Category: 2022

Chain Gang

Tommy… Benedict Cumberbatch

Warden… Alex Moffat

Lenny… Kyle Mooney

Mary… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with four men working in prison]

Chris: Lord, it’s hot.

Kenan: Georgia July is hotter than a blister bug in a pepper patch.

James: And don’t the warden know it?

Warden: Alright boys, back to work now. These rocks, they ain’t gonna break themselves. And get happy now. I want to see some smiles.

[music playing]

Chris: I was born on a farm on a moonless night
mama never taught me wrong from right
now I’m doing time in Georgia

All: Now I’m doing time in Georgia 

Chris: Long time in Georgia

All: Long time in Georgia

Chris: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

All: Lord sets me free, yeah.

James: Now the good book said be a righteous man
but the devil pulled me down and away we ran
So they locked me up in town

All: Locked me up in town

James: Working for the county

All: Working for the county

James: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

Take it Tommy.

Tommy: If you see something bad, you know I’m gonna tell
that’s why they put me in a better prison cell
because I snitch to the warden

All: Snitch to the warden

Tommy: Snitching to the warden

All: Snitching to the warden

Tommy: Oh, lord, prison’s not so bad.

James: Wait, Tom, did you just say you were snitching to the warden?

Tommy: Yeah, that’s the way the old prison song goes.

Kenan: Nope.

Chris: You getting special treatment here, Tom?

Tommy: No, just singing to pass the time. Whoo-wee, it’s hot. [pulls out a fancy drink]

Chris: Where did you get that fancy drink?

Tommy: You fellas didn’t get one?

Kenan: I did not.

[dogs barking]

James: Hey, what’s going on?

Chris: Oh, hell, they caught Lenny!

Warden: Well, well, well. Look who we found hiding in the storm drain down by the highway.

Lenny: But it’s impossible. How did you find me?

Mikey: Let’s just say a little birdie told us your plan. On an unrelated note. Tom, here is a cherry pie.

Tommy: Cherry pie? Mmm-mmm.

Warden: And as for you, Lenny, you know what we do with escapees. But them in the box!

Lenny: No. No, no.

Kenan: You animals. You lousy animals.

James: He’s a good man. Don’t put him in the box.

Tommy: Okay, just put them in the box for a couple of days. You guys know best.

Warden:  All right, show’s over now boys. Now, unless you got a pie in your hands, get back to work.

Kenan: When I dream at night, that’s the only time I’m free
I wake up every morning in a penitentiary
Now I’m doing 10 to 20

All: Doing 10 to 20.

Kenan: Working for the county

All: Working for the county

Kenan: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

All: Lord sets me free

Tommy: If you tell me a secret I’ll pass them along
You’ll be in the box while I’m singing this song
made a deal with the warden

All: Deal with the warden

Tommy: I’ll tell him all your secrets

All: Tell him all your secrets

Tommy: Every time I snitch they bring me a big cherry pie

Kenan: Shh, here comes the warden’s wife.

James: Ma’am.

Kenan: Ma’am.

Chris: Ma’am.

Tommy: Ma’am.

Warden: Wow, if it isn’t my lovely wife, Mary. What do you do in here woman?

Mary: Oh, I was just passing by my way into town. Figured I take a gander at all these bad, bad boys. This one looks especially naughty. Are you naughty boy?

Tommy: Yes ma’am. Very naughty ma’am.

Mary: Looks like you missed a bit of cherry pie.

Tommy: Thank you kindly. It’s not like me to waste a good bit of cherry pie.

[Mary laughing and flirting with Tommy]

Chris: What the hell?

Warden: Alright, Mary. I know you got some shopping to do.

Mary: Bye boys. See you later.

Warden: Well, that’s enough yapping for one day. Back to work all of you.

Tommy: Now, I can’t complain about my life
I get to sleep with the warden’s wife

sleeping with the warden’s wife

All: Sleeping with the warden’s wife

Tommy: Sleeping with his pretty wife

All: Sleeping with his pretty wife

Warden: He watches from the closet smiling in the dark

Mikey: Warden, I do believe Tom is sleeping with your wife.

Warden: Yeah, I know. I can’t please her myself. Best to let her be happy.

All: Let her be happy, let her be happy
Let her be happy, let her be happy

Blue Bunny

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Jacob… Jacob Thompson

Lisa… Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby… Heidi Gardner

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with Ego and Mikey starting the focus group conversation.]

Ego: Okay cutie pies, we’re ready to get started.

Mikey: Well, it’ll be a little more flirtatious of an intro than we need but it’s all good. Hi gang. Thanks for coming out to this focus group.

Ego: We are from Blue Bunny ice cream and we’ve got some new products that we’d love your feedback on.

Keman: Like bomb pops?

Ego:  No, sir. No bomb pops today.

Lisa: Oh, I love bomb pops

Mikey: Again no B pops, but I do think you’ll find our other treats, the ice cream of the crop.

Ben: No offense, but I signed up to try ice cream. Not to hear jokes about it. Can we get to taste it?

Mikey: Okay, I’m sorry.

Bobby: Hey, those two are just trying to do their jobs. They gotta tell a joke or two, let them. It’s their dance, not yours.

Ego: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you two know each other?

Ben: No, ma’am. Just here to try some ice cream, get my check and be on my way.

Bobby: Same here. Same here. Came in a stranger, I’ll leave one as well.

Mikey: Okay, very fun. Well, the first flavor we’re going to try today is peanut brittle pie ice cream. [Ego passes ice cream to the others] So give those a try. And Jacob, how about you go first? What do you think?

Jacob: Oh wow, this delicious.

Ego: Great. Okay, what about you Lisa?

Lisa: Tastes a little wet but yummy.

Ego: Noted at. Bobby what do you think?

Bobby: You know what this tastes like? You remember when you were a kid and you’d be out playing in all the dirty buckets like a hog? And Pappy’d call you to wash up because nana spent the last three hours churning? That woman would churn till she whipped. The blood from her palms, legs in the caramel ribbons of the ice cream. This is that. This tastes like that.

Ego: Okay, thank you. Very descriptive.

Ben: You’re trying to make a grown man weak, miss?

Bobby: No, I’m just eating ice cream, sir.

Ego: Okay, what about you mutton? What do you think of the peanut brittle pie?

Ben: How do I say this? Remember when you’d be down by the pond all day with your hands cut? Trying to catch just one stupid little tadpole? It mean nothing today but back then, hell, that tad was king crab. And then Scooter’s mama, the one with a pretty teeth and eyes like butter, would invite you inside for a whole bowl rocky road. Didn’t matter the flavor though. It was just beautiful mature woman had opened her door to you, arms wide, bosom heavy. This is that. This tastes like that.

Mikey: Okay, so it tastes like Scooter’s mama. Writing that down?

Bobby: You’re seeing things, haven’t you?

Ben: Hah! Only ice cream, miss.

Jacob: Hey, I just taste ice cream. Am I doing this wrong?

Mikey: No. Yeah, guys, we’re not really looking to taste memories of the dustbowl here.

Bobby: Your ice cream carries a weight to it, sir.

Ben: She’s right, I can taste generations of women in it.

Mikey: Okay, I will not be writing that down.

Ego: How about this one? Galactic mint frost. [Ego passes another ice cream to all] Why don’t you guys give that one a taste?

Mikey:  Yeah, Bobby? You tasting that fresh mint in there?

Bobby: No. Taste more like wind. But like the wind when you hadn’t quite reached five feet tall. When back then would knock you right into the neighbor. The one that had lost his wife and daughter in the hospital fire. And in your eyes, he saw em’ both. So you’d sit with him on his porch, watch the world go by. Right as the sun went down, he’d hand you a bowl of cream. Just vanilla, though. He kept it simple since the girls has died. This is that. This tastes like that.

Ego: Got it. So it tastes like a widower in pain.

Ben: Who hurt you?

Ego: Why? You’re looking to save someone tonight?

Ben: Maybe.

Ego: Eat your ice cream.

Mikey: I’m sorry, what is happening?

Ben: I know what I taste?

Ego: Yes≤ but in, like, six words this time.

Ben: Fine. Remember 4th of July.

Mikey: Okay, please stop.

Ben: The air was so thick with smoke, you could barely find your little brother’s hand. Daddy let you both stay out late as long as you kept your little brother close. Never did find him. Walked home alone, went straight to the icebox, scooped out some chocolate chip. Nothing too fancy on the night brother disappeared. This is that. This tastes like that.

Bobby: Dammit! I can’t take your pain away, but I can sure give it a bed to rest in. Let let me nap with your hurt.

Ben: You want a nap with my hurt

Bobby: I said as much. Let me nap with your hurt.

Ben: Go saying something like that and you might just end up taking a nap with my hurt.

Mikey: All right. Well, thanks for coming out everybody.

[Ben and Bobby walk up to and hold each other]

Ben: Hear me now. I will always come for you.

Bobby: What took you so long?

[Cut to their picture holding each other]

Male voice: Blue bunny ice cream, let me nap with your hurt.

 

Benedict Cumberbatch Monologue

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch.

[Benedict Cumberbatch walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. I am thrilled to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. It’s been a really fun, great week. I’ve got to be honest, though, because most of the sketch writers this week, they pitch me sketches every day and most were about Dr. Strange. [cheers and applause] It’s great. I love the guy. I love playing the character. The film is doing really well. But I have been in other films and no one said to me, “Like what?” And I said well, the power of the dog for example. And he said, “Nobody saw it.” I said “Come on, man. I was nominated for an Oscar for that.” I mean, I didn’t win. I was beat by Will Smith. Not physically, not physically.

I’m really honestly very honored to be hosting the Mother’s Day SNL show. And of course, I want to wish a very special Happy Mother’s Day to my mum. She’s actually on holiday in Greece at the moment. And SNL offered to fly her here, first class, and she said “No, I’m on a beach in Greece. Are you insane?” I love you mom.

When I was younger we use these weird funny names that we used to call each other. I called her Pooky and she called me Benedict Cumberbatch. That later I went off to a boarding school outside of London, you might have heard of it called Hogwarts. When I was there, she’d write these amazing letters home to me, these fantastic missives, and they had beautiful, beautiful drawings and illustrations on an incredible thing. So I can’t do that for her here, obviously, but I thought I’d use a bit of this monologue to thank her for all that she’s done for me.

Hey, mom, it’s me, your son, little Benedict. Thank you for always being there for me. You know, growing up every time I had a problem, you had a solution. For instance, when I lost my two front teeth, I was worried about being teased. But you said “It’s okay, just try and smile without opening your mouth.” That’s great advice. But it also explains why to this day in every red carpet photograph, I’m smiling like this. [a funny picture of Benedict Cumberbatch smiling appears] Seriously, though, mom, thank you. You’ve shown me so much love and support every step of the way. I love you Pooky.

And speaking of mothers, my wife Sophie is in the audience tonight and I’d like to wish her a happy Mother’s Day too. Hi, Sophie. It’s me your husband, little Benedict. I’m seriously in constant, constant aww of you. I mean for a start, you gave birth to our three beautiful boys and that alone is a minor miracle as any woman will tell you. Meanwhile, according to you, I was off dressing up as a wizard. Technically, it’s a sorcerer. Wizards have robes. I have a clock. It’s a thing. Don’t worry. But seriously, Sophie, I really hope that when you think about it, you realize that it evens out because if you think being a mum is hard, try doing this. [does hand gestures of Dr. Strange]

Oh yeah, just open the portal. You’re welcome. But really seriously, happy, Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there, all the grandmothers, all the caregivers, for everybody who does such an extraordinary job doing that. Especially to the two mothers in my life, my mum, Wanda Bentham and my wife, Sophie Hunter. And seeing all that you two have done for me and for our children. It truly warms my heart and puts a smile on my face, a smile like this. [smiles funnily]

We got a great show for you tonight. Arcade Fire is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Why’d You Like It

Denny Donigan… Kenan Thompson

Beth.. Chloe Fineman

Kenny… Chris Redd

Brad… Jake Gyllenhaal

[Starts with game show intro]

Male voice: It’s the game show you love to like, it’s “Why’d you like it?” With your host, Denny Donigan.

Denny Donigan: Alright. Welcome to “Why’d you like it?” The game show where we ask contestants “Why do you like it?” I’m your Denny Donigan. Tonight’s contestants are Beth.

Beth: Hi. Can’t wait to play.

Denny Donigan: Kenny.

Kenny: What’s up, y’all? Let’s do this.

Denny Donigan: And Brad.

Brad: Excited to be here, Denny. I’m still not totally sure what the show is, but looking forward to finding out.

Denny Donigan: Well, the game is easy. We show you a picture that you liked on Instagram and ask you the simple question – Why do you like it? So Brad, why don’t we start with you?

Brad: Oh, okay.

Denny Donigan: On March 19, you liked this photo. [A picture of a woman holding a dog appears on the screen.] So the question is, why do you like it?

Brad: She’s my friend. [wrong answer buzzer] I like her dog. [wrong answer buzzer] I thought she was attractive. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: Still doesn’t explain why you liked it. I mean, you could have just looked at it. But you did the double tap. So the question remains. Why?

Brad: I guess some part of me thought that if I liked it, she would see that I liked it. And then she would follow me back and then we’d DM and then maybe at some point, I don’t know, she’d want to have sex with me. [right answer bell]

Denny Donigan: That is correct. Yes. And just to be clear, your girlfriend is here tonight?

Brad: She is, yeah.

Girlfriend: You are a stupid man.

Brad: I really didn’t understand the premise of the show.

Denny Donigan: Alright, next up, Kenny.

Kenny: Pass.

Denny Donigan: No. You can’t pass. Two weeks ago, you liked this photo. [there’s a picture of a painting]

Kenny: Okay, oh. That’s not even bad.

Denny Donigan: All right, then this question should be easy. Why do you like it?

Kenny: Um, culture. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: I’d like to point out that this art photo was posted by Megan thee Stallion, who has 28 million followers and averages 2 Million Likes per post. So again, why do you like?

Kenny: I’m a fan of her music. [wrong answer buzzer] I’m a fan of her art. [wrong answer buzzer] I’m a fan of Instagram in general. [wrong answer buzzer] Okay, I guess I saw that post was getting less likes than the ones with Megan’s face and booty. So I thought if I like this one, it’s more likely she’d see it and she knows that I like her for more than her body, but like, for her mind. And then it’d be like a Notting Hill type of situation. She DM me, one thing leads to another and pretty soon we’re having sex. [right answer bell]

Brad: Wow. That’s pathetic.

Girlfriend: Do not speak.

Brad: Can I leave?

Denny Donigan: No. All right, Beth, you’re up.

Beth: Okay, well, this should be easy for me because I don’t go around liking thirst traps on Instagram.

Denny Donigan: Ha-ha. Love that confidence? Because yesterday, you liked this photo from 2017. [there’s a picture of a woman in front of a waterfall]

Beth: Seems fine.

Denny Donigan: It is a picture of your ex boyfriends sister. So why do you like it?

Beth: We still keep in touch. [wrong answer buzzer] I like her dog. [wrong answer buzzer] Water… waterfall. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: You scrolled back five years to like it.

Beth: Okay, I thought that if I liked the photo, she’d see my name pop up on her feed. And remember that I was nice. And then maybe at the next family dinner, she turned to my ex and be like, “You know who I miss? Beth!” And then my ex would DM me and say we should grab coffee sometime and cut to two hours later and we’re raw dogging in a Starbucks bathroom. [right answer bell]

Denny Donigan: What is wrong with you people?

Beth: Why would you bring us here?

[exciting sound]

Denny Donigan: Oh-oh! You know what that sound means?

Brad: You know we don’t know.

Denny Donigan: Well, it’s time for round two. Why do you follow them? In this round, I show you an Instagram profile and the only thing you have to do is tell me why do you follow them.

Kenny: Pass.

Denny Donigan: It’s not going to happen. All right. Let’s get that profile up. You all follow Joe Biden. Why?

Beth: He’s the president. [wrong answer buzzer]

Kenny: He knows Obama. [wrong answer buzzer]

Brad: During the election, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough politically, so I thought following Joe Biden was literally the least I could do. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: Oh, so close.

Brad: And I thought maybe if someone political saw I was following him, they’d want to have sex with me. [right answer bell]

Girlfriend: I’m gonna kill you.

Brad: I wasn’t gonna do anything. [wrong answer buzzer] I mean, unless one of them DM’ed me and commented on some of my photos. [right answer bell] All right, all right. Look, maybe in the past I’ve been pretty shallow when it comes to social media. But thanks to this game show, I now realize social media is not my friend and maybe it’s time to get off this thing for good. Ha-ha.

Denny Donigan: All right, well, in the time it took for the camera to cut to me just now. You liked unliked and liked again, this photo? [There’s a picture of a woman at the beach]

Brad: I’m sorry, I cannot change.

Denny Donigan: Understood. We’ll be right back after the break with round three – “Why did you react to the Instagram story despite never meeting them?” Stick around.

Truck Stop CD

Kyle Mooney

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Trucker… Jake Gyllenhaal

Darlene… Cecily Strong

Picky… Andrew Dismukes

El Chapo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Kyle ad Ego in Truckstops.]

Kyle: Truckstops have the wildest stuff.

Ego: Yeah, like, the my other car is a gun?

Kyle: And who are the weirdos still buying CDs?

Aidy: Well, truckers that’s who.

Kyle: Oh, very cool.

Aidy: Yeah, this one right here is a collection of hits. My favorite truck driving crooner Johnny Gatlin. Yeah, I’m talking about “Truck you you truckin’ truck”. 42 songs, all about truckin.

Ego: Great. You mind if we just scooped past you?

Aidy: Songs include fender bender in hits like “Truckers life”.

[song]

Trucker: I’m peeing in a bottle and I’m peeing in a thermos
and I’m peeing in a cup and I’m peeing in the bucket
and I’m peeing in a diaper and I’m peeing at the window
The wind blows back in my face.

Aidy: Whoo! Been there, done that. Get your hanky handy for this heart wrenching duet between trucker and truckers’ wife. Featuring Darlene cuisine, don’t go forgettin.

Trucker: Gotta go back down on the road
I’m gonna miss you till I get home.

Darlene: And I’m asking you to remember
You always got to remember

Trucker and Darlene: Don’t go forgettin
Which cup is your drink and which cup is full of piss

Kyle: Are all these songs about peeing?

Aidy: Well, not all. But many of them? Yes. Big part of the lifestyle.

[whooing sound]

Kyle: Okay, what was that?

Aidy: Oh, wow. That would be the dreaded ghost trucker t. little Picky Dickens.

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Trucker:When the fog came rolling in,
and his hog came rolling out,
reaching down his pants,
he starts to touch himself
with the same hand he used to eat
Flaming Hot Cheetos
People say his screams to echo to this day

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Aidy: Oh! And the old children’s classic “Blow that horn”.

Picky: I see your little boy on an iPad in a minivan next to mine.

Trucker: He singles for me to blow my horn and I happily oblige 

Darlene: A smile comes across his face, I’m so happy I can make his day

Trucker: And the car in front of me get startled as hell and they veer off into a ditch

Aidy: Oh, yes. And of course, no collection is complete without the trucker standard, “The hitch hiker”.

Trucker: A hot July day in 2015 down it Juarez, Mexico
I’m trucking along the highway
A hitchhiker on the side of the road
The mustachioed man helps him in the cab
and he’s only five feet tall
Something about him looks so familiar
Then suddenly, I recall
his name’s El Chapo, El Chapo.
Oh god I think I helped El Chapo
He definitely helped El Chapo

El Chapo: I’m El Chapo and this is a certified bump.

Aidy: Truck you you truckin’ truck, available only at loves Truckstops up the I-40.

[Kyle and Ego sneaks out from behind her]

All: Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker
Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker

Tombstone

Host… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Greg… Kenan Thompson

Curly Bill… Alex Moffat

Johnny Ringo… Andrew Dismukes

Wyatt Earp… Mikey Day

Doc Holliday… Jake Gyllenhaal

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Host in her set]

Host: Hello and welcome to Lights Camera at you, a look back at some of the sickest performances in film history. From Tom Hanks in Philadelphia to Tom Hanks’s girlfriend in Forrest Gump. Tonight we focus on the role of duck holiday, made famous by Val Kilmer in Tombstone. The Southern Gentleman cowboy who keeps his raging tuberculosis a secret. But did you know another actor played duck holiday even sicker just a year before? Take a look at this scene from the 1992 film “Cough Cough Bang Bang”.

[Cut to the scene. A guy enters a bar.]

Kyle: Well if it isn’t Earl, my favorite bar tender in the whole west. You got a free drink for your pal, don’t you Earl?

Greg: My name is Greg. And my god, that’s Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo. Their gang has been terrorizing the whole southwest.

[Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo walk in]

Curly Bill: Alright, listen up. We heard no law man by the name of Wyatt Earp is holed up in this here town.

Johnny Ringo: If you see him, tell him Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo want to pay our respects.

Curly Bill: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Wyatt Earp: [turns around from the bar booth] Well, you can tell me yourself.

Curly Bill: Well, well, Wyatt Earp. Where’s your little lap dog, Doc Holliday?

[Doc Holliday walks in]

Doc Holliday: Well, I do declare to be a lap dog and a yellow Billie chicken. [coughs huge amount of blood on his handkerchief]

Wyatt Earp: Are you okay there, Doc?

Doc Holliday: Oh yeah, just have a little tickle in my throat, bunch of blood on my face and handkerchief. Which means I’m on the man. Now, if I’m not mistaken, you must be Curly Bill, which makes you the infamous Johnny Ringo. Word is you’re the fastest gun this side of the Mississippi. [starts coughing hard]

Wyatt Earp: Hey Doc, are you sure you should be out in public?

Doc Holliday: Of course not.

Wyatt Earp: You just seem like visibly sick.

Doc Holliday: Nonsense. It’s just allergies.

[Doc Holliday coughs so hard that his blood is spilled all over Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo]

Curly Bill: Come on, man. At least cover your mouth.

Doc Holliday: Why? Are you afraid something witty might come out and make your brain actually work for change?

Wyatt Earp: No, man. He’s worried about catching whatever insane illness you have. Sweat is pouring down your face, man.

Doc Holliday: That’s ridiculous. I have a normal body temperature of 108. [farts hard] Now can I interest any of you gentlemen in a game of cards?

Kyle: Thank you got some kind of intestinal issue there, Doc?

Doc Holliday: Some mixed nuts ought to settle my stomach.

Greg: Hey, stop touching the nuts.

Doc Holliday: I told you, I am not contagious. It’s just a case of the sniffles.

[Doc Holliday coughs so hard that his blood is spilled all over Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo again]

Johnny Ringo: What the hell, dude?

Wyatt Earp: Dude, do you have ebola?

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Hey there, Doc. Ready for round two?

Greg: Round two? You slept with patient zero over here?

Chloe: I think he’s just sweating because I got them all worked up.

Doc Holliday: I confess I’m feeling a stern in my britches, which means I’m either aroused or I need to change my diaper again.

Wyatt Earp: You’re wearing diapers now?

Doc Holliday: My doctor said a lot of 30 year olds wear diapers. Did anyone else see that roll snake at the cookout last week?

Greg: All right. Get the hell out of here. Coming in here with a snake flu, drinking from my cups and having sex with my white daughter?

Johnny Ringo: You know what? I’m gonna end Doc Holliday’s life right now before god gets the satisfaction.

Doc Holliday: Well then, I might as well have one last drink. Earl, You got any orange pedialyte?

Greg: This ain’t no CVS.

Doc Holliday: Fine. Then let’s see who’s really the fastest gun in the West. One… two… [farts hard] … three!

[Johnny Ringo shoots Doc Holliday]

Wyatt Earp: I can’t believe it. You killed Doc Holliday! I mean, I guess it was more like euthanasia.

Greg: Well, yeah. That’s cuz Doc didn’t have a gun. He just pulled out a bottle of pills labelled Valtrex.

Chloe: Oh my god, he had herpes too?

Doc Holliday: On the bright side, you’ll always have something to remember me by.

[Cut back to Host]

Host: I liked it. For Lights Camera at you, I prefer to remain anonymous. Goodnight.

Spring Flowers

Mr. Greene Tom… Kenan Thompson

Pink flower… Chloe Fineman

Orange flower… Jake Gyllenhaal

Yellow flower… Cecily Strong

Red flower… Chris Redd

Honey bee… Bowen Yang

Weed… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Mr. Greene Tom watering the flowers in his garden]

Mr. Greene Tom: All right, my beautiful little spring bulbs. You’re getting bigger every day. And it looks like you’re thirsty for sprinkle.

Pink flower: Thank you Mr. Greene. We love those little sprinkles.

Orange flower: I know I love em’ a lot.

[Red flower blossoms]

Red flower: Excuse me. I’m a little confused. Yesterday I was just above in the earth. And now I’m different.

Yellow flower: Welcome to the flower bed, friend. We wondered when you’d arrive.

Pink flower: Yeah. You’re a late bloomer.

Orange flower: Not sexually. Just as a flower.

Yellow flower: You’re gonna like it here. Just about everything is perfect because

[singing] It’s spring, well everywhere, but I hope

Orange flower: Because there is still a lot of snow

Pink flower: but spring has finally sprung

All: Yeah, spring has finally sprung

Red flower: You’re right. I do like it here.

Hooray for spring and zing and Easter things

All: Spring, spring, spring, spring, spring

[A honey bee comes]

Honey bee: Hey everybody, what are we talking about?

Orange flower: We were just saying how wonderful spring is Mr. Bee?

Honey bee: Oh, yeah, spring is the best. Love Spring. [Honey bee starts to rub his bottom on Orange flower and moan. It looks sexual.]

Orange flower: Hey, wait. What are you doing?

Honey bee: What? I’m just doing what bees do. It’s okay.

Orange flower: It doesn’t feel okay.

Pink flower: It looks like you’re having sex with his head.

Honey bee: No, no, I’m just getting pollen on my my legs or whatever. It’s all very natural and necessary.

[Honey bee jumps to Pink flower]

Pink flower: Wait! Don’t do me after you just did him.

Yellow flower: [disgusted] Can you believe this?

Red flower: I know! It’s like, when is it gonna be my turn?

Honey bee: Oh, I’ll get to everybody.

Red flower: Oh god, it tickles.

Honey bee: Shut up, shut up. I’m close.

Orange flower: What do you do with all this pollen anyway?

Honey bee: I basically squeeze a load of goop out of my butt and then people eat it. Pretty kinky, right?

Mr. Greene Tom: Ay! Get out of here, you silly bee! Don’t you be bothering my pretty flowers.

Pink flower: Wow, thank goodness that’s over.

[weed pops up]

Weed: Yeah, pretty harrowing, right?

Orange flower: Wait, who are you?

Weed: Just another flower. Like you guys?

Yellow flower: Are you sure you’re not a weed?

Weed: I’m a flower. Hey, can I choke you a little bit?

Pink flower: Choke me? No.

Weed: Okay. Why not though? I think you might like it.

Orange flower: Hey, get away from us, weirdo. You’re not a flower. You don’t belong here.

Weed: Oh, you don’t think I belong here? You don’t want me in your little gated flower community? Are you hearing this ball?

Red flower: Ah-hah.

Weed: Come on! Just let me choke you.

Pink flower: Stop!

Yellow flower: Can you believe this?

Red flower: I know. It’s like, when is it going to be my turn?

Mr. Greene Tom: Ay! Go away, you stupid weed. Take that! [puts medicine on it]

Weed: Ah! You can kill me but you can’t kill the revolution.

Pink flower: Wow. A lot happens in this garden bed.

Red flower: At least today hasn’t been all bad. We’re all together and there’s not a cloud in the sky.

Pink flower: Wait. There is a cloud.

Yellow flower:  Why is the cloud so furry?

Orange flower: And why does the cloud have a dog penis? [a pug is on the garden]

Mr. Greene Tom: Mr. Peanut, don’t do that on my flowers.

[pug pees on flowers]

Pink flower: Ah! what is that? What is that hot liquid?

Orange flower: It’s so salty.

Red flower: I don’t mind.

Yellow flower: I’m getting out of here. Oh my god! I don’t have legs. Where are my legs?

Pink flower: Make it stop!

Orange flower: It’s so dark! this dog must be dehydrated.

Red flower: Ah! When is it gonna be my turn?

Mr. Greene Tom: Get out of there, Mr. Peanut. Oh my poor flowers are soaked.

Pink flower: Wow, I guess maybe being a flower isn’t always cracked up to be.

Yellow flower: Don’t say that. Don’t you ever. It’s been a long gray winter and people need us. Our beautiful colors and our sweet aromas. Even if right now we don’t exactly smell so good.

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Orange flower: Yeah, right. Look at the smile on Mr. Greene Tom’s face right now.

Mr. Greene Tom: All right, let’s see which one is gonna look good on the vase buys on my table.

[Mr. Greene Tom cuts off a flower]

Orange flower: [screaming in pain] Ah! Ah!

[green blood is spilled all over other flowers.]

Pink flower: Oh, they killed Jake Flower-haal.

Yellow flower: Oh my god. Is that who that was?

Weed: Man, this garden is crazy. Can I choke you a little bit?

Red flower: Finally, ha-ha-ha.

Serious Night Live

Michael Che

Kyle Mooney

Jake Gyllenhaal

[Starts with Michael Che and Kyle in Kyle’s office]

Michael: Come on, Kyle, our sketch was due an hour ago. We need to turn it in now.

Kyle: No, it needs to be perfect. I’ve got to keep writing.

Michael: But we’ll get in trouble. They don’t like it when it’s turned in late.

Kyle: I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m going to keep on writing. And I don’t need to listen to you, you jealous [bleep]

[Jake Gyllenhaal walks in]

Jake: Hi. It’s Jake Gyllenhaal. Where is your sketch, Mooney?

Kyle: You said something to me, [bleep].

[Kyle and Jake Gyllenhaal start fighting. While fighting, Jake Gyllenhaal sees drugs on Kyle’s table.]

Jake: Drugs? Are you addicted?

Kyle: So what, Donny Dorko? I need them to write. Ah, no, what am I saying? I have so many problems and secrets.

Michael: Well, we’re here  to listen, Kyle.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Yes, we wanna know more about your life and how you got here.

Kyle: Okay, I guess it’s time for me to get serious.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: Hey, Kyle Mooney here and I can’t wait to take you behind the scenes of my new weekly segment for SNL, Serious Nightl Live.

[Cut back to the show]

Kyle: I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m going to keep on writing and I don’t need to listen to you, you jealous [bleep].

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: So yeah, this was a fun one. I love dramatic shows and movies. And I love SNL and I’m like, can we combine them? That’s never been done, right? Let’s go behind the scenes. Come on. So serious Night Live is the new dramatic non comedy series I’m going to be doing every week at the show.

Michael: [reading his dialog] They don’t like it when it’s turned in late.

Kyle: Yes. Great.

Kyle narrating: Sort of an 824 Meet Safty Brothers vibe. Kind of scary, kind of sexy, but I knew I just had to nail it. Right Mikey? I’m reading for the role of Mikey. Let’s hear it.

Mikey: Hey, Kyle, what are you working on?

Kyle: That’s a choice. We’ll be in touch man.

Mikey: Okay.

Kyle: Might want to stick to sketch comedy but–

Kyle narrating: So yeah, the show tackles current SNL drama, but just like Godfather II, we also get to see Kyle’s rise to get here. His troubled past growing up as a kid named Kyle.

[Kyle looking for a kid Kyle actor]

Kyle: I’ll just play the kid. Looking like Irishman me or something. Jesus!

Kyle narrating: But first, we had to get the thumbs up from the big man. Hey, Lorne, Serious Night Live, what do we think?

Lorne: Kyle Get out of my office?

Kyle: Lauren, very biting wit.

Kyle narrating: So unlike normal sketches, I had to pay about $85,000 of my own money, the crew, the lights, had to pay for the DA gene effects, which turned out great.

Kid Kyle: Let’s make a video.

Kyle narrating: Plus the drugs were actually real. And that was really expensive. And the guys who sold them to me sort of wanted to stick around. Didn’t love them, but it’s serious Night Live. And we got Jake Gyllenhaal and he totally brought us A game.

Jake narrating: Kyle offered me $40,000 cash to act in this thing and said it was legitimate crew. I said yes because, I don’t know, I felt bad. I don’t really know the guy. He’s not really on the show that much, right? That’s gotta be tough.

Kyle: [bugging Jake] Killing like Gyllenhaal. Dude, great shoot. Wanna get drinks later?

Jake: Oh, sorry, dude. I gotta rehearse for the show now.

Kyle: No worries. Happy to drink alone. Any word if I’m in sketches this week? Sort of got f-ed over last Saturday.

Kyle narrating: Well, that’s a wrap on Serious Night Live. I hope you enjoyed it. I did spend a lot of money. Obviously, I’m almost 40. If this doesn’t take off in a really big way, there’s probably no reason for me to be in show business. Or even alive. So please just [bleep] tweet about it.

Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson Confirmation Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Ketanji Brown Jackson… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

Thurgood Marshall… Kenan Thompson

Harriet Tubman… Punkie Johnson

Jackie Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at the White House]

Joe Biden: Wow, what a day. Your speak was terrific, Ketanji. I’m sorry, I mean, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I bet you can’t say that three times fast.

Joe Biden: I’m shocked I was able to say it one time slow.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you, Mr. President. I’m so grateful, you put me your trust in me.

Joe Biden: Hey, I made a campaign promise to put a black woman on the court and I did. So that’s one campaign promise down and only 74 to go.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I was happy to do my part. Work twice as hard as a white man my entire life and then spend a week listening to Ted Cruz call me a pedophile.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Mr. President, the reception starts in five minutes.

Joe Biden: Thanks. I should go get ready. But Ketaji, it’s a big damn deal. You’re the first black female justice, but won’t be the last. It’s just a normal thing now, like wearing crocs in public?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you.

Joe Biden: Well, you know, take a moment in this room. Feel the weight of history. Sometimes I like to imagine talking to all the great Americans who came before me. You understand what I’m trying to say?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: That you miss Obama?

Joe Biden: Every day. Like crazy.

Chloe: Mr. President, we really really have to go.

Joe Biden: Okay. I’ll see you in a minute. Take your time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Wow. There is a lot of history in this room. Who would I want to talk to? I know.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Nice to meet you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, how is this possible?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: You tell me. It’s your imagination? All right. What do you wanna know?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I’d love to know what advice you have for me as a woman on the Supreme Court.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Okay. Here’s my advice. Always label your lunches. A lot of other justices, they got sticky fingers. And second, if you’re anything like me, white ladies will start wearing buttons to your face like ‘I Voted’ sticker. It’s freaky, but they mean well. Anyway, I just wants to say, I’m so proud of you. I know you can do a great job.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you. That means a lot.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: And look, I know your confirmation process put you through the wringer. But in the end, people do the right thing. I mean, I was confirmed with the Senate 96:3, right? So what was your vote?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: 53:47:fortyseven? Well, yeah, a lot of them walked out and one guy kept asking me if babies are racist.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ted Cruz

Ketanji Brown Jackson: You know, it was. You should have seen that man. He actually sat there on TV and read a children’s book at me.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Well, it was Ted Cruz. So I bet the book was called ‘Good night Cancun’, and that’s a Gins-Burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg leaves dancing]

[Thurgood Marshall walks in]

Thurgood Marshall: Did I miss it? Did I miss the Gins-burn? Oh, dang.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Oh, my God, Justice Thurgood Marshall.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes, that’s exactly who you’re imagining. What an exciting day. We’ve come a long way.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thanks to you. You were on the frontlines of the civil rights movement?

Thurgood Marshall: Yep. Yep. I was there when people of color in this country came together with one voice and said enough is enough. And then white folks said, “We’ll, think about it.” But that was a different time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Some things are still sort of similar.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes? Is there the threat of nuclear war with Russia?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yes.

Thurgood Marshall: Inflation still popping off?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: For sure.

Thurgood Marshall: Is Joe Biden is still a politician?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Very much so. So what advice do you have for me as a person of color on the Supreme Court?

Thurgood Marshall: Well, never give up. Democracy can be slow and messy. It stumbles, but over time, it moves forward. I mean, I was the first black Supreme Court justice. So you must be what, the 10th? The 20th?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, just the third.

Thurgood Marshall: No further questions, your honor.

[Harriet Tubman walks in]

Harriet Tubman: Yeah, I have some questions.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Harriet Tubman?

Harriet Tubman: That’s right. Conductor of the Underground Railroad. My question is, what are we doing in the White House? Did we get in trouble?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Not at all. Actually, because of the bravery of women like you, a lot of doors opened up to a lot of people. I’m on the Supreme Court.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I have a seat at the table.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: And I’m going to have this job for the rest of my life.

Harriet Tubman: Don’t like that. Sounds like a trap.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no, no, it’s not like that.

Harriet Tubman: Okay, okay. But if it is, light two candles and meet me in a farmhouse at midnight.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no.I’m good. I’m just excited to get to work. But I would like to talk to one more person who broke down a barrier.

[Jackie Robinson walks in]

Jackie Robinson: Well, that’s me, Jackie Robinson. First black player in the Major Leagues and let me tell you, being the first is kind of fun. Yeah, it’s fun. Here’s my advice, watch out for batteries. You will get so many batteries thrown at you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yeah, I think the Supreme Court is too civilized for that.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s what they said about baseball. But they still do those damn batteries. Wish we had helmets back then, ha-ha-ha. But the good news is you’ll probably be making a lot more money than a measly a baseball player.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I wish. Baseball players today average about $Ruth Bader Ginsburg million a year.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, excuse me for a second. [covers his face with the gloves and screams out loud] Thank you. I’ve been holding it in since 1947.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thank you all for your advice. It’s a lot of pressure but I will do everything I can to honor your legacy.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s great. So even the bad players the millionaires?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yep.

Jackie Robinson: Ain’t that something?

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Jake Gyllenhaal Monologue

Jake Gyllenhaal

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jake Gyllenhaal.

[Jake Gyllenhaal walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jake Gyllenhaal: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so, so excited to be back at SNL. The last time I hosted was the year 2007. You know how long ago that was? That was like 400 Marvel movies ago. To give you an idea what it was like in 2007, in the show I hosted, there was a George W. Bush sketch. There were jokes about the first iPhone. And this is a photo from me from my monologue. [a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal’s previous monologue appears] There I am in full drag, singing a song from Dream Girls to promote a movie where I played a gay cowboy.

That was actually the least problematic thing in that episode. But looking back, I feel like I was a totally different person. It’s funny, I got this reputation for being a serious intense method actor. But honestly, I wasn’t even that good at method acting. I remember for this movie Nightcrawler I went to the director, and I was like, “Get ready for me to lose 48 pounds and win the Oscar.” And then a week later, I was like, “How would you like to see an actor lose 36 pounds and win the Golden Globe?” And then I showed up on set and I was like “You’re looking at a guy who gained 10 pounds and doesn’t care about awards.”

The truth is, I was only doing that method stuff because I thought that’s what you had to do to be a serious actor and I kind of forgot how to have fun. That’s when I realized something I should have realized a long time ago. Acting is a really stupid job. It’s pretend and it’s fun and it should be filled with joy. Well, I’m finally embracing that joy again, and that’s why I’m back standing on this stage. I never thought SNL would come calling again. [music playing] I mean it’s been 15 years and I wasn’t sure I’d remember how to host. But being here tonight, it feels like everything is suddenly coming back.

[singing] There were nights when the wind was so cold
that my body froze in bed 
if I just listen to it right outside the window
but when you see me like this
and I host you like that
I just have to admit that it’s all coming back to me

Chloe, Ego and Cecily: All coming back, it’s all coming back to you now
there were moments of gold and there were flashes of light

Jake Gyllenhaal: There were sketches I would never do again
but then they always seem right
there were nights of endless pleasure,
it was more than any shows alive
baby baby

All: If you want me like this,
and if you need me like that,
like back long ago but it’s all coming back to me
I can barely recall  but it’s all coming back to me now

Jake Gyllenhaal: We got a great show for you tonight. Camila Cabello is here. Stick around we will be right back.