Tag: Season 45

Grocery Store Ad

Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Suzanna… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Kathy and Suzanna speaking in Bartenson’s grocery store’s ad.]

Kathy: Hi, everyone. We’re Kathy and Suzanna-Anne-Helen from Bartenson’s Grocery Store.

Suzanna: As you know, staples like chicken, milk and bread have been flying off the shelves.

Kathy: That’s why we wanted to alert you to some items that despite the pandemic, we still have an absolute abundance .

Suzanna: Items like, Frozon Hawaiian pizza.

Kathy: A little bag of dry hard beans.

Suzanna: Margarine.

Kathy: Cauliflower pasta.

Suzanna: Mint Pringles.

Kathy: Wine from Missouri.

Suzanna: Chex mix. Opps! All pretzels.

Kathy: Impossible Lobster

Suzanna: Flouride bananas.

Kathy: And of course Dasani water.

Suzanna: What’s wrong with it? It’s water.

Kathy: I don’t know. I like it.

Suzanna: Well, we may be out of certain things like, eggs and soap. Some items are extremely in stock.

Kathy: We can’t get rid of them.

Suzanna: Like oat milk pizza.

Kathy: Boy scout cookies. They’re wet.

Suzanna: Pepsi crab.

Kathy: Tomoo. It’s tofu made from beef and cheese.

Suzanna: Mario Batali pasta sauce that we’ve rebranded as fat Italian ponytail pasta sauce.

Kathy: And of course, reduced sodium Dasani water. Now with 30% less salt. We also offer grocery delivery. And our website makes substitution a snap. You asked for pasta sauce. Do you want salsa? You asked for toilet paper. Do you want a DVD of Van Helsing?

Suzanna: We’ve also got kids. So, you can get creative at home. Like, make your own barbecue kit, a 400 pound commercial hog, some barbecue sauce and a knife.

Kathy: And of course, to clean up, Dasani Clorox wipes. Kills 4000% germs.

Suzanna: At Bartenson’s, there are some things we can always guarantee. Dedication, customer service and availability of certain items that we will never not have. Like, Ukrainian Yogurt.

Kathy: Pepto Bismol Oreo.

Suzanna: Peeps soup.

Kathy: And Dasani water, now vegetarian.

Suzanna: So, consider adding these new favorites to your shopping list.

Kathy: We want to give you what you want. But first, we need you to buy what we have.

Suzanna: From your friends at Bartenson’s grocery store.

FaceTime with Rudd

Paul Rudd

Mandy… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Paul Rudd in his house Facetiming]

Paul Rudd: Hey, I’m just gonna Facetime with my cousin real quick. I haven’t seen her since we were kids and she’s just checking in with the family, wants to make sure everyone’s okay. [Facetime ringing] Oh, there she is. Hello?

Mandy: Hello? Little Pauley?

Paul Rudd: Mandy?

Mandy: Yeah, Mandy. Pretty Mandy.

Paul Rudd: It’s been a while.

Mandy: Yeah, it has. So, do you still go swimming?

Paul Rudd: Um, well, um, sometimes.

Mandy: I knew it. I knew you still swim. Yeah. Um, do you still do coloring?

Paul Rudd: Oh, not much coloring these days. No.

Mandy: That’s okay.

Paul Rudd: Are you okay? You seem a little– I don’t know. Forgive me for asking. Do you have coronavirus?

Mandy: No. Do you have coronavirus? Man, you different. You changed, little Pauley, you changed.

Paul Rudd: Well, I would imagine so. Yeah. I haven’t seen you since I was seven. I mean, I’m grown. I’ve got a wife. I’ve got a demanding job.

Mandy: That’s not what I heard. No. Because cousin David said all your jobs got shut down.

Paul Rudd: Oh, well, yeah. Everyone’s kind of did.

Mandy: No. No. I saw the movie Wonder Woman did with all the other celebrities where they sang the [singing ‘Imagine’] Imagine there’s some people

Paul Rudd: Oh, that wasn’t a movie. That was just a thing.

Mandy: So, you weren’t famous enough to be in there?

Paul Rudd: No. Apparently not. Hey, it’s not so bad, honestly. It’s kind of nice taking a bit of a break. Made some fun summer salads.

Mandy: Ooh, ratatouille.

Paul Rudd: Yeah. That’s–

Mandy: The movie sucks.

Paul Rudd: Ratatouille does? It’s a good movie.

Mandy: Speaking of movies, weren’t you nominated for Golden Globe award?

Paul Rudd: I was. Yeah. That was a real thrill.

Mandy: Yeah. But then whose name did they read? That’s the winner.

Paul Rudd: Ah! Not mine.

Mandy: No, they didn’t. They said, “The Golden Globes goes to Ramy Youssef.”

Paul Rudd: That kind of stuff doesn’t matter much to me.

Mandy: It will matter once Ramy Youssef is the new Ant-man. When he’s wearing your suit. Pretty soon, Ramy Youssef is gonna be the new You-ssef.

Paul Rudd: You don’t have to keep saying Ramy Youssef. I get it. What about you? You’ve won any awards lately?

Mandy: [showing a trophy] Last night, I won tic-tac-toe.

Paul Rudd: What’s ti-ta-to?

Mandy: A tic-tac-toe. Three x’s in a row.

Paul Rudd: Tic-tac=toe, got you.

Mandy: I played down at the bar and I got–

Paul Rudd: I don’t think you’re supposed to be going to bars.

Mandy: No one got corona at Jizzy’s. Plus I wore my gloves. [showing her biker gloves]

Paul Rudd: Those are fingerless gloves. I don’t know–

Mandy: Hey, you remember when we kissed?

Paul Rudd: You know what? I think I’m gonna jump off for a second.

Mandy: We kissed! And you started.

Paul Rudd: But it’s been so nice talking to you. Freezing up. Hold on.

[Paul Rudd hangs up]

Mandy: Where is he? I’ll call him back.

Dr. Anthony Fauci Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Brad Pitt

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from one of the lead members of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci speaking from home.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Good evening. I’m Dr. Anthony Fauci. First, I’d like to thank all the older women in America who have sent me supportive, inspiring and sometimes graphic emails. Now, there’s been a lot of misinformation out there about the virus. And yes, the president has taken some liberties with our guidelines. So, tonight, I would like to explain what the president was trying to say. And remember, let’s all try to keep an open mind.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at a podium]

Donald Trump: We had some– We had a great meeting today with a lot of the great companies and um, they gonna have vaccines I think relatively soon…

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Relatively soon is an interesting phrase. Relative to the entire history of earth, sure, the vaccine’s gonna come real fast. But if you were to tell a friend, “I’ll be over relatively soon,” and then showed up a year and half later, well, your friend may be relative pissed off.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: We have done an incredible job. We’re going to continue. It’s going to disappear. One day. It’s like a miracle. It will disappear.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Miracle would be great. Who doesn’t love miracles? But miracles shouldn’t be plan A. Even Sully tried to land at the airport first.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Anybody that needs a test gets a test. They’re there. They have the tests. And the tests are beautiful.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Couple of things. I don’t know if I would describe the test as beautiful. Unless your idea of beauty is having a cotton swab tickle your brain. Also, when he said everyone can get a test, what he meant was almost noone.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: You can call it a germ. You can call it a flu. You can call it a virus. You know, you can call it many different names. I’m not sure anybody even knows what it is.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: We know what it is.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: And then I see the disinfectant. Where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And, is there a way we can do something like that? Um, by injection?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci looking clueless.]

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Suppose we hit the body with a tremendous, um, whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci doing the facepalm.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I know I shouldn’t be touching my face but– Now, there is a rumor that the president is going to fire me. Let’s see what he said about that.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Today, I walk in, I hear I’m gonna fire him. I’m not firing him. I think he’s a wonderful guy.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: So, yeah. I’m getting fired. But until then, I’m gonna be there putting out the facts for whoever’s listening. And when I hear things like the virus could be cured if everyone takes the tide pod challenge, I’ll be there to say, “Please don’t.”

[He opens the wig. He’s Brad Pitt.] And to the real Dr. Fauci, thank you for your calm and your clarity in this unnerving time. And thank you to the medical workers, first responders and their families for being on the front line. And now, live, kind of, from all across America, it’s Saturday night.

Big Papi Cooking Show

David “Big Papi” Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “Big Dominican Lunch” intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Big Dominican lunch with Big Papi [foreign language]

[Cut to Kenan in his home kitchen]

David Ortiz: Bienvenido. Yo, soy former baseball slugger, David Ortiz. And if you’re like me, you want a big Dominican lunch. Now, you might be saying to yoursekf, “Big paip, how’d you going to make a big Dominican lunch when it’s quarantine? And you can’t get things like mofongo, habichuela con bistek, camarones con pimientas frita and you can barely find any wasakaka con quesco frito.” That’s why you gotta learn to improvise, man.

So, today we’re making a very simple dish with just a few things I found lying around the house.  It’s called sancocho conpollo jahom carne molida cochinillo pierna de cordero langosta espinosa manos de mono lengua de ballena. You know, the stuff in everybody’s pantry. And speaking of pantries, I should mention today’s sponsor, Esploded can of beans. “Esploded can of beans. You got a can of beans that you found on the floor and not it’s exploded? That might be a bad sign, bro. You might want to throw that away before those beans explode inside of you.”

And have you been washing your hands like, a thousand times a day? Well then you’re in Pure hell. [a copy of Purell] “Pure hell, why is my skin just like a bunch of dust?”

Okay, time to make our seven meat sancocho, the dish that Peta calls “a genocide.” I got a professional overhead camera set up too so you can see exactly what I’m cooking. It’s just an iPhone duct taped to the ceiling.

[the iPhone falls into the cooking pot.]

Oh, dammit, man!

Okay, step one, you’re going to need a big ass pot. That’s why you need to call my Puerto Rican cousin ‘Big Bunny.’

[Cut to Big Bunny]

Big Bunny: Ola. I’m Big Bunny. I sell big ass pots. Do you need a pot that can hold 22 different animals, even big ones like llama and yak? Then call Big Bunny’s big ass pots.

And now, I am also selling sweatpants. Are you going to give a work presentation on Zoom but you’re worried your boss will see your penis? Try sweatpants. It’s better than nada.

Oh, Big Papi, you’re looking pretty fly these days. What is your secret?

David Ortiz: I got shot. Okay. Thank you so very much for coming on this show, cous. We’ll see you later. Give it up for Big Bunny, everybody. Okay. That was step one. Buy a big ass pot. Step two, cook everything in the pot. Ay, okay. That’s our show man.

Male voice: On the next episode…

David Ortiz: We’re going to make chicken pot pie. First, you eat a chicken. Then you smoke a little pot, and then you eat a whole pie. On “Big Dominican Lunch” with Big Papi.

Architectural Digest Tour

Beck Bennett

[Starts with “Architectural Digest Open Door” intro]

Female voice: “Architectural Digest Open Door” where we invite you to take an exclusive look at some of our favorite celebrity homes as they take us through the design techniques that makes each home unique.

[Cut to Beck Bennett opening the door.]

Beck: Hi, AD, this is Beck Bennett. And this is my home. Come on inside. [looks at the back of the door] Um, you don’t need to– you can just get over. [there are things placed in messy way] You don’t need to get that. That’s just some boxes.

[Beck Bennett starts the house tour.]

This is my home. This is like, the main room. This is where we like, watch TV and hangout.  That’s a candle. This is a window. Um, huh, there’s some tape on this. Sorry, just gonna get this. Hah! There’s a little piece of tape on the window.

Come on over here with me to the dining room. This is a calendar that we were using to keep track of how many days went by. And now, we’re just kind of I guess, keeping the puzzle pieces on there. And this is kind of like, the pile. I don’t know if you guys have this. We just like, don’t know what to do with a lot of this stuff.

This is like a cool, fancy Jenga that we got in Thailand which is one of our favorite places. I think Jenga is maybe, a big part of the culture there. Um, or I’m not sure. Actually, I don’t know.

This is a piano. Um, sometimes I like to come here and get creative. Um, and play some. [singing] Sometimes, some- sometimes sometimes I go. Um, brings me some calming energy and helps me escape. And my neighbor’s car. That’s his blue car.

This is sort of an organic thing. This is a new crack on the wall. Um, the house is over 100 years old and will just kind of get cracks in the walls sometimes. There’s a crack on the wall. There’s crack. There’s a crack. That’s a kind of a stain. Cracks right there. Crack up there. This was a big crack but we kind of smudged it with this stuff but we never painted over the smudge. Sort of a crack. There’s a crack. There’s a crack over there. That’s a crack. That’s a crack right above it. And this right here, this is a tape stain.

Well, AD, that was my home. Thanks so much for coming. See ya. Hey, was that good? What are the other homes like?

Airbnb Commericial

Chloe Fineman

[Airbnb commercial starts with Chloe making up the bed, gardening and decorating the house]

Chloe narrating: There’s so many people I haven’t met yet. Why not start at my own home? Being an Airbnb host has been one of the most life changing experiences I have ever had.

[A guests walks in]

Uli: This is the nicest house I have ever stayed. [taking selfie video] This is the kitchen. [pointing at the things in the kitchen] How cool? Pretty cool. Look at all the stuffs she has. [she opens the fridge and eats the cookies]

Chloe: narrating Uli was supposed to stay for three days. And then the quarantine happened.

Uli narrating: I get to stay another month. [she uses the juice mixer]

Chloe narrating: And she is still here.

[Uli is making noise in her room with loud music and dancing]

Chloe: Hey, Uli, can you do your dishes?

[Uli uses the garden hose to clean her dishes]

Uli: Pretty clean! [she breaks the bowl]

Chloe narrating: I love helping people. You know, what is more powerful than opening your home to a stranger?

[Chloe is video calling her mother]

Chloe: I know mom. Well, they laid off half the company.

[Uli slowly gets in]

Uli: We’re out of toilet paper.

Chloe: My roommate.

Uli: We’re out of toilet paper.

[Uli receiving the home delivered things]

Uli: Hey, you can just leave the package right there. [at the garden] Yeah, right over there.

Uli narrating: So, I can only pay with Swedish black market money. But, I’ll pay her back.

[Chloe finds her cookies plate empty]

Chloe narrating: I’m providing a home. My whole home.

[Chloe is video calling her grandmother]

Chloe: Hi, grand mom.

[Uli is making too much noise]

Uli narrating: I think we’re gonna be best friends forever.

[Chloe walks out of the door. She finds Uli stretching her body naked on the garden.]

Aidy Bryant’s Childhood Journal

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Aidy Bryant in her house.]

Aidy: I recently found a bunch of my real old journals and they’re such a good window to our past. So, I figured let’s see what’s inside.

[Cut to Aidy’s Real Journals video bumper]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

This first one is my actual real journal from second grade.  “I hope I licke my new school.” Sad face with tears. And that’s a classic dumb ass trying to emote word for herself but also unable to write or read.

Let’s see, what else here? Hah! Oh! Look at that. That looks like a turd flying above the ocean.

Oh, this is kind of the 90s iguana cover and there’s a “Glamour on the go” nail fire keychain that’s attached in case while I’m writing, I wanna look gorgeous. Which of course is always the case. Over the course of history, many journals have become sort of a great record of time and hardship. You know, what are these memoirs, what are these journals? They’re always a list of cool stuff. Things such as tamacatchis, kooshlings, TV, phones, shoping or shopping if you will. And so, there’s a focus on being a consumer. But there’s also Rosie O’Donell who got a special page noting her as “My role model” for the summer and at the bottom, I’ve made sure if there are any questions, I’m answering it with “Okay.”

At this point, I was nine years old and what are nine year olds in love with? Horses? No. Pop stars? No. The answer is turtles. Okay? And I love turtles so much. But not enough to learn how to spell the word. And so, I doubled hard on “Turtels.” “Turtels, turtels, turtels.” But at the bottom here, I’ve made an important note and it’s coming from a speech bubble from noone. “But I won’t eat them!” So, don’t think I was gonna eat my turtles, guys.

I still write often and you know, pretty much from 14 to 28, these are all just about how horny and sad I am. When are we gonna be able to get the hell out of our houses? I can’t keep looking back at the past and I have nothing inside of here that is the future. I don’t know what to say anymore. Help. Help.

I’m doing fine and I hope to see you real soon.

Zoom Call

Mikey Day

Brian… Alex Moffat

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mike taking a video in his house]

Mike: Hey, everybody. Hi.

[Cut to a Zoom conference call. There are six participants including Henriette, Kevin, Crystal, Brian and Nan.]

All: Hey, hello.

Mike: Welcome to Sales Corp Industry’s first Zoom call. This is how we’re going to be doing meetings now. So we wanted to get everyone acquainted with the program, with a little Zoom tutorial. On the call today, we got Brian from sales.

Brian: Oh, man. So good to see you everybody. At a safe distance that is. Ha-ha-ha.

Mike: Ha-ha. Yeah. Um, we got Crystal from market research.

Crystal: Hey. Sorry, my place is such a wreck.

Mike: Na, that’s perfect. We got Kevin from research.

Kevin: Yo, any of y’all wearing pants? Be honest now. Ha-ha. Zoom is fun.

Mike: Oh-oh. It is. It is. And of course, Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionists.

Henriette: Yeah. It is. Yes. We just work the phones normally. So, we’re gonna see.

Nan: Hah! Hello. Hello. I got an email address for this.

Mike: Um, that’s great. We’re glad to have you. You guys will be just fine. Zoom has different layouts. So, go ahead and play around with the view on your screen while we chat. Anybody up to anything fun at home?

Brian: Well, mainly like a lot of my cat looking at me like, “Um, shouldn’t you be at work?”

Crystal: Hah, I know. My dogs are so happy right now. I take them on, like, 12 walks a day.

Kevin: Does anyone else fully hate their kids? Ha-ha.

Henriette: Ha-ha-ha. [Henriette has her mouth near to camera. We can’t see her full face.] And for me it’s been reevaluating which of my mugs I think are the funnies. Ha-ha. Okay. Now this isn’t right, is it?

Nan: Yes. And I recorded my own commentary for a dog’s purpose. I think this is not right.

Mike: You just don’t need to be so close to the camera.

Henriette: Okay. Well, I’ve been calling into QVC [moving the camera around, now we can only see her legs] telling them how good of a job I think that they’re doing.

Mike: Just reset the camera.

Nan: Okay. Like this? [Wayne Brady’s picture replaces Nan’s video] Did I activate Zoom?

Mike: No. You turned it off. And it looks like your avatar is a picture of Wayne Brady? Henriette and Nan, guys, just point the camera at you and just leave it be.

[Nan and Henriette start crying]

Henriette: [sobbing] We’re sorry.

Nan: [sobbing]We’re not cut out for this.

Henriette: [sobbing]I thought this computer only did solitaire.

Nan: [sobbing]We ruined the Zoom.

Mike: No, no, no. Guys, hey, don’t cry. No one ruined the Zoom. We’re all learning here, okay? Why don’t I jus show you guys some of the other cool features it has, okay? Like, there’s virtual background. Even though you’re at home, you can change the background to a beach or wherever you’d most like to be.

[Henriette gets a picture of ‘The Good Doctor’ as her background]

Henriette: This is my beach. It’s the only file I have on my computer and it is my favorite doctor.

Mike: The poster from ‘The Good Doctor?’

Henriette: He’s a doctor but he’s different.

Mike: Okay. Yeah. You can also share your screen down here.

Nan: Oh, wow.

Mike: Either your desktop or an application.

Nan: Okay, am I doing it? I was going for desktop. What part of my screen are you seeing?

Mikey: We’re seeing a Google search that says, “Siri, is my daughter pregnant?”

Henriette: Okay. But I was wondering. [Henriette is walking in her house] If a hacker gets a hold of Zoom, what can I tell? [Henriette walks into the bathroom and puts her laptop on the floor.]

Mikey: Oh, no. [Henriette closes the bathroom door.] No, no, no, no. Please don’t bring it into the bathroom. We can see you always.

Henriette: Oh. I didn’t know.

Nan: [covering her face with her sweater] Okay, my screen is dark again. Darn it.

Mike: No. Don’t take your clothes off, Nan. No, no, no, no. Don’t take your clothes off. Oh, my god. No, don’t. Stop. Both of you. I’m sorry to do this guys. Just please stop. Please.

[Henriette starts crying on her bed]

Oh, no.

Henriette: [sobbing] I’m bad news.

Nan: [sobbing]I’m from hell.

Henriette: [sobbing]I just found out I’m supposed to tip waiters.

Nan: [sobbing]I found out that I’m wearing my shoes on the wrong feet.

Mike: Okay, Henriette, Nan, don’t be so hard on yourselves. Guys, this technology is new. You’re staying home. I’m sure you’re great at that.

Henriette: [sobbing] No, I’m not.

Nan: [sobbing] I’ve never used soap before.

Henriette: [sobbing] I used my license as toilet paper and now I don’t know my own birthday.

Mike: Okay. That’s probably enough.

Nan: [sobbing] My husband says I can only use one sheet of toilet paper, but I need three to get all the dukie out.

Henriette: [sobbing] If I can’t kiss my kids on the mouth, I’m gonna hurt an animal.

Nan: [sobbing] I tried to clean my ass in the middle of the night with the hose in the driveway and I went viral.

Mike: Okay. You know what? Let’s call it. Henriette and Nan, we don’t need you to be on any Zoom calls.

Henriette: Thank god.

Nan: Oh, wonderful. Okay.

Kevin: Hey, um, does anybody knows where I can find Nan’s hose video?

Brian: Yeah, I’ll send it to everybody.

Kevin: Thanks brother.

Mike: Oh, thank you.

Nan: Thanks, guys.

Weekend Update- President Trump Gives Coronavirus Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]

Colin Jost: A lot of Americans have been watching president Trump’s daily press conferences. Calling into our show right now which is very exciting for an official update on the pandemic is president Donald Trump. [Donald Trump joins on the phone] Thank you so much for joining us Mr. President. So, what’s the latest with the virus?

Donald Trump: Well, I’m happy to report Colin that America is now number one in the world for coronavirus. Number one while I was president, #AmericaNumberOne #NotImportantWhy.

Colin Jost: You seem almost excited about it.

Donald Trump: Well, my approval rating is up. My TV rating is through the roof. Every night at seven PM, all of the New York claps and cheers for the great job I’m doing.

Michael Che: Yeah. I don’t know if that’s for you, man.

Donald Trump: You’re wrong, LeBron. You’re wrong. I’ll be honest. This virus, this COFIFA-nineteen is really a tough one.

Michael Che: What exactly is your advice? Because it seems to change every Michael Che4 hours.

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question. You’re very nasty. All along, I’ve always said it was a giant hoax that we should take very seriously. Even though it was embedded by the democrats impeachment part two to everyone needs to wash their hands or not.

Colin Jost: I was just wondering. Where are you getting most of your advice for this?

Donald Trump: We have to listen to the experts on this one. Me, Hannity, Jared Kushner and Michael Lindell from My Pillow. All the experts agree we need to wear masks.

Colin Jost: Right. Right. So, are you wearing a mask?

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question, okay? No, I’m not. Last time I wore a mask, I hot boxed myself and passed out. And I can’t wear mask in my tanning bed or when I take it off I’ll be dark up top with the white circle around my mouth like a reverse Homer Simpson.

Colin Jost: I did notice that you stopped referring to it as Chinese virus.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Colin. I had to tone down the ethnic slurs after I discovered everything we need to survive the virus is made in Gina (China), okay? Here are some of the other names we workshopped.

Michael Che: Oh, I would love to, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Okay. We had ‘Chinese flu.’ Then of course, ‘Hong Kong fluey.’ Then ‘Crouching tiger hidden symptons.’ Or, ‘Wang Chung Lung.’ And there’s ‘General Tso’s revenge.’ Okay? Stephen Miller came up with ‘The Yellow Fever,’ but that’s already a thing. It’s when a white dude is horny for an Asian chick.

Colin Jost: It was probably better, sir, the back off. Some people are saying that now you seem more presidential than you ever have.

Donald Trump: Colin, in times like this, we need to come together as one nation because no matter our differences, all Americans can agree on one thing, Carole Baskin definitely fed her husband to those tigers. I’m proud to announce Trump Exotic twentytwenty. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. They have a feeling Pence is gonna be pretty into Joe Exotic.

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. President Trump, everyone.

Donald Trump: All the absentee ballots are covered in coronavirus. Happy Easter, everybody.

Weekend Update- New Twinkies Cereal and Joe Exotic Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes.]

Michael Che: The makers of Twinkies announced a new cereal based on the snack cakes. And this is nice. Every box comes with a t-shirt you kid can wear in the pool.

Colin Jost: LifeTime has announced a spin-off of their new hit show “Married At First Sight” that catches up on couples from the show. The spin-off if called “Divorced or Murdered?”

Joe Exotic, the subject of the Netflix series “Tiger King” said that he wants Brad Pitt to play him in a movie version of his life. Which is sort of like if ‘The Colin Jost’ story starred Denzel Washington.

Michael Che: A woman in England baked a cake for a charity fundraiser that was in the shape of a rollup toilet paper. The icing was vanilla with a little streaks of chocolate. That’s a good cake.

Colin Jost: A couple has created a miniature versions of classic paintings to display for their durables. They say the toughest part was getting the paintings to also fit up their ass.

Michael Che: What happened to you?

Colin Jost: A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their homes at a senior home in Germany have started performing outside their windows. Even though saying, “I see clowns outside my window,” is how you end up in a home.

Michael Che: A male panda at a zoo in Hong Kong has for the first time mated with his female companion of ten years, after she finally agreed to get implants. [A picture of a panda with breasts appears.]

That’s funny. You know guys, by the way, this is really fun. And as you know, Colin, I lost my grandmother this week. And coming back to work really made me feel better. Specially with you.

Colin Jost: Aw. Thank you.

Michael Che: My favorite part of this show was when would do joke swap. You have no idea but, I don’t know, maybe would you like to do one right now?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Wow, that started out so sweet.

Michael Che: Yeah. No. Well, I mean, she would have really liked it.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: So, I sent– I had Pete send you a joke in your email if you can just open up and read it.

Colin Jost: [pulling out the laptop] This is my laptop that I just received my email on. [reading the email] Oh my god!

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. She would really like this.

Colin Jost: Yeah. She would love. Okay. For her then, I’ll say this. Great.

Two professors at the University of Oklahoma have been cited for using the N word in class. In their defense, the students were being pretty lazy.

Michael Che: Damn! My grandmother has never seen this show. I just wanted you to do that.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: She woke up at like, 4 AM dude, to pray. You think she’d watch Saturday Night Live? Never. But I really appreciate it. That made this night perfect, man. Thank you. Aw, man. For Weekend Update, I’m Martha’s grand baby.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.