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Biden Unites Democrats Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Joe Manchin… Aidy Bryant

Ilhan Omar… Ego Nwodim

Alexandria… Melissa Villaseñor.

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Male voice: And now, a message from the president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden speaking on a podium]

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Good evening. Fellow Americans, how’s everybody doing? What’s cooking? What’s good? How are you doing? How was everybody’s summer? Mine was bad. Not Cuomo bad but definitely not Afghanistan good. Everyone keeps harassing me about that drone strike. But on the bright side, I went the entire summer without falling down the stairs once. It’s pretty darn good. And hey, Broadway’s back. That’s exciting, right? [cheers and applause] So was the Taliban. So, I win some, lose some.

Unlike our last president, I try staying out of the limelight. I’m like an oil change, you don’t think about me unless you absolutely have to.

Right now, America needs me. Democrats need me. Got a major of structure bell on a historic socio gen, it had to get past. So now, I’m bringing together the democrats like Voltron so they’re all different colors but fundamentally, the robots. On one side, we have the moderate democrats, Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema standing beside Joe Biden]

Kyrsten Sinema: What do I want from this bill? I’ll never tell. Because I didn’t come to congress to make friends. And so far, mission accomplished.

Joe Biden: Is it just me or does she look like all the characters from Scooby Doo at the same time? And another pain in my keister the de facto president of the United States, Joe Manchin from West Virginia.

[Cut to Joe Manchin standing beside Kyrsten Sinema]

Joe Manchin: Yeah, that’s right. I’m a democrat from West Virginia. If I vote for electric cars, they’re gonna kill me.

Joe Biden: On the other side, we have two members of progressive caucus, Ilhan Omar from Minessota

[Cut to Ilhan Omar]

Ilhan Omar: Thank you Joe for not calling me Kamala. For those of you who don’t know me, I was designed in a lab to give Tucker Carlson a heart attack.

Joe Biden: And finally, Alexandria– I’m not going to try to say the whole name. A.O.C. from Nueva York.

[Cut to Alexandria waving her hands]

[cheers and applause]

Alexandria: Yes, it’s me, the Cruella of the MET Gala. I wore a dress that said “Tax the rich”, then spent all night partying with the rich. Oops!

Joe Biden: Let’s go through this agenda together because we’re going to realize, “Hey, we’re all on the same page. We’re all singing the same damn thing.”

Alexandria: That’s right. I’m saying we need at least 300 billion in clean energy tax credits.

Joe Manchin: And I’m saying 0.

Joe Biden: See? Same page. There’s a lot of good stuff in this bill like Joe BidenKyrsten Sinema weeks of paid family leave.

Kyrsten Sinema: Six days!

Joe Biden: Six whole days of paid–

Joe Manchin: Well, unpaid.

Joe Biden: Unpaid six whole days–

Kyrsten Sinema: Night.

Joe Biden: Six nights of unpaid family half leave. That’s not a bad compromise, right? And what do you want in return?

Alexandria: What about a child tax credit?

Joe Biden: Great idea! We always said, children shouldn’t pay taxes. It’s a lot of math.

Joe Manchin: But if we give children too much leeway, how are they gonna get them to work in the minds, you know? We need their tiny hands to dig. All the big pieces of coal are gone. We need the little kid fingers to gather the little pieces.

Joe Biden: Okay. Let’s get a little basic. Roads. Everyone okay with roads?

Alexandria: I like roads.

Joe Manchin: Me too. Roads are where trucks live.

Joe Biden: Kyrsten?

Kyrsten Sinema: I want no roads.

Joe Biden: No roads? Why?

Kyrsten Sinema: Chaos!

Joe Biden: Alright! What about water? We’re allotting. Let’s see. 65 billion for water. Wow, that’s a lot of water. Does it come with the mermaid? Just kidding.

[Joe Biden pokes Ilhan Omar with his ankle to let her know of is joke]

Ilhan Omar: No. It was good.

Joe Biden: Yeah. What do you say, Joe? You good with water?

Joe Manchin: I don’t like that taste.

Joe Biden: Fine. Let’s focus on the two things that poll best with all Americans – lowering the price of prescription drugs–

Kyrsten Sinema: No!

Joe Biden: And raising taxes on billionaires.

[Kyrsten Sinema shows her thumbs down on the idea]

Alright then, just tell us Kyrsten. What do you like? What’s good to you?

Kyrsten Sinema: Yellow starbursts, the film “The Polar Express”, and when someone eats fish on an airplane.

Alexandria: But can’t we compromise on anything? Isn’t something better than nothing?

Kyrsten Sinema: Look. As a wine drinking bisexual triathlete, I know what the average American wants. They want to be put on hold when they call 9Joe BidenJoe Biden. They want bridges that just stop, car falls down. They want water so thick, you can eat it with a fork. And I will fight for that no matter what, unless my foot hurts, then I’ll go back to Arizona.

Joe Biden: Fine! Fine! Then we’re gonna talk about one last item on the agenda. Most important one. Trains!

Ilhan Omar: Oh god, again?

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t take dreams away from me! We need to remind people of the grandeur of American rail travel. The quiet car. The seats are faced backwards. The sliding bathroom doors that don’t quite lock. You open it up, catch a glimpse of an old man on a toilet. The full bottle of gatorade rolling around on the floor of the train. It goes that way, it goes back. Without trains, no American.

Ilhan Omar: I can’t believe I’m saying this to my white boss, it’s gonna be okay.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: It’s gonna be more than okay. Take it from me, governor-ish Andrew Cuomo. Us democrats have had each other’s backs no matter what. We’re like one big Italian family. And you know what Italians like to do? Hug and kiss and run their fingers up each other’s backs. So, let’s all come together– Oh, bad choice of words there. And get this bill pass today. Just like me, it deserves a second chance. And a third chance. And up to at least Joe BidenJoe Biden chances. Oh, and I want to plug my new book. My first one was called “Lessons and Leadership”. And my new one is called “Whoops!”

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: And I’m here to promote my new book, “Sandwiches I have liked and tried”. Hello, I’m Chuck Schumer. You may remember me, but you don’t. I hope you’ve enjoyed our little rap session. Next time you get an email from the democratic party with a scary desperate subject line like “It’s all over, Jennifer. Democracy is dead unless you donate $Chuck Schumer now!”, don’t panic too much. Us democrats are all in this together.

Joe Biden: Hey, we sure are. Because fundamentally, we’re all the same.

Andrew Cuomo: Screw!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Dance Studio

Christina:
Good morning, people! I hope you are ready to dance! Now, for those of you who don’t know me, I am Jillian Chizz. Yes, THE Jillian Chizz.

Taran:
I saw her on Broadway in “Chicago”.

Nasim:
I heard she studied with Bob Fosse.

Bobby:
Yeah, I hear she’s an amazing teacher.

Kenan:
Well, I hope so, because I have an audition tomorrow, and I need to learn how to dance.

Christina:
Okay, let’s get started! Now, my technique is deeply rooted in Fosse. Okay, so if you are not familiar with Bob Fosse’s style, okay, huh, here’s a quick review:

[She poses.] This is Fosse!

[Another pose.] This is Fosse!

[A leg kick.] That is Fosse!

[Jazz hands.] This … is not Fosse. Okay? If I see any of you doing that, I will be doing this, which is me pointing to the door. But like this, because that is Fosse! All right, dolls? Okay! Now, let’s have two lines of three.

Taran:
Um, there’s only four of us.

Christina:
[Sighs.] As the great Tommy Tune said to me, “Just find it and play with it.” Okay? Here we go! I’m gonna show you the first eight. Are you ready? Here we go:

[Dances.] Ah, konk, ka-konk, konk, ka ka, za bow, za ba za, bizzee bizzee, ka ka ka ka.

Moving on, ready? Here we go!

Nasim:
Wait, I’m confused.

Taran:
Yeah, sorry, you just said “donka donka”.

Christina:
Yes, that’s correct. And from the donka donka, we have a konk! We have a zow za zow zow! You got that? All right, come on!

Kenan:
This don’t make no sense!

Christina:
There will come a time when you feel the ka-donk, all right? Now, from there, we are in the deep ka-doonk, all right?

Bobby:
Okay, I’m sorry, I … I’m lost.

Taran:
Yeah, maybe it would help if you gave us normal counts, like one-two-three-four.

Christina:
Oh, silly! This is Fosse, honey. We don’t do one, two, threes! We do ka-donks, ka-dooks, za zas, all right?

Kenan:
So, a ka-dook is a three? That don’t make no sense.

Christina:
Okay, you people know who I am, right? You know that I’ve been on The Broadway, right? You’ve heard the Tommy Tune stories, I’m sure, right? We were a hot item! And for that one crazy night, he loved me with every bit of his body except for his dong. Do you understand that? I would say it was hard on me, but no, really it just laid there like a steamed carrot.

Kenan:
Why, why’d you tell that story? It’s a bad reflection on you. That don’t make no sense!

Christina:
Okay, moving on! Moving on!

Bobby:
Miss Chizz? Miss Chizz? Could we just see the dance from the beginning just one more time?

Christina:
Okay, darling. I am tough, but I am not unreasonable. All right, I’ll give you some counts if it’ll make you happy. Okay, here we go: [Sarcastically:] Ah, five, six, seven, eight.

Konk, ka-donk, konk, ka konk, ka ka ka ka ka pow, za bow zow ba za zizz za zizz-a-zizz zizz zizz, ohnzee bow bow sa gohnzee bow bow, one, two, bon mot, down, zippety-boo-boo, a-zibbely-bow bow!

That’s great! Let’s do it with music, from the top!

Taran:
Wait, we don’t know it yet!

Christina:
Just find it, darling! Own it! [Starts the record.] Come on, pulse, pulse, people! Pose, come on, dance! That was it, come on, you missed it!

Kenan:
This don’t make no sense!

Christina:
[Dragging needle across record.] What’s your name?

Kenan:
Charles.

Christina:
Charles! What is not making sense to you?

Kenan:
Well, the whole thing. You. Tommy Tune. This song. This class. You. Look, I have an audition tomorrow, and I told them I could dance. I lied to them, Miss Chizz! This needs to start making seeee-ence.

Christina:
I see. Does everyone feel this way? Because I have been doing this for ka-konk and a half years, people!

Bobby:
Yeah, I don’t even know what you mean by ka-konk. Wait… [Dance move.] Ka-konk! Oh, my god! I just felt something!

Taran:
[Dance move.] Ka-konk! Me too!

Nasim:
[Dance move.] Ka-konk! Ooh, I felt that deep in my za-zay!

Kenan:
I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. I’m just gonna go, because it doesn’t seem like it makes any sense… [Leg kick.] Skree-doosh! Whoa!

Christina:
Yes!

Kenan:
It makes a whole lot of sense!

Christina:
You’ve got it! You’ve got it, all of you! Now, from the top! Here we go!

Ka-donk, konk, konk, ka-donk, konk, ka zow za za bow bow ba-zippety dum dum….

Dongs All Over the World

Aidy: Hey, did you guys hear about Janelle?

Cecily: Oh, yes! Turns out her man’s been pimping all over the world.

Anna: Yeah, he’s got hoes in different area codes.

Sasheer: That’s hot!!

Kate: And you know what, girls? That gives me [faces the camera] a nasty idea!

Kate:
We’re tired of sitting home while the guys have all the fun.
So we’re getting on a plane, gonna show ’em how it’s done.

Aidy:
Flying international with one thing on our minds,
and it’s not the type of thing you find in a travel guide.

Sasheer:
Not lookin’ for a art museum,
Not lookin’ for a mausoleum.
This ain’t the trip to see ’em —

Ensemble:
We. Just. Want. Those.
Dongs all over the world,
London, Paris, Tel Aviv.
Dongs all over the world,
Every woman’s fantasy!
Dongs all over the world,
Me llamo nasty girl!
Dong dong dong dong dong dong
Dongs all over the world.

Cecily:
One hundred ninety-six countries —
now that’s a lot of dongs!
All I packed is travel shampoo
and fifteen hundred thongs.

Anna:
Each dong is like a snowflake,
except that it’s a dong,
and we gotta catch ’em all
like sexual Pokemon!

Aidy:
Filling up my passport,
it’s all about quantity.
I’m a modern day Columbus,
and I claim this dong for me!

Cecily:
Time to drink some water,
and we rest our tired eyes.
Soon as we get off the plane,
our eyes are on the prize.

Sasheer:
The prize ain’t the Mona Lisa
or the Leaning Tower of Pisa
or the Pyramids of Giza.

Ensemble:
The. Prize. Is. The.
Dongs all over the world,
Venice, Shanghai, Venice Beach.
Dongs all over the world,
fifty hours without sleep.
Dongs all over the world,
ich bin nasty girl.
Dong dong dong dong dong dong
Dongs all over the world.

Anna:
Here’s a quick tip that ya need to know
when ya travellin’ the world with your girls in tow.
Keep a tight schedule and ya can’t go wrong.
You’ll see none of the country, but all of the dongs.
Nine PM, get off the plane.
9:01, go find the dongs.
9:02, destroy the dongs.
9:03, back on the plane!

Icona Pop:
Ladies, these are your captains speaking.
It is now safe and mandatory to move about the cabin.

Ensemble:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I love it.
hey, hey, hey, hey, dong, dong, dong, dong.

Vanessa:
So, do you live in Istanbul?

Aidy:
No, uh, I’m actually an international nasty girl
and my friends and I are doing every dong in the world.

Vanessa:
Oh. That’s nice.

Ensemble:
Dongs all over the world,
Hong Kong, Florence, Philippines,
Dongs all over the world,
gimme, gimme, gimme please!
Dongs all over the world,
je suis nasty girl.
Dong dong dong dong dong dong
Dongs all over the world.

Weekend Update- Republicans to Block January 6 Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on May 22 at left top corner.]

Well, it’s our last Weekend Update and I have to say, I think that the country is in a better place than when we started this season. I think. In September there were headlines like, “Will the president destroy democracy?” And now I’m seeing headlines like “Will this be the most turnt-ass summer ever?”

[Picture changes to Capitol riot]

And who can forget that time when the president tried to murder congress? Apparently, congress can, since the senate is likely to block a bipartisan investigation into the capitol riot. Thanks to opposition from Mitch McConnell seen here at the demolition at the children’s hospital.

Republicans just want to forget the riots ever happened and focus on the future of their party and future of their party is of course… [Picture changes to Matt Gaetz] Yikes! It was reported that federal authority’s investigating sex trafficking accusations against Matt Gaetz have secure the cooperation of his ex girlfriend. But not until after her prom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In the wake of the seize fire agreement between Israel and Hamas, insiders praise president Biden’s light touch when dealing with Benjamin Netanyahu. But in fairness, everything Biden does involves some kind of touch.

[Picture changes to Andrew Giuliani]

Andrew Giuliani who is the child of Rudy Giuliani and I’m going to say Gary Busey announced that he’s running for governor of New York and claimed he spent five decades in politics despite the fact he’s only 35 yers old. I didn’t know you can get a brain damage when your father drinks during the pregnancy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden driving a truck at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden test drove in all electric F-150 pickup truck at a plant in Michigan and you’re probably thinking, “Ha-ha, he’s old. I bet he drives slow.” Well, watch this.

[Cut to a video of a truck being driven fast]

[cut back to Colin Jost]

Jesus, Joe. I’m not going to lie, that made me think we were about to have our first female president. I mean the last time a guy his age drove that fast, he traveled into the future.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New York city at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, New York city lifted many of its restrictions with restaurants and salons able to return to Colin Jost00% capacity. While New York state– [cheers] Yeah, that’s great.  New York state nursing homes will remain at 900%. New York city gyms will also return to full capacity, though they still recommend social distancing from that old guy powdering his balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of North Korean flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that North Korea has banned it’s citizens from having mullets or wearing skinny jeans. And yet, another attempt to cancel Morgan Wallen.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of logos of tinder, okcupid and hinge logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House announced that several dating apps including tinder, okcupid and Hinge are launching a new feature that will let people show their vaccination status. But you can’t believe everything you see on a dating app. I mean, my tinder profile says I’m a white architect named Craig.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Mental Health and the COVID-19 Pandemic

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The CDC has announced that fully vaccinated Americans do not need to wear mask in most cases but many are still feeling anxiety and say they’re not ready to go fully mask-less yet. With more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Oh, hi buddy. Thank you, Colin. Thank you guys. Thank you. Please stop. Thank you very much. Okay. Well, you wouldn’t know this because your life’s perfect. But it’s mental health awareness month. [cheers and applause] Oh, no. It’s fine. And my therapist said it’s important to pack the self care which is why she stopped taking my calls. If there’s one good thing about the pandemic besides getting Chrissy Teigen out of our lives, it’s– I’m relieved. It’s that I was actually excited when I found out we had to wear masks because I figured this sounds really crappy but I figured less people would recognize me, but it didn’t work because everyone can still recognize me from my eyes. You see someone who looks like he just woke up and hasn’t slept in days, it’s me. I was already so anxious before the pandemic. My brain didn’t have room for something new to panic about. I can’t start being afraid public restrooms will give me covid when I was already afraid they would give me AIDS.

Colin Jost: You can’t get AIDS from a toilet.

Pete Davidson: Hey, AIDS is a lot like SNL. It’s still here, it’s just no one’s gotten excited about it since the 90s. Lorne actually wrote that.

Colin Jost: Yes.

Pete Davidson: It was his joke. The pandemic made me feel like I wasn’t alone. A lot of people became afraid to have food delivered which I was already scared of because I was sure the delivery guy would see my name on the receipt and impregnate my sandwich.

Colin Jost: Is that really something you’re afraid of?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yes. It used to be. That’s why I started ordering food under a new secret identity. I even got a new credit card with my new fake name.

Colin Jost: Yes. That’s actually my American Express card. It’s been missing for days.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I never felt safer. People love you, Colin. So much better than my Discover Plus.

Colin Jost: And do you have any advice for people who are afraid of returning to normal?

Pete Davidson: Yes. That if you’re vaccinated, it’s okay to relax. People aren’t getting the vaccine because they think it’s just Bill Gates trying to put microchip inside of you. But trust me, if he was that much of an evil genius, Linda would have signed a prenup.

Colin Jost: Someone really liked that. What would you say to all the people who don’t want to get vaccinated?

Pete Davidson: I think if you don’t want to get the shot, you don’t have to. We just need to make sure you don’t infect others. So, we should let all the anti-vax people live in one place and make their own weird laws and do whatever drugs they want, and alright, yeah, that’s Florida.

Colin Jost: Wouldn’t that be dangerous for all the retired people who live there?

Pete Davidson: Well, that’s the beauty part. Once the un-vaxed people are in Florida together, we airdrop a crate of oxycontin pills laced with the Pfizer vaccine on to a Jimmy Buffet concert. Problem solved.

Colin Jost: Not everyone in Florida does O-pills.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Well, we’ll also put it in the meth. The pandemic has taught me that we never really know what the future holds. And it’s also taught me to be grateful. And I’m very grateful to be here and it’s been an honor to grow up in front of you guys. So, thanks.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Weekend Update- Marilyn Manson Sued, Helen Keller Doll

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Marilyn Manson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A former personal assistant to Marilyn Manson has filed a law suit accusing him of sexual exploitation and psychological abuse. Wow. It’s always the guys you most expect.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Boom’ logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Startup airline Boom Supersonic is hoping to eventually fly passengers anywhere in the world in four hours or less for just $100. So, get ready to fly fast and cheap on the only airline named after the sound of an explosion.

[Picture changes to Barbie logo]

Mattel is releasing a Helen Keller doll barbie doll. Just remember not to let her drive the barbie corvette.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A conductor of a bullet train is facing disciplinary action after he left the controls to use the bathroom while the train was traveling at nearly 100 miles an hour. Brother, that chili was traveling at that same speed.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Scotland flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Residents of an apartment building in Scotland left a note in the elevator asking a resident who has extremely loud orgasm to be quieter. And it’s understandable because this is what a Scottish orgasm sounds like.

[Cut to a clip from a movie where a guy is yelling ‘Freedom’.]

Michael Che: That is so dumb. That is so dumb.

Colin Jost: That was so long.

Weekend Update- Jeanine Pirro on the Mexico–United States Border

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: And now, as a last special treat, here to give her parting thoughts tonight is judge Jeanine Pirro.

[Jeanine Pirro slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Judge Jeanine, I have not seen you in a while.

Jeanine Pirro: [spilling a little wine on Colin Jost every time she talks] Oh, I’m still here. My show on Fox is on every Saturday at nine, a full hour before the nursing homes turn off the TV in the lobby. But I did take some time off recently. I went down to the most luxurious place on earth, Mar-A-Lago. Oh, it’s like being on a cruise ship that’s permanently docked in the hottest part of Florida in between two classy strip clubs, you know, where the gals wear ball gowns. There’s an endless buffet of rubbery shrimp and the air smells like a bathroom stall that’s been freshly sprayed with poopouri.

Colin Jost: That sounds wonderful, but you really don’t have to be so loud.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, go ahead and judge me, Colin. But I’m proud to be a small town girl who grew up on an airport turmac.

Colin Jost: I’m assuming you’re not very happy with the job that president Biden is doing.

Jeanine Pirro: He’s a disaster! Have you seen the border? If Joe Biden had his way, we’d let everyone in from El Chapo to Del Taco.

Colin Jost: I’m not sure that’s true.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, I am. And now they want to put Kamala Harris in charge of the border. Sorry, Kama-lama-ding-dong. Not on my watch.

Colin Jost: That seems a little racist.

Jeanine Pirro: A little racist? Have you been listening to me? Colin, even as I watch our beautiful country get over run by a gang of MS-Colin Jost3 angriest Mexican lesbians, I’m still standing strong. Because I always did it my way. Hold that Colin. [passes the wine glass to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Sure.

[music playing]

Jeanine Pirro: [singing] Now, the end is near
and so I face the final curtain

Sorry, Colin.

[singing] Friends, I’ll say it clear, 

I made my case of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full

Bring in my other wine.

I traveled each and every highway.

[someone brings in a giant glass container full of wine with a giant straw]

And more, much more than this,
I did it my way

[Jeanine Pirro gets into the giant container of wine]

[Jeanine Pirro fills her empty glass, and swinging her hand to the music, throws the wine on Colin Jost.]

I did it my way
I did it my way

Colin Jost: Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Colin Jost and Michael Che Swap Jokes for Season 46 Finale

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is the last show of the season and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gift to each other will once again be jokes.

Michael Che: Yeah. So, we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: And the idea is to keep it fun, light. No one’s going to get canceled. No one’s family’s going to get threatened. Have fun.

Michael Che: Sure, we’ll see. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an obese monkey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An obese monkey in Thailand named Godzilla has been sent to a special facility to lose weight. Official realize that the monkey was overweight when a bunch of black guys kept hitting on it.

[Cut to Michael Che laughing hard. There’s a picture of a ‘strip club’ board at right top corner.]

Michael Che: That was pretty racist, Colin. Las Vegas is opening a Pop-up vaccine site at a strip club and don’t worry, the strippers say the vaccine is a lot like Michael Che, very quick and you can barely feel it go in.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. And a black Superman actually makes a lot of sense when you remember that Superman was abandoned by his parents as a baby. There’s more? Well, I knew you’d like that one, so here’s another one. Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. In this version, black Superman’s kryptonite honest day’s work.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of San Diego map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! Really doubling down on black Superman. San Diego police are being investigated after video surfaced of them using excessive force on a homeless black man accused of urinating in public. But I say, “Great work keeping out streets clean, boys.” Yes sir, anything the police do is all right ole Mikey Che. I know I’m probably the only black man brave enough to say this on live TV but blue lives matter even more.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hip Hop Museum logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Really nice of you. This week, construction began on a new Hip Hop museum in the Bronx. And I know that we had a lot of fun with me reading racist jokes that Michael writes for me, but because our country is divided enough, I’d like to use my platform to say something that everyone of all races can agree on. Woody Allen is innocent. He did nothing wrong. Before I go, I just thought of another punch line for that black Superman joke. Black Superman will be referred to as the Man of Steel, spelled S-T-E-A-L.

Star Quality

Burris Star… Kenan Thompson

Judith Hussle… Aidy Bryant

Raylonna Two… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Anya-Taylor Joy

[Starts with Burris Star singing intro for his show]

Burris Star: [singing] Stars are not made, they’re born
Stars are not made, they’re born
if you don’t have it, you ain’t gonna get it
you have to be born with what? 

Star Quality!

[cheers and applause]

Hello. Thank you. I am Burris Star and this is Star Quality. The show where young hopefuls have a chance to bust through the hymen of the entertainment industry. I can say that because I used to be a vaginacologist. No, I know what you’re thinking. “Don’t you mean gynecologist?” No, I do not. A gynecologist is medical. A vaginacologist is more of a historian. Let’s bring out our first entertainers.

[Judith Hussle and Raylonna Two walk in]

Judith Hussle: Hi, I’m Judigh Hussle.

Raylonna Two: And I’m Raylonna Two.

Judith Hussle: Today we are going to be performing a brief scene followed by an exhausting song.

Raylonna Two: This is about our mothers. They were not the same but they did share the same profession.

Burris Star: Yes. And who is this creepy doll?

[there’s a doll that they’ve brought with them]

Judith Hussle: It’s a vintage 28 inch doll.

Raylonna Two: This 28 inch vintage doll will be playing the part of our mother.

Burris Star: Well, Judith Hussle, Raylonna Two, show me you star quality.

[music playing]

Judith Hussle: Hush, mom. We know the truth. You’ve been lying to us. You say you’re doing double shifts at the factory.

Raylonna Two: Nobody wears a sparkle tops and goes panty-free under that jeans skirt to work at the nuclear plant.

Judith Hussle: [singing] Talking rooms and talking doorways
squeaking mattress, heels left on
crooked lipstick broken lashes
the wig falls off and then you’re done

Raylonna Two: Stranger kisses on your shirt type
naked trickers in the near
crumpled 20 on the night stand

you freak with males to get us food

Judith Hussle: Thank you, mama. You did what you had to to make everything work out for everyone involved.

Burris Star: Alright. Wow, you have done it. Thank you, ladies. We will let you know.

Judith Hussle: And how long with that take?

Burris Star: Um, do you know how long for never is?

Raylonna Two: Well, that’s unforeseeable.

Burris Star: Correct. Audience, this is why you should always have a plan B. For example, I can always fall back on vaginacology. Thank you, ladies. Alright, our next performers created a new music genre. It’s called fabo-rap. Welcome to the show, Hot Couture.

[Bowen and Anya walk in the stage]

Bowen: Thank you for letting us but a rap here today.

Anya: We’re excited to be the next big thing.

Bowen: And me, I’m on the same level as her.

Burris Star: Glad to hear it.

Anya: Burris, I hope you’re ready. We’re about to go to the third base with your mind.

Bowen: Which means we’re going to blow it.

Burris Star: Fine. Show us your star quality.

[music playing]

Bowen: [rapping] Darling, has the best come yet?

Anya: Darling, has the best come by?

Bowen: Darling, doest he best stop here?

Anya: Darling, I need the best

Bowen: Darling, I need it west

Anya: Darling, to the setting sun

Bowen: Darling, I have an interview

Anya: Darling, at finance basement

Bowen: Darling, does the bus stop there?

Anya: Darling, leave who alone?

Bowen: Darling, leave you alone?

Anya: Darling, thanks for your time

Bowen: Darling…

[music stops]

Burris Star: Thank you, Hot Couture. You did the thing we agreed you would do.

Bowen: Thank you for that.

Anya: We love compliments.

Bowen: So, what happens next?

Anya: How do we do this?

Burris Star: Well, you take 10 to 12 steps towards the door that says ‘Exit’. And then push.

Anya: Are our contracts through there?

Burris Star: No. That’s the parking lot.

Bowen: Is that where we wait for our record deal?

Burris Star: Yes.

Anya: For how long, Burris?

Burris Star: For never.

Bowen: Perfect.

Burris Star: Well, thank you for watching. We have to go now because air-time is expensive. I am Burris Star and this has been [singing] Star Quality.

Season 46 Finale Cold Open

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now, what I remember about this year.

[Cut to Aidy, Kate, Cecily and Kenan on SNL stage]

[cheers and applause]

[music playing]

Aidy: This year was crazy.

Kate: It was very crazy.

Cecily: It was so crazy, it made a lost of us crazy.

Kenan: Yeah, it was actually a pretty fun year for me. But I’ve discovered people don’t love hearing that. So, I’m just going to say, yeah, it was crazy.

Bown: We went from doing very weird shows at home to terrifying shows in person.

Ego: Everyone else was fleeing New York but Lorne was like, “We should go back for comedy.”

Heidi: Yeah, it was a perfect environment for laughs. This was what rehearsals looked like. [Cut to picture of cast members rehearsing with their masks on.]

Bowen: And this is what the writer’s room looked like.

[Cut to a picture of old military wearing smoke masks carrying guns.]

Kate: I remember there were so many covid precautions that if I wanted to hug anyone, I had to pull them into a closet and do it in the dark away from the authorities. That led to a lot of confusion.

Aidy: I remember hearing that if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds, then you don’t have covid. And I did that so much because I believe in science.

Cecily: Now, I remember the guy at work who gave us test results but he tried to do it funny. They’d be like, “[worrying voice] I have your results. You’re negative.”

Kate: Oh, that guy. We killed him, right?

Pete: I can’t believe I made an entire season without testing positive… for covid.

Chris: One time, I was getting swab stuck up my nose and I looked in my left and Adele was getting swab stuck up her nose and we locked eyes and I panicked and I said, “It’s 11? What the hell does that mean, fam?”

Chloe: I remember how we would bang pots and pants for doctors and nurses at seven o’clock every night.

Beck: And I remember how we slowly stopped doing that until there was just one guy doing it alone for two weeks.

Melissa: We went from, “I want New York to I hate that one guy.”

Kate: At the beginning, our audience was mostly first responders, doctors and nurses.

Aidy: Which sounds really nice But we quickly realize that a doctor who just left the ER after a 36 hour shift is maybe not the best audience for comedy?

Cecily: Yeah, like one time, and this is true, in the middle of our show, a guy in the audience was just reading a medical test. [Cut to a picture of a person reading at ext book during the show.]

Kenan: Yeah. That’s when we started inviting second responders which are random people who show up to the scene of an emergency and go, “Oh, damn. Look at that. That dude cracked his head open.”

Kate: They were fun.

Kenan: Yeah. And they brought their own alcohol too.

Andrew: And it was a tough year to be a first year cast man.

Punkie: Yeah. You couldn’t even be in a sam room with writers.

Lauren: And the cast was already so big.

Unknown person: Yeah, this is my first line the entire season.

Cecily: It was really hard year. But sometimes adversity only sharpens creativity. Let’s take a look at some of the highlights from this season.

[Cut to A clip of Elon Musk dancing as Wario in the Wario sketch.]

Wait, was that it?

Kyle: Look, these were unusual circumstances to do comedy under. Was every sketch perfect? Yeah, pretty much. We crushed it. Every sketch was a 10. No notes.

Alex: Hey, remember when Morgan Wallen got booked on the show?

Mikey: Then unbooked.

Alex: And then rebooked.

Mikey: Then canceled.

Beck: Remember when a fly landed on Mike Pence’s head and then we did a 15 minutes sketch about that?

Kenan: Yeah, and then I ended that sketch. I said, “Live from New York” as another fly who was a ghost of Herman Cain and that’s what the season has been like.

[cut to Chris Rock]

[cheers and applause]

Chris: I hosted the first episode of this season and that feels like six years ago. Here’s how messed up the world was when I hosted. I wanted Kanye West to be the musical guest. And he couldn’t do it because he was running for president. Remember that? Also the week I was here, the sitting president who said covid would disappear got covid. That was this season. That was this season. Then the election was over, Heat Miser loses, big moment for SNL. Clearly the right time to leave, to end of season. But no, these idiots did 12 more shows. Even Jim Carrey knew it was time to go home.

Pete: Yeah. But the main thing was that we were in it together. Everyone was there for each other no matter what.

Cecily: Sorry. Pete, is that a green screen?

Pete: No.

Cecily: Have you been doing the show from home this whole year?

Pete: Probably not.

Pete’s mom: Petey, your hot pockets are read.

Pete: I’ll be right there, Lorne.

Kenan: Mostly, we remember how lucky we were to have a job at at time when so many people were out of work. We remember that seeing even the tops of our friend’s faces was better than being alone in our apartments with our adopted pet children.

Aidy: We remember losing members of our SNL family, like our beloved music producer Hal Willner.

Kenan: And so many family members of our cast and crew who we thought of every time we had a show.

Kate: This was the year we realized we were more than just cast. We’re a family.

Aidy: And, like a true family, we are kind of sick of each other and we need a little break.

Kenan: So, we’ll see everybody, fingers crossed, in thanksgiving.

Cecily: Thank you for staying with us through and election, and insurrection and an objection that there was an insurrection.

Kate: And as someone who played Rudy Giuliani and experienced the year through his eyes, I can tell you, it was one wild ride, baby.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.