Tag: episode 8

Donald Trump’s Security Briefing Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Mrs. Lemen… Aidy Bryant

Seth… Pete Davidson

John… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mrs. Lemen in her class with students]

Mrs. Lemen: And that is another example of how Felker influenced Latin American literature. [message alert] Seth, I thought I told you to turn off your phone.

Seth: I’m sorry, Mrs. Lemen. I think someone retweeted me.

Mrs. Lemen: Seth, you’re just random kid in high school. Who would retweet you?

[Cut to Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, I just retweeted the best tweet. I mean wow, what a great, smart tweet.

Kenan: Mr. Trump, we’re in a security briefing.

Donald Trump: I know, but this could not wait. It was from a young man named Seth. He’s 16, he’s in high school and I really did retweet him. Seriously. This is real.

Kellyanne Conway: He really did do this.

Kenan: Well, sir, you’re the president elect, so I guess you can do whatever you want but we’d really like to fill you in on Syria.

Donald Trump: God! Seth seems so cool. His twitter bio says he wants to make America great again.

Alex: That is cool, sir.

Donald Trump: It also says, he loves the Anaheim Ducks.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, see, there is a reason actually Donald retweets so much. He does it to distract the media from his business conflicts and all the very scary people in his cabinet.

Kenan: Oh. That does make sense.

Alex: Very clever sir.

Donald Trump: Actually, that’s not why I do. I do it because my brain is bad. But I promise I’m done retweeting. I’m ready to buckle down and get to work.

[two minutes later]

[Cut to Melissa and John watching TV sitting on a couch]

Melissa: John, you’re not even watching the show.

John: Ay, sorry babe. You know I love to tweet. And you’ve seen my new profile picture? It’s a skull with two big guns going through his head. And then the infidel written above it.

Melissa: Babe, that’s psycho. You’re only gonna attract psychos.

[message alert]

John: Whoa, I just got retweeted.

Melissa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway]

Donald Trump: Oops, I did it again.

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Please stop retweeting all these random real people. You’re not getting any work done.

Donald Trump: It’s not true. I was elected 25 days ago, and already unemployment is at a 9 year low. Millions and millions people have health care. And Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Kellyanne Conway: Yes. Yes. He is dead. Just like my soul and all of my hair.

Donald Trump: But next. I am going to do what I promised my whole campaign and I am going to build that swamp.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Don’t you mean drain the swamp and build the wall?

Donald Trump: No. That’s too many things. Just smoosh them together. Smoosh. Smoosh. Wait a minute. Is that the– at the end of the table, is that the picture of me that I hate? The one that the press is always using where I look so ugly? What is that picture doing in here?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, no. That’s actually– that’s just a plate of mashed potatoes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh!

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Your security briefing is incredibly important.

Donald Trump: You’re right. I’m sorry. [puts the phone down on his desk] You have my undivided attention.

[10 seconds later]

[Cut to Vanessa and Bobby at a restaurant]

Vanessa: I’m so glad we’re finally on this date. I got to say, you look exactly like your picture on twitter.

Bobby: Thanks.

Vanessa: So, tell me about your twitter bio.

Bobby: It says, “Liberalism is a mental illness.”

[message alert]

Whoa! I just got retweeted.

Vanessa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway. Donald Trump is blowing the blow horn.]

Donald Trump: Another great retweet.

Alex: Oh, jeez. Um, Mr. Trump, please, let’s get to work, okay? This is an extremely dangerous world. Pakistan is increasingly unstable.

Donald Trump: Should I call them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: North Korea is still doing nuclear tests.

Donald Trump: Should I text them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: And Iran is incredibly volatile.

Donald Trump: Should I have Ivanka send them some shoes?

Kellyanne Conway: Maybe.

Alex: Sir, okay, I hate to be rude but this is insane. Alright? Your inauguration is just seven weeks away.

[Kenan screams as he got scared]

Kenan: Sorry. I just hadn’t heard that put in weeks before.

Alex: Ya!

Kellyanne Conway: Plus, sir, we need to get moving because you have that dinner with Mitt Romney tonight.

Donald Trump: Oh! Do I have to?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Well, then can we at least have a picture of us together where he looks like a little bitch?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes.

Donald Trump: Okay. [puts his phone down on his desk] I’m ready to start this briefing.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay.

Donald Trump: Wait. Where is my chief strategist Steve Bannon? I can’t start without Steve Bannon

Kellyanne Conway: He’s walking in right now.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He is portrayed as a Grim Reaper.

Steve Bannon: Sorry, I am late.

Donald Trump: It’s okay, Steve. You look great.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Cleaning Crew

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Emma Stone

Leslie Jones

Karla… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with five colleagues in their office]

Beck: Well gang, thanks for working so late on the night before our big Christmas break. And you are all anxious to get back to your families, so I’ll see you in two weeks. Alirght?

[As everyone is getting ready to leave, three ladies walk in. Pete whispers on Beck’s ears.]

Oh, wait. What’s that? Okay. Um, sit down for a sec, everybody. Um, evidently our wonderful cleaning crew here has put together a Christmas show.

Pete: Really? And they wanna do it now?

Alex: I was hoping to catch the 9 o’clock train.

Cecily: [Russian accent] Oh, I’m so sorry. We can just clean your mess and say or do nothing?

Vanessa: Of course, we will stay and watch your show. You do so much for us.

Emma: Thank you, Ms. Christine.

Vanessa: Thank you Ms. Thang, about to perform with your other two Ms. Thangs.

Sasheer: You don’t know their names, do you?

Cecily: It’s a tradition in our country to share songs.

Emma: So, we write one just for you.

Leslie: With you in mind.

Beck: Sounds great!

Cecily: Okay, we are ready. [Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie] [music playing. They open their outer outfit. Inside, they’re wearing tight dress.]

[singing] hey there, Santa, you’ve been a bad boy

All: Like you do, like you do, like you always damn do

Emma: You came down the chimney and pushed me on the floor

All: What he do? What he do? What does Santa do to you?
Santa said be quiet as a mouse
don’t tell anybody or I’ll burn down your house
bad boy Santa, bad boy Santa
Santa’s a bad, bad boy.

[The staff are clapping]

Beck: Um, that was, um, something. So, thank you. Yeah.

Cecily: It was okay, or bad and you hate it?

Emma: Your face looks confused. You know who is Santa, right?

Leslie: He stand in your house and he goes “Ho, ho, ho!”

Beck: Yes, he does! He sure does. Very cute, ladies.

Vanessa: Thank you for sharing your beautiful cultures with you. I could listen to that for hours.

Pete: Really, Christine?

Emma: Oh, good, good. We have more.

Beck: Okay, well just one more. Deal?

Leslie: It’s a deal.

[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]

Emma: Wake up Santa, get out of my bed
it’s time to deliver those presents

Cecily: I know you want to go again
but it’s time to deliver those presents

Leslie: Santa, no, what did I say?
put on your pants and get back in your sleigh

All: Santa, Santa, Santa
just make it fast

Beck: Um, okay. That was number two.

Leslie: You don’t like?

Beck: Well, here in America, we don’t really think of Santa that way.

Cecily: Like in fun sexy way?

Emma: Like a big Frisker?

Cecily: Yeah, like a goofy elf and he’s horny all the time.

Alex: Kids, that’s not true about Santa.

[There are three kids looking at Alex]

Vanessa: Oh, god damn! I forgot your kids are here.

Alex: Yeah, I have them this weekend. I get on a year. Supervised. Hi, Karla.

Karla: [standing with the kids] This isn’t great, Dan!

Beck: Okay. I think we’ve all had enough. So let’s do just one more to make sure.

Pete: But they didn’t ask to do one more.

Cecily: We had one though.

[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]

Cecily: The elves are lined up outside my door
each one more worked up than the one before

Emma: Santa told the elves they could have a turn

Bad boy Santa, you never learn

Leslie: Give me a break, put the camera away

All: Plus I think, you’re too drunk anyway
Santa, Santa, Santa, what did I tell you
about my chimney
it only goes one way!

Beck: Well, I don’t see how you could top that. But let’s do two or three more just to make sure.

Emma: Okay. But this next one is a little bit dirty…

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Breaking Bad

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Golden Globe nominations were announced this week honoring the best in film and television. Here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! Merry Christmas you frothy glass of eggnog.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Welcome Leslie. Merry Christmas. So what do you think of this year’s nominees?

Leslie Jones: Man, I’m mad as hell, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I can’t believe the golden globe snub the greatest show on television, Breaking Bad.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, wait. Leslie–

Leslie Jones: Don’t interrupt me.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Leslie Jones: Okay? So the dad from Malcolm in the Middle gets cancer. He starts cooking meth. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Great idea, right? But his wife Skylar doesn’t approve. I mean Mr. White is making a million dollars a day, Colin. A day! And she still not happy. I’m like, “You need to get your ass your there and juggle them balls, bitch!” That is your purpose.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie, Breaking Bad came out seven years ago on AMC.

Leslie Jones: What the hell is AMC? Don’t they make hatchbacks or something like that? I can’t believe you ain’t telling me about Breaking Bad.

Colin Jost: What are you talking about? I told you about it all the time.

Leslie Jones: Man, I’m always trying to have sex with you. You think I hear you talk?

[Cut to Leslie Jones] Anyway, Mr. White is making a million dollars a day. So, it got me thinking about my retirement. You know what I’m saying? So I enrolled myself in a nice cool chemistry class.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hold on, wait a second. Are you saying you’re gonna start making meth?

Leslie Jones: Eventually. [Cut to Leslie Jones] We haven’t got to the meth yet. We’re still making volcanoes. They won’t let us get to the good stuff. But I already stole all the beakers and the bunsen burners from the joint and I bought a RV and parked it our there by the tree.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait a second. You’re saying you took a mobile meth lab, parked it under the Christmas tree of Rockefeller Center?

Leslie Jones: Yeah! The only thing I need now is emotionally damaged white boy. You wanna be my Jessie Jones?

Colin Jost: Of course, yes, I will be, Leslie. But I’m not emotionally damaged.

Leslie Jones: Oh, you will be when I’m finished with you.

Colin Jost: Okay. Leslie Jones, everyone!

Leslie Jones: Woo! We’re cooking it, baby!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on Time Magazine

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Time magazine this week named Angela Merkel as it’s 2015 person of the year. Here to comment is German chancellor, Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in]

Angela Merkel: [in calm voice] Woo, woo, woo.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you okay chancellor?

Angela Merkel: I’m trying to celebrate. My body is rejecting it.

Colin Jost: Your body is rejecting celebrating?

Angela Merkel: Well, let me talk. Oops!

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, Time person of the year though. Right? I mean you must be at least flattered by the honor.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Of course, this is unt-hoot as well as un-tolla. But 2015 has not been the easiest year. Greece wanted to borrow more money. Syria asked if 1 million refugees could sleep on my couch. Unt, my favorite blazer has been discontinued at the short unboxing. Plus, [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost. Angela Merkel pulls out Time magazine with her on the front page.] look at my face. This is like a pile of oat meal with two blueberries for eyes. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It just smiles and says, “Are we done here?” [starts sobbing]

Colin Jost: Now, hold on. [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost] I think it is at least a huge deal. You know? Cheer up. Think of it as a Christmas present from Santa Claus.

Angela Merkel: Yea right, you’re right. But in Germany we do not have Santa Claus.  We have an ancient demon named Crampas. [Cut to Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: Oh yeah.

Angela Merkel: Yes. Your horror movie is what our children look forward to all year. If you’re nice, he gives you a tiny block of thick paste. And if you’re bad, he ices your out emotionally until you scream, “What have I done?” But he never says. He just rolls his eyes and leaves you to punish yourself. But it works.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that sounds terrifying. Now, Donald Trump was very critical of you winning the title. He says you’re ruining Germany.

Angela Merkel: Oh yeah, I guess he prefers earlier stuffs. Woof! Woof! [Cut to Angela Merkel] You know, the only thing he and I’d see eye to eye on is hair shapes. Because we have the same stylist.

Colin Jost: Same stylist?

Angela Merkel: Yes. We just walk in, we have– “You have three seconds, go!”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And Angela, did you hear from any other world leaders?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Hillary and I were exchanging tiny umes… She was like, [Cut to Angela Merkel] “Congrats on the cover, girl.” And I was like, “Congrats on republican nominees, girl. By the way, do you think Barack Obama saw the cover photo because I ran into Barack at the climate summit and he makes my climate warm, like, more than 2 degree Celsius. Woo-woo.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I at least hope —

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: It’s a goo try, it’s almost taking.

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: No, no. It’s weird. It’s weird. You can’t celebrate. I hope you at least take some time to enjoy this moment.

Angela Merkel: Yeah, I will, I will, because our Christmas holiday is coming up and I plan to take full three hours. I will get turned up, there will be so much eggnod.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, eggnod?

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Yes, this is when you watch a chicken hatch from an egg and you nod at it, and it nods back at you as if to say, “We are all born and we all shall die. Merry Crampus everyone.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Merry Crampus. Angela Merkel, everyone.

Angela Merkel: Time for me.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Cuban flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A couple in Brooklyn has adopted a stray kitten they found while in a trip to Cuba. So congratulations, your plan worked caviar!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of young kids at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new poll, only 65% of American teenagers still think Facebook is cool. ‘I still like those odds”, said a sex offender.

[Picture changes to a cartoon character Charlie Brown.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Is that the sex offender?

Colin Jost: I think that was the other. Sex offender was like, “Aw!” A former child actor who played the voice of Charlie Brown in several peanut specials was sentenced to five years prison for making criminal threats. All this despite the fact that he had access to affordable psychiatric care. [Picture changes to cartoon picture of Charlie Brown  sitting in front of a board that says “Psychiatric Help 5 cents.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a candle and Pringles chips logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that Pringles is now selling candles scented like their potato chips. In case anybody wants to die in a saddest fire.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Burt Reynolds and Charlie Sheen at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a new interview, Burt Reynolds criticized Charlie Sheen saying he deserves to get HIV. Adding, “For his work in Major League 2.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I like that one. A woman was arrested by New Jersey Police for Drunk Driving, repeatedly telling officers that she was “Looking for New Jersey.” But you know, if you’re driving around drunk and lost, you don’t need to look for New Jersey, coz it’s been inside of you the whole time.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

At a rally in South Carolina, Donald Trump called for a total and complete ban on Muslims entering the US. [Picture changes to Ben Carson] Ben Carson agreed that Muslims are dangerous agents of evil who speak in unintelligible language and are yellow with blue pants and goggles, and he’s definitely thinking of minions. [Picture changes to The Minions.] You know, this is gonna sound crazy, but I don’t believe Donald Trump is a racist. I think he’s just pandering to the most prejudiced segment of the country. He’s hassling them. His best friends are Mike Tyson, Don King and Omarosa. I know black people that wouldn’t hangout with those black people. Donald Trump is as much of a racist as he is a devout Christian gun fanatic. None of what he saying is true. You don’t just develop racism overnight on a campaign trip. Racism is embedded deep down in a person’s soul. I’ve looked into that man’s eyes. Donald Trump doesn’t have a soul. There’s nothing in there but dollar signs floating in cologne.

At this point, Trump is the political equivalent of phone sex operator. He’s just whispering whatever dirty little racist fantasies republicans want to hear. And his supporters are hanging up saying, “I think Donald Trump really likes me.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, I agree I don’t think Donald Trump is a racist. That’s just what he is selling. The same way [Picture changes to Peyton Manning on Papa Johns commercial] Peyton Manning sells Papa Johns. He doesn’t actually go home and eat Papa Johns. I mean, that guys has enough internal injuries as it is. But isn’t it almost worse if Donald Trump doesn’t believe what he’s saying? Because it’s one thing to sell Papa Johns, it’s another thing to sell it by saying, “We should round up all the Taco Bells and send them back to Mexico.”

[Picture changes to Jeb Bush]

According to a new report, Jeb Bush’s campaign and the super packs supporting him have spent more than $30 million on ads for him. And from the looks of those ads, it seems like things aren’t going great for Jeb.

[Cut to made up Jeb Bush Commercial]

[Sentimental music playing while showing pictures of Jeb Bush looking sad. At the bottom, it is written “Rescue Jeb Today 1-800-5550-199.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kendrick Lamar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Send some money today. The Grammy nominations were announced with Kendrick Lamar getting 11 nominations. [cheers and applause] I know. It’s a first good news in a while about a black guy getting something 11 times.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Cool.

Star Wars Toy Commercial

Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of Star Wars toys]

Male voice: New Start Wars: The Force Awakens toys and action figures are here.

Two kids: Cool!

Male voice: Are you ready to bring the adventure of Star Wars universe into your home?

Two kids: The force is with us.

[Two nerd adults walk in]

Bobby: And us.

Taran: Yeah! Us too.

Male voice: New action figures and play sets for ages six and up.

Three nerd adults: [holding the toys] Way up!

Male voice: Battle the evil Kylo Ren.

Kid: I’m gonna get you in my light saver.

Taran: Or leave it in the box!

Kid: Storm troopers, attack!

Bobby: Or leave them in the box and never touch them.

Male voice: All your favorite Star Wars heroes and villains.

Kid: I have Rey and Finn.

Kyle: I have three of each. One to display, one to open and one just in case.

Kid: Why?

Male voice: Nonstop Star Wars action. Like Chewbacca with a clip-on forest armor.

Kid: Time to suit up!

[Taran stops the id]

Taran: Or, just look at it! Radical!

Male voice: Launch into hyper-space with Battle Action Millennial Falcon with real movie sounds.

Bobby:  It’s completely movie accurate! [A kid is playing with his ship] No, what are you doing? [He takes the ship toy back and shows the kid] That’s not how it lands. It goes [making sound of ship] pssssss, arrrrrr, khssssssss, phssss, phssss.

Male voice: You control the force. You control the action.

[A kid is hitting two figures on each other]

Kyle: They don’t fight like that.

Kid: Yeah, just lid Dug Vador.

Kyle: [angry] Dug Vador?

Male voice: The power is in your hand.

[Taran is playing the toy while a kid is watching him]

Kid: Does your wife like toys too?

Male voice: Collect them all and the fun never stops.

[Bobby is cleaning his action figure to put it on the shelf for show, while three kids are watching him do that.]

Bobby: Awesome!

Male voice: Start Wars: The Force Awakens action figures. Each sold separately for children and adult collectors.

Kids: Star Wars!

[All the adults run in with their toys]

Adults: May force be with you!

[The End]

On The Record With Greta Van Susteren

Greta Van Susteren… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren intro]

Male voice: You’re watching On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren.

[Cut to Greta in her set]

Greta: Good evening, I’m Greta Van Susteren. Now, I’m gonna try this again now. She sells sea shells by the sea– no, I can’t do it. Tonight, Donald Trump has doubled down on his proposal to ban all Muslims from entering America. And some of them criticize the other GOP candidates for not condemning his comings more strongly. Joining me first in the studio is senator Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello Greta. Um, a friend of mine wanted to say hello to you. I think you’ve heard of him. He’s the US constitution.

[Cut to Greta and Ted Cruz]

Greta: Okay, senator. A lot of GOP primary voters agree with Trump and you need those also. Will you go on the record and condemn what Mr. Trump said?

Ted Cruz: Well Greta, [Cut to Ted Cruz] I am not afraid to take a stand on this. When I heard Donald Trump’s comments on Muslims, I said, “Wow…”

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: And we’re talking ‘Wow’ like, “Wow, that’s crazy!’ or ‘wow’ like “Oh, that’s a good idea”?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Exactly!

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: But Cruz, do you support ban on Muslims, yes or no?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, put simply, nyes.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Nyes? Is that no or a yes?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: [laughing] It is indeed.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay, we’re gonna come back to you senator. And joining us now via satellite is governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to split screen of Chris Christie and Greta]

Chris Christie: Hey, how you doing?

Greta: Yea, governor Christie, your reaction?

Chris Christie: Alright, look. [Cut to Chris Christie] This guy Trump is a clown, okay? He’s a total joke. The last thing anyone wants is some loud mouth bully from the tri-state area who hearls insult of people like a fat headed jabroni. Greta, look, I wanna make a very clear distinction. When Mr. Trump insults Muslims, those are not the values of the republican party. They’re simply the values of people who vote for the republican party. So in that sense and in that sense only, go Trump!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Greta]

Greta: Ya, but you don’t think we should block Muslims from entering?

Chris Christie: Yea. What we need to do is build a bridge between Muslims and Americans. [Cut to Chris Christie] Okay? But we have to make that bridge really hard to cross. You know? Like, really slow down the flow of traffic on the bridge until that son of a bitch for Fort Lee gets the message.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay. Finally, joining us from his campaign White Quarters in Virginia, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to split screen between Ben Carson and Greta]

Ben Carson: Hi, Greta. I just drank a Redbull and I am fired up about this. [Cut to Ben Carson] But first, can I just ask, what happened to me? I mean, when I left for the Middle East, I was tied for number one in the polls. When I came back a week later, everyone had forgotten about me. My campaign headquarters got cleared out and they’re turning it into an office for DraftKings.com. I mean, did I winkle myself? Have I been asleep for years?

[Cut to Ben Carson and Greta]

Greta: You have fallen quite a bit in the polls. And it seems like some are now questioning your foreign policy experience.

Ben Carson: Listen, but that’s why I went to visit the lovely country of Jordans.

Greta: Jordan.

Ben Carson: I met with the Sheits and the Heits.

Greta: That’s alright.

Ben Carson: And I talk to them all about radical groups. Humus, ISIS, even Outgator.

Greta: Oh, no. So, you think we should hit ISIS head on.

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: That’s right. Head on. Which is always also the first rule of brain surgery. Always leave the head on.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Well, that’s all the time we have. It seems like no one was willing to stand up to Mr. Trump and offer a full condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Did you say constitution?

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: No. I said condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, well you’re absolutely right, Greta. This is not a condom nation. This is a Christian nation.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Oh my gosh, my soul hurts. For On The Record, I’m Greta Van Susteren.

[The End]

Pirate Ship

Bulmier… Chris Hemsworth

Cecily Strong

Strike Pete… Taran Killam

Cathro Jake… Kenan Thompson

Mark… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with pirates in their ship]

Bulmier: Drink up, boys. And mind your manners, we have a guest.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cecily. Bulmier his holding Cecily hostage.]

The governor will pay a fine ransom for you.

Cecily: You’re disgusting.

Bulmier: Oh yes, thank you. Now, let’s give her a little of pirate’s welcome. Ha-ha.

[music playing]

[The pirates start dancing]

My name is captain Bulmier
I ride upon the waves
and if the Queen sends her ships
I’ll send them to the graves

[Cut to Strike]

Strike: I’m Strike Pete, the gunner
my aim is deadly true
I’ll send a ball right through your hole
and sink you in the blue

[Cut to Cathro]

Cathro: I’m Cathro Jake, the buccaneer
my soul is scarred and dead
and if you dare to cross me
me knife goes in your head 

[Cut to everybody. Mark swings by the rope.]

Mark: My name is Mark and I keep things fun.

Cecily: Who was that?

Strike: Use your pretty ears. That was Mark.

Cathro: And he keeps things fun.

[Cut to Mark, showing his stuffed parrot.]

Mark: I made a little outfit for the parrot. It’s the kind of stuff I do, keeping it light, keeping it fun. Expect this kind of stuff from me.

[The pirates are laughing]

Pirates: [singing] So, bury me bones with Devi Jones
and drink rum for me

[laughing]

Bulmier: How good is Mark.

[Cut to Cecily, blushing]

Cecily: He is not bad.

[Bulmier walks to Cecily]

Bulmier: Not bad? Not bad? He’s the best!

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Uh, gentlemen, I’m sitting on the cannon.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cecily]

Bulmier: [laughing] Mark, what re you up to?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I don’t know, but I don’t feel so good. [putting his one hand over his stomach as if he has upset stomach]

[Mark lights up the cannon and as the cannon blows, he acts as it was his fart.]

Ah!

[Cut to everybody laughing]

Cecily: Okay, you’re right. Mark is the best.

Bulmier: See? That’s what Mark does. He makes–

[Cut to Strike and Cathro]

Cathro: Every ship needs a Mar. The sea will drive you mad without a buffoon to keep you guessing.

Strike: Mark’s got this character he does named Jeffy. [laughing] He’s got two hooks or hands and he– you know what? I’m not even doing it juts as you. You just have to see it.

[Cut to everybody]

Bulmier: Mark, do the dance. Do thedance.

Mark: I don’t know. Give me a beat.

[The pirates start clapping and tapping]

[Mark walks forward and starts does nae-nae and other pop dances.]

[As dancing, Mark falls down the ship.]

[Cut to the pirates looking down the ship]

Cathro: What?

Strike: Oh my god!

[As the pirates are looking for Mark down the ship, Mark walks in from behind and looks down with them.]

Mark: Good riddens to that guy now.

[Pirates are laughing]

[Cut to everybody]

Strike: You just went over boars.

Cathro: And you’re not even wet. I am! How did you do that?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: You want me to say? It’s so obvious you’re gonna be made that you didn’t figure it out.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cathro]

Bulmier: No, no. I don’t want to know.

Cathro: I mean I do, but I don’t.

Bulmier: Well, let’s sway anchor and let’s sail lands.

[Cut to Mark. He has hooks on his both hands.]

Mark: Hey guys, can someone help me in the bathroom?

[Cut to everybody]

Strike: Oh, Jeffy! Jeffy!

Cathro: He is doing the Jeffy.

[Pirates laughing]

[The End]

Male Strippers

Host… Kenan Thompson

Phil… Taran Killam

Brandon… Chris Hemsworth

Keith… Jay Pharoah

Craig… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with the host of Hunk Junction speaking on the stave]

Host: Okay everybody, let’s calm down. Now, I’m very sorry that I got so upset with that woman. But there is no outside food allowed in the strip club. Now I know you wanna have a good time. But a full styrofoam play to chicken vindaloo, that will not work. Have some respect for the people around you, and also yourself. Look at the mess that she left. [Cut to a table where left overs from packed food is left.] Looks like a whole came through here.

[music playing]

Now you ladies ready to get horned up? You wanna see some peen?

[Cut to the ladies audience cheering and applauding.]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, we got a great lineup for great AB for you tonight. Four brand new fangses here at Hunk Junction. They are some students from nearby college. They’re good looking boys and they put together a real hot show for ya. Let’s bring em’ out.

[Cut to cheering ladies]

[Cut to four guys walking on the stage]

Phil: Hit it!

[music changes]

[Cut to Phil]

Good evening ladies. I’m Phil and I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to dance for you this evening.

[Cut to Brandon]

Brandon: And I’m Brandon. And I hail from the great state of Oregon. Home of the majestic red one.

[Cut to Keith]

Keith: Me, I’m Keith and I’m from a small lobster town in New England.

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: I’m Craig, and the white sandy shores of Ahwatukee is where I call home.

[Cut to the guys]

All: This is our America.

[The guys start dancing]

[Cut to the ladies staring at them. Leslie is enjoying.]

[Cut to the guys dancing]

Phil: Next stop, New York city.

Keith: Step on it.

Craig: All aboard.

[train engine sound as the guys are dancing in a line]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: What the hell is this?

Aidy: Yeah, I paid to see naked tool.

Kate: Something better slop out of their pants pretty quick.

Leslie: I appreciate the showmanship.

[Cut to the boys under one umbrella]

Craig: It’s starting to rain, just our luck!

Phil: On our first day in the big city?

Keith: You gotta be joking me.

Brandon: Who cares? Take a look at that skyline.

Phil: Taxi cab!

[Cut to Host looking nervous and confused.]

Host: Should I stop this? I mean what should a man in my position do?

[Cut to the boys. Jon walks in with a newspaper in his hand.]

Jon: Top story. The Germans are retreating.

[Jon dances out]

Brandon: Did you hear that fellas? The war is over!

Craig: We won!

Phil: Taxi!

[Cut to the ladies.]

Kate: Okay, maybe we got to tip them.

Cecily: You know, even if they do strip, I’m not sure I’ll be turned on at this point.

[Cut to the boys dancing on the stage. Kate dances in and gives Brandon some money. He just takes it and puts it in his wallet.]

Brandon: Thank you ma’am.

[Kate walks away]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: He put the tip in his wallet.

Kate: Yea, yea, but it worked. It worked. Look.

[Cut to the dancing boys. They rip off their pants, but underneath, they’re wearing another white pants.]

[Cut to the ladies]

Aidy: What? Why are they wearing long shorts under their break-away pants?

Leslie: Listen, these men are hot. You can’t argue with that. This show may not be perfect but they care about it.

Aidy: okay, but this part is straight up racist.

[Cut to the boys wearing Asian hat and using Asian hand-fan.]

Phil: Your town is amazing.

Brandon: So many great Chinese people.

Craig: And culture.

Keith: What an afternoon!

[Cut to Host]

Host: [speaking on the mic] Whip out your naked ding-dongs now!

[Cut to the guys dancing]

Boys: Taxi!

[The boys are high-fiving and celebrating.]

[Host walks in disappointed]

Host: Yeah, I knew I shouldn’t have hired these men when they showed up with little dance bags that said, “Tis School of the Arts.” And then they asked if I supplied character shoots. Now, gentlemen, listen up. If you wanna continue working at this establishment, you must expose your stinky pee and them testi-balls.

[The boys start opening their pants]

No, no, no, no. You gotta do it with the music.

[The End]