Tag: episode 7

Drake PSA

Courtney… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with women standing and talking.]

Courtney: Are you a woman? Have you ever dated the rapper Drake?

Punkie: Have you ever met Drake at a party? Talked on Instagram?

Courtney: Or even made flirty eye contact with him at a restaurant?

Keke: Has Drake then referenced you, your relationship or the potential there up in a song?

Courtney: If the answer is yes, you are not alone.

Keke: There are thousands of us, and you may be entitled to benefits.

Chloe: For too long we have witnessed Aubrey Drake gram right hit after hit about women who have wronged him.

Sarah: And some women who have done nothing at all.

Chloe: Only to earn millions of dollars.

Punkie: Well today, her loss is our gain.

Heidi: Because we, the thousands of Drake’s exes and shawties have voted to join forces.

Keke: And officially unionize as the United Tingz of Aubrey.

Punkie: It is time that we stand up and fight for our rights as Tings in the united front.

Courtney: My name is Courtney. I left Drake a voicemail once about an overdue car payment. And now I’m an interlude on an album. How does that work?

Heidi: I serve Drake some leather straps at PF Changs and 2009. I laughed at it as joke about our huge menus, and apparently I’m his ex now? Make that make sense.

Punkie: Well, Drake hit on me at a Dave and Busters once. I told him that I was a lesbian and he said, “Me too.”

Keke: My name is Keke Palmer. And that “Kiki, do you love me” song ruined my damn life. That man had the whole internet asking if I was the Kiki. Well, yes, I am the Keke, just got that Kiki. It was my name first. Stop acting like we smashed, and give me my damn $6 million.

Sarah: Drake sent me a Bobby Hill GIF on Instagram once. I said who is that? Next thing I know, I’m that goofy shawty from Virginia Beach who curved him.

Chloe: We may have started from the bottom, but we still here.

Keke: To be clear. To be clear, a union membership is not dependent on dating Drake. You may qualify as one of our Aubrey Tingz if you met Drake at a basketball game, met Drake at a club, saw Drake at a club, been to a club at all.

Punkie: Have dined at the following restaurants. Ruth’s Chris steakhouse. Carbone. Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu.

Sarah: But here at United Tingz of Aubrey, we believe in a brighter future.

Punkie: One where Tingz can be left alone.

Keke: and your name stays out of Drake’s mouth.

All: 525,600 shawties. 525,600 Tingz.

Keke: In strip clubs and airports, black women who live in Memphis.

Courtney: It doesn’t matter if you’ve met him at all.

Man: United Tingz of Aubrey. #TingsAcrossAmerica.

Choir Practice

[Starts with a group of girls having choir practice]

Bowen: Okay, girls, let’s get started with ‘Oh Holy Night’ and a one, and a two, and…

Girls: [singing] Holy night,
the stars are brightly shining
it is the night of our dear savior’s birth

Deedee and Dana: Fall on your knees
and hear the angels’ voices
oh night, divine, oh night divine

Bowen: Yes. I felt like I was there.

Ego: Mr. David, why did Deedee and Dana get to do all the solos?

Bowen: Because art is not fair.

Dana: And maybe if you put your whole P word into it like we do, you’ve got a solo.

Deedee: Yeah, we put our whole P word in it.

Bowen: Oh, I almost forgot. We have a new student joining us today transferring. Everyone, this is Kayla.

Deedee: Hello, my lady.

Dana: Welcome to Christ Wound Hi.

Kayla: Thanks. I’ve never gone to an all girls school before.

Dana: It’s like a regular school by way better because we’re all sisters here.

Deedee: Yeah, we’re all synced up, so that’s pretty cool to like insane.

Dana: Yeah. The last line of mine is like, insane.

Deedee: I don’t have mine yet, but I act crazy just to be a part of it.

Bowen: Focus up. Kayla, how about you sing a little ‘Oh holy night’ for us so we can hear a ring?

Kayla: I haven’t practiced.

Bowen: And a one, and a two and…

Kayla: Fall on your knees,
hear the angels voices
oh night, divine, oh night divine

Bowen: Hello. I’ll tell her. That was Broadway. You’re the new Funny Girl.

Deedee: Where’d you transfer from? Heaven?

Dana: Deedee, snap out of it. She’s our competition. You can let her steal our solo.

Deedee: Right, right, right.

Dana: Mr. David, are we going to bring it back. And one and a…

Fall on your knees

Deedee: On your knees.

Dana: Oh, hear the angels voices

Deedee: Sing it like wow. Because Christ was born in a city.

Kayla: Oh, night. Divine.

Bowen: All right. I made my decision. And I’ve consulted with the gods plural.

Ego: We go to Catholic school.

Bowen: Grow up. The solo goes to Kayla.

Dana: No!

Deedee: Seems fair to me.

Kayla: Wait. I have an idea. Christmas is a season of togetherness. So why don’t we all do the solo together?

Ego and Sarah: Us too?

Bowen: Even me?

Kayla: All of us. And let’s put our whole P words into it.

Deedee: I love this woman.

All: Fall on your knees
oh hear the angels voices
oh night, divine, oh night, divine

Big Boys

Keke: Winter has arrived, y’all.

Ego: Temperature’s droppin’.

Cecily: And you know what that means.

Punkie: It’s coughing season.

Cecily: That time of year when we find a man to keep us warm through these cold months.

Ego: But not just any man will do.

Cecily: That’s right. We out here lookin’ for some big boys.

SZA: [singing] It’s cuffin’ season
And now we’ve got a reason
To get a big boy, I need a big boy
Give me a big boy (Big, b-big, b-big, big boy)
It’s cuffin’ season
And all the girls are leavin’
To get a big boy (Big boy), I need a big boy (Big boy)
I want a big boy

Keke: I need a big boy w-wit’ polar bear arms
Keeps me warm in a winter snowstorm
Wind chill is bitin’ but his jacket’s unzipped
He bring in my groceries in just one trip

Ego: Till the sun comes back, I need a big boy hottie
Makes his own heat with his big boy body
For the next three months, skinny boys is dead
Forget a six-pack, I need the whole damn keg

Punkie: Big boy w-with a big ole back
A California king, refrigerator stacked
With steaks on steaks on steaks on steaks on steaks
Bu-bu-butter, bacon, cheese, and lasagna in the tray

Cecily: Need an enormous man with an enormous stand
Feeds me snacks with his enormous hands
And I hope he asks me to be his winter-wife
‘Cause messin’ with a big boy will change your life

SZA: It’s cuffin’ season
And all the girls be needin’
I need a big boy, I want a big boy
Give me a big boy

Ego: I need a big boy body, like a bouncer
Big mouth-breather and legs like a monster
Get in the bed and he gonna do me right
And when we all done he gonna snore all night
And then he stops
Did this man just die?

Keke: Anything I need, my big boy got it
If I need a snack, he got Snickers in his pocket

Cecily: Big warm hoodie, yeah, you know I’m gonna rock it
And if we gon’ travel, you know he gon’ put me in first-class
’cause he don’t fit in the back

Punkie: Hey, big boys (Ah, ah)
Go big boys (Ah, ah)
Hey, big boys (Ah, ah)
I like ’em big boys (Ah, ah)
Keke: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Punkie, I thought you only liked girls.

Punkie: I love girls, but they can’t keep me warm. I wanna be the little-spoon sometimes. It’s like this.

I been mannin’ up the whole year
Taking care of kids and wife
I mow the lawn, take out the trash
You don’t think that I be tired?
All I do is work and stress and I could use a big boy so I could just relax
He need to have them love-handles in the front and in the back
And, yes, I want ’em three layers like McDonald’s BigMacs
But if we talkin’ girls, yo, I like my women big and it don’t matter what the season
Like ’em thick all year, yeah, yeah

SZA: It’s cuffin’ season
And now we got a reason
To get a big boy, I want a big boy
Give me a big, big, big boy

Kenan: We out here, ladies. We the reason for the season. These bears don’t hibernate in the winter. You know where to find us. We’ll be shovelin’ snow in shorts.

Women: Big, b-big, b-big boys.

Arby’s

[Starts with a commercial]

Male voice: It’s back. The Arby’s 5 for 10. That’s right. You get five Arby’s roast beef sandwiches for only $10. That’s five stacked juicy roast beef sandwiches for just 10 bucks. What do you have to say about that?

Cecily: I guess all I have to say is how?

Bowen: Yeah, that just seems like a lot of roast beef sandwiches for $10.

Male voice: It’s five heaping piles of tender roast beef for only 10 measly dollars. Can you even believe it?

Keke: Honestly, no.

Mikey: We’re struggling to understand the physics of how this much roast beef is $10.

Keke: Because isn’t one roast beef sandwich normally at least $5?

Male voice: Ha-ha-ha. A bet you never thought $10 to get you five mountains of roast beef.

Cecily: That’s exactly what we’re saying. We don’t think it’s possible.

Bowen: I just Googled roast beef prices at the grocery store and it sells for $11 a pound. But you’re saying…

Male voice: We’re giving you pound after pound of roast beef for just $10.

Keke: Yes. See, that’s what’s throwing us off, because it roast beef is $11 a pound. I mean, I know bread super cheap, but it’s not negative dollars.

Mikey: Arby’s is a for profit business, right? Like your goal is to make money? Because I couldn’t make five roast beef sandwiches at home for $10.

Keke: I don’t think I could make five roast beef sandwiches for less than $30.

Mikey: So I guess we’re wondering Where are you getting all this roast beef?

Male voice: Arby’s we have the meats!

Keke: No, no, no, no. That don’t answer the question. We know you have the meats. But where are you getting the meats?

Mikey: Also what kind of meats?

Male voice: And over at Taco Bell, don’t miss the new $5 box.

Mikey: Wait what?

Male voice: You get a chalupa supreme, a beefy five layer burrito, cinnamon twists, nacho cheese and chips and the 20 ounce soda for only $5.

Cecily: Oh my God. Is that real?

Male voice: Look it up. It’s the $5 box, only at Taco Bell?

Bowen: Okay, I don’t like that you change the subject to Taco Bell. But now I’m worried about this $5 box too.

Keke: You get multiple burritos, and cinnamon twists, and chips and nacho cheese and giant soda for $5?

Mikey: How can that physically happen? I mean each full burrito is like 70 cents.

Male voice: So Arby’s is looking pretty good by comparison, right?

Cecily: No. This all sounds horrible. Yeah, I thought the four for four menu at Wendy’s was insane.

[Kenan jumps out]

Kenan: Oh, what’s that?

Cecily: That’s a full cheeseburger and order of chicken tenders, fries and a soda for $4.

Kenan: Sounds suspicious.

Bowen: Hold on. Ving Rames? You do the voiceover in the store?

Kenan: That’s right. I’m physically present at every Arby’s location. Arby’s, we have the rains.

Cecily: Sir, and you think the Wendy’s deal sounds suspicious?

Bowen: You’re the ones offering five giant…

Kenan: Towers.

Bowen: Of roast beef for $10.

Mikey: How many sandwiches do you get from one cow?

Kenan: Oh, I don’t know. A million.

Keke: We’d honestly rather to pay more and get less roast beef. Then we would be so worried about where it’s coming from.

Kenan: Okay, so how much? How much?

Bowen: I don’t know. I guess to roast beef sandwiches for $12?

Cecily: I think three for 15.

Bowen: You’re gonna eat three roast beef sandwiches?

Cecily: Hey! [slaps Bowen] Do not shame me. Not in my debut Arby’s commercial.

Male voice: Arby’s new three for 15. You’ll pay a little more, but at least you’ll understand how it could physically be possible.

Weekend Update Mother Earth on Climate Change

Colin Jost

Mother Earth… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The UN Climate Change Conference ended this week with many saying that not nearly enough was done to address the alarming rise in global temperatures. Here to comment is Mother Earth.

[Mother Earth slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Mother Earth: Hello. Hello. Us creatures are warning– No, I’m kidding. I’m normal. I talk normal. Yeah, I’m just a normal mom who’s hot and pissed.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you so much for being here, Mother Earth.

Mother Earth: Oh, you can call me Mama.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Mama. Sorry, Mama. I don’t know. Does that sound natural coming for me?

Mother Earth: No, it sounds really bad.

Colin Jost: Well, I do you like your dress? It’s super cool. Is that like a mythical Earth robe?

Mother Earth: No, I got this a Chico’s because it had a moon on the boob. Yeah, I cannot believe that people say the earth is flat. I mean look at these honkers. [showing her breasts]

Colin Jost: HR said I’m not supposed to. So, the climate summit just finished. How are you?

Mother Earth: Not well, daddy. Not well. Here’s the thing. I am not a hard ass. I mean, you guys got to admit. Because I’ve been a very cool mom. Okay? I let a lot of weird stuff slide. Like, I let you do see worlds. I let you put mascara on rats and monkeys. And you know, New York is like a mix of cabs and horses and I’m like, “I don’t love it, but do your thing.” You know? But now I am worried. I think I’m like sick.

Colin Jost: Is there anyone who can help you out? Is there like a father earth?

Mother Earth: No. I mean, I’m single mom. You know, I mean, I do have a casual hookup situation with Father Time. Like, we get kind of freakin nasty.

Colin Jost: Wow.

Mother Earth: Yeah, well, I wish it was a ‘wow’, but it’s more of like, “Okay, thank you.”

Colin Jost: Well, what can we all do to reverse the current climate crisis?

Mother Earth: Well, it’s all the things that you don’t want to do. Like, no more hamburgers or Forever 21. Stop throwing iPhones in the ocean. And can I just say one thing? Coal is from my ass. You know that, right? Like, you’re literally going down digging around my ass and grabbing coal nuggets. And then you’re like, “Oh, I think we should burn our mom’s ass rock.” And the sun is right there literally begging for a job. But you guys are like, “No, no, we have a grand tradition of burning our moms ass.”

Colin Jost: Well, don’t you think we can make new technology that can help with some of this?

Mother Earth: I don’t know. I feel like all I see is divorce nerds trying to colonize Mars. You know? And honestly, I know Mars. She’s a hot dry windy horn. You know that, right Colin?

Colin Jost: I’ve heard that. I don’t know about you. I just think I’m still hopeful that we can make it better.

Mother Earth: Aww, see? I’m gonna miss humans after you burn. You guys are cute.

Colin Jost: Well, before we go, is there anything else you want humans to know?

Mother Earth: Yeah. Yeah, there is. Um, your mother. I care about you. I love you. And this can go one of two ways. You helped me or I’m gonna kill you. Mama gonna kill you dead. Nah, I’m kidding. I love you guys. I think the corporations are really going to help ya.

Colin Jost: Mother Earth, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update House Passes Build Back Better Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, yesterday it was a weird one for President Biden. He went under anesthesia for a colonoscopy and when he woke up, the house had passed a $2 trillion social safety net bill, the Rittenhouse verdict was announced and a woman had technically been president for the first time ever. And while Biden was processing all that, [picture changes to Joe Biden looking at a turkey] he was rushed off to pardon a turkey named Peanut Butter. I mean, come on, the guy just turned 79. Half the country already thinks he’s senile. You can’t drop all that on him the second he comes out of the gats. I actually can’t believe how well it went. Remember David after the dentist? [picture changes to a boy inside a car. It’s a YouTube video called “David after dentist”.] I’m surprised we didn’t get “Biden after the colonoscopy”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Kyle Rittenhouse was found not guilty in the murder of two men during a Black Lives Matter protest. So, hopefully he got all that shooting out of his system before he becomes a cop.

Protests are being held all around the country in response to the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, which is brave because Rittenhouse just got off a shooting protesters. I don’t know, maybe don’t tempt them?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Matt Gaetz said his office would be open to hiring Kyle Rittenhouse as a congressional intern because Gaetz has always loved teenagers who are willing to do terrible things. [Picture changes to Steve Bannon]
Steve Bannon seen here ordering one new liver please surrender to the FBI on contempt of Congress charges and said we are taking down the Biden regime. I hate to break it to you Steve, but I think Biden’s got that covered all on his own. Bannon addressed his supporters in a live stream on GETTR, a social media platform popular with Trump allies. GETTR is named after what its users say whenever they see a woman walking alone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dave Chappelle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Washington DC art school is postponing renaming its theater after alumni Dave Chappelle following his Netflix special controversy. Well, of course, because God forbid you should name a building after someone problematic in Washington DC. Meanwhile, my old high school insists on keeping the Michael Chase sucks Buck bathroom stall.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Gosar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some of my best work. Arizona Congressman Paul Gosar seen here watching an interracial couple walk by, has officially been censured after posting a violent anime video that depicted him killing Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. But I don’t know. He’s a 60 year old man who makes his own anime. When he heard he was getting punished, he was probably like, “Is it nipple clamps? I just hope an octopus doesn’t do anything to me.”

Weekend Update Baby Yoda on the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will feature several exciting new balloons including star of the Mandalorian Grogu, aka, Baby Yoda. Here to comment is Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Baby Yoda: Your boy is back. Wad up, New York city?

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: It’s great to see you again Baby Yoda. Now, you’re going to be a Parade balloon. You must be excited.

Baby Yoda: Well, I’m getting paid $2 million dollars to kick it with Pikachu, Ronald McDonald and the dude from Diary of a Wimpy Kid on live TV. High as hell. My life’s a movie, son!

Michael Che: It sounds like fun. So, you got any other fun Thanksgiving plans?

Baby Yoda: Hell yeah. Me and your squad are doing a little Friend’s giving thing over at Post Malone’s crib. It’s gonna be me, Millie Bobby Brown, The GEICO Gecko, new mega, and my boy Clifford the Big Red Dog. The crew.

Michael Che: Gosh. Well, and I noticed you have a new look.

Baby Yoda: Yeah. Oh, I guess it’s obvious. So, I’m a punk now. Yeah, like a really authentic, stick it to the man, Pop Punk. Yeah, I actually got a– I got a new album coming out.

Michael Che: Oh, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah, yeah. It’s called “Confessions of the diary of a loser”. It’s about being unpopular in high school because you’re a little green Jedi. And Che, I’m not gonna lie. The world ain’t ready for how good this music is. Woohoo!

Michael Che: It’s exciting. Can we hear a little?

Baby Yoda: Oh, he gotta twist my arm like that. Okay, yeah, I’ll drop one a capella. This song is called “10th grade is hard”.

[singing] Just another boring day in high school, Whoa
Why can I be on the TV? Yay Yeah
I guess I just stereotypical,
oh god oh god, yeah

Michael Che: I like it. Everybody likes it. What about the whole high school thing? How old are you again?

Baby Yoda: I’m in my 50s. But, yeah, you know your boy ain’t exactly y’all odd popular anymore. Yeah, turns out being on Disney plus has its own pluses.

Michael Che: That’s right. There’s been a lot of speculation about your dating life.

Baby Yoda: Yeah. That’s actually private. You know? I don’t really talk about that stuff. But uh, yeah, I’ll tell you everything. I’m dating mama bear from the Berenstein Bears. You know, we’re haveing fun. And bro, when she show up with that blue night gown and cap on, yeah. Let’s just say we go beren-stain them sheets.

Michael Che: Oh, come on, man. That is not appropriate.

Baby Yoda: Nah. It is though. Oh. I got a message for her ex. Baby Groot, it’s over. If you text my girl again, I will throw your twig ass in the chipper, turn you into some paper and then wipe my little green ass with you. Amen.

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update Adele Proposal New Lethal Weapon Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news et. There’s a picture of Adele at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man surprised his girlfriend by bringing you’re on stage to propose to her during an Adele concert. Then they sat down and listened to an hour of songs about divorce.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lethal Weapon poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mel Gibson is reportedly in talks to direct a new Lethal Weapon movie but if you want to see a broken down black guy team up with a handsome racist, just watch Weekend Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Frida Kahlo painting at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks.I wasn’t addressed. Anyway, a self Portrait by Frida Kahlo was sold at auction for the record some of $34 million. A price that definitely raised some eyebrows.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Professor: not immoral for adults to be attracted to children”.]

A professor at a college in Virginia is being criticized after saying that it is not immoral for adults to be sexually attracted to children. Find out why and his new book – “Wait, hold on! Hear me out…”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of bees at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New research shows that before honey bees are killed by murder Hornets, they scream a rally cry to other bees… who sadly just film the attack on their phones.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disneyland logo at left top corner.]

It’s not real, guys.

Colin Jost: Bees. It was announced that for the first time ever, Disney parks will feature black Santa Clauses. Unfortunately, as part of the villains parade.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Queen Elizabeth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Royal experts are saying that Queen Elizabeth’s health has entered a different phase and the public may not see her until February. So, you know what that means. New titties!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of moon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week the US experienced the longest partial lunar eclipse in nearly 600 years. Scientists say the Eclipse began when yo mama got on the trampoline.

 

Thanksgiving Baking Championship

Host… Alex Moffat

Stacy… Sarah Sherman

Mike… Simu Liu

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Pete Davidson, Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Thanksgiving Baking Championship.

[Cut to bakes and the host]

Host: Okay, Baker’s. Time is up. Today’s theme was giving thanks and you had two hours to create cakes based on what you’re most thankful for. First up is home Baker, Stacy.

Stacy: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here.

Ego: We’re glad you are. Now tell us what you made today.

Stacy: Well, I always worried I would never have children. So, this year I’m thankful for my beautiful baby girl who turns three this Thanksgiving. So, my cake is bubblegum sponge covered in sweet vanilla fondant. And my little girl just had her first dance recital so she’s wearing a pink tutu made of Spun Sugar.

Pete: That is adorable. I’m dying.

Stacy: Thank you. I’m almost as proud of her as I am with the cake.

Ego: Oh, well. Let’s see it.

[Stacy shows the judges her cake. It’s bad.]

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up.

Pete: Whoa, Stacy. It looks like you had a little trouble there.

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up. I thought if I pretended to cry, you wouldn’t noticed that my cake was bad.

Aidy: Okay, so where did you go wrong?

Stacy: Yeah. I had trouble was her head. So, I turned into a diaper. And then I put a yellow legs on her. I don’t I don’t know.

Ego: Well let’s sample the cake.

[The judges taste the cake]

Pete: Okay, I’m getting a lot of mustard.

Stacy: Yeah, I do not know how to bake. I also do not have a daughter. I made that all up.

Host: Wow, you are a mess. Next up is home Baker and amateur rapper, Mike.

Mike: Hi, judges. Happy bakesgiving.

Pete: [eating the cake] Ay, cute pun. And Mike, I have to ask. You rap?

Mike: Oh, I really do. And if I may.

[rapping] My name is Mike and I’m here to bake
the make the cake, the–

Aidy: Wow! Got a little tongue tied there. But let’s hear what you’re thankful for.

Mike: Well, this year I’m most thankful for time with friends and family. So, in the spirit of abundance, I made two cakes. So, first is a pilgrim made from butterscotch pound cake and European buttercream. The second cake is a faux Turkey made with Angel Food and caramel icing. Save me a drumstick. Save me a drumstick.

Ego: Wow, two cakes. That’s a fast. Let’s see them.

[Mike shows the judges his cakes. They’re really bad.]

Mike: Yeah, I did it wrong.

Pete: Oh! Mike! What happened?

Mike: I think just total lack of imagination and ability.

Ego: Why did you give the pilgrim red lips?

Mike: I don’t know. I don’t remember doing any of this.

Host: Oh, that’s too bad. Next up is returning contestant, Sandy.

Sandy: Hi, judges. I pulled out all the stops today with my three layer fall Fantasia maple bourbon wedding cake.

[Sandy shows the judges her cake. It looks fantastic.]

[the judges are whispering]

Aidy: Okay.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: What? No! This is good.

Pete: Well, you said it’s three layers and this is only two.

Sandy: His cake is horrible and you didn’t even taste it.

Ego: Alright, Mike, can we taste you cake?

Mike: Really? Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.

[While Mike tries to cut the cake, the cake opens its eyes and screams]

Ego: Mike did your cake just open its eyes and scream. How’s it doing that?

Mike: I don’t know. I think my cake is so bad, I opened a portal to hell.

Pete: Well, we still need to taste it.

Mike: Of course, of course.

[Mike tries to cut another cake. The cake starts puking.]

Aidy: Mike., did the pilgrim just barf on the turkey?

Mike: I believe it did, ma’am. It’s squeamish, I guess.

Sandy: That’s so disgusting. That is not up to baking challenge standards.

[Mike’s cake turns towards Sandy and starts puking on her]

Oh my god! Ew!

Ego: Well, Sandy, you asked for that.

Mike: Argh! Should I go? I feel like I should go.

Pete: No, Mike, it’s anyone’s game. Ralph?

5: Well, it’s easy to look back at Thanksgivings of old. But what will Thanksgivings be in the future? Thanks to a new era of space travel, we may know sooner than we think. My cake is a tribute to that.

[5 shows the judges his cake. It looks like a penis ejaculating.]

Aidy: Okay. And the white stuff is like the re-entering the atmosphere?

5: Yes, ma’am. And the spunk is icing.

Ego: Looks like we have a tough decision to make.

Sandy: No, you don’t.

Target Thanksgiving Ad

[Starts with clips of a family enjoying Thanksgiving]

Female voice: Hosting Thanksgiving is a big job. Luckily, Target’s got you covered with incredible savings on everything you need for a perfect feast. Buy-One-Get-One deals on Classic Thanksgiving sides and sauces. And of course, butterball turkeys from $1.49 a pound. But hosting Thanksgiving also means hosting your family. And that can be a whole damn thing.

[Cut to family arguing at the dinner table]

That’s my target’s also got great deals on a bunch of stuff you’ll need specifically for them. Like, half off Nate’s Humane Tofurkey Loaf for your nieces annoying new boyfriend.

New Boyfriend: I don’t eat anything with feathers anymore. You know, I’ve watched that Netflix documentary. Horrifying. Horrifying what they do to these birds.

Female voice: And after dinner, the savings keep on coming with discounts on Wilson brand footballs so you can work off dinner in the backyard with the uncle who takes the game too seriously.

[Cut to family playing football at the back yard. One guy hits another guy really hard like it’s a real game.]

Uncle: Whoo! Second down.

Female voice: And for your dirtbag cousin, take 20% off motion sensor lights so he can smoke cigarettes in the driveway.

Cousin: [smoking at the drive. There’s a kid looking at him.] You wanna try, little man? And $50 off Apple noise canceling air pods for when grandpa weighs in on social issues.

Grandpa: The democrats, while that guy’s changed football to high heeled sleep. [a guy uses Apple noise canceling air pod to ignore the talk]

Female voice: Plus, take 30% off Purina brand dog food. Since someone in your family’s bringing their dog even though you ask them not to. [A dog is messing up the trashcan.]

And for kids, great deals on toys they can destroy when they’re left unsupervised in the basement. [Kids are destroying the toys in the basement]

Plus everyday low prices on wine and beer to get you through this conversation.

Grandma: You know who died? Jeannie Feldman.

Female voice: And this conversation.

New Boyfriend: The thing about crypto that’s so exciting is that it’s decentralized. Like if you think about the blockchain…

Female voice: Or this one.

Uncle: [to his neice] Hey, you brought your new girlfriend. She got some nice titties, huh?

Female voice: Plus, huge savings on family holiday must haves. BandAids, pain relievers, and of course more wine.

Uncle: Nice ass on her too.

Female voice: Hey, someone’s got to host your family for Thanksgiving. Ah, so if you do the short straw…

Ego: [washing dishes] Anyone gonna help me with these?

Female voice: Turn to target for everything your family needs.

Cousin: [drunk] Ay, just give me my keys. I drive around all the time.

[Cut to cousin sleeping on Target mattress]

Female voice: Target. Let’s do it all again at Christmas.