Tag: Season 45

Weekend Update Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Benefiting from Trump’s Presidency

Colin Jost

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost on his news set]

Colin Jost: This week, president Trump’s eldest son attacked Hunter Biden in the media for allegedly profiting from his father’s political influence. Here with more, first sons, Eric and Don Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. come in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, Colin. Nice Bernie jokes. Can you believe it, they actually made fun of a democrat.

Eric: Ha-ha.

Donald Trump Jr.: Do you like that, Eric?

Eric: I don’t get it!

Colin Jost: Now Eric, you were recently interviewed on Fox News?

Eric: All by myself.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, you were. God, I was so proud of him. Our little boy is growing up, Colin. Today he sat through an entire meeting without doing the pee-pee dance.

Eric: And I had to go.

Donald Trump Jr.: He’s transitioning from bath to showers.

Eric: I still lay down.

Donald Trump Jr.: And he even has a crush on a girl.

Eric: Ha-ha! My wife!

Donald Trump Jr.: Uh-huh! Lara Trump, your wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Colin Jost: Congrats, Eric. Well, you’ve both been accusing of Hunter Biden of benefiting from his father’s political connections, but haven’t you two been doing the exact same thing?

Donald Trump Jr. and Eric: Ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, we’d been running the Trump organization even if Donald Trump wasn’t our father.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, but Hunter Biden, you know, Colin, there’s a word for when you get a job because of who your family is.

Eric: Uh-huh. Nipple teasing!

Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s nepotism, bud. It’s not nipple teasing, right? Nepotism.

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: Do you want to try saying Nepotism? Nepotism. All right. Look, if the dems want a witch hunt, they should go after the real witch, okay? Joe—

Eric: Hermione—

Donald Trump Jr.: –Biden.

Eric: –Granger.

Donald Trump Jr.: Not real, buddy. Look, all of these attacks on our family, Colin, are just distractions. The dems know this primary’s a disaster. And no one can beat our father in the general. And the worse is this Kamala Harris. Oh, my god. My dad can’t stand her. Because Harris is—

Eric: A woman!

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, that’s not why. Harris is—

Eric: lack.
Donald Trump Jr.: No, Eric, she’s a big talker. But it’s clear she’s all bark and no—

Eric: White!

Donald Trump Jr.: No, no! Eric, you know something buddy, do you want to play with your new pen toy?

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Got this at Fao Schwartz, right? Yeah. The bottom line, Colin—Look, you know how this works. You put things in it like—Oh, yeah! Oh, no. Look, I’m going to talk to Colin right now, okay? Look, Colin, I’ll make this simple. All the lies, witch hunts and impeachments inquiries in the world won’t help the dems’ chances in this 2020 election. The Trumps are here to stay. And now the message for the dems, do we look like people who lose?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Colin Jost: No comment. The Trump brothers, everyone.

Eric: I disappeared!

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, thank you.

Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump]

[Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

Tasty Toaster Tarts

Melissa Villaseñor

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Jason… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with four friends walking in the house]

Melissa: I’m starving.

Heidi: Yeah, I need a snack, pronto.

Mikey: Yeah, got anything good to eat Jason?

Jason: I don’t know, let’s find out.

[Cut to Jason opens the cupboars]

Let’s see. We’ve got chips, popcorn, cookies, fruit snacks.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Awesome!

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Chocolate snaps, crispy cakes, nut Fudgies.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Snack-a-licious!

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Pretzel Rods, Cheddar Chunkies.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Any of those sound awesome.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Gummy Tummies, Chocko Rings.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That’s a lot of snacks.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Corn Nuggets, cheese Balls.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Maybe too many snacks.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: We’ve got Dingle Doodles, Candy Beans.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Your parents buy you all that?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yep. Fig twisties, Banana ramas.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: I thought you parents were like super strict?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: They used to be. Not anymore.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Don’t they make you go to church like twice a day?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Not anymore. We’ve got lemon sours, lime sours, cereal bars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Where are your parents?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: On vacation. Roasty toasties.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Without you?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yep. S’mores snacks, Wingo Dingoes? [Cut to Mikey looking around suspiciously] Prune Poppers, Mini Miffins, Pizza pieces, Yummy Crunchers, Razzie Tassies, Tatsy Terbies. [Cut to family photo of Jason. He has scratched out his parents’ faces.] Corn Crispies, Cocoa anybodies, Munch Mix. [Cut to Mikey sees the floor with the blood mark and a brush that cleaned it] Corn Crispies. Cocoa Anobodies. Rough and Puffies.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Smells kind of weird in here, right?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: No. Crunchy Cake, Nom Noms.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: It’s coming from the fridge.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: No, it’s not! [Cut to Heidi looks at the fridge. Jason has taped around the fridge in a way that it can’t be opened.] Wacky tacky tangoes.

Heidi: Why is there duct tape around your fridge door, Jason?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Mango Munchers. Cherry Berry bars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: What’s in the fridge, Jason?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Nobody is.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: What do you mean, “Nobody?’

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: What did you do to your parents?

[Cut to Jason turns around towards his friends]

Jason: Tasty Toaster Tarts.

[Cut to everybody getting excited]

Everybody: Awesome! [Everybody start celebrating]

Announcer: Tasty Toaster Tarts are the treats kids crave.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Jason’s house is the best.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Got anything to drink?

[Heidi walks to the fridge to get a drink]

Jason: No!

[Cut to a clip of Tasty Toaster Tarts outro video]

Announcer: Tasty Toaster Tarts. Keeps kids happy.

Spooky Song

Heidi Gardner

Tyler… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chance the Rapper

Mikey Day

[Starts with a clip of full moon under the clouds]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to a couple walking in the graveyard]

Heidi: Baby, this is too creepy. Let’s just go back to the party.

Tyler: Come on, it’s Halloween. We’ve got to hook up in a grave yard.

Heidi: Do we though?

[A big lightning strikes and dead people walk out of their graves dancing]

Tyler? What’s happening?

Tyler: I don’t know.

[Music starts playing]

The deads: On Halloween, your breath is taken

For tonight, the dead awaken

Listen well our living friends

and hear how we all met our ends

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Oh, my god, Tyler, they’re going to sing about how they died.

Tyler: I know, I’m scared!

[Cut to a skeleton playing a piano]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I was a captain at my ship’s wheel

A heart of gold and nerves of Steel

I fell overboard one night so dark

and I swam just fine, but so did the shark

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy: I was a debutante, the bell of the ball

Men would chase me for spring to fall

I never met a flame that I couldn’t handle

Until my gown met a candle

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: We can skip me. Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Is that all he’s going to do?

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Mikey: Yeah, I was wondering the same. That was it?

Chance: Yes, skip me.

Mikey: Okay, I’ll go, then. Nobody has ever skipped before. I’m sorry,

[Cut to Mikey Day]

I was a miner, digging for gold

Then one day, I hit the mother lode

I grabbed a cigar, gave it a light

turned out my stogie was dynamite

[Chance walks in]

Chance: Wow. Everyone did great. I think we’re done here, right?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan:  No. Uh-huh. It’s a diddy of the damned. All four of us have a tale to tell about deaths before we can go back to our graves. That’s how it works. So come on.

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Chance: Well, here’s my thing, my death was a real “You had to be there” kind of situation. It needs a lot of context, so I don’t want to waste everybody’s time.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: Sing now!

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Chance: Oh, my god. Fine. I’ll go. Ready?

One dark night with the moon so red

what killed me happened and now I’m dead

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Wait, but like, how did you die?

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: How? A ghost never tells.

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: They do, though. That’s what this whole song is about.

Tyler: Is he allowed to be vague like that?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: He is not!

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: All right. It’s going to sound way worse that it actually is. You guys know what a 9-volt battery is, right? It’s important for the song.

At 12 years old, I sat on a 9-volt

It gave me heinie a quick little jolt

I liked how it felt, so I did it a lot

So I built up a tolerance to a lower watt

Then realized there’s no higher volt

than the one comes from a lightning bolt

So one stormy night I went on a roof

and put a metal pole in my ass

Yo, why y’all— I can’t do this right now. Y’all are looking at me like I’m some sort of freak or something.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: No one is judging you.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Yes, you are. Look at that owl.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: Forget about the owl and just finish the song.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Okay, god. All right, everybody remember where we left off?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yes. You’re on the roof with a pole in your ass. I’ve done the same thing myself.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Really?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: No, man! It’s weird at hell! Just go!

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Whatever.

Like Benjamin Franklin with his key and kite

That lightning hit my pole that night

I squealed with delight but I quietly stopped

when my insides fried and my colon popped

and my ass burnt off and my thing caught on fire

and my face caught on fire and I wet in my pants

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: What the hell is wrong with you, man?

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Nothing. I was a kid, man. Kids do weird stuff.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: You died in your 20s.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Whatever! Let’s just finish the song.

[All the deads come together to sing]

The deads: Listen to the dead and the voices of the past

And live every day like it’s your last

Happy Halloween.

Space Mistakes

Dad… Chance the Rapper

Mom… Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Lervy… Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Announcer: From the producers who enjoyed Apollo 13, Ad Astro, Gravity and The Martian, comes another film about the dangers of space.

[Cut to a kid playing a toy with his father]

Kid: Daddy, why do you have to go to space again?

Chance: ‘Cos that’s where I work son.

Kid: Promise you won’t make a mistake up there.

Chance: I promise, because that would be the worst place to make one.

[The kid falls asleep. His mom is looking at them.]

Ego: You said last time was the last time.

Chance: Baby, what are you so worried about?

Ego: I’m worried you’ll make a mistake. You could crack your helmet, spin too fast, push the wrong thing and the top comes off, your tube could pop, the window could Ka’boom!

[Cut to inside the rocket, Chance and his astronaut colleagues]

Beck: Going to space today. You guys excited?

Lervy: I am. Just hope we don’t make any mistakes up there.

Chance: Well, you know what they say, “In space, no one can hear you make a mistake!”

[They laugh]

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station]

Alex: Okay now, 10, 9, 8– remember, no oopsies! 7, 6– I mean it. Everything has to go perfect.

[Cut to inside the rocket ship]

Astronauts: We promise.

Alex: 5!

Chance: Dude, seat belt!

Lervy: Oh, my bad. Nice catch.

Alex: 4!

Lervy: Not working.

Alex: 3!

Beck: Seat belt first, then gloves.

Lervy: I forgot!

Alex: 2!

Chance : What did you do?

Alex: 1!

Lervy: I made a mistake!

[The rocket takes off. Alex falls off and dies.]

Announcer: Space mistakes.

Alex: What happened?

Chance : Lervy, he made a mistake. And because it happened in space, he exploded.

Alex: Dammit!

Beck: Sir, he burst!

Announcer: The film that asks the question, what if you messed up at work, but your work was space?

[Chance is working in his ship. He makes a hole on the shell.]

Chance: Oh no!

Beck: Oh, crap! Oh, no! I dropped the–

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station. Bowen Yang spills his coffee to the computer.]

Bowen Yang: No! A mistake!

Alex: What’s this button do?

Computer: A mistake! Mistake!

Alex: Yikes!

[Cut to Beck screwing the rocket ship from the outside]

Beck: Lefty, righty, tidy loosy– [The screw is loose and hits Beck’s helmet and cracks it] No! No! No!

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station, Alex is on the phone.]

Alex: Mam, it’s your husband. [Cut to Beck’s wife on the phone] He made a mistake.

Ego: Where?

Alex: In space.

Ego: No!

Announcer: Space Mistakes. See it in IMX or on our plane, nothing in between.

Love at First Sight

Heidi Gardner

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

William… Chance the Rapper

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Waitress… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a clip of a very nice restaurant]

[Cut to thee ladies inside the restaurant]

Heidi Gardner: Come on, Jennifer. Cheer up. I hate to see you depressed.

Jennifer: I’m sorry. I know it’s not very 2019 to be down about a guy, but I still miss him.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, of course you do! You were together a long time.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Let’s just get more drinks and I’ll write down my address for when I pass out.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this night’s going to be bad.

Heidi Gardner: Actually, Jennifer, there’s a guy at the bar and he’s staring at you.

[Cut to Jennifer. There is a guy behind Jennifer at the bar who is looking at her.]

Jennifer: He’s looking at me? That has to be a mistake.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: No, girl, he’s coming over here!

[Cut to everybody. William is walking towards Jennifer]

William: Hello. My name is William. I’m nice, but I’m also shy.

Jennifer: I’ve heard that before. Right, ladies?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, give him a chance. Jennifer.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I could tell you looked sad. Would you like to dance?

[Jennifer stands and holds William’s hands]

Jennifer: Do they have dancing here?

William: I don’t care. [They start dancing] If they don’t like it, they can kill us.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Hey, buddy, we don’t really have room for dancing here.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Well, we are going to dance. And if you don’t like it, I suggest you kill us.

Jennifer: Wow, I never met anyone so confident.

William: And I’ve never met anyone so beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Oh, my gosh! Did you hear that? He knows just what to say.

Heidi Gardner: I know. I mean even if he’s a psych, it’s nice to hear you’re pretty.

Ego Nwodim: I know, even from a crazy person, it’s 100.

Heidi Gardner: But he’s dressed well.

Ego Nwodim: He is dressed well. So cute.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Hey, do you believe in love at first sight?

Jennifer: I think I’m starting to. This is crazy.

William: What’s crazy is how you feel in my arms.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: I feel like I’m floating.

[Jennifer and William are literally floating in the middle of the restaurant]

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Hey, are they flying right now?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god. I wouldn’t call it flying, but it’s definitely a low hover.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Is this what true love is supposed to feel like?

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I wouldn’t have it any other way. Do you want to see if we can move around?

Jennifer: Sure. Lead the way.

William: Here we go.

[Cut to everybody. Jennifer and William start floating around over other’s tables and breaking things]

Ego Nwodim: Okay. Guys, be careful.

Heidi Gardner: You guys don’t have a lot of clearance.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, which makes me they’re not that much in love.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Don’t listen to them. They’re just jealous of me.

Jennifer: And me, too.

William: Sure. Hey, have you ever had champagne?

Jennifer: No, what is it?

William: You’ll see. Let’s fly to the bar. Here we go!

[Jennifer and William fly to the bar. William takes his champagne out of the ice and drops the ice bucket from the bar]

William: This will do nicely.

Jennifer: I’ll get the glasses. [Jennifer flies to the bar and breaks a lot of glasses trying to fetch two glasses for them] I feel like I’m flying in the stars.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Uh, you’re not. You’re like three feet tops.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I don’t care. We’re in love. And with love, there are no rules!

[William does a flip in the air]

Jennifer: Yeah! We’re in love!

Bartender: All right. Looking right up your skirt, honey!

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Ego Nwodim: I am so happy for Jennifer. I just hope she doesn’t get hurt.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, you mean physically, right?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, with all the crashing and—

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Jennifer: Guys, I don’t want this night to ever end.

[Waitress walks in]

Waitress: Who ordered a seafood platter?

[Jennifer and William try to get the food but mess up everything from the table.]

Waitress: Thank you. That was so easy to make.

Jennifer: This is the best night of my life. And we haven’t even kissed.

William: Let’s change that.

[Jennifer and William kiss. William starts floating down.]

Jennifer: Oh, wait. Wait, why are you sinking? Was my kiss weird?

William: Nah, it was good.

Jennifer: Well, then, come back up here where all the love is.

William: Please don’t pull my arm.

Jennifer: I want you up here with me.

William: Yeah, I’m just going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back. Hey, this was fun.

[William leaves]

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: So do you want to close up or what?

Jennifer: Yeah, sure, let me—I’ll get my purse.

[Jennifer goes to her friends to get her purse]

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, don’t be sad.

Jennifer: You know, maybe I was meant to be alone.

Ego Nwodim: No, you’ll find someone else sooner or later.

Bartender: Hello. I think it’s going to be sooner.

[Cut to the bartender. He is floating.]

Jennifer: You!

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, maybe not the bartender!

Jennifer: Just one way to find out. Kiss me!

[Bartender and Jennifer kiss]

Both: We’re in love! We’re in love! [Bartender and Jennifer float higher and outside the window] We’re in love!

Judge Barry

Police… Alex Moffat

Judge Barry… Chance the Rapper

Patricia Jones… Ego Nwodim

Judith Baker… Aidy Bryant

Ladenzel Jenkins… Chris Redd

Man with a puppet… Kyle Mooney

Male exotic dancer… Bowen Yang

Andrew Wilson… Mikey Day

Joanne McCormack… Melissa Villaseñor

Glady’s Feldman… Kate McKinnon

Apollo Benz… Jason Momoa

[Starts with “First Impressions Court” intro]

Announcer: He takes no nonsense. And he takes no more than 10 seconds to reach a verdict. He’s judge Barry and this is “First Impressions Court”.

[Cut to the court room]

Police: All rise. The honorable Judge Barry Presiding.

Judge Barry: All right. Thank you. Be seated.

Police: Your honor, this is case number 18 on the docket.

[Patricia Jones walks to the judge]

Announcer: 26-year-old Patricia Jones is suing her former friend for $2,700 after she alleges he stole her car while she was asleep and still hasn’t returned it.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby walking in. He’s wearing a nice suit.]

The defendant, 53-year-old Trevor Brisby says that he—

[Gavel knocks]

Judge Barry: Guilty! [Cut to Judge Barry] He did it! Next case.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Hold on, now. With all due respect, your majesty, but you haven’t even heard my side of the story yet, man.

[Cut to Judge Bary]

Judge Barry: Sir, I’ve been a Chicago judge for 31 years. I don’t have to hear your side. I’m looking at you in that ridiculous high lighter suit and I know for a fact that you’re guilty of something.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Well, now, wait a minute. Please, your majesty. Come on! Just let me explain.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: You’ve got ten seconds.

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: Well, I thank you for that. Now, first of all, the only reason I’m up in here is because this woman is trying to have sexual penetrations on me.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Excuse me?

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: You know I got that magic stick, baby.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Okay, you’re disgusting.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Get him out of here. Judgment is for the plaintiff. Next case.

[Cut to Judith Baker walking in]

Announcer: Plaintiff Judith Baker says she is owed $325 after the defendant, her ex-boyfriend, [Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins walking in] 29-year-old Ladenzel Jenkins.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Hold on. Your name is Ladenzel? Oh, you definitely guilty.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: But you ain’t even hear my story!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Whatever it is, you did it, man. Look at how you came to court.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: Look, your highness, me and this woman ain’t never even dated.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Yes, we did. We have a son together.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: That is a lie. You can’t get pregnant on the first time. Everybody knows that.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. Just pay the lady. Let’s keep this thing moving. Next case.

[Cut to a man walking in with a puppet]

Announcer: The plaintiff – [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: He’s guilty. He’s guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I’m the plaintiff.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Plaintiff, defendant, I don’t care. I just know that you’re guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I have a special surprise witness.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Let me guess, it’s a puppet?

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: All right, I’m going to go.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Yeah, wise choice. Next case!

[Cut to a male exotic dancer walking in]

Announcer: A male exotic dancer— [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Next case! Guilty. All right. Can we do one with normal people?

[Cut to Andrew Wilson walking in]

Announcer: Andrew Wilson is suing his former tenant and coworker, [Cut to Joanne McCormack walking in] Joanne McCormack for a broken lease, stolen furniture and appliances amounting to $5,000.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Okay. Okay. This is a tough one.

[Cut to Andrew Wilson]

Andrew Wilson: Your honor, his lady may look innocent, but she is a con-artist, a liar, and a thief.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Interesting. Ma’am?

[Cut to Joanne McCormack]

Joanne McCormack: Okay, first of all, that’s a dang lie. He just mad because want to do — with me!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. He wins. Almost had me. All right let’s do one more. I got night church in an hour.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman walking in]

Announcer: Glady’s Feldman is suing her former live-in nurse, [Cut to Apollo Benz walking in] Apollo Benz for stolen cash.

Apollo Benz: Now, listen, your hombre. I see the way you’re looking at me right now, and I know what you’re thinking.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: That you bang old ladies and then steal their money?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: That may be so, but I’m not just some dumb gigolo. I’m also a certified paraplegic—legal. So I understand the law.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: Your honor, this man is a thief.

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Excuse me! She stole from me first.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Oh, really, what did she steal?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: My heart.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: 

You know what, you gave me the biggest and best Os of my life. But I still want my money and my chandelier earrings. They’ve been in my family for generations.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Sir, do you have this woman’s earrings too?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Wait, these? [Apollo Benz opens his shirt. He is wearing her earrings on his nipples.]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty! I need a big boy break. Let’s take a recess. [Gavel sound]

[Ending with First Impression Court outro]

Announcer:  It’s “First Impressions Court” with judge Barry.

E-Sports Reporter

Doug Miller… Mikey day

Mark Laramie… Kyle Mooney

Laszlo Holmes… Chance the Rapper

The Captain… Bowen Yang

Fan… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with League of Legends World Champions intro]

Announcer: League of Legends World Champions only on MSG.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Welcome back to MSG’s e-sports coverage of the League of Legends World Championship. Doug Miller alongside Mark Laramie. And what a tournament it has been.

Mark Laramie: Incredible. Take a look at this.

[Cut to a video clip of League of Legends game]

Moments ago, Shadow Gaming eliminated top-ranked team Echo claiming their Nexus in only 32 minutes.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Whoo! Did not see that coming. Wow! Our Regular e-sports reporter Jake Sussman is out today, taking the PSATs. Good luck, Jake. Yeah. Filling in for him is Laszlo Holmes, [Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right] who usually covers the Knicks for us here at MSG. How you feeling down there, Laz?

Laszlo Holmes: Confused. To be honest, when they asked me to cover a League of Legends tournament, I assumed it was a basketball game with NBA legends. This is not that. It is a computer game contest.

Mark Laramie: Yeah, a little different.

[Cut to Laszlo Holmes]

Laszlo Holmes: Yes. I brought a basketball to get signed and someone in the crowd asked me what this was. So, very different that the Knick’s games, but we’re having fun down here. I’m not. But the crowd is. Laszlo Holmes, live at the League of Legos.

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and Mark Laramie at the right]

Mark Laramie: Laz, walk us through the last match.

Laszlo Holmes: No thanks. I’m just playing. In a nutshell, [Cut to Laszlo Holmes] there were ten nerdy dudes sitting at computers with headsets on while 20,000 people screamed like they were watching The Beatles. I did not know this was a thing. I guess e-sports is what white and Asian kids were doing while black kids were inventing hip-hop. Nah, I’m just kidding, though. But you know how they do in e-sports. Ready, set, sit down!

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Doug Miller: Now, we’ve got lots to unpack here.

Laszlo Holmes: Well, don’t let me stop you. This is Laszlo Holmes, signing off.

Laszlo Holmes: Now, hold on, Laz. I’m sure you have thoughts on team Echo’s attack strategy.

Laszlo Holmes: I do not.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Well, here’s the moment everyone is talking about. Laz, what do you make of this?

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and video clip of League of Legends game at the right]

Laszlo Holmes: Well, to me, this game looks like how a seizure feels. But I think if you know what’s happening in this clip, you need to get out of the house more. No, I’m just kidding. That’s me keeping it light. But in terms of what’s happening in this clip, I don’t know.

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and Mark Laramie at the right]

Mark Laramie: You can say that again! Echo trying to defend their Nexus with two heros on respawn! And all their CC on cooldown.

Laszlo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Well, they’re taking the loss in stride. Laz, you’re going to like this. Echo’s captain Doublepump just tweeted, “Congrats Shadow Gaming. Can I borrow some XP.”

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Laszlo Holmes: Ha-ha! That means nothing to me.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Mark Laramie: Laz, we’re hearing that the captain of Shadow gaming is on the floor. Maybe you can get a question in.

[Cut to Laszlo Holmes and the captain]

Laszlo Holmes: Uh, let’s do that. I’m here with – turn around for me. [The jersey says “S3X PANDA99”] Yeah, I’m not going to say that. So, homey, everybody wants to know, how you going to win that League of Legos today?

The Captain: We got some early kills, top lane evolving and the back lane. We got lucky on turrets in 5V5 seize for the beacon.

Laszlo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[A girl comes in and hugs the captain]

Fan: Oh, I am sorry to bother you, but I love you so much! Like, you don’t understand, I’m like shaking right now!

Laszlo Holmes: From meeting him?

The Captain: Do you want to go backstage?

Fan: Oh, my god, yes! Can my friends come? They love you too!

Laszlo Holmes: What?

The Captain: Okay. Thank you.

[The Captain leaves and a group of females followed him back stage]

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Doug Miller: Laz? Did we lose you?

Laszlo Holmes: No! Sorry, what I just saw was so unexpected that my brain went into a Tom Hanks in “Saving Private Ryan” mode. Laszlo Holmes coming at you live from the upside down.

Mark Laramie: Thank you, Laz! When we return, the quarter finals begin.

Doug Miller: And we’ll be one step closer to seeing which team will take home the $7 million grand prize.

Laszlo Holmes: $7 million?

Doug Miller: Stay with us.

[Ends with League of Legends World Champions outro]

Dance Rehearsal

Tony… Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

Brad… Chance the Rapper

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video clip of Dance Studio In Los Angeles building]

[Cut to the dance hall]

Tony Solis: All right, good evening, dancers! Thank you very much for giving up your Halloween to rehearse. [Cut to Tony Solis] As I understand it, you guys were picked up by earth, wind, and fire themselves for their big Halloween boogie spectacular. You are the best, or at least earth ,wind and fire think so. Do you all know the ography?

[Cut to the dancers]

Dancers: Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Well, then show it! Boogie-wonderland. Make it sizzle and stank. Go!

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to everybody start dancingand Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, give it, give!

Where’s the tank? Where’s the tank?

And the wonder? Where is the wonder?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

[The full moon shows through the window]

No! The moon! I must close the drapes! The moon! The drapes! The moon and the drapes! I must close them. The drapes! Ahh! Please, release the drapes!

[Cut to the dancers]

Chloe Fineman: That was weird.

Heidi Gardner: Weird good or weird bad?

Chris Redd: I think bad.

Brad: Yeah. It kind of backs up the secret I heard.

Bown Yang: Can you tell us, Brad?

Brad: Here’s what I can say. A, it’s dark. And B, it’s about Tony Solis.

[Cut to Tony Solis walks in the door again. He has grown a lot of facial hair.]

Tony Solis: Sorry, sorry, dancers. I had to take an important phone call from Fred Fake McMadeitup.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: Tony, are you okay?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: I’m better than okay. I’m Tony Solis. Let’s take it from the top and fill the Brim with flavor and funk. Go!

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, pop the funk!

Pop the funk, ride the wind.

Feel the ‘70s. Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis]

[The full moon shows through the window]

Oh, the moon! The Venetian blinds! I must draw them shut! Oh, the moon! The Venetian. I must fight back the beast! Oh, no! Can’t let the dancers know what creature lives within me. Fight the curse Tony.

[Tony Solis leaves runs out]

[Cut to the dancers]

Brad: Hey, guys, I’m curious, did any of you get a fax last night?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, you’re rich.

Chris Redd: Yeah! Brag about your fax machine more!

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: Well, I did. And it said, “Attention, dancers. Is there a full moon?” Followed by, “Forget what I just faxed. I’ll be fine.”

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair.]

Tony Solis: I am sorry. I had another business call from Donny Dane McDidn’thappen.

Chris Redd: Guys, I’m beginning to think these calls aren’t real. Tony, what’s up?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Whatever do you mean? I’m totally fine—[The full moon shows through the window] Oh, the moon! The roman shades! Where is the cord? Where is the little pulley cord? Dammit, why do all of these windows have to be different dressings. Who styled the dance studio? Oh, I did! Oh, damn me. This is my studio! This is Tony Solis’ dance studio slash werewolf’s house!

[Tony Solis runs out]

Heidi Gardner: Guys, Tony Solis is a werewolf.

Brad: Wait a minute, did you hear that from me?

Chris Redd: No, the dude looks like a wolf!

Chloe Fineman: And his face is covered in fur.

Bown Yang: And he has some kind of beef with the moon.

Brad: As long as we all know that I didn’t blab.

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair, fangs and wolf arms]

Tony Solis: All right. Enough with the chitchat! [Cut to Tony Solis]

Y’all are here to dance! So, let’s do it!

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on.

[Tony Solis walks to Chloe Fineman]

Tony Solis: And who hired you?

[Tony Solis pushes Chloe Fineman away through the wall]

Chloe Fineman: Ah!

Heidi Gardner: I’m getting out of here!

Bown Yang: He just killed Trish!

Brad: Suit yourself. I’m staying. I’m not blowing this gig.

Chris Redd: That was your wife, man!

Cut for Time ’80s Drug PSA

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Tommy… Kyle Mooney

Grieg… Chance the Rapper

Darnell… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a disclaimer]

Announcer: The following has been paid for the Queen City Department of Education.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy in the alley]

Chris Redd: That was a fun basketball game.

Mikey Day: Yeah! So awesome. So, what do we do now?

Tommy: Hey, you guys wanna get high?

Chris Redd: You mean, smoke marijuana?

Tommy: Nope, even better. It’s called crack cocaine.

Mikey Day: Awesome!

Chris Redd: I’ll try some.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You’re wrong little dudes. I know you kids ain’t thinking about doing cocaine.

Darnell: Yeah, man! That stuff is wiggady-whack!

[Cut to everybody]

Tommy: Whoa! Who are you guys?

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Both: The sober brothers!

Darnell: In full effect!

Grieg: And when we were your age we used to do cocaine.

Darnell: Word up!

Grieg: You kids don’t want to get mixed up with that junk.

Darnell: Yeah, man! ‘Cos it’s crazy dangerous and it’s expensive.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Yeah, but this is crack cocaine. It’s new and really cheap.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: But it’s still bad for you kids.

Darnell: How cheap?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: I don’t know. Pretty cheap, like, um, five bucks a rock.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: Wow, man! That’s pretty damn cheap. It’s probably weak though, right?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: It’s actually way stronger than regular cocaine.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: Oh, snap! That’s impossible, right Grieg?

Grieg: Ay, it doesn’t matter. You kids still shouldn’t mess with that crap.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Chris Redd: But everybody’s doing it.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: And where they at?

Grieg: Ay, but check this out. You don’t want to be a follower.

Darnell: What? In a park way over there with that long line?

Grieg: If everybody jumped off a bridge, would you?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Chris Redd: I guess not.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: And that’s why you shouldn’t do crack.

Darnell: Look at that. The cops are just letting it happen too.

Grieg: Ay, come on, man!

Darnell: Oh, right! Sorry. Besides, kids, cocaine will ruin your nose just like it did mine.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: But it doesn’t go in your nose. You smoke it with a pipe.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: And what does it taste like?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Actually it tastes pretty gross.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: Exactly! It’s gross because it’s bad for you.

Darnell: How gross is it though? I mean, like, does it taste like bugs? Because, I’ve eaten bugs.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Whatever old man. I’m gonna smoke crack. Who’s with me?

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: Me!

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Mikey Day: I don’t know, Tommy. Maybe these guys are right.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: But, maybe we wrong.

Grieg: Darnell! What are you doing man?

Darnell: Man, are you hearing this? This is everything we dreamed of, man! We can get higher, faster for cheaper. And you just want to walk away?

Grieg: But we don’t do that anymore.

Darnell: Because it costs too much. And now, it doesn’t.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Fine, I’m going to go throw this crack in the trash.

Mikey Day: Yeah!

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: That’s good thinking little man.

Darnell: Yeah, which can?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Thank you sober brothers.

Chris Redd: You saved our lives.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: No need to thank us.

Darnell: Yeah, man! Just tell us which can you’re going to throw the crack in.

Grieg: And always remember, [Cut to everybody] when it comes to doing drugs–

Everybody: Just say, “No!”

Darnell: Let me toss it away for you.