Tag: episode 18

Murdur Durdur

Alex Moffat

Care… Kate McKinnon

Policeman… Bowen Yang

Owen… Beck Bennett

Woman… Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a movie intro. Alex and Care are investigating a murder]

Male voice: In a small town somewhere between New York and DC.

Alex: County sent me to see this investigation.

Male voice: Comes another story of grizzled lady detective.

Care: Cell me Care. Everybody else does.

Bowen: A jogger found the body over there.

Alex: What do we know so far?

Care: I don’t know we know. All I know is what we don’t know.

Male voice: With a very specific accent.

[Care looks at the dead body’s face]

Care: Oh, no. I know her. It’s Owen’s dudur (daughter).

Alex: Durdur?

Care: Did I stir? The durdur has been murdered.

Alex: Oh, daughter.

Male voice: You’ve seen dead teens in New York, Chicago and Boston. But what about another city with very specific white? Pennsylvania whites.

[Two police officers ad eating

Care: Would you quit eating wawa hoagies over the body, please?

Police officers: Sorry, boss.

Male voice: From the makers of “Mare of Easttown” and “It’s always sunny in Philadelphia”, comes–

[Owen comes in]

Owen: No. Is it my durdur?

Care: Owen, she’s murdered.

Owen: They murdered my durdur?

Care: I’m afraid so.

Owen: [falls on his knees] My durdur! My baby durdur, and they murdered her!

Male voice: Murder Durdur, an extremely Pennsylvania crime show.

Care: I’m going to Yngling to take the edge off.

Owen: Oh, thanks Care.

Male voice: Highly accurate”, says the Delco-Daily. “The writers clearly googled. They knew the foods and the towns.”

[The detectives are looking at the map]

Bowen: Thur in this third matches the stin down the Daninton.

Care: The roras for Pesho Casen.

Bowen: Pesco cho hankin?

Care: No, Pesho Casen. Over by the Jangoff bridge.

Alex: Great. And you guys can spell that for me later?

Male voice: Starring an actress with a messy ponytail that says “Forget, I’m actually British.”

[Cut to Care interrogating a woman]

Care: Mandi (Monday) night, how did she get hum (home).

Woman: I told you. She got um on her own.

Care: Show me your phone.

Woman: Fine. But I ain’t murder no one’s durdur. I have no idea how she ended up in the wooter (water).

Care: What wooter?

Male voice: The New York time says, “So authentically Pennsylvania, I’m assuming. Absolutely everyone was related to each other.”

Bowen: Look, Care, I know why you’re a cop. Because your pop was a cop. And your pop pop was a cop. And your pop pop’s pop pop was the original Philly fanatic. It’s not your fault your son drowned in the schuylkill on purpose.

Alex: How does he know all that?

Care: Because he is my cousint (cousin). And he’s my cousint [pointing at another guy]. And that’s my ex-husbands (husband) [pointing at another guy]. And that girl–

Heidi: Hey, Care.

Alex: Let me guess, your cousint?

Care: No. It’s my grandurr.

Alex: Granddaughter? How old are you?

Care: I’m Philly 40.

Male voice: Constantly overcast. A creek and three bad homes. And moments of true suspense.

[Alex and Care are in the woods at night with flash lights. They hear something moving.]

Alex: Wait, is that the killer?

Care: No, that’s just Gritty.  [Someone’s wearing full Gritty costume and running way] Hey, Gritty, go flyers! [Gritty waves his hand]

[Cut to Owen walking into the police station]

Owen: Cap, I’m going to murder whoever murdered my durdur.

Care: Owen. I don’t know who did your durdur’s murder, alright?

[a pastor walks in with a girls bicycle]

Pastor: I need some help. I’m father Delbert, you durdur and I were friends.

Care: Oh! Okay. So, he did it. He is the durdur murderer.

Pastor: You got me.

Male voice: Murdur durdur, this is where Joe Biden is from. Wow.

Mother’s Day Message Cold Open

[Starts with Miley Cyrus on SNL stage]

Miley Cyrus: Tomorrow is Mother’s day, and this is for all the moms out there.

[singing] It’s been a long dark night
And I’ve been waiting for the morning
It’s been a long hard fight
But I see a brand new day dawning

I’ve been looking for the sunshine
You know I ain’t seen it in so long
Everything’s gonna work out just fine
Everything’s gonna be all right
That’s been all wrong

Now, let’s get some moms out here.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon and her mother]

Kate: Thank you for coming, mama.

Kate’s Mom: So Kate, is there any chance you’re going to be doing Mary Katherine Gallagher?

Kate: Molly Shannon is not on the show anymore, but it seems like you’re doing Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Kate’s Mom: Let’s do it.

Kate: Okay.

[Both jumps with their both arms up]

Both: Mother’s Day!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and her mother]

Aidy: Hi, mom.

Aidy’s Mom: Aidy, I missed you so much. But at least I could see on on your show.

Aidy: Oh, mom. Well, it’s not just my show.

Aidy’s Mom: I mean, “Shrill”, season three, out now on Hulu.

Aidy: Very good job, mom. I love you.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and his mother]

Kyle: I am so happy I get to be with you this mother’s day. I really missed you last year.

Kyle’s Mom: Now, you owe me two gifts.

Kyle: Cool. I kind of thought the trip here was the gift.

Kyle’s Mom: No!

[Cut back to Miley Cyrus]

Speaker 1: [singing] Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day

[Cut to Beck Bennett and his mother]

Beck: So good to see you, mom.

Beck’s Mom: I’m so proud of you, Beck.

Beck: Aw, mom.

Beck’s Mom: Okay. And your brothers too.

Beck: Okay. But can tonight be about me?

[Cut to Mikey Day and his mother]

Mikey: I missed you, mom.

Mikey’s Mom: I can’t wait to give you a hug.

Mikey: Aw, mom.

Mikey’s Mom: I’m talking about Beck Bennett.

[Cut to Mikey Day and Beck Bennett both with their mothers]

Beck: Hi, Sylvia.

[Cut to Chris Redd and his mother]

Chris: Hey, mama.

Chris’s Mom: Good to see you, baby. I haven’t seen you since Thanksgiving and Christmas, and our big spring break vacation in Miami.

Chris: [laughing] Ha-ha, mama, shut up. You funny.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner with her mother]

Heidi: Thank you for being here, mom.

Heidi’s Mom: I wouldn’t miss it.

Heidi: And they didn’t write me a joke. I don’t know why.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson with his mother]

Kenan: This is my mom, the woman who taught me everything I know. Including how to do reaction shots. Isn’t that right, mom?

Kenan’s Mom: You know I did.

[Cut back to Mikey Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] It’s been a long long time
Since I’ve known the taste of freedom
Those clinging vines
That had me bound but I don’t need ’em

I’ve been like a captured eagle
You know an eagle’s born to fly
And now that I have won my freedom
Like an eagle I’m eager for the sky

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor with her mother]

Melissa: Hey, mom.

Melissa’s Mom: Hi, sweetie. I love your impressions. You can do anybody.

Melissa: [smiling] You can do anybody.

Melissa’s Mom: Who was that?

Melissa: You.

Melissa’s Mom: That one needs work.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman with her mother]

Chloe: I love you, mom. You’re my best friend.

Chloe’s Mom: Oh, awkward. You dad is my best friend.

Chloe: Wow. Okay. And we better go. Dad’s asking Elon Musk for financial advice.

[Cut to Bowen Yang with his mother]

Bowen: I’m so happy you’re here, mom.

Bowen’s Mom: Me too, Bowen.

[Bowen’s mom kisses Bowen’s cheek. Then she puts Pirell on his cheek and wipes it.]

Bowen: Mom, don’t Pirell my face.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim with her mother]

Ego: Mom, you’re a doctor. Is everything going to be alright?

Ego’s Mom: Yes.

Ego: Are you proud of me?

Ego’s Mom: Yes.

Ego: Would you be more proud of me if I were a doctor?

Ego’s Mom: Of course!

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day

[Cut to Lauren Holt and Punkie Johnson with their mothers. They all have wine glasses in their hands.]

Lauren: Thank you to our amazing moms.

Punkie: Yeah, ma, I wouldn’t be here without you. Let’s cheers.

[Their moms drink the whole glass of wine at once]

Damn, ma!

Lauren: My god!

Punkie’s Mom: What? It’s been a long year.

Lauren’s Mom: I’ll drink to that.

[Cut to Pete Davidson with his mother]

Pete: Hey, mom.

Pete’s Mom: Sorry, I almost didn’t make it, Petey. I was up till six playing Madame with Chalamet.

Pete: Mom, you have to be more responsible. You had me worried sick.

[Cut to Colin Jost with his mother. His mother is holding cards.]

Colin: Hey, mom, what’s on this index cards?

Colin’s Mom: Michael Che gave them to me. He is so nice. He said to read them for the first time on live TV.

Colin: Yeah, you shouldn’t do that, mom. It’s a trap. You’re going to get our whole family canceled.

[Cut to Cecily Strong with her mother]

Cecily: Hi, mom. I’m so happy you’re here.

Cecily’s Mom: I know. It’s been over a year. [silence] Honey, say the punch line.

Cecily: I can’t. I’m too happy.

[Heidi walks in with her mother]

Heidi: Okay, if you’re not going to say the joke, can I have it?

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] I’m gonna be alright
everything’s gonna be alright

everything’s gonna be alright

it’s gonna be okay

[everyone joins Miley Cyrus with their moms]

Happy Mother’s Day to my godmother, Dolly Parton and to my mom too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Gen Z Hospital

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Nurse… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Doctor… Elon Musk

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the thrilling conclusion of Gen Z Hospital.

[Cut to three people waiting in a hospital]

Mikey: Well, nobody’s telling us anything, is bestie going to be okay?

Ego: Nurse, we demand to know how our bestie is doing.

[nurse is wearing pink outfit and she had her hair dyed pink]

Nurse: I’m sorry, bro, I told you I don’t have that information yet.

Kate: Bro, seriously?

Bowen: I’m so pressed right now, bro.

Nurse: Don’t be pressed. Doctor will be in shortly, bro. Dead ass.

Heidi: Yo! If this doctor keeps leaving us on red, he’s going to catch hands on gang.

Ego: Na, na, it’s gonna be okay. Bestie cannot die like this.

Mikey: Big facts. She’s gonna make it, bro.

Kate: There’s the doctor now.

[doctor walks out]

Doctor: Is this Mogan’s squad?

Bowen: Gang, gang.

Kate: Doctor, please tell us what’s up with our bestie?

Doctor: You all might wanna sit down. What I have to say right now would be a little cringe.

Heidi: Just give us the tea.

Doctor: Okay. Well, as you may have seen it on our live, your bestie took a major L while driving her hellcat.

Bowen: Yeah, we saw.

Doctor: We tried everything we could in surgery and it was a sus for a while. But we have your bestie on our machine and we’re doing everything we can.

Kate: So, bestie is going to be okay, right?

Doctor: I’m sorry, but at this particular time, that’s looking like cap.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: Bro, can we see her?

Doctor: Unfortunately, not right now, bro. You know the vibes. But I promise if anything changes, I’ll pull up.

Mikey: Say less, bro.

Ego: And thank you, doctor. You a real one.

Kate: We stan you.

Doctor: And I stan you. I can only imagine the feels you’re going through right now. if you’ll excuse me.

Mikey: Bro! I’m extra salty right now. How could bestie be so irresponsible?

Bowen: Yo, millions of people flip their hellcat on live everyday cuh!

Ego: Yeah, you know that could have happened to anyone in the game.

Ego: I know, but when it’s bestie, it just hits different.

Mikey: Yeah, specially since bestie is my mom.

Bowen: Yo, she’s not just your mom.

Heidi: She is all our work moms.

Kate: Exactly. But please, go off, king.

Mikey: But she’s actually my mother, bro. So, it’s like a little different.

Ego: High key, it’s not though.

Bowen: Yeah. Take several seats respectfully, flaw!

Kate: Look, the doctor’s coming back in.

Doctor: Hey guys, so, big yikes. While I was out here trumping up with you, your bestie took a turn for the worst.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: You capping!

Doctor: Unfortunately, no cap. She’s literally dead right now.

Kate: So, she’s laughing?

Bowen: That’s good news.

Doctor: No. I mean she’s literally dead. Dead dead.

All: Bro!

Bowen: I pretend I do not hear it.

Heidi: Bro! I am so done right now!

Mikey: I am so dead that she is dead. Can we see her?

Doctor: Of course, but please, try not to get all extra. Sis?

[Nurse walks in with an urn]

Mikey: Bro, you already cremated her?

Doctor: No, this is empty.

Nurse: This just looks way better for the gram than a dead body.

Kate: That urn is really iconic.

Bowen: Fire.

Doctor: Take all the time you need.

[Doctor passes the urn to Mikey]

Mikey: Thanks, bro. I guess we should all say something, right? It’s the unconditional support and being a great mom for me.

Bowen: It’s the having 200,000 followers for me.

Kate: It’s the always doing donuts in your hellcat for me.

Heidi: It’s letting NBA Young Boy smasher all-star weekend for me.

Ego: It’s the “always bringing back henny from vacation” for me.

Doctor: Well, I don’t know. But it’s “I have full coverage” for me.

Mikey: That was beautiful, doctor bro. Alright, let’s get a pic. Come on. Crowd in.

[They all take a group selfie.]

Elon Musk Monologue

Elon Musk

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Elon Musk.

[Elon Musk walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Elon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s an honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I mean that. Sometimes, after I say something, I have to say “I mean that” so people really know I mean it. That’s because I don’t always have a lot of intonation or variation in how I speak. Which I’m told makes for great comedy. I’m actually making history night as the first person with Aspergers to host SNL. [cheers and applause] Or at least the first to admit it. So, I won’t make a lot of eye contact with the cast tonight. But don’t worry, I’m pretty good at running ‘human’ in emulation mode.

I’d first like to share with you my vision for the future. I believe in a renewable energy future. I believe that humanity must become a multi planetory space baring civilization. Those seem like exciting goals, don’t they? Now I think, if I just posted that on Twitter, I’d be fine. But I also write things like [Cut to Elon Musk’s tweet] “69 days after 4/20 again haha”. [Cut back to Elon Musk] I don’t know. I thought it was funny. That’s why I wrote ‘haha’ at the end.

Look, I know I sometimes say or post strange things, but that’s just how my brain works. To anyone offended, I just want to say I reinvented electric cars and I’m sending people to Mars in a rocket ship. Did you think I’m also going to be a chill normal dude?

Now, a lot of times people are reduced to the dumbest thing they ever did. Like one time, I smoked weed on Joe Rogan’s pocast. And now, all the time I hear, “Elon Musk, all he does is smoke weed on podcast.” Like I go to podcast to podcast lighting up joints. It happened once. It’s like producing OJ Simpson to “Murderer”. That was one time. Fun fact, OJ also hosted the show in 79, and again in 96. Killed both times.

One reason I’ve always loved SNL is because it’s genuinely live. A lot of people don’t realize that. We’re actually live right now. Which means I could say something cruelly shocking like, “I drive a Prius”.

SNL is also a great way to learn something new about the host. For example, this is my son’s name. [His son’s name appears on the screen] It’s pronounced – cat running across keyboard.

Another thing people want to know is what was I like as a kid? The answer is pretty much the same as now but smaller. But we’ll also ask my mother who is here tonight.

[Elon Musk ‘s mother walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Her name is Maye, like a month but with the ‘e’ at the end.

Elon’s Mom: Thanks for spelling my name, Elon.

Elon: Mom, do you remember when I was 12 and I created my own video game called ‘Blast Star’ about a space ship that battles aliens?

Elon’s Mom: I do. I remember they paid you $500 but you were too young to open a bank account, so I had to open one for you.

Elon: That’s right. What happened to that bank account?

Elon’s Mom: That’s not important. You turned that video game about space into reality.

Elon: Unless you consider that our reality might be a video game and we’re all just computer simulations being played by a teenager on another planet.

Elon’s Mom: That’s great, Elon. Well, break a leg tonight. I love you very much.

Elon: I love you too, mom.

Elon’s Mom: And I’m excited for my Mother’s Day gift. I just hope it’s not Dogecoin.

Elon: It is. It sure is. Okay. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Cowboy Standoff

Earl… Kyle Mooney

Louisa… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Jasper.. Alex Moffat

Kenan Thompson

Leron… Elon Musk

[Starts with a group of cowboys running around town]

Male voice: Tell ’em, the Pearl River gang ain’t messing around.

[Cut to Earl inside a bar. He is shot.]

Louisa: Oh my goodness, Earl!

[Earl groaning]

[Four men rush in]

Beck: We came as soon as we could.

Jasper: What happened?

Louisa: The Pearl River gang came through town. They shot Earl.

Earl: I’m fine. It’s just a scratch.

Jasper: That gang is out of control. We got to do something about it.

Kenan: Well, they’s always holed up in them foothills outside of Santa Fe. I reckon we go and give them taste of their own medicine.

Beck: Run straight at ’em, guns blazing.

Jasper: Hoo-whee! Let’s ride!

Leron: Or… hear me out on this. We can tunnel down into the earth and come up underneath them.

Beck: What?

Leron: They’re expecting a direct attack. But if we tunnel into the earth, we could come up underneath them and surprise them.

Jasper: Oh my god, there gives the genius talking about tunnels.

Louisa: Tunnels? Leron, I thought you was the electric horse guy.

Kenan: Yeah, isn’t that your’s plugged in outside?

[There’s a horse outside tied to a Tesla charging station.]

Leron: Sure. I do like, electric horses and self driving horses which are just horses. But I’ve also built a machine that can dig a tunnel 10 times faster than a gopher. I propose that we use it to ambush the Pearls River gang. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Beck: The hell you laughing at?

Leron: I just realized that Pearls River is an anagram for prevail err. Perhaps their prevailing error is not expecting sneak attack. He-he-he-he-he.

Jasper: Is this guy, like, slow?

Kenan: Yeah. Why you always saying stuff like that? Leron? Just be normal. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel.

Leron: Hmm.

Jasper: Ah! Dammit! Now he’s thinking about reinventing a new kind of wheel.

Beck: And besides, if we ambush that gang, we’ll never find out where they hid all their gold.

Leron: Oh yeah. I was thinking about that too. What if instead of panning for gold, we just create our own currency?

Kenan: Currency?

Jasper: Yeah. And what the heck would it be based on?

Leron: Whatever we say it’s based on?

Beck: [yelling] That ain’t how money works! Money is the golden rock that we dig out of the ground. Then we hope no one kills us before we trade it for pieces of green paper. It’s a perfect system.

Louisa: I don’t know, guys. Leron sounds pretty rich. I mean, smart. I think maybe I should spend some time with him upstairs so you guys check down that gang.

Leron: I would love nothing more than to fornicate with you, Louisa. But the overwhelming odds are that you have syphilis.

Louisa: Excuse me?

Leron: It’s actually a compliment. It means you’re successful at your job, which is a prostitute.

Louisa: Oh, well then, thank you, Leron. See? This is is a gentleman.

Beck: Then I’d just like to say I think you have syphilis as well.

Louisa: Hey! [slaps Beck] It don’t work when you say it. When Leron says it, it’s fine. Because he’s eccentric.

Jasper: Alright, enough! Okay, look. It’s not like Leron’s always right about everything.

Kenan: Yeah, what about that time we robbed a bank and he refuse to wear a mask?

Leron: Okay. For a while, I thought masks were dumb. But now I admit, masks make sense.

Jasper: Okay, see? Now, the plan is simple. The Pearl River gang came after us with guns, we’re going after them with guns. End of story.

Leron: Now let’s take a vote. Who wants to follow Jasper to a gun fight that will almost certainly result in your death. And who wants to do mine, genius tunnel plan?

All: Gun fight.

Leron: Hah! I don’t know why I even try.

Earl: Hey, I’m in too. Just need a minute.

Louisa: Oh, Earl.

[singing] He might not be the best at drinks
he might give off a couple of stinks,

but of all bartenders in the world
we don’t know one as fun as Earl

Leron: Wait, the closing song was about Earl? But I’m making the old west the new west.

All: [singing] Earl!

Male voice: History always remembered, Earl.

Chad on Mars

Elon Musk

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Miley Cyrus

Mitchen… Mikey Day

Chad… Pete Davidson

[Starts with people having intense moment at Space-X headquarters]

Elon Musk: I came as soon as I could. What’s the situation at Mars?

Melissa: A solar storm. Biggest we’ve ever seen. It caused significant damage to the colony.

Chris: And the life support systems are down. They’re running out of air, sir.

[Cut to people at the Mars colony.]

Miley: The oxygen is dropping fast.

Elon Musk: There’s a back up O2 circulator outside of the habitat. One of them just needs to turn it on.

Melissa: The radiation levels outside are too high. It would be a suicide mission.

Mitchen: Sir, one of the colonist has volunteered. He’s on box now.

Elon Musk: So, there are still heroes in this world. Hello, who am I speaking to?

Chad: Chad!

Elon Musk: Chad, this is Elon Musk.

Chad: Who?

Elon Musk: Elon Musk. I’m in charge of the whole Mars colonization project.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Elon Musk: Chad, I want to make sure that you understand you won’t survive this mission.

Chad: Okay.

Elon Musk: To save your fellow colonists, you have to make ultimate sacrifice.

Chad: Ha-ha, sack.

Mitchen: Chad, this is Mitchen with ground command. Make your way to the airlock and begin exit procedures.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad wears the suit and walks towards the exit door. Miley walks to him.]

Miley: Chad. Aren’t you gonna say goodbye?

Chad: Bye!

Miley: Chad, I’ll always cherish what we’ve had together.

Chad: Okay.

Miley: Oh god, I wish we could make love just one last time.

[Chad takes off his space suit]

Chad: Sick.

Miley: But we can’t.

Chad: It’s all good.

Miley: Chad, there’s something that you should know before you go. I’m pregnant.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Miley: The baby is your’s. You’re gonna be a father chad.

Chad: No, thank you.

[Chad presses the button and the door closes]

[Chad walks outside]

Mitchen: Alright, Chad, I’m going to walk you through the procedure step by step. How do you feel?

Chad: Balls are sweaty.

Mitchen: I’m sorry to hear that. Before we turn the oxygen supply on, we need to vent the carbon dioxide. What’s the pressure reading on the tank?

[The pressure reading is 80085]

Chad: Boobs.

[disturbance]

Mitchen: Ah, you broke up a little there. But this is very important. You’ll need to pull the release lever slowly because of the pressure–

[Chad pulls out the release lever at once. It blasts and this Chad.]

Mitchen: Chad, are you alright?

Chad: All good.

[Chad walks to the circulator and presses the button]

Female voice in the colony: Oxygen levels restored.

Chris: O2 levels are climbing. He did it.

[everyone’s clapping]

Elon Musk: Make the feed public. Everyone needs to see this.

[The video of Chad is broadcasting everywhere.]

Elon Musk: Chad, the world can see you right now. Do you have anything you want to say?

Chad: [farts] Safety.

Elon Musk: Let the camera get a good look at your face, Chad. I want the world to see the man who gave everything to ensure that humanity’s future will be among the stars.

Chad: Okay

[Chad is trying to open is helmet]

Mitchen: No, no, no, don’t take your–

[Chad pulls off his helmet. His head bursts.]

Miley: Oh, damn!

Elon Musk: Well, I did say people are going to die. I was never here.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Trump’s Valet Tests Positive for Coronavirus

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Micahel Che in their home]

Colin Jost: Welcome to the last Weekend Update Home Edition, we think. I’m Colin Jost. ne.

Micahel Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left side.]

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. A personal Valet who handles president Trump’s meals has tested positive for the coronavirus. The news was first reported on CNN while the anchors tried not to smile. Trump also traveled to Arizona to visit a factory making respirator masks and you’re totally going to believe this, he didn’t wear a mask. He did however wear goggles for some reason. And I gotta say, he looks special. He looks like they talked him out of wearing a cape. I’m not saying the virus started in a laboratory, but if it did, it was a guy who looked like this who snuck in at night to pet the bats.

Micahel Che: Look. Obviously, this pandemic has been tough for everybody. I lost my grandmother. Colin, you lost J. Crew. Everything’s changing so fast. But what if this is my last time on TV? That sounds dramatic but I got a whole summer to survive. I mean, not just the virus, I got to worry about the police. You know, 40 people were arrested in New York for not social distancing and 35 of them were black, four were hispanic and only one was white. I guess white people are harder to catch coz they’re all greased up in sunscreen at Central Park, right Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m not ready to joke about J Crew yet. Tara Reade, the woman who accused Joe Biden of sexual assault is calling on him to drop out of the race. Replied Biden, “Wait, I’m still on the race?”

I don’t know whether the allegations against Joe Biden are true and I’m not sure Joe Biden does either. He probably has an easier time remembering Tara Reade if her name was like, Waffle Fries Johnson. What I do know is this is a really good argument for a female president. Like, you’ll never hear about Angela Merkel just grabbing some dude’s crotch. And if she did, it would be with a consent at a bdsm club in Dusseldorf.

Micahel Che: I mean, it’s just too much for me to worry about. You know, two white men in Georgia shot a black man for jogging in their neighborhood, Colin. Jogging! Said he looked suspicious. Look, I don’t want to brag, but I live in a very, very, very white neighborhood. And I spent so much of my time trying not to look suspicious to white neighbors. It’s exhausting. I don’t even feel comfortable wearing mask in public coz I feel it’s entrapment. But even I can’t think of something less suspicious in a white neighborhood than jogging. Except maybe tinkering on a trans am listening to Whitesnake or walking a toddler on a leash. I mean, what else can we do?

Colin Jost: Axl Rose from Guns N’ Roses got into a twitter feud with Steve Mnuchin over administration’s coronavirus response. And no matter what your politics are, I think we can all agree that’s the dumbest sentence to ever count as news. Mnuchin attacked Axl Rose writinge “What have you done for this country?” Well, what Axl Rose did for this country was, his band tried to win the war on drugs by doing all the cocaine themselves.

Micahel Che: And Colin, now they got murder hornets coming out. Did you hear about the murder hornets? So, let me get this straight. I got to try to survive this summer, the coronavirus, the police, basic cardio and now big ass murder hornets? Is this real life or am I on “American Ninja Warrior?” Why do I feel like I’m living in the old testament? Look, if I get murdered by giant hornets, that’s just on me, man. I had it coming. Okay? I guess that just serves me, right? Call it karma. But Colin, just don’t tell my parents or wikipedia that the hornets got me. Just say it was the police orr I was masturbating with a belt and miscalculate the timing or something. Anything else to save me some dignity. Coz I can’t let history know me as that.

Colin Jost: The New YOrk subway will be closed for several hours every night to give workers time to thoroughly clean the trains. While the Staten Island ferry will be closed for 30 seconds to be sprayed with Drakkar Noir.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Tina Fey on Mother’s Day

Michael Che

Tina Fey

[Starts with Michael Che in his home]

Michael Che: And here with a message for mothers this Mother’s Day is our old friend, Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Hello. Thank you, Che. I hope this email finds you well.

Michael Che: Well, How have you ben holding up during this quarantine?

Tina Fey: Michael, I can only say, so far, so good. Like, so many of us, I’m trying to focus on the positive. This is a historic time. An opportunity to be still and focus on what really matters in life. For example, I’m getting to spend so much more time with my passwords. Apple ID, Hulu, Nintendo, Slack, Zoom, Google Hangouts, Spectrum Cable, Amazon, that other stupid Amazon app for watching things. All my passwords are a little bit different and beautiful in their own way. And I see that now. Also, my kids are here.

Michael Che: Oh.

Tina Fey: And yes, it’s stressful to be in New York sometimes. I miss going to the grocery store. But there are so many great hacks you get off the internet. For example, did you know that if you’re baking cookies and you don’t have any flour, you can just go to bed. Yeah, you can all just shut your mouths and go to bed. I’m focusing on the many beautiful lessons I’ve learned. Do you know that the phrase- ‘viney bitretum savitas ponum’ means in Latin?

Michael Che: Nope.

Tina Fey: It doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know Latin, Che. but now I’m in charge of teaching it to my kids. I’ve been making up gibberish and saying that’s Latin. I’m sorry, school.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Tina Fey: And it’s okay to try to find little moments of levity and joy. When the news is too much and I need to laugh, I like to think about three months ago when everyone was so worried about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh my god. You’re free, guys. No one cares who pays for your Vancouver security detail anymore. I can’t even remember what they look like. I think they both have eyes. Anyway, Che, I wanted to offer a special prayer for mothers everywhere this Mother’s Day. This mother’s day give us the grace to accept the things that cannot be changed. Like, the sheets. I can’t do it anymore, Che. I’ve changed them eight times already. Shouldn’t they just be clean forever now? Give us the courage to change the things we can. Like, our Zoom background, from a tropical beach to a picture of Governor Cuomo holding you like a baby. You can hit his nipple ring like a rattle. To a picture of my foot, two months ago when it still looked human. Mothers, may you take this journey one day at a time. This pandemic is far from over and there will be many emotional ups and downs. Ride those waves, mothers. Ride them like, a day drunk boomer at currently open Georgia Water Park. #ad #CatchTheFun. May we be kind to ourselves. Remember, the only way out of a feeling is through it. Don’t be afraid to be emotional in front of your kids. These are crying times. Let them see you open mouth chew cold spaghetti while you scream words like “moron.” and “dunning kruger syndrome, look it up. He definitely has it,” at the news program of your choice. And if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, repeat these words to yourself. Repeat after me, Che. I am a good mother.

Michael Che: I am a good mother.

Tina Fey: My children know they’re loved.

Michael Che: My children have hopefully all been prevented.

Tina Fey: It’s not a blue state bailout, you turkey face.

Michael Che: It is not a blue state bailout, you all white meat turkey!

Tina Fey: In this moment, I am okay.

Michael Che: In this moment, I am okay.

Tina Fey: I smell fine.

Michael Che: When you say it like that, it makes me feel like you don’t, so…

Tina Fey: Lastly, lord, and most importantly– I couldn’t write this last part because I can’t focus anymore, Che.

Michael Che: Tina Fey everybody.

Tina Fey: Thank you, nurses. Thank you, doctors. Thank you, doormen.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Panda Express & Tom Cruise in Space

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Panda Express employees around the country are reporting an increase in racism directed at them due to the coronavirus. But it’s way worse for employees over at ‘Bat on a Stick.’

Michael Che: ESPN announced that it will start airing South Korean baseball games. So, I hope they don’t have trouble pronouncing the names of South Korean players like, Yang Heyon-Jong or Kim Jae-Hwan and god, I hope I’m not butchering this one,  Preston Tucker.

Colin Jost: Vermont police arrested a man who went into Dunkin’ Donuts and exposed himself to the clerk. Worse, he turned a regular coffee into a latte.

Michael Che: It was reported that Tom Cruise is working with Space X and NASA to film the first movie ever shot in space. Shot in space? Uh, SpaceJam?

A 93 year old man maid at a nursing home in California Hitchhiked to a local convenient store so he could buy a chocolate bar to split with his girlfriend. And also a box of Magnum XLs.

Colin Jost: Elon Musk and Grimes have named their baby this [X Æ A-Colin JostMichael Che appears on the screen], which I assume is the number you dial on California for child services.

Michael Che: GoDaddy has shut down a website that hosted a Miss Hitler beauty pageant. Coincidentally, Miss Hitler beauty pageant was the working title for the Ingraham Angle. By the way, Colin, if you’re wondering who the winner of the Miss Hitler pageant was, Miss Isreal.

Colin Jost: The actor who played the Mountain on The Game of Thrones set a new world record by deadlifting 1100 lbs in a competition. Unfortunately, officials still gave the gold medal to Bran for some [bleep] reason.

Michael Che: One of Michael Jordan’s former teammates Craig Hodges is criticizing Jordan saying that he broke the player’s code by revealing in the new documentary ‘The Last Dance’ that he saw teammates having cocaine party. Hodges said he’s like an apology from Jordan as well as just 20 bucks, or 10 bucks, or 5 bucks.

Colin Jost: You may remember, the last show as part of the All-in challenge, Che agreed to tell a joke on air written by a fan that he has never seen before. So, Michael, if you want to check your email, we sent the joke over. And when you read it, just remember, this raised a lot of money for charity.

Michael Che: Yeah, man. [reading the joke] Some airlines have announced that as part of coronavirus safety procedures, they will now be boarding from the back of the planes so that first class would be the last to board. Apparently, watching all the people in coach silently trudging past you just doesn’t hit the way it used to.

Colin Jost: Wow. Well, hundred grant well spent.

Michael Che: Yeah. That’s a lot of money. But you know, Colin, all this charity reminds me that I actually got a letter from a sick kid in a hospital and he said his one wish was for you to read a joke that he wrote for you. Yes. So, if you go to your email, you can just open it up. It’s literally right in there.

Colin Jost: [bleep] dammit. This is for a sick kid?

Michael Che: Yeah. Very sick boy.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, here it goes. A McDonald’s in China was criticized for posting a sign saying that black people were not allowed to enter. Which is the same sign I’m going to hang on my daughter.

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh my goodness. Whoa! Wow. He went in a slightly different direction than the guy that won the contest. That’s what’s so strange.

Colin Jost: If it’s to help a sick kid.

Michael Che: Yeah, man. He’s getting stronger as we speak.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Jeanine Pirro on Coronavirus Lockdown Protests

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Protests against the lockdowns have continued in states like Michigan  and California. Here to comment from her home is FOX News personality, Jeanine Pirro.

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening Colin. I hope you’ll forgive me. I had to do my own make up while looking into a spoon. [Her makeup and hair is horrible.]

Colin Jost: Yeh. Jeanine, are you okay?

Jeanine Pirro: I’m perfectly fine. Although, I admit that it’s been tough for all of us. For what seems like forever, I’ve been sitting at home drinking and complain to whoever would listen.Then this whole coronavirus thing happened.

Colin Jost: What do you think is going on with this virus?

Jeanine Pirro: There are so many theories. Some say the sun kills it. Some say it can be cured with the miracle drug, hydroxyclhoroquine. Right now, there’s a group of patriots in Michigan who believe you can kill virus by shooting it with an AR-Colin Jost5. It’s smart and I support it.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I have to ask, have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Not much. I’m just haveing a little of this boxed wine. [She’s drinking wing out of the box with straw.]

Colin Jost: Well, I guess clearly you think it’s time to reopen the country?

Jeanine Pirro: Of course, it is.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god, did you change? [She has changed her clothes to a yellow dress already.]

Jeanine Pirro: And this magnificent president is the one to lead the charge. Oh, have you seen him up there during these press conferences? Oh, mama. I just want to hide inside a 12 piece bucket of chicken and let him eat me alive.

[Some glitches appear on Jeanine Pirro’s side.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you having trouble with the Zoom?

Jeanine Pirro: You’re young. Tell me, is your computer supposed to say, “Please stop screaming?”

Colin Jost: I don’t think so. No. So, I’m sorry, you’re hoping we can just open up and take our chances? [Jeanine Pirro’s side blacks out.] We lost you again.

Jeanine Pirro: That’s the plan, Kemosabe! [When she appears back, she has combat bandanna on her forehead and has put on black marks on her face. Looks like she’s in the jungle.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Where are you?

Jeanine Pirro: Never mind, Anglie. This economy is a buttet train and it doesn’t stop for the weak. So, buy a ticket or get the hell out of th way. Toot-toot! [she’s drinking drink out of a coconut shell.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Jeanine, what are you drinking now?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, this? It’s called Pina Cloraxa. It’s pineapple juice, coconut milk and a half cup of bleach. And not the bottof shelf kind that they use on truck stop toilets. The good stuff. [takes a sip] Ooh, that’s cleansing. I can feel it in my chest.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hope you know that drinking bleach could kill you.

Jeanine Pirro: What?

[Jeanine Pirro throws the coconut shell away. Somehow the coconut shell hits Colin Jost’s head and the drink pours on his hair.]

Colin Jost: How did you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: I live in the upside-down, Ansley.

Colin Jost: Dammit! Jeanine Pirro, everyone. Oh my god! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Dammit!