Tag: episode 18

Zoom Church

Pastor… Pastor Thompson

Sister Johnson… Sister Johnson Nwodim

Melissa Thayer… Melissa Thayer Strong

Latrell J. … Latrell J. Redd

[Starts with Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church video bumper.]

[Cut to Pastor in his home.]

Pastor: Alright, praise the lord and welcome back to the Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church Mother’s Day service. I see a large congregation logged into the Zoom machine. Much more than last service. Amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Okay. I just want to send a friendly reminder to everybody to mute yourselves during the service, alright? Because the way that the Zoom machine  works is that every mic is as loud as mine. So, when y’all respond, I can’t really hear myself preach, amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: I can hear y’all agreeing which mean that you’re not taking the note because it’s still very, very loud. Alright? So, how about nobody say amen after I say amen, amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Yes, I can see this might be a longer than usual four hours service. When the bible speaks about motherhood–

[The kids are making noise]

Sister Johnson: Sit your little asses down and be quiet. We in church.

Pastor: I see sister Johnson’s mic is definitely still on. Sister Johnson? Sister Johnson, we can all hear you through the machine.

Sister Johnson: [to the kids] Y’all see that? The pastor can hear y’all. You’re ruining church.

Pastor: No. I hear you, sister Johnson. Everybody else is on mute. Amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Why are y’all still not in mute? And who’s got the TV on?

Melissa Thayer: Oh, that’s just my James. He’s watching dang sports center. Is it too loud?

Pastor: Yes.

Melissa Thayer: Hold on. James, can you turn it down? Is that better? Can you hear it?

Pastor: Nothing has changed. Look, just everybody, mute yourselves. Amen?

All: Amen.

Pastor: Why ain’t you doing it?

Latrell J.: Pastor’s having a hard time hearing y’all. So, we’re going to go straight to Amazing Grace.

Pastor: Latrell, boy I can hear you whisper it. Why aren’t you on mute?

Latrell J.: Coz I still have to direct a choir, pastor.

Pastor: Well, then just text  them. Alright, I’m hearing myself echo which means some of y’all got your machines way up too loud. And it’s bleeding into my end. Amen?

All: Praise god. Amen.

Pastor: Stop answering me. Okay? The lord wants everybody to click on that little microphone with the red line through it and when it says ‘Mute?’, press yes, amen?

All: Amen. Praise the lord.

[They all mute themselves.]

Pastor: Yes.  You did it. Oh, thank you. Now, can I get through this service in peace, amen? Sister Johnson? Nobody? Alright. Well, choir, I guess we should just go to Amazing Grace. Can anybody hear? [Latrell J. is doing managing the choir] I can’t hear a damn thing. Man, this sucks.

Zoom Catch-Up

Dave… Beck Bennett

Connie… Aidy Bryant

Laura… Melissa Villaseñor

Ripleyk… Kenan Thompson

Deidre… Heidi Gardner

Ripley… Martin Short

Dave: Well, guys, it’s been four hours. We got anything else to talk about?

Connie: Yeah. I’m sorry but who makes their friends wait four hours for Zoom?

Mark: Well, I can think of two people. Deidre and Ripley.

[Deidre and Ripley join them. They’re speaking in Italian accent.]

Deirdre: Hi, my little kitkats.

Ripley: Hi, dollies. Hi dolly babies. I miss you.

Deirdre: Oh, how are you? What’s new, my precious kitkats?

Dave: Hi Deidre and Ripley. Um, we’ve actually been waiting for you guys for four hours.

Ripley: Oh, please forgive us. We just got back from Milano.

Deirdre: Yeah. Losianto. We’re still on Italian time.

Laura: Oh, my god! You guys were stuck in Italy?

Deirdre: Stuck? No. Use your brain. We traveled there.

Ripley: For la quarantina.

Connie: Sorry. So, you guys voluntarily traveled to the epicenter of the pandemic quarantine?

Deirdre and Ripley: Si. To quarantina.

Deirdre: Oh, the food, the people, the wine.

Ripley: We saw none of it. The streets were mutto emptissimo.

Deirdre: There’s nothing like la quarantina in la springa.

Mark: You will not call it quarantina. Not while my ears can hear.

Dave: Yeah. It’s not exactly carnivale.

Ripley: No, no, no, dumb dummies. Carnivale is in Brazil.

Deirdre: So, quarantina is the celebration of all things pandemico global.

Connie: Okay. Well, our quarantine hasn’t really been a vacation.

[Now Deirdre and Ripley are speaking in Atlanta American accent.]

Deirdre: Oh, in Atlanta?

Ripley: You’re all in quarantine down in Atlanta?

Deirdre: How y’all holding up in Sweet Georgia quarantine?

Mark: Stop that.

Laura: Anyway. Great news, you guys. My grandma has completely recovered. She’s back home now.

All: Oh, that’s great.

Deirdre: What does that have to do with anything, girl?

Ripley: Why would we care about that? That’s useless.

Deirdre: Ripley, tell them about our Italiano adventure.

[starts speaking in Italian accent again]

Ripley: I definitely will. So, one night, we just wanted to roam the streets, smell the mozarella air. And lo and behold, I see an authentic Italiano.

Deirdre: So, I ran full speed at him. I mean, I had to hug a local.

Ripley: And I grabbed him really aggressively and he was very old, a horrible cough. I gave him the double kiss to show my amor.

Deirdre: And you know, he went like this. [showing palm] And this in quarantina means the same as this in quarantine.

Connie: Are you guys okay? Like, in the mentals? Like, are you talking to anyone?

Ripley: And this really old wrinkled dude gets really upset with me. And he starts spanking us towards the boat. “Pronto, pronto, get to the boat.”

Deirdre: Oh. And we figure it’s quarantino, why not? So, we grabbed a couple of boxes and we get on the cruise.

Ripley: Oh, it was so gorgeous. There’s barely room to move. Wooden crates everywhere you look.

Deirdre: Oh. Stamped with the word ‘ventilators,’ ‘surgical maskos.’

Ripley: And the captain kind of a peach. Breath wasn’t perfect but, you know, it is Italy. And he comes over and he says– Oh, I wish I could speak Italian. How does he say it?

Deirdre: Just say it in English.

Ripley: Alright. He was a Somali smuggler of medical gear.

Dave: Okay. I’m sorry. Just to be clear, you guys were helping ship PPE out of Italy?

Mark: Yeah. Sounds exactly right for you guys. Okay, bye. [logs out.]

Dave: Yeah, bye guys.

[Everybody signs out.]

Deirdre: Ciao.

Ripley: Ciao.

What’s Wrong with This Picture- Mother’s Day Edition

Eliott Pants… Kenan Thompson

Rebecca… Aidy Bryant

Grace… Ego Nwodim

Emily… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s wrong with this picture” intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “What’s wrong with this picture?”

[Cut to Eliott Pants at his home]

Eliott Pants: Hey, everybody. I’m your host Eliott Pants and welcome to a very special episode of “What’s wrong with this picture?” That’s right. It’s the Mother’s Day show.

[Three women appear on the screen from the homes.]

All of our contestants today are moms because being a mom is the most important hobby in the world. As always, the rules are simple. All you got to do is look at the picture and tell me what’s wrong with it. The winner gets a lifetime supply of Junx. “Junx. Shapewear for your lowboys.” Wow. Are we ready to play? Rebecca?

Rebecca: Yeah. I left my kind in the other room. So, we’re gonna make it quick. He’s 12 but he’s bad kind of 12.

Eliott Pants: Grace?

Grace: Ready as I’ll ever be, you fool.

Eliott Pants: I’m sorry. Do we know each other? And our last mother is Emily.

Emily: I’m actually not a mother. I’m a grandmother.

Eliott Pants: Well, now, how does that work? These women are making me a little bit nervous. So, let’s take a look at our first puzzle. [There’s a picture of a woman, two kids and a carton of eggs.] Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture? Something is off in this picture. What could it be?

Grace: I think I know.

Eliott Pants: Oh, go ahead, Grace.

Grace: First of all, she’s too old for bangs. And eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: Really?

Grace: Plus the husband’s too short. They should stack to one big guy.

Eliott Pants: What? No!

Emily: Oh, the shirt comes with boobies. Tell me where they sell those.

Eliott Pants: Come on. Something in the picture is not right.

Rebecca: Yeah. Everyone in the photo is white. That just doesn’t fly these days. One of them needs to be weird.

Eliott Pants: Weird? Okay. Also, it’s not a photo. You know that, right?

Rebecca: Do I?

Eliott Pants: I’ll give you a hint. It has something to do with eggs.

Emily: Oh. Eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: We covered that.

Grace: Oh, she laid em. She was surprised but now she’s proud.

Eliott Pants: Oh my god! There are 14 eggs in the carton. Okay? There’s only supposed to be 12 in a dozen.

Emily: Oh. Like my jury.

Eliott Pants: Well, that’s tracks. Alright, here’s your next picture. [There’s a picture of a woman looking at a mirror.] Rebecca.

Rebecca: The glory hole is too high. Now, she knows it’s the neighbor.

Eliott Pants: Where did we get these moms?

Grace: Oh, she’s never seen herself, you know what I mean? Seeing herself. She’s about to take the mirror off the wall and stand over it. Then she’ll know what’s what.

Eliott Pants: You are upsetting me.

Emily: She tied the news too big and now she’s got to start over.

Eliott Pants: The reflection is wearing a necklace. Can you just think? Alright, let’s see the next. [There’s a picture of a man and a woman sitting on tanning chairs by the side of a swimming pool.] Think, then speak. That order.

Grace: Oh, the man just proposed but he used the Apu voice, you know, from the Simpsons.

Eliott Pants: Okay, you are done. You hear me?

Emily: That beach will be gone in five years because of global warming and it’s my fault. I don’t recycle my cans. I just throw them in the street.

Eliott Pants: That is a swimming pool.

Rebecca: I don’t want to be personal, but he’s got one of the smallest ones I’ve ever seen. I mean that thing’s just a little dot.

Eliott Pants: That’s the belly button.

Rebecca: Don’t get offensive.

Grace: Well, I know that it’s not that the pool is frozen.

Eliott Pants: No. [right answer bell] Wait a second. That’s right. You actually got it right.

Grace: And they’re not social distancing coz they know their rights.

Eliott Pants: And they let you all have kids. I am logging off now and I am Lizoling this computer. This has been “What’s wrong with this picture.” I am Eliott Pants. Good bye.

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.

Lighthouse Keeper

Phineas Gale…. Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Kate sitting with a small decorating ship in front of her. It’s a black and white video.]

Phineas Gale: Hello. My name’s Phineas Gale. I be the keeper of this here lighthouse. You know, I heard astronauts were giving tips on living in isolation. I thought, well, hey, I’ve been living alone on a rock in the middle of the sea for 50 years. I know a thing or two about a thing or two about that.

[A lighthouse keeper’s isolation tips.]

[showing her journal] First things first, it’s important to keep a journal. Here, I do. [reading] April 4th, the seals are flirting with me.

You want to make your groceris last. And one way to do that is to have them all be beans.

Keep abreast of the news, and listen to the CDC. [pretending like he’s speaking on the phone] Okay, but why? You want me to do what? You want me to run around naked onthe shore, flapping me appendage in the breeze for all the seagulls to see? Okay.

In care it weren’t clear before, I’ve gone absolutely mad from the sea.

You got to keep your bearings. Here’s my trusty map. [showing a map she made herself.] Okay, I’ve got mother’s house, Australia, Australia, water.

[talking on the phone] What do you mean no one’s coming to relieve me? It’s been 50 years.

[singing] And my coo-coo from scurv or coo-coo from clap
only the sea can know

[talking on the phone] The ship was supposed to come in four days. So, for how much longer? They don’t know? Well, I’ll make a vaccine.

[There’s a bottle with a letter inside it at the shore.]

Me message in a bottle. [The letter says “I vote for Carter.”] Never made it.

I didn’t always used to be a lighthouse keeper. I was the town arsonist. I was in jail.

[looking at a mirror] I have a beard?

[looking at a fish at the shore with binoculars] Ooh, la, la. That’s what daddy like. Looking good, sweetheart.

[walking to a wooden eagle] Mother, good news. I’m going to be the next bachelor. Well, they saw the video that I’m making right now.

Thank you so much for listening. Just remember the most important thing. Do not give your money to a clam. Please. They don’t need it. Okay, goodnight.

Let Kids Drink

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a public service announcement.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: [singing] Well, Mother’s day is Sunday

Cecily: Father’s day is in June

Chris: Facts!

Beck: It’s been a hard ass time for families

Aidy: We’re like the animals in the zoo

Chris: Trapped.

Cecily: Parents need some help these days

Mikey: Kids could use some too.

Chris: Help.

Kenan: So given the special circumstance
We’re gonna introduce a special rule

All: Let kids drink

Beck: Just like Mom and Dad

Cecily: If they got a little buzz on,
would it really be that bad?

Chloe: Let kids drink

Chris: Tiny drinks

Chloe: Just a couple sips

Chris: full drinks

Ego: They’ll be happier and funnier
and they’ll fall asleep by 6

Aidy: They used to give kids whiskey
To help them fall asleep

Chris: That’s history

Aidy: So a teeny-tiny Whiteclaw
Is just a babysitter on the cheap

Chris: Economics

Beck: They let kids in France drink wine
A bottle or two a day

Chris: We asked child services
And they said it was okay

All: Let kids drink

Chloe: It’s not like they can drive

Kenan: Except that one kid on the news
Who drove when he was five

All: Just one drink

Chris: One drink

Beck: Two if they’ve been good

Ego: Babies look drunk anyway

Aidy: They burp and puke just like I would

Cecily: Kids are quite resilient
And they always bounce right back

Chris: Bouncy castle

Beck: And it’s not like they’ll get blackout
Drinking half of our six-pack

Chris: Wait, what?

Kenan: They’ve watched us drink a hundred drinks
And smoke a little weed

Chris: Daddy’s medicine

Cecily: So turn that Shirley Temple
into an Ina Garten martini

Kids: Let us drink
It’s really only fair
Like our parents always say
It’s 5 o’-clock somewhere

Josh Gad (Olaf): Give kids drinks
Disney says it’s fine
Wait, what is this?
And now here’s a bedtime story
It’s vodka soda lime

God!

Pete: [to his mom] Let me drink
I hate that I have to ask

Pete’s mom: You can have milk.

Pete: All I want is a drink and a shot
and a little pills and crack

Cecily: Let dogs drink
They’re smarter nicer kids
Once a day let’s fill their bowl
with a cold refreshing spritz

Beck: And let guys drink
guys can drink alone
We can drink alone inside the shed
And say we’re on the phone

Aidy: Beck, are you okay?

Beck: [annoyed] Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just- I’m on the phone!

Little girl: Someone get that guy a drink

Beck: Totally, he gets it.
Let kids drink

All: Let kids drink
Children are the future
and right now the future stinks
Let kids drink
give them booze

Kenan: And behalf of all us parents,
I say kids, cheers to you

Kristen Wiig At-Home Monologue

Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Kristen Wiig waking up in her bed.]

Kristen Wiig: What? Me? Host? Now? [smiles] Okay.

[Kristen goes away from camera and comes back in all dressed up in just a second]

Let’s do this.

[music playing]

[Kristen Wiig is dancing in her home.]

You want some biscuits with this tea? [showing her breasts] Let’s start the show.

[Kristen gets on the floor. There are candles everywhere]

I got down on this floor because I wanted to get serious. This is the Mother’s Day show. And at SNL, it’s very special time to celebrate moms. Unfortunately, probably like a lot of you, I can’t be with my mom on this mother’s day. So, I hope it’s okay. I’d like to tell her I love her and send her good luck. She’s in competition over Zoom right now, and mom, I hope you win. She actually sent a picture.

[Cut to a picture of a body building woman with Kristen Wiig’s face.]

[Cut back to Kristen Wiig]

People say we look alike but I don’t see it. You know, I’ve been thinking lately. I don’t know if I truly appreciated my mom the first 45 years of my life. But this year, I’m feeling specially grateful. Her advice, her love, I’m so thankful for all the things she’s taught me preparing me to be a mom myself. Things like breastfeeding. [shows two pieces of chicken breasts] Babies love that chicken. She would always say that.

So, I do want to thank my mom and all the moms out there who have been helping us get through this and who have been there and who are watching over us. We thank you so much. Happy mother’s day. Thank you moms. And thank you, dads.

Now, I would like to finish this off by– It’s actually something kind of sweet. It’s a lullaby that my mom used to sing to me when I was a little baby up until when I was a little girl when I would get scared and– I’d like to sing that for you.

[singing] The moon is out
the stars are out
now close your eyes
now hush, little baby
don’t wait till the morning
don’t make a sound
coz mommy loves you
goodnight.

Aw, my voice. We have a great show for you tonight. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Hair Vlog

PJ Charnt… Kristen Wiig

Nell… Aidy Bryant

Patty… Cecily Strong

Christy… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with PJ Charnt taking a video of herself showing her hair.]

PJ Charnt: Hey, it’s me, PJ Charnt. This is my hair vlog where I answe questions and give hair advice, and just inspire you with the beautiful hair I have. Look at it. [phone ringing] Oh, we have our first video caller, all the way from Tucson. And her name is Nell. ‘Sup, Nell.

Nell: I’m sorry. I’m just so excited to meet you. I watch your vlog all the time on the toilet.

PJ Charnt: Aww.

Nell: I don’t know if you can tell, my hair is very flat and it’s kind of very greasy andI just don’t know that I’m doing wrong.

PJ Charnt: Well, why don’t you tell me your daily regimen?

Nell: I wash my hair every day. I use very little conditioner.

PJ Charnt: Well that’s good.

Nell: And I blow dry my hair with a round brush.

PJ Charnt: Good.

Nell: And then I style it with margarine.

PJ Charnt: Wait, what size round brush are you using?

Nell: I knew it. My round brush needs a bigger circumference.

PJ Charnt: Yes, you got it. Anyway, try it out and check in with me next week, okay?

Nell: I will. I wish I could have hair like your’s.

PJ Charnt: You won’t. Bye, Nell. Oh my gosh. I’m getting a text from my hilarious best friend, Patty. She sends the funniest hair gifts. You guys, let’s all watch it together. Warning, if you’ve just had stomach surgery in the last week and you still have stitches, you may not be able to watch how funny this is.

[Cut to a meme]

Patty: Did you think it was funny?

PJ Charnt: Patty!

Patty: Okay, show me exactly what you did when you got it.

PJ Charnt: I went like this. [giggling and showing off her hair.]

Patty: I got to go. Bye.

PJ Charnt: Oh, okay. [phone ringing] We’ve got another video call coming in, this one is from Tucson. It says here their name is Christy, although I’m told it’s a man.

Christy: Hi, I’m Christy. So, PJ, I’m a house painter. And i have the biggest Zoom interview of my life this afternoon. It’s to paint the exterior of Caesar’s palace. And I want to look my best, bu tI can’t get my normal blow-out.

PJ Charnt: You’re in a pickle.

Christy: I’m in a jar of pickles. Help me, PJ Charnt.

PJ Charnt: Christy, do you have a car with a sunroof, a can of quick hold hair spray, a large-toothed comb and long legs?

Christy: PJ, you’re genius. I know exactly what to do. I’ll see you later. [showing his blow dtyer and car keys.]

PJ Charnt: Bye. [message notification] Oh! Patty sent me another text. Guys, it’s going to be another hair-larious hair gif. Again, if you’ve had surgery in the last week and you have stitches, I don’t think you should watch this.

[Cut to a meme.]

Patty: What do you think? He’s blow drying her hair, but her hair is spaghetti. [giggling]

[PJ Charnt isn’t laughing. She looks angry.]

PJ Charnt: I know what it is and I don’t think it’s funny. Pasta as hair isn’t funny. Only hair should always only be hair.

Patty: I’m sorry.

Just think that, Patty, I don’t want to talk to you for like, a really long time.

Patty: But–

PJ Charnt: Anyway, that’s our show. Tune in next week where guess what we’re gonna talk about? And if you want to have hair like mine, you never will. But I’m sure you have other stuff going on.

Eleanor’s House

Eleanor… Aidy Bryant

Richard Carson… Kyle Mooney

Coleen… Heidi Gardner

Burger… Pete Davidson

[Start’s with Eleanor’s House intro]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

[Cut to Eleanor in her home. Her house is very colorful.]

Eleanor: Hi, I’m Eleanor. Welcome back to my house. This is my best friend, Goldie. [pointing at an animated goldfish by her side.]

Goldie: That’s me.

Eleanor: I’m sad today

Goldie: Why?

Eleanor: Because it’s my birthday but I can’t have a party because of this pandemic.

Goldie: You can still have a party. You just have to use your imagination.

Eleanor: Hey, that’s a great idea. An imagination party.

Goldie: Yeah.

Eleanor: Can you help me? Let’s close our eyes and imagine. [doorbell ringing] Oh, that must be our first party guest.]

[There’s a animated purple dot at the door]

Dog: Hello and happy birthday Eleanor.

Eleanor: Oh, thank you, purple dog.

Dog: This is such a fun party. Would you mind if I invited a friend?

Eleanor: Of course, the more the merrier.

[doorbell ringing. There’s animated ice cream at the door]

Ice cream: Great party. It’s cool if I invite a friend, right?

Eleanor: Of course. Who is it?

Ice cream: Oh, it’s my buddy from out of town. Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Um, sure.

[Richard Carson walks in]

Richard: Hey there, happy birthday sweetheart. I’m Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Oh, hello. I’m Eleanor.

Richard: My wife Coleen’s in the car changing. But don’t worry. She’ll be here in a second.

[Coleen walks in the door.]

Coleen: Richie, I can’t find my other shoe.

Dog: Eleanor, shall we have some cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Yes, you know, we can imagine any kind of cake we want.

Goldie: Like a big cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Even the biggest cake in the world.

[Suddenly, there are a lot of people in Eleanor’s party. Richard and Coleen are making out in the middle of the room.]

Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, who are all these people?

Richard: These are our Michigan friends.

Coleen: We met them ATVing.

Eleanor: We need to stop inviting people.

Richard: Hey, it’s a party. Relax. You know, my friend really wants to meet you. He thinks you’re pretty.

Eleanor:  [blushing] Oh, okay.

[Burger walks to Eleanor]

Burger: Hey, I’m Burger. Thanks for having us over.

Eleanor: Oh, sure. Hey. I mean, it’s not big deal. I like to hang out.

Burger: Yeah. I could tell. What do you think about some same room sex later?

Eleanor: What?

Burger: Richard and Coleen going at it and you and I going to town, but like, all in the same room so people could sneak peek.

Eleanor: No, thank you. [walks to Ice Cream] Hey, what’s going on with your friend Richard Carson?

Ice Cream: What? He’s cool. He’s from Vegas.

Eleanor: Well, he needs to get the [bleep] out of my house.

[Two policemen walk in]

Police: Alright, party’s over.

Richard: Hey, I know my rights. I got a note from my doctor saying that I can’t drive sober.

Coleen: Seriously, if he doesn’t party, he dies.

[Richard tries to punch the policemen. He gets tasered.]

Stop it! You’re going to kill him.

Police: [to Eleanor] Ma’am. You need to get your life together.

Eleanor: Yes, yes. Thank you. I will. This always happens. I’m sorry. [everyone leaves] Well, see you next time on Eleanor’s house. [waving]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

Dreams

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Cecily in her bed speaking on the phone]

Cecily: No, mom, I know. I’m glad everyone’s home safe. I just miss things the way they used to be, you know. It’s like the city’s right outside my window but– I know. I know. Okay. I love you too. Bye.

[Cecily hangs up the phone and sleeps]

[Cut to people dreaming of themselves in a busy streets of the city. They’re all enjoying normal life. They’re eating, looking at the crowd, feeding the dogs in the park, etc.]

[Cecily wakes up. There’s a slice of pizza beside her on her bed. Her dog is looking at the pizza.]

Oh, no, you don’t want this. This is a dream pizza. [Dog drools on pizza] Okay.