Tag: season 41

Sarah Palin Endorsement Cold Open

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Sarah Palin… Tina Fey

Male voice: Coming up next, we go to a rally in Iowa where Donald Trump is about to receive a high profile endorsement.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I am so honored to introduce my guest today. She’s great. Of course she’s great. She is endorsing me, alright? Ladies and gentlemen, governor Sarah Palin.

[cheers and applause]

[Sarah Palin walks in]

Sarah Palin: Thank you, Iowa. I wanted to take a break from my full time career of writing things on Facebook to fly down her and lend my support to the next president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

Donald Trump: Hey, America. Isn’t she great? Just the total package. Smart, legs, yelling, everything. I haven’t seen a woman this impressive since Jeb Bush.

Sarah Palin: I’m here because we Americans are struggling. So many of us have lost our jobs at the factory or reality shows about Alaska. We’ve seen our own children targeted by the police for no reason other than they committed some crimes. We turn on the news every morning and are shocked to see we’re not even on it because we’ve been replaced by immigrants like Geraldo Rivera.

Donald Trump: She is fun. She just says whatever she wants. It’s like her mouth starts driving before her brain gets in the car.

Sarah Palin: I’m here for all you teachers and teensters. You farmers and charmers. Whether you’re a mom or two broke girls, or three men and a baby, or a rock n’ roller, holy roller, push and stroller, proboller with a f-sas moller.

Donald Trump: She’s a fire cracker. She’s a real pistol. She’s crazy, isn’t she?

Sarah Palin: Tak-tak-tak-tak-tak-tak is what the mainstream media is spinning. Hazard spinning. They say Trump and his Trumpeters are right winging, bear clinging, proud clingers of our guns, but he can kick ISIS ass because he commands fire.

Donald Trump: I hope nobody is allergic to nuts coz we got a big one here. She’s too Corinthian sort of a bible. And as mirror does everything she says, some kind of dirty.

Sarah Palin: Our president is just bending over for ISIS while crony capitalists are sucking off the teeth and slurping off the gravy train and congress is just working the balls.

Donald Trump: You see what I mean? And I love dirty stuff. I really do but this is too blue even for me. Dear god! She’s still talking.

Sarah Palin: They stomp on our Knicks and say, “What’s the big deal? Take a chill pill gel.” But we are mad, we’ve been had and we’re not so glad “The lorax”.

Donald Trump: She sounds like a greeting card from a Chinese dollar store. Am I supposed to be learning something from this? This is like a Scrooge situation coz I’m not buying it. I’m richer than Scrooge, ghosts love me and I would never give my goose to a Tiny Tim type. Give me a break.

Sarah Palin: Thank you Iowa. God bless some of United States of America.

[Donald Trump takes the podium]

Donald Trump: Thank you Sarah. You know, a new poll says I’m up by 11%. This is really happening, people.

Sarah Palin: Guess what America. I don’t really think this guy should be president. I’m just here coz he promised me a spot in his cabinet and I belong in a cabinet coz I’m full spice and I got a great rack.

Donald Trump and Sarah Palin: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Bland Man

Dan… Taran Killam

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Ronda Rousey

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Selena Gomez

[Starts with Bland Man intro]

Male voice: One very bland man. 25 long haired women. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on Bland Man.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: My name is Dan and I’m from Chicago or Denver or something. I have blue eyes, brown hair and grey shirt. And tonight, I’m looking forward to getting to know the girls a little bit.

[Cut to Dan and Vanessa sitting on a bench at the park.]

Vanessa: Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Vanessa: Thank you for our date this morning. I loved going to your old high school and watching you cry.

Dan: [laughing] Tell me, what do you look for in a guy?

Vanessa: Well, I know you’re gonna make fun of me, but I wanna guy who’s like my dad. Smart like my dad. Hard working like my dad. And with the same body and penis as my dad.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hi. Can I steal him for a second?

[Vanessa walks away and Kate sits beside Dan]

Thank you. Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Kate: Thanks for our date this afternoon. I loved taking a race car to that improv class with you.

Dan: I hope I didn’t move too fast.

Kate: What?

Dan: I’m kidding.

Kate: [weird laughing] That’s a funny joke. I love that we can laugh together.

Dan: Me too.

Kate: [weird laughing] Oh, my god! It feels so good to laugh because before this, I was in a really bad college.

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Can I steal him for a sec?

Kate: Yeah.

[Kate walks away and Ronda sits beside Dan]

Ronda: Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Ronda: Thank you for a date this afternoon. I loved taking that hot air balloon with the cast of Chicago Fire.

Dan: Yeah. Tonight’s nice too. I like the moon.

Ronda: Yeah.

Dan: But–

Ronda: Moon’s nice.

Dan: Yeah. But I also like the day, you know? With the sun.

Ronda: Yeah, the sun is so nice.

Dan: [laughing] We have so much in common.

Ronda: Dan, can I ask you something? Can I wear jeans tomorrow?

Dan: Um, no.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Can I steal him for a second?

[Ronda walks away and Cecily sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too. So, tell me about yourself.

Cecily: Well, I’m a virgin but I’m very quick to do the stuff I do.

Dan: Wow, That’s cool.

Cecily: Then why didn’t you say so in our date today?

Dan: Because we were rolling down a hill in two giant hamster balls.

Cecily: Sorry I got mad. But that’s not me. Well, it is me but I’m doing a bad job hiding it.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Cecily walks away and Aidy sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too. So tell me about yourself.

Aidy: Well, I’ve had to wear a damp bikini all week so now it hurts when I pee. Also, there’s something I wanna tell you Dan, but can I be completely honest with you?

Dan: Of course.

Aidy: I have a son. And five daughters. They’re right here.

[Cut to Dan, Aidy and six kids.]

They can’t wait for you to be their daddy. They’re so sweet but they are a lot of work. And this one, [pulls one kid near her] he always has a ton of cash and he won’t tell me where it’s from.

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Can I steal him for a sec?

Aidy: Yeah.

[Aidy walks away and Sasheer sits beside Dan]

Sasheer: Um, I like this.

Dan: So, tell me about yourself.

Sasheer: Well, I’m the black one.

Dan: [hold’s Sasheer’s hand] Let me walk you out.

Sasheer: Wait! Wait! I didn’t tell you yet that everyone I ever met is dead.

Dan: Oh, you have a sad past? Then, you can stay one more week.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Can I steal him for a second?

[Sasheer walks away and Kate sits beside Dan]

Dan: Hey, long time no see.

Kate: [weird laughing] Oh, my god! You are literally the funniest person I’ve ever met. And I know two Jews.

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Sorry, can I steal him for a minute?

[Kate walks away and Ronda sits beside Dan]

Dan: So, tell me about yourself.

Ronda: Well, I served in Iraq. I was a waitress in the diner there for three years.

Dan: That sounds hard. And now what do you do?

Ronda: Well, right now I do this. And then after this, I’m gonna do co-appearances until I die.

Dan: Me too.

Ronda: Also on the weekends, I volunteer at a kill-shelter.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

[Ronda walks away and Cecily sits beside Dan]

Dan: So, um, are you having a good time?

Cecily: It’s hard. All the girls hate me just because I’m so mean to them. And this made me realize that I have some deep emotional problems and I need to go home and deal with them.

Dan: I would be sad to see you go.

Cecily: Okay, then I’ll stay and just be so insane.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Can steal him for a second?

[Cecily walks away and Aidy sits beside Dan]

Dan, I need to be completely honest with you.

Dan: Okay.

Aidy: Okay. I have one enormous toe. Like it’s so big. And I’ve been so self-conscious about it my entire life. I need you to see it.

[Aidy raises her feet and her thumb is really, really big.]

Dan: Holy!

[Selena walks in]

Selena: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks away and Selena sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Selena: And I love being here for the 25th season of the show because I was conceived during the second season.

Dan: Wow, I feel so connected to you. Remind of your name again?

Selena: I’m Selena Gomez.

Dan: Okay, I’ll go with her. We can stop. I’m gonna go with her. I’m gonna go.

[The End]

BAMM – Bullies Against Mixed Martial Arts

Chad… Beck Bennett

Beckka… Ronda Rousey

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with a basketball court in college decorated with dim lights for a romantic vibe. Chad brings in Beckka.]

Chad: Keep your eyes closed.

Beckka: Of course, Chad.

Chad: No peeking. [they walk forward] Alright.

[Beckka opens her eyes. There is a table for two and a disco-ball over it.]

Sorry it’s not a fancy restaurant

Beckka: This is so much better. I love it. You did all of this for me?

Chad: Well, yeah! I like you. I just wanted tonight to be special. [they take seat]

Beckka: I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Chad Channon. I didn’t even think you knew who I was.

Chad: Are you kidding me? I’ve had a crush on you for a while. [Beckka smiles] Try your soup.

Beckka: Wow, it’s so crunchy.

Chad: Do you like it?

Beckka: What is it?

[someone laughing at the mic]

Vanessa: It’s dog food.

[All the lights turn on. There are other girls laughing at Beckka.]

Congratulations, new girl.  You just ate real dog food. What’s the matter? Isn’t that what bitches eat?

[The girls come near Chad and Beckka]

Beckka: Chad, what’s going on?

Chad: What?

Vanessa: We played a trick on you, idiot! Did you really think that my boyfriend, the most popular guy at South Jeffery High would ask the weird new girl on a date? Wake up!

Beckka: You just pretended to like me chad?

Chad: Yeah, sorry.

Vanessa: How embarrassing for you. At least the whole school isn’t watching this on para-scope. Oh, wait! They are.

[Cut to Kate recording the video]

Kate: Say hi to the whole school.

Sasheer: A star is born.

Vanessa: What a shame too. She got all dolled up. Where did you get your dress? Is it from Walmart? See, I own this school. And you don’t talk to my boyfriend, and you cer–

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face]

[Vanessa is bleeding]

It’s okay, you guys. That barely hurt. [Vanessa walks to Beckka again] I hope it was worth it new girl because I am going to ruin your life. See, when you’re the popular–

[Beckka slaps Vanessa again]

Chad: Ah!

[Vanessa has Beckka’s palm marked on her cheek]

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face again]

Damn!

[Vanessa is clapping]

Vanessa: Bravo! But before you give an encore let me just say–

[Beckka slap-kicks Vanessa and Vanessa falls down]

[Everyone is shocked]

[Vanessa slowly stands up]

Are you mad that I knocked over the basketballs new girl?

Beckka: No. I kicked you into them.

Vanessa: Ooh, cool words. Well– [Vanessa takes a ball and throws at Beckka] Think fast!

[Beckka hits Vanessa with a ball so fast and Vanessa falls.]

[Vanessa slowly stands up]

You wanna play dirty? Give it to me. I got your diary. [reading diary] Dear Dolly.

[Beckka beats Vanessa up bad]

Chad: What?

[Vanessa is knocked out and Beckka starts walking out]

[Chad following Beckka]

Hey, Beckka. I saw what you did back there. It was pretty cool. You wanna grab a burger?

[Beckka hits Chad on his neck]

[Cut to Vanessa on the floor all beat up.]

Vanessa: I’m fine.

Male voice: One in five bullies will be a victim of mixed martial arts. Don’t be a statistic. Brought to you by BAMM! Bullies against mixed martial arts.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Gun Law

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Obama has said that he will sign the executive order mandating universal background checks for gun purchases which many in congress oppose. With more on this is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Thanks Colin. Hi buddy. I don’t understand–

[Someone from the audience hooting]

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Oh, thank you lady. I don’t understand why anyone would be against background checks. You know? I wish I did a background check on my roommate. I might have found out that he gets his hair cuts in the living room. Or that he uses my toothbrush to clean his toothbrush. I actually saw a show that it said like, ‘The bait was reopened about whether mentally ill people should be able to own guns’ which I didn’t know was debatable. One guy even said like, “I don’t think the founding fathers wanted the people to lose their rights just because they had a mental illness”, which I guess sounds like it makes sense until you remember we’re talking about the 1700s when the most popular treatment for schizophrenia was like, fire. Just lots of fire. They didn’t have lexapro. As if that wasn’t weird enough, Texas just passed a law allowing people to carry guns into mental institutions. That’s a real thing. Not like joke that we wrote. That happens now.

Here’s a fun fact about me. When I was a kid, I was pretty depressed and I spent some time in a mental institution twice. So far… And I’ll be back. Oh, yeah. And I learned two things. One, the craziest guy there gets the control of the TV. His name was two-eyed Willie.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: Wait a second. Why did they call him two eyed Willie?

Pete Davidson: They weren’t his. And second, [Cut to Pete Davidson] none of those people including me should ever be allowed near a gun. I cannot believe they let me drive. Every time I get behind the wheel, I’m like, “Wow, somebody really dropped a ball here.” It’s awesome. If I own the gun, I’d have to guy a new TV every time the Knicks lost. The reason Obama is going straight to an executive order is coz congress refused to even pass a law banning people on the no fire-list from buying the gun. But shouldn’t the gun list be the stricter list? That means somebody out there is being told like, “Sorry sir. Um, we don’t trust you to fly to Cleveland but if you wanna buy this assault rifle and take the bus…” They don’t have security on the bus, man. It’s just the driver who might like turn around once in a while and be like, “Ay! Stop!”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

At the GOP debate, Donald Trump defended his concerns about whether Ted Cruz who was born in Canada to an American mother is eligible to be president saying, “There is a big question mark on your head.” But there’s also a big question ark on Trump’s head if the wind hits him just right.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump where his hair is blown by the wind to make a question mark.]

[Picture changes to Iranian flag and US flag]

US officials today announced that Iran is releasing five detained Americans in exchange for seven Iranians held by the US. President Obama praised the deal while an outraged Ben Carson said, “He wouldn’t be satisfied with any deal that didn’t include the prisoner of Askaban.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new poll shows that Bernie Sanders leads Hillary Clinton by 19 points among female millennial voters who like his proposal such as free college tuition. But I don’t know. Typically, when young women trust some old dude who promises to pay for their college doesn’t always end well.

[Picture changes to NFL Rams logo and Los Angeles city]

The NFL announced that the Saint Louis Rams will return to Los Angeles which I knew was coming the second I saw their mascot got some work done.

[Picture changes to an Oscar award]

The Oscar nominations were announced Thursday and for the second year in a row, people are complaining about the lack of diversity among nominees. But as a person of color, I’d be happy if the Academy just nominated movies that people actually see. I mean, are you telling me that anybody here has actually seen ‘Room’? Or ‘Brooklyn’? Or ‘The Golden Moon’? You’re lying, coz I made that last one up! If you want people to watch the Academy awards, you have to give us something we can root for. Just imagine how excited kids would be to see ‘Star Wars’ win. Or black people to see ‘Straight Outta Compton’ win. Or how excited Colin would be to see ‘Staten Island Summer’ nominated.

[Cut to Colin Jost giving thumb-up]

[Cut to Michael Che]

The Oscars should showcase more of the movies that people actually watch. Like porno! Why can’t porn be nominated? Oh, what? You’re telling me it’s okay to watch movies about people killing and dying and explosions and death, and that’s all perfectly fine. But if I wanna watch two people make love I gotta close my laptop, I’m disturbing the other passengers? Who’s really the sick one?

Undercover Boss

Kylo Ren… Adan Driver

Zack… Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Undercover Boss intro]

Male voice: Each week, we follow the boss of a major organization as they go undercover to find out what’s really going on in their company. This is Undercover Boss. Star Killer Base.

[Cut to Star Wars scene]

Kylo Ren is the commander of the First Order, a massive regime dedicated to wiping out the galactic resistance. This week, Kylo is going undercover among the Star Killer Base personnel as Matt, a radar technician.

[Cut to Kylo Ren]

Kylo Ren narrating: You get so caught up in restoring the galaxy to it’s rightful state that you miss what’s going on behind the scene. I’m looking forward to having some real talk with some real folks.

Female voice: We’ve put hidden cameras in employee common area and no one has any idea that Matt is their boss, Kylo Ren.

[Kylo Ren walks in the employee lunch area]

Kylo Ren: Hi. I’m Matt. I’m a radar technician.

[Cut to Kylo Ren sitting with other employees]

You guys like working here?

Zack: You know, work is work.

Kylo Ren: Yeah. Totally. What do you think of Kylo Ren? Do you guys believe when he says he’s gonna finish what Darth Vader started?

Bobby: What exactly has he started?

Zack: You know, I will say this for Kylo. I think he gets a bad rap. He’s trying to accomplish something that has never been done in the history of the galaxy. You know. Rule everything? That’s impressive. I admire the guy.

Kylo Ren: Yes, exactly. Exactly.

[Cut to Leslie teaching Kylo Ren to do some technician stuff.]

Leslie: Okay, okay. It’s real easy. All you gotta do is rewire the calcinator.

Kylo Ren: So, remove this?

Leslie: Does that look like the calcinator? What’s wrong with you? Why is it so hard for you to understand?

Kylo Ren: I don’t know. But can you please stop yelling me? You’re starting to stress me out.

Kylo Ren narrating: I have a new found respect for what my employees do.

Leslie: Okay, now can we rewire it please? So I can go have my muffin? I haven’t had my muffin yet, Matt.

Kylo Ren narrating: It’s not as easy as I presumed.

[A storm-trooper walks and bullies Kylo Ren]

Storm-trooper: Wad up, Matt? [kicking his tools]

Kylo Ren: Hey, you kicked my wrench! Jerk face!

[Cut to Kylo Ren walking in with his lightsaber.]

Look, I found Kylo Ren’s lightsaber. Look, it’s awesome.

Bobby: It’s nothing but dangerous, man! Poorly made like a little kid made it.

Kylo Ren: Then you don’t have to look at it anymore.

[Kylo Ren throws the lightsaber away]

[Cut to Zack]

Zack: I’m 90% sure Matt is Kylo Ren.

[Cut to Kylo Ren and Zack]

Yeah, this has actually been a rough year for my family. We lost our son back in April. He was in the storm-trooper program. And we’re getting by…

Kylo Ren: Wow, man… I’m sorry about that. Must be hard.

Kylo Ren narrating: Hearing that Zack lost his son really struck in nerve with me. Especially since I’m the one who killed him.

[Cut to Kylo Ren walks to Zack]

Kylo Ren: Hey, I ran into Kylo Ren in the bathroom. He told me to give you this.

[hands him a card]

Zack: After the rain comes the rainbow. [reading the written note] Sorry, I killed your son, Kylo.

Kylo Ren narrating: [showing a picture of storm-troopers with ‘Team Work’ written on it] This means something to me now.

[Cut to Kylo Ren, Zack and Bobby at the dining hall]

Kylo Ren: A buddy of mine saw Kylo Ren take his shirt off in the shower and he said that Kylo Ren had an 8-pack. That Kylo Ren was shredded.

Bobby: What? Your friend is a liar. Kylo Ren is a punk bitch. That guy looks like he weighs 30 pounds soaking wet underneath that little black dress.

[Kylo Ren is staring at Bobby and Bobby starts choking]

Zack: Jim? Jim?

Kylo Ren: Oh, no, he’s choking on food. [looking at Bobby] I know what’s in your mind, and it is stupid.

[Kylo Ren throws Bobby away just by gesturing]

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Dude, Matt straight up sucks!

[Kylo Ren walking in the dining hall]

Kylo Ren: I have a bombshell announcement to make, guys. I’m not Matt. I am–

Zack: Kylo Ren.

Bobby: Kylo Ren. You’re Kylo Ren. We know. I knew when you threw me through the soda machine.

Zack: I knew from, “Hi, I’m Matt.”

Kylo Ren: We really connected today. I’m promoting you to superior officer.

Zack: Thank you sir!

[Cut to Kylo Ren in his suit]

Kylo Ren narrating: I had a blast today. I really learned a lot and people are gonna love the new me.

[Kylo Ren leaves. Behind him was Zack lying dead.]

[The End]

Republican Debate

Neil Cavuto… Kyle Mooney

Maria Bartiromo… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

[Starts with republican debate intro]

Male voice: Live on the Fox Business Network, it’s the 6th republican debate.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Hello and welcome back. I’m FOX business rock star Neil Cavuto.

Neil: And I’m Maria Bartiromo. A reminder, we’ve lost a few competitors since the last debate with only seven joining us tonight. So remember candidates, if at any time tonight, your poll numbers drop below 3%, you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like the showtime at the Apollo. At which point you’ll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the Carolina’s senator Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham sitting at the audience and smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

The next question for our front runner Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Thank you Maria Toniromo.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Trump. Since the last debate, Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa. Is it true you’ve started attacking him because you see him as a threat?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Franky Maria, I’m glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz. People are coming up to me all the time saying, “Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada. He can’t be president. This campaign is illegal.” Their words, not mine.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Donald, this debate about natural born citizenship is just political nonsense. Clearly I’m not Canadian. Canadians are well act. I am not. Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy where I myself am mostly made of pudding. Canadians are genuine and warm whereas when I smile, it looks like I’m peeing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright governor Christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tie raid against president Obama?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: I promise.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: How would you change the tax code?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Barack Obama is the worst president in the history. And when Chris Christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the White House buddy.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, whoever is elected, president Obama will be required to leave. It will be the end of his term.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Duh! Yeah! Coz I’m gonna send him packing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: He will already have packed and left because his term will be over.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, well.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: This next question is for Jeb.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: It is?

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Wait, I’m sorry. I’m wrong. It says Ted. Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Aw!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Cruz. You suggested Mr. Trump embodies New York values. Could you explain what you mean by that?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I think most people know exactly what New York values are. And frankly, they’re not the rest of the country’s values. Instead of celebrating Christmas, New Yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called Festivus. Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests. In New York, people don’t say hi to their neighbors. They say, “Hello, Newman.”

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Sounds like you’re describing the TV show ‘Seinfeld’. Is that what you mean by New York values?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Dr. Carson. You’ve said we’re not doing enough to dismantle and destroy ISIS. What would you do as president?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well, whenever I think of ISIS I get so furious. I just go into beast mode. Okay, look. Okay, wars change in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed. Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exo-atmosphere  scrambling our electro-city. I’m talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people and robo-trons.

[Cut to Chris Christie and Ben Carson. Chris Christie moves away from Ben Carson.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Mr. Trump, we now turn to China.

[Cut to Donald Trump looking at his phone.]

Donald Trump: Hold on. I’m getting a call from a respected expert. Hello. What? You’re saying Jeb Bush is a little girl?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: No I’m not.

Donald Trump: And he can’t be president because his hands are bigger than his face.

Jeb Bush: That’s not true. Look! Dang it!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Our next question is for Marco Rubio.

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Um, can I ask my question myself? Um, why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I can lose the boots. I mean come on! I’m young. I’m smart.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: What did he say?

Neil: Um, I wasn’t listening. Um, finally we turn to governor Bush. Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier?

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay. In Hillary’s first 100 days as president, she’s going from the White House to the Court House. [laughing]

[Cut to Donald Trump shaking his head]

Donald Trump: It’s okay. You don’t need to tell jokes because you are one, Zebra.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes it is. And I have a good authority that Zebra is wearing spanks right now.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: You shut up. They’re for support.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright. We’ll take our first break–

[someone hands a paper to Maria]

Oh, this is exciting. We have confirmation that Chris Christie has just dipped below 3% in the national polls.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

[gong sound]

Chris Christie: Wait! Come on!

[Kenan walks in wearing a white suit dancing and escorts Chris Christie out]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, that’s a lot of fun. We’ll be right back with more. And …

Neil and Maria: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Quarterback’s Injury

Al Michael… Beck Bennett

Chris Collinsworth… Adam Driver

Jared Schleff… Pete Davidson

Michelle Tafoya… Cecily Strong

Lucas Kavner… Kenan Thompson

Bruce Erin… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Al and Chris in their set]

Al: We’re back with 4th quarter with Arizona leading Green Bay, 28-17. Al Michael here with you along with Chris Collinsworth. And this game has been a nightmare for the packers, Chris.

Chris: It really has. After losing their first three quarterbacks to injury, Green Bay has turned into a 4th string back who I’ve never heard of.

[Cut to Jared smiling with his team jersey on.]

Al: Jared Schleff has not taken a snap for Green Bay all year. [Cut to Al and Chris] But here he is in the biggest game of the season.

Chris: Well, the playoff is certainly where you’ll find the most unlikely of heroes.

Al: Absolutely. Let’s go down to the field where Schleff is in the shotgun.

[Cut to the ground. The game is on.]

He takes the snap.

[Opponent player breaks Jared’s legs too.]

Oh my god!

Chris: Oh! Sweet mercy!

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: Um, folks. This is one of the worst injuries I’ve seen in my 40 year career.

Chris: That’s just devastating. I think watching that made me sick.

Al: Absolutely. No one should ever have to witness something that shocking. Let’s see it again.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

Oh my god!

Chris: I do pray for him. I do.

Al: Absolutely.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Chris: Let me assure all the viewers at home that we are not gonna subject you to that again… from that angle. This new angle is much better.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking from different angle]

Oh, wow! That new angle makes me thing this is CGI or something. Legs don’t do that.

Al: Yeah. [Cut to Al and Chris] Let’s go to our sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya who’s with Packer’s team doctor Lucas Kavner.

[Cut to Michelle and Lucas]

Michelle: Dr. Kavner, obviously a really tough injury for Schleff. Will be be back on the field?

Lucas: Well, it looked pretty bad but he’s a young man. I wouldn’t give up on him. I can’t diagnose it because I couldn’t really see what exactly happened.

Michelle: Oh, you know what? We have it right here.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

Lucas: Oh, lord! Take my eyes.

[Cut to Lucas]

Blind me lord! Oh, he’s done. He’s done forever.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: We’ll check in with Michelle in a little bit

Chris: Obviously, this is a full contact sport. But nobody should have to see something this gruesome and appalling. Luckily we’ll never have to watch that clip again.

Al: And the Arizona coach is asking to see the clip again. [Cut to Bruce] Looks like Bruce Erin has turned the challenge flag.

Chris: Oh, he believes that Schleff fumbled the ball.

Al: But did he? Let’s take a look.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

I think that’s a fumble.

Chris: Remember, the play is dead when the front of you knee toughes the ground.

Al: Sure, but what about the back of your knee?

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Chris: I don’t know.

Al: In the meantime, let’s go back to Michelle who’s with Jared Schleff.

[Cut to Jared, Michelle and Lucas]

Michelle: Um, Dr. Kavner is doing what he can for Schleff. He’s holding a bible. Now he’s pulled out a gun. He seems to be weighing his options. Back to you, Al.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: Okay. Let’s move on to something fun. Our AT&T fan pinion of the game. Tonight’s fan pinion is about… [Jared’s picture appears behind Al and Chris] Jared Schleff. What do you think was the worst part of Jared’s injury? Wast it! A, the nauseating reality that legs could bend like that. B, that sound, that terrible sound. Or, C, knowing that somewhere deep down, this is why you watch football. [Cut to Al and Chris] Text us your answers. We’ll have the results after this commercial. When we return, Green Bay finds another quarterback.

Chris: Looks like the coach is asking volunteers from the crowd. Big opportunity for the fans.

Al: Oh, wow!

[The End]

America’s Funniest Cats

Finn Raynal-Beads… Adam Driver

Joella Ru… Cecily Strong

Ruella Soup… Kate McKinnon

Producer… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with America’s Funniest Cats intro]

Intro song: America’s looking at cat
America’s looking at cat
America’s funniest cats!

Male voice: With your host, Finn Raynal-Beads.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Hey there. I’m Finn Raynald, not Raynold, Beads. I don’t know how many times I have to throw a feed about that. I confronted so many people and everyone just points a finger at someone else. But someone is responsible. That doesn’t just happen!

Hey guys! Thanks for all the great pet videos this week including this one from a cat owner who suspected that someone had been going through her drawers. Take a look.

[Cut to a cat pulling red panties out of the drawer.]

[making cat voice] Oh boy! I know they’re in there somewhere. Yes, these panties are gonna look great on this pussy’s booty. [cat looking at the camera] Oh! Sorry ma’am. It’s not what it looks like.

[Cut to Finn]

Alright! We got an amazing trade for you today. So apparently there’s a French version of this show and with me today are the two hosts, Joella Ru and Ruella Soup. Come on out here, ladies.

[Joella and Ruella walk in to the stage]

Okay, thanks for coming all the way from Paris you guys. Tell me little bit about your show.

Ruella: [in French accent] The show is called [unintelligible]

Joella: You know, because in Paris we are the center of the world as far as arts and culture. So you know, when we see this show of your’s, you know, we say, “We have to have this.”

Ruella: We no rest until we have the show.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Is that real or you guys like making fun of me?

[Cut to Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Ah, no, no, no. We just put fund at cat.

Ruella: They don’t care.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Okay. Then I’m gonna let you guys handle this next clip of a cat who has his first taste of ice-cream.

[Cut to a video of a cat with it’s face inside the ice-cream cup.]

Joella: Oh, this cat has seconds to live. She purposefully get out of oxygen.

Ruella: His life is too much to bear. He is quietly backing out of this world.

Joella: She will not be missed.

Ruella: That’s a funny cat.

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Yeah, very funny cat.

Finn: Okay, wow. You guys doing a little different than us. We try to make the bloopers a little sillier like with, sound effects and stuffs. Do you know what I mean?

[Joella and Ruella start speaking in French with each other.]

Ruella: We can try.
Finn: Oh, yes. Great! Throw some boyo-yos in there. I’m just gonna roll a bunch of clips and you guys just go crazy, okay?

[Cut to different video clips of cats]

Ruella: Boyoyo! This cat has neurological disorder. She cannot gaze this distance between herself and couch.

Joella: Boyoyo! This cat is certainly dead. That is despasm.

Ruella: Waka-waka! This cat also is dead. She is in her death costume.

Joella: This evil maniac cat has walked into a TV, will not come back the same.

Ruella: Say what? He will never trust the TV again.

Joella: Boyoyo!

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Finn: Okay. It’s a little dark. You know what we find fun? Giving the cat a silly voice like, “Oh, I’m the big fat cat and I can’t fit through the cat door, drip!”

[Cut to Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Oh yes. Okay. That stupid voice coming from a cat would make me laugh.

Ruella: I also was very close to laughing but then I remember I just lost my daughter in the custody, [unintelligible]

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Okay, let’s try one more before we go back to France forever.

Finn: Roll it!

[Cut to a video clip of cat stuck in a pot]

Joella: [making stupid cat voice] My husband is in here. My husband’s issues are in here.

Ruella: He died from drugs, but I don’t care.

Joella: He was troubled but he was mine!

Ruella: I don’t want to live anymore. I want to be in hell with him where all suicide go.

Joella: Oh, man! Here I come.

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Finn: Okay. Well, I’m getting word that my producer is here to tell me something. Hopefully privately.

[Producer walks in]

Producer: Well, it’s not. I want everybody to hear this. You’re cancelled.

Finn: Well great! I’m glad. I think anyone would be proud to do 18 seasons of this show. I leave with my head held high.

Producer: Just pack your junk, Reynold-Beads.

[The End]

Aladin Magic Carpet Ride

Jasmine… Cecily Strong

Aladin… Adam Driver

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Jasmine and Aladin flying over the clouds on the magic carpet]

Jasmine: Aladin, we’re so high up. I’ve never flown on a magic carpet before.

Aladin: It’s beautiful, isn’t it? But not as beautiful as you.

[singing] I can show you the world
shining, shimmering, splendid
tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide?

Jasmine: A whole new world
a new fantasy point of view

Jasmine and Aladin: No one to tell us no or where to go

[a bird comes flying to Jasmine and dies in her hands]

Aladin: I really like you Jasmine. You’re different. Do you like meat.

Jasmine: Yes, I do. I’m sorry. Some kind of fat bird just hit my mouth. I need a minute.

Aladin: You’ll be alright, Jasmine. You’re safe with me. Just look how far we can see

Jasmine: Yeah, fish and it’s peak. Just, slow down a little. Okay? Like, I’m still into it. Just that was a lot.

Aladin: [singing] A whole new world
a dazzling place you never knew

Jasmine: But when I’m way up here, it’s crystal clear

Jasmine and Aladin: That now I’m in a whole new world with you.

[a missile falls on Aladin’s head]

Jasmine: Oh, bomb, bomb, bomb! There’s a bomb.

Aladin: Oh, shoot! We must be over Syria.

Jasmine: Oh! I think I pissed my little thing I’m wearing.

Aladin: You’re not sorry you came with me, are you?

Jasmine: Oh, no, no, no. This is magical.

Aladin: [singing] I can open your eyes
take you wonder by wonder
over sideways and under
on a magic carpet ride

Jasmine and Aladin: A whole new world
a new fantasy point of view
no one to tell us no or where to go

[gross liquid thing pours on Jasmine]

Jasmine: No! No! No! What just happened?

Aladin: [looking above] Oh, I think an airplane just emptied it’s toilet in the sky.

Jasmine: Um, Aladin, take me back to the palace.

Aladin: Wait, quiet. Something’s wrong with the carpet. I’ve gotta make some fast decisions now.

Jasmine: What’s going on?

Aladin: We’re losing altitude. I gonna try to put it down at that air-force space.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck at the base. They’re wearing military dresses.]

Leslie: Did you taste Charice’s cookies that she brought to the airport?

[Beck nods his head]

Now, a lot of people don’t like hard cookies. You know what I mean–

Beck: Hey, hang on Chris. We’ve got a distress call coming in.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin. Aladin is wearing a headphone.]

Aladin: May-day. May-day. Requesting emergency landing.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: I see you pilot. You are clear for landing.

Beck: This is gonna be nuts.

Leslie: God be with them.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin landing at the air-base]

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: They did it. They landed.

Beck: And look, they’re in love.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin]

Aladin: [singing] A whole new world
that’s where we’ll be
a wondrous place

Jasmine and Aladin: For you and me…

[Cut to Leslie and Beck looking at Jasmine and Aladin. Beck tries to kiss Leslie.]

Leslie: I am married!

Beck: How come you never talk about it then?

[The End]