Stone Italian.

Ego: An ice cream maker.

Chris: Roller skates.

Female voice: Well’ you’ve been home eight months and you didn’t touch them once. So, now you have to sell them with eBay.

Heidi: I spent $80 on embroidery equipment back in March. But then I just stared at my phone and I looked up and now it’s October.

Ego: I’ve always wanted to cook more. So, I bought a $400 chef’s knife I only use to open my Amazon packages.

Chris: Guitars hurt. No one tells you that. I don’t like feeling hurt.

Female voice: You always wish for more free time so you could get around them. And then you were quarantined. And instead of reading “The Odyssey,” you watched every episode of “Selling Sunset”. So, now you know.

Chris: I thought I wanted to learn how to box to help me connect with my deceased father. Turns out I actually want to lay on the couch and watch women lose their damn minds.

Female voice: So, go ahead and sell that stuff. And not to worry, if you find yourself buying something new on our site, eBay’s making it easier than ever to bail hard with our new service “PreBay”, where we intercept your latest overly optimistic purchase and take it right back before you even open it. Look, you had your chance and all the time in the world. Don’t be shy. If you admit that it’s unused, you’ll make more money. eBay, this commercial doesn’t apply to you if you worked or had kids. Oh, my pasta maker is here.

Dueling Town Halls Cold Open

George Stephanopoulos… Mikey Day

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Nicholas Fetin… Chris Redd

Savannah Guthrie… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Jacklin Lugo… Melissa Villaseñor

Paula Dale… Chloe Fineman

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: On Thursday, Vice President Biden held a town hall, as scheduled, on ABC. At the same time, NBC laid a thirst trap for President Trump. One town hall was a thoughtful, cogent discussion of the issues facing our country. The other featured President Trump. We now present a rebroadcast of those town halls the way most Americans watched them… Flipping back and forth, trying to decide between a Hallmark movie and an alien autopsy. This… is…

[Cut to intro of Dueling Town Halls]

Male voice: … Dueling Town Halls

[Cut to George Stephanopoulos at his set]

George: Good evening. I’m George Stephanopoulos. And the vibe we’re going for tonight is poorly attended college lecture. The folks asking questions are half pro-Biden and half anti-Trump and somehow we’ve put all of them in the last row of the balcony. [Cut to the audience. There are only two of them.] How are you guys up there?

Man: Huh?

Woman: I have vertigo.

George: Great! [Cut to George] And our guest of honor tonight is former vice president and future oatmeal spokesman, Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking in]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Hello, Philadelphians. It’s great to be here. Hey, is that Bobby Clark of the 1974-75 flyers? [Joe Biden walks to the audience side]

George: Mr. Vice President, please don’t wander into the audience to greet people.

Joe Biden: Sorry. [Joe Biden is very close to the camera] I’m just so excited to talk to America with real life Americans. Hey, George, check it out. [starts dancing] That’s dance for the kids on TikTok.

George: Okay, Joe. Let’s focus. Now, are you ready for softball questions for folks who are already voting for you?

Joe Biden: You bet your short pants I am. This is going to be exciting, George. I’ve given every audience member a glass of warm milk and a blanket. Who’s ready to have fun with facts and figures?

[There’s a guy in the audience holding a glass of milk]

George: Alright. First question is from Nicholas Fetin and he’s a democrat.

Nicholas: Mr. Vice President, how would your response to COVID differ from horrible one of President Trump who I hate?

George: Okay, let’s limit how many times you outright say you hate President Trump during your questions. Mr. Vice President, go ahead.

Joe Biden: Okay. Now, Nicholas, where the hell are you?

Nicholas: I’m up here. Go ahead.

Joe Biden: Hey, yes. Here’s the deal. Unlike the president, I actually have a plan.

Nicholas: Okay, great. What is it?

Joe Biden: A plan? It’s a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something.

Nicholas: No, no. I mean what’s your plan?

Joe Biden: Oh, right, right. Well, let me start with a story mixed with a complicated math problem. If you have 3 million doses of vaccine and the vaccine leaves Chicago at 10 AM, what time would it arrive in Washington, and please show your work.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Savannah in her set]

Savannah: Good evening America. I’m am surprised badass Savannah Guthrie. And if you are angry at NBC for doing this Town Hall, just let me get a few questions in and I think you’ll thank me. Joining me tonight is President Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you Saran Getti. It’s great to be here. Even though, woman.

Savannah: We have lots of voters waiting to ask questions, but I’d like to start by tearing you a new one. Why won’t you condemn white supremacy?

Donald Trump: I do. I do condemn and I have always more or less condemned it.

Savannah: What about QAnon?

Donald Trump: You mean the group that thinks democrats are a cabal of satan-worshipping pedophiles, and I’m their messiah? I don’t know anything about them at all. No.

Savannah: Yes, you do, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Well, I do know that they’re against pedophilia and I agree with that. If anyone’s against pedophiles, it’s me, the man who was close personal friends with one of the most famous pedophiles on earth. Russian power, Jeffrey.

Savannah: Okay. What about the Aryan Brotherhood?

Donald Trump: They’re very pro family. That’s all I know.

Savannah: KKK?

Donald Trump: The car breaks down, you call triple-K.

Savannah: Okay. Mr. President, just last week you tweeted that Osama Bin Laden is still alive.

Donald Trump: I didn’t tweet it. It was a retweet which is short for really smart tweet.

Savannah: Okay. But you can’t just do things like that. You’re not just someone’s crazy uncle.

Donald Trump: Really? Because this conversation we’re having right now was a preview of thanks giving dinner and a lot of American households are crazy uncles. Stand back and standby.

[changing channel]

[Cut back to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: And that brings us to George9Savannah9. A year when I went to the world’s fair and met the ream Mickey Mouse. Does that answer your question? If you want to find me after the Town Hall, we can talk some more.

Nicholas: Some more?

[changing channel]

Savannah: So, just to be clear, when was the last time you tested negative.

Donald Trump: There were so many tests, Santana. I get tested all the time.

Savannah: Okay, for COVID.

Donald Trump: There were so many COVIDs, Savannah. COVID-GeorgeJoe Biden, COVID-GeorgeDonald Trump.

Savannah: Were you tested for COVID-George9 on the day of the debate?

Donald Trump: There have been so many debates, Savannah.

Savannah: There was one f-ing debate. Now, do you have any remaining symptoms of COVID?

Donald Trump: No. Not at all. I’m doing great. My doctors said my lung is beautiful. I have one beautiful lung now. It’s turned basically into glass, so it’s very strong.

Savannah: And you didn’t have pneumonia?

Donald Trump: I had a small fever. It was around 100… celcius, but I did great. I never died, never saw hell or the devil. He never showed me a list of my sins. I was just alive and strong the whole time.

Savannah: Okay, I’m done with my initial prostate exam. Our first question tonight is from Jacklin Lugo.

Jacklin: Hello, Mr. President. [Spanish language]

Donald Trump: No, no. Different person.

Savannah: Okay. Let’s go to our next question from Paula Dale and I’m told she’s horny.

Paula: Um, yes. Greetings Mr. President. I have to say you have a great smile. He does. You’re so handsome when you smile.

Donald Trump: Thank you.

Paula: Can you give us a little more smile? There’s so much to smile about right now. [Donald Trump is smiling] Let me see those gorgeous chompers. [Donald Trump can’t stop smiling] There we go, so beautiful. Now, my question is about immigration. [Donald Trump suddenly makes angry expression] My parents were both immigrants, so I want to know what you’ll do with the so called ‘dreamers.’

Donald Trump: Where did you parents immigrate from?

Paula: Mexico. I’m kidding. They came from Mrs. Maisel-Vania.

[changing channel]

Joe Biden: And that’s why you have to do something. You can make a difference. You can save this country.

George: Joe, who are you talking to?

Joe Biden: I’m talking to God, George. Father, son, holy, ghost, you’re the team we love the most.

[changing channel]

Donald Trump: And that’s why– that’s why we’re going to have a v-shaped recovery, a deep V, rippling pecs and a toned eight packs, swimmer’s body basically like I have after COVID and it’s going to be beautiful.

Savannah: The question was why won’t you releases your taxes?

Donald Trump: That’s simple because I don’t want to go to jail. Thank you.

Savannah: Our next question is from a pro live millennial, so, yikes, good luck.

Woman: My question is did you nominate judge Barrett to strike down Roe V. Wade? Because that would be pretty chill of you TBH.

[There’s a black woman behind Donald Trump nodding her head yes.]

Donald Trump: That’s a beautiful question. Thank you. I didn’t tell Amy– I didn’t tell Amy Conan O’Brian to vote any way on any issue. Some people, some very brilliant legal minds say that Roe V. Wade should be overturned and burned in a trashcan like Antifa is burning all of my ballots because everyone knows that radical left are trying to seal this election. They’re taking down statues which are full of Trump votes. That’s where people place their votes. It’s in the statues and the Antifa is stealing them and changing them Trump to Kathy Griffin–

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Okay. [cheers and applause] I’m sorry. This is the last place I want to be. But somebody has to ask, what the happening with that woman? Because I only nod that much when a waiter asks if I’ll be having mimosas at brunch. So, either that’s Candace Owens in a wig or baby girl answered the wrong craigslist ad. Are you okay miss? [the woman is shaking her head no] Just blink twice if you’re being held hostage. [the woman is just shaking her head] Oh, oh, you’re listening to music on tiny headphones? I’m genuinely trying to understand what is happening. Because if you’re not a plant, then I am deeply, deeply concerned for you.

Donald Trump: She is probably just upset that I didn’t win the Nobel Prize. [the woman starts honking the blow air horn.]

Kamala Harris: I need to get out of here because this is some spooky ass Jordan Peele nonsense. [The woman now has a message sign “Call Me, Fox News!”] I just hope Joe’s Town Hall is more inspiring than this.

[changing channel]

Joe Biden: [soothing music playing on background] Let’s make the most of this beautiful day. Since we’re together, we might as well say.

[singing with the audience] Would you be mine, could you be mine
won’t you be my neighbors?

What do you say? Will you be my neighbors, George?

George: What? I’m sorry, I’m watching the Trump one. They’re really going at it.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Savannah trying to wrestle on the stage]

Male voice: [rock music playing on background] And now, Savannah is telling him there’s another question. But oh, no, it was just a distraction. Savannah has a folding chair [Savannah gets a chair and hits Donald Trump] from the audience and Trump doesn’t see it. Oh, the humanity.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Joe Biden wearing a wig and painting a landscape]

Joe Biden: And you see, each tree has it’s own personality. Just like America. Does that answer your question, Justin?

Justin: If I say yes, can I sit down?

Joe Biden: You bet, you buckaroo.

Justin: Both of my legs are sleeping.

George: Well, Mr. Vice President, I believe we are about out of time, so I’m going to ask you for your closing statement.

Joe Biden: George, we have to restore sanity to the nation. If elected, I promise I won’t tweet once because I don’t know how. And I’ll have exactly one scandal. I will mistake Angela Merkel for my wife from behind and tell her she’s got a rocking caboose. There’s no malice in that. That’s it.

[changing channel]

Donald Trump: In conclusion, there’s only one question that matters. Just ask yourselves, America, aren’t you better off than you were four years ago?

[Cut to the map of America saying “No”]

[Cut back to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: All right, then just try and take me alive.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Dancer

Issa Rae

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Issa Rae looking at her phone in SNL hall way. Kyle Mooney walks to her.]

Kyle: Hey, Issa.

Issa: Hi, Kyle, what’s up?

Kyle: Um, just hanging there. [Kyle just starts dancing.] How has the week been?

Issa: Um, what are you doing?

Kyle: Nothing. Just chilling. [Kyle starts dancing again]

Issa: Seems like you’re dancing pretty hard over there.

Kyle: Really? Hmm. Not that I’ve noticed that. [starts dancing again.]

Issa: Stop. Is this just because Justin Bieber is here?

Kyle: Justin?

[Cut to Justin Bieber’s practice sessions where Kyle is dancing at the backstage.]

Oh! Yeah, Justin Bieber. The kid singer or whatever?

Issa: Wait, did you think that if I saw you dancing, I would be so blown away that I’d tell him about it?

Kyle: No. [Issa looks at Kyle funnily] Yes.

Issa: What? I’m the host. I don’t recommend dancers.

Kyle: Um-hmm. Got it. [starts singing and dancing]

Issa: Stop. I’m not going to let you do Aretha like that. Look, even if you were a backup dancer, he’s not into something like that. Coz he’s more into something like this. [Now Issa starts singing and dancing]

Kyle: Wow. You dance well.

Issa: Well, just a little something.

[Kyle and Issa start staring at each other in a challenging way.]

[Music video starts. Issa and Kyle are wearing black leather outfits.]

[music playing]

Issa and Kyle: [singing] Funk jam in the future
funk jam to survive

[Cut back to Issa and Kyle in the hallway. They’re dancing. Chance the Rapper walks to them.]

Kyle: Oh, Mr. Rapper the Chance.

Issa: We were just–

Kyle: Rehearsing them all up.

Issa: Yeah. You might know me from my show “Insecure”.

Kyle: Yes. I really like that.

Issa: Thank you.

Chance the Rapper: Cool. Could you guys let Justin know that I came by?

Issa: Oh. Aren’t you performing with him?

Chance the Rapper: Yeah. But he doesn’t know I can do this. [he starts singing and dancing, but unlike Issa and Kyle, he is dancing really well.]

[Chance the Rapper leaves]

Issa: We have no chance against Chance.

Kyle: Well, but if we combine forces.

Issa: Yeah, what was that thing you did earlier?

Kyle: It was that “Gotta bring that funk with it.

Issa: Yeah!
[A man walks to them]

Man: Mr. Mooney, I have your covid results. You’re positive. [Issa walks back] Yeah, so you have to leave.

Kyle: Right. “Get down with it.”

Man: No. You have to leave now.

Kyle: Hey Issa, “What you want?”

Issa: Hey, you gotta go, man.

Kyle: Right. Bring it in? [trying to hug Issa]

Issa: Not gonna do that.

Kyle: Okay.

Man: Okay, here’s your stuff. Please leave, sir.

Kyle: Well, what can I say? My life is random.

Man: Okay, don’t talk to the camera.

Kyle: Sorry about that.

Canadian News Show

Jean-Lawrence… Bowen Yang

Anne-Marie.. Kate McKinnon

Fred… Mikey Day

Awa-Sene… Issa Rae

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching CBC, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. At nine, it’s “Schitt’s Creek” followed by the Shitt’s Creek reboot “Schartt’s Cavern”. But right now, you’re watching “Bonjour Hi!”

[Cut to Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie in their set.]

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Welcome to “Bonjour Hi”, the French Canadian morning news show live from Montreal, Montreal- the best parts of Canada and the worst parts of France. My name is Zoro Halls or John Larry. And as always, I’m joined by my beautiful cohost, Annagi.

Anne-Marie: Bonjour Jone.

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Now we do the bouncer. How was your weekend?

Anne-Marie: Well, I suffered an injury and I made love to a surf suley performer. I choke on the big scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: You’re always doing this.

Anne-Marie: Wait, but I went for surgery which was free, of course, and so is my new scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: Pretty. And today, we have with us our colleague from the south. He’s an American journalist quarantined in Canada because of covid, please welcome from Michigan, Jean-Fred.

Fred: Merci for having me. My name is actually Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Go ahead, I said Jean-Fred.

Fred: No. Just Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Please welcome Jean-Fred Desjardins.

Fred: Okay.

Jean-Lawrence: Let’s begin today’s update. Bar limits has proposed their controversial resolution for guaranteed universal basic income, but is this just an empty welfare promise? Anne-Marie, your update.

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie speaking in foreign language]

Jean-Lawrence: Jean-Fred, your thoughts?

Fred: Yes, or no. I’m sorry, I don’t speak whatever French this is.

Jean-Lawrence: [speaking in bad accent] Now, this time for our weekly segment with our Toronto correspondent, Awa-Sene. Awa-Sene, bonjour hi.

Awa-Sene: Bonjour hi. I am Awa-Sene and this is Drake Watch.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes. Our favorite part of the show where we find out if you saw Drake.

Anne-Marie: So, Awa, did you see Barack today?

Awa-Sene: No. This has been Drake Watch.

Fred: I’m sorry. That’s it? That’s the whole segment?

Awa-Sene: Oh, well, I thought I saw Drake but it was just my friend Aten. Aten looks a lot like Drake. And I was confused because he was crying in a basketball court.

Anne-Marie: Did you check anywhere else for Drake?

Awa-Sene: Yes. I almost found him this morning when I saw a man in a wheelchair. But then I remember Drake was only in wheelchair for potential [unintelligible]. So, it was not him.

Anne-Marie: Okay. Merci, Awa. Please keep us post if you see Drake.

Awa-Sene: Of course. This has been Drake Watch. [looking around using binoculars] Yoo-hoo. Drake?

Jean-Lawrence: What an exciting segment. Jean-Fred, do you like Drake?

Fred: I don’t know. I mean, he has kind of fallen off recently. .

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred]

Anne-Marie: Jean-Host, do not blow your guest, please.

Fred: How is this a news show?

Jean-Lawrence: And now it’s time for the traffic report.

Anne-Marie: Oh! [puts a cigarette in her mouth] Today I was driving to work in my Pugeot [unintelligible] bridge. I took a left on [unintelligible] and then I parked in [unintelligible] parking garage and traffic was bad.

Jean-Lawrence: Great traffic report.

Fred: You can smoke in the studio?

Jean-Lawrence: Oh, here another, we have a breaking news story and we must start right away.

[Cut back to Awa-Sene]

Awa-Sene: Bonjour Hi, I am at the top of the [unintelligible] tower with a dramatic development in the search for Drake.

Anne-Marie: Oh, Drake is there?

Awa-Sene: No, Drake is not here.

Fred: Then why are you there?

Awa-Sene: Oh, as you can see on the cover of his famous album ‘Views’, Drake [unintelligible] in this very location. So, I thought I should check. But [unintelligible]

Fred: And that’s breaking news?

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred again]

Awa-Sene: It is okay. I will continue to follow the [unintelligible] of Drake. I am like famous Canadian actress Rachel McAdams in the film “Spotlight.”

Jean-Lawrence: Rachel McAdams, a beautiful girl.

Anne-Marie: Beautiful girl.

[music playing]

Jean-Lawrence: Ah! We are almost out of time. Thank you to Jean-Fred. Please accept our gift of famous Moguel big weird bagels.

Fred: Oh, okay. These are bagels? Why is everything 25% different here?

Anne-Marie: We say it taste better with the big hole.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes, lick the cream out of the big hole. Since I’m young, I eat the big while hole this wya.

Awa-Sene: Jean-Fred, stick your face, go down on the big hole.

[Fred licks the food]

Fred: I regret doing that on camera.

Jean-Lawrence: Well, it is time to say bye to “Bonjour Hi”. We’re set to go but–

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie walks front]

Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie: That’s the way it is.

[singing] Don’t give up on your faith
and that’s the way

5-hour empathy

[Starts with Beck in his home speaking to camera]

Beck: All these protests and civil unrest. It’s clear that people are hurting. But how can I help when I don’t even understand what some people in this country go through everyday. I wish there were an easier way.

Male voice: Well, now there is. [There’s a small bottle in front of Beck] With new 5 Hour Empathy.

Beck: 5 Hour Empathy? What’s that?

Male voice: From the makers of 5 Hour Energy comes with brand new formula that provides 5 full hours of complete intimate understanding of years of systemic oppression and ever present racism.

Beck: Wow, all that in one little bottle?

Male voice: That’s right.

Beck: That’s great. [Beck looks at the bottle and puts it on the table]

Male voice: So, are you going to try it?

Beck: Try what? The stuff?

Male voice: Yes. The stuff I just told you about.

Beck: You know it. I mean, yes.

Male voice: Well, do you want to do that now? You did say you wanted to understand what was making people so upset.

Beck: I do. Did you say it lasts 5 hours?

Male voice: That’s right.

Beck: Oh, yes. I can’t. I–

Male voice: You’re not scared, are you?

Beck: Scared? No. Alright. [he opens the bottle and drinks all of it.] Oh, wow. I get it now. I need to do better.

Male voice: The cap is still on.

Beck: Come on, man. I’m not a racist. I already vote Biden. What more do you want?

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Honey, what’s wrong? Are too many NFL players kneeling again?

Beck: What? No. I wish more would. Look, here, she’ll take it.

Wife: Oh, no. I don’t need that because I’m a woman. That’s the same.

Male voice: She said what?

Beck: Hey, man. We get it. We’re good here. They fired uncle Ben. Everything’s fine. Now, get out of my house.

Male voice: Or what? You’re going to call the police?

Beck: Oh, you’re trying to– I’m not going to. Okay. Fine. I’ll take it.

Male voice: Great. Do it.

[he throws the bottle away and jumps out of the window]

Beck: I’m sorry.

Male voice: That makes sense.

Female voice: 5 Hour Empathy, throw when you just don’t get it.

Weekend Update Trump Leaves the Hospital

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a calendar marking second week of October at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week was mental illness awareness week and trust me, we’re aware. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Present and active bio-weapon Donald Trump took his doctors hostage and broke out of the hospital like Sarah Conor in Terminator II. And I guess he must have been in a Coma and thought that year was 2016 because he started demanding Hillary’s emails and for the feds to arrest Obama. And then he released series of odd videos from the White House that started like this.

[Cut to a video of Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Perhaps you recognized me. It’s your favorite president.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Actually, I barely recognize you because your make up artist seems to have given you the Dolezal. And also, why does it look like there’s a green screen behind you? It’s a little suspicious when you green screen yourself into the place where you already are. It looks like you’re shooting a commercial for Staten Island wedding venue. “Make all your romantic dreams come true at the White House. Wanna do a big ass wedding with no masks? The White House.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump claimed to have survived the coronavirus. [disappointed] Yay. I’m not gonna say I’m disappointed, but it kind of feels like when there’s a car crash and the only survivor is the drunk driver. Trump said him getting covid was “a blessing” from god and I bet even god was like, “Hey, we tried, guys.” Actually, maybe we should be more optimistic about this. I mean there’s two ways we can look at it. Either Trump’s telling the truth and we finally have a cure for covid. Or Trump is lying and he’s still gonna die. I’m not gonna say that’s a win-win but it’s definitely not a lose-lose. No?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I also have to say it’s amazing to watch a guy have a near death experience and learn nothing from it. It’s like watching someone smoke through the hole in their neck. In fact, Trump is now trying to convince Americans that covid actually makes you stronger and that it made him feel better than he did 20 years ago. So he went from ‘covid is a hoax’ to ‘covid will disappear one day like a miracle’ and now he’s like ‘actually, covid is the miracle and it was inside of us all along.’ But hey, if getting covid is good, then his supporters are in luck because this was him in a rally last week when he had corona.

[Cut to Donald Trump throwing off hats at his rally.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Come on, look at him. He’s like an evil Oprah. [Cut to Donald Trump throwing off hats at his rally.] You’re getting covid. You’re getting covid. You’re getting covid. [Cut to Colin Jost] And look under your seats, it’s a ventilator.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was a dark show. President Trump said that  therapeutic drug from Regeneron which is derived from stem cells is a cure for covid, which seems unlikely unfounded irresponsible and I can’t wait to buy thousand shares of Regeneron baby juice stock. I call it baby juice. It’s kind of funny that these old republicans are so anti-abortion when it comes to everybody else, but then they do a complete 180 as soon as stem cells can save their lives or when I get their daughter pregnant.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on J.K. Rowling’s Transphobic Comments

Colin Jost

Pate Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, over the summer, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling was wildly criticized for comments that were perceived as transphobic. With more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Alright. Thanks, Colin. Thank you so much. I just learned it’s mental illness awareness week. So, I wanted to make everyone aware, we out here and we crazy. Go Giants! Season starts tomorrow.

Colin Jost: Yeah. This is Giant’s year. Everyone says it. So, what do you think about this J.K. Rowling controversy?

Pete Davidson: Um, I think I’m never getting another tattoo for the rest of my life. Don’t get tattoos. I got a Harry Potter tattoo years ago coz I’m not psychic. I didn’t know J.K. Rowling was gonna go all Mel Gibson on us. I have a Game of Thrones tattoo. Now, I’m terrified one day George R.R. Martin’s just gonna be like, “Hey, if you enjoy what I had to say about dragons and dire wolves, wait till you hear what I hear about Puerto Ricans.” I also have Winnie the Poo tattoo. Am I gonna have to find out he was diddling piglet the whole time? This is madness. It’s crazy times we live in. It’s not fair.

Colin Jost: Now, how did you feel when you first heard that Rowling said something transphobic?

Pete Davidson: It really hurt. Because I have a close connection to those movies. I even look like Dobby the house elf if he became a TikTok rapper. That wasn’t very nice. It is scarily accurate. But the only difference between me and Dobby is I am a real person and his movies get released in Theaters.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you found what J.K. Rowling said disappointing.

Pete Davidson: Very disappointing. Yeah. I long for a few years ago where the worst thing she ever did were those ‘Fantastic Beasts’ movies. No discrimination there. Those films harmed us all equally. I mean, what’s wrong with her, Colin? She creates a seven book fantasy series about all types of mythical creatures living in harmony with wizards and elves, and the one thing she can’t wrap her head around is Laverne Cox? She’s a national treasure.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Did you find what J.K. said surprising then?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, at first. But then I started thinking about the ‘fantastical world’ she created. The woods are controlled by centaurs. The schools are run by wizards and ghosts. But who controls the banks? Jews, obviously. Little giant nose Jew goblins. And I could say that because as you can see, I’m half goblin. I mean, come on, if this isn’t Jews run the banks reference, why do they all look exactly like Alan Dershowitz? The Dersh! You can Dersh, Dersh! I’m having fun.

Colin Jost: I’m having fun tonight. So, Pete, will you stop reading the books?

Pete Davidson: I never read any of the books and I saw part of ‘Azkaban’ on the plane once.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Hey. Vote for Biden.

Weekend Update Dr. Wenowdis on Trump’s Televised Health Exam

Colin Jost

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last night, president Trump received a medical evaluation on FOX News. Here to give his second opinion is Weekend Update’s resident medical expert, Dr. Wayne Wenowdis.

[Dr. Wayne Wenowdis slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Hello. Hello.

Colin Jost: Hello, Dr. Wayne Wenowdis. We know you’re highly respected in your field.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes, we know this.

Colin Jost: And thank you for helping us make sense of this because having a televised medical exam is highly unusual.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We do know this.

Colin Jost: Right. And on FOX, Trump answered some questions from a doctor.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We know this.

Colin Jost: But he still won’t say if he’s had a negative test yet.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: This, we do not know this.

Colin Jost: So, he might technically still be contageous?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We know this.

Colin Jost: But he feels so good, he said, “I may be immune.”

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: [puts his feet on the table] What is this?

Colin Jost: And now, he’s holding rallies.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yeah, who does this? He do this. We know this. We hate this. He do this. We know this.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, Dr. Wenowdis.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes.

Colin Jost: Are you saying “We know this”? Or are you just saying your last name?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh! Okay. ‘Wenowdis’ is Greek. In English, it translates to “We know this.” Like “We’re aware of this.”

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. I think I got it. Alright. So, is there a risk of Trump infecting more people now that he’s gone back to the White House?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um-hmm. It’s very complicated. How can I say this so you can get it? A room have air, right? We know this. Everybody have a nose. We know this. Everybody’s face, it have a hole. Everybody get the virus. [bangs the table] We know this. Okay.

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. We know this. Yeah. Now, Trump did say he’s gonna give the covid drug he got to everyone who needs it for free. Is that possible or true?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: No.

Colin Jost: I thought you were gonna say a little bit more. [Dr. Wayne Wenowdis shakes his fingers gesturing no] Okay. Alright. Well, Trump is clearly itching to get back on the campaign trail and I’m just wondering, now he’s planning to hold a rally in Florida on Monday, is it safe for him to go to Florida?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, this, we don’t know this.

Colin Jost: Right. Right. Because he still might be contageous?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: No. Just coz Florida seems like a freaky place.

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, thank you very much for stopping by, Dr. Wenowdis.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, no, no, no. While I’m here, I’ll have to give you an exam.

Colin Jost: That’s okay.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: I gotta take your blood pressure

Colin Jost: That’s okay, doctor. I’m in amazing shape.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We know this. But we’re gonna do it anyway.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Okay.

[Dr. Wayne Wenowdis puts the blood pressure measurer on Colin Jost.]

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Blood pressure. [Dr. Wayne Wenowdis presses the air blower of the measurer. But it makes the squeak toy noise.] Blood pressure. [Dr. Wayne Wenowdis puts the measurer on Colin Jost’s neck.] Blood pressure. Blood pressure.

Colin Jost: Kate, Kate. Are you okay?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: I’m obviously not.

Colin Jost: What is going on?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: I’m sorry. It’s such a crazy time. And this is something I started doing to cope. I have a lot of wigs and mustaches at my disposal. And it’s a nice way to escape. It’s refreshing to play a character who know this.

Colin Jost: Oh god. Okay.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: It’s like, I mean, who will win the election. We don’t know this. When will the pandemic end, this, we don’t know this. What will happen to the world, we do not know this. But Colin, [squeak toy noise] the one thing that we do know is that– No, we don’t know this.

Colin Jost: Well, listen. I know that it is very stressful. I know this is very hard right now. And I know that a lot of people are being very resilient about it. So, I know even though it doesn’t seem good, don’t worry, we can figure this out, we can do this.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We can do what?

Colin Jost: We can do this.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We know this. We know this.

Colin Jost: Dr. Wayne Wenowdis, everyone.