Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update Stephanie Green on Conspiracy Theories

Colin Jost

Stephanie Greene… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Despite Joe Biden’s inauguration, millions of people still believe in the QAnon conspiracy theory. Here to help explain it is a member of QAnon. Please welcome, Stephanie Greene.

[Stephanie Greene slides in. She is a witch.]

Stephanie Greene: Hello. Very good to be here together.

Colin Jost: Yes. Well, thank you for being here, Stephanie. You said you’re a single gal from Ohio?

Stephanie Greene: Yes, that’s right. Normal gal. I work in an office for business. Coffee, pencils, the whole line.

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. And you’re a member of QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Oh, big time. Yes. Q all the way.

Colin Jost: And what is QAnon all about.

Stephanie Greene: Okay, listen. Have you heard this? QAnon says there is an underground ring of very bad people. They gather to undermine Trump and to steal elections and to eat children. I hear that and I’m like, “Wow, where?”

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, it’s a very disturbing theory. So, what do you do with QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Yes. We try to get to the bottom of things. This underground cabal, what’s the deal? Who is part of it? How do you get an invite? Is it reservations or is it open table? Are there enough? Are there enough children to go round? Do you eat them on sight or do you take them home? Are they dipping sauces so much? So much to uncover.

Colin Jost: Right, yeah. It sounds like you’re pretty focused on the eating children part of QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Oh, it’s terrible. Yeah. I gotta get down there to stop them. I will grab those children right out of their mouths and take them to my house. My house is made of candy. And then I’ll eat them. I men I kill them. How am I doing?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Not great. I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want to help children.

Stephanie Greene: No. I love children. All kinds. Girls, boys, barbecue, sour cream and onion, cool ranch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think you want to eat them. Like maybe, that you’re only on the QAnon to find out where that’s happening.

Stephanie Greene: Why? Do you know? You’re a Hollywood elite, yes? Is there an email list? Wink for yes.

Colin Jost: I’ve just never heard of that. I’m not sure you’re actually going to find children to eat with QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Okay. I’m kind of glad you said that. Because I’m starting to get worried it isn’t real. The things, they keep not happening. I guess I’m starting to feel like maybe the whole thing is little bit coo-coo-bana. You know?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you might be right.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Look, can I make a confession? This is going to come out of left field. I am a witch.

Colin Jost: No. Yeah, that has been clear this whole time.

Stephanie Greene: My name is Grismelda. I live in a candy house in New Hampshire. I roast and eat whole children. But Colin, these people– These people are weird. They think celebrities eat babies so their skin can look younger. That ain’t what it does, queens. [pointing at her face]

Colin Jost: I think you look great.

Grismelda: Oh. This whole thing has been such a waste of time, Colin. The other day, I Skyped with a guy named Robert Lee-E, who told me that Jessica Chastein is the devil and then he showed me his penis. He thinks Hunter Biden is a laptop. His daughters were crying in the background. It was so sad.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m very sorry I have to break it to you Grismelda, but QAnon isn’t real. None of it.

Grismelda: [sigh] I knew it. Well, at least I can get the vaccine now. I’m 400 years old. So…

Colin Jost: 400?

Grismelda: Yes. I guess I’ll go back to being a witch. It’s hard because the children, they don’t eat candy anymore. No, no. I tried to build the house out of beyond beef, and it fell and the wolves came. I don’t know what the kids eat now. What do they eat? I don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I have to ask. What do you eat when you can’t eat children?

Grismelda: Oh, dogs.

Colin Jost: Oh, common!

Grismelda: No, I’m kidding. Chipotle. I’m not a monster.

Colin Jost: Grismelda, everyone.

Weekend Update Mackenzie TaylorJoy on Valentines Day

Michael Che

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy… Lauren Holt

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Valentine’s day is tomorrow. And this year, couples are having to get creative with plans. Here with her tips is relationships expert and author of the book “If You’re Single, You’re Doing It Wrong”, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy.

[Mackenzie Taylor-Joy slides in]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Hey, Michael. So happy to share my expertise about love.

Michael Che: So, your advice is just for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Nothing against single people, but if I didn’t have a boyfriend for Valentine’s Day, I would lose it. Can you imagine? Anyway, St. V-day. [message alert] Oh, just got a text from Brandon, my lover. He always texts me the cutest things. Here, I’ll read it to you. “Hey Mackenzie, sorry to do it this way but…” [starts reading silently][breathing heavy]

Michael Che: Well, what did he say?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What did who say?

Michael Che: Your boyfriend. You were just going to read us text.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Oh, he just said that we’re dumped and that’s actually really good. [starts sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Do you want to stop?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What? No way, Mr. Che. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: Are you sure? Because weren’t you going to give us date ideas for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yes. People always think couple activities are meant for pairs, but who says you can’t ride a tandem bike alone? Ha-ha-ha. Specially if you’ve already rented one for tomorrow. You can just do front or back. You can put your bag on the other seat and just talk to yourself. That’s so fun. [sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. Mackenzie, are you good?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Never been better. In fact, I got another one for you. I actually booked an Air B&B up state this weekend and guess what? B&-be by myself, alone, in the woods where the sun goes down at 4PM and it gets dark forever and it’s gonna rock. [sobbing][while wiping tears, she spoils all her eye makeup.]

Michael Che: Oh. Mackenzie, you got some makeup under your eyes.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh yes, it’s highlighter. It’s Rihanna’s brand. Pon de Replay.

Michael Che: No, hey. Do you want to maybe look at a monitor over there?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: No, I know what I look like.

Michael Che: Do you?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yeah. I look like an idiot for saying you can have fun on Valentine’s day by yourself. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What am I doing to do? Eat dinner alone? How does that even work?

Michael Che: Mackenzie, things will turn around soon. I promise.

[message alert]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, it’s from Brandon. Oh my god, okay, listen, listen, listen. He said, “Hey, sexy. I dumped Mackenzie. Sorry, wrong number.” Dammit!

Michael Che: Relationship expert, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, what’s on my face?

Michael Che: That’s what I was trying to tell you.

Weekend Update Drunk Tom Brady on Super Bowl LV

Michael Che

Tom Brady… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael che in his set]

Michael che: This week the Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Kansas city Chiefs and became Super Bowl champions. Tom Brady won his 7th Super Bowl and took on his fifth Super Bowl MVP award. Needless to say he’s been having a good time celebrating. Here to comment is drunk Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady slides in]

Tom Brady: Brady! Brady! Brady! What’s up, Michael? Seven Super Bowl. What? That’s insane.

Michael che: Wow, you seem to be having a good time. This is a new side of Tom Brady.

Tom Brady: Dud! It’s coz I’ve been Tampin out. I’m a Florida, baby. Yeah. They got boat parades in water and sunshine and girls wearing these little bikinis. I’m not stuck in a freezer cold in Boston with the pilgrims and old man Belichick. Hear that, Bill? You’re not my dad anymore.

Michael che: You alright, Tom?

Tom Brady: Oh yeah, man. Life’s good. I’m my own man now. I’m free to go day drinking on my new boat and toss the lombardi trophy around without a care in the world.

Michael che: Yeah. I saw you throwing the Super Bowl trophy from one boat to another.

Tom Brady: Oh, yeah. That was awesome. I’ve been bringing this bad boy around me pretty much everywhere. [pulls out the trophy. The trophy is worn and torn.] Yeah, this is a little banged up but she still works. [opens a beer bottle with the trophy] Like that. Oops. Ha-ha-ha. It works so it cracked it right open. This stuff is good. I’m finally going around with thsi stuff.

Michael che: There may be some glass in there.

Tom Brady: Yeah, maybe. If you were surprised I would toss this bad boy around, but the trophy has got a football on it. And I’m a quarterback. So, it makes sense. Ha-ha. What else am I going to do? Punt it?

Michael che: Yeah. I don’t know bout that.

Tom Brady: Another trophy.

Michael che: Are you alright, Tom?

Tom Brady: I don’t know. I just won the Super Bowl. Probably going to win another one next year too. My problem is nobody likes me.

Michael che: No. Tom, man.

Tom Brady: I don’t know what I did so wrong. All I did was go out and win Super Bowl. I keep thinking that maybe one more trophy and people are gonna like me. No. Don’t talk about the wins. They just talk about how I kiss my son.

Michael che: Hey, look man, I get it. You know. You’ve had a lot of haters but don’t let them bring you down.

Tom Brady: Dude, I’m messing with you, Che. Ha-ha-ha. I don’t care. People can say whatever they want. I’m the best damn quarterback ever. I feel great. My wife is just Gisele. I only feel good.

Michael che: Drunk Tom Brady, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update TwinsTheNewTrend on Songs They’ve Never Heard Before

Michael Che

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s a new year and I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube and I saw these two young dudes react to Phil Collin’s “In The Air Tonight” for the first time. I was blown away by their positivity and the fact they’ve never heard “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collin. So, here to bring good vibes are TwinsTheNewTrend.

[Kenan and Chris slide in]

So, you two have a popular YouTube channel where you react to song you hear for the very first time like, “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Can’t Touch This” or “Jolene”.

Chris: Oh, Jolene! Dolly Parton. Off with that one, boy.

Kenan: Oh, man! It’s like a story. Jolene can take your man if she wants to.

Chris: Cut it out, Jolene. Stop.

Michael Che: And you two had never heard that song before that moment?

Chris: No. Was it popular?

Michael Che: Yes. Incredibly. Well, either way, I thought it would be fun to play some songs and hear your reaction for the first time.

Chris: No doubt.

Kenan: Let’s do this.

Michael Che: Alright. Here we go. Let’s play something.

[“I’ll be there for you” by The Rembrandts is playing. Kenan and Chris are shaking their heads and enjoying. They’ve never heard it before.]

Kenan: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Chris: Yo, yo, yo. Hold on. Stop. They say, “Your life is DOA.” Like, dead or alive? It’s good to have options.

Kenan: Nah! I think he talking about Dua Lipa, yo!

Chris: Oh, with that guitar hitting, that was crazy.

Michael Che: You never heard that song before? It was a theme to one of the biggest TV shows of all time on NBC.

Chris: NBC? What’s that? STD or something?

Michael Che: Okay, never mind. Let’s keep going.

[“Baby Shark” by Pinkfong is playing. Kenan and Chris are rocking their bodies. They’ve never heard it before.]

Kenan: Hold up. Hold up. Stop. Ay! Baby shark is wild!

Chris: Yo, baby like du-du-du-du?

Kenan: Why is that baby shark by himself?

Chris: Yeah. Tada baby shark. Go home, baby.

Michael Che: So, that song has almost 8 billion views on YouTube and that’s the first time you ever heard of it?

Chris: Sure, but honestly, it’s the first time I’m hearing about baby sharks. Like, that’s crazy. I thought they were born full grown sharks.

Michael Che: Alright. Let’s try this one.

[Meow Mix commercial is playing. Kenan and Chris are dancing around. They’ve never heard it before.]

Chris: OH, hold on. No, they didn’t. No, they didn’t. Yo, no they didn’t do it.

Kenan: Yo! I didn’t even know that cats can get happy like that.

Chris: No, bro.

Kenan: They all sound sarcastic to me.

Chris: I’m not even a cat dude, but that was hot.

Michael Che: It’s also one of the most popular jiggles ever. It was a huge commercial.

Kenan: What’s a commercial? Like, a UFO?

Chris: Man!

Michael Che: I don’t know. Look, where have you guys been? Okay, try this.

[The nursery song of English alphabets “A-B-C…Z” is playing.]

Chris: Oh! Oh no!

Kenan: Hold up! Damn!

Chris: That’s so hot.

Kenan: Yo! I have never heard letters lined up before. That is crazy.

Chris: Yo, I wanna see how it ends, dawg.

Michael Che: With Z. It ends with Z.

Kenan: Oh, that’s fresh.

Chris: Yo, all can actually hear that.

Kenan: Word.

Michael Che: Hold on. Try this.

[SNL intro music is playing. Kenan and Chris are shaking their heads.]

Chris: Hm. I like this.

Kenan: That’s hot.

Chris: Oh, there’s a whole lot of saxophone. Like, too much, but I like it though.

Kenan: Yeah. Whoever is playing that sax on that song, he is like, playing sax.

Michael Che: TwinsTheNewTrend, everybody.

Chris: We’re going to be around for a long time.

Weekend Update Morgan Wallen Video Super Bowl Bets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Morgan Wallen at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that country music star Morgan Wallen had his recording contract suspended after a video surfaced of the singer using the N word. Hm, wonder who he learned that from. [picture changes to Morgan Wallen walking with Colin Jost.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels and Michael Cohen at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Stormy Daniels will appear on Michael Cohen’s podcast. Worse, Michael Cohen will appear in Stormy Daniel’s movie.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Tomorrow, the Kansas City Chiefs and Tampa Bay Buccaneers compete in Super Bowl 55. The mayors of each city have made a fun bet on the game pitting 50 pounds of Kansas city’s famous barbecue versus a lifetime supply of Tampa’s legendary hepatitis B.

[picture changes to a prison cell]

A Wisconsin man who was sentenced to 14 years in prison for robbing a bank said he did it because he decided to try something new. “I like that attitude,” said his cell mate.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Amsterdam’s red-light district at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in Amsterdam are hoping to reset tourism by moving the city’s famous red-light district away from the center of town. Okay. But take it from New York, when you drive out the sex stuff, that’s when the Elmos move in.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “Video shows shoppers and workers at Florida supermarket maskless” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A video went viral this week of workers and customers at a Florida supermarket not wearing mask. But masks are a lot to ask in a place where the dress code is typically flip-flops and one titty out.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man creates homemade rollercoaster for his kids” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Florida man spent lockdown building a rollercoaster for his children in the back yard. “Wow, I’d love to see it,” said child services.

Weekend Update Lowell Fitzroy and Janet Noonan on Cancel Culture

Colin Jost

Lowell Fitzroy… Mikey Day

Janet Noonan… Heidi Gardner.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new social activist group has spared controversy online prompting many different claim that cancel culture has gone too far. Here to discuss are the group’s founders, 2 and 3.

[Lowell Fitzroy and Janet Noonan slide in]

Lowell Fitzroy: Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi. Welcome, guys. Tell us, what exactly do you guys do?

Lowell Fitzroy: Well, we notice that everyone was getting canceled and we love that.

Janet Noonan: It’s great.

Lowell Fitzroy: But there was one group who were seemingly immune children.

Janet Noonan: So, we expose problematic kids and cancel them.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You cancel kids?

Lowell Fitzroy: That’s right. We call them out on Twitter. Here’s an example – This pig’s name is Chase Powell. He said to a famale classmate: “You don’t have a weiner, you have a bagina.” Expel him now @PineTreeElem or u support classroom harassment & stand with predators like this bile-spweing piece of sourdough bread. #chasepowellisoverparty.

Janet Noonan: [clapping] Yes! Come on! Yes.

Colin Jost: Hey, how old is that kid?

Janet Noonan: That pig? He’s five. And let me tell you, he’s going to have a hard time finding a job now. And so will this little rat we canceled – We NEED to talk about Oliver Carson. This prep school pig is a HOMOPHOBE. He asked a friend in his playgroup why she had 2 daddies and “no mommy.” Normalize bigotry, much? #FlushThisTurd. Bye!

Colin Jost: That kid looks three years old.

Janet Noonan: Oh, so you’re defending him? Interesting.

Lowell Fitzroy: These kids need to be held accountable, Colin. Like this little demon whose life we absolutely destroyed – Trick or treat, smell my feet, this pig’s name is Lily Davis. She’s white as printer paper and went as a culturally appropriating goon for Halloween. Her phone # is 714-555-0157. Do you worst, Internet. #Doxxed #BuhBye.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m sorry, guys. But doxing elementary school kids cannot be healing society.

Janet Noonan: That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard either of you say. Sorry, I just don’t find Weekend Update portion of your show amusing. Never have. Sorry if that hurts.

Colin Jost: Yeah, we’re okay. But thanks so much for coming by.

Lowell Fitzroy: Wait. We have one more piece of garbage to expose – Congrats! It’s a…RACIST. Confetti emoji. This piglet CRIED when she was delivered by an AFRICAN AMERICAN doctor. Yeah, nope. The C in her C-Section stands for #CANCELED.

Colin Jost: Alright, it was a baby. The Kid Cancel, everyone.

Weekend Update Bidens Stimulus Plan

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden said Friday that he will move ahead with his $1.9 trillion stimulus plan with or without republican support because this economy needs a massage and Joe Biden isn’t waiting for permission.

An interview with Biden will air before tomorrow’s Super Bowl between the Bucks and the Chiefs. Incidentally, Buck and Chief are also what Biden calls his friends when he forgets their names.

[picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell seen here ignoring a toddler who fell through the ice criticized GOP representative and conspiracy huffer Marjorie Taylor Greene saying that her loony lies and conspiracy theories at a cancer for the republican party. But keep in mind, Greene believes cancer is a bio weapon created in a secret Jewish lab.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Marjorie Taylor Greene who looks like the mugshot of a former child star has supported conspiracy theories about 9/11, school shootings, deep state and Jewish people. Ah! I get it lady. You’re my type. I’m kidding. Anybody who believes those crazy conspiracies has to be as blind as Stevie Wonder is pretending to be.

Greene apologized for her previous remarks saying 9/11 absolutely happen. So, to honor that day, Greene plans to hijack and crash the republican party.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Greene then apologized for her extensive conspiracy theory saying “Nobody’s perfect.” Yeah, I don’t think ‘perfect’ is the standard we were holding you to. We were just settled for ‘not violently insane’. “Nobody’s perfect” is a cute little phrase you say when you accidentally mess up a lunch order. It doesn’t really apply when you accuse kids of faking a mass shooting. It’s a same reason “Did I do that?” was Urkle’s catch phrase and not OJ’s.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of SMARTMATIC and FOX NEWS logos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: FOX News is being sued by SMARTMATIC votin machines for $2.7 billion for false reporting. If they lose, FOX will use money from their sexual harassment settlement jar.

[picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol]

A new report shows that a number of people storming to Capitol didn’t actually vote in the election. Huh? So, maybe they weren’t the savvy political geniuses we all thought they were.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former social media influencer Donald Trump, he will not testify at his impeachment trial next week. And I think I speak for all of us when I say – Come on. Please! Give us one last show, man. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Put in your extensions and burst into that trial like it’s Maury Povich and you are not the father. Come on. Think about it. You can yell out all the Tweets you haven’t been allowed to post for the past month. Like, “Worst inauguration ever #PoemBarelyRhymed”, or “No noms for Tim Allen? #GlobesTooBlack”.

Sadly, Trump is not going to be doing that. But he will be defended at the trial by the lawyers who refused to prosecute Bill Cosby and who agreed to represent Jeffery Epstein before his death. Which raises the question, what does Trump think he is being impeached for?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeff Bezos announced that he is stepping down as CEO of Amazon later this year. “I just like to finally spend some time with my family”, said Amazon workers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Lindell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell say three hour movie which he claims will 100% show that China and other countries stole the election from Donald Trump. Even worse, Lindell plays the part of Xi Jinping.

Weekend Update My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell on Getting Banned from Twitter

Colin Jost

Mike Lindell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Twitter continued its crack down on voter fraud misinformation by banning Mike Lindell, the CEO of My Pillow and vocal supporter of president Trump. Here to comment is Mike Lindell.

[Mike Lindell slides in with a pillow in his hands]

Mike Lindell: Hello, hey. Thanks there, Colin. Yes, it’s me, Mike Lindell, the inventor of My Pillow. And thank you all so much for making My Pillow the number one pillow in America.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. Mike, so you were just banned from Twitter for spreading all this voter fraud lies that inspired the insurrectionists.

Mike Lindell: Well, hold on there, buckle! I didn’t inspire no insurrection nobody. I’m just a normal American ex crack addict turned Pillow CEO and advisor of the former president.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, speaking of that, can we talk about how your photograph on your way to meet Trump with documents about martial law?

Mike Lindell: Oh, no, no, Colin. That was just a standard pillow meeting. Nothing to do with martial law at all. I just suggested the military overthrow the government. Look, if that’s not democracy, I don’t know what is.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think you might just not know what it is.

Mike Lindell: Yeah, that may be. But hey, I’m not a politics guy. I’m a pillow guy. Before My Pillow, I tried sleeping on everything. Dirt, cement, old man’s lap. But I tell you what set My Pillow apart. It has fantastic political ideas.

Colin Jost: Hold on. So, you talk to your My Pillow?

Mike Lindell: No. I listen. Shh! He’s awake. What’s that My Pillow? Uh-huh. Really? Wow! My Pillow said Dominion overran the voting machine algorithms.

Colin Jost: What?

Mike Lindell: Yeah. So China could swing in for Biden, with Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong-Un and Crissy Teigen.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Dude, you are all over the place.

Mike Lindell: No, you’re on crack again.

Colin Jost: Dude, Dominion is threatening to sue you and now Kohl’s Bed Bath and Beyond, they’re pulling My Pillows from the store. Doesn’t that bother you?

Mike Lindell: Not at all Colin, because you can always buy my book.  “What are the odds? From crack addict to CEO.” In fact, I’d like to read a passage right now. [clears his throat] There I was, faced down in the middle of a Mexican street… again. As out, no clue where I was. But hey, that’s Mexico for you. That’s when I saw him. A pillow, alone and shivering on a side of the road. He seemed lost. He wasn’t the only one. [pointing at himself] So, we made a pact. We get sober, return to the Unites States of America and create the best pillow company ever after one final fiesta. So, we went nuts. We’re talking two peso whores and a truck load of crack just for me and my pillow. Well, that night was a year. The end.

Colin Jost: That’s the end of your book?

Mike Lindell: Yeah. I don’t know. My brain’s on fire.

Colin Jost: Mike Lindell, everyone.

Mike Lindell: Look, Jane Krakowski’s obsessed with me.

Weekend Update Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese on New York City

Michael Che

Fran Lebowitz… Bowen Yang

Martin Scorsese… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced this week that the New York city could open indoor dining by mid February. Here to comment are the stars of the Netflix show  “Pretend It’s a City”, Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese.

[Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese slide in]

Fran Lebowitz: Here we are!

Michael Che: How are you doing, Fran and Martin? It’s an honor to have you both here.

Fran Lebowitz: Please. I’ve been so bored at home, I was about to get married to my cufflinks. Let me tell you, I’ve done so many interviews in front of audiences, I have squatter’s rights at the 92nd street wide, okay?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: Well, I love the series because it’s the two of you just sitting and talking and Marty just losing his mind.

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Fran Lebowitz: That’s right. They asked me my range and I said I can sit and I can sit down. And the people who went to these talks, they were children. They asked me should I be a writer, should I be a film maker? I say, “No, you should be something useful. Be a piece of melon wrapped in prosciutto.”

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: And that’s your advice?

Fran Lebowitz: What? Martin loves it.

Michael Che: Yeah, Martin seems to love everything you do. Martin, how is it shooting with Fran?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Okay, well, Fran, do you think New York is doing right now good? Is it doing okay?

Fran Lebowitz: Ah, I love it. It’s the worst. Disgusting. I’ll never move. My friends, they’re inviting me to their backyards where socially distanced gatherings, the only outro gathering I go to is the taxi line at JFK. You know why? They let you smoke. Okay?[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Martin, you still into this? [Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Yeah.[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: You’re a real New Yorker through and through, Fran.

Fran Lebowitz: Yes, yes. You’re right. You’re right. But hey, remember when everyone in New York city had a machete?

Michael Che: No.

Fran Lebowitz: It used to be, you would go on a subway and you would look at a man’s machete or his penis. Now, everybody’s looking at their phones. You know why? Because there’s nothing to look at. And what’s Dwayne weed?

Martin Scorsese: [out of breath laughing] You’re so funny.

Fran Lebowitz: Kids are so short nowadays, you know why? You can’t smoke in bars anymore.

Michael Che: I don’t think that’s why.

Fran Lebowitz: Gender doesn’t exist anymore, you know why? Ed Koch died.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he pulls off his eyebrows.]

Michael Che: Did he just laugh his eyebrows off?

Fran Lebowitz: Martin, listen to this. I was walking down the street the other day and you know what occurred to me? Emotional support animals.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he falls off his seat]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Fran Lebowitz: Martin’s off the chair. Time to go.

Michael Che: Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese, everybody!

Fran Lebowitz: Taxi! Taxi!

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on the Capitol Insurrection

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the Capitol riots behind us, people are still trying to figure out how so many people got swept away by such a wrong headed movement. Here with her take is the lady that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Well, well, well. Do my eyes deceive me?

Michael Che: How are you, Cathy–

Cathy Anne: Wait, wait, wait. I’m doing a poem for you. Tis the east and Michael Che is the sun, so I give him my moon. [Cathy Anne stands and tries to open her pants.]

Michael Che: No, no. Hey, Cathy Anne!

Cathy Anne: Ha-ha. I’m just playing around. Lighten up.

Michael Che: Well, you’re supposed to be here to talk about the insurrection at the Capitol.

Cathy Anne: Right, right. Let me tell you, I was glued to the TV during that insurrections.

Michael Che: Oh, so you were watching it?

Cathy Anne: No, I was glued to a TV. Man, it’s been a lot pandemic, okay? Sometimes, you get your huffing glue mixed up with your Purell. I’m only human, man.

Michael Che: Okay, but you got to admit that the riot was pretty shocking.

Cathy Anne: Oh. Do I? I’m not shocked. That’s our right to premises. Listen, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time, right? The local pervert ain’t gonna have a business suit under a trench coat next time. It’s always going to be his privates. Oh, and by the way, how can anybody say whits are supreme anyway? I’m white and whenever I wake up in a dumpster behind IKEA, I never think, “Wow, score run for the master race.”

Michael Che: Why did you wake up in an IKEA dumpster?

Cathy Anne: Because I fell asleep in there. What? You don’t get tired, Mr. Hollywood? Of course. You know what? These republicans ain’t gonna do nothing about these traitors even though they’re the ones that are going to be killed, right? What the hell is wrong with them? You know, that remind me of opossums.

Michael Che: What? Why?

Cathy Anne: You know, coz opossum’s got only two move. Either they hiss or they play dead. “Hiss! Hiss! Oh, Donald Trump!” [acting like playing dead]

Michael Che: You’re pretty good at this.

Cathy Anne: Yeah, well, I had to play dead once. I got tapped at the eight pass at the zoo. The mother gorilla must have thought I was one of her’s, you know? She just yanked me right up as I was walking by. Took the zookeeper three darts to knock the mama out. Five to knock me out.

Michael Che: [laughing] It took more darts to knock you out than a gorilla?

Cathy Anne: Would you quit flirting? Sagging me with those eyes? You know what the sad thing is? They all got played, right? Trump only pardoned his rich friends. You know what? I could use one of those pardons, right? But they only cover high crimes and misdemeanors, and my crimes were very high. You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Yes, I get it.

Cathy Anne: You get high … crimes?

Michael Che: Oh, yes, I get it.

Cathy Anne: Drugs?

Michael Che: No, we get it, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Yeah, drugs, got it.

Cathy Anne: Yeah? You…

Michael Che: I got it.

Cathy Anne: Okay. Now everybody’s just worried about more insurrections around the country, right? How to make sure it don’t happen no more. Hello, I know how. Put them in prison. That’s where they should be, right? They’re Nazis. And you know what? Actually, I think they like it because prison’s got all the things white supremacists love. Other white supremacists, drama, lounge wear and chicken fingers. You know what? In fact, I think they would thrive. They have found it.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.