Tag: Aidy Bryant

Cut for Time: Harry Styles Sketch

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

English Kevin… Will Ferrell

[Starts with SNL stage]

Announcer: Last week’s episode featured host and musical guest Harry Styles. As usual, there were several sketches cut for time, including one scene that was particularly heartbreaking because only Harry Styles could have played the part. Or so we thought. Will Ferrell, always competitive, said, “If Harry Styles can do it, so can I. After all, I was doing sketch comedy when Harry was just a fetus in his mom’s butt.” Thus, the sketch was rescued and given a second life. This… is that sketch.

[Cut to three girls talking in a school canteen]

Aidy: Hey, girlfriends. Did you hear about this new hottie boom-body who transferred to our school from England?

Cecily: Wow, a hot English teen? Sign me up.

Kate: Sign me up as well. If he’s half as hot and teenage as you say he is, I’m going to be sliding right off this small chair.

Aidy: Oh, trust me. He is. His body is smooth and young like a baby seal, but with abs.

Cecily: But, can he sing? I need a boy who can sing.

Kate: Yeah, and if he sings, he better dance too.

Aidy: Girlfriends, you are in luck. He sings like an angel and he dances like the devil himself.

Kate: Oh-oh! Clean up on aisle my pants.

Aidy: Shh! Girlfriends, here he comes.

[music playing]

[English Kevin walks in]

English Kevin: Hello, hey. It’s me, the new kid.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Oh, my god. He’s the ultimate dream machine.

Kate: You weren’t kidding about his body.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Who, me? Don’t look at me. I’m shy.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: I can’t believe he’s still in school and not modeling full time.

Kate: Wait, someone say something before I get pregnant just looking at him.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Hey, what’s your name?

English Kevin: English Kevin. I’m from London. England that is.

Kate: I love exotic men.

Cecily: I know, his hot English accent is driving me crazy.

Aidy: Okay, quick, say, “Fancy a cup of tea my sweet.”

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Fancy a tea of sweet you cup?

[Cut to the three girls]

Kate: Wow, sexy and smart.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Um, this many.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: I think he means 17.

Kate: Wow, which means he’s legal. Okay, jackpot!

[Cut to English Kevin licking ice-cream]

English Kevin: Don’t look at me. Let me eat my soft, soft ice-cream.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! That’s good.

Aidy: Yeah, very hot! And good.

Kate: Is Gwyneth Paltrow operating a website in my pants? Because they’re full of goop.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Oops! Did I make a little mess?

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Um, and I love all his sexy tattoos. Tell us about them English Kevin.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: This one’s a dolphin which is a friendly shark. This one’s a horse with a sword on his head. These are extinct except in my dreams. And this is a Chinese character meaning tattoo.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Wow, are we at a sea food restaurant? Because I’ve got a steamed clam.

Kate: English Kevin, will you do a cool skateboard trick for us?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Um, I don’t think I should because English Kevin just had knee surgery. And his kids– I mean friends are worried about him.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Ooh! Is that a text message from one of your thousands of girlfriends?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Nope. That’s just a reminder for English Kevin to take his lip to talk.

[Cut to the three girls]

Kate: Then, sing us a song and do us a dance.

Cecily: Yeah, we know you have something prepared.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Yeah, sure. I’m just having a little trouble breathing because my hip clothes are so tight. But, here it goes. Two, three, four.

[Cut to everybody]

[dancing and singing horribly]

Baby you light up my world like nobody else

The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell
You don’t know, oh oh
You don’t know you’re beautiful

[English Kevin jumps and tears his pants]

Ah! My fashion jeans! Oh! F-ing S-word! You all see my D-word, and my B-spot!

[Cut to the three girls pretending they’re closing their eyes]

Aidy: Oh, but don’ worry. We won’t look.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Please, nobody look at my D-word. I brought it from England with me. And I call it Big-Ben.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Oh! Because it’s big like the clock tower?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: No, because it’s pretty messed up like Ben Roethlisberger.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: English Kevin, I think you’re gonna fit in just fine just around here.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Cheeky! But seriously, this is Will talking. I need help getting up and my thing is out.

Cut for Time: Cast List

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Caspar… Mikey Day

Pri… Cecily Strong

Myles… Kyle Mooney

Tyson… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Koneg… Will Farrell

Tabby… Ego Nwodim

Camdan… Bowen Yang

Trinity… Kenan Thompson

Tech director… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of actors waiting for the cast list]

Beth: Oh my god! I can’t wait any longer. I have to know if I’m the musical.

Caspar: I know. This is like, the latest Mr. Koneg ever posted the cast list. Like, last year, Gospel was up at like, 10.

Pri: You’re so good in Gospel.

Caspar: I know.

Myles: What if I just like, ran right through this door?

[everybody laughing]

Caspar: That’s hilarious. [Cut to Caspar and Pri] I hope I get to play Conorad Birdie.

Pri: Oh! You know you will. You’re the most talented male in the department.

[Cut to everybody]

Caspar: You really think so?[walking around]

Tyson: Oh, yes! I could never do what you’re doing right now.

Aidy: Okay, I just hope I get to play a person in this show, because I already played a dog in “Annie and the Dog”, and a foot in “The beauty and the beast.”

Pri: Yeah, but you’re so good at playing parts with no lines.

Aidy: Yeah!

[The director, Mr. Koneg, comes in. The actors stay quiet.]

Mr. Koneg: I see the sharks are circling boat.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Ha-ha-ha. So funny, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Shut up Beth.

[Cut to the actors]

Pri: Mr. Koneg, is the cast list done?

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: [sigh] No. Just wanted to inform you all we will be using Hamilton casting rules for this show. So, any race for any part, unless of course, it strikes me as weird. Also, don’t read too much into this, but one senior girl is going to be very disappointed.

[Mr. Koneg looks at Beth and walks out.]

[Cut to the actors]

Beth: Oh my god! I knew it. Mr. Koneg hates me.

Aidy: Don’t be too loud, because I think he likes to watch us spin out through the masks in the door.

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

[Cut to the actors]

Caspar: Beth, if you don’t get a good part, I don’t even want to do the show. I mean, I have to do it to my senior show, and I’m definitely going to do it no matter what. But still, I’m sorry.

[Mr. Koneg comes in again.]

Mr. Koneg: Miles, would you kiss a girl with tongue if the role required it? I know your family is that difficult kind of Christian.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Um, I need to pray on that, see what god leads me to.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god I need an answer now.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, then, yes sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god, gracias. Pri and Tyson, stand next to each other.

[Pri and Tyson walk forward and stand next to each other]

Tyson: Is this good sir? Your hair looks great by the way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Oh! You’re going to kiss my ass, at least tell me how it tastes.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Sorry sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: You read like such virgins. Aren’t you dating? Have you not gone all the way?

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Pri: Um, no comments.

Tyson: We’re working up to it sir. We’re currently at her jeans on, my jeans and underwear off, my shirt off, her shirt and usually jacket on.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: So, you’re naked and she is fully clothed.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson nodding yes.]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Your homework before home week is to bang each other’s brains out. And don’t know if you did it, by the way, you carry yourselves.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Absolutely.

Pri: Whatever it takes.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, can I see you stand like a mayor?

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Oh, my god! The mayor has two lines. This is not happening. No!

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, mayor stands! Meme suspenders please!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: [crying] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Hmm, thank you. Tabby, do you want a leading role?

[Cut to Tabby]

Tabby: Um, I don’t know. I’ll carry either way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: And that’s why you’ll get one. Caspar!

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Conorad Birdie is an Elvis type. Sing something like you’ve bedded one thousand women.

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes!

[singing]

There goes the baker with his tray like always

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Koneg: Stop! God! You’re talented.

[Cut to Beth smiling at Mr. Koneg]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: By the way, the show is canceled.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again.]

Everybody: Aw! What? [Cut to the actors]

Aidy: Guys, no matter happens, we all did a great job.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg walking in with a list]

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg is walking slowly. The actors are trying to look at the list. Mr. Koneg is going to put the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Oopsie! I forgot some tape.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again with the list with him]

Everybody: Oh! No!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Guys, if I got the mayor role, I’ll probably get out of school.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg walks in with a list again.]

Mr. Koneg: [looking at Camdan] Mr. Mayor!

Everybody: Oh!

[Mr. Koneg sticks the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Back up please!

Caspar: What are you doing?

Mr. Koneg: First it must be initiated by choreographer.

[Trinity walks in]

Everybody: Trinity!

Mr. Koneg: Shh!

[Cut to everybody. Trinity checks the list and walks towards the actors.]

Trinity: [looking at Beth] I’m sorry.

Everybody: No! Oh my god!

[The actors try to look at the list]

Mr. Koneg: [covering the list] Ah-ah-ah! Please! And our tech director.

[Cut to the tech director walks in and checks the list]

Tech Director: This is going to be a bitch to like, but I was promised new gel. So, um, stay tuned.

Mr. Koneg: Well, here is your meet.

[Mr. Koneg walks out. The actors rush to look at the list.]

Caspar: Oh, my god! He double cast it? We each only get to do one night?

Everybody: What? No!

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

Mr. Koneg: Yes! Gorgeous sweet chaos!

Cinema Classics: The Wizard of Oz

Reese DeWhat… Kenan Thompson

Aunt Emma… Aidy Bryant

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Hunk… Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Dr. Pickens… Will Farrell

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Announcer: You’re watching “Cinema Classics” on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to “Cinema Classics.” I’m your host Reese De’What. Tonight we take a closer look at the beloved 1939 film, “The wizard of OZ.” And recently discovered never before seen alternative ending. Why did they film this ending? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she learned in her exercise class, and I said, “acceptance?” Worst couple’s balloon ride ever. Let’s take a look now at the alternate ending in which Dorothy wakes up to find out that her adventures in OZ were all a dream.

[Cut to the movie. The house is falling down.]

[Cut to Dorothy dreaming]

Aunt Emma: Wake up, Dorothy.

Dorothy: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

Aunt Emma: Dorothy, Dear, It’s aunt Emma, darling.

Dorothy: Auntie Em, it’s you.

Aunt Emma: You’ve got quite the bump on the head. We thought we might lose you for a moment.

Dorothy: Oh, but I did go. I left. And I tried to get back for days and days.

Aunt Emma: Well, there, there. You just had a bad dream.

[Hunk and two other men walk in]

Hunk: Remember me, your old pal Hunk?

Mikey: What about me?

Beck: You couldn’t forget my face, could you?

Dorothy: No, but it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you were there and you were there. And you and you were a lion and a tin man, and a scarecrow.

[A dwarf walks in. He is Dr. Pickens.]

Dr. Pickens: And what about me? Was I there? Was I in your dream?

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Dr. Pickens.

Aunt Emma: Yes, doctor. Thanks for coming to check on Dorothy.

Dr. Pickens: She seems fine. So, was I in your dream?

Dorothy: I’m trying to remember.

[Other dwarfs walk in]

Kyle: And what about us?

Bowen: Yeah!

Chris: Yeah!

Maya: Were we in the dream?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Well, I mean, everyone was in the—Hey, where’s breakfast?

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What was in the dream? Was I a doctor there, too?

Dorothy: Does it really matter what everybody was?

Chris: What about me? Was I also a teacher?

Kyle: And was I a lawyer?

Dr. Pickens: Tell me what I was.

Dorothy: Okay, well, um, actually, you were a mayor.

Dr. Pickens: Really? A mayor? Of where? New York, Chicago?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: I’d love to move off the dream stuff, but if you’re insisting it was— Munchkinland.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: Munchkinland?

Bowen: What were we, funny little weirdos?

Dr. Pickens: To make you laugh?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, no. Not at all.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What were we wearing?

Dorothy: What?

Dr. Pickens: [Yelling] What were we wearing?

Dorothy: Well— [Dorothy looks at her dolls]

[Cut to the baby dolls]

Kyle: Oh, my god. [Cut to the dwarfs] When you close your eyes that’s how you see us? As your little nightmare baby dolls?

[Cut to Dorothy]
Dorothy: No, no! You were all heroes in your own small ways.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: I wish the tornado had killed you.

Aunt Emma: Doctor!

Dr. Pickens: Sorry, but I’m mad as hell.

Kyle: Me, too.

Bowen: So mad! [They all start dancing] Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: This is the exact dance you did in the dream.

Aunt Emma: That’s pretty adorable.

Chris: So, we just dance for your amusement?

Dr. Pickens: Like fools?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, no, you danced on the grave of the lady I killed. [Cut to everybody] That was your job as part of lollipop. Guild.

Maya: So, we owned a lollipop factory?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, you just kind of held them, kissed them and rode them. Around like little horses.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Kyle: Oh, my god. So these lollipops–

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Were bigger than your head? Yes. It’s more dignified than it sounds. The munchkins, you see, were a noble race.

[Cut to Kyle and Bowen]

Bowen: Race?

Dorothy: I can’t help what I dreamed. [Cut to Dorothy] There were all sorts of creatures there.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Creatures?

Dorothy: Yeah, like flying monkeys.

Kyle: So we’re on the same level as an airborne chimp.

Dorothy: I’m so sorry. I know this all sounds strange, but you were a very important part of the adventure.

Maya: So, we were with you the whole way?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, I kind of peaced out to the woods with my dog and I think maybe saw that one of you had hanged yourself?

[Cut to Dr. Pickens]

Dr. Pickens: And what did you do about it?

[Cut to Dorotny]

Dorothy: Um, goodnight.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Let’s get our of here. Your house is a dump, by the way.

[Cut to Dorothy pretending to sleep]

[Cheers and applause]

Airline Pilots

Captain Hitnart… Mikey Day

First Officer Newton… Harry Styles

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Hitnart: Good afternoon folks. This is captain Hitnart in the flight Deck, joined by first officer Newton.

Newton: Howdy, folks.

Hitnart: We reached our cruising altitude, so I’m going to go head and turn off the fasten the seat-belt sign. Computer saying we’ll have you in San Francisco just a hair past 3. For now, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. Thanks for flying, Jet Blue. [Captain turns off the mic and they start talking to each other.] So, as I was saying, I need to get laid. I’m very backed up.

Newton: Me too. These pipes be clogged sir. I saw an old Scooby Do episode on the airport TV and Daphne was getting me hot.

Hitnart: Oh, yeah. You know what? I’ll bet Velma had a tight little body under that big sweater, right?

Newton: You bet she does.

[Cut to the passengers listening to their conversation]

Hitnart: You know Velma and Shaggy were banging. Imagine Scooby at the end of the bed watching. [Speaking like Scooby-Doo] “Raggy, what are rooing?” [Speaking like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo] “Uh, nothing, Scoob. Me and Velma are just wrestling.”

Newton: God, I need to get laid.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: What the hell are they talking about?

[Cut to the cockpit. Bowen Yang comes in.]

Bowen: Yeah, hi, please stop talking. Your intercom button’s still on and the passengers heard all of that.

Hitnart: Oh, thank you. Dammit! Uh, hey, folks. On behalf of Jet Blue, I’d like to apologize for the adult chat you just heard. A button on our intercom broke. Just one of the many small electronic problems you run into on a very old plane like this.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: A very old plane?

[Cut to the cockpit. Bowen Yang comes in.]

Bowen: All right, calling the plane old didn’t go over well with the passengers. You might want to settle their nerves.

Newton: Oh, man, thanks. You’re an A+ flight attendant.

Bowen: I’m not a flight attendant, I’m a sky liaison.

Hitnart: Okay.

Newton: Here, I’ll take this one.

Hitnart: Okay.

Hitnart: Howdy, gang. First officer Newton here. This plane is just fine. We spoke with an engineer at the Apple Bees Bar right before the flight, and he said this plane is good for a few more trips.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: They were at the bar? These perverts were drinking?

Aidy: Hey, not as much as me, ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: Hey, folks, just realized that bar comment might have made you think we were drinking before the flight. No, sir-ree. I do not drink. It messes with all the medications I’m on.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Oh, my god. We’re going to die. And you, [Taling to the puppy] you are doing jack ass to make me feel better.

Aidy: Hey, lady, you’re freaking screaming.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: How are you not freaking out right now?

Kenan: Because I took xanax baby, I’m hakuna matata.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: Anyway, we want to tell you about Jet Blue’s featured in flight movie.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Why do they keep saying Jet Blue? This is not Jet Blue flight. B

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: This month’s featured movie is Teen Comedy Book Smart. Fun for the whole family.

Newton: Maybe not the whole family. There’s some lesbian stuff in there, but I don’t think you see them going down on each other or anything. Whoa, whoa! I shouldn’t have said going down, cause it might make you think of the plane going down. Which it won’t, until we land safely in San Diego.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: But, this plane is supposed to go to San Francisco. Baby, give me a Xanax.

Kenan: I wish I could, but no.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: All right, that’s it from the flight deck. So, sit back, relax and sit back. Sit black? What dows that mean? Sit black. Sit there and start rapping in your seat or something like—[Cut to Kenan and Ego acting confused] Sorry if that was racially insensitive. I did not mean it that way. [Cut to cockpit] You know what, from now until Christmas, nonwhites fly free on Jet Blue. That’s not real. I just made that up. So, sit black—Whoa, said it again. Book smart! Enjoy the flight. Oh, okay. Looks like we’ve got some choppy air. [Cut to the passengers] Go ahead and turn on the fasten the seatbelt sign. Yep, there you go.

[The plane is facing turbulence]

[Cut to the passengers]

Ego: Oh, my god!

Kenan: Hakuna matata, baby!

Childbirth Class

Janelle… Aidy Bryant

Amy… Melissa Villaseñor

Mikey Day

Heather… Ego Nwodim

Donald… Chris Redd

Disa… Heidi Gardner

Magnus… Harry Styles

[Starts with a child birth class. There is a guide and three pregnant couples.]

Janelle: Okay, welcome to child birth class. My name is Janelle. [Cut to Janelle] I’m here as a guide through this very special time. Please feel free to share anything. This safe place.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Amy: I’ll start. Hi, I’m Amy and honestly, my body feels like a mess. My body feels completely different.

Mikey: Oh, honey, you’re doing great.

[Cut to Heather and Donald]

Heather: Hi, I’m Heather. Lately I don’t recognize myself in the mirror.

Donald: Babe, you look beautiful.

Heather: Donald, don’t.

Donald:

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: And, Disa and Magnus, how are you doing?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Oh, hi. I guess I’m like these women said, I’m feeling, how do you say in English? Cute.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: You said you’re feeling cute?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: Sorry. She learned English on Instagram. She’s been feeling, how you say, sexy as hell, so to say.

Disa: Oh, yeah. Sorry, I said cute when I meant sexy as hell.[Cut to all three couples] My sisters, we are the same. I love you.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: So where are you guys from?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: Iceland. Disa and I just arrived in America on lip syncing visas.

[Cut to all three couples]

Mikey: What are lip syncing visas?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: You know, the lip syncing. To do an example.

[Disa covers her mouth and sings as Magnus tries to lip sync.]

Disa: I can’t feel my face when I’m with, you but I like it.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Wow. Very talented. Dads, how is the pregnancy going for you guys?

[Cut to all three couples]

Mikey: I’m kind of scared. Will I even be a good dad?

Donald: I feel you. Don’t know if I’m ready for this.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: For sure, my dudes. The struggle is real. Mostly I’ve been snowboarding every day and watching my wife get hotter. Eating Godiva Truffles and making mega gains at the gym. Ready to father. Ready to raise a genius. Maximum effort. Sky’s the limit on dadding.

[Cut to all three couples]

Donald: Dadding?

Mikey: Yeah. Not where I’m at, at all.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: It sounds like everyone is in different places. Have you been getting exercise? Fresh air?

[Cut to all three couples]

Heather: I used to do yoga four times a week but now just walking up the stairs is hard.

Amy: I’m like, is this even my body? I want to lay down all the time.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Oh, yeah! My girls, I feel you. Lucky I have really easy exercise for pregnant. [Disa stands and shows her exercise] So, have you tried? Have you tried? Have you, have you, have you tried? Have you? Ma, ma, ma, have you tried?

[Cut to all three couples]

Heather: No.

Donald: You could try it.

Heather: Donald, you’re in the danger zone.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Okay, guys. Now, let’s talk intimacy.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Amy: We don’t have that.

Mikey: Yeah, because you can’t have sex this far along.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Well, actually—

Amy: No, [Cut to Amy and Mikey] you can’t.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Us too but we find other ways to connect. What is it called? When he, how you say, slide inside?

[Cut to three couples]

Heather: Sex?

Disa: Yes.

Magnus: Our favorite. The sessions are long and wife is very pleased. Have my dudes tried this?

[Disa and Magnus are preparing to show the other couples something]

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Oh! You don’t to have demonstrate it.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus joining their butts]

Magnus: Have you tried?

Disa: Have you tried?

Magnus: Have you tried, my dudes?

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Okay, you guys. You’ve shared a lot. So, let’s open it up to the rest of the group.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Ow, ow, it hurts.

Magnus: Do you want to tell her? Tell her.

Disa: Okay. Safe space, right?

[Cut to three couples]

Heather: Until today.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: I’ve been gaining lots of weight in my butt but it’s not like fat. Magnus, what would you say is happening to my butt?

Magnus: Juice. Her butt is becoming very juicy. I like it so much.

Disa: Because what if I have the baby and my butt stops being juicy?

Magnus: Then it will go back to how it was before, like really fit and toned. It was like a little basketball butt.

Disa: But look how I have that butt. I don’t even know. [Cut to three couples. Disa looking at Heather] I never exercise. Ma’am? Afterbirth, what even is my butt?

Magnus: Let’s all exchange contact information so we can keep in informed after the birth.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Mikey: Informed on what your wife’s butt will be? I’m down.

[Cut to three couples]

Disa: And us girls, too. I want to send you pictures of the babies.

Amy: Wait. You’re having twins?

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Disa: Triplets.

Magnus: There’s three of my dudes in there.

[Cut to three couples. Heather is preparing to fight with Disa and Magnus.]

Heather: Now, I’m mad because I’m about to give birth in jail.

[Cheers and applause]

 

Funeral DJs

Aidy Bryant

Dad… Beck Bennett

Father… Mikey Day

Marcus… Harry Styles

Luke… Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a video clip of a church]

Aidy: It’s so hard, knowing that you’re gone, Nana. [Cut to inside the church at funeral.] But at least we know you’re in a better place. Right, dad?

Dad: Yeah, I love you, mom.

[Aidy and Dad leave]

Father: Well, it’s clear that Betty had a special place in all of our hearts. Now, as it says in the book of Psalms, praise the lord god with timbrel and dancing. So we would like to close out today’s ceremony with a musical tribute from Betty’s close personal friends, Marcus and Luke.

[Dance music starts playing with disco lights]

[Cut to the visitors of the funeral]

Aidy: What’s going on, dad?

Dad: I don’t know.

[Cut to the funeral casket. Two DJs come in making noise.]

Marcus: Yo, all right Meyer’s family. Time to turn up. Who’s ready to get sad today?

Luke: Who’s ready?

Marcus: How are we all doing tonight?

[Cut to Alex and Melissa]

Alex: Yes.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: I said, how we all doing tonight?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Everybody: Bad!

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Luke: Now, we all are on board.

Marcus: Let’s blow this place up. And celebrate the life of Betty Meyers. 89 years old.

Luke: R-R-Rest in peace, bitch.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: Excuse me?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: She had a full life, yo.

Luke: Full ass life.

Marcus: But she’s gone now. And you sad, get your ass up right now.

Luke: Get your sad ass up. Yo, let’s bounce.

[Music changes to ‘Say Something’ by Big World]

Song: Say something I’m giving up on you.

[The DJs take off their glasses]

[Cut to Alex and Melissa]

Alex: I’m very confused by all this.

Melissa: Me, too.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: It’s okay to feel confused.

Luke: Because your grandma’s dead.

[Dance music stars playing]

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Aidy: What is this?

Melissa: I don’t know. But I kind of like it.

Dad: I don’t. And it is my mom. Who are these guys?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: We are funeral DJs. I thought that was obvious. Now we’ve got a question for you all.

Luke: H-H-How you holding up?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Alex: Get that laptop off my Nana’s casket, you jackass.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: Can’t do that. But I can ask you to follow us under the Facebook name DJ Casket!

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Aidy: Wait, now I’m more confused. Is your name DJ Casket or DJ Casket Twins?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: We only say this one more time. We are DJ Casket.

Luke: Twins..

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: How the hell are you guys twins?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

[The music changes to Sarah McLachlan – In the arms of an angel]

Marcus: You know, even though Betty is not here, doesn’t mean she’s not around. \

Robot voice: She in heaven smoking blunts.

[Dance music starts playing again]

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Melissa: Nana smoked blunts? That’s cool.

Aidy: Father Daigle, why are you doing this to us?

Alex: Get these guys out of here.

[Cut to Father, Marcus and Luke]

Father: Look, please remember that these guys were close personal friends of your mom’s.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: [In angry voice] And how do you know that?

[Cut to Father, Marcus and Luke]

Father: Because that’s what they said. Do these guys look like liars?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Dad: Yes, they said they were twins.

Melissa: I don’t know. I think these guys are kind of cool.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: All right. Before we bring this home, Scott is going to come around for the tithes and offerings.

[Cut to the people at funeral. There’s a man wearing funky dress and asking for offerings]

Pete: Hey, what’s up? We appreciate the money that jingles, but we love the money that balls.

Aidy: Who are you?

Pete: I’m the official manager of DJ Casket. Look, I know you’re sad today. But the good news is, heaven’s got brand new ho.

Aidy: What?

Melissa: Go grandma.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus:  All right. Let’s bring it home. And remember–

[Music changes to R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts]

Marcus: [Singing]

Don’t let yourself go

coz…

[Music changes to C+C Music Factory – Gonna Make You Sweat]

Song: Everybody dance now!

[Marcus and Luke open their pants. They’re wearing underwear with ‘RIP Betty’ written on them.]

Marcus: Rest in peace, Betty.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Aidy: Dad, why are you crying?

Dad: Because mom would have actually liked this.

Joan Song

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Steve… Kyle Mooney

Doug… Harry Styles

[Starts with Joan sitting on a sofa]

[Music playing]

Joan: Hi, I’m Joan and I currently live alone

in a small nice home

nobody calls me on the telephone

so, it’s me and just me

I used to live with my boyfriend Steve

but Steve chose to leave

because he found me boring and additionally he was Cheating on me

but I’ll be okay

I found a new guy I like better anyway

he’s hot, oh, he’s hot

He likes my body and my personality a lot

[Joan is carrying a Chihuahua]

My dog is my boyfriend

we are in love

he’s a 12-pound Chihuahua

found him on the street and I named him Doug

Doug I love you

I love you big fat neck

Doug is my new boyfriend

don’t worry we don’t have sex

Doug likes romance

Once I showed him pictures of Paris, France

Doug, we just kiss

we talk for hours then I take him out to piss

he watches me while I get ready

then we share a bowl of meatballs and spaghetti

OH, Doug, how I wish you could speak

Even for a moment just to make a squeak

I think I know what you’d say

but I like to imagine it anyway

[The Chihuahua grows to a human being (Harry Styles)]

(Doug) Harry Styles: Joan I love you

I love the way you feed me ham

You’re my life, my love, my everything.

I love you just the way you am

The taste of your bathroom garbage

sends me into overdrive

I’m terrified of vacuum’s

but you’re the most gorgeous woman alive

Joan and Doug: We are in love we are in love

until our dying day

[Cut to Joan in her room singing]

Joan: You are so cool and so funny

in every single way

[Cut to Doug and Joan]

Both: I get to stars we kiss the sky

and together we’ll live forever

Doug: Joan I have to go back.

Joan: No, why?

Doug: They said could I only be a man of an hour.

Joan: But who said that?

Doug: God, and his friends.

Joan: Fine, if that’s how it has to be.

Doug: But wait, before I go I have to tell you something.

Joan: Anything.

Doug: I ate two of your socks and three pairs of your underwear. It’s caused a blockage in my intestines and it will cost you $8,000. I’m sorry Joan.

Joan: It’s okay Doug, you’re worth it.

[With all the lightnings, Doug changes back to a Chihuahua]

Joan: Doug I love you

You love me too that’  know

You’re not just my boyfriend

to me you’re the best in show

I love you, Doug

Weekend Update Smokery Farms Responds to the Plant-Based Burger Boom

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Vaneta Starkie… Aidy Bryant

Wylene Starkie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Burger King reportedly had it’s best sales in four years because of the new impossible whooper which is made from a meat free, plant based patty. Here to respond, are owners of Smokery Farms Meat Gift delivery service, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie.

[Vaneta and Wylene Starkie come in]

Vaneta Starkie: We’re cousins. We’re cousins.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, guys. Has the impossible burger hurt sales of real meat?

Wylene Starkie: Well, it ain’t helping, Colin. Okay? This computer beef that bleeds like the real thing is killing us.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: Yes, plus more and more folks are going vegan because they see videos of cute smart animals on videos like new born piglet and Joey’s bath.

Wylene Starkie: Or genius goat blows kisses at grandma.

Vaneta Starkie: But at smoker farms we solved that problem by serving meat from animals that are individually verified to be stupid, bad, rude and talent-free.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah! Now, you want to see the meat gifts, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: The meat gifts? No, I’m okay. No! Oh, you brought them.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yeah. Look at this beautiful bounty.

[Cut to a basket of meat Vaneta and Wylene Starkie have.]

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: This cow chased an old lady into a pond. And she later passed away. Not from that, but it didn’t help. And now, he’s burger.

Wylene Starkie: Now, did you ever hear the duck who befriended a blind boy. Well this is his brother. A duck that ran around with his thing hanging out. You ever see a duck thing, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: Duck thing, no I haven’t.

Vaneta Starkie: Oh, it looks like a drain snake. [Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie] Go ahead and eat his wings and celebrate his demise.

Wylene Starkie: Now, you know, people say that pigs are highly intelligent animals. Capable of puzzles and simple math. Well, we found this one eating turds. Just slopping ‘em up like spaghetti, looking us right in the eye, like, “You like what you see?”

Vaneta Starkie: But hey, if you still feel too sad to eat something with a fuzzy face, take a half step and go pescatarian with our coast taster basket.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

[They bring a basket of fish in]

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Oh, yum, look at these dead little swimmers. Oh, Colin, look at that. Look at the sheen on there.

Colin Jost: Yeah! I see the sheen, yeah.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Well, good, that’s how you know it’s wet.

Vaneta Starkie: And you know our fish got good flavor because it glistens and it stinks.

Wylene Starkie: Hey, listen. Fish are barely animals, okay? They’re stupid and I’ll tell you, they can’t even hug. Like this Alaskan King crab here, who refused to wear a condom because he says it messes with his flow. Now, go ahead and funk his ass in butter and suck the meat out.

Vaneta Starkie: This tender flounder is as flat as he thought the earth was.

Wylene Starkie: Now, this eel, he doesn’t go down. But it expects you to. Now, how does that work? Okay. Now you can eat his whole dang beautiful smelly body with a squeeze of lemon.

Vaneta Starkie: This oyster’s whole body is snot. And if you eat it, he makes you feel frisky.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Now, are you feeling frisky, Colin?

Vaneta Starkie: Are we kind of getting you hot over here, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I actually feel pretty sick.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, well that’s part of it, sweetheart.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, but none of these stories sound like they’re real.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, well, you a big fish boy, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, no!

Vaneta Starkie: You a cod licker?

Wylene Starkie: You cuckoo for cod, baby?

Vaneta Starkie: How about Michael Che?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: It’s so bad even for me.

Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.

[Cut to everybody]

For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Stargazing

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

Robert… Beck Bennett

Kristen Stewart

[Starts with five people on their stargazing hike.]

Mikey: All right, folks, I know the stargazing hike has been long.

Aidy: And fun as hell.

Alex: Yeah, we love this stuff.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And I love this energy. But hey, how about this view? Not bad, huh?

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: Oh, yeah, this is a beautiful spot. You can see so much of the sky.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Exactly. That’s what makes so special. You can see so many constellations out here. So, let’s check it out?

[An elderly couple comes near them]

Robert: Oh! What a marvelous view. I can already see some of my favorites.

Mikey: Wow, I didn’t know we had an astronomy buff in the group.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Robert was in the navy. He says he always loves to sleep on the deck under the stars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Wow, yeah, I bet that was quite the view.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Oh, it was. We saw so much in that night sky.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: Hey, can we see the big dipper from here?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, actually I was just about to point that out. Just follow my finger, guys.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Oh, my god, that’s amazing. I love the constellations.

Alex: Yeah, yeah, the universe is just so amazing.

Robert: And look here, young man. Let me show the little dipper.

Alex: Whoa. Very cool. Thank you, sir.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: If you look closely, you see that the two dippers teach the golden rule.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really, I’ve never heard that.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Aidy: Yeah, how did they teach the golden rule?

Robert: Golden rule, treat others how we would like to be treated, see?

[Cut to everybody]

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

And see, they’re servicing each other.

Mikey: Oh, my god. Is that—Is that supposed to be—

Robert: Double simultaneous oral.

Alex: Yes. Gross. The dippers aren’t doing that.

Kristen: Oh, yes, they are. And they have been ever since I was a girl.

Robert: Yeah, I mean what do they even teach kids anymore?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, definitely not that the dippers are servicing each other.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Boo, crude virgin.

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Alright, that’s enough with the dippers, I think.

Aidy: Yeah, yeah, why don’t we look at something else?

Mikey: Yeah, well, if you look here, I’ll show you the constellation Leo. You guys see the lion?

Kristen: Ah. Yes, yes. But if we look closer we can learn a valuable lesson here.

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

Robert: The greatest joy in life comes from helping a friend in need.

Mikey: Oh, my god. Come on, that’ disgusting.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Disgusting? Sucks to be his wife.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m not married.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Oh, I think I know why.

Kristen: You don’t go down. Am I right, ladies?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Oh, oh, no. We’re more like him than you, okay?

Robert: Oh, look. I see Scorpius right over here.

Mikey: Yes, that’s actually right. You guys see how it’s a scorpion?

Robert: Oh, I see much more than that.

Aidy: Oh, please don’t. This one’s my favorite.

Robert: Mine too, see? It teaches an important lesson about the strength of partnership.

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

Mikey: Is that—

Kristen: a man trying to reach himself, yes.

Mikey: What does that have to do with the strength of partnership?

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Because of no matter how hard a man tries, he’ll never be able to reach himself. For that kind of satisfaction, you need a partner.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Well, this sucks. Constellations are what I live for. And you horny old freaks have ruined it.

Alex: Yeah, you guys just look up at night and perv out on the stars?

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Well, that’s what they’re for.

Robert: You see, in our day there was no internet to satiate our horns.

Kristen: We had to project our fantasies onto the stars.

Robert: Yes, we’d go outside as a group and stare at the stars until everyone screamed.

Kristen: Sweet husband, I—I want to scream at the stars right now.

Robert: I want to help you scream at the stars.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: What the hell is happening? My god!

Mikey: Right here? No one wants to see that.

Rosie the Riveter

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Rosie the Riveter… Chloe Fineman

Donna… Heidi Gardner

Dot… Kate McKinnon

Norma… Kristen Stewart

Barb… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a caption “America at War!”]

[Cut to old black and white video clips of armies]

Narrator: While the men fight in Germany, [Cut to video clip of women working in factories] America’s women head to the factory to do their part.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking out of the door]

Mikey: Well, sir, I am honored you chose our factory to find the face of your new campaign.

Beck: Then we can do it poster reads a girl who embodies the ‘can-do’ spirit of America’s women.

Mikey: Well, these girls have that in spades. This is Rosie the Riveter.

[Cut to Rosie the Riveter]

Rosie the Riveter: Pleased to meet you, sir.

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Hmm. Rosie the Riveter. That’s got a nice ring to it.

Mikey: And here is Donna, a shell Shiner.

Donna: I shine them nice so that Germans see them coming.

Beck: Hmm, I like that spirit.

Mikey: And finally, we have our slug thumpers who do some of the heavier work.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: There we go.

Norma: Whoa, whoa.

Barb: Open this son of a bitch. Keep fighting me, bitch, keep fighting me. That one was for you, Sammy.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking to the heavy workers]

Mikey: Ladies, may I have your attention.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Cram it, you coward.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: Every day with this, ladies.

Dot: Why ain’t you over there killing Nazis, coward?

Norma: Any man is dungarees should be over there.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: I told you I had asthma and was deemed unfit.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: I got three sons over there fighting the krauts and one of them not more than 12 years old.

Norma: Yeah, you should be hanged.

Dot: Who is this fella?

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: I’m from the army’s public relations board. We’re producing a poster to encourage more women to come work in the factories.

Mikey: He’s looking for a model.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Ooh, well, then look no further, there’s three of us right here, sir. I’m Barb, Norma and Dot.

Norma: Is this poster like a nudie thing or what? Because that’s perfectly fine with us.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: No, no. it will be very classy.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Hey, if it helps boys overseas, I’ll take the twins out.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: You would not be nude, ladies.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: Look, if getting a look at our plumbing means our boys will put a few more krauts in the ground, I’ll drop trou. No problem.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: It will just be a normal pose with the slogan, “We can do it.” Any ideas?

[Cut to Rosie the Riveter and Donna]

Rosie the Riveter: Maybe something like this?

Donna: Or this?

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Say, those weren’t half bad.

Dot: Wait, wait! [Cut to three heavy workers] How about this? You’re gonna love it. Okay, wait! Imagine I’m Hitler, right?

Barb: I’m back here. And I got my cans out, smacking him and his stupid mustache pops right off.

Norma: And I’m the Statue of Liberty and I’ve got my jugs out.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: And that would go with the slogan, “We can do it?”

Barb: I mean, unless you got something better.

Beck: Remember, this poster is meant to encourage women to join the war effort.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Any woman who ain’t already doing her part is a coward and a traitor.

Dot: Just like him.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: Oh, stop it. My asthma is very serious.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: If they would just let us fight, the damage we could do.

Norma: I wish I was over there. I would find Hitler, I would strip him naked, march him across Poland with lucky strays up between his cheeks.

Dot: Yeah, yeah. I would take that Hitler and shove his head right up my ass until he was dead.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: What?

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: You know what I would do? I would shoot that Hitler eight times in the leg and then I would say, “You want one more?” And he would say, “Nein.” And I would say, coming right up. And bam! One more!

Norma: We got the job or what? Come on!

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: I’m on the fence. Just kidding. I’m not. I’m scared of you. I’m going with Rosie.

Mikey: I’m sorry, ladies, but keep up the good work.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: Would you mind holding this for a second? [Dot passes Mikey a hot metal ball]

Mikey: Sure. Ow!

Barb: Got you right, you coward.

Norma: You should be over there.

Dot: Do your part.

Mikey: Come on!

Barb: Coward!