Netflix Live Promo- Jeannie Darcy

[Starts with Netflix intro of a stand up special promo]

[door knocking]

Male voice: They’re ready for you.

[Jeannie walks to the stage]

Male voice: Three, two, one. And we’re live.

Jeannie: Have you guys heard of this TikTok thing? The only tick-tock I hear is my biological clock. Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started.

[the audience are watching awkwardly]

Male voice: Jeannie Darcy, Selective Startage.

Arsenio Hall: No one brings it like Jeanne Darcy. And this time the Darcinator is live. Which means you’re hearing her jokes at the same time she’s telling them instead of being able to stream it late at your convenience. Which is the reason most people get Netflix.

Male voice: Jeanne Darcy shows no mercy.

Jeannie: I had a bra fitting the other day. I tried one on and had a fit. Men must design these things. Has anyone ever seen a jock strap with under Wire? Am I right lady friends? You get my 411? Do not even think of getting me started.

Wanda Sykes: Jeanne Darcy is a legend. That girl inspired a whole generation of lesbian comedians.

Male voice: She’s not a lesbian.

Wanda Sykes: Say what now?

Male voice: Jeannie Darcy, Takes no prisoners.

Jeannie: My friend got a dog and always complains that he messes up her house and jumps in her bed. I said, Are you sure it’s a dog? Or is it my ex-husband? Who’s with me? Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started.

Sarah Silverman: Oh my god. Jeannie is awesome. She even gave me her set lists.

Jeannie: I just got one of those new Tesla electric cars. I couldn’t get it started. Don’t get me started.

Male voice: Jeannie Darcy, Selective Startage, streaming live tonight.

Jeannie: Don’t even get me started.

Molly Shannon Monologue

Molly Shannon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Molly Shannon.

[Molly Shannon walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Molly Shannon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh my god, it’s so great to be back. I’ve had such a fun year. My daughter Stella started college. My son Nolan’s about to graduate high school. And I wrote a book about my life called “Hello Molly.” And, you know, it’s interesting because a lot of people were surprised by how honest I was about some of the hard times my family had. I mean, we all have problems, right? But my dad always taught me to keep my chin up and never give up on my showbiz dreams. He would play me old classic musicals and he would tell me, “You know, Molly, no matter what problems you face, if you keep a positive attitude, everything will turn out okay.” I can almost hear him now saying…

[singing] You’ll be swell, you’ll be great
you’re gonna have the whole world’s on a plate
starting here, starting now
honey, everything’s coming up, roses,
curtain up, light the light
you got nothing to hit, but the hype

Molly Kearney: Molly, sorry I crashed your monologue. But I know exactly what you mean. I’ve got real problems too.

Molly Shannon: Like, what’s your problem, Molly?

Molly Kearney: Well, I’m not really in the show much tonight. So I’m interrupting your song to get more camera time.

Molly Shannon: Oh, that’s a great idea.

Molly Kearney: Can I stay out here?

Molly Shannon: No.

Clear the debt, clear that track
you got nothing to do but relax
blow a kiss, take a bow
honey everything’s coming up, roses

Kenan, what about you? What’s your problem?

Kenan: I can’t stop buying fake Rolexes.

Molly shannon: What about you guys? What are your problems?

Andrew Dismukes: I still dress like a little boy.

Chloe Fineman: I pretend to have a peanut allergy for attention.

Bowen Yang: I’m attracted to my therapist.

Ego Nwodim: I just tested positive for COVID. Ha-ha-ha.

Bowen Yang: Wait, what?

Molly Shannon: Honey, everything’s coming up, roses

How about you, the audience? Who here is embarrassed by how often they check Instagram? [cheers] Who was in an unhealthy codependent relationship? We got a few. Who lost their job in the pandemic and secretly hopes that other people are suffering too? [laughter] What about you Lorne? What’s your problem?

Lorne Michaels: I don’t have any problem.

Molly Shannon: What about you, Martin Short?

Martin Short: I ran out of ozempic!

Molly Shannon: Everyone, come up here. Come on. Put away your problems and stop worrying. You know why?

Because you’ll be swelled, you’ll be great
I can tell, just you wait

All: And nothing’s gonna stop us till we’re through

Molly Shannon: Honey, everything’s coming up, roses and Daffodil,
everything’s coming up, sunshine and Santa Claus.
everything’s coming up, roses for me and for you

Thank you daddy. Superstar. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Jonas Brothers are here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Drug Commercial

Keith… Andrew Dismukes

Molly Shannon

Molly Kearney

Ego Nwodim

Keith: Okay, looks like our actors have arrived on set. What do you say we do this thing?

Molly: I know I’m ready.

Kearney: Yeah.

Ego: Let’s do it. Yeah.

Molly: Keath, I just wanted to say, thank you so much for letting me do this drug commercial. I’m someone who never thought much about medications until I got older. But this script is really sensitive to women’s issues, and honestly, I think will help people.

Keith: Well, thank you. I hope so too. What do you say? We’ll give it a try, huh?

Molly: I think that sounds terrific.

Keith: All right, places everybody. And action.

[music playing]

Molly: There is a new drugs for gals over 40
it’s hormone free and made just for me.
easy to use, and it’s super effective

Ego and Kearney: That’s unexpected, so what is it called?

Molly: It’s called Vagerted,
how great a name is that, it’s called Vagerted

Ego and Kearney: And where is it inserted?

Molly: I think you already know
and once Vergerted inside you, then you’re ready to go

All: Whoo!

Keith: And cut. Okay, wow. Not bad for first take, y’all.

Molly: I actually just have a concern slash question.

Keith: Oh, you don’t think it’s dignified enough?

Molly: No, that’s not it at all. I actually really love what you’re doing with Vegerted.. I was just wondering if we’re all doing it justice. Like, some of us are up here really selling it and then some of us or maybe one or two of us are not quite giving it the same energy. I don’t want to put fingers. I don’t know. I would just be so sad if people didn’t buy Vegerted because the dancing was mid.

Ego: Okay, I don’t know what that was. But I also have a question. This drug is from menopause. Right? So why doesn’t the song just come out and say that?

Keith: Well, we don’t want people to change the channel. Let’s try this next verse and get a little more energy this time.

Molly: That’s a great note. It’s a great note for everyone. [looking around]

Keith: Okay. And action.

Molly: In just one week you’ll notice the difference
insert it down there just deep as you can
no more high flashes, good bye to libido

Ego and Kearney: Well, that’s needed, what is it called?

Molly: Vegerted, that’s the name they chose
they chose Vegerted
come on girls, let’s dance

Kenan: Vegeta is not for everybody. So ask your doctor if it’s right for you. If he says no, find another doctor. Just keep going to different doctors until one of them says you can take Vegeta.

Kearney: What did he call it?

Kenan: Do not use the Vegeta if you are allergic to Vegeta. If you are allergic to peanuts, don’t you put a peanut in your Vageta.

Ego: Peanut?

Kenan: Everybody reacts differently to Vegeta. Some people like Vegeta, some people do not. I personally think Vegeta Gina very nice. Clinical trials of Vegeta have not yet been completed, in the sense that they have not yet started.

Ego: That’s not good.

Kenan: Vegeta should not be taken orally, even though it tastes real good. It is highly addictive. It gives you an alcohol like Buzz but with no hangover. I wish I had a Vegeta so I can take Vegeta. Try vagina today.

Molly: Okay, can we stop?

Ego: Yeah, he just said try vagina today. This product sounds really awful.

Molly: I’ll tell you what’s awful. Look around. It’s like one of us is Beyonce and the other two are really bad at dancing.

Kearney: What’s your problem? You were so nice at the audition.

Molly: Yeah, that’s what I do.

Ego: Okay, we’re out of here.

Kearney: Good luck, Keith, you’ll never replace us.

Molly: Well, now what do we do?

Kenan: Hit the music.

Molly: There’s a new drug for gals over 40

Kenan: It’s called va-jay-jay

Molly: I think it’s Vegerted.

Kenan: Whatever. Just dance.

Male voice: Ask your doctor if Vajayjay is right for you.

CNN App

Anderson Cooper… Michael Longfellow

Van Jones… Devon Walker

Dana Bash… Chloe Fineman

Wolf Blitzer… Sarah Sherman

Maggie Haberman.. Molly Shannon

Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson

Alvin Bragg… Kenan Thompson

Female voice: These days, it’s hard not to feel stressed out and overwhelmed. Sure Trump got indicted. But now everyone says the case against him is weak and that he’ll never serve any jail time. As someone whose entire personality is hating Donald Trump, you need more. You need to feel calm and reassured. You need the newest meditation app. CNZen. The only app that suits you in the most militant liberals with essential details from Trump’s arrest. Featuring your favorite CNN anchors and correspondents.

Anderson Cooper: He’s the first American president to ever be indicted. This is truly a historic and humiliating moment.

Van Jones: Trump is a sad, defeated man. They made him come from Florida, where it’s 80 degrees, to New York, where it’s only 60 degrees. How depressing for him?

Dana Bash: And his motorcade wasn’t even that big. I thought it would be bigger, but it was so small.

Wolf Blitzer: Donald was all alone. No family or friends to support him. I shouldn’t say this as a journalist, but what a loser.

Female voice: Let New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman soothe you to sleep.

Maggie Haberman: This is his worst nightmare. And he’s really freaking out because now he knows there are consequences. Consequences.

Female voice: You can also listen to clips of Trump and his allies desperately spiraling.

Lindsey Graham: Please, Donald J. Trump is an innocent man and he needs your help. Send him all your money today at DonaldJTrumpRU/Fundraisingscam.guilty.

Female voice: Trump’s next court appearance won’t be till at least December. That’s why CNZen has a whole section of Trump indictment ASMR.

Maggie Haberman: Can you hear him getting fingerprinted? And the DA opening his big leather briefcase. Oh, and a little gavel from a judge. I wonder if you’ll even hear handcuffs.

Female voice: With additional in app purchases like audio erotica of District Attorney Aven Bragg reading all 34 felony counts.

Alvin Bragg: Count one, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count two, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count three, falsifying business-

Heidi: Helpless couch is as clumsy as the DA’s case.

Female voice: CNZen, because you waited seven years for this indictment, and you want every delicious detail.

Maggie Haberman: And what ethnicity is Trump’s judge again?

Alvin Bragg: Hispanic.

Maggie Haberman: Ah!

Female voice: CNZen, in your mind, he’s already in jail.

Why’d You Like It

Denny Donigan… Kenan Thompson

Beth.. Chloe Fineman

Kenny… Chris Redd

Brad… Jake Gyllenhaal

[Starts with game show intro]

Male voice: It’s the game show you love to like, it’s “Why’d you like it?” With your host, Denny Donigan.

Denny Donigan: Alright. Welcome to “Why’d you like it?” The game show where we ask contestants “Why do you like it?” I’m your Denny Donigan. Tonight’s contestants are Beth.

Beth: Hi. Can’t wait to play.

Denny Donigan: Kenny.

Kenny: What’s up, y’all? Let’s do this.

Denny Donigan: And Brad.

Brad: Excited to be here, Denny. I’m still not totally sure what the show is, but looking forward to finding out.

Denny Donigan: Well, the game is easy. We show you a picture that you liked on Instagram and ask you the simple question – Why do you like it? So Brad, why don’t we start with you?

Brad: Oh, okay.

Denny Donigan: On March 19, you liked this photo. [A picture of a woman holding a dog appears on the screen.] So the question is, why do you like it?

Brad: She’s my friend. [wrong answer buzzer] I like her dog. [wrong answer buzzer] I thought she was attractive. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: Still doesn’t explain why you liked it. I mean, you could have just looked at it. But you did the double tap. So the question remains. Why?

Brad: I guess some part of me thought that if I liked it, she would see that I liked it. And then she would follow me back and then we’d DM and then maybe at some point, I don’t know, she’d want to have sex with me. [right answer bell]

Denny Donigan: That is correct. Yes. And just to be clear, your girlfriend is here tonight?

Brad: She is, yeah.

Girlfriend: You are a stupid man.

Brad: I really didn’t understand the premise of the show.

Denny Donigan: Alright, next up, Kenny.

Kenny: Pass.

Denny Donigan: No. You can’t pass. Two weeks ago, you liked this photo. [there’s a picture of a painting]

Kenny: Okay, oh. That’s not even bad.

Denny Donigan: All right, then this question should be easy. Why do you like it?

Kenny: Um, culture. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: I’d like to point out that this art photo was posted by Megan thee Stallion, who has 28 million followers and averages 2 Million Likes per post. So again, why do you like?

Kenny: I’m a fan of her music. [wrong answer buzzer] I’m a fan of her art. [wrong answer buzzer] I’m a fan of Instagram in general. [wrong answer buzzer] Okay, I guess I saw that post was getting less likes than the ones with Megan’s face and booty. So I thought if I like this one, it’s more likely she’d see it and she knows that I like her for more than her body, but like, for her mind. And then it’d be like a Notting Hill type of situation. She DM me, one thing leads to another and pretty soon we’re having sex. [right answer bell]

Brad: Wow. That’s pathetic.

Girlfriend: Do not speak.

Brad: Can I leave?

Denny Donigan: No. All right, Beth, you’re up.

Beth: Okay, well, this should be easy for me because I don’t go around liking thirst traps on Instagram.

Denny Donigan: Ha-ha. Love that confidence? Because yesterday, you liked this photo from 2017. [there’s a picture of a woman in front of a waterfall]

Beth: Seems fine.

Denny Donigan: It is a picture of your ex boyfriends sister. So why do you like it?

Beth: We still keep in touch. [wrong answer buzzer] I like her dog. [wrong answer buzzer] Water… waterfall. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: You scrolled back five years to like it.

Beth: Okay, I thought that if I liked the photo, she’d see my name pop up on her feed. And remember that I was nice. And then maybe at the next family dinner, she turned to my ex and be like, “You know who I miss? Beth!” And then my ex would DM me and say we should grab coffee sometime and cut to two hours later and we’re raw dogging in a Starbucks bathroom. [right answer bell]

Denny Donigan: What is wrong with you people?

Beth: Why would you bring us here?

[exciting sound]

Denny Donigan: Oh-oh! You know what that sound means?

Brad: You know we don’t know.

Denny Donigan: Well, it’s time for round two. Why do you follow them? In this round, I show you an Instagram profile and the only thing you have to do is tell me why do you follow them.

Kenny: Pass.

Denny Donigan: It’s not going to happen. All right. Let’s get that profile up. You all follow Joe Biden. Why?

Beth: He’s the president. [wrong answer buzzer]

Kenny: He knows Obama. [wrong answer buzzer]

Brad: During the election, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough politically, so I thought following Joe Biden was literally the least I could do. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: Oh, so close.

Brad: And I thought maybe if someone political saw I was following him, they’d want to have sex with me. [right answer bell]

Girlfriend: I’m gonna kill you.

Brad: I wasn’t gonna do anything. [wrong answer buzzer] I mean, unless one of them DM’ed me and commented on some of my photos. [right answer bell] All right, all right. Look, maybe in the past I’ve been pretty shallow when it comes to social media. But thanks to this game show, I now realize social media is not my friend and maybe it’s time to get off this thing for good. Ha-ha.

Denny Donigan: All right, well, in the time it took for the camera to cut to me just now. You liked unliked and liked again, this photo? [There’s a picture of a woman at the beach]

Brad: I’m sorry, I cannot change.

Denny Donigan: Understood. We’ll be right back after the break with round three – “Why did you react to the Instagram story despite never meeting them?” Stick around.

Truck Stop CD

Kyle Mooney

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Trucker… Jake Gyllenhaal

Darlene… Cecily Strong

Picky… Andrew Dismukes

El Chapo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Kyle ad Ego in Truckstops.]

Kyle: Truckstops have the wildest stuff.

Ego: Yeah, like, the my other car is a gun?

Kyle: And who are the weirdos still buying CDs?

Aidy: Well, truckers that’s who.

Kyle: Oh, very cool.

Aidy: Yeah, this one right here is a collection of hits. My favorite truck driving crooner Johnny Gatlin. Yeah, I’m talking about “Truck you you truckin’ truck”. 42 songs, all about truckin.

Ego: Great. You mind if we just scooped past you?

Aidy: Songs include fender bender in hits like “Truckers life”.

[song]

Trucker: I’m peeing in a bottle and I’m peeing in a thermos
and I’m peeing in a cup and I’m peeing in the bucket
and I’m peeing in a diaper and I’m peeing at the window
The wind blows back in my face.

Aidy: Whoo! Been there, done that. Get your hanky handy for this heart wrenching duet between trucker and truckers’ wife. Featuring Darlene cuisine, don’t go forgettin.

Trucker: Gotta go back down on the road
I’m gonna miss you till I get home.

Darlene: And I’m asking you to remember
You always got to remember

Trucker and Darlene: Don’t go forgettin
Which cup is your drink and which cup is full of piss

Kyle: Are all these songs about peeing?

Aidy: Well, not all. But many of them? Yes. Big part of the lifestyle.

[whooing sound]

Kyle: Okay, what was that?

Aidy: Oh, wow. That would be the dreaded ghost trucker t. little Picky Dickens.

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Trucker:When the fog came rolling in,
and his hog came rolling out,
reaching down his pants,
he starts to touch himself
with the same hand he used to eat
Flaming Hot Cheetos
People say his screams to echo to this day

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Aidy: Oh! And the old children’s classic “Blow that horn”.

Picky: I see your little boy on an iPad in a minivan next to mine.

Trucker: He singles for me to blow my horn and I happily oblige 

Darlene: A smile comes across his face, I’m so happy I can make his day

Trucker: And the car in front of me get startled as hell and they veer off into a ditch

Aidy: Oh, yes. And of course, no collection is complete without the trucker standard, “The hitch hiker”.

Trucker: A hot July day in 2015 down it Juarez, Mexico
I’m trucking along the highway
A hitchhiker on the side of the road
The mustachioed man helps him in the cab
and he’s only five feet tall
Something about him looks so familiar
Then suddenly, I recall
his name’s El Chapo, El Chapo.
Oh god I think I helped El Chapo
He definitely helped El Chapo

El Chapo: I’m El Chapo and this is a certified bump.

Aidy: Truck you you truckin’ truck, available only at loves Truckstops up the I-40.

[Kyle and Ego sneaks out from behind her]

All: Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker
Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker

Tombstone

Host… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Greg… Kenan Thompson

Curly Bill… Alex Moffat

Johnny Ringo… Andrew Dismukes

Wyatt Earp… Mikey Day

Doc Holliday… Jake Gyllenhaal

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Host in her set]

Host: Hello and welcome to Lights Camera at you, a look back at some of the sickest performances in film history. From Tom Hanks in Philadelphia to Tom Hanks’s girlfriend in Forrest Gump. Tonight we focus on the role of duck holiday, made famous by Val Kilmer in Tombstone. The Southern Gentleman cowboy who keeps his raging tuberculosis a secret. But did you know another actor played duck holiday even sicker just a year before? Take a look at this scene from the 1992 film “Cough Cough Bang Bang”.

[Cut to the scene. A guy enters a bar.]

Kyle: Well if it isn’t Earl, my favorite bar tender in the whole west. You got a free drink for your pal, don’t you Earl?

Greg: My name is Greg. And my god, that’s Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo. Their gang has been terrorizing the whole southwest.

[Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo walk in]

Curly Bill: Alright, listen up. We heard no law man by the name of Wyatt Earp is holed up in this here town.

Johnny Ringo: If you see him, tell him Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo want to pay our respects.

Curly Bill: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Wyatt Earp: [turns around from the bar booth] Well, you can tell me yourself.

Curly Bill: Well, well, Wyatt Earp. Where’s your little lap dog, Doc Holliday?

[Doc Holliday walks in]

Doc Holliday: Well, I do declare to be a lap dog and a yellow Billie chicken. [coughs huge amount of blood on his handkerchief]

Wyatt Earp: Are you okay there, Doc?

Doc Holliday: Oh yeah, just have a little tickle in my throat, bunch of blood on my face and handkerchief. Which means I’m on the man. Now, if I’m not mistaken, you must be Curly Bill, which makes you the infamous Johnny Ringo. Word is you’re the fastest gun this side of the Mississippi. [starts coughing hard]

Wyatt Earp: Hey Doc, are you sure you should be out in public?

Doc Holliday: Of course not.

Wyatt Earp: You just seem like visibly sick.

Doc Holliday: Nonsense. It’s just allergies.

[Doc Holliday coughs so hard that his blood is spilled all over Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo]

Curly Bill: Come on, man. At least cover your mouth.

Doc Holliday: Why? Are you afraid something witty might come out and make your brain actually work for change?

Wyatt Earp: No, man. He’s worried about catching whatever insane illness you have. Sweat is pouring down your face, man.

Doc Holliday: That’s ridiculous. I have a normal body temperature of 108. [farts hard] Now can I interest any of you gentlemen in a game of cards?

Kyle: Thank you got some kind of intestinal issue there, Doc?

Doc Holliday: Some mixed nuts ought to settle my stomach.

Greg: Hey, stop touching the nuts.

Doc Holliday: I told you, I am not contagious. It’s just a case of the sniffles.

[Doc Holliday coughs so hard that his blood is spilled all over Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo again]

Johnny Ringo: What the hell, dude?

Wyatt Earp: Dude, do you have ebola?

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Hey there, Doc. Ready for round two?

Greg: Round two? You slept with patient zero over here?

Chloe: I think he’s just sweating because I got them all worked up.

Doc Holliday: I confess I’m feeling a stern in my britches, which means I’m either aroused or I need to change my diaper again.

Wyatt Earp: You’re wearing diapers now?

Doc Holliday: My doctor said a lot of 30 year olds wear diapers. Did anyone else see that roll snake at the cookout last week?

Greg: All right. Get the hell out of here. Coming in here with a snake flu, drinking from my cups and having sex with my white daughter?

Johnny Ringo: You know what? I’m gonna end Doc Holliday’s life right now before god gets the satisfaction.

Doc Holliday: Well then, I might as well have one last drink. Earl, You got any orange pedialyte?

Greg: This ain’t no CVS.

Doc Holliday: Fine. Then let’s see who’s really the fastest gun in the West. One… two… [farts hard] … three!

[Johnny Ringo shoots Doc Holliday]

Wyatt Earp: I can’t believe it. You killed Doc Holliday! I mean, I guess it was more like euthanasia.

Greg: Well, yeah. That’s cuz Doc didn’t have a gun. He just pulled out a bottle of pills labelled Valtrex.

Chloe: Oh my god, he had herpes too?

Doc Holliday: On the bright side, you’ll always have something to remember me by.

[Cut back to Host]

Host: I liked it. For Lights Camera at you, I prefer to remain anonymous. Goodnight.

Spring Flowers

Mr. Greene Tom… Kenan Thompson

Pink flower… Chloe Fineman

Orange flower… Jake Gyllenhaal

Yellow flower… Cecily Strong

Red flower… Chris Redd

Honey bee… Bowen Yang

Weed… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Mr. Greene Tom watering the flowers in his garden]

Mr. Greene Tom: All right, my beautiful little spring bulbs. You’re getting bigger every day. And it looks like you’re thirsty for sprinkle.

Pink flower: Thank you Mr. Greene. We love those little sprinkles.

Orange flower: I know I love em’ a lot.

[Red flower blossoms]

Red flower: Excuse me. I’m a little confused. Yesterday I was just above in the earth. And now I’m different.

Yellow flower: Welcome to the flower bed, friend. We wondered when you’d arrive.

Pink flower: Yeah. You’re a late bloomer.

Orange flower: Not sexually. Just as a flower.

Yellow flower: You’re gonna like it here. Just about everything is perfect because

[singing] It’s spring, well everywhere, but I hope

Orange flower: Because there is still a lot of snow

Pink flower: but spring has finally sprung

All: Yeah, spring has finally sprung

Red flower: You’re right. I do like it here.

Hooray for spring and zing and Easter things

All: Spring, spring, spring, spring, spring

[A honey bee comes]

Honey bee: Hey everybody, what are we talking about?

Orange flower: We were just saying how wonderful spring is Mr. Bee?

Honey bee: Oh, yeah, spring is the best. Love Spring. [Honey bee starts to rub his bottom on Orange flower and moan. It looks sexual.]

Orange flower: Hey, wait. What are you doing?

Honey bee: What? I’m just doing what bees do. It’s okay.

Orange flower: It doesn’t feel okay.

Pink flower: It looks like you’re having sex with his head.

Honey bee: No, no, I’m just getting pollen on my my legs or whatever. It’s all very natural and necessary.

[Honey bee jumps to Pink flower]

Pink flower: Wait! Don’t do me after you just did him.

Yellow flower: [disgusted] Can you believe this?

Red flower: I know! It’s like, when is it gonna be my turn?

Honey bee: Oh, I’ll get to everybody.

Red flower: Oh god, it tickles.

Honey bee: Shut up, shut up. I’m close.

Orange flower: What do you do with all this pollen anyway?

Honey bee: I basically squeeze a load of goop out of my butt and then people eat it. Pretty kinky, right?

Mr. Greene Tom: Ay! Get out of here, you silly bee! Don’t you be bothering my pretty flowers.

Pink flower: Wow, thank goodness that’s over.

[weed pops up]

Weed: Yeah, pretty harrowing, right?

Orange flower: Wait, who are you?

Weed: Just another flower. Like you guys?

Yellow flower: Are you sure you’re not a weed?

Weed: I’m a flower. Hey, can I choke you a little bit?

Pink flower: Choke me? No.

Weed: Okay. Why not though? I think you might like it.

Orange flower: Hey, get away from us, weirdo. You’re not a flower. You don’t belong here.

Weed: Oh, you don’t think I belong here? You don’t want me in your little gated flower community? Are you hearing this ball?

Red flower: Ah-hah.

Weed: Come on! Just let me choke you.

Pink flower: Stop!

Yellow flower: Can you believe this?

Red flower: I know. It’s like, when is it going to be my turn?

Mr. Greene Tom: Ay! Go away, you stupid weed. Take that! [puts medicine on it]

Weed: Ah! You can kill me but you can’t kill the revolution.

Pink flower: Wow. A lot happens in this garden bed.

Red flower: At least today hasn’t been all bad. We’re all together and there’s not a cloud in the sky.

Pink flower: Wait. There is a cloud.

Yellow flower:  Why is the cloud so furry?

Orange flower: And why does the cloud have a dog penis? [a pug is on the garden]

Mr. Greene Tom: Mr. Peanut, don’t do that on my flowers.

[pug pees on flowers]

Pink flower: Ah! what is that? What is that hot liquid?

Orange flower: It’s so salty.

Red flower: I don’t mind.

Yellow flower: I’m getting out of here. Oh my god! I don’t have legs. Where are my legs?

Pink flower: Make it stop!

Orange flower: It’s so dark! this dog must be dehydrated.

Red flower: Ah! When is it gonna be my turn?

Mr. Greene Tom: Get out of there, Mr. Peanut. Oh my poor flowers are soaked.

Pink flower: Wow, I guess maybe being a flower isn’t always cracked up to be.

Yellow flower: Don’t say that. Don’t you ever. It’s been a long gray winter and people need us. Our beautiful colors and our sweet aromas. Even if right now we don’t exactly smell so good.

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Orange flower: Yeah, right. Look at the smile on Mr. Greene Tom’s face right now.

Mr. Greene Tom: All right, let’s see which one is gonna look good on the vase buys on my table.

[Mr. Greene Tom cuts off a flower]

Orange flower: [screaming in pain] Ah! Ah!

[green blood is spilled all over other flowers.]

Pink flower: Oh, they killed Jake Flower-haal.

Yellow flower: Oh my god. Is that who that was?

Weed: Man, this garden is crazy. Can I choke you a little bit?

Red flower: Finally, ha-ha-ha.

Serious Night Live

Michael Che

Kyle Mooney

Jake Gyllenhaal

[Starts with Michael Che and Kyle in Kyle’s office]

Michael: Come on, Kyle, our sketch was due an hour ago. We need to turn it in now.

Kyle: No, it needs to be perfect. I’ve got to keep writing.

Michael: But we’ll get in trouble. They don’t like it when it’s turned in late.

Kyle: I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m going to keep on writing. And I don’t need to listen to you, you jealous [bleep]

[Jake Gyllenhaal walks in]

Jake: Hi. It’s Jake Gyllenhaal. Where is your sketch, Mooney?

Kyle: You said something to me, [bleep].

[Kyle and Jake Gyllenhaal start fighting. While fighting, Jake Gyllenhaal sees drugs on Kyle’s table.]

Jake: Drugs? Are you addicted?

Kyle: So what, Donny Dorko? I need them to write. Ah, no, what am I saying? I have so many problems and secrets.

Michael: Well, we’re here  to listen, Kyle.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Yes, we wanna know more about your life and how you got here.

Kyle: Okay, I guess it’s time for me to get serious.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: Hey, Kyle Mooney here and I can’t wait to take you behind the scenes of my new weekly segment for SNL, Serious Nightl Live.

[Cut back to the show]

Kyle: I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m going to keep on writing and I don’t need to listen to you, you jealous [bleep].

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: So yeah, this was a fun one. I love dramatic shows and movies. And I love SNL and I’m like, can we combine them? That’s never been done, right? Let’s go behind the scenes. Come on. So serious Night Live is the new dramatic non comedy series I’m going to be doing every week at the show.

Michael: [reading his dialog] They don’t like it when it’s turned in late.

Kyle: Yes. Great.

Kyle narrating: Sort of an 824 Meet Safty Brothers vibe. Kind of scary, kind of sexy, but I knew I just had to nail it. Right Mikey? I’m reading for the role of Mikey. Let’s hear it.

Mikey: Hey, Kyle, what are you working on?

Kyle: That’s a choice. We’ll be in touch man.

Mikey: Okay.

Kyle: Might want to stick to sketch comedy but–

Kyle narrating: So yeah, the show tackles current SNL drama, but just like Godfather II, we also get to see Kyle’s rise to get here. His troubled past growing up as a kid named Kyle.

[Kyle looking for a kid Kyle actor]

Kyle: I’ll just play the kid. Looking like Irishman me or something. Jesus!

Kyle narrating: But first, we had to get the thumbs up from the big man. Hey, Lorne, Serious Night Live, what do we think?

Lorne: Kyle Get out of my office?

Kyle: Lauren, very biting wit.

Kyle narrating: So unlike normal sketches, I had to pay about $85,000 of my own money, the crew, the lights, had to pay for the DA gene effects, which turned out great.

Kid Kyle: Let’s make a video.

Kyle narrating: Plus the drugs were actually real. And that was really expensive. And the guys who sold them to me sort of wanted to stick around. Didn’t love them, but it’s serious Night Live. And we got Jake Gyllenhaal and he totally brought us A game.

Jake narrating: Kyle offered me $40,000 cash to act in this thing and said it was legitimate crew. I said yes because, I don’t know, I felt bad. I don’t really know the guy. He’s not really on the show that much, right? That’s gotta be tough.

Kyle: [bugging Jake] Killing like Gyllenhaal. Dude, great shoot. Wanna get drinks later?

Jake: Oh, sorry, dude. I gotta rehearse for the show now.

Kyle: No worries. Happy to drink alone. Any word if I’m in sketches this week? Sort of got f-ed over last Saturday.

Kyle narrating: Well, that’s a wrap on Serious Night Live. I hope you enjoyed it. I did spend a lot of money. Obviously, I’m almost 40. If this doesn’t take off in a really big way, there’s probably no reason for me to be in show business. Or even alive. So please just [bleep] tweet about it.

Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson Confirmation Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Ketanji Brown Jackson… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

Thurgood Marshall… Kenan Thompson

Harriet Tubman… Punkie Johnson

Jackie Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at the White House]

Joe Biden: Wow, what a day. Your speak was terrific, Ketanji. I’m sorry, I mean, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I bet you can’t say that three times fast.

Joe Biden: I’m shocked I was able to say it one time slow.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you, Mr. President. I’m so grateful, you put me your trust in me.

Joe Biden: Hey, I made a campaign promise to put a black woman on the court and I did. So that’s one campaign promise down and only 74 to go.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I was happy to do my part. Work twice as hard as a white man my entire life and then spend a week listening to Ted Cruz call me a pedophile.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Mr. President, the reception starts in five minutes.

Joe Biden: Thanks. I should go get ready. But Ketaji, it’s a big damn deal. You’re the first black female justice, but won’t be the last. It’s just a normal thing now, like wearing crocs in public?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you.

Joe Biden: Well, you know, take a moment in this room. Feel the weight of history. Sometimes I like to imagine talking to all the great Americans who came before me. You understand what I’m trying to say?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: That you miss Obama?

Joe Biden: Every day. Like crazy.

Chloe: Mr. President, we really really have to go.

Joe Biden: Okay. I’ll see you in a minute. Take your time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Wow. There is a lot of history in this room. Who would I want to talk to? I know.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Nice to meet you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, how is this possible?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: You tell me. It’s your imagination? All right. What do you wanna know?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I’d love to know what advice you have for me as a woman on the Supreme Court.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Okay. Here’s my advice. Always label your lunches. A lot of other justices, they got sticky fingers. And second, if you’re anything like me, white ladies will start wearing buttons to your face like ‘I Voted’ sticker. It’s freaky, but they mean well. Anyway, I just wants to say, I’m so proud of you. I know you can do a great job.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you. That means a lot.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: And look, I know your confirmation process put you through the wringer. But in the end, people do the right thing. I mean, I was confirmed with the Senate 96:3, right? So what was your vote?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: 53:47:fortyseven? Well, yeah, a lot of them walked out and one guy kept asking me if babies are racist.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ted Cruz

Ketanji Brown Jackson: You know, it was. You should have seen that man. He actually sat there on TV and read a children’s book at me.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Well, it was Ted Cruz. So I bet the book was called ‘Good night Cancun’, and that’s a Gins-Burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg leaves dancing]

[Thurgood Marshall walks in]

Thurgood Marshall: Did I miss it? Did I miss the Gins-burn? Oh, dang.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Oh, my God, Justice Thurgood Marshall.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes, that’s exactly who you’re imagining. What an exciting day. We’ve come a long way.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thanks to you. You were on the frontlines of the civil rights movement?

Thurgood Marshall: Yep. Yep. I was there when people of color in this country came together with one voice and said enough is enough. And then white folks said, “We’ll, think about it.” But that was a different time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Some things are still sort of similar.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes? Is there the threat of nuclear war with Russia?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yes.

Thurgood Marshall: Inflation still popping off?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: For sure.

Thurgood Marshall: Is Joe Biden is still a politician?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Very much so. So what advice do you have for me as a person of color on the Supreme Court?

Thurgood Marshall: Well, never give up. Democracy can be slow and messy. It stumbles, but over time, it moves forward. I mean, I was the first black Supreme Court justice. So you must be what, the 10th? The 20th?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, just the third.

Thurgood Marshall: No further questions, your honor.

[Harriet Tubman walks in]

Harriet Tubman: Yeah, I have some questions.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Harriet Tubman?

Harriet Tubman: That’s right. Conductor of the Underground Railroad. My question is, what are we doing in the White House? Did we get in trouble?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Not at all. Actually, because of the bravery of women like you, a lot of doors opened up to a lot of people. I’m on the Supreme Court.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I have a seat at the table.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: And I’m going to have this job for the rest of my life.

Harriet Tubman: Don’t like that. Sounds like a trap.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no, no, it’s not like that.

Harriet Tubman: Okay, okay. But if it is, light two candles and meet me in a farmhouse at midnight.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no.I’m good. I’m just excited to get to work. But I would like to talk to one more person who broke down a barrier.

[Jackie Robinson walks in]

Jackie Robinson: Well, that’s me, Jackie Robinson. First black player in the Major Leagues and let me tell you, being the first is kind of fun. Yeah, it’s fun. Here’s my advice, watch out for batteries. You will get so many batteries thrown at you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yeah, I think the Supreme Court is too civilized for that.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s what they said about baseball. But they still do those damn batteries. Wish we had helmets back then, ha-ha-ha. But the good news is you’ll probably be making a lot more money than a measly a baseball player.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I wish. Baseball players today average about $Ruth Bader Ginsburg million a year.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, excuse me for a second. [covers his face with the gloves and screams out loud] Thank you. I’ve been holding it in since 1947.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thank you all for your advice. It’s a lot of pressure but I will do everything I can to honor your legacy.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s great. So even the bad players the millionaires?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yep.

Jackie Robinson: Ain’t that something?

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.