Tag: Kate McKinnon

Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump]

[Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

Judge Barry

Police… Alex Moffat

Judge Barry… Chance the Rapper

Patricia Jones… Ego Nwodim

Judith Baker… Aidy Bryant

Ladenzel Jenkins… Chris Redd

Man with a puppet… Kyle Mooney

Male exotic dancer… Bowen Yang

Andrew Wilson… Mikey Day

Joanne McCormack… Melissa Villaseñor

Glady’s Feldman… Kate McKinnon

Apollo Benz… Jason Momoa

[Starts with “First Impressions Court” intro]

Announcer: He takes no nonsense. And he takes no more than 10 seconds to reach a verdict. He’s judge Barry and this is “First Impressions Court”.

[Cut to the court room]

Police: All rise. The honorable Judge Barry Presiding.

Judge Barry: All right. Thank you. Be seated.

Police: Your honor, this is case number 18 on the docket.

[Patricia Jones walks to the judge]

Announcer: 26-year-old Patricia Jones is suing her former friend for $2,700 after she alleges he stole her car while she was asleep and still hasn’t returned it.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby walking in. He’s wearing a nice suit.]

The defendant, 53-year-old Trevor Brisby says that he—

[Gavel knocks]

Judge Barry: Guilty! [Cut to Judge Barry] He did it! Next case.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Hold on, now. With all due respect, your majesty, but you haven’t even heard my side of the story yet, man.

[Cut to Judge Bary]

Judge Barry: Sir, I’ve been a Chicago judge for 31 years. I don’t have to hear your side. I’m looking at you in that ridiculous high lighter suit and I know for a fact that you’re guilty of something.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Well, now, wait a minute. Please, your majesty. Come on! Just let me explain.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: You’ve got ten seconds.

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: Well, I thank you for that. Now, first of all, the only reason I’m up in here is because this woman is trying to have sexual penetrations on me.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Excuse me?

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: You know I got that magic stick, baby.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Okay, you’re disgusting.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Get him out of here. Judgment is for the plaintiff. Next case.

[Cut to Judith Baker walking in]

Announcer: Plaintiff Judith Baker says she is owed $325 after the defendant, her ex-boyfriend, [Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins walking in] 29-year-old Ladenzel Jenkins.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Hold on. Your name is Ladenzel? Oh, you definitely guilty.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: But you ain’t even hear my story!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Whatever it is, you did it, man. Look at how you came to court.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: Look, your highness, me and this woman ain’t never even dated.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Yes, we did. We have a son together.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: That is a lie. You can’t get pregnant on the first time. Everybody knows that.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. Just pay the lady. Let’s keep this thing moving. Next case.

[Cut to a man walking in with a puppet]

Announcer: The plaintiff – [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: He’s guilty. He’s guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I’m the plaintiff.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Plaintiff, defendant, I don’t care. I just know that you’re guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I have a special surprise witness.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Let me guess, it’s a puppet?

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: All right, I’m going to go.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Yeah, wise choice. Next case!

[Cut to a male exotic dancer walking in]

Announcer: A male exotic dancer— [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Next case! Guilty. All right. Can we do one with normal people?

[Cut to Andrew Wilson walking in]

Announcer: Andrew Wilson is suing his former tenant and coworker, [Cut to Joanne McCormack walking in] Joanne McCormack for a broken lease, stolen furniture and appliances amounting to $5,000.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Okay. Okay. This is a tough one.

[Cut to Andrew Wilson]

Andrew Wilson: Your honor, his lady may look innocent, but she is a con-artist, a liar, and a thief.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Interesting. Ma’am?

[Cut to Joanne McCormack]

Joanne McCormack: Okay, first of all, that’s a dang lie. He just mad because want to do — with me!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. He wins. Almost had me. All right let’s do one more. I got night church in an hour.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman walking in]

Announcer: Glady’s Feldman is suing her former live-in nurse, [Cut to Apollo Benz walking in] Apollo Benz for stolen cash.

Apollo Benz: Now, listen, your hombre. I see the way you’re looking at me right now, and I know what you’re thinking.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: That you bang old ladies and then steal their money?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: That may be so, but I’m not just some dumb gigolo. I’m also a certified paraplegic—legal. So I understand the law.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: Your honor, this man is a thief.

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Excuse me! She stole from me first.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Oh, really, what did she steal?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: My heart.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: 

You know what, you gave me the biggest and best Os of my life. But I still want my money and my chandelier earrings. They’ve been in my family for generations.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Sir, do you have this woman’s earrings too?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Wait, these? [Apollo Benz opens his shirt. He is wearing her earrings on his nipples.]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty! I need a big boy break. Let’s take a recess. [Gavel sound]

[Ending with First Impression Court outro]

Announcer:  It’s “First Impressions Court” with judge Barry.

Choir Fashion

Evelyn McIntosh… Aidy Bryant

Diana Krill… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Chance the Rapper

[Starts with Dazzle Design Choir Attire intro]

[Choir singers singing]

[Cut to Evelyn McIntosh and Diana Krill]

Evelyn McIntosh: Hi, I’m Evelyn McIntosh.
Diana Krill: And I’m Diana Krill.

Evelyn McIntosh: And we’re the proud owners of Dazzle Designs.

Diana Krill: Your premiere source for show choir attire. As directors of a team show choir, we wear many hats. Director, pianist, coming out sounding board and fashion designer.

Evelyn McIntosh: When your group of 60 teens is standing on risers for six hours in the basketorium, they should look exactly as good as they sound.

Diana Krill: Whether you’re doing a Messiah or an ill-advised African tune. We’ve got you covered.

[Music starts playing]

[Both singing choir]

Evelyn McIntosh: Well, let’s take a look at some of our designs. [A picture of a model with a dress appears on the left side] This cool team dress has an air of elegance, best described as Amish Bat Mitzvah.

Diana Krill: Guaranteed to have your teen daughter looking like the fiancée of an important Nazi.

[Both singing choir]

Both: Moon river.

Diana Krill: Here to help model our menswear look are the most talented and only boys in our choir, the Trevors.

[Cut to the Trevors]

Everyone: Hi!

Pete Davidson: I’m a bass.

Chris Redd: I’m a tenor.

Chance the Rapper: And I’m a bully.

[Cut to Evelyn McIntosh and Diana Krill]

Evelyn McIntosh: Oh, boys, you’re perfect. Now, show them what you’re wearing.

[Cut to the Trevors]

Pete Davidson: Look like you’re going to a prom, where the theme is virginity.

Chance the Rapper: Rent them pre-stinky from school and pair them with your dead uncle’s dress shoes.

Chris Redd: The buttons let you know it’s Velcro!

Chance the Rapper: They’re made for dancing, and by dancing, I mean a terrified this. [All three of them showing a nervous dance step]

[Cut to Evelyn McIntosh and Diana Krill]

Evelyn McIntosh: Now, let’s see some daring ensembles.

[A picture of two models wearing matching clothes at the left side]

Children are gift. Put them in a bag. Wide shoulder, everybody boat neck.

Diana Krill: As a choir director, you’ll love how the shinyness of these outfits distracts the audience from your dancing.

[The picture chances to am model wearing a black dress and a hat.]

Evelyn McIntosh: Now, this is a spunky look because of the sexual hat. And a skirt that lands at the widest part of every girl’s leg.

Diana Krill: Can’t you picture her singing modern hit from the radio?

[Music playing]

Both: I don’t want a place to stay [laughing]

Make my day Make my day

Evelyn McIntosh: All right, let’s see our final and best look on  boys.

[Cut to the Trevors]

Chris Redd: Complement your four-part harmonies with a 22-piece tuxedo ensemble.

Chance the Rapper: Complete with pockets, buttons, and no rear vent. Those farts are coming out of your mouth.

Pete Davidson: We got these from a magician supply warehouse, so some of the pockets still have a dead doves in them.

[Cut to Evelyn McIntosh and Diana Krill]

Evelyn McIntosh: Want to know more? Visit our website, print it out. Fax the printout to our son. He’ll mail you a phone number which is a website.

Diana Krill: We accept all major credit cards, Visa, Disney and Kohl’s.

Evelyn McIntosh: So dazzle today!

[The Trevors join them]

[Music starts playing and every is singing]

[Ends with Dazzle Designs outro]

SoulCycle

Ego Nwodim

Mark… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Flint… Bowen Yang

Deacon… David Harbour

Trix… Heidi Gardner

Kyle… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip of SoulCycle outlet]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this is SoulCycle. You’ll love it.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

I go every lunch break.

Mark: Oh, so that’s where you run off to?

Ego Nwodim: Oh, pass.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Hey, guys, we are so psyched you’re here for this very special class. It’s SoulCycle instructor additions. Today you’ll be riding with multiple cyclists who are in the final stages of joining the SoulCycle family. Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: They’re auditions instructors?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah. That’s why the class was free.

Mark: Who did I give $80 to?

Flint: What’s up, what’s up, SoulCycle White Harlem? My name is Flint, like the water. Let’s get those leg muscles going while I tell you what I’m about. I live life with no regrets. Abraham Lincoln died. It didn’t have to happen. Poor guy. If I’d been there I would have stopped it, but I wasn’t. Will you be? Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Is he suggesting we’ll save Lincoln somehow?

Ego Nwodim: The instructors only say things to try and inspire you. You’re supposed to move your legs, Mark.

Mark: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Deacon]

Deacon: Dope, dope, dope, SoulCycle. My name is Deacon. And just a warning, I have an addiction to pushing myself and cocaine. Because I don’t believe in giving up. Check it. I was this close to playing a dead guy in the J. Lo in the movie ‘Hustler’ but I didn’t get it because they didn’t call me in for an audition, but when J. go Lo, I go high! Let’s ride.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Wow. Using Michelle Obama like that. What do you think?

Ego Nwodim: Mark, you’re sweating but you’re not moving. Pedal!

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: Hey, SoulCyclers. My name is Trix. Here’s my story. In highs school, I was bullied for being too tall, too thin, too pretty. They called me model girl, or, “Hey, model.” But I wasn’t a model. Yet. And how do you think that made me feel?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Good?

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: We’re here to lift each other up. So turn to your neighbor and complement one part of their body. Be specific.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Toned back.

Ego Nwodim: I am not doing that.

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: And look at me now. My boyfriend is one of the Josh’s from “Million Dollar Listing.” Let’s ride!

[Cut to Deacon, Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Deacon: I am going to put a candle in front of the person I think is doing the worse.

Mark: Me?

Deacon: You have sad eyes, ma’am.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Damn, they call me Kyle but I’m a girl we’re going to do a little core. Okay, three, two, one and funk the bike, funk the bike, funk the bike.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: I don’t want to be rude, but I can tell you you’re bad at sex.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that’s nor rude.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I didn’t always push myself like this you guys. I got kicked out of scientology because I was too lazy. Never again. Let’s ride.

[Clint walks in]

Flint: May I have this dance? This moment is so much more than us and our beautiful bodies. This morning I googled racism, and guess what? It bummed me out. And then I googled gay racism and that was even worse. You know what I did? I flushed my computer down the toilet, because I don’t need that negativity in my life! Let’s ride!

[Deacon walks in]

Deacon: Mind if I shine? Look, this was been my dream ever since acting was who hard. I put my life on hold last week when I lost my leg because a lumberjack thought it was a tree trunk but after believing hard enough, my leg grew back! Gandhi once said, two roads to versions of wood, I’ll take both. Let’s ride.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily Strong: Hi. Congratulations. You’re all-stars and you’re officially SoulCycle instructors!

Deacon: Whew.

Cecily Strong: No, no, no. Except for you. Your backpack was full of cocaine.

Deacon: Wow. You went through my bag?

Cecily Strong: Well, I guess we’re bot fired.

[Cheers and applause]

Sauce

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Nana… David Harbour

Marco… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with three grandchildren visiting their grandparents]

Melissa: Nana, papa, we’re here.

Kyle: Where are they?

Cecily: Oh, my god. Nana’s sauce smells so good.

[Cut to Nana and Marco entering the room]

Nana: Oh! Amore! Grandchildren. I never see you. You always in school. I’m so happy you’re here! [Nana hugs her grandchildren] Oh! Come in. Give your grandma a hug. I’m making sauce for you, ah? [Nana looks at Marco] Hey! Marco! What are you doing at the sauce spot? Stay away from my sauce.

[Cut to Marco looking at the sauce]

Marco: I just think it needs to be a little more thick. You know? You don’t want a runny sauce. It’ll run all over the noodles. The noodles go in the sauce.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: What do you put in there?

Marco: I put parmesan.

Nana: [Looking at her grandchildren] You see what I put up with? Huh?

[Cut to Marco]

Marco: She put up with that because she like the way I make love to her. Short and slow.

[Cut to grandchildren]

Kyle: Hey grandpa, good to see ya.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]
Nana: Oh, he joking but all the dirty stuff. Huh?

Marco: I’m not. I’m not. I can’t resist this woman. Her kiss is like a fine wine. The older she gets the better they taste.

[Cut to grandchildren]

Cecily: Yeah. We get it, that’s sweet to know.

Kyle: Is it? Yeah, it is.

Melissa: Anyway, you guys, the sauce smells great.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: Oh, thank you. I’ve been working on it all day.

Marco: It smell a little thin to me.

Nana: Marco! Get away from the sauce. Get your body away from the sauce!

Marco: Get my what away from the sauce?

Nana: I think you heard me. Your body.

[Cut to Marco]

Marco: Oh, you’re thinking about my body? Is that what you say? Then get ready for it because it’s crazy for you right now.

Nana: Oh, get off me, old man. The grandchildren, no! They’re going to see we all sex 24/7.

[Cut to grandchildren]

Cecily: No, we don’t think that. We don’t want to think that.

Kyle: Yeah. The sauce is maybe almost ready.

Melissa: Smells like it could almost be ready.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: Oh! You’re right. You’re right. You can tell when the sauce is ready by the smell in the air. Isn’t that right, Marco?

Marco: I think it could have been more thick. It look like a juice. That’s not sauce. That’s like a Hawaiian punch.

Nana: Oh! That’s my sauce you talk about. I have to smack you up side of back of the head. Don’t talk about my sauce.

Marco: You know what? Sometimes when you get angry at me, it makes my thing work again.

Nana: Oh, you like when I get angry ah, do you? That’s what Marco wants? What? You want me spank you? Yeah! You want me degrade you in front of the grandchildren?

Marco: You tell me. I wanted you to be in charge.

Nana: Oh!

[Cut to grandchildren]

Kyle: If the sauce isn’t ready, we can just go out. Us three, just go to get Italian out somewhere.

Melissa: Yeah. We could step out. Unless this is part of it for you which I would not like.

Cecily: Yeah. We could go out and eat. So we can come back and have a different time. Something unlike we’re having now.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: No. There’s so much sauce. It will go to waste. Marco, Marco, you upset the grandchildren with that spice around me.

Marco: Can you believe it? I date this woman for 54 years, she’s still turning me on like I’m a young boy. I’m ready to sew my seed and – get soiled, you know?

Nana: Hey Marco, just check the sauce.

Marco: Okay, I still think the sauce is too thin. Taste it. You’ll see. Right in the your mouth. Open your mouth. Come on. It’s not ready, my love.

Nana: Ah—oh, ah!

Marco: Give me a taste of that sauce.

Nana: Ah! We got to think about the kids! Oh, no!

Marco: I want you so bad.

Nana: Oh, Marco! Marco! Oh, no!

Marco: No. let’s get on the table.

Nana: Wow! Come on.

[Grandchildren run away]

Oh. Oh—Oh!

Marco: Okay. It doesn’t work anymore. I’m sorry.

[Cheers and applause]

Little Miss Teacher’s Friend

Sabrina Kirpatsky… Aidy Bryant

Principal… David Harbour

Bowen Yang

Mrs. Pallarro… Ego Nwodim

Corrine… Kate McKinnon

Dina M…Melissa Villaseñor

Brittany… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with an intro of the show]

Announcer: Live from school, it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant on stage]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: In math she got A plus

peer mediator on the bus

it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: Hello and welcome to the 29th annual Little Miss Teacher’s Friend pageant. I’m your host, the principal.

[Cut to the audience]

Bowen Yang: Woo!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: No, enough! We all have teachers, but what do teachers have? Students. And what sometimes are students? Sweet. And the sweetest student of all is the teacher’s friend. Here with us is last year’s winner. Someone I had never see in my office, Sabrina Kirpatsky.

[Sabrina Kirpatsky joins the principal]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well said, principal. And good evening and thanks for all for being here.

The Principal: Sabrina, what makes you a good teacher’s friend?

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well, thank you for the excellent question. I see adults as peers and children as disgusting. I’m a natural helper and a shoosh-er of boys. And most of all, I’m genuinely teacher’s actual very good friend.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: All right. And here to judge the contest is the teacher herself, Mrs. Pallarro.

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: She’s perfect, she’s special

once she put me in charge of the classroom

and I felt like I touched the stars

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]
Mrs. Pallarro: Hi, Sabrina. This whole thing is very sweet, but I want to be clear that I don’t see you as my friends. You’re my students.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Mrs. Pallarro, you are very funny.

The Principal: All right, let’s meet our hopefuls. First up, she’s 12 years younger than her siblings, it’s Corrine.

[Cut to Corrine entering the stage]

Corrine loves horses, but is scared of them. She’s taken four CPR classes just in case. And just recently she had a meeting with the nurse about washing her hair.

[Cut to Corrine, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Corrine, your question. Please tell us about your most epic tattle.

Corrine: Oh, gladly. One time on the bus, AJ drew Marge Simpson with her boobs out. And I wanted to tell teacher so bad that I opened the emergency exit and I rolled onto the street and I broke my ribs.

The Principal: Wow. So committed to tattling. Thank you, Corrine.

Corrine: Wait, can I say my wish?

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, of course.

[Cut to Corrine]

Corrine: I wish my peers would behave themselves so Mrs. Pollarro wouldn’t have a headache all the time.

[Cut to Corrine, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Okay. Wow. That’s a beautifully put. Thank you, Corrine.

[Corrine leaves the stage]

The Principal: Next up it’s Dina M.

[Cut to Dina M entering the stage]

Dina gets hurt outdoors very easily. And get this, she knows a lot of saints.

[Cut to Dina, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Now, Dina, March 7th is right around the corner, which we all know is Mrs. Pallarro’s birthday. What will you buy her and why?

[Cut to Dina]

Dina M: Well, I know she likes dogs and the packers. So maybe a diamond necklace?

[Cut to Dina, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky:  Correct. That’s correct.

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Okay. This is a great time for me to remind everyone, please don’t buy me expensive gifts. It puts me in a weird spot.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, teacher so modest.

The Principal: This year’s dark horse, it’s Brittany.

[Cut to Brittany entering the stage]

Brittany gets to do word searched instead of gym, because her scoliosis, her asthma and her religion. Her greatest wish is for her family to let her be a pallbearer.

[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Brittany, your question. What do you imagine teacher doing in her house when she gets home after school?

[Cut to Brittany]

Brittany: I imaging she reads my book report out loud to her husband who I saw once. He was bald. Which is funny.

[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: That is funny. Thank you, Brittany. [Brittany leaves the stage] Remember, the winner of Little Miss Teacher’s Friend will take home a gorgeous framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro’s wedding in Cabo.

[Cut to a framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro and her husband on a beach]

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Oh, oh, Sabrina. Did you print that off my Instagram?

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Yes.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: Now, we’d like to take a moment to celebrate the casualties of tattling, the bad boys.

[Boys walk pass behind the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: AJ, TJ, BJ, JJ, and Mikey Martori, who I do not have a crush on. Back to you, Rupert.

The Principal: Please, call me the principal.

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Very well.

The Principal: And now, the winner. Who will it be?

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Actually there won’t be a winner, because I’m pregnant. I’ll be on maternity leave after Christmas. You’ll have a sub the rest of the year.

[Cut to Sabrina, Corrine, Dina, Brittany crying]

Everybody: No!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: Okay. Well, they’re crying. So, that’s all the time we have. I am the principal.

[Cut to the audience]

Bowen Yang: Woo!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: No! Reminding you please don’t meet your teacher in the staff parking lot. They don’t need help carrying anything. Good night.

[Ends with Little Miss Teacher’s Friend outrp]

David Harbour Monologue

David Harbour

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Lorne

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[The band is playing music on stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – David Harbour.

[David Harbour walks in the door and to the stage]

David Harbour: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Very, very much. I am David Harbour. I play Chief Hopper on the show “Stranger Things.” Most people don’t actually know this but I put on 20 Pounds for that role. Nobody asked me to do that, but I did that. It’s great. I get to act with a bunch of amazing kids who are all going through puberty at exactly the same time. So, set is a blast. But, look, as much as I love the show, I can do a lot more. I’ve done Shakespeare in the park. I’ve been in “The Merchant of Venice” on broadway. I have played “Hellboy”. Oh. That’s surprising. They wanted me to do a “Stranger Things” monologue tonight and I was like, “No! I want to do one of those walk around the studio ones.” You know? Crack jokes with people. You know? Be fun! Right?

[Cheers and applause]

Come on! Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[David Harbout starts walking around the audience]

So right here is where the attractive people sit. Oh, congratulations. Oh, hey, look, everybody. It’s Kate McKinnon, everyone.

Kate McKinnon: David, something’s wrong here.

David Harbour: What? Kate, what’s wrong?

Kate McKinnon: I don’t know. Look, it just appeared.

[Kate shows David a hole through the wall]

I think it’s a gate to the upside down, man.

David Harbour: Oh, just like in my show. Look, whoever’s behind these doors might need my help, okay? I’m going in.

Kate McKinnon: Be careful.

[Cut to David Harbour walking in a smoky place]

[David is coughing]

David Harbour: Hello? Is anyone there? Oh, my god. Barb.

[Aidy Bryant is stuck on the wall]

Aidy Bryant: No, nope. David, it’s Aidy. We’ve been working together all week.

David Harbour: Oh, right. Are you okay?

Aidy Bryant: I mean, I’m really not.

David Harbour: Okay, I’ll go for help. I won’t forget about you, Barb.

[David Harbour walks forward]

Hey,Beck.

[David meets Beck]

Hey, how do I get to the ‘SNL’ stage?

Beck Bennett: Well, there are lots of ways David. For me, I got my start in high school theater. I started making comedy video and them in the internet with my friends.

[A creature jumps on Beck and pulls him away]

David Harbour: Oh! Thank god. He told me that story, like, five times this week already. Wait. No. No, it can’t be. Pete Davidson?

[David Harbour meets Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Hey, what up?

David Harbour: Is this where you’ve been? In the up-side-down?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, dude. It’s lit, right?

David Harbour: No, it’s not. Why don’t you come back with me. Can you do the show tonight.

Pete Davidson: Uh, maybe. Hey, didn’t you die in here at the end of the show? Are you dead?

David Harbour: No. I’m not exactly authorized—Just watch the show. You’ll find out next season.

[David Harbour walks forward]

Hey, can you help me? Can you help me?

Lorne: One second. Boss, your food is here. It’s at the page desk.

David Harbour: Lorne, what are you doing? You’re a page?

Lorne: Everybody’s got to start somewhere.

David Harbour: But, then who’s running the show.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Uh-huh. Well, finally. Took me long enough to get my dinner.

David Harbour: Kenan, you’re running the show from here?

Kenan Thompson: Well, yeah. I mean I basically running the show from out there, too. Now, I believe you got a monologue to do, man. Go on, shoot!

David Harbour: All right, thanks, boss.

[David Harbour walks out]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Let’s see what we got here, and it better not be cheese on this. And there’s cheese on it. Use your hand, Lorne.

Lorne: I can go back. Wow. He knows my name.

[Cut to David Harbour on SNL monologue stage]

David Harbour: Wow. So glad I’m back. Wow! Here in the right side up, we have a great show, Camila Cabello is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Cut for Time Giuliani & Associates

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Lev Parnas… Beck Bennett

Igor Fruman… David Harbour

Kirstjen Nielsen

Alex Moffat

Bernie Williams… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Giuliani & Associates intro]

Narrator: Has your reputation been injured on the job? Were you the victim of a crime you committed? Are you facing serious legal trouble? Do you want to make it worse?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: And so called Giuliani & Associates. We want to make you our client and accomplice. Hi, I’m Rudy Giuliani. The only lawyer who’s on your side and off his meds. And you may have heard of my associates who were recently arrested for crimes against America. Their actual human names are Lev Parnas.

[Lev Parnas walks in]

Lev Parnas: Hey.

Rudy Giuliani: And Igor Fruman.

[Igor Fruman walks in]

Igor Fruman: Hey you guys.

Rudy Giuliani: And they’re not just handsome. They’re running to work for you.

Lev Parnas: Fraud.

Igor Fruman: Bribery.

Rudy Giuliani: Conspiracy.

Lev Parnas: Money laundering.

Igor Fruman: Resent.

Rudy Giuliani: We’ve done it all which means we know how to get you out of it.

Lev Parnas: We will take your case.

Igor Fruman: You will go to jail.

Rudy Giuliani: And we will keep your money.

Igor Fruman: Thanks to Googliani and Associates, there is the guarantee.

Rudy Giuliani: At Giuliani and Associates, we may not have passed the bar but we’ve definitely lowered it.

Lev Parnas: So, turn your browser to private. Then google our website.

Rudy Giuliani: Or dial 108-815-005. Oh, that’s my bank routing number. Forget that.

Igor Fruman: Giuliani and Associates are New York based but we operate out of Florida where laws are written at the back of McDonald’s receipts.

Lev Parnas: Also, our only American client is the president of the United States.

Rudy Giuliani: And he loves us, such why when they ask the president yesterday if I’m still his lawyer, he said, “I don’t know.” That’s pretty good considering–

Igor Fruman: Still not convinced? Just ask these satisfied customers.

[Cut to Kirstjen Nielsen]

Kristjen Nielsen: Yes, I’m real American woman who needed top shelf, no question asked lawyer. I collaborate with Googoogaga, and he helped me fund the money from prostituting business straight to republican super perk. And now, I’m acting secretary of homeland security. Thanks Rudy.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: I’m American as well. I am a good man who do one or two bad things and need to disappear fast. Rudy get me new name, new passport and picture with president at monologue. I even grabbed a handful of eggs from buffet. Thanks crime.

[Cut to Bernie Williams]

Bernie Williams: And hi. I am Yankee’s legend, Bernie Williams. I tell you who saved legally– wait, Rudy, what’s this for?

[Rudy Giuliani walks in]

Rudy Giuliani: It’s for charity. Don’t worry.

Bernie Williams: Which charity?

Rudy Giuliani: I don’t know. Taco Tuse. Just look in the camera and say Rudy did nothing wrong. Besides, whatever happened to three strikes?

Bernie Williams: Yeah, I’m not saying that. I think I should talk to a lawyer.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I got a lawyer. Come here.

[Igor Fruman walks in]

Igor Fruman: Oh! You got to stop saying that. I passed my bar-tending exam only on the third try. I thought the gin and tequila are the same.

Bernie Williams: Nope.

[Bernie Williams walks away]

[Lev Parnas walks in]

Lev Parnas: And we’re comfortable with transactions such as–

Igor Fruman: One way travel to a foreign country.

Rudy Giuliani: Mistress go-aways.

Lev Parnas: Brick through window of judge.

Igor Fruman: Shake a guy until he say, “Okay, okay, I talk!”

Rudy Giuliani: And TV/VCR repair.

Igor Fruman: But, that’s not all. We also help victims of peyronie’s disease. Does your downstairs finger look like this?

Rudy Giuliani: I slammed my thing in a car door. Twice. Now it looks like a silly straw. So, call Giuliani and Associates today

Igor Fruman: And if you don’t, I’ll kill you.

[Cut to Giuliani & Associates outro]

Court Show

Judge Connie Schaumberg… Cecily Strong

Police… Chris Redd

Bandit… David Harbour

Mary Schmidt… Kate McKinnon

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Dog Court’s intro]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Did another dog run off with your dog’s ball? Did another dog wiz on your dog’s head? Is a dog pushing it’s political beliefs onto your dog? Don’t take justice into your own hands. Take them to dog court with me. Judge Connie Schaumberg.

Police: All rise. Welcome the honorable Judge Connie of the 110th and Amsterdam dog court.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay everyone, sit. Ah, sit. We got a lot on the docket today. Ah. You brought Miss Jesse to work?

Police: Yeah. Sorry, judge. It’s take your daughter to work day.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Oh no, it’s not. It’s in April, but you know what? That’s still cute. All right, first case.

[Cut to a man and a woman walks in with their dogs]

Police: This case number 328, Mary Schmidt vs. Bandit.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: State your case.

Bandit: All right, look. It’s very simple, your honor. All right? In my opinion, this woman and her dog, they are insane.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: No, Schitles and I are as sound as bells. His dog is however is a sociopath who will do anything for a cheap laugh. Look at the eyes, its totally dead.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Just tell me what happened.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: Simply put, I offered his dog my hand to sniff as is customary and his dog started jumping up on my body, biting both paws against my neck and pulling down my v-neck t-shirt revealing both of my bosoms.

[Cut to the dogs barking as the jury]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Order, order!

[Cut to the judge]

Courtroom, not a kennel!

[Cut to Bandit]

Bandit: Your honor, your honor, maybe you want to ask her why she came to the dog park with no bra.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: I got one good bra and it was in the wash, your honor. You know hot it is.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, I do know how that goes. Yeah. [Cut to the judge] What evidence do you have to support your case?

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: I have 20 eyewitnesses and I wore the t-shirt here.

[Cut to the judge]
Judge Connie Schaumberg: You put the lipstick back in the holster. All right, I’m ready to roll. I order you to switch dogs. See how the other half lives.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit]

Mary Schmidt: What? Switch dogs.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Do it!

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit switching dogs]

Mary Schmidt: There you go. All right. Good luck. Mine barks at poor people and only goes into a human toilet.

Bandit: And my dog has violent night tearers and screams like a human.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay. Well, let me tell you something. Whew. The dog court is a place for fun and tolerance. I should be so lucky to bring my dog—to the park, but I can’t because she’s crippled because I won’t let her walk. I don’t like – now – she rides around in a little football helmet. Okay? Think about that.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit switching dogs]

Mary Schmidt: Wow! You’re right, your honor.

Bandit: I’m sorry, your honor.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Sketch artist, did you get everything? Okay. Looks not like me, but, yeah, you’re a dog.

[Cut to the break video]

Announcer: Coming up on the next dog court –

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay, tell me what’s what. Make it snappy.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Your honor, her dog is too big to be in the little dog park area.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: You don’t even have a dog. You’re a lookie-loo and everyone knows it.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Is that true sir? Get off it. Walking in the park seeing other people’s dogs?

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Is that a crime?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: No, it’s up to the jury. The verdict, please?

[Cut to the dogs as jury passing the verdict envelope]

[Cut to the judge receiving and opening the envelope]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Ooh, Yep, I knew it. Sorry to say the jury has sentenced you to death.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: What?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, it seems extreme but this is dog court.

[Cut to Dog Court outro]

CNN Equality Town Hall Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Daniel… Kyle Mooney

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Julian Castro… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

Announcer: One stage, no room. Last one standing gets the oh, so, illusive – a CNN Town Hall Equality America with Anderson Cooper.

[Cut to the stage of CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper. This Town Hall will discuss issues affecting our community. LGBTQ and girls to make pride about them. And since we’ll never do this again, we’re going to go all-out. So, to help us announce the candidates, it’s Billy Porter from “Pose”.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

[Cheers and applause]

Billy Porter: Hello! Hello. Yes. Hello, Anderson. Category is Vanderbilt Dynasty, news realness.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper and Billy Porter]

Anderson Cooper: Yes, god. Now Billy, please introduce our first candidate.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Okay. Yes, he may live in the projects, but ladies, he ain’t no project. It’s Cory Booker.

[Cory Booker walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Thank you for being here senator Booker.

Cory Booker: My girlfriend was in ‘rent’ so yeah, I get it.

Anderson Cooper: First question.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Hi senator. My question is, have you always been supportive of the gay community?

[Cut to split screen. Cory Booker on left and Aidy Bryant on right]

Cory Booker: Absolutely, yes. I have nothing but respect since day one.

Aidy Bryant: But in 1992–

Cory Booker: Uh-oh.

Aidy Bryant: –you published an op-ed where you said some very derogatory things about the gay community.

Cory Booker: Now, I don’t want to think– I don’t want you to think I’m dodging the question. So I’m going to go now.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Our next candidate is playing with a home field advantage.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes! Representing the house of Booty-gig, it’s mayor Pete!

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you, thank you very much. I went to Harvard, but they don’t teach you where to put your arms.

Anderson Cooper: Our next question comes from Daniel.

Daniel: Yeah. How do you respond to those who say you’re not gay in the right way?

[Cut to split screen. Pete Buttigieg at left and Daniel at right.]

Pete Buttigieg: You know, I’ve heard that. But there’s no wrong way to be gay. Unless you’re Ellen this week.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Any other questions?

Pete Buttigieg: And actually, Anderson, I have one . [Cut to Pete Buttigieg] Why am I not winning this? I’m a veteran, under the legal retirement age and when I talk it makes sense. Is something wrong with me.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No- no. You’re great guy, just like, as a friend, not for president.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. \
Anderson Cooper: Can I call you an Uber?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh no. I drove.

[Buttigieg leaves]

Anderson Cooper: Well, I hope you didn’t fill up on snacks, because now it’s time for the meat and potatoes.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Warrening – warrening— the sentator is here! She’s got a plan for the future! It’s Elizabeth Warren!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren getting in to the stage]

Elizabeth Warren: Thank you, Billy. Thank you, Anderson. I am so excited to be here. I had some apples slices backstage and they’re hitting me like cocaine! You know, I am not a lesbian, but all the ingredients are there. Let’s go.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Who would like to ask a question?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: So, senator, let’s say you’ve been on the campaign trial.

[Cut to split screen. Elizabeth Warren at left and Beck Bennett at right]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I have.

Beck Bennett: How would you respond if someone said to you, “I’m old-fashioned and my faith teaches me that marriage is between one man and one woman?”

Elizabeth Warren:  Look, well, I’m going to assume it’s a guy asking.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Oh, snap! The library is open, and you about to get read!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: I would say, sir, tell me your bus stop, because I want to know where you get off. What else? What else? If someone doesn’t want to serve gay people at their small business I bet that’s not the only thing that’s small. And when people say, gay and in France, people shouldn’t be included in civil rights protections. Well, I wish their parents had used protection.

[Music starts palying and Elizabeth Warren starts dancing]

[Elizabeth Warren opens her wig while dancing. She is bald.]

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yea, yea! Work it out, work it out! And now from the house of urban deliciousness, it’s Julian Castro.

[Cut to Julian Castro walks to the stage and stands beside Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Julian Castro: So happy to be here, and look, I even got a participation ribbon. Now, come on. Cut to the chase. When do the ‘Queer eyes’ guys come out? I want to go rock climbing with Karamo.

Anderson Cooper: This isn’t “Queer Eye” senator.

Julian Castro: Actually it’s secretary.

Anderson Cooper: I wouldn’t tell people that. Okay, next question.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: My question is if elected what will you do to bring queer voices to your cabinet?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: Well, first of all, gracias. As a democrat, I want to apologize for not being gay, but I promise to do better in the future. However, I am Latino, which we can all agree is something. Look, I’m young. I’m diverse. I’m Latinobama. Let’s get the hashtag going #latinobama. Please.

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: All right. Anything else you’d like to say?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: You know there was once another man who left his mark on this nation’s history, but he never became president. Hoe how so?

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Really?

Julian Castro: Come on!

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, secretary.

Julian Castro: Remember to vote for me for vice president. I mean president.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes, yes, yes! And now, the Delaware daddy who’s only vice is the Choo Choo Train! It’s vice president Biden, y’all!

[Cut to Joe Biden walks in and stands beside Anderson]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hi, Anderson. Good to see you. I am so excited to be here.

Anderson Cooper: [Pushing Joe Biden slightly away from himself] Too close, Mr. Vice President. Too close. How are you tonight?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad we’re doing this. The vast majority of people in America are not homophobic. They’re just scared of gay people.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: That’s what homophobic means, Joe.

Joe Biden: Look, you know me. I believe we’re all equal, whether you’re gay, lesbie, transgender or queer, you’re okay with Joe.

Anderson Cooper: I’m going to give you a second to reset and go to an audience question.

[Cut to split screen. Joe Biden at left and Bowen Yang at right]

Bowen Yang: Hi, Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Oh, look at you. If I told you, you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Bowen Yang: Sure. Mr. Vice President, how can you defend your past support of don’t ask, don’t tell?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad you asked that question and let me answer by telling you a false memory. Now, the year was 19 [thinking] 26, and I was in Downtown Dover with my father. And we see two very well dressed men, very well dressed men. You know what I mean by well dressed? [Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson] Right? Anyway, who’s nervous about this story? Show of hands.

[Cut to everybody raising their hands]

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: We’re all nervous, Joe.

Joe Biden: Then I’ll keep going, [Cut to Joe Biden] and these men turned the corner and kissed. And I turned to my daddy and said, “What the huh?” And he said, “Baby, they were born this way.” And that was Delaware 19 Clickity Clack.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Okay, Joe. Thank you for being here.

Joe Biden: And thank you for everyone that played tonight but we all know I’m your guy. So in closing, [Joe Biden walks close to Anderson] ever been kissed by a VP before? [Joe Biden kisses Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: I think we’re done here. And –

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.