Tag: Kate McKinnon

Celebrity Sighting

Heidi Gardner

Michael… Bowen Yang

Scarlett Johansson

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Fan… Kate McKinnon

Nick… Mikey Day

[Starts with a clip of a nice restaurant]

Hostess: Hi there, welcome to Le Gulle.

Michael: Yes, hi. Table for two, please.

Hostess: Unfortunately we’re all booked up, but you can wait at the bar. I can see if something opens up.

Scarlett: Are you sure, Michael? I mean, you know what happens when we eat at restaurants.

Michael: I’m sure nobody will notice. I will wait up at the bar. Thank you so much.

[Michael and Scarlett walk to the bar.]

Bartender: Hey, folks. Wait! Don’t I recognize you from somewhere?

Michael: I think you do. [Michael points at a poster showing what to do when choking]

Bartender: Yeah. Oh, that’s right. You’re the people from the choking poster.

Scarlett: The models, yes. Is there anywhere else that we can wait?

Michael: Baby, if we wait somewhere else, the fans are just going to ask us to come back to the poster for pictures.

Bartender: Uh… the fans?

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Yes. Our poster is in every restaurant and kitchen in the city. We are the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the safety posters. We have fans.

Michael: Babe, he was joking.

[Cut to everybody]

Bartender: I wasn’t.

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Our fans are going to find out that we’re here. We should be safe.

Michael: Okay, you’re right.

Scarlett: Miss!

Hostess: How can I help you?

[Hostess walks in]

Scarlett: We’re obviously a little on display here. So, can we just ask when our fans start coming over, we keep them in single file line.

Hostess: Um, okay.

Scarlett: There is a certain group of people who get very excited around us. I see one now.

[Cut to a fan who is Chef staring at them from the kitchen]

[Cut to Michael, Scarlett and the hostess]

Michael: Alright, smile. This is special for her. Hi there. Hi.

[The Chef walks in]

Chef: Wow. I can’t believe you’re here. We have your poster back in the kitchen, too.

Scarlett: Very sweet. Thank you. Would you like a selfie?

Chef: Um, that would be– yes. Okay. Can we do the pose?

Scarlett: Normally we don’t like to bring our work home but we’ll make an exception for you.

[Michael and Scarlett pose like they’re choking]

[Chef takes a selfie]

Chef: Well, listen. [Cut to the Chef] Sorry. There was this one time, I was tasting something in the kitchen. I start choking. [Cut to everybody] But my sous came and did what was on the poster and I’m still here today. So, thank you.

Scarlett: It’s amazing.

Michael: That’s so sweet.

[Another fan walks in]

Nick : Oh, my god! I’m sorry. I look at you all day. Can you guys record my voicemail greeting?

Michael: Yeah. No problem.

Nick: I’m Nick by the way.

Michael: Okay. [makes choking sound] Leave a message for Nick.

Nick: Thank you. So awesome.

Scarlett: Where’s the girl who said she could control the situation?

Michael: I don’t know.

[Another fan walks in]

Kyle: Hey, I’m from Donahue’s down the block. I got a text you guys were here.

Scarlett: Oh, they’re texting each other.

Michael: If one kitchen knows we’re here, they all know.

[A lot of people come at Michael and Scarlett as their fans]

Kyle: So, were you really choking in the poster?

Alex: Have you ever choked in real life?

Chris: Would you do the pose?

Scarlett: Michael, I’m starting to get worried. Where’s the girl?

Michael: I don’t know. Oh, my god. There’s more of them.

Everybody: Do the pose! Do the pose!

Scarlett: Oh, my god! Baby, I’m scared. Where’s the girl?

Michael: Okay. Get behind me. I’ll protect you. Everyone, take a step.

[Michael starts choking]

Scarlett: Baby! Oh, my god. He’s choking. He’s choking on his gum.

Fan: Do something.

Scarlett: I don’t know how. I’m just a model.

[The Chef runs in]

Chef: I’ve got this. Come on! Don’t go to sleep.

[Michael spits out the gum]

Scarlett: Oh, my god! You saved him.

Michael: Oh, my god! How can we ever repay you?

Chef: I would like another selfie.

Michael: Oh, you could have already got one.

Scarlett: And we have a lot of fans to meet. Let’s get in a single file line now.

Scarlett: Everyone will get a selfie. Everyone’s gonna get a selfie.

American Households Cold Open

Snowman… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Bowen Yang

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Heidy Gardner

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Greta Thunberg… Kate McKinnon

[starts with a cartoon picture of a snow man and the states map picture of the USA]

[Cut to the snowman]

Snowman: Well, well, well, it’s almost Christmas. And folks in America seem more divided than every. But if we listen in to some dinner conversations tonight, I bet we’d find out we have more in common than we realize. Now we can listen. I hacked into three nest home cams. Take a look.

[Cut to a home in San Francisco, California]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Cecily: I’m so happy everyone flew here for the holidays. And I’m even more happy that they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.
Melissa: Mom, come on. We said no politics tonight.

[Cut to Speaker 4 and Speaker 5]

Kyle: I don’t know what took them so long. Trump is a criminal.

Kevin: He violated the constitution. There has to be consequences.

[Cut to Speaker 3]

Melissa: Here we go.

[Cut to a home in Charleston, South Carolina]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Beck: Well, they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.

Mikey: Dad, stop.

Beck: I’m sorry, it’s a disgrace. What crime did he even commit?

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Heidi: I guess the crime of being an alpha male who actually gets things done.

Mikey: Okay!

[Cut to Chloe]

Chloe: The democrats lost the election. Now, they’re attempting a coup.

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Mikey: Alright, here we go.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Chris: Dad, come on. You’re going to rile everybody up.

Kenan: What? I’m just asking. Do you guys think “Bad Boys 3” is gonna be good or not? I mean, it’s got to be good. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence back together.

Ego: Yeah, but is Martin Lawrence still Martin Lawrence?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, you not too old to get a spanking! That’s Martin Lawrence you talking about.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I hate to say this, but can we please talk about politics, instead?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, you mean how Trump is definitely getting impeached and then definitely getting reelected? I’m good.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: I just don’t understand who on earth could vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Heidi: How could anyone not vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Who you think is gonna get voted off “The Masked Singer” next week? I think it’s the Fox.

Ego: You mean Wayne Brady?

Kenan: What? It’s obvious Jamie Foxx. Fox. Jamie Fox. It almost makes too much sense. I bet you Jamie Fox could beat Trump.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Dad, Trump’s not gonna win. People aren’t gonna vote for him again.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What people? White people? If white people tell you, “I might not vote for Trump this time,” You know what that’s called right? A lie. Nobody was gonna vote for Trump in 2016 either, and then guess who did? Everybody. Now see, you got me all worked up. I need drink.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Well, I just need to say this, okay? If Obama did half the stuff Trump did, he would be in jail already.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: The fact is Obama did way worse stuff than Trump ever did and they didn’t impeach him.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Can you believe they didn’t kill Obama? I thought they was going to kill him for sure.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Mikey: Guys, maybe we should put on some Christmas music to help everybody relax?

Beck: Maybe you’re right.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Alexa, play “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Alexa, play the politically correct version of “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Alexa, play “Santa Claus is coming to town by Michael Jackson.”

Chris: Dad!

Kenan: All right, all right. Play “Santa Claus is coming to town” by the Jackson 5.

Chris: That’s better.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: I mean, I don’t like all the democratic candidates but, I’d take any of them over four more years of Trump.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: I don’t agree with everything Trump is doing, but he’s way better than any of those democrats.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: You know who I’m starting to like a lot? That Pete Buttigieg. [everybody laughing]

Ego: Okay, okay, dad, that’s a good one.

Chris: You should have seen your face.

Kenan: You should have seen your face.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Oh, my god. I just got a notification. I tweeted a photo of Trump’s head on the body of a Charmin bear, and he didn’t realize it was a joke and he retweeted it. [laughing]

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Oh, my god, I tweeted that Nancy Pelosi was a libtard commie and Trump retweeted it and he nominated me to be a federal judge.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Oh, my god! Cory Booker just retweeted me and nobody noticed.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: Hey, why don’t we all say a secular blessing of thanks. Kevin, you want to lead us?

Kevin: I’d love to. Dear gender neutral spirits.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Dear white original American Jesus—

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Dear historically correct black Jesus.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Thank you for no more kneeling in the NFL. That was very hard for me.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Thank you, lord, for the not one, not two, but three black quarterbacks who have beat Tom Brady this season. Colin Kaepernick, you move in mysterious ways.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Thank you for the super bowl halftime show and that’s it.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Everybody: A-women!

[Cut to the snow man]

Snowman: Now, those three families may seem different but you see, they have one important thing in common. They live in states where their votes don’t matter, because none of them live in the three states that will decide the election. They’ll debate the issues all year long, but then it all comes down to a thousand people in Wisconsin who won’t even think about the election until the morning of. And that’s the magic of electoral college.

[Greta Thunberg walks in]

Great Thunberg: My name is Greta Thunberg. And I also have a Christmas message. In ten years, this snowman won’t exist. Her home will be a puddle. Santa, reindeer, the north pole, all of it, gone. The ice caps will melt and the elves will drown.

Snowman: Greta!

Greta Thunberg: What? You said keep it light. So merry, maybe our last Christmas to all and Donald Trump, step to me and I will come at you like plastic straw comes at a turtle. I cannot believe I’m saying this to a 70 year old man, but grow up.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

A Conway Marriage Story

Therapist… Scarlett Johansson

George Conway… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

News host… Alex Moffat

[Starts with a therapist talking to a couple]
Therapist: Alright, so I’m familiar with some of the differences of opinion that you’ve had publicly. I want to know what you love about each other. So, why don’t you two read your list. George, would you like to start?

[Cut to the couple]

George Conway: Okay.

Kellyanne Conway: Go ahead, babe.

George Conway: What I love about Kellyanne. [Cut to the couple laughing in a restaurant] She works so hard for her boss even though I hate his guts.

[Cut to Kellyanne reporting news]

Kellyanne Conway: I actually have been to the porter and the democrats are actually lying. The children are not drinking from toilets. [Cut to the news host in his news set] Because they actually did not—

News host: Kellyanne, we are out of time.

[Cut to Kellyanne]

Kellyanne Conway: They can use the corner.

News host: Let’s cut her mic? I don’t know.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you.

[Cut to George reading newspaper]

What I love about George, he always leaves his coffee mugs around. [His coffee mugs are all anti-Trump] He actually always tells me what he thinks about me to my face.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne having dinner]

George? [George is using his phone] George. Are you mad at me?

George Conway: Oh, no, no, no.

[Kellyanne’s phone beeps. Kellyanne checks, George has tweeted ‘Anyone who works for Trump is a demon.’]

Kellyanne Conway: George? Am I demon?

George Conway: Oh, from what? I can’t tell. I don’t even—I can’t see in here. It’s kind of dark and loud. I think I’m going through a tunnel.

Kellyanne Conway: George Conway. Do not subtweet me at the dinner table, please.

[Cut to Kellyanne treaming George’s hair.]

George Conway: We find ways to spend time together.

Kellyanne Conway: I love our little pet names.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne crossing paths in the hallway]

Kellyanne Conway: Hey loser!

George Conway: Hey wall!

We find ways to keep in touch during the workday.

[George is tweeting ‘Trump is a psychopath’]

[Cut to Kellyanne replying that tweet with ‘Hi Hon. We’re out of milk.’]

Kellyanne Conway: I love how my boss called him a stone-cold loser [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet saying ‘George Conway…a stone cold LOSER & husband from hell!’] and husband from hell. I’m sorry, that’s something that George—

George Conway: I love when she does poems on TV.

[Cut to George reading]

Kellyanne Conway: I love that he loves to read the DSM to find out whats wrong my boss.

George Conway: Narcissist, there it is.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne taking selfie in the street[

I love that when Ann Coulter set us up, she thought, “These two are perfect for each other.”

Kellyanne Conway: I love that we agree on the big stuff like small government and no food for the poor.

[George and Kellyanne sees a homeless man]

Both: Get a job.

George Conway: And I know I’m not supposed to but I even love our fights.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne fighting]

George Conway: I feel bad for you.

Kellyanne Conway: You are the one who introduced us, George.

George Conway: I didn’t know he’d be president.

Kellyanne Conway: You’re not even verified on twitter. Where is your blue check, George?

George Conway: Ah!

Kellyanne Conway: Jesus!

News: Jerrold Nadler has just announced articles of impeachment.

[George and Kellyanne are clearing the table to make out]

[Cut to George, Kellyanne and the therapist]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, so do you have what you need for your piece?

Therapist: Piece? Oh, I’m not a reporter. I’m a therapist.

George Conway: Oh, this isn’t for a book?

Therapist: Oh, no. What you say doesn’t leave this room?

Kellyanne Conway: Then why are we doing this? We’re going to go. We have to fight on “The View”.

George Conway: Hon, I got to be done by five for dinner with a Kathy Griffin.

Kellyanne Conway: Don’t get me all hot. Save it for the show!

[Ends]

The Corporal

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Jennifer Lopez

The corporal… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a show’s intro]

Announcer: Now we return to 1955. What do you figure is going on in that house?

[Cut to two women grooming each other]

Aidy: Well, sister, today is the day.

Kate: Yes. The corporal is coming for a visit to pick a wife.

Aidy: Yes. That’s right. He’s going to pick between us sisters, whoever is the most beautiful.

Kate: Well, we know he’ll take me because I’m the prettiest sister.

Aidy: No, I’m the prettiest sister.

[Third sister comes in]

Jennifer: Sisters. Did I miss the corporal?

Aidy and Kate: [yelling] No, get back in the room!

Jennifer: You’ll tell me when he’s here, right?

Aidy and Kate: Absolutely.

Jennifer: Well, I hope he likes me. Why do we keep all these mirrors covered? I wish I knew what I looked like.

Aidy: No, you don’t. You look like a toad.

Kate: Yes. Like a stinky man foot.

Aidy: Yes, look. We have a photograph of you.

[Aidy shows a horrible drawing of a stick-person]

Jennifer: Oh, that’s me?

Aidy: Yes, this is the best one we’ve got.

Kate: Yes, now go back upstairs.

Jennifer: You’re so good to me.

[Jennifer leaves]

Aidy: Seeing her for some reason, makes me want to put on a lot of make-up.

Kate: Me as well.

Aidy: Fine!

[Aidy and Kate walks to the mirror and starts putting on some makeup]

Kate: Here we are. I’ll put on some rouge to impress the corporal.

Aidy: Ah! Well, so will I. He’ll have no choice but to find me gorgeous.

Kate: Yes. Then I’ll put on more. I’ll be so pink he’ll have to make me his new wife.

Aidy: Well sister, you look stressed. Here, I made you a drink.

Kate: Why, that’s a cup of pills.

Aidy: Ah, so it is.

Kate: Oh, you just reminded me. Cartier sent a necklace for you. OH. Here, try this on. [It’s a rope people use for hanging to take their lives]

Aidy: Why, that’s a rope.

Kate: Oh, silly me.

Aidy: Well, sister, you have some lipstick on your teeth. Here, I’ll get it for you. [Aidy points a gun at Kate]

Kate: That’s a shot gun. Oh, well, so it is. I thought it was a Q-tip.

[Cut to the third sister walking in]

Jennifer: Sisters! I heard a commotion. Has the corporal arrived?

Aidy and Kate: Get back in the room!

Jennifer: Please, can’t I stay? I’ve never seen a man. Can’t I have a peek?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: What do you think?

Aidy: Well, we can’t have her barging in. Let’s keep her close but keep her hidden.

Kate: Right, right.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Sister, you can stay but you have to be a coat rack.

Jennifer: Well, of course. Because of how ugly I am. Thanks for reminding me. I’ll be a coat rack. Like this.

[Jennifer poses with her hands behind her head.]

Aidy and Kate: No, no.

Kate: That’s too ugly. Wroof! Is there a dog in here?

Aidy: Yeah, that won’t do. I know, we’ll put you in the bird cage.

Jennifer: Yes. Good idea. [Jennifer walks in the big bird’s cage herself] While I’m in here, I’ll make myself useful and polish the bars.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy and Kate: No. no. no.

Aidy: The corporal would hate that.

Kate: We can’t have her move.

Aidy: I know, it’s too damn hot when she moves.

Kate: Yes! Right.

Aidy: Let’s tie her to the bed.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Yes. Tie my hands above my head and make sure my feet are far apart so I can’t untie with my toes.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy:  Okay, you know what? Hearing that out loud, that sounds ugly.

Kate: Right, right. Maybe grunt a lot so he knows you’re a toad.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Oh, good idea. Good idea. [Jennifer starts moaning] Oh! Oh! OH! OH!

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: Okay, men hate that. And even I hate that a little bit.

Kate: She needs to be silent.

Jennifer: Good idea. [Cut to Jennifer] Maybe—maybe you should stuff a big sausage in my mouth.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: That feels like something.

Aidy: Yes. Sister, try to hide her is making it harder. You’re right. We need to take care of her.

Kate: Sister, listen, if you want to meet the corporal, you’ll need to know how to kiss.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Wait! Do you think he’d want to kiss me? A girl with a deadly shellfish allergy?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Well, that’s why you have to practice on this man. [Aidy gives Jennifer a lobster]

Jennifer: So, that’s what a man looks like?

Kate: Yes, They’re small, and they’re lobsters.

Jennifer: Okay. Hello. [Jennifer starts kissing the lobster] Oh, oh, no. It is making my lips swell. Oh, no, he’ll hate this.

[Jennifer is pouting]

Aidy: Okay. We have to shoot her.

[Kate takes a gun out shoots at Jennifer. It only cuts off her upper dress and the dress becomes strapless.]

Aidy and Kate: No!

Aidy: Now it’s strapless. And she’s gorgeous!

Kate: Yeah, but so are we. You know what? It’s still anybody’s game.

Aidy: Oh, who will he pick?

[Doorbell rings]

Aidy and Kate: The corporal!

[The corporal walks in and in no time he makeshis pick]

The corporal: [pointing at Jennifer] Her!

Weekend Update Nancy Pelosi Prays for Donald TrumpPrays for Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: This week, Nancy Pelosi was asked by a reporter if she hates president Trump. Here to comment, Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy Pelosi slides in]

Nancy Pelosi: Hello.

Colin Jost: Hi, Nancy. That journalist seem to really get under you skin with that question.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi]

Nancy Pelosi: You know, you never know who is self-identifying as a journalist these days. That word doesn’t mean what it used to. Thank you for the lively debate. Breitbart, Ryan Seacrest.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that reporter. Another reporter also asked if you felt bad for putting the country through whole impeachment process.

Nancy Pelosi: Everybody needs to understand, [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] I am not impeaching Trump because I hate him. I’m impeaching him because of rules. Look, I didn’t want any of this. Remember, it’s not my fault that we’re in this position. It is Trump’s fault. It is not the life guard’s fault for evacuating the pool. It is the rich kids who took a duke in the deep end.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You said that you pray for Trump. Do you actually pray for Trump?

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, I pray for him all the time. I’ll do it right now. [Cut to Nancy Peolsi. She joins her hands and starts praying] Lord, help president Trump. If he has to be president, please make him a little better at any of it. Please take him. Not to heaven or anything. Just somewhere else. Just for a little while. Mama needs a break.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And these are prayers?

Nancy Pelosi: Yes. Shh! [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] Dear lord almighty, teach him your values and help him understand the gold rule, what it means, and that it’s not a sex thing. God help him with his cares and concerns, like help him to have them about anyone or anything. Here’s an idea. Maybe place a curse on him like in the movie “Liar, liar,” where he is forced to tell the truth for just one week. Come on, lord, even you know that’d be funny.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: These prayers are a little passive aggressive.

Nancy Pelosi: No, no. Some of them are aggressive. Some of them are aggressive, aggressive. [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] Lord, please watch over Trump organization being run by Eric. Yikes! Please heal the republicans in the senate who all tragically lost their balls. And finally, please bless Lindsey Graham with a baby that’s black and gay.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Nancy Pelosi here, everyone.

Nancy Pelosi: I’ll pray for you Colin.

Wisconsin Women

Heidi Gardner
Alex Moffatt
Jennifer Lopez
Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong
Kimmy … Chloe Fineman
[Starts with people in hardware store.]
Heidi: Oh, look, honey, this is so cute. It’s like a read hardware store. It’s like basic needs things.
Speaker 2: Yeah, hey, babe, imagine me in these gloves. Look manly?
Heidi: It’d be so cute, huh? [Heidi and Speaker 2 walks to the store counter] Hi!
[Cut to everybody]
Jennifer: Hi there. How can we help you?
Heidi: Oh, my god, your tights are cute.
Kate: Oh, wow, you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. You hear that?
Jennifer: Yeah! She thinks these are tights. These are reinforced industrial leggings from tractor.
Cecily: Yeah, cute tights don’t matter when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, runnin’ through thorny brush like a tank.
Kate: Yeah. What matters is you don’t scratch your skunk.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Why would you be running through brush screaming?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Cecily: Well, to get away, you know?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: From what?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: I don’t know if you heard but you’re deep in Wisconsin’s bear country.
Kate: Yeah. We have a ton of black bears.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: I’m sorry. Aren’t they hibernating right now?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: Hah! Did you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. That’s why they’re supposed to be doing. But so many city folks get houses out here and don’t secure their trash.
Kate: Yeah. We call them cidiots!.
Jennifer: These bears, they’re like my husband. He could be sawing logs in the lazy boy but as soon as I come in the door with my Mickey D’s quarter pounder, he’s wide awake ripping my bag apart and—ba dab a ba b,a he’s lovin’it.
Kate: So, what you need today?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: Well, we rented a house and we’re having some friends up and we just want to be prepared.
[Cut to the store keepers]
Cecily: So how many folks you having up?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Like 15.
[Cut to the store keepers]
Kate: Hey, you got to be careful on something. You don’t want that sucker up the wall.
Cecily: Yeah! you’re gonna need some bacteria kegs to keep that under control. Everybody doing their morning constitutional.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Um, I think our friends would probably just go to Starbucks.
[Cut to everybody]
Kate: Come here, come here.
[Kimmy runs in]
Why don’t you get them something. Cakes. We have the savings from our owns to put in.
Kimmy: On it!
[Kimmy runs away]
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2 confused.]
Speaker 2: Wow! Is that all of her hair?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Kate: Yeah. My girl!
Jennifer: It’s never been cut. She still has her baby hair on the end.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: So is Kimmy your daughter?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: No, she’s nobody’s daughter. She came with the hardware store.
Cecily: Yeah, yeah. She’s just, you know, always been here.
Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, sometimes I hear her cursing and throwing things in the stock room. I’m assuming it’s a shadow from her past.
Cecily: Yeah, local paper wrote about how she was the Rapunzel of this hardware store.
[Kimmy runs in with something in her hand]
Kimmy: I found the septic cake.
Cecily: Okay. here you go. This should do you.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Oh my god! Babe, what did I do with my keto bar?
Speaker 2: Oh! You know what? I think you left it outside because you don’t want anyone to think you eat.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Look!
[Cut to a bear outside the store.]
[Cut to everybody]
Jennifer: She left a snack bar out? Are you crazy? That bear woke up for it.
Kate: Oh, cidiots!
Cecily: He is supposed to be asleep.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Honey, look how stupid adorable he is.
Jennifer: Adorable? Get the bear repellant.
Kimmy: Getting it and got it.
Kate: Now go outside and spray that bear. It’s your turn.
Kimmy: I am on it.
Cecily: Yeah! Spray works good, right? But, that’s a pain in the tush.
[Kimmy walks to the bear to spray on it.]
Cecily: Uh-oh, can’s not working. Kimmy’s bear repellant must have a faulty part.
[Cut to the bear killing Kimmy.]
[Cut to everybody]
Kate: That bear is flinging Kimmy by her hair.
Cecily: There she goes. Throwing her like a Frisbee.
Jennifer: Yeah. Oh, she’s up. She’s up. Kimmy, get inside.
[Kimmy runs in. She doesn’t has her hair.]
Kimmy: I survived but I lost my hair.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Cute hair cut. I’m getting that.
Jennifer: No, I don’t go out there.
Speaker 2: Okay. Is she going to be okay?
Kate: No. NO, she’s dead for sure.
[Cut to Heidi and the bear taking a selfie]
[Cut to everybody inside]
Cecily: Okay, now, that’s new and different.

Pizza Ad

Director… Mikey Day

Mrs. Richard… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Richard… Will Farrell

Daughter… Heidi Gardner

Son… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a commercial director briefing the Richard’s family]

Director: What’s up Richard’s family? Winners of bertucci pizza, no. 1 fan contest. We are pumped to have you guys in our commercial.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: We’re so excited. Ha-ha.

Mr. Richard: This is cool for us.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yeah, we eat here like everyday.

Son: It’s legit, like, good.

[Cut to Director]

Director: Okay, great. So, the commercial will be you guys just talking about the pizza being yourselves.

Mr. Richard: Oh, stuff like, “Nice pizza!”

Mrs. Richard: Or like, “On, nummy, nummy! I’m all horned up for this pizza!”

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Eww! Mom, no.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: What? Come on! It makes me wanna do my horny dance.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: No! Oh, my god!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: What? It’s a commercial. Sex sells.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom! We’re being embarrassing. Don’t like, ruin this!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]

Mr. Richard: Yeah, honey! Don’t get us fired before we get started!

[Cut to Director]

Director: No way! You guys are going to be great, okay? Mom, just trying to keep it natural. Alright? Okay, action!

[Cut to
Mr. Richard]

Mr. Richard: This is some cheesy pizza.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: This is so good.

Son: Best pizza ever!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard. She is staring at the floor.]

Director: Hey, mom! You wanna eat that pizza?

Mrs. Richard: No!

Director: You don’t?

Mrs. Richard: No! Not now. I don’t want to.

Director: Are you doing okay mom?

Mrs. Richard: I’m great! I’m gonna go, I’ll be waiting in the car. Cold and starving.

Director: Alright, and cut! [Cut to everybody] Um, come on! No way, mom, we need you. Dad, kids, great job. And mom, let’s just try to keep it fun, okay?

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom, be happy. Please.

[Cut to Director]

Director:Yeah, alright? You guys ready? Okay. Here we go. And, action!

[Cut to the Richard’s family]

Director: How about some pepperoni?

Mr. Richard: Well, heck yes!

Son and Daughter: Alright!

Director: And mom? I think you want some of our famous garlic nuts.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: Well, it doesn’t matter what I want.

Director: Come on! Everybody loves garlic nuts.

Mrs. Richard: How can I eat it if I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut?

Director: No way, mom! Come on! Chow down, mom!

Mrs. Richard: Just give me the crust, from the trash. Whatever the raccoons don’t want. I’m a raccoon. I stink like a skank!

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Mom, what?

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: I’m a skanky skank! I run my skank ass off because moms are skank.

Director: And cut! [Cut to everybody] Cut, cut, cut! Um, can we kind of check in with mom here?

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom! Chill! We were just kidding.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: Well, you made fun of me all day.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yea, just because everything you say is weird and bad.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: You know what? Just film them. I shouldn’t have come. I missed my volunteering for this. I teach typing on Deathrow. Those men appreciate me.

[Mrs. Richard stands and walks away.]

[Cut to Director]

Director: Yeah! Um, let’s give mom a breather and why don’t we just get some B roll of you guys. And dad, do me a favor, just talk to the kids like you’re having dinner, whatever the three of you normally talk about, okay? Alright, and action.

[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids. They are awkward.]

Mr. Richard: How’s your period? And son, fight me.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Dad! Awkward!

[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids.]

Director: Okay, looks like dad’s kind of lost without mom. Let’s just go back to talking about pizza. [Cut to Mr. Richard acting upset.] Hey dad, you like sausage? Oh, no, dad! Oh, no!

Mr. Richard: I can’t do anything without your mother. Okay? Anything! Once she went out of town honey, I put bleach on my cereal. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I thought it was milk. I hired a prostitute to show me how the oven worked. [He starts crying]

Director: Okay, oh, no dad! Looks like you’re crying. What’s going on bud?

Mr. Richard: She is the greatest woman in the world.

[Mrs. Richard walks in]

Mrs. Richard: Oh dear!

Mr. Richard: She helped me believe in Santa Clause until I was 28 years old. And what did I give her in return? At our wedding, I sneezed on the alter. Broke her nose with my head. Last Christmas, your mother was being attacked by a bat in the garage. She told me to get a shovel. I went to a bar. I f-ing love her.

Director: Okay, this isn’t really about pizza anymore.

Mrs. Richard: Oh, Jerry. You’re my king.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yeah! Dad’s right. We need you. You’re our mom.

[Cut to the Richards]

Mrs. Richard: What did you say?

Daughter: You’re our mom.

Son: Yeah! You’re our mom.

Mr. Richard: [whispering] You’re our mom!

Mrs. Richard: I sure am. And thank god. You make me a mommy and that’s all I ever wanted to be.

Mr. Richard: So, what do you say we all get horned up for this pizza?

All: Yeah!

Announcer: Bertucci’s, horny for family.

[Cheers and applause]

Cut for Time: Harry Styles Sketch

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

English Kevin… Will Ferrell

[Starts with SNL stage]

Announcer: Last week’s episode featured host and musical guest Harry Styles. As usual, there were several sketches cut for time, including one scene that was particularly heartbreaking because only Harry Styles could have played the part. Or so we thought. Will Ferrell, always competitive, said, “If Harry Styles can do it, so can I. After all, I was doing sketch comedy when Harry was just a fetus in his mom’s butt.” Thus, the sketch was rescued and given a second life. This… is that sketch.

[Cut to three girls talking in a school canteen]

Aidy: Hey, girlfriends. Did you hear about this new hottie boom-body who transferred to our school from England?

Cecily: Wow, a hot English teen? Sign me up.

Kate: Sign me up as well. If he’s half as hot and teenage as you say he is, I’m going to be sliding right off this small chair.

Aidy: Oh, trust me. He is. His body is smooth and young like a baby seal, but with abs.

Cecily: But, can he sing? I need a boy who can sing.

Kate: Yeah, and if he sings, he better dance too.

Aidy: Girlfriends, you are in luck. He sings like an angel and he dances like the devil himself.

Kate: Oh-oh! Clean up on aisle my pants.

Aidy: Shh! Girlfriends, here he comes.

[music playing]

[English Kevin walks in]

English Kevin: Hello, hey. It’s me, the new kid.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Oh, my god. He’s the ultimate dream machine.

Kate: You weren’t kidding about his body.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Who, me? Don’t look at me. I’m shy.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: I can’t believe he’s still in school and not modeling full time.

Kate: Wait, someone say something before I get pregnant just looking at him.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Hey, what’s your name?

English Kevin: English Kevin. I’m from London. England that is.

Kate: I love exotic men.

Cecily: I know, his hot English accent is driving me crazy.

Aidy: Okay, quick, say, “Fancy a cup of tea my sweet.”

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Fancy a tea of sweet you cup?

[Cut to the three girls]

Kate: Wow, sexy and smart.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Um, this many.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: I think he means 17.

Kate: Wow, which means he’s legal. Okay, jackpot!

[Cut to English Kevin licking ice-cream]

English Kevin: Don’t look at me. Let me eat my soft, soft ice-cream.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! That’s good.

Aidy: Yeah, very hot! And good.

Kate: Is Gwyneth Paltrow operating a website in my pants? Because they’re full of goop.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Oops! Did I make a little mess?

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Um, and I love all his sexy tattoos. Tell us about them English Kevin.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: This one’s a dolphin which is a friendly shark. This one’s a horse with a sword on his head. These are extinct except in my dreams. And this is a Chinese character meaning tattoo.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Wow, are we at a sea food restaurant? Because I’ve got a steamed clam.

Kate: English Kevin, will you do a cool skateboard trick for us?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Um, I don’t think I should because English Kevin just had knee surgery. And his kids– I mean friends are worried about him.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Ooh! Is that a text message from one of your thousands of girlfriends?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Nope. That’s just a reminder for English Kevin to take his lip to talk.

[Cut to the three girls]

Kate: Then, sing us a song and do us a dance.

Cecily: Yeah, we know you have something prepared.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Yeah, sure. I’m just having a little trouble breathing because my hip clothes are so tight. But, here it goes. Two, three, four.

[Cut to everybody]

[dancing and singing horribly]

Baby you light up my world like nobody else

The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell
You don’t know, oh oh
You don’t know you’re beautiful

[English Kevin jumps and tears his pants]

Ah! My fashion jeans! Oh! F-ing S-word! You all see my D-word, and my B-spot!

[Cut to the three girls pretending they’re closing their eyes]

Aidy: Oh, but don’ worry. We won’t look.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Please, nobody look at my D-word. I brought it from England with me. And I call it Big-Ben.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Oh! Because it’s big like the clock tower?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: No, because it’s pretty messed up like Ben Roethlisberger.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: English Kevin, I think you’re gonna fit in just fine just around here.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Cheeky! But seriously, this is Will talking. I need help getting up and my thing is out.

Cut for Time: Cast List

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Caspar… Mikey Day

Pri… Cecily Strong

Myles… Kyle Mooney

Tyson… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Koneg… Will Farrell

Tabby… Ego Nwodim

Camdan… Bowen Yang

Trinity… Kenan Thompson

Tech director… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of actors waiting for the cast list]

Beth: Oh my god! I can’t wait any longer. I have to know if I’m the musical.

Caspar: I know. This is like, the latest Mr. Koneg ever posted the cast list. Like, last year, Gospel was up at like, 10.

Pri: You’re so good in Gospel.

Caspar: I know.

Myles: What if I just like, ran right through this door?

[everybody laughing]

Caspar: That’s hilarious. [Cut to Caspar and Pri] I hope I get to play Conorad Birdie.

Pri: Oh! You know you will. You’re the most talented male in the department.

[Cut to everybody]

Caspar: You really think so?[walking around]

Tyson: Oh, yes! I could never do what you’re doing right now.

Aidy: Okay, I just hope I get to play a person in this show, because I already played a dog in “Annie and the Dog”, and a foot in “The beauty and the beast.”

Pri: Yeah, but you’re so good at playing parts with no lines.

Aidy: Yeah!

[The director, Mr. Koneg, comes in. The actors stay quiet.]

Mr. Koneg: I see the sharks are circling boat.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Ha-ha-ha. So funny, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Shut up Beth.

[Cut to the actors]

Pri: Mr. Koneg, is the cast list done?

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: [sigh] No. Just wanted to inform you all we will be using Hamilton casting rules for this show. So, any race for any part, unless of course, it strikes me as weird. Also, don’t read too much into this, but one senior girl is going to be very disappointed.

[Mr. Koneg looks at Beth and walks out.]

[Cut to the actors]

Beth: Oh my god! I knew it. Mr. Koneg hates me.

Aidy: Don’t be too loud, because I think he likes to watch us spin out through the masks in the door.

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

[Cut to the actors]

Caspar: Beth, if you don’t get a good part, I don’t even want to do the show. I mean, I have to do it to my senior show, and I’m definitely going to do it no matter what. But still, I’m sorry.

[Mr. Koneg comes in again.]

Mr. Koneg: Miles, would you kiss a girl with tongue if the role required it? I know your family is that difficult kind of Christian.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Um, I need to pray on that, see what god leads me to.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god I need an answer now.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, then, yes sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god, gracias. Pri and Tyson, stand next to each other.

[Pri and Tyson walk forward and stand next to each other]

Tyson: Is this good sir? Your hair looks great by the way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Oh! You’re going to kiss my ass, at least tell me how it tastes.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Sorry sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: You read like such virgins. Aren’t you dating? Have you not gone all the way?

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Pri: Um, no comments.

Tyson: We’re working up to it sir. We’re currently at her jeans on, my jeans and underwear off, my shirt off, her shirt and usually jacket on.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: So, you’re naked and she is fully clothed.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson nodding yes.]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Your homework before home week is to bang each other’s brains out. And don’t know if you did it, by the way, you carry yourselves.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Absolutely.

Pri: Whatever it takes.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, can I see you stand like a mayor?

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Oh, my god! The mayor has two lines. This is not happening. No!

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, mayor stands! Meme suspenders please!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: [crying] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Hmm, thank you. Tabby, do you want a leading role?

[Cut to Tabby]

Tabby: Um, I don’t know. I’ll carry either way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: And that’s why you’ll get one. Caspar!

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Conorad Birdie is an Elvis type. Sing something like you’ve bedded one thousand women.

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes!

[singing]

There goes the baker with his tray like always

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Koneg: Stop! God! You’re talented.

[Cut to Beth smiling at Mr. Koneg]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: By the way, the show is canceled.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again.]

Everybody: Aw! What? [Cut to the actors]

Aidy: Guys, no matter happens, we all did a great job.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg walking in with a list]

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg is walking slowly. The actors are trying to look at the list. Mr. Koneg is going to put the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Oopsie! I forgot some tape.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again with the list with him]

Everybody: Oh! No!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Guys, if I got the mayor role, I’ll probably get out of school.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg walks in with a list again.]

Mr. Koneg: [looking at Camdan] Mr. Mayor!

Everybody: Oh!

[Mr. Koneg sticks the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Back up please!

Caspar: What are you doing?

Mr. Koneg: First it must be initiated by choreographer.

[Trinity walks in]

Everybody: Trinity!

Mr. Koneg: Shh!

[Cut to everybody. Trinity checks the list and walks towards the actors.]

Trinity: [looking at Beth] I’m sorry.

Everybody: No! Oh my god!

[The actors try to look at the list]

Mr. Koneg: [covering the list] Ah-ah-ah! Please! And our tech director.

[Cut to the tech director walks in and checks the list]

Tech Director: This is going to be a bitch to like, but I was promised new gel. So, um, stay tuned.

Mr. Koneg: Well, here is your meet.

[Mr. Koneg walks out. The actors rush to look at the list.]

Caspar: Oh, my god! He double cast it? We each only get to do one night?

Everybody: What? No!

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

Mr. Koneg: Yes! Gorgeous sweet chaos!

Cinema Classics: The Wizard of Oz

Reese DeWhat… Kenan Thompson

Aunt Emma… Aidy Bryant

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Hunk… Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Dr. Pickens… Will Farrell

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Announcer: You’re watching “Cinema Classics” on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to “Cinema Classics.” I’m your host Reese De’What. Tonight we take a closer look at the beloved 1939 film, “The wizard of OZ.” And recently discovered never before seen alternative ending. Why did they film this ending? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she learned in her exercise class, and I said, “acceptance?” Worst couple’s balloon ride ever. Let’s take a look now at the alternate ending in which Dorothy wakes up to find out that her adventures in OZ were all a dream.

[Cut to the movie. The house is falling down.]

[Cut to Dorothy dreaming]

Aunt Emma: Wake up, Dorothy.

Dorothy: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

Aunt Emma: Dorothy, Dear, It’s aunt Emma, darling.

Dorothy: Auntie Em, it’s you.

Aunt Emma: You’ve got quite the bump on the head. We thought we might lose you for a moment.

Dorothy: Oh, but I did go. I left. And I tried to get back for days and days.

Aunt Emma: Well, there, there. You just had a bad dream.

[Hunk and two other men walk in]

Hunk: Remember me, your old pal Hunk?

Mikey: What about me?

Beck: You couldn’t forget my face, could you?

Dorothy: No, but it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you were there and you were there. And you and you were a lion and a tin man, and a scarecrow.

[A dwarf walks in. He is Dr. Pickens.]

Dr. Pickens: And what about me? Was I there? Was I in your dream?

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Dr. Pickens.

Aunt Emma: Yes, doctor. Thanks for coming to check on Dorothy.

Dr. Pickens: She seems fine. So, was I in your dream?

Dorothy: I’m trying to remember.

[Other dwarfs walk in]

Kyle: And what about us?

Bowen: Yeah!

Chris: Yeah!

Maya: Were we in the dream?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Well, I mean, everyone was in the—Hey, where’s breakfast?

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What was in the dream? Was I a doctor there, too?

Dorothy: Does it really matter what everybody was?

Chris: What about me? Was I also a teacher?

Kyle: And was I a lawyer?

Dr. Pickens: Tell me what I was.

Dorothy: Okay, well, um, actually, you were a mayor.

Dr. Pickens: Really? A mayor? Of where? New York, Chicago?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: I’d love to move off the dream stuff, but if you’re insisting it was— Munchkinland.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: Munchkinland?

Bowen: What were we, funny little weirdos?

Dr. Pickens: To make you laugh?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, no. Not at all.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What were we wearing?

Dorothy: What?

Dr. Pickens: [Yelling] What were we wearing?

Dorothy: Well— [Dorothy looks at her dolls]

[Cut to the baby dolls]

Kyle: Oh, my god. [Cut to the dwarfs] When you close your eyes that’s how you see us? As your little nightmare baby dolls?

[Cut to Dorothy]
Dorothy: No, no! You were all heroes in your own small ways.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: I wish the tornado had killed you.

Aunt Emma: Doctor!

Dr. Pickens: Sorry, but I’m mad as hell.

Kyle: Me, too.

Bowen: So mad! [They all start dancing] Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: This is the exact dance you did in the dream.

Aunt Emma: That’s pretty adorable.

Chris: So, we just dance for your amusement?

Dr. Pickens: Like fools?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, no, you danced on the grave of the lady I killed. [Cut to everybody] That was your job as part of lollipop. Guild.

Maya: So, we owned a lollipop factory?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, you just kind of held them, kissed them and rode them. Around like little horses.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Kyle: Oh, my god. So these lollipops–

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Were bigger than your head? Yes. It’s more dignified than it sounds. The munchkins, you see, were a noble race.

[Cut to Kyle and Bowen]

Bowen: Race?

Dorothy: I can’t help what I dreamed. [Cut to Dorothy] There were all sorts of creatures there.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Creatures?

Dorothy: Yeah, like flying monkeys.

Kyle: So we’re on the same level as an airborne chimp.

Dorothy: I’m so sorry. I know this all sounds strange, but you were a very important part of the adventure.

Maya: So, we were with you the whole way?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, I kind of peaced out to the woods with my dog and I think maybe saw that one of you had hanged yourself?

[Cut to Dr. Pickens]

Dr. Pickens: And what did you do about it?

[Cut to Dorotny]

Dorothy: Um, goodnight.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Let’s get our of here. Your house is a dump, by the way.

[Cut to Dorothy pretending to sleep]

[Cheers and applause]