Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

It’s a Wonderful Trump Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 9

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne… Kate McKinnon

Donald Jr. Trump… Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Melania… Cecily Strong

Hernia… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Mike Pense… Beck Bennett

Brett Kavanaugh… Matt Damon

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a black and white video clip of bell ringing] [Cut to address board saying ‘You are in Washington, D.C.’][Cut to video clips of White House office]

Unknown speaker 1: And lord, please help Donald Trump. He’s not a good man, but he is in trouble.

Unknown speaker 2: Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help Mr. Trump tonight. He’s a nightmare, but he’s all I got.

Melania: Please send an angel to help my Donald tonight. Oh, and I would also like a Cartier watch, thank you.

[Cut to Donald Trump coming out to the balcony]

Donald Trump: Well, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I might actually eat a salad and explode.

[Clarence walks to Donald Trump]

Clarence: What seems to be trouble, Donald?

Donald Trump: Who are you? Stay back.

Clarence: Relax, I mean you no harm. My name is Clarence. And I was send here from heaven. I heard you are in trouble.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s awful. Everything is falling apart. Sometimes I wish I had never been president.

Clarence: A world where you were never president, hey? I think we can arrange that.

[Cut to intro of ‘It’s a Wonderful Trump’]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence walk into the room full of people]

Donald Trump: Wow! Everyone looks so different. What are those things on their faces?

Clarence: Those are called smiles.

[Sarah walks to Donald Trump]

Sarah: Hey, Mr. Trump, [Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump] I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Donald Trump: It’s President Trump, Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, that’s a good one! Seriously though, I just wanted to thank you for suggesting I go into PR. I’ve made so much money working for so many awesome companies like Facebook and Ashley Madison and The Romaine Lettuce Association. Merry Christmas Donald. [Sarah leaves]

Donald Trump: Wait, Sarah isn’t my press secretary?

Clarence: I told you, Donald. You don’t have a press secretary. Because you weren’t elected president.

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, my god, you look incredible! So healthy and vibrant.

Kellyanne: Actually that’s because I’m actually no longer eaten from within by lies. And after we lost the campaign, the devil did give me my soul back. So, excuse me, [Cut to Kellyanne] I have to go find my husband, who I do speak to now. [Kellyanne leaves]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wait, so Hillary is president?

Clarence: That’s right. In this reality, all she had to do to win was visit Wisconsin once.

Donald Trump: But, did they find her e-mails?

Clarence: They did. They were all bed, bath and beyond coupons.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric walks to Donald Trump]

Don Jr.: Hello, father.

Donald Trump: Oh, my sons, [Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence] my boys, Don Jr. and Eric. Eric is that a Rubik’s cube?

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: And finito, haha. That’s Italiano for finished.

[Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What the hell is happening with Eric?

Don Jr.: Well, since Eric does not run the entire Trump Organization, he was able to attend adult education classes.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: Merry Christmas, father. Or as they say in Spanish, Feliz Nasty-dad.

Don Jr.: You got a way to go buddy. [Don Jr. and Eric leave]

[Melania walks to Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, so nice to see you. How are you?

Donald Trump: Melania, what happened to your accent?

[Cut to Melania]

Melania: Oh, I lost it after we got divorced. They said being around you all the time was hurting my language skills.

[Cut to Melania and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you’re still smocking hot! Are you holding up okay?

Melania: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cut to Melania] I have a huge real estate empire now. I figured if Donald can do it, anyone can do it. And I’m happily remarried to Papa John.

[Hernia walks near Melania][Cut to Hernia, Melania, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: And who is this woman?

Melania: Oh, don’t you recognize her? She’s your new wife Hernia.

Clarence: Yeah, she was a suitcase girl in the Serbian version of “Deal or No Deal”.

[Cut to Hernia and Melania]

Hernia: It’s called “Potato or No Potato”. And I did this. [Gesturing as if she’s opening something and moving her lips as saying “potato”.]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Jackpot.

Clarence: I’ll say. I’m an angel. But I ain’t no angel. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Cohen walks to Donald Trump and hugs him]

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, Merry Christmas!

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, shouldn’t you be in jail after you flipped on me?

Michael Cohen: What? I would never, ever flip on you. [Cut to Michael Cohen] You’re my best friend. And since it’s Christmas, I just want to say, you taught me everything I know.

Donald Trump: Oh, come on, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: No, it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done is because [Cut to Michael Cohen] you directed me to do it. And I hope everyone knows it. We’re a team like O.J. and Kato, or Lyle and Erik Menendez.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, Merry Christmas, Michael.

Michael Cohen: And I’ll see you tomorrow at the grand opening of Trump Tower Moscow!

[Michael Cohen leaves]

[Music starts playing]

Donald Trump: Wait, what’s that music?

Clarence: Mike Pense is deejaying.

[Cut to Mike Pense deejaying]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Mike, is that what you’re doing now?

[Cut to Mike Pense]

Mike Pense: Oh, hell yeah, dog. It’s so great to be myself. Thank god I was never your vice president. I would just be sitting in meetings with you and Pelosi and Schumer just staring out in space imagining this. [Mike Pense starts dancing]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow. So everyone is better off without me being president.

Clarence: Well, not just them. You’re better off too.

[Cut to a doctor standing beside Donald Trump]

Doctor: Oh, my god, Donald. Your hair, it worked!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What is she talking about?

Clarence: Well, this is a Muslim immigrant from Syria. She was allowed to come to America. And she discovered a permanent solution for hair loss.

Donald Trump: My god, it’s all real. If there’s no Muslim ban, what about a potential terrorist attack?

Clarence: Well, it was foiled by a team of transgender NAVY S.E.A.L.S.

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh walking in]

Brett Kavanaugh: All right, when is the party getting started? Whew!

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Brett Kavanaugh, how is the supreme court?

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh]

Brett Kavanaugh: Me on the supreme court? With my temperament, are you insane? No, they went with that nerd Merrick Garland. But on the plus side when I tell people I like beer, they find it charming and not like I’m threatening violence. Plus, I have so much more time now to hang out with P.J. and Squee and Needle Dick Nick and no means yes Nate. [Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence] Hey, I brought a little present for you. It’s a calendar. And every day is a different beer.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Brett.

Brett Kavanaugh: Merry Christmas, everyone. Let’s do this! [Brett Kavanaugh leaves]

Donald Trump: But Clarence, what about my agenda, all of the things I wanted to accomplish as president?

Clarence: Well, that’s the best part about not being president. You can still say the same stuff, build a wall, bring back coal. But you don’t have to deal with the fact that all of your ideas are impractical or insane. So Americans love you.

Donald Trump: Wow, this is all so great. It’s like Robert Mueller doesn’t exist.

[Cut to Robert Mueller walking in]

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Robert Mueller: Oh, really? Hello, Mr. Trump. I have waited for this moment for a long time.

Donald Trump: Mr. Mueller, I’ve been meaning to come and talk to you, but, golf.

Robert Mueller: I have something for you.

Donald Trump: Is it a subpoena or your final report?

Robert Mueller: No, report? [Cut to Robert Mueller] No, no. No, it’s a picture of my grandson. I’ve been spending so much more time with him since I don’t have to investigate some idiot for treason.

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, it sounds like you know I used to be president.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I know everything. Everything!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow, this night has put everything into perspective. I have had an epiphany. I guess the world does need me to be president after all.

Clarence: Yeah, that was not the lesson at all.

Donald Trump: I want to be president again! I want to be president again!

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Listen, Donald, every time a bell rings, [The video changes to color video with everyone in the scene] someone you know quits or goes to jail.

Donald Trump: So I am president again! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Clarence: No, not the lesson!

Donald Trump: So Merry Christmas, everyone! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

New HBO Shows | Season 44 Episode 17

Jon Snow… Kit Harington

Ygritte (White Walker)… Heidi Gardner

Sam… Kyle Mooney

Gilly… Cecily Strong

Tormund Giantsbane… Mikey Day

Hodor… Beck Bennett

[Starts with game of thrones intro]

Narrator: Game Of Thrones, the final season. [Cut to different movie clips from Game of Throne series] Only six episodes remain until we say goodbye to HBO’s thrilling saga. But the journey continues with prequels, sequels and spinoffs. [Cut to trailer of Castle Black] Like “Castle Black”, a sexy moody drama about forbidden love.

[Cut to Jon Snow drinking wine]

Ygritte: Hey. [Ygritte as a white walker comes in]

Jon Snow: You came.

[Cut to Ygritte]

Ygritte: Yeah. And you promised that when winter came you would tell your friends about me, about us. Well, winter is here, Jon.

[Cut to Jon Snow]

Jon Snow: It’s not that simple. You’re dead.

[Cut to Ygritte]

Ygritte: You were dead too.

[Cut to Jon Snow. He stands up emotionally.]

Jon Snow: That was different and you know it. [Ygritte starts opening her clothes] What are you doing? Stop. Stop that.

Ygritte: This is what you want, isn’t it? Come take it. [Ygritte is only skeleton inside her clothes] [Laughter]

Narrator: And check out everyone’s favorite [Cut to video clip of Arya Stark from Game of Thrones] assassin in cartoon form. [Cut to video clip of Arya in cartoon form] It’s Arya.

[Cut to cartoon. A boy is talking to Arya in the hallway of school.]

Cartoon Boy: Hey, Arya, are you going to dance with the faceless man? [Arya stabs the boy’s neck with her needle sword and kills him.]

[Cut to Arya]

Cartoon Arya: A girl is going with her friends.

[Cut to promotion video clips of The Queen of King’s Landing]

Narrator: And if you’re looking for laughs, you’ll love Sam and Gilly in “The Queen of King’s Landing”.

[Cut to Sam in the kitchen. Gilly walks inside later with her baby]

Gilly: Sam, what happened to the kitchen? [Cut to Gilly] Were we attacked by the free folk?

[Cut to Sam]

Sam: Even worse. I tried to make dinner.

[Cut to Sam and Gilly]

[Cut to different promotional video clips]

Narrator: Plus it’s going to be a game of crossovers with shows like [A picture of Cersei appears] Cersei and the City, [Cut to pictures of Grey Worm, Lord Verys, Theon Greyjoy] No ballers, [Cut to pictures of Mellisandre] The Marvelous Mrs. Mellisandre, and [Cut to dragons breathing fire] Dragons aren’t the only ones spitting fire on. [Cut to intro of Wildling Out] Wildling Out.

[Cut to rap battle between Wildlings]

Tormund Giantsbane: This white bitch know he can’t stop me. Yo, why y’all got me out here battling bootleg king Joffrey?

[Cut to promotion video clips of HBO KIDS shows]

Narrator: And over on HBO kids, we got family friendly shows like Dire Guys and Hodor’s house.

[Cut to Hodor is holding the door from the inside]

Hodor: Hodor! [Hodor leaves the door and smiles] [Cut to flowers laughing at Hodor]

[Cut to promotion video clips of Game of Thrones Special Victims Unit]

Narrator: And franchises collide in our new procedural, “GOT SVU”.

[Cut to detectives in a crime scene wearing similar clothes to the Game of Thrones]

Male Detective: You tell me some sick son of a bitch cuts his thing off.

Female detective: Yes.

Male Detective: Then fed it to his dog?

Female detective: Seems so.

Male Detective: Then gauze the man’s eyes out.

Female detective: Yeah.

Male Detective: Then fed in his own eyes?

Female detective: Bingo

[Cut to detectives and a human corpse]

Male Detective: then wore his dead skin to an orgy.

Female detective: Ding ding.

Male Detective: Then got busy in the holes where his eyes used to be?

Female detective: Circle gets the square.

[Cut to outro of Game of thrones]

Narrator: Game of thrones. We’re going full “Star Wars” on this.

Mueller Report Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 16

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

President Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with written video clip of the narrator]

Narrator: And now, Robert Mueller finishes his report, William Barr summarizes the report, and Donald Trump tweets his reaction to the summary.

[Cut to Robert Mueller on his desk reading his report]

Robert Mueller: Dear Attorney General Barr, officials from the Justice Department and esteemed members of Congress.

[Cut to William Barr summarizing the report]

William Barr: Hey, guys, William Barr here. You might want to sit down for this one.

[Cut to President Trump tweeting on his mobile phone in his office]

President Trump: Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Daddy is about to freak.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I am submitting these 380 pages—

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: I am writing almost four pages.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: I am reading zero pages. But Sean Hannity has read it and he was so excited that he texted me an eggplant.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: On the charge of obstruction of justice, we have not drawn a definitive conclusion.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But I have. And my conclusion is Trump’s clean as a whistle.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Free at last, free at last!

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: As for conspiracy or collusion, there were several questionable incidents involving the president’s team but we cannot prove a criminal connection.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: No collusion, no diggedy, no bad.

[Cut to President Trump blowing celebration horn]

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: However, we have indicted 34 individuals in connection with this probe.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of them very good people.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: The pardons are already in the mail.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I’ve included hundreds of pages of evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of it provided on live television by the president himself.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Russia, if you’re watching, go to bed. Daddy won.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: And I should remind everyone there’s still several ongoing investigations.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: One or two tiny investigations.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: And they’re investigations into democrats, TV shows that have been mean to me ad Puerto Rico. That’s right, I want my paper towels back, amigos.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Somebody with the Trump team might have met with Russians at some point.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Somebody distantly associated with Trump might have done something weird.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: ♪Somebody wants told me the world was go to roll me I am the sharpest tool in the shed. ♪

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: In conclusion it is my hope this report will be made public with a few [Cut to William Barr]

redaction.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Hello, redactions!

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: We’re going to block out everything except the words no and collusion.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Overall there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But no concrete evidence.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: If you shoot at the devil, you best not miss.

[[Rudy Giuliani comes up and joins President Trump]

Rudy Giuliani: Did somebody say devil?

President Trump: Rudy, can you believe it, we got off Scott free.

Rudy Giuliani: I know, I know. I guess I was a legal genius the whole time. And all of my mid games worked. If you want to know what my mind games were, you have to ask the family of goblins who lives in my head and opens my eyes.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: After two long years out investigation with Russia interference in the election is finally over.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Y’all can turn off your Huff-Po Amber alerts. It’s time for the country to heal and most past this.

[Cut to President Trump and Rudi Giuliani]

President Trump: This is the only thing I will talk about for the next four years. Vengeance will be mine.

Rudy Giuliani: And I will take the firstborn child of every democrat unless they can guess that my name is Rumple Stiltson.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Sincerely, Robert S. Mueller.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Your’s truly, the guy who’s been here a month, William Barr.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Sincerely, president invincible #tenmoreyears, #fdrbutwithlegs.

[Cut to Rudi Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Yours in eternal darkness, Rudy Giuliani. I was booed at a Yankee’s game.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: P.S. can’t wait to see what the southern district of New York has in store for Trump.

[Everyone joins Robert Mueller]

President Trump: What now?

Everyone: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Soccer Broadcast | Season 44 Episode 15

Peter Toppman… Mikey Day

Jeremy Feathers… Alex Moffat

David Kooseman… Idris Elba

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Rose… Melissa Villaseñor

Will Hutchins… Beck Bennett

[Starts with intro of Premier League Football by Sky Sports]

Narrator: Sky Sports presents Premier League Football. Manchester United and Arsenal.

[Cut to Peter Toppam and Jeremy Feathers in their program set]

Peter Toppam: Welcome to our prematch coverage. Peter Toppam announcing today alongside Jeremy Feathers here at Emirates stadium.

Jeremy Feathers: And a special guest joins us in the booth. He’d normally be on the pitch for Arsenal. But a nasty ligament tear last week put him on the injured list. So, he’s trying his hand at announcing.

Peter Toppam: Hand. Yellow card.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, you snitch.

Peter Toppam: Making his broadcast debut, arsenal defender, [Cut to David Kooseman] David ‘the bruiser’ Kooseman.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: All right. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, as you are a man of few words. Fans have rather cheekily nicknamed you Dumb David.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: Now, I think you might be a secret intellectual.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Nah.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Alright. Tell us David, how’s the leg?

David Kooseman: Which one?

Jeremy Feathers: Well, the leg you injured David, how is it?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It’s injured, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Yes. Any idea when we can expect you back on the field again?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah. When my leg’s better.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, we wish you a speedy recovery. In the meantime you’re here with us. Feels a bit different in a suit and tie on, rather than your kit. How does it feel?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It feels a bit gay.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right, don’t say that David.

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, well, Arsenal’s defense has been playing catch up and we saw a good example of that last week against Tottenham. [Cut to video clip of the match] Harry Kane on the attack [The video clip pauses] and look at Arsenal’s defenders. [Circling two defenders] One behind the play, one trying to get in front of it. David, anything to add?

David Kooseman: Yeah. [David adds to drawing of two circles into a penis]

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Come on. David, come on.

Peter Toppam: You’re a grown man, David. Well, lots of supporters in the stadium today including [Cut to Anna in the audience] Arsenal star Roy Milleroon’s wife, Anna.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, there she is now, ready to cheer on her husband.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: That’s gross David. That’s your team mate’s wife.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: He smashes all the girls on the road. He can’t be mad if I nob his wife.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Don’t say that, David. Okay. Anna, of course, [Cut to Anna and Rose] joined today in the stands by her mum Rose.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that too.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right. Wish you had not said that. Because next to Rose [Cut to Rose and Alicia] is your wife David, Alicia.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: She’s a good bird, faithful.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right, yes. Well, now our player to watch this week is Arsenal striker [Cut to player screen with Will Hutchins] Will Hutchins coming off three straight matches of Stellar Play. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, David what are your thoughts on your teammate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, he’s got a good knob for a white guy. I’ll tell you.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Don’t say that.

Jeremy Feathers: It’s inappropriate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I saw it in the shower. Massive. Good for him man.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Well, Arsenal has the working out for them today. Man United of course. Quite a tough squad to beat.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Yes. David, let’s say you’re the coach of the Arsenal. What do you say to the boys before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, yeah, I’m not the coach, though, am I?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Right, but pretend you are, what do you say to the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry, lads, the coach is dead, and I’m the coach now.”

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Don’t worry about justifying why you David are the coach. You just are. Let’s try this. I’m an arsenal player. Give me a prematch pep talk.

David Kooseman: You couldn’t play, [Cut to David] you’re too small, look at you.

Peter Toppam: All right, [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] let’s say I am on the team. What would you say to me before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry mate, I have to trade you, because you’re to small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Forget me, let’s say it’s Jared.

Jeremy Feathers: Yeah, I’m on the team. Now, what do you tell me before kick off?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say, “Sorry I had to trade your mate because he’s too small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, let’s just scrap the coach scenario.

Peter Toppam: You’re no longer the coach, you’re David, what strategy do you give the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, now, that’s the coach’s job, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, David, we’re thrilled you’ll be joining us here for the next 10 games.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, yes, and coming up [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] the Pizza Express Look Around the League.

David Kooseman: I think pizza express tastes like an old man’s diaper.

Peter Toppam: All right. That’s the worst one yet David.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, David. No. Stay with us.

John Mulaney Auditioned for SNL 44 Times | Season 44 Episode 14

John Mulaney

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clip of John Mulaney speaking]

John Mulaney: A lot of people know that I was a writer here at Saturday Night Live. What people may not know is I actually auditioned to be on the show a couple of times. It was 44 times.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 2004]

Hi, John Mulaney. Six foot zero. 165 pounds in the morning!

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in1986]

Hi, John Mulaney. Six foot zero. 165 pounds in the[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1975] morning! [John Mulaney makes funny face] This is my first and I assume my only audition for Saturday Night Live is it called? Very nice.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in1986]

This is my take on the breakfast club. It’s called the brunch club. Why do we have detention? I’ll take the French toast.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: I tried to help him a couple of times with his audition but he got very defensive.

[Cut to John Mulane]

John Mulaney: How can you help me with my audition when you don’t even get what it is I am doing? Do you see my problem?

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in1975]

I do impressions but I don’t try to do the voice. I’m Richard Nixon. I’m the president. I sold out and I’m a crook.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: He never seems to age. I mean, is he like a fresh 31 or stay old 76?

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 2004]

John Mulaney: This is John Travolta in Lord of the Rings. [Impression] ‘Ey, my precious.’

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1986]

This is Alex Trebek if he was speed dating– oh, this is Tom’s mustache. One second.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1975]

Barbra Streisand doing jogs. “One-naa, one-naa, one-na-na-na”.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Oh yes, one character guy who doesn’t want to get a divorce.

John Mulaney: [Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1975]

I don’t want to get divorce.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1986]

Think about the kids.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 2004]

I don’t want to get a divorce. It hasn’t changed.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: The guy who wants to get a divorce–

[John Mulaney comes in]

John Mulaney: The guy who doesn’t want to get a divorced.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up man?

John Mulaney: Nothing man. Good to see you.

Kenan Thompson: You too.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: I remember one time Lauren pulled me aside. He said, “We don’t need whatever it is you are.”

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1986]

I’m sick of bar-tending here at Cheers. Some days I just want to stop.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 2004]

Because you are the weakest ling. Good bye. I would love to be on the show.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

I think if I play my cards right and host well for a second time, I’m going to get another audition.

Family Feud: Oscar Nominees | Season 44 Episode 13

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Spike Lee… Don Cheadle

Glenn Close… Kate McKinnon

Sam Elliot… Beck Bennett

Olivia Colman… Cecily Strong

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

Bradley Cooper… Kyle Mooney

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Mahershala Ali…Chris Redd

[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro with celebrities in the program set.]

Narrator: It’s time to play Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve walks in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Now, welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. I never won an Oscar. I do got an EGOT, as in he got a lot of buttons on this jacket. All our contestants today is up for Oscars. We got film veterans [Cut to team Veterams, who are Spike lee, Glenn Close, Sam Eliott and Olivia Colman] versus movie newbies [Cut to team Newbies, who are Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper, Rami Malek and Mahershala Ali].

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

All right. We were gonna do a team of all black woman nominees, but Regina King is on vacation. On the veteran side, he’s nominated for director of “BlacKkKlansman”, Mr. Spike Lee.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Brooklyn in the house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You think you’re going to win, Spike?

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Come on, Steve, I bought season tickets to the New York Knicks every year for the past 25 years. You think I like winning?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh snap. You funny. You like a little Black Leprechaun. All right, next from “The Wife” is Glenn Close.

[Cut to Blenn Close]

Glenn Close: Don’t you touch me. You come here week after week with your lies and cheap suits. Pitting family against family. Well, guess what, Steve. I’m tired of feuding. I’m tired. I’m kidding. I’m very well. Thank you.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That was weird. I think you trying to get an Oscar for best performance on a game show. All right. Next, he is nominated for “A Star is Born”, Mr. Sam Elliott.

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Real nice to be here Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, what you going do if you win that Oscar Sam?

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Well, I’ll probably sell it and get my necks fixed. Damn thing won’t stand up right.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you like a barbecue sauce commercial came to life. And from the movie “The Favor You Like” is some lady named Olivia Coleman.

[Cut to Olivia Coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Hi, actually “The Favorite”. It’s British. I’m Olivia. A very celebrated English actress. Played two queens– I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed at the moment. I’ve been celebrating my two Golden Globes. None of you know who the hell I am. I can do or say whatever I want. So I really love it. Oh, whee!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you are cheeky little crumpet. All right. Let’s go to the newbie side. She’s a singer nominated for best actress and she was named by a baby. It’s Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you. It is such an honor to be on the feud. If 99 people are surveyed, you just need one person to believe in you to win the game.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, I don’t think that’s how it works.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: It works if you dream it. [Starts singing]

[Bradley Cooper joins Lady Gaga]

Bradley Cooper: Isn’t she great?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bradley Cooper. What you doing on the newbie side?

[Cut to Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: He has to be with me. It’s a rule.

Bradley Cooper: I saw this woman at the Superbowl halftime show and had this wild idea. I thought, maybe she could play a singer.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you thinking outside the box. All right. Next, he’s nominated for “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Mr. Rami Malek. [Cut to Rami Malek. Rami has no expression.] Congratulations, Rami.

Rami Malek: Thanks. I’m so surprised.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, you look surprised, player. Your eyeballs look like they ‘bout to make a run for it. And finally, he’s nominated for the ‘Green Book’, it’s Mahershala Ali.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: Wonderful to be here.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, I got a question about the last scene in your movie where the white guy teaches the black guy how to eat fried chicken.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: That wasn’t the last scene Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: It was for me. Let’s get two players up here. Let’s go.

[Lady Gaga and Spike Lee walks to the buzzer to start the game]

Lady Gaga: Spike, I adore your films. I’d love to be in one sometime.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Oh, that’s so nice. No.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed. Top six answers on the board. Everybody gotta look their best for the Oscars. Name something you do when you want to look sexy. [Lady Gaga hits the buzzer first] [Beeping] Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: I feel sexy when I’m on stage and I make the face of a lion that’s about to pounce. Like this.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Hmm, okay. Show me stroke face. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Not up there. Spike, you gotta answer.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: If I want to do sexy, I put on a romantic movie.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Oh, that’s nice. Like what?

Spike Lee: “Roots”.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me getting freaky to the wrong stuff. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing]Oh, it’s up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Number three answer. All right. Y’all got the board. [Cut to team Steve Harvey and team Veterans] Okay, Glen Close, something you do when you want to feel sexy.

Glenn Close: Don’t touch me. [Cut to Glenn Close] You want to know what’s sexy? A woman in her prime. A woman who has stories written in the lines of her face. You look right passed me. Don’t you? Well, one day you’re gonna look up and I will be long gone. I’m just kidding. Lingerie, maybe?

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay, show me queuing up the scenery. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not there. I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] Sam Elliott, something you do to feel sexy.

Sam Elliott: Well, [Cut to Sam Elliott] I can’t really say. Maybe I’ll put on a clean barn jacket and comb mustache.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: You know, I never thought that I would be intrigued by another man mustache, but that thing is a specimen. I’ll admit it. I have mustache envy. Show me bringing the white heat. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] All right. That’s two strikes. Let’s be a little careful. One more, the other team gets a chance to steal. Let’s go Olivia. Something that you do to feel sexy.

[Cut to Olivia coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Well, I am English. I suppose what’s sexy to us is a good cup of tea, flirty but polite answer and a couple of fingers in the bum. I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me Mary Poppins stopping that nonsense. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, not there either. All right. Oscar newbies, [Cut to Stever Harvey and team Oscar Newbies] you got a chance to steal. Give me some answers.

Mahershala Ali: Be real.

Bradley Cooper: Be Bradley Cooper?

Steve Harvey: All right, Gaga. You’re the team leader. [Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga] What do you do to feel sexy?

Lady Gaga: You know, it’s weird Steve. [Cut to Lady Gaga] I didn’t truly feel sexy until I started making music, then suddenly, I was selling records and dating all the time. I was like some miracle happened, I don’t know.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga]

Steve Harvey: Well, I think I do. Show me, she got rich. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing] Number one answer. [Cut to Steve Harvey] All right. Yeah, turn me into a sex symbol too. Let’s take a break. I gotta find me some extra security because I think Monique’s waiting for me in the parking lot. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update: Melissa Villaseñor’s Grammy Awards Picks | Season 44 Episode 12

Colin Jost,

Malissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night is the 61st Annual Grammy Awards, here to talk about who she thinks should win is our very own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Cut to Malissa Villaseñor coming in dressed as Lady Gaga]

Malissa Villaseñor: Yeah, thank you, Colin.

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

You know, everyone has been on the edge of their seats waiting to hear my Grammy picks. Here we go.

Colin Jost: Okay, wait – hold on one second. Melissa, are dressed up as Lady Gaga?

Malissa Villaseñor: What? No, I just wore this for all my Melissa Monsters out there.

Colin Jost: All right. Sure, so let’s get started with the Grammy picks. Who is your choice for song of the year?

[Cut to Malissa]

Malissa Villaseñor: Oh, my god. I just heard this song for the first time this morning. It’s called “Shallow”. Have you heard it?

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: The Lady Gaga song? Yeah, I’ve heard it.

Malissa Villaseñor: That’s Gaga? Wow. So you have heard it.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean pretty much everyone has heard it basically everyday for the past three months, yeah.

Malissa Villaseñor: Well, in case you haven’t heard it –-

Colin Jost: We have.

Malissa Villaseñor: It goes a little something like this –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Tell me something girl, are you happy in this modern world♪

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. Yes, great. I know you’ve been trying to get your Lady Gaga impression on the show for a while now.

Malissa Villaseñor: How dare you. I’m not doing an impression. I am Melissa. And this is my famous Grammy preview.

Colin Jost: Okay, because you’re wearing a Lady Gaga wig.

Malissa Villaseñor: This isn’t a wig. I was born this way.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Is just makes it seem like you’re a little obsessed with Lady Gaga.

Malissa Villaseñor: So what Colin? When I heard this song for the first time this morning, I felt like I was –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Falling in all the good times I find myself
longing for change and in the bad times I fear myself♪

[Kyle Mooney comes in and sing’s Bradley Cooper’s part]

♪In the Shall la-la-la low
In the Shall la-la-la low♪

[Kyle Mooney leaves]

Colin Jost: Wait! That was Kyle’s whole part? That was it?

Malissa Villaseñor: Yes.

Colin Jost: This is great, but I don’t know we could afford the rights to perform “Shallow” on the show. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

Malissa Villaseñor: Hey.

♪Tell me something boy, aren’t you tired trying to fill that void.
[cut to Malissa and Colin]
or do you need more, ain’t it so hard keeping it so hardcore♪

Colin Jost: Well, sometimes yes.

Malissa Villaseñor: [Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪oh oh oh, whoa whoa whoa whoa
I’m off the deep end watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground♪

[Cut to Malissa and Colin]

Malissa Villaseñor: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone!

Tucker Carlson Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 11

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Roger Stone… Steve Martin

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight intro]

[Cut to Tucker Carson in his news set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening, everyone. I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like if those shorts with the little whales on them came to life. Our top story tonight, president Trump’s heroic end to the shutdown. It took him 35 days, but he was finally able to get no wall. Meanwhile, as the democrats stall, the crisis at our border rages on. Here with her take is the host of justice with Judge Jeanine. Jeanine Pirro. Jeanine, how are you?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: A lot.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Jeanine, I’m going to smugly ask a question I already know the answer to. Warning towards viewers, my voice will get very high.

[Cut to Tucker Carson]

These democrats, do they want MS-13 invading their towns and tying up their hands and feet with duct tape?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Sadly, the answer to that question is ‘Si Senor’. At this point Ms-13 is getting so brazen they’re promoting their own holiday in America. It’s called [Cut to ad banner of the holiday] ‘Sicario Day of the Soldado’.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Wow. What is the president’s next step, Jeanine? And to show I’m really paying attention to you, I’m going to put my listening face. I call it dog looking in a mirror.

[Tucker Carson starts to stare at the camera like a dog]

Jeanine Pirro: Well, tucker, we have to take a Marie Kondo approach to cleaning up this country. If something doesn’t spark joy, throw it out. You know what doesn’t spark joy in me? Guatemalans.

Tucker Carlson: Terrific, let me ask you this, weren’t the furloughed government workers happy to go without pay because they believe in the president and the wall?

Jeanine Pirro: Definitely not, but absolutely yes. I spoke with dozens of TSA workers, and they said they were so honored to work for free. And then they did the universal gesture for jerking off. That’s how excited they were.

Tucker Carlson: Jeanine, you’re the best.

Jeanine Pirro: [Yelling] I know.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Of course, democrats are using the shutdown to portray the Trump administration as out of touch with every day Americans. But that’s simply ridiculous. Here to comment is Secretary of Commerce and Man of the People, Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross.]

Wilbur Ross: Where do I look? Do I look into the spaceship?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Wilbur, earlier this week, you said that you didn’t understand why furloughed government workers needed food assistance, because they could just take ‘low-interest loans instead’?
Wilbur Ross: Right, well, that was silly of me. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] I simply meant that there are other ways of getting money. They could have liquidated some of their stocks, or sold one of their paintings. Even if they sold a lesser Picasso, it’s still going to get you through a week or two of yacht maintenance.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: I still think that comes across as insensitive to people living paycheck to paycheck.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. All I meant was, that we all have to make sacrifices in times of hardship. For example, instead of going out to dinner, you could open a restaurant in your house. For a period of time, you could have your horses attend public school. The small things add up.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: You don’t think the Trump administration is out of step with the American people?

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. Look, maybe I do sleep in one of the cocoons from the movie “Cocoon”. That doesn’t mean I live in a bubble. I live in a cocoon.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: My thanks to Secretary Ross. Our final story this week, of course, is the dramatic, some would say ludicrous arrest of long time Trump associate Roger Stone. The man is 66 years old, frail, barely able to post shirtless photos of his jacked body. Clearly no threat to anyone. Yet this is how the FBI raided his home.

[Cut to video clips of FBI raiding from action movie Captain America- Civil War.]

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Oh, my god, just horrifying. Here with his side of the story is a man you look at and instantly think, I trust this guy. Please welcome Roger Stone.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Roger Stone: What a fun couple of days. I’m loving the ride, go Nixon.

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone. You had a harrowing past 36 hours, your home was raided, you were arrested and charged with seven felony accounts. Including lying to congress.

Roger Stone: That was four counts.

Tucker Carlson: The indictment says seven.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Okay, I’m lying. Honestly, I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I mean, seven felonies, one, two – I can’t even count that high. How cool is that?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone, what I think you’re really trying to say is that you’re feeble old man right?

Roger Stone: Yeah, right, the pity thing. I’m a poor helpless old man, I’m 66. I’m almost so old as sting.

Tucker Carlson: And that’s why it was so awful the way the police raided your home.

Roger Stone: Exactly. The whole experience was so harrowing. [Cut to Roger Stone] And afterwards I could only manage one radio interview. And a speech from the steps of the courthouse and two appearances on television. It’s horrible.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: And you – and haven’t these ridiculous accusations made you poverty stricken as well?

Roger Stone: Oh, yeah, that’s right. I’m broke from my legal battles and now no one will buy my books.

Tucker Carlson: Why will no one buy your books?

Roger Stone: Because they’re bad.

Tucker Carlson: Just tell people how they can donate money to help you.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: I’ve set up a donation page based on phrase people have been yelling at me called “hey, roger, go fund yourself”.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Thank you for your time Mr. Stone.

Roger Stone: Pardon me?

Tucker Carlson: I said, thank you.

Roger Stone: Oh, no. That wasn’t a question, I was saying that to the president. Pardon me.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Well, I’m sure he appreciates your loyalty and your eccentricities.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Hey, I’m just a normal and straight forward guy. And live from New York. It’s Saturday Night.

Leave Me Alurn | Season 44 Episode 10

Rachel Brosnahan

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

[Starting with a woman walking alone on the hills with a backpack.]

Narrator: Travelling solo, it’s my favorite. I love exploring with no one to please but myself.

[Cut to beautiful scenery of jungle, river and hills.]

Narrator: But when you’re a woman, [Cut to Rachel enjoying the view.] there is one very real danger. [Cut to Beck walks to Rachel.] Unwanted small talk.

Beck: This view, right? Reminds me of the episode of twin peaks where the girl gets murdered. Are you seeing anyone?

[Cut to Rachel speechless.]

[Cut to Kate enjoying her yoga at the park.]

Narrator: And having headphones in isn’t always enough [Cut to Kate meditating with her earpods on. Kenan walks to Kate.] to keep men I don’t know from talking to me.

Kenan: Om. That’s you. Om. You heard of Buddhists?

[Cut to Rachel sitting on the rocks with her backpack beside her.]

Rachel: That’s why wherever I go, [Taking her urn out of the bag] I always pack this.

[Cut to decorated urn with shoes, binoculars, shoes, maps, etc.]

Narrator: Introducing ‘Leave Me Alurn.’ ‘Leave Me Alurn’ is a portable urn of women travelers [Cut to different video clips of women traveling alone.] to make men think you are about to scatter your dad or grandpa’s ashes in a meaningful place. So they back the hell up off.

[Cut to Rachel, she takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out.]

Rachel: This was his favorite spot. [Cut to Beck wondering what she is saying] It’s what he would have wanted.

Beck: Oh, okay. I didn’t realize. I’m going to let you – I didn’t know – sorry. [Beck leaves Rachel alone]

[Cut to Rachel holding ‘Leave Me Alurn’ close, smiling]

Rachel: Confrontation avoided. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to Kate being annoyed by Kenan]

Narrator: You only take one vacation every seven years. Go ahead. Give them the urn.

[Kate takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out of her bag.]

Kate: He always wanted to see the ocean. [Cut to Kenan shocked] Better late than never, I guess.

Kenan: I’m sorry. That’s a– I’m interrupting a little funeral. Forgive it. [Kenan leaves in shock]

[Cut to Kate smiles]

Kate: He’s gone and I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to video clip of human cartoons.]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’, it’s a conversation prophylactic that gives the impression that ashes could blow up to 50 feet away and that’s how far men will stay from you. And it’s not just a fake urn, [Cut to Rachel. She pulls up a wire from the bottle of the urn.] it’s also a portable phone charger. And it’s even a stainless steel water bottle. [Cut to Kate drinking water from the urn. Kenan sees her drinking water from it and gets disgusted.]

[Cut to Melissa walking inside a bar and getting a drink]

‘Leave Me Alurn’ also works great back home for those little ‘just because I look friendly doesn’t mean I am friendly’ moments with boy strangers.

[Cut to Alex walks to Melissa at the bar.]

Alex: Is this seat taken?

Melissa: It was. Brought him back one last round.

[Cut to Alex getting disgusted]

Alex: Never mind.

[Cut to Alex] Can I buy you ladies a – [Cut to all ladies showing a ‘Leave Me Alurn’]

Oh, come on! [Alex leaves]

[Cut to video clip of ‘Leave Me Alurns’]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’ travel urn, for her. Kills small talk dead. Call now and you will also get [Lowe Back Spikes is shown in the screen] lower back spikes.

Because there is never a reason to touch a woman’s lower back when walking past her. Like never.

Pete: Excuse me! [Walks behind a woman] Ow! My hand!

Best Christmas Ever | Season 44 Episode 9

Wife… Cecily Strong

Husband… Matt Damon

Wife’s family members… Aidy Bryant, Beck Bennett, Mikey Day

[Starts the video with decorated Christmas tree][Cut to other Christmas decorations][Cut to the title of the video ‘Best Christmas Ever’][Cut to fireplace in the house][Cut to husband sitting on a couch at night. His wife joins him and sits beside him]

Wife: Okay, kids are finally asleep. All right, what is there left to do? Dishes?

Husband: Already done.

Wife: Oh, my god, you are an angel. So did you have a Merry Christmas?

Husband: Are you kidding me? That was the best Christmas ever.

Wife: Really?

Husband: Babe, I had a smile on my face from the moment I woke up.

[Cut to past early in the morning, kids open the door and enters the room. Husband and wife are sleeping]

Kids: Mom! Wake up! [Kids start to jump on the bed] It’s Christmas! Wake up. Wake up.

[Cut to night stand clock that shows 5:41 in the morning. Husband looks at the clock.]

Husband: Oh, my god! Are you [Bleep] kidding me?

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: I think I was more excited than the kids.

Wife: I know, I was the same way.

[Cut to husband and wife sitting on a couch at day time. Kids are yelling.][Cut to kids opening presents below the Christmas tree.][Cut to husband and wife tired and annoyed.]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: They liked their presents, Right?

Wife: Dana loves her playhouse. You weren’t up too late building it, were you?

[Cut to husband struggling to put the playhouse into place. It doesn’t work out, so he kicks the house.]

Husband: [Angry] This is [Bleep]! Piece of [Bleep]!

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: No. It was a breeze.

Wife: My family didn’t ruin your day, did they?

Husband: No, I love that we hosted this year.

[Cut to husband opens the door welcoming his wife’s family.]

Husband: Merry –

[Cut to Beck and Aidy complaining and getting inside.]

Beck: Traffic was awful!

Aidy: Three hours!

Beck: Whoa, you gained weight! [Laughs]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Wife: Are you sure?

Husband: Honestly, babe, they made my day.

[Cut to kids annoying husband. Husband is on the floor, and kids are jumping on him and yelling.][Cut to Cameron coughing. Husband notices him.]

Husband: Hey, Rach, is Cameron sick?

[Cut to Cameron smiling with his running nose.]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: I can’t believe your cousin made the drive.

Wife: I know. It was so nice to see him.

Husband: Yeah.

[Cut to Mikey sitting next to Aidy on a family dining table with his Trump’s “Make America Great Again” hat.]

Mikey: Why do I have to take it off? Why?

[Cut to wife sitting across the table.]

Wife: Because it’s my dinner table, in front of my kids!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You’re racist against whites!

Wife: What?

[Cut to Mikey and Aidy]

Mikey: You’re racist against whites!

Aidy: She is.

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: How about you, the hostess with the moistest? Taking care of everybody? How do you do it?

Wife: I guess I was just full of Christmas cheer.

[Cut to Wife slurring a glass of wine in the kitchen with Aidy.] [Cut to Wife slurring a glass of wine in the kitchen alone.] [Cut to Wife smoking cigarette outside with a glass of wine.]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: Well, I had a perfect day.

Wife: Me too.

Husband: This is going to sound corny, but [Cut to kids arguing] I don’t know if it was you and the kids – [Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying]

[Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying]

Husband: [Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying] You’re not adopted. She’s not adopted. Why would you call her that?

Husband: Or the family being here— [Cut to family dancing. Beck stands and farts at husband’s face] [Cut to Husband opening his present. His present is slippers that look like feet of a bear.]

Husband: [Cut to Husband opening his present. His present is slippers that look like feet of a bear.] But I definitely felt some Christmas magic today. [Kids are looking at their father to see his reaction.] Absolutely love them! Come on, guys. [Kids hug their father.]Thank You, guys. Thank you, guys.

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Wife: Best Christmas ever?

[Husband puts his legs on the table. He’s wearing his bear feet slippers.]

Husband: Best Christmas ever.

Kids: Mom! He’s in my room! Get out!

Husband: I’ll go in there. [Husband goes to his kids.]