Tag: episode 18

Digital Exclusive- Message to the Girls

Aiden… Aidy Bryant

Kurt… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video bumper]

Female voice: A message to the girls from the goys.

[Cut to two guys]

Aiden: What the hell is up, girls? It’s your boys, Aiden..

Kurt: And Kurt. Tonight is the best night of your life, Prom. Or at least it was.

Aiden: We should be in a hotel ball room right now making you feel like a queen.

Kurt: But unfortunately for cupid, prom got canceled coz of the Qdoba virus.

Aiden: Since we can’t be there to shower you in admirances, we thought we’d take you to prom in your fantasy.

Kurt: And tell you what would have gone down if we were there to put it down.

Aiden: 6 PM.

Kurt: Pictures. First up, I will show up 30 minutes early with my entire family.

Aiden: I will present you with a refrigerated corsage made entirely of 100% baby’s breath. That’s the breath of a baby, girl.

Kurt: I will rent a tux from a Halloween website.

Aiden: We can take 3,000 pictures next to your neighbor’s fancy shrub and my hands, they’re gonna sweat so much that the back of your dress is gonna change color, girl.

Kurt: 6:45.

Aiden: Limo time.

Kurt: I will pay for my whole portion of limo and half of your’s.

Aiden: I of course will sit front where there’s a seatbelt and I will chat with the driver. It seems like it would be hard to drive around the corners with the limo.

Kurt: 7:23.

Aiden: We enter the dance.

Kurt: You walk off to be with and talk to girls. I will be with my guys. Twice through the night, I will approach you and then leave.

Aiden: Mr. Chadman said we’d make a great pair. I don’t know if you’ve heard that but it’s actually something to think about.

Kurt: Our prom is at the Aviation Museum. I was actually on the committee to help select a theme. WWII.

Aiden: And ooh, girl. If we were at prom, we’d dance like this. [dancing]

Kurt: And like this.

Aiden: Probably some of this.

Kurt: And of course, this. [dabs]

Aiden: 10:15.

Kurt: Make out time. When it’s time to kiss, I’ll become distant and sweaty like a first time bank robber.

Aiden: I will have so many altoids throughout the night, you will feel my breath in your eyes.

Kurt: I will close my eyes and fully miss your mouth.

Aiden: I’ll start things off easy by sucking your tongue just the way you like it, girl.

Kurt: At the end of the night, I will pay my friend Chris to give me a hickey.

Aiden: I can’t wait to take you home, to your house. And then I of course will go to my house and explode.

Both: I love you, Brigitte.

Video message: To the graduating class of 2020, from all of us at SNL: Girl, you’re a queen.

Dad Prank Video

Ted… Mikey Day

Boss… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a kid making a YouTube video.]

Brandon: What’s up, YouTube. It’s your boy, Brandon. So, I have a corny ass dad.

[He shoots his dad with an airgun.]

Ted: Ouch! Brandon?

Brandon: So, I’ve been pranking him during quarantine, and here are my favorite ones.

[Brandon is putting draw pins on the toilet seat.]

Oh, this is gonna hurt so bad. Put thumb tacks oh his toilet seat.

[Cut to Ted getting in the toilet. He takes the seat. He jumps off and drops his phone.]

Ted: Ah! My phone. Of course, it cracked. Of course, it cracked. [He kneels down to get the pins out of his butt.] Okay. [grunting] More. More. Why so many? Why so many? I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding. And there’s like, four in the toilet. Wonderful.

Brandon: Changed dad’s every contact’s name in his phone to Gigi Hadid.

Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. [phone ringing] Dad, it’s Gigi Hadid.

Ted:  [yelling] You’re laughing and it’s my work. I don’t know who to call because I don’t know their numbers. They all say Gigi Hadid.

Brandon: Why do you hate Gigi Hadid?

Ted: Brandon, I don’t hate Gigi Hadid. I wish her the best.

Brandon: Why do you hate women?

Ted: I don’t hate women.

[Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Bruh. these jump scares tho.

[He puts a scary doll in the cupboard. When his dad opens the cupboard, he gets scared and bumps his head.]

[Cut to Ted coming to wake Brandon up.]

Ted: Brandon, wake up. Remote school time. Just because– [When dad takes the blanket off, his son is wearing a scary mask, so he gets scared and jumps away. He falls hard.]

[Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Changed his Zoom background before a meeting with his boss.

[Cut to Ted and his boss on Zoom. Ted’s background is a girl in her bikini at the beach.]

Boss: Um, Ted. You mind telling me why your zoom background is a picture of my teenage daughter in a bathing suit?

Ted: I have no idea, Pat.

Boss: Shut up.

Ted: Brandon! I don’t want that there. [pointing at the background]

Boss: Get your finger off of her. Don’t you touch her. You don’t touch her.

Brandon: Thanks for watching. Peace.

Wild Wild Country

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Sheila … Nasim Pedrad

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Netflix video bumper. It’s a documentary about hippy cult.]

[Cut to people walking in groups everyone wearing red.]

Aidy: It was the most fulfilling time of my life.

Beck: We created an entire community based on compassion and sharing.

Kate: Rajneesh’s agenda was simply to raise consciousness. That was his goal.

Female voice: It was beautiful.

Male: It was about love.

Kenan: Me? I do it for the ass.

Sheila: The people of Oregon was so blinded by their bigotry that they couldn’t even witness the miracle that was happening right in front of them.

Kenan: I mean, there was ass everywhere. Damn!

Melissa: I don’t know where they came from, but I wish they’d go back.

Alex: We weren’t just gonna sit back and let some cult move in and take over our town. I mean, this was our home.

Kenan: They would do these meditations. Everybody get butt naked and just wiggling their flappy parts. I put on my old adidas track suit and blended in with them hippies. And before I knew it, I was knee deep in happy ass. Ain’t no hip!

Beck: When I saw Rajneesh in person, I was so overcome with joy and emotion. I cried like a baby.

Kenan: I see this long caravan of cadillacs roll up and I’m thinking, “Hmm, that must be the OJ or somebody.” Then this brother steps out dressed in all red and everybody following him were dressed in all red too. And I said to myself, “Oh, lord. Here come the bloods.”

Alex: He was a conman. He had those people brainwashed.

Melissa: I don’t like that guy.

Aidy: He was incredible. He spoke with this, unbelievable power. So much grace.

Kenan: Man, I ain’t understand a damn word he was saying. I just know 10,000 horny white women showed up the town wearing no bras overnight. So, I told my old lady, “Look, baby, I think we’re growing apart.”

Aidy: The town was a bunch of trash hicks.

Pete: They all have this weird dead look in their eyes. I don’t know if it’s drugs or satanic.

Beck: There were no drugs in the community.

Kenan: I’d do a little bump before I left the house. And then another one just outside the house. And then one more before going back in the house. But that was it. Whoow!

Sheila: Free love was certainly part of it.  It was essential to our spiritual journey.

Sheila when she was young: Okay, who want’s to [bleep] Sheila?

[Kenan raises his hand]

Kenan: Man, Sheila was a freak. She made me harder than trigonometry.

Alex: We’d hear them at night loudly having sex like animals.

Kenan: Oh, it was wonderful. You could smell the sex funk from miles. It was thick. Smell like a karate class for monkeys.

Aidy: And it all changed.

Kate: A bomb went off.

Aidy: They bombed out hotel and it was a deliberate attack.

Sheila: If I didn’t take measures to protect our community, no one else would do it.

[Now, all the women have guns]

Sheila when she was young: They want to play rough? Okay. Would you kill for Bagwan?

Kenan when he was young: Who’s bagwan?

Kenan: All of a sudden, everybody was walking around with pistols. I said, “I knew y’all was the bloods. Don’t you get me caught up in this mess.” You see, I’m from Compton. I left because of the crime situation. I committed bunch of crimes and it became a situation.

Beck: It’s a shame that western would couldn’t accept us.

Kate: We were free.

Sheila: We were a religion.

Kenan: We was the bloods.

Male voice: Sheila, whatever your plans are, we don’t want the Rajneeshs. We don’t want the orange people in our town.

Sheila when she was young: What can I say? Tough [bleep]

Kenan: You one crazy ass Puerto Rican lady.

Weekend Update- LaVar Ball on Lonzo’s Year

Michael Che

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NBA Playoff started today and one team that won’t be playing is the Los Angeles Lakers and their rookie Lonzo Ball. Here to comment is Lonzo’s outspoken father, LaVar Ball.

[LaVar Ball slides in]

[cheers and applause]

LaVar Ball: Alright. Okay. How you doing, Michael? Me? I’m incredible. What a year for Lonzo.

Michael Che: I mean, he did fine.

LaVar Ball: Fine? Stop talking out your neck. My boy averaged 50 points a game.

Michael Che: No, he didn’t.

LaVar Ball: 100 assists. 500 touchdowns. And he was just certified 100% fresh by Rotten Tomatoes. Never lost.

Michael Che: Well, Lonzo actually averaged 10 points a game making him not even a best rookie on his own team. Kyle Kuzma averaged way more point than that.

LaVar Ball: [squeaky voice] Man, don’t– don’t do me about no Kyle Kuzma. He just keeping that seed warm on that Laker bench until my other sons get there. LiAngelo, Lamelo and my long lost Mexican son, LaBibliya-teka.

Michael Che: Now, none of your sons are projected to be NBA draft picks.

LaVar Ball: Lies!

Michael Che: I also read that you started your own league for young players called The Junior Basketball Association?

LaVar Ball: You damn right! My own league. Only real ballers need apply. You think you got what it takes? Then bring your A game to tryout this week at the first Korean Baptist church at Temecula. Cuz the JBA will feature the future all stars of America.

Michael Che: Do you have any top high school players signed up?

LaVar Ball: Not a one. But we got some hot prospects. We got a kid who can drain buckets like you wouldn’t believe. He’s athletic. He’s quick. And he’s 51 years old and he’s my cousin. We also got a mailman wearing compression socks, a Dominican dishwasher in blue jeans, and just to keep things interesting, an unclaimed rottweiler running around all willy-nilly.

Michael Che: You’re hoping this league will be like the NBA?

LaVar Ball: Oh, man. It’s gonna be better than the NBA. Players in my JBA will live the big baller lifestyle. You’ll be taken around the country courtesy of pizza pan bus line, where you will stay at a hotel so super they named it A. Free cable. No NBO. Every room exits to the street. And a contenti-nental breakfast with up to three cereals fresh from the screw tap. Regular mini-wheats only. Never frosted. Never with the frost.

Michael Che: Starting a league is tough. What makes you think you’ll be successful?

LaVar Ball: Because I’m the best businessman in the world. I’m currently worth $1 brillion. Let me show you my latest venture, Michael. You got a pair of big baller Zo-To? Well, you don’t have the hottest shoe of the summer. Presenting the Zo-T-Bop. [LaVar Ball pulls out a pair of sandals] That’s right. [Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: Oh, yeah.

LaVar Ball: Only $500 a pair. Light weight. Breathable. And with a back strap that will leave your heel raw as hell. Never enough bandaids. Never enough band to the aids.

Michael Che: Man, those are just sandals.

LaVar Ball: Man, you say tomato, I say this tomato costs $500. And these are more than shoes, Michael. Look at em’. The sole gets as hot as the Devil’s booty hole. You could fry egg on em’. As a matter of fact! [LaVar Ball pulls out another sandal to the pair. There’s a poached egg on it.] This one is ready, Michael! You want an egg?

Michael Che: Sure!

LaVar Ball: That will be $6,000.

Michael Che: No! LaVar Ball, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Laura Ingraham

Colin Jost

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Red Lobster, Blue Apron and Slim Fast join the adviser boycott against FOX News host Laura Ingram after she mocked Parkland survivor David Hogg for getting rejected from four colleges. She’s back on her show after her fourth hiatus. Here to comment is Laura Ingram.

[Laura Ingram slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Laura Ingram: Hey! Hey. Hi, Colin. Thank you. Thank you so much. Hi. Thanks for having me.

Colin Jost: You’re welcome. You’re welcome. And, congratulations on returning to your show.

Laura Ingram: Thank you. It’s so good to be back after that planned vacation. It was so fun and so planned and it’s so scheduled a long time ago. The important thing is I’m back. And I’m not gonna cave to bullying from the tolerant left. I don’t care if I lost a couple of sponsors.

Colin Jost: Well, so far you’ve lost 27.

Laura Ingram: Yeah. And all because I trolled a traumatized teen. After spewing venom for decades, Twitter suddenly has made me accountable [coughs]. Okay. You know what? That can’t keep me down. Coz I’m really excited about some of my new sponsors. Like, Carl’s Sr., leftover Carl’s Jr. food ground to mush for old people. Umm, Carl’s Sr. And Your Pillow. From the makers of My Pillow, send us your pillow, we need more pillow. Or how about Shkreli’s Jelly? It’s just Jelly that’s $8,000 a jar.

Colin Jost: Are those real products, Laura?

Laura Ingram: Yup. You see, the totalitarian left can attack me all they want. But I’ll continue to defend the first amendment. That’s my right to bully people without being bullied in return. Right, Colin?

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not how it works, Laura.

Laura Ingram: Yeah, fine. Just look, don’t boycott my show. Our country is so divided right now and I’m an important part of that. Let’s move on. You know I’m gonna say something worse. Why don’t you just watch a show and find out what that’s gonna be? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to mention more of my sponsors. Like, Lady Bump Stock. The light weight Bump Stocks for delicate hands. And reverse Mortgage. We’ll take that house now. And how about Malaysian Airlines, caught in a scandal and need an escape? Malaysian Airlines.

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Laura, I really– [Laura raises her both hands to her shoulder levels mimicking an airplane] Don’t do the act of Malaysian Airlines.

Laura Ingram: What?

Colin Jost: What? I don’t think those are real sponsors.

Laura Ingram: What do you want me to say? Look, I’m getting ponned by teenagers. Am I using that right? Ponned?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I don’t really know. I definitely don’t know.

Laura Ingram: I don’t understand anything anymore. I mean Emma Gonzalez looks like some bad ass super hero trying to change the world. But when I in high school, it was bad to try. I said I wanted to try art and I got kicked in the face. But I didn’t say I was getting bullied. I just grew up into this. [pointing at herself] But you now who’s not afraid to sponsor this? Cream Soda. The soda for whites. You got the white one, baby.

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Alright. Laura, I think that’s enough. Alright.

Laura Ingram: Can I say one more thing about the Parkland kids?

Colin Jost: No! That’s what got you in trouble!

Laura Ingram: Okay, fine. Whatever.

Colin Jost: Laura Ingram, everyone.

Michael Che: I always knew white people loved cream soda.

Weekend Update on Oklahoma Teacher’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A teacher in Oklahoma who was participating in the state wide teacher walkout was arrested for having sex with a student. Worse, she had to pay for her own supplies. [picture changes to condoms.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bill Cosby at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: For shame.

Michael Che: You’re wrong about that.

Colin Jost: A topless woman was arrested outside of Bill Cosby’s sexual assault trial after she jumped a barrier and charged at the comedian. Responded Cosby, “Ah, I think I’m gonna like court.”

[Picture changes to Mark Zuckerberg at left top corner.]

This week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified before congress for a total of 10 hours and exactly zero blinks. I don’t understand why he needed a congressional hearing to find out that Facebook is selling our data. I mean, they have to make money somehow. We use Facebook every single day for free. Would you rather get a monthly bill and have to go through it like, “There’s no way that I clicked on a 147 ‘Dog Befriends Turtle’ pictures.” People have to realize that everything you do on the internet has consequences. It’s like sending a picture of your penis and thinking, “She won’t forward this to all her friends, right? I mean, I’m Brett Favre.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a woman doing yoga at right top corner. There’s a baby goat beside her.]

Michael Che: A new yoga class is being offered in New York in which people exercise with goats. The way it works is, it doesn’t.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are picture os Argentinian flag and marijuana leaf at right top corner. Colin Jost is looking down going through the papers. Suddenly, he looks at the camera laughing.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] I did not know it was coming back to me.

Michael Che: Slides, dude!

Colin Jost: I did not know it was coming back to me. Eight police officers in Argentina were fired after more than a ton of marijuana disappeared from a warehouse and they claimed it was eaten by mice. For reference, this is what a mouse who ate one ton of marijuana would look like. [Picture changes to Miley Cyrus wearing mouse dress.]

[Picture changes to an alarm clock.]

According to a new study, people who stay up late at night are more likely to have psychological disorders and an increased risk of dying. So, if you’re watching this live right now, I’ll see your crazy ass in hell.

Weekend Update on Michael Cohen Raid

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, Donald Trump has had a really, really tough week but you know what? I think I’m still gonna make fun of him.

[Picture changes to Michael Cohen]

The FBI raided the home, office and hotel room of President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen this week. Authorities first became suspicious of Cohen when they found out he was the lawyer for Donald Trump. This does not look good for Trump. If being black has taught me anything, it’s that when the feds come kicking at your door, they got something. FBI raids are like when a girl goes through your phone. She is only doing it to confirm whatever she already knows.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Michael Cohen and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And Michael Cohen raid is being called historic. It’s amazing how we keep hearing historic in reference to things that happening during Trump’s administration and non of them are positive. Historic has become a polite way of saying, “Unbelievably terrible.” Like, “Wow, the Cleveland Browns are having another historic season. Or if you walk out of the bathroom and you say, “You better give it a minute. I just did something historic.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and map of Syria at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump ordered an airstrike on Syria Friday night, so I guess we’re at war now too. Yay! These Trump stories are so random and insane, I feel like contestant on chopped. What the hell am I supposed to do with all these ingredients? I mean, I knew he was going to try to create a distraction but I thought it would be something small. Like, tweeting the N word at Tristan Thompson. I didn’t know he was going to put us in a full war. Plus, isn’t he going to jail soon? He shouldn’t be signing us up for stuff. He should be kissing us on the forehead and telling us to take care of mommy. [Picture changes to Mike Pence]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of James Comey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In his memoir “A higher loyalty”, James Comey calls president Trump ego drive and said that he is untethered to truth. The book was co-authored by Captain Obvious.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet]

President Trump responded to the claims in Comey’s new memoir calling him a leaker and a liar. Which coincidentally is also the name of the video the Russians have.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and James Comey’s memoir at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to James Comey’s new memoir, president Trump denied allegations in the Russian dossier saying, “I’m a germaphobe. There’s no way I will let people pee on each other around me.” First of all, you can’t call yourself a germaphobe when you’re out there raw dogging pornstars. Also, paying hookers to pee on each other while you hang back and watch is exactly something a germaphobe would do. Sidebar, am I the only one that thinks the president being into pee-pee is, I don’t know, kind of charming? Yeah? I mean, it’s humanizing. Like, remember when we saw that video of Obama playing basketball and we were like, “Oh, wow. He’s just like us.” It’s the same thing but like, times two.

Sitcom Reboot

Mara Schultz… Cecily Strong

Jay Paultodd… John Mulaney

[Starts with Hollywood Update intro]

Male voice: Welcome to Hollywood Update. You’re in a hotel and you’ve just turned on the TV and this is happening.

[Cut to Mara in her set]

Mara: It’s official, Hollywood has reboot fever. “Roseanne”, “Will & Grace”, “Full House”, “Murphy Brown”, you think, they’ve done them all. But there’s one more sitcom returning to the small screen. 1987’s “Switcheroo”. I’m here with that show’s creator, Jay Paultodd.

[Jay is sitting beside Mara]

Jay: Such a pleasure.

Mara: Jay, for those too young to remember, describe the original “Switcheroo”.

Jay: Well, Switcheroo was a family show about a father and son who switched bodies. You know? But really, it was about so much more.

Mara: Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Switcheroo intro song]

Intro song: You thought being a kid was pretty tough
You thought being a dad was too
then a witch came along, did a magic spell
and now we got a switcheroo

no one knows our secret
guess we’ll have to keep it
what they gonna do?
it’s a switcheroo

Dad goes to school
son goes to work
and the son has sex with the mom

What you gonna do?
it’s a switcheroo!

[Cut back to Mara and Jay]

Mara: The show was not popular. Why do you think that is?

Jay: I think viewers expected us to focus on a different aspect of the Switcheroo. You know, perhaps seeing the son trying to work at his dad’s office as an astronaut and the dad trying to make the son’s football team. Instead, we focused exclusively on the sexual ramification of the Switcheroo. Let’s watch a clip.

Mara: Oh, we don’t we have to.

Jay: No. Roll it.

[Cut to a clip from Switcheroo. A grown man wearing kiddish clothes comes in home on a skatevoard]

Beck: What’s up?

Mom: Honey, where have you been all day?

Beck: I went on a shopping spree with dad’s– I mean, my credit card.

Mom: Well, you remember, it’s Wednesday.

Beck: Oh, yeah. Macaroni night.

Mom: No. It’s our night to try.

[Mom hold’s Beck’s hand and tries to take him to the bedroom]

Beck: Oh, my god.

[Video stops]

Song: What you gonna do, it’s a switcheroo!

[Cut to Mara and Jay]

Mara: Now, the original Switcheroo didn’t talk much about politics, but 2018 reboot dives right in.

Jay: We felt we had to. I guess the opening shot is a close up of a newspaper that says, “Trump is president.” And then we widen out and we’re like, forget all that. And then the mom switcheroos with the dog and I don’t need to tell you what happens next.

Mara: Was it hard to get the original cast to get back together?

Jay: Well, we couldn’t get everyone. You know, little Andy Cunan who played the son, he’s left the business. And the rest of the cast, well, I see almost every week in group. Dr. Gross says it’s important for me to be there so they can confront me.

Mara: Why put everyone through this again?

Jay: I think you’re asking me why I like to make America laugh. Well, Like most artists, I’m a product of my influences. “I love Lucy”, “Dick Van Dyke”, “My Mom Who Would Wash My Penis With Scalding Hot Water.” And of course, “Mad Magazine.”

Mara: The show is set in St. Louis but due to legal reasons, you shot it in Port-au-Prince.

Jay: Yeah. For a few weeks, and then even the Hasians were like, “No dice.” It was so weird. A general walked into my office in full military epaulettes and he said in thick patois, I won’t do the voice. Well I’ll do the voice a little. He said, “No money can make me forget god’s laws.” And that’s why we’re here now in studio 1-A on hundred Switcheroo avenue, Jones Town, Guyana.

Mara: Any other surprises or the reboot?

Jay: Well, for the first time ever, we’re pleased to announce a crossover episode.

Mara: With who?

Jay: Date Line.

Mara: Okay. Thanks for being with us, Mr. Paultodd. And I wanna tell our viewers that while he left after the clips, during them, he stared at me with no expression.

Jay: I make a lot of people very happy.

Mara: Goodnight.

[The End]

National School Walkout

Mr. H… Kenan Thompson

Gerald… John Mulaney

Meghan… Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Lance… Alex Moffat

Principal Anderson… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mr. H talking to a class.]

Mr. H: Alright, class. I know you’re all participating in today’s walkout. I just wanna say, I support you.

Gerald: Thanks, Mr. H. We’re gonna join millions of students who are standing up for what’s right.

Meghan: Gerald, it’s been so cool organizing our school’s protest with you.

Gerald: Yeah. I had a great time with you too, Meghan.

Meghan: Yeah. I think we make a great team.

[Meghan rub’s Gerald’s shoulder.]

Gerald: Oh, no. Don’t make the eye contact and rub the shoulder at once. Okay. [looks down at his pants. He gets a boner.] It’s happening.

Kyle: It’s 12 o’clock. Everybody stand up.

[Everyone stands up.]

Gerald: No, wait. Maybe we shouldn’t stand up right now.

Heidi: You don’t wanna stand up against gun violence?

Gerald: Not at this specific moment. When I’m wearing my shorts.

Meghan: Gerald, what’s wrong? We had a plan [everyone takes seat] Let’s do just like you said. Let’s stand tall and walk out leading with our pelvis.

Gerald: I hate that I was so specific. Okay, new idea. Instead of doing a walkout, how about we do a lie down?

Luke: A lie down? How does that work?

Gerald: Well, to protest, we all face down on the floor and then we writhe around a little until it’s gone.

Mr. H: Kids, I don’t know what ‘s going on with Gerald, but I thought the room would be empty by now. And I timed my e-cig break for the walkout. So, walk out.

[Gerald looks at his pants again]

Gerald: Wait, I think my problem’s going away.

Luke: That’s great man!

[Luke taps on Gerald’s shoulder]

Gerald: And it’s back. And I learned something about myself.

Aidy: I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on with Gerald.

Gerald: Oh, on. What have you got? Like, a side view or something?

Aidy: Gerald thinks that the media has been giving all the coverage to white schools.

Gerald: Oh, yes. I like this. Yes.

Aidy: Ignoring the people of color who face violence at higher incidents.

Gerald: Yes, they do face that. Keep talking. This is good. This is good.

Aidy: Great! Then, Gerald, you lead this dialog on race. Stand up without holding books or jackets in front of you and you march straight down to Thurgood Marshall Public High and you say, “Fellas, I know this thing is hard and upsetting and it’s pretty darn crooked, but if we roll up our sleeves, we can beat it together.”

Gerald: [shaking his head] I’m gonna pass.

Kate: Listen, friends. I know I’m just a foreign exchange student but Sweden, we have no guns, no shootings and no sunlight. We sit year around in total darkness eating fish that is rotten on purpose. So, America should just become like Sweden. And ice covered nation of 1,200 people and one giant.

Meghan: Anyway, come on, guys. If we don’t band together, what’s next? Training teachers to use firearms?

Mr. H: Okay. I’ll get right on that. In addition to teaching history, gym and then driving you all home on the bus, I’m spread so thin, I’ve had to teach myself to micro nap. [Mr. H takes a micro nap, snoring, wakes up in few seconds.] Seat belts!

[Heidi stands]

Heidi: [acting very furious] Isn’t anyone worried that this walkout could go us in trouble? This could go on my permanent record.  I won’t get into an Ivy League school. My mother will disown me because I’m not my perfect sister who died. [smiling and talking calmly] And that’s the monologue I’m using to audition for the theater program at Connecticut College in New London.

[Everybody clapping]

Gerald: Look, guys, I support the walkout. Just not today.

Pete: Yeah, I gotta agree. Nobody told me this was happening in 4-20. And frankly, I’m double booked.

Lance: I know why Gerald’s sitting. Coz he’s not a snowflake.

Gerald: Oh, no, Lance.

Lance: Yes, Lance. Equal time. I’ll never forget the first time my old man took me hunting. I was such a baby. I wanted to stay home wrapping towel around my waist to play lady restaurant. Instead, he dragged me weeping into the woods and made me stand there in the rain holding an AR-15 until I turned a gopher into red dust. Two years later, when I finally spoke again, I said, “Guns.”

[Mr. H looks shocked]

Mr. H: Lance, would you like to see the counselor?

Lance: Oh, yeah.

[Lance walks out]

Meghan: Gerald, come on. Do you really wanna leave policy up to a bunch of old white guys?

Gerald: No. I don’t even like old people. I don’t think they should be allowed to vote. I mean, I don’t mean to cause trouble but you don’t get to order for the table if you’re about to leave the restaurant.

Kyle: That’s ageist! That really offends me. I work at a home for the elderly. And I go every Tuesday. And I hold their frail hands. And some of them, their skin is paper thin. Their cartilage like firm jelly. And underneath, you can feel their bones.

Gerald: [looking down at his pants] Oh, keep going. The problem’s going away. Okay. We can walk in three, two– Oh! Hi, principal Anderson.

Principal Anderson: Every other classroom is outside. What’s going on in here?

Gerald: Sorry, I had to delay us a little bit.

[Principal Anderson walks to Gerald]

Principal Anderson: Oh, so you’re the trouble maker, huh? You’re the little bad boy. Huh?

Gerald: Oh! It sits back with a vengence.

Principal Anderson: You’re the naughty, naughty, naughty, nasty– Hold on. I got to step on this bug with my stiletto heels.

Gerald: And it took care of itself the other way. Alright, let’s walk out, everybody.

[The End]

Meet the Parents Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Assistant… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro.

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence in the office of Department of Justice, Washington, DC.]

Jeff Sessions: I don’t know, Mr. Vice President. I feel like I say this every week but this week was bad. I’m beginning to regret my wish to become a real boy. I toss and turn in my shoebox all night wondering what’s FBI gonna do next?

Mike Pence: I know. I know. We’re in a real pickle here, Jeff. And you know how uncomfortable I am around pickles.

Jeff Sessions: Yes. I can’t believe they raided Michael Cohen’s office. What are we gonna do, Mike?

Mike Pence: The important thing ti s to stay calm. In couple of months, the president will be back to normal.

Jeff Sessions: How’s that?

Mike Pence: Coz it will be me.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s good. That’s good.

[Assistant walks in the door]

Assistant: Excuse me, Mr. Sessions.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Are they here for us? [raising his both hands up] I’ll go peacefully.

Assistant: No. It’s not the police. The president’s lawyer, Michael Cohen is here to see you.

Jeff Sessions: Oh! Finally. By all means, send him in.

[Michael Cohen walks in]

Michael Cohen: Hey. Hey. How you doing? That’s right, it’s Michael Cohen, attorney at law. You know. sometimes also not in law.

Jeff Sessions: Mr. Cohen, this situation is out of hand.

Michael Cohen: I know. Can you believe what they’re doing to poor Mr. Trump? It’s a disgrace. This whole raid was a complete violation of attorney criminal privilege.

Mike Pence: Well, if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to worry about.

Michael Cohen: Is that a joke? Look, we got a real problem here, Jeff. You know how much evidence I have in my office? I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer. I got a whole hard drive that’s just labelled “Yanks.”

Mike Pence: I have to say, some of these allegations against you are quite disturbing, Mr. Cohen. Like, how you paid $1.6 million for a top republican mistress to have an abortion.

Michael Cohen: Yeah. 1.6 million for your abortion. Thank you Obamacare! This is all your fault, Jeff. You shouldn’t have recused yourself. You should have protected Mr. Trump. He’s a fragile flower. And he also happens to be the smartest, kindest, sexiest, least colluding man on this planet which I call earth.

Jeff Sessions: [whispering to Mike Pence] Okay, he’s just a fool dumb, dumb now. [to Michael Cohen] Michael, the reason we brought you here today is that there’s someone who would like to speak with you.

Michael Cohen: Oh, great! Who?

Mike Pence: Don’t worry about it. He’s down the hall waiting for you.

Jeff Sessions: And remember, whatever happens, you have our full support, okay? So, right this way. [walking Michael Cohen out] Thank you so much. Thank you for coming in. [Michael Cohen walks out] I cannot wait to see that little dummy burn.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence do the high-five.]

[Cut to Michael Cohen walking into the interrogation room. There’s a polygraph machine on the table.]

Michael Cohen: What is this place?

[Robert Mueller walks in from another door.]

Robert Mueller: Looking for something, Mr. Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Robert Mueller?

Robert Mueller: Why don’t you have a seat, Mr. Cohen? [Robert Mueller gives the wires of polygraph machine to Michael Cohen] Here, put these on. You’ve ever used a lie detector before?

Michael Cohen: I feel like I have.

Robert Mueller: Great!

Michael Cohen: Look. I want you to know I will gladly go to jail to protect Mr. President Trump.

Robert Mueller: Just relax, Mr. Cohen. If you’re innocent, you have nothing to worry about. I’ll start with some easy ones. How’d you like that peepee tape?

Michael Cohen: What?

Robert Mueller: I’m kidding. Relax. We’ll get to that later. Is your name Michael Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Yes.

Robert Mueller: And you’re a lawyer?

Michael Cohen: Ish.

Robert Mueller: Did you have– did you make a payment of $130,000 to Stormy Daniels?

Michael Cohen: Yes.

Robert Mueller: Did president Trump know about it?

Michael Cohen: No.

[Polygraph machine starts making noise]

Robert Mueller: I think you’re lying.

Michael Cohen: It was supposed to be a surprise for Stormy. Like a gift.

Robert Mueller: A gift?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. A gift. Like rock you throw through a window with a note tied to it that says “Stop talking.”

Robert Mueller: So you threaten people?

Michael Cohen: Directly? No. But, let’s just say I’ve cut a lot of letters out of a lot of a magazines. I was just trying to milk some information out of people. So what?

Robert Mueller: Did you say milk?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. Like, with a cow or a goat or a… cat. I mean, you can milk anything with nipples.

Robert Mueller: Really? I have nipples. Can you milk me, Mr. Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Look, Mr. Mueller, this entire Russian investigation is a witch hunt and your whole team is prejudiced against the president.

Robert Mueller: Not true. In fact, we use code names so personal feelings never come in to it.

Michael Cohen: Yeah? What’s president Trump’s code name?

Robert Mueller: It used to be Putin’s little bitch. Now, it’s Stormy’s little bitch.

Michael Cohen: What about Ivanka’s code name?

Robert Mueller: Girlfriend.

Michael Cohen: Jared Kushner?

Robert Mueller: Other girlfriend.

Michael Cohen: Don Jr. and Eric?

Robert Mueller: Two fradles.

Michael Cohen: What about my code name?

Robert Mueller: Dead man walking.

Michael Cohen: Look, I don’t have to take this from you. I have rights.

Robert Mueller: Now, you listen to me you little weasel. I don’t know what rights you think you have. You broke the law. And now we’re gonna catch all you little fakers, you got that?

Michael Cohen: Okay. Okay. But I will tell you this.

Michael Cohen and Robert Mueller: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.