Tag: Kate McKinnon

America’s Funniest Pets

Ron Howard… Tom Hanks

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with America’s Funniest Pets intro]

Female voice: [singing] America’s looking at cats, 

America’s looking at dogs,
America’s looking at birds, going nuts
America’s looking, America’s looking at,
America’s Funniest Pets

Announcer: With your host, Ron Howard.

[Cut to Ron Howard in his set]

Ron Howard: Hey, hey. Hey, hey there. Hey. Hey. Hey, it’s me Ron Howard, how cool is that? Huh? I know, I know, I know you probably asking yourself, why the heck am I hosting a pet blooper show? Well, in simple, pet bloopers just make me giggle. Ha-ha-ha. You know, I could use a good laugh after working all day. Well, I look like Tom Hanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Tom Hanks but what a pain in the ass. It’s okay. Alright. Who is ready to laugh at some funny pets. I know I am. Check out this first clip.

[Cut to a cat in a bathroom sink. The tap is on a little and she is looking at her soaking body.]

Oh boy. Oh boy. I am feeling so relaxed right now. If I fall in the water, call a per a medic. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Ron Howard] Okay, you believe it or not, there is a prince version of this show and we’re lucky enough to have the host with us today. So, please welcome [mumbles their names]

[Kate and Cecily walk in]

Hey, hey, how are you doing? Great to see you. It’s really great to see you. Hey, hi.

Kate: [strong French accent] Thank you for having us.

Cecily: [strong French accent] Yes. You know, we love you, Ron Howard. We love your movies like Cacoon.

Kate: Wi, Cacoon. [French language] Cacoon.

Cecily: [French language] Cacoon.

Kate: Back draft.

Cecily: Back draft.

Kate: Back draft.

Ron Howard: Hey, that’s great. That’s great. That’s great. Yeah. Well, since you’ve come all the way from France, I’d love to see you do a clip.

Cecily: Yeah, of course we will do the blooper for you.

Kate: We can do. Request is [French language]

Ron Howard: Great, great. Let’s take it away.

[Cut to a video clip of a cat peeking from the side of the bed.]

Cecily: Oh, this cat here is witnessing a violent murder.

Kate: The victim scream, “Please call for help.”

Cecily: But he is paralyzed.

Kate: It will hunt him forever because he can’t watch a man beat to death and he do nothing.

Cecily: Yes. In this moment, he learn he is a true coward.

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Okay. Okay, okay. Wow. You know, but it’s the director in me, but can I give you a note?

[Cut to Kate and Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, of course.

Ron Howard: Okay, could you try to make it more silly. You know, more fun? May try to put a pun in there. Like, you’re freaking meow (me out). Ha-ha-ha. Okay, okay. Roll the clip.

[Cut to a video clip of a cat holding a bar and sleeping]

Cecily: Oh, this cat is waiting on his dead beat dad but he’s once again with his whore. It’s a hotel, he provide no [unintelligible]

[Cut to a video clip of a piglet moving]

Kate: This pig dance not for joy but for sexual pleasure.

Cecily: You see just behind him, it’s an audience of masturbating businessmen.

Kate: Oink, comfortable

Cecily: This is how we do it.

[Cut to a video clip of cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]

Oh, this cat is dead fro drug overdose.

[Cut to another video clip of a cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]

Kate: And this cat is being prepared for morgue. Just kitten (kidding).

Cecily: Bun chicken meow, meow.

Kate: Not bad, huh?

Cecily: not bad.

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Cheese and rice. Can I just give you one more just, just one adjustment? Maybe try one where, “I don’t feel like killing myself.” Try some cartoony noises and catch phrases. Here, here. Watch me.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog with long neck looking at the camera funnily]

Oh, dorpy-dorp-dorp. I’m the mean old dog and this is what I think about you. Phrrr. Dorpy-dorp-dorp-dorp. [Cut to Ron Howard, Kate and Cecily] Alright? Alright?

Cecily: You know, dorpy-dorpy-dorp.

Kate: Dorp-dorp, get the job done.

Ron Howard: Okay, cool, cool. Great. Great. Let’s try it.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog walking on two feet at the grocery store.]

Cecily: Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My mother is dead back there. Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My brains are on my balls.

Kate: Barp-badarp-badar. This looks very bad for me. I am a payroll. Bleh!

Cecily: Bloopy-bloopy-bloopy. Please, someone, my mother is in back split in the middle. I’m covered in my mother.

Kate: Da-da-da-da. I think she may still be breathing. Someone, bring her out of her misery.

Cecily: Oh, check please.

Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.

Kate and Cecily: Dohh!

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Okay, okay. I think that’s the best we’re gonna get.

[Cut to Kate and Cecily]

Kate: We did good. We did good.

Cecily: Yeah, we should come back every week.

[Cut to everybody]

Ron Howard: Well, well, let’s not get crazy.

Cecily: Ron Howard, fantastic.

Kate: Ron Howard!

[The End]

Weekend Update Olya Povlatski

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Russia of course has played a large part in the US election this year with near constant accusations of hacking and cyber attacks. Here to commend from a remote village in Russia is Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya Povlatski slides in]

Olya Povlatski: Hey!

Colin Jost: Hi, Olya, it’s so good to see you.

Olya Povlatski: Look who it is, Mr. Colin Jost. Well, well, well.

Colin Jost: Well, well? What did I do?

Olya Povlatski: Nothing. I’m telling you where all my sisters died. Well, well, well.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Now Olya, let’s just talk about some of this hacking that’s going on right now in Russia.

Olya Povlatski: Argh! These Russians, they love to hack, Colin. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] That’s why I have very strong password no one can guess, okay? It’s the noise I make every morning when I wake up. [Olya Povlatski makes groaning sound] But all the Os are zeros. Shh.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s really smart. That’s clever. Now, um, Russia has obviously been narrow mixed up in our election. Have you been following our election as result?

Olya Povlatski: Oh, yeah. Colin, I even– I watched the debate on Sunday.

Colin Jost: You watched the debate?

Olya Povlatski: Yes. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] I really– I related to this Hillary Clinton because I have also been attacked by a dog for 90 minutes. But, now we’re engaged. So you never know, you know?

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Congratulations.

Olya Povlatski: Thank you so much.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And did you see the video of Donald Trump with Billy Bush?

Olya Povlatski: Oh, yeah. Colin, that was so hard to watch the video. A whole bus for just two people? It’s a waste.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And now with all the stuff, all the tension between US and Russia, there’s talk that there could be a nuclear war. Does that worry you?

Olya Povlatski: I’m not worried, Colin. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Everyday I do nuclear bomb drill. This is where I run into open field and  I scream, “Come to me, bomb. Blow me up. Send me back to hell.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright.

Olya Povlatski: That’s what I do.

Colin Jost: That’s what you do. What do you think about Russians hating– you know, Americans hating Russians right now?

Olya Povlatski: It’s nothing new, Colin. Okay? [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Look at your movies. We are always the villain. If you are in American movie and you have my accent, the only line you’ll ever get to say is this, “You have 24 hours.”

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I love that movie. It’s a great movie.

Olya Povlatski: You lucky you’re cute. But not all Russians are pure evil, okay? [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Some of us just like to chill, kick back, you know, sing hottest new song in Russia.

[singing] A little bit of Monica  by my side
A little bit of Monica on my right
A little bit of Monica on the roof
A little bit of Monica in the field

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s actually not how that song goes.

Olya Povlatski: No. Yes, it is. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] In Russian version, Monica has been torn to pieces by ravens. And there is bits of Monica everywhere. This song is called lucky Monica.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Lucky Monica. Okay. I gotta got to say. I can’t believe that life is actually that bad in Russia.

Olya Povlatski: You know what? You’re right. it’s not, Colin. There is good stuff in my life. I just got my first phone.

Colin Jost: Your first phone?

Olya Povlatski: Yes. It’s Samsung Galaxy 7.

Colin Jost: Oh! I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Samsung Galaxy, they’re being recalled because they’re actually exploding.

Olya Povlatski: Why do you think I sleep with it in my mouth, Colin?

Colin Jost: Olya Povlatski, everyone.

Short Film

Host… Alex Moffat

Emily Blunt

Vanessa Bayer

Andrew… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Host speaking on the stage]

Host: Hello. Welcome to the 16th Annual AnnArbor Short Film Festival. Um, so tonight we’ve got a really special one for you. I think you’re gonna love it. Also, stick around after the screening for a Q&A with the cast and crew. And now, without any further due, I present Qua.

[The movie starts]

[Emily is looking herself at the mirror. She looks sad.]

[Cut to Emily running from something. She falls and looks back. It turns out she is running away from herself.]

Emily: [scared] It’s me.

[Cut to Host clapping on the stage]

Host: Now, please help me welcome the cast and crew of Qua.

[Cut to the audience. All of them except one stands up and walk to the stage.]

Come on up, guys. Yeah, awesome. Very cool. Excellent. Yeah, congrats guys. Cool. Thank you all for being here. Alright. And um, I gotta say, truly stunning work. Okay, let’s just jump right in and get some audience questions.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience. There is a mic.]

Vanessa: Oh. I guess I’ll go. Um, good job everybody. Um, what was that all about?

[Cut to the stage. Andrew takes the mic.]

Andrew: Um, for me I guess it’s sort of about just the holocaust.

[Cecily takes the mic]

Cecily: Oh, yeah, sorry. Um, and just a piggy back off of what Andrew said, it’s also about like, “Yeah, why do we wear make up?”

[Beck takes the mic]

Beck: Yeah, right. But at the end of the day, it’s also comedy.

Host: Okay, great. Um, let’s take another question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Okay. Um, I’ll go again. Um, for the actress I guess, did you get to do any improv on set?

[Cut to the stage]

Emily: Oh. [she takes the mic] Yeah, that was a great question. There wasn’t a ton of improv coz you know, it was such a great script. But I did get to improv a few little things like, you know, the part where I said, “It’s me.” You know, that was improvised. And then you know that part where I was running and I fell down, that was also improvised. And then, the part where I was in the bathroom, that was all improv. But other than that, it was really, really scripted.

Host: Okay. Let’s take one more question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Dammit. Oh, um, what were some of your influences for this movie?

[Cut to the stage. Mikey gets the mic.]

Mikey: Um, I guess for me, I’d say Richard Linklater and Charlie Kaufman.

Beck: Yeah, for me I definitely say Charlie Kaufman and Richard Linklater. Yeah.

Kate: I guess for me it was sort of the combination of Richard Linklater and also Charlie Kaufman.

Aidy: And for me, it was the British Office.

Host: Okay. So, we have time for 10 to 15 more questions. Yes, miss.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: I guess, can you tell me about the music. And also, you don’t need to pass the mic if that will make this go faster.

Kenan: No, we don’t mind.

Emily: Um, this is actually a really cool story. The music was supposed to be an original song by Alicia Keys.

Host: Oh, that’s cool.

Emily: Yeah, yeah. But then, um, right before we started shooting we realized that none of us had Alicia’s email or anything. So, we couldn’t do that.

Host: Now, I gotta jump in here. Um, obviously there was a lot of symbolism in the movie.

All: Yeah.

Host: Does anyone have any questions about the symbolism? Um, yes you, putting on your coat and purse.

[Cut to Vanessa getting ready to leave]

Vanessa: Oh! Yes, um, can you talk about the number 3s that were all over the woods.

[Cut to the stage]

Kenan: [gets the mic] Thanks a lot. I’m sorry, what 3s?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: There were huge number 3s all over the woods in that woods scene?

[Cut to the stage. All the members are looking at each other’s faces confused.]

Kenan: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Host: Okay. We’re almost out of time. But real quick, why don’t we go down the line and just say what you’re working on now.

Aidy: Nothing.

Kenan: Nothing for me.

Kate: I’m doing some grocery shopping later today.

Mikey: Um, I’m doing nothing.

Beck: Nothing for me.

Cecily: Um, I’m going camping. Not this weekend but next.

Andrew: Um, I’m also doing nothing.

Emily: Um, I’m in ‘the Girl On the Train’ which is out in threatres right now.

Host: Oh, fun. Cool.

[The End]

Melanianad

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Emily Blunt

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Omarosa… Sasheer Zamata

Tiffany Trump… Vanessa Bayer

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with video clips of female friends and family members of Donald Trump thinking deep]

Melania: Here lies my last nerve, Donald. I’ve stood by your side this whole campaign, your beautiful, dutiful Melania. I can’t take it anymore. I am your wife.

Ivanka: Your daughter.

Kellyanne: Your mouth piece.

Omarosa: Your one black friend.

Tiffany: Your other daughter.

All: And you’re breaking us. Taking us for granted that we’ll always be there.

Melania: But one day soon, Donald, you may wake up and this bomb pussy bow blouse will be gone.

[music playing]

[Music video starts]

Melania: I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
Donald, na!

‘m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry

Kellyanne: Always screwing up (I’m not sorry)
expect me to clean it up (I’m not sorry)
said I’d stick with you unless (I’m not sorry)
I think we’ve gotten to unless (I’m not sorry)
Melania: Me and my ladies pack our Gucci up
we spilling tea with our pinkies up
fix your bald spot, I’ve had enough
tryna’ thinking about you
I’m done thinking about

All: Four fingers up, make them bend right
poke him in the face, tell him, “Boy, bye”
tell him, “Boy, bye” (you’re fired)

four fingers up, tired of thinking about you

Ivanka: Daddy once tweeted “Sorry”
I’m not even making music
I’m supposed to be the brain tear
what the hell have happen thinking?

Now he’s bringing Paula Jones in
there goes my friendship with Chelsea Clinton
I miss you Chelsea Clinton
Call me Chelsea

All: Tired of thinking about you
I’m done thinking about you

four fingers up
tired of thinking about you.

Tiffany: Hell na! I killed on that convention speech, no lie
but I’ll never be Ivanka in your eyes
I don’t give a damn, tonight I’m turning tables
don’t call me Tiffany Trump, I’m Tiff Maples

Omarosa: Leaving the resignation in the hall way
signed as Omarosa, there’s no last name
No last name
I ain’t f***n with no last name

Melania: Don’t take me wrong, I have a good life
but Donald don’t underestimate your wife
I got Eastern Europe mindset
I might forgive but I won’t forget
Donald baby, watch out (watch out)
me and my women’s about to walk out
I see Mike Pence in the corner
looking for the back door

Mike Pence: You only want me when I’m not there

All: Without us you wouldn’t be standing there

Melania: You just be that guy with that weed hair
you just be that guy with that weed hair

I wrote that all by myself.

Donald Trump: Come on Melania, ready? It’s the wedding. Let’s go. You look very nice. But let’s go.

Women: Yes. Okay.

[All the women start walking]

Donald Trump: Tiffany, you wait here.

Tiffany: Oh! Cool.

Hamster

Mom… Aidy Bryant

PJ… Kyle Mooney

Alice… Kate McKinnon

James… Beck Bennett

Emily Blunt

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Mom talking to PJ ]

Mom: Aw, honey. What’s going on, PJ? You’ve been staring at your hamster cage for gosh, an hour now.

PJ : Ever since we put in the new guys, the old ones are being really mean.

Mom: Um, okay. Well, the lady at Petco said that they might fight a little but that they’ll work it out.

PJ : I don’t know mom. It’s pretty bad.

[Cut to the hamsters]

Alice: He can’t get it up. Did he tell you that?

James: Hmm, you’re drunk. You’re a drunk hamster Alice. A drunk hamster.

Alice: How else could I survive living in this pathetic little cage with you?

James: Oh, you want a big cage, Alice? Go on. Go back to Harrow.

Alice: Oh, again with the damn guinea pig.

James: Um, he has a big cage. Isn’t that what you like, Alice? Big expensive things.

[Cut to Emily and Alex]

Emily: Oh my, it is getting late. I think we have to head on home.

Alex: Yes, thank you for the evening. We’ll see ourselves out.

Alice: Oh, no, no. But stay, dinner is almost ready.

James: Yeah, it’s almost burnt to a crisp.

Alice: It’s pallet roast, James. It’s refined.

Emily: You know, we actually have a toilet paper roll in home to finish. So we should…

Alex: Oh, yes. Thanks for the offer.

James: Hmm, I’d like to off her.

Alice: What was that coward?

James: I’d like to off you.

[Cut to PJ and his mom ]

PJ : I think we should get another cage.

Mom: Well, maybe you just need to feed them, right? Maybe they’re just hungry.

PJ : I don’t know. It still feels really tense.

[PJ  puts in some food for the hamsters.]

[Cut to the hamsters eating.]

Emily: Um, James, so what do you do for work?

James: Well, I used to be in sales but now I’m mostly working on pulling in that sock from the side of the cage.

[Cut to a sock stuck at the cage]

Emily: Oh, that’s fascinating. How wonderful–

Alice: [mocking] Oh, that’s fascinating, is it? Ha-ha! What I wouldn’t give these 12 weeks olds again. Just a wide eyed easily impressed little floosy.

Alex: Now, wait a minute.

James: Oh, that’s enough.

Alice: Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot we’re all lying to ourselves tonight.

Emily: Alice, please. We’re all neighbors. I thought we might as well get to know each other.

Alice: Oh, you would like to get to know my husband, wouldn’t you Ms. Fluffy? Can’t keep your lies off his tail.

James: Not everyone is as sick as you, Alice.

Alice: Oh! I’m sick?

James: You’re sick.

Alice: How am I sick?

James: Oh, you want me to tell you how you’re sick?

Alice: Tell me. Tell me how I am sick.

James: Oh, you’re sick coz you’re scared. You’re always running. Running on that wheel. Trying to run away from something but you can’t run away from yourself, Alice. It eats you up inside.

[Alice claps]

Alice: I had no idea you were a poet, James. Here I thought you were just a choir.

[Cut to PJ and his mom ]

Mom: Okay, you know what PJ? I think you might be right.

PJ : I told you. That older one keeps playing mind games with our new.

Mom: I know. They’re just– they’re going in circles and I can’t take it.

PJ : We have to put a stop to this. Or they will.

Mom: Alright, I’ll get a bucket.

[Cut to the hamsters]

Alice: Go ahead. Hit me.

James: You want me to hit you?

Alice: Oh, go on and hit me.

James: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Alice: Oh, I’m not a man. Hit me.

James: Oh, get nice black eye to show your friends?

Alice: He doesn’t have the tail to hit me.

[James hits Alice]

Ou! That wasn’t so hard, was it?

James: Your’e a poison. You’re toxic. You’re sick.

Emily: Stop it. Stop it. Listen to yourselves. So much hatred. We have a short time on this earth before we’re buried in a New Balance shoe box. Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company?

James: She ate our babies, you know? All eight of them.

Alice: I was hungry.

[Cut to PJ and his mom . Mom is holding a bucket]

Mom: Okay, let’s get those newer guys out of there.

PJ : Oh, silence mother. What do you know about pets?

Mom: Okay. These are all going back and you can have a dog.

PJ : Awesome, baby!

Drive-Through Window

Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

Michael Tangelo… Kenan Thompson

Linda Tomorrow…Emily Blunt

Randy Candy… Bobby Moynihan

Melissa Villaseńor

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Real Jeff… Beck Bennett

Pam… Aidy Bryant

Bruno Mars

[Starts with Pete waiting for the customer in Burger King]

Pete: Welcome to Burger King. Pull around and order at the first window, please.

[Mikey comes through in his pink limo and opens the window. He is wearing green suit.]

Mikey: Wad up?

Pete: Oh! Um, hey. Would you like to try the snickers pie today?

Mikey: Dude, I got a pink Hummer limo filled with party people. Only thing is, we got some empty tummies.

Pete: Okay. Um, how many people are in there?

Mikey: No way to tell, my man! We all just came from an art installation party hosted by our friend Otto the Question. So, let’s start with, um, 20 whoppers.

Pete: Okay. You want whoppers or angry whoppers?

Mikey: Hmm, that is a question for Michael Tangelo. One love.

[Mikey closes his window and moves the limo forward. The second widow opens.]

Michael Tangelo: Wad up?

Pete: Hey. Do you know what you want?

Michael Tangelo: Um, first, good evening. I am Michael Tangelo. Part of the House of Terrific and Artist Collective. Now, what’s this I hear about an angry whopper?

Pete: Um, it’s like a whopper but it’s spicy. It’s got onions rings in it.

Michael Tangelo: In it? So it’s an entrée that ate it’s own side dish? Hmm. I’m gonna let Linda Tomorrow weigh in on this.

Pete: Who?

Michael Tangelo: Bye, bye.

[Michael Tangelo closes the window. The limo moves forward. The third window opens.]

Linda Tomorrow: Wad up?

Pete: You’re Linda Tomorrow?

Linda Tomorrow: Who’s asking?

Pete: Well, what do you want to eat?

Linda Tomorrow: Ah, yes. I haven’t slum with the normal in so long. I’ll have a burger. Funky style. And make it a magnum XL. Fries, size nine. And a diet mountain don’t size 10.

Pete: Um, well, we just have three sizes ma’am. Small, medium and large.

Linda Tomorrow: A what now and who there?

Pete: Is medium okay?

Linda Tomorrow: Never mind. Just talk to Randy Candy. Good bye.

[Linda Tomorrow closes the window. The limo moves forward. The 4th window opens. The music is playing inside the limo.]

Randy Candy: Wad up?

Pete: Are you Randy Candy?

Randy Candy: [squeaky voice] Um-hmm. I pet a whimsy and this part of the car is feeling some chicken fries.

Pete: Okay. Um, do you want regular chicken fries or like, the Cheetos chicken fries?

Randy Candy: I’m sorry, what’s the difference?

Pete: Um, the Cheetos chicken fries are covered in Cheeto coating.

Randy Candy: This news will throw this car into chaos. How could you?

[Randy Candy closes the window]

[Melissa walks to Pete]

Melissa: What is going on? Have these people ordered yet?

Pete: Um, kind of.

Melissa: What did they order?

Pete: Um, this one lady ordered like a mega-funky burger.

Melissa: We don’t have that.

Pete: Look, I’m trying. I just need to talk to like, one normal person. Sorry.

[Melissa walks away. The 5th window of the limo opens.]

[Kate and Cecily look the same]

Kate and Cecily: Wad up?

Pete: God! Sorry, crazy. Um, are you guys ready to order?

Cecily: Absolutely. We want three food.

Kate: Like, four food. And savory?

Cecily: Let’s be bad. Why not?

Kate: Four food and a nibble.

Pete: Yeah, but like, what food?

Cecily: The only one who can answer this is real Jeff. Bye.

[They close the window. The limo moves forward. 6th window opens. Real Jeff is sitting with his puppet.]

Real Jeff: Wad up? Give us 20 whoppers and 20 chicken fries.

Pete: Ah! Thank you, dude. Finally. Alright, that’s $hundredfortytwo.eighteen. How would you like to pay?

Real Jeff: Oh, I don’t pay. That’s Pam’s department. Peace.

[Real Jeff closes the window. The limo moves forward. the 7th door opens. Pam is sitting and someone is massaging her shoulder.]

Pam: Wad up?

Pete: Hey, are you Pam?

Pam: Um, yes sir. I am Pam and I fund this.

Pete: Okay, well it’s $142.18.

Pam: Okay, great, so can you split it on 26 credit cards?

Pete: No, I can’t.

Pam: Okay. Well then, maybe my boyfriend has some cash.

[Pam’s boyfriend is Bruno Mars who shows his face now]

Bruno Mars: Wad up?

Pete: Bruno Mars? What the hell is going on there? You hang with these people?

Bruno Mars: No, they hang with me. You should join us, man.

Pete: Ah! I’m sorry, man! I’m working.

Bruno Mars: It didn’t stop your friend.

[Melissa shows her face inside the window]

Melissa: Oh! Wad up?

Pete: You know what? I’m in.

Bruno Mars: Ay, make some room, Randy Candy!

Pete: I hate Randy Candy!

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Town Hall Debate Cold Open

Martha Raddatz… Cecily Strong

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Patrice Brock… Leslie Jones

Ken Karpawoods… Beck Bennett

James Carter… Michael Che

Ken Bone… Bobby Moynihan

Carl Becker… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper in their set]

Martha Raddatz: Hello and welcome to the second and worst ever presidential debate. I’m Martha Raddatz.

Anderson Cooper: And I’m Anderson Cooper. And before we begin, we just need to do one last thing.

[Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper takes a shot of tequila.]

Martha Raddatz: Ah, much better. Now let’s get this nightmare started. Please help us welcome the candidates. Republican nominee Donald Trump and can we say this yet?

Anderson Cooper: Probably fine.

Martha Raddatz: President Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to the stage. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk in to their chairs.]

[cheers and applause]

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk to the middle and then start staring at each other and walking around.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Okay, thank you both for being here.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you for having me. I’d like to begin tonight by attempting a casual lean. [Hillary Clinton leans on the chair that she’s supposed to sit on] Got it!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, tonight I’m going to do three things. I’m going to huff. I’m going to puff. And I’m going to blow this whole thing.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Now, tonight’s debate is a town hall which means we’ll be taking questions from voters in the audience. They are undecided, uncommitted and not remotely camera ready.

Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. Your question comes from Patrice Brock.

[Cut to Patrice Brock in the audience]

Patrice: Hello. My question is do you feel that you’re modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, Patrice. Let me start by walking over to you just as I practiced. [walking near Patrice] Right, left, right, left. Speak. Now, Patrice, you’re a teacher?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You have kids?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You like kids?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You’ve seen kids?

Patrice: Yeah.

Hillary Clinton: Okay, great. We’re bonding already. Oh, my friend Patrice. Patrice, I strive to be a positive role model for all children. Children like my daughter Chelsea and my granddaughter Chelsea Jr.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, same question. Do you feel like your’e modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. Next.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: So, you don’t care about the kids?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, I love the kids. I love them so much I’d marry them. I’ve been helping kids my whole life and in 1992 I helped a kid named Kevin McCallister to find the hotel lobby. You might remember the documentary Home Alone II: Lost in New York.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Okay. Moving on, Mr. Trump, we received a lot of questions online about the audio tape that was released last week bragging about sexually assaulting women.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, what I said is nothing compared to what Bill Clinton has done, okay? He has abused women and Martha, Anderson, hold on to your nips and your nuts because four of those women are here tonight. Four of them.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Wait, I’m sorry, who’s here? [sobbing and mocking] Mistresses? Bill, how could you? I would like to water the debate, now I’ll never be able to remember my facts and figures now. Oh, Donald, no! Get real. I’m made of steal. This is nothing. Hi girls.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, she is trying to silence these women but they need to be respected. They need their voices heard.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: What about the all the women accusing you of sexual assault?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: They need to shut the hell up.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Alright, let’s move on. Our next question is from Ken Karpawoods.

[Cut to Ken Karpawoods in the audience]

Ken: Thank you, I’ve got the boring one. The affordable care act is not affordable. What will you do to bring the cost down and make coverage better?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Ken, that’s a great question. I agree that Obamacare can be improved Ken, but it does have it’s benefits. [Donald Trump walks behind Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know it.] Number one, insurance companies can’t deny your coverages because of preexisting condition. [Donald Trump slowly walks near Hillary Clinton as she speaks] Number two, no lifetime limits which, you know, is a big deal if you have serious health problem. And number three– [Donald Trump runs behind Hillary Clinton and gets back to his place. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know about it.] Sorry, I thought I– And number three, women can’t be charged– [Donald Trump pass walks behind Hillary Clinton again. Hillary Clinton is looking around having no idea what’s going on.] Thought I– Women can’t be charged more than men for health insurance. Okay? And number four–

[Donald Trump jumps in and shouts at the mic. Hillary Clinton gets scared.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Okay, let’s take another question. This one comes from James Carter.

[Cut to James Carter in the audience.]

James: Good evening, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, no!

[Cut to James]

James: My question is do you believe you can be a devoted president to all the people?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That is a great question, Denzel. Thank you for this question about the inner cities.

[Cut to James]

James: My name is James and I didn’t ask anything about no inner cities.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: The inner cities are a mess, okay? Just last month I was in Detroit and everywhere I looked, there were violent, crazy people and lot of them had guns. And they were screaming horrible things like, “Trump for president.”

[Cut to James]

James: I think you were at one of your own rallies.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, this black man is attacking me. Also, speaking of black men, you know who else should be in jail? Hillary Clinton. She has committed so many crimes, she is basically a black.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton? Do you wish to respond to that?

[cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No, cool. Because as my best friend Michelle Obama once said, when they go low, you go high. God, I love that quote. Almost as memorable as when I said, “Trumped up trickled down economy.” Just a couple of equally famous quotes from a couple of equally lovable women.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Alright, and now since everyone has been so good, it’s time for a special treat.

Anderson Cooper: That’s right. Ladies and gentlemen, [drums rolling] put your hands together for the one and only, Mr. Ken Bone.

[Cut to Ken Bone]

[cheers and applause]

Ken Bone: You all ready for this?

[music starts playing and Ken Bone starts dancing.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Oh my god, he is so cute.

Anderson Cooper: I really needed that right now.

Martha Raddatz: No, wait. Ken, you’re not gonna turn out to be a weird little creep or anything are you?

[Cut to Ken Bone]

Ken Bone: Maybe.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: God! We can’t have anything nice.

Anderson Cooper: Oh well. Well, we have time for one final question and it comes from Carl Becker.

[Cut to Carl Becker in the audience]

Carl: Good evening. My question is for Hillary. Tonight Donald Trump said you should be in jail. He said you have hate in your heart and he followed you around the stage like a shark. So my question is, what do you like about him?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, this one’s actually easy. Donald Trump and I disagree on almost everything but I do like how generous he is. Just last Friday, he handed me this election.

[Hillary Clinton starts showing some dance moves]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, one thing you like about Secretary Clinton?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like that she’s a fighter and that she doesn’t give up. Which is why I need all my supporters to get out there and vote on election day, mark your calendars, write it down. Here is the day, it’s November 35th.

[Hillary Clinton jumps in.]

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Wells Fargo Wagon

Winthrop… Kyle Mooney

Mason… Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Mikey Day

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Sally… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

[Starts with The Music Man intro]

Announcer: You’re watching The Music Man on Turner Classis Movies. So either you’re an old woman or a young gay man.

[Cut to Winthrop running to Mason and Aidy]

Winthrop: Mason! Mason!

Mason: Why, hello there Winthrop.

Winthrop: [speaking while spitting everywhere] When do you think us kids are going to receive our musical instruments?

Aidy: Oh, I guess Winthrop still working on that lisp.

[Cut to Winthrop getting angry]

Winthrop: Say it to my face, bitch!

Mason: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Cut to all] Okay, easy Winthrop. I think everyone’s just a little excited about these instruments. [bell ringing] Oh, and listen that could be them arriving right now.

[Cut to Cecily dancing and singing]

Cecily: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

[Cut to Kenan and Sasheer walking in]

Kenan: Oh, please let it be for me

Sasheer: Oh, oh, oh, Well’s Fargo Wagon is coming down the street 

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I wish, I wish I knew what it could be

[Kate walks in]

Kate: I got a box of sugar on my birthday

Aidy: In March I got a grey macintos 

[Cut to 8, Kenan and Sasheer]

Mikey: And once I got some great fruits from Tampa

All: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

Oh please let it be for me

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone who is no relation

[Cut to all]

All: Or it could be something very, very special now just for me

[The wagon arrives and everyone is excited.]

Lin-Manuel: Well, hello River city.

Winthrop: Our instruments.

Sally: Do you have my clarinet?

Pete: Yeah, what about my flute or whatever?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Wells Fargo’s got something even better than instruments. They’re called bank accounts. And I’m giving everyone at least three of them.

Pete: Yeah! Wait, what?

Lin-Manuel: That’s right. Everyone gets a bank account. What’s your name son?

Winthrop: Winthrop.

Lin-Manuel: Okay, what’s your name?

Sally: Sally.

Lin-Manuel: I’ve got an accounted for you, Sally. And for your dog.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: Um, sir, I don’t think these children or their dogs need bank accounts.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Oh, sure they do. In fact this whole town needs bank account. Like you sir, and you ma’am, and this skinny gentleman over here.

[He’s pointing at the mailbox]

Kate: That’s a mailbox!

[Cut to the children and Lin-Manuel]

Pete: Why are you doing this, sir?

Lin-Manuel: Do you know what a code is kid? A code is a target I need to hit or I’m a dead man. So, what do you say? Do you want to kill me? Or do you want to shut up and get a credit card?

[Cut to the children]

Winthrop: But sir, you’re threatening customers. Isn’t that fraud?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Is it little frog? No, it’s a credit card.

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: I said fraud. I think you heard me say frog.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel looking around]

Lin-Manuel: Everybody hates this kid, right?

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I think the boy is right.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Yes, if Wells Fargo keeps doing this, they’re going to get in trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble with the camp–

[Lin-Manuel slaps Kenan]

Lin-Manuel: Can you shut the hell up? You don’t understand the pressure I’m in. These Wells Fargo are jackals. As the matter of fact, they took my daughter.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: No, they didn’t.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Okay, you got me. Sales technique. But come on. You got to help me out on this. If I have to face my boss tomorrow with nothing, I shall poopie my pants.

[Winthrop approaches Lin-Manuel]

Winthrop: Hey, Mr., I’ll take one bank account please.

Lin-Manuel: Wow, I was all wrong about you kid. You’re a real pal. That’s why I’m also gonna give you something called an exploding mortgage. That sounds pretty cool, huh?

Winthrop: It sure does. [spitting on Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: You gotta learn how to talk man. I’m like, drenched.

[music playing]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone with no relation

Lin-Manuel: Or it could be…

All: Yes, it could be, yes you’re right, it sure could be

Lin-Manuel: Oh, and on the way in I ran over three kids.

All: Just for me.

Winthrop: Wells Fargo, sorry.

Vice Presidential Debate Cold Open

Elaine Quijano… Melissa Villaseñor

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Tim Kaine… Mikey Day

Brooke Baldwin… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Vice Presidential Debate intro]

Narrator: The following is an encore presentation of Tuesday night’s Vice Presidential Debate.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano in her set]

[cheers and applause]

Elaine Quijano: Good evening from Longwood University and welcome to the first and only Vice Presidential debate. I’m the new Hispanic cast member and tonight, I’ll be playing asian moderator Elaine Quijano because, baby steps. Now please, help me welcome America’s dad, senator Tim Kaine, and America’s stepdad governor Mike Pence.

[Mike Pence and Tim Kaine get in to the debate and shake their hands.]

[cheers and applause]

Mike Pence: Good evening.

Tim Kaine: Ola, Elaine.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano. She is getting angry.]

Elaine Quijano: Hello. I’d like to thank you both for being here, and also say that you look exactly like before and after Rogan ad.

[Cut to split screen with Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.]

Mike Pence: We know.

Tim Kaine: We know.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano

Elaine Quijano: Our first question tonight is about foreign policy. What are your plans to combat terrorism at home and abroad? Senator Kaine, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to split screen with Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.]

Tim Kaine: Awesome, Elaine. I have an awesome answer for this and here it is. Donald Trump has called Mexicans rapists and he’s called women pigs and slobs.

Mike Pence: No, no. That’s not true.

Tim Kaine: Yes, it is, Elaine!

Mike Pence: No, it’s not. Those are lies. Donald Trump loves women. He respects women. He has never said a single bad thing about women. And I dare you to show me a single shred of evidence that proves otherwise.

[Cut to CNN Breaking News intro]

Announcer: This is a CNN Breaking News alert.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin in her news set.]

Brooke Baldwin: Well, looks like Donald Trump finally got what he wanted, a working microphone. Newly leaked audio shows Donald Trump and Billy Bush making lewd comments about women on an access Hollywood bus in 2005. Here to address this breaking scandal is Donald Trump himself.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Are you not entertained?

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump]

Brooke Baldwin: Alright. Mr. Trump, this leaked audio showed you saying– you know, I can’t quite say it on live television. [hesitating to speak] But basically you said you wanted to– to–

Donald Trump: Grab them by the pussy.

Brooke Baldwin: Oh my god.

Donald Trump: And I would like to take this time to formally apple-lagize.

Brooke Baldwin: What? What are you saying?

Donald Trump: I deeply apple-lagize.

Brooke Baldwin: Are you trying to say apologize?

Donald Trump: No, I would never do that. [Cut to Donald Trump] What I am doing is apple-lagizing to all the people who are offended by my statements. But more importantly to the people who were turned on by them. I hear it’s really 50-50.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Um, okay. But Mr. Trump, why would you say these horrible things in the first place?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Come on, Brooke, I was trying to look cool. I mean, what normal red blooded American doesn’t wanna impress the Billy Bush? Also, P.S., you have to admit it’s kind of funny that the only Bush who matters in this general election is Billy.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump]

Brooke Baldwin: But doesn’t really excuse what you said.

Donald Trump: Listen, okay, this was way back in 2005. It was 11 years ago. Back when I was just a young childish 59year old man.

Brooke Baldwin: Um, okay. Now, Mr. Trump, many republicans have stood by you through a lot of other scandals but are now polling their support. People like senator John McCain.

Donald Trump: Coward.

Brooke Baldwin: Carly Fiorina.

Donald Trump: She’s a four.

Brooke Baldwin: And Idaho’s senator Mike Crapo.

Donald Trump: More like crap-o.

Brooke Baldwin: Okay. But you must admit this is bad for you.

Donald Trump: The only person I need is my running mate Mike Pence. I love Mike Pence. I respect Pence. I’ll always have Pence.

Brooke Baldwin: Well actually, today he said he can’t condone your remarks and then he cancelled his campaign events.

Donald Trump: Mike Pence is a loser. I hate his guts. I call him puny Pence.

Brooke Baldwin: Alright. Now, these comments have specifically offended women. What would you say to women voters watching this right now?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I would say this. Listen women, if you give me a chance I promise I can do a whole lot more than just grab it. I can also bop it, twist it and pull it.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Brooke Baldwin is disgusted.]

Brooke, I’m tired of talking about me, okay? We need to move forward and focus on the serious issues. I’d like to say my condolences and prayers to everyone affected by Hurricane Matthew. I love people in Florida and I hope that they stay safe. I love the people in Florida. I hope they stay safe.

Brooke Baldwin: Wow, that was actually a very nice thing to say, Mr. Trump. Um, thank you for being here.

Donald Trump: Thank you for having me.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, that was republican nominee Donald Trump. Joining us now to discuss more on this–

Donald Trump: Yeah, let me tell you something okay?

[Brooke Baldwin looking around]

Brooke Baldwin: What is that?

Donald Trump: I wish I was that hurricane [Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Donald Trump doesn’t know he is still on air and is speaking to someone.] tearing through all of that hot Miami pussy. Oh yeah. I would just destroy it.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump, we can still hear you.

[Donald Trump looks at the camera]

Donald Trump: Really? Then I apple-logize.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, we now go live to Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters where they’ve just received news of the leak.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and her colleagues dancing and partying]

Hillary Clinton: [dancing] I’m sorry Brooke, I’m sorry I didn’t see you. We were so busy preparing for the debate tomorrow. I am studying so hard, I am really nervous for this one.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton pops a champagne bottle and drinks from the bottle.]

Brooke Baldwin: Secretary Clinton, what do you think about this leaked audio? I mean you must have had a hard time listening to it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, I did. [looks at her colleagues] Take five, kids. [Her colleagues leave] Um, I did Brooke. It was incredibly disturbing. And when I heard it, I was deeply saddened. [smiling] It made me feel just horrible and very depressed. I’m sorry Brooke. I mean, it is a very, very sad day for our country and for all women, minus one. [winks]

Brooke Baldwin: I have to say, Mrs. Clinton, you seem pretty excited by this leak.

Hillary Clinton: Well, you know, it’s my reward Brooke, for every single thing I’ve been through in the last 30 years. White water, Benghazi, Mary J. Blige singing into my face for a full hour last week.

Brooke Baldwin: Now, since Mr. Trump’s comments were so bad.

Hillary Clinton: So, so bad. Just horrible. Horrible.

Brooke Baldwin: Do you think he should drop out?

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no. Give him a shot. He deserves that. But I would like to all of the women out there who heard Trump’s comments and are still voting for him. [joining her hands] My babies, your brain broke. I love you but this, you’re cray!

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, Mrs. Clinton. Thank you for your time. Thank you everyone at home for joining us. We’ll keep you posted.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. Let me tell you something.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Once again Donald Trump doesn’t know he’s on air.]

He’s a loser. He’s a huge, huge loser.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: I mean, can you believe Ted Cruz endorsed me? Do you see that sad little video of him making calls for me? Talk about a pussy that I left to grab by the throat.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump, your microphone is still on.

[Donald Trump looks at the camera]

Donald Trump: What? It is? Then I would like to tell Ted Cruz in all sincerity, I stand by with that what I said. You’re a huge loser.  And also, live from New York it’s Saturday night.

Stranger Things

Ross Duffer… Mikey Day

Matt Duffer… Alex Moffat

Mike… Kyle Mooney

Dustin… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Lucas… Sasheer Zamata

Mom… Leslie Jones

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Will’s mom… Melissa Villaseńor

Eleven… Kate McKinnon

Jim Hopper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Netflix: Behind The Scenes intro]

[Cut to Ross Duffer and Matt Duffer in their set]

Ross Duffer: Hi, we’re the Duffer brothers. Our show ‘Stranger Things’ was the show of the summer.

Matt Duffer: In next season, we’re solving some of the first season’s biggest mysteries.

Ross Duffer: Like, where is the upside down?

Matt Duffer: Is Barb coming back?

Ross Duffer: And where is that black kid’s family?

Matt Duffer: Yeah.

Ross Duffer: Yeah.

Matt Duffer: It was a little overside on our part.

Ross Duffer: Oops.

Matt Duffer: So to knit this one into the bug before the blogs come after us…

Ross Duffer: Here is a sneak peak at Stranger Things season two.

Matt Duffer: Whooo!

[Cut to Stranger Things video bumper]

[Cut to Mike, Dustin and Lucas on their bikes.]

Mike: Come on guys, this is the way to the upside down.

Dustin: Are you sure about this?

Mike: I don’t know. We gotta find Will.

Lucas: Yeah, Dustin, you’re such a baby.

Dustin: I’m not a baby. I’m just scared the monsters are gonna eat us.

Lucas: Whatever, I’m not scared of anything.

Woman’s voice: Lucas!

Lucas: Oh no. Oh god! It’s my parents.

[Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad walk in]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas! Where the hell have you been? We haven’t seen you in days.

Lucas’s dad: What makes you think you can be out this late? Kids in this town are getting snatched up by kidnappers.

[cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But it’s not kidnappers.

Mike: Yeah, it’s the demigorgan.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: A demi what?

Mike: It’s a monster and we’re looking for it.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas, I told you not to hang out with these little white kids.

Lucas: But we have to find the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: The what?

Lucas: It’s like the normal world but it’s scarier. And there’s danger at every turn.

Lucas’s mom: Baby, people who look like us already live in the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: Let me put it to you this way Lucas. You don’t have to go looking for scary stuff. It’s gonna find you.

Lucas: But Will’s in the upside down.

Lucas’s mom: Boy, I will beat your upside down.

Lucas: Okay. Yep, good point. Um, sorry guys. I’ve gotta go.

[Cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But Lucas?

Lucas’s mom: But nothing. You need to go home too. There needs to be a grown up with y’all.

Dustin: There is an adult, Will’s mom.

[Cut to Will’s mom, Mike and Dustin. Will’s mom is shaking and crying]

Will’s mom: [sobbing] It’s just that I– I wish I could– the lights. Oh, I don’t even know where I’m even supposed to start.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad looking worried]

Lucas’s dad: Oh, na, this lady has lost her damn mind. Come on here Lucas. We’re taking you home.

[as Lucas’s dad is trying to hold Lucas, his hand is stopped]

[weird sound]

What happened?

[Cut to Eleven standing beside Mike and Dustin]

Mike and Dustin: Eleven!

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Man, who is this little creepy wood dude.

Lucas: Mom, she’s a girl. She has special powers and her name is Eleven.

[Cut to Eleven. Her nose is bleeding.]

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Okay Eleven, I’m going to count to three and if you don’t let my husband go, I’m gonna take these five fingers across your scary ass. One… two…

[Eleven lets Lucas’s dad go.]

Mike: What happened? Did you lose your power?

Eleven: No, she really scared me.

[Jim Hopper walks in his police dress]

Jim: Oh, there you guys are.

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad. They are scared of Jim.]

Lucas’s dad: [shouting] Oh! Monster!

Lucas: Mom, dad, you don’t have to be scared. This is the police chief.

Lucas’s dad: We know.

[Cut to Dustin]

Dustin: It’s okay. He’s on our side.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Yeah, these are some of my [looking at Eleven] closest friends.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: I don’t like the way that sounds.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Anyway, I’m glad I found you. El, here’s your frozen eggos.

[Eleven eats eggos wildly]

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: Okay, let’s go. These white people crazy.

[Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad leave]

[Cut to Stranger Things video bumper]