Kate McKinnon Archives - Page 44 of 55 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

2020 Democratic Debate

Rachel Maddow… Melissa Villaseñor

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Tom Steyer… Will Ferrell

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Tulsi Gabbard… Cecily Strong

[Starts with MSNBC intro]

Announcer: And now MSNBC’s special coverage of the democratic debate.

[Cut to the MSNBC debate set]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Hello. I am Rachel Maddow and we are live from Tyler Perry studios in Atlanta. So, hello and good afternoon. I want to start the debate with the question on everyone’s mind—who can beat Donald Trump?

[Cut to the people competing]

Elizabeth Warren: Me, me, me. My hand—my hand went up first.

[Cut to Rachel Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: That’s not how it works, but go ahead.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right, right. Look, I know in past debates, I’ve been accused of being overambitious, right? I’ve got mom hosting thanksgiving energy. I’m a little overwhelmed ‘cause I thought ten people were coming and now there’s 30 million. But I promise dinner will be ready if you just get out of the kitchen and stop asking questions. And of course, this thanksgiving I will be cooking my specialty. Maybe don’t say it. The food of my ancestors. Should I say it? I’m going to say it—Maize.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, that’s a good one, Liz.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Sounds like you’re in a good mood tonight, senator Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am. I am. The fun is back, baby. America’s fun aunt. I’m also America’s cool aunt. The C—you know what? Let’s not do that. Tonight, I’m not going to worry about the polling numbers. I’m just going to have fun and see if I can get some viral moments. Mama needs a ‘gif’. Gonna tell my kids this is Michelle Obama. [Cut to a twitter meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mayor Pete, you’re looking adorable tonight in your little suit.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you. Thank you. It’s from my first communion.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: You’re polling at zero with black voters. Any idea why?

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Maybe just because of like this.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders, you’re looking—

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cheers and applause] I want to begin by thanking you all for the well wishes. I did have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack. So, you ought to know by now, I’m doing better than ever. Doctors were surprised I made it. And I’m very proud of the fact that I was the first heart attack patient to show up in the emergency room in a city bus.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Let’s go now to senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[Cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: Thank you Rachel. I know some of you think I’m shaking because I’m nervous, but that’s just my signature quivering bang. It’s my spidey sense that tingles whenever we need a moderate to say, “Girl, we can’t pay for that.”

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Biden, you’re flashing your teeth at me?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: I just want everyone to know America, I see you. And I see the faces you all make when I talk. You’re scared. Scared I’ll say something off-color or even worse—on color. What I want you to know is you should be scared because I’m always one second away from calling Cory Booker ‘Barack’.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Okay, I’d like to respond, but first because this is the only time I’ll be talking I just want to say black church, barber shops, greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes. Now to vice president Biden, I was stunned to hear you don’t support the legalization of marijuana. In fact, rehearsed joke, I thought you were high when you said it.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Let me tell you a story from my youth, or maybe from a movie or a cartoon. It was with a buddy of mine who got so whacked on the sticky-icky kush, he says, “I’ve a great idea. We ought to go to white castle.” Next thing you know, Kumar and I are driving around high as kites with Neil Patrick Harris and that’s before he was gay. That’s why I never puffed the stuff.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Andrew Yang who I can tell is already mad he hasn’t talked yet.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: No, not at all. It’s me Andrew Yang. I want to say what up to my yang gang? Hey, what do you say we get a yang gang bang going, huh? I want to take this opportunity to announce my VP, the new Tesla cyber truck.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Tom Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Hi, guys. I’m billionaire Tom Steyer. And I’m running for president for a simple reason—it’s fun. And it gets me out of the house.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry, Mr. Steyer. My producers are telling me you have to blink.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I have to do what?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Blink. You have to blink at some point.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Oh, no, I do not. And I will not.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Did somebody say billionaire?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. Mayor Bloomberg, how did you get in here?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I tipped the doorman $30 million.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Does this mean you are officially running for president?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I’d be heard to beat. I’d love to see Trump supporters come up with a conspiracy theory about a Jewish billionaire with his own media company. Good luck making that stick.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And let’s introduce underdog candidate and tonight’s villain, Tulsi Gabbard.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: Thank you, Rachel. What an honor it is to be on this stage with my fellow candidates. I want you to know that I smell your fear and it makes me stronger. I’m wearing the white suit of your fallen hero Hillary Clinton. Now fight me, cowards.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Harris, would you like to respond?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Tulsi, I’m going to be real with you. You scare the hell our of me. You just gave me Ermahgerd, Gersbermps. [Posing for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Our next question is for senator Klobuchar. Do you think you can get the funding to stay in this race?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: I know I can. I’ve got $17,000 from ex-boyfriends. All I had to do was threaten to come back in their lives.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That brings us to tonight’s next topic which is health care.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders presses the buzzer first. Elizabeth Warren is trying the buzzer more than one time.]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. I don’t know how you got buzzers, but Bernie rang in first.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Here’s my plan for health care. No co-pay. No out of pocket. The only thing that comes out of my pockets are tissues, receipts, loose cough drops, a movie stub for ‘Florence Foster Jenkins’ which is so-so. And of course, the little button in the baggie that comes with the pants. Most people throw it out. Do yourself a favor. Hold onto it. You never know.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, you look like you have something to say.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I want to speak directly to you, America. [Tom Steyer starts walking towards the camera] Health care is important, but housing affects everything.—where you sleep, where you shop, where you get your shoes shined, where you buy jewels, where you raise peacocks. Am I relatable?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, I’m gonna need you to take a step back.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Sorry. Am I too close?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Did somebody say too close? Brother, like your style. Look, I’m supported by that same coalition that elected Obama. Blafrican Americans. Even the Mexitinos and the Chorientals. Heck, the only black woman ever elected to the senate endorsed me.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Excuse me? No, no, Joe. There have been two black women elected to the senate and that second black woman— it me.

[Cut to a tiktok video where Kamala Harris is doing her dance]

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Is there still time for me to come in late and ruin everything?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. We have to move on to closing statements.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Wait, I need to quickly throw in some Spanish, because Miguel Bloomberg is En Guego.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That counts as good-bye for you. We’ll now move on to Mayor Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: America, I know I can do this because my supporters are a diverse coalition from young to old, gay to straight, white to eggshell. Thank you.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Tulsi Gabbard, time for your closing statement.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: I have no interest in those Dalmatian puppies. [laughing evilly] I yield my time.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Klobuchar?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Look, I could say a lot about the issues we have talked about tonight, but the sad thing is you’re not listening to a word I’m saying because you’re just watching my hair dance on my forehead. Excuse me, my eyes are down here, not up here.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Warren that brings us to you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, hey, here’s the thing, guys. It’s November and it’s cussing season. You’re single in your late 30s and I’m a solid option. If it’s Marry, “F”, kill I’m aware I’m not the “F”, but I’m definitely not the kill. So come on, America, put a ring on it.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: As many of you know, a lot of my opponents like to throw the word “Socialist” around for me. But let me ask you, is it fair that only the top 2% often get a free Biscotti with their coffee? We would all love a free Biscotti. You dip it. You dunk it and it’s delicious. So, if it’s socialism, sign me up. Tell me this. Is it fair that when the top 2% want to turn off the lights in their bedroom all they have to do is clap? They’ve got the clappers. Shouldn’t we all have clappers? Either everybody has a clapper or nobody has a clapper, and that’s the America I want to live in.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Joe Biden?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: The hearings have made it clear. That Donald Trump doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Vladimir Putin doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Nobody in America wants me to be the nominee. But I am confident I can win the election in 2016.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And senator Harris, your closing statement?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: The democratic party needs to stop taking black women for granted, specifically one black woman—me. I mean ,come on. You said you would vote for me. [Poses for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s all the time we have. Tom, take us out.

[Cut to the speakers]

Tom Steyer: [High-fiving everyone] Good game, good game. Good game, good game.

Airline Pilots

Captain Hitnart… Mikey Day

First Officer Newton… Harry Styles

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Hitnart: Good afternoon folks. This is captain Hitnart in the flight Deck, joined by first officer Newton.

Newton: Howdy, folks.

Hitnart: We reached our cruising altitude, so I’m going to go head and turn off the fasten the seat-belt sign. Computer saying we’ll have you in San Francisco just a hair past 3. For now, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. Thanks for flying, Jet Blue. [Captain turns off the mic and they start talking to each other.] So, as I was saying, I need to get laid. I’m very backed up.

Newton: Me too. These pipes be clogged sir. I saw an old Scooby Do episode on the airport TV and Daphne was getting me hot.

Hitnart: Oh, yeah. You know what? I’ll bet Velma had a tight little body under that big sweater, right?

Newton: You bet she does.

[Cut to the passengers listening to their conversation]

Hitnart: You know Velma and Shaggy were banging. Imagine Scooby at the end of the bed watching. [Speaking like Scooby-Doo] “Raggy, what are rooing?” [Speaking like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo] “Uh, nothing, Scoob. Me and Velma are just wrestling.”

Newton: God, I need to get laid.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: What the hell are they talking about?

[Cut to the cockpit. Bowen Yang comes in.]

Bowen: Yeah, hi, please stop talking. Your intercom button’s still on and the passengers heard all of that.

Hitnart: Oh, thank you. Dammit! Uh, hey, folks. On behalf of Jet Blue, I’d like to apologize for the adult chat you just heard. A button on our intercom broke. Just one of the many small electronic problems you run into on a very old plane like this.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: A very old plane?

[Cut to the cockpit. Bowen Yang comes in.]

Bowen: All right, calling the plane old didn’t go over well with the passengers. You might want to settle their nerves.

Newton: Oh, man, thanks. You’re an A+ flight attendant.

Bowen: I’m not a flight attendant, I’m a sky liaison.

Hitnart: Okay.

Newton: Here, I’ll take this one.

Hitnart: Okay.

Hitnart: Howdy, gang. First officer Newton here. This plane is just fine. We spoke with an engineer at the Apple Bees Bar right before the flight, and he said this plane is good for a few more trips.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: They were at the bar? These perverts were drinking?

Aidy: Hey, not as much as me, ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: Hey, folks, just realized that bar comment might have made you think we were drinking before the flight. No, sir-ree. I do not drink. It messes with all the medications I’m on.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Oh, my god. We’re going to die. And you, [Taling to the puppy] you are doing jack ass to make me feel better.

Aidy: Hey, lady, you’re freaking screaming.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: How are you not freaking out right now?

Kenan: Because I took xanax baby, I’m hakuna matata.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: Anyway, we want to tell you about Jet Blue’s featured in flight movie.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Why do they keep saying Jet Blue? This is not Jet Blue flight. B

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: This month’s featured movie is Teen Comedy Book Smart. Fun for the whole family.

Newton: Maybe not the whole family. There’s some lesbian stuff in there, but I don’t think you see them going down on each other or anything. Whoa, whoa! I shouldn’t have said going down, cause it might make you think of the plane going down. Which it won’t, until we land safely in San Diego.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: But, this plane is supposed to go to San Francisco. Baby, give me a Xanax.

Kenan: I wish I could, but no.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: All right, that’s it from the flight deck. So, sit back, relax and sit back. Sit black? What dows that mean? Sit black. Sit there and start rapping in your seat or something like—[Cut to Kenan and Ego acting confused] Sorry if that was racially insensitive. I did not mean it that way. [Cut to cockpit] You know what, from now until Christmas, nonwhites fly free on Jet Blue. That’s not real. I just made that up. So, sit black—Whoa, said it again. Book smart! Enjoy the flight. Oh, okay. Looks like we’ve got some choppy air. [Cut to the passengers] Go ahead and turn on the fasten the seatbelt sign. Yep, there you go.

[The plane is facing turbulence]

[Cut to the passengers]

Ego: Oh, my god!

Kenan: Hakuna matata, baby!

Days of Our Impeachment Cold Open

Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat

Jim Jordan… Mikey Day

Marie Yovanovitch… Cecily Strong

Bill Taylor

Rudy Guiliani… Kate McKinnon

Gordon Sondland… Kyle Mooney

Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with an intro]

Announcer: This week, 13 million Americans tuned in to watch the impeach hearings, as multiple officials testified against President Trump. But some complained the hearings were ‘lacking in pizzazz,’ ‘dull,’ and ‘not the masked singer.’ So to make sure people are paying attention, we now present the hearings in a way that underscores how scandalous these revelations really are. This is… “Days of our Impeachment”, where only thing at stake is democracy. Starring Adam Schiff.

Adam Schiff: Excitement, emotion and none of it from me.

Announcer: The cross examiner with a mysterious brain injury, Jim Jordan.

Jim Jordan: I got my sleeves rolled up because my job is yelling at a woman.

Announcer: The former ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch.

Marie Yovanovitch: Why did Trump come after me? I committed the ultimate sin. I was good at my job.

Announcer: And Jon Hamm as career diplomatic, Bill Taylor.

Bill Taylor: I don’t just kiss and tell. I kiss and tell, and I take notes.

Announcer: Like the real timeline, this is Days Of Our Impeachment.

[Cut to the impeachment]

Adam Schiff: Ordering the chamber, ambassador Yovanovitch, your opening statement?

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Thank you, chairman Schiff. If that is your real name.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: It is.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, great. I’m only here today because I was a target of a smear campaign by President Trump and Rudy Giuliani that left me publicly humiliated and without a job.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Enough! Enough! This witness is clearly here because she loves attention.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yeah. I love the glamor and the spotlight. That’s why I spent my career in Ukraine and Somalia.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Funny you should mention Solamia. Because the president—[suspicious sound]

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Is right behind me? Is that why you look so shocked?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: No. This is just how my eyes look. The president just sent a tweet.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi behind her.]

Heidi: A tweet? Oh! [Heidi faints]

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Let the record show the President is intimidating the witness.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Intimidating? If the president wanted to intimidate you, he’d shoot you in the face in the 5th avenue.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, and then would you impeach him?

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Well, we would have to look at the facts but no.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch. Bill Taylor walks to the seat near her.]

Bill Taylor: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Bill Taylor?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: What are you dong here?

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: Unlike the people in the Trump administration, I show up. And I have a bombshell revelation. There was a second phone call.

[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi]

Heidi: A second phone call? [Heidi faints again]

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: That’s right. You knew about the first call but no one expected phone call number two.

[Rudy Giuliani walks in]

Rudy Giuliani: Did someone say unexpected number two?

Bill Taylor: Rudy Giuliani?

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. Mercury is in retro grade so my powers are at an all time high. And I have an insurance policy in case the president turns against me. I’m going to die in a mysterious boat explosion.

Bill Taylor: You’re going to fake your own death.

Rudy Giuliani: Fake it? Oh, great! I’ll do that.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: The show critics are calling “necessary to get people’s attention,” and “the first soap where you can’t imagine any of the people in it having sex.”

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: The chair now recognizes–

Unknown voice: Not so fast!

[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Mitch McConnell]

Marie Yovanovitch: Mitch McConnell?

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. And the senate has voted. Acquitted.

Bill Taylor: But this matter is not even before the senate yet.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, sorry. Sorry for the spoiler. Just tell me when I’m supposed to say it. Acquitted.

[Cut to everybody]

Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Rudy, you’re facing the wrong direction.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, where? Oh, where the cameras at? Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: You had a new revelation, too?

Rudy Giuliani: No. I meant, not so fast like, don’t talk so fast. I’m having trouble understanding what’s happening. Normally I watch fox news in low motion with the sound turned up to 100.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: A ‘ridiculous melodrama’ that ‘somehow less crazy than what’s really happening in our government.’

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: Gordon Sondland told me Trump was withholding aid to get political dirt on Biden. I rarely say this as a diplomat, but I told him that was cuckoo-doo-doo-nut-sack-bananas.

Gordan Sondland: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Ambassador Gordon Sondland?

Gordan Sondland: That’s right. I’m part of this too. And I know that I said in earlier testimony that there was no quid pro quo. But that’s because I had amnesia. My amnesia is fine again and I remember, there was a quid pro quo.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi: Aladin phrase? [Heidi faints again]

Michael Avenatti: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti?

Michael Avenatti: That’s right. I’m that name you just said. I have a bombshell that will change everything. The president had an affair. [suspicious sound]

Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yes. We know.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, you do?

Bill Taylor: That story is from like last season.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, alright. Very well. [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Then maybe this will interest you. The affair was with a porn star. [suspicious sound]

[Cut to everybody]

Marie Yovanovitch: Yes, but we know. No one seems to care.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, really? Oh, damn! Alright. Oh fine, I’ll go. You haven’t seen the last of me. Who am I playing again?

Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti.

Michael Avenatti: Michael Avocado.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: And featuring the telenovela sensation, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: This hearing is lacking one thing. A star. That is why you need Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

Man: Alexandria. I didn’t expect to see you here.

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: And I din’t expect you to be such a low key daddy. Now, here’s a red new deal. It’s my lips.

[They kiss]

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Okay. What? Chairman? I object.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: I’ll allow it.

[Cut to Myles Garrett, Bill Taylor and Marie Yovanovitch]

Myles Garrett : Enough!

Marie Yovanovitch: Wait. The guy with the helmet?

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: That’s right. I have seen enough. I am tired of being falsely accused. You see, what had happened was I saw another player who had lost his helmet somehow and I thought, “Oh, he should be wearing a helmet.” So, I attempted to put it back on his head.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Mr. Garrett, you are on trial here.

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: Oh, I know. President Trump just pardoned me too for the warcraft. He said I could bring a helmet to Afghanistan and just go nuts. Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: It’s Rudy Giuliani’s evil twin.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, no, just regular Rudy. I tried to do that thing where you hold up a magnifying glass and say I’m going to look into that but instead I grabbed a hammer. I took my own eye off. Not my best day. Not my worst.

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: Oh my god, it’s a bad person. [Myles Garrett hits Rudy Giuliani with his helmet]

Bill Taylor: Is Rudy okay?

Rudy Giuliani: I think he might have fixed me. But to find it, you’ll have to tune in next time on—

Everybody: Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update Jeff Sessions on His Trump-Friendly Campaign Ads

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Last week, former Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced a bid to regain his Alabama senate seat by releasing an ad campaign, “so complimentary of Trump” that many called it ‘groveling and pathetic’. Here to comment, Jeff sessions.

[Jeff Sessions joins Colin Jost.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, Colin. Jeff. It’s good to be here.

Colin Jost: Mr. Sessions, welcome back. I’m so excited to talk about your campaign.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, me too. But actually, do you mind if I have a little bite of food before we start?

[Jeff Sessions takes a big fruit out and starts chewing]

Colin Jost: What is that, senator?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, this is a sesame seed. Just like the kind that was on Mr. Trump’s big mac buns.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: I have to say, it sounds like you really miss him.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I do, I do. But I know he still cares about me. See, don’t forget, [Cut to Jeff Sessions] I was the very first person to endorse Mr. Trump. I’m a pioneer. Like Neil Armstrong. Only instead of flying to the moon, I dug straight down to hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: A lot of people are saying that you’re just kind of sucking up to the president.

Jeff Sessions: Sucking up? No. Does this sound like sucking up to you?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]

Hello. I’m Jeff Sessions and I love you, Mr. Trump. When you fired me, did I write some nasty tell-all book? No. Did I get mad when you called me Mr. Magoo but Fuglier? No. when you called animal control on me, well, I just got in that little cage. So, vote for Jeff Sessions, because I will bend over backwards for you, Alabama, and I will bend over forward for Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: Jeff. Come on!

Jeff Sessions: That was pretty good.

Colin Jost: Pretty good? It felt like a message from a hostage video. A lot of people are saying you have Stockholm syndrome.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Well, that’s a damn lie. I do not have Stockholm syndrome.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: I just don’t understand– I don’t understand a couple of things. I don’t understand why you would want the approval of someone who has called you some pretty harsh names?

Jeff Sessions: OH, Colin, hush your mouth. We buried that hatchet in my latest ad. Look at this.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]

Hello, I’m Jeff Sessions, or as my hero Mr. Trump has called me, dumb Southerner, Dumb Ass Southerner, Dumb Southerner Dumb Ass, Deep fried idiot, two shrimps short of a gum and messed up baby. And I forgot where I was going with this but I will fight for you, Alabama, and I will let you hunt me for sport, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: Jeff, come on. Where is your dignity? How do you sleep at night?

Jeff Sessions: Why I would sheep at night? That’s when everybody throws out their apple cores.

Colin Jost: I think these ads are making you look kind of weak, you know? One conservative pundit recently asked if you still had your balls.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. I rescued myself from them a long time ago.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions. He wears Trump’s red hat.]

Mr. Trump, please look after my balls. Keep them safe in your jacket pocket next to Mitch McConnell’s or dangling off your golf cart like a pair of nuts. In conclusion, vote for me and I will go to back for Alabama and I’ll go to third base for you Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: No, you’re not gonna win.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, fine! He can round the basement.

Colin Jost: Jeff Sessions everyone.

Jeff Sessions: This is my legacy. This is my legacy.

Weekend Update Smokery Farms Responds to the Plant-Based Burger Boom

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Vaneta Starkie… Aidy Bryant

Wylene Starkie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Burger King reportedly had it’s best sales in four years because of the new impossible whooper which is made from a meat free, plant based patty. Here to respond, are owners of Smokery Farms Meat Gift delivery service, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie.

[Vaneta and Wylene Starkie come in]

Vaneta Starkie: We’re cousins. We’re cousins.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, guys. Has the impossible burger hurt sales of real meat?

Wylene Starkie: Well, it ain’t helping, Colin. Okay? This computer beef that bleeds like the real thing is killing us.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: Yes, plus more and more folks are going vegan because they see videos of cute smart animals on videos like new born piglet and Joey’s bath.

Wylene Starkie: Or genius goat blows kisses at grandma.

Vaneta Starkie: But at smoker farms we solved that problem by serving meat from animals that are individually verified to be stupid, bad, rude and talent-free.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah! Now, you want to see the meat gifts, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: The meat gifts? No, I’m okay. No! Oh, you brought them.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yeah. Look at this beautiful bounty.

[Cut to a basket of meat Vaneta and Wylene Starkie have.]

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: This cow chased an old lady into a pond. And she later passed away. Not from that, but it didn’t help. And now, he’s burger.

Wylene Starkie: Now, did you ever hear the duck who befriended a blind boy. Well this is his brother. A duck that ran around with his thing hanging out. You ever see a duck thing, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: Duck thing, no I haven’t.

Vaneta Starkie: Oh, it looks like a drain snake. [Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie] Go ahead and eat his wings and celebrate his demise.

Wylene Starkie: Now, you know, people say that pigs are highly intelligent animals. Capable of puzzles and simple math. Well, we found this one eating turds. Just slopping ‘em up like spaghetti, looking us right in the eye, like, “You like what you see?”

Vaneta Starkie: But hey, if you still feel too sad to eat something with a fuzzy face, take a half step and go pescatarian with our coast taster basket.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

[They bring a basket of fish in]

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Oh, yum, look at these dead little swimmers. Oh, Colin, look at that. Look at the sheen on there.

Colin Jost: Yeah! I see the sheen, yeah.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Well, good, that’s how you know it’s wet.

Vaneta Starkie: And you know our fish got good flavor because it glistens and it stinks.

Wylene Starkie: Hey, listen. Fish are barely animals, okay? They’re stupid and I’ll tell you, they can’t even hug. Like this Alaskan King crab here, who refused to wear a condom because he says it messes with his flow. Now, go ahead and funk his ass in butter and suck the meat out.

Vaneta Starkie: This tender flounder is as flat as he thought the earth was.

Wylene Starkie: Now, this eel, he doesn’t go down. But it expects you to. Now, how does that work? Okay. Now you can eat his whole dang beautiful smelly body with a squeeze of lemon.

Vaneta Starkie: This oyster’s whole body is snot. And if you eat it, he makes you feel frisky.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Now, are you feeling frisky, Colin?

Vaneta Starkie: Are we kind of getting you hot over here, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I actually feel pretty sick.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, well that’s part of it, sweetheart.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, but none of these stories sound like they’re real.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, well, you a big fish boy, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, no!

Vaneta Starkie: You a cod licker?

Wylene Starkie: You cuckoo for cod, baby?

Vaneta Starkie: How about Michael Che?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: It’s so bad even for me.

Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.

[Cut to everybody]

For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Rosie the Riveter

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Rosie the Riveter… Chloe Fineman

Donna… Heidi Gardner

Dot… Kate McKinnon

Norma… Kristen Stewart

Barb… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a caption “America at War!”]

[Cut to old black and white video clips of armies]

Narrator: While the men fight in Germany, [Cut to video clip of women working in factories] America’s women head to the factory to do their part.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking out of the door]

Mikey: Well, sir, I am honored you chose our factory to find the face of your new campaign.

Beck: Then we can do it poster reads a girl who embodies the ‘can-do’ spirit of America’s women.

Mikey: Well, these girls have that in spades. This is Rosie the Riveter.

[Cut to Rosie the Riveter]

Rosie the Riveter: Pleased to meet you, sir.

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Hmm. Rosie the Riveter. That’s got a nice ring to it.

Mikey: And here is Donna, a shell Shiner.

Donna: I shine them nice so that Germans see them coming.

Beck: Hmm, I like that spirit.

Mikey: And finally, we have our slug thumpers who do some of the heavier work.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: There we go.

Norma: Whoa, whoa.

Barb: Open this son of a bitch. Keep fighting me, bitch, keep fighting me. That one was for you, Sammy.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking to the heavy workers]

Mikey: Ladies, may I have your attention.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Cram it, you coward.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: Every day with this, ladies.

Dot: Why ain’t you over there killing Nazis, coward?

Norma: Any man is dungarees should be over there.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: I told you I had asthma and was deemed unfit.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: I got three sons over there fighting the krauts and one of them not more than 12 years old.

Norma: Yeah, you should be hanged.

Dot: Who is this fella?

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: I’m from the army’s public relations board. We’re producing a poster to encourage more women to come work in the factories.

Mikey: He’s looking for a model.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Ooh, well, then look no further, there’s three of us right here, sir. I’m Barb, Norma and Dot.

Norma: Is this poster like a nudie thing or what? Because that’s perfectly fine with us.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: No, no. it will be very classy.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Hey, if it helps boys overseas, I’ll take the twins out.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: You would not be nude, ladies.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: Look, if getting a look at our plumbing means our boys will put a few more krauts in the ground, I’ll drop trou. No problem.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: It will just be a normal pose with the slogan, “We can do it.” Any ideas?

[Cut to Rosie the Riveter and Donna]

Rosie the Riveter: Maybe something like this?

Donna: Or this?

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Say, those weren’t half bad.

Dot: Wait, wait! [Cut to three heavy workers] How about this? You’re gonna love it. Okay, wait! Imagine I’m Hitler, right?

Barb: I’m back here. And I got my cans out, smacking him and his stupid mustache pops right off.

Norma: And I’m the Statue of Liberty and I’ve got my jugs out.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: And that would go with the slogan, “We can do it?”

Barb: I mean, unless you got something better.

Beck: Remember, this poster is meant to encourage women to join the war effort.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Any woman who ain’t already doing her part is a coward and a traitor.

Dot: Just like him.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: Oh, stop it. My asthma is very serious.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: If they would just let us fight, the damage we could do.

Norma: I wish I was over there. I would find Hitler, I would strip him naked, march him across Poland with lucky strays up between his cheeks.

Dot: Yeah, yeah. I would take that Hitler and shove his head right up my ass until he was dead.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: What?

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: You know what I would do? I would shoot that Hitler eight times in the leg and then I would say, “You want one more?” And he would say, “Nein.” And I would say, coming right up. And bam! One more!

Norma: We got the job or what? Come on!

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: I’m on the fence. Just kidding. I’m not. I’m scared of you. I’m going with Rosie.

Mikey: I’m sorry, ladies, but keep up the good work.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: Would you mind holding this for a second? [Dot passes Mikey a hot metal ball]

Mikey: Sure. Ow!

Barb: Got you right, you coward.

Norma: You should be over there.

Dot: Do your part.

Mikey: Come on!

Barb: Coward!

Hungry Jury

Joe… Kristen Sterwart

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with jury deciding the case]

Joe: Okay, well, that’s six votes for innocent and six votes for guilty.

Cecily: Great, so we’re still deadlocked?

Aidy: Dammit. We are never getting out of here.

Cecily: I know.

Kate: How does anybody still think this guy is innocent?

Kenan: Well, I bet you’d understand if he was a white man.

Kyle: And here we go with the race card.

Joe: Okay guys, can we please not go there again?

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right. Judge wants to know if you’re close to a verdict.

Aidy: No. We’re still deliberating and I’m starving.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Yeah, actually we haven’t eaten yet. If we can get some food, that’d be great!

[Cut to Bailiff]

Bailiff: Okay, I’m not a waiter. I’m a Bailift. Just let me know when ya’ll are done.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Did he say “Bailift” with a “T”?

[Cut to Heidi, Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: Who cares, my friggin’ stomach is literally doing flips right now.

Heidi: Yeah, mine too.

Ego: Okay, well, sorry. If a man’s freedom is getting in the way of your dinner plans.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know that’s not what she meant.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: All I’m saying is if the defendant was white, you might have believed his story.

Ego: He’s right.

[Cut to Mikey and Joe]

Mikey: Oh, come on, race has nothing to do with this.

Joe: Oh, okay, but—

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Whoa. What was that?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Sorry, that was actually my stomach.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Damn. That was loud.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: And I told you my stomach is upset. I got to eat something.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan]

Ego: How can you say race has something to do with this? They pulled him over without cause.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: He was speeding. [Stomach growling] Sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Do you want a tums or something, Joe?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: No, I want a meal.

[Cut to Heidi and Ego]

Heidi: Okay, but what about that last witness?

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Oh, she was clearly lying.

Alex: She changed her story, like three times.

[Cut to Joe]

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Are you sure you’re okay?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: That one wasn’t me.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: I’m sorry. I think that was my stomach that time.

Ego: Why would that witness have any reason to lie?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Exactly. It doesn’t make any—[Stomach growling] Ooh. I guess I’m a little hungry too.

Kate: Do you need a tums?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Oh, we really need to get out of here.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: If I don’t get to eat something soon, I swe—[Stomach growling] and that one was mine again.

Kenan: Well, could you please quiet your stomach up?

Aidy: Obviously not.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: It’s involuntary, okay?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: So, just take a tums.

Cecily: You know what? [Stomach growling] Oh, I will take one of your tums, actually.

Kate: Oh, I don’t have any tums.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you keep offering them?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: I was offering advice.

[Stomach growling]

Cecily: Sorry.

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: I’m sorry.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

[Stomach growling]

Aidy: Pardon me.

[Cut to everybody]

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Beck: All right. Does anybody want to change their vote?[Stomach growling][Stomach growling] Anybody?

Chris: [Singing] I’m just a bachelor

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Come on, man, y’all can’t hear that?

Kate: Hear what?

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan. Ego is dancing on the sound of Stomach Growling.]

Joe: Okay, fine, I’ll change my vote.

Ego: Then, I change my vote too.

Heidi: What? That just brings us back to a deadlock again.

Ego: I know, but I want to hear the rest of this song.

I’m just a bachelor looking for a partner.

Kenan: Looking for a problem.

Aidy: Okay, please stop. This is embarrassing.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Someone who knows how to ride.

Chris: Okay, you know this song too Darrel?

Kyle: Of course I do, it’s by Magic Mike.

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan]

Kenan: Magic Mike? Man, it’s Ginuwine.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Who the heck is Genuine?

[Cut to everybody]

Ego: He said Ginuwine.

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right, y’all better be ready– oh, this is my jam.

[Cut to Alex, Joe and Mikey]

Joe: Oh, not you too.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yo! Let’s just hit the chorus.

Everybody: If you’re horny let’s do it ride it my pony

Hero Dog Press Conference

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Dana Gram… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[Starts with C-Span intro]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, Beto O’Rourke rolls down his shirt sleeves in defeat. But, first we go live to a press briefing at the white house with Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kyllyanne Conway: Okay, good evening. Hello, everyone. It is I, Kellyanne Conway. And if you’re watching this, you are going to die in seven days. Mmm-kay, and as you probably noticed, the White House has not held a press briefing in almost eight months. We’ve kept our new press secretary in hiding because our past ones were mocked, humiliated, and forced to regain their dignity on “Dancing with the stars.” Mmm-kay, but today I am here to celebrating because we have killed the leader of Isis, which according to the constitution means the impeachment can no longer legally move forward.

[Dana Gram walks in behind Kellyanne Conway with a dog]

Mmm-nd now it is my pleasure to introduce a very special guest. The hero who took down the leader of Isis, Coann the K9 commando.

[Kellyanne Conway moves away. There’s a German Shepherd dog at the podium]

[Cheers and applause]

Mmm-kay. And he is joined by special forces K9 interpreter Dana Gram.

Dana Gram: Hello.

Kyllyanne Conway: And you can translate everything that the dog is saying?

Dana Gram: That’s correct. I have a master’s degree in linguistic from Dr. Dolittle university.

Kyllyanne Conway: And Conan, thank you for coming today.

[Dana Gram is looking at the dog]

Dana Gram: Right. Okay. He’s saying, “The pleasure is all mine, Kellyanne.”

Kyllyanne Conway: Mmm-kay, and you have the floor.

Dana Gram: That blink meant he can’t wait to lick it.

[Kellyanne Conway leaves the stage]

So, we’re going to take a few questions and Conan is going to meet with president Trump to explain the situation in Syria. You, ma’am?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, Conan, thank you for your service.