Category: 2022

Dont Stop Believin

Heidi Gardner

Clara… Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a group of friends at a restaurant]

Heidi: So after 36 hours they said, “Sorry, ma’am. We found the killer. You can go.”

[everyone laughs]

Clara: Classic.

Chris: All the uses.

Ego: Unrelated, has anyone heard that new Doja Cat song?

Clara: Oh yeah, it’s so fresh. She’s such a forward thinking artist.

Chris: Not yet. But everyone’s gotta listen to a Lil’ Dirk’s Straight Fire.

Bowen: Oh, speaking of Straight Fire, you know what I’ve been really into lately? The marching band version of Don’t Stop Believing.

Clara: What?

Bowen: Yeah, yeah, I’ve been like mainlining that track? I mean, I have it queued up actually. You guys want to hear it?

Chris: No, that’s okay.

Bowen: Aww. Come on. Let me break you off a piece.

Ego: Don’t ever call playing music that.

Bowen: Cortana play “Don’t Stop Believin” by Ohio State University marching band.

Chris: Is that a Windows phone?

Ego: Did you just say Believin?

Bowen: Yeah, there’s a typo on Spotify. Shut up. It’s starting. [music playing] Do you guys hear?

Heidi: Hear what?

Bowen: It’s Tubas playing the baseline. Like who thinks of that?

Chris: Marching band?

Bowen: Shh.

Ego: What are we waiting for?

Bowen: It’s coming. There. The drums. Taka-taka-taka-taka-taka-taka. It’s like steam arising from the asphalt after a sun shower, and just percolating up and up and up and up and upward. Imagine walking down the street to this, feeling invincible. Like your whole life is ahead of you, like you’re on your way to your high school graduation and you’re going to make real mistakes in life into a song of gradual building until suddenly–

Chris: Is it over?

Bowen: It’s just beginning.

[Waiter walks in with the food]

Waiter: Hey, who ordered–

[Bowen throws away the food]

Bowen: Not now!

Clara: This is incredible.

Bowen: So you feel it too? Like…

Clara and Bowen: Anything is possible and all that was once beautiful can be again?

Bowen: Wait! Stop here. The instruments are doing the thing that Steven Tyler is singing.

Ego: Steven Tyler wasn’t in journey.

Bowen: It doesn’t matter. Okay? The music is transporting me. Am I in heaven or am I on Rainbow Road and freaking Mario Kart eight?

Clara: Oh! Imagine playing play Mario Kart to this song.

Bowen: Argh, sister, I’ve done it. And look. Now they’re doing the guitar part with a trumpet.

Clara: I didn’t know trumpet could do guitar.

Bowen: Well, they can. [singing loudly]

Chris: Those aren’t the words.

Ego: And no one has ever called it San Francisc.

Bowen: Okay, I’m getting hits to off. None of you are getting my money when I die. Except Clara.

Clara: You know the first time meeting and I really disliked you based off your social media posts, but I am so happy to be wrong. Who is this again?

Bowen: It’s the OSU marching band after album Buff by Bangers? They’re like the biggest band in the world. And violins.

Clara: And that cello.

Bowen: Oh my god, it’s amazing. [singing loudly]

Clara: Seriously, imagine playing Mario Kart eight and hearing this!

Bowen: It honestly inspires me to do so much better at Mario Kart. I just started read shelling the hell out of tone while I’m cruising down Rainbow Road which is where…

Clara and Bowen: This all takes place.

Chris: The marching band version of “Don’t Stop Believin” takes place on Rainbow Road?

Bowen: It does. If you don’t stop Belevin and are taken us home.

Clara: That was amazing. I’ve never heard a song without words before. I can’t believe it’s over.

Bowen: Me neither. But in many ways, it’s just beginning. Life that is.

Ego: Are you guys about to hook up?

Chris: That doesn’t make any sense.

Heidi: You’re both gay.

Bowen: Not anymore.

Clara: I still am.

Bowen: Me too. Cortana, play the Vinyl Belts. [singing loudly]

Can I Talk to You

Ego Nwodim

Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

[Starts with Ego walking out of Quick Mart. Zoë is filling up the gas tank of her car. They are well dressed.]

Zoë: Is this thing busted or something? It’s taking forever.

Ego: Girl, Biden better do something about these gas prices?

Zoë: I know, right? $6 a gallon. What are they using, casamigos?

[Chris walks to them. He looks homeless.]

Chris: Excuse me? I ain’t trying to bother y’all but I’m looking very beautiful tonight.

Ego: Oh, boy.

Zoë: Here we go.

Chris: I just want to know if I can get your number or something, you know I’m saying?

Ego and Zoë: No.

Chris: Damn, saying no. Can I at least like, talk to you for a second? You know what I’m saying?

Zoë: You got a hole in your jacket.

Chris: So what though? What? You got a man or something like that?

Zoë: Yeah.

Ego: I’m married.

Chris: So what though? I can’t get to know you now?

Ego: You got bags on your feet. [He’s wearing plastic bags instead of shoes]

Chris: So what though? I mean, I can’t talk to you?

Zoë: Talk about what?

Ego: Do you work here or something?

Chris: No, I got no job. But I get money though! [showing his collection of cans]

Zoë: By collecting cans?

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I’m saying, girl, can I get your phone number or something?

Ego: I think your car is on fire.

Chris: What does that even mean?

Zoë: She means your car is literally on fire right now.

[his car is on fire]

Chris: So what though? What you saying, baby? I can’t know your name?

Ego: Is that your baby?

Chris: Is what my baby?

Zoë: The baby in the stroller rolling into the streets.

Chris: Yeah, I guess that’s my baby. Why you can answer my questions though? That’s what I want want to know?

Zoë: Oh my god. What is your question?

Chris: I’m saying can I have your home address?

Ego: No.

[Mikey walks out of the store]

Mikey: Oh, what do we have here?

Ego: Oh, God. Will this pump Hurry up?

Mikey: Do my eyes deceive me, or am I looking at my future ex baby mom?

Ego: Ex baby mama? Then how would that happen?

Mikey: I’m saying though. What’s your name baby girl?

Zoë: Dude, are you peeing on yourself right now?

Mikey: Look, man, I’m just trying to get to know you, baby girl.

Chris: This my homie. We’re not trying to bother y’all.

Mikey: Yeah, we just want to know your sign. Are you a Virgo or a Sagittaricruz?

Ego: What happened to your teeth?

Mikey: My what?

Ego: Are you wearing a hospital gown?

Chris: I might be. You going to nurse me?

Mikey: Ooh!

Zoë: Oh, my God, why is this pump taking so long?

Chris: Girl, when are you going to let me take you out to Harry Potter World and drink some butter beer?

[a bird poops on Chris’s head]

Zoë: Ew!

Zoë: Do you know a bird just [bleep] on your head?

Chris: Don’t worry ’bout all that, girl.

Mikey: Yo, she got jokes!

Chris: I know, right?

Zoë: Is that a tail?

[Mikey has a tail]

Mikey: It might be!

Ego: A tail?

Chris: I’m trying to take you camping.

Mikey: Exactly, my man just trying to take you– [gets hit by a car]

Zoë: Oh, my God! Your friend just got hit by a car.

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I can’t get a hug, though?

Ego: Okay, girl, let’s just get out of here.

Zoë: Yep.

[Engine starts and they leave]

[Mikey groaning]

Chris: Man, they was ugly, anyway. Let’s get out of here, man.

Mikey: They was busted!

Amazon Go`

[Starts with people entering a building using their phone at the entrance]

Female voice: Since 2018, Amazon has been showing customers a new way to shop where you can just grab and go. It’s Amazon Go.

Heidi: So I just grabbed what I want and leave?

Female voice: Yep.

Heidi: Wow, that’s so easy.

Female voice: Use the Amazon Go app to enter, then start shopping.

Alex: That’s it?

Female voice: That’s it? No lines. No checkouts.

Chloe: No problem.

Female voice: In an Amazon Go store, you can walk in grab what you want, put it in your bag and just go.

Kenan: Oh, you want me to just take something and walk out? Na, son.

Female voice: It’s so convenient.

Kenan: No, no, no. That’s a trap.

Female voice: We know some people are skeptical.

Ego: Some people?

Female voice: Look, here’s how it works. We use computer vision, deep learning algorithms, and sensor fusion.

Ego: Oh, okay. So it’s a trap?

Punkie: So where do you pay?

Female voice: There’s no register. It all happens with our Grab and Go technology.

Punkie: But where do you pay?

Female voice: You don’t.

Punkie: No, I do. I always pay. Okay. Who do you think I am?

Female voice: It’s simple. Take what you want, put it in your own bag and walk out. And we have everything you love.

Zoë: Oh, hey, they have my favorite brand of Kombucha.

Andrew: Oh, that’s great. You should grab it.

Zoë: Sure. [pauses] Can you grab it?

Andrew: Just grab it.

Zoë: You should pick it up.

Andrew: Hey, it’s fine.

Zoë: Take it up.

Andrew: I’m learning.

Female voice: If you change your mind, just put it back. Our technology will update your virtual cart instantly.

Chris: [in loud voice trying to get attention] Okay, I am putting the sandwich back y’all. I have decided to get a different sandwich today. [showing the empty bag] I got no more sandwiches now. god.

Female voice: So get your purchase and go. [Kenan is at the radio-frequency beeper machine at the exit. He doesn’t know if he should go.] Go ahead, leave. Just walk out.

Kenan: [scared] Here I go. [he walks out and nothing happens] [celebrating] Yay! [he comes back and puts the cash on the machine]

Female voice: You don’t have to do that. You’ve already paid.

Kenan: Well then, it’s a tip. [in loud voice] It’s a tip!

Zoë: If you’re trying to trick me– [beeping] Here we go!

Andrew: It’s just notifying you of your receipts.

Zoë: [with her hands up] It was him!

Chris: Alexa, search “Amazon Go store black man trapped.”

Female voice: Amazon Go. No lines. No checkout. No, seriously.

Punkie: That’s a damn trap!

Weekend Update Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Rihannas Pregnancy

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Rihanna has been showing her baby bump and sexy maternity looks at Paris Fashion Week. Here to comment is Pauline, a weary mother and her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: You’re never going to believe it Michael, I’m pregnant again.

Michael Che: How you doing Pauline? Congratulations. Must be such an exciting time.

Pauline: Exciting for who, Michael? Last time I gave birth, the baby was so big the doctor said he looked like black Jason Momoa. You know what it feels like to drop a Drogo? Bad. But here, look at Rihanna. Come on with a perfect cute little baby bump. Meanwhile, I look like I’m trying to shoplift the Turducken. I’m just regular pregnant. I want to be famous pregnant.

Michael Che: Famous pregnant? That was just the honest pregnancy announcement photo, right?

Pauline: Sure it was. Rihanna and her boyfriend all happy. Walking around Harlem. You know how I announced my pregnancy. I threw up on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. You know, I’ve had babies before but this is my worst pregnancy yet. It’s making me want to eat all kinds of things. Pickles. Peanut butter, the barrel of a shotgun.

Michael Che: Pauline!

Pauline: Look, I don’t mean it. I don’t mean it. I don’t know what I’m saying. Pregnancy brain.

Michael Che: Well, Rihanna has been wearing some iconic pregnancy looks at fashion week hopefully to inspire other pregnant women.

Pauline: Oh, please. Look at this Michael. Look at her. She looked like she’s going to a sex funeral. She makes it look good. How? I couldn’t even wear this before. If you’re gonna wear something like this, everything’s got to stay put, you know. But right now, everything on me is loose, including my pushay.

Michael Che: Oh my god.

Pauline: She’s always wearing heels. You want to see my heels, Michael? [showing him a Bugs Bunny slippers] These. I used to wear a size 9. Now, I’m a men’s 15. You know, I even got my tubes tied. But they came loose. I keep begging my doctor double knot them next time, please.

Michael Che: They tied them like shoelaces?

Pauline: Look, I’m out here on my own Michael. At least Rihanna has got a boyfriend by her side. Meanwhile, you haven’t come with me to not one doctors.

Michael Che: Wait, why would I?

Pauline: Because you did this to me.

Michael Che: I did?

Pauline: I said “Let’s use protection,” and you looked me in the eye and said “It don’t feel the same.”

Michael Che: [nodding his head] That does sound like me? Yeah.

Pauline: All right. You know what? I gotta go. I left my kids in Lorne’s office.

Michael Che: Pauline, everybody.

Pauline: I’m younger than Rihanna. I’m only 29.

Weekend Update Russian Forces Slow Down Germany Increases Military Production

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]
Well, we’re now at the point where in every press conference, the President’s asked, “Will there be a nuclear war?” A journalist asked President Biden if we should be worried about nuclear war and he said no. Because what’s he going to say? “Hell, yeah, man. Start digging a bunker Jack.” It’s like when a little kid asks you where Grandpa is gonna go when he dies? You know, obviously you’re gonna say heaven. But based on some of the stuff Grampy said, you know, hell is also on the table.

[Picture changes to a tank]

Some military experts have been surprised that despite having superior firepower, the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment, poor motivation and inept leadership. So basically, they’re the Lakers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of Germany at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Germany is now joining the EU to send arms to Ukraine, which is the first time Germany has ramped up military production since that little six year gap in their history books.

[Picture changes to Emmanuel Macron and Vladimir Putin]

French President Emmanuel Macron said that after a tense 90 minute call with Vladimir Putin, he’s convinced that the worst is yet to come. Man. It’s amazing how much suffering could have been avoided if Putin was just a few inches taller.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lindsey Graham at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senator Lindsey Graham who gives this exact same look at the urinal created a controversy on Twitter by suggesting that Russian should end the war in Ukraine by assassinating Vladimir Putin. It is a shocking disgusting example of Lindsey Graham being kind of right about something.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Russian Vodka at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Governors in several states including New Hampshire, Ohio and Utah have banned the sale of Russian made vodka. No word yet on brides.

[Picture changes to members of congress]

Many of the members of Congress attending the State of the Union wore blue and yellow to show their support for Ukraine, while Kamala Harris wore all brown to do what she’s done for the last year, disappearing to the background.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen here being told someone’s pronouns, DeSantis yelled at students behind him at an indoor event to take off their masks saying, “Stop with this COVID theater.” And there’s nothing more on brand for conservatives than a dad screaming at boys to give up theater.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Vaccine requirement lifted” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starting on Monday, New York City will no longer require bars and restaurants to pretend to look at vaccination cards. The city will be lifting its vaccine mandate for indoor dining and events. “Finally!”, said the next variant.

Weekend Update Kate McKinnon on Floridas Dont Say Gay Bill

Colin Jost

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this week Florida’s controversial “Don’t say gay” bill passed its final state senate committee. Here to comment is Kate McKinnon.

[Kate McKinnon slides in.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Kate. Thank you for being here.

Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry to barge in here out of costume. I just heard about this law. And I think it’s amazing.

Colin Jost: You do?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. Because, you know, when I was in middle school in the 90s, I was kind of like tortured by the constant use of the word gay. Like, you know, “That’s so gay” or “Ew, you’re gay.” It just made me feel horrible and to hear that Ron Dis Candice has taken a stand and said, “No, you cannot say gay in school anymore.” I’m just like, I’m so jazzed. And in Florida of all places.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Yeah. So, actually, I feel like there’s been a misunderstanding. The law actually means that you can’t acknowledge that gay exists at all.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, like teachers can’t speak about gay people in history or if a kid has a gay family member.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, and if a kid confides that they’re gay to a teacher, the teacher has to out them to their parents.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, sorry to break this to you. It’s probably affecting what you were gonna say.

Kate McKinnon: No, yeah. Okay, well, that’s okay. Oh, no, I’ll say something. It’s just that thing of like, when they say “Don’t say gay,” then it’s like stuck in your head. But it’s fine. Okay. Anyway, I am deeply gay. Sorry. Deeply concerned. It just feels like this is gonna make kids gay and trans– Sorry, depressed and suicidal. And I just think these laws are lesbians. Sorry. Unconscionable, unconscionable.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you ended up saying gay a couple of times.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Well, I’m just trying to make sense of all this. Like, does this don’t say gay law have a purpose?

Colin Jost: Well, I think it’s so kids aren’t going home with questions that parents don’t want to answer. I don’t know what the idea is.

Kate McKinnon: So like, one kid can say I live with my parents, but another one has to say I live in a house with two adult men who bought me when I was young? That’s good. They’ll be less confused.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it does sound like it would be more confusing.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, look Colin, if the 90s right and gay means bad, than this is the gayest law I have ever seen. So kids, listen up. If you can’t say it, you might as well sing it.

[singing in the rhythm of ‘Smoke on the water’] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay

Colin Jost: Kate McKinnon, everyone.

Weekend Update Euphoria Fans Criticize Creator Dunkins Shamrock Macchiato

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Serena Williams at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Serena Williams criticized the New York Times after it mistakenly printed a picture of her sister Venus Williams and labeled it as Serena. Worse, The Times then sent an apology letter to Wendy Williams.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictre of Euphoria poster at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Fans of the hit HBO show Euphoria had been harshly criticized in the series creator for sexualizing the high school characters. Plus it’s just not accurate. I mean, take it from me, no one has sex in high school. [Picture changes to Colin Jost’s old picture from high school.] Don’t applause that much.

[Picture changes to Capitol building]

The House voted to award the Congressional Gold Medal to the only all female black unit to serve in World War II. And Tyler Perry plays them all and his new film” Inglourious Bersterds”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dubai’s museum at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dubai has opened the museum of the future which attempts to show what the world will be like in 50 years. And let’s just say the museum does not feature a polar bear exhibit.

[Picture changes to a dark room]

A new study finds that 11% of American adults are afraid of the dark, especially if that dark is behind them at the ATM.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictire of Shamrock Macchiato by Dunkin at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dunkin has announced a new beverage called the Shamrock macchiato which combines espresso vanilla and Irish cream. It’s the festive sugary drink that will have you saying “Top O’ the morning” and losing the bottom O’ your leg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet with $4000 returned tot he owner” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in Times Square returned a lost while it filled with $4,000 cash to its rightful owner. When told how much money was in the return wallet, the man replied… [sound of a gunshot]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the game Wheel of Fortune at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pat Sajak is asking Wheel of Fortune fans to stop making fun of the two contestants who were unable to solve an easy puzzle saying, “Have a little heart”, or as the contestants would guess, “Hayes a nipple heave.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking 1st March at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tuesday was National Pig day, but I told that to a pig and he handcuffed me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whiskey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, just one drink a day may shrink overall volume of your brain. Though I think I speak for all alcohol enthusiast when I say, “Ba?”

Workplace Harrassment

Maria… Cecily Strong

Donald… Oscar Isaac

Kevin… Kenan Thompson

Deborah… Aidy Bryant

Lyle… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Maria and Donald holding the HR meeting]

Maria: All right, everybody settled?

Donald: Everyone settle in, okay?

Maria: Let’s settle in everyone.

Donald: Please settle, please settle.

Kevin: We’re settled.

Donald: Okay. All right. For those of you who don’t know us, my name is Donald.

Maria: And my name is Maria. And we are your HR representatives here at Lynx Pharmaceuticals.

Donald: That’s right? We’re the ones that you come to when you have anonymous complaints. Like when Deborah told us what Kevin was doing.

Kevin: [looking at Deborah] You ratted on me, Deborah.

Deborah: I didn’t. I did not. No. I mean, why would I even care that you wait outside the women’s room and say “How did it go in there?”

Kevin: Just a simple good or bad would suffice.

Maria: Guys? We’re not here to lecture Kevin again.

Donald: God knows we spent enough time on Kevin, thanks to complaints from Deborah and Lyle.

Maria: Guys, today is our annual harassment seminar. And I know what you’re thinking, “We have to sit through this again? I’m gonna blow my fricking brains out.”

Donald: “Argh! This whole spiel again? I’m gonna blow my god damn brains out.”

Ego: Please stop saying that.

Maria: We promise we are going to get this over with as quickly as possible so you can get back to work.

Donald: That’s right. And Kevin can get back to peeking under bathroom stalls.

Kevin: [looking at Lyle] You told him about that?

Lyle: Your face was fully under my stall.

Maria: Okay, this is real simple, guys. We’re just going to run through a couple scenarios and you guys tell us whether they’re appropriate or inappropriate. Okay?

Donald: Here’s the first one.

Maria: What if Maria says to Donald – “Wow, looks like those workouts you’ve been doing are really paying off.”

Ego: I would say that’s inappropriate.

Maria: Wrong.

Donald: Let’s try another one. Okay, what if Donald said to Maria – “Wow, how often are you going to the gym? Your body is seriously fantastic.”

Deborah: I mean, that’s very inappropriate.

Donald: Sorry, no.

Maria: Try to really focus this time. Maria comes up behind Donald and says, “Damn, do you live at the gym or something? Because that juicy booty slack.”

Bowen: Wildly inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s not because I’m her boss.

Maria: See? Try to really listen, guys.

Donald: Okay. What if Maria’s boss said to Maria – “Hey, when are you going to start banging out kids? The clock is ticking baby.”

Bowen: Again, very inappropriate.

Maria: What if my boss is my grandfather? And he just really wants grandkids.

Bowen: Okay, but he shouldn’t be saying it at work in front of other people.

Deborah: And wait, I thought Donald was your boss.

Donald: [mocking] I thought Donald was– You know what? This isn’t a game Deborah. Next slide.

Maria: Donald says to Maria – “Hey, N word, are you going to the gym later? Or am I gonna have to drag your thick ass there myself?”

Bowen: It’s really awful and inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s fine.

Ego: Actually, it’s not.

Maria: He didn’t mean that N word. He meant nice.

Bowen: He was saying “Hey, nice”?

Maria: Yeah. Because he’s a chatty and he says “Hey, you’re nice”, all the time.

Ego: That’s also inappropriate.

Donald: Not if she is my boss.

Lyle: Also, why  all of these examples about the two of you?

Maria: Wow! The two of us? That’s how you see it.

Donald: Wow. So you see a man and a woman working together, so automatically you think they’re having raw intercourse?

Lyle: No one said that.

Maria: You see a woman in a hot skirt suit, nothing underneath and just because your eyes are going “Ahoo-kaa” hoping she’s gonna take a bite out of her boss’s fat bottom sandwich, that automatically means they’re about to have raw intercourse.

Deborah: Stop saying raw intercourse.

Donald: Oh, will you shut up Deborah? Kevin was worried about what he said during the investigation. You are an uptight bitch.

Deborah: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Maria: Exactly. [Maria and Donald start clapping]

Donald: You hear that? It’s clapping.

Maria: We’re clapping for you. Because we’re not your HR representatives.

Donald: No. We’re from a group called “It could be worse.” And we show employees that no matter how bad your workplace environment might be, it could be worse.

Maria: It could be way worse.

Ego: What are we supposed to do with this information?

Donald: Right? So I want you all to walk back into your offices, take a deep breath, just start typing.

Ego: He has no idea what we do.

Donald: Right when you’re finished taping your types, you just go home for the day. The women to their hunky husbands and the men to their shrill, nagging wives. And I want you to think about us and how we showed you a new way to work, a new way to live, maybe even a new way to love.

Maria: You’ll wonder, “What ever happened to those two? Did they end up going to the men’s room and having raw intercourse?”

Donald: And the answer is yes. Yes, they did.

[Maria and Donald walk out]

[Kevin is wearing a GoPro camera on his forehead]

Kevin: Unrelated, which stall are you going to be using?

All: Kevin!

Paw Patrol

Mayor… Ego Nwodim

Herb Tangier… Oscar Isaac

[The show Paw Patrol starts]

Male voice: Paw Patrol.

Mayor: As Mayor of Adventure Bay, I hereby present the Paw Oatrol with this medal of bravery for stopping that out of control hot air balloon. With you pups on patrol, our city is in good hands.

Puppy 1: Do you mean good paws?

[All laughing]

Male voice: Enough is enough.

[Cut to 2]

Herb Tangier: I’m City Councilman Herb Tangier. Mayor Goodway has put all our lives at risk with her paw patrol initiative, and I say it’s time to vote her out. This may have fired all of us that is police officers, firefighters and paramedics, and replace them with a group of six talking dogs. I think that was a bad idea. And I’m not alone. Listen to these concerns citizens.

Concerned citizen 1: I was excited about the paw patrol at first. Talking dogs who know how to fly jets and drives. Great. But it’s become clear that six dogs cannot protect a city roughly the size of San Diego.

Herb Tangier: Criminals and lowlifes are flocking here because they know there’s only one cop patrolling our streets, and it’s a dog.

Concerned citizen 2: And there’s only one firefighter, also a dog. So if there’s two fires at the same time, someone’s getting screwed I guess? Who is in charge of this organization? A child?

Herb Tangier: Yes! Paw Patrol is run by a 10 year old boy named Ryder. Who is this kid? Beats me. As far as we can tell, he has no parents and doesn’t go to school. But maybe, that’s for the best because with all of our tax dollars paid for all these cockapoos jetpacks, we now have the worst schools in the state. This is my 17 year old son. [his son walks in] He can barely read.

Son: I can read I just don’t know what sounds vowels make when they’re next to other letters in a line.

Herb Tangier: Mayor Goodway, this is your fault and you need to go.

Concerned citizen 1: Fact. Our city’s COVID response was a national disgrace. Why? Because six dogs were in charge of it.

Concerned citizen 2: Fact, chased the police dogs only weapon is a Net. Question. How is a Net going to help if a lunatic on bath salts is eating my face? Answer? It won’t.

Concerned citizen 3: Fact. Marshall, the fire dog is my favorite one. He’s the funniest pup by far and the coolest by a mile. But I don’t think you can carry me down a flight of stairs because you got no hands.

Herb Tangier: Fact, I also like Marshall the best. He’s super brave and his jokes never miss. But do we feel safe? No. Listen to this actual 911 call.

911: Paw Patrol and we’re ready to roll. This is Ryder. What’s your emergency?

Citizen: It’s my girlfriend man. She’s no waking up. Her eyes are rolled back. I think she’s OD’ing, man!

911: Ummm…… Please hold!

[Paw Patrol music playing. Then call ends.]

Herb Tangier: Unacceptable. And that’s not the only emergency this Paw Patrol has bungled. Just ask my sister.

Sister: I went into labor early. I was alone and call 911 for help and told them my water broke. So they sent Zuma, the water rescue dog to my home. He didn’t understand what was happening and sat there chewing on his upper body while I gave birth on my kitchen floor.

Herb Tangier: Disgraceful. But it gets worse.

Concerned citizen 2: Recently, my wife was in a terrible accident. And who came to break this earth shaking news to me and my children? A Bulldog in a hard hat. It midway through telling us, he started doing that scooting thing dogs do where they put their hind legs under them and drag their itchy ass across the floor. Enough is enough.

Herb Tangier: Mayor Goodway, the numbers don’t lie. 258 unsolved murders. 36 car jackings a day. 0 sex crime units in our police force because the Paw Patrol and their 10 year old boss don’t know what sex is. And one, one chance to take our city back by voting yes. To recall Mayor Goodway in next week special election. Let’s make our voice heard and get my wife out of office!

Oscar Isaac Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar Isaac.

[Oscar Isaac walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Oscar Isaac: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. This is my first time hosting SNL. They actually asked me to host back in 2015. But I said “No, I’m not ready. I want to wait till after the pandemic.” And they were like, “What pandemic?”

My name is Oscar Isaac, but my full name is Óscar Isaac Hernández Estrada. I said to Hollywood, you can pick two of these names. Guess what they went with? The white ones. I’m half Guatemalan, half Cuban. Or casting directors call that ethnically ambiguous. According to them I can play anything from a Pharaoh to Timothée Chalamet’s daddy. You know that joke? A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. Yeah, I could play anyone in that joke.

But I am excited. I’m joining the Marvel Universe with Moon Knight. It’s kind of a full circle moment since the first movie I was ever in was called “The Avenger”. Not “The Avengers”, which was a massive blockbuster. No, no, this was “The Avenger” which is a movie that I wrote, directed and starred in when I was 10 years old. It was shot on location in my buddy Bruce Ferguson’s backyard in our hometown of Miami, Florida. I play a ninja assassin training to fight his nemesis and we actually have a clip. This is real. Check this out. [Cut to old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid doing kungfu stuff.] Okay, there’s the opening title. And there I am kind of losing my balance a little bit at perfect editing. And here comes my big stunt. A trained two months for this. [he breaks a stick] Ya!

[Cut back to Oscar Isaac]

I mean, arguably better than the real Avengers. And I made it for half the budget only $110 million. But I took it really seriously. Maybe a little too seriously, like in this scene. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] Okay, they’re enacting my heart out and there’s my friend’s dad cleaning the pool. [Cut back to Isaac Oscar] Shout out to Mr. Ferguson. Shout out to my buddy Bruce. He’s at home watching and he had no idea our old movie was gonna be on SNL. I actually had to sign a licensing agreement to show it. It’s true. NBC Universal now owns the Avenger. Coming this fall to Peacock.

I’ve got one more clip. This is a scene I did with myself where I play both parts. Okay, here we go. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] That’s that’s me on my own henchmen. Oh no, that’s what I do with a sword. Total commitment from the start. Now you might be asking, “Oscar, why did you use your monologue to show us these old home videos?” And the reason is, it’s important to encourage kids to be weirdos. Because every once in a while, one of those weirdos grows up to host SNL.

We got a great show for you tonight. Charli XCX is here. So stick around we’ll be right back.