Category: 2022

Meatballs

Sarah Sherman

Alan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Sarah and Alan talking]

Sarah: And that’s why he didn’t go to grad school. Amazing.

Alan: You know, had a great time tonight.

Sarah: Me too. We’ve had three incredible dates.

Alan: Yeah, definitely. Hey, can I ask you something?

Sarah: Anything?

Alan: What do you always wear that green ribbon around your neck?

Sarah: [nervous] What do you mean?

Alan: I’ve just never seen you without it. Why don’t you take it off?

Sarah: I hoped you wouldn’t notice. Look, Alan, I’ll show you but please don’t let it affect the way you see me.

Alan: Of course.

Sarah: All right, here we go.

[Sarah opens takes off the ribbon from her neck. There’s a huge ball of meat hanging on her neck. The ball is singing]

There. Now you know. There’s a little meatball guy on the side of my neck and every time I take the green ribbon off and expose him to light, he wakes up and sings his little songs. Does that clear things up for you?

Alan: Totally. 100%.

Sarah: Now, where were we? [leaning to kiss]

Alan: Just one question. Is that little tiny hands sticking off the top of your shirt?

Sarah: Urgh. I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. [Sarah opens the button of her shirt. There’s another ball of meat on her chest singing.] And to answer your question, yes, they harmonize and sing together in time.

[The two balls start singing together]

Then there’s these guys.

[She has two more on her arm]

And  this one kind of munches on a block of cheese.

[There’s another one on her shoulder holding a piece of cheese]

And this one just kind of spits up.

[There’s another one on her stomach that’s vomiting.]

And the Big Daddy brings it all together.

[There’s another one on her thigh singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
singing our little meatball song
We are little meatball men
join us please and sing along

Alan: Okay. Yeah, I think I get it. You can go ahead and cover them now

Sarah: Oh, no, no. Once they get on a roll like this, it’s better to just keep on going until they get tuckered out.

[The balls are singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
made of balls of body meat
we are little meatball men
snacking on our cubes of cheese

my name is chunky

and my name is Poppolim

my name is Joby

my name is Jim

Alan: Have you ever talked to a doctor about getting them removed?

Sarah: No, it’s not necessary. After a few years, they just dry up and fall off into the toilet.

Meatball: Hey, buddy, I’m hungry. Give me some on cheese.

[The vomiting meatball vomits on Alan’s shirt]

Alan: Oh, gross.

Sarah: Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s not poisonous or anything. It’ll just stain your clothes. And it is poisonous.

Alan: Okay, look. Sam, I think we’re moving too fast.

Meatball: Oh no, here he comes.

Meatball: Oh, this is so awkward. I can’t bear to watch.

Sarah: Are you serious? You’re dumping me? Just coming out of nowhere. I mean, I suppose if I had to guess, I’d say it had maybe something to do with the meatball?

Alan: No. No. [pausing] Oh yeah, it’s the meatballs.

Sarah: Wow. [sobbing]

Alan: Hey, I’m sorry. Is that a piano in your armpit?

[Sarah shows her armpit. Charli XCX is singing there]

Charli XCX: Don’t give up on love just because of some meatballs
Don’t give up on this girl because she’s got a little meatballs
Someday you’ll realize, that in the end
true love will always win

Meatball: And I’m Jim

Alan: You know what? The meatballs are right. I wanna make it work.

Sarah: Really?

Meatballs: We finally got a boyfriend! Yay!

[They kiss. Alan immediately starts to choke]

Alan: What the hell?
Sarah: Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. They’re extremely contagious.

Alan: [screaming] No!

Inventing Chloe

[Starts with Chloe watching TV show Inventing Anna in her office]

Chloe: Anna Delvey gets whatever she wants.

TV: Your money is coming. Why couldn’t you just listen?

[Andrew Dismukes walks by]

Chloe: Hey, Andrew. Where’d you get that sandwich?

Andrew: Oh, they’re just not in the writers room.

Chloe: Oh, great. I’m starving.

Andrew: This was actually the last one.

Chloe: Oh, okay. [Chloe looks at Anna Delvey for few seconds] Andrew, wait. [changes her voice like Anna Delvery] That’s actually my sandwich.

Andrew: What? And what is the voice?

Chloe: My sandwiches in your mouth? Gives me my sandwich.

Andrew: Okay, yeah. Sorry. I didn’t know.

[Chloe is happy with what happened]

[Tomorrow, Chloe walks in office wearing fancy clothes. Her colleagues are eating]

Chloe: This food is basic. Chips are broke ass. We need something more exclusive, more VIP. Like, Nobu. Run it on my car.

[throws a card]

Staff: This is a MetroCard.

Chloe: Run it again.

[walks into Kyle’s room]

Hey, little boy. Lorne says that’s my couch now

Kyle: Lorne said that? Because I brought this from my home.

Chloe: I’ll show you his text is on the way. He’s in the Hamptons right now. Reception is very bad. Very VIP.

Kyle: That does sound like Lorne.

[James Austin Johnson is practicing his Joe Biden impression]

James: Fello Americans–

Chloe: Lorne says I’ll do Biden now.

James: He didn’t say anything to me.

Chloe: Text is on the way. Give me the teeth.

[James spits the artificial teeth on Chloe’s palm]

[Chloe walks to Michael Che]

Chloe: Lorne says I’ll host Update now.

Michael: Alright. Bet.

[Michael leaves with his suitcase]

[Chloe has ordered all fancy food for the staff]

Staff: I still didn’t get a card.

Chloe: You’re being so dramatic. The wire transfer is on the way cool oysters.

[Oscar Isaac walks in]

Oscar: Ooh, cool. Oysters.

Chloe: What are you wearing? You look ha!

Oscar: I look what now?

Chloe: Pa!

Oscar: Pa?

Chloe: Perr!

Oscar: Pah?

Chloe: Purr!

Oscar: Pe?

Chloe: Pruu!

Oscar: Pur?

Chloe: Haw!

Oscar: Poor?

Chloe: Poor, yes.

Oscar: I look poor. Oh!

Chloe: I loved you in Dune, by the way.

Oscar: Thanks.

Chloe: Say hi to Tiffany Chalamet.

[walking down the hall]

From now all my customers are Scalia, Karolina, Harara, and [gibberish]

Staff: [asking about the payment for the food] Hey, Chloe, any update on that wire transfer? I’m in really deep.

Chloe: [yelling] I do not have time for this. I do not have time for you. I’m a masterpiece, bitches. I can pay. I can pay. [Chloe gets dizzy and falls] Y’all keep challenging me. I can pay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kate: Chloe. [Kate picks Chloe up] Here you go. I can’t help but notice, you’ve been Delveying everyone today.

Chloe: I can pay.

Kate: You don’t have to do this. The hair, the glasses. The Russian accent, it’s also German. You don’t need that. You just got to be confident. The real Delvey is inside of you. It has been all along.

Chloe: You’re right. I’m sorry.

Kate: It’s okay. I’m just glad I stopped this before anyone got hurt and there were any real consequences.

[the staff asking for food payment is being arrested]

Chloe: Well, I guess I won’t be needing these anymore. [pulling off the glasses] Bye Kate.

Kate: Bye. [Chloe walks away] There can only be one Delvey around here. [puts on her glasses and changes her voice] Very VIP.

Home Repair Show

Gus… Kenan Thompson

Tommy… Kyle Mooney

Felix… Oscar Isaac

Carlisa… Ego Nwodim

[Start s with show intro]

Intro song: You thought you could fix it by yourself
plumbing’s just as easy as building a shelf
When your DIY become OMG
You’re in over your head.

[Cut to Gus in his set]

Gus: Well, hello, I’m Gus Vantant. And welcome to In Over Your Head, where we talk to folks who got a little overconfident taking on projects around the house. Sponsored by Thumb Ice. Did you whack your thumb with a hammer like a cartoon idiot? Numb the pain with Thumb Ice. Okay, our first guest is Tommy Dorian, who says he tried to install his own pool. Oh-oh! Come on in, Tommy.

[Tommy walks in. His hair and shoulders are wet.]

Tommy: Hi.

Gus: All right, well, looks like your hair’s still a little wet from the pool there, Tommy.

Tommy: No, that’s unrelated.

Gus: Okay, so tell us what was behind your thinking behind building your own pool?

Tommy: Well, my neighbor put one in. Hired whole crew and an architect, whole nine yards. I thought it’s basically a hole puts a hose, why overthink it?

Gus: And when did things go wrong?

Tommy: Almost immediately, Guss. My problem started when I tried to pour the concrete while I was still digging to save time.

Gus: Oh, wow.

Tommy: Oh, wow. That’s right. Cut to I’m up to my waist in hard concrete screaming, “Help, someone turn off the hose.”

Gus: So you were already running the hose?

Tommy: To fill the pool to save time. Yes. Had to have it open for New Year’s.

Gus: Well looking back, any regrets?

Tommy: I do wish I hadn’t punctured my septic tank. That’s a whole different kind of pool.

Gus: Thanks for coming, Tommy.

Tommy: Thanks for allowing me.

[Tommy walks out]

Gus: Well, our next guest thought he should “do his own electrical.” Please welcome Felix Cruz.

[Felix walks in. He has burn marks all over his body and face.]

Felix: Hello. Hey, Guys. Long time, first time.

Gus: You mean longtime watcher, first time guest?

Felix: No, first time electrocuted, long time it hurt.

Gus: So how did you decide to do your own electrical work?

Felix: Yeah, I keep telling my wife it’s just wires. Babe, it’s just wires. Honey, nothing’s gonna happen, it’s wires. You know when you see a guy diffusing bulbs in the movie, you think “I could do that.”

Gus: I’ve never thought that.

Felix: Well, I have. A lot. So I thought “What the hell? I’m gonna install my own circuit breaker.”

Gus:  Oh my god.

Felix: No, no, trust me. There is no God. Now, the whole idea of a breaker is to stop a power surge. Right? So I think I should start with the power dialed all the way up because that’s what I’m trying to protect myself against. Right?

Gus: That is very bad logic.

Felix: So, I got these thing cranked up higher than lightning. And I’m like trying to screw in the middle schools, right?

Gus: No, not right.

Felix: Cut to I fly so hard through a sheet of drywall that my scream physically detaches from my body and travels at a slower speed. Kind of like Peter Pan’s shadow detaching from his body.

Gus: Yeah, I get it.

Felix: So after I hit the steel support column, wiping out the entire first floor of my home, I am hit in the face by my own scream. It’s wild, right?

Gus: Yeah, wild. And what did you learn from all of this?

Felix: Gloves? You got you got to wear gloves?

Gus: Well, thank you, Felix.

Felix: Yes. Excited to get my check.

Gus: There’s no check. Alright. And final guest says that she’s been trying to repair her home for months. Please welcome– What? This can’t be right. My wife, Carlisa. [Carlisa walks in] Hey, baby. What you doing here?

Carlisa: Oh, just trying to repair my home. [pointing at Gus] This damn fool is out here pretending he’s a big expert. Meanwhile, his own house is literally falling apart.

Gus: Well, if you have a problem, baby, I’m happy to fix it.

Carlisa: With what? This is your toolbox. But that no tools in here though. It’s just cans of Blatz beer.

Gus: Ay, I’ve been looking for those.

Carlisa: There’s no tools in this whole goofy ass workshop. It’s just chocolate bars that look like tools.

Gus: Sometimes I get a little hobby.

Carlisa: Meanwhile, our toilet hasn’t worked in months. I opened the lid of the tank and saw this.

[There’s a picture of water container filled with ice and sausages.]

Gus: Well, you never know when you might need ice cold hot dog.

Carlisa: And then you snuck some crushed up peanut shells into our son’s lunch to try to prove that he was faking his peanut allergy.

[son walks in. His tongue is full of allergies blabbering and complaining, angry at Gus.]

Gus: Well, the important thing is that I trust you now. Okay. I still think he might be exaggerating a little bit.

Carlisa: Gus, what do you have to say for yourself?

Gus: Look, I think it’s pretty clear that I’m “In Over My Head.”

Carlisa: No, don’t you dare sing that damn jingle to me? No. This man sucked up a wasp nest with a vacuum and now he won’t even throw it away.

Gus: Listen, Dyson–

Carlisa: Idiot. You’re an idiot.

Gus: [giving her chocolate that looks like a tool.] You want some of this?

Fox News Ukraine Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Steven Seagal… Bowen Yang

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now live from Mar-A-Lago, it’s the Fox News Ukrainian Invasion Celebration Spectacular.  With your hosts Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram.

[Cut to the show set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening everyone, I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like a pair of both shoes came to life.

Laura Ingram: And I’m Laura Ingram and when I watch Harry Potter, I root for Voldemort.

Tucker Carlson: We got into a weird a bit of trouble for all the nice things we said about Russia and the mean things we said about Ukraine.

Laura Ingram: We did sound pretty awful in hindsight and foresight.

Tucker Carlson: I kept asking why do we hate Putin? Aren’t liberals in America even worse?

Laura Ingram: Right. And I called the president of Ukraine pathetic. He stayed and fought with his people in the war, and I called him pathetic from a news desk in Washington.

Tucker Carlson: I kept saying we should be more worried about our own border getting invaded by Mexico, but in my defense, I am racist. So I thought that was true.

Laura Ingram: But tonight, we’re gonna make it up to you. We’re raising money for the real victims of this invasion, the oligarchs, because we need to think about the babies. Their Sugar Babies who will pour vodka in their mouths. So many horny mouths to feed.

Tucker Carlson: So please open your wallets. And because this is Fox News, you can either send money or take out a reverse mortgage. So far, we’ve raised over 8.3 billion rubles, which comes out to almost $12.

Laura Ingram: And this is incredibly exciting. Former and current President of the United States, Donald Trump is manning the phone lines himself.

Donald Trump: [talking on the phone] And you know, the thing about Rihanna is you know what, she could pull it off, but she could be nine months, body’s still incredible. It’s just wow. But now you’re gonna have a lot of women. We’re seeing this right now. Threes, fours, frankly trolls, wearing the same see through shirts. You know what? I hesitate to say whales because I know the whales are very popular with the whales. I do great with whales. You know, they come up to me on the beach and they say “Thank you, Mr. President.” You know, the blowhole is blasting away to Donald Trump00 feet in the air. It’s how they salute me.

Tucker Carlson: Okay, welcome back to Mr. President. Because our first guest is here. He’s a great American patriots, so great that he left America and became a Russian citizen, the puffy hast action star in the world Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Thank you, Tucker. Oh, what a global crisis we are facing. As someone who proudly pretends to be both Native American and Japanese, I feel for all people.

Tucker Carlson: Now, you’re close with President Putin, right?

Steven Seagal: Yes, Putin and I are, as they say in ancient Japan, Eskimo brothers. So I will be honoring Putin by performing an authentic taekwondo exhibition. Hai-ya Hai-ya Hi-yo. Now, it’s time to honor myself with a traditional Japanese shamrock shake, the efficient feasible beverage of all Aikido exhibitions. Haiy-ya.

Laura Ingram: Thank you, Steven. Now, let’s get back in with the man who said Putin’s invasion was very smart and also said China should invade Taiwan next. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: [still talking on the phone] My favorite food is probably bread and more specifically, bun. I like bun. Bun is great. Especially with respect to burger. You know what? Now they want to go beyond burger. Can you believe that? I want to stay right at Burger. Beyond is not good. Joe Biden has gotten beyond burger and it is not going so well. And you know what? Neither has reboot a Fresh Prince. It’s very different and I’m laughing and I’m laughing and I’m laughing but I don’t know why.

Laura Ingram: I do hear a dial tone on the other end of that phone. So let’s hear what kind of prizes we’re giving away tonight.

Tucker Carlson: Laura, we’re sending every Russian soldier a Fox News care package. And that includes My Pillow, a six month subscription to LifeLock, and Tucker Carlson0 American flag catheters.

Laura Ingram: All courtesy to tonight’s sponsor Acorn Stairlifts. You’re going to heaven soon. Practice going up with Acorn Stairlift.

Tucker Carlson: Now, please welcome America’s first couple, the real Prince Harry and Meghan Markel, Don Jr. And Kimberly Guilfoyle. They’re going to be performing duet in honor of Russia and Ukraine coming together.

[Instrumental to “Shallow” playing]

Kimberly Guilfoyle: [singing] Tell me something boy
Don’t you love that big Russian Convo
or do you need more?
This invasion gets me so damn hard

Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle: In the shaa-shallow
we’re far from the shallow now

Kimberly Guilfoyle: I’m off the deep end
we should take Ukraine
it’s more white than black

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. I’m gonna cut that one a little short. Thank you, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Is there a bathroom with a mirrored counter nearby?

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, man, it’s Mar-A-Lago Okay. All right, guys, you know I do have a quick announcement. Is anybody driving a yacht with a license plate “niet means da”? Your boat is currently being towed by NATO.

Laura Ingram: Also, Putin has just criminalized free speech and shut down all independent news organizations.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, so I’m thinking can we please do that to CNN?

[Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram laughing]

Laura Ingram: Every time I laugh, an Angel dies.

Tucker Carlson: Now, let’s take a quick break. When we come back, we’ll be giving away a free T shirt.

Laura Ingram: That’s right. The front says “I stormed the Capitol”, and the back says “This does not constitute an admission of guilt”.

Tucker Carlson: And plus, win tickets to see Matt Gaetz do a live reading of his favorite Russian novel, Bolita.

Donald Trump: And I’ve got something I’d like to say to Putin as well. Vladimir, I want you to hear this from me. You was smart, you was kind, you was important. And here’s a little song for me to you.

[singing] My funny valentine
sweet comic valentine
you make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
unphotographable
Yet you’re my favorite work of art.

Laura Ingram: [interrupting] Thank you so much–

Donald Trump: [continues] Is your figure less than Greek
is your mouth a little weak
when you open it to speak
are you smart?

Tucker Carlson: [interrupting] Alright, that’s more than generous–

Donald Trump: [continues] But don’t change a hair for me
not if you care for me
stay little valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine’s Day
I love you, Vlad

Laura Ingram: I know he loves you too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Fiction Workshop

James Austin Johnson

Aidy Bryant

Janitor… Oscar Isaac

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of students in the fiction workshop]

James: Abraham Lincoln smiled. She may be flawed, but she’s still my country. Anyway, see you tonight at the theater. The end.

Aidy: Wow, that was great line. Very relevant too.

James: Very much the intention. Thank you.

Aidy: Well, great stories tonight everyone. And we will be back next month. All are welcome.

[Janitor walks in]

Oh, sir. I’m sorry. Will be two minutes.

Janitor: Oh my gosh, you’re not finished. Excuse me?

Aidy: Oh, well, actually, sir. I don’t think we’ve ever actually spoken but I feel like I always see you with a different book. You like reading?

Janitor: Oh, yeah. Yes, ma’am. So I’ve seen the world 10 times over because of my books.

Aidy: Oh, wow. I love that. Will you ever try any writing?

Janitor: Oh, I mean, I dabble but no. Maybe one day you all are the writers.

Aidy: Well, why don’t you read us something? I mean, whatever you got.

Janitor: I don’t know.

Aidy: Hey, no judgments here. We’re all just trying stuff out. Promise.

Melissa: Come on, man. Take a seat.

James: Yeah, love to hear it pal.

Chris: Absolutely.

Janitor: Gosh, so nice. I’ve never read in front of people before. Well, this one’s called the “Apogee of Midnight”.

Aidy: Oh, lovely. Well, please.

Janitor: Okay, yeah. Well, there it was again, the sound of mop on tile, the start of another late night, one of 1000s like it alone in Chandler High. But the janitor liked the silence. It held them in a cool delicate calm.

Heidi: Wow, I really like that.

Janitor: Thank you. Then, footsteps. Loud and getting closer. “Hello, school’s closed.” A woman turned the corner. She looked lost. “Sorry. I’m looking for someone named Mike.” “Oh yeah? Who’s asking?” “My name is Dua Lipa. I’m a big pop star. And I’m looking for a janitor here named Mike.”

Aidy: Okay.

Janitor: The janitor paused. That was his name. Dua Lipa sighed. ” You haven’t heard me have you?” “Sorry, ma’am. More of a classic rock guy myself. Sure. Maybe I’ve seen a bikini pic or two. How can I help?”

Aidy: Okay, you know what? It is getting pregnant late. So I think we should probably wrap it up.

James: Bt he just got started.

Janitor: Wrap up? Why? So I can mop? Heck, I got time.

Chris: Yeah, and I want to know where it’s going.

Melissa: I doubt.

Heidi: Yeah, I think I’m good.

Janitor: Yeah, you’re right. I’m bad at this.

Aidy: No, no, we support it. So please go ahead.

Janitor: Okay, thank you. “Mind if I sit down?” Dua Lipa was exhausted. She just done a concert in Europe and were still in her sparkly show get up. He liked her. She was cool. “So what brings you out all this way to see little old me, girly?” “I don’t know. This is gonna sound crazy.” “Come on Dua Lipa. You know, you can talk to me. I’m your friend.” It’s true. They were fast friends. And nothing more, right?

Heidi: Are you asking us?

Janitor: Please, I’m still reading. “Well, I guess I wanted to ask you a favor Mike.” “Sure thing, girly. What’s up?” “Could you teach me how to make out? I’ve never done it before.”

Aidy: Okay. I’m sorry. Just no.

James: Come on.

Chris: Why?

Aidy: Look, I think it’s great that you write. I just don’t really want to hear about your weird made up thing with Dua Lipa. I’m sorry. I don’t.

Janitor: My thing? This ain’t me, mama. This is fiction. She’s a third person.

Heidi: Yeah, about a gender name Mike.

Janitor: Right.

Aidy: And so what is your name?

Janitor: Michael B. Jackson. Why?

Melissa: It’s just kind of creepy, man.

Heidi: Very creepy.

Janitor: Oh, I see. I guess I’m not a writer after all. Back to the toilet it is.

[Janitor stands and walks away]

Aidy: Okay, just finish it please.

[Janitor walks back fast]

Janitor: Okay cool. “Sure Dua Lipa. I could teach you how to make out.” “Wait, can my friend come? Her name is Tony McDaniels.” “The famous ginger MILF?” “One and the same.” “You know her?” “Know her? I manage her subreddit, the Gaza Day Rockstar. Of course pornography hadn’t been the same since the 70s back before TJ months took over at stuffed, when the mags had vision and the spreads were actually good.”

Aidy: Sorry, I do think we need to call it there. I think I’m sorry.

Janitor: Okay, okay. Blah blah blah blah blah, stuff happened, stuff happened. Okay, fine. Dua laughed, “Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Michael B. Thanks. This truly was the Apogee of Midnight. Amen.” Chapter Two.

Melissa: Amen?

Heidi: Chapter two? That wasn’t the end.

Janitor: Oh honey, we got 800 pages in book one. Strap in.

Aidy: Okay. Have a great night, everyone. Get home safe, okay?

[All the ladies leave. James and Chris are still there for him to finish.]

Aidys Dream

Aidy Bryant

Oscar Isaac

Bowen Yang

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Aidy Bryant in her makeup room]

Aidy: Oh, hi. I’m SNL’s Aidy Bryant. You know, over my 10 years on the show, I have played dozens of teachers, principals, mothers, women named Diane, Susan or teacher. I have loved all of these sweet nurturing women. But the show said that if I played 150 of them, then as a reward, I could write a sketch of my own choosing, you know, to show a different side of myself. So tonight, this is that sketch. Enjoy.

[Cut to the sketch. Oscar is being dressed by Bowen and Kyle.]

Oscar: Oh good god, I’m so nervous. I can’t believe she agreed to go on a date with me, a lose and a fool.  How do I look?

Bowen: You look fantastic, so I’m sure she’ll be titillated.

Kyle: But you’re right to be scared. She is the most widely desired woman in the world.

Oscar: Oh, I’m sick. I’m sick with feeling for this woman. [doorbell ringing.] It’s her. Pray for me, boys.

Aidy: Oh, hello. Now, scram, boys, and leave this man to me.

Oscar: Oh, my God. You are so beautiful and sexual. And I can tell your personality is also very good.

Aidy: Oh, God, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a man say that, I’d have so many coins, it’d be annoying.

Oscar: Oh, sensual woman. You make me so horny. I see why they cool you the sexual woman.

[Cut back to Aidy in herm makeup room]

Aidy: So, yes. I lied to Oscar Isaac. I told him I have a famous recurring character on the show called “The Sexual Woman”. Is that a crime?

[Cut to the sketch. Isaac is brushing Aidy’s hair.]

Oscar: I’m the luckiest man on earth to be brushing your hair. Mind if I get a little closer?

Aidy: Oh, sure. Bring your head and body that look like that close to the mine. Whatever. I don’t care.

Oscar: I need you to know, I see you sexually. I don’t see you as someone who would like run a school. I mean, you are the most under 35 person I’ve ever met.

Aidy: Oh, stop it, you flirt.

Oscar: Well, I bet you’re about to do your big catch phrase?

Aidy: Oh, right. Yes. My famous catchphrase, of course. What was it? Yes, here we go. Hey, you, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch.

Oscar: Well, okay.

Aidy: Yes, come on.

[Oscar sits on Aidy’s laps]

Oscar: I must confess I have a big cool boner right now. I sometimes get when I respect someone too much.

[Cut to Aidy in her makeup room]r

Aidy: Now, why did I choose Oscar Isaac for the sketch? No reason. I mean pretty random. Every time I’ve done something romantic on the show, it’s been totally random. Like with Ryan Gosling or Drake. Oh my god. Do I have a pattern of sexual randomness? Well, whatever. You only live once. Now back to the sketch.

[Cut to the sketch. Aidy is eating and Oscar is watching her eat.]

Oscar: Is the food alright? I hope you even like spaghetti.

Aidy: You’re lucky that I do.

Oscar: Oh, dammit! I’m in love with you and it’s killing me.

[Oscar breaks the glass he’s holding]

Aidy: Oh! Yes, to me, this is normal behavior.

Oscar: I wrote a song for you. If that’s okay.

[Oscar starts playing a guitar and sings]

[singing] Sexual woman are you from Paris, Dubai or Barcelona.

Aidy: No, I’m from Arizona

Oscar: Sexual woman, I respect you so much
as is demonstrated by my insane Boner.

Aidy: Oh brother, a boner? Well, let me guess. You want to kiss me now?

Oscar: Yes I do. But not yet. You need time to digest all that spaghetti. For now, could we just hug?

Aidy: Good idea. I would have forgotten to digest and I would have regretted it later.

Oscar: What they say about who was true. You are everyone’s cup of tea. Including me, Oscar Isaac. [Oscar looks at the cue card with suspiciously]

Aidy: Oh, I know, Oscar Isaac.

Oscar: [breaking the character] Sorry. I’m sorry. It says my real name on the cards. Is that a mistake?

Aidy: I don’t know. I guess the writers are so annoying and stupid. I would say, I guess just go with it.

Oscar: Okay, all right. Yes. [gets into the character] Then let’s get my fat ass on your lap.

Aidy: Yes!

Male voice: The Sexual Woman. Hey, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch.

 

Aerotoilet

Terry… Kate McKinnon

Oscar Isaac

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Terry and Oscar talking in their family reunion. There are many people enjoying there.]

Terry: Our family reunion is a hit! We haven’t had this many people in the house in two years.

Oscar: I know. But I’m honestly a little worried about all these people using our bathroom. Can the septic handle it?

Terry: Don’t worry. We’ve got AeroToilet.

Oscar: Aero what?

Terry: [showing the product] From the makers of AeroBed, now there’s AeroToilet, the inflatable guest toilet you can really go to the bathroom in.

Oscar: Huh!

Terry: In seconds, it’s fully inflated and ready to use. And voilà your home office becomes our new guest bathroom.

Oscar: Wow! That’s amazing.

Terry: Go ahead. Give it a try.

[Oscar opens his pants and sits on the toilet]

Oscar: Oh, boy! Whoa! Whoa!Is this supposed to wobble like this?

Terry: Just adjust the firmness with that little toggle there.

Oscar: Oh.

[He adjusts]

[Air hisses]

Terry: Better?

Oscar: Much. I mean, I’m using this exactly the way I’d use a regular ceramic toilet.

Terry: That’s the whole point.

Oscar: I mean, I can really do it all.

Terry: And more. And AeroToilet goes anywhere. And it’s so affordable, you’ll want one for every corner of your house. And since there’s no plumbing, there’s no place AeroToilet can’t go.

Kyle: Okay, that’s awesome.

Terry: Not near an outlet? Just inflate manually using the convenient mouth tube.

[Terry is blowing the AeroToilet by herself]

Oscar: Ooh, careful not to suck.

Terry: Good thinking.

Kyle: Great party, Terry.  And I love the house. What is it, a three bedroom, nine bath?

[Both laugh]

[Kyle starts peeing in front of Terry]

Terry: There’s even inflatable toilet paper and an inflatable magazine, if you get bored.

Oscar: Who is ready for another hot dog?

Bowen: Right after this game. [he is sitting on a toilet while playing the game] Oh, yes!

Terry: Oh, wow. Looks like it’s getting pretty full.

Melissa: Now what?

Oscar: Well, when it’s time for the guests to leave, all you do is open this handy valve–

Terry:  John! Not in here! There’s no plumbing!

Oscar: Oh, my God! It’s going everywhere!

Melissa: Everybody run!

Kyle: Oh my god.

Male voice: AeroToilet, from the makers of AeroBed. Not safe for pool use.

Melissa: [pooping in the living room] Occupied.

Weekend Update Russia Invades Ukraine Biden Nominates Ketanji Brown Jackson

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of maps of Ukraine and Russia at left top corner.]

Well, this week Russia began their invasion of Ukraine, President Putin launched the attack with support from allies like Bella Rousse, and Tucker Carlson. Many analysts were surprised Putin went through with the invasion even though it was obviously going to be a colossal mistake, but he couldn’t back down after all that build up. Kind of like how NBC still had to go through with airing the Winter Olympics.

[Picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

Experts on Russian politics are saying that economic sanctions in the West will not deter Putin because his money is a non traditional assets that are difficult to trace. So, on top of everything else awful about Putin, he’s also into crypto.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of chart showing downfall of Russian stock market at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian stock market fell by 30% to -90%. This is a tough subject to make jokes about. I mean, in my lifetime, I’ve seen footage of attacks like this on other countries, but never a white one. I don’t know very much about this whole situation. But I have a close friend who’s Russian. And I asked her what she thought about it and she said, “Michael, you no paid me to talk baby.” But I am very impressed by all Ukrainian citizens signing up to defend their country, even the famous ones. Imagine that here. If you have a read on the news Michael Che has joined an American war, we have just lost that war.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chernobyl at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: One of the first places Russian forces seize when invading Ukraine was Chernobyl, the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster. Said Ukrainians, “Oh no, don’t take that.” Capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now.

[Picture changes to Donald trump and Vladimir Putin]

Donald Trump– Great transition. Donald Trump phrased Vladimir Putin moving troops into Ukraine saying “This is genius.” Though this is genius is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ketanji Brown Jackson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson seen here getting tired of y’all’s foolishness, was nominated by President Biden to become the first black woman on the Supreme Court. The nomination fulfills Biden’s promise to change the subject. [Picture changes to Ukraine and Russia map.] You clapped too early.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week. “Weird, I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show” said the NFL.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new book claims that while Donald Trump was President, White House staff routinely found wads of paper clogging the toilet. So, either he tried to flush classified documents or he eats the wrappers.

[Picture changes to subway train]

In the days after New York Mayor Eric Adams announced a new plan to stop violence in the city’s transit system, six people were stabbed on the subway. And I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, that sounds pretty low.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme. Said Prince Andrew, “Oh, nursery!”

[Picture changes to Kentucky Derby logo]

Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit of his Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post race drug test. And I just want to say to Medina Spirit, “I hope it’s hot and horse hell you cheating bastard.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Dog returned after mission for 12 years” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Medina Spirit sounds like a Tyler Perry character. A dog in California that went missing 12 years ago was found and returned to her owner, after spending more than a decade living at Dave’s taxidermy shop.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man gets AA battery stuck in penis” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a AA battery stuck inside his penis. It was AA because that’s the sound he makes when it goes in.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Luke Cage comic book at right top corner.]

This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of Marvel Comics first black superheroes, Luke Cage. In the comics, Luke Cage faces off against black people’s most powerful enemy of the 1970s, LED paint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a handgun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police arrested twin sisters after they got mad at a restaurant worker and shot him in the face. This according to Peacocks very dark reboot of “Sister Sister”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FDA logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the FDA granted the first condom approved for anal sex. It took them this long because their wives would only let them test it on their birthdays.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a ocean wave at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Do you get it? Researchers have observed a nearly 60 foot tall rogue wave off the coast of British Columbia, which is the largest ever recorded. Researchers believe the wave was generated when yo mama fell overboard. Well, for Weekend Update, oops all jokes. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Subway Churro

Chris Redd

Andrew Dismukes

Kenan Thompson

John Mulaney

[MAN 1]
Man, how long this train gonna take?

[MAN 2]
It says the next one arrives in “forget about it,” pff, I love this new mayor

[MAN 1]
I’m starving, yo, newsstand guy, let me get a Snickers and a bag of chips

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
I’ll get you the closest thing, an Oh Henry! bar and a copy of XL Butts

[MAN 1]
They still make Oh Henry! bars?

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
No, and what does he want?

[MAN 2]
Oh, nothing from you, I’m gonna go buy a churro

[MAN 1]
You’re buying a what?
[MAN 2]
A churro, they smell delicious and that’s saying a lot considering I have active covid

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
You’re sure you want a churro, an unwrapped churro from a woman pushing a laundry cart, who’s holding it in her bare hands with a Starbucks napkin?

[MAN 2]
Look, I’m a grown drunk man and I want a churro to eat on the choo-choo ride home

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Very well then, thе dye is cast, oh, mole person, why don’t you tеll this gentleman what happens when you eat a churro from the subway?

[to the tune of “Some Enchanted Evening” from South Pacific]

[MOLE PERSON]
Some disgusting evening
You will buy a churro
A loose unpackaged churro
And then your butt will bleed
And somehow you’ll know
As soon as you chew
That an hour before you
A rat bit it too

(spoken)
[MAN 1]
Wait a second, mole people are real?

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Of course, they’re real, imagine how great that would be to live off the grid, no more endless texts or emails

[MAN 2]
What?

[to the tune of “If I Were a Rich Man” from Fiddler on the Roof]

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
If I were a mole man
Ya ba dibba dabba dibba dabba dibba dabba dum
All day long I’d drink a shoe of rum
If I were a mole person
We’d never have to work
Ya ba dibba dabba dibba dabba dibba dabba dum

[MOLE PERSON]
I used to drive an Amazon van
Living in a hole is such a better plan

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Now you feast on old, discarded ham
[NEWSSTAND GUY & MOLE PERSON]
If I were a filthy mole man

(spoken)

[MAN 2]
Oh, wow, was that the actual cast of Fiddler?

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
No, it’s just a lunch break at B&H Photo

[MAN 1]
Oh my God, there’s a woman on the tracks

[MAN 2]
Is that a ghost?

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
No, she was just fired from Sleep No More, now she wanders the tunnels

[MAN 1]
Is she okay?

[FIRED WOMAN]
Oh, I’m more than okay

[to the tune of “Bali Ha’i” from South Pacific]

I am high on bath salts
Every night, every day
In my mind, you three are demons
If you touch me I eat your face

(spoken)

[MAN 1]
Woah, this is crazy

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
I know, it’s like are you even allowed to do South Pacific anymore?

[FIRED WOMAN]
Wait, can you tell me where in the city we are?

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Oh, the worst part

[to the tune of “Skid Row (Downtown)” from Little Shop of Horrors]

[ALL]
We’re in midtown

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Where there’s no food at night

[ALL]
You’re in midtown

[MOLE PERSON]
Where police horses fight

[ALL]
You’re in midtown
Where the traffic lights are for show
The land of finance bros

(spoken)

[MAN 2]
Hey look, the subway train’s making its way into the station and it’s got something for everyone

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Did he have a lisp earlier?

[to the tune of “The Wells Fargo Wagon” from The Music Man]

[ALL]
Oh, the F local subway is a-coming down the tracks
So please, let it stop for me
Oh, the F local subway is a-coming down the tracks

[MAN 2]
It’s called the F because it’s effing me

[FIRED WOMAN]
I got bitten by a pigeon on my birthday

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
In March I got airborne HPV

[CHURRO WOMAN]
Once I sat directly on the needle

[MOLE PERSON]
Our new mayor said he fixed it but I just got stabbed

(spoken)

[STABBER]
Giuliani says hello

[TRAIN CONDUCTOR]
Uh, this is the F train, running on the Q tracks, skipping random stations when I feel like it

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
But wait, this train is empty except for one guy in a trenchcoat

[GUY IN A TRENCHCOAT]
That’s right, I cleared everyone out, you see

[to the tune of “Singin’ In The Rain” from Singin’ In The Rain]

I’m fapping on the train
Just fapping on the train
What a glorious feeling
I’m naked under here

(spoken)

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Conductor, can’t you just close the doors?

[TRAIN CONDUCTOR]
I would if Evan Hansen would move his backpack

[to the tune of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” from Dreamgirls]

[EVAN HANSEN]
And I am telling you
I’m not moving my backpack

(spoken)

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
That’s from a different musical with Jennifer Hudson

[EVAN HANSEN]
Stop bullying me!

[FIRED WOMAN]
I gotta get that guy on bath salts

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
And look out on the floor of the train there’s also a puddle of unidentifiable origin

[to the tune of “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Misérables]

[PUDDLE]
I am the liquid on the floor
Am I pee or Mountain Dew?
Don’t worry I’m flowing towards the door
Just kidding I’m gonna touch your shoe

(spoken)

[GUARDIAN ANGELS]
Stop right there

[MAN 2]
Emily in Paris?

[GUARDIAN ANGELS]
No, we’re the guardian angels and if you’re looking for a fight you’re gonna go through us, easy

[JESUS]
Oh, really? I’m possibly the real Jesus Christ, wearing my famous New York Islanders beer helmet and if you want this subway you’ll have to kill me again first

[MOLE PERSON]
Oh my God, it’s all happening

[JESUS]
Just as the oracle predicted

[to the tune of “Superstar” from Jesus Christ Superstar]

[ALL]
Jesus Christ on the subway car
The helmet doesn’t track with what we know so far
Jesus Christ wearing Crocs
Why does she have a spider in a box
Jesus Christ, she’s pretty drunk
[?] and churros for everyone
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Feasting on churros in paradise
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Jesus, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Jesus, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus Christ

Podcast Set

Phil… John Mulaney

[Starts with a bunch of guys at the office laughing]

Andrew: It’s not gonna be the same working here without you, Phil.

Phil: I’m gonna miss you guys.

Mikey: Truly sucks you’re getting fired just ’cause people can’t take jokes anymore.

Phil: I guess I should’ve just deleted my old podcast the moment I got the promotion.

Andrew: It’s just not fair. So now we can’t even use the N word to describe people anymore?

James: Guess not.

Kyle: Well, uh, we all chipped in and, uh, we got you something, Phil.

[Starts the commercial of small toy podcast set]

Female voice: Introducing the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Now you can shout every crazy thought in your head without ruining your life. It doesn’t record anything at all.

Phil: Wait. I probably shouldn’t podcast anymore. I promised my bitch wife that I’d–

Mikey: Phil, we’re white guys. We need to be able to say every dumb thing into a microphone and not get in trouble.

Kyle: It’s just how God made us.

Female voice: The new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys comes with a mic, headphones, and a soundboard that doesn’t record [bleep].

[Cut to Phil doing his podcast]

Phil: Welcome back to “The Mind Dojo.” I’m Phil, and we got a ton of stuff to get into today.

Female voice: Plus, a battery life of three hours, minimum, so you and your inflatable cohost can rant about everything you want, like sports.

Phil: I mean, when you think about it, I’m blacker than Colin Kaepernick.

[Phil presses a button.]

Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. That’s so funny, man.

Female voice: Entertainment.

Phil: If there was a show called “Whiteish”, the left would lose their minds.

[Phil presses another button]

Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. You’re so right, totally.

Female voice: And science.

Phil: Sorry, Big Pharma. I’m not just gonna put some crap in my body without doing my own research first. Anyway, today’s podcast is sponsored by Diamond Hog Male Enhancement Gummies. Look, guys, I don’t know what’s in this stuff, but it works. If you want to get as hard as a diamond–

Heidi: What the hell are you doing?

Phil: It’s not what you think.

Heidi: You promised we wouldn’t podcast any more.

Phil: This is the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. It doesn’t record.

Heidi: FisherPrice? So it’s a toy?

Phil: Yep, and I can say whatever I want now, and I can never get canceled. Even the Nword.

Heidi: Why do you need to do that?

Phil: Because if I don’t, they win.

Heidi: Who’s they?

Phil: All of them! We can’t let them beat us.

Heidi: Wait. Is that camera on?

[Phil is actually streaming live]

Phil: Yes.

Heidi: So you are recording this.

Phil: Just for my livestream.

Heidi: Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.

Phil: How else am I supposed to get donations, Sharon?

Female voice: New FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Get yours wherever tactical gear is sold. Ages 34 and up.