Tag: Kate McKinnon

A Day Off with Kellyanne Conway

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Jake … Beck Bennett

[Starts with “A Day Off with Kellyanne Conway” video bumper]

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway waking up in her bed. Subtitle reading “Starring Trump Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway”]

[Kellyanne Conway looks at the calendar showing ‘day off’ and she gets excited]

[Kellyanne Conway is getting down the stairs dancing]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Kellyanne Conway looks at the phone and gets upset]

[Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper]

[Cut to Jake in his news set]

Jake: Breaking news. Donald Trump has tweeted yet again that Hillary Clinton cheated on her husband. [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway] Kellyanne, how do you defend this tweet?

Kellyanne Conway: Jake, that’s unfair coz what Mr. Trump was getting at here, it clearly is not that Hillary cheated on Bill, but that she has been cheating the American people for decades.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But that’s not what the tweet said.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: I think if you really look at it, if you read the whole tweet, that is what it said.

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]

Jake: Okay, well thank you for coming in on your day off.

Kellyanne Conway: Of course.

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway running at the park]

[Kellyanne Conway meets her friends and is doing yoga]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone rings and she leaves]

[Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay Jake, so this tweet is actually taken out of context. Of course Mr. Trump thinks that Mexicans can read [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Jake is looking very sleepy] and actually what he wants them to read the most is Hillary Clinton’s 33,000 missing emails.

Jake: Okay, Kellyanne.

Kellyanne Conway: We good?

Jake: Sure.

[music playing]

[Kellyanne Conway is painting and dancing in her lawn]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, this one is simple, Jake. Mr. Trump did the deaf voice at his rally this morning so that deaf people could hear him too.

[Cut to Jake. He can’t believe what Kellyanne Conway just said.]

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway reading a magazine in her house.]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, so, yeah. Mr. Trump did challenge Obama to a penis off and if the president will simply produce his penis, we could get back to talking about what’s really important, which is jobs.

[Kellyanne Conway just leaves]

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway buying her groceries]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway is carrying her groceries.]

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, he did say that it is gross to watch gay people eat pasta because he wants them to eat healthy food.

Jake: But why even say that, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: Jake, I have to put this ice cream in the freezer. Sorry.

Jake: Yeah, yeah.

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway skating at the park]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway walks in with the skating helmet on.]

Kellyanne Conway: Of course black people don’t have one less toe than white people.

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway having her facial done.]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Of course, children are not just shrunken down humans.

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway enjoying bubble bath and some wine with her husband]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway has wet hair and is wearing bathrobe.}

Kellyanne Conway: Of course Donald did not hold up a little cup of his own semen at a rally and say, “This becomes a person? No way!”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But he did say that. There’s tape.

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway.]

Kellyanne Conway: What do you want me say? Yes, he said that. He’s crazy.

Jake: Great.

Kellyanne Conway: He’s the worst person I’ve ever known.

Jake: Yes.

Kellyanne Conway: What do you want?

Jake: That’s what I want. Alright, well, thank you, Kellyanne Conway. Thank you for being here.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you for having us.

Jake: Us? Who’s us?

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and her husband. He is also half naked and is covered with bubbles.]

Kellyanne’s husband: Hi, Jake.

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway and her husband.]

Jake: Kellyanne!

Kellyanne Conway: What? It’s my day off.

[Ends with “A Day Off” with Kellyanne Conway outro]

Presidential Debate Cold Open

Lester Hold… Michael Che

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Lester Holt in his set]

Lester Holt: Good evening. From Hofstra University, I’m Lester Holt. [cheers and applause] And welcome to the first presidential debate. A quick reminder to our audience, there is no cheering, no clapping, and to the Trump supporters, no shirt, no shoes, no service. Now let’s bring out the candidates. First, she has been battling pneumonia and we hope she’s feeling better tonight. It’s secretary Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking in to her podium with support of cane.]

[cheers and applause]

[Hillary Clinton leaves her cane and rolls over her body]

Hillary Clinton: I’m better than ever. Let’s do this.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: And finally, he’s the man to blame for the bottom half of all his kid’s faces, it’s republican nominee Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in to his podium]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Donald Trump: Good evening, America. I am going to be so good tonight. I am going to be so calm and so presidential that all of you watching are going to cream your jeans.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, let’s begin with you. Why are you a better choice than your opponent to create jobs and put money into the pockets of American workers?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, let’s– My opponent’s tax plan benefits the top Lester Holt% so much, it’s not just trickled down economics. It’s– I don’t know. I guess if I had to call up something off the top of the old dome with no prep, whatsoever, I don’t know. I guess I call it ‘Trumped up trickled down economics’.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: That’s very catchy, secretary. You just came up with that just now?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I did. Right off the stiff red cuff. [raising her hand. She is wearing a red suit.]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: Hey, Jazz man. I’ve got a very presidential answer for this. Our jobs are fleeing this country. They’re going to Mexico, they’re going to Gina (mocking China), I will stop that. If Hillary knew how, she would have done it already, period, end of story. I won the debate. I stayed calm just like I promised. And it is over. Goodnight Hofstra.

[Donald Trump turns around and walks away]

Lester Holt: Donald! [Cut to Lester Holt] Donald. There is still 88 minutes left. It’s a 90 minute debate.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his podium]

Speaker Donald Trump: My microphone is broken. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] She broke it with Obama. She and Obama stole my microphone. They took it to Kenya. They took my microphone to Kenya and they broke it and now it’s broken. [Donald Trump is sniffing] Can you hear that? It’s picking up somebody sniffing here. I think it’s her sniffs. She’s been sniffing all night. Testing. Testing. Gina. Gina. Huge Gina.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, what do you think about that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I think I’m gonna be president.

[audience whooping]

I mean, this man is clearly unfit to be Commander in Chief.

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: He is a bully.

Speaker Donald Trump: Shut up.

Hillary Clinton: He started the birth removement.

Speaker Donald Trump: You did.

Hillary Clinton: He says climate change is a hoax invented by China.

Speaker Donald Trump: It’s pronounced Gina!

Hillary Clinton: He hasn’t released his tax returns which means he’s either not that rich–

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: Not that charitable–

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: Or he has never paid taxes in his life.

Speaker Donald Trump: Warmer.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Let’s move on to national security. Mr. Trump, you’ve criticized Secretary Clinton for voting for the Iraq war, but you yourself supported the war–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You’re being very mean to me tonight, caltrain. Very mean to me. I was against the war. Ask anyone in the world named Sean Hannity. I told Sean Hannity. Call Sean Hannity.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: You told Sean Hannity on his show and that’s a proof?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: No, I told him in private. It was just me and Sean, late at night. I leaned over and I whispered in his ear, “Sean, I’m against the war in Iraq.” And then he whispered in my ear, “I am against the war too.” And the next thing I knew I was kissing Sean Hannity.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Moving right past that, the Iraq war is all about judgement. Secretary Clinton, do you think you have better judgement than Mr. Trump?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Yes, yes. Of course I do. Donald Trump has terrible judgement. He makes bad decisions. He spent his life cheating middle class labors. Laborers like my own human father who made, I guess drapes or printed drapes, or sold drapes, or um… something drapes and he was relatable and I am also relatable.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, same question. Why is your judgement better than Secretary Clinton?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: Because it is. I have the best judgement and the best temperament. She’s the one with the bad temperament. She’s always screaming. She’s constantly lying. Her hair is crazy. Her face is completely orange except around the eyes where it’s white. And when she stops talking, her mouth looks like a tiny little butt-hole.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, you have two minutes to respond.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, that’s okay. He can have mine too.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Okay. Mr. Trump, two more minutes.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: The thing about the blacks is that they’re killing each other.

[Cut to Lester Holt. He is shaking his head.]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

All the blacks live on one street in Chicago, all on one street. I just read that this morning. It’s called ‘Hell Street’. And they run Hell Street and they’re all just killing each other. Just like I am killing this debate.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, did you have a response?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. She looks very happy.]

Hillary Clinton: Um… Not a response, more of a request. Can America vote right now?

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Well, this has been an illuminating debate. But now it’s time for our final–

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Alicia Machado.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: I’m sorry. What was that? Who is Alicia Machado?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you for bring that up Lester. She is a strong, beautiful, political prop that I almost forgot to mention tonight, even though we already made a wet video about her. Alicia Machado was Miss Universe in 1996.

Speaker Donald Trump: Where did you find this?

Hillary Clinton: And Donald Trump called her ‘Miss Piggy’.

Speaker Donald Trump: No. How do you know this?

Hillary Clinton: And ‘Miss Housekeeping’.

Speaker Donald Trump: That’s pretty funny.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, your response?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: Lester, why are we talking about this woman? We should be talking about the important issues like Rosie O’Donnell and how she’s a fat loser and everyone agrees with me. And I just wanted to bring that up in a presidential debate right at the end, my own good idea. I did it.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, why are you crying?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I’m sorry Lester. It’s, this is going so well. It’s going exactly how I always dreamed.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Okay. And now it’s time to move on to the closing statements. Secretary Clinton, you’re first.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen America, I get it. You hate me. You hate my voice and you hate my face. Well, here’s a tip. If you never wanna see my face again, elect me president, and I swear to god I will lock myself in the Oval office and not come out for four years. But if you don’t elect me, I will continue to run for president until the day I die. And I will never die.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump. Final remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: You know what Lester? I was going to say something extremely rough to Hillary tonight, but I said to myself I can’t do it, I just cant do it. But if I had said it, it would have been a nuclear bomb because in the 90s, our president was a man named Bill Clinton. Not many people know this, but that man is her husband. And in 1998, get this, he had an affair. It’s true. My investigators are looking into it right now. It was a woman named Monica, very heavy. I don’t have her last name yet but when I get it, I’m gonna set my alarm for 3:20 AM and go sit on my golden toilet bowl and tweet about it until completion.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Oh my god! Just remind everyone at home, this was the presidential debate. Any final words?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump coming to the center together]

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Celebrity Family Feud- Political Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Ivanka Trump… Margot Robbie

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Sarah Silverman… Melissa Villaseñor

Lin-Manuel Miranda… Cecily Strong

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud: Political Edition. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay now. Okay. Welcome to Family Feud: Political Edition. We back from a two week break. I was out getting my teeth enlarged. Okay, today we got a big old rivalry. We got team Hillary Clinton taking on team Donald Trump. And on the Trump side, we got Trump campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Thanks. Thank you. Thank you for having us on Jeopardy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huh? This is Family Feud.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

peaker Kellyanne Conway: Yeah, okay. So this is Jeopardy and if you look at all the signs and you are Alex Trebek, but let’s talk about the real Jeopardy which is the situation Hillary Clinton put us in taking money from Saudi princes and everyone here on Wheel Fortune can see that.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I’ve seen you on TV. You always look like the last 10 minutes of prom. Okay, next we got Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka trump.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump. Her hair is flipping.]

Ivanka Trump: What a pleasure it is to be here Steve. This is fun. I love fun. Everyday I schedule 20 minutes of fun.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sexy. Yeah. I know that might sound inappropriate, but if your daddy can say it, so can I. Next up, we got governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Hey, jersey strong, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, why you still with Trump? Is he gonna appoint you to a cabinet position or something?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Um, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Oh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Too easy. And finally on team Trump, oh my god, it’s Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Man! Are you and Trump actually friends?

Vladimir Putin: [Russian accent] Kind of. We are Facebook friends.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You creepy. Last week, I had a nightmare about you.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Ha-ha-ha. I know!

[gives Steve Harvey creepy look]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Let’s go to the Hillary Clinton side. First, we got my main man, Bill Clinton.

[Cut to Bill Clinton]

[Cheers and applause]

Bill Clinton: Hello Steve. I… love… the Feud.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, you sure you okay with Hillary being president instead of you?

[Cut to Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: I mean, I can’t wait. Believe you me, I freaking love the White House. I mean, you know, I can hangout there, you know, no presidential stuff to do. Red phone rings and I just say, “Hey, you take that one, honey! I’ll be downstairs watching… The Police Academy.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, next up, we got comedian and Hillary Clinton supporter, Sarah Silverman.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Oh my god! We might be electing the first woman president. I feel so much pride from my head to my vagina. [laughing]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you that nasty kind of adorable. And next, we got Hamilton creator and number one rapper on PBS, Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel Miranda]

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Steve, when you’re asking for words is, my mind starts going with the couple of verses, not versus as in the left and the right, it’s the right and the wrong that keeps me up at night.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Was there a beat that I didn’t hear? No? Okay! Finally, we got senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello, Steve. When does this actually start? The whole thing is hellos. My grandmother can knit a sweater in that time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you out here supporting Hillary?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Absolutely. Look, senator Clinton is the prune juice of this election. She might not seem that appetizing, but if you don’t take her now, you’re gonna be clogged with crap for a very long time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Give me Kellyanne and give me Bernie. Let’s get up here and play the Feud.

[Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders walks to Steve Harvey at the stage]

[Kellyanne Conway shakes hands with Bernie Sanders]

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. The shake. Of course. Very important, the shake. Yes, yes.

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a reason people give for being late.

[Kellyanne Conway hits the buzzer]

Kellyanne.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, let’s see if I do not have an answer even though I did buzz in, um, so I’ll do what I usually do which is talk and talk until people forget the question and then I’m gonna make an insane claim about Hillary. Hillary Clinton is North Korean.

Steve Harvey: Okay then. Show me ‘A bunch of lies’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not up there. Bernie Sanders, a reason people give for being late.

Bernie Sanders: You need a reason why I’m late? Look at me. Everywhere I go, it looks like I just finished chasing a bus.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Looking like a Jewish weirdo’.

[Right answer bell. The board shows ‘Missed the bus’.]

Hey! Number three answer. Okay, y’all wanna play or pass?

[Cut to team Hillary]

All: Let’s play.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what? We’ll get a pass.

Steve Harvey: But your team mates said they wanted to play.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Good for them. We’re gonna pass. It seems like a hassle.

Steve Harvey: Alright, let’s go to team Trump.

[Steve Harvey and Kellyanne Conway walk to team Trump]

Okay, Ivanka Trump, what’s the reason people give for being late?

Ivanka Trump: What an interesting and wonderful question, Steve. May I ask my brothers for help?

Steve Harvey: They not here.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump standing with a smile. Her brothers stand up. They were hiding behind her.]

Trump brothers: Yes, we are.

Steve Harvey: Oh! Who is this?

Donald Jr: I am Donald Jr., the brains.

Ivanka Trump: I’m Ivanka, the beauty.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Children are the con’. [wrong answer buzzer] It’s not up there.

Trump brothers: Too bad.

[Kellyanne Conway and the Trump brothers slowly get down and hide.]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Chris Christie. A reason people give for being late.

Chris Christie: Well, I’m late because I have been working very hard on behalf of Mr. Donald Trump.

Steve Harvey: OH, you really like him. You said some horrible things about him in the primaries though.

Chris Christie: It’s water on to the bridge. [hits the table] Dang, Christie! Come on!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Let’s just go over to Vladamir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin. He is shirtless and is jacked.]

Yeah. Let’s not!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Okay, team Clinton, [Steve Harvey walks to team Clinton] it’s your chance to steal. Ivanka, what you doing over here?

[Ivanka is talking with Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: We’re just getting acquainted.

Ivanka Trump: He is very nice.

Bill Clinton: [to Ivanka Trump] Do you like what wings? Really good wings?

Steve Harvey: William! William Jefferson Clinton. Alright everybody, give me some answers. Come on. Reason why people are late.

Bill Clinton: That’s my business.

Sarah Silverman: I was so high.

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Love is love is love is love.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, good answers there. Bernie Sanders, final guess. A reason why you’re late.

Bernie Sanders: Maybe you’re late because people like Jill Stein call you in the middle of the night asking you for advice. That woman drives me nuts. For someone who cares about the environment, she sure doesn’t mind asking people to throw their votes away, hah? Hah? Pretty clever. You didn’t know I was so clever, did you? Hah?

Steve Harvey: You got a lot on your mind. Show me bothered by Jill Stein.

[right answer bell. The board shows ‘Bothered by Jill Stein’ as number one answer.]

Oh! Number one answer. Well, once again, Hillary getting that Hollywood money. We’re gonna go to commercial. [Cut to Steve Harvey] During this time, I stare at my shoes and I don’t talk to nobody. We’ll see ya’.

[The End]

Actress Round Table

Karen Domineau… Aidy Bryant

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Keira Knightley… Margot Robbie

Lupita Nyong’o… Sasheer Zamata

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with 2016 New York Film Festival: Women’s Round Table video bumper]

[Cut to five women sitting at a round table.]

Karen Domineau: Hello and welcome to the 2016 New York Film Festival Actress Round Table. Now, today our topic is women in Hollywood and Hollywood in women. Joining me are some of the industry’s leaders. To my left, Academy Award winner, Marion Cotillard.

Marion Cotillard: Bonjour, Thank you.

Karen Domineau: Star of the imitation game, Keira Knightley.

Keira Knightley: Thank you. Actually, so great to be here supporting my fiml.

Karen Domineau: And her film ‘Queen of Katwe’ is in theatres now, Ms. Lupita Nyong’o.

Lupita Nyong’o: Thank you for having me.

Karen Domineau: And we are thrilled to have with us today, a Hollywood legend whose career spans eight decades. She has worked with Humphrey Bogart, Cecil B. DeMille and Alfred Hitchcock to name a few, the great Debette Goldry.

Debette Goldry: It’s a pleasure to be aiive.

Karen Domineau: Well, let’s get started now. As women, what are some of the unique challenged you’ve faced in your film careers.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard and Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: Well, the roles just aren’t there. I mean, everyone wants to cast you as the girlfriend, mother, beautiful girlfriend, beautiful mother.

[Cut to Lupita Nyong’o and 5]

Lupita Nyong’o: Exactly. Everyone asks, “What are you wearing?” But nobody asks, “What are you thinking?”

Debette Goldry: Yeah. Everyone who gives you drugs to wake you up, drugs to sleep.

[Cut to everybody]

Karen Domineau: I’m sorry. What?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Well, um, back at MGM they’d give me opioid injections in my toes to keep my quiet between takes. And then, they have a little man run over to give me a shot of enfilmin to say my line. “Stop hitting me with that shovel, Clark Gable.” You know. And then, what? More opiuim. You girls tell me what it is.

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: No, we don’t. Is that it? The thing that happened?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Well, sweetheart, with opium, you never really know, do you?

[Cut to Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: Um, Debette brings up a good point. Though, have there been moments where you’ve felt you’ve been treated differently because you are a woman?

[Cut to Lupita Nyong’o and 5]

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh, of course. I’ve had so many meetings where the men hit on me. It’s so disgraceful.

Debette Goldry: Ah! I gotta agree with little Peter No-no over here. I once had an audition where the producer said, “Have sex with me and you’ll get the part.”

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh my god! What did you do?

Debette Goldry: I had sex with him and he gave me the part. It was a fair trade.

[Cut to everybody]

Karen Domineau: Okay, um, let’s pivot a little. Right? Women in this industry are often not paid as much as the men. So, how have you managed to advocate for yourself financially?

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: I’m so glad you brought this up because yeah, I’m able to get 5 million now, but before I–

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: [interrupting] $5 million! Wow! Wow! No, then they used to pay me in broaches. They had it in my contract that I had to entertain our troops for free. And I went and I got over there, I found out it was for the other side. Long story short, I ended up flapping my toots for a bunch of crowds. But that’s Hollywood baby!

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: Wait, you, um, you stripped for Nazis?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: I did what I had to do to support our boys.

[Cut to everybody]

Marion Cotillard: I’m sorry, I would like to say something.

Karen Domineau: Okay. Thank god.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: It will pay for the actresses is part of the solution, but the main thing we need is more women writing the parts.

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Women writers? You’d have to teach them how to read. They actually tried to teach me how to read once by putting peanut butter in my mouth, and then they remembered that’s how you make it look like a horse is talking. So they gave the part to a horse.

[Cut to 5 and Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: I don’t even know where to begin responding to that.

Debette Goldry: [looking at Lupita Nyong’o] Well, to answer your question little Peter, I did wind up pregnant.

Karen Domineau: Okay, she didn’t ask that, neither did I.

Debette Goldry: And to cover it up, they force me to marry a chimp. I said to them, I don’t want that thing pumping around on top of me but turns out, okay, the chimp was homosexual. So, we lived a very peaceful life together. Best friends. But then, the little baboon ran off with my broaches. Man!

Karen Domineau: Okay! That’s all the time we have.

Debette Goldry: Wait, I know what that means. Alright, your crowds get to kick while they can.

[5 slowly opens her jacket.]

[The End]

Dennis Walls and the Cookies

Charlice… Leslie Jones

Donald… Kyle Mooney

Dennis Walls… Drake

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with PBS video bumper]

You are watching PBS.

[Cut to Charlice]

Charlice: Here on PBS, we rely on generous donations from our viewers to bring you great, classic shows like this one. 1978 ‘Sexy kind of evening’ with Dennis Walls and the Cookies. Ooh. Charlice, that’s one of my favorites. Mine too, Ronald.

[Donald comes out from Charlice’s behind]

Donald: Charlice, you’re standing right in front of me. Also, saying all my lines.

Charlice: Oh, I’m sorry Donald. You know, you gotta jump in there, baby. Go ahead and say your line.

Donald: Let’s–

Charlice: [interrupting] Let’s walk to show Charlice.

[Cut to ‘Sexy Kind of Evening’ intro]

Male voice: It’s ‘Sexy kind of evening’ with RnB legend Dennis Walls.

[Cut to Dennis Walls. There are two women ‘cookies’ behind him.]

Dennis Walls: How sexy does everybody feel tonight? Very sexy? Thought so. I’m Dennis Walls and these are my backup signature cookies. And I’ve got to know, how my cookies is doing tonight?

Cecily: Oh, us cookies are hot.

Kate: And sweet.

Cecily and Kate: And then we will spoil your appetite.

Dennis Walls: Umm. Umm. Standing up here with my sexy cookies makes me feel like my birthday came early this year, but I never come early. Right cookies?

Kate: That’s nasty.

Cecily: How come is it nasty?

Kate: Look cookie. She’s the dumb one.

Cecily: But I own it, don’t I?

Dennis Walls: Now, come on cookies. Let’s go get comfortable and start off sexy show.

[Dennis Walls, Cecily and Kate walk to their set]

Hey, why is this stool so small? Why would somebody give me a foot stool?

Cecily: Maybe the director’s still mad at you for forgetting his name.

Dennis Walls: Oh man. I got nothing but respect for Sid.

Kate: His name is Tom.

Dennis Walls: Well, should I throw a fit?

Kate: No baby. That’s not your style.

Cecily: I know what will make it better. Letting that deep sexy baritone voice out from under that mustache cave.

Dennis Walls: Oh, I like the way my cookies think. Hand me my mic.

[Dennis Walls gets a mic]

[singing] Shake off your body

[When he sings on the mic, his voice sounds like baby’s.]

Oh, something’s wrong here. I sound funny. There’s something wrong with the mic.

Cecily: Yeah, baby. Something’s wrong with your mic. You sound like a little chipmunk.

Kate: Or a little bug cartoon.

Dennis Walls: I think I have no choice but to throw my fist, cookies.

Cecily: Oh, don’t go there baby. It will ruin your groove.

Dennis Walls: Oh, alright man. Let’s just finish the song.

[singing] Fly your…

Listen. I’m not gonna use this mic anymore. I can’t ruin my brand.

Kate: Hey, Dennis. What’s behind that big silver curtain over there?

Dennis Walls: [laughing] I bet it’s my big sexy saxophone so I can play ya’ll big sexy sexophone solo.

Kate: Sounds like it could be a big….

Cecily: And sexophone.

Dennis Walls: Well, why don’t I unzip these curtains and I’ll show you just how big it is.

Kate: Oh. That’s nasty again.

Cecily: How come is this nasty also?

[The curtain opens and a stool slides in. There’s a tiny saxophone on the stool that’s the size of a key-ring.]

Dennis Walls: Well, I mean, what happened here? This looks like a little fashion doll saxophone.

Kate: Well, now did you specify a regular size saxophone or did you say Barbara doll size?

Dennis Walls: Now girl, why would I ask for Barbara doll size saxophone? Where’s the logic in this?

Cecily: Ooh, and it’s on a normal size stool. That’s the one you were supposed to sit on earlier. Maybe just try playing it, baby.

[Dennis Walls blows on the tiny saxophone. It sounds like a whistle.]

Dennis Walls: I don’t understand this. We had Kate0 production meetings about what was going to happen here tonight. What is wrong with you, Sydney?

Cecily and Kate: Tod!

Dennis Walls: Forget it. Let’s just not let any of this ruin off our sexy sounds together. Okay, cookies. How about we just move over here to the circular bed and we get sexy for real. [Cecily and Kate walk to the bed] After you.

[Cecily jumps to the bed and the bed starts revolving]

Cecily: Oh, I think we’re moving, Dennis.

Dennis Walls: You know I love me a little motion in ocean, girls. I love it. Alright.

[singing] Let me love you girls
then I can take my time
loving you

Cecily and Kate: So you’re gonna do just to you
Dennis Walls: Yeah, that’s right. Yeah.

I’ll do me real quick
then roll over to you.

[The bed is rotating too fast]

Hang on now. Hold on a second. Is this bed speeding up?

Cecily: Yes, seems like it to me.

Kate: I’m getting scared.

Dennis Walls: Why are we going this fast?

[Cecily falls down]

Hey, sexy?

Kate: Where is she? I cannot get a grip on this.

[Kate falls down too.]

Dennis Walls: Y’all not listening to me.

[Dennis Walls falls down too.]

Male voice: This has been a very sexy evening with Dennis Walls and the Cookies.

[The End]

Near-Death Experience

Aidy Bryant

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Brie Larson

Rapordy… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with two doctors interviewing three women in American Medical Association]

Aidy: I’m Dr. Rhodes and this is Dr. Christian. Now, we know you’ve been through a lot this past week. And we appreciate you being here.

Bobby: Yes. The fact that you three were technically dead for 55 minutes makes your near death experience of great interest to the scientific community.

Cecily: This is nuts, man! I mean, we were just gal pals on a road trip who took a wrong turn into a lake. And now we’re medical miracles.

Aidy: Indeed. Now after your car became submerged and you lost consciousness, what was your first lucent memory?

Cecily: Um, my soul was gently lifted out of my body by like, a beautiful glowing being and it said, “I am your guardian angel. You are safe with me.” And then we just floated up out of the car into the sky.

Brie: Same here. My angel said, “Take my hand, dear child.” We floated up pretty high but I wasn’t scared. I felt like infused with this warm loving energy.

Bobby: And you, miss Rapordy?

Rapordy: Yeah, similar concept, different execution. [smoking a cigarette] My angel said, “I’m Keith. Hold on.” And then he violently yanked my soul up out of my body by the waist band in my sweatpants.

Aidy: And did you also feel loving energy?

Rapordy: No. No. What I mostly felt was the pinching of an epic lady wedge. Coz I was being freaking air-lifted by the crotch in my sweatpants and it was jacked up into my coo-coo.

Bobby: I see. And this all occurred while you were floating.

Rapordy: Yeah, I wouldn’t call it float. Uh, Keith would ratchet us into the air and quick 5 foot spurts followed by sudden stops. I think if I was a role, it would be employee of the month.

Bobby: I see. Now, after you left your bodies, what happened next?

Cecily: Um, I was in a tunnel and at the end there was a bright glow like, beaconing me forward. I drifted to the light with my angel. I don’t know. It felt like I was going like, home.

Brie: Yeah. I mean, it sounds corny but the close I got to the light, the more my heart filled with love.

Rapordy: What? These two Cinderellas are going to the ball. Meanwhile, cut to my tunnel, which is a 6 miles long steep slope that Keith made me run down in flip-flops. And now mind you, my sweats were so stretched out, they kept falling off. So I just had to kick em’ off. And now, I’m full Donald Ducking it. And I’m hoofing down a 45 degree decline with my fun-bun and mud-gun hanging out playing view.

Bobby: Now, what occurred when you all reached the end of this tunnel?

Cecily: In the light, I saw my mama. She said, “I’m always with you, baby.” I just never wanted to let go.

Brie: I saw my grand daddy. He took my hand. He didn’t say anything. He just smiled and happy cried. Words can’t describe how amazing it was.

Rapordy: Well, again I stray from the pack here. So, I get into my light and out come thousands of dogs. All sizes, all breeds. Just dogs running around, playing and yapping and nipping at each other. And I’m sporting no pants. So, I’m fighting off to gaggle at cold snouts trying to sniff my drainer and my stainer. Look, at least somebody’s interested, right?

Aidy: And now, do dogs have special significance in your life?

Rapordy: No. No. No. I think Keith bached and sent me to dog heaven. By this point, it’s pretty clear, Keith was learning on the job.

Aidy: Do any of you remember the moment you essentially came back to life?

Brie: Yeah. My angel said to me, “It is not your time.” And then cradled me like a baby, took me back down and gently placed my soul back into my body.

Cecily: Yeah. It felt like being tucked into bed by your mama.

Rapordy: Okay. Now I am actually a little ticked off. My angel jammed my soul into my body like it was shoving a carry on into a crowded over head bin. I was like, “Keith, bud, maybe come up with a different game plan here.” And he was like, “No, no. I can make it fit.” And he was using his elbows, jamming on my soul.

Bobby: Now, why do you think it was so difficult?

Rapordy: Alright, my theory is this. Keith accidentally grabbed one of the dead dog’s souls and stuffed it into my body. Coz I’m pretty sure the soul of the Scottish Terrier has set up shop in my right knocker.

Aidy: What is it that makes you think that?

Rapordy: Well, whenever the doorbell rings, my knocker goes crazy. It’s like, I’m– I gotta–

[Raporty grabs Cecily’s right breast]

It’s like this. [shaking Cecily’s breast] Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr.

Cecily: Well, why don’t you just demonstrate on yourself?

Rapordy: I didn’t want to wake him up.

Aidy: Well, this is all very fascinating. Well, if you’ll follow me, we’d like to do some light brain mapping.

[everybody stand]

Rapordy: Alright. Let’s just make it quick coz I think someone’s up now. [looking at her breasts] Sit! Sit!

[The End]

Game of Thrones- Jon Snow

Tormund… Bobby Moynihan

Edd… Beck Bennett

Ser Davos… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Brie Larson

Melisandre… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Jon snow… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the intro of The Game Of Thrones]

[Cut to the scene where Jon Snow is dead and his body is lying.]

Tormund: Well, Jon Snow is dead.

Edd: Yes, he’s dead for good. But he might be the heir to the iron throne.

Ser Davos: Oh, well. Not anymore. Because of how dead he is.

Tormund: What should we do with the body? Bury him?

Ser Davos: No. I think with this one, we just leave him out for a few days on this slab so that everyone can see how dead he really is.

Edd: Boy, he is dead.

Tormund: He is the deadest.

Ser Davos: Dead… for sure.

Cecily : Oh, my god. This is so slow.

Brie : Just bring him back to life already.

Cecily : Yeah. We all know it’s gonna happen. Just do it.

Ser Davos: No, it is not going to happen because he is super dead. On a scale of one to ten, he is like a ten of dead.

Edd: Totally, Ser Davos. But wait. Does Jon Snow have to be…

Ser Davos: Have to be what?

Edd: Have to be dead?

Cecily : No! He doesn’t. So let’s wake him up and pop on a horse and fight someone or something.

Brie : Yeah. Because we only get ten hours in a year, people. We spent two in this room.

Cecily : Yeah, right now we’re doing [gesturing stretching with her hands] this and we need to be doing [gesturing running fast with her hands] this.

[Melisandre walks in]

Melisandre: Hello. It is I, Melisandre. Remember? With thousand year old posts?

Ser Davos: Melisandre, seeing you gives me an idea. Can you bring Jon Snow back to life with your magic?

Melisandre: Hmm, maybe. Let me think about for a full ten minutes.

Ser Davos: And while you think, let’s stare both traumatically.

[close cuts to Ser Davos and Melisandre staring here and there]

Cecily : Holy crap. I mean, you guys must feel how slow this is.

Brie : I mean, what is this? A play? Let’s go do something. Our world is so cool. We have giants, we have dragons, we have quidditch.

Cecily : Oh, that’s Harry Potter.

Brie : Oh, whatever.

Ser Davos: I have done plenty of exciting things with my life. Remember last year when I learned to read?

Cecily : No. Actually I went to the bathroom during all those scenes.

[Kenan  walks in]

Kenan : Move aside. I’m here to see Jon Snow. I heard he’s alive again.

Cecily : No. They still haven’t done it.

Brie : He’s still on the slab.

[Kenan  looking at the body]

Kenan : [squeaky voice] Whaaaaat?

Melisandre: Okay. Update. I have decided to do my magic. But a warning. It only works if it’s done very slowly. First, I must wash his body. That’s part of the magic for sure.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

Not yet.

[Jon Snow dies again]

And maybe not ever, my magic may not work. This is real edge of the seat kind of thing. And now, what everyone has been waiting a year to see. I shall cut his hair.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

Not yet, kid!

Jon Snow: [whispering] Sorry.

Melisandre: And now I throw his hair into tiny little fire, one strand at a time.

Kenan : [yelling] Pick up the pace, woman!

Melisandre: Never mind the pace. I’m sure they’re cutting away to King’s Landing or something while I do all this boring stuff.

Cecily : No, no, no. They’re not. They’re staying on us.

Brie : Yeah, they’re showing us. This all in real time.

Melisandre: Wait, they are? A-yai-yai. Abraka-dabra. You’re alive.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

It worked. What a twist.

Brie : Finally.

Cecily : Come on, out to the good stuff.

Jon Snow: I miss my family. Take me to Bran. I wanna see what Bran’s up to.

All: No!

[The End]

Church Lady Cold Open

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Melania… Cecily Strong

Ivanka… Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Church Chat intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Church Chat.

[Cut to Church Lady]

[cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Thank you. Thank you everybody. Welcome to Church Chat. I’m the Church Lady. You know, it’s interesting times in America, right? And now we’ve landed on the exciting presidential matchup between a god list liberal democrat and Hillary Clinton. But first my favorite event of the week, the Met Gala Ball, the classy evening where strumpets and street walkers and sluts get to parade around in the latest genital fashion. First, we have Madonna. Let’s see what this 57-year-old mother chose to wear.

[Cut to picture of Madonna from behind at the Met Gala]

Look, her fanny’s just hanging out with sturdy straps [Cut to Church Lady] to push those six-decade old bums straight to heaven. Go get Jesus.

And then we have Beyonce. [Cut to picture of Beyonce at Met Gala] She must be thinking, “What should I wear to the ball tonight? [Cut to Church Lady] I know. A giant latex condom. All wrapped up and ready to fornicate.”

Speaking of fornicating, Beyonce made her record called Lemonade about her husband’s affairs. With that in mind, introducing today’s sponsor, Church Lady’s Lemonade.

[Church Lady shows a package of lemonade with her picture on it.]

It’s freshly squeezed just like Jay-Z’s snotty parts.  Too soon? Okay. Alright let’s talk politics, shall we? My first guest is someone I’ve talked about quite a bit here on Church Chat but we’ve never actually met face to face. Please welcome Satan.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Hi there. You can actually just call me Ted Cruz.

Church Lady: Oh, I’m terribly sorry about that. I was just quoting one of your colleagues, Teddy. Don’t get that a bunch. You know, John Boehner, speaker of the house.

Ted Cruz: Oh, sure. No, John’s– Oh, he’s coming up with hilarious nick names for me like Buster, or son of a gun.

Church Lady: I believe the phrase was ‘Lucifer in the flesh’. Yeah, little bit different than Buster. And now you quit the race entirely. Why do you think it didn’t work out?

Ted Cruz: Well Church Lady, I suppose the American people weren’t ready for a candidate with strong Christian values, someone like me who follows the righteous path and lives his faith every blessing moment.

Church Lady: Has anyone ever told you that you’re just a little preachy? Just a little bit. We like ourselves, don’t we. Look at that face. We love ourselves. Coz we think we’re just a little bit– There it is. That’s that happy superior face coz we love Jesus more than anybody.

Ted Cruz: Yes, I do pray to god often and I think everything that happened was part of god’s plan.

Church Lady: Was it? Was it? God’s plan for you to get humiliated by an orange mannequin? That’s kind of an odd plan for god to have for you, isn’t it? Tell me Ted Man Walking, what are you gonna do now?

Ted Cruz: Well actually Church Lady, I’ve been thinking about turning evil for a while. You know? Going to the dark side. I mean, I’ve been told to go to hell so many times I- I think its finally time to check it out. [laughing hardly]

Church Lady: Well, what a fun trip you’re looking forward to. I rarely say this in encouraging way, but see you in hell!

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha, thank you Church Lady. [Stands and walks out laughing]

Church Lady: Alright, very good. Little bit. Just a little bit. Alright, our final guest today is the presumptive republican divorcee– I mean nominee, please welcome the tangerine tornado, Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Terrific. Alright there, hi Donny. have a seat. Look at you.

Donald Trump: Hey Church Lady. It’s great to be here. Your place looks tremendous. Believe me, this is one classy fun house.

Church Lady: Actually, this is what we call a church. Something tells me that you’re not a big church goer.

Donald Trump: Oh, I’m a big church guy. I’m there all the time. Sometimes I go even when it’s not church day.

Church Lady: Wow, what a well put statement. Does Donny ever take a gander at the holy scripture?

Donald Trump: Honestly, I love all the books in the bible. I do. They’re all terrific. Corinthians part two. Book of revelations. Two geneses too furious, which says and I quote, “Love thy neighbor as thyself and like a good neighbor stay far as there.” And, “always keep the sabbath huge.” That’s Moses. Oh, and part where Jon Snow comes back to life, that’s great bible.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Donny, there are those who say you’re not qualified and that’s not true. You know, I remember a Celebrity apprentice episode where Gary Busey didn’t sell enough pancakes and you just said, “You’re fired.” And I thought right then and there, “Give this man the nuclear codes.”

Donald Trump: A lot of people are saying that.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Speaking of God’s commandments or not, I understand your family is here.

Donald Trump: Oh yeah, that’s right. Get in here guys.

[three women enter]

This is my wife Melania.

Melania: Hello, it’s so wonderful to be here.

Donald Trump: My lovely daughter, Ivanka.

Ivanka: Sort of great to be here as well.

Church Lady: And who’s the third woman down there?

Donald Trump: That’s just another model. I mean she’s great energy to have around.

Church Lady: I’m sure.

Kate: [in Russian accent] Let’s have fun.

Church Lady: It likes all kinds of flash, doesn’t it? Tell me Donald, have you figured out who your vice presidents are gonna be? Somebody who shares your temperament and values? Someone like, oh I don’t know, could it be… Satan?

[Ted Cruz comes in. Now he has horns and fangs. He is there with his minion.]

Ted Cruz: [in demonic voice] I have recurred.

Church Lady: Ted is a demon. My god!

Ted Cruz: I am no longer Ted Cruz. I am Bermagulas, lord of shadows. [laughing]

Donald Trump: You sure you aren’t lord of the weak chins?

[Ted Cruz is angry and looking at Donald Trump]

Ted Cruz: Stop it Donald.

Donald Trump: You’re the first guy who got possessed and looks better.

Ted Cruz: You’re such a jerk, Donald! I’m going back to hell. They’re nicer there.

[Ted Cruz leaves]

Church Lady: Well, that was an eventful Church Chat. Thanks for letting us chatted up with you and right now all I gotta say is…

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Church Lady and Ted Cruz: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Brie Larson Monologue

Brie Larson

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Brie Larson.

[Brie Larson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Brie Larson: Thank you. Thank you so very much. Hey everybody, it is so wonderful to be here. As I hope you all know tomorrow is Mother’s Day. So it’s fitting that I’m hosting tonight because I played a very strong mother in a movie every kid should watch with their mom on Mother’s Day called ‘Room’. Don’t do that. The movie is pretty intense. 10 minutes, and my own mom went to go get popcorn and just never came back. Speaking of my mom, she’s here tonight. [Cut to Brie’s mom in the audience] Happy Mother’s Day, mom. Are you excited for the show?

Brie’s Mom: Yeah, I love Alicia Keys.

[Cut to Brie Larson]

Brie Larson: Okay, cool.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey Brie, sorry to interrupt. I forgot it was Mother’s Day tomorrow. Do you mind if I do special message for my mom?

Brie Larson: Oh, yeah. Of course Beck, yes.

Beck: Thanks. [looking at the camera and putting his arm around Brie’s shoulder] Hey mom, so this is the girl I’ve been telling you about. See? I told you she’s real. And a girl.

Brie Larson: [removing Beck’s hand from her shoulder] Maybe not that.

Beck: Oh right, sure. And, um, happy Mother’s Day. I love you.

Brie Larson: We’re not dating Beck.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good looks and a sense of humor. You look out there babe, I’ll be waiting in the dressing room. [whispering] Ask here where, oh!

[Beck leaves]

Brie Larson: For the record, miss Bennett, I am not dating your son. But since it’s Mother’s Day, if anyone else has a message for their mom, come on up.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Oh, I do Brie. Is that okay?

Brie Larson: Sure. Go ahead, Bobby.

Bobby: Hey mom, do me a favor. Get the remote, go in my room and record all seasons of Vanderpump Rules. Thanks mom. Happy Mother’s Day. I love you.

Brie Larson: You live with your mom?

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I pay rent.

[Bobby walks out and Pete walks in]

Pete: Hey Brie, um, my mom’s watching tonight. So do you mind if I said something?

Brie Larson: Um, Pete, we’re kind of running low on time now.

[Pete’s mom walks in]

Pete: Oh, okay. Okay mom, Brie Larson said she doesn’t have time for you.

Brie Larson: Oh-okay. Okay, Pete. I didn’t know that your mom was right there. Of course, hi, happy Mother’s Day. Say something.

Pete: Oh. Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I love you.

Brie Larson: It’s so sweet that you brought you mom tonight.

Pete: She comes, um, every show.

[Pete and his mom walks out]

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hey Brie, can I bring my mom up here?

Brie Larson: Of course.

Kate: Come on, ma.

[Kate’s mom walks in]

Kate: Brie, loved you in the movie ‘Short Term 12. She just wanted to meet you.

Kate’s mom: Well, who doesn’t like a good Brie?

Kate: She wrote that.

Brie Larson: Ha-ha, yeah. [Kate and her mom leave] Oh, it’s my turn. Mom, can you please come up here?

[Brie’s mom walks in]

You’ve been so supportive to me over the years. Endless words of encouragement. And as a token of my appreciation, I got you a front row seat to the hottest show in New York.

Brie’s mom: Hamilton?

Brie Larson: No mom, no. This show. And we’ve got a great one. Alicia Keys is here. So stick around. We will be right back.

Baby Shower

Claire… Leslie Jones

Heather… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Brie Larson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a group of moms having a baby shower]

All: Open it. Open it.

Brie: Aw, burp cloths with little duckies on them. Thank you so much for throwing me this baby shower, girls. I feel so welcome to the neighborhood.

Sasheer: Of course. So, when are you becoming a mom?

Brie: My due date is July 14.

Sasheer: Oh, no. That’s when you’re having a child. But when are you becoming a true mother? You know. When are you… [sowing her hair]

Brie: When am I what?

Heahter: She wants to know when you’re getting the cut, sweetie. [feeling her hair]

Brie: The cut?

All: Yes, the cut.

[Everyone except Brie has the same short haircut.]

Cecily: You know, the haircut that all moms have. Soft waterfall in the front but knives in the back.

Vanessa: The one that looks like your’e going to a formal event but on the way, you were stuck by lightning.

Claire: The scared dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

Brie: I don’t think that look is for me.

Sasheer: That’s what we all thought. But then one day something will break inside of you and you’ll know it’s time to get the cut.

Brie: Well, what was it for you?

Sasheer: Well, I was getting ready to leave a wedding and then all of a sudden, I thought, “I need to take this centerpiece.” I can no longer leave a wedding without taking a centerpiece.

Brie: Was it the end of the reception?

Brie: No. I left early because I don’t like music but dammit, I took that centerpiece and then I knew, it was time for the cut.

Aidy: You know, but the cut finds you in different ways. Now for me, it was much more abrupt. I completely blacked out and I came to in the parking lot of Marshall’s Home Goods. And in my hands was a rustic sign that just said the single word, “Home.” Next day, I got the cut.

Cecily: You know now, for me it was when I bought a big glass urn. Huge. Takes up entire kitchen isle. And what did I put in it? One candle.

Brie: And when do you light it?

All: Never!

Brie: So you’re telling me there’s gonna be some sort of magical moment and suddenly I’m gonna want a haircut that’s curtains in the front, iron throne in the back?

Vanessa: No one wants the cut. The cut chooses you. For me, it happened when I stepped into my bathroom. I closed my eyes and heard the ocean. In that moment, I knew my bathroom must be an ocean. I need light houses. I need sea shells. I need soap in the shape of the flipflop.

Brie: Why do you need soap in the shape of a flipflop?

[everybody laughing]

Heahter: Silly girl, she seeks clarity only the cut can provide. But soon you will know many things. Like, bathrooms are oceans. But the kitchen is afar.

Sasheer: Yeah. A kitchen is watering cans, picket fences, a pig in a chef’s hat.

Claire: The cut is more powerful than you can ever imagine. My doctor told me I couldn’t get pregnant unless I have sex with my husband, which I never have, and never will. Instead, I just got the cut and I looked down and boom! I was 7 months pregnant.

Brie: [Folding a bag] There is no way that that could have happened.
Cecily: Really? Then ask yourself a question. Why are you folding that bag so carefully?

Brie: So I can save it for later because it’s just such a nice bag.

Sasheer: We know. We give them to each other. I got that bag from Claire.

Claire: And I got that bag from Heather.

Heahter: And I got it from Barbara. There are only seven bags in this entire county because of women like us. Women with good taste and foresight to save.

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Hey, mom.

Aidy: Hi, sweetie.

Jon: Sorry to interrupt. I’m just gonna grab something to eat.

Brie: I’ll fix you a plate.

Jon: It’s alright. I’ll get it myself. Thanks though.

[Brie is shocked]

Brie: Fix you a plate? He’s not even my son. Yet, I didn’t trust him to put things on a plate and microwave it. I had to do it for him.

Heahter: The catch is upon us.

Brie: No. No, I will never be like you. I will never have a chunky highlight.

Aidy: What’s in motion cannot be undone. Soon you will have the cut. And all of your tank tops will sprout cap sleeves.

Cecily: Your quotes will be inspirational and your magnets, hilarious.

Sasheer: You will go to the beach but only shop…

All: The cat, the cat, the cat.

Sasheer: Welcome sister.

[Brie screaming. Now she has the short haircut too.]

Brie: Oh, my god! [feeling her shot hair] I love this. I love it. And you know what this room needs? A big bowl of fake fruits.

All: Oh, yeah.

Female voice: Happy Mother’s Day from SNL.

[The End]