Tag: Kate McKinnon

Hillary Clinton Addresses Her Losing Streak Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Hillary Clinton message announcement.]

Male voice: And now, a message from Hillary Clinton following her recent string of losses.

[Cut to 1 sitting on a sofa]

Speaker 1: [laughing] Hello, America. It’s true, I have not been winning as of light. In fact, I have not won a state in almost three weeks because that was the plan. I didn’t wanna win those so I didn’t. It doesn’t bother me one bit. I’m not rattled. Like the old ones say, you win some, you — bleh! Excuse me. You lea– sorry. You win some, you lea– some. Close enough. Besides, who can remember how many states I’ve lost in a row? Is it two? Is it three?

[2 walks in]

Speaker 2: Hey, Mrs. Clinton. I’m here to fix seven holes in your wall.

[2 walks by]

Speaker 1: Come to think of it, it might be seven. And that’s fantastic. It humanizes me. I’m the underdog now. I’m this selection’s Rudy. And I like that. After all, I don’t want to be a big old B and win every single state. That’s no fun. But enough about the past. It’s time to look forward to the future. And right now, my focus is here in New York. God, I love being back in the fat apple, my home stage. Except for Illinois and Arkansas, but they  already voted for me so we cool, we cool. And gosh, New York has been cold this week, hasn’t it? In fact my head is getting a little chilly. I better put on my favorite hat that I’ve worn so many times over the years. [1 pulls out a NY cap and wears it] Here we go. That will keep me warm while I eat my favorite dinner, a classic New York city street hotdog. [1 pretends like she’s eating a hotdog] What a delicious bite that was. And for dessert, all you New Yorkers know that I am just nuts for Nuts. And later tonight, I’m gonna take in that hot new broadway show that’s got all of NYC a buzz, Chicago. But you know what my favorite part about New York is? The subway. I love to ride it. I am comfortable riding it. In fact, here’s me using it earlier today.

[Cut to video clip of 1 in the subway]

The New York City subway is the best way to get around. [she is not familiar with how the metro card works.] I guess it’s been a while. This isn’t working, metro card. I’ll just go in the old fashioned way. [She climbs over] I’ll take a cab. Cab is the best way to get around.

[Cut back to 1 sitting on a sofa]

So see New Yorkers? I’m just like all of you. I never sleep. I’m in a hurry to get to work. When I’m running, I really hate it when a slow old jew gets in my way.

[alarm beeping]

Oh, there is my alarm. Time to turn my hat around. Here we go. Oh, god. I love those New York meats. So to all of my supporters here in New York, please remember to get out there next Tuesday and cast your vote for me. And to all of you young people in New York, let me say this. Funny is for nerds. I mean, who cares? Just leap in. I’m sure you’re all hungover from your templar parties anyway. And to Suzan Sarandon who said Trump might better for America than me, why don’t you take Tuesday to go driver off another cliff? Now listen, I know Bernie may be tempting some of you. He’s honest, she’s shouted as it is, and even a cute little bird landed on his podium that one time, that was politics for all day. But guess what? I’ve got a winged friend of my own.

[1 pulls out a raven from the back]

She is the three-eyed raven from the Game of Thrones. And her message is clear. If you don’t vote for me on April nineteenth, winter is coming. [1 throws the raven away] And finally everyone, I know this week, a pesky little you know what, said I wasn’t qualified to be president, but here’s the truth. I would be the strongest candidate to go up against Donald Trump face to face, or go up against Ted Cruz face to whatever it is you call that up there. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Game Of Thrones FIRST LOOK

Randy… Bobby Moynihan

Director… Jon Rusnitsky

Peter Dinklage

Emilia Clarke… Kate McKinnon

Joe Leuci… Kyle Mooney

Iain Glen… Taran Killam

[Starts with shooting set of Game of Thrones]

[Cut to Peter and Emilia]

Peter: Hi HBO. I’m Peter Dinklage, A.K.A. Tyrion Lannister.

Emilia: And I’m Emilia Clarke, A.K.A. Daenerys Targarian, mother of dragons. And this is your first look at Game of Thrones, season 6.

Peter: Season 6 finds Tyrion in the service of Daenerys Targarian. And that means I finally get some screen time with those scene stealers, the dragons.

[Cut to the shooting]

Director: Action!

Peter: Citizens!

[Randy come in with dragon costume on making dragon noises]

Citizens, do not be alarmed, citizens. He is our friend. Drogon is here to protect you.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Well, the Mov-Cap technology allows the director to see the finished product as we’re shooting in real time which is pretty phenomenal.

[Cut to shooting]

Peter: Well, he didn’t inherit your looks but he certainly has your temper.

Director: Good job Peter. Why don’t we just do that once more.

[Randy is staring at Peter]

Peter: What are you doing?

Randy: I was just being intense.

Peter: You’re looking at my face.

Randy: Oh, okay. I’ll close my eyes.

[Cut to Iain Glen]

Iain: Season 6, they’ve really pulled all the the stops. I mean, some of these effects they’re doing are just truly incredible.

[Randy is spitting out water for the fire effect]

I’ve seen really unbelievable stuffs.

[Cut to shooting]

It would be wise to trade lightly with me, boy. War is not a game.

[Randy uncovers his fave behind Iain]

Randy: Of Thrones!

Director: Okay, cut! Randy.

Randy: Yeah.

Director: I think I just heard you say something.

Randy: Nope. I didn’t say anything.

Director: You said “Of thrones” after he said–

Randy: Check the playback. I didn’t say a word.

[Cut to Iain]

Iain: Season 6 has a lot of surprises in store. It’s bigger, better, bloodier.

[Cut to Randy during the shoot]

Randy: Hey, are we gonna get a bathroom break anytime soon? I gotta… bust a piss.

Director: It takes like, half hour to get you in and out of that suit. You think you can hold it for a bit?

Randy: Yea, no sweat.

Director: Cool. Great.

[Cut to Emilia. Behind her, Randy is drying his suit as he pissed on them.]

Emilia: This season– I can’t say too much without getting in trouble but let’s just say that Daenerys finds herself rather conflicted between two different good–

[Cut to shooting]

You’ll only bring pain to this kingdom Drogo. You have to go.]

[Randy makes dragon sound and then opens the door and walks out]

Director: Okay. Halt. Come back. A dragon wouldn’t just open the door. You just exit frame, okay?

Randy: I can’t hear you but I was gonna say a dragon shouldn’t go through the door. I’m just gonna exit frame, okay?

[Cut to the set]

Iain: Here we are. We’re currently setting up for the pivotal moment where Daenerys leads a dragon into battle for the first time.

[They’re pulling Randy upward]

Randy: Ou! Ou! Ou! I’m sorry. Ou!

Director: Put him down.

Randy: No, it’s pinching it.

Director: Are you okay?

Randy: Wait! Stop, stop, stop. Don’t. Don’t.

Director: Why don’t we just bring you down?

Randy: Just leave me. I need a minute.

[Cut to clips from Game of Thrones]

Peter: Thank you for watching HBO first look. And remember, it’s..

[Randy walks in]

Randy: It’s Game of Thrones.

Peter: HBO.

Randy: HBO.

[Cut to the set. Randy is hanging and there’s a man who is cutting the ropes loose.]

Wait, what is that for? No, wait. Wait. Wait.

[Randy falls flat on the ground]

[The End]

At This Hour Cold Open

Kate Bolduan… Kate McKinnon

Scottie Nell Nughes… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with At This Hour intro]

[Cut to Kate in her set]

Kate: Welcome back. Thank you. Welcome back to At This Hour. I am Kate Bolduan. I’ve got the brain for MSNBC but the hair for FOX News. So here I am at CNN. It’s been another bad week for Donald Trump with women. Joining me to talk about it from the tea-party news network is Donald Trump defender, Scottie Nell Nughes.

[Cut to Scottie in her set]

Scottie: Hi Kate. As a woman I like Donald Trump but as a full blown nut job, I freaking love him.

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: But as a woman, how can you keep defending Mr. Trump? He retweeted a sexist, unflattering photo of Ted Curz’s wife.

Scottie: Okay. So, no– So, okay– So, no– [Cut to Scottie] So actually, so that was an accident okay? Coz Donald’s are just so big, he can’t see every little tweet his fingers retweet. I mean, his hands are this big. Flaccid!

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: That’s your actual answer?

Scottie: That is what I have picked. Yes. And let’s not forget, Heidi Cruz is no angel. She has been arrested.

Kate: That’s not true.

Scottie: Yes, it is. Donald told me she is so fat, she was arrested for having 10 pounds of crack.

Kate: I believe that’s a ‘yo mama’ joke. Alright, let’s just move on. Donald Trump also said that women who get abortions should be ‘punished’. How do you defend that?

[Cut to Scottie]

Scottie: Okay. Okay. So, no– So, okay– So, what that is is was Donald was just making an April fools joke coz it was April fools.

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: Said that on March 30th.

Scottie: [laughing] And that is why it is so funny. I mean, Kate, of course Donald loves women. He is a father to a woman.

Kate: Okay, well, we actually have a clip of Donald talking about his daughter from a rally this morning. Let’s watch.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I just gotta say, isn’t my daughter Ivanka the best? She’s so smart, so talented, and what a rack! And she just had a baby. So can you imagine that rack now? It is just tremendous.

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Kate: Ew!

Scottie: No. Okay, no– So, that was beautiful. You’re just trying to work it but is it worth it? You put his thing down, flipped it and reversed it.

Kate: What?

Scottie: At least Donald is talking about women. I mean he is creating a dialog about women.

Kate: Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. Let’s go back to that rally and check in on that dialog.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: When I say ‘women’, you say ‘suck’. Women.

Public: Suck!

Donald Trump: Women.

Public: Suck!

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Scottie: Okay, well, some women do suck, okay? What about Casey Anthony? Are you telling me Casey Anthony does not suck? Coz I am close friends with her and she is always late. She sucks!

Kate: Okay, well Scottie, I don’t know how you’re gonna be able to defend this next thing.

Scottie: I’ll be able to.

Kate: But there has been a lot of violence at Trump’s rallies recently. His campaign manager was arrested for assaulting a woman. A young girl was pepper sprayed.

Scottie: Donald Trump does not personally condone violence.

Kate: Really? Okay, well let’s just randomly see what’s happening right now at his rally.

[Cut to Donald Trump punching a guy in his face several times]

Guy: [yelling] I am voting for you!

[Donald Trump punches him few more times]

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Scottie: Okay. Clearly, that man had a bee on his face and Donald was just trying to punch his off for him. 10 times.

Kate: Really, Scottie? A bee? Now we’re talking about a bee?

Scottie: Yeah, we sure are. You can’t break me Kate, because I’m crazy. And crazy don’t break. And Kate, I know that you agree with me on three things when it comes to Trump. One, he is drop dead gorgeous.

Kate: No.

Scottie: Two, he is bringing trade back so we can make American grapes again.

Kate: That’s not– That’s so wrong.

Scottie: And three, he is way better than Ted Cruz.

Kate: Okay, yes. That I do agree. And…

Kate and Scottie: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Singing Nuns

Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Maria… Ariana Grande

[Starts with The Sound of Music intro]

Male voice: We now return to our special presentation of The Sound of Music.

[Cut to five nuns]

Vanessa: Where is sister Maria? She’s late for chore time.

Sasheer: And she has missed her morning prayers.

Aidy: Oh, what are we going to do about that girl?

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee

Vanessa: Her dress has got a chair

Sasheer: She walks on her way to mass
and whistles on the stairs

Kate: And underneath, she has colors in her hair

Cecily: I’ve even her singing in the Abby

All: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find the word that means Maria?

Sasheer: A-flidibi-dibid

Cecily: A will of the wiz?

Kate: A clown.

All: How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Aidy: How do you? In your hand?

[Maria walks in]

Maria: Wow! Good to hear this, a bunch of nuns singing smack about me.

Aidy: Oh, Maria, we didn’t see you there.

Maria: Yeah, I know you didn’t. But I heard everything. And you thought Maria was a problem before? Well, buckle up.

Aidy: Goodness, you’re being a bit sensitive, Maria. We weren’t saying anything negative about you.

Maria: Oh, yeah? Then what’s the song called?

Vanessa: Well, it doesn’t really have a name.

Maria: Do no play with me right now!

Vanessa: Fine. It’s called ‘How do you solver a problem like Maria?’

Maria: Wow!

Cecily: What wow? It’s not about you. It’s about a different Maria. Maria Gutsn Schwertzn Wartz.

Maria: Nun, please, I know ya’ll sing shade about me all the time.

Kate: This is the first and only time we’ve ever sang it.

Maria: So you guys just made up that four part harmony with light choreography on the spot? Okay…

Aidy: But weren’t we merely discussing how to best guide our youngest sister on our path.

Maria: Nun, why are you coming for me so?

Aidy: What? What is this thing that you’re doing with your hands?

Maria: It’s a thing I made up so people know when I’ve had it. And y’all nuns are about to get red!

Aidy: Well, [clapping and hand gesturing like Maria] I think you’re being a very rude person.

Maria: Well, it’s your fault for calling me a will of the wisp and I know what that word means.

Sasheer: Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s like, you know hen you call your friend a will of the wiz? It’s more like, “Oh, you my will of the wiz girl!”

Cecily: Yea, yea, yea. That’s what we say to each other. It’s empowering, right? My will of the wiz?

Vanessa: Oh, see? That’s all that we were saying, Maria.

Maria: Um-hmm. I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get to my chores.

[Maria leaves]

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] Unpredictable as weather

All: Flappy as a feather

Cecily: She’s a darling, she’s a demon, she’s a–

[Maria comes in running]

Maria: Wow! I was literally gone for two seconds.

Kate: Okay, fine! We confess it, Maria. We talk about you. But you give us no choice.

[music playing]

[singing] You cry–

Maria: Wow! Stop starting the song. You know what? I don’t need this. I got hooked up with a babysitting seven children which literally sounds like a vacation compared to living with you virgins.

[music playing]

[singing] Which will leave us all to,
bye-bye-bye-bye-bye
Maria, out!

Cecily: Well, I have a feeling nun of us will miss her. Nun. You guys get it?

Aidy: Oh, you’re so bad.

[laughing]

[The End]

Mermaids

Taran Killam

Corel…Ariana Grande

Oceana… Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Smith… Beck Bennet

Shud… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’]

Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. By fishing boat captain, Deacon Pritchard, 1906.  [The book opens] Caught in a storm, my crew and I were flown overboard, sent to a watery grave. But the next morning, we woke on our boat deck. The circumstances of our rescue, not to be believed.

[Cut to three men waking up]

Taran: I am alive. But who plucked from the sea?

[Corel comes out. She’s a mermaid.]

Corel: I did.

Taran: My god!

[Oceana appears next to Bobby]

Oceana: And I saved you.

Bobby: Can’t be.

[Cut to Smith]

Smith: And who is my enchanting rescuer?

[Shud comes out. She looks really ugly.]

Shud: Me, man.

Smith: Oh my god, what is that?

Shud: I’m a mermaid, man!

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: I am Oceana.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: And I am Corel

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: My name is Shud.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: It’s just like in the story books. Half woman, half fish.

Corel: Blue fish to be exact.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: I am part Marlin.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Me? I’m working with about 35% woman, 65% blab fish.

Smith: Oh, god! What are blab fish?

Shud: We live on the sea floor deep in the Mariana Trench. Made only of jellyton, hence my sleek sheen. And here’s a picture of my mom for reference.

[Shud shows Smith a picture of an ugly fish]

Gorgeous. That was her on her wedding day. I have her looks, thank god.

Smith: My mermaid blows.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: Now, I believe in love at first sight for you are the most beautiful creature I have ever laid my eyes upon, Corel.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: My sweet Oceana, you’ve captured my heart with a mere flutter of your eyelash.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: I’m waiting.

Smith: Ah, you’re so big, Shud.

Shud: Oh, thanks man. Excuse me, I need to take a breath.

[Shud makes weird exhaling noises]

Nailed it. Thank you.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: Ah! Sweet ocean maidens, I would do anything for you to walk with us upon the land.

Corel: There is a way. All it takes is a kiss.

Taran: Yes. Yes, of course.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: It would be an honor.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Smith: Can I just give her cash?

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: Now my sisters, let’s recite the enchanted spell. If a mermaid kisses a human male, a pair of legs shall replace her tail.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: And once she walks on land above, she will find her one true love.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: A blab fish has two mouths. One for breathing and one for food absorption. The human male should kiss the food mouth which consist of the whole face in front ass.

Smith: Can I give a hug, or like a high-five? This chick takes dumbs out of her mouth.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: We are sea sisters. Therefore, all of us must receive a kiss for the spell to work.

Taran: You kiss her Smith. That’s an order.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, just kiss your blab fish, Smith!

[Bobby kisses Oceana and Oceana starts singing]

[Cut to Taran and Corel. Taran kisses Corel and Corel starts singing.]

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Open wider!

[Smith and Shud kiss. Shud stats singing the Lion King chant.]

That was hot.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: When we reach shore, our transformation will be complete.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: We are your’s forever.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Blab fish lives about a 175 years, FYI.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: We shall marry this evening. Set a coarse for the shore.

[Cut to everybody]

Corel: We’ll see you there.

[Corel and Oceana gets back to the water]

Shud: Mating wise, usually a male attaches to my body and I absorb his gonet. And then his body fuses to my sheen. But we’ll figure something out.

Smith: Wow, it’s so nice for you to help work out a way that my nut will melt off.

Shud: I’ll see you soon baby.

[Shud fats]

Hey, are you looking down my shirt?

Smith: Ew, no!

[Cut to the book closes]

Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jennifer Lawrence… Ariana Grande

Tilds Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Javier Bardem… Beck Bennett

Idris Elba… Jay Pharoah

Quentin Tarantino… Taran Killam

Martin Scorsese… Jon Rudnitsky

Woody Allen… Kyle Mooney

Kevin Smith… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud celebrity edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, okay. Okay now, welcome to celebrity Family Feud. This is one of our four different day time shows at I host. Every one of them is playing right now in that little TV that you can watch while you’re pumping your gas. Alright, today we got great actors versus great directors. Okay, on the actors side talks like a man but PH balance for a woman is Jennifer Lawrence.

[Cut to Jennifer Lawrence]

Jennifer Lawrence: They told me not to do game show but I was like, “Screw it. I can have fun. I’m a regular person.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you say you’re a regular person more than any regular person I know. Alright next, she’s one of the top actresses in all of outer space, Tilds Swinton.

[Cut to Tilds Swinton]

Tilds Swinton: I want a Mafter, that’s a bafter they give on moon.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, whatever you say David boy. Alright, next from no country for old men, say hello to Javier Bardem.

[Cut to Javier Bardem]

Javier Bardem: It is a wonderful thing to play this game. I am very aroused by competiton.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh. Oh, you spicy little pot of pie, ain’t you? Okay, and finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of this person. But he was in a movie called ‘Beast of no nation’. Let me try to pronounce this right. Mellis Dellis.

[Cut to Idris Elba]

Idris Elba: Um, actually the name is Idris Elba mite. You know, I’ve been around.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, it’s all clicks and buzzes, player. Let’s go to the directors side. He’s a maniac who has made some of my favorite movies, Quentin Tarantino.

[Cut to Quentin Tarantino]

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, hey, thanks Steve. Yeah. You know, this is good. It’s sort of like spaghetti western, right? But there’s surprises at the end.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, take it down player. For us, it’s 10 in the morning, but for you it’s day three. Okay, next we got the director of Raging Bull and Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese.

[Cut to Martin Scorsese]

Martin Scorsese: Great to be here, Steve. Really, really great. Love the suit. Classic styling. I love it. I love it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I’m a big fan of your work. I loved you as the grandfather in Up. Next, you know him from Hannah and her sisters, and that whole thing where he went on head to merit his daughter. Woody Allen.

[Cut to Woody Allen]

Woody Allen: Thank you Steve. And while I appreciate your comprehensive introduction, what’s past is past. Both parties– Let’s move on.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Whatever you say Big Love. And finally, from Jay and Silent Bob, it’s Kevin Smith.

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Hello folks, it’s the fat man on Batman. Thanks for having me on the podcast, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Podcast? Are you high right now?

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, well, okay then player. I’ll meet you at the parking lot after the show. Well, give me two players. Let’s play the feud.

[Steve Harvey walks to the game stage and Jennifer Lawrence and Quentin Tarantino follow him]

How are you all feeling?

Jennifer Lawrence: Pretty good, man.

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, really great. Really great. I think great man!

Steve Harvey: You know, you two look like you should switch voices. Alright, 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a bad habit that you just can’t quit.

[Jennifer Lawrence presses the buzzer]

Jennifer.

Jennifer Lawrence: I’m just like it’s an alcoholic. I mean, I love Pringles. If no one’s looking, I’ll eat like, a whole can. Like, everyday is my cheat day. You know what I mean?

Steve Harvey: Oh, how annoyingly relate-able. Show me another pretty girl says she likes to eat.

[The game board shows ‘Snacks’]

[right answer bell]

Oh, number one, it’s up there. Alright, let’s go to the actors side. Okay, Tilds Swinton, what’s a bad habit you just can’t quit?

Tilds Swinton: Feasting on the blood of innocent. I’m kidding. Cookies.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a curious little woodpecker. Show me, vampires got to feed.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! Not there. Javier Bardem, bad habit you just can’t quit.

Javier Bardem: Ha-ha-ha. This one is very obvious, you know? Beautiful women.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a hopeless romantic, huh?

Javier Bardem: Yeah.

Steve Harvey: Show me, gotta get that ass!

[wrong answer buzzer]

I’m sorry player. Let’s go over to black Jason Statham, a bad habit you just can’t quit.

Idris Elba: I don’t know, mite. You know, gotta stop running around the pubs, you know? Caught down a bit. That’s shit, blood. You know?

Steve Harvey: Might as well be under water. Show me something that might be England.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Alright, the directors with the chance to steal. A bad habit you just can’t quit.

Kevin Smith: Podcast!

[the directors are saying their answer cross-talking]

Steve Harvey: Okay, all good answers. But Quentin Tarantino, it’s up to you.

Quentin Tarantino: Well, there’s so many possibilities here, right Steve? I mean, but the thing is you can’t look at the possibilities man. You have to look at your own unique reality. So, for me, that’s like trying for perfection every time, man! do you get that Steve? Do you get what I’m saying?

Steve Harvey: Oh, I hear you player. Yeah I know what you’re exactly trying to say. Show me cocaine.

[The game board shows ‘Drugs’]

[right answer bell]

Oh! Well, I guess drugs are the answer. The directors win like always. We’re gonna take a break. When we come back, I’ll give you a sneak preview of my new show that I’m hosting where kids fight each other on the stage. We’ll see y’all in a minute.

Murder Interrogation

Mr. Duflapy… Kenan Thompson

Inspector… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Mr. Westin… Jonah Hill

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

[Starts with some people being gathered by inspector in a castle]

Mr. Duflapy: Alright inspector, why have you called us here? My train departs in an hour.

Inspector: No one’s going anywhere as currently your host Mr. Foxso lies in his bedroom dead from a bullet wound making one of you a murderer.

Cecily: Well, this is ridiculous. I’m an American. I have rights.

Mr. Westin: Yes, inspector. Please do get to the point.

Inspector: Of course. All I need to know is where each of you were this evening between the hours of 6:30 and eight pm.

Kate: I was plucking the feathers from the pheasant and putting little carrots in his throat and onions in it’s bum, the way Mr. Foxso prefers. Sweet to the top and savory in the ass.

Aidy: And I saw her on the way to the rose garden.

Mr. Duflapy: Where she saw me doing my kind of things and my deep knee bends.

Cecily: And we were at the library having intercourse on the table. I’m not ashamed, I’m an American.

Beck: Indeed.

Inspector: Well, then Mr. Westin, it seems that everyone has been accounted for except for you.

Mr. Westin: To be honest inspector, I can’t even recall where I was between 6:30 to eight.

Kate: I just remembered something. While I was plucking that pheasant, I heard 24 separate toilet flushes in a span of 90 minutes coming from Mr. Westin’s bathroom. Does that help your investigation?

Inspector: Hmm, it is curious. Does that sound familiar to you Mr. Westin?

Mr. Westin: [laughing] It really doesn’t. I would recall doing something like that.

Cecily: I just remembered something too. While in the library, we could hear the pipes through the wall sounding as if they were handling something they had never handled before. It was almost as if they were crying.

Mr. Westin: Okay, I fear like, this is hanging in a direction I’m not comfortable with. Maybe we should look for fingerprints.

Aidy: Wait! I can’t believe I forgot this but I heard a terrible groaning and someone muttering, “No, no, no, this is too much. There are people around. Why today? I did this already this morning.” Does that help with the murder inspector?

Mr. Westin: What are you doing to me?

Mr. Duflapy: The geese!

Inspector: What about the geese, Mr. Duflapy.

Mr. Duflapy: Well, it was the strangest thing. I was doing my back bends so I was facing the sky when I noticed two hands open Mr. Westin’s bathroom window. At the same moment, a flock of geese flew by the very same window and drops dead instantly.

Mr. Westin: I didn’t kill geese.

Kate: Well, the geese were dead. They were all lying there with their little wings over their noses and their eyes were crossed.

Mr. Westin: Geese can’t cross their eyes.

Beck: Actually they can. I studied them in the Island. Geese will cross their eyes when confronted with physical horror.

Mr. Westin: This has nothing to do with the murder. He was killed downstairs. God!

Cecily: Downstairs? Well, wait a second. I do remember now seeing the char remains of men’s white underpants as well as trousers. It was as if someone burnt them in shame and ran out of the room as I entered.

Mr. Westin: This is ridiculous.

Inspector: Mr. Westin! When exactly did you change in to these women’s lace bloomers?

Aidy: Why? Those are mine!

Inspector: It almost looks ex– pardon me! It looks like you had to replace your trousers suddenly. Do you care to explain, Mr. Westin?

Mr. Westin: [yelling] Alright! I was in the bathroom for hour and half going through a catastrophe.

Beck: What is the state of the bathroom at this time?

Mr. Westin: Oh, my god! Not good! Okay? I will take care of it. And P.S., there’s still a murder on the loose. Do we still care about that?

Inspector: Oh, there is no murderer on the loose. She is sitting right next to me.

[Inspector catches Kate by her arm]

Kate: I’ve done it. Walk me away.

Inspector: It was obvious because there was gun powder on the pheasant.

Cecily: Inspector, you’re a genius.

Mr. Westin: You’re fanny whore. You knew that entire time she did it and yet we spent time making me a monster for something everyone does in the bathroom.

Mr. Duflapy: But it was just so extreme.

Mr. Westin: I know! I know, I was there. I was scared. And now I don’t know how to boat. I just remember, I didn’t drive here. So I need a ride to town. So, who’s going to be cool? It could be anybody.

[Everyone just leaves the room]

Okay, so everyone’s just breaking into groups and walking away talking. Great!

[The End]

 

CNN Election Center Cold Open

Jake… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with Jake in his set]

Jake: It’s been a crazy week in politics. So, as tonight’s election results continue to roll in, let’s take a look back at past seven days. Donald Trump was endorsed by governor Chris Christie and dominated super Tuesday. Here’s what he had to say at the celebratory press conference.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Chris Christie]

Donald Trump: What a great, great night. I really am running the best campaign, aren’t I? The media is saying they haven’t seen anything like this. Not since Germany in the 1930s. I mean, everyone loves me. Racists, ugly racists, people who didn’t even know they were racists, people who’s eyes are like this, [making faces], and this guy loves me, don’t you? [talking to the audience] Wait, what’s that? Get him out! As I was saying, everyone loves me. I even got this fat piece of crap behind me now. [pointing at Chris Christie] Isn’t that right, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: I mean, he really is a sad desperate little potato back there. Aren’t you, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: No. Go get on a plane. Go home.

Chris Christie: Okay. You got it.

[Chris Christie leaves]

Donald Trump: Also, P.S. America, I have a great, big, huge dick.

[Cut to Jake in his set]

Jake: Alright viewers, I know this is gonna be boring, but let’s take a quick look at the democrats. Tonight is shaping up to be a big night for Bernie, but Hillary Clinton scored big on super Tuesday. Here’s a clip of her thanking supporters.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. There are many black people standing behind her.]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, hello. Hello. Thank you. I’d just like to say, thank the f-ing lord! I won seven states tonight and to celebrate, I bought myself this brand new storm trooper coat. And to everyone who voted for me, thank you for trusting that I, Hillary Clinton, can bring this country together. Just like I brought these 10 black people and one Muslim person together behind me tonight for this speech. Yes! I hear these people are great, they are strong, they’re beautiful and they’ve all been punched in the nose at the Trump rally. And speaking of Trump, he is on track to become the Republican nominee. So, to all of you voters our there who have thought for years “I hate Hillary, I can never vote for her”, to you I say, “Welcome.” Coz I’ve got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and here you are stuck in the middle with me! Yes!

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Powerful speech. Now, let’s get back to the fun stuff, the republicans. Tonight’s election results are in and here to talk about his big win is senator Ted Cruz. Caution: We’re about to show his whole face on the screen. So viewer discretion is advised.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello, Jake.

[Jake gets scared looking at his face]

Jake: Still got me even though I knew it was coming.

Ted Cruz: Happens to everyone.

Jake: Now, senator. Tonight you beat Trump in both Kansas and Maine which was a huge upset.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: That’s right. I beat him good. And when I beat someone, it hurts because I still wear my big ugly class ring. [showing the ring he’s wearing on his finger] Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. I’m one of those guys.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But you did still lose tonight in Kentucky and Louisiana.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: And that’s okay. I still love those states like they’re my own children. An Just like my own children, tonight those states said, “Ew, gross. I hate you.”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Now senator, let’s talk quickly about Thursday’s GOP debate which many called ‘Craze Balls’.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, yes. The debate was so much fun. I talked policy. I laid out my plan for America. And right at the end, I ate a tiny little white booger off my lip.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Yes, that was absolutely disgusting.

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha. I know, right? [laughing]

Jake: Alright, thank you senator. [Cut to Jake] And finally joining us now, he came out strong against Donald Trump. With the unprecedented public address on Thursday, 2012 presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. Hello governor.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Jake. Hi, Jake. Thanks for having me. Now, that’s right America, I’m back. You didn’t ask for it but you got it.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Mitt Romney]

Jake: Now governor, why have you decided to speak out against Donald Trump?

Mitt Romney: Well Jake, for the last nine months, I’ve sat down and watched Donald Trump say something every day that was either racist or sexist. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And we in the GOP, the party of the great Ronald Regan, we do not say racist and sexist things. We imply them, shuttly over decades and decades of policy. So I felt that I had to take matters into my own tanned well manicured hands and follow the advise of my favorite rapster, Macklemore. That’s right. And I chose to put Donald Trump on blast. America, he’s a fool.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Four years ago, he endorsed you for president.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Like I said, he’s a fool. He’s a fraud. He’s a scam. He’s a what? He’s a what? He’s a flimflam man. Now, if you vote for Donald Trump, and I hate to use a curse word on television, but if you vote for him, you’re a sucker. Aw, forgive me Joseph Smith. Oh, boy.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Wow. You are pretty riled up.

Mitt Romney: Yeah. You’re gosh darn right I am. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And that’s why on last Thursday, I rolled up my $1,000 monogram sleeves, I took a couple of shots of non-alcoholic kahlua, I did 10 women’s pushups and then I went out there and I gave the most aggressive passionate well measured anti-Trump speech I could.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: And you think your speech changed the minds of any Trump supporters?

Mitt Romney: I do not.

Jake: Do you think any Trump supporters even watched?

Mitt Romney: Not on purpose. No.

Jake: You think your speech hurt Trump at all?

Mitt Romney: Honestly, I would assume it probably helped him.

Jake: Alright, is there anything you would like to say directly to Donald Trump?

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Yes, yes, there is. Donald, you’re duplicitous, you’re reckless and if you become the republican nominee, know this, I would make a great vice president. and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Beating Wrestling Champion

Will… Jon Rudnitsky

Ricky Manns… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Jonah Hill

Sasheer Zamata

Stacey Epstein… Kate McKinnon

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

Samantha Powell… Cecily Strong

Tyler Stevens… Taran Killam

Fellepe Ramirez… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five friends pulling over their car. They’re all wearing same sports outfit.]

Will: Good match, Nate Nate.

Ricky: Way to go, Nate. You’re the man.

Nate: You didn’t do too bad yourself Will.

Sasheer: You’re amazing.

Will and Ricky: Tigers forever!

[Nate gets out of the car and walks to his house]

Stacey: Hey Nate, wait up. [Stacey runs towards Nate] We’re gonna have some beers behind the Gazibu at depo park later if you wanna come.

Nate: Yeah, I don’t know if coach wants me drinking tonight.

Stacey: You defeated Tyler Stevens of Great Oak. He was undefeated. And you beat him. You sure you don’t wanna celebrate?

Nate: It’s not about whether I won or lost. It’s that I gave everything I am to my team.

Stacey: You’re a hero, Nate.

Nate: Tigers forever.

Stacey: Tigers forever. Bye.

[Nate turns away and his friends drive away]

[Nate walks in his house.]

Nate: Hey, mom.

Mom: How was your day, sweetheart?

Nate: It was great.

Mom: Why don’t you sit down with your dad and watch some TV.

[Nate sits with his father.]

Dad: Tigers forever.

Nate: Tigers forever, dad.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Good evening, I’m Samantha Powell. Tonight’s top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity. As undefeated high school Wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.

[Nate’s picture appears on the news]

Nate: What?

[Cut to Tyler Stevens on TV]

Tyler Stevens: You should have seen the smile on his face. I mean, you like, actually believed it. It feels good.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Stacey and Ricky on TV]

Stacey: Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucks so hard.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s why the whole community came together to pretend he won.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What? This is insane. They didn’t let me win.

[Cut to Tyler Stevens]

Tyler Stevens: What I meant to do was sort of let him have a come from behind sort of movie style victory. But when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad and I just had to let him pin me right away.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: I don’t smell. I don’t smell.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez, high school janitor on TV]

Fellepe: I’m glad he got to win. Coz he has so many problems. And when I clean the bathroom, I always find his pants in the trash. He never makes in to toilet.

[Cut to Dad looking at Nate]

Number one, he no make it. Number two, he no make it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why would they interview Mr. Ramirez.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez on TV]

Fellepe: He keep a packet in his locker all year. I said, “Nate, you got to throw out the packet.” He said, “Ain’t this a packet. it’s my girlfriend.” I pick it up, little hole in it. Very little hole.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What is going on?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: You won the big match, son.

Dad: Yeah. You beat Tyler Stevens.

[Cut to all]

Nate: They’re saying they let me win. It’s a top story.

Mom: I know. And that’s nuts because the neighbors were murdered tonight.

[Cut to police locking the neighbor house as a crime scene.]

Dad: The policemen are sitting like, for 20 years.

[Cut to all]

Mom: Yeah. And a celebrity did it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Who?

Dad: Eric McCormack from ‘Will & Grace’.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Breaking news, I’m being told we have another interview with the janitor at the Westfield High.

Nate: Come on!

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez]

Fellepe: He tell me I his best friend. I no his friend. I groove.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why is Mr. Ramirez getting so much air time?

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: An inspiring story. A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day. And hey, Nate, if you’re out there, I hope to god you’re not watching this. And Eric McCormack is back on the news. And get this, it’s twins… that he murdered. The oldest living twins.

[The End]

Whiskers R WE

Barbara Dedrew … Kate McKinnon

Tabbytha … Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with Whiskers R We commercial]

Tabbytha and Barbara: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a ticket to fun.

Tabbytha: A cat is a dream come true with fur.

Barbara: A cat is an animal in your house that you’re okay with.

Tabbytha: Cats are you best friend best side of having a cat.

Barbara: So come on down for our valentine’s day cat giveaway.

Barbara and Tabbytha: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I am Barbara Dedrew.

Tabbytha: And I am Tybertha but I changed it to Tabbytha. Because of cats!

Barbara: You’re freaking nuts.

Tabbytha: Many of these rescue cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So let’s take a look at today’s free lineup.

Tabbytha: Okay.

Barbara: Shall we? This is Riley. [pulls out a cat] She’s a millennial. She uses the twitter rocks . [laughing]

Tabbytha: But I think she’s a troll coz she fills it with crap. I said it, I don’t care.

Barbara: You’re a cornball.

Tabbytha: No, I’m a horn-ball.

Barbara: Cool it. We’re on camera. [pulls out another cat] Toby is a hairless cat. But he wasn’t born that way.

Tabbytha: I covered him with nair and ripped it all his hair. And now he’s got a bone to pick with me.

Barbara: He’ll thank you come swimsuit season.

Tabbytha: Oh! [pulls out another cat] Look who we have here. This is William.

Barbara: You should know. William hasn’t been nurtured yet so he still wears condom.

Tabbytha: He always leaves little wrappers everywhere like, we get it!.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] This is sprinkles.

Tabbytha: Sprinkles has a sad history. He was involved in medical experimentation.

Barbara: He would put lipstick in rabbit’s eyes until they scream.

Tabbytha: Little jerk ass. He’s still nice to pet though.

[Tabbytha is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Tabbytha, I put the cat down already and I think you know that.

Tabbytha: Well, I can’t help it.

Barbara: Please. We both know you’re just doing this to piss off your senator father.

Tabbytha: Well.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] We call this cat OJ because he is orange like the Jews an murderer like the athlete.

Tabbytha: I’ve had him guilty of being adorable.

Barbara: And again, murder. [pulls out a dog on a cat costume] And this is Whiskers. I don’t know if you can tell, but Whiskers is a dog in a cat costume.

Tabbytha: We think it kind of misses down fire situation.

Barbara: He has to pretend to be a cat so he can see his kids. Anyway, come on down to Whiskers R We.

Tabbytha: Our policy is bring your bag and we’ll put a cat in it.

Barbara: Okay. Time to climb up in the scratching.

[Tabbytha carries Barbara]

Tabbytha: There we go.

Barbara: Happy valentine’s day.

[Cut to a picture Whiskers R We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R We, valentine’s cat giveaway. See you there!