Tag: Kate McKinnon

Woodbridge High School Showcase

Aidy Bryant

Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

David Larry

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with students introducing their showcase]

Aidy: Welcome everyone to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre showcase.

Fred: Written and directed by us, the students.

[the audience are clapping]

Aidy: Now, before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s show is rated R, for reality check.

Fred: And now, please enjoy, America the beautiful?

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. All the performers enter the stage. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Lights turn on]

Aidy: Ma’am, what’s this?

Kate: That’s the iPhone 6s with 128 gigabytes.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] Sir, what’s this?

Taran: That’s the new iPad Pro with 12.9 inch display.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] And sir, what’s this? [showing a flower]

Fred: I don’t know.

Kyle: How about less tech-nology

Beck: And more nature-nology.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to David, Vaness and Kenan]

David: What? That’s all the show?

Vanessa: No, no, no. The program says it was scene 1 of 85.

David: Oh, yeah. No, I’m not sitting through 85 of these.

[David walks out]

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kate: We all know what regular people buy at regular grocery stores.

Kyle: But what do rich people buy at rich grocery stores?

Kate: Let’s find out now.

Beck: [facing Taran] One Hollywood body please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Fred: [to Taran] One innocent verdict, please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Aidy: One general election please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep. Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: You know what sucks? The cast party is at my house. Last year they stayed up until 6 AM just complimenting each other.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kyle: I have xeca. Cough, cough.

Kate: I have ebola. [sneeze]

Aidy: I have malaria. Malayr-malayr.

Fred: But in high-school, do you know what spreads faster than all of these?

[They start whispering on each other’s ears]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: It’s gonna be gossip.

[Cut to the stage]

Taran: It’s gossip.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Kenan: No, doy!

Vanessa: Look at this. The program says this show is dedicated to Prince.

Kenan: Yeah, but then they have a picture of Michael Jackson on the back.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Honey, where’s your prom date? I cannot wait to meet him.

Aidy: Actually, it’s not a him. It’s a her.

[Kate jumps in]

Kate: We’re lesbians.

Everybody: That’s good.

Kate: Nice to meet you, Emily’s dad.

Beck: Actually, I’m not her dad. I’m her mom. I’m transgender.

Everybody: That’s good.

Aidy: And this whole time, none of us were white. We were Asian.

Everybody: That’s good!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: These kids blow. What do they think this is even gonna lead to?

Kenan: Actually, they all just in in NYU.

Vanessa: Oh! Ew!

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: I have a story. [the other performers start humming] It’s about my little brother. His name is Jackery, but I don’t call him that. I call him hero. Because he has special needs. Doctor said we would need to help him but the funny thing is, he is the one who helped us. And that’s why now, I spell hero with a capital Jackery.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: What? She is my only child. Also, she calls me the R word like everyday.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Fred: For this scene we need a volunteer. How about you in the front row, [Cut to Kenan] pretending to read a tiny book.

Kenan: Who, me?

[Cut to the stage]

Fred: Yes, you. Get up here. Now, we all love to watch violence on TV.

Kate: Band!

Taran: Punch!

Beck: Hit!

Fred: But what happens when we’re confronted by something as simple as the human body?

[Kenan walks to the stage and sits]

Kenan: Oh, no.

[The performers walk to Kenan one by one]

Aidy: My vagina.

Kate: My nipples.

Taran: My scrotum.

Beck: My penis and my brenium.

Aidy: My libia majora.

Kyle: My anus.

Fred: Tell us, sir. Did that make you uncomfortable?

Kenan: Uh, yeah! Coz you’re all kids.

Everybody: Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing.]

[The lights turn on]

Fred: Thank you all for coming to our show.

Aidy: Please stay seated for two hour Q&A amongst ourselves.

[Fred raises his hand]

Aidy: Yes you.

[The End]

Escape Pod

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Din… Fred Armisen

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a space ship flying in the space. Subtitle says Andromeda Galaxy, year twentyfifty.]

[The space ship is broken and fire breaks down]

[Cut to four people panicking in the ship]

Taran: Ah! The evacuation. Great work finding that maintenance tunnel willow.

Beck: We’re too late. There’s only one escape pod left. Why didn’t they wait for us.

Taran: Half the ship is torn apart in a solar storm, Donar. It’s safe to assume they thought we were all dead.

Cecily: Well, one escape pod fits one person. So, who gets to live?

Taran: Alright. [opens his bag] Throw your ID badges in here. I draw your’s, you get the escape pod.

Din: What happens to everybody else?

Cecily: They stay here and wait to die.

[Taran draws an ID[

Taran: It’s Din.

Din: No, you guys. No.

Beck: First fair, Din.

Din: I’m a nobody. I don’t have kids. Why should I get to live?

Taran: It’s what fate decided.

[Din goes to the escape pod.]

Cecily: When you get to that moon base, tell the other colonists what happened here today. Tell them our story.

Din: [sobbing] I will. You’re my best friends. And now, you’re my heroes.

Taran: God speed, Din.

Din: I will tell your story.

[Din presses the button]

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaging.

Din: You guys are the best.

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaged.

Din: The world will know your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Pre launch checklist. Do you wish to eat during the flight?

Din: How can I think about food when my friends are about to die?

Beck: Din, it’s okay.

Assisting voice: Do you wish to eat during your flight?

Din: I mean, I want the option. It’s a long flight. There you go. [presses yes] I’m not gonna even eat it. You know? Coz I’ll be thinking of your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Select entree from menu.

Din: [frustrated] I don’t deserve an entree. [reading the menu] Korean style chicken with spicy sobe noodles and chobani.

Taran: Hey Din, if you see my wife up there, tell her I love her.

Din: I’ll tell her more than that. I’ll tell her that her husband–

Assisting voice: Select beverage.

Din: Um, vanilla milkshake. That her husband died a hero.

Assisting voice: Make inflight entertainment selection from film database.

Din: What? I don’t think that my friends are giving their lives so I can watch a movie. [looking at the list]

Assisting voice: You selected City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. Is that correct?

Din: Yes, it’s correct.

Assisting voice: Select seat mode. Standard, relaxed or pampered?

Din: Oh, my god! Why does it even matter? Um, pampered.

[two hands that comes out behind Din start massaging him]

Assisting voice: Activating deep issue massage.

Din: [enjoying massage] Oh, yes. I will never forget you guys. And neither will the world. Oh, that feels so good.

[the door of the escape pod slowly closes.]

[Din is saluting at his friends]

Assisting voice: Countdown to launch.

Cecily: I hope he enjoys his first class flight while we wait to die.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Wait! Wait! Oh! The blast fried the escape pod’s computers. They’re all flying directly into the sun. But I found a cargo shuttle below.

Taran: Lead the way.

Beck: What about Din?

[Cut to Din. He is enjoying his milkshake and laughing at the movie]

Taran: I’d hate to interrupt his dinner and the movie.

Cecily: Din, we’ll tell your story.

[Cut to the video clip of escape pod flying into the sun]

[The End]

Hillary and Bernie Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Hillary Clinton having a drink at the bar booth]

Hillary Clinton: Well bartender, I’ve done it. I’ve won the nomination. I mean, no I haven’t. I keep losing states but mathematically, I’ve done it. To math! [Hillary Clinton finishes her drink] Aright, I think I’m gonna head home. Don’t you work too late now.

Bartender: Oh, I won’t, Mrs. Clinton. I’m actually closing up the bar right now. So, everybody’s got to go. It means you too sir.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Bartender and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders is sitting far away on the sofa.]

Bernie Sanders: No freaking way! I’m not going anywhere. I can stay here as long as I want.

Bartender: Senator Sanders, I’m sorry but the night is over.

Bernie Sanders: No! No, it’s not over. It’s not over till I say it’s over.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello Bernie. I didn’t see you sitting behind me. So far behind me, you could never catch up.

[Bernie Sanders walks up to Hillary Clinton]

Bernie Sanders: Oh, shut up. You saw me. You even see me in your sleep, baby. Because I’m your worst nightmare.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, please! My worst nightmare is mandatory spa day and you know it.

Bernie Sanders: Mine is waiting over an hour at Lens Crafters. 

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Oh, Bernie. It’s always so just fine to see you. I love you suit by the way. Looks old.

Bernie Sanders: And I love your suit. Looks like you were elected to the galactic council. 

Hillary Clinton: Excuse me bartender, do you mind if I just have one more drink with my old, very old, kind of dangerously old friend Bernie?

Bartender: Sure Mrs. Clinton. What can I get for you two?

Bernie Sanders: I’ll have a beer. A new brand that people love flocking to. Something refreshing and revolutionary. Something that draws huge crowds.

Hillary Clinton: And I’ll have whatever beer no one likes but gets the job done. [to Bernie] Oh Bernie, you should be proud, you know? You ran a damn good campaign.

Bernie Sanders: I am running a good campaign.

Hillary Clinton: But don’t worry. I promise I’m gonna have a very special role for you in my administration. How would you like to be… wait for it, the senator from Vermont?

Bernie Sanders: Ha-ha. Oh Hillary, I’ll miss that lack of charm. 

Hillary Clinton: I’ll miss your deal too. But I have to move on. And that’s why I’ve started pivoting to the general.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. I gotta say I have noticed the pivot. Not a fan of the pivot. Way too early for the pivot.

Hillary Clinton: Why do you keep saying pivot? What is that?

[Bartender comes in]

Bartender: Here are your drinks. And who’s bill should I put this on?

Bernie Sanders: Her’s.

Hillary Clinton: Mine. Well Bernie, no matter what happens, we got to admit we’ve had some good times, you and I.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, it’s true. Remember when I told everyone to stop talking about your damn emails? What a smuck!

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha. I know. That could have taken me down.

Bernie Sanders: I know. I know. I’m so stupid. So stupid.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I do not like humor but that was funny. Oh my god, and remember all those states like, why you made me worried. Where you beat me by a lot but then I still got most of the delegates?

Bernie Sanders: [laughing] Oh my god, that was so stupid. It’s rigged!

Hillary Clinton: I know it’s so rigged.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, my god! [raises his drink] To Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Hillary Clinton: [raising her drink] To Debbie. Whoo!

Bernie Sanders: Listen Hillary, this might be the beer talking but I’ll tell you a secret.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

Bernie Sanders: You know how I constantly rail against the upper class?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: Well, sometimes when I go to sleep at night, I dream about being a fancy millionaire or billionaire.

Hillary Clinton: Really?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. And in my dream, I wear a fancy hat. I say fancy things like, “I’ll have a tuna sandwich on a Kwasa.”

Hillary Clinton: Can I tell you a secret?

Bernie Sanders: Sure.

Hillary Clinton: I’ve never told to anyone this but you know the presidency?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah.

Hillary Clinton: I really, really want it.

[Bernie Sanders looks at Hillary Clinton confused]

Bernie Sanders: You don’t say.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. And you know what else? I don’t really like people. I only talk to them because I want to be the president so bad. Please don’t tell. Don’t tell.

Bernie Sanders: Eee, I think they know.

Hillary Clinton: Oh Bernie, you know, we are mortal enemies but [music playing] I really admire you. So what do you say? Will you dance with me?

Bernie Sanders: Pfft! I- I can’t dance with you.

Hillary Clinton: I’ll give you three super delegates.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, let’s dance. Yeah.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders stand and start dancing]

And I’ll lead.

Hillary Clinton: Never!

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders goes around dancing on SNL stage and to the hallways. Bernie Sanders is dancing like a lady and Hillary Clinton is dancing like a gentleman.]

[They run into Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: Hey Hillary, may I cut in?

Bernie Sanders: Nah! See you Bill.

[Hillary Clinton pushes Bernie Sanders into the elevator as they are dancing on purpose and locks him there.]

[Hillary Clinton is with SNL cast members]

Hillary Clinton: Well that was fun at last.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night

Meet and Match

Brad… Beck Bennett

Beth… Kate McKinnon

Barbara… Julia Louis-Drefus

Trevor… Taran Killam

Max… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rusnitsky

[Starts with people enjoying in Meet N’ Match pub]

Brad: Okay singles, looks like we got a lot of love connections tonight. Which is what match.com, Meet N’ Match is all about. We’re winding down soon so if you need any last drink tickets, come see me, your man Brad at the host table. Now, let me hear you make some noise.

[Everybody cheering for Brad]

[space ship landing sound]

[Beth and Barbara enter the pub. They’re wearing long dresses, have long hair and both their eyes are completely black. And their voices are of male.]

Beth: Hello, we are two females from this planet.

Barbara: We must find men for dating.

Beth: I am concerned. We do not look like the human women here.

Barbara: Yes, but we must succeed in dating males. That must be your focus.

Brad: I see we’ve got some singles joining us. Get up here ladies and introduce yourselves. Sorry, them’s the rules. Oh, my god! Your eyes! Dude!

Beth: Hello, I am one Beth.

Barbara: And I am the Barbara.

Brad: Um, what are you two looking for tonight?

Barbara: Adult males for dating to produce a child.

Beth: Our kind is dying. A child can restart the world engine.

Barbara: Our twin stars are dimming. Our kind is dying. We need to produce a child now.

Beth: If a child cannot undim the bistars, our world will invert into it’s mantle.

Brad: Ay…. super weird. But we need all the girls we can get. So ladies, have fun tonight.

[Beth and Barbara walk towards Trevor and Max]

Beth: Hello, we are flirting. Now we must date.

Trevor: Woah, you move fast. Ha-ha. I’m Trevor.

Max: I’m Max and your eyes are crazy, but that’s kind of hot.

Barbara: We must date now. Our kind is dying.

[Cecily and Vanessa comes in to approach Trevor and Max

Cecily: Hey guys, um, this thing’s almost done. You guys down for an after party?

Beth: No, go! These men belong to us.

Vanessa: Um, you can’t call dibs on guys.

[Beth and Barbara start making noise and Vanessa is possessed by them and her nose is bleeding.]

Cecily: Oh my god, Paige, your nose is bleeding. Paige!

Vanessa: Who is Paige? Where am I?

[pulling her friend away]

Cecily: We’re gonna sue you!

Trevor: Whoa, damn! You girls are intense.

Max: Ay, you wanna get a drink or what?

Barbara: No, there is not time. Come with us.

[Beth and Barbara pull Trevor and Max with them]

Beth: We will date in here. Our kind is dying.

[They go through the door]

Brad: Alright, FYI, there’s a large glowing crater out front so if you go outside to smoke, watch your stepperini! Ha-ha.

[Beth and Barbara come out of the door. Trevor and Max are turned into skeletons that are behind the door.]

Beth: That did not go well. They were too weak for the act.

Barbara: The act of dating turned them into bones.

Beth: Next time, we must not destroy the male.

Barbara: Yes, we learned our lesson

[two guys approach Beth and Barbara]

Jay: Ay, so we’ve been watching you two and y’all are freak.

Jon: We like that. Can we please buy you a drink?

Beth: Yes. And then give us the child.

Jay: Yeah, we can do that.

Brad: Alright, hey Matchers, if anyone knows about the two warm skeletons in the men’s restroom, please tolerate management. In the meantime, don’t be single. Mingle! Ha-ha-ha.

[The End]

Huge Jewelry

Gabriel Balinia… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Dana Balania Zonurela… Kate McKinnon

Audrina… Cecily Strong

Valencia… Aidy Bryant

Risabella… Vanessa Bayer

Gatzora… Sasheer Zamata

Antony… Nick Jonas

[Starts with Gabriel and Dana]

Gabriel: Hello, my name is Gabriel Balinia.

Dana: And I’m Dana Balania Zonurela.

Gabriel: Here in Long Island, the only thing as big as our dreams is our family.

Dana: And our god given breasts.

[laughing]

Gabriel: But more than that, our jewelry. That’s why we are the proud sister owners of Long Island zone ‘Huge Jewelry.’

Dana: Located in a beautiful strip mole of a Jergo Turn.

Gabriel: You know, Huge Jewelry.

Dana: Do you want people to notice you but don’t care if it’s good or bad?

Gabriel: Honestly, why wear jewelry unless you can see it from space?

Dana: Right?

Gabriel: Case in point, this exquisite destiny three piece modeled my my beautiful daughter, Audrina.

[Audrina walks in with her neck and cleavage covered with jewelry]

Oh, come on! Isn’t this piece of jewelry huge? And Huge as same as good. Audrina, how do you feel in that gorgeous piece of jewelry?

Audrina: It’s crushing my windpipe.

Dana: Gabriel, I gotta say it’s absolutely gorgeous.

Gabriel: Yeah.

Dana: Gorgeous girl. That body.

Gabriel: Oh, my daughter? Gorgeous body, gorgeous girl with bang.

Dana: I bet she gets spanked all the time.

Gabriel: Well, enjoy it well at last because–

Dana: Because it’s just like they say…

Gabriel and Dana: When the body goes, the jewelry grows.

Gabriel: Audrina, why don’t you tell the viewers at home a little bit about yourself?

Audrina: My name is Audrina. I am DanaGabriel. My dream is to be a doctor or I get paid to stay next to cars. My dad!

Gabriel: Yeah, good job honey. I’ll see you at home, I’m making stuff shells.

[Audrina leaves]

You like the dress by the way, oh my god! I bought it three AM on my iPad while I waited for my back medication to kick in.

Dana: Oh, how is your back?

Gabriel: Oh, it’s bad. But doctor says it’s because of my Huger Jewelry, but I think it’s stress.

Dana: It’s definitely stress. You do too much. And speaking of too much, look at this exquisite pendant earring from Fabina Marcos and God Sons.

[Valencia walks in wearing large earrings]

Modeled by my beautiful daughter, Valencia.

Gabriel: Valencia is wearing a full J drop earring complete with a patted in bologna earring shoulder brace.

Dana: Boring earrings hang from the ear. Huge earrings are elevated by the shoulder.

Valencia: Yeah. Because otherwise the earrings will rip your earlobes straight off.

Dana: Valencia!

Valencia: What? I should know. It happened to me. Didn’t have these shoulders do my gigs and my ear ripped right through.

Dana: The doctor glued it back together. What’s the big deal? Earlobes are like your liver. You don’t need it.

Valencia: Alright, am I done? Can I go out please?

Dana: Yes. I’m so proud of you. I love you.

[Valencia leaves]

Gabriel: Oh my god! Gorgeous. She’s absolutely breathtaking. Well, our next look is my absolute favorite Huge Jewelry. It’s the Faviana Kate Collection.

Dana: Oh! Modeled by my Gatzora Katziana.

Gabriel: And my niece, Risabella.

[Risabella and Gatzora walk in wearing a necklaces having large football size pearls hanging on them. Risabella is wearing it hanging in the front and Gatzora is wearing it hanging at the back.]

Risabella: Two ways.

Gatzora: One huge piece of jewelry.

Gabriel: You can rock the pearl in the front.

Dana: Or let your pearl just hang out in the back.

Gabriel: Come on! don’t they look gorgeous? And the necklaces are only $12, how do we do that?

Dana: They’re filled with dirt.

Gabriel: Great job girls. Now you can go.

Dana: Go!

[Risabella and Gatzora leave]

Gabriel: So come on down to Huge Jewelry and also, we do men. So, please welcome my god nephew Antony Marcos Prince Mortadella.

[Antony walks in wearing a chained board that has his name written on it]

Antony: Customizable jewelry! Also, you can put whatever you want on it.

Gabriel: I mean, when did you get so hot?

Dana: I know. He used to have pimples [showing different parts of her body] here, here, here.

Gabriel: Yeah. Well no. Not anymore. Is that necklace heavy for you Antony?

Antony: Nah! Nah, I’m pretty much jacked to the max.

Gabriel: Antony, when did you get so hot?

Antony: Last May.

Gabriel and Dana: Aw!

Male voice:H uge Jewelry in Massapequa, Long Island.

Heroin AM

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[Starts with Kate passing her kids lunch boxes]

Kate: There we go sweeties.

[the kids walk away.]

I’m a mom. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t like to have fun.

[Cut to Beck driving children around]

Beck: I drive a mini-van, but I can let loose a little too.

[Cut to Julia sitting with her kid]

Julia: I wanna use heroine, but I also wanna get stuff done. That’s I reach for [showing the box] Heroine AM. The only non-drowsy heroin on the market so I can get jacked on scag and then get to work.

[Cut to Beck in the football field]

Beck: When I’ve been called timeout to inject black tar heroin, there was almost stigma about it. But with Heroin AM, I’m almost more alert than if I weren’t on heroin.

[Cut to a video showing graphs]

Female voice: Heroin use in America is steadily on the rise. But productivity among heroin users has remained stagnant.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: That’s why Heroin AM combines heroin with five milligrams of caffein and a small pile of cocaine.

[Cut to Julia]

Julia: And now available in gummy bears which you can melt down and inject.

Female voice: Side effects include: It’s heroin, so all that stuff.

[Cut to Julia with her kid]

Julia: So now I can chase a dragon while I also chase this little guy.

[playing with her son]

I’m gonna get ya’.

[her son runs to his father]

Dad: Wow, this might be the first afternoon mom doesn’t need a nap. [laughing]

[Cut to Julia laughing]

[Cut to Julia seeing her kid and her husband as monsters laughing]

[Cut to Julia laughing like a mad person and her kid and husband looking at her concerned.]

Female voice: Heroin AM, from the makers of Cocaine PM.

[Cut to Julia on a driver’s seat]

Julia: I went from nodding off to nodding yes to more heroin. [looking at the rear-view mirror] Now who’s ready for school?

[Cut to a bus full of kids]

Kids: Yes!

[The End]

Cinema Classics Marla Barlett

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

William… Taran Killam

Marla Barlett… Julia louis-Drefus

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese De’What. Tonight we look back at the career of one of golden era Hollywood’s most accomplished film actresses Marla Bartlett. Inspired by fellow actor Marlin Brando, Marla would sometimes hide snippets of her lines around the set so she could discover them in the moment and deliver them fresh. Why did she go to these lengths? I do not know. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. She said, “Guess what I want for my birthday.” And I said, “Your face from 10 years ago?” Worst IBF appointment ever! Let’s watch a scene from 1953’s classic drama ‘Women Tormented’, starring Marla Bartlett and see if you can spot where she hit he lines on the set.

[Cut to a clip from the drama ‘Women Tormented’]

William: I know you never told me to come back. But I can’t resist you, Elinor. This probably won’t mean much now but I brought you this. [puts a necklace on Marla’s neck] Just a small token of my affection. Do tell me you like it. What do you think?

[Marla looks at the mirror. There is “It’s beautiful, William.” written on the mirror.]

[Marla looks around]

Marla: It’s beautiful, William.

William: Then I suppose the only question is, what are we going to do about my wife?

[Marla runs towards the window and opens the curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “What if she went”.]

Marla: What if she went…

[Marla opens another curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “Missing”.]

missing.

[Cut to William]

William: Are you suggesting what I think you are?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks under it. There’s written “Yes”.]

[Marla walks to William]

Marla: [softly] Yes.

William: Are you positive?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks at the ‘Yes’ written under it again.]

Marla: Yes.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see any of her lines? I think I saw like, three. Was that right? [looking around] Hello? Is it just me here? Am I the only one working today? Soon, Marla was completely dependent on the hidden lines. But as filming progressed, her dark secret was exposed that she was too vein for her reading glasses. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie clip again]

William: Darling, I can’t go through with this. I love you, but we’re talking about murder.

[Marla walks away and looks behind a pot and reads.]

Marla: Murder is such a strong word.

[Marla picks up a clock and is searching for her lines]

Don’t you think?

[Marla picks up a glass of drink and starts drinking it as her line is written at the bottom of the glass.]

I certainly do.

[Marla picks up an ashtray beside the glass and reads.]

[sobbing] Made in China.

[Cut to Marla]

William: But Elinor, if we get caught it would mean the chair.

[Marla runs to William and unbuttons his shirt. There’s her lines written on his chest.]

Marla: William. Don’t be foolish. It’s too late. Far, far too late. I think we both know that. [reads her lines] And now kick me.

William: [whispering] I think it says ‘kiss me’.

Marla: [reads the lines again] No, it says kick me.

William: I guarantee it does not say ‘kick me’.

Marla: Kick me like you mean it.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see that? That other actor looked straight into the camera and gave a little mouth blow like [mimicking the mouth blow]. The director only let him kick her two times before he called cut. Let’s watch one final scene where Marla’s co-star’s frustration is clearly apparent.

[Cut to the movie clip again]

[William and Marla are standing facing each other when Kate walks in]
Kate: William, how could you?

William: Darling, I’m so sorry. But I have to do this.

[William pulls out a gun]

Kate: Oh, William, why? Why? You love me, remember? Come to your senses.

William: I’m– I’m sorry.

[William shoots at Marla and Marla falls on a piano. Marla is now looking for her lines on the fruits.]

Marla: I’ve been shot.

[Cut to William and Kate]

Kate: Are you sure?

[Marla falls and is crawling towards William and Kate]

William: Where are you going?

Marla: I need the shell that says ‘Yes’.

William: Then why don’t you just say ‘Yes’?

Marla: Shell.

[William brings the shell to her]

Marla: Yes!

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Okay, I don’t think I can do this anymore. We used to do good movies. I don’t know what happened. Well, for Cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Brooklyn Democratic Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… David Larry

Arrow Louis… Kenan Thompson

Elaine Benes… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Rachael Green… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening and welcome to the CNN Democratic Debate live from Brooklyn, New York. i am Wolf Blitzer and believe it or not i shaved five minutes ago. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to the podium]

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello Brooklyn. Whoo! I cannot wait to be your next president, if I’m elected of course. Not getting ahead of myself… in public. In private, I’ve been president for 15 years.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer.]

Wolf Blitzer: And Vermont senator, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders walks to this podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. Good for you. Good for you. I am Bernie Sanders. I am a voice for regular people. I’m not fancy. I’m not the elite. I put on my pants just like all of you. I sit on the edge of the bed and Jane pulls them up for me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Well, thank you both for making time to be here. I know it’s hard for both of you to agree on a date.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well no. Not for me, Wolf. I offered up a date right away. I said, “How about Mapril thirty-third aploo-ploo-o’clock?”

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf, I want a million debates. When people hear my message it resonates loud and clear. Because I always talk like I’m on the other side of a river.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. You recently stood by governor Cuomo as he signed a $15 minimum wage into law. So you no longer think it should be $12?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No. Wolf, I have said from the beginning that it should be a combination of 12 and/or 15.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. No you didn’t. You always said 12.

Hillary Clinton: And 15. I said 12 and/or 15.

Bernie Sanders: No. That’s not true.

Hillary Clinton: [pointing at Bernie Sanders] Yes, it is.

Bernie Sanders: [pointing at Hillary Clinton and walking a step forward towards Hillary Clinton aggressively] No, it is not.

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: No.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders start hitting each other]

[Hillary Clinton grabs Bernie Sanders by his neck and rubs her knuckle on his forehead]

Hillary Clinton: Are you feeling the Bern?

Bernie Sanders: It burns.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Secretary Clinton, come on, let him go. Let him go.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, raising both her hands as celebrating her fight victory.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s how we do it in Brooklyn, baby. Whoo! God I love Brooklyn. Brooklyn, the only place on earth where the [whispering inaudibly] is better than the [whispering inaudibly].

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. We now have a question about black issues. So for that, we turn to our black moderator, Arrow Louis.

[Wolf Blitzer leaves and Arrow Louis walks in]

[romantic music playing]

Arrow Louis: Oh, yeah, candidates. It’s time for the black question. So you know, they asked me to do it. And I’m gonna do it real good. Here we go.

[music stops]

Secretary Clinton, in 1994, you supported a crime bill that has led to the mass incarceration of many black people. Do you regret this decision?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I am laughing to give myself time to think about how to answer this question. Ha-ha. [thinking] Got it. Listen Wolf, the black community loves me. And I love them. In fact, I have two black people in my phone. Barack Obama and my husband Bill Clinton. God, I love Barack. We do every thing together. We’re always chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and [singing] shooting some b-ball outside of the school with a couple of guys, that they were up to no good.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow-wow,wow-wow. I’m gonna stop you right there. You already have the black vote. Don’t ruin it.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf! Let me just say I have supported the black community since the Rachael Green0s. I marched in Selma with Martin Luther King Jr. Did I run when they turned on the hoses? Yes. I didn’t sign up for getting wet. I’m not getting sick in Selma, I’ll tell you that.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Moving on. Secretary Clinton, many have said this campaign has gotten meaner in recent weeks. Do you think you played a part in this?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, come on Wolf. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. Just ask anyone except those close to me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, since we’re here in New York we thought it would be appropriate to take questions from some real New Yorkers in the audience.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Sure, sure, bring it on.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our first question comes from a long time New Yorker. She has worked in publishing and her name is Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes in the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, yeah, I have two questions. My first is for senator Sanders.

[Cut to split screen]

Bernie Sanders: I couldn’t hear the question.

Elaine Benes: Yeah. I didn’t ask it yet, Bernie. So listen, you’ve been pretty vague in the past, but how exactly are you gonna break up the big banks?

Bernie Sanders: You mean the big bank breakup?

Elaine Benes: Yeah, big bank breakup.

[Bernie Sanders gesturing like he’s slapping it]

Bernie Sanders: I will break em’ up!

Elaine Benes: How? How?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Once I’m elected president, I’ll have nice schvitz in the White House gym. Then I’ll go to the big banks. I’ll sit them down. And yada-yada-yada, they’ll be broken up.

[Cut to split screen]

Elaine Benes: What? No! No! You can’t yada-yada at a debate! Also, you yada-yada over the best part.

Bernie Sanders: No. I mentioned the schvitz.

Elaine Benes: Okay, secretary Clinton. [Hillary Clinton appears in place of Bernie Sanders] My question for you is don’t it suck to be the only girl in a group of guys?

Hillary Clinton: [raising both hands] Yes, it does my sister friend.

Elaine Benes: Well, don’t worry because everyone thinks you are by far the funniest. I mean, the most qualified.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Then what the hell am I?

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: You’re bald.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Bernie has gotten upset!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question is another long time New Yorker. She works in fashion and her name is Rachael Green.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Ah-ah, yeah! So, because of the, um, the uh, uh, ya, and um, what would? Yeah.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Ma’am, that wasn’t a question. And your time is up.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Oh, great! Great!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question comes from a father of six. He’s a OBGYN in Brooklyn and his name is Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: Oh, no! No! No!

Bernie Sanders: Forget that. No.

[Hillary Clinton turns around]

I need black voters but not that bad.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Then it looks like we have one final question, and we’re going back to Miss Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: Yea, senator Sanders, [Cut to split screen] you believe that the super rich should pay more in taxes.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Right. That’s right.

Elaine Benes: But wouldn’t that be bad for actors who made a lot of money on a certain very successful sitcom?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. So?

Elaine Benes: Well, I mean wouldn’t it be even worse for the person who created that sitcom? I mean, wouldn’t he lose a lot of money? Do you see what I’m saying?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Eee- yeah, yeah, yeah. You should vote for her.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Elaine Benes runs in.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s me, yes. And…

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Elaine Benes: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Weekend Update Deenie

Colin Jost

Deenie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The much talked about mini series, the People VS OJ Simpson end of this week, here with a wrap up is somebody’s mom, Deenie.

[Deenie slides in chewing something. She has food in the box she has in her hand.]

Hi Deenie, how are you?

Deenie: I’m sort of warm by my schoop neck. These lights are so hot. I’m sweating like a mouse at a cat show. Yikes! [looking at Colin Jost] Gosh, you look hunky tonight, huh? Wow, you look like, what’s his face? The guy on the show with the girl with the red bob.

Colin Jost: I– Thank you. [Deenie is eating] So, Deenie, do you wanna give us recap on the OJ mini series?

Deenie: Oh, yea, yea. [Cut to Deenie] I didn’t get through all of it yet coz I had to finish my subs first. Boy, are they ever getting good. Oh, man! Are you up to date? [Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost] Coz I don’t wanna spoil anything.

Colin Jost: No. No. I’m all behind.

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Okay. So the whole family turned on mustache and he went to jail. And now red head is walking the fall out shelter with mustache’s twin brother no-mustache. But just when they were getting real cozy, it turned into the Nancy in funeral.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: This was the soap opera?

Deenie: Yes.

Colin Jost: Okay. And then did you watch OJ?

Deenie: Oh, and then I was about to, [Cut to Deenie] but then I spilled tuna casserole on my freaking clicker. And it kept going through the People VS BJ Simpson. And I couldn’t get out of it.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what happened then?

Deenie: Well, first off, [Cut to Deenie] two tan guy and dead eyes start a real show.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, wait. Hold on. So you just watched a porn?

Deenie: Well, I didn’t have my glasses on. But it sounded like someone was plunging a toilet and getting real fresh.

Colin Jost: Okay. What are you eating by the way? It looks like you’re really enjoying.

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Yeah. It’s Brussel’s sprouts and imitation crab.

Colin Jost: Oh, it’s good combo.

Deenie: Brussel’s sprouts are a riot. Coz they smell like a fart but they actually tastes like a burp.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s a good–

Deenie: You want one?

Colin Jost: Oh, I shouldn’t.

Deenie: You want me to save you one or two of these stink-bumps so you can pop in during the commercial?

Colin Jost: Really cool, but thank you. That’s–

[Deenie puts a piece of her food on the table for Colin Jost]

So tempting but…

[Colin Jost picks the food up with his pen and throws it behind]

Deenie: Yeah, put it away. Save it.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’ll save it.

Deenie: It’ll be good later.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Did you ever end up watching– [laughing] Did you ever end up watching OJ by the way?

Deenie: I was doing Thomas Kinkade puzzles of the light house at the same time. But I got the jisp.

Colin Jost: Well do you wanna give us the jisp?

Deenie: Yea, sure, sure. [Cut to Deenie] Okay, so I watch one where show me the money try down to glove the trunk and then curly head got really mad at black Mr. Clean. And then stunk hair from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. kept bringing up the Jews.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, I think that was Robert Kardashian. And I think he was saying ‘Juice’.

Deenie: Oh, okay. [Cut to Deenie] Well, all I know is that I figured out who did it in the first five minutes. You’d have to be a dumb ass not to get that one.

Colin Jost: And what show are you gonna watch next?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: I’m starting to watch that one with the dark hair and worry word and crazy hair and the woman who looks at all of them like she wants to hit them with her car.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Ah, I’m gonna guess, Sienfield?

Deenie: No, the Election.

Colin Jost: Oh, the Election. Yea. Deenie, everyone.

[The End]

Preparation H Advanced Gel

Jon Rudnitsky

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with two couples waiting for their table in a restaurant]

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Please follow me. Your table is ready.

[As everyone walk towards the table, Ron stops.]

Kate: You coming?

Ron: I’ll be there in a second. You go on ahead.

Kate: Okay.

[Beck is looking Ron from behind]

Beck: Hey, man. Hurts to sit down?

Ron: Ah, yeah.

Beck: Burns?

Ron: Yeah.

Beck: You need to try this.

[Beck gives Ron a small package of gel]

It’s a Preparation H Advanced Gel for fast acting relief.

Ron: And this stuff works?

Beck: Yeah. It works.

Male voice: Preparation H Advanced Gel offers maximum strength solutions fo all hemorrhoid symptoms. Don’t let pain stop you from being

[Cut to the two couple enjoying their meal at the table]

Ron: So I loosen my tie, and now I am dancing with the mother of the bride.

[Everyone laughs]

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey, man. Did that stuff I gave you help your butt?

Ron: Excuse me?

Beck: The hemorrhoid cream I gave you at the bar. Did it end up helping your butt?

Ron: [whispering] What are you doing?

Beck: Your butt was on fire when we met.

[Beck walks away]

Male voice: Preparation H Advanced Gel. Because you’re on the move and in the groove.

[Cut to Ron and Kate dancing]

Kate: What’s got into you? I’ve never seen you dance before.

Ron: Well, you better get used to it coz I have a feeling I’m gonna be dancing a whole lot more from now on.

[Ron looks at the camera and winks]

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey, I’ve been looking all over for you. You need any more ass cream?

[Ron’s friends stop dancing and are looking at Ron]

Ron: Dude, honestly get away from me.

Beck: I gave you a hot tip and you pretend like you don’t even know me? I saved your bacon, man! [Ron’s friends are looking at them and they are confused] Yeah Ron Head hemorrhoid problem, I do too. Bad. [Beck looks at the camera] That’s why I told Ron about Preparation H. [smiles]

Male voice: Preparation H, the re–

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hey, Ron, come with me. I gotta put more cream on.

Ron: What?

Beck: I need you to stand in front of the bathroom door. There’s no lock on the door and a girl just walked in on me laying down on the ground with her legs over my head creaming up.

Ron: I am not doing that.

Beck: You’re my best friend.

Male voice: Preparation H. Hemorrhoids fade, friends are forever.

[Beck pulls Ron to the toilet]

Beck: Come on. Stop crapping around.